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10AM To Be Fair, It Was His Asthma Medication
Kid holding toy: If I don't get this, I'm going to die.
Dad: You're not getting anything today!
Kid: Do you want me to die? You want me to die! You're killing me! You're killing me!
University Mall
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
4PM Unfortunately, Someone Else Gave Janie a Gun
Dad's friend: So, your daughter turns 34 tomorrow?
Dad: Yeah, I sent her a card.
Dad's friend: What does it say?
Dad: 'Happy Birthday, Sweetie. You've finally grown into your bra size.'
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
9AM She's Teething
Postal clerk: Is there anything fragile, liquid, perishable, or potentially hazardous in this?
Man: Nope, just condoms. Care package for my daughter.
Post office
Jenison, Michigan
Overheard by: On High Alert
9AM I'm Not Much, but I'm All I Think About
Mother: Put those toys away. Think of the other kids who come here.
Little kid #1: Yeah, we've gotta think of the other kids.
Little kid #2: I don't want to think of the other kids. I only want to think about me.
Doctor's waiting room
North Rocks, Sydney
Australia
9AM Send in Jack Bauer!
Dad: Honey, where's your teddy bear?
3-year-old girl: Oh, the terrorist are hiding him.
Overlake Hospital
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Nurse says what
5PM Your Daughter Is So Precocious!
Little girl, pointing to ad poster: Dog!
Father, looking at the ad: No, honey, that's Ellen Degeneres.
Target Shopping Center
Avon, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM She Unwittingly Picked Her Career on 'Opposite Day'
Very pregnant elementary school teacher: God, I hate screaming kids!
1 Raider Circle
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Fellow Teacher
9AM As All Brooklyn Welfare Mothers Know, Nails Are More Important than Parenting
Ghetto woman: I'm only here because I got a gift certificate. I hate Manhattan. I never come here. I can't stand it. Everyone is just so rude. All the time. So rude. I would never be able to keep my mouth shut to some of these people.
Nail technician: Where do you work?
Ghetto woman: Over here, at sixth and 23rd. I hate it though. That's why I live out in the county.
Nail technician: Oh! Where do you live?
Ghetto woman: Brooklyn. Tommy! Sit still in that chair for godsakes!!
14th St & 6th Ave
New York City
Overheard by: seriously?
3PM Then Put This Blotter Paper in Your Mouth
Big mama running after child: Get over here!
Child: Nuh-uh [runs away].
Big mama, clenching teeth: I said get over here!
Child, terrified: No!
Big mama: Do you want to see the magical lions and rabbits outside?
Child: Oh! Yes!
Katy Mills Shopping Center
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Omid
5PM Either Provide It, or They Go on American Idol
Woman on phone with son: Jason*! Jason! I can't talk to you now. I'm in a meeting... I know I'm always in a meeting... I can't try not to schedule meetings when you get out of school. Yes, you can talk to me for three hours when I get home... I can't listen to what happened to you today, Jason! Don't call me back, do you hear me, Jason?! [Hangs up phone. It rings again.] Oh my god, why do kids need attention?!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle Right Outside
12PM And Forget about the Sanitarium
Mother to son behind the curtain: If you don't behave, I'm not going to take you to the hospital ever again.
Franklin Square Hospital
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Brain Surgeon
2PM Great, Now I Have to Explain to Her What Football Is
Young man #1: Would you rather take a shit right here in the mall and get arrested and laughed at, or have Mike Ditka sit on your face?
Young man #2: Dude, I'm on the phone... No, Mom, that was just some guy... Mike Ditka is an old football coach, Mom... No, he's not here, he's in Hollywood or somethin'.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
9AM In the Same Way That Humans Are Made of 'Long Pig'
Dad: What are birds made of?
Little girl: Chicken?
505 Broadway
Scottsbluff, Nebraska
Overheard by: Chicken soup
10AM But I Heard Something about Some New Arrestive Hormone Therapy
Woman: My daughter is 16.
Guy: Wow, she's almost grown.
Woman: I know -- in two years she'll be out of the house. I almost wish she had Down Syndrome so she would have to live with me forever.
Davenport, Iowa
11AM I Just Unplug Their Cable
Coworker on phone to husband: We have to start hiding that camera from her. Yeah, yeah... You want me to beat her? Honey, I'm kidding! I'm just kidding! You know I never beat the kids.
14750 Miller Avenue
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Sara
11AM Never Lose Bets to Your Children
Parent to teacher: Would it be possible for students to have extra recess time instead of silent reading?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
2PM Wait, You Say It's What Would Jesus Do?
Soccer mom #1: The other night I saw a homeless man on the ground. It looked like he had fallen out of his wheelchair.
Soccer mom #2: Oh, no! Did you help him get back in it?
Soccer mom #3: No, you really shouldn't, because he could hurt you.
Soccer mom #2: ... Or bite you.
Scranton, Pennsylvania
5PM Yeah, Let Me Add That to Original Sin and Slavery
Psycho parent: Look, you're not in his resource time, so he can't get help from you then.
Teacher: Yes, well, I'm teaching another class, so I can't be there.
Psycho parent: I know it's not your fault, but don't you feel like you should take some responsibility for that?
High school
Sterling, Virginia
2PM After Violet Became a Blueberry, It Took Years of Plastic Surgery to Turn Her White Again
Mother to small child: I already spent all of my money on your face.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: beckz
2PM Honesty and Parenting Are Mutually Exclusive
Mom to little kid: I told you not to go in the road.
Dad: Yeah, you get hit by a car, you gon' be in there with mama on a bed. [Kid stares.] You get hit by a car, you gon' have to get X-rays. You want X-rays? X-rays hurt.
Doctor's office, 35th Street and Redwood Road
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: JChan
4PM He Just Found Out That Phone Calls Are Social Intercourse
Teen daughter: Daddy, Daddy, the pink Razr is on sale. Will you buy it for me now? You promised!
Father: No, I don't need you to get pregnant. Now let's go!
4350 Joslyn Road
Auburn Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: rahneej
4PM Why There's a Mother's Day
Woman checking child's diaper: I just stuck my finger in your poop! Now I'll have to bleach my hand.
2401 Utah Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: lastikgirl
3PM At a Quarter-Million Square Miles, He's a Very Big Boy
Proud, jorts-wearing papa: Eric* is looking more like a Saskatchewan every day, with his big feet and all that hair.
Conrad Sauer Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Jacob
9AM Back to Work
Matthew McConaughey's mother: I wish you were Woody Harrelson. He always has better pot than you.
Patrick McConaughey: I fucking hate you too, mom. [out the window] Hey babe... don't you know who I am?
Matthew: You people bring me down.
Backseat of the car I was driving
Austin, Texas
3PM Customer Interfacing
Son: Do you believe in animal testing?
Mother: Yes and no. I think that it's fine to do it on all of the extra animals taking up space out there who don't belong to anyone, but when they take people's pets from their homes for testing, I think that's wrong.
4420 Austin Bluffs Parkway
Colorado Springs, Colorado
10AM Even One's Probably Too Many
Woman: That's why I'm glad I only have one kid -- I can't keep up with all the names.
Sunset Boulevard
Lexington, South Carolina
Overheard by: LL
3PM 'Dear Penthouse' Letters
Man: Are you 21?
Teen girl: I'm 16.
Man: Oh, I was going to buy you your first in-flight drink.
Woman sitting behind them: I'm her mother. You can buy me a drink.
Flight from Michigan to Phoenix
Overheard by: Enigmae
11AM How about a Compromise? One Could Be a Priest
Young wife sighing: All I pray for is a gay son.
Husband: All our sons will be straight.
Young wife: Just the youngest one can be gay. I need one gay son. You won't even notice.
Husband: No, it won't happen. Costa Ricans don't have gay sons. And I want my name passed on.
Young wife: I'll wait until you go to work, then put makeup and heels on him and let him be himself. I need someone to talk to when you are gone.
Sandwich shop
Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey
2PM ... If That
X-ray tech getting off phone: My son wants me to come home so bad. My kids always get like that when they are sick.
Coworker: Well, isn't your husband at home with him?
X-ray tech: Yes, but they always want me instead -- they are so attached. It's probably because I used to sing them this really cute song when they were babies.
Coworker: What's that?
X-ray tech: 'Mommy's your best friend, Mommy's your best friend, Daddy's your second best friend!'
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Thugalicious Baller
1PM Is There Anything You Guys Could Do about That?
Concerned mother on phone: My son just informed me that the room deposits are due tomorrow.
Secretary: Yes.
Mother: But I'm in Germany, and if I mailed in the money it would take two weeks.
Secretary: Your son could pay with a debit card or cash.
Mother: I gave him a debit card and he lost it.
Secretary: Uh-huh.
Mother: ... My son is a goddamned idiot.
Virginia
5PM Mom, Don't Even Mention the Hoo-Hoo Zone
Mother: Sweetie, do you need to pee-pee?
3-Year-Old girl: Mom, why do you call it that? It's piss!
12350 Jefferson Avenue
Newport News, Virginia
11AM Exactly How I Get People to Work Weekends
Senior manager: Hi, honey, how was your day?
Kid on speakerphone: If you were here, you'd know.
42nd Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Let Me Rephrase That Question
Father: Did you wash your hands?
Five-year-old kid returning from bathroom: Ummm... I'm pretty sure I didn't get poop on them.
Dental office
Tigard, Oregon
Overheard by: Robin
4PM I Got That Ages Ago
Mom: Oooh, guess what I got while I was in Atlanta yesterday?
Daughter, faking excitement: Herpes?!
Mom: No, I got-- Wait, what?!
Mall
Georgia
Overheard by: P-Nuckle
2PM This Explains Much About Tennessee
Mother: What are you going to have?
Daughter: Chicken nuggets and a Dr Pepper.
Mother: I'm not getting you a Dr Pepper. It's not good for you.
Daughter: Fine. I'll have a Coke.
Mother: That's better.
McDonald's
Tennessee
3PM Also the Idea behind Internet Porn
Man referring to stuffed beaver's tail with 'Do not touch' sign: Can my daughter touch this?
Worker: No.
Man to daughter: You can't touch it, honey, because Miss Sensory Deprivation over here wants you to touch with your eyes, not with your hands.
Sterling, Virginia
11AM Mary and Joseph Really Had Their Hands Full
Mom listening to garbled announcement over PA: Did he just ask God to collect his son at the front desk?
Daughter: Are you senile?
Whole Foods
Seattle, Washington
9AM This Problem Was to Follow Charlie Sheen Into Adulthood
Mother: Do they sell headboards here? I think you should get one that's attached to the wall. They look better.
Young child: I don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment.
Home Depot
Perrysburg, Ohio
Overheard by: Treesha
