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2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands
Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!
Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan
12PM When It's Done, the Spine Will Be Tingling
VP: The publishing of the book will take a long time because it requires a hand job.
Bethesda, Maryland
1PM All I Want Is a Hand-Turkey for Thanksgiving. What Do I Get? Two Lousy Short Stories about Pilgrims!
Manager #1: My kids SUCK at arts and crafts.
Manager #2: No glitter? No glue? No macaroni or popsicle sticks?
Manager #1: Holy shit, no. They are the epitome of suck.
West Irving Park Road
Roselle, Illinois
1PM Michael Milken's Up to His Old Tricks
Exec steals Nutri-Grain Bar from CEO.
CEO: Give that back!
Exec: No.
CEO, cornering exec and pushing him against the wall: Give that to me; that's my Nutri-Grain!
Exec: You aren't getting it back.
CEO: That's stealing, man!
Exec: Buy some more! You've got the money!
CEO, releasing exec: You're a real class act, man.
Exec unwraps and eats Nutri-Grain Bar.
5200 Dixie Road
Toronto, Ontario
2PM She's Already Seen His Briefs
Lawyer: Hey, here's something that might interest you!
Secretary: I doubt it.
3415 South Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: i love this place
11AM That Was MasterBeta Testing
Developer #1: We've never run the application in a clustered environment.
Developer #2: Yeah, but we've run it in a cluster-fucked environment.
Canal Park
Cambridge, Massachusetts
9AM How to Tell If Your Co-Worker Is Actually a Robot
Male exec: I won't be able to be at the pitch. My grandfather died.
Female exec: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Male exec: It's okay, I still have my other grandfather.
Female exec: That's why you have two children, right? If one of them dies, you've still got the other one, so it's not so sad.
Dreamworks, 100 Universal Plaza
Universal City, California
Overheard by: Shrek
5PM From The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Diplomacy
Executive forwarding an email to whole company: I don't know if any of you have seen this summary. You may find it a useful 'Idiot's Guide.'
Employee: Are you implying everyone you just sent this to is an idiot?
Executive: Not in the slightest! I was implying the guy who sent it to me thought I was an idiot.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
2PM Is It Legal to Say That in Indiana?
CFO: Fourth floor is going to Hooters. I don't like Hooters. I like Dick's.
1 North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Peon
11AM This Mid-Life Crisis Is Coming Together Nicely
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning!
Admin: What?
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning! Broadsided it! Never even saw it!
Admin: You didn't see a garbage truck?
CEO: I know! I was doing like 40 miles an hour! And my kid was in the car!
1190 Del Rio Place
Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: Never riding with the boss
2PM Make Her Come up with a Better Slogan Than 'Can You Hear Me Now?'
Young ad executive #1: Anybody want a Jamba Juice? Sam the intern is going to make a run.
Young ad executive #2: Yeah, but why are you getting a Jamba Juice? You just ate lunch.
Young ad executive #1: I don't really want one, I just feel bad the intern has nothing to do.
7th Avenue and 23rd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Corn Mash Whiskey
12PM But without the Hassle of a Trial
Supervisor #1: Anyone want any chocolate? I have three pounds.
Supervisor #2: From the boyfriend, huh?
Supervisor #3: I don't think I could eat three pounds of anything. What could I eat three pounds of?
Supervisor #1: Ice cream. I could eat three pounds of ice cream.
Supervisor #3: I could definitely eat three pounds of ice cream. That's kind of a gross thought, though.
Supervisor #1: It's like eating a preemie.
200 New Canton Way
Robbinsville, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon hate v-day
12PM ... Doctor
Attorney on phone: Yeah, I told my wife I'd be home late. We can get together for an hour or two. Can't wait to feel you inside me.
Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM Oh, Sorry, "3." We'll Fill You in Later
CEO: Everyone was at that meeting! If your name began with a consonant or a vowel, you were in the fuckin' meeting!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
4PM Geez, Don't Be Such an Eyeore.
Bank assistant VP #1: It all comes, said Pooh, of not hiring the right people.
Bank assistant VP #2: Exactly... Wait, did you say 'said Pooh'?
9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
12AM Behind the Scenes: At the Publishers Conference
Lady Executive: I don't even want to hear from you, Stewart. You know you fucked me on that paper deal. You fucked me hard and you didn't even kiss me.
2233 King Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Next Big Thing
10AM It Just Has to Make Money; It Doesn't Have to Make Sense
Woman: Isn't this the most fucking idiotic thing you've ever had to do in your life?
Senior VP: No, actually, which is really embarrassing.
120 West 106th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: George Feeney
10AM Staff Meeting
Director: If there is amy way to complicate things, we will find it.
8787 Orion Place
Columbus, Ohio
9AM It's One of Those Wednesdays...
VP Software Development: In my opinion you don't have to be good at what you do to be a good manager.
2 East Main Street
Danville, Illinois
12PM Stephen's Retroactive Skill With Metaphors Did Not Go Unnoticed in His Quarterly Review
VP: Yeah, and if we go over there, we could get all our stuff back. We have a whole bunch of equipment in China stuck in escargot.
Director: Um...You mean escrow?
VP: What did I say? Escargot? Well that works, too, since it's so slow in getting back to us.
Director: Sure it does.
45th Street and 9th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: melissa
9AM Or Close Enough. It's Not Really Super Important.
VP: Well, we'll just keep compromising until we reach mediocrity.
139 Townsend
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Amy
3PM Well, It's Like I Always Say: Children Come First
Male bank president: My daughter's gonna letter in high school track this year.
Female vice president: Oh?
Male bank president: Yeah, she's a runner. All year I've been taking her out on country roads to let her spread her legs.
Female vice president, under her breath: Putz!
1105 Vargas Street
Atwood, Kansas
11AM Between Meetings
Suit #1: Whenever it rains, you come to work wearing plastic pants. Why do you get to wear plastic pants? My boss wouldn't let me wear plastic pants.
"Suit" #2: If you could do what I can do, you could wear plastic pants, too.
4 Irving Place
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
10AM Um, Is That How It Works?
VP: I just completed sexual harassment training! Who's gonna be my first victim?
Assistant: Me!
1 Glenlake Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM And Lets Make the Password... 'Password,' Okay?
VP on phone with bank: I need to verify three times? I'm sorry, but that's just too secure for me.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
4PM Although Chuckie Is Coughing up a Response on the Rug
Editor: I know it's not truthful to say we're still generating responses to your proprosal, but it's better than saying we're drunk and lazy.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
4AM ...And Sometimes We Overhear Wisdom
Lady VP: I left on good terms. Not necessarily with the people I worked with, but definitely the people I worked for.
4 Times Square
New York, NY
9AM You Mean Your Dog Jumped Off a Cliff?
CEO at company-wide meeting: You have to understand -- we are a relatively young company, and we are in Helen Keller mode right now.
13500 Heritage Parkway
Fort Worth, Texas
10AM She'll Hook It Up to Her Comptroller and Moniker
Receptionist: She's not here, would you like to leave her a note?
Client: I'll just send her an email, does she have a blueberry?
Stanford, CA
3PM Empiricist Cooking Has Its Limitations
VP: But how will we make grilled cheese?
Drone: With the toaster oven.
VP: Well, I never, you'll have to show me how to use it.
Drone: Have you used a toaster?
VP: Yes!
Drone: Have you used an oven?
VP: YES!
Drone: Then you can use a toaster oven.
VP: Well, I have never seen such a thing.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
3PM Your Honor, There Are No Files in These Drawers
Employee: These file drawers are really getting overloaded.
Supervisor: Yeah, time for some perjury.
Westlake, Ohio
Overheard by: Giddy-up!
11AM But One You Must Learn to Relish Here at Festering Fruit International
Supervisor: A warm banana is an acquired taste.
Park Ave
New York City
9AM But Now, of Course, There's a Manual
CEO on sales pitch: When businesses first started creating web pages on the internet, it was kind of like having sex with your daughter -- everyone was talking about it, but nobody really knew what they were doing.
Prospective client: Well... My daughter is eight, so I don't think she's having sex with anybody.
8737 Colesville Road
Silver Spring, Maryland
9AM Whoops!
CEO: Anywho, it'll make us look honest, at least, if we say we just won't charge for that job. We don't want to just out-and-tell them we fucked that one all to hell.
34921 Del Rio Drive
Ontario, California
2PM What Really Happened to IBM
Project manager: Because of their dependencies, these two projects should be run in parallel.
CEO: Yeah, we need to paralyze them. Good idea, Ted*!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lila
10AM Cappucino Run
Executive #1: We will never promote her. She is fucked up. Did you see her at the company picnic with her son?
Executive #2: No. What happened?
Executive #1: She was breastfeeding him!
Executive #2: So what?
Executive #1: He's like 5 years old!
Pause
Executive #2: When is the next picnic?
1 Becton Drive
Franklin Lakes, New Jersey
2PM But Only by Going Further in Can We Acquire Cheese
Board member: There has got to be a way out of this place.
175 S. 3d St
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Is It Just Those of You Who Drank the Kool-Aid?
CEO: By a show of hands, how many of you believe that I believe in this company?
Ballantyne Office Park
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM And Get Some Plastic Surgery
Man: Well, nobody can believe you're single and attractive.
Woman: Maybe I should just buy a wedding ring.
420 Ramona Street
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: My Good Ear
2PM This Is Your Brain on Market Research
Advertising executive: Here are my recommendations: A. Can we simplify this? B. Consumers are stupid.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: writer and consumer
3PM Smoke Break
Account Exec #1: Your hair looks short today. Did you wash it this morning?
Account Exec #2: Yeah, I contemplated not washing it, but I decided I should.
Account Exec #1: Friday isn't a hair washing day.
Account Exec #2: Well, I didn't wash it yesterday.
Account Exec #1: [Lucy] can go a couple of days without washing her hair.
Account Exec #2: A couple of days?
Account Exec #1: Well, it's more or less a question of whether or not her scalp is sweaty and smelly.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Dude, You're on Speakerphone
VP, after phone call: What are these guys, incompetent? [Looks at phone] Is that thing hung up?
Ventura and Balboa Boulevards
Encino, California
Overheard by: Wish I didn't work in the Valley
11AM Conference Call
Executive Woman: Yes, I understand...True dat. Er, I mean, we have also found that to be the case.
1123 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM And It Involves Singing Bears?
Account executive: Is child porn wrong if only children see it?
330 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Wow, That's the Biggest Subpoena I've Ever Seen
Loud female lawyer: I'll show you yours if you show me mine! Wait, the other way around...
Evanston, Illinois
Overheard by: cubicle across the hall
5PM No, Sir -- Just Invite the Media to Join Us
Executive: I once had to tell a supreme court judge to remove his martini from the canoe. The judge was attending an opening reception of a museum exhibition. He said to me, 'What are you going to do, sue me?'
San Francisco, California
11AM In the Corner Office
VP : So tell me again, why should she get a raise?
Director: She's been with us fifteen years, just completed her Masters and has made a lot of money for us the last 10 years.
VP: Listen, we don't give out raises for people who do a good job. You've gotta have a better reason than that.
1600 East Wendover Avenue
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Tom Duehring
2PM ... Nor What State We Started In
VP on phone: Yeah, what's wrong?
Niece on speaker phone: We're lost. Can you pull up a map or something?
VP: Where are you and where are you going?
Niece: We're going somewhere in Massachusetts, and we don't know what state we're in.
316 Warren Avenue
Front Royal, Virginia
Overheard by: not the dumbest anymore
10AM The Conversation Enters a DO Loop
Principal: Do you know Fortran?
Research analyst: Yes, I think so... Wait, is that a man or a woman?
John Hancock Tower
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: economista
11AM Women.
VP: They're all doable. We're just not able to do most of them.
Norwalk, Connecticut
Overheard by: Cautiously Optimistic
1PM Lunch
Health Exec: You working late?
Tech Exec: Nah, downloading porn. You?
Health Exec: Oh, you know it. Nursing administration porn. Woo-hoo!
Tech Exec: Send some my way. I'll send you some telecommunications porn.
Health Exec: "Oh baby, show me your phone. Let me see your router." Good times.
595 Market Street
San Francisco, California
5PM In Unrelated News, We Were Voted the Most Abusive Company of 2006
Company owner: Okay, so I haven't heard a real definition of 'bad touch' yet...
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
10AM So Abandon All Hope, Yadda Yadda Yadda
Vice president: I know it's a hellhole, but it's my hellhole.
198 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM But it Just Plays it on TV
Associate director, eating a hamburger: This is really good.
Executive director: Yeah, isn't it? It's their Angus burger. It's like real meat.
Southern Oregon
Overheard by: research associate
4PM It's Just How Things Are Aboard the Pequod
VP yelling into phone: If I have the whale, then I'm king! Everyone has to follow me!
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Trim middle-aged President: I just received my soccer badge in the mail.
Young receptionist: I can't see you playing soccer.
President: I don't play, I referee.
Receptionist: Still, I can't see your fat ass waddling up and down the field.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: now I'm going to have to answer the phones again
12PM Interviews
Senior VP: On a scale of 1 to 10, how honest are you?
Interviewee: Whatever I answer, how would you know if I'm telling the
truth or lying?
5650 Keaton Crescent
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Pass the Buck
VP Research: The client would like us to find a creative way to solve the problem.
Field Manager: I am tired of looking for the solution to this problem; let's start looking for someone to blame instead...
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
9AM How Do You Think I Got This Job?
Producer, on phone: I don't know how to make this more clear: Eat the bugs! You have to eat the bugs! Open your mouth, plug your nose, and shove the bugs in your mouth!
6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California
1PM Watched The Neverending Story Once Too Often
CIO: You developers have to tell the BAs if you're going to miss a deadline, or they'll be in the dark. Then they can't tell the managers, and they'll be in the dark. Pretty soon we have this big snowball of darkness.
625 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
11AM Finalize Contracts
Boss: This subcontractor really chaps my butt.
Senior VP: Is it a good butt chapping or a bad chapping?
Boss: Bad.
Senior VP: Glad to know there's a differnce.
812 Moorefield Park
Richmond, Virginia
9AM Not without a Pre-Hook
Lawyer on phone: Homeless strippers?... Dude, you don't want to hook up with a homeless stripper.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: temporary paralegal
3PM Originally in San Francisco, but Then Rewrite Got a Hold of It
Director: So what city was Beverly Hills Cop set in?
444 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM Legal Brief
Partner #1: So, I explained to her that I didn't feel that commercial sexual relationships constituted adultery. And she bought it.
Partner #2: Gotta love the commerce clause.
575 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM And Will It Require Me to Stop Playing Solitaire?
Account executive: We are going to need to traffic that ad out by Friday.
Traffic manager: What does 'traffic' mean?
Birmingham, Alabama
5PM That's a Wrap
Suit #1: Are you going to the farewell party for [Liz]?
Suit #2: I don't know yet. Does she know she's leaving or is it a surprise party?
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
11AM Strawberry Cancer
Staffer: Oh, great! The water bottles are in!
Executive, opening bottle and sniffing it: It smells like cancer.
38th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
2PM Staff Meeting
VP: There is only so much you can do with one hand.
Co-worker: I'm not going to touch that.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
5PM Do You Think Our Product Caused Him to Explode?
Executive: So I ended up with the meth head's blood all over my face.
8081 Wallace Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM Those Bastards!
Fund raising exec: We keep hearing about these people who die, and we sit around waiting to hear what they're going to give to us, and it turns out they've left all their money to the crippled children!
Non-profit organization
Washington, DC
9AM Groucho Marx: How the Elephant Got Me Out of My Pajamas I'll Never Know
Marketing manager justifying event expenses: It costs a lot for a naked elephant ride these days. Not like it used to be.
980 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Producer: My friend went to the Galapagos Islands and was astounded. They have birds called blue boobies. Google "blue boobies". You'll see pictures of them.
Suit: I'm not searching for blue boobies on my computer. I'll get called into the office for a talk.
Producer: Oh, I'll do it...see?
Suit: Wow, who would have thought that would't have brought up a porn site?
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
12AM Despite This Site, Sometimes the CEO is the Voice of Reason
CEO: My only regret was that I couldn't fire her [VP Marketing] twice.
50 Fremont Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Vin Dicated
5PM A Happy Environment: Us vs. Them
Producer: No! No! They don't get chocolate back there! They're not part of the team!
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
2PM Use the Shank Key
VP, using Instant Messenger: How do I type a smiley face that means, "I'll cut you."
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
CEO: I think we should name [the product] SINBAD after [Janet].
Underling: "SINBAD"?
CEO: Single Income, No Boyfriend, and Desperate.
27 Gillies Avenue
Newmarket, Auckland
New Zealand
12AM It's the Official CEO Motto
CEO: A man in my position has a high tolerance for other people's pain.
110 E. Clayton Street
Athens, Georgia
6AM She's Got a Point
Vice President: All that matters is I'm rich with a big dick.
64 Bluxome Street
San Francisco, California
4PM Pulling in All Directions, Simultaneously
Exec: If we are going to succeed, we need strong leadership from everyone on the team.
50 Commerce Street
Trumbull, Connecticut
Overheard by: lowly
2PM Dude, It's Not for That
Account exec #1: So, are you still taking calcium?
Account exec #2: Yeah, and I'm still fucking crazy.
289 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
10AM Which Is Incompatible with Our Corporate Rigidity
Executive: At the end of December she agreed to voluntarily quit. She really wants to go and do that bendy thing -- you know, yoga.
Portrero Hill
San Francisco, California
2PM Schedule Regional Calls
Field manager: So Utah is what, 2 hours behind us?
VP Research: No, they're more like 25 years behind us.
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
12AM That's About As Funny As I'd Expect a CEO to Get
VP: It's not working. I can't get it up. I can't get it up.
CEO: They make a pill for that now, you know.
28 Crescent Street
Middletown, Connecticut
10AM Um, Was That on the Table?
Annoyed executive: I wouldn't piss in his mouth if it was a urinal!
84 Newbury Street
Peabody, Massachusetts
10AM Pre-meeting Prep
VP: Wow that sounds bad. Do we need to have a pre-meeting about that meeting?
3415 Vision Drive
Columbus, Ohio
4PM ... And for Once It Won't Be One of Us
Attorney: Maybe we'll get lucky and there'll be a murder.
County courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
4PM Performance Reviews Meeting
Exec: Hey [Nick], I've got a question for you.
Tax Manager: Yes?
Exec: I was thinking about you while I was in the shower this morning and--
Tax Manager: You probably shouldn't be thinking about me in the
shower [James]; you're a newly married man.
Exec: ...
123 Robert S. Kerr Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
10AM It's in the Bill of Rights
Suit: If we wanna make fun of freakin' roosters, guess what?! We're gonna make fun of freakin' roosters.
3565 Atlanta Highway
Athens, Georgia
10AM Like "You Knocked Up My Daughter"
CEO: Getting shot's not so bad... So long as it's for the right reason.
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: hiding under my desk
12PM Meeting (Cont'd)
VP: I don't necessarily want you to improve one thing by 100%, but if you improve 100 things by 1% you will still have made 100% improvement. That's all I ask.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
12PM Leadership Means Boosting Your Subordinates
CEO: [Frank] and [James] go way back. And when they start on a bid, [Frank] doesn't shave. He grows a moustache, and when we get the deal the moustache comes off. So when I see it start coming back, I want it off. Either way, he's still the ugliest bastard we have on the team.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM "No, but I know that you're full of shit!"
A memo went out stating the upstairs bathrooms will be shut down for one week to redo the walls, sinks and plumbing. An executive tries to barge in anyway.
Union guy: You can't go in there.
Executive: Don't you know who I am?
450 W. 33rd Street
New York, NY
12PM Update Website
Executive: Our new company motto is "Fuck it!" Can we put it on our website?
1777 North California Boulevard
Walnut Creek, California
12PM Methinks He Can't Spell "VP" Either
VP: Communication: it's hard to spell, so it must be hard to do.
1 Railroad Avenue
Cooperstown, New York
12AM Strategy: Never Losing Sight of Your Goals
Project Manager: Wegman's was voted the #1 company to work for in America.
Sales VP: Really?
Project Manager: Yeah. Do you know what their slogan is? "Employees first, customers second."
Engineer: Well, we've been putting customers second for years!
Sales VP: Actually it's customers second, employees third, and we don't know what the first is.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
9AM It'd Almost Be Worth the Lawsuits
Owner of company: That, coming out of a midget, would kick ass!
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
10AM We're Still Paying Off the Judgment in the Dumpty Case
CEO: We don't want to get sued because someone has a ridiculously large head.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM Lunch
Finance: The pills the pharmacy gave me for my back looked funny. They were supposed to be oval and yellow but they are more long and white.
VP: So did you find out what the problem was?
Finance: Well, I called the pharmacy and they said that they had mistakenly given me anti-psychotics instead of my back medicine.
666 11th Street NW
Washington, DC
6AM Kevin Likes to Get a Grip on Big Issues
VP: You'll have to get a group together and have a good look at his package. Get Kevin involved if possible.
21651 Melrose Avenue
Southfield, Michigan
4PM In Court He Refers to the Judge As "Venerable Dickhead"
Intern: Holy shit, it's cold in here!
Sandy*, ancient secretary: Allen*! This a law office -- a professional place of business. We do not use profanity in this office. What if a client had been waiting in reception and heard you use that kind of language? In the future I would ask that you refrain from using that kind of language. I'm sure the partners would not appreciate you speaking that way to your coworkers, especially those who are older than you.
Partner, entering five minutes later: Jesus-fucking-Christ, it's cold in here! Goddamn, Larry* -- cheapskate son of a bitch won't turn the heat on until nine. Sandy, get me Larry's number so I can give that asshole a piece of my mind. Fucking dick. Every goddamn winter he pulls this shit. And Sandy, make some coffee for these interns -- it's like 40 degrees in here!
Law office
New York, New York
5PM Fine, Then Just Give Me the Ones You Have On
Secretary: I'm going to Target at lunch. You need anything?
V.P.: Underwear! I always need underwear!
Secretary: Um...I'm not really comfortable with that.
1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Pirate Wench
4PM Staff Meeting
CIO: So, we're okay now?
Manager: No, we still have problems, but they're higher quality problems.
5000 Ellin Road
Lanham, Maryland
Overheard by: Cantabile
9AM TGIF
VP: Everyone's getting pregnant here.
Co-worker: By the way, I'm going to be pregnant and gay on Monday.
1850 Elm Hill Pike
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: V. Schipani
10AM Staff Meeting
VP: We learn much faster when there is a gun to our head.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
10AM Band Meet & Greet
Musician: Nice of you to join us.
Exec: Well, you were 30 minutes late; I went to take a shit!
Musician: You're entitled to that.
Exec: I washed my hand if you want to shake it.
875 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: N & S
5PM That's a Wrap
CFO is spouting gossip at happy hour.
Copywriter: How many have you had?!
CFO: What, wives or martinis?
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM Well, Remind Me in the Morning
Exec: Okay, before I forget...um. I already forgot.
460 Park Ave South
New York, NY
Overheard by: J.B.
12PM Go Over Forecasts
Originator: Two charts are just great. Very helpful. Two is a lot more
than one.
VP: Yeah, it's like twice as much.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
2PM Chick Becomes VP and Loses All Sense of Decorum
VP: You'll need to sit between [Jake] and I at the next meeting so I don't kick his ass.
Peon: I'll hold him if you'll hit him.
1500 Hampton Street
Columbia, South Carolina
11AM Really, Why Does There Have to Be a Box at All?
Account executive on phone to media planner: All this thinking out of the box... I mean, the box doesn't have to be square.
150 W Jefferson Avenue
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: I guess she has a hat box
12PM Lunch
Suit on cell to his niece: Did I hear you scored five goals in your last game? Do you have any idea how grateful to me you should be for your athletic ability?
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
10AM Chris Back from Vacation
Exec: I was in this fabulous hotel in Banff, in Alberta. And these Japanese businessmen were there too, and you know, the Japanese are so...what's the word? Xenophobic. These Japanese businessmen come walking down the hall, seven abreast, as though everyone should just naturally get out of their way. So I just clipped the guy on the shoulder and spun him around. And he looked at me with this look and I said, "Hey, pal; welcome to America." Actually, it was Canada, but same difference.
2000 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
7PM That's Not Her Title; She's Just Very Paranoid
VP: It really freaks me out when you look in here and laugh; it makes me think there's something wrong with me.
30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
One VP to another: Well, it was a dumb thing to do. But it wasn't the first dumb thing we've done.
1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Pirate Wench
10AM Budgeting Meeting
Engineer: Let me guess, are you going to put on your "MBA Hat"?
Supervisor: How about I put my "Foot Hat" in your "Butt Hat"?
500 North Gulph Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
9AM Back to Work
VP:I swear to God, the assistant at [DouglasCo] is so stupid.
Admin: Hey, even stupid people need jobs.
Coworker: Yeah. Some of them even make it to VP.
388 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
4PM So It Looks Good in Tight Buns?
VP to general counsel: A nine-inch wiener is a nine-inch wiener. You've got to make it look pretty.
850 Bryant Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: IC Balaam
11AM It Goes Before the Arms Do
Corporate lawyer: What were we talking about again?
Helpful manager: One-armed lawyers.
Corporate lawyer: Ah, right. One-armed lawyers. Let me tell you, don't let anyone tell you otherwise that you don't start losing your memory as you get older.
Polite laughter from meeting attendees.
Corporate lawyer: So. Um. What were we talking about again?
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
2PM Meeting with HR
VP #1: I look forward to working with you and [Justin].
VP #2: Yes. Let's do a threesome! It'll be really fun!
800 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM Monday, Monday
Receptionist: Yeah, but if you say that then you're being illogical--
Exec: Ah, that's your problem, you've brought logic into the argument.
Receptionist: Um...
271 Rathdowne Street
Carlton, Victoria
Australia
8AM "...and then up, and then down..."
Producer #1: I saw the naked pictures just now.
Producer #2: And?
Producer #1: I think he should take them down.
12 West 27 Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Did you pick up [Bruce]?
Owner: Yes, I picked him up.
[Bruce]: Do you think it's a sign to go home when you run out of gas in your car at a gas station who runs out of gas?
101 East Main Street
Farmington, New Mexico
2PM Follow Up with Sasquatch
Exec: Look, I don't care about the Weekly World News. All I want to know is how this affects the Bigfoot cover!
Star Magazine
1 Park Avenue
New York, NY
3PM I Dream That We Can All Talk That Way to Mgmt.
Former VP: I heard you were dreaming about me.
Executive Assistant: If the person gave you the impression that it was in a positive connotation, they were gravely mistaken.
1000 Voorhees Drive
Voorhees, New Jersey
2PM Double Team Meeting
VP: So are you ready to service me yet?
Peon: Yes, I am ready to pleasure you now.
VP: Sounds good; is [Alex] ready too?
[Alex]: Yes, m'lady, I too am ready to provide you my services.
VP: Let's go get started in the blue room, then.
8441 Wayzata Boulevard
Golden Valley, Minnesota
Overheard by: Sam Racadabra
2PM Call HR
VP Sales: Don't tell Human Resources I said this, okay, but these chocolates are gay.
5 W. Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM If You Can't Produce, At Least Be An LA Cliche
Producer guy #1: She's just awful.
Producer guy #2: And it's not like she's smokin' hot!
Producer guy #1: Yeah, if you can't act at least be smoking hot.
10201 West Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Close Deal
Sales: You quoted 3 different prices to this customer.
CEO: You're not calling me an idiot, are you?
Sales: I'm saying that having been given all the facts you made 3 incompatable decisions.
CEO: That's sufficiently blameless.
12819 Coit Road
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM Managers' Meeting
Owner: You've got to tell me these things. I don't know everything that's going on...you'd be surprised at what I don't know.
2100 Goshen Road
Fort Wayne, Indiana
8AM The A is for A-hole
Producer: Hey Nick, let's hook this up ASPA.
355 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
10AM Call Client
VP: It's so frustrating trying to reach that guy.
IT: How so?
VP: Whenever I call at lunch or after hours, he's never there.
12444 Powerscourt Drive
St. Louis, Missouri
2PM Credit Meeting
VP: Are we going to continue to flog ourselves with the same blunt instrument?
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
12AM The Kid Who Should've Loved Ducking
VP of marketing: If you used a duck, you'd somehow have to tie it into a kid who was killed by a drunk driver who loved ducks.
30 E, 33rd Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Director: I feel like she's staring into my soul.
Producer: It's a good feeling, isn't it?
35 West 4th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: jen d.
1PM Lunch
Owner: 28 cents isn't a lot, but after 100 times spending it, that's $28. Listen man, $28 is a bottle of champagne! Instead of throwing it in the trash can, I can drink it, man! $28 on top of $28...That starts to add up to a few bottles of champage and pretty girls and a nice dinner!
8860 NW 24th Terrace
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Amanda
11AM Board Meeting
Attorney: An Interested Party is any board member who receives, or whose spouse or descendants receives, financial gain from the corporation.
Board member: So if my son works here, then I'm not an Interested Party.
Attorney: Your son is your descendant.
Board member: Are you sure?
1524 North Santa Fe Avenue
Vista, California
5PM Cuban Business Customs: The Short Course
Canadian: Is there anything I should know about Cuban business customs before we get started?
Translator: No.
Girl with tray of espressos walks in and hands one to each person.
Canadian: I don't drink coffee.
Translator: You do today.
Cuban Health Ministry
Havana, Cuba
Overheard by: Drank the coffee
12PM All-Hands Meeting
CEO: It's like the dog and the tail. The tail is the reward and happiness. The dog is how you get there, the hard work.
460 Phillip Street
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
10AM IT Meeting
CIO on speaker: Time out guys, an animal just came into my
office...Cats aren't allowed in my office till after 5.
2 Industrial Park Drive
Williamston, Michigan
7AM "It's not. I cut hair in the dark."
Producer: How important is it to have the mirror when you cut my hair?
12 W. 27th St
New York, NY
1PM If Our Customers Won't Behave, We Fire Them
VP on phone with angry customer: Well, I'm sorry that nobody has been here to take your calls or return your messages yet. We've been busy in the office lately... Yes, I understand it's frustrating, but we're doing all we can... Okay, look Larry*, look -- the reason nobody's here whenever you call is because we just got caller ID last week, and everybody ignores you because nobody wants to deal with you because you're an asshole... Yeah, I heard you were a real piece of work to our receptionist... You're an asshole! Yeah? Well, I don't care if we have your business anymore. Asshole!
Beltsville, Maryland
Overheard by: The abused receptionist
12PM Sitdown with HR
Art Director: What did you mean when you said that HR is going to work differently?
Exec: Oh, it's going to work now.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
4PM Fortunately It's Over
VP: We're having quite an exciting day. Have you used the f-word
yet?
Staffer: Probably yes, quietly to myself.
15 Walnut Street
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts
4PM My Mental Celebration: Coke Orgy. You?
President: I know that the budget cuts have hit everyone very hard, but we want you to know that we appreciate everyone's hard work and efforts and we think that you should all take the time to celebrate...er...in your own minds.
3081 Zanker Road
San Jose, California
12AM That's Why You Don't Schedule These Things in the Afternoon
Producer: Sorry I couldn't make your screening, but as you heard I was
drunk and asleep even by the time your call came around.
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
8AM Diversity? Never Met Him
Producer: One of the things that came out of the meetings is that they
wanted more diversity.
Consultant: Who?
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
President: This is our IT department. Those people write new programs all day long.
Customer: Oh, so this is the Nerd Center!
1047 17th Avenue
Santa Cruz, California
2PM Layoff Announcements
Exec: Nobody walks around in culottes unless there's something important going on.
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM All Hands Meeting
CEO: We can't shoot our parents until we can afford to move out of the house.
355 Burrard Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
12PM Finalize Conference
Senior VP: Make sure you reserve a king size bed because there's going to be two of us.
600 Maryland Avenue SW
Washington, DC
2PM All Hands Meeting at Downtown Branch
HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn't be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone's last day of work will be December 31st--
HR: --and here are your severance packages.
238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts
4PM Employee Evals Due
HR: What we need to determine about her mistake is, is this fuckup a rare occurrence or is this the type of thing we should come to expect from her.
VP: You mean like the normal run of the mill disasters...
HR: Exactly.
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
3PM Smoke Break
Producer: So you're from Iowa?
Consultant: No, Ohio.
Producer: Illinois?
333 North Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
9AM Actually, the Chain One Is More Properly Called a Flail
Judge: I'm not here wielding a mace. You know what a mace is, right?
Attorney #1: That's the spiked ball at the end of a chain, right?
Attorney #2: In medieval times it was at the end of a stick.
Attorney #1: Well, popes and kings had one at the end of a stick.
Judge: As a symbol of royal or divine authority.
Attorney #2: But it was also a weapon at the end of a chain.
Judge: So, the mace served as both a symbol and a weapon.
Ghetto teen on trial: Cops sprayed dat in my cousin's face.
District Court
Ronkonkoma, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
10AM Go Pick Up Air Freshener
Producer: Rarely does a day go by where my underwear is less than 10 years old.
11 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: D to the C
1PM "...Want to see the vine I grew?"
Account Exec: ...I stopped by this morning to go over stuff from the call but you were out. Were you at [the client]'s?
VP: No, actually, to be perfectly honest, I just ate way too many grapes this morning.
555 Sparkman Drive NW
Huntsville, Alabama
12AM Nothing's As Snarky As a Gunshot Wound
VP: She was mean! She said, "I guess I'll just have to come up to New York and kill you then."
Assistant: Was she being sarcastic?
VP: I think so.
30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Project Manager: What's that band-aid on your neck for?
Owner: I had a melanoma removed.
Worker: Oh, I thought you were on the patch, but I didn't know they made a patch for "Asshole".
Owner: No, it's for hemorrhoids. I'm going to disappear.
8929 Rosedale Highway
Bakersfield, California
12PM Department Meeting
Executive: In '06 we need to get more blood from the turnip.
2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island
4PM Sensitivity Seminar
VP: Are you pregnant?
Worker #1: No!
VP: I'm just asking because it seems like you get pregnant every two months.
Worker #2: Hey! You can't ask people if they are pregnant!
VP: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant.
625 Mount Auburn Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
5PM We Need a Quorum to Get High
Vice-president #1, to vice-president #2: Now all we need is a bong and multiple partners!
37th Street and 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jenn
1PM Long Term Planning
Subordinate #1, middle-aged: So, how's your broken toe doing, [Sara]?
VP [Sara]: It still hurts, but after four tries, I finally found a pair of high heels I can stand in.
Subordinate #1: Should you be doing that yet?
VP: I have a date tonight and need to look cute.
Subordinate 2, older: You shouldn't be wearing heels yet. You're going to ruin your feet so that when you're old like me you'll be able to wear only ugly shoes.
VP: I'll be married by then, so it won't matter!
208 South LaSalle
Chicago, Illinois
7PM Multiasking the Multitasker
VP #1: You're not listening to me
VP #2: Yes I am!
VP #1: No you're not, whenever I try to ask you a question you're on the phone!
VP #2: Why can't I multitask?
VP #1: Because you're lousy at it and I'll have to ask you three times!
30 E 33rd Street
New York, NY
12PM I Give Them a Year, Tops
Director of sales and marketing baby-talking and hugging his iBook: Some day you're going to be a dinosaur and no one is going to like you! But not me! No, I love you, little iBook.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: reservations monster
5PM Out of Here
Executive #1: You go first.
Executive #2: Why?
Executive #1: I always go first...I don't know what your problem is.
Executive #2: I don't have a problem; why can't you just go up the stairs first?
137 Ocean Avenue
Lakewood, New Jersey
2PM Meeting to Find Our Motto
VP: We have to create the problem that the customer will want to solve.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
9AM Client Call
VP Research on phone: Look, I understand you think your project numbers are important, but we have data to suggest you don't need to know them.
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
12AM The Same People Who Work Hard for Someone Else's Company
Marketing manager: I think we'll just give him our rationale, and if he objects, that's crazy! Who would object to logic?
1 Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
12AM Surely He Means The Da Vinci
Marketing exec: If we didn't have to spend so much time telling you our requirements, you could be done with the code already!
228 East 86th Street
New York, NY
8AM "Dictator for Life" Was Taken
Operator: Am I turning the conference over to you?
CEO: Yes.
Operator: And what title would you like to be associated with your name?
CEO: Supreme Commander.
Engineer: She thinks he's kidding.
Operator: So what title would you really like?
CEO: Supreme Commander.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Working in the Magic 8-Ball Factory
Executive: Is it okay if I take the intern with me to the meeting tomorrow?
Assistant: Sure.
Executive: Are you the person I ask about that?
Assistant: No.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Not the person either
2PM Staff Meeting
VP: That would be an unintended put option...as in put us out of our misery.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
11AM I Will Need Additional Information to Arrive at a Decision
Exec: I'll be right back, so don't lock me out.
Cleaning lady: If I knew who the hell you were, maybe I'd consider it.
Exec: I'm the reason you have a job.
725 East 40th Street
Holland, Michigan
Overheard by: INTERN
11AM Department Meeting
Marketing muckety-muck: ...I mean, you can put all the jewels that you want to on that girl, but if she doesn't have the surgery, it's not going to do any good.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
9AM Anywhere But Here...
Exec #1: ...Yeah, anybody can own a Louis Vuitton nowadays. You know someone really has money when they can control other people's time.
Exec #2: Totally.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Overheard on the Radio
The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).
As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.
1 Centre Street
New York, NY
4PM Marketing Powwow
Exec: Babies don't go online! Mothers do.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
11AM Check Forecast
VP: Did you see the numbers today?
Marketing Manager: No. Is it bad?
VP: No. We're up.
Marketing Manager: We are?
VP: Yeah. Yesterday we were down 4.31, today we're up 0.51%. I mean, the goal was 10% so we're not out of the woods.
Marketing Manager: So it's like they've given us a year to live, not six months?
VP: Something like that.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel Durand
4PM Get Ready to Go Home
Executive: You know it's been a productive day when you smell as bad as I do right now.
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
