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2PM My Job Is to Escalate the Confrontation
Angry customer: [Inaudible over phone.]
Employee: I apologize, sir. I understand your frusteration.
Angry customer: Why do you keep calling me 'sir'?
Employee: Oh! Ma'am. I apologize.
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM So White She Doesn't Know What's Happened to the N-Word
White girl: Jesus, I just got called a nigger!
Filipino girl: What? On your break?
White girl: Yeah! And by a black person. Homeless. Wouldn't give her money. I'm about as cracker as you get... total whitey. I mean, I'm wearing Banana Republic.
1900 Broadway
Oakland, California
1PM Likewise.
Office lady #1: It's so cold in here. Oooh! The hair on my arm is sticking up -- I didn't even know I had hair.
Office lady #2: Of course you do! You're a mammal...
Office lady #1: No, I'm Chinese! Oriental!
Male coworker: I have got to write this down.
185 Cambridge Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM But Since You're Standing Right Here, I Can Just Tell You in Person
Boss: Can we talk for a few minutes?
Colleague: In a minute. I need to finish writing nasty emails to staff who don't learn.
Boss: We can't write nasty emails! We have to be encouraging.
Colleague: Dear sir, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that you are a complete idiot...
Australia
9AM Why Nigerian Emails Work
Coworker viewing a Myspace page: Jeff Buckley's online! He's dead, how is he doing this?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
1PM Like So Many Things That Almost Make Sense, This Turns Out Not to Be True
Dumb girl: So if it is like 6 in California then it's like 6:30 in Nevada, right?
Dumber girl: No, Nevada's really close to Cali. It's probably only like 6:15.
6397 Springfield Mall
Springfield, Virginia
Overheard by: marshamellow
1PM I Woke Up Three Months Early!
Cashier #1 to customer: Have a good Easter.
Cashier #2: And have a Merry Christmas.
Cashier #1: Oh, shit.
Woolworth's
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: Lydia the Great
11AM Do We Still Have This Item in Birkenstock?
Assistant manager over speaker: Lesbian to the front please! Lesbian to the front register!
Eckerd Pharmacy Robin Hood Road
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: But my name is Leslie....
2PM The Valedictorian Was a Cinderblock
Ex-Army: I'm dumb as a rock and I still graduated number two in my class.
Ex-Marine: That's the Army for you.
250 South Country Fair Drive
Champaign, Illinois
Overheard by: zundian
1PM Creativity? I'm an Engineer
Male coworker: I would take Beyoncé's face, Beyoncé's legs, Beyoncé's arms, Beyoncé's body, and Beyoncé's ass and put them all together to make my dream woman... And I'd name her Beyoncé.
4510 Maplecrest Road
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Overheard by: Bk-Bitch
3PM You're Cruisin' for Another Time-Out
Peon, reading: 'The essence of client trust accounting is contained in these three words: Client, trust, accounting.' Really? I would have thought more like, 'Thermometer, Frankenstein, candle.'
Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Jeffner
11AM Actually, It Was Just a Dry Run
Lady #1: Where were you yesterday?
Lady #2: I was at my mother's cousin's funeral.
Lady #1: Why, did she die?
Lady #2: Yes.
Raanana
Israel
Overheard by: Shy One
4PM ... Instead of Going around Them
Employee #1: Yeah, she didn't have the info I need yet, so I'll have to circumvent with her later.
Employee #2: Circumvent? Do you mean circle back?
Employee #1: Circle back? That doesn't make any fucking sense. Why do I always take the blunt of your jokes?
1025 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
1PM Just a Minute--I'll Czech
Customer: Hi, can I get hold of Czech crowns here?
Bank flunky: Uhh...What was his first name again?
ASB Bank, Great North Road
Auckland, New Zealand
4PM Well Said, Mr. Secretary!
Office grunt: This water is so cold. It's like liquid ice.
1401 Constitution Avenue NE
Washington, DC
1PM Also Cleans Up Easier Than Motor Oil
Hairdresser: Oh, by the way, thanks for the tip about the Astroglide -- it's awesome! Client: Oh, you finally got some? And you love it?!
Hairdresser: Love it? I had to tell Paul* I saw an ad in Cosmo, or he'd know I was talking about our sex life at work.
Client: So, it's cool, right? And doesn't dry up, right?
Hairdresser: Listen, it makes him forget he's a New York police officer -- totally awesome!
Hillsdale, New Jersey
Overheard by: Receptionist
9AM Uh-Huh...And the Address?...1600 Pennsylvania Avenue...Got It.
Employee #1, on phone: Good morning, sir, my name is Brad*, and I'm from an execution service agency.
Employee #2: Dude. It's executive search agency!
Den Bosch
the Netherlands
Overheard by: Meme
10AM Do the Math? Do the Math? You Can't HANDLE the Math!
Customer: They're three for $0.99.
Cashier: We don't sell them at that price. They're $0.33 each.
Big Lots Store #1906, 498 South Boulder Highway
Henderson, Nevada
Overheard by: Lee Hall
12PM The Colonies Needed a Big Hancock
Council member: I heard you need my John Doe on something.
Clerk: I need your signature on some documents.
Council member: Yeah, my John Doe.
Clerk, laughing: You mean your John Hancock -- John Doe is an anonymous dead body. [Council member looks puzzled.] John Hancock has the biggest signature on the Declaration of Independence -- that's where the term comes from.
Council member: Oh.
City Hall
San Francisco, California
9AM Yo Quiero Matarle
Redneck employee: So, what do you call a quesadilla?
Latina employee: Quesadilla.
Redneck employee: Really? Just 'quesadilla'?
Latina employee: [Silence.]
Redneck employee: How do you say 'salt'?
Latina employee: [Walks away.]
1720 Indian Trail Lilburn Road
Norcross, Georgia
5PM Or, As I Affectionately Call Him, "G Love"
Employee on phone: G as in 'Jesus.'
8604 Cliff Cameron Drive
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Isn't Your Girlfriend Miss Potato Head?
Man: So, I told my girlfriend that if I fuck a midget it is not considered cheating.
Coworker: What? Yes, it is!
Man: No, it isn't. They aren't real people.
Presque Isle, Maine
Overheard by: wtf kind of place is this?
12PM Like, Mopedly So
Mailroom worker: I can't take him to the Christmas party -- he oh beast!
Receptionist: He's a beast? You mean he's ugly?
Mailroom worker: No, he's fat. Like really fat. He's oh beast.
Floor 7, 9460 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
12PM Right from the Start, It's Been a Hard Job
White shirt: Who is in charge of the build here?
Blue shirt: I am in charge of getting it up.
White shirt: Okay, so you're the erection supervisor.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
3PM Bathroom Break
Clerk #1: My bladder hurts.
Clerk #2: What for?
Clerk #1: I was holding it all morning, and then I finally went, and now it's been hurting.
Clerk #2: You probably shouldn't do that. Your bladder can explode, you know.
49275 Electron Drive
San Diego, California
2PM Astonished at His Success, the Customer Went on to Broker Peace Between the Israelis and the Palestinians
Counter person: Hi, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I'd like a dinner for twelve, please.
Counter person: Oh, I'm sorry. For orders that large you have to call catering at least twenty-four hours in advance.
Customer: Er, then how about two dinners for six?
Counter person: Oh, sure, we can do that.
Boston Market, Highway 60 and Limona Road
Brandon, Florida
Overheard by: Stefanie
10AM And I Am Speaking to You Over the PA
Announcement over PA after lights go out: Attention everyone -- the lights are off.
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Can I at Least Steal Office Supplies?
Interviewer: Are you comfortable with the salary for this position?
Interviewee: Well, not really, but since I don't currently have a job, I guess it'll have to be okay.
Salt Lake City, Utah
10AM Or the Philadelphia Equivalent
Employee #1: I've never worked in an office building where there are so many plants. It's getting to look like a jungle in here.
Employee #2: I don't care about how it looks. I'm just worried that these plants are going to use up all of our oxygen.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Worst. Porno. Ever.
Female phlebotomist to male patient: I hope this is a size 25 needle. [Sticks him] Oh, no! This is a size 22 needle -- it's too small. Blood is rushing into the vein, see? It's blowing up. I'm blowing you! ... Oh my god, I don't mean that!
Medical center
Medford, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Dr. Fred
1PM When Good Deeds Become Career-Limiting
HR clerk: Excuse me, ma'am, but it appears that you have something stuck in your pantyhose on your left leg.
Visiting manager's wife: I'm not wearing pantyhose!
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
1PM This Just In: Jerry Falwell and Jerry Garcia -- Separated at Birth
Cube rat #1 reading email: Is... Jason Smith* kin to Jason Ellis*?
Cube rat #2, in coddling tone: [Sigh] Just because their first names are the same doesn't mean they are related.
Cube rat #1: Oh, okay.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Shopping at Tautology
Girl: Excuse me, do you carry tonic water?
Stock boy: Yeah, I think so. I mean, if we have it, it's probably somewhere in the store.
Girl: Uh, thanks.
Schnooks
Memphis, Tennessee
12PM It Was Supposed to Eliminate Frizz
Bimbette #1: I burned my ear this morning.
Bimbette #2: Oh, on your curling iron?
Bimbette #1: No, with the coffee.
2402 West Beardsley Road
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: InvertedSpear
2PM A Few Are Really Overweight
Study abroad agent: We currently have 10 students in dozens of countries.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
9AM Back to Work
Teller: I haven't decided yet if I'm going to see The Da Vinci Code. I want to see it, but if I do I'll feel like I'm. . . supporting. You know?
Bank AVP: . . . Supporting?
Teller: The Devil!
Long pause
Bank AVP: Tom Hanks is the devil?
48 Clifty Kirkmansville Road
Clifty, Kentucky
10AM They're Both Pretty Busy This Time of Year
Male coworker to deskmate: I'm still waiting for Emmitt Smith and Jesus to accept my MySpace friendship.
466 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ro
3PM During an Office Fire, Some Employees Will Run Directly into the Flames
Coworker #1: Where are we supposed to meet for the tornado drill?
Coworker #2: Beth* said that we can just stay at our desks because we're already in the basement. She'll come around and do a head count.
Coworker #1: So we don't have to go outside, then?
Coworker #2: Um... no.
7000 Portage Road
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: Snark Monster
11AM Nice Work If You Can Get It
HR girl: Have you looked at that guy's resume?
HR guy: Yeah, but I'm a little concerned about his spermatic work history.
HR girl: ... Sporadic?
HR guy: Yeah. My bad.
Terrell, Texas
Overheard by: HR girl 2
4PM Aliens: Why Don't They Just Use E-mail?
Stoner coworker training newbie on fax machine: This fax machine, like, never works... But I find it really helpful if you whistle the tune to Close Encounters of the Third Kind while you're faxing... [Newbie stares.] See?! Another fax through!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Sarita
10AM Whatever Shall We Do?
Woman #1: Does this copier work?
Woman #2: Yes, but it's not turned on. It will take a while to warm up.
Woman #1: I'm in a hurry, so I guess I'll just go to another office and use theirs.
Woman #2: Why don't you just use our other copier?
Woman #1: It's not working.
Woman #2: Really? I just used it last night.
Woman #1, going to copier: See? It says, 'Paper tray empty. Please load paper.'
425 I Street
Washington, DC
5PM Before I Order I Want You Both to Wash Your Hands, Okay?
Cube rat to another: ... Or you could try masturbating five times in one day!
Customer, entering moments before: [Clears her throat.]
Cube rats: ... Shit.
NW 39th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
12PM I Suppose Such a Thing Is Possible, but Why?
Customer: I'd like a double hamburger.
McGenius: Is that like a double cheeseburger without cheese?
McDonald's
Bucksport, Maine
Overheard by: Mr. E. Meat
12PM You'll Be Surprised and You Won't Even Know It!
Employee: I'm totally gonna sneak up on you when you're not here.
575 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thompson
3PM Like You've Never Wondered?
Worker: Is the mailer-daemon a real person?
Tech: Really?
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM Oh, Hell, I'm Smoking Right Now
Employee #1: Do you smoke?
Employee #2: I don't. Um, I try not to. Well, I did yesterday.
171 Nepean Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: chain
5PM Two in the Skull
Worker: Didn't the doctor say that you have to lose weight because it was pressing down on your diaphragm and giving you breathing problems?
A/P drone: Men have diaphragms?
Century City, California
Overheard by: Squelch
12PM Damn Those Ninja Shoes
Sales assistant #1: Man, I hate Glen* -- becomes a manager and gets all crazy.
Sales assistant #2: What's he makin' you do?
Sales assistant #1: Sweep the whole service alley! Man, sometimes I just wanna hit that guy. I've been here two years, and he makes me, the head sales assistant, do the crap work.
Sales assistant #2: [Stares.]
Sales assistant #1: He's right behind me, isn't he?
Sales assistant #2: Yup.
3709 East Central Texas Expressway
Killeen, Texas
5PM Jeez, I'm Starting to Freak Here
Counter girl: I'm sorry it's taking so long, but we're really busy today, and I'm the only one here.
Sympathetic customer: Yes, it's always busier when you're the only one, isn't it?
Counter girl: Yes, especially when I'm alone.
Ybor Square
Tampa, Florida
5PM How Instant Messaging Works
Corporate peon: Did you get my message?
Field rep: No, did you leave one?
Corporate peon: Well... No.
909 Lake Carolyn Parkway
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: Bigness
2PM I'm Writing Up a Review of the Wii
IT guy yelling across room: How do you spell 'boner'?
Orlando, Florida
11AM The Problem with Pre-Programmed Social Banalities
Telephone salesperson: May I please speak to Eric Smith*?
Receptionist: He doesn't work here any more, can I take a message?
Telephone salesperson: No, that's okay, I'll call him back.
1270 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian
1PM At Least None We Can Print
Cube dweller #1: Those guys out there in the warehouse are nice and seem to be doing well, but I don't know that any of them are going to go out of their way to be helpful.
Cube dweller #2: You mean 'proactive.'
Cube dweller #1: Well, yeah...
Cube dweller #2: Jack* [warehouse guy] used that term with me once -- 'proactive.'
Cube dweller #1: Uh-oh, maybe the drama out there is his fault.
Cube dweller #2: See, I always thought it was something Jessica Simpson used on her face, but he used it in a totally different way.
Cube dweller #1: ... There's no words to answer you right now...
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM They've Given Up Using the Suggestion Box
Voice on PA: Attention, everyone. I just found mouse droppings in the coffee grounds in the big kitchen.
Virginia
4PM It's Fine, We Unplugged Your Computer Months Ago
New department secretary: Is it okay to type when the screen is black?
Bank of America
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: rosa who else
5PM Maybe I Should Go Amend Her Chart?
Grunt #1: What's wrong with Debbie*?
Grunt #2: Uh, something's wrong with the gonads on her vocal cords.
Grunt #1: You mean 'nodules'?
Grunt #2: Oh, yeah.
Colleyville, Texas
Overheard by: quite amused
2PM One in Each of the Last Three Years
Coworker: So, this woman at my church just had twins, except she had three of them.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: fly on the wall
3PM Fortunately, the Lobotomy Expedited the Review Process
Partner: Call Greg* and have him look over these documents.
Associate: Greg had surgery yesterday and is in the hospital. Do you want to call someone else to review them?
Partner: No, Greg can do it. It's not like he's dead.
Associate: Okay, I'll call him in the morning.
Partner: No, call him now. It's not like he has anything better to do tonight.
Law firm, 1201 Elm Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: jennifer
12PM Use a Spoon Like Everyone Else
Woman gazing wistfully into yogurt cup: If my tongue was long enough, I'd lick my bottom.
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Mark
3PM They're Trading Asian Men
Asian coworker: What are you doing?
Caucasian coworker: Assembling the trade booth so we all know how to do it.
Asian coworker: Trade booth?
Caucasian coworker: For conventions, we set this up so people know who we are.
Asian coworker: What are you trading? Can I trade?
Caucasian coworker: Nevermind! Go back to your desk!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
5PM Many Americans Suffer from a Defective Sense of Gravity
Passenger #1: Don't you wanna use the stairs for just one floor?
Passenger #2: Hmmm... I never know which one goes up and which one goes down.
Packed elevator, 1909 K Street
Washington, DC
3PM We Only Sell Information Here
Customer: Does this come in black?
Store clerk: Yes. [walks off]
Department store, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
11AM Which Is Probably Why All My Blowfish Keep Dying
Disgruntled employee: I like my rage. I hold it close, like a really scratchy blanket. Or a blowfish.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM Oh Noz!
Cashier #1: What do you think of, you know, when people stick random Zs into words? Like, 'For shizzle, my nizzle'?
Cashier #2: Man, I hate it when people do that. They sound like they ain't got no speech.
8700 East 63rd Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Jedusor
2PM Earl Takes Issue with the Gregorian Calendar
Clerk: This form is made out for June 31st, but there isn't any June 31st.
Salesman: Why not? Is this a leap year?
Brunswick, Georgia
Overheard by: Julian Calendar
9AM But First Text Me to Let Me Know It's an Important Call
Marketing guy: Why haven't you kept me up to date on this account?
Ops guy: I've CC-ed you on every email I sent to them.
Marketing guy: I don't have time to read my emails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important email give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
5PM Of Course, without BeingThere I Can't Be 100 Percent Sure
Visitor: Excuse me, where's your kitchen?
Engineer: Eh?
Visitor: Where's your kitchen?
Engineer: My what?
Visitor: Your kitchen?
Engineer: It's in my house...
Peterborough
United Kingdom
10AM Better Hope English Doesn't Become the Official Language of the U.S.
Dumbest: He said he had a stomach ache so I gave him some Aflac--you know, rolodex?
Less Dumb: Antacids? Rolaids?
7th and Congress
Austin, Texas
1PM And Cool, Sweet Existential Despair
Peon #1: The French are pretentious, but every once in a while they invent something cool.
Peon #2: Yeah, like wife-swapping.
504 Main Street
Colorado
Overheard by: shaine
5PM Try Clenching the Other Sphincter
Girl on phone: I've been doing kegels for a week and I haven't pooped. I think I'm doing something wrong.
In front of Hart Senate Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neena
12PM Inventory
Employee: Hey, I have an open hour today. Is there anything you need?
Supervisor #1: Um, yeah. One of the ceiling tiles broke, and they don't make that type anymore, and in order to get an estimate redoing all the ceiling tiles, I need you to go around and count them.
Supervisor #2: Yeah...but in the corners: you know how they aren't full tiles? You need to measure them and figure out what percentage of a full tile it is. You know, so we can get an accurate assessment.
30 minutes go by.
Supervisor #1: Are you seriously counting all of those tiles?
Employee: Yeah, why? Oh, man. Fuck you guys.
11161 Mill Valley Road
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Bronxie
3PM Not Your Grandmother's CPR
Medical dispatcher giving CPR instructions: Now straddle his lips with your hips...
San Jose, California
Overheard by: firechick
11AM I Bet I Can Locate the Dimmest One in the Store
Customer: Could you tell me where the Amaryllis bulbs are?
Clerk #1: Hey, do you know where we keep the bulbs?
Clerk #2: I think they're on Aisle Four -- y'know, with the other electrical stuff.
Clerk #1, to customer: Did you check there? That's where we keep the bulbs.
Customer: No, no, no -- they're flowers! Do you have any?
Clerk #1: Well, I'm pretty sure we've got bulbs. Did you need a three-way one, or a regular one? You should check on Aisle Four, then.
1690 Grande Avenue
Arroyo Grande, California
Overheard by: Blue
5PM I Don't Get Indoors Much
Man: Is that meeting here on the tenth floor?
Woman: No, it's on the eleventh floor.
Man: Okay. Is that one floor up?
2775 Laurel Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
5PM Colorado: It's Out of This World (Allegedly)
Worker #1: Oh, didn't I tell you I'm moving to Colorado?
Worker #2: Really? When?
Worker #1: I leave next week, but I decided I would move to Colorado when I was six. That's when I heard John Denver sing "Rocky Mountain High."
Worker #2: That's why you're moving to Colorado?
Worker #1: Well, and because it's so hot here because of all the global warming going on. You know, they don't have that in Colorado.
Fairfield County, Connecticut
Overheard by: she actually is moving
11AM They're Always Taking Supplies and, Like, Using Them for Work
New girl: Why is the door to the file room always locked?
Veteran: Because someone might steal something.
New girl: Who all has a key?
Veteran: Everybody.
Columbia University
New York, New York
12PM Those Are Real?
Account rep: Is this other elevator still broken?
Receptionist: Correct.
Account rep: But, but, isn't that, like, a fire hazard?
Receptionist: Um, see those signs that say 'In case of fire, do not use elevators'?
Account rep: Oh. Right.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: glad she's not a firefighter
1PM Ironically, During the Actual Nuclear War He Handled Himself Fine
ERT member: Sir, you need to exit the building for the evacuation drill.
Employee re-entering building: I'm emotionally distraught. I can't participate.
Midwest
9AM Sarah Tobias: 'Too Late.'
Female employee: Man, I'm soo busy today. Why is everyone taking advantage of me?
Male employee: I dunno.
Female employee: Oh well, maybe I just let people take advantage of me. It's just easier that way.
Male employee: Some advice: don't ever say that in a bar.
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Chicago, Illinois
2PM He Books the WWE Package Tours
Travel agent #1: I would go back there in a heartbeat. China was so awesome.
Travel agent #2: I heard that China was insane.
Travel agent #3: Any ugly girl wrestler has to be a little insane. I mean, Chyna was the craziest woman wrestler ever.
Travel agent #1: Ummm... yeah.
Jasper Avenue
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
5PM Or a Q as in Cuba?
Phone rep: Can I get your name?
Customer: [Mumbles.]
Phone rep: I don't think I got that. Did that start with a 'K'... as in 'cat'?
Austin, Texas
12PM When You've Had that Many 'Shrooms, who Can be Sure?
BK guy: What did you do this weekend?
BK girl: I went to Ohio for a concert.
BK guy: Ohio? You went all the way over by California for a concert?
BK girl: Ummm... No...
Burger King, Rhode Island
1PM Talk to the Pantone People
Manager: There's no black in here.
Ink delivery man: What?
Manager: I ordered all the colors, but there's no black.
Ink delivery man: Well, yeah... Black's not a color.
700 East North Street
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: colorblind
11AM Oh, You Worked for the Government?
Male employee: I had an uncomfortable experience with someone putting something in my butt.
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM I'm Inquiring about Volume, Ass
Customer: How big is the one-pound burrito?
Employee: Um, that'd be one pound, ma'am.
Forrest Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa
1PM Cheney: I Swear, I Go through This Every Day!
Employee #1: I was just printing that thing you asked for!
Employee #2: This isn't what I asked for.
Employee #1: Yes, it is -- it's hotel information.
Employee #2: It is, but I asked you for information on a meeting.
Employee #1: Okay...
Employee #2: ... And you printed hotel information.
Employee #1: Right.
Employee #2, sighing: Where is the meeting information?
Employee #1: Oh! The meeting! You should have just said that in the first place, silly!
Employee #2: I-- Just forget it.
Employee #1: Okie dokie!
Waltham, Massachusetts
9AM It's Hard to Keep All Those Former Soviet States Straight
Girl: Hey, Pete*, are you feeling smart today?
Guy #1: Maybe, why?
Girl: Do you know if Korea is a separate country, or is it, like, part of China or Japan?
Guy #1: I have no idea. Why do you need to know?
Girl: I'm trying to look up UPS rates for Korea, but I can't find Korea.
Guy #1: Troy*!
Guy #2: Yes?
Guy #1: Is Korea a separate country from China or Japan?
Guy #2: Yes.
Girl: OK, well, I can't find it on the drop-down. Is it called something else?
Guy #2: Republic of Korea?
Girl: No.
Guy #2: South Korea?
Girl: Oh... OK, there it is!
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM Oh, Hell, Give Me a Buck and We're Good
Clerk trying to price-check produce: Now, how is it you spell cucumber? Is that with a K or a Q?
Supermarket
Biloxi, Mississippi
4PM I Should Be in the Ladies' Room Getting Ready for My Date with the CEO
Loud lady on cell: [Supervisor] called this morning to see if I was coming in. What does he care? I had a meeting this morning with him and Sam*. What were they going to do, ask me why I haven't been performing well? Did they want me to say I've asked to be transferred more than once because I've been sleeping with my supervisor and he won't stop harassing me? You know, I probably shouldn't be talking about this right in front of my office.
371 Hoes Lane
Piscataway, New Jersey
Overheard by: Justtryingtohaveacigarette
5PM NewsFlash: Crime Wave Linked to Font Addiction!
Co-Worker: Fonts are like my heroin.
820 West Superior Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM She Got Pregnant During a Gang Bang
Co-Worker #1: My sister just had her baby this morning!
Co-Worker #2: How exciting! Wait, who just had a baby last month?
Co-Worker #1: My sister.
Co-Worker #2: The same one?
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
7AM There's One in Every Office
Accountant: That's what happens when you're a bad-ass biker like me.
Accountant: I tend to favor a multiple chicken chuck: it gives you much more range.
Accountant: My daughter usually has her middle finger up from the time she starts driving 'til the time she's done.
Accountant: I wonder if the "Golf Cart Cop" feels some class inferiority chills when he drives past real cops.
Accountant: It doesn't have a poisoned dart or spider or anything in it, right? Ah, never mind, I've been reading too many Victorian romance novels.
Accountant: It's the most popular room in the building, you can lock the door, turn the lights off and take a nap. They need a La-Z-Boy boy in there. Privacy room.
Accountant: You're really good at giving love to plush animals. I am too, for that matter. They're almost as good as real animals. Less dirty, you know.
Accountant: Bruce Lee was, is, and always will be the top of the world.
Accountant: You're going to knit yourself a scarf? Then you'll look like a "Mos-lom."
Accountant: When you get old, you have to wear lots of cologne to cover up all of the old-people smells.
Accountant: I see Stephanie more as a "super toddler."
Accountant: I'm getting bit in the ass by the dog that I feed.
Accountant: This is about love. Love is about doing what I want. I love to give you the shit that I don't want.
Accountant: When I was little I used to be able to piss like 20 feet! You lose pressure when you get old though.
Accountant: Spatially is spelled just like spatula. Spatulas are good for flipping sausage.
Accountant: Yeah, they opened up my pants like a can of beans.
Accountant: The accounting chicken needs love.
Accountant: I know you listen to Sid Vicious, Eric, but I can't handle that level of excitement. Besides, he's dead. That's what killed him, anyway.
Accountant: I am good-looking enough to be gay.
Accountant: That way all their childbearing duties are finished by the time they're 18 and they can go off and fight the Irish scum.
Accountant: Kim shoots rubberbands with incredible accuracy. She always hits me, I almost never hit her. Although I did this time. Hey, right in the thorax!
Accountant: ...so modern motorcycles are designed so that the seats slope downward. It causes wedgies. So I'm thinking of not wearing panties anymore.
Accountant: The only thing you can do is stick your hand down your pants, but when you pull it out, the glove always stays.
Accountant: I was dressed like a bad-ass. You know, do-rag, sunglasses. I have to intimidate the people around me for my own safety.
Accountant: We had a janitor named Earl. He was a functional alcoholic.
Accountant: My wife and daughter are planning on having me committed so they can spend my inheritance.
Accountant: I wrote a little ditty: "They can't clean your clock when your glock is unlocked."
Accountant: Kadhafi: He was a good-looking guy at one point. Until Reagan blew the shit out of his country...it kind of aged him.
Accountant: Soon I'll control the whole market for rubber bands
Accountant: If I could, I'd wear a dot on my head. I think I'd go for red.
Accountant: You know, children are like dogs.
Accountant: Tell the insurance guy that your husband smokes a lot of dope so you were just checking on it.
Accountant: Blacks can use the N word, Germans can use the K word.
Accountant: Do rubber duckies have something to do with gay people? I stayed at this great hotel in San Francisco once; it was a total sex hotel. They had a Night of Pleasure kit that came with three rubber duckies.
Accountant: If you're hanging out with people from Nigeria, watch out. People from that country will steal your purse. Where do you think all those spam emails come from?
Accountant: If it's due, you must accrue.
Accountant: That's my "inquiring minds want to know" sound. I learned it on the Discovery Channel show When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth.
Accountant: My ass hurts so bad, oh my God.
Accountant: When I smell roadkill, I slow down. It's a rush.
Accountant: No no no, I just took her to the beach, there was no adultery involved. There could have been, but I'm a principled guy.
Accountant: I love this stuff. I put it in the CD changer in my Caddy and park by the lake and turn it way up. It makes me want to drive really fast. Especially the German stuff. It makes me think of murder.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
3PM Salesclerk Bob Guccione Asks Every Girl If She'd Like to Try on a Bathing Suit
Chick: Excuse me, do you know where I could find bedding?
Salesclerk with very heavy accent: Bedding suit?
Chick: No, not bathing suits -- bedding.
Salesclerk: [Blank stare.]
Chick: You know, pillowcases? Sheets?
Salesclerk: [Blank stare.]
Chick: Never mind.
Saks Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Close... It's Actually Global LUKEwarming
Professor: You will have those students that don't show up to class or office hours, or that don't care about their grades. What causes this?
TA: Global warming?
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: underpaid TA
5PM I Can't Answer That Until You Tell Me If You're Speaking English or Canadian
Executive assistant: Ooohh! Are you speaking Spanish or Mexican?
Hull, Quebec
3PM Ideas Need to Be Kept Isolated from Each Other
Ad rep running to office for Post-Its: I need my stickies, I need my stickies, I need my stickies! I get nervous without my stickies...
Texas
Overheard by: it's a good thing she's pretty
10AM And So Igneous to Use a Dictionary
Coworker: I just love paying bills online -- it is just so easy.
Blonde coworker: I know, it's so great.
Coworker: The computer has really made things efficient.
Blonde coworker: I know -- it is, like, sooo Antarctic to pay your bills by check nowadays.
30th floor, 55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Greg Case
11AM Or Whatever It's Called When you Drink too Much and Fall Asleep
Coworker: I swear, I keep falling asleep at my desk...I think I have epilepsy.
7945 Haven Ave
Rancho Cucamonga, California
4PM Seriously, Never Condo Shop When You're High
Waitress #1: I hate working here.
Waitress #2: Then why do you?
Waitress #1: Because, I bought a condo in San Diego, and now I have to work here on the weekends to make sure my mortgage is paid.
Waitress #2: Can't you just return it? Or sell it back?
Waitress #1: I don't have the receipt.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Stephanie Burns
2PM Fax Offer Letter
Co-worker: I just walked past the copy and fax machine area, and all the hair on my arms stood straight up like a science fiction movie!
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Install New Browsers
Employee #1: You don't like Safari?
Employee #2: No, man, all those popups...
Employee #1: Popups are great. Firefox is douche.
42-22 22nd Street
Long Island City, New York
Overheard by: Aaron
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I don't understand why she had to take her birthday off. I mean, if it's just your birthday and you're not doing anything special, what's the point?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I'd only take the day off if it was my birthday and I had cancer.
147 Columbus Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
3PM Let Me Get Some of That Ginkgo, Too
Middle-aged customer: Give me two packs of them Basic cigarettes.
Sales clerk rings up cigarettes and register beeps: It wants me to check your ID.
Middle-aged customer: I don't have no ID.
Sales clerk: How old are you?
Middle-aged customer: Uh. Um. 40... 50... 50-something.
Sales clerk: Okay, $9.75.
Walgreens, 5650 West Belmont Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Afford Homes
Peon #1: Yeah, I got the printer from this place that sells refurbished computers. Homeless people do it.
Peon #2: Ahhh, homeless people. What can't they do?
12 Desbrosses Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace
11AM Serves You Right for Faxing to People You Can Talk To
Employee #1 calling from adjacent building: Hey, you guys are using the wrong kind of paper in the fax machine.
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: You're using the wrong paper in the fax machine. Our faxes are coming out all smeary over here.
Employee #2: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Kramer Drive
Gibsonia, Pennsylvania
1PM A Good Way to Get People to Stop Sending You E-mail
Worker bee: Oh my god! I'm so excited, I'm gonna pee on the carpet! I got the e-mail about that 11-thousand-dollar deal! [Stands up up and lifts leg] Psss... Psss... Look at me! I'm the cat! I'm peeing on the carpet!
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM More of a Pamphlet, Really
Tester: I'm reading this book that will teach you all the Italian you'll ever need to visit Canada!
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
11AM He Knows the Geography of the Starship Enterprise Perfectly
Tech support guy: So, your city is spelled C-A-M-B-R-I-D-G-E?
Office girl: Yes, that's correct.
Tech support guy: And your state is M-A, for Miami, right?
Office girl: Um, well, yes -- M-A is right...
1033 Mass Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
11AM Montana Has All the Extremist Anti-Federalists
Travel agent #1: I can't find the District of Columbia brochures.
Travel agent #2: District of Columbia? Is that in Canada?
Billings, Montana
Overheard by: wow
4PM And They Wear These Little Hats to Prevent Alien Mind Control
Lady peon, back from vacation: Yeah, so in Israel they have something called Shabbat every Friday. I think it's a chicken dish.
2701 NW Vaughn Street
Portland, Oregon
11AM You Say They Have Computers That Do That Now? Here, I'll Give You a Push
Male employee: Oh, I'm sorry. I could've scared you and you could've fallen.
Female employee sitting in an open, screenless window: That's okay, you didn't scare me.
Male employee: You look like you're going to jump. Please don't jump out the window. We really need someone to answer the phones.
98th Street and West End
New York, New York
Overheard by: adrienne
11AM NewsFlash: Truce Ending 100 Years' War Shattered!
Telephone customer: Hi, I need to find the international rates for calling to France.
Local phone operator: France? That's in England, right?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: disbelief
12PM I Just Put It in Reverse, Right?
Secretary #1: Has anyone used the shredder this morning?
Secretary #2: No, why?
Secretary #1: I need to get something back that I put in there this morning.
278 Morgan Street
Tonawanda, New York
2PM He Sent Pictures, See?
Assistant checking weather online: Ohhh! Derek* got 12 inches yesterday!
Cube rat: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Assistant: He got 12 inches!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Restock Printer
Office worker: The paper coming out of the printer is really hot! It's never been that hot before. Can we do something to cool it down?
Tech: Oh, I forgot! I put the summer paper in there! I'll switch to the winter paper! Give me 10 minutes.
1700 Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard
West Palm Beach, Florida
5PM ... And Biting Hard
Project manager: People think I'm a liberal because I'm always going down on George Bush.
Detroit, Michigan
5PM At Least, Not Here
Customer: ... But the sign outside says it's $1.99.
Cashier: That's the meat and potato burrito. You ordered chicken. That's not meat.
301 Water Street
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
3PM Or Something
Employee #1: Where is Great Britain?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in Scotland or something.
Toronto, Canada
5PM The Code Remains Unbroken
Dumb girl: Why do they call it 'Chicken Cordon Bleu'?
Dumb guy: Uh, duh! Cor-don-bleu... It means 'ham-and-cheese'!
Rockford, Illinois
3PM So Dos Equis Would Not be Enough?
Nagster: For the last time, forms to Mexico have to be in Spanish and in triplicate, not in gibberish and in oneplicate!
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM Because I've Heard Stories About These 'Dingoes'
Employee on phone with child care center: Ummm, I don't know... do you have trouble with children escaping?
Canberra, Australia
Overheard by: the entire, amused office
4PM Newton's Last Law
Office peon: No matter how many pairs of underwear you have, if you don't do your laundry, eventually you will run out.
501 Jackson Street
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Laughing at everyone
12PM A Series of Humiliating Tests Ensued
Customer: I want to return this breast pump. It doesn't work.
Manager: What's wrong with it?
Customer: It doesn't suck!
Store
Fort Worth, Texas
12PM I Don't Have a Copy of His Résumé, Either
Applicant: I don't have a copy of my résumé. A dog threw up on my laptop.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: alxie
2PM Get the Mirror Off Your Desk
Employee: I've been on e-mail since 5 AM, and all I see is incomptitude.
550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: hearing it in stereo
4PM Call for Puddles' Diagnosis
Employee: So Doc, how long before the leg grows back?
Vet: It's not a freakin' starfish!
4448 Hendricks Avenuw
Jacksonville, Florida
9AM It's Too Early for This
Woman: There's something wrong with my computer. There are satellites
and things floating around! Why did you work on my computer? I thought you were done. I have to get my work done! Do you know what you are doing! Fix it!
IT gal: Okay, let me see. I did not work on your system today, let me
look.
Mouse click.
IT gal: ...It's the screensaver.
4411 Beacon Circle
West Palm Beach, Florida
9AM A Concept As Realistic As Pixie Dust
Sales guy to another: Hey, have you ever tried that green fairy stuff? You know, abstinence?
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM Eh, the Whole State Has a Permanent Case of Colony Collapse Disorder
Grunt #1: Oh, man, I need a bagel. I weighed myself this morning and I'm lighter than I should be.
Grunt #2: One thirty-nine?
Grunt #1: Yeah, that's bad... Even for me.
Grunt #3: Carbo-load.
Grunt #2: Put butter and cream cheese on the bagel.
Grunt #1: Oh my god, did you hear about the bees?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: They're dying.
Grunt #3: Oh, yeah, I think it was Einstein that said if the bees die, you know, culture dies...
Grunt #2: Bee culture?
Grunt #1: No, like us -- California culture.
Grunt #3: Performing arts?
1355 Sansome Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Free Will in the Delivery Room
Coworker, about a newborn: Then her husband cut the Biblical cord...
171 17th Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM That's Your Answer to Everything
Programmer: Okay, so he asked us for a digital signature solution to document tracking and approval... Ideas?
Analyst: What if we got a couple midgets, and bought a few Etch A Sketches...?
1932 Wildcat Canyon Road
San Diego, California
10AM ... And Embellishing It
Employee written up for gossiping: I wasn't gossiping! I was just repeating something that someone else had told me!
Kansas
12PM Uses Perfect Grammar When Speaking to Himself
Employee, after hanging up with client: That was the most stupidest person I have ever spoke to.
44th Street and Camelback Road
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Grammatically Offended Boss
3PM What If Your Co-Worker's an Asshole?
Assistant #1: What if you get a busy signal?
Assistant #2: That means it's busy.
Assistant #1, after a long pause: Thank you.
450 N Street
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Assistant #3
5PM Bad Judgment, Then?
Sergeant: I need you to call an ambulance for a 32-year-old pregnant woman.
Control room operator: What do I tell them is wrong with her?
Sergeant: Well, she's pregnant!
Clark County Detention Center
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: cro
9AM Although a Few Benjamin Franklins Might Speed Things Along
Employee: No, your case does not take presidents.
Customer: Presidents?
Employee: Yes, presidents. You are not more important than anyone else.
Customer: [Sighs] Can I just get the tag?
Brevard County Animal Services Enforcement Office
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: waiting for my rabies tag
10AM Listening Is the Critical Skill in Sales
Customer: Do you carry mattresses? [Sales woman looks confused.] Mattresses... Beds... Can you tell me where those are?
Sales woman, pointing at elevators: Oh, yes, right over there.
Customer, speaking slowly: No, I said, 'Where are the mattresses?' The beds... What floor?
Sales woman: Oh, I don't think we carry those. I thought you said 'elevator.'
Department store, Paramus Mall
Nyack, New York
Overheard by: RobynPuff79
1PM And Certainly Not to France
Lady peon #1: Chipotle's burritos are, like, so good!
Lady peon #2: Yeah, I know. Carol*, have you ever had one?
Carol: Uh, I've never been out of the country...
5813 South Kenwood Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: wow
10AM That Would Fit with All of My Other Answers
Employee #1: What are you doing?
Employee #2: A crossword. What's the capital of Maine? Is it Rhode Island?
Lombard and Buchanan Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Monitor Calls
Junior Help Desk Agent: Nothing makes her happy. All she does is complain. I would hate to be her husband.
Senior Help Desk Agent: Uh, Joe, that is the speakerphone button, not the on-hold button.
User on speaker: Do you think you can stop ranting and help "the bitch" now?
8001 Development Drive
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: EL Gee
10AM And How Much for Illumination?
Sales guy on phone with admin: Is the printer still down? Mm-hmmm. Well, if I needed something printed today, could you, like, hand-print it or something? Mm-hmmm. I see. Okay, thanks.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Why Is Blackwater Security Even Doing a Children's Project?
Employee digging for appropriate giveaway for children's project: Let's see what we got... Oooh, a grenade! Kids love grenades!
Noho
New York, New York
1PM How Do You Expect Me to Work in Conditions Like This?
Annoying peon: Can you get on the internet? [To a second peon] Can you get on the Internet? [Shouts down hall] Can anyone get on the Internet?! Nothing will come up! I can't even get my usual porn sites to come up!
Baltimore, Maryland
1PM West of the West Bank
Blonde hostess: So, I started saying, 'Oy' all the time this summer, and someone asked me where that word came from. I think it must just be a midwestern thing to say, huh?
Ames, Iowa
3PM Maybe Back When We Had a Functioning Democracy They Were
Government employee #1, explaining the organization: Yeah, we do a lot of work with countries in Africa and South America... Countries without functioning democracies...
Government employee #2: But wait -- we've worked with England and Japan, too. It's not just the B-list countries.
Government employee #3: Wait, aren't all countries B-list in relation to the U.S.?
666 11th Street NW
Washington, DC
10AM The Weighing of the Liver Was My Favorite Part!
Coworker to intern: So, how was the autopsy? Did you have a good time?
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
4PM Should Be Tattooed on Your Inner Thigh
Sales guy to customer: Can I have your date of birth and expiration date?
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
Overheard by: Nikki
9AM Which Was Named After the McDonald's Clown and That Suicide Girl
Employee #1: So how do we go about naming our aircraft?
Employee #2: Well, the Reserve has a plane named The Spirit of Ronald Reagan.
Employee #1: Who is that named after?
Boss: It's named after the airport, I think.
The Pentagon
Arlington, Virginia
1PM That's Why I Have an Assistant
Guy: ... And there's no way I'll fellate myself.
Crowded elevator, 201 Sussex Street
Sydney, Australia
10AM Marketing Session
Co-worker #1: Are Abercrombie and Fitch catalogs homoerotic?
Co-worker #2: Oh my god. Totally!
Co-worker #1: But they aren't gay, right?
Co-worker #2: What do you think homoerotic means?
584 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM Both are Growing Nicely
Co-worker #1: How's the new baby?
Co-worker #2: She's doing great thanks!
Co-worker #1: Does she have hair?
Co-worker #2: She's got tonnes of hair!
Co-worker #1: How about eyes?
Co-worker #2: ...Yes, she has eyes...
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Or Until the Ninth Month, in My Case
Preggers peon: You know, people only think you're pregnant for nine months, but it's really ten because you don't know you're pregnant for the first month.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Mic all
3PM Back Up -- Baby Pool Filled with Acid?!
Girl reporter: So he said, 'I hope you people fall into acid!' Who wishes that?
Guy reporter: Wow, intense.
Girl reporter: Yeah. But the logistics -- who fills the baby pool with acid?
Guy reporter: The terminator fell into acid in T2.
Girl reporter: The Riddler... No, the Joker fell into acid.
Guy reporter: He lived though.
Girl reporter: And tried to kill Batman. So, see? People falling into acid works out badly for the rest of us.
500 West Jefferson Street
Monroe, North Carolina
9AM Wherever That Might Be
Dean: I don't think we can be the best in the United States, but I do think we have a shot at being the best in the world.
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
1PM So That's Two Dead Angels Right There
Woman #1: What are you listening to?
Woman #2: Bing Crosby. Do you even know who that is?
Woman #1: Duh. It's that guy who said, "Every time a light bulb goes out, an angel dies."
Woman #2: You idiot, that's Jimmy Stewart.
315 North Broadway
Tyler, Texas
5PM She Has Trouble Hearing When She's Going 'BLURGH!'
Guy #1: I was talking to Megan the other day. She is pretty cool.
Guy #2: Yeah, she is, but man, she is really bulimic.
Guy #3: Bulimic? What does that mean? Does that mean she's deaf?
YMCA
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: T
9AM Back to Work
Designer: Hey, you left your turn signal on. Better turn it off or you'll run out of blinker fluid.
Secretary: Oh, okay. I don't even know how to check that. I'll have the guy at the dealership fill it next time.
201 Forrester Drive
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
12PM Maybe He Can Put You on Overheard...Again
Co-worker: I figure, if he sends me to jail, I'm just going to call the judge a cocksucker. 'Cause at that point, what can he do?
6111 Oak Tree Boulevard
Independence, Ohio
4PM The Architect Insisted the Museum Have a Rumble Seat
Library supervisor: Can you hand me those staplers? I've gotta take them back to those who dwell in the rear.
Library
Columbia, South Carolina
5PM I'm Deeply Ambivalent about the Constitution
Employee, about jury duty: I figure if they're in court, they're guilty of something, or why would they be there?
323 East Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Dunder Mifflin
12PM God, It's Good to Be Employed Again!
9 to 5-er: I love orange juice! It's like eating an orange, and I like oranges!
El Toro Road
Laguna Hills, California
Overheard by: I like oranges, too
12PM It's Always in the Last Place You Look
Pregnant teen cashier: Where is my prostate?
Coworker: Uhhh...
South Carolina
5PM When They're in the Litter Box, It's Payback Time!
Middle-aged cashier to customer: Sometimes, when I'm on the toilet pooping, my cats come in and bite my feet!
Plymouth, Michigan
12PM The Unauthorized Biography
Bookstore clerk: Hehe, there's a book called The Idiot?
Barnes & Noble
Emeryville, California
9AM You Know What's Really Vintage? Beating Someone to Death With a Lead Pipe.
Middle management: Hey, I like your tie. It looks very vintage.
Regular employee: "Vintage"...Yeah, hey I like that! That sounds great!
Later, at lunch.
Regular employee: Hey, guys, check this out! I just put cheese on my soup. Now that is vintage!
Raleigh, North Carolina
5PM California-Straight, Anyway
Interviewee: My current girlfriend used to be a lesbian, but she's straight now.
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
Overheard by: Interviewer in another row
4PM Review Mock-up Day Planners
Co-worker #1: Oh my gosh! They didn't give us a September 31 this year!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: I'm serious! Look! What is this? Some sort of reverse leap year thing?
Co-worker #2: Yes, that's exactly what this is. A reverse leap year.
Co-worker #1: Oh that's so sad, you know, for all the kids whose birthdays are on the 31st.
Co-worker #2: You're fucking brilliant.
2900 31st Street
Santa Monica, California
12AM That's Where He Goes to Do Number 1/2
One guy steps up to the tall urinal, while the other man, a little person, steps up to the short urinal. The tall guy looks over and
comments: I guess they installed that urinal especially for you to use.
6821 Montevideo Sq. Ct.
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: Ron Rammelkamp
5PM I'm Too Ashamed
Cashier: Oh, I'm sorry, it says your funds are insignificant. Maybe you should call your bank?
917 East Broadway
Tempe, Arizona
2PM I'm Convinced -- Here's 13 Dollars
Guy with wallet-chain and flannel shirt: The only difference between me and Kurt Cobain is I don't have a heroin addiction. Or a shotgun.
3rd floor, Accenture building
Austin, Texas
2PM Until My Bicycle Seat Fell Off
Office grunt: I never realized how hard metal was.
2201 Main Street
Williamsville, New York
9AM Why Couples Shouldn't Work in the Same Office
Good listener #1: Have you tried mango Propel?
Good listener #2: Nope.
Good listener #1: Is it any good?
Human Services, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: uberkt
9AM I Shall Call Them "One" and "Two"
Cube dweller: I'm having two feelings in one day, which is unheard of.
1301 Central Street
Evanston, Illinois
Overheard by: cbn
11AM Work on Project
Co-worker #1: Well, it's not going to be ready now...
Co-worker #2: I don't think it's due to be done until the due date.
1 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
7AM Just Take the Window and Make Us All Happy
Employee: I need to go to Accounting. What floor is that on?
Receptionist: It's on two.
Employee: Is that up or down?
11 West 53 St
New York, NY
11AM It's Right Next to That Note That Says You Should Give Me All Your Money
Co-Worker #1: Hey, what budget number should we use for this? The old one or the new one?
Co-Worker #2: What does that email you printed out and pinned to your wall say?
Co-Worker #1: It says I should use the new one.
Co-Worker #2: Then I think you should use the new one.
Co-Worker #1: Cool, thanks!
Co-Worker #2: No problem.
5201 Paint Branch Parkway
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: i'm glad i don't work there anymore
4PM Everybody's Founding Fathers Drink the Blood of the Living
Vet tech #1: Aren't there a lot of castles in Pennsylvania? I was watching a show on TV about all the castles there.
Vet tech #2: I think you're thinking of Transylvania.
North Lamar Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: pooper scooper
10AM She Knows Where Jimmy Hoffa Is, Though
Desk assistant: So what happens if we go on strike? Do we not come to work?
CBS Broadcast Center, 524 West 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: This is the future of network news
4PM After Luring and Shooting It
Office lady: I don't understand why he got life in prison. All he did was try to help dispose of the body.
100 West 33rd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: C-Rizzy
2PM Development Meeting
Dev: Well, what you have to do is--
QA: Wait, wait. Can you start at the beginning?
Dev: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
QA: ...
1600 Clarkson Road
Chesterfield, Missouri
9AM I'll Always Regret Getting That Question Wrong on My AP Exam
Old man peon looking at photograph: This is dated 1873 -- a year before Pabst won the ribbon!
Washington, DC
1PM And Then We Invaded Iraq
Worker bee: I love the smell of gasoline. I'd sniff gasoline all day long, if it wouldn't, you know, kill you.
2000 East El Segundo Boulevard
El Segundo, California
4PM Performance Review: Fails to Extrapolate
Employee #1: So did you know that any time you reserve a conference room, you have to also make a separate reservation for the media equipment?
Employee #2: Yeah, you always have to make a separate reservation for the equipment.
Employee #1: So when I reserved the conference room, why didn't you tell me I needed to make a separate reservation for the equipment?
Employee #2: Well, you asked if they had it. You didn't say you needed to USE it.
Santa Barbara, California
1PM When the Inner Monologue Becomes the Outer, Grasshopper, It Is Time to Leave the Theater
Ticket taker to patrons: Enjoy the movie! Theater ten is on the left. Enjoy your movie! [In exasperation, at same volume] I really, really hate this job!
Mississippi
Overheard by: Amused Movie Goer
10AM Pick Up! I Know You're There!
Coworker on cell when it starts ringing: Oh, crap. I think I just called myself.
Rockville, Maryland
9AM Back to Work
Worker: Can you please help with the thingy, you know, um, over there?
Manager: Well done, very descriptive.
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM Skipped School to Watch Monty Python
Office radio just played 'High Hopes,' by Frank Sinatra.
Flaky girl: What's a 'rubber tree plant'? Is it, like, a plant made of rubber, or a plant you get rubber from?
Yuppie girl: It's a Rubber. Tree. Plant. So, like, a plant-tree.
Flaky girl: What's that?
Yuppie girl: Like, a baby tree.
Flaky girl: So, a baby tree is a plant?
Yuppy girl: Well, it's like how a baby duck is a duckling. It's not really a duck.
Flaky girl: So, a baby is not really a human?
Yuppie girl: So it would be easy for the ant to move it.
St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: I Dont Have Very High Hopes For These Two
11AM It's Possible You Won't Believe What You See
Shipping clerk: I have a package here for you.
Asian scientist: What is in the box?
Shipping clerk: I don't know, but it's probably cells, since it says 'dry ice.'
Asian scientist: But what's in the box?
Shipping clerk: Why don't we take it to the lab and open the box?
Asian scientist: Okay, but what's in the box?
American scientist: I think that's the stuff you ordered.
Asian scientist: Oh, yes, okay. But what can possibly be in the box?
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Then I Want You to Stay on the Phone with Me 'til He Gets Here
Customer: Can you tell me if the installer is running on time today?
CSR: I have no way of knowing that, sir. Your appointment is scheduled between twelve and four today. If the installer is not there by four, then you can call back and we can tell you that he is running late.
Enfield, Connecticut
10AM An Air Traffic Controller Had to Talk Her Down
Coworker: I can't get my thingy on my dilly to pull out so I can get the thing to put on my paper! Can someone help me?
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Helio
10AM Take Part in This Quick Survey and We Can End This Charade
University phone solicitor: So, did you hear that the College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences has a new dean?!
Guy being solicited: I don't really care.
University phone solicitor: Me neither.
Jefferson and McClintock Avenue
Los Angeles, California
4PM They're Good Mostly for Office Supplies
Guy on phone waiting for other end to pick up: If I'm going to get caught embezzling, it's not going to be at a nonprofit-- [other end picks up] --Hi, Deborah*!
San Francisco, California
11AM You Have to Go to Metaphor School before You Can Be a Manager
Manager #1: My roommate is acting a little off.
Manager #2: What do you mean?
Manager #1: It's like her elevator doesn't go to the top anymore.
Staff: You have an elevator in your house?
Sonoma, California
5PM Relax and Try Not to Think about Jessica Simpson Any More
Cube monkey with web problems on phone to IT: Ugh, I can't get it up. Get your ass over here -- I can't get it up!
Bristol
England
Overheard by: Mhlanguli
10AM Defined My Terms Nicely
Female coworker: I hope he doesn't mind that I wrote my report in eyeliner.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Long-term Planning
Employee #1: I just don't understand the point of Martin Luther King Day.
Emoloyee #2: Come on! It's a big day! It celebrates when Martin Luther King freed the slaves.
Employee #1: That was Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. Well, it celebrates when Martin Luther King gave the Emancipation Proclamation.
Employee #1: That was also Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. I'm not very good at history.
821 Benvenue
Rocky Mount, North Carolina
3PM Treebeard Calls an Entmoot to Resolve the Issue
Employee #1: So, should I make the hotel arrangements, or should you? Or should I, or what should we do?
Employee #2: Oh, I don't know... Maybe if I do it... Or you could do it, that would be fine.
Michigan
2PM I Was Going to Go with Your Competitors, but You're Clearly My Kind of People
Office guy spatting while office girl: You slap like my mom.
Office girl: [Laughs.]
Client on speakerphone with office supervisor who's frantically hushing employees: I think the guy in the background just said he slept with his mom.
Ringwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: cps
1PM China: We'll Put It Right Next to Tibet
Employee #1: Is Thailand really a type of land?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in... China, maybe?
Employee #1: Ohhh.
Post office
West Palm Beach, Florida
11AM Right Near Where They Have the Running of the Frogs?
New art director: This product line is called Madrid, right?
Creative director: Yes.
New art director: So why do you want me to look for images of the south of France?
Creative director: Isn't Madrid on the coast of France?
325 Model Farm Road
High Point, North Carolina
Overheard by: I could find that on a map
11AM Donald Trump: You're Fired
QA agent: Can you remind the agents to put their comments in apprentices?
Team leader: In what?
QA agent: Apprentices. You know, the bracket things.
Team leader: Uhhh... Yeah, sure.
4 Mangrove Way
Montego Bay
Jamaica
Overheard by: Not an apprentice
11AM I Promise Never to Play My Waterfall CD in the Office Again
HR drone: I apologize for any incontinence this may have caused.
Yonkers, New York
10AM Stupid Hypnotist
Payroll clerk to another: So, whenever anyone says 'payroll,' I stab someone and piss myself!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Goin' Payroll
10AM Print Reports
Engineer: Ah, crap.
Secretary: Whatsamatta?
Engineer: Printer's giving me an error message.
Secretary: And what does it say?
Engineer: Tray two is empty..
Secretary: Well, then fill it. Reams are right next to it.
Engineer: Yeah, uh, well, which tray is tray two?
Secretary: Gee, I don't know; maybe the one labeled "two"?
Engineer: Oh, that's what those numbers mean?
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR #1: What does IT stand for?
CSR #2: Idiotic tendencies.
CSR #1: Oh, so that's why we forward them all the stupid questions.
4800 NW 1st Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: customerserviceslave
5PM Because I Borrowed It
Secretary to lawyer: Was that your condom they found on the second floor of the parking garage?
Cleveland, Ohio
9AM See This Eye Patch?
Man: Well, once you shoot yourself in the foot with a nail gun, you'll know you should never point it at anything.
Software company
Birmingham, Alabama
12PM That's Why It's a Little Lopsided in the Back
Receptionist: In my head I get banged all the time!
Côte-des-Neiges Road
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: better without context
2PM Why the Office Blowtorch Was Retired
Phone rep: If I were my eyebrows where would I be?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM All Right, All Right, I'll Like It.
Assistant on phone with sales rep: Allen*, what was going on with that part for Darin*?
Allen: It'll be in here in the morning. I'm going to drive it down there, and I'm probably going to have to blow him, but I won't like it!
Assistant on phone: He said they'll... Wait... What did you say, Allen?!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM That Four Corners Place Is Really Going to Freak Her Out
Boss: That lady is from Alabama. I used to visit there when I was a kid. It was only 20 to 30 minutes from my house.
Receptionist: ... But you lived in Georgia.
Orange Park, Florida
Overheard by: Tristan
11AM Expanding Outreach
Woman #1: Hi! You must be new here. What's your name?
Woman #2: Anna*
Woman #1: Anna, when did you start?
Anna: Five years ago.
700 West Capitol Avenue
Little Rock, Arkansas
5PM The Founder of National E-Mail Right to Life Couldn't Even Delete Viagra Spam
Old-man employee: I am having problems with e-mail.
IT guy: What's wrong?
Old-man employee: I have got thousands of e-mails in my inbox and cannot send anything out 'cause I think the virus that is causing me to get all these e-mails is going to be spread to others.
IT guy: You don't have a virus.
Old-man employee: But I have thousands of e-mails. But I guess they are beautiful to watch.
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Alyn
2PM How Bleu Cheese Dressing Was Invented
Cube dweller: The ranch is very weird today. Not weird-bad, but weird-tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. [Later] Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as... gone bad.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM And, You Know, Agony
Male desk drone, stretching: I'd love one of those medieval torture tables, y'know?
Female coworker: Uh, the rack?
Male desk drone: Yeah! I love stretching.
Hertfordshire
UK
Overheard by: Lorzgrins
5PM Amnesty International Says That's Torture, You Know
Employee: Nah, if he asks me for a ride, I ain't giving it to him. I mean, maybe I will and then I'll turn the radio to the Christian station and blast it and say, 'I'm sorry! It's my vehicle!'
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: The Temp
5PM I Mean, I Don't Think So...
Office grunt #1: Hey! So, you're back in the office, eh? Where were you last week?
Office grunt #2: Oh, I was in Guatemala.
Office grunt #1: Really? In Europe?
Office grunt #2: No.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Anonymous
10AM Clarification Memo
Coworker: Derek's* married? To a WOMAN?!
165 West 46th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Beth
2PM Behind Schedule
Co-worker: I think from now on, I'm going to speak in the third person about myself, and I'll call myself "Angry Chinese clam." Angry Chinese clam is most displeased with your actions.
120 North La Salle
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Next Time, I Think I'll Outsource
Woman in stall: I can do it... I know I can do it! ... I did it! [Flush.]
Third bathroom stall over
San Dimas, California
Overheard by: badfishey
4PM I'm Almost Sorry I'm Going to Have to Destroy You
Worker #1: Today is the longest day of sunshine.
Worker #2: What if it rains?
Worker #1: The sun doesn't go down when it rains.
Worker #2: But it's not out.
Worker #1: Yeah, but it doesn't go down! ... You are so pretty!
Portland, Texas
Overheard by: Kayte
3PM God, Will This Freakin' Day Ever End?
Worker bee: So, there are seven categories, and each category has seven sections. Seven times seven is... a lot.
Mercer Street and Fairview Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: passed 3rd grade math
1PM What Happens When Word-of-the-Day Calendars Don't Include Definitions
Cube dweller: Well, you don't want to be ambiguous in your genocide.
31355 Oak Crest Drive
Westlake Village, California
11AM Reader Poll: Who's Your Office Kevin?
Receptionist answering phone: XYZ Law Firm*. How can I help you?
Assistant, on the phone: Hey, it's Kevin*. While I'm buying supplies, can I get myself some candy?
Receptionist: No, just get what's on the list.
Assistant: But last time I got candy and everyone liked it.
Receptionist: No, no candy.
Assistant: Okay. Um, about the light bulbs... Did you want me to buy frosted or clear ones?
Receptionist: I don't know. It doesn't matter. Just get the clear.
Assistant: Yeah... Um, no. They don't have any clear.
2223 East Speedway Boulevard
Tucson, Arizona
12PM Just the Sort of Argument a Hair Lawyer Would Make
Hair stylist: What do you do for a living? You look like a lawyer.
Customer: Actually, I'm a doctor.
Hair stylist: Well, that's a kind of a lawyer.
Cloverdale Plaza
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
3PM And What's This Clause about Dingleberries?
Two managers are determining whether palm tree maintenance is covered in a landscape maintenance contract.
Property manager: It says 'pruning as needed,' but that says 'shaving of the pineapple.' It can't be the same thing.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Pregnancy: Like a Tapeworm, but With a Baby at the End of it All
Coworker: I wish I was pregnant. You can eat as much as you want and nobody says anything.
Dakota Street
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
3PM Terrorism Totally Counts as Labor
Host: Well, I think that's going to be September 11th. Check the calendar.
Computer tech: September 11th? Isn't that something important? Oh, that's Labor Day, right?
Host: 9-11.
Computer tech, looking clueless: Ohhh. Well, okay.
421 NW Riverside Drive
Evansville, Indiana
Overheard by: Amanda
5PM That's a Wrap
Voice on elevator emergency intercom: Hello? Hello?
Confused woman who just got on: Um.....yes?
Voice: Yes, I'm Karen* from American Express. Can I please speak with Shin Chen*?
Woman: Um...No... You just reached an elevator.
Voice: Oh! Well, thank you for using American Express. If you have any questions, please call 1-800-555-1234*. Thanks for using American Express and have a great day!
541 Willamette Street
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: the other passenger
12AM You Can Still Have Sex on the Desks
Employee: How does my butt look in these pants?
Boss: What? You can't ask me that.
Employee: Oh...Can I ask you if someone else is my boss?
Boss: No, Brian.
Employee: How about if I'm not working here any more?
Boss: Still no.
Employee: Wow, having a job sure is different from college.
2445 M St NW
Washington, DC
5PM They're Bringing the Hat with a Buckle Back
Old hag customer: Isn't that one of those pilgrims from just South of here? She's ugly as sin.
Bimbette clerk: Oh my god! There are still pilgrims alive? And they live there? That explains so much about the Indian reservation being just down the road.
562 East Main Street
Louisville, Mississippi
Overheard by: Doesn't Work There Anymore
11AM And What's a 'Document'?
Employee: Hey, Bertha*, can you help me send a fax? It's been so long since I've had to use this.
Bertha: Okay, well, put your document face up here, and then enter the number here, and press "start."
Employee: What number?
Bertha: The fax number you're sending to?
Employee: Oh, am I supposed to know that?
208 Raleigh Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: snoopdude
10AM In Other Ews, a Riverside Woman Has Given Birth to Twin Cobs
Customer service girl eating from Christmas popcorn tin: Ew! These are sterile!
6141 Riverside Drive
Riverside, California
Overheard by: sylvie
9AM I Wish She'd Make Up Her Mind
Coworker #1: Don* sent me flowers today.
Coworker #2: Why did Don send you flowers? Did your grandma die again?
16th and K Street NW
Washington, DC
4PM At Last, An RDA Is Established for Cookies
Drone #1: I am trying really hard to stay away from these cookies on my desk.
Drone #2: Oh my God, tell me about it. Those cookies are GOOD.
Drone #1: Maybe if I look at how many calories they have, it'll be easier to stay away. One cookie, 120 calories.
Drone #3: Well, how many calories are you supposed to have?
Drone #1: I don't know. I think 2000 calories is supposed to be average.
Drone #3: And the cookies are 120? Then you can eat all you want!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM It Was the 'Let's All Go to the Lobby' Promo
Lady peon: Oh my god, last night I saw the most confusingest movie ever.
Barnie's Coffee and Tea
Jupiter, Florida
Overheard by: Bored Coffee Girl
9AM Back to Work
New girl: Someone put all this filing on my desk. Don't we have someone to take care of all this petty crap?
Old girl: Yes. You.
1 Becton Drive
Franklin Lakes, New Jersey
10AM Take Care of Jury Duty
Judge: So what does your wife do for a living?
Potential juror: Nothing.
Judge: She does nothing?
Potential juror: Nope.
Judge: Do you have kids?
Potential juror: Yes.
Judge: Yeah, she does "nothing".
265 East 161st Street
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: John
9AM It's Monday, All Day
Co-worker: God, I'm horny. I shouldn't have worn these tennis shoes.
610 Gateway Drive
North Sioux City, South Dakota
5PM Don't Ask Him Why His Cell is Off
User: If you don't turn my cell phone back on today, I'll tell the families of my patients and their lawyers that you are responsible for the patient's death, because I couldn't be reached!
Call center operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician...
310 W. Bakerview Road
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Josh Sinnett
2PM Either That or He's Dutch
Cube dweller #1, complaining about printer repair guy: No one can understand what he's saying! He's completely tone deaf!
Cube dweller #2: Well, he's... deaf. He reads lips.
Cube dweller #1: Oh, yeah.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: this isn't american idol
9AM God, I Hate Snobs
Co-Worker on phone: I do not want to poop in my pants!...I'm way too fucking classy for that.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
2PM The Insult-Comic Dog?
Chipper corporate trainer: You put an extra '-umph' at the end of 'tri-', and what do you get? Triumph!
4635 East Elwood Street
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM Lt. Uhura: I Confess, I'm an Android
Idiot employee: No, man! I'm telling you, there were no black people in Star Trek! They weren't allowed to have jobs back then!
Monroe Street
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: book browser
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: ...True dat, dawg.
Worker #2: I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are white.
1400 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
8AM I Had An...uh...Lobotomy
These are all from the same coworker.
Overheard on phone: I am going to need you to help me because this is not information that is readily available in my...uh...brain.
In a meeting while it was snowing outside: This reminds me of growing up in New York...I mean...Vermont.
Another meeting: The last thing we want to do is provide an immediate response to an immediate question.
522 SW 5th
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Breanna Freeman
4PM We Couldn't Even Give Away the Faux Faux-Leather Ones
Make-up counter girl: ... And can I interest you in our free gift?
Customer: Sure! What is it?
Make-up girl: It's a real faux leather bag!
Department store, 34th Street
New York, New York
3PM Help Him, Obi-Wan Kenobi, You're His Only Hope
Lady coworker: I really need to rent the Star Wars movies and watch them again. I only remember, like, the old guy and the little robot thingy.
4505 Maryland Parkway
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Princess Leia
10AM Now Are You Ready to Order?
Waitress: I don't want any sauce touching me... Unless it's being licked off of me.
1027 West Horsetooth Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
10AM ... And Called Out of Work Lucid
Cashier to friend: One morning I woke up sober...
Clothing store
Houston Street
New York, New York
10AM Hello? My Daughter!
Employee #1: It's spelled S as in 'Shoenique...'
Employee #2: Huh?
Denver, Colorado
1PM A Reclining One
Female worker: Something about his office seemed very home-like. I think he had a couch in it.
Male worker: It was a lamp.
Hillcroft Street
Houston, Texas
4PM Blinded by the Lite Beer
Bearded employee: Man, I think I have beer on my glasses.
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Laughing Librarian
1PM What Have You Been Doing to Your Nose?
Sales guy: Does anyone else smell hot dogs and sauerkraut?
Sales chick: Ummm... There's doughnuts in the conference room.
Sales guy: I bet that's it!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Of Course, That's Just a Projection
Office peon: Dammit, I couldn't get this done... even if I did work.
Arizona
3PM Just Take It! What's He Going to Do, Tell You You're Shoplifting?
Customer: I'm looking for one of those things where I can plug it into my TV's video and plug like four video game systems into it and push a button to switch between them.
Employee: Yeah, I don't think we sell those.
Customer, picking up item: I'm looking for this.
Employee: Oh, we don't sell those.
Customer: You... don't... sell these?
Employee: No.
Customer: You're sure?
Employee: Yeah, we definitely don't sell those.
Customer: You don't sell these? This thing that I picked up off your rack with a price tag on it?
Employee: No. Circuit City might carry them, though.
Best Buy
Astoria, New York
1PM I Can Read Okay, but I Remember It Backward
Bimbo: I'm probably the most dyslexic you can get without actually being dyslexic.
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
Overheard by: non-dyslexic
3PM It's Wherever God Is at the Time
Office worker #1: Hey, here's a great trip -- 10 days in Italy and the Holy Land. Where's the Holy Land?
Office worker #2: Use your head. Where do you think the Holy Land is?
Office worker #1: Venice?
155 Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: One Who Knows
4PM This Whole Reproduction Thing Is a Mystery to Me
Male coworker in all-male meeting: I don't know where Jill* is. She is pregnant. Maybe she's palpitating.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Grammatically Stunned
3PM The Aunt Needed to Be Wormed after an Unfortunate Incident with a Tequila Bottle
Sales assistant #1: My dad came over this last weekend and wormed Annabelle for me.
Office manager: Why did your dad have to do it?
Sales assistant #2: Is this your aunt?
Office manager: Don't you just give her a pill?
Sales assistant #1: No, you put it up her... poo.
Sales assistant #2: Ummm...
Sales assistant #3: It's an animal, Ed*!
Sales assistant #1: My dad wormed Josie, too. He has to put the medicine up the dog's tushy.
Sales assistant #2: Ohhh, okay, I thought this was her aunt. I'm okay now.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Kevin Requested New Monitor--Follow Up
CSR: I just took a look at the survey and noticed that at the very beginning it says "this survey is design". Shouldn't that say
"designed"?
IT: Probably...I cut and pasted.
CSR: Can it be changed?
IT: No, I etched that survey directly into your screen. To change it we would have to buy you a new monitor.
1 Woodland Hill Drive
Babson Park, Massachusetts
8AM Don't Try This in the Other 49 States
Boss: Where's [Justin]?
Employee: He's up my ass...want to tickle his feet?
800 Livingston Avenue
North Brunswick, New Jersey
3PM Time Is Cheap in Indiana
Man at photo kiosk: I just finished sending my selections and edits through, and then it froze.
Worker: Hmm. Locked up. Happens a lot. All the info is gone, unfortunately.
Man: I spent 45 minutes here, doing this.
Worker: I'm sorry. Here's a $3-off coupon for next time.
Man: Three bucks for 45 minutes?
Worker's cell phone rings. He walks away.
Avon Target
Avon, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM Even More Painful Than It Sounds
Cube dweller #1: What is Gerald* doing?
Cube dweller #2: Re-routing the booter.
250 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
3PM Really? Baghdad?
Woman: Oh, I love that place!
Man: Wait, which place?
Woman: I don't know, whatever place you were just talking about.
Laurel Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
12PM Which Has Officially Been Changed to "Hey There Delilah"
Blonde peon: Oooh, this song is so pretty! I love it.
Male coworker: What, the 'Star-Spangled Banner'?
Blonde peon: No, the national anthem.
9055 East Mineral Circle
Centennial, Colorado
Overheard by: Aaron M Gomez
5PM But Let's Send the Troops in Anyway
Office monkey #1: I'm sure it'll be fine.
Office monkey #2: But what if it isn't?
Office monkey #3: Then it won't be.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Office monkey #4
4PM I Think I Have to Go Home Sick
Cube rat playing with promotional sticky ball: When I hold this ball too long my hand starts to smell.
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM But That's Not Important Right Now
Male peon: Oh, I love this song!
Lady peon: Really, what is it?
Male peon: Uh... Music...
178 Middle Street
Portland, Oregon
11AM Running Reports
Group leader: You filed the wrong report for this transaction.
Clerk: That's the way [Lisa] trained me to do it.
Group leader: Which proves idiotisms are contagious.
Clerk: Yeah, you're right... I mean no.... I mean, I don't like it when you make me have to think about what you say.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
1PM Looks Like I'm Having Abortion for Lunch
Employee #1: I wouldn't eat caviar. That's fish eggs!
Employee #2: I'd try it...after all, I eat chicken eggs.
Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?...Oh.
6525 N. Sheridan Road
Chicago, Illinois
12PM The Weather: The Ultimate in Banal Officespeak
Coworker #1: Weather said 50% chance of rain.
Coworker #2: Psh! Yeah, right!
Coworker #3: But...it did rain.
Coworker #2: Yeah, a little. Like maybe fifty raindrops, but sure as hell no fifty percent.
9482 Ajax Road
McGregor Range, New Mexico
8AM "Good question! Let's call and find out...hold on, I'm getting a call."
Bossman: I think I'm going to switch my cell phone company. It looks like I can save some money with AT&T. I just want to make sure I can keep my number.
Co-worker: What if someone using AT&T already has the same number?
4156 Freedom Way
Weirton, West Virginia
11AM He Answers to Both -- Don't Sweat It
Agent: We used to play this drinking game when I was twnety. They still have it now. What was that called? President? Mr. President? Oh, yeah! 'Asshole'!
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Just the Receptionist
1PM Why 'American Government Conspiracy' Will Always Be an Oxymoron
Intern #1: I will do all of your House bills if you get up and dance right now!
Intern #2: No.
Co-Worker: Why would you pay all of his house bills if he dances? That's like $100!
Intern #1: House, like House of Representatives!
Co-Worker: We have access to the legislature's power bills?
Political Office
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jason B.
10AM If It Doesn't Offend Someone's Religion, It's Not Worth Doing
Male employee: And the worst thing is that we're not allowed to do anything to stop another attack. No profiling so we don't offend someone's religion. To hell with that!
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
2PM Wow, Looking Great! You've Lost a Lot of Static!
Employee, talking to a customer on the phone: It's great to hear a friendly face!
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kyle Ahrens
3PM Coffee Break
Payroll: Have you been outside today? It's getting really warm!
Employee: Yes, I magically teleported here this morning without ever stepping outside.
22342 Avenida Empresa
Rancho Santa Margarita, California
12PM Order Pocket Dictionaries
Employee #1: How do you spell "who"?
Employee #2: How do you think it should be spelled? Sound it out.
Employee #1: H-O-W?
Employee #2: Does that sound right to you? Aren't you like, 30 years old? And you can't spell "who"?
Employee #1: You're the one who told me to sound it out, bitch.
1818 Hillside Avenue
New Hyde Park, New York
Overheard by: Cathie
12PM Making an Idiot Feel Stupid: Priceless
Coworker #1: I paid $700 for it back in the mid-seventies.
Coworker #2: Wow...what was $700 worth back then?
Coworker #1: $700.
1932 Wynnton Road
Columbus, Georgia
2PM The Statute of Limitations Has Expired
Truck driver: Back in the old days, Larry* used to take bribes, Larry used to give bribes, Larry ran the company the way it should be run!
Dispatcher: Do you know what you just said?
Truck driver: I know what I just said!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: extracaffeinated
12PM Something Wrong with Your Lap, Buddy?
Old sales associate: Can I help you find something?
Customer: Yeah, where are the TV trays?
Old sales associate: Huh?
Customer: TV trays -- which aisle are they in?
Old sales associate: I don't know what those are.
Customer: The trays you have in front of you while you watch TV. You know, TV trays. People eat on them.
Old sales associate: I don't think we sell those, but you might want to check Electronics.
Customer: Uh, sure.
Omaha, Nebraska
5PM Don't Try -- Just Say "I'm Sorry" and Shake Hands
Associate: I have a hard time crying over dead children.
910 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: The Man
12PM Get Your Tail Out of My Coffee!
Cube rat: You know, every time I eat something tiny like a nut or a seed I feel like a monkey.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: mego
11AM None of Us Are, Kid -- We're All Just Fakin' It
Newbie: I told you, I'm not brave enough to be a real waitress!
US-285
Conifer, Colorado
12PM Like "Chubby" and "Spanky" Were Any Better?
Employee #1, reading newspaper: This guy's name is Poon Tang! I can't believe they printed his name!
Employee #2: Isn't Poon Tang something they said on The Little Rascals?
Knoxville, Tennessee
9AM Tell Me How You Know That
Older receptionist: I can't believe they're making such a big fuss over Tom Brady's baby. I mean, you know he's going to be a great dad. He'll pay for everything. That kid is going to be very well-endowed.
Secretary: Uh... Right...
200 Clarendon Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: secretariat
3PM According to Our Employee Evaluations
Lady worker leaving meeting: You guys just aren't as skilled as I am in the Porn Names Department.
McDonald's Drive
Oakbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: Brett C
12PM Only an Atomic Wedgie Can Save Me!
Shocked security guard: You gave it to me?! You gave me the cooties!
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
10AM 16 Years Old Is Legally Too Young to Consent to Dill
Woman to boss: You should absolutely take your daughter to see To Kill a Mockingbird. Unless, of course, you're worried about rape.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM The Big Hand Is on the Dumbass
Co-Worker #1: Are you going to the training class later today?
Co-Worker #2: No, I don't have to. I was grandfather clocked into the old training.
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
11AM If Hillary Clinton Is Elected President, He'll Get Another Chance
Hydrologist: I wanted to be a flying monkey when I was little. I was like, 'What do I have to do to be one of those?!'
700 West Capitol
Little Rock, Arkansas
5PM And There's Nothing I Enjoy More Than Being Taken from Behind
Male worker to female lunch companion: See, the good thing about you is that you can really pack it in. I mean, most girls can't do that.
12th and G Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: i like to eat too
1PM My Fainting Couch Won't Be Delivered Until Tomorrow
Employee: Why are you eating?
Hungry guy: Because it's Tuesday.
8531 E Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington
1PM With the Bloody Daggers and Vests of Human Hair?
Attorney: Can we file this psychopathically?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Legal Cube-Dweller
1PM Travel Agent: You Would Not Believe What I Am Soaking This Chick For
Fat nurse: I'm real excited! I'm going to the Mexican Riviera next month.
Lanky nurse: Uh, isn't it called the French Riviera?
Fat nurse: No, I think it's Mexican, but you could be right -- that sounds familiar.
Lanky nurse: I've always wanted to see the French Riviera.
Fat nurse: Yeah, me too. I can't wait.
1st Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: dr mike
1PM Call on Line One
Receptionist: [Jake] from Queer Image is on line one for you.
Coworker: [Jake] from where?
Receptionist: Queer Image.
Coworker: Queer Image?
Receptionist: Uh-huh.
Coworker, giggling, picks up call: [Jake], what company did you say you were calling from? Ohhhhh, CLEAR Image.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: She cracks me up, and she's not even trying
11AM Tech Support
Dinosaur: I hate this hourglass.
IT: The hourglass at your cursor?
Dinosaur: Yes, can you remove it?
IT: Why?
Dinosaur: It slows my computer down.
7071 University Boulevard
Winter Park, Florida
10AM Board Meeting
President: You really need to stop asking so many questions and start figuring things out for yourself, especially when you are out producing jobs.
Worker: You're right, I realize that. I'm trying harder.
President: And about this job you worked Saturday night; did you know what you were doing there?
Worker: To be honest, I wasn't sure on some things.
President: Well, did you ask anyone what your role was supposed to be? If you don't know something you really need to start asking questions. People are here to help you.
200 West 57th Street
New York, NY
4PM For One, Being Canadian Never Helps Anything
Employee #1: Dude, every time we have to do heavy lifting you start drinking and then everybody sees you drinking and they want to start drinking. You need to stop drinking before the work is done.
Employee #2: I understand that you don't like me drinking before the work is done, but i dont know what the answer to this problem is.
3553 31 Street NW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
12PM Why Do You Need To Know?
Sales guy: You know how people talk about the world-wide web? The Internet? How would you spell that? W-E-B?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Dear World, I'm Killing Myself at This Time to Inconvenience Cousin Bob
Co-Worker: My cousin died in a car accident yesterday.
Boss: Oh, I'm sorry.
Co-Worker: Yeah. The funeral is Saturday in St. Louis.
Boss: Will you be going?
Co-Worker: Oh no! That's not enough time for me to get everything around and make it down there! I mean, maybe if they had given me a week's notice...
Olentangy River Road
Columbus, Ohio
9AM And the Surgical Interventions
Client: I can't wait to get back to my car!
Hair stylist #1: Why your car?
Client: So I can take my bra off!
Hair stylist #2: Girl, my boobs will never sag, 'cause I'm a hairdresser!
Hair stylist #1: Huh?
Hair stylist #2: It's all the blow drying!
West End
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: wondering if my boobs will sag
5PM Don't Get Out Much?
Employee on phone: How's the weather there? Is it sunny?
Speaker: It's raining.
Employee on phone: Oh. So is the sun shining?
Des Moines, Iowa
10AM Nick Lachey Was in the Bee Gees
40-ish supervisor: You're listening to the Bee Gees? Wasn't Leif Garrett in the Bee Gees?
20-ish employee #1: All I know is that someone in the group committed suicide.
20-ish employee #2: No, Leif Garrett was in the Beatles.
1241 Dyer Road
Santa Ana, California
11AM You've Got Your Problems, I've Got Mine
Sales rep: Can you tell me why we have been behind on the uploading lately?
Tech girl: Yeah, that's because we don't have enough manhood right now.
El Monte, California
Overheard by: Cooly
4PM Of Course You Do
CSR: What time is it?
Manager: Look at your computer. See those numbers in the lower left-hand corner? That's the time.
CSR: Oh. Well, what I need to know is, what time is it in Guam?
3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: George
4PM How Leo's Pants Got Pulled over His Eyes Remains Something of a Mystery
Union worker: Listen... Listen to me. You can't fool me. I am my father's son. You can't pull the shirt over my eyes. You do what you gotta do.
309 West 49th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: fredshah
5PM President Bush Defines "Democracy"
Office grunt on phone: I absolutely agree... with myself!
1 Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
12AM Welcome to the '90s
Employee #1: I always thought it was pronounced "fass-mile". What is it?
Employee #2: Facsimile. It's a fax.
Employee #1: Oh, I've never heard it called that before.
50 Oak Court
Danville, California
4PM Why Marijuana Home-Delivery Services So Often Fail
CSR: So, what city in Philadelphia are we doing the pickup?
Everett, Massachusetts
Overheard by: OK, I feel smarter now.
2PM After That, I Wore It all the Time, So It Wasn't Really a Costume
Male peon: I was a pink My Little Pony for Halloween once.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM So Other Than That, Things Are Good?
Counter guy on phone: Where are you? What is that sound? ... Oh! I knew it was a tornado!
Connecticut
12PM Faced with an Employee Like This, Voicemail May Be Your Best Option
Worker bee: I don't have his cell phone, but he's always at his desk... Except when he isn't.
4339 Corporate Center Drive
Las Vegas, Nevada
10AM How'd You Like to Feel the Outline of It in Your Pants When You're Bent Over Your Desk?
Newly-hired girl: So, Harry*, sometimes I can see the outline of your penis in your pants when you walk by my desk.
7201 Metro Boulevard
Minneapolis, Minnesota
3PM Smoke Break
Employee: Would it be better to buy life insurance while I'm still alive?
4740 44th Avenue SW
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Lisa Marshall
10AM Apply Them Liberally to the Monitor
Worker #1: You know how you have stamps that say "faxed?"
Worker #2: Yeah.
Worker #1: Do you have one that says "E-mailed?"
420 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Actually, They All Lived Together...
Employee: The first time it was with my friend-- no, wait, my ex-friend. Then the second time it was with my boyfriend. Then I went over to my other boyfriend's house...
Fast food joint
Durham, North Carolina
12PM The Kind That Doesn't Ignore the Data
Analyst reviewing error report: Working this report requires critical thinking skills.
Department head: What kind of critical thinking skills?
701 Park Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM But Apparently It Was the Best Frat Party of the Year
Worker bee: I was asleep! I don't want to know how they were wiggling things around in my body!
333 South Street
Shrewsbury, Massachusetts
12PM They're Considering Sacking Us
Peon: I can't believe they're having us do this even though we're the low men on the scrotum pole!
Times Square
New York, New York
12PM Translation: I Don't Want to Understand Computers
Tech guy: The mouse won't work if it's off.
Coworker: You said reboot! I thought that meant to turn the computer off. I don't understand computers.
Midtown
New York, New York
2PM Other Than a List of Unmarried Employees in Bullet-Point Format?
Peon: Will there be an agenda at the holiday party?
42 Broadway
New York, New York
10PM Then How About a Calzone?
Woman on phone: It's like asking a rocket scientist to make a pizza--I just can't do it!
707 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Ilya
1PM I May Have Failed to Grasp Your Point
Office grunt: Well, you know what they say -- when the lion king roars, the cows go running.
Garey Avenue
Pomona, California
2PM Aren't You Worried about Flooding?
Job interviewer: So, when exactly are you moving here?
Job interviewee: As soon as we find a place to live. We're looking for an apartment or a condom.
602 West University Avenue
Urbana, Illinois
2PM Meditation Conference
Paralegal #1: It's funny when I enter a label for what type of event the attorney is doing, one of them says "Meditation". Who would meditate in the conference room?
Paralegal #2: Are you sure it doesn't say "Mediation"?
Paralegal #1: Oh yeah, I guess that would make more sense in a law firm, huh?
7700 Old Georgetown Road
Bethesda, Maryland
4PM I Stand by My Earlier Assessment
Employee #1: Who's that new blonde girl that works here?
Employee #2: Which new blonde girl? That doesn't narrow it down.
Employee #1: You know, the... the slow one. She sounds kind of retarded when she talks.
Employee #2: Kelly*? She's not retarded, you jerk -- she's from Sweden. English isn't her first language.
Boston Post Road
Sudbury, Massachusetts
Overheard by: slurific
10AM Well, I Still Miss Serious Newscasters
Peon #1: He's into that pooping and farting stuff now.
Peon #2: Who isn't?!
St. Louis, Missouri
2PM So How Many Can I Put You Down For?
Coworker to customer: That's what nipple rings are for.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Smoke Break
Employee: Everytime I open my mouth, I put my tongue in it.
35 C Street
Ephrata, Washington
Overheard by: Lost in Space
2PM Diversity Initiative
African-American co-worker: So, maybe you can help me out with this, are Italians black or Latino?
Italian-American co-worker: I'm white. Just white, man.
African American co-worker: Maybe you didn't understand the question.
4800 University Drive
Durham, North Carolina
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, why did you get a coffee this morning? We're getting free Starbucks coffee today, remember?
Co-worker #2: Oh, this isn't a coffee. It's a latte.
90 Shawmut Road
Canton, Massachusetts
11AM File Report
User: My computer won't turn on.
Tech: The tower is missing. How do you expect to use a computer someone stole?
User: Well, they left the keyboard, mouse and monitor. Is that something?
498 7th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Oh, so you are talking apples and oranges?
Employee #2: No, I am talking about two different things.
701 Park Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM Is That the Code of the West?
Coworker: All the hot guys kill people! Well, at least the black ones.
Pecos and Sunset Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
12PM As Long As They Keep Kicking Out Quality Electronics
Coworker: Hey, Paul*, my daughter just learned to say 'Thank you' in Chinese.
Paul: That's great. Sounds like a smart kid.
Coworker: Yeah! I think I'm gonna tell Amy*.
Paul: Amy's Korean
Coworker: Isn't it the same thing?
1234 Brookdale Drive
Glendale Heights, Illinois
12PM By Whom?
Lady peon on phone: I don't know... That whole Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is overrated.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM To Summarize Our 86-Page Status Report
Earnest cube rat: If it's ready on time, it will be ready. But if it's not ready on time, then it won't be ready.
14455 North Hayden Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cubey McCuberton
9AM You're the Only One Who's Ever Noticed
Office peon: You smell like a giant fruit fly!
Fishers, Indiana
9AM At the Revisionist Bible Thumpers of America Meeting
Maintenance guy: It says you shouldn't sleep with your dog... or your brother.
Route 447
Canadensis, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Mistro
1PM Lunch
Assistant #1: So you are Jewish, right? That means you have to eat kosher food and not meat?
Assistant #2: Yes, I have to eat Kosher but I can still eat meat. I just choose to be vegetarian.
Assistant #1: That sucks you can't eat meat. I really love salmon.
69 Bloor Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Can I Go Home Sick Now?
Advising office applicant to interviewer: Yeah, advisors are worthless.
6001 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Brandy
9AM Pointless Self-Glorification?
Employee emerging from stockroom, singing: Tookie's in the house! Y'all already know what he's about!
Office supply store
New York, New York
Overheard by: NCS
5PM They Really Improve the Reception on the Beamed Instructions from the Spider Aliens from Dimension X
Secretary: You know, those wireless headsets have been a boon for the homeless.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: mmhmmm
4PM Dude, She Wants You to Ask Why -- Don't Do It
Female worker bee: Next time I make popcorn, I'm putting it in my pants.
Columbus Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Regardless, Could You Put Yours On?
Coworker: Wow, you have a totally different view of the world when you're wearing pants...
Boulder, Colorado
3PM It's When Stuff Starts Migrating From Salt Lake City That We Have a Problem
Person on phone: "My bad" is out in Salt Lake City? Really? I'm just laughing because my son says that all the time. Do you guys say, "snap," too?
401 North Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Listening In
9AM Back to Work
Cleanup worker: How many days have I been to work on time?
Supervisor: 136 days straight.
Cleanup worker: Gosh, I'm halfway to breaking my old record of 189.
613 Harrison Avenue
Panama City, Florida
2PM Forward FedEx to Kevin
Co-worker: Can you e-mail a hard copy of that file to me?
1420 5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
12PM Ship Packages
Sales Rep: Could you get me a UPS freight rate to send this to Annapolis, Maryland?
Secretary: ...That'll cost $35.
Sales Rep: That's not bad.
Secretary: I thought it would be more. Isn't Maryland, like, in another country?
Sales Rep: You're fucking kidding, right?
Secretary: No, Maryland is another country, isn't it?
Sales Rep: Unbelievable.
3525 Mitchell Road
Ceres, California
5PM It's 5 O'Clock; Do You Know Where Your Mind Is?
Employee #1: What time zone is Maine in?
Employee #2: It's in our time zone.
Employee #1: OK, so what time is it there right now?
645 Papermill Road
Newark, New Jersey
2PM Good to See the Propellor Beanie Making a Comeback
Office peon: So, that guy with the little hat on -- he's the president?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Kind of, But With...Not Sure Quite What the Word Is...
Co-Worker #1: Is that ice coffee?
Co-Worker #2: Yeah.
Co-Worker #1: Does it really taste like coffee?
57th and Lexington
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kimberly A.
11AM Interior Design
Suit #1: Dude, you should have a sex room in your new place!
Suit #2: I do. It's my bedroom.
Suit #1: No, I mean one room that is just wall-to-wall matresses and shit.
45 Wall Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Trey Givens
11AM Reports Due
Co-worker: I was trying to fix the report, but it is unedible.
Boss: It doesn't taste good?
222 Severn Avenue
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Tits McGee
12PM Reserve Car
Coworker #1: Are these car rental coupons good in Hawaii?
Coworker #2: I dunno, it says it's good in the United States.
Coworker #1: Is Hawaii part of the United States?
Coworker #2: Hey, is Hawaii part of the United States?
Coworker #3: ...What? Are you serious?
Coworker #2: Yeah, you know, like is Canada part of the US?
Coworker #3: Canada is a completely different country.
Coworker #2: I asked you about Hawaii you fool!
120 Providence Road
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
9AM She's So Lucky
Accounting Clerk on phone: I'm sorry, she no longer works here. Could I take a message?
3850 Three Mile Lane
McMinnville, Oregon
2PM Order Phone, Anger Management Class
Employee: Damn it! I broke my speaker phone. I've punched it hundreds of times before and it hasn't broken...
6300 Diagonal Highway
Boulder, Colorado
8AM There's No "I" in Team, But There's Two in Idiot
401k advisor: How nice to see you! How's your daughter doing? Is she back in Iran?
Co-worker: What?
401k advisor: Isn't she in Iran? Or...Iraq?
Co-worker: She is in Israel in the army.
401k advisor: Oh, sorry, I get all those "I" places mixed up.
2300 E. Prospect Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
12PM Unique (adj.): Unlike Anyone or Anything Else
Sales guy: We're going to go around the room and name unique things about [the company]. If you can't think of one when it's your turn, you have to sit down. The last person standing wins a gift card to Starbucks.
Drone #1: Trustworthy.
Drone #2: Resilient.
Drone #3: Global services.
Drone #4: Inspiring.
Drone #5: Focused.
Drone #6: Capabilities.
Drone #7: Multicultural.
Drone #8: People care.
Drone #9: Adaptability.
Drone #1: Secure.
Drone #2: Employer of choice.
Drone #3: Financial viability.
Drone #4: Responsive.
Drone #5: Integrity.
Drone #6: Straightforward.
Drone #7: Ambitious.
Drone #8: Expertise.
Drone #9: Innovative.
Drone #1: Reliable.
etc...
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
3PM "Janey's Got a Gun"?
Music industry worker: I want to hear that one pretty song about her dad dying.
150 5th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Why Mr. Ass's Employment Was Terminated During the Probationary Period
Boss: When will you be done with these?
Jackass: I dunno, all I have left is to finish.
Hudson, Wisconsin
10AM Who's One Beer Short of a Six-Pack
Bartender #1: How many beers are in a six-pack?
Bartender #2: I work with a fucking idiot.
Subiaco
Australia
Overheard by: I'm ordering wine
5PM Goodnight Moon
Co-worker #1: Why are you sitting there starring at your monitor while the computer is off?
Co-worker #2: Because I recieved a server message stating that it was going to install something on my computer and that I should save everything before 15 minutes are up because the system will shut down.
Co-worker #1: Did you save everything?
Co-worker #2: Yes.
Co-worker #1: Did the computer shut down by itself?
Co-worker #2: Yes.
Co-worker #1: So, why are you sitting there starring at the monitor while the computer is off?
Co-worker #2: I'm waiting for the computer to start back up.
Co-worker #1: Have you pressed the power button?
Co-worker #2: No.
1000 Jerry St. Pe' Highway
Pascagoula, Mississippi
4PM What Kind of Mushroom Omelette Was That?
Accountant: I don't know which color is green, but one color is green, and one color is white.
Office girl: What about red?
Accountant: I'm not so sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
11AM Baby, We Don't Need to Go Outside
Female employee to female supervisor: Do you want to go outside and get hot with me?
1200 Southwest Boulevard
Jefferson City, Missouri
12PM Schedule Flights for Conference
Employee #1: Where's she going, Georgia or Atlanta?
Employee #2: Atlanta. Well, a suburb of Atlanta
Employee #1: Wait, why she said she's going to Georgia?
Employee #2: She's going to Atlanta.
Employee #1: What's that, like the capital? I thought Georgia was the
capital?
Employee #2: No, Atlanta, it's like New York City
Employee #1: I always get those two confused.
Employee #2: She's going to Atlanta. Hotlanta. Well, Decatur. It's a
suburb.
Employee #1: So why did she say she was going to Georgia?
636 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: Dan Alcalde
12PM Follow Up with Building Maintenance
Employee #1: Why is it so cold in here?
Employee #2: Maybe it's the gigantic hole in the ceiling.
4770 Buford Highway
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM Just So Long as You Don't Throw a Surprise Party
Co-worker: How much are you supposed to give when someone's mom dies? Because all I have is a five.
300 N. Commons Boulevard
Mayfield, Ohio
7PM Plenty of Space in That Hollow Skull
Boss: What about those materials needing to be sent out to our components?
Co-worker: Oh, I threw them in a box and shoved it under my chair. They were taking up too much room on my desk.
5205 Leesburg Pike
Falls Church, Virginia
12AM Conscientiousness Means Attention to Detail
Manager: Marcy, have you seen the trucking report for last month?
Marcy: No.
Manager: What do you mean you haven't seen it? It was on your desk.
Marcy: Well, I think I almost saw it...
1000 River Road
Essex Junction, Vermont
5PM Jeez, They're Not Lawnmowers, Okay?
Coworker: Maybe when my first cat dies from misuse...
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
1PM He Brought the Pepperoni, Though. (Bow Chicka Bow Bow)
Voice on intercom: Would the person who ordered a pizza please come up front to pay for it? What? Oh! Cancel the last announcement. It is the Fed Ex guy not the pizza guy.
57060 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
3PM Smoke Break
Employee #1: There's a fire in the kitchen!
Employee #2: Should we call the fire department or pull the alarm or something?
Employee #3: No, because they'll make us evacuate.
259 Prospect Plains Road
Cranbury, New Jersey
12PM Staff Meeting
Employee #1: Can you print the report for the meeting?
Employee #2: Should I print a copy for everyone who will be there?
Employee #1: No, one should be fine; all 15 of them can crowd around and look at it together.
2240 North 1st Street
San Jose, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: [Steph], I never believed the stereotype about blonde women until I met you.
[Steph]: Thanks!
1000 Jerry St. Pe' Highway
Pascagoula, Mississippi
10AM Look Into Hiring Smart Gorillas
Co-worker #1: How do you spell "pseudo"?
Co-worker #2: S-U--
Co-worker #1: That doesn't seem right. Is there an H?
270 Sylvan Avenue
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
11AM Outlook Training
Secretary: What does it do when it archeeves my email?
Boss: Are you serious?
Secretary: I mean, where does it go after it's done archeeving?
Boss: Oh god.
5353 McCurry Road
Roscoe, Illinois
12AM Not For Damn Sure You Isn't
Coworker: I'm not gonna be no teacher.
1225 Warren Street
St. Louis, Missouri
10AM Yes, I Was Hoping You Might Be Able to Give Me Some AIDS
Associate: Thank you for calling the Houston gonorrhea. Can I help you?
Houston, Texas
9AM Back to Inanity
Employee: Hey, it's The Bobster! I was just out--
Bob: Seriously, why did you just add "the" and "ster" to my name?
27450 Ynez Road
Temecula, California
Overheard by: Jake Glazier
4PM Has Someone Alerted 60 Minutes?
Genius: Sometimes the staples are just hanging there, and someone could get hurt.
68 Marginal Way
Portland, Maine
4PM Happy World Water Day!
Coworker #1: What's with the Google logo today?
Coworker #2: It's probably supposed to be symbolic of Terry Schiavo dehydrating or something.
1001 W. Cypress Creek Road
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
11AM Get New Budgets
Boss: Do you receive that on paper or Excel spreadsheet?
Employee: I receive it on electronical format.
285 Primrose Lane
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Sam
3PM You're the Scaliest, Stinkiest Boss I've Ever Had
Executive assistant: I think I touch and smell just about everything.
141 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Another Assistant
10AM Impossible? Cockatoos Taught Mary Hart to Talk
Woman on phone: Raised by dogs?! That's impossible! Isn't it? ... Wait, was it Entertainment Tonight? ... That's impossible!
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Goueznou
3PM Snack Time
Male employee: I was sitting at my desk and I was thinking "There's something missing." And I was like, "Oh yeah! Nuts in my mouth."
1111 Lockheed Martin Way
Sunnyvale, California
10AM Clean Up Cube
Agent: Wow, I sure do have a lot of shit in my drawers!
5512 - 4th Street NW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
10AM Excel Class
Accounting: I mean, I know how to use Excel. Just not for spreadsheets and stuff.
525 Rudder Road
Fenton, Missouri
12AM "I'd look it up, but I'm too lazy."
Co-worker #1: So they made me change my password. The old one was really cool. "Sloth," you know, like the animal.
Co-worker #2: There's no such animal as a sloth. I think sloth is supposed to be like a sin or something.
1697 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM IT Visit
IT guy sneezes several times.
IT guy: I think I'm allergic to the flowers on this screen.
Nearby blonde: Really? You can change the screen saver if you want.
Paddington Street, Paddington
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Jane Kenny
12PM Conference (Cont'd)
Manager: Okay everyone, here are some ways you can spot a shoplifter--
Associate: Just look for someone that looks like a Gypsy.
Manager: That's really not appropriate.
Associate: I'm telling you, they're all over Italy!
3200 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Cathie
1PM Lunch
New hire: Lord, I am not drinking any of this company's water. There are entirely too many pregnant people here.
9106 E. Panorama Circle
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Homer Thompson
10AM 'Fuck You' Was More of a Request Than an Expletive
Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You're fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn't clocked in. You can't fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, 'You're fired,' and then clocks him out.
Employee: That's so unfair.
Circle Centre Mall
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM If the Goal Is to Go Home at Five, Then You're on the Right Track
Employee: Someone just called me. They said, "Hello," and asked if I could help them because they had a question. I didn't know what to do, so I said, "No," and hung up. Was that okay?
Boss: I guess that's one way of handling it.
US Patent and Trademark Office
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Why Me?
5PM Finally, the Weekend
Secretary: [Helen]'s not here. She must be someplace else.
12555 Euclid Street
Garden Grove, California
7PM Then There's the Whole Conversion from Metric
Salesperson: How long does it take to get to London from here?
Purchasing Agent: Well, I'm not sure, but coming back is faster because it's opposite the direction of the rotation of the Earth.
1506 Detweiller Drive
Peoria, Illinois
12PM 10877 Watson Road's Greatest Hits, Vol. II
Co-worker: If saliva was poison, she'd be a snake, right?
Man: Is that really your inbox, or is it some kind of joke?
Man: I'll go punch a bunch of buttons. If that doesn't work, I'll unplug it.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
4PM There's No "Me" in Team...
Man: Either come with me or we'll go together.
140 Canal View
Rochester, New York
12AM "...and by 'Apaches' I mean 'Goy attorneys'."
Lawyer: I'm going to court. Hold down the fort, Ben.
Ben: OK, you got it.
Lawyer: Don't let those Apaches in!
50 East 42nd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: marco
9AM Hey, I've Got Some Straw in the Corner of My Office. Want to Watch it Turn Into Worms?
Co-Worker #1: Do you have to dust your desk all the time with your window shade open?
Co-Worker #2: No, why?
Co-Worker #1: Because of all the sun.
Co-Worker #2: Huh?
Co-Worker #1: Dust comes from sunlight.
4725 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM Employee Review
Coworker: Hey, I may be dumb but I'm not stupid!
1400 AF Street
Washington, DC
11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Developer: So we need to get those trees down before the rafters come back.
Underling: "Rafters"?
Developer: R-a-f-t-e-r-s. You know, like a hawk? They're gonna nest in the trees if we don't cut 'em down first.
Underling: Right. Raptors.
855 Capitolio Way
San Luis Obispo, California
3PM Bathroom Break
Worker #1: I think there must be something wrong with this phone.
Worker #2: Why?
Worker #1: Every day I check it here and it always goes out at the same time and I can't get a signal
Worker #2: Do you always use it in the bathroom?
Worker #1: Yeah, I don't understand why every day at the same it doesn't work.
Worker #2: Why don't you take it outside?
He goes outside the bathroom for a couple of minutes and comes back in.
Worker #1: See? I come back in and it's not working.
Boss in stall: You're surrounded by two feet of concrete in every direction! The signal can't penetrate!
2011 Mahone Avenue
Fort Lee Virginia
Overheard by: badford
12PM Weekly Meeting
Boss: So why did they start having this weekly meeting anyway?
Co-worker: It started out with all of us sitting around eating pizza, talking casually; you know, just shooting the fan.
525 East 68th Street
New york, NY
6AM It's Cheaper and Healthier Than Starbucks
Model employee: The earlier I wake up, the more crack I smoke on the way to work.
3100 W. Lake Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Samesque
11AM Project Management
Guy: Should I put it in the folder?
Girl: Wait, I'm not sure. Should I take it out of the folder?
Guy: Um, maybe I should just put it in the folder.
Girl: No, I should take it out of the folder...
Guy: But, what if we need it in the folder?
127 Marina Drive
La Crosse, Wisconsin
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: My nickname at work is Blondie. For some reason, everywhere I work my nickname ends up being Blondie. And I don't even tell them that was my nickname before!
193 Maple Avenue
North Plainfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Megan
2PM Collate Receipts
Boss: Find anything interesting?
Employee: Yeah. Mexicans are bad tippers...Sorry, that was racist. Spanish people are bad tippers.
1100 Vermont Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: adrone
3PM Court
Bailiff: Okay, I think we need a Jewish interpreter over here! What did you say? Hay broo? Okay, whatever.
141 Livingston Street
Brooklyn, New York
1PM Especially If You Go On the Rides
Colleague: We went on a day trip to Auschwitz but it's not a very happy place.
15-19 Bloomsbury Way
London, England
3PM Fortunately Someone Else Overheard It
Woman: I have never heard such idiotness in my life. I've never heard it.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY
12AM ...where they'd don't have temperature.
Office dweller: This office is sweltering. The thermometer says it's 82 degrees in here.
Building heating/AC "expert": I don't trust thermometers. Them things are made in third world countries.
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Unions: Your Guarantee of Quality
A maintenance guy hangs up a picture and tells his assistant: That should stay up till it falls down.
3301 Gun Club Road
West Palm Beach, Florida
1PM Is This Problem Self-Inflicted? Discuss.
Office mate on speakerphone: I need to send my printer back. It isn't working.
CSR for printer company: Okay, I can set up a return shipment and get you a label and address to send yours back. What is your e-mail address, sir? [He relates e-mail address.] Okay, when you get the link on the e-mail I just sent you, print the FedEx label and put it on the box to ship it.
Office mate: Um, well, my printer is broken, which is why I am sending it back...
CSR: I understand that, sir, so what I have done to speed up the process is send you a shipping label all prepared for you to ship the box out.
Office mate: How am I supposed to do that if my printer is broken?!
CSR: Well, you print it up and put it on the box.
Office mate: Okay, when we are done with this, I would like to order an instructional DVD on how to setup my DVD player.
CSR: I'm not following you, sir. I thought your problem was with your printer. We don't have DVD players.
Office mate: Dude, you're killing me! Can I speak to a supervisor, please?
34th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Zoos
10AM And Then Stuff Comes Out on the Other End
Worker explaining new fax machine: Stand there and just stick it in. Bottom up.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
3PM They Stopped Doing the Circular Because of the Weird Envelopes
Customer: Do you have a circular for this week?
Cashier: Uh, no. We don't have those.
Customer: You don't have a flyer advertising your weekly specials?
Cashier: Oh, you mean this?
Customer: Yeah! The circular. What I said.
Cashier: Ma'am, this is not a circular. This is a rectangle.
Target
Waldorf, Maryland
Overheard by: SeeNoSpeakNo
2PM Review Resumes
Co-worker: He could do that job with one eye shut and one eye tied behind his back.
Rubislaw House
Anderson Drive
Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire
UK
11AM Restock Supply Closet
Employee #1: Where is my pen? Someone stole it...
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: My pen is gone.
Employee #2: Check your ass.
Employee #1: There it is, in my hair.
Employee #2: Like I said...
909 Fannin Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Helecia Helton
2PM Marketing Meeting
Co-worker: Take two individuals, like me.
Rubislaw House
Anderson Drive
Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire
UK
4PM Research PDAs
Co-worker #1: If I sent the e-mail to [Duncan]'s BlueBerry, would he be able to open the attachment?
Co-worker #2: What's a BlueBerry?
Co-worker #1: You know, a PDA. Everyone up there has them.
Co-worker #2: I thought those were BlackBerrys?
Co-worker #1: No, they are blue, the black ones are last seasons's model. Look it up.
100 North 6th Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jay
3PM Take Bill for a Walk
Co-worker #1: Oh my god, he's peeing under my desk.
Co-worker #2: Oh! Sorry.
Co-worker #1: Where's the tissue? Paper towels or something? He's leaking, take him outside. I'm serious.
Co-worker #2: Don't freak out!
Co-worker #1: I'm not mad, I'm just grossed out.
12345 World Trade Drive
San Diego, California
1PM Lunch Hour
Patron: Can you please tell me where I can find post-modern American fiction?
Librarian: Post-modern? That would be in the future, there's no such thing.
Patron: Uh, okay. Can you tell me where science fiction is?
100 S. Potomac Street
Hagerstown, Maryland
Overheard by: Vince Valenzuela
12AM Someone is in the Wrong Industry
Co-worker: Dude...don't you hate it when like clients are dicks and stuff?
51 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: J-Mo
12AM Let Me Guess: HR Dept.?
Girl searching through office freezer: Hey, I love cold pizza...wait a minute, this isn't cold, this is frozen!
3701 S. Lindbergh Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Brian Muench
5PM Off to the Dentist
Dental Assistant: Whatever you do, don't lick your tongue.
710 NW Juniper St.
Issaquah, Washington
Overheard by: Margaret
2PM Department Meeting
Employee #1: ...but you don't have to listen to me. I'm not the boss or anything; I'm just the only one here who knows how to do anything.
Employee #2: And the difference is?
700 West Highland Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
12AM Branding: the Product in One Pithy Phrase
Conference attendee: Ooh...red flashy reflector buttons. What do they do
Conference employee: Well, they flash and reflect.
Conference attendee: Well I'll take one. My son will love it. Does it have a name?
Conference employee: How about a red flashy reflector button?
500 E. Cesar Chavez Street
Austin, Texas
10AM By the Way, the Papillomas Are Lovely This Season
Customer: Hi, I'm looking for a climbing plant, but I'm not sure what it's called. It sounds like 'clem'-something, or 'clam'-something?
Employee: Right... Ah, 'chlamydia'?
Customer: Um... No, that's--
Employee, yelling over the crowd: Hey, Linda*, I have a customer looking for chlamydia. Do we have that?
Linda: That's a venereal disease -- she probably wants 'clematis.'
Employee: Hey, she left!
Farmstand on Route 2
Lincoln, Massachusetts
Overheard by: petunias for me, thanks
1PM Could You Be Any Less Supportive?
Blonde in scrubs: When people around me are sick and won't stay home I'm not coming to work.
Redhead in scrub: You are a nurse.
Blonde in scrubs: I hate having sick people around me.
Redhead in scrubs: You are a nurse.
Blonde in scrubs: If a person is sick they should stay at home.
Redhead in scrubs: This is a hospital.
1100 Marshall Street
Little Rock, Arkansas
5PM Good Point -- You Play It As It Lays
Man describing adoption of Chinese kid: .. And eventually you get a baby's photo and a medical history...
Hick female photographer: But let me ask you, what do you do if she's ugly?
Man: ... What did your parents do?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM Lunch
Employee: Oh, I've had their Mandarin Chicken Salad, but I didn't like it. Then again, I don't like Mandarins.
711 Third Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lolito
9AM Back to Work
Engineer: I'm against Google Earth! The terrorists are using it! And the communists!
700 West Capitol Avenue
Little Rock, Arkansas
9AM Back to Work
Secretary: Something's wrong with my computer. I think it's broken.
IT: Your monitor is off.
201 Forrester Drive
Greenville, South Carolina
3PM Cigarette Break
Data entry: It would suck to live in New Orleans, what with all the hurricanes that go there.
Boss: Where would you live?
Data entry: California for sure.
Boss: What about earthquakes?
777 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
7AM Why Anyone Would Speed To Work is Beyond Me
Co-worker #1: We should send out a memo about unsafe driving.
Boss: Was the unsafe driving on company property?
Co-worker #1: No.
Boss: Was the unsafe driving in a company vehicle?
Co-worker #1: No.
Co-worker #2: Then there's nothing the company can do about it. I mean, I speed to work all of the time.
3 Alcan Highway
Kitimat, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Nemisis
1PM Oh, It's a Rael Word Alright
Insurance rep: Were any citations issued?
Worker: Just one, for inattention.
Insurance rep: Inattention: that's not a word, is it?
Worker: Sure it is. It means they weren't paying attention.
Insurance rep: Oh, I know what it means, I just don't think it's a word.
3701 S. Lindbergh Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Brian Muench
11AM I Suggest You Glue Your Ass to Your Own Chair
Office drone #1: What's a funnier prank -- if I tape the the receiver to the boss's phone, or if I fix it so she can't open the drawer?
Office drone #2: Um, maybe you should... [looks pointedly at returning boss behind drone #1].
Office drone #1: I know! I'll glue her coffee mug to her desk. Bitch'll be spewing!
Boss, standing right behind drone #1: Bitch is behind you.
Harris Street
Pyrmont, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: get back to work!
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: My fiance and I are going to LA this weekend, and I'm trying to lose a pound or two before then so my friends don't think I'm pregnant.
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, California
6AM Diversity: Celebrating One Another's Differences
OB/Gyn receptionist: No, I swear, they all walk funny. All of 'em! I think it's because of the foot binding.
170 W. 12th Street
New York, NY
12AM When 80s Nostalgia Goes Horribly Awry
Coworker: Is that a copy of Ted Nugent's new book?
Boss: It is. He and his wife wrote it. Grill It and Kill It.
Coworker: Is that him on the cover? With his wife?
Boss: Yeah. She's hot, isn't she?
Coworker: She really is. Way to go, Nuge.
Boss: He must have started seeing her when he was in Damn Yankees. What was their song?
Coworker: "Can you take me high enough..."
Boss: Yeah. Those really were the days.
249 West 17th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Will Leitch
2PM This Is an Ex-Patient!
Receptionist: So we're going to need to reschedule his appointment, then?
Nurse: No, Mary*, this patient has passed away.
Receptionist: Okay, so then I'll call him in the morning?
Nurse: You don't understand. He's dead.
Receptionist: Well, Dr. Smith* has a slot open for Monday...
Nurse: He's dead.
Providence Hospital, 5th Street and Colby Avenue
Everett, Washington
10AM Unless, of Course, You Don't Own a Dog
English teacher: Nice shirt.
Manager: Tell me about it... It's laundry day.
Italian teacher: Oh god, I hate laundry day. I always run out of underwear and have to wear nothing under my skirt. I'm terrified that the dog will stick his face up my vagina... You know, literally.
Manager: Yeah, I don't think there is a way to mean that in a non-literal sense.
434 Peixoto Gomide
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: English Teacher #2
1PM Sorry, Hermaphroditic
Customer: What is the Happy Meal toy for boys this week?
Employee: Oh, no ma'am, we don't have boy or girl toys this week -- they are bisexual.
Customer: What?!
McDonald's
Santa Monica, California
12PM Project Assignments (Cont'd)
Employee: Next time, just use me! I'm a tool!
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
4PM It's a Mousepad Waiting to Happen
Co-worker: Ideally everything would be perfect.
9630 S. Norwalk Boulevard
Santa Fe Springs, California
Overheard by: Josh Bartel
11AM Everybody Knows It's "I-N-N-E-R-N-E-T"
Employee #1, looking at intranet option of business transactions menu: Hey, look! Heh. These morons spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Employee #2: No, they didn't.
Employee #1: Yes, they did. See?
Employee #2: No, an intranet is different than the Internet. It's sort of like a private version of the Internet for corporations and organizations.
Employee #1: Oh, seriously? Damn, look at you, making me feel all stupid and shit. I've never heard of that before in my life. I bet you're the only one here who knows that. Look, I'll prove it to you. [Calls boss over.] Look, they spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Boss: Oh, I know! Isn't it funny? Yeah, those morons at corporate can't spell!
Hackensack, New Jersey
3PM Pretty People Still Have to Stand Up
Female coworker: I wish I was disabled.
Male coworker: What? Why?
Female coworker: 'Cause then people would do things for you, like carry your stuff and get you things.
Male coworker: People do that for pretty people -- why don't you wish to be pretty?
910 Louisiana Avenue
Houston, Texas
5PM Millions and Millions Puzzled
Guy: I'll have a Number Three, and can I have a small chocolate shake?
Bimbette employee: No.
Guy: No, I can't have a shake?
Bimbette employee: Nope.
Guy: Are you saying no to the 'small,' the 'chocolate,' or the 'shake...'?
Bimbette employee: Both.
Guy: So, both of the three, huh?
Bimbette employee: Yes, but you can have vanilla.
Guy: I would love vanilla, thank you.
McDonald's, 53rd Street and 2nd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: brian
2PM The Long-Term Effects of Excessive Childhood Prank Calling
New legal secretary: Excuse me, is it Miss D. Meanor or Miss Demeanor?
Solicitor: You cannot be that stupid...
Plymouth
United Kingdom
12PM Clean Out Inbox
Employee #1: Shit!
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: I told you how I had eleven thousand spam messages in my other email address?
Employee #2: No, I didn't knew that.
Employee #1: So I did as [Filippo] said, I grabbed them from within Yahoo! mail, figuring out it would throw the spam away automatically.
Employee #2: Really.
Employee #1: Apparently it doesn't do that for another email account. Shit. Now I screwed my Yahoo! mail too. I can't believe it. I'll have to manually check eleven thousand messages as spam on this precious address. I am going to kill myself.
Employee #2: Wait, you have to read eleven thousand messages? Who send you that?
Translated from the Italian.
Viale Bianca Maria 6
Milan, Italy
2PM Websurf
Employee #1: Geez, I've actually been so busy today I haven't been able to check my Philly team sites.
Employee #2: It's tough to be busy one day out of 365.
Employee #1: It is exhausting.
Computer Science Building
University of Florida
Gainesville, Florida
9AM Back to Work
Salesperson: When do you need these parts? ASAP or as soon as possible?
630-2 Broadway Avenue
Holbrook, New York
10AM Oh, Wait! Was He That Guy in Bill and Ted?
History major associate: That little dude is such a jerk! He's got a major Napoleon complex going on.
Blonde assistant manager: Really? But he doesn't have a big nose or curly hair or glasses...
History major associate: What? Not Napoleon Dynamite! Napoleon Bonaparte!
Blonde assistant manager: Oh. I don't know then, I don't watch the news.
Overpriced soap store
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: she's our assistant manager
4PM Well, Great, Glad You're Right on Top of This
Blonde receptionist: Do you have any Krazy Glue?
Paralegal: I don't think so. Why?
Blonde receptionist: My tooth fell out.
Paralegal: I think you need to see a dentist.
Blonde receptionist: No, my teeth are always falling out and I just Krazy Glue them back in.
Paralegal: Krazy Glue? Maybe that's why you've been getting all those headaches...
Blonde receptionist: No, that's because I quit smoking back in February.
Law office
Great Neck, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
10AM Collect Surveys
Administrator: [Les], do you have any overdue surveys?
[Les]: No, I don't.
Administrator: You don't have any surveys due before the 26th?
[Les]: No, the only surveys I have were due on the 23rd and the 24th.
811 Russell Avenue
Gaithersburg, Maryland
12PM Restock Supplies
Employee: I have a problem and don't know what to do.
Manager: What is the problem?
Employee: The toliet paper is missing, and I don't know what to do.
1850 14th Avenue SE
Albany, Oregon
10AM But Possibly a Can of Soup
Cashier: Wow, you're pregnant!
Customer: Yep, that's what they tell me.
Cashier: Well, it looks like you're having a boy... or a girl. Definitely a boy or a girl.
Customer: Uh...
Grocery store
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Ryan
9AM Antie Maim
Employee #1, on ant infestation: I noticed there were a few just walking around by themselves on my desk.
Employee #2: Those are scouts! Kill them or they'll go back and tell the others the coast is clear, then you'll have a rope of them!
Employee #1: I know, so I tried breaking the legs on one of them hoping he'd go back and tell the others not to come, it's not safe, but all he did was walk around in circles on my desk, so I just smashed him.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Employee #3
5PM Why Barry Got the Freudian Pink-Slip
Peon: Uh, Jim*, do you have anywhere I can put a floppy dick? ... Uh... Disk?
Jim: Niiice.
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: defragment my hard-drive
4PM But It Feels So Right
Girl recording office voicemail: If you know the person you are wishing to enter... Shit, that's not right.
Jubilee Road
Muncy, Pennsylvania
3PM Printers Practice Malicious Compliance
PhD-level analyst: Oh, the copier is printing the whole five hundred pages of that report! I only want the first page! Stop, stop, stop! Why wont it stop?!
Temp: You have to actually press a button. It doesn't work on voice command...
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
12PM Well, Now You're Just Bragging
Defense attorney at deposition: ... And before the accident, about how many times per month were you intimate with your wife?
Plaintiff: Um, probably upper 20s.
Defense attorney, incredulous: Upper 20s?!
Plaintiff: Yeah. My wife is Latin.
9th Street
Sacramento, California
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: There were so many Jews in the concentration camps. Why didn't some of them join together and try and fight the Nazis?
195 Turbot Street
Brisbane, Queensland
Australia
9AM Back to the Office
Worker: It took me forever to get to work today. I don't mind the snow so much, but I wish it would only snow on the grass.
25101 Chagrin Boulevard
Beachwood, Ohio
10AM Gotta Meet That Deadline
Manager: Here you go.
Employee: Oh, thank goodness. This is what she's looking for...I'm so glad you found it. I would have had to redo it right now.
Manager: I found it on your desk.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM It's Not Like I Read Anything That Crosses My Desk
Lady peon: I can't believe I wrote 'Happy Birthday' on that card.
Coworker: You did? Did anyone fix it?
Lady peon: They're always passing around cards! How am I supposed to know it's a sympathy card?! Then I go asking when we're going to have cake!
Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Um, Didn't You Attempt Suicide Last Year?
Cashier #1: Hey man, I think I might be gay.
Cashier #2: What's wrong?
Cashier #1: I keep having fantasies about being with a man. What should I do?
Cashier #2: Jerk off. A lot. If you do it enough, it'll get the gay out. It worked for me.
HEB Austin 15, North Lamar
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Jeff
2PM Hang On...They're Like...Okay...They're About 20% Off...Just One Second...
Cashier, holding up a coupon: I'll just have to take off your panties.
Victoria's Secret, Green Tree Mall
Clarksville, Indiana
Overheard by: The next one in line
2PM Hers and Her Husband's
Waitress #1: My sister is in the hospital because she just had her second liver transplant.
Waitress #2: Oh my god! Both of them?!
Waitress #1: Both of whats?
Waitress #2: Both of her livers?!
Waitress #1, turning to manager guy: Do you want to tell her, or should I?
McHenry, Illinois
Overheard by: Thank God I'm Me
9AM Fool! The Customer Is Always Right!
Customer: Hello, Phyllis, how are you today?
Worker: I'm not Phyllis, I'm Kay.
Customer: Your name tag says Phyllis.
Worker: No, it doesn't. It says Kay, see? P-H-Y... oops!... wrong name tag.
Westmoreland Mall
Greensburg, Pennsylvania
11AM Solitaire Is a Conspiracy by the Black Man to Undermine White Productivity
Employee #1: Blacks, blacks everywhere! Stupid blacks! I can't do anything with them. They just take over.
Employee #2: Cletus*, quit playing solitaire and do some work.
Downtown
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: non-profit ninja
3PM Joseph K Had a Difficult First Day at Castle College
Student: Hi! I need to get a list of course requirements so I can fill out this form, please.
Receptionist: Okay, we'll just need a copy of the form first.
Student: But I need the requirements to fill out the form...
Receptionist: I'm sorry, we don't work in hypotheticals.
Student: Um... okay... What was it in the past?
Receptionist: We don't file them that way. We'll need a copy of the form.
Student: So you need this form filled out so you can give me the list that I need to fill out the form?
Receptionist: Yes!
Dunster Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
5PM So I Got This 'L' Tattooed on My Forehead
Guy: So it turned out my phone wasn't broken. It was just nobody wanted to call me.
Filton Road
Bristol, England
Overheard by: Rich
2PM Update Customer Database
Co-worker: If someone is from Puerto Rico, do you say that they're Mexican? Or Hispanic?
150 East 55th Street
New York, NY
5PM Now He Has to Be Mexican for a Year Before He Can Take It Again
Co-Worker: He was Canadian until he took the test.
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: Hanna
5PM I'll Bet the Fax Machine Will Be More Understanding
Speaker on fax machine: Listen, you freakin' idiot, this is the third time in five minutes you're tryin' to fax something to a phone number.
Employee in adjacent cubicle, two minutes later: Yeah, hi, this is the freakin' idiot... [loud squelching]... shit, now I dialed their fax number.
Georgesville Road
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: laughing in next cubicle
9AM It's Just Coming on the Market
Employee: This filter prevents more orgasms from getting into your drinking water than any other filter on the market!
Customer giggling: Uh-huh...
384 Placerville Drive
Placerville, California
5PM ... Where I Went to School
Man hanging up phone: Wow, that guy had a neat accent. He said he was from the United Kingdom.
Woman: United Kingdom? That's in Florida, right?
Man: No, I think that's the Magic Kingdom...
Woman: Oh, you're right! United Kingdom is in Kentucky.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Service Dispatcher
11AM Yeah, and Scrambling the Data. Nice Work!
Sales rep #1: Here's that spreadsheet. I hid the columns you didn't need so it would fit on one page.
Sales rep #2: How did you do that? I have been cutting and pasting all this time!
Sales rep #1: Cutting and pasting?
Sales rep #2, pulling out three pieces of paper, cut and taped together to make one big spreadsheet: See? I cut and pasted!
Virginia
Overheard by: What!?
10AM Answering Took a Calendar, a Highlighter and an Hour
Teen clerk: The TV commercial said it is a two-day sale. What day of the week is Twoday?
Adult clerk: Not 'Twoday,' but one day plus one day equals two days for the sale.
Teen clerk: Oh, okay... Then what two days of the week are called 'Twoday'?
5760 Highway 80 E
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM Why I Have No Pictures on My Desk
Lackey: So that's your wife, huh?
Suit: Yep.
Lackey: She's a grade-school teacher?
Suit: Yes.
Lackey: She looks like that one that had sex with her thirteen-year-old student.
275 West Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
2PM Server Update
Co-worker: Well, it's an intermittent problem that won't reoccur until it reoccurs.
333 North Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
2PM Allow Me to Demonstrate
Manager: What motivates you to do your best job possible?
Interviewee: Well, I don't do anything half-assed... Yeah, I like to put my whole ass into everything I do.
1158 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Kirsten
1PM I Repose That You're Right
Girl: So I told them to just go ahead and ship the extra reports to our suppository in -
Guy: -Wait, I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you say "ship the reports to the suppository"?
Girl: Yeah...
Guy: Um, it's "repository." Suppositories are pills that go in your ass.
Pause.
Girl: Fuck.
Route 1 South
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Emily
4PM Long John Silver Gets Easily Flustered During One-on-One Interviews
Interviewer: Do you have a middle initial?
Applicant: Nope. I got a whole middle name. John.
Attleboro, Massachusetts
12PM Same Old Story: Boy Meets Girl, Nobody Knows What to Do Next
Mechanic: You smell like sex.
Female coworker: You mean I smell like you want to have sex with me? Or I smell like I just had sex? 'Cause... 'Cause there's a big difference.
Mechanic: Oh, the first one. You smell like I want to have sex with you.
Female coworker: Oh. I want to have sex with you, too.
Mechanic: [Silence.]
Female coworker: ... I mean, you smell. [Walks away with confused look on her face.]
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: He did kind of smell ... like sex.
5PM We Don't Allow Any Outside Food or Textbooks in Our Establishment
Employee: Welcome to ABC Theaters*. What can I do for you today?
Collegiate: Do you have a student discount?
Employee: I'm sorry, sir, ABC does not believe in education.
299 Swannanoa River Road
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Got my GED
11AM The Figure '8'ish 'S' Squiggly Thing
Librarian: Jeans, brain and behavior?
Student: Uh, genes with a G.
Librarian: Like this? Gene's brain and behavior?
Student: There's no apostrophe.
Librarian: I'm not getting any results.
Student: Well, I'm pretty sure it's officially spelled with an ampersand.
Librarian: A what?
Addlestone Library
Charleston, South Carolina
11AM Who Wants to Work in a Dump Like This Anyway?
Manager: We're going to have to let you go.
Employee: I didn't do nothin'!
Manager: I personally caught you defecating into the employee bathroom sink.
Employee: The toilet was filthy!
95 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Budgeting Meeting
Co-worker: I swear, if this keeps up I'm going to throw myself on a bridge.
315 South Boulder Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: Man, it's freezing outside.
Co-worker #2: My outside thermometer says it's 83 degrees.
Co-worker #3: Maybe it's in metrics or something.
1345 Monroe Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
11AM Call Maintenance
Employee: Why is the bathroom locked and has a sign saying "Out of Order"? What happened?
Manager: I think something's wrong with it.
Employee: Is anyone in there, I thought I heard someone?
Manager: You never know--but bathrooms are private so you shouldn't knock.
623 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Is garlic a normal constituent of Mexican food?
Co-worker #2: It's not unnormal.
1000 East 50th Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: SLP
4PM Meeting
Co-worker: One of the people I was meeting with was Ray Charles...the white, Jewish Ray Charles.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Class
Trainer: Now who can receive a "reasonable accommodation"?
Employee: You should get one for your hair!
645 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
11AM Dressing in Hefty Bags Gives You a Certain Latitude
Female cubicle-dweller: Good news! Remember that smell I kept smelling but couldn't find? That garbage smell? It was me!
1009 Lenox Drive
Lawrenceville, New Jersey
5PM Who Can't See Their Fingers
Coworker #1: Ha! They have phones with big numbers for people with fat fingers.
Coworker #2: Dont be mean -- they're probably for deaf people.
25 North Terrace
Adelaide
Australia
Overheard by: collins
5PM Here, Talk to the Baby
Caller: I'm having contractions!
911 operator: Are you pregnant?
201 Spring Street
Springdale, Arizona
Overheard by: push, push
3PM It's Hard to Believe This Joke Is Still Funny at a Pizza Place
Customer: Is my pizza ready?
Cashier, yelling: Hey! Is this guy's 12-inch out yet?
Manager, laughing: Did you just say that?!
Cashier, blushing: Oh! Oh my god!
Fort Hood, Texas
Overheard by: can I get one of those?
10AM The Less I Know about Christmas, the Better
Blonde desk assistant: When is Christmas this year?
Editor: Tuesday, I think.
Blonde desk assistant: No, I mean what day? Like, the 25th?
Editor: Um... Yeah. The 25th.
Blonde desk assistant: But I thought that was Christmas Eve! When is Christmas Eve, then? [Editor stares.] Give me a break -- I'm a Jew.
TV station broadcast center
New York, New York
Overheard by: News Bunny
9AM At the Annual Association of Homophobic Lexicographers Banquet
Intern #1: So is there a difference between homogenous and homogeneous?
Intern #2: Yes, one means "composed of one thing," and the other is, like, a gay Einstein or something.
Rayburn House Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: the Best and the Brightest
9AM Officers Had Probable Cause to Administer a Field Civics Test
Girl: So, I'm really scared because I got jury duty. I don't want to be in the same room as a criminal.
Paralegal: Well, maybe they're not a criminal. That's the point of jury duty.
Girl: But... aren't they guilty if they were arrested? I mean, the police don't just go around arresting people if they're innocent.
1355 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: sam
4PM He Has, He's Just Hoping She'll Show Him Where It Is
Male employee #1: I don't think it exists.
Female employee: The G-spot? Oh, it's real.
Male employee #1: I think it's a mythical place.
Male employee #2: I've never heard of it.
2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: dying a slow death
9AM I'm Too Old to Change, Baby
Old lady: Where is your nigger food?
Stocker: Uh, excuse me?
Old lady: You know, the nigger food. The black bird food.
Stocker: You mean the Niger seed?
Old lady: That's what I said, the nigger seed.
3803 Venture Drive
Duluth, Georgia
Overheard by: I recommend the chink pellets
10AM Department Meeting
Boss: This is not an interactive meeting, so no feedback of any kind. Every customer who gives a commitment today will get a $350 Home Depot giftcard. This is only until the end of business today.
Loan Officer: But I got a customer commitment yesterday. Can I tell her that we will send her one?
Boss: Didn't I just say that this meeting is not interactive? I won't answer your stupid questions.
Loan Office: ...So what's the answer?
The boss storms out.
Loan Officer: I'll just ask him later.
2700 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
12PM Training Seminar
Trainer: Oh, you wanna click there? Well you can't do that click until you're done clicking the other clicks.
Employees: ...
503 Martindale Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
