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3PM Cancel Joe's Surprise Party
Receptionist: Joe Barnes, please come to the office, you have a phone call.
Employee: You might have to speak up. And also? If he shows up, I'm leaving.
Receptionist: Why, don't you like him?
Employee: No, it's not that, it's just that he's been dead for two years.
5900 West Chester Road
West Chester, Ohio
9AM Where Do You Think I'm Calling You From?
Boss on speaker phone: So I need you to give me those files, like, in five minutes.
Employee: Um.
Boss: I'm serious. I want them in my hand in five minutes.
Employee: You know that I work at home, right?
Boss: So?
Employee: So I live forty-five minutes away from your so-called "office"...Speaking of which, did you ever get that toilet out of the hallway?
3207 Hayloft Court
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
2PM Her Resume Comes with a Centerfold
Boss: Did you talk to that girl Rachel*?
Male employee on phone: Yes, I have her resume in front of me now.
Boss: She's very pretty... she has big boobs.
Male employee on phone: Really.
Boss: Something to think about.
6671 Eastland Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: melessa
9AM Uh-Huh...And the Address?...1600 Pennsylvania Avenue...Got It.
Employee #1, on phone: Good morning, sir, my name is Brad*, and I'm from an execution service agency.
Employee #2: Dude. It's executive search agency!
Den Bosch
the Netherlands
Overheard by: Meme
12PM I'm More Interested in the Idea of Cheese
Customer: I would like a cheeseburger but with no cheese.
Cashier: So you want a simple hamburger?
Customer: No! A cheeseburger with no cheese!
Fast food restaurant
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: burger lover
2PM Update Database
Temp: This person gave their email address as being at "hotmail.con". Should I enter it as "hotmail.com"?
Employee: No, put whatever is on the application.
1776 West Lakes Parkway
West Des Moines, Iowa
12PM I Never Should've Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Customer's cell rings.
Customer: Hold on a sec... [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you... Why? 'Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off 'cause he doesn't know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh...
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?
1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York
Overheard by: i hate customers...
5PM At the Science Friction Convention
Announcement over PA: If anyone has taken Maureen's* K-Y Jelly, please return it immediately.
W 66th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: wondering why its needed
11AM Smoke Break
Bookseller: I cleaned up all the damn puppets. All of them! Then, watched as a father allowed his children to throw all of them on the floor, play for an hour, then leave them. He grinned at me, said 'Kids, right?', then left. It took all I had not to tear that grin off his face, and shove it so far up his fucking ass that I could then reattach it backwards...Wow, four hours really is too long to go without a cigarette!
Cashier: That was the best image I've had all day. Go smoke so that I can savor it alone.
430 W Vine Street
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: Laughing coworker
10AM God: 'I'd Like to Return This Woman, Please'
Customer: Hi, I'd like to make a return.
Cashier: Ok, do you have your receipt?
Customer: Yeah, here it is.
Cashier, after looking at receipt for a few seconds: Ma'am, this is from Walgreens.
Customer: Oh...[looks around the store in bewilderment] Where am I?
Longs Drugs
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
12PM He Spells 'Foxtrot' with a 'Ph'
Employee: Thanks for calling iTransact, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I'd like to cancel my account, please.
Employee: No problem, sir. Can I have your name, please?
Customer: Yes, it's 'Frank.' That's 'F' as in 'Frank,' R-A-N-K.
Farmington, Utah
9AM No, the French Are What's Wrong with France
Employee #1: It's them damn environmentalists that make the gas prices so high.
Employee #2: Yeah, those morons won't let us drill for oil anywhere. They're what's wrong with this country.
Employee #1: Yeah, them and the French.
North 6th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Environmentalist
12PM Order 10 More "Gigabytes" (?)
Boss: Do you know where the gigabytes are? I need some more for my computer.
Employee #1: What are you talking about?
Boss: Are they in the closet?
He goes looking in the closet for about five minutes.
Boss: Seriously, do you know where more gigabytes are?
Employee #2: Maybe they're in your pants.
N59W14909 Bobolink Avenue
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: LeeAnn Michaud
5PM Lime Green Stretch Pants
Male employee to female employee: It's like you're stuck in a really bad version of The Devil Wears Prada, except this time the devil wears Lane Bryant stretch pants...
75 Hawthorne Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: At Least I Wear H&M...
12PM Guy Laroche, Guy de Maupassant...
Local public radio reporter: Nurse Smith* is reponsible for the health of over 2,000 students in the school district, but she seems to know many of them individually and calls them by name as she passes them in the hallway.
School nurse, to kids: Hey, guys.
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
5PM Should I Wait to Be Invited to the Celebration or Just Invite Myself?
Male employee to female employee: Now hold on. You just wait until I whip it right out...Then we can celebrate.
Nearby male co-worker: I feel so uncomfortable right now.
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: CB
10AM Yes, in Prairie Schooners
Travel agent: Where were you looking to take a cruise to?
Client: Do they have cruises to Las Vegas?
Proctor Street
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: potitia
4PM At the Sal Monella Country Inn
Waitress: And so the guy from the health department says we have, like, one day to get this shit cleaned up or he is shutting us down. Oh my god, he's right! Look at all this crap in the bottom of the ice... [As two customers walk in] Oh, hello. Two for dinner?
Diner
Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
3PM Oh, See, That One Was Way Too Detailed
Employee on phone: And how do you know her? And... how... do... you... know... her?... AND... HOW... what do you mean, "Ask less detailed questions"?
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee: I asked for tomorrow off, 'cause I don't feel like working in the rain. I'll probably go fishing, though -- I don't mind fishing in the rain.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
12PM Asian Discrimination League Meeting
FedEx Driver: Gs prices are so expensive I am thinking about delivering packages on a bike.
Warehouse employee: You and your people should be used to that.
4000 Coolidge Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM Maybe 'Shape It Up' Might Have Been More Appropriate
Employee: Can I help you find something?
Female customer: No...Actually, yes. I can't find any CDs by Devo.
Employee: Hm. What genre?
Girl: I would say rock, but...
Employee: D-I-V-O?
Girl: No, D-E-V-O.
Employee: That sounds really familiar. Let me go take a look. [Starts to turn]
Girl: Yeah, "Whip it!" [Makes whip crack motion]
Employee looks hurt and oblivious as he walks away.
1515 West Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
3PM In Fact, That's the Dictionary Definition of 'Okay'
Voice over the PA: If you see people in camouflage running around with guns and hear explosions, it is okay.
Hall Drive
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Zarbettu
10AM Chewbacca's Agent Finally Snaps
Worker bee: Your poor interpersonal communication skills are not my fault. They are my problem, because I have to deal with you, but they are not my fault.
519 Westport Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: DeadEyeDusty
2PM Who Among Us Can Say They Haven't Run That Search?
Employee #1: I don't think she got fired.
Employee #2: Yeah, but when they cleaned out her computer they found the search terms "anal, Ann Coulter" quite frequently.
18 Passaic Avenue
Fairfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: thanks for blocking aim, douchebags
11AM The Litter Box Next to the Bed Might Be a Mistake
Female employee: I don't mind thinking I'll be a creepy cat lady. I just don't want to be a creepy virgin cat lady.
Crosspoint Boulevard
Indianapolis, Indiana
3PM But They Said the Panties Are Yours
Employee to coworker wearing under-armor shirt: Lou*, Bally's called. They want their shirt back until you can bench press at least 45 pounds.
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
Overheard by: Maureen
2PM Plus, the Witch Is Always Trying to Trick Us into the Oven
Employee: First they stuff us with pie, then they expect us to work.
South Rainier
Seattle, Washington
3PM The Ancient Greek Goddess of Menstruation
Library patron: Do y'all know where this book is?
Library employee: Try looking by periodicals.
Library patron: Who?
100 Decatur Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Jebediah
3PM Don't Even Be Eatin' That Yogurt in Front of Me
Boss: There's pizza in the back room for everyone in appreciation of your hard work!
Employee #1: Hey, Jen*, can you save me a slice? I can't leave my desk right now.
Employee #2: Sure, I'll bring two back. There should be enough for two slices per person.
Employee #3: You know, I work harder than the rest of you all combined; therefore, I should get the most fuckin' pizza. Does anyone else here work as hard as me? I don't fuckin' think so. So that means that I get more pizza. I don't want to see anyone eating more fuckin' pizza than me.
Employee #2: So, Meredith*, what kind of pizza did you want?
Employee #1: Um, I think I'll just... stick with my yogurt... Thanks.
570 Worcester Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
9AM Back to Work
Receptionist: Hey, help me with this list. The boss wants me to go to the store and get some stuff for the coffee room. You know, stuff like filters and cups and stuff. But I can't figure out what these icet rays are.
HR clerk: Let me see the list...Sweetie, this says ice trays. You know, for the freezer to freeze water into cubes.
Receptionist: Are you sure? Because if the boss wants icet rays, that's what I better get.
HR clerk: Well okay, if you really want icet rays, try the office supply store and make them check in the back. You may have to ask for their manager.
Receptionist: Thanks, see you in a little while.
HR clerk: You know, I should have used that opportunity to sell her a bridge.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM How You Know Your Coworker Is Straight
Employee: Did you see the Accounting Department? They are all dressed up like the Village People... or the Seven Dwarfs -- I'm not sure.
100 Mountain Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Snow Whitefish
12PM It's Good for Filling Wet Cracks, Am I Right?
Boss #1: We have a caulk issue.
Boss #2: Is it big?
Boss #3: Very.
Employee passerby: I know all about caulk -- it's very sticky.
548 Highway 155
St. Germain, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Tony
1PM Error! Error! Does...Not...Compute...Error!
Female customer: Excuse me, what is this?
Guy behind counter: It's gazpacho soup.
Female customer: But it's cold.
Guy behind counter: It's supposed to be served chilled.
Female customer: But you said it was soup.
Hospital cafeteria
New York, New York
3PM Ummm, What Were We Talking About?
Manager: How could you let this happen?
Clerk: I forgot.
Manager: You forgot? How could you forget? It's so hard to forget! It's easy to remember and hard to forget! Remember that! Haven't you ever forgotten something and you tried to remember it? That's how easy it is to remember!
1618 Main St.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Ydnas
11AM She's Jockeying For 'Most Improved'
Employee #1: Where's Anne*?
Employee #2: I dunno, but she's sure going to be late to her time management training class.
980 Kelly Johnson Drive
Las Vegas, Nevada
8AM Permission to Approach the Bench and Lift That Robe
Court clerk: Next docketed matter, Wood v. City. Anybody have Wood? If you have Wood, bring it up here.
50 West Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Larry
4PM Maybe You Should Try Singing with Your Mouth
Employee on phone: Church choir practice kicked my ass last night!
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
4PM Okay, Everybody Charge Things to This Dude!
Cashier: ... And do you have your Hudson's Bay credit card with you today?
Gangster #1: My what?
Cashier: HBC credit card. It's gold.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man. I think so. Uhhh... Is this it?
Cashier: No, that's your MasterCard. I'm looking for the HBC card, if you have it.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man, HBC! They always be sendin' me bills in the mail and shit, you know, and I don't even know why!
Gangster #2: Dude, that's HSBC. That's the bank.
Gangster #1: Oh.
Gangster #2: You don't even know the difference, do you?
Gangster #1: Not really. So, like, one has an S and one doesn't have an S, right? Is that it?
Gangster #2: No, it's completely different.
Gangster #1: Well, so what, man? I still gotta pay the bills whether it has an S or whether it don't have an S, right?
Zellers Lansdowne Mall
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
11AM I Look Forward to Your Sermon This Sunday
UPS guy: Wow. Don't you look fancy today!
Man in office: Nah, these are actually my stripping clothes.
UPS guy: Oh, really? The ladies must love that.
Man in office: Yeah, they have a Velcro crotch. It's pretty awesome.
UPS guy: Whelp, see you later.
1160 Pioneer Road
Salt Lake City, Utah
3PM Lube and Oil Change?
Voice on PA: Can we get a customer service in the women's room?
Safeway
Gilroy, California
Overheard by: mind in the gutter
5PM Hobo: I Was Researching Adult Entertainment Law!
Student: This place is nice.
Employee: Yeah, it's really peaceful until the homeless guys look at porn on the Internet and they have to call the cops.
Student: Does that happen a lot?
Employee: Yeah. What else do they have to do?
Law Library, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
1PM He Does Love His Wife's Butt
Branch manager on phone: Hello? Ok, put him through. Hey, Matt*! Hold on, let me shut my office door... Yeah... Yeah... I do love my wife...
Cubicle chick: Did he just say what I think he said? 'I do love my wife'?
Sales guy: Yes, but I think you missed a part. He said 'I do love my wife, but...'
Cubicle chick: It's gonna be a goood day!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM One EggBeater Experience is Enough
Employee #1: Ok, I'm taking breakfast orders for the meeting, what do you guys want?
Employee #2: Ummm, I'll have the western omelette.
Employee #1: Ok.
Employee #2: Oh, wait...are there eggs in that?
Employee #1: Uh, yeah!
Employee #2: Okay then!
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: You've got to be kidding
1PM Which Is Why I Had You Read That Book on Smoke Signals
Coworker: Here's the information you wanted.
Boss: I don't want paper -- it'll get lost on my desk.
Coworker: Do you want me to e-mail them to you?
Boss: No! It'll get lost in my inbox.
Coworker: So to get this straight, you don't want the info on paper or e-mail?
Washington
12PM I'm Partial to the Hysterical Praying
In a crowded elevator, everyone is quiet except for the clunking of the elevator.
Employee: That was a new sound.
Manager: My favorite is the screaming.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
9AM And What With UPN Off the Air...
Employee: I'm tired of seeing movies that are just, like, The Adventures of White People.
Kane Hall, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Anonymous
4PM Smoke Break
Employee #1: Stop flinging eyedrops on me!
Employee #2: I am trying to exorcise the demons in you.
Bldg 5302 Sparkman Circle
Redstone Arsenal, Alabama
6AM We're Not As Stupid As You IT A-holes Think...
IT guy: Do you have a license to install Photoshop?
Employee: You need a license?
IT guy: Yeah.
Employee: It's not that hard to install, you just double click on the icon.
IT guy: You don't understand.
Employee: Yeah I do, I'm just fucking with you. Jokes are funny.
2 W. 2nd Street
Tulsa, Oklahoma
5PM Loves Burping the Air Out
Dude: Why you goin' to a tupperware party? You're a grown-ass man, dawg!
10 Coventry Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: supremo
11AM People Going through a Dry Spell?
Employee: I mean, really -- who uses the word 'lubricant' in passing?
48th Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
7PM Somehow Stupidity is Never an "Emergency"
Intercom: This is an announcement from the building fire safety department; it is just a test. If you could not hear this message, please contact the fire warden. Thanks for your attention.
1221 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Office manager: Yeah, technically I'm supposed to be the one in charge of organizing everyone to evacuate if there is a fire. But...if this were the real thing, it's every man for himself.
Co-worker: That's horrible.
Office manager: The people I feel worst for are the handicapped. They have to find someone to help them out of the building...and I just don't know who would do that.
3535 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Congratulations: You've Got the Job!
Peon #1: You know what I can't wait to do?
Peon #2: Let me guess -- dip, masturbate, take a shit.
Peon #1: And...?
Peon #2: Drink?
Peon #1: So you are listening.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: anon
11AM She Took a Really Big Pas de Deux
Employee: The ballerina broke the toilet.
1228 Egypt Road
Oaks, Pennsylvania
4PM Stress Management
Warehouse employee, furiously banging tools around: Happy place, go to your happy place.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
overheard by: I love this place!
12PM But on That Note, What's Your Availability?
Customer: Wow, you must be in high demand this time of year.
Employee: I guess so.
Customer: Oh, I meant the store. Not you.
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: party rental stores are no party
1PM He Said Enematically
Engineer: Holy shit! I just measured twelve shafts!
5810 Nancy Ridge Drive
San Diego, California
10AM "No, it's not a triple leap year."
Guy: What was yesterday? Was it the 31st of February?
12 W. 27th Street
New York, NY
1PM What Smoke-Free Non-Coffee-Drinkers Do on Work Breaks
Reporter to another on deadline day: Hey, you wanna go kick each other in the balls and forget it's Thursday?
81st Street and Harvard Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: I don't have balls, but I know the feeling
2PM Where U.S. Army Officials Go to 'Investigate' Suspected Homosexual Acts
Old man: So, this was a good queer movie.
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: Where are the other movies about dykes and queers?
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: I want to know if they are really sexy, though.
Cedar Street
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: silenced
5PM I've Been Waiting Years for You to Say That!
Woman on phone: I really wanna get you off tonight. [Pause] No, I mean call your manager and see if they need you to come in! Shut up, stop laughing!
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: sneaky pete
4PM Work on Spreadsheets
CCA: My Excel's not working.
Manager: I don't care.
CCA: What should I do if my Excel's not working and you don't care?
Manager: Call the Ghostbusters.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
11AM Conference Call
Employee on phone: Yeah, that's a little redundant.
Boss: You can say that again.
1 Whitehall Street
New York, NY
4PM You're Probably Going to Arrive at Your Point Soon, but the Rest of Us Don't Want to Be Here When You Do
Employee: My friend ate a penis once... but not in a sexual way. It was a Romanian specialty dish or something like that.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
10AM It's Really More About Where They Land, Isn't It?
Peon: I wanted to show you this order. I think someone dropped the ball.
Sales associate: Let's see whose order it is...Oh, it's Ryan's*. And he's out this week.
Peon: Uh-oh.
Sales associate: See what happens when you go on vacation? Your balls get dropped!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM If a New Jersey Resident Falls in His Kitchen, And No One Is Around to See It, Is It Still Funny?
Employee #1: Well, you should move to New Jersey. There are great apartments in my complex.
Employee #2: I don't know that I want to move out there.
Employee #1: The apartments are great, lots of closet space, granite countertops in the kitchen.
Employee #2: I don't want granite counters. If I fall and hit my head on them, it would hurt.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
5PM Whatever For?
Trainer: My wife collects bolts of fabric and weaponry... I collect books, DVDs, and Black Plague memorabilia...
Attendee: Ummm, I collect coins...
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: Bored in Training
12PM Squatters' Rights, Dude
Employee #1: Do you go in the bathroom like that?
Barefoot employee: Yeah, but I sit down. It's much cleaner in there.
Employee #2: Wait, did you just admit that you sit down to pee?
1 Microsoft Way
Redmond, Washington
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Guess what I had for lunch?
Employee #2: Judging from the shit-eating grin on your face I'll guess you tossed a salad.
9200 West Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
10AM That's What They Said Before Pearl Harbor
Employee #1: So as the guy was doing my nails--
Employee #2: --Wait, you have a man do your nails?
Employee #1: Oh, it's okay, he's Asian.
John Adam Street
London, England
Overheard by: rubywoo
3PM I'm Pretty Sure That's Illegal in Utah
Experienced stock broker: It's not a butterfly spread, it's a condor spread. Although, I'm not sure why it's called that -- the eagle is a more common big bird, so it should be an eagle sprea-- Oh.
Salt Lake City, Utah
1PM What Do You Have to Do Around Here to Get Some Freaking Champagne?!
Employee: Can I help you find something?
Customer: I'm looking for a red wine.
Employee: Cabernet, pinot noir, shiraz?
Customer: No, I want a red wine.
1017 East Main Street
Radford, Virginia
2PM Mail Packages
UPS: I've got a big one for you today!
Office Manager: Ooh! I'll take it!
10801 Main Street
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Jeni Gonzales
10AM Rob Schneider? Is That You?
Customer: Can you draw something on the cake for me?
Employee: Sure, what do you want on it?
Customer: A dick.
Employee: I can do you one better. We've got these chocolate-covered bananas, and chocolate-covered cookie dough balls. I can put an edible, chocolate-covered dick and balls on your cake.
Customer: Fucking awesome!
Manager, walking in: Uh, what are you doing?
Employee: Making a dick cake.
Manager: Woo! Makin' a dick cake!
Ben & Jerry's, East Village
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sam
1PM If It's Not in My Day-Timer, It's Not Gonna Happen
Employee #1: I have an emergency at two PM.
Employee #2: That's a very scheduled emergency.
Scottsdale, Arizona
10AM EEOC's Favorite Kind of Testimony
Employee: OH, SOMEONE TOOK A PICTURE OF THE COCK AGAIN!... Only it doesn't have sunglasses anymore.
101 Hillpointe Drive
Canonsburg, Pennsylvania
9AM Won't They Need to Wait for Him to Get Back to Do That?
Employee #1: Is this Sammy's* or yours?
Employee #2: I think it's Sammy's.
Employee #1: I don't want to shuffle everything off to him since he's on vacation.
Employee #2: No, he's not here... let's screw him!
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
5PM Why It's Important to Remember Which Perversion Goes With Which Boyfriend
Female employee on cell: You think he still loves me?...No, I think I peed myself right off that pedestal.
201 North Washington Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandi
1PM Did I Mention That I Won't Be Wearing Pants?
Employee #1: So basically, I'm going to wear a shirt that says, 'Ghouls Gone Wild' on it.
Employee #2: You can't do that! You have to dress slutty!
Sixforks and Strickland
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Heather
10AM Probably Ran Right to His Therapist with That One
20-ish office girl: I am so mad at him! I sent him a Christmas card, but I did not write a note in it.
8th Street
Des Moines, Iowa
7AM He Knows Exactly Which Button to Push, and When
Employee #1: He doesn't do anything, but he makes great presentations.
Employee #2: He gives good slide?
Employee #1: Exactly.
600 Technology Park Drive
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Jeff Dietz
4PM Unless You Have an 11?
Woman: I take an exact size 9.
Salesgirl: We only have an 8 and a 10.
Woman: I'll take the 10.
Niagara-on-the-Lake
Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: bored at work
5PM I'd Fix It Myself, but I'm Heading Out Soon
Young drone: Do you realize that everything you print has the heading 'Dead' on it?
Old drone: I wish they'd change that.
441 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
10AM We Need More Support Staff
20-something woman: Just when I get my desk cleaned up, someone comes and dumps a pile of bras on it.
36th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM God Loves an Optimist
Employee on phone: Hold on, I'm having a heart attack. I'll call you back.
213 NE 2nd Avenue
Miami, Florida
12AM Tell That to Richard Pryor
PR gal: We need a really memorable tag line, like "Stop, Drop and Roll" from the '80s. Whatever happened to that, anyway?
Intern guy: It still works if you're on fire.
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Someone's Brain is on a Dial-up
Employee #1: See, I don't understand that. Explain that to me.
Employee #2: Okay.
Employee #1: Well...go ahead...
1920 W. Lindner Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
10AM Order You to Clean It Up
Employee to boss: So, what do you do when a kid pisses on the sales floor?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I don't know either
9AM And I Was Too Busy Listening to the Voices to Really Watch It
Peon: I've never seen a real-life fire before... Except for the one I started when I was in college.
40th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whatever
2PM ... And the Priest Pronounced Us Man and Wife
Excited employee to boss: ... And then I punched the raccoon...
Lumber yard office
Boise, Idaho
Overheard by: Michael
9AM Back to Work
Employee on phone: Yeah, I'm leaving early today...Because if I don't, I'll kill someone. No, I mean it, someone will literally die at my hands, so I figure I'm helping out the company by leaving early.
900 Commonwealth Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch in Cafeteria
Employee: No one comes here anymore, it's too crowded.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: kt
9AM I Know the Perfect Position For You!
Employee #1: I don't know how you got a better review than you did last year.
Employee #2: Yeah, me either.
Employee #1: You know, I really only get about 50% out of you each day.
Employee #2: Yeah, that sounds about right. Some days more, some days less. Usually less.
Employee #1: Wouldn't it be great if I got that 100% out of you, though?
Employee #2: Probably, but I really just don't feel like it.
901 Warrenville Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Recovering Workaholic
10AM Though I'm Not Sure Why We Need Giant Paperclips
Female peon: Personally, I can handle four inches without a problem. Doesn't bother me.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Even If It Is Part of My Job Description
Woman exiting man's office: Give 'em a copy of your contract -- I don't care. I have better things to do than sit here and jerk myself off.
498 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I care
1PM It's Like Falling in Love All Over Again!
Employee on phone: I was picking a booger out of my nose before and lost it, and I didn't know where it went and I just found it on my finger.
390 Sixth Street
Huntington, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee: Don't interrupt me now, interrupt me when I am finished!
1200 10th Avenue South
Birmingham, Alabama
2PM Distribute Manuals
Boss: Did you leave this in the copier? It got jammed.
Employee: Yeah, I guess I did. Sorry.
Boss: If you and [Janet] ever got married, you'd have really stupid kids. I'm just saying.
777 Main Street
Fort Worth, Texas
4PM Out of What?
Junior art director: I have 44 minutes to make a baby.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: wha?
9PM I Just Want to Know What a Tannoy Is
Tannoy: A pair of glasses has been found in the car park. If you have lost a pair, please come and pick them up from reception...if you can find the way.
Thames House
Thames Road, Crayford
England
12PM That Explains Some of the Stains, Though
Lawyer: Oh, he's a philanderer?
Legal assistant: No, he works at a paint store.
14340 57th Avenue
Surrey, British Columbia, Canada
9AM Back to Work
Teller: So how was your weekend?
Customer: Oh, it was all right...my husband died.
1600 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: indigo
5PM Who Are You?
Peon: I'm not sure if everyone's aware, but I have taken the time to name people's tummies in the In-house Department.
Wilmington, Delaware
2PM So Why Has It Made Britney So Miserable?
Sweet-natured office chick: I'm starting to realize I'm just a selfish little bitch, and now I'm much, much happier!
Centre Street
New York, New York
1PM Help, There Are Trammps in Our Refrigerator!
Employee #1: Now, where did 'Disco Inferno' come from?
Employee #2: Not me! It's not on my iPod!
Employee #1: I think it came from the refrigerator!
Employee #2: Oh really?
Employee #1: No, this is serious! You're not the one with 'Disco Inferno' stuck in your head!
Chevy Chase
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: kitchen watcher
12AM You know Sith? From Accounting?
Intercom: Luke! Luke, I am your father.
Woman #1: What is that?
Woman #2: Um, I think it's the PA system.
Intercom: Luke, I am your father!
Woman #1: Yup, this place just keeps getting weirder every day.
735 Brewerton Road
West Point, New York
1PM One of the More Confusing Motivational Speakers
Grunt: Why the hell should I care if some stupid Egyptian thinks I look like a ragamuffin?
Sutter Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Front Desk
3PM Only Bitter Experience Prompts This Kind of Advice
Rep on phone with trucker: You do know you can't drive your rig into the ocean, right? That's bad...Oh, okay. Well, I hope you have a nice view.
1368 Old Fannin Road, Suite 400
Brandon, Mississippi
12PM I Have Plans for My In-Box Which I Am Not at Liberty to Reveal
Employee: Your in-box is not intended to be a point on the Bermunda Triangle.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM Compile Mailers
Employee #1: You're making a mess with the mail. Envelopes are all over the place. They're calling me to come clean them up.
Employee #2: They're calling you? What are they saying?
Employee #1: "Come clean me up. I'm strewn about the table."
Employee #2: ...Because evelopes have such a good vocabulary.
Employee #1: Of course they do. That's why they don't stay sealed. They've got a lot to say.
12100 I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
12PM Check Up on Renatl Department
Client on speaker: I need one of those lights that you put on the camera, and a metal thing, and also the curly thing.
Rental Department: So you need a flash, a stroboframe bracket and the off-camera cord?
Client on speaker: Yeah, sure, I guess. Oh, and do you have one of these things that see the light?
Rental Department: A flash meter you mean?
Client on speaker: Sure, I guess.
Rental Department: Sir, are you the photographer?
Client on speaker: Yes, why?
1111 North Cherry Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Coffee Break
Engineer: Man, I can't write code today. Someone must have stole my
talent.
Manager: That would be petty theft.
8000 West Sunrise Boulevard
Plantation, Florida
8AM Sounds Like She Should Be in Jury Tampering
Paralegal: Good afternoon, [Law Firm name]. How may I help you?
Partner: Wow...Wow. You've got, like, a 1-900 phone voice. We're gonna have to take you off the receptionist rotation. Don't want to give our criminal clients the wrong impression.
600 East Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
5PM It's Less an Assumption than Universal Law
Underling: I'm really tired of having to assume that everyone else is an idiot and that I should automatically know which questions to ask.
30 E 33rd Street
New York, NY
6AM The Tissues Were Doused in Self-love
Employee: Ew! You're dousing your sandwich in tabasco sauce!
Intern: I'm dousing it in self-hatred.
4 W. Oakland Avenue
Doylestown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Vivian X
3PM After Her Last Album's Failure, Ms. Wilson Went into a Bit of a Slump
Guy: Hey, can you tell me how to get to Billings, Montana?
Desk clerk: Yeah, just go north on 95, then east on 90. That's the best way to get there.
Guy: Thanks! I just got fired. I'm a carnie. Carnie!
Hillcrest
Moscow, Idaho
Overheard by: They have small hands.
12PM He Already Has Plans For Them
Employee #1: Dave*, you're what, 27? You're too young to get married. You need to wait until you're 35 and then marry a 23 year old. Birthing is just "bam! bam! bam!"-- brutal on them. So you need to marry young.
Employee #2: So I need to work here for 8 years and marry a girl who is just graduating from here?
Employee #3: Start looking, man. She's in high school now.
Employee #2: She'd be what, 15? Hey, Jim*, how old are your daughters?
Employee #1: 13 and 15...Shut up!
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM Except for Michael Jackson
Lady peon with eye patch: Yeah... Once you go black, you never go back.
45th Avenue and Vermont Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: WOW
10AM Pay Renewal Fee
Accounting: You submitted a payment request for a renewal fee.
Peon: Yes.
Accounting: Can you find out how long the renewal term is for?
Peon: It says "annual renewal fee" on the invoice.
Accounting: Yeah, I saw that, but do you know when it's valid until?
Peon: It says valid from October 31, 2005 on the invoice.
Accounting: Yeah, but can you make sure? You never know it could be for like two years or something.
3700 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
12PM Meeting at ASPCA
Attendant: Is the cat male or female?
Animal Cop: Female.
Attendant: So you checked?
Animal Cop: No, I didn't check the plumbing, if that's what you mean.
Attendant: So how do you know it's a female?
Animal Cop: Because the cat was feisty. Kind of like my wife.
326 110th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: M.L. Liu
10AM Like You Haven't Wondered What Happened to Her?
Worker bee: Is that Phylicia Rashad on top of our tree?
Fairfax, Virginia
11AM Employee Orientation
Employee #1: Have you seen the new girl?
Employee #2: No, but Fat Matt in cube 3 was just asking for some ketchup, so you better hurry!
6666 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM Sure. And "Prosaic" Means a Mosaic Made of Prose.
Bookstore clerk: Prose? I thought that was a kind of poetry.
Bookstore, Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
3PM It Helps That He's a Golden Retriever
Lady peon: I really want to fuck him, but I can't. I'm trying to be monogamous in my non-relationship relationship.
Club restroom
Anchorage, Alaska
1PM When Gay Men Write Action Movie Scripts
Library worker to another: His hair was his Achilles' heel.
441 East Fordham Road, Fordham University's Walsh Library
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: Krisztina
6AM Thank God for LifeAlert
Announcement: We are currently experiencing a telephone outage. For
emergencies and medical conditions, please call [498-8565].
3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12AM One Man's Prison Cubicle is Another Man's Castle
HR person: Here's your office. There are some shelves on order and they should be in next week, so you'll have to do with the desk and credenza.
New employee: But I thought I was getting a cubicle.
1701 1st Avenue
Rock Island, Illinois
Overheard by: Holly Sparkman
10AM We're Flying One in From St. Petersburg
Female employee on phone: ...will you outsource the foreskin?
18th Street & Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mikey Z
12PM Ah Yes, "The Eddie Murphy Principle"
Office Manager: How do you go out to lunch and come back with a huge cucumber?
Employee: How do men go out at night and come back with hookers?
Office Manager: Huh?
Employee: It's the same basic principle.
110 N. Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Joan
1PM He Seems to Have a Long, Impressive Record
Employee #1: There's a drunk guy outside who wants to know if we're hiring any laborers.
Employee #2: Does he have a valid driver's license?
1201 Yorkship Square
Camden, New Jersey
10AM If You Have to Ask, You Ain't Never Gonna Know
Male phone representative to female customer: Mmm... Okay... Yeah... Am I married?
Call Center
Beaverton, Oregon
3PM Coffee Break
Employee #1: Sometimes I just get caught up in all this stuff, it's so hectic.
Employee #2: You have to stop once in a while and find some sunshine.
Employee #1: I'd rather just find some moonshine.
50 West State Street
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jimmy Fingers
3PM Meeting
Employee #1: Where the hell were you?
Employee #2: In the bathroom.
Employee #1: For twenty minutes? God, I thought you were sleeping with the feces.
320 17 Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
4PM Look Busy!
Underling #1: Man, this sucks, you can always tell when someone's about to get let go.
Underling #2: Yeah?
Underling #1: Well yeah. [The boss] is still here.
Underling #2: How does that--
Underling #1: It's 3:30pm!...Hello? It's Friday!
5790 Fleet Street
Carlsbad, California
Overheard by: Milton Waddams
6PM The Scouts Were Always Out & Flaming
Receptionist: Were you here on Tuesday? The smell was awful.
Worker Bee: I kind of liked it, it reminds me of my days as a firefighter.
Receptionist: I didn't know you're a fireman?!
Worker Bee: Well, it was in Boy Scout camp...a long time ago.
810 Seventh Ave
2PM That, and the Floral Mumus
Lady peon looking at clothing ad from '70s: The sad thing is, how many people in this died from AIDS?
6000 Southport Road
Portage, Indiana
Overheard by: Justin Russo
1PM Meeting on Meetings
Program manager: I think we should adopt the behaviours from the charter for meetings of the [Partnerships] section. [Steven], why don't you read them out?
[Steven]: Respect other's opinions and feelings, stay focused, turn off mobile phones, question self before others, participate enthusiastically and share experience and knowledge, have some fun....
Employee: Anyone telling me to have some fun at meetings better think again.
Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Ness
2PM Schedule Tech Course
Boss: Hey, my mouse arrow is reversed on the screen.
Worker: What...how?
Boss: If I go this way, it goes that way...Oh, never mind, I was holding it upside down.
10199 Riverford Road
Lakeside, California
2PM Print Termination Letter
Ex-employee: I just got let go.
Employee: Really? What did they say?
Ex-employee: "Bye."
4400 Post Oak Parkway
Houston, Texas
12PM Porn Sushi Class
Secretary: There's one class called "How to Shoot a Porno."
Employee: What?
Secretary: Yeah, it's girl-on-girl. I called to ask if we could get a group discount, but it's been cancelled due to a scheduling conflict.
Employee: Wow.
Secretary: There's another class, "How to make sushi"...
845 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Why They Both Wanted Breast Implants Is Anybody's Guess
Boss: How are your parents?
Worker #1: Fine, thanks for asking.
Worker #2: My parents are fine, too, thanks for asking!
Boss: I'm happy to hear that. When both of my parents were in the hospital at the same time, it was really hard on our whole family.
28th Street & 6th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Cathedral Bell Towers, Not So Much
Peon: Ever since I saw The Hunchback of Notre Dame, I've always had a fondness for gypsy women.
1250 Library Street
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Daniel Gillies
1PM No, You've Just Got Those Little Wings on Your Lapel
Customer: By chance, was your mom a flight attendant?
Employee: Why, do you think you're my dad?
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: Still laughing now
3PM This Just In: Bon Jovi Fires Insurance Agent
Insurance agent on phone: Garbage? You said garbage? But if it's garbage, why would you need to insure garbage??
East Little Creek Road
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: kim
9AM Back to Work
Employee #1: I was on time every day this week.
Employee #2: What? No way. You? Please, you're always late.
Employee #1: No, seriously.
Employee #2: Dude, weren't you late today? You're always late on Fridays.
Employee #1: I got here at 8:35 but normally I show up at 9am, so I wasn't late today.
Employee #2: 8:35 is late. Everyone else shows up at 8.
Employee #1: I have to take my daughter to school so that's why I'm typically late...but um...her school's out now for the summer so...yeah, I just forgot to set my alarm.
3320 West Cheryl Drive
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM Update EotM Wall
Employee #1: I can't believe they made that bitch Employee of the Month.
Employee #2: Me, neither.
Employee #1: I'm going to the general manager.
Employee #2: Yeah, I'll back you up.
Later.
Boss: Who the hell told her that was a good idea to come see me?
Employee #2: I don't know, I tried to stop her.
999 South Main Street
Salt Lake City, Utah
11AM Finalize November's Numbers
Account manager: Do you get the monthly reports and messages?
Office worker: No, I don't get anything. I'm so lonely.
409 Prospect Street
New Haven, Connecticut
2PM Chick Becomes VP and Loses All Sense of Decorum
VP: You'll need to sit between [Jake] and I at the next meeting so I don't kick his ass.
Peon: I'll hold him if you'll hit him.
1500 Hampton Street
Columbia, South Carolina
2PM Where's Your Mommy, Anyway?
Grunt: I'm sorry. You're going to have to beat your head against the wall somewhere else. I have to get on a conference call now.
390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: I know how you feel
12PM So Just Have the Spaghetti
Employee: Rat balls are nasty!
Raytheon
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: taaj
1PM I Don't Know Why I Married Him in the First Place
Accounting clerk: I like this vibrator, but he won't stand up straight.
Mebane, North Carolina
Overheard by: Making accounting more fun
9AM Until I Woke Up Topless on the Jungle Gym with the Kids Staring at Me
Assistant, about the company holiday party: Shit, I didn't even know where I was! I had the best time!
Beverly Boulevard and Fairfax Avenue
West Hollywood, California
3PM My Brain Is Still in Its Original Wrapping
Employee: So, we were going to mail all these invoices, but instead we're going to fax them since our postage machine died. Just put them on here and press start.
Temp: Okay! Got it.
Temp begins faxing.
Employee: Um, you have to take them out of the envelopes first.
380 Interlocken Crescent
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Catherine
12PM So Never Trust Anybody Mortal. Questions?
Employee: I had more security before when I worked for the manager that died.
Grocery store
Sarasota, Florida
Overheard by: Not Buying Meat
7PM Our Publisher is Male; It's the Editor We're Iffy On
Employee #1: Is [Morgan] a man?
Employee #2: What do you mean?
Employee #1: Is [Morgan] a he or a she?
1559 Brunswick Street
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
2PM I Wondered Why They'd Told Me to Use the Back Door
Casting assistant: I knew it was already dirty, but I was half way in and it was too late to turn back.
336 West 17th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: cubicle neighboor
3PM Cancer Break
Manager: We're in Gwinnett County. You need to be 10 feet from the walkway if you want to legally smoke.
Smoker #1: Like, isn't that unfair? What if you're a midget? Your feet would be about half the size of mine...No, seriously. Look how big my feet are! They're like twice the size of midget feet...Oh! You mean like a ruler!
Smoker #2: Yeah, haven't you ever heard of the metric system?
333 Research Court
Norcross, Georgia
4PM Don't Worry, Gretel, We'll Just Follow the Smell Back Home
Cube rat: Well, change your diaper and move on. That's what I always say.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Back to Work
Data center drone: God! I hate sharing workstations with the night shift. Every day when I come in, my chair smells like ass and the desk smells like armpit. Doesn't [Tim] ever take a bath?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
4PM Customer Service Call
A customer is on speakerphone.
Customer: Which one is the spacebar?
Co-worker: How can you not know where the spacebar is?
Customer: I'm not good with computers.
Co-worker: But you've used a typewriter before, haven't you?
Customer: Yeah, so?
460 Hillside Avenue
Needham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: S. Griffin
1PM Lunch
Employee: I have to go to the restroom and grab a bite to eat.
1800 West Loop South
Houston, Texas
12PM Contact Locksmith
Employee #1: Our VP of Operations locked himself out of his office. He hasn't been able to get in for about an hour now.
Employee #2: Nobody has a spare key?
Employee #1: Nope, and the tool box that we keep here to help in these kinds of situations is locked in his office too.
650 Technology Park
Lake Mary, Florida
2PM If It's on Wiki, It Has to Be True
Lead animator: Did you know Thomas Edison's last creation was a wax phonograph cylinder rendered from his own fat?
Las Cruces, New Mexico
12PM Lunch
Employee #1: What are we collecting for?
Employee #2: Shelly* crashed her car and we are helping her out.
Employee #1: What? Has she never heard of insurance? Uh uh, I ain't putting in!
1046 George Town
Grand Cayman
Overheard by: not throwing in either
9AM Back to Inanity
Employee: Hey, it's The Bobster! I was just out--
Bob: Seriously, why did you just add "the" and "ster" to my name?
27450 Ynez Road
Temecula, California
Overheard by: Jake Glazier
12PM And Location Independent!
Employee on phone: I was just calling to confirm that we can show your house all this weekend. I know you don't usually show on Saturdays, but since you'll be out of town for the weekend, can we show on Saturday also?
Eccentric homeowner: Oh, no! The Sabbath is for eternity!
Real estate office
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: K the Amazing Receptionist
1PM Right Next to the 'Irony' Button
Customer, trying to use his debit card: I gotta push "English"? "Spanish" shouldn't be an option. If they can't speak no English, they ain't got no business being here. Where's the "yes" button at?
Cashier: It's the button that says "yes" on it.
Food Lion
Roanoke, Virginia
12AM Soon, My Friend, Soon...
Female employee: I have to wear shoes with heels because it's seen as "professional."
Male employee: You may as well be wearing a burkha.
11 W. 53rd Street
New York, NY
3PM Why Grant Took Richmond, but Then Gave It Back
Worker bee: Oh, this is an ear. I thought it was something else.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: usual suspect
7AM Is It the Morning After Already?
Employee #1: Oh...I think I peed a little! I have to go check. Be right back.
Employee #2: ...So how did your pee test go?
Employee #1: No, I didn't pee. Maybe it was just discharge.
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Kristen
11AM Cold Calling
Telemarketer: My name is [Adam Randor], ma'am...[Adam Randor], ma'am...Ma'am like madam, madamoiselle...No, my name isn't ma'am...No, my name is [Adam Randor], ma'am...[Adam Randor]. Would Senorita work better?
130 West Canal Street
Winooski, Vermont
Overheard by: Kelly G.
3PM Then They Threw Up and Passed Out
Cube dweller: Yeah, she was having a lot of trouble with the Russians -- they just seemed to get too aggressive.
Chula Vista, California
Overheard by: Amy F.
11AM Number Crunching
Co-worker: Seriously y'all, if people don't start getting my Kennedy assassination references I'm just going to have to leave Accounting.
305 South Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
2PM Team Meeting
Employee: It's called toxic shock syndrome. We have to hurry and finish this meeting.
23133 Outer Drive
Allen Park, Michigan
3PM Cigarette Break
Employee #1: People hate smokers now.
Employee #2: They really do!
Employee #1: We're piranhas.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Patrick
9AM I'm Nauseous Already
Boss: Make sure you wear something nice like that skirt you had on last weekend.
DJ: But what if it's cold outside this weekend?
Boss: Doesn't matter...the Army guys will pull more recruits if you broadcast in something a little revealing. Plus they paid a lot of money for this remote.
1711 Ellis Drive
Valdosta, Georgia
Overheard by: Todd McClure
3PM Finally, Some Downtime
Employee #1 is fixing his hair in the bathroom mirror.
Employee #2: You look handsome today.
The toilet flushes and out comes the firm's president.
President: Do you two want to be alone?
352 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Backup Hard Drive
Employee: Computer is just a fancy word for "solitaire machine."
10 Brookline Place
Brookline, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Look at all that food you have there.
Employee #2: It's going to give me a heart attack, but I love it; especially all the greasy bacon and sausage.
Employee #3: I wish I knew someone who knows CPR in case you have a coronary.
Employee #2: [Sean] and [Gina] are medics, they should know CPR.
Employee #1: What do they know about CPR? They are ambulance drivers.
2727 Walker Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
12AM There's a Worm Pun in Here Somewhere
Employee: I mean really, should he be sending tequila to brokers?
4100 Newport Place
Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Damon J Barron
3PM Team-Building Activities
Paralegal: I hate looking at his face. Ruins my whole day.
Secretary: I know. I want to throw my shoe at him or something.
Paralegal: Ok, but can you make sure I'm there to see it?
overheard by: their boss
100 F Street
Washington, DC
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee #1: I don't believe in God. I believe in ghosts, but not God.
Employee #2: What about aliens?
Employee #1: Oh, totally!
Boss: Don't you guys have something more important to be doing?
Employee #2: I have about 1,000 other things to do. None of them is more important than this.
2223 East Speedway
Tucson, Arizona
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee: Hey! Doesn't your ma get you anything from the Easter bunny?
Supervisor: It's been years since I've gotten anything.
Employee's boy: You live with your mom?
Supervisor: So what? So do you!
Employee's boy: No, I don't.
Supervisor: Huh?...Oh...Ah, shit.
6101 Wetzel Avenue
Fort Carson, Colorado
9AM Back to Work
Manager: So, you're back! How was your vacation?
Contractor: Well, I think I got a lot done.
Peon: That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.
909 A Street
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Barnstable
10AM Sensitivity Class
Employee #1: Yeah, I made out with girls when I was younger.
Employee #2: You did?
Employee #3: No way!
Boss: You know, that's a Jewish thing.
Employee #2: What?
Boss: Yes, a lot of Jewish girls I know have fooled around with their girlfriends or are, you know, lesbians.
6 E. 32nd Street
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Employee #1: Thanks for the coffee. You didn't pee in it or anything, right?
Employee #2: Oh my god, you are like my freaking wife!
101 15th Street
San Francisco, California
4PM Seal Windows
Assistant: Oh my god, your caulk is dripping!
5001 East Harry Street
Wichita, Kansas
2PM Update Parts Price Catalog
Employee #1: Do you know how much these master cylinder gland nuts cost?
Employee #2: What,we are selling the gland nuts by themselves now? They are usually attached to the master cylinder...
Employee #3: I'd say gland nuts attachd to the master cylinder are priceless.
13601 FM 529
Houston, Texas
5PM Cuban Business Customs: The Short Course
Canadian: Is there anything I should know about Cuban business customs before we get started?
Translator: No.
Girl with tray of espressos walks in and hands one to each person.
Canadian: I don't drink coffee.
Translator: You do today.
Cuban Health Ministry
Havana, Cuba
Overheard by: Drank the coffee
7PM That's a Wrap
Analyst: Is it past 6:30 yet?
Associate: Yeah, it's almost 7.
Analyst: Great, I can go back to my cubicle and fart in peace.
1200 F Street NW
Washington, DC
1PM Lunch
Worker: Lemon cod, please. With pasta and--
Server: Pasta's an entree. Not a side.
Worker: Oh, I didn't see it on the entree sign.
Server: That's because it's a side.
9000 Wisconsin Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: Barb
9AM I Can't Deal With These People
Employee #1: What shavers do you use?
Employee #2: I use #1 on the face and #2 on my head
Employee #3: You take #1 to the face and #2 on the head?
251 Consumers Road
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM It's More Humane to Act Like a Jerk Until They Break Up with Me
Dispatcher, deciding whether to continue an affair: I'm not very good at, like, breaking hearts, y'know?
Seattle, Washington
9AM She Prefers Movies About Superheros...Made by Jewish People
Customer: What movie starts next?
Box office girl: That would be Keeping up with the Steins, at 11:55.
Customer: And what's that about?
Box office girl: I believe family problems around the time of the kid's bar mitzvah.
Manager [under her breath]: It's about Jewish people, duh.
Customer: Two for X-Men, please.
510 North Orlando Avenue
Winter Park, Florida
10AM Coffee Break
Employee to uniformed employee: You working today?
UE looks down at shirt: Nope, I'm just a figment of your imagination.
1125 Woodruff Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Roman Fox
11AM Staff Meeting
Employee: Do you always have to act like a child?
Manager: This company is all about innovation. And studies have consistently shown that the most innovative thought comes from the ages of five and under.
31601 Pacific Hwy South
Federal Way, Washington
11AM E-mail Helen
Employee #1: Helen, what's your e-mail address?
Employee #2: H-E-H-E-Q-I-N@[overheard].com
Employee #1: So that's H-E-E-E--
Employee #2: No, H-E-H-E.
Employee #1: Okay, like "hee hee"?
Employee #2: Yes. Q-I--
Employee #1: "Hee hee chin chee"?
Employee #2: No.
1088 Yanan West Road
Shanghai, China
Overheard by: Tom Will
3PM Unless He's in a Small, Enclosed Space -- That's Where He Does His Suicide and His Hurting
Grunt on phone: I have claustrophobia and am not suicidal. I am not going to hurt anybody.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
12PM You Have to Keep Your Pinky Extended
Customer: I have not ordered this product.
Service person: But we have a contract that you have signed.
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: I'm sorry?
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: Would you do it like a gentleman?
Potsdam, Germany
3PM Smoke Break
Peon #1: Why is Laura gone already?
Peon #2: She had some medical stuff done today, I believe through the rectum, so she went home.
1441 West Long Lake Road
Troy, Michigan
3PM Lottery Board: Eeexcellent!
Customer: These ice cream cones and a hundred dollars in lotto tickets.
Store clerk: Okay, $106.39
Customer: What? These ice creams cost six dollars?! What a waste of money! No, I dont want them. What a waste. Seriously! No, no -- just the lotto tickets.
Eastlake Mart
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: kallisti
9AM Since Prison, Martha Stewart Has Become Increasingly Volatile
Cube rat: Hell, we were finding underwear on top of the refrigerator for two weeks.
400 N 5th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
5PM Pssst. They're Talking About Pot.
Prime-time show employee #1: I am going to do some farming after this.
Prime-time show employee #2: I agree. You could use it.
CBS Television City
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: working too late
4PM Mail Thank You Notes
Employee #1: I don't know what to write.
Employee #2: How about, "I'm surprised you cheap skanks chipped in ten bucks a piece"?
Employee #1: ...I was thinking more, "I am sure I will get a lot of use out of this."
327 West Michigan Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
10AM Swing by Trading Floor
Trader: When I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow, my doctor is going to wonder why I have two assholes.
Trader: Lance Armstrong has more balls than I do.
Trader: Why don't I just go to prison? Then I wouldn't have to pay to get fucked in the ass.
50 Broad Street
New York, NY
9AM There's a Morning Wake-up
Employee: What are you doing? Are you okay?
PR Manager: Ugh...Stretching. I slipped on the subway this morning.
Employee: Oh, it looks like you're trying to...never mind.
11 Hanover Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Deliverables Assessment
Employee: Is that why you broke up? No lobster, no nookie... I really didn't mean to say that so loud.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
1PM Lunch
Staff #1: Does anyone know what that sign refers to?
Senior Associate: Which one?
Staff #1: The one that says "2121 Lunch E On".
Staff #2: Did you just say "Lunch E On"?
Staff #1: Well, what does it say?
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Ten Kay
10AM Arrange Car for Mr. Wonder
Publicist: It was amazing. Stevie could do everything. He could leave his apartment, go to the elevator, everything.
Proofer: Wow. He didn't even need a cane?
Publicist: Of course not; he's not that old.
1438 North Gower Street
Los Angeles, California
5PM Luckily We Do...for Four Days!
Customer: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Vietnam?
Employee: Um...no?
2063 Camden Avenue
San Jose, California
4PM Urgent Private Meeting
Employee: Why didn't anyone tell your boss he's wearing two shoes of different colors?
1 Centre Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: radiomaven
11AM You Know Something Is Happening but You Don't Know What It Is, Do You, Dr. Stewart?
Announcer on PA system: Dr. Stewart*, please call 5-5-2-0; Dr. Stewart, 5-5-2-0.
Dr. Stewart, over the PA system a few minutes later: Whomever needed Dr. Stewart, I don't know who you are and I didn't hear that number, so call me at-- [pause]. Oh, shit, I don't know what number this is. Wait... Okay, so just page me again with that number... [Pause] You mean everyone can hear me? Fuck.
Arizona
Overheard by: Seriously glad I'm not his patient
2PM I Wondered What James Stockdale Was Up To These Days
Operator: Thank you for calling Bayshore Medical Insurance*; how can I assist?
Caller: So who are you?
Operator: We're an insurance company.
Caller: And what do you do?
Operator: We help you with your insurance.
Caller: I don't understand.
Operator: Well, your boss gives you benefits for working there, and our job is to help you use your benefits.
Caller: I don't have any benefits! I never signed up for this! Did my boss tell you to call me? Is he trying to set me up? Who told you to call me?
Operator: Sir, you called me.
Market Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: The Man
1PM Design Meeting
Designer to photo researcher: Try to find a nice child abuse shot.
10801 N. MoPac Expressway
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: always listening
2PM Tonight on WWE Smackdown: Clash of the Bureaucrats!
FBI agent: Excuse me, I'm an investigator for the FBI. I would like a copy of a student's transcript.
Registrar: Ok. You need to pay a $7 transcript fee.
FBI agent: Uh. I don't think I need to pay that. I'm an investigator for the FBI.
Registrar: Everybody has to pay for a transcript.
FBI agent: I think I will have to speak to your supervisor.
Registrar: I'm sorry, but that's what the sign says.
John Jay College of Criminal Justice, 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Waiting next in line
1PM You Mean The Devil Wears Pirates?
Co-Worker on phone: I feel like seeing a movie. Okay, what's it called?...Who wears Prada?...Fidelo?
330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
5PM That's a Wrap
Telemarketing lady: There'll be no laughing in this office. That's right, no levitation.
121 Monmouth Street
Red Bank, NJ
Overheard by: Heidi Schwartz
12PM Conference Call
Office Manager: Well, I'm done with my conference call.
Employee: That wasn't very long.
Office Manager: Sorry about that. I aim to satisfy.
132 East Central Avenue
Lake Wales, Florida
4PM The Quality-Control Spies Never Catch Anyone with This Question
Customer: Do you sell cards?
Hallmark employee: Yes. Yes, we do.
The Hallmark Store
Manhattan, Kansas
Overheard by: Fellow Hallmark Employee
11AM Thought I'd Rob Your Punk Ass, Is Why
Employee: Can I help you find something?
Customer: No, you don't have it.
Employee: Then why are you still here?
Northgate Mall
Seattle, Washington
5PM Are You Sure You Don't Mean Joseph Smith?
Voice over loudspeaker: John Smith, please report to baggage claim to meet your wife and girlfriend. John Smith to baggage claim, meet your wife and girlfriend.
Oakland Airport
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Meg
9AM Stay in My Cube Today
Auditorium worker: ...she has shelves full of them. If you visit her she goes on and on about all her Hummels. And for each Hummels she has some goddamn story to go along with it. Bores you to death. That's why I don't go over there.
700 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: 2qrs
11AM Tech Support
Woman on cell: Well, when I get to my office, I'll turn on my computer and run through what you did, to see what may be wrong with your computer. [pause] No, Mom, I can't get onto your computer from my computer.
3301 Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
11AM Annual Review
Employee: I think I've done pretty well, considering when I came here I didn't know anything.
31 Park of Commerce Way
Savannah, Georgia
12PM Fix the Internet
Flunky #1: The internet is broken.
Flunky #2: What's wrong?
Flunky #1: I can't get to any sites.
3001 Broadway Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees
Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don't have those.
Customer: But it's right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that's what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it's exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I'll just have a salad.
Employee: I'll be right back. [Goes in back room.]
Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm... No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn't about you.
Customer: Ok...
Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
11AM Corporate Suicide Bombers
Employee: No one saw who took my chair? I hope I have crabs.
345 Broadway
New York City
12PM Call Building Maintenance
Coordinator: Is it like really hot in here, or am I having early menopause?
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Why Rome Fell
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn't that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
2PM Once You Hear the Phrase 'Tore My Ass Muscle,' the Worst Is Almost Certainly Over
Female employee: Are you limping?
Male employee: Yeah, I tore my ass muscle again.
Female admin: Just stop right there, I don't want to hear anymore.
84 Newbury Street
Peabody, Massachusetts
10AM And She Keeps Track of What STDs I Have
Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um... aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I've got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What's her name?
Customer: Don't know -- all I know is my wife is in Seattle.
Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Other Cashier
11AM Before I Put It in Mothballs For the Summer
Warehouse worker: You look nice today. You going somewhere after this?
Girl in dress: No, I just wanted to air out my vagina.
Emeryville, California
Overheard by: warehouse peon
11AM Wait 'til He Discusses "Rectifying" the Situation
Presenter, during company-wide meeting: As this slide demonstrates, the company did it in arrears. [Giggling from the back, and presenter sighs.] Yes, your mom and I did it in arrears. Moving on...
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Christin
1PM Or Give Us Little Cuts with Value Rewards Cards
Cashier: Do you have a value rewards card?
Girl: No.
Cashier: Would you like to sign up for a value rewards card?
Girl: No, thank you.
Cashier: Sorry, we have to ask or they take us out back and beat us.
Pentagon City Mall
Arlington, Virginia
1PM Not Why I Went to Law School, But What Are Ya Gonna Do?
Criminal defense attorney: Leave me alone. I have to get back to work.
Peon: Why is that?
Criminal defense attorney: I have a client that might actually be innocent.
39 South LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Clearly Not Enough to Forget That It Happened
Employee #1: Did you go out this weekend?
Employee #2: Not really.
Employee #1: I tried this new drink. The bartender said it was a 'cum shot.'
Employee #2: How many drinks did it take before you did that?
Monroe Avenue
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: did you brush your teeth?
3PM C'mon, I'll Drive You Over to It
Employee: I can take you right to the landscaping section. Let's take the elevator here.
Customer: Boy, you really like to pamper these fat-assed people, huh. You know Texas is one of the fattest states in the nation? Don't you have stairs?
Employee: We have an escalator.
1217 W State Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
