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Dumb Customers (Best Of) All Categories > People > Dumb Customers
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12PM Only Under the Table
Customer: Do you sell cheeseburgers?
Jewelry store
Sydney
Australia
9AM Their Business Model Is Predicated on It
Customer on phone: The plug won't fit!
IA rep: It's okay, sir. I just need to confirm that the first device plugged into our router is either a firewall or a computer.
Customer on phone: They... They just won't connect!
IA rep: We're looking for an Ethernet line. Is there an Ethernet line coming out of the router? Make sure not to plug or unplug anything. It will take down your voice, too.
Customer on phone: It's some telephone thingy... Oh, wait! This cord might work-- [click].
IA rep: We got another one.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
1PM A Career in Bioethics Is Waiting for You!
Auto salesman: When are you due?
Young woman: Two weeks. I can't wait for this to be over.
Auto salesman: This is just the beginning! The baby is much more work.
Young woman: No, I mean, I can't wait to not be such a fatass. I hate fat people.
Auto salesman: Uh-huh.
Young woman: Can you imagine how many people get abortions because they don't want to be fat?
Auto salesman, after long pause: I can honestly say that no, I cannot imagine that.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Purely horrified
2PM And What about Graverobbers? Sometimes They'll Kill You Just to Get Your Jewelry
Girl #1: It's so scary hearing about people dying.
Girl #2: Yeah, totally... You can die from so many things. You can die from death, sickness...
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: elle
11AM Even a Dumb Chick Is Right Once Every Thousand Years
Bimbette #1: Like, what's a millennium?
Bimbette #2: I think it's, like, when the year changes or something.
Video store,
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: A Thousand Years of Blondes
1PM I Once Was Lost, but Now Am TBD
24-year-old hotel suit: Excuse me, sir, can I help you find something?
Meeting attendee, wandering around: Yes! Where is room TBD?!
Fancy hotel
Rosemont, Illinois
Overheard by: Jaw dropping in disbelief
5PM Paris Latsis Needs to Work on His Game
Customer: So, yeah, the wedding's off. I just couldn't deal with her mother, you know?
Salesgirl: Totally.
Customer: She was just always sticking her nose into our business -- we couldn't get a moment of peace.
Salesgirl: Yeah.
Customer: And then, of course, [my wife] goes and tells her about my impotence, and it all went downhill from there.
Salesgirl: God. Well, you did the right thing. Just hang in there.
Customer: Mmm. Anyway, it was really nice meeting you, Julie*.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
9AM If At First You Don't Succeed, Lower Your Standards
Drunk chick: Hey, bartender! Did anyone ever tell you you look like Luke from Gilmore Girls?
Bartender: No. What's Gilmore Girls?
Drunk chick: It's a show on TV. You should look it up. [To guy standing next to her] Hey, you look like this guy in this porn I have!
Dickson Street
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: laughing into my beer
12PM And What about the Lady Who Told Me It Would Be 2,880 Minutes?
CSR: Yes, if you do your payment online it can take two business days to post.
Customer: The other person told me 48 hours! Which one is it? I'm always given different information!
411 Smithfield Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: mrswackado
11AM Much Easier to Swallow Than Madonna
Cashier: Will this be all?
Lady: I also want one Kabbalah. [Cashier looks at her, puzzled.] This dessert [points into case].
Cashier: Baklava, ma'am.
Port of Piraeus Café, 13th Street NW
Washington, DC
10AM Things Don't Always Go Smoothly at Karl Rove's House
Customer support rep: Okay, let's take a look at the installation instructions.
Customer: You mean that little book? That looked like documentation so I threw it away.
Fairfax, Virginia
10AM Wow, You Must Be the Coolest Cracker in Arizona
Guy: I used to work in an inner city office.
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yeah, I learned lots of words from them. Like 'booyah'. It means 'good.' Like, 'That is booyah!'
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: The Intern
9AM Last Month This Big Girl Sat on My Head
Stylist: How do you want your hair?
Customer: Short on the sides and blended with no weight line. I don't want to look like a circumcised penis.
Great Clips
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Yeah - one is enough
1PM The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed
Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won't be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.
50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: We'll sell it tomorrow
5PM We Present: An Instant Customer Service Classic
Customer: Why are you billing me for this stuff?
CSR: Did you make the purchases on your credit card statement?
Customer: Yes, but I already paid for them. I used my credit card.
CSR: Yes, but now you have to pay your credit card bill.
Customer: That's stupid. Why would I pay for something twice?
4325 17th Avenue S.
Fargo, North Dakota
1PM He Gets Smarter When He Drinks
Frat boy: Gimme something like a whiskey sour but dont put Jack Daniels or anything like that in it. I dont like whiskey!
Bartender: Well what you want in it instead of whiskey?
Frat boy: Use Jim Beam, I fucking love Jim Beam!
Evolution Nightclub
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Melvin
2PM You Should See the Water Sports Department
Female coworker: What are Dick's?
Male coworker: Oh, Dick's are huge!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Meghan
9AM Keeps Trying to Have the Bakery Slice Her Dog
Assistant manager: Ma'am, you can't bring that puppy in here. We're going to have to ask you to leave.
Lady carrying puppy: What? It's a goddamn puppy! Suck my dick!
Assistant manager: You're going to have to leave.
Lady carrying puppy, leaving: Fuck you, bitches!
Assistant manager, cheerfully: Goodbye! Shop again!
7747 Mall Road
Florence, Kentucky
10AM Make Sure They Put It in a Box
Pizza worker: Hello, XYZ Pizza* -- will this be for pick up or delivery?
Customer: Delivery, but we will come in to pay for it.
Pizza worker: Pardon me? Do you want your order delivered or will you pick it up?
Customer, to someone in background: Do you want to just pick the food up if we are going in there anyways? [Into phone] I guess we will pick the food up.
Lackawanna, New York
3PM Exactly Why I Asked
Passenger: What time does the five o'clock bus leave?
Bus driver, sarcastically: I don't know.
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Another bus driver
12PM I'm More Interested in the Idea of Cheese
Customer: I would like a cheeseburger but with no cheese.
Cashier: So you want a simple hamburger?
Customer: No! A cheeseburger with no cheese!
Fast food restaurant
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: burger lover
11AM Show 'em How an American Works Himself to Death
American client: Aren't we supposed to receive last month's results soon?
French staffer: Normally, yes, but Easter was only last Sunday.
American client: So?
French staffer: Well, it means we're only in the first week of a two-week holiday. So everything will be ready in three weeks.
American client: What? Do those fucking socialist dicksippers really have two weeks off for Easter?! You know, when I retire I'm going to work in France.
125 West 55th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jean val Jean
5PM Enough with the N Word
Clerk: What is your license plate number?
Customer: Five, T like 'Tom,' N like 'Knife,' L like 'Lion*,' five, two, seven*.
Clerk: N like 'knife'?
Customer: That's right!
DMV
Virginia
9AM Could You at Least Connect Me to I.C. Weiner?
Call center agent: I'm sorry, but for international calls, you'll have to contact your zero operator for information.
Customer: You can't help me?
Call center agent: No, I only provide listings in North America.
Customer: What?
Call center agent: I am a 4-1-1 operator. You need the zero operator.
Customer: What's the difference?
Call center agent, sighing: The zero operator can help you. I cannot.
Customer: So you're useless?
Call center agent: In this case, I am completely useless to you, yes.
Customer, to friend in same room: Hahahaha! She admitted she was useless!
Call center agent: [Slooow exhale.]
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
3PM And That's How Daddy Lost His Ear
Eight-year-old boy looking at DVD: Carnival.
Father: Read that again.
Eight-year-old boy: Car... Carb... Cannibal.
Father: Yeah, that means 'meat eater.'
Eight-year-old boy, after pause: Another word for that is 'carnivore.'
Father: Oh, I guess that actually means, 'One who eats their own'. [Longer pause] You know, once at a job site I was working at we had a guy who was arrested and taken away for cannibalism... But that wasn't in America.
Video Store, 5600 Bigger Road
Kettering, Ohio
5PM That's the Last Time I Try Barium As a Weight-Loss Drink
Librarian: Your card is locked because there appears to be ketchup or chocolate milk all over this book you returned. You have to pay for a replacement.
Patron: It's vomit. I don't do chocolate milk.
Librarian: You still have to pay.
Public library
Park Ridge, New Jersey
Overheard by: Part Time Librarian
1PM No.
Customer: Can I have one of these items that is in a box?
Employee: Of course [retrieves item].
Customer: Can you check to make sure it isn't broken?
Employee: No problem! [Cuts tape and opens box.]
Customer: Great! Now, can I have one that hasn't been opened?
670 University Avenue
Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island
Canadia
Overheard by: Shaking Head in Disbelief
1PM One That Can Be Cured by Exorcise
Sorority girl in Spanish class: 'Diabolico...' That means he's diabetic, right?
Classmate: No, it means diabolic.
Sorority girl: So, diabolic... Is that like a medical condition?
Modern Languages building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
5PM I'll Connect You with the Delphic Oracle
Manager answering phone: XYZ Company*. Can I help you?
Caller: Accounts Receivable, please.
Manager: Do you have a general billing question or is this regarding a specific invoice?
Caller: Exactly.
Manager: [Silence.]
1306 Dahlgren Avenue
Washington, DC
10AM God: 'I'd Like to Return This Woman, Please'
Customer: Hi, I'd like to make a return.
Cashier: Ok, do you have your receipt?
Customer: Yeah, here it is.
Cashier, after looking at receipt for a few seconds: Ma'am, this is from Walgreens.
Customer: Oh...[looks around the store in bewilderment] Where am I?
Longs Drugs
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
12PM He Spells 'Foxtrot' with a 'Ph'
Employee: Thanks for calling iTransact, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I'd like to cancel my account, please.
Employee: No problem, sir. Can I have your name, please?
Customer: Yes, it's 'Frank.' That's 'F' as in 'Frank,' R-A-N-K.
Farmington, Utah
9AM The Company Requires Me to Invoke the Snooze-You-Lose Provision
Customer: I didn't realize that I was eligible for this discount!
CSR: Well, we talk about the discount right on the cover letter.
Customer: Well, it's not right on the application!
CSR: We can't put it on the application, but sir, it's right there in the second paragraph of the cover letter.
Customer: But some of us are lazy and don't read the cover letter!
CSR: I'm not trying to be rude, but we can't help it if you don't read what we send you.
181 West Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Now Hop on One Foot While I Take Your Wallets
Inspirational speaker: The left side of the brain in charge of your creative process, so when you don't feel inspired, take a deep breath closing your right nostril with your finger so all the air goes only and directly to the left side of your brain...
Audience, while inhaling as told: Wow...
Miami, Florida
3PM US Falls to Last Place in Math Internationally
Guest: I want some popcorn shrimp.
Waitress: Do you want a half pound or three-quarter pound?
Guest: I'll have the half pound. It's bigger, so we can share.
206 West Franklin Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: HazyJay
5PM At the Urban Legend Semifinals
Assistant #1: Did you know that one of the ingredients in gum is coyote urine?
Assistant #2: Did you know that there's something in cat urine that causes schizophrenia?
Buckhead Loop
Atlanta, Georgia
12PM That Guy Under the Table Is Actually Just Booting
Waitress: Hi guys, are you ready to order?
Frat boy: Oh, we're not gay!
Diner, West College Avenue
State College, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: 3rd Shift
4PM But Will It Affect My Tan?
Customer squinting at 'No cell phones' sign: Why do we have to turn off our cell phones? What happens if you use them in the tanning bed?
Tanning consultant: You'll die.
222 Plaza, 5th Street Highway
Pennsylvania
11AM The Problem with Pre-Programmed Social Banalities
Telephone salesperson: May I please speak to Eric Smith*?
Receptionist: He doesn't work here any more, can I take a message?
Telephone salesperson: No, that's okay, I'll call him back.
1270 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian
9AM When the Original Stanley Died, I Got His Name Tag
Customer: ... And before I go, can I get your name, Stanley*?
Stanley, the salesman: Um... Well, it's... Stanley.
Canton, Michigan
10AM Yes, in Prairie Schooners
Travel agent: Where were you looking to take a cruise to?
Client: Do they have cruises to Las Vegas?
Proctor Street
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: potitia
5PM Lloyd Never Accepted the Constraints of the English Language
Man: Do you have the movie Upside Down?
Cashier: Let me check. Um, no.
Man: The one about the two guys on the wine tour.
Cashier: You mean Sideways?
Man: Yeah, that one.
Cashier: It's under 'S' on the wall.
Man, to his friend: It's under "S" with Psycho.
Video store
Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: emily
3PM It's a Free-Range Office
Client: Is it North or South of Route 24?
Manager: Well, that depends on where you're coming from.
Client: Oh, really? How does that work?
Huntington, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech support: Can you tell if it's an Ethernet cable or a phone cable?
Customer: How do I tell?
Tech support: Well, if you hold it up to the cable attached to your phone and you look at the plug, if it looks the same, you've got a phone cable. If it's bigger, it's probably Ethernet.
Customer: Oh cool. Let me look.
Tech support: WAIT! [dial tone]
711 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM And Then Self-Righteously Denying It
Angry man about faulty hard drive: Don't tell me it's empty when there's shit on it! Shit is shit and empty is empty! This thing is lying to me like the White House!
Electronics store, 2721 East 3rd Street
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Tony
2PM Urge to Know Fading... Fading...
Library patron: Can you help me? I don't remember how to turn the computers on.
Employee: Well, this one's already on, see? [Wiggles mouse to activate screen.]
Library patron: Oh... What about this one? I don't like that one.
Employee: Well, this one's off, so I'll turn it on [presses power button].
Library patron: Ah, so they each have a little trick. What about this one? [Proudly swishes mouse.]
Employee, frustrated: No, see, if the green light is off, then you press the button.
Library patron: Whatever you say...
130 Wall Street
New Haven, Connecticut
12AM Finally, Someone Explained TP to Me!
Customer: So where in the instruction manual does it tell me to save the receipt?
Customer Service Rep.: You're kidding me, right? You mean to say that you have to be told to save your receipt?
Customer: Yes, I do.
Customer Service Rep.: So, if you were to go out and buy a roll of toilet paper, it would have to say "Tear here, wipe there" or else you wouldn't know how to use it? Because both are pretty much common sense, sir.
835 41st Street
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: christiana (while doing remote observations on customer service calls)
1PM Not That We Were Expecting Bloody Geniuses
Client: I've talked to some of these people applying online. They're a little scary -- it's not like they're Menses candidates.
Portland, Oregon
4PM I'm Worried about How She'll Take the News
Nurse to patient after pregnancy test: Congratulations on your new arrival. Are you excited?
Patient: Yeah. I'm just in shock. I mean, I can't believe my sister is going to be an aunt!
616 Court Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Vicky
9AM As All Brooklyn Welfare Mothers Know, Nails Are More Important than Parenting
Ghetto woman: I'm only here because I got a gift certificate. I hate Manhattan. I never come here. I can't stand it. Everyone is just so rude. All the time. So rude. I would never be able to keep my mouth shut to some of these people.
Nail technician: Where do you work?
Ghetto woman: Over here, at sixth and 23rd. I hate it though. That's why I live out in the county.
Nail technician: Oh! Where do you live?
Ghetto woman: Brooklyn. Tommy! Sit still in that chair for godsakes!!
14th St & 6th Ave
New York City
Overheard by: seriously?
10AM Next You'll Be Claiming People Lived in Mexico Before the Spanish Colonized It!
Customer: That's a pretty name. Different.
Cashier: Yeah, you don't see it much up here. It's Mexican.
Customer: Don't you mean it's Spanish?
Cashier: No, it's Mexican in origin.
Customer: Racist.
Sprague and Sullivan
Spokane, Washington
Overheard by: It's this whole other country
9AM How I Became a Video Store Clerk
Customer: I need to talk to a manager about just erasing all of my late fees. Because, um, I'm never going to be able to pay those off.
Hollywood Video, Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: queenofsarab
10AM Stigmata Don't Just Come to You, You Have to Work for Them
Associate: You need something?
Woman: Yeah, maybe you know. Which are the nails they used to crucify Christ with?
Associate: ... Uh, maybe these?
Woman: Right. I don't think those are the ones I'm looking for, but you're on the right track.
Home Depot
Virginia
Overheard by: Sara
3PM The Ancient Greek Goddess of Menstruation
Library patron: Do y'all know where this book is?
Library employee: Try looking by periodicals.
Library patron: Who?
100 Decatur Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Jebediah
11AM The Best I Can Offer Is a Latex Glove Full of Frosting
Courtesy clerk: Can I help you find something, sir?
Male customer: Yes. I need condoms and cake right now! If I can't get one tonight, I need the other. Can you hurry?
Grocery store
California
Overheard by: Daphne
4PM His Sensitivity Might Be Better Appreciated at Country Curtains
Guy to his wife: Hey... look at this guy's picture on the wall. He looks like he is miserable and doesn't like being at work.
Home Depot Employee whose picture is on the wall: That was taken on a bad hair day!
Man: Oh... sorry. Where would you find paint?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Home Depot Shopper
2PM The Same Secret Shopper Works for Hallmark
Employee: Thank you for calling Jimmy's Pizza.
Customer: Hi, yes, do you serve pizza there?
Employee: ... Uhhh, yeah... Yes, we do.
4th Street
Albany, Minnesota
Overheard by: Keira
12PM When You've Had that Many 'Shrooms, who Can be Sure?
BK guy: What did you do this weekend?
BK girl: I went to Ohio for a concert.
BK guy: Ohio? You went all the way over by California for a concert?
BK girl: Ummm... No...
Burger King, Rhode Island
9AM Learn to See Delay as a Gift of Time
Tech: Are you all set on the pdf server now?
Client: Yes, I think so. Is it supposed to be so fugging slow uploading pdfs onto the ftp site?
Tech: Yup! That's a feature.
Client: Neat. Thanks.
111 South 1st Avenue
Wausau, Wisconsin
3PM Which Means I Don't Understand the Question
Mortgage rep: And, finally, may I ask you what race you are? Caucasian, African-American...
Customer: I'm Canadian.
Fairfield County, Connecticut
1PM Error! Error! Does...Not...Compute...Error!
Female customer: Excuse me, what is this?
Guy behind counter: It's gazpacho soup.
Female customer: But it's cold.
Guy behind counter: It's supposed to be served chilled.
Female customer: But you said it was soup.
Hospital cafeteria
New York, New York
12PM What Happens When You Use Google China
Office manager: Civil War Battlefield Protection, how can I help you?
Woman on phone: Yes, I'm trying to find information on the Civil War and I just can't.
Office manager: Well, have you tried the internet?
Woman: Yes, I typed "Civil War" into Google and NOTHING comes up on the Civil War.
Office manager: ...Really?
Woman: Yes... so can you tell me who was in the Civil War?
Office manager: That would be the northern states and the southern states.
Woman: Not the British?
Office manager: Um, that was the Revolutionary War.
13th Street & H Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Astonished
11AM Weigh It, and Subtract the Weight of an Empty Bottle
Customer: These new labels are awful. Just awful! Why did you change them? I hate them.
Pharmacist: I'm sorry, sir, but I don't have any control over the labels.
Customer: They don't even tell me when it's time to refill my 'scription. When am I supposed to refill my 'scription?
Pharmacist: ... When you run out of medication, sir.
Customer: Well, how in the hell am I supposed to know that?
CVS/Pharmacy
High Point, North Carolina
4PM Okay, Everybody Charge Things to This Dude!
Cashier: ... And do you have your Hudson's Bay credit card with you today?
Gangster #1: My what?
Cashier: HBC credit card. It's gold.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man. I think so. Uhhh... Is this it?
Cashier: No, that's your MasterCard. I'm looking for the HBC card, if you have it.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man, HBC! They always be sendin' me bills in the mail and shit, you know, and I don't even know why!
Gangster #2: Dude, that's HSBC. That's the bank.
Gangster #1: Oh.
Gangster #2: You don't even know the difference, do you?
Gangster #1: Not really. So, like, one has an S and one doesn't have an S, right? Is that it?
Gangster #2: No, it's completely different.
Gangster #1: Well, so what, man? I still gotta pay the bills whether it has an S or whether it don't have an S, right?
Zellers Lansdowne Mall
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
11AM Personally, I Mastered the Whole Fork-to-Mouth Thing over a Year Ago
Blonde: Oh, you can't make the appointment tomorrow?
Older lady: No, I have a rehearsal dinner tomorrow.
Blonde: Oh, wow! What play are you in?
Older lady: No, a rehearsal dinner is for a wedding.
Blonde: Oh! ... Why do you have to rehearse dinner?
Westport Road
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Glad I'm not blonde
11AM Please Hold It Up So I Can See It
CSR: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I'm calling about my bill.
CSR: OK, which bill are you calling about?
Customer: The one I received.
3445 North M-291 Highway
Independence, Missouri
4PM He's Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn't Know It
Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don't pay by the due date, you'll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?
Citibank
Toronto, Canada
Overheard by: Citi Slicker
2PM Why Did We Even Come in Here?
Gay customer: Excuse me, [points to employee] is that man gay?
Clerk: I'm not sure
Gay customer: He comes off as gay.
Clerk: I guess...
Gay customer, turning to boyfriend: I wouldnt bang him, would you?
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Thus, He Probably Overcharged for His Chuppahs
Employee #1: Well, we already live together.
Employee #2: Oooh, living in sin!
Employee #3: Jesus won't be happy with you.
Employee #1: Well, I'm Jewish, so Jesus already isn't too happy with me.
Employee #3: That's true.
Employee #1: I think when I get married under a chuppah, he might get upset!
Employee #2: Jesus was Jewish, though.
Employee #3: Jesus was also a carpenter.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
4PM I Thought I Told You Never to Call Here Again
Caller: That's 'A' as in 'elbow'...
400 Main Street
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Bewildered
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer: Is Office 2003 the latest version of Office that's out?
Salesperson: Yeah, they most likely won't come out with a new version until Vista is released, which should be about the end of the year.
Customer: What's that?
Salesperson: Vista?
Customer: Yeah, Rista? What is that? Is that the new Office?
Salesperson: No, Vista is the new operating system that's coming out. Last I heard Microsoft was planning to release it near the end of this year.
Customer: Microsoft's going to sell computers now?
Salesperson: No, Vista is the operating system that gets installed on computers. It's what makes your computer run.
Customer: Oh, yeah, I knew that already. Are you going to be carrying Microsoft's new computers?
Willard Building
State College, Pennsylvania
1PM But Don't You Need to Know My Lineage?
Caller: Yes, I would like to confirm my reservation for tonight. My surname is Tango Anglo-Saxon, Newfoundland--
Receptionist: Um, sir, you lost me at 'Tango.' Can I just have the first three letters of your last name?
Kinzie and State Streets
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Working Reception
Obese hillbilly: Yeah, my girl come to get a pregnancy test.
Older Southern lady: I see.
Obese hillbilly: I told her if she would just let me go fishing more we wouldn't be dealing with this shit.
Thomas County Health Department
Thomasville, Georgia
11AM Miss Anna Phylactic's Shocking Lunch
Young lady: Are there nuts in the apple walnut salad?
Dining companion, sarcastically: No, it's a new type of apple.
Young lady: Good, because I'm allergic to nuts, and I really want that salad.
Waiter: Do you want the half salad or the whole?
858 Tittabawassee Road
Saginaw, Michigan
Overheard by: Herodotus420
5PM In Death Everyone Gets a Little Classier
Laywer: So you were locked in a room that had a gas leak?
Client: Yeah. Man, we was trying to get out quick as we could. I mean, if we didn't make it out when we did, we could've been sophisticated!
Lawyer: Asphyxiated?
Client: Whatever.
Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM And Then I Said, 'When in Rome'
Man: And I said, 'I think you've taken me to the wrong place. It's full of naked men...'
Princeton, New Jersey
10AM Filed in the Necrophiliac Section? Incompetent Bastards.
Chick: What is this, pedophile music?
Munkegata, Oslo
Norway
10AM Stocking the Shelves
Lady: Where are the eggs?
Sales rep at grocery store: I'm sorry, I don't work here.
Lady, turning to husband: She doesn't speak English.
Sales rep: No ma'am, I don't work here.
1300 Elmhurst Road
Des Plaines, Illinois
4PM Second Shift
Customer: What's the difference between fiction and nonfiction? I always forget.
Dumbfounded coworker: Ummmm, nonfiction is true and fiction isn't.
Next customer. . .
Coworker: Hi, do you need help?
Customer: Yeah, are we on the east coast or the west coast?
Dumfounded coworker: east coast [rolls eyes].
Customer: Then why do you sell books on west coast birds?
Angry manager: Because people like to go on vaction to bird watch.
Customer: That's stupid. I don't even know why my wife wants to look at these stupid birds anyway.
Angry manager to dumbfounded coworker: It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?
Dumbfounded coworker: Yeah, all the retards are out tonight.
425 Jerico Turnpike
Syosset, New York
3PM Customer Service
Telephone sales rep at airline company: The flight leaves at 10:30.
... No, TEN THIRTY.
... No, TEN... THIRTY...
... It leaves at ten thirty, yeah.
... no... ten THIRTY..."
... at half past ten..."
... No. No. No... It leaves at TEN THIRTY!
... Half eleven, half past ten, ten THIRTY!
... Yes!
... Would you like to make a reservation?
... a reservation..?
... Would you like to reserve a seat?
[Long pause.]
... I have not made a reservation, would you like me to make one for you now?
... At the TEN THIRTY flight?
... Yeah, TEN THIRTY...
... No, you have NO RESERVATION!
... DO. YOU. WISH. TO. MAKE. A. RESERVATION?
... No, you have no reservation.
... You have NO RESERVATION!!!
... SHALL I RESERVE A SEAT?
... THERE IS NO RESERVATION MADE!
[Finally caves]
Have a nice flight, madam... Yes, ten thirty. Bye.
The Arken-building
Oernskoeldsvik, Sweden
2PM And the Lightbulb in My Head Burned Out Years Ago!
Customer on speakerphone about SUN Microsystems software: ... And powered by the sun, eh? [Pause] Oh, wait, but I don't have much daylight in my apartment...
7795 West Flagler Street
Miami, Florida
3PM It's Been Separated from the Fruits of Its Labor
Customer on phone: How come my phone doesn't work?
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM So How Far Is That From Maryland?
Woman: I want to send a money order.
Teller: Is it going out of state?
Woman: No. It's not.
Teller: Where are you sending it?
Woman: Chicago.
Teller: That's out of state.
Woman: It is?!
Bank
Southfield, Michigan
Overheard by: Next in line
3PM I'd Like to Pay for It with Monopoly Money
Customer: Do you have The Odyssey in the original Latin?
Haste Street and Telegraph Avenue
Berkeley, California
5PM And So You Can Shop Without Being Able to Count
Shopper #1: Like, look at this credit card. The numbers are raised. I wonder why they do that.
Shopper #2: It's like Braille or something. They do it so blind people can read the numbers.
Oviedo Marketplace Mall
Oviedo, Florida
4PM He's Looking for Something with Souvenir Merchandise
Tourist: Do you have any Opera?
Employee: We have The Marriage of Figaro.
Tourist: Hmmm, no. What about Lion King?
TKTS booth, Leicester Square
London
England
9AM Superhero Question Man Had Trouble Making Friends
Customer: Hi! Are you a horticulturalist?
Clerk: Yes.
Customer: Were is your washroom?
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Counter Guy
3PM And Not All of Our Patrons Can Read
Diner: Why is it that whenever 'sour cream' appears on your menu, it has an asterisk beside it?
Waiter, condescendingly: Because those dishes have sour cream in them.
800 Block, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
3PM Dude, That's a Cable Spool
Stoner: I don't like tables, but that is one damn fine-looking table! I mean, when I have people over, and they're looking for something to sit on, I give them a milk crate. Milk crates for everyone!
Philly AIDS Thrift, 514 Bainbridge Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Herbie McHebrew
1PM The Ability to Arrive at a Logical Conclusion Is Not Widely Distributed in the Population
Girl #1: There is so much secondhand smoke here that it's going to kill us eventually.
Girl #2: That's for sure!
Girl #1: It's okay, though. I have life insurance.
Local bar
Burlington, North Carolina
Overheard by: Bartender Snickering Nearby
12PM Usher: At Last! Someone Who Needs Me!
Employee handing customer a ticket: Enjoy your movie.
Customer: Where do I go?
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida
2PM Around Here We Call It 'Napalm'
Customer: I know you wouldn't carry Jell-O, but do you have something exactly like it but called something else?
Whole Foods
Silver Spring, Maryland
5PM Somebody Hit His 'Reset' Button
CSR: Do you know your son's name? Your secret question is "What is your son's name?" Do you know your son's name?
Person resetting password: No, ma'am, I don't know what that is either.
Mishawka, Indiana
1PM Despite What You May Have Heard
Thrift store connoisseur: Well, I don't like underwear with stains anyway...
19043 Wentworth Avenue
Lansing, Illinois
Overheard by: Rusti
11AM Would You Like to Adopt Me?
Employee: Can I have your first and last name?
Customer: I don't have one.
715 Jefferson Street
Wausau, Wisconsin
4PM Diagnosis: Stupidity, Aggravated by Shame
Caller: I was trying to complete my request with your voice automated system, but it would not accept my diagnosis code.
Phone rep: Okay... what is your diagnosis code?
Caller: Oh... I don't have a diagnosis code.
201 West Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Juice
1PM What Do You Have to Do Around Here to Get Some Freaking Champagne?!
Employee: Can I help you find something?
Customer: I'm looking for a red wine.
Employee: Cabernet, pinot noir, shiraz?
Customer: No, I want a red wine.
1017 East Main Street
Radford, Virginia
11AM I Think We Can Do Even Better
Lady customer: I need a phone that'll work all year -- all three hundred sixty-two days.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: Stephen
12PM Lunch
Food service worker: What type of soda would you like today?
Female customer: Large.
Food service worker: Yes, mam'm. But what type or flavor did you want?
Female customer: I said large.
Food service worker: Yes, ma'am. Diet Coke? Sprite? Coke? What type?
Female customer: Are you fucking stupid or something? Large. A large soda. How many times do I have to tell you?
San Diego Mall Food Court
San Diego, California
5PM They're Bringing the Hat with a Buckle Back
Old hag customer: Isn't that one of those pilgrims from just South of here? She's ugly as sin.
Bimbette clerk: Oh my god! There are still pilgrims alive? And they live there? That explains so much about the Indian reservation being just down the road.
562 East Main Street
Louisville, Mississippi
Overheard by: Doesn't Work There Anymore
3PM Certainly, Sir -- Are You Considering Suicide or Simply Alcoholic?
Man at music counter: Do you happen to have 'The Wreck of the F. Scott Fitzgerald'?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Bearphan
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer #1: Does the Peaks Island Ferry go to Peaks Island?
Ticket agent: Yes.
Customer#1: Does it come back?
Customer #2: No, it's the barge to Hades. It only goes one way.
Casco Bay Lines Ferry Terminal
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Jeff Jenks
9AM Dirt Cheap?
Customer: How much for a bulk load of cedar mulch?
Teen cashier: Uhhh... it's about 50 dollars per yard.
Customer: What's topsoil?
Teen cashier: It's like dirt.
350 Goose Lane
Guilford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Donde Esta
3PM I Wanted to Talk to the Organized Crime Strike Force First
Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to call 4-1-1 for that number.
Customer: Who should I ask for?
Receptionist: What company are you looking for?
Customer: National Association of Pizza Deliverers*.
Receptionist: Um, then that's who you should ask for.
Washington, DC
2PM Only Their Buffalo, Unfortunately
Shuttle driver: ... So I married a girl from Wyoming.
Customer: Well, at least they shave there.
Hotel
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: confused front desk girl
2PM I've Got 99
Customer: Can you direct me to the problems office please?
Receptionist: The problems office? I've never heard of them.
Customer: Oh... Maybe they closed down...
Receptionist: What kind of problems did they solve?
Customer: Any kind of problems!
Receptionist: Am I able to help?
Customer: Nah...I'll just come back another time.
Gold Coast
Australia
Overheard by: Cam
5PM 'Meet, Meets, Met, Meeting...'
Client on phone: When can I schedule an appointment to conjugate a meeting?
315 North Great Neck Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
1PM Dogs Seem to Prefer the Varsoviana
Customer: If you come across a strange dog, you have to look like you're dancing. Otherwise it'll attack you.
Tyler, Texas
2PM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Doctor's wife: You guys are going to get my husband's pracitice flagged by the insurance companies.
Biller: We only enter in the system what you have written on the charge ticket.
Doctor's wife: Well you guys are the billing company. You should know better not to trust everything you see.
221 West 21st Street
Lorain, Ohio
11AM I Have a Problem with, Uh, Premature Firing
Customer to help desk support: My gun told me to call you guys.
Airport Road
Roanoke, Virginia
Overheard by: Alan
2PM With No Yeast?
Employee: Hi! Can I help you?
Woman: Can I have a six-inch BLT on Italian?
Employee: I'm sorry, we're out of Italian.
Woman: Can I just have white bread?
Employee: That's the same as Italian.
Woman: Do you have plain bread?
13600 Solomons Island Road
Solomons, Maryland
Overheard by: I hate Jared.
3PM In and Out of the Side Pockets
Boss: He can work the balls so nicely. In both directions.
Baltimore, Maryland
12AM Pissed Off v. Pissed On (Worst Aesop's Fable Ever)
A handicapped client has had to be restrained for assaulting a staff.
Co-worker #1: Your behaviour was completely out of line. You hit me, tried to bite me and pissed all over my leg. How would you like it if I pissed on you if I was angry at you?
Client: I wouldn't like it.
Co-worker #1: Hey [Jake], when you are angry at your girlfriend, do you piss all over her and try to bite her?
Co-worker #2: No, I don't. We talk things out and listen to each other. Why did you piss on us during the restraint?
Client: You guys were not listening to me.
2a Ormonde Avenue
St. Catharines, Ontario
Canadia
2PM She Evaluates Everything on That Scale
Man in plastic surgeon's waiting room: Why are you doing this?
Woman: Well, it costs less than a pool... but more than a Jacuzzi tub.
12 Greenwich Avenue
White Plains, New York
Overheard by: jenny power
12PM I Think I Agree, but I Don't Care for Your Tone
50-ish woman #1: I had this fish for lunch, and it was sooo salty!
50-ish woman #2: Was it? Well, it is from the ocean, you know.
50-ish woman #1: No, it was seasoned with too much salt.
50-ish woman #2: It doesn't even have to be seasoned! It's from the ocean!
Elevator, 16th Street and JFK Boulevard
New York, New York
6PM Wow! You Sure Don't Know English!
Woman: Wow! You sure do know how to type. You're typing 100 hours a mile! It's amazing!
2 Rector Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Larry Flores
3PM Last Time You Killed a Photo Booth Chick, You Had to Serve Six Whole Months of a Life Sentence
Clerk: I'm sorry, ma'am, but these photos are professional. There's no way I could let you print these without a release form.
Customer, angry: If I didn't just get out of prison, I would through such a fit!
Mother: Just calm down and walk away.
Cleveland, Ohio
1PM Did We Get Married and Nobody Told Me?
Customer: And I want Reese's with that. Not a lot, but more than the normal amount, but not too much.
Ice cream artist: Okay...?
Ice cream place, Champlain Drive and Shepherd Avenue
Fresno, California
Overheard by: Just Another Ice Cream Maker
12PM Brice Now Regretted Choosing the How-Can-I-Be-Happy-in-a-World-Full-of-Suffering Meal
Guy: You know, it's really unfair we have 24-hour food, and some places have no food at all.
38th Street and I-465
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Mylisa Suzanne
4PM I'm Thinking That Will Taste More Like a Daiquiri
Ghetto customer: My daiquiri tastes like water.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. What may I bring you instead?
Ghetto customer: Water.
Dulaney Valley Road
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: shaking my head
10AM Anyway, They're All Too High to Read Mail
Co-Worker: Okay, on the spreadsheet we need the city and postal codes for all of your employees in the Netherlands.
Client: Uh, there's none on file. We just send to "the Netherlands."
3600 Mansell Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: jenny from the block
10AM 'Yiddish' Is Jew-Speak for 'Fuck You, Jesus Boy'
WASP: I know what that says! It's written in Jewish!
Bagel wench: Yiddish?
WASP: Are you Jewish?
Noah's Bagels, Manhattan Beach Boulevard
Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: just wants to make bagels in peace
11AM The World Is Full of People Whose Stories Start in the Middle and Don't Go Anywhere
Client: Guess who I met today?
Staff: Who?
Client: Some guy on the bus that used to go here, but I don't know his name.
4558 Roswell Road
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Dude, You're Not Getting That Dell!
Customer: Yeah, like I need to get this purchase authorized for school supplies and stuff.
CSR: Yes, sir. Can you tell me the primary cardholder's name?
Customer: Yeah, that would be me. My name is on the card.
CSR: No sir, you are on the account. I need the primary cardholder; is he available?
Customer: No, he is in Florida or Georgia or something. Dude call my Dad, he can tell you all about it.
CSR: I need to ask you some security questions first. Do you know the primary cardholder's date of birth?
Customer: Uh, dude, this really sucks...I can't remember his birthday...Dude that's pretty sad I don't even know my father's birthday.
CSR: OK, sir can you give me the last 4 digits of the social security number on the account for the primary cardholder.
Customer: Dude, are you kidding? I will tell you anything about me that you want to know I just want to get this stuff going, y'know?
CSR: Sir, can you hold?
Customer: Sure.
2 minutes pass.
CSR: OK sir, I have blocked the card. Please inform your father that he will need to give us a call to take the block off the card.
Customer. Dude, this fucking sucks. I have any information you need about me, why can't you call my dad?
CSR: I am not calling your dad sir, please inform him that he will need to give us a call to have the block taken off the card.
Customer: Dude you are really starting to piss me off, dude.
CSR: Sir you can't verify any of the security questions, and I can't approve this transaction.
Customer: ...Dude call my dad! He will give you anything you want to know.
CSR: I am not calling your dad, sir.
Customer: Dude, you have so just lost 4 accounts!
3615 Brotherton Road
Cincinnati, Ohio
12AM Just Don't Ask About the Exit
A knock is heard and then the visitor asks: Hello, is this the entrance to this door?
1405 Admiral Doyle Drive
New Iberia, Louisiana
Overheard by: chris the toadie
10AM Goodness, Mr. Lay, Your Firm's Financial Report Certainly Is Heavy!
Customer: Why is your store so big?
Salesgirl: [Silence.]
Customer: I'm an accountant -- I notice these things.
Chocolate store
North Plainfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Other Salesgirl
1PM After Much Wrangling...Finally, Canadia Was Sold
Customer: Is fifty percent off of $100, like, $50?
Employee: No. Not at all. It usually works out to $35.95.
Customer: Really?
2223 Victoria Avenue East
Regina, Saskatchewan
12PM Check Up on Renatl Department
Client on speaker: I need one of those lights that you put on the camera, and a metal thing, and also the curly thing.
Rental Department: So you need a flash, a stroboframe bracket and the off-camera cord?
Client on speaker: Yeah, sure, I guess. Oh, and do you have one of these things that see the light?
Rental Department: A flash meter you mean?
Client on speaker: Sure, I guess.
Rental Department: Sir, are you the photographer?
Client on speaker: Yes, why?
1111 North Cherry Street
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Needs Some Fresh Air
Customer service: Is your desktop on the screen of your laptop?
Customer: Yes.
Customer service: Okay, go ahead and close all windows.
Customer: My apartment does not have any windows.
245 Crossroads Parkway
Bolingbrook, Illinois
12PM Contempt-Resistant Plastic Coming Right Up
Bagger: What kind of bag would you like?
Dismissive shopper: You pick. I haven't been here in a while, so I don't know what the options are.
7504 Aurora Avenue North
Seattle, Washington
10AM Tell Them Under No Circumstances Will Their Demands Be Met
Crazy woman at front desk: I will not be a slave to my teeth!
1685 Main Street
Santa Monica, California
9AM Waiter, I'll Have the Couch Potato with a Side of Gullible
Caller: I just arrived at my lake house for the summer, and the satellite TV isn't working! Why is it off?!
CSR: Sir, please stay calm. It's simple: we just need to reset your receiver since you've been away for a while.
Caller: How long will that take?
CSR: It's easy, sir. Do you have a potato handy?
Caller: Um, let me see... [Pause] Yes, we just picked some up at the store on our way in -- stocking up.
CSR: Great, sir. An apple would also work. Now, what I need you to do is to cut that potato in half. Then I need you place one half of the potato face-down on top of your receiver. Please make sure it's dry.
Caller: What?
CSR: Trust me, sir, I'm a professional. We'll have your service back on in no time.
Caller: Okay... [Long pause] Alright, done. Now what?
CSR: Great, sir. The potato will act upon your receiver's magnetic field and will bring the service back online momentarily. It's a built-in security feature so that no one can use your dish while you're away for most of the year.
CSR presses service reset button, remote satellite transmits 'wake up' signal to inactive receiver, TV comes on.
Caller: That's amazing! Who'd have thought... a potato! Will this work every time?
CSR: Just give us a call if you have any problems in the future, and thank you for using this service.
Bradford Drive
Huntsville, Alabama
12PM We Only Sell Fabric That Looks Like Meat
Customer: I need fabric.
CSR: OK. What type of fabric do you need?
Customer: I need fabric.
CSR: Um, could you be more specific?
Customer: I need fabric that looks like cloth.
425 West 15th Street
New York, NY
12PM Or One Person, for Seven and a Half Hours
Client: I just want to touch a hundred and fifty people a day for three minutes.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: 1 or 2 at a time?
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech on phone in next cube: How can I help you? ... Uh huh. Well like it said in the doc, you have to name the files alphabetically for that to work. ... Alphabetically means from A to Z. ... No, sir, you can't name one file code_abc and the next one code_aba, a is before c... Yes, abz would work. ... Numbers come before letters. ... You're welcome. [hangs up phone] Fuck this shit, I can't even smoke it. I'm going home!
800 S Canal Street
Chicago, Illinois
4PM We Look Forward to Serving You, Governor Schwarzenegger
Hotel guest: I started taking that Trimspa about a month ago. I haven't lost any weight, but my chest is huge!
State and Division Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sara G
5PM Like All the Terrorists Have Agreed to Do
Older gentleman at counter: So, if my application is approved for the remote entry program, I can enter the U.S. after hours?
Customs officer: Yes, sir.
Older gentleman: But what's with this border passport requirement?
Customs officer, uncomfortable: The remote entry pass is for when the port is closed, sir. You will still need a passport to enter when we are open.
Customs office, Northern Border
11AM Smart Investing
Customer: Do you have the new quarters from Texas?
Teller: Yes, we do. How many would you like?
Customer: Just one.
Teller: One roll or one quarter?
Customer: Just one quarter...how much do they cost?
57 Route 206
Tabernacle, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kelly
9AM He Should Ask to Speak to a Buddhist CSR, Fluent in the Language of Reincarnation
Heated caller: So let me understand this: if I die, I get $100,000?
CSS rep: No. If you pass, your beneficiary will receive $100,000.
Heated caller: But it is my money. I am paying the premium for it. I should be able to get my money. Why can't I have my money?!
CSS rep: Because you will be dead, ma'am.
Heated caller: That's ridiculous. I want to speak with a manager.
1 Sartan Way
Merrimack, New Hampshire
Overheard by: CSS Nightmare
9AM Back to Work
Customer: Are you open?
Cashier: Uh, excuse me?
Customer: Are you open?
Cashier: Um...yeah.
Customer: Oh, well you're not supposed to be.
Cashier: What?
Customer: Well, it says you're not supposed to be open until 10!
Cashier: Um...oh, well pharmacy opens at 10. We've been open since 8.
Customer: Okay, well I can come back.
Cashier: Um, okay...but we are open right now.
Customer: Okay, well then all I want is a box of cigarettes.
4405 1st Street
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
11AM I'd Almost Rather Go with Extensions
Suburban housewife: So, then she explained to me what a Brazilian wax was, and I was like, 'I don't know...'
Salon
Dunwoody, Georgia
Overheard by: Ang
1PM That's Hardly a Reason. He Must Have Smelled Bad.
Customer: I would like to complain about the woman who works here. She was very rude to me for no reason, even yelling, and then made me leave.
Clerk: Are you the guy who was walking around naked?
Customer: Oh...ah, well... [Leaves quickly]
Porn store
Bozeman, Montana
2PM Billable Hour
Lawyer: So are you sleeping with my wife or what?
Client: [Rob], you're hilarious.
Lawyer: 'Cause you know, you can get her pregnant. I don't even care.
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Book Flights
Customer: I don't understand why I can't book a flight for the 1st
of January 2007.
Travel Agent: That's because our schedules are only published 350 days in advance.
Customer: I know that, so why can't I book the flight today? There's
360 days in the year, so logically the seats can be booked today.
Travel Agent: Because that would be 365 days in the year, sir.
225 Bath Street
Glasgow, Scotland
9AM If You Know What I'm Saying
Female customer: You know, Walt Disney was afraid of mouses.
Friend: Yeah, he also had one in his house.
501 West Lincoln Trail Boulevard
Radcliff, Kentucky
10AM What Else Is Available in the Nation's Capital?
Customer: ... And it's Miss Jameson*, not 'missus.' Why does everyone always assume you're married to some asshole?
801 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
12PM We Just Don't Have Enough Slavepower
Lady: Uhh, hi, do you sell cigarettes?
Cashier: No, this is a plant nursery.
Lady: Yeah, I know. So you don't have them?
Cashier: No, ma'am, this is a plant nursery. We sell plants here.
Lady: But cigarettes come from tobacco, and that's a plant. I figured if anyone would sell them it would be you.
6831 Central Avenue
St. Petersburg, Florida
10AM What Do They Expect at a Snail Salon?
Large customer lady: I leave a big puddle... That's how people know I've been here!
Melbourne
Australia
12AM Stupidity is an International Language
Dell Support operator: OK, sir, now I'm going to need you to insert your System CD. Do you have that handy?
Irish customer: Is dat dis Pentanium ting?
The other listeners on conference laugh.
Dell Support operator: Excuse me, sir, there's a lot of background noise. I'm just going to turn off the other microphones.
--As a novel approach to caller boredom while waiting for a techSupp droid to become free, Dell have instituted a situation where callers get to listen in while said droid deals with the calls ahead of one in the queue.
So the overhearing was actually pretty widely geographically
distributed, between:
The charmin' Irish Callcentre colleen, who was wherever in Ireland Dell have their support centre;
Her interlocutor, who by his accent was also in that country;
The various other listeners-in, who might have been anywhere in
Europe;
Me, at Long Lane, Newbury, England.
Overheard by: CDWriter
4PM Customer Service Call
A customer is on speakerphone.
Customer: Which one is the spacebar?
Co-worker: How can you not know where the spacebar is?
Customer: I'm not good with computers.
Co-worker: But you've used a typewriter before, haven't you?
Customer: Yeah, so?
460 Hillside Avenue
Needham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: S. Griffin
2PM Monitor Calls
Customer: Can you put directions for the delivery man on the label?
CSR: Sure.
Customer: Tell him to give it to me through the back door.
CSR: The back door?
Customer: Yeah.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
1PM Right Next to the 'Irony' Button
Customer, trying to use his debit card: I gotta push "English"? "Spanish" shouldn't be an option. If they can't speak no English, they ain't got no business being here. Where's the "yes" button at?
Cashier: It's the button that says "yes" on it.
Food Lion
Roanoke, Virginia
12PM It's the Fifty-First!
Clerk: Ma'am I can't take this money.
Lady: Why not? It's good American money.
Clerk: Ma'am this money is from Canada.
Lady: Is Canada not the 50th state of the U.S. or are you stupid or something?
Clerk: I'm not the one that's stupid.
13697 W. Colonial Drive
Winter Garden, Florida
10AM Customer Care
Clerk looking through a tire catalog: Do you know which tire it is?
Customer: Yeah, the back right.
Clerk: No...
Awkward silence
Customer: Oh....no.
30983 Hwy 441 South
Commerce, Georgia
Overheard by: R. Segraves
11AM Monitor Calls
CSR: Sir? Sir, are you there?
Customer: Oh, I dozed off! Sorry I do that sometimes.
Later in the call...
CSR: Is that okay, sir?...Sir, are you still there?...Sir? did you fall asleep again? Sir?
Customer: Why would you ask me if I fell asleep?
5767 West Sunrise Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: cubiclejunky
4PM Beta Testing
Customer: You know we try to idiot-proof everything around here, but God keeps making smarter idiots.
500 Hertzog Boulevard
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
5PM The Conversation is Exactly What It Sounds Like
Customer #1: Thanks for your generosity! I know we forced ourselves onto you.
Customer #2: Yes, it's just that it was so cute, so little, we couldn't resist!
Bossman: Well, it will be here whenever you want it.
9500 Owensmouth Avenue
Chatsworth, California
12AM "...and what kind of plastic is it made of?"
Customer: I want to ask you about the solid wood tubing. Is that
hollow?
CSR: The Solid Wood Tubing?
Customer: Yes.
CSR: No, it is solid.
Customer: Oh, I see.
737 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
12AM Just Put It In Your Pocket
CSR: So you'd like to rent a 12 foot stepladder?
Customer: Yes...How big is that?
CSR: Well, it's about 12 feet, sir.
Customer: I can strap that on top of a cab, right?
533 Canal Street
New York, NY
10AM That Jerk Owes Me Money!
Customer: What country are you from?
Tech: I'm from England, ma'am.
Customer: Oh. Did you know Princess Diana?
Tech: No, sorry. I'm afraid I didn't.
Customer: What about Paul McCartney?
Circuit City
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: Chris
3PM Ringing Up
Customer: Will this XBox game work on a Playstation 2?
Salesperson: No.
Customer: Well, I will try it, but if it doesn't can I return it?
Clarke Crescent
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: Kiran
2PM Update Database
SysAdmin: What users do you want me to move to the Gig Harbor office?
User on speaker: [Melinda] from Kirkland.
SysAdmin: I show [Melinda] as being in Reno.
User on speaker: Oh, maybe that's her sister.
SysAdmin: Her sister is also named [Melinda]?...Hello?
User on speaker: Can I call you back on that?
8655 South Eastern Avenue
Las Vegas, Nevada
12PM Pay Bills (Cont'd)
Client: Wait, so what do you mean I can use my debit card. How does a debit card work? Do you like, just write it in your check registry?
Stylist: Yeah, it's like a check, only electronic. You have to use your PIN number.
Client: I've never seen this before! Wait, I don't know my PIN number.
Stylist: It's the same as your ATM number. It's the same thing.
Client: ...This is amazing!
110 East Delaware Place
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: phone girl
9AM He Was Here Last Week, Too
Manager: How can I help you?
Customer: Yeah, I've been taking this stuff from the internet that's supposed to help with memory. I wanted to see if you have it here.
Manager: Ok, we probably do. Was it Gingko Biloba?
Customer: Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure. I can't remember what it's called.
GNC, Cherry Creek Mall
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Dash
4PM Who's on (Safety) First?
Receptionist: Hello! Thank you for calling Avon Safety*, where safety comes first. How may I direct your call?
Voice #1: How do I direct the call?
Voice #2: [indecipherable]
Voice #1: I don't know. That's all it says...
Receptionist: Hello? This is not a recording.
Voice #1: She said it's a recording.
Receptionist: No! This is not a recording! Hello?
Voice #1: What do I do?
Voice #2: Hang up.
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
9AM She Prefers Movies About Superheros...Made by Jewish People
Customer: What movie starts next?
Box office girl: That would be Keeping up with the Steins, at 11:55.
Customer: And what's that about?
Box office girl: I believe family problems around the time of the kid's bar mitzvah.
Manager [under her breath]: It's about Jewish people, duh.
Customer: Two for X-Men, please.
510 North Orlando Avenue
Winter Park, Florida
2PM Dad? Dad!
Old man: An hour I'm waiting here! What's the point in making appointments if they make you wait?
Middle-aged son: What's your hurry, Dad? You have no place else to go.
Old man: That's not the point! When they make an appointment they should take you in at that time!
Middle-aged son: Hey, Dad, that's why they call it a 'waiting room.' See all these people? They all have appointments, too.
Old man: When I see that doctor I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
Middle-aged son: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dad. One little injection and they'll carry you out of here dead, and nobody's gonna ask why a 91-year-old man died suddenly.
Doctor's waiting room
Rockville Centre, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
3PM Lottery Board: Eeexcellent!
Customer: These ice cream cones and a hundred dollars in lotto tickets.
Store clerk: Okay, $106.39
Customer: What? These ice creams cost six dollars?! What a waste of money! No, I dont want them. What a waste. Seriously! No, no -- just the lotto tickets.
Eastlake Mart
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: kallisti
4PM Robert Regrets Taking Home Economics Instead of Shop
Clumsy guy: Hey, man, I need one of those banger things and some pointy shits.
Employee: Please tell me you don't mean a hammer and nails...
Clumsy guy: That's what it's called... Hammer... Yes.
Home Depot
Brook Park, Ohio
Overheard by: Telka
9AM Back to Work
President: This is our IT department. Those people write new programs all day long.
Customer: Oh, so this is the Nerd Center!
1047 17th Avenue
Santa Cruz, California
4PM Train CSRs
CSR: So is there anything else I can help you with?
Customer: I'm not sure; are there any questions I didn't ask yet?
605 5th Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: listening in
12PM By the Way, Is Our Refrigerator Running?
Customer on phone: How much is two hundred dollars worth of oil?
Worker bee: 75 gallons.
Customer: No, I said how much is two hundred dollars worth of oil?
Worker bee: Ma'am, two hundred dollars will buy you 75 gallons.
Customer, exasperated: No, no, no! How much. Is two hundred dollars. Worth of oil?
Worker bee, confused now: Um... Two hundred dollars?
Customer: That's what I was askin' you! Jesus! [Hangs up.]
Worker bee: Did she just call up to ask me whether two hundred dollars is worth two hundred dollars?
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Gypsy
5PM Just the Grilled Water, Then
Server: Are you ready?
Customer: I don't know what I want. What do you like?
Server: When the customer makes up his mind and orders.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: I Like the Grilled Tuna
4PM QA
User: I don't want a customer to be able to login and they might guess that their password is "welcome."
Tech: We can change it to, let's say, "monkey123."
User: Well, what if they guess "monkey123"?
4 Columbus Circle
New York, NY
10AM Consumer Ed
Customer: We'd like to get a gallon of paint.
Employee: Ok, what sheen would you like?
Customer: What's "sheen"?
Employee: The sheen is how shiny the paint is. There are different sheens for different rooms.
Customer: What would you recommend?
Employee: Where is it going?
Customer: On the wall.
45075 Worth Avenue
California, Maryland
Overheard by: Paint Chick
5PM Luckily We Do...for Four Days!
Customer: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Vietnam?
Employee: Um...no?
2063 Camden Avenue
San Jose, California
9AM Lame Duck Car Buyers
Old woman: How dare you pick me up in a truck? I drive a Cadillac and you pick me up in a truck?! This is the last Cadillac I ever buy from you!
Manager: That's not much of a threat, now, is it? Seriously, look at you. I mean, there's not a lot of Cadillacs left in you, is there?
Car dealership
Ohio
3PM Too Far up the Pyramid of Technology
Customer: I'm looking for a special kind of bead.
Bead store clerk: Okay, can you describe it?
Customer: Well, it's flat and has four holes in it. I know there's a name for them, but I just can't remember it. You can sew them into clothing...
Bead store clerk: Do you mean a button?
Customer: Yes! Do you have buttons?
Bead store clerk: Um, no.
Newport Village
Port Moody, British Columbia
Canadia
2PM I Wondered What James Stockdale Was Up To These Days
Operator: Thank you for calling Bayshore Medical Insurance*; how can I assist?
Caller: So who are you?
Operator: We're an insurance company.
Caller: And what do you do?
Operator: We help you with your insurance.
Caller: I don't understand.
Operator: Well, your boss gives you benefits for working there, and our job is to help you use your benefits.
Caller: I don't have any benefits! I never signed up for this! Did my boss tell you to call me? Is he trying to set me up? Who told you to call me?
Operator: Sir, you called me.
Market Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: The Man
2PM Douche Presentation
Client: May I ask you a question?
Patent Agent: Uh, sure.
Client: I'd like your opinion on my [douche] invention as an engineer and as a woman.
508 Riverbend Drive
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
12PM That's Right; He Apparently Knows How to Read
Client: You need to fix this design; the text is way too big.
Web designer: What is the text size in your browser set to?
Client: It's on large so I can read it better.
1335 Columbus Avenue
San Francisco, California
11AM The Customer Is Always Right
Old guy: Small fish and chips.
Italian vendor: The fish aren't ready -- 10 minutes.
Old guy: What? I'm very deaf.
Italian vendor: The fish aren't ready -- 10 minutes!
Old guy: What? I can't hear you.
Italian vendor: No fish! Have a look here [points to other menu items].
Old guy: I can't see so well. Just get me a fish and chips.
Italian vendor: No fish!
Old guy: Why are you talking to me?! I can't hear well! Just get me a fish.
Italian vendor: No fish!
Old guy: Are you stupid? I'm deaf and nearly blind, just get me a fish and chips! God, you'd think you didn't have any fish!
Edinburgh, Scotland
United Kingdom
5PM Seems No One Is Safe from the Quality-Control Spies
Customer: Do you have a copy machine?
CSR: Um, no... This is a book store.
Customer: Yeah, but I just want to copy this book.
CSR: We sell books.
Customer: But I don't want to buy it, I just want to copy it.
CSR: Then maybe you should try a library. We sell books.
Customer: But I'm here now, and I want to copy this book.
CSR: Look, okay, buy the book take it down to Kinkos and copy it, then return it.
Customer: I think that's illegal. I'd like to report you to your manager.
Book store
Pensacola, Florida
Overheard by: Michelle
3PM I Just Hate Being Held Accountable for My Actions
CSR: Thanks for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Client on phone: Yeah, I was just talking to Roger* and we lost connection. Maybe you can finish walking me through whatever.
CSR: Sir, we do not have a Roger. You were just talking to me. We didn't lose connection. You hung up on me and I was walking you through understanding that our software does not do "whatever."
Eighth Floor, Galleria
Hoover, Alabama
2PM The Course Was 'Unleash Your Psychic Powers'
IT manager on phone: You're right, ma'am. Yes, that is entirely our fault. We should have explained that you'll need to have a computer to teach a course online.
Denver Tech Center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: rev_matt
12PM But You Can Pour This Cappuccino in Your Underpants
Starbucks customer: Yes, I'd like a grande Dolce & Gabbana latte?
Extremely patient barrista: You mean a Dolce cinnamon latte?
Starbucks customer: No! I said Dolce & Gabbana, and that's what I want!
Extremely patient barrista: I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't sell that here anymore.
Starbucks, Indian River Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: a smarter customer.
1PM Under Citizenship, Just Put 'Good'
Auditioning guy: So, what should I put down for 'Citizenship'?
Casting intern #1: Were you born in the United States?
Auditioning guy: Yes.
Casting intern #1: Then put down that you're a U.S. citizen.
Auditioning guy: Does it matter that I moved to Oregon for eight months?
Casting intern #1: Did you really just--
Casting intern #2, cutting him off: --No, it doesn't matter.
MTV dating show auditions
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Liz
12AM "...I'm thinking neon camouflage."
Client: We'd like the design to stand out. But in a really subtle way.
437 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
1PM Sir, You Need More Services Than I Can Provide
CSR: OK, sir, go ahead and click on the logo in the top left of your screen.
Customer, on phone: I don't see that. I'm on a page that says "Welcome," then "My Profile."
CSR: OK, go ahead and click on "My Profile."
Customer: I don't see that.
9800 Fredericksburg Road
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Raydran
9AM Wait, Did I Say That Out Loud?
Customer: Here's my order number.
CSR: Yes, how can I help you?
Customer: What can you tell me about my order?
CSR: Um. What would you like to know?
Customer: You tell me. What does your computer tell you?
CSR: It tells me lots of things. What you ordered, when you ordered it. How can I help you?
Customer: Tell me everything your screen tells you about my order.
CSR: What would you like to know?
Customer: No, I want to know what you know about my order.
CSR: Well, I can tell you when it shipped, when it was delivered. Would those help?
Customer: No. What else?
CSR: Well, it would take me a really long time to read you everything I have here.
Customer: Oh. Well, let me explain. [Gives explanation]
CSR: I see. So you just want UPS to pick up this order?
Customer: Are you an idiot? That's what I've been saying the whole time!
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon can't wait for the weekend
2PM If You Wanted to Know If I Found You Attractive, Bob, All You Had to Do Was Ask.
Receptionist: Thank you for calling ABC Company*. How may I assist you?
Caller: Is Bob*, Tom*, or Larry* available?
Receptionist: Yes, sir, all three are available. Do you have a preference?
Caller: Sexual?
Receptionist: [Long, awkward silence.] No, sir, I meant do you have a preference for who you'd like to speak to?
Caller: Um... Just pick whoever's cutest and makes more money.
Receptionist: Ummm... Okay... It's a pleasure to connect you...
16th Street and L Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here...
1PM What a Fulozer
CSR on phone: And what size product do you have?
Customer: Where do I find that?
CSR: It should be on the front of the label, probably on the bottom.
Customer: No, it's not there. All it says there is 'Eight fulozos.'
CSR: Uh... Do you mean 'Eight fluid ounces'?
Customer: No... It says 'Fulozos.'
1905 Aston Avenue
Carlsbad, California
4PM The Quality-Control Spies Never Catch Anyone with This Question
Customer: Do you sell cards?
Hallmark employee: Yes. Yes, we do.
The Hallmark Store
Manhattan, Kansas
Overheard by: Fellow Hallmark Employee
9AM While I'm a Cornell Grad
White customer pointing at Filipino bag boy: Is he black, or is he white?! I just can't tell...
Cashier: Um, he's Filipino.
White customer: I don't care what religion he is, I just wanna know his race.
Cashier: He's Filipino.
White customer: No wonder you're just a cashier.
Piggly Wiggly
Farmville, North Carolina
2PM Eudora Downs Sydrome
Agent: Thank you for calling the help desk. Can I have your first and last name, please?
Customer: Is Eudora down?
Agent: Um, Eudora is a program that is isolated on your computer. It is not a system or network of everyone's email.
Customer: Is Eudora [campus email] down?
Agent: No.
Customer: I'll call my cable company.
Customer hangs up.
University of Wisconsin
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Brandon
9AM After the Dessert, She Said, "Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another?"
Elegant old lady, as waiter comes around: ... I could say the same thing about S&M, but no. There's nothing wrong with S&M! [Waiter looks at her, aghast, and then starts laughing.] Oh... Um, I'll have the hazelnut gelato.
Elegant old male companion: And don't forget the whip!
Cafe Dante, MacDougal Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Me
4PM Charging Extra for Stupidity Could Turn the Country's Finances Around in a Year or Two
Intercom: Welcome to Popeye's. Can I take your order?
Woman: Yes, I'd like a Number 2 with a Sprite, please.
Intercom: That will be $8.43... mild or spicy?
Woman: Yes.
Intercom: Mild or spicy?
Woman: Yes, please.
Intercom: [laughter]
Woman: What? What?
Intercom: That will be $41.23.
Popeye's
Waldorf, Maryland
4PM Sure, Just Wad it up so it Fits Through Those Little Holes in the Phone
Customer: Do I have to pay for that over the phone?
Customer service agent: Yes, ma'am.
Customer: Do you take cash?
Glenwood Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: suse
12PM Hey, Artie, Do We Take Money?
Cashier: And what form of payment will you be using today?
Customer: Money.
Robb Drive
Reno, Nevada
4PM This Dramatization of the Importance of Negative Numbers is the Grittiest Schoolhouse Rock Yet
CSR: Customer Service, this is Sheri*. May I have your account number please?
Customer: Why is my account negative?!
CSR: Well, if you give me your account number, I can look it up and go over your transactions with you.
Customer gives information, CSR verifies, and the conversation continues.
CSR: Well, ma'am, looks like your opening deposit on Tuesday was 25 dollars... And then you withdrew 40 dollars from the ATM on Friday.
Customer: And...?
CSR: Well, 25 dollars minus 40 dollars is negative 15 dollars.
Customer: I don't understand what you are trying to tell me.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM So You'll Have to Buy a Clue Somewhere Else
Customer on phone: Can you transfer me to the Electronic section?
Best Buy clerk: Uh, anyone in particular?
Customer on phone: Yes, Electronics.
Best Buy clerk: Sir, you do realize we are an electronic store, right?
Bowie, Maryland
4PM I'm Considering Bumping It up to 'Ti-Mika' If I Make Partner
Ghetto girl #1: Yeah, and that's why I changed my name.
Ghetto girl #2: For real? What was it before?
Ghetto girl #1: I changed it from Te-mika to Ta-mika. Sounds more professional.
Ghetto girl #2: Oooh girl, you know you right.
1300 19th Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: KilThor
11AM Them Some Mad Symbolist Tomes, Bro
Jock #1: Need me some Steinbeck. You read Grapes of Wrath yet?
Jock #2: No.
Jock #1: Makes East of Eden look like trash! It's hardcore.
Jock #3: Whoa! Cannery Row!
All three: Awesome.
Barnes & Noble
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: They can read?
12PM She's Just Trying to Avoid Tipping
Waitress: Can I help you, ma'am?
Middle-aged woman: You shouldn't call women 'ma'am.'
Waitress: Oh... Why not?
Middle-aged woman: Because 'ma'am' is short for 'madame,' which is a name for a woman who owns a brothel. Do you know what a brothel is?
Waitress: Ah, yes.
Middle-aged: Good. Besides, for young women you should call them 'miss.'
Waitress: Okay, can I help you, miss?
Middle-aged woman: Don't call me 'miss.'
Candlewood Chinese
Western Australia
1PM System Overload
CSR on phone: Help desk, this is James*.
[pause]
CSR: I am sorry, this is the PC and phone help desk. Sounds like you need the facilities help desk if a toilet is stopped up.
[pause]
CSR: Okay sir, I understand, but you need facilites, not the help desk.
[long pause]
CSR: Okay, is it a Windows toilet or a Unix toilet?
Customer, now on speakerphone: Well, there are no windows in this bathroom, so I guess it must be a Unix toilet.
CSR: Okay, I will get a Unix toilet specialist there as soon as we can. Which building and bathroom is it?
[pause]
CSR: Thanks.
[CSR hangs up]
CSR back on phone: Hello, facilities? This is James at the PC help desk. Yeah, I have a doozy for you...try not to laugh...
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
3PM The Odds Are Against It
Customer: Do you guys have any rooms available?
Front desk: No, sir. Unfortunately, we are completely sold out. If you like, I can give you the number of a few hotels in the area that have availability.
Customer, leaving and giving the finger: Does it look like I have a goddamn phone on me?
Front desk: I'd be more than happy to call them for you, sir.
Customer: Fuck you.
Front desk: Okay, sir. Have a wonderful night.
Elmira, New York
2PM All Hands Call
Person: Hi, I'm here for my 1 o'clock meeting. I know I'm a little early...
Receptionist: I'm sorry, what?
Person: I'm here for my meeting at 1; I'm early. Sorry about that.
Receptionist: Um...Yeah, it's almost 3...So...
Person: Oh sorry, right, 3, must be in a different time zone.
9250 Beverly Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM Also, Will I Meet a Tall Dark Stranger on an Upcoming Voyage?
Customer: I need to have some work done on my car, and I want to know how much it's going to cost.
Shop guy: Okay, let's go take a look.
Customer: Well, the car isn't here, it's at my house.
Shop guy: You need to bring the car here if you want an estimate.
Customer: I don't need an estimate, I just want to know how much it's going to cost.
Auto body shop
New Jersey
1PM He Means It's Inauthentically Trying to Be Like Soup Without Actually Being Soup
Customer: Excuse me, miss!
Waitress: Yes, sir?
Customer: My soup is too soupy.
Waitress: Well, I'm sorry, sir, if your soup is too soupy, but it is soup.
Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: he deserved it
10AM That Was a Hint, Brainiac
Coworker: Here you go, sir. Enjoy the show!
Drunk customer, after buying Justin Timberlake tickets: Oh, these aren't for me, but I'll enjoy the head I'm getting for buying these tickets.
Ticket Center, Willowbrook Mall
Wayne, New Jersey
Overheard by: Glad he didn't come to my window
9AM Or Making Them Spicy
Yuppie mom on cell: I mean, I swear -- America is turning into, like, old-school Russia. You know, with like, the Gazpacho running around killing people.
Whole Foods
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Deadly and Delicious
3PM 'Cause of Admission'
Patient looking at insurance form: Where this says 'Relation to patient,' what do I put?
Insurance employee: You can put 'Husband,' 'Spouse'... 'Love slave.'
6721 Lake Harbour Drive
Midlothian, Virginia
Overheard by: Pip
4PM She Made the Same Mistake with Love in the 1960s
Technician: Ma'am, your Jaguar needs a new engine.
Jag owner: How can that be?
Technician: When's the last time you had the oil changed?
Jag owner: My salesperson Vinnie* told me the car was maintenance-free, and just bring it in when it needs service.
Technician: No, ma'am, it's not maintenance-free, it's free maintenance.
1815 Maplelawn Drive
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: Vinyl Junkie
4PM ... I Seem to Have Lost Possession of It
Cell phone technician: This is Mariah*, how can I help you?
Customer: Yes ma'am, I just bought the Sony Exorcism phone, and...
7111 N Prince Street
Clovis, New Mexico
Overheard by: it's a sony ERICSSON!!!! LMAO
3PM Those Will Cost Extra to Remove
Painter in room with painters' tape everywhere: Do you like the new colors?
Customer: I don't like the blue stripes.
Concord, New Hampshire
Overheard by: another painter
6AM Well, She Was Lying Down in the Bed
Lawyer: Then why did you have sex with your cousin while she was sleeping?
Client: I honestly thought she wanted it. Really, I would never do anything to hurt her. I think of her like a sister.
Lawyer: Perhaps we shouldn't put you on the witness stand.
2605 E. Cliff Road
Burnsville, Minnesota
10AM The Last Event He Remembers Clearly Is V-J Day
Old man: Excuse me.
CD store employee: Yes.
Old man: Where do you keep your Negro music?
CD store employee: What?
Old man: Your Negro music!
Grandson: He means rap music.
CD store employee: Oh, over there.
1st Avenue North
Seattle, Washington
9AM What? The Customer Is Always Right
Customer on cell: Well, I need to go home and put a bra on.
Cashier: Yeah, it looks like it.
Lancaster, Ohio
Overheard by: Wonder Bra
2PM Massive -- Why?
Purchaser on phone: No, no, the price is fine. I'm just a little concerned about the thickness of the shaft... How exactly is it lubricated? ... Well, yeah, with that kind of thickness you are talking major lubrication...
Manufacturing company offices
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Salty
4PM What Happens When a Tourist Is Deaf to All Parts of Speech Except Nouns
Tourist: What is this special wine deal you have tonight?
Waitress: Well, it's 5-dollar Italian wine night, so any wine that is made in Italy is 5 dollars. But we are out of Sauvignon Blanc and Pinot Grigio.
Tourist: Well, I guess I'll have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
Waitress: We're out of that. Anything else.
Tourist: Then I'll have a glass of Pinot Grigio.
17th and P Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: guy at another table
4PM Vegetarianism Is a Journey, Not a Destination
Sandwich artist: What kind of sandwich do you want?
Guy: I'm a vegetarian, so I want the veggie sub.
Sandwich artist: What items do you want on it?
Guy: Everything in the picture... And throw some chicken on there.
Sandwich artist: You can't have chicken on that! Chicken is meat!
Guy: Chicken ain't meat! Just put it on there!
Subway
Charlotte, North Carolina
