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9AM Memories to Carry Me through the Bad Times
Coworker #1: Do you have any happy memories from your childhood?
Coworker #2: Naked babysitters.
Honolulu, Hawaii
2PM Haven't You Seen the Prequel?
Receptionist #1: How could we have known what happened 10 thousand years ago if Jesus lived only two thousand years ago?
Receptionist #2: Because people before Jesus wrote things down in the Bible.
Receptionist #1: There were people before Jesus?
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: the saga continues
3PM Oh, Stop Pouting, You Big, Wet Baby
Staff member holding disheveled pile of papers: Now I have to go hand this in with the pages all crinkly 'cause someone threw a water balloon into my cubicle.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: culprit
5PM Yeah, I Like the Attention, Though
Frustrated employee to dim coworker: If you'd stop being an idiot I wouldn't have to hate you anymore.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Feel The Same Way
3PM This Turkey Baster Says You Are Mistaken
Co-Worker: My wife's not too happy with me.
Client: Oh, I'm sure--
Co-Worker: --No, she's pregnant again.
Client: Ooooh, that's gotta be your fault. No woman would do that to herself.
Highland Avenue
Cheshire, Connecticut
4PM So White She Doesn't Know What's Happened to the N-Word
White girl: Jesus, I just got called a nigger!
Filipino girl: What? On your break?
White girl: Yeah! And by a black person. Homeless. Wouldn't give her money. I'm about as cracker as you get... total whitey. I mean, I'm wearing Banana Republic.
1900 Broadway
Oakland, California
12PM These Are the Options?
Office dude: Some of the guys here are so blatant when they stare at and talk about cute girls that work here. I think it's demeaning.
Office chick: Yeah, but I would rather be sexually harassed for being attractive than have guys call me 'ugly.' Wow... I just set the feminist movement back, like, 50 years.
Seattle, Washington
12PM But Since You're Standing Right Here, I Can Just Tell You in Person
Boss: Can we talk for a few minutes?
Colleague: In a minute. I need to finish writing nasty emails to staff who don't learn.
Boss: We can't write nasty emails! We have to be encouraging.
Colleague: Dear sir, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that you are a complete idiot...
Australia
2PM Way-Too-Casual Friday
Co-Worker #1: I have to go expose myself to Bob* and Mike* in a meeting now.
Co-Worker #2: Maybe I should skip that meeting.
1701 North Collins Boulevard
Richardson, Texas
9AM Okay, I Have to Get Off -- Bye, Now!
Garbageman on phone: I am calling in sick. I took some Cialis and I have had an erection for more than four hours... Has anyone used that excuse before?
Dispatcher: No, not that I recall.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: dispatcher who has heard it all
3PM He's Anterean-Curious
Male coworker: But Anne Heche is oddly hot, and she'd be okay with another woman in the bedroom. Plus, she's insane, which makes her fun.
Female coworker: Well, guess if you're fantasizing about someone bi and crazy she could be interesting...
Male coworker: See? See? I think she might actually be an alien. That'd be even better! Aliens are sexy.
Female coworker: No, no, now you're just getting weird and nerdy. Aliens are not sexy.
Male coworker: I always imagined the female alien from Cocoon to be really sexy. She had a great body when the skin was on her, but there was something scary and yet awesome about the glowing part. I'd want her to keep her human skin on, but I imagine sex with her to be like nothing else you've ever imagined. And I imagine her kisses to taste like candy and electricity, like pop rocks or something.
Female coworker: Okay, now you've let me know too much information, and you're still getting all nerdy.
Male coworker: Okay, you're right. This is starting to sound weird.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
1PM But the Pashmina Goats Are Fine with You Taking That Stuff, Because No Woman Wants a Beard
Employee #1: Yeah, so PETA has helped me understand the cruelty animals are subjected to by humans.
Employee #2: I've seen some of the videos. Heinous.
Employee #1: Like that shirt you're wearing, it's made of cotton, right? You shouldn't be wearing it.
Employee #2: Huh? Why not?
Employee #1: It really hurts the sheep when they are shorn.
Bed Bath & Beyond
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Debauched Angel
5PM After Years of LSD, He Can't Tell Anymore
Coworker #1: Man, my digital camera broke. Now the sky turns pink and clouds appear green.
Coworker #2: Oh, really? That sucks.
Coworker #1: In the pictures, I mean.
Coworker #2: [Silence.]
19111 Pruneridge Avenue
Cupertino, California
3PM Yeah, It Reminds Us Why We Work
Woman to man remaining on elevator: Not getting off?
Man: Yeah, I thought it was going up. It was going down.
Woman: Ah, well, a little detour's okay.
Man: Yeah... I have a lot of work to do, though.
Woman: Well, but you know, sometimes it's important to stop and smell... the lobby.
60 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM I, for One, Welcome the Coming of That Day!
Office grunt #1: You know, it must be kind of easy to be conservative.
Office grunt #2: Yeah, it probably is.
Office grunt #1: Because they always have the fall-back slippery slope type of argument. 'Well, if we allow this, then this could happen, and this could happen, and what about this? Camels may roam the streets in gangs!'
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Shannon
11AM Except for Some Reason I Keep Getting Pregnant
Coworker: If I ever have a kid, I'm going to send them to Catholic school. I went to Catholic school and I feel I got a gooder education.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
12PM How Hard Is It to Remember My Name Is Also Devon?
IT chick: Hey, where's my homies?
Admin: What homies?
IT chick: Devon* and the little guy.
Admin, incredulous: There's a little guy?!
Little guy in corner, quietly: Thanks.
3559 Belgium Lane
San Antonio, Texas
10AM Actually, He Just Likes to Look at Himself in the Reflection
Coworker #1: Yeah, my DVD won't record my VHS tapes over to disks. I was messing with it all night.
Coworker #2: Well, DVD players sometimes have different formats -- maybe you just didn't get the right format.
Coworker #1: Here are the disks I was using. Are these the right format for my DVD recorder?
Coworker #2: These are CDs. Where did you get these from?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: You need to get DVD disks, these are for music.
Coworker #1: I just want to put my VHS tapes on DVDs, and it's not working.
Coworker #2: You bought CDs, you need to go and buy DVDs to do that.
Coworker #1: I've been working on this for the past two days.
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Return Calls to Clients
Co-worker on phone: Uh yes, this is [Brett Myers} with the Mortgage Company. It's Wednesday, 10:30 AM...I'm sorry! It's just that...well, you sounded like a voicemail voice.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
10AM They'll Strap Me to a Chair and Force Me to Look at Anne Geddes Photographs
30-something woman: Are you going to the baby shower?
20-something girl: No. Being in a room full of women talking about babies is my worst nightmare.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: athens
2PM And Leaving Early from Happy Hour to Shoot Heroin into My Eyelids
Dude #1: I quit smoking last week.
Dude #2: How's that going?
Dude #1: Well, I'm leaving early to go drinking.
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM The Means of Reproduction Are in the Hands of the Workers
Coworker #1: Hey, did you hear Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is pregnant? Explain to me how that happened.
Coworker #2 to Coworker #3: Joe*, you want to take care of this for me?
Waterfront
Washington, DC
9AM Oh, and Photocopy the Porn
Male coworker #1: So, what do you even do back there, Allen*?
Male coworker #2: Apart from sifting through all of that mail.
Male coworker #1: And making photocopies.
Allen: Watch porn and whack off.
Male coworker #1, laughing: Seriously?
Allen: Hell yeah.
Male coworker #1: Dude. You're my idol.
Office on 48th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Why? Because It's There
Coworker #1: Go fist yourself.
Coworker #2: You love saying that. I think we should start a national campaign using that slogan!
Coworker #1: I like that idea. We just need someone who's willing to appear on a billboard with their fist up their ass...
Both coworkers: Carl*!
Route 22 and Colonial Road
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Nathan
12AM Paging Donald Trump
A bagel left unattended in a microwave sets off the fire alarms. The microwave, charred and smoking, is carried outside and is placed on the sidewalk.
Fireman: Is this the object that started the fire?
Office Worker: No. When we take a break, it takes a break.
626 Thayer Road
West Point, New York
3PM Or at Least Faking a Seizure?
Female paralegal: I was in the bank the other day and I saw this cop -- oh my god, he was so gorgeous. I wanted to hold up the bank just to get his attention.
Male lawyer: Ever think of saying hello?
Cafeteria, Supreme Court
Nassau County, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM Could We Talk about Baltimore Again, Please?
White coworker: So, you're from Baltimore, right?
Black coworker: No, everyone thinks all there is to Maryland is Baltimore. I'm actually from a small town called Upper Marlboro, which is closer to D.C.
White coworker: Really? Baltimore is cool. Is where you're from like Baltimore?
Black coworker: Oh, no, it's very different. In fact, people from Baltimore don't like people from P.G. so much. They say we're bourgeois, stuck up, and that we act like white people. But we don't act white, we just have money.
29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing inside
5PM For Those Who Are Always Getting Sucker-Taught
Coworker #1: You know how there are teachable moments?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: Well, there should also be punchable moments.
Austin, Texas
12PM Gotta Love That Extra-Thick Straw
Cube rat #1: Slurpees are the best things ever. Hawaiian Punch Slurpee, man. Only second to lemonade Slurpee.
Cube rat #2: I haven't had a Slurpee in, like, 20 years.
Cube rat #1: You're ridiculous.
Cube rat #2: You're gay!
Cube rat #1: Gay for my Slurpees.
12012 Sunset Hills Road
Reston, Virginia
9AM Explains How Full House Stayed on the Air for So Long
Coworker #1: Did you watch The Office last night?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I was pretty high, so I don't remember if the parts that I thought were funny actually happened.
3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Bunny
10AM Isn't That an Adam Sandler Movie?
Coworker #1, shadowboxing and humming: Dom, duh-duh, dom.
Coworker #2: Are you singing Eye of the Tiger?
Coworker #1: No, I am singing Rocky.
Coworker #2: But that is Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: Are you sure? I thought it was Rocky.
Coworker #2: No, it's Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: What movie was that?
Coworker #2: Are you a moron?
1160 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
1PM And by "Worked" I Mean They've Learned to Live with It
Cube dweller: I don't see why people need fertility counseling. They should just buy some cheap liquor and rent a Camaro. It worked for everyone I know on the South Side.
Norman, Oklahoma
9AM The Principle Is Exactly the Same
Coworker: You killed a squid. Don't act like you took down a moose with a pencil sharpener.
16761 Via Del Campo Court
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Hal Aljibury
2PM Donated By Public-Spirited Clitizens
Librarian #1: Take a look at these new book donations that just came in.
Librarian #2: Oh, it's just a bunch of Chick Lick; we don't want it.
Librarian #1: Don't you mean Chick Lit?
Librarian #2: I stand by my statement.
501 Maitland Avenue
Maitland, Florida
Overheard by: Kristen
3PM And That Was Just for the Left One
Chick #1: That's a really nice dress. How much did it cost?
Chick #2: Oh, um, $3500.
Chick #1: $3500! For a sun dress?!
Chick #2: Oh! You said "dress." I thought you said "breasts."
3200 Fifth Avenue
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Snarfed my Soda
8AM If Karen Only Knew
Coworker: If anyone's looking for me, I'm going to go to the men's room and give it to Karen.
(Over the sounds of laughter, I saw him holding a document he was going to drop off his way to the bathroom.)
4 Washington Avenue Ext.
Albany, NY
Overheard by: Patrick George
4PM Call Me When the Atmosphere Ignites
Coworker #1: It's too hot for this time of year. It should not be 80 in November.
Coworker #2: Yeah, I know. It's almost enough to make you believe in that global warning myth.
Downtown Fort Worth, Texas
12PM In Fairness, He Didn't Seem to Know
Man: It's not my fault the guy was a fucking idiot... It may have been my fault that I told him, though.
New Street Station
Birmingham
United Kingdom
Overheard by: I would have told him, too
1PM Martina Navratilova inadvertently reveals the secret of her success
Girl: Yeah, so I have to go buy this see-through tank top and a see-through skirt for tennis. It's so stupid. And I will have to wear another tank top underneath my see-through tank top and some shorts to cover up my balls--I mean... [laughs really hard]
Career Center
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: not-so-smart asian.
2PM I'll Get Back to You Later With Some Followup Questions
Office drone #1, rubbing head: I'm so confused.
Office drone #2: Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.
Office drone #1: Uh, thanks, but that's not what I meant.
Eldridge Parkway and Memorial Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Johnny
1PM Last Time I Tried Both, I Was Asked to Leave
Old employee to young one: So, it was more important to get laid than go to the company picnic?
666 11th Street
Washington, DC
4PM Boss: Excellent! The Employees Have Become Self-Punishing
Clumsy coworker drops pile of files: Nobody look at me! I want to be alone!
1300 York Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jennifer
5PM As It Is, My Thighs Are Badly Chafed
Coworker #1: I saw you on the train this morning. You should have sat with me.
Coworker #2: Why didn't you say hello when we got off?
Coworker #1: You were, like, speed racer walking towards the building, and I waddle. Waddlers can only move so fast, and I had maxed out.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: A Fellow Waddler
3PM Good Luck Finding Anybody Else
Coworker packing her stuff as she quits: Jesus will pay my unemployment! I cannot work around you, the wicked!
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
5PM I Think They Start Dating the Owl
IT guy #1: When you work in a restaurant it seems like everyone starts dating each other. I once knew these two that worked at Subway, and they started dating.
IT guy #2: That's barely a restaurant.
IT guy #1: Do you think the girls at Hooters start dating each other?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
3PM He Keeps That Totally on the DL
Coworker #1: I was berated by Susan* yesterday because I asked for my light fixture to be fixed... again... after 13 days. She got angry because she 'has more important things to worry about.' Apparently, her husband's in the ICU.
Coworker #2: Dude, she's going to have to unplug him.
Coworker #1: I understand that, but I resent the accusation that somehow my asking for my light to be fixed betrays an insensitivity to the plight of her almost-dead husband.
Austin, Texas
9AM He Was Talking Slowly because He Thinks Americans Are Stupid
Assistant to receptionist: Remember that phone call you transferred to me earlier? The guy you thought was drunk? Turned out he was just Canadian.
Reston, Virginia
9AM It'll Be Reanimation Thursdays All Over Again
Coworker #1: You know what we should do? Pool our money together and buy a cat.
Coworker #2: Would anybody feed it? 'Cause I don't want no dead cat runnin' around here.
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Gir
11AM Dude, It's a Big Continent
White professional #1: Did you know that there's a coming of age ceremony in Africa where the nephew has to blow the uncle?
White professional #2: No, there isn't!
White professional #1: Yes, there is, I swear... [Turns to African-American coworker] Right, Kareem?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Hermitage
11AM Have We Learned Nothing from the "Cock Diagram" Incident?
Secretary: Can you believe the new temp said her favorite movie was Blow?!
HR director: I am not familiar with that. Look up 'blow' on Google.
Accounting manager: I wouldn't do that if I was you.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM And Yet, They Give Away Lollipops
Ranting coworker filling out deposit: Where do all the paper clips go? Everything gets paper-clipped together, and I never see the paper clips again! I'll bet the bank takes all the paper clips from our deposits, puts them into little boxes and sells them back to us -- that's where the bank really makes its money, you know.
291 Highway
Liberty, Missouri
Overheard by: stealing the paper clips
9AM That's How I Stole My PlayStation in the First Place
Guy eating lunch: Yeah, Grand Theft Auto is kind of violent, but it's fun to run people over!
HR woman: My favorite thing to do is pick up the prostitute, bring her into an alley, you do your business, and then you shoot her in the head and take your money back. [Two minutes later] I also like to beat up old ladies...
111 8th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Rumor mill is churning... apparently some analysts have happy hour plans from 6-8 at a bar upstairs from Planet Hollywood... $3 drinks. [John], you should be able to afford that after selling all of your earthly possessions except for suit pants and a few white shirts.
[John]: From selling my car I can buy 6,000 beers. So drink drink drink drink chug chug chug.
Co-worker #2: Or you can just buy 3,000 beers and buy us fancy dinner.
[John]: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters? It's only $3.00 apiece from Pavonia Newport mall in Jersey. We'll use the hamsters to make fur coats... Might be patchy due to the color variation of the hamsters.
Co-worker #2: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters, and we'll make ourselves a hamster farm in the men's bathroom. Within 2 weeks, 3,000 hamsters will increase exponentially, and once we're done selling them all, we'll have more than enough money to buy real fur coats.
Co-worker #1: We could eat the hamsters, too -- a good source of protein, also filling yet not too high on the calorie counter. Within six months, we can look like guys in fitness commercials, and mask our self-loathing with biceps and frosty tips.
[John]: Hamsters make good drinking buddies with their itsy weenie beer mugs and blunt humor. Let's try not to eat them.
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Nixed Greens
Coworker #1: I am going across the street to get something to eat. Do you ladies want anything?
Coworker #2: Do you want to bring me back a salad?
Coworker #1: Not really... I was just being courteous.
North University and Fletcher Streets
Michigan
10AM Wow, You Must Be the Coolest Cracker in Arizona
Guy: I used to work in an inner city office.
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yeah, I learned lots of words from them. Like 'booyah'. It means 'good.' Like, 'That is booyah!'
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: The Intern
9AM She Went to Prom with the Man in the Yellow Hat
Summer associate to managing partner: ... And then my mom told my date, 'The monkey can play in the trees, but not in the bush.'
Century City, California
9AM I'll Be Going Postal, So Bring a Tourniquet
Receptionist #1: Is tomorrow your last day?
Receptionist #2: Yes.
Receptionist #1: Good.
Park Place
Cardiff University, United Kingdom
Overheard by: stranded_in_UK
1PM Isn't the Tour de France...oh, wait.
Guy #1: God, I'm so tired. I feel like I just ran the Tour de France.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'd love to see you get hit by a bunch of bikes.
737 Main St.
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: chris b
12PM If I'm Ever Too Old to Chuckle at the Phrase 'Do It,' Pull the Plug
Man: It's OK. We can still do it in my office.
Woman: That sounds fantastic.
Route 9
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts
Overheard by: twelve step
3PM No, I Need It for This Spear Wound in My Side
Cube dweller: You know, I thought I had stigmata once... Turns out I just had really dry skin.
Receptionist: Can I have my lotion back?
1 Tampa City Center
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: That little broad
2PM You Should See the Water Sports Department
Female coworker: What are Dick's?
Male coworker: Oh, Dick's are huge!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Meghan
3PM Thanks to Compressed-World Technology
Receptionist #1: I can't believe I'll be in England next week. I think we might drive to Australia, too -- they have better beaches.
Receptionist #2: Is that far?
Receptionist #1: No, I think it's a two-hour drive from here.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Not Even Kidding
3PM Unfortunately, the Stage Name 'Mr. T' Was Already Taken
Coworker #1: Is that green tea?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: Is there such a thing as blue tea?
Coworker #2: I don't think so.
Coworker #1: Maybe blueberry flavored would be blue. Is there blueberry tea? Blue tea would be crazy!
Coworker #2, shrugging: I'm not sure. There might be, but I'm not a tea expert.
Coworker #1: I am. I'm a tea connoisseur. I know all about tea. Well, the letter T. I know all about the letter T. I can write it in all kinds of ancient, archaic languages.
Coworker #2 [Blank stare.]
9785 Towne Centre Drive
San Diego, California
2PM Maybe It's Time to Stop Wearing Bibs at Lunch
Young-looking coworker after taking polygraph: They tried to get me to admit I was into kiddie porn.
Coworker yet to take polygraph: Dude, you look like you could still be in kiddie porn.
ASQ2
Linthicum, Maryland
12PM Retard Sandwiches? So '80s
Frustrated clerk to group of traders: Did you guys have retard sandwiches for lunch or something?
Smart-ass in back: I had a burrito.
Trading Desk
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Walking by...
11AM Similarly, If He Comes in the Form of a Flood
Woman: I was talking to God the other day, and he told me he's coming soon, you know?
Man: Well, if he doesn't show up in half an hour I'm leaving.
Mexico City International Airport
Overheard by: Trece
5PM No, Black Women
Coworker: One of my high school teachers was fired for having inappropriate relationships with students... Apparently he had a thing for sisters.
New girl: Like nuns?
32 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
5PM No Gay People in This House!
Coworker #1: She got to the point where she couldn't leave the house anymore. She had that -- what do you call it -- homophobia.
Coworker #2: Ah, I think you mean 'agoraphobia.'
Coworker #1: No, I'm pretty sure it's homophobia.
Coworker #2: ... If you say so.
187 Thomas Street
Sydney
Australia
11AM Attempts to Recycle Them Were Not Well-Received
Sales guy: I went to a funeral once, and everyone there got a packet of the cremated remains.
Sales girl: That's a nice parting gift!
Sales guy: Well, we were all supposed to disperse them somewhere. Mine sat on my mantle for about a month. Then I finally threw it away.
Sales girl: You sent the person to the dump?! So wrong! So wrong!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM A Misguided Attempt to Assert Alpha Female Status
Female coworker #1: Are your poops big?
Female coworker #2: Well, I don't exactly examine...
Female coworker #1: Well, compare your big poop to something in real life.
Female coworker #2: This is ridiculous.
Female coworker #1: No, I'm serious.
Female coworker #2: I don't know, an egg?
Female coworker #1: How many eggs?
Female coworker #2: Three, four?
Female coworker #1: Well, my big poop is like the size of a Nalgene water bottle.
Gladstone Avenue & Galena Boulevard
Aurora, Illinois
Overheard by: Just Trying to Eat My Lunch
4PM Helpful Anywhere in the World
Worker bee #1: Five second rule!
Worker bee #2: I'm from India. I can digest toxic waste!
D'Onofrio Drive
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Minx
12PM How International Incidents Begin
Maintenance guy #1 on cell: Hello? Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Si. Sure, okay [hangs up].
Maintenance guy #2: Who was that?
Maintenance guy #1: I don't know -- some Mexican dude. He was talking Spanish and I just agreed with him. I think it was a wrong number.
7160 Riverwood Drive
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: Bored Receptionist
12PM Actually, That May Be Just What Eyeore Needs
Sales guy: That guy wouldn't be in a good mood even if you woke him up with porn and ice cream.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
3PM What Severe Burnout Looks Like
Grunt #1: If there is a tornado today, are you our emergency person?
Grunt #2: Nope, I really don't care if you die.
Beach Street
Fort Worth, Texas
1PM Even in the Black Hills You See White People
Aussie: Is Motown a black state?
American: Uh, actually Motown is a nickname for Detroit, and a record label.
Aussie: Is Detroit a black state?
American: No, it's a city.
Aussie: Is Tennessee a black state?
American: Whaaa... there's no such thing as a black state.
Aussie: There isn't?
Reservoir Street
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Yank Down Under
4PM Maybe You Should Stop Sleeping with Sailors
Lady coworker #1 standing in hospital cafeteria line: Wow. Cod again? Why can't they have a bigger variety of seafood?
Lady coworker #2: It would be great if they would serve something besides fish, like shrimp or crab.
Lady coworker #1: Shellfish is always best when it's fresh, though. Whenever I go to the East Coast I always come back with crabs.
2801 W Oklahoma Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
3PM The Left
Guy: The movie wasn't very good, but the chick was super hot. She was, like, half Chinese, half normal.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Supervisor
2PM He's Trying to Get Him to Say 'Oriental'
Security guard #1: What do you call those people who aren't Chinese or Japanese or Asian?
Security guard #2: Korean?
State Capitol Building
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: doodles
5PM His Desk Plate Says 'I'd Rather Be Blistered'
Guy #1: Give me a break. I've been here since 6 AM!
Guy #2: Why would you do that to yourself?
Guy #1: Well, I've been a very bad boy, and I deserve a spanking. But that's too expensive here in the city so instead I do this.
469 7th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Maybe I Should Stop Eating All of the Stale Doughnuts
Waitress: I think I'm gaining weight.
Waiter: What makes you say that?
Waitress: I've put on 18 pounds since I started working here.
Waiter: Maybe you're pregnant.
Waitress: It can't be. You cannot get pregnant by the finger!
210 North 77 Sunshine Strip
Harlingen, Texas
Overheard by: Omar
10AM You Don't Start Out Hating Them
Angry girl coworker: Goddammit! I fucking hate people!
Friend: But you work in HR...
501 Front Street
Norfolk, Virginia
12PM No Peace, but a Sword for You, My Friend
Coworker on phone: Jesus told me if you come over to fuck you up.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Jesus Freak
10AM Can't Understand How Your Hair Got Stuck in My ID Badge
Girl employee: Ouch.
Guy employee: Oh, sorry. Okay, it's not going to work from the front, let's try it from behind.
14225 Newbrook Drive
Chantilly, Virginia
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Why are there empty containers in the fridge?
Co-worker #2: To keep them cold.
12 Bassett Street
Providence, Rhode Island
2PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: [Millie], do you need any disinfectant wipes for your area?
Co-worker #2: Thanks, what are you trying to say?
21175 Olean Boulevard
Port Charlotte, Florida
10AM Application Performance Testing
Tester #1: This kinda seems like that Olivia Newton-John video for Let's Get Physical, don't you think?
Tester #2: No.
901 Lakeside Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: mr.doitall
4PM Work on Server
Dev #1: Why would we ever deny the faculty access to Moodle?
Dev #2: We might have always cut the ends off a ham because our mom taught us to.
Dev #1: ...
1600 Clarkson Road
Chesterfield, Missouri
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: I thought you were supposed to be at the doctor.
Worker #2: Look at me! I can't go in there! He'd put me on something for sure!
4182 Forsyth Road
Macon, Georgia
12PM Mail Invoices
Co-worker #1: So do they have offices in the Northern part of Texas?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, like up in that chimney portion of the state.
Co-worker #1: Oh. I'll show you a fire.
Co-worker #2: What?
611 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
3PM Snack Break
Co-worker #1: I really want to go get a cookie from the food cube, but [Anne's] using the computer in there
Co-worker #2: Well, go get one anyway. And tell her to pull her pants
down.
127 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Worker: [The boss] treats me like I'm his little daughter or something. That's a lot of pressure. I can't be perfect all of the time.
180 East Ocean Boulevard
Long Beach, California
3PM Coffee Run
Co-worker #1: I'm getting restless. I feel like I wanna go running or something.
Co-worker #2: It's awful cold out there.
Co-worker #1: Well, plus, I'm wearing a suit, huh?
Co-worker #2: Ever see that movie Falling Down?
1241 South Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM TGIF
Co-worker on phone: I have a trailer to be picked up...Yes, it is ready now. It's in a parking lot. You know, where cars park.
33 Shaws Lane
Springfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Disgruntled Cube Tenant
5PM Time for Happy Hour
Co-worker #1: Not only am I supposed to be meeting this hot guy at the bar tonight, but we're celebrating [Darren] passing his bar exam! It's going to be wild.
Co-worker #2: Well, if you're smiling tomorrow morning we'll know how it all went.
Co-worker #1: Hell, if the night goes as expected, I won't even be walking straight tomorrow morning.
1218 Webster Avenue
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Office Slave
10AM Sales Reports Due
Co-worker #1: ...I think you have a future in fertilizer sales, man.
Co-worker #2: I wouldn't be surprised.
20 Park Plaza
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Prepare Reports
Co-worker #1: You know that copier sorts on its own...
Co-worker #2: I know, I just like to press buttons.
2990 Mack Road
Fairfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Kimmie
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: Will someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with [Josh]? When he gets up in the morning does he have some kind of funhouse mirror? Does he fucking see Tom Cruise when he looks in the mirror in the morning? Because when I look at him I just see an asshole.
Co-worker #2: Why?
Co-worker #1: He is bullshiting everyone and saying he slept with the new CSR.
Co-worker #2: Does it really matter? She don't speak English!
2801 Red Lion Road
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Send Out Resume
Co-worker: I want my job to be the guy who kicks George Bush in the face all day, only stopping to make out with him.
50 Main Street
Hackensack, New Jersey
11AM Check Out the General Air System
Guy #1: Man it stinks in here.
Guy #2: HR should offer training in the courtesy flush.
12545 Riata Vista Circle
Austin, Texas
7PM Turn Off Those PCs and Go Home, Everyone
Folks in our little cube farm were shutting things down to leave for the weekend, when a loud voice rose from one of the cubes: Just once I wish Microsoft Outlook would wait while I shut down!
1256 Porter Avenue
Bristol, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michael Leatherbury
1PM The Dress Code Still Requires Pasties on Casual Friday
Accounts receivable lady: I don't mean to be rude, but could one of you unhook my bra? I've about had it with this stupid thing! [Order entry woman unhooks lady's bra, and lady takes her bra off to swing around in air while keeping her shirt on.] Freedom! Freedom at last!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: never a dull moment
9AM I'd Rather Have Been Out of the Loop on All of That
Male cube rat: I got all excited because she said she needed blood money!
Female cube rat: Blood money?
Male cube rat: Yeah. But she just wanted quarters for the tampon machine.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM It Would Also Succinctly Communicate What I Think of Our Mission Statement
Peon to another at two-hour mark in meeting: I'd poop in my chair if I thought it would make this meeting more interesting.
Lakewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Couldn't have hurt -- mighta helped
4PM It Was an Attempted Coop d'État
Girl #1, walking past: There was a ruckus in the office but we sorted it out.
Girl #2: It's funny, whenever I think of the word ruckus I think of, like, chickens.
Girl #3: Oh my god, there were chickens in the office?
University Drive
Gold Coast, Australia
Overheard by: Jess
1PM Bottom Line, I Never Drank Again
Sales guy #1: If I said it was hot in here, would anyone argue with me?
Sales guy #2: No.
Sales guy #3: It is pretty warm in here.
Sales guy #1: I was gonna say... It feels like an attic in here.
Sales guy #2: I would say it feels like the trunk of my car, but I don't want to go there.
Assistant: Hmmm... If you said that, we would be obligated to ask how you know what the trunk of your--
Sales guy #2: --Yeah, I don't want to go there.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM From The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Diplomacy
Executive forwarding an email to whole company: I don't know if any of you have seen this summary. You may find it a useful 'Idiot's Guide.'
Employee: Are you implying everyone you just sent this to is an idiot?
Executive: Not in the slightest! I was implying the guy who sent it to me thought I was an idiot.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
5PM It's So Expensive, and You Gotta Save Money to Buy Baby Stuff
Female coworker: I hate kids.
Male coworker: That'll change when you get pregnant.
Female coworker: But I never want kids!
Male coworker: Better stop drinking.
405 Hilgard Avenue
Los Angeles, California
5PM But He Was in the Closet
Coworker #1 : Yo, did y'all know Robert E. Lee was an Aborigine?
Long pause.
Coworker #2: Do you mean 'abolitionist'?
Coworker #1: Oh, yeah.
1434 Larimer Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: John Howard
10AM Just Getting You Back for the Infamous Glitter Incident of '05
Coworker entering another's cube with hole-puncher, stack of paper, and beginning to punch holes: If I do this in my office, then there will be little paper circles all over my floor, and that's really annoying.
1632 Da Vinci Court
Davis, California
5PM Or the Sharpest Bulb in the Shed, for That Matter
Coworker #1: My son is hanging out with the stupidest kid...
Coworker #2: What do you mean?
Coworker #1: He's not exactly the brightest knife in the drawer.
Airport Drive
Green Bay, Wisconsin
11AM He Got an Oscar for Best Posthumous Cross-Dressing Performance
Woman #1: I saw The Devil Wears Prada this weekend. It was really good, especially Marlon Brando.
Woman #2: Marlon Brando?
Woman #1: You know, that lady! What's her name?
Woman #2: Meryl Streep. Marlon Brando is dead. And a man.
245 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Sitdown with Legal
Co-worker: This report is bullshit.
Boss: Did you just say "bullshit"? I thought you folks weren't allowed to swear?
Co-worker: I didn't swear.
Boss: Yeah you did, no big deal. I don't want your turban to unfurl.
1 Technology Drive
Milpitas, California
12PM Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Desk
Girl: Can you keep this desk clean?
Guy: What? The desk is clean. Stop hating!
Girl: Hey, hey, don't say that, I'm not a cock-blocker. I don't cock-block.
Guy: What the fuck does that have to do with my desk?
350 South Figueroa
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Sexual tension in the workplace?
3PM No More Sleeping Under Bridges with Teenagers?
Employee: Everything about my life sucks right now! I need to go home, and I need to have a shower, and I need to get laid by someone who knows what he's doing for once, and then I need to go to bed.
Sackville
New Brunswick
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
5PM I'm Not Falling for That Again
Male coworker wearing striped shirt: Hey, nice shirt -- we match!
Female coworker: Oh, yeah, we do.
Male coworker: We could do a dance or something. We already have matching costumes.
Female coworker: Or we could strip!
Male coworker: [Laughs nervously and walks away.]
Massachusetts
5PM At Least I Think They Were My Pants
Employee #1: Why are you so late, man?
Employee #2: I got loaded last night and shit my pants on the way to work.
1300 St. Laurent Boulevard
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
12PM They Tilt Their Heads Just So to Avoid a Lifting Body Shape
Chubby office girl #1: ... And I'm a big girl, okay? The wind was blowing so hard that I almost fell over. I dunno how other people stay on the ground.
Chubby office girl #2: I've often wondered that.
Chubby office girl #1: Why I'm so fat?
Chubby office girl #2, laughing: No, how skinny people aren't airborne more often.
Chubby office girl #1: They're more aerodynamic, I guess.
State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Liz
2PM ...Which, Thanks to Lawrence V. Texas, I Can Finally Come Out and Say
Female engineer: I need to hear some boy bands.
Male coworker: Like 'N Sync, 98 Degrees, Backdoor Boys.
Female engineer: I love back-door boys.
Airport Rd
Mansfield Texas
1PM Why Rich Babies Get Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Lady #1: I'm very tired. I went out last night.
Lady #2: Oh, did you have a lot to drink?
Lady #1: Of course not, I'm pregnant.
Lady #2: It's pretty bad to drink when you're pregnant.
Lady #1: Yeah, it's so expensive, and you've gotta save money to buy baby stuff.
Goulbourn Street
Sydney, Australia
3PM Chickens in Guy-Suits Are Much More Common in Politics
Reporter #1: How should I identify a chicken at a press conference? There was a guy in a chicken suit who refused to give me his name.
Reporter #2: If it was a guy in a suit, I think you'd have to call him an 'Unidentified chicken impersonator.'
400 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Jack Ace, reporter-at-large
5PM Fridge: Beginning Ice Dump. Overwrite BIOS?
Lab rat #1: What was the IT guy doing here?
Lab rat #2: Connecting the refrigerator to the Internet... There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
Fordham University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Andrea
4PM As Shown on This Scatter Diagram
Coworker: Every time he gets out of jail I end up pregnant.
Masonic Drive
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Nurse
4PM I'm Intrinsically Motivated by the Work Itself
Coworker: It's just a motivational meeting. I don't care if I miss it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
9AM She's a Somnabuleater
Guy: I don't think you were passed out. He said you went down on him three times.
East Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Meister
1PM Another Lucky Darwin Awards Contender
Man: Hey, do you know what ski-shooting is?
Lady: Ski-shooting?
Man: Yeah... Ski-shooting... Where you shoot at things while you are skiing.
Lady: Do you mean skeet-shooting? They don't ski and shoot... They shoot at clay disk things.
Man: Oh, is that what it's called? So they don't ski while they are shooting?
Lady: No... But when you try it let me know. I want to see that.
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM Never Worked in an Office Before? You've Got a Lot Coming to You
Cube dweller #1: Oh, and I love it when my husband takes his shirt off at night, because then I can pop his back pimples. He hates it when I do that, but I just love it!
Cube dweller #2 and recent hire: [Horrified silence.]
Cube dweller #1: Yeah, and last night I was real disappointed, because I was working on a blackhead and it turned out to be a mole.
Cube dweller #3: [Flees cube.]
Medical center
Pittsburg, Kansas
12PM Sometimes He'd Euphorically Do Body-Shots Off of me and Ned From Accounting
Female coworker: I'm so tired of being alone but it's impossible to meet any available men here. I should have taken John* up on his offer.
Male coworker: Who?
Female coworker: You know, John Smith*. The guy who was here about eight years ago and got booted, then came back a few years later, then got booted again a couple of years ago.
Male coworker: Oh he's been booted more times than that! What are you talking about?
Female coworker: Didn't I tell you? He came back last fall trying to get reinstated and stopped by to see me. He said he'd been thinking about me. He wanted to know if I was interested in getting together but I didn't want to get into that so I lied and said I was seeing someone. Now I wonder why I did that.
Male coworker: Maybe because he's a bipolar bisexual alcoholic?
Female coworker: There is that...But I bet he wouldn't have bored me.
Small town, Washington
Overheard by: i'm lonely too - but not that lonely
2PM Management Meeting
Co-worker #1: What is our Vision Statement?
Co-worker #2: It says here, "Our Vision is to always be true to our Vision."
101 South Webster Street
Madison, Wisconsin
2PM You Think until Thanksgiving?
Coworker on phone: Can I ask you something off-topic? If a family pet dies, how long can you keep it in the freezer?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
12PM When the Company Switched to Voodoo Performance Management
Coworker #1: What the hell am I looking at here?
Coworker #2: Could be blood, could be nothing.
Alpharetta, Georgia
9AM Of Course, the Functional Invisibility Is Good for Robbing Banks
Woman #1: I hate these bloody name tags!
Woman #2: I know! The straps are so long! Everyone keeps peering down at your belly before looking up at your face!
Woman #1: I prefer the name tags you can clip on your lapel...
Woman #2: Yes, at my age I'd actually rather men stared at my tits and not at my stomach.
Old woman exiting stall: Honey, at my age you're chuffed if they look anywhere at all!
Conference, St. Andrews Place
London
England
10AM Hoping to Be Reborn As a Gentile?
Worker bee: Do I smell bacon, or am I just having a really awesome stroke?
175 Remsen Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: cubicle island
11AM I Had to Bite My Tongue Bloody, Though
Coworker #1: She keeps sending me e-mails from home, wanting me to do all this shit that can totally wait until she gets back in the office... She's supposed to be on vacation, for Christ's sake!
Coworker #2: So just tell her to back off!
Coworker #1: Nah... I e-mailed her and told her she should be using this time to relax and recharge, and that we would tackle this stuff once she's back in the office and refreshed from vacation.
Coworker #2: Wow... That's the most eloquent 'Fuck you' I've ever heard!
Carruthers Parkway
Franklin, Tennessee
Overheard by: quite impressed
3PM Measuring Out My Life with Coffee Spoons
Peon: No, thank you. I consider scrapbooking to be a gateway activity. The next thing you know, I'll be going to Tupperware or candle parties.
Wausau, Wisconsin
11AM Never Trust a Man to Navigate
Waiter: She did not like it in the ass.
Waitress: Really?
Waiter: At first, I mean.
Waitress: But as she got more and more drunk, it felt better?
Waiter: I don't know about better, but she stopped yelling.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM Or I Might Mock You and Never Let This Die
Australian employee: What's your expression for 'Back of the fag packet'?
American employee: First, you'll have to tell me what a 'fag packet' is. Then I might be able to help.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Teller: I haven't decided yet if I'm going to see The Da Vinci Code. I want to see it, but if I do I'll feel like I'm. . . supporting. You know?
Bank AVP: . . . Supporting?
Teller: The Devil!
Long pause
Bank AVP: Tom Hanks is the devil?
48 Clifty Kirkmansville Road
Clifty, Kentucky
11AM But in a Way That Keeps Me Coming Back
Stall #1: ... And so last week I told him the next time he wants a booty call, don't call me!
Stall #2: So, like, did he call you again?
Stall #1: Yeah, and I went over there last night. He's such a jerk!
Office
Rochester, Michigan
Overheard by: pee quiet
1PM We Export It
Chinese immigrant driver: Everyone is talking about gay marriage. What is 'gay'?
Lady driver: It's, uh, when two men or two women like each other in a, uh, sexual way.
Chinese immigrant driver: Oh! We don't have that in China.
Calgary International Airport Parkade
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Girl Driver #2
5PM Probably Far Enough
Guy: I put on the tutu and that was as far as I got.
4900 Tiedmann,
Brooklyn, Ohio
Overheard by: marko
5PM Sounds Like Somebody Needs Half a Millipede
Coworker: This is one of the weirdest places I've ever worked. Ally's* rummaging in the bin for half a millipede, Jane* has to pathologically lock everything, and I'm going psycho telling people I don't need hugs.
Mallett Street
Sydney
Australia
9AM Actually, Those Things Say 'Halloween Party'
Secretary: Well, I'm out for the rest of the day. I've got a doctor's appointment.
Coworker: Oh, have fun!
Secretary: Yeah... Because nothing says 'party' like bloodwork and pap smears...
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
3PM Is That Better or Worse Than Her Stepdaughter Being Pregnant and Moving Out to Live with the Son?
Coworker #1: Well, I got some good news and some bad news last night.
Coworker #2: Let me guess... your stepdaughter's moving out, but she's pregnant.
Coworker #1: Oh my God, you're so close! My stepdaughter's moving out and my eighteen-year-old son's girlfriend is pregnant.
Coworker #2: Wow, what luck.
1649 Pandosy
Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada
Overheard by: melissa
9AM I Hear a Lot of Things
Woman: I heard that if a pregnant woman gets a flu shot, the baby has all sorts of birth defects, like 12 heads and two feet.
Municipal Building
New Jersey
9AM It's My Hangover Cure
Grunt #1: Is that a wine bottle in the front seat of your car?
Grunt #2: Yes. I like to drink on my way to work.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
9AM She Can Write That off As a Job Expense
Guy #1: So, my daughter tells me she wants to get her tongue pierced, and I told her there was no way in hell I would let her fuck up her teeth after all of the money we spent with those braces straightening up her teeth. And after I said that she actually understood where I was coming from.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah. Now she wants to get her nipples pierced.
Government office
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: b-chomp
12PM No, I Have a Plane Ticket and a Shovel
Lady #1: I'm saving myself for Mozart.
Lady #2: That's going to be quite a wait, honey.
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: Sarah
11AM Except No Pedophile Would Want Any Kid You'd See in Wal-Mart
Worker #1: They were being mean to her on Facebook.
Worker #2: What's Facebook?
Worker #3: Oh, it's like MySpace.
Worker #2: MySpace... That's like Wal-Mart for pedophiles.
2100 Lakeshore Drive
Birmingham, Alabama
5PM Our Children Need Statistics Classes, Now More Than Ever
Guy employee: So I read in the news today that drinking from Nalgene bottles while you're pregnant may cause a miscarriage.
Girl employee: Oh my gosh! My best friend just had a miscarriage, and she drinks from a Nalgene bottle all the time!
Guy employee: See?
Tully's Coffee, Union Station
Seattle, Washington
4PM You Play Helen Reddy, That's What You Get
Male coworker: All I hear is, 'Yap, yap, yap, I'm cold, yap, yap, yap, I'm a woman.
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Erin
2PM The Riddle of the Sphincter
Walking man: Hey, John.
Sitting man: Sphincter says what?
Walking man: What?
Sitting man: Sphincter says what?
Walking man: What are you, five? This is a professional office.
Sitting man: You fell for it.
Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Dennis Carroll
12AM Let Me Get My Un-lube
Co-worker: If you could un-fuck this situation, I'd appreciate it.
120 Morehead Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM We're in a Roaring Metal Tube Full of Idiots -- It Couldn't Hurt
Flight attendant #1: I used to get high before studying for tests. Did you ever try it?
Flight attendant #2: No, no, I never did that.
Flight attendant #1: It really works... Hey, did you study the new rules for flights shorter than two hours? Lots of information.
Flight attendant #2: Are you high right now?
Flight attendant #1: ... Why do you ask?
United flight
Nebraska
Overheard by: Ken
3PM It'll Be Giving Me Feedback This Afternoon
Cube dweller #1: I just want to make sure we are communicating on this project.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, we're communicating. [Yells over cubicles] Hey, Roy*, are we communicating?
Roy: Uh, I'm communicating with my sandwich.
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: The Communicator
4PM Exactly the Kind of Dirty Work You Avoid on Vacation
Woman #1: How was your vacation?
Woman #2: Great!
Woman #3: You look great! Did you have fun?
Woman #2: Lots of sex, no kids, and lots of beach time.
Woman #1: You have sex on vacation?
Bergen, New Jersey
9AM Someone's Been Listening to State of the Union Addresses Again
Waitress #1: What's with your couple at table five? It's impossible to tell how old they are. They could be in their 20s or 50s.
Waitress #2: That's 'cause they're foreign. All foreign people look like vampires.
River Street
Savannah, Georgia
2PM Okay, Gotta Go --They Just Dipped My Pigtail in an Inkwell
Lady peon to males making farting noises: Please! I am on the phone with my dad! [Into phone] No, they're your age!
Burbank, California
10AM Went Right Through a Stop Sign
Clerk #1: Sorry, I'm a little dyslexic.
Clerk #2: My dog died of dyslexia!
1901 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Office Droid
9AM Plus the Pictures Are Better
Elevator-Rider #1: Hey, are you still working in homicide?
Elevator-Rider #2: Nah, I left homicide a while ago. Now I'm in sexual predators. It's great 'cause I don't have to be on call anymore, and I have weekends free.
King County Administration Building
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: B
9AM Wait, No - That's Why I'm Afraid of Fire
Woman: You know I'm afraid of birds, don't you? It's because of that movie and the time my mother burned down a gas station.
Cal State Northridge
Northridge, California
Overheard by: Scott
11AM The Car Did Most of the Work
Coworker: I was in a car accident once, but it wasn't my fault because I was asleep.
1855 South Grant Street
San Mateo, California
Overheard by: Not carpooling anymore
5PM Deleted Adrian Dialogue from Rocky
Woman #1: My boyfriend is Italian. That's as good as fucking a black man, but without the racial drama.
Woman #2: I thought Italian men were dumb.
Woman #1: Exactly.
Forest Avenue
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Office Manager
5PM At the Urban Legend Semifinals
Assistant #1: Did you know that one of the ingredients in gum is coyote urine?
Assistant #2: Did you know that there's something in cat urine that causes schizophrenia?
Buckhead Loop
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Do You Need an Epipen?
Marketing guy: If 20 characters is the limit for a line, why is it wrapping?
Patient web developer: I used a fake string and we changed the font since then -- some letters are wider than others, so I have some work to do to get it to fit.
Marketing guy: Hmmm... I like it saying 'System Requirements' versus just 'Requirements.'
Patient web developer: ... How many characters is in 'System Requirements'?
Marketing guy: Nineteen characters, including the blank space between the words.
Patient web developer: Right.
Marketing guy: So, how much would that jack with things to be able to fit 19 characters on a line?
Patient web developer: Dude, c'mon. If 20 fits, then 19 will fit.
Marketing guy: That seems like some advanced math to me.
Patient web developer: Yeah, sorry. Didn't mean to get all math-y on you.
2550 SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: Snotted My Water
10AM Plus, They're Doing Amazing Things with GPS These Days
Indian woman: I gave my 11-year-old son his introduction to sex last night.
White woman: Uh... What did you do with him?
Indian woman: I explained to him everything he needed to know. It's part of our traditions.
White woman: You explained to him about orgasms, and where the clitoris is?
Indian woman: Oh, yes, and I was quite surprised to find out how much he already knew.
White woman: Such as...?
Indian woman: He told me he knew what the G-spot was, and how to find it.
White woman: Where would an 11-year-old boy learn about things like that?
Indian woman: From his friends. Many of them have sisters and mothers who they have seen in the nude.
White woman: Well, uh, good luck.
DMV office
Westbury, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
3PM So Anyway, Mom Had a Stroke
Fat black girl: My mom -- she's bein' so damn nosy. Yesterday she says, 'V, tell me something I don't know about you!'
Fat white girl: So, what'd you say?
Fat black girl: I said, 'I like it in the ass! That shit is wonderful.'
Fat white girl: Hahaha, oh my god. Wait, how is that her being nosy?
Fat black girl: Well, it's what she get. She didn't know it; now she does. Serve her right for askin'.
Clothing store, 4500 North Oracle Road
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: i just wanted to shop
2PM Bad Ideas Seem So Harmless in the Beginning
Drone #1: I wonder how many modifications it would take to convert an old Beetle to Darth Vader's helmet?
Drone #2: Probably not too many.
Metro Park
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: I want one.
1PM Her Withdrawal From Popular Culture Began in the Eighties and Was Complete by 1998
Younger girl: So the guy who played Kramer turned 57 this week. I had no idea he was that old!
Older woman: Kramer? You mean from the movie Kramer vs. Kramer?
Younger girl: Who? Um, no. Kramer. Kramer from Seinfeld.
Older woman: Who?
Younger woman: This is probably why we don't talk more, huh?
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
2PM He'd Better Bring His "A" Game or a Friend
Film crew girl #1: So, it was really awful, then?
Film crew girl #2: Oh my god, it was worse. He gave me the worst sex ever. I mean, the least you can do when you've made me pay for dinner and the cinema and drinks and stayed at my house all weekend is give me a right good seeing to.
Film crew girl #1: Seeing him again?
Film crew girl #2: Tomorrow night.
Brick Lane
London
England
Overheard by: Nics
4PM You Know the Drill
Co-worker: Oh crap. We're having a fire drill today? That fucking sucks. It's too fucking cold for that shit.
Drill Captain: Yes, I know...but they are important. We need to do them at least twice a year.
Co-worker: How the fuck are they important? Did you miss fire safety week in the first grade? You don't know what to do if there is a fire? Well, here you go: take the stairs down to the lobby and go outside away from the fire. Shit, you probably still get into strangers' cars if they offer you candy.
3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: nicolette
9AM NewsFlash: New Yorkers Cuss. Film at Eleven.
Big nose: What's your favorite swear or curse word?
Big ass: Fuuuck.
Big nose: What the fuck?
Big ass: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Big nose: It's so fucking hot.
Big ass: I'm gonna fuck you up.
Big nose: You are so fucked.
Big ass: I just got fucked.
Big nose: Wanna fuck?
Big ass: Fuck me. [Pause, then] Shit, my boss is coming.
Big nose: We'll resume this again tomorrow, Fuckface.
Big ass: Haha, you win.
Big nose: I always do.
130 West 42nd Street
New York, New York
3PM I Asked You First
Old lady coworker: Toys? Yeah, I still play with toys. I have heaps of toys.
Old guy coworker: Yes, I love toys, too. Toys, toys, toys. Toys without the boys.
Old lady coworker: What?
Old guy coworker: What? What are you talking about?
Bourke Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Jay Blue
11AM Hey, What Happens in the Louisiana Purchase Stays in the Louisiana Purchase
Coworker #1 looking at a nickel: What the heck is this?
Coworker #2: It's about the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Coworker #1: Didn't they eat each other?
Wichita, Kansas
10AM Whatever. Distract Him While I Get the Rope
Exasperated meeting contact: I think the temp I hired is mildly retarded, so I'm going to need your help with this.
Concierge: My mother drank and smoked while pregnant with me.
Penn and Liberty Avenues
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
10AM Without a Quorum No Meeting Can Break Out
Worker bee #1 walking up to group of coworkers: Hey, here's two of the people I'm looking for.
Worker bee #2: Scatter!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Consumers Resist the Next Generation of IPods
Worker lady: I told him, 'You're not going to get the whole thing in -- I have a small mouth and a gag problem.'
343 State Street
Rochester, New York
10AM Fuck You, You Felch-Sucking, Mung-Eating, Necrotic Limp-Dicked Father-Raper
Drone #1: Crikey Moses! Who the hell wants their picture taken in the Mastermind chair?
Drone #2: Crikey Moses?! You need some better swear words!
201 Wood Lane
London, England
3PM What They Use to Mix Cocktails in the 'Hood
Foreign coworker: What is a 'jigga'?
Male coworker: I don't know, I'm Turkish.
Female coworker: I don't know, I'm White.
44th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM See, That's What I Thought
Worker #1: Smell my poncho.
Worker #2: No.
Worker #1: Smell my poncho.
Worker #2: That's not a poncho, that's a dry cleaning bag.
Worker #1: It's a poncho.
Worker #2: It's a dry cleaning bag with a hood. It's not a real poncho.
Worker #1: It is so a real poncho. It's blue.
Worker #2: It's a dry cleaning bag.
Worker #1: It's blue.
Worker #2: It's a--
Worker #1: --It has arm holes.
Worker #2: Jeff*, it's a dry cleaning bag with a hood, and it smells like cat piss.
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM The Terrible Twos, Huh?
Lady coworker, after hanging up: So, have you ever been called a 'piece of shit' by your daughter?
West 26th Street
New York, New York
11AM You Really Tell That Story a Lot
Secretary to assistant: Yeah, I went through my lesbian phase, but I could never go back to women 'cause I like giving blowjobs too much!
4400 Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
5PM Our Role in the Service Industry?
Employee to another: You're down on your hands and knees eating a banana. How do you not know what that symbolizes?
Route 209 and Weir Lake Road
Brodheadsville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: CW
12PM The Kids Will Reduce Him to a Skeleton in Minutes
Coworker #1 on phone: Yes, this is Allie*... [Screams.]
Coworker #2: What's wrong?
Coworker #1: They think my prize steer is loose on the playground.
741 Griffin Road
Albany, New York
5PM Not Something You Want to Interrupt
Guy to coworker sitting on exercise ball at computer: Well, I'll just let you get on with your ball massage.
39 Norwich-Westerly Road
Mashantucket, Connecticut
Overheard by: Calamity Canyon
11AM Very Slow Fights Break Out
Distressed middle-aged man to wife: Well, that's what happens when you give spiked eggnog to old people!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confused Passerby
12PM Important Safety Tip, Ian -- Thanks!
Coworker #1: So, I got my girlfriend to give me a wax job on the weekend -- y'know -- down there.
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah? How was that? Nice?
Coworker #1: No... She waxed my piercing off through the skin.
Coworker #2: Shit!
Coworker #1: Yeah...
Government Department
London
England
2PM She Got Three Fewer Diseases, Though
Overpaid receptionist: I am so freakin' tired. I've been actually having sex since four o'clock Saturday 'til six o'clock this morning.
Coworker: Ummm, that's nice.
Overpaid receptionist: I'm so sore. I am walking like Sally*. It looks like she was fucked all weekend, but all she did was pull weeds.
North O'Connor Boulevard
Las Colinas, Texas
Overheard by: So that's what 'being rode hard and put away wet' looks like
10AM Tell It to Stop with the Monologues
Secretary: Does your vagina ever get so dry that it twitches?
Passing associate: Uh...
Portland, Oregon
9AM Note to Self: Remove Foot from Mouth. Insert Banana.
IT guy #1: Oops, I dropped my banana.
IT guy #2: Well, that's the great thing about peelable fruit -- the inside is safe.
IT guy #1: Yeah, you can put it anywhere.
555 W 112th Avenue
Northglenn, Colorado
5PM Followed by "Can't Get Off the Couch" and "Help Me, Dr. Phil"
Hospital aide: Yeah, these pants come in 'Large' and 'Holy shit, you're fat'!
Hospital
Monroeville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The other aide
2PM Can They Hear Us from Here?
Intercom: This is an announcement: check your phones to see if they have a dial tone. If they don't, call Administration and let them know.
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: jb
10AM It Just Has to Make Money; It Doesn't Have to Make Sense
Woman: Isn't this the most fucking idiotic thing you've ever had to do in your life?
Senior VP: No, actually, which is really embarrassing.
120 West 106th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: George Feeney
3PM It's Important For Friends to Do Things Together, Don't You Think?
Co-Worker on phone: So I was throwing up in the bathroom, and my three best friends were having sex in the stall next to me.
1601 Cloverfield Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
11AM The Miscarriage Surfaced Three Days Later, Though
Office grunt: So, I had this one night stand with this girl, and the next day I got a phone message that said, 'I had a miscarriage in your toilet.' Then she came back and cleaned my entire apartment and paid my phone bill, and I never heard from her again.
6th and Main Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM I Excel at That
Guy: Can you do me there?
Woman: What?
Guy, yelling: Do me in the spreadsheet!
Rutgers office of Information Technology
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: in the next room
2PM QA
Tester: Dude, did you see this? There's a button in the software that says "Fuck Off."
Designer: So?...That's a feature. Did you press it?
Tester: Yeah...it just went away.
Designer: And did it make you feel better?
Tester: Strangely, yeah. Yeah, it did.
Designer: See?
211 Van Buren Street
Nashville, Indiana
Overheard by: Scott
11AM Staff Meeting (Cont'd)
Associate: I have a idea that might be helpful.
Manager: You know what a suggestion is? It's an OFI: Opportunity For Improvement.
327 West 14th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Fidget
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: I have to leave in like two hours.
Worker #2: I just got here...
Worker #1 & #2: Ha, ha!
Worker #1: Isn't that what flex-time means, anyway?
4 Columbus Circle
New York, NY
Overheard by: cindy
3PM At the Water Cooler
Peon #1: Those Jordanians are really teed off.
Peon #2: Is that even a word?
9115 Harris Corners Parkway
Charlotte, North Carolina
Boss: Did you hear about the terrorist attacks in Jordan?
Secretary: Um, yes; a suicide bomber killed hundreds of people at a wedding.
Boss: You see, you shouldn't attend so many weddings. The odds are against you.
10550 North Torrey Pines Road
La Jolla, California
3PM They're Trading Asian Men
Asian coworker: What are you doing?
Caucasian coworker: Assembling the trade booth so we all know how to do it.
Asian coworker: Trade booth?
Caucasian coworker: For conventions, we set this up so people know who we are.
Asian coworker: What are you trading? Can I trade?
Caucasian coworker: Nevermind! Go back to your desk!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
12PM Addictive and Bad for Your Teeth
Editor #1: I've developed a really bad habit.
Editor #2: What?
Editor #1: A can of Mountain Dew in the afternoon.
Editor #2: Be careful -- Mountain Dew is the crystal meth of sodas.
770 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fax Machine
11AM What I Can See Is Beige
Man: What color is your interior?
Lady: Excuse me?
Man: Uh, uh... Uh... of your car.
Lady: Ohhh.
Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: it's NOT all pink on the inside, i guess
10AM Would You Just Give It a Feel?
Mexican worker: Does my banana look sick to you?
Coworker: I am not looking over there.
306 Oak Court
Beavercreek, Ohio
5PM Taking You to Strip Clubs Doesn't Exactly Constitute 'Feeding'
Coworker #1: Is it wrong that I was breastfed until I was 16?
Coworker #2: By your dad?
Legal Seafood
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Bottle Fed
3PM And I'm Not 100% Sure about Kangaroos, Either
Pizza Hut driver: Would you rather fight a kangaroo or wolverine?
Pizza Hut CSR: Well, kangaroos are pretty tough, but wolverines aren't real.
7th Street and Union Hills
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM Which I Have to Drink to Forget
Female clerk: When I get that drunk I always end up stealing something or get something stolen from me.
Male clerk: Maybe you shouldn't get so drunk.
Female clerk: I wouldn't, but I can't afford good coke with this shit job.
Oslo
Norway
1PM The Gun In My Hand Will Be the Tip-Off
Guy #1: Hey, I thought you left already. When is your last day?
Guy #2: No, I'm still here until Thursday. Why?
Guy #1: I just wanted to know when you're still just working here and when I should call security.
7-Eleven, 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Set My Expectations Low, and I Still Got Burned
Coworker, after snow predicted night before: So, I want to know what happened to the one to three inches I was promised.
Portland, Oregon
10AM Think I Just PDA'd Myself
Editor to coworker whose loud text alert goes off in meeting: Matt*, when your crotch cries out, we all stop and take notice.
Bay Avenue
Stafford, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
1PM It's Amazing He Can Be Such a Good Lawyer, Despite Being Blind
Female staffer #1: You know what David* said to me? He said, "In case you know anyone who's having a vasectomy, I have some advice for you to give them." And then he told me about how they gave him a jock strap to wear after his surgery to keep everything in place, but that the one they gave him was too small. And I said, "David! I don't want to hear any more!" But he kept talking about how uncomfortable it was to wear a jock strap that was too small for him after having his vasectomy. I was afraid he was going to start describing exactly how his balls were getting squeezed.
Female staffer #2: See, that's a perfect example of how David is always so passive. If he weren't so passive, he'd just say, "I want everyone to know I'm hung like a horse."
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
4PM What Jesus Would Have Done
Man: Was this in DC?
Woman: No! It was in Maryland, where I live! Right behind my condo building! I was so upset!
Man: Huh.
Woman: If I had a gun, I tell you what: I would have shot him as he was running away. I was so upset. The little bitch would have been dead. [She exits the elevator] Have a blessed day!
5600 Fishers Lane
Rockville, Maryland
9AM What Passes for Nightlife in Baltimore
Office girl #1: Last night, when I went up on my roof to smoke, I saw the masturbator again.
Office girl #2: I'm coming over!
Eutaw Street
Baltimore, Maryland
5PM Hint: Last Year's Office Christmas Party
Merchandiser #1: Do you really want to name this catalog spread 'Circle Jerk'? Doesn't that sound a little porn-ish?
Merchandiser #2: Why? What do you think 'circle jerk' means?
Monroe, Louisiana
2PM No, Lynn Finished It! Weren't You Listening?
Woman: Sam* is a big cookie ho, and I'm the cookie monitor, and Lynn* is the cake finisher--
Sam, from next cubicle: --There's cake?!
Congress Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kitty
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: Stupid fucking Back Office Support people are retarded.
Worker #2: Fuck the fucking fuckers.
Worker #1: Amen...without the sex part.
Worker #2: Heh, their pillow talk would go something like this: "You are the one that is hot, that is what I am telling you now."
1601 Bryan Street
Dallas, Texas
9AM Guess We Could Tell Her Who's Dead, but What Fun Is That?
Female coworker #1, sobbing in bathroom: I can't believe he's dead!
Female coworker #2: Neither can I!
Female coworker #3: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Senior female partner, entering bathroom: Having a bad day? [Coworkers #2 and #3 nod.] You know what works for me?
Female coworker #3: Oh... Yes? What would that be?
Senior female partner: I put one hand over my heart, and the other hand over my stomach. I breathe in deeply. I then say to myself, 'I'm here. I'm right here, right now.' It works every time! I feel better straight away! [Long silence, then] Okay, well, [waves goodbye and leaves].
Female coworker #3: Wow. You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Collins Street
Melbourne
Australia
4PM I'd Like to Push Another Boulder Up a Different Hill
Employee #1: If you want to send me your resume, I'll see if they're looking to hire designers. I think they are.
Employee #2: Does the place resemble Hell?
Employee #1: You mean like here?
Employee #2: Yeah. Like, if it's a few shades lighter red, and about half the amount of writhing souls, I'd be interested.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: cube prisoner
5PM I'll Start, and You Take Over When I Get Dizzy
Coworker to another, finding that doughnuts are gone: You wanna just lick the box with me?
Fredericksburg, Virginia
4PM He Just Ordered a Pizza
Lady cube dweller: Well, didn't you get bigger last time?
Man cube dweller: Yeah, but I was thinking about something else.
Lady cube dweller: What were you thinking about?!
Man cube dweller: Your sister.
Lady cube dweller: You're an asshole.
Man cube dweller: Well, she is my girlfriend.
4015 Shore Drive
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Not her sister
1PM And I Have Candy
Female worker about to take a walk: You sure you don't want to go with me?
Male worker: No.
Female worker: I'll go topless.
515 North State Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Glad I'm not leaving my cube for another hour
2PM Trust Me, They're More Afraid of You Than You Are of Them
Data entry guy #1: Ya know what freaks me out?
Data entry guy #2: Um... What?
Data entry guy #1: Canadians.
Dallas, Texas
4PM Call Me "Bitch" or Nothing at All
Timid 20-year-old: Excuse me, ma'am...
Sassy 30-year-old: I know you didn't just 'Ma'am' me!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
11AM She's Seen Life Goes On, the Director's Cut
Peon #1, after dealing with an idiot tech from another company: Maybe she has an extra chromosome.
Peon #2: Are you saying she has Downs Syndrome?
Peon #3: Maybe it's like in Dune where you have the extra chromosome and you're super-human.
Peon #2: Something tells me Frank Herbert wasn't a geneticist.
Peon #1: I don't know. Some of those retards are really strong. They'll rip your fuckin' arms off.
160 South Old Springs Road
Anaheim Hills, California
Overheard by: ApollyonBoB
4PM Being the Truth Fairy Is Less Fun Than I Thought It Would Be
Bearded man in green pixie wig, pink feather boa, and fairy wings: I think about death every day.
577 Western Avenue
Westfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: it's halloween
9AM And by Nice, I Mean "How Soul-Destroyingly Gauche"
Office girl #1 in skimpy outfit gathering promotional material: You look whipped.
Office girl #2: Yeah... I had a date. I didn't get home until four A.M.
Office girl #1: I didn't get to sleep until four A.M., either, but that's because I was having sex... with my man...
Office girl #2: Yeah, I was at a bar. It was the first date. We got really drunk and I rode him in the booth.
Office girl #1: Nice.
1142 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hellooo... I am sitting right here!
5PM I Don't Have to Imagine. Wait, Did I Say That out Loud?
Editor #1 watching CNN: Can you imagine how hot JonBenet would be by now?
Editor #2: What?
333 N Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
2PM They Will Go on Forever Like This If Not Stopped
Cube guy #1: I'm gonna need your help today getting into the client.
Cube guy #2: Didn't you do what I told you to do yesterday?
Cube guy #1: Oh, yeah. That worked -- I got in from the back end, but I want to get in the front of the box.
Cube guy #2: Well, to get in the front end of the client you need to follow a very different procedure.
Cube guy #1: Right, that's what I need. I'm hoping you could give me a little direction if you've ever done it that way.
Cube guy #2: Sure, that's the way I usually go in.
Internet company
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
12PM My God, They Could Breed!
Engineer #1: What's up? Where have you been the last couple of days?
Engineer #2: I threw my back out from wearing armor all day Sunday.
Engineer #1: Bummer. Plate mail is tough on your back. I usually wear a heating pad under it.
Commercial Street
Manchester, New Hampshire
4PM They Should Get Married
Giddy woman: You like alcohol, don't you?
Not-So-Giddy woman: I like when everyone around me's drunk. It makes my life easier.
Giddy woman: I like when I'm drunk. It makes my life easier.
10 Exchange Place
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: 3rd cubicle to the left
9AM ... From My Mom
30-ish guy shouting from desk: What's a MILF? [Everyone laughs.] No, really -- what is a MILF? I just got an e-mail about it!
Virginia
9AM A Nice One -- Not Too Expensive
Coworker #1: Congrats on your bush transplant!
Coworker #2: Thanks!
Coworker #3, overhearing: Uh, yeah, congrats on your bush transplant. I didn't know that was a procedure. Was it medically necessary?
Coworker #2 to #1: You should have said 'shrubbery' instead!
Austin, Texas
10AM The Real Battle Is between Flesh and Synthetic Fibers
Coworker #1: So how did your tennis match go last night?
Brad*: Um, I'd rather not talk about it.
Coworker #2: Nobody wins when Brad wears tennis shorts.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
2PM Like a Play within a Play, but with Much More Poop
Volunteer to another, in giraffe house: You should have been here last night -- it was a total zoo.
Denver Zoo
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Randy Peterman
9AM I, Um, Think I'm Late for a Meeting
Trashy coworker: Don't ya hate when you're on the rag and your husband rolls over in the night with a boner, wantin' to poke ya?
Franklin Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Violet White
12PM It's a Little Sticky
Guy #1: Have you ever been caught masturbating in the bathroom?
Guy #2: What?! No, of course not!
Guy #1: Oh, okay... Good spot, ain't it?
Antwerp
Belgium
Overheard by: meneither
3PM Turn Racism into a Fun Office Game!
Coworker #1: I would have been up all night with my shotgun.
Coworker #2: Why? The cops already had the perpetrator.
Coworker #1: Whatever, you're just saying that because he was black... otherwise he would have just been a suspect.
Coworker #2: Ummm, the guy was white. I never said he was black. All I said was he wasn't wearing shoes.
Pacific Drive
Lexington Park, Maryland
Overheard by: Perpetrators
5PM How You Can Tell Who Went to Catholic School
Coworker #1: The film was so violent... I don't really like realistic-looking violence.
Coworker #2: Yeah, neither do I. Although, I did get some perverse enjoyment from watching The Passion of the Christ.
Coworker #1: But in this one it's all the nice people getting hurt.
500 Harris Street
Ultimo, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Dan
9AM That Clarification Smells Fishy
Coworker: Can I get the first initial of your last name?
Insurance rep: 'C' as in 'pussy.'
Coworker: I'm sorry -- 'C' as in what?!
Insurance rep: 'C' like 'pussy.' You know -- pussycat.
Doctor's office
Dallas, Texas
2PM After Eight Days of This, You Get the Miracle of Hanukkah
Lady: Where do skidmarks come from?
Guy: I don't know, but in the evening when I undress, there they are.
5400 West Sample Road
Margate, Florida
5PM Just Accept That Some of Your Colleagues Will Be Scumbags
Male peon in restroom: Hey, I didn't know we had soap in here!
8110 South Harvard Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Icked out female coworker
12PM Like If You Put Bleach in My Coffee
Line cook #1: Man, I had a friend that just got fired after being at her job for 20 years. That's messed up.
Line cook #2: That's terrible. What happened?
Line cook #1: She put bleach in her coworker's coffee. She said it was just a practical joke, and they fired her for that, after 20 years.
Line cook #2: She did what?!
Line cook #1: She said it was a practical joke.
Line cook #2: Man, if I wanted to kill someone you'd know it. I'd just stab you.
4550 Scott Avenue
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Never eating there again
1PM I'm Tired of Dating Doughboys
Jersey office girl: Hey, my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: Dumpling?
Jersey office girl: Yeah! You're my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: A dumpling is not so nice. I'd rather be a bread stick.
West 28th Street
New York, New York
2PM Being a Muppet Is Not a Choice; They're Made That Way
Security guard #1: You hear about that wedding today? Someone's gettin' married in the park.
Security guard #2: Who? Bert and Ernie?
GR rep: Not in this state.
Sesame Place
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
9AM Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation's Bouncing Around
Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, 'What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?' But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You're making me sick. It's like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you'll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she's dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I'm eating at my desk.
1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Just lost my appetite
9AM Back to Work
Worker on cell: Sorry about that. I had a pencil in my hand and when I
put the phone to my head, I stabbed myself in the face.
1950 Summit Park Drive
Orlando, Florida
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: Didn't you wear that shirt two days ago?
Co-worker #2: Huh? What? I don't know...
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I remember you had that sweater on a couple of days back.
Co-worker #2: Did you look that up on www.victoriaknowswhateveryonewears.com? Oh wait, it kicks back to another site, www.gofuckyourselfvictoria.com.
460 West 34th Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: Every time I board an airplane nowadays, I look around and figure out who I'm going to eat if we crash.
115 Perimeter Center Place NE
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM ... In Farsi
Office chick: Is that an Islamic newspaper?
Office guy: It's the Wall Street Journal.
15 East 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Erak
5PM Don't Bring Me Solutions, Bring Me Problems!
Woman #1: I hate living alone.
Woman #2: I love living alone.
Woman #1: It sucks going home to nobody, having nobody to talk to -- it just sucks.
Woman #2: You want to live together?
Woman #1: No!
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
10AM Why Workplaces Should Have Principals' Offices
Short woman whispering to self, as tall man holds door for her: Shit. Unbelievable. [Tall man stares at her.]
Tall man, to another woman: You know, she did this to me once before. I had to ride the elevator with her muttering to herself about me until another elevator opened across the hall and she ran away into it. [Continues staring at short woman until elevator stops.]
Short woman, yelling as exits the elevator: Maybe it's because you smell!
Other woman: Well, aren't you a charming thing. [Doors shut.]
330 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dirty Librarian
12PM God, I Miss Elementary School
Woman: I don't know if I remember that movie. When did it come out?
Man: Sometime in the '70s, I think.
Woman: Oh. I definitely wasn't sober then.
Nevada
11AM You Could Still Take a Black Lover
Office peon #1: I met my husband in Ireland, but he's from South Africa originally.
Office peon #2: You're going to have such beautiful babies.
Office peon #1: Well, I think so, but why do you?
Office peon #2: Half-black babies are always beautiful.
Office peon #1: My husband isn't black.
Office peon #2: He's not?
Office peon #3: Sally*, not everyone in South Africa is black. In fact, the majority of South Africans are white. Haven't you heard of apartheid?
Office peon #2: Yeah, I guess.
Town Street
Columbus, Ohio
12PM Like Me, the Audience Would Be Small, but Devoted
Desk jockey #1: Do you ever think you might be the star of your own Truman show?
Desk jockey #2: Man, that would be a show with a lot of wanking!
Munster Road
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Marshall
9AM A Glimpse of Shapely Ankles Cost Oswald His Composure
Lady on phone: No, he did not get in. He did make an attempt, but things went south from there... I was wearing my skirt with the slit up the side. Nooo, you can only see somethin' when I am sitting down... Because I am a lady.
18th and L Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM A Troop of Boy Scouts Disappeared in There in 1985
Female employee #1: I can't wear thong underwear, because they go up into my pussy crack.
Female employee #2: What?! How big are you down there?
Female employee #1: Oh, it's fucking huge.
Fontana, California
4PM That's What You Get for Vetoing My Slip-n-Slide Idea
Female coworker #1: You can't blow them if you're laughing.
Female coworker #2: I guess that's true.
Female coworker #3: Even when I blow them they keep coming back into my face. This is why you should not have bubbles at an office party!
Houston, Texas
4PM Jim's Not That Kind of Guy
Coworker #1: Did Jim* tell you that you had to sniff these to make sure the sensors weren't burnt?
Coworker #2: Sniff what?
Coworker #1: These units.
Coworker #2: No, Jim did not ask if I would sniff units.
133 Aviation Boulevard
Santa Rosa, California
1PM Must... Resist... 'Crappy Gift'... Joke...
Guy #1: So, what did you get her for Christmas?
Guy #2: Oh, man, she's gonna love it -- I got her a padded toilet seat!
Guy #1: Cool.
Lime Ridge Mall, 999 Upper Wentworth Street
Hamilton, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: laughing myself stupid
10AM I'm Sure They Felt a Vague Sense of Discomfort
Dude: I bought a tea today in the first time in months.
Chick: I'm proud of you...?
Dude: Well, I threw it away when I got back here.
Chick: What? Why?
Dude: There wasn't any sugar in it.
Chick: Did you ask for sweet tea? Wait, we're in the South -- it should just be assumed you want sweet tea.
Dude: Yeah, I know, right? But it wasn't.
Chick: You should have asked them if they just weren't catering to their southern customers and made a scene. That would have been fun.
Dude: Well, I did yell at them. I was, like, four miles away at the time, but I was really cussing them out.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Or I'll Just Start Using My Health Insurance Card
Dude #1: I've lost five ATM cards this year.
Dude #2: How do you lose five ATM cards?
Dude #1: Doing a lot of coke... I'm thinking about stopping with the coke.
Haight Street and Clayton Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Have You Heard That Crazy Rumor about Tanning?
Woman #1: Well, we were stupid back then. We thought cracking your knuckles was cool -- we didn't realize it could lead to arthritis.
Woman #2, taking a drag on her cigarette: Yeah, we just didn't know.
7715 Chevy Chase Drive
Austin, Texas
4PM Or Was It Amblyopia?
Golfer to coworker: I'm lucky I'm ambidextrous -- great for my game.
Woman: You want to be careful -- I know someone who died of that.
Finance Centre
Dublin
Ireland
9AM Jeez, You Don't Leave Me Much Room to Maneuver
Co-Worker #1: Hey, I got a new joke. Anyone want to hear it?
Co-Worker #2: Not if it involves poop.
Co-Worker #3: Or chickens.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: disturbed
12PM Grandma: These Rocks Ain't Gonna Move Themselves!
Coworker on phone: Granny was outside talkin' with the crack fiend. I was like, 'Granny, get away from that crack fiend!'
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: katie
4PM There's No Room for Books at This Water Cooler
Coworker: Did you watch The Office last night?
Temp: No, I was reading.
Coworker: Well, buddy, you're working XYZ* Cable now. You better catch up so you know what we're talking about.
Temp: I'm a temp, I'm done this week anyway.
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Sixtwentysix
9AM But Here's One for the Record Books...
Boss: I smell fart.
Male coworker: Yeah, I smell fart.
Female coworker: It smells like fart.
Male coworker: Did you fart?
Boss: Did you fart?
Female coworker: No. I would fart but that one wasn't mine.
8531 Olive Blvd
St Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: The Girl
10AM Taking the 'Vice' Out of 'Sleeping With the Vice-President,' One Rationalization at a Time
Woman #1: He had such a big penis.
Woman #2: Oh my God, that is so hot. Did you hear about Richard*?
Woman #1: But he is a subordinate! I am not cheating on my husband with a subordinate. It feels more guilty that way. At least I feel like I'm gaining more than pleasure from sleeping with the exec.
Main Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
12PM It's My Fitness Program
Female co-worker: Yeah, these bruises on my legs? I wish I could say they were from S&M. Actually, I was just drunkenly stumbling around.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McN
3PM Its Job Is Done
Rail-thin colleague: Do you know that when you're pregnant your brain actually physically shrinks?
Pregnant colleague: Oh, don't tell me that! Everything else gets bigger, and my freaking brain shrinks?!
415 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fertile Bystander
11AM That Certainly Gives You More Career Choices
30-something coworker to staff member's nephew: So, you can get weapons... Can you also cast spells and do magic?
Nephew, playing a medieval computer game: Yeah. That's called 'Religion.' Some people get really into religion, but I don't. I just like killing stuff.
University of Sydney office
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Wil Dog
10AM What Can I say, it Gets his Wife hot
Coworker on phone: You'd be an amazing human being if you brought me some nibbles on your way here. If not, then you're clearly the mongoloid I always suspected you to be.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
5PM So Not Why I Went to College
Cube girl: Man, being on my knees down here really hurts...
Greenville, Texas
Overheard by: me next?
1PM The Truth Is Just too Explosive
Female coworker #1: I just don't know what to tell my kid.
Female coworker #2: What about?
Female coworker #1: Well, my six-year-old wants to know what's the difference between a lamb and a sheep.
Female coworker #2: Oh, that's tough. What are you going to tell her?
Female coworker #1: I dunno, probably that they are just similar species.
South Research Place
Central Islip, New York
10AM He Asked What I Thought of Our New Mission Statement
Analyst #1: I pooped next to the CEO today.
Analyst #2: Like, in his office?
1 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Paul
3PM Why You Should Never Work with Your Wife
Coworker: Hey, Jill*, do we have any in stock?
Jill: Yes.
Coworker: Do you even know what I'm looking for?
Jill: No.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: SK
12PM Like Marshmallow Fluff on Your Cocoa!
Office chick: How was your weekend?
Office guy: I got a sunburn! Look, my skin is flaking off! [Rubs his arm.]
Office chick: Stop! You're flaking into my coffee!
San Antonio, Texas
9AM Sarah Tobias: 'Too Late.'
Female employee: Man, I'm soo busy today. Why is everyone taking advantage of me?
Male employee: I dunno.
Female employee: Oh well, maybe I just let people take advantage of me. It's just easier that way.
Male employee: Some advice: don't ever say that in a bar.
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Chicago, Illinois
3PM I'll Be Anything If It'll Get Me Laid
Employee #1: Is anyone here a feminist?
Employee #2: What's that?
Employee #1: So, that would be a no...
1301 Central Avenue
Evanston, Illinois
5PM Woody Was Forced to Give Up His Dream of Drunken Chainmail Canoe Wrestling
Worker bee #1: I don't know how good an idea that is in a canoe.
Worker bee #2: What? At worst, they could get you for public intoxication.
Worker bee #1: I'm not worried about the legal ramifications. I'm worried about the drowning ramifications.
9000 Plymouth Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM He Books the WWE Package Tours
Travel agent #1: I would go back there in a heartbeat. China was so awesome.
Travel agent #2: I heard that China was insane.
Travel agent #3: Any ugly girl wrestler has to be a little insane. I mean, Chyna was the craziest woman wrestler ever.
Travel agent #1: Ummm... yeah.
Jasper Avenue
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
4PM Nah, I'll Just Stick with Investing in the Perpetual Motion Machine
Coworker: But what if these Nigerian e-mails are real and people are making a lot of money off them? What about me? I bet that I could get rich.
249 W 17th Street
New York, New York
4PM I Have to Prepare Myself with Prayer and Meditation
Old lady coworker, about four-year-old niece: I'm minding Lydia* tonight, so I thought I'd leave early to read the directions on the macaroni and cheese.
1500 JFK Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: it takes an hour
9AM Calls It 'The Arkansas Traveler'
Lady: Does your massage therapist work through knots well?
Guy: Yeah, and she even has this jackhammer apparatus to do your butt with.
400 West Capitol
Little Rock, Arkansas
Overheard by: Sounds Scary!
9AM And Whistle While I Work
Worker #1: She is too hot.
Worker #2: Do you want to touch her where she wees?
Worker #3: I want to touch her while she wees.
Norwich
England
4PM I Read That in a Fortune Cookie Once
Girl: God, she is such a bitch!
Guy, matter-of-factly: Hos gotta be bitches or they get no respect.
540 Baxter Street
Athens, Georgia
4PM Oh, Who Am I Kidding? We Are Absolutely Going Back There
Coworker: Well, then we've got something to do next week. But we're not going back to that place. It was nasty. My van smells like a hooker died in it.
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
12PM Just Like Popular Music
Office girl #1: White chocolate is such a sham. They take out the best part.
Office girl #2: The brown?
Southlake, Texas
5PM There Seem to Be Fewer Anne Frank Jokes
Coworker #1: Helen Keller... She's the blind one, right?
Coworker #2: Yeah. Blind and deaf.
Coworker #1: I always get her and Anne Frank confused.
Coworker #2: What? Why? Because they're both girls?
Coworker #1: Yeah, and they both wrote diaries.
Coworker #2: Uh, I don't think Helen Keller kept any diaries.
800 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM The First One's Free
Dude: I don't know -- I just don't trust that North Korea isn't going to keep testing those narcotic bombs.
9070 Junction Drive
Annapolis Junction, Maryland
5PM That Reminds me, I have to go let Mom out of the Stocks
Hick coworker #1: There was nuthin' wrong with slavery. My family had slaves. They was like family.
Hick coworker #2: I know, I agree. My family's slaves didn't leave after emaciation because they were happy. We treated them like family.
Athens, Georgia
Overheard by: Happy I moved to a blue state
12PM FEMA, Is That You?
Engineer: What's the time frame on this? I don't have time for it right now.
Project manager: ASAP, but it can wait for now.
Von Karman Avenue
Irvine, California
4PM You Have to Cut Out Sugar
Guy on phone: Slim-Fast doesn't work if you eat half a cake every night.
Stratford, Connecticut
5PM Gives You Strength to Fight the War on Obesity
Large coworker: What you do is you split the Krispy Kreme in half and grill it, then put the cheeseburger on it, and I swear, it's the best way to have it.
Capitol Hill
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Jessica
3PM If I Don't Give You the Visual, You'll Never Learn
Cube guy #1: Wow, that girl with Tina* is hot. Who is she?
Cube guy #2: That's her daughter.
Cube guy #1: Damn, man! Why isn't she my daughter?
Cube guy #2: What does that mean?
Cube guy #1: I dunno. I meant--
Cube guy #2: --Dude, that means you'd have to sleep with--
Cube guy #1: --I know, I know, I'm sorry! Messed up... You didn't have to give me the visual.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
3PM No Problem, Then
Coworker #1 on speakerphone: How do I Google something?
Coworker #2: Go to W-W-W dot Google dot com. Then just use it like any other search engine.
Coworker #1: What's a search engine?
Coworker #2: You know, like when you use Yahoo or MSN to look something up.
Coworker #1: I've never Googled before in my life, and I never want to again!
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: it actually got worse
1PM And I Have That Phrase on a Plaque in My Cubicle
Web developer #1: This is going to be ugly, but I'm going to do it anyway.
Web developer #2: That's what she said.
Web developer #1: Even I wasn't expecting that one.
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
12PM When You've Had that Many 'Shrooms, who Can be Sure?
BK guy: What did you do this weekend?
BK girl: I went to Ohio for a concert.
BK guy: Ohio? You went all the way over by California for a concert?
BK girl: Ummm... No...
Burger King, Rhode Island
2PM Color Correction Session
Department Head: So, can we update your job description tomorrow morning?
Employee: No, I have a color correction session to attend.
Department Head: Well, I notice you don't take lunch. You're usually at your desk. What about then?
Employee: I do take lunch. I just eat at my desk and read a book or something.
Department Head: Well, how about doing something more productive with that time? Do you want to meet then?
Employee: No.
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM And You're 'About' the Most Intelligent Woman I've Ever Met
Male co-worker: Check out this photo.
Female co-worker: This is an old photo of you.
Male co-worker: Yeah, it was taken around 1991.
Female co-worker: Wow! That was about 27 years ago!
6606 Tussing Road
Reynoldsburg, Ohio
Overheard by: Someone that can add & subtract
5PM Amphibians Have Always Been the Key to American Wealth
Woman: What would you do with a million dollars?
Man: I would buy all the frogs in the world and start a frog farm!
111 Founders Plaza
East Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Bamber
9AM Back to Work
Coworker #1: See, this is my new man bag.
Coworker #2: Oh, nice! So manly.
Coworker #3: Man bag? Sounds like scrotum.
270 County Hospital Road
Quincy, California
12PM Oh, Go Ahead -- I Need to Lose Some Weight, Anyway
Black woman: Cecil* has this giant boil on his back and he got this idea about using the vacuum cleaner...
White woman: Stop! I'm eating lunch here. No stories about boils.
Black woman: Would a story about Cecil's idea about constipation and a vacuum cleaner be alright?
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM Yeah, I Think the Nigerians Took that Over in the '50s
Co-Worker #1: So is Mumbai, like, a country that we do business with?
Co-Worker #2: No, it's a city! It used to be called Bombay before those imperialist American jerks finally pulled out and the native people got their land back.
Co-Worker #1: Oh. So it was Moscow that was the country I was thinking of?
Co-Worker #2: Probably.
323B 41st Avenue
Calgary, Canadia
9AM I Mean, I've Got Kids and They're Horrible
Worker bee #1: I don't understand what pedophiles are thinking.
Worker bee #2: Man, you're not supposed to understand it!
Austin, Texas
10AM She's Saying, 'I Want to Take Your Meeting Minutes'
Man to female coworker: I don't think you understand -- you brought in fried chicken for us. This gesture is a little more serious than, 'I can tolerate your presence,' and quite honestly, I'm not sure if I'm ready to take our relationship to that level.
M Street
Washington, DC
10AM When We Get to 'Two,' Give Me a Push, Okay?
Blonde entering elevator: I tell you, people are lazy.
Brunette: Which people?
Blonde, hitting button for second floor: Everybody. Everybody is lazy!
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: going to 5
3PM Or Maybe Like Epcot without Them
Grunt: I don't like Vegas. Actually, I liked Vegas when the mob ran it. Now it's like Disneyland with hookers.
402 Watertower Circle
Colchester, Vermont
Overheard by: Bastian
10AM I Had to Do Something While the Stereo Was Being Installed
Mousy waitress: Did it take you long to put it in?
Timid waiter: Like an hour.
Brassy waitress, walking up: We talkin' 'bout the big stereo in your car or your big wang in a skeezer's ass?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Why Was That Ever a Valid Question for a Stranger to Ask on the Phone?
Girl #1: Let's prank someone.
Girl #2: Oh! We can call and say, 'Is your refrigerator running?'
Girl #1: Exactly!
Girl #2: ... I forget the punch line to that one.
Girl #1: Yeah... me, too.
330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
10AM They May Be Deltas
Guy #1: I really want to find this book that I read in high school... It was called, like, Brave New World or something.
Guy #2: Um, no, you're thinking of 'I Can Show You the World.'
Guy #1: Oh! ... Wait, no, that's that song from Aladdin.
Guy #2: Oh, yeah... So what section would it be in?
Guy #1: I don't know, Fiction? No, wait -- Non-fiction!
Barnes and Noble
Savannah, Georgia
Overheard by: Leia
2PM If You Steal Other People's Staplers, You Deserve at Least a Coma
Office guy: I mean, I wouldn't wish death on anyone, but if we came back from break and she died... I'd be secretly happy.
Office girl: Yeah. Like, if I had to choose someone in the office to die--
Office guy: --It would be her.
Office girl: Totally.
Office guy: Anyway, have a lovely Christmas!
Office girl: You, too! Happy holidays!
Melbourne
Australia
11AM Nuns Wore Stilettos
Older worker: You know what they used to call those shoes when I was your age?
Peon wearing ballet flats: Um, I'm not sure I want to know...
Older worker: Slut shoes. You could always tell which girls were easy because they wore shoes just like that.
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: wondering what she'd think of my 3-inch heels
10AM Yes, They Were Haitiards
Co-Worker #1: He was born in Spain, but his parents were born in Haitia, right?
Co-Worker #2: You mean Haiti?
25 East Washington Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lesley
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Kinda ridiculous that a George Foreman mini-grill is able to take down power for half of the floor.
Employee #2: Dude, you're grilling in the office and you're going to talk about what's ridiculous?
1899 L Street NW
Washington, DC
8AM I Always Xerox in the Buff
Coworker 1: So where should we do it?
Coworker 2: I don't have to take off my clothes, do I?
Coworker 1: You know you're on speakerphone, right?
555 W. 57th Street
New York, NY
4PM Seem Like There's a Lot You Don't Know
Engineer #1: Congratulations, I heard you got married this week.
Engineer #2: Thanks, man. It was one of the best days of my life.
Engineer #1: Aren't you African though? I didn't know African people got married.
6575 The Corners Pkwy
Norcross, Georgia
11AM I Need a Birthday Present for My Daughter
UPS guy: Hey [FedEx guy] -- while you're in there, can you pick me up some of those neon green spandex?
FedEx guy, delivering to American Apparel: Thong or panties?
UPS guy: Thong -- extra-small.
Story Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
10AM Why We Can't Wait
Recruit: This friend of mine is having a party Sunday. I can't decide whether or not to go.
Coworker: Why wouldn't you?
Recruit: It's in honor of Martin Luther King, Junior.
Coworker: What's wrong with that?
Recruit: Well, it's a lingerie party.
Coworker: Oh...
13th Street and Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: I have a dream
5PM I See Your Attempt at Humor, and I Refuse to Acknowledge It
Deskie #1: What's that smell? Sulfur? Rotten eggs?
Deskie #2: I have it figured out: It's Halloween, and all these girls are walking around with nothing covering areas which haven't been exposed in public since last Halloween.
Deskie #1: I don't get why that is relevant.
Front desk, Central Michigan University
Mount Pleasant, Michigan
Overheard by: Not A Deskie
4PM 'Steaming the Laundry,' From Page 949 of the Kama Sutra
Co-Worker: You need to preheat your hooha. This is too much.
Intern: We're still talking about the steaming the laundry, right?
Pickard Theater
Brunswick, Maine
Overheard by: grappling with zippers
9AM It's Hard to Keep All Those Former Soviet States Straight
Girl: Hey, Pete*, are you feeling smart today?
Guy #1: Maybe, why?
Girl: Do you know if Korea is a separate country, or is it, like, part of China or Japan?
Guy #1: I have no idea. Why do you need to know?
Girl: I'm trying to look up UPS rates for Korea, but I can't find Korea.
Guy #1: Troy*!
Guy #2: Yes?
Guy #1: Is Korea a separate country from China or Japan?
Guy #2: Yes.
Girl: OK, well, I can't find it on the drop-down. Is it called something else?
Guy #2: Republic of Korea?
Girl: No.
Guy #2: South Korea?
Girl: Oh... OK, there it is!
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM Then I Huff Glue in the Supply Closet and Cheer Right Up
Agent #1: I am really upset today about something I saw on the History Channel...
Agent #2: Was it about Nazis?
Agent #1: No, it was about the universe. There are theories out there that say the universe will end in about five billion years.
Agent #2: And that upsets you? Why?
Agent #1: Well, if it is all just going to up and end one day, then what's the point of me doing all this paperwork bullshit?
Agent #2: Oh, I know, it really gets to me too, sometimes.
Washington, DC
2PM The Wrong Sort of Angel
Radio: 'So if your life has been touched by alcohol or substance abuse...'
Construction guy: That's me!
125th Street and Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Nah, You've Got Nine Months to Pick a Name
Girl #1: So we had sex last night and we didn't use a condom and I'm ovulating.
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Should I be worried?
10th & Washington
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM The Sacrifice of the Mascot
Office grunt #1: Isn't there some word for that sort of recursive image? Like the pig who's about to eat a piece of bacon, or the chicken with a bucket of KFC under her arm?
Office grunt #2: Yeah, and what about Kool-Aid Man traipsing around with a jug of Kool-Aid?
Office grunt #1: Oh, yeah!
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
4PM Too-Much-Information Technology
Coworker: Thank you for calling ABC Tech Support*. Can I have your name, please? ... While we're waiting for the information to come up in our system, you wouldn't happen to know how they execute their criminals in China...? I just ask because I heard that they sell the organs of condemned criminals over there.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Glad I wasn't on the phone at the time
4PM Just Easily Distracted. Look -- a Bug!
Accountant: It was my son's first day of second grade, and it took him two hours to do his homework.
Sales rep: Awww, poor guy. What kind of homework?
Accountant: It was a word search...
Sales rep: [Silence.]
Accountant: But he's not stupid or anything.
2100 Lafayette Street
Louisiana
5PM I Told You to Stop Taking Shortcuts through the Elementary School
Coworker #1: Yeah, Sue* and I were in the middle of a big drug deal this morning.
Coworker #2: Nice! I walked through a prostitution ring on my way here.
2110 Western Avenue
Seattle, Washington
4PM And All Its Dancing Queens
Office grunt: Why the fuck does Stan* have to listen to ABBA all day? God, I hate Sweden.
Hillsboro, Texas
Overheard by: Purchasing Slave
10AM Dessert!
Office chick on phone: My mom is making me a huge meal tonight for my birthday... Bacon-wrapped filet mignon with blue cheese on top, Caesar salad, and roasted potatoes.
Neighboring cube guy: I just nutted a little on my keyboard.
4004 East Chapel Hill Parkway
Durham, North Carolina
11AM Don't Forget Your Pooping Aspirations
Employee #1: There was a mouse in the hall. Did you kill it?
Employee #2: No, it's just an animal. All it wants to do is find food and propagate the species.
Employee #3: Kind of like me.
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Loki
12PM Agnes Realizes She May Have Shared Too Much at Lunch
Peon #1: Stop yelling! You're just like my dad!
Peon #2: Yeah, except I'm not drunk and I'm not beating you.
Braintree, Massachusetts
Overheard by: not there anymore
2PM I Meant the Toaster with the Smiley Face on It
Engineer #1: I'm going to head back to where I've been working. Nobody knows where it is. I call it my happy place.
Engineer #2: Take a muffin!
Engineer #1: Nice! I just want half, though.
Engineer #2: Don't take half! Take the whole thing. [To Engineer #3] Stick the rest of that muffin in your happy place.
Engineer #3: That's disgusting.
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Nic
1PM The Meditations of Barkus Aurelius
Peon #1: It's written mostly from the perspective of the dog...
Peon #2: So is it fiction?
Publisher's office
New York, New York
4PM She Got Pregnant During a Gang Bang
Co-Worker #1: My sister just had her baby this morning!
Co-Worker #2: How exciting! Wait, who just had a baby last month?
Co-Worker #1: My sister.
Co-Worker #2: The same one?
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
1PM Lunch
Office Manager: How do you spell "Useta"?
Co-worker: Use it in a sentence.
Office Manager: I "useta" drink Cokes; now I only drink water.
Co-worker: That is an Arkansas word.
1700 Westpark Drive
Little Rock, Arkansas
4PM Christmas Party (Cont'd)
Agent #1: Why is that dog wearing a "W" on its head?
Agent #2: That's not a "W"; it's obviously an "M." It's just upside down.
Bystander: Um...those are reindeer antlers.
7145 SE 21st Avenue
Portland, Oregon
11AM Unlike Tap Dancers?
Electronics clerk: If I were a tap dancer, I'd tap dance all over the store.
Jewelry clerk: Like this? [Flails arms and pretends to tap dance.]
Electronics clerk: No... That was gay.
2600 Midland Boulevard
Ft. Smith, Arizona
Overheard by: i love my job
11AM But It's That Kind of Go-Get-'em Attitude That Makes It So Hard For Me to Retire
Co-Worker #1: So, your last day is coming up, right?
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, thank God for that.
Co-Worker #1: I wonder who they will replace you with. Maybe the homeless guy on the street. I bet he could do as good as you.
Co-Worker #2: I'm not sure I like your style.
Santa Monica, California
1PM Precious Little of That at My House
Female coworker: So, did you get laid last night?
Male coworker: No, the cleaning crew came in before we could.
Female coworker: Pity. I came in this morning sniffing around for the smell of pussy and latex.
Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: the sugar monster
3PM Like Mothballs, with a Hint of Vicks
Guy: I can't stand Red Bull. It tastes like old people.
Girl drinking Red Bull: You know what that tastes like?
Lucent Boulevard
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Red Bull Ben
12PM He Bought It From This Little Old Lady Who Said She Had Trouble With Flooding
Female co-worker: My uncle just bought a condom in Brooklyn. It's a real nice place.
Male co-worker: Really?
Female co-worker: Uh huh.
99 Church Street
New York, New York
2PM Doctor, We've All Developed These Murderous Impulses
Old coworker: You don't know anything about the Beatles.
Young coworker: Sure I do. They were influenced by the Monkees.
90 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Shaun G
9AM This Could Explain Why Her Teeth Chipped Yesterday Morning
Woman #1: Oh, look at the pretty rock!
Woman #2: Um... that's part of a blueberry muffin.
Woman #1: Oh.
Monument Circle
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Gitcher Eyes Checked
2PM Why Glade Discontinued Their 'Tequila Passions' Line
Korean chick, gasping: It smells like drunk Mexican in here!
144 South Glendale Avenue
Glendale, California
1PM Life: 1 Art: 0
Male coworker: How's the book I lent you?
Female coworker: It's good. I got up to the part where he changes his name, but I was on the bus and a girlfriend started fighting with her boyfriend, so I stopped reading to watch that.
139 Highland Street
Port Chester, New York
Overheard by: soon to be hired
10AM And So Igneous to Use a Dictionary
Coworker: I just love paying bills online -- it is just so easy.
Blonde coworker: I know, it's so great.
Coworker: The computer has really made things efficient.
Blonde coworker: I know -- it is, like, sooo Antarctic to pay your bills by check nowadays.
30th floor, 55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Greg Case
9AM Did I Mention the Horses in Gynecological Stirrups?
Medical scientist #1: You know, they've got sheep in the basement...
Medical scientist #2: Our basement?!
Medical scientist #1: Yeah. It's for heart surgery experiments. They bring them up for MRIs at night.
Medical scientist #2: There are sheep using our MRI machines?!
Medical scientist #1: Well, they're only small ones...
Hospital, Flemington Road
Parkville, Victoria
Australia
5PM When I Went There on Vacation
Coworker #1: New Mexico is a state? Since when?
Coworker #2: Uh, for quite some time now.
Coworker #1: Oh. Well, I didn't know West Virginia was a state until last year.
New York, New York
Overheard by: She has a college degree
2PM Only to Women I Really Cared About
Concerned lady coworker: How is Ellen*? Did she find a new job yet?
Ellen's boyfriend: No, she hasn't even looked. Her self-esteem is really bad right now.
Concerned lady coworker: Awww -- you have to tell her she's beautiful every day.
Ellen's boyfriend: No! I can't do it. I won't do it!
Concerned lady coworker: Come on, lie to her. I'm sure you've lied to women before.
11442 West Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
3PM I Didn't Say You'd Contributed Much
Cube rat girl: You've really contributed to my progress as a human being. Like, I've learned all these new terms from you. Like 'owned,' and 'oh, word?' And 'meh'!
Cube rat guy: See? So what would your life be like without me?
Cube rat girl: Well, I think pretty much the same, but with a few less words.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
11AM But Either Way, Really
Coworker #1: Do you want to meet in your cube, or should we get a room or something?
Coworker #2: I'm not sure I like how you phrased that...
290 Concord Road
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Heard everything
12PM And Yet, Here You Are
Coworker #1: Man, if I found out my kid was retarded before it was born, I'd get it aborted. It's not like it's going to contribute to society.
Coworker #2: Except to give jobs to teachers who want to teach retarded kids.
Coworker #1: Yeah, and if my kid was going to be physically retarded but his brain was going to be fine, I'd give him up for adoption. That way I can have a normal one -- but I didn't kill him in case he's like Stephen Hawking.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Prochoice to a new level
12PM I Take the Short Bus and Work in the Short Cubicle
Coworker #1: Hey. Hey! Laura, c'mere, I need your help.
Laura: What?
Coworker #3 (passing by): What are you guys doing?
Laura: Unzipping her. She gets stuck in her coat, like, twice a day, and I keep having to get her out of it.
1800 Connecticut Ave, NW
Washington, DC
2PM Call Tech Support
Co-worker: I think my computer just froze up. The mouse pointer won't move on the screen.
Supervisor: Did you check the batteries?
1350 Massachusetts Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Today was like International Day at McDonalds this morning. Not one person spoke with a Midwest accent...I was gonna be like, "Oh, they are so fucking up my breakfast."
Worker #2: Did you hear that there are more terrorists in Ohio?
Worker #1: Yeah? First they want to blow up our malls here in the city, now kill the President. They are always in Ohio. You never hear about them in like, Montana. That's where the Nazis are.
Worker #3: Yeah, the terrorists are up there on the 4th floor...You should go up there.
Worker #2: I'm not going up there.
Worker #1: They do have a nice floor up there.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
5PM Here Comes a Long Weekend!
Co-worker #1: Hey, we get off for February 20th, too.
Co-worker #2: Oh, for President's Day? Wait, when is Independence Day? That's in the summer, right?
Co-worker #1: Uh, yeah, that's July 4th.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker: This is the hard part. Yep, it still looks like tomato soup.
5801 South Wintersburg Road
Tonopah, Arizona
10AM Call an Ambulance
Receptionist: What happened to your light?
Worker: The switch broke off.
Receptionist: Well, how can you work in the dark? Are they going to fix it?
Worker: [Chris] went to shut off the fuse so that he can work on it.
Receptionist: Here, I'll fix it.
Worker: Stop it, you'll electrocute yourself!
11 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM Logicians Tell Us This Is 'Trivially True'
Receptionist: Why would he think he could do that? Why would he think I'd be interested?
Coworker: I don't know. Did you give him some kind of sign?
Receptionist: What? Because I was nice?! I'm nice to every one-legged hooker with an eyepatch who comes in here!
East Osborn
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: It Happens Every Day
3PM Nope, Just Thought You Might Need Help Getting That Desk onto Your Truck
Assistant: Are you stealing things already?
Marketing rep: Are you saying that because I'm black?
9401 West Brown Deer Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: T
9AM Is It Possible Semen Doesn't Cure Gingivitis, Either?
Lady coworker #1 reading a website: Here it says, 'Sleep is the best cure for a headache.'
Lady coworker #2: My boyfriend always says sex is the best cure for a headache... He's lying to me!
University of Münster
Germany
10AM The Meter Is Running Even As We Speak
Incompetent project manager, after asking redundant questions: Um... Are you going to charge this time to my project?
Competent cube dweller: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna charge this! I'm gonna charge the fuck outta this project!
940 6th Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Carver Stone
5PM I Can't Wait Until It's Over the Counter!
Woman #1: I haven't been feeling well at all lately.
Woman #2: You know what's really good? Aleve.
Woman #1: What?!
Woman #2: Aleve.
Woman #1: Oh, I thought you said, 'weed'!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eve's droppings
12PM Luckily It Was Faulkner, So Neither of Us Understood It Anyway
Lady peon: So, I was going home on the train the other night, and this drunk guy sat next to me, and I was just sitting reading my book, and I could tell that he was looking at me, so I wasn't looking at him. And then he starts talking, and I realize he's been reading over my shoulder the entire time and now he's reading out loud, and I was like, 'Hey! I haven't even gotten to that part yet!'
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Just People with Bad Hair Making Fun of People with Good Hair
Foreign coworker: What does it mean, 'nappy-headed hos'?
333 Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
3PM And Devote Your Full Attention to It
Peon #1: Did you devote your full attention to this?
Peon #2: Bite me.
Wausau, Wisconsin
4PM In Tribute to What God Did on the Eighth Day
Worship leader: So, we're gonna drop the last verse of 'Awesome God.' I think it sounds better that way.
Pastor: Okay, anything else?
Young worship musician: Well, I gotta blow outta here pretty soon.
Pastor: So, let me get this straight -- he's dropping and you're blowing?
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM And Not Salma Hayek, You Know What I Mean?
Worker: I need to go home and brush my teeth. My mouth tastes like Mexican people.
401 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
4PM How You Know Your Coworker's a Virgin
Younger guy peon: You know, I've never had any experience with ladies from the Pacific Rim.
Older guy peon: Really? Well, lemme tell you something. Their hair down there is dark, straight, and soft.
Younger guy peon, thoughtfully: ... Like a puppy dog's ears?
Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Beef and Ale
9AM Can't Get More Gangsta Than Egyptian Vultures
Office peon #1: Yo, you watch that Animal Planet?
Office peon #2: Oooh, one time I saw this bird -- he use a rock like a hammer! Dropped it on a egg, cracked it open... Gangsta, son! Gangsta!
New York, New York
3PM Worst. Staff Meeting. Ever.
Office girl: Hey! I haven't seen you in a while, how've you been?
Office guy: Oh, I guess you haven't heard. Half my ear was bit off [turns to show bandaged ear].
Office girl: Oh my god, that's awful! Human or animal?
Office guy: Human.
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Barry: Can I Get Up Now?
Admin assistant: Don't worry, I'm on top of Barry*.
Sales assistant: ... What was that?
Admin assistant: I'm on top of... Shut up!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Luckily All the Prejudice is Concentrated in Mississippi, Where We Can Keep an Eye on It
Co-Worker: You should move to Mississippi, so your children won't have to go to school with all those black kids. But people in Mississippi are really prejudiced though...
Memphis, Tennessee
3PM They'd Look Like Mating Coral Snakes
Grunt #1: Jack* and Cindy* both wore maroon shirts and pinstripe pants to work today.
Grunt #2: Don't you wish they'd just make out already?
Grunt #1: Totally.
Wausau, Wisconsin
9AM You Dope. What Are the Odds It Could Be Anybody Else?
Genius on phone: Hey, man... what's going on? So I heard that two cops shot a dude, and I was just wondering if it was you.
44th Street & Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless
5PM Plus, It's Harder to Steal Stuff and Get Away with It
Database admin #1: Well, this is a good place to work. You can really learn a lot here...
Database admin #2: Unlike a shop where everything's automated and running smoothly -- a place like that, something goes down, you just execute a stored procedure and you don't have to know what it does.
Database admin #1: Yeah, you don't want to work in a place where everything's well-managed and actually works.
Database admin #2: Yeah! You won't learn anything that way!
80 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: The Nerd Whisperer
11AM Really, Even a Creek Will Get You If You're Careless or Stupid
Guy in cubicle #1: What are you doing?
Guy in cubicle #2: Looking at rivers that can kill ya!
349 Mitchell Street
Groton, Connecticut
Overheard by: Livonthedge
7PM I Suppose It Comes with the Position
Conference call guru: There are a few master brands out there to look to.
Co-worker #1: I'd love to be a masterbrander.
Co-worker #2: Then we could say, "Hey, what's she doing behind the desk?"
Co-worker #3: "Looks like she's masterbranding."
2010 Warsaw Road
Roswell, Georgia
5PM And That's All There Is to Say about Mary Magdalene
Office peon: I was dating this girl for a while, and then she found Jesus and we stopped doing things, and that was that.
California
3PM Like Its Namesake
Editor: Did he use the word 'genitalia' at all?
Older editor: Or 'goodies'?
20-something female reporter: It's such a Latin-sounding word.
Older editor: I know, 'goodies' really is.
20-something female reporter: Genitalia. It's such a beautiful word. It just rolls right off the tongue.
Newsroom, Main Street
Cortland, New York
Overheard by: Quietly Working at My Desk
10AM But She Can Still Be Called As a Witness
Coworker #1: You know how when you're dating a girl and you find out she has morals...
Coworker #2: Yeah, you give it three dates and then you lose her number.
Monterey, California
Overheard by: Horrified
1PM Might As Well Die Thin with a Hoagie in Your Mouth
Office girl #1: So, she's like, definitely got AIDS... That's what I heard.
Office girl #2: Really? No way! She's way too fat to have AIDS. It makes you really skinny.
Office girl #1: I wish I had AIDS -- you could eat whatever you liked.
Office girl #2: Yeah, I suppose... It would mean you might die, though.
Office girl #1: Hmmm, we're all gonna some day, though.
Office girl #2: Yeah.
London
England
Overheard by: Cecilia
2PM Wait Until He Realizes They Aren't Talking about Turkey
Chick: Who was that?
Guy: He works for one of our other brands. Isn't he hot?
Chick: Very handsome. Is he Indian or black?
Guy: Black.
Chick: Dark meat's the best.
Guy: I haven't done that yet.
Chick: Really? You haven't lived!
575 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thompson
5PM He Just Doesn't Have the Underwearwithal
Woman: I haven't talked to Henry* in a week. I'm through with him.
Man: Why? What happened?
Woman: He's sooo selfish. He took the last t-shirt out of my drawer and wore it.
Man: That's it? Dumped him over a t-shirt?
Woman: I texted him and told him we're through.
Man: Wow. Dumped over a Hanes.
Woman: Yep. Infidelity I forgave, but don't take my last goddamned t-shirt out of my fuckin' drawer. Selfish!
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM Just Sent Us Hatemail for Calling It "Canadia"
Male peon: So, where are you guys located, anyway?
Customer: We're in Guyana.
Male peon: Oh, over in Africa, eh?
Black coworker, yelling from four cubicles over to male peon: Stan*, you're an idiot!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
9AM Today We've Replaced Sally's Network TV with HBO. Let's See What Happens.
Bubbly girl: You know what's a funny word? 'Fucker...' And 'bitches.'
Oak Lawn
Cook County, Illinois
Overheard by: erin
11AM You Say They Have Computers That Do That Now? Here, I'll Give You a Push
Male employee: Oh, I'm sorry. I could've scared you and you could've fallen.
Female employee sitting in an open, screenless window: That's okay, you didn't scare me.
Male employee: You look like you're going to jump. Please don't jump out the window. We really need someone to answer the phones.
98th Street and West End
New York, New York
Overheard by: adrienne
10AM Meet the Inventors of Sudokucaine
Coworker #1: I remember trying heroin once. It was the only time I managed to beat my aunt at Scrabble.
Coworker #2: Dude, that's like doing coke and kicking back with a puzzle!
600 Anton Boulevard
Costa Mesa, California
2PM Bob's the Code We Use for Peter
Peon #1: Okay, 'MDB' is the code we use to get Bob's attention.
Peon #2: Great, now we just need to hire someone named Bob.
Copenhagen
Denmark
Overheard by: Dave
1PM He Does Love His Wife's Butt
Branch manager on phone: Hello? Ok, put him through. Hey, Matt*! Hold on, let me shut my office door... Yeah... Yeah... I do love my wife...
Cubicle chick: Did he just say what I think he said? 'I do love my wife'?
Sales guy: Yes, but I think you missed a part. He said 'I do love my wife, but...'
Cubicle chick: It's gonna be a goood day!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Coffee Break
Sports editor: I think you need to apologize for that.
Opinion editor: Okay, but you need to meet me halfway. I'm sorry for hitting you, but you need to apologize for existing.
5211 Old Charlotte Highway
Monroe, North Carolina
4PM Yet She Assumes He Understands Her Question...
The food delivery guy waits outside the office to be let in. A woman comes to the door.
Woman: Who is this food for?
He hands the slip to the woman.
Woman: No! "RING" is what you're supposed to do when you get here; that's not the name of the person. How long have you been standing there?
470 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sarah Federman
5PM I May Have Given Him One of the Kids
Cube rat: Dude, I got so drunk last night! I ran into this guy I haven't seen in 20 years -- he owns a tow truck. I got so drunk that he put my car on the truck and drove me home!
2300 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Sober but Empathetic
5PM I Don't Get It
Employee #1: I'm going to this funny movie tomorrow.
Employee #2: Which one?
Employee #1: I don't know what it's called, but it's the one where Sasha Baron Cohen comes as a guy from Kazakhstan named "Borat."
Employee #2: Oh, yeah, Borat!
Employee #1: Right, and I still can't remember the title!
4250 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: end of days is here
4PM It's Not You, It's Me
Guy on phone: I'm single, I'm not tied-down, I'm Italian -- what the fuck else do you want?
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: tmg
2PM One EggBeater Experience is Enough
Employee #1: Ok, I'm taking breakfast orders for the meeting, what do you guys want?
Employee #2: Ummm, I'll have the western omelette.
Employee #1: Ok.
Employee #2: Oh, wait...are there eggs in that?
Employee #1: Uh, yeah!
Employee #2: Okay then!
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: You've got to be kidding
9AM Needless to Say, That's the Last Time I'll Try Peyote
Lady to coworker: It talked like a pig, so I could understand it. And there was a one-eyed llama with its ear hanging down, and a buck that'd been shot in the shoulder. Those were all real animals, but it was the cartoon shark that bit me.
1st Avenue
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
12PM After Listening to the Candidates' Debate
Female coworker: I don't think being gay is a choice. When a baby is in the womb, it makes that decision.
200 Corporate Drive
Lebanon, New Jersey
5PM I'm Also Real Good at Hiding in the Stock Room
Chick: So you don't know anything about anything behind the service desk?
Old manager: No, nothing.
Chick: So what happens if someone comes in here and robs us? You don't know how to push the button to call the cops?
Old manager: No.
Chick: So... what if that happens?
Old manager: I do know how to hire a new person.
Lawyers Road
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: CSReppingsucks.
11AM With a Name Like Oral Roberts, It's Hard to Be Otherwise
Coworker: Yeah, I call my husband the 'Pentecostal Pervert'! He married me when I was 13.
UC Davis Hospital
Davis, California
2PM Flog Him, Let Him Lick His Wounds, Take Him for Drinks
Partner #1: What's on the agenda for my meeting with Jerry*?
Partner #2: Ask whether his HIV is full-blown AIDS. Find out if he's using client money to pay for his crystal meth habit. Ask if he's ready to face the NASD, SIPC, and SEC.
2999 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM Please Don't Feel You Have to Share Further Details
Coworker: I used to have a bunch of little beanbag Kermit dolls that got progressively blinder because I used to rub them against my chin and wear down the marble eyes.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Annabelle Nightingale
9AM We Prefer "Like a Baby on a Cobra"
Guy on video conference: I'll be on it like a pit bull on a third grader.
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mickey the Intern
12PM I Can't Wait to See That 'Help Wanted' Ad
Lesbian: Whatever it takes to get her pregnant. Even if I have to participate!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM Better Known As Rebecca of Baker Street Farm
50-ish coworker: Oh, 'Shelly'... I thought it said her name was Shirley Temple. You know who Shirley Temple is?
20-ish coworker: Wasn't she the detective who went around solving crimes? No, wait, that's Sherlock Holmes.
31 Chambers Street
New York, New York
9AM For Those Who Feel Bad about Quitting College
Engineer lady: The price of first class stamps is now 41 cents!
Engineer guy: If they made them in China, they'd be a lot cheaper.
3003 West Casino Road
Everett, Washington
3PM "Real" Means Different Things to Different People
Trekkie coworker: Dude, at the convention they had light sabers for sale for two hundred dollars.
Bored coworker: So?
Trekkie coworker: They were just plastic, they weren't even real!
County Road 427
Auburn, Indiana
Overheard by: Doesn't have a real light saber either
3PM Oh, Shut Up and Put Your Shirt on
Office guy: Have you been working out?
Intern: Uh, yeah, why?
Office guy: I can tell [walks away].
Intern, to another: Was he just hitting on me?
Parkway Drive
Hanover, Maryland
12PM Which Answer Will Get Me Change?
Cube girl #1: Do you have change for a ten?
Cube girl #2: Do I look like a stripper?
Stratford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Deek
1PM Just As Long As I Can Wear My Bandana
Guy: You seriously want to move to Halifax?
Girl: Yeah, why?
Guy: Because it means that you'll have to be a pirate as well as a lesbian.
University of Windsor
Windsor, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: colin
4PM And Here I Am Giving It Away for Free Like a Sucker
Office grunt #1: So, why are you taking off on Friday?
Office grunt #2: To lay some pipe. 'Cause layin' pipe pays more than this job does.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Giggling Silently
3PM Except the Lasagna, Which Gives Her Gas
Office grunt: Yeah, my daughter loves it over there in Japan. She just loves eating the Chinese food.
Main Street
Munhall, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: wait your intern
4PM Superhero Transparent Man Has Problems in the Workplace
Male coworker on phone with female worker: Did you get your areolas clean yet? No! Sorry! I meant did you get your area clean? I was going to offer you some Lysol!
West Sam Houston Parkway
Houston, Texas
9AM They Won't Know and I Won't Tell
Coworker #1: I brought these back from vacation. Would you like to try a chocolate-covered ant?
Coworker #2: No, thank you. I'm a vegetarian.
Coworker #1: But they're dead!
Tremont Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Monkey in the Box Office
11AM We're Going in after It
Lunching woman to another: So, Ellen*, what're you gonna do about your cow's undescended testicle?
Hamilton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Glynda
4PM What if Your Kid's Hungover?
Co-Worker #1: Kids are just a built in excuse to call in sick. If Carl* can call in because his kid is sick, I should be able to call in sick because I'm hungover.
Co-Worker #2: Wouldn't that be every day then?
Co-Worker #1: No, I mean too hungover to work.
Highways 7 and 78
Independence, Missouri
Overheard by: steak of life
3PM Is It Better to Know or Not?
Coworker #1: Ugh, it feels like Monday!
Coworker #2: It is Monday.
Coworker #1: Oh. Still...
7231 Parkway Drive
Hanover, Maryland
4PM Without Drugs, the Restaurant Business Would Cease to Exist
Guy training hostess to roll silverware: Do you know how to roll a blunt?
Hostess: No...
Guy: Well, it's pretty much the same way.
Mexican Restaurant
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Hilary
2PM James Gets Empowered by Assertiveness Training
Mid-life crisis coworker: Hi, this is James*. You remember me? Good. Well, I was just calling to tell you that there's lettuce on my bagel, and I ordered no lettuce, no tomato, and this is the third time this has happened. You guys make great food, but this is unacceptable and I thought you should be aware of your error.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
3PM My Stretch Goal Is to Make It to Work on Time
Worker bee: There was an employee fitness challenge here today. Hilarity ensued.
Less productive bee: I imagine it would anytime you throw 'employee' and 'challenge' together in one sentence.
Wausau, Wisconsin
12PM I Never Should Have Bought It That Wii
Male peon muttering to self: Hey, brain -- work! Please work? At least for the next two hours!
Female peon: Are you talking to your brain?
Male peon: Yeah, I'm trying to get it to work.
Female peon: Oh.
8133 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
3PM Also Like... What's the Word? ... Real Life
Coworker #1 watching pep rally pass by: Why aren't any of the guy cheerleaders hot? The girls are all pretty -- the guys should be hotter.
Coworker #2: It's kind of like... What do you call it? ... Porn.
328 W Lane Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: (Snort)
9AM Or Get Stoned to the Point Where This Question Doesn't Matter?
Summer worker #1: I think I smoke too much weed.
Summer worker #2: Yeah... But at least you won't get glaucoma.
Summer worker #3: What's glaucoma?
Summer worker #1: It's an eye disease. Maybe you should smoke more so you don't get it.
Summer worker #3: But what about lung cancer?
Summer worker #2: Look, would you rather see or breathe?!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Saves Thousands in Severance Pay, Though
Worker bee #1: Was this a fire alarm or a severe weather alert?
Worker bee #2: I don't think they would kick us outside during a tornado.
Opperman Drive
Eagan, Minnesota
11AM Though It Did Help Me Get into Princeton
Coworker #1: I was a munchkin in high school. My only line was 'Cry-meny!'
Coworker #2: You mean 'crih-miny'?
Coworker #1: Well, there goes my moment in the sunshine.
300 Witherspoon Street
Princeton, New Jersey
11AM He's Still Not Welcome at the Picnic
Woman, about her boyfriend: He doesn't just shit on the bathroom floor of any restaurant. He only does it when he's upset about the food or service. And he wouldn't do it anywhere really nice -- just at places like Arby's or whatever.
Highway 55
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM Wonder If I've Overplayed That Card Yet
Secretary #1: Here, I'll trade you dark chocolate for my chocolate.
Secretary #2: No, I like dark chocolate.
Secretary #1: Why does the white man have to take all the dark chocolate? That's the last piece of dark chocolate, and I'm dark so I should eat it! You ate all the white chocolate last week because you're white, and now you're going to have all the dark chocolate, too, just like the white man does to everything!
Secretary #2, eating dark chocolate: It's all mine now. Look at this! [Opens mouth.]
Secretary #1, muttering to herself and walking away: Just like the white man...
11330 Pierce Street
Riverside, California
Overheard by: Kevin
10AM Nothing Says Romance Like Suicide While Fleeing the Law
Guy: I always thought we would go out Thelma and Louise style when we were both in our 90's.
Girl: That sounds about right.
Guy: I'm going to move that up about 60 years if this meeting doesn't end soon.
32 Washington Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: I agree
12PM The Professionals Use Persimmon
Female co-worker: Ooh, this melon is so juicy!
Male co-worker: For God's sake, it's like being on the set of an amateur porn film with you, sometimes.
5 Fitzalan Place
Cardiff, Wales
Overheard by: Mark Jenkins
1PM We Won't Know for Sure until the Hearing
Woman: ...And I love him. But last night I was so embarrased -- I farted while we were making love.
Girl: Ew! That's so gross, you did not fart.
Woman: What the hell do you mean?
Girl: You queefed, okay?
4139 - 98 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Dayton
11AM She's Like Nicole Richie in That Respect
Female TA: When I went upstairs I saw this cake being thrown across the room.
Male TA: A cake?
Female TA: Yeah, Sue* thought they were throwing it at her.
Male TA: If I had a cake, I'd probably throw it at Sue... But then, that's the kind of guy I am.
Female TA: No, it's the type of woman Sue is. It's impossible not to throw cake at her!
Bexhill College
England
Overheard by: I educate your kids...
1PM The Car Deserved to Die
Cube guy: ... And what did you say?
Cube girl: I told her he never deserved her in the first place.
Cube guy: That's for sure.
Cube girl: And frankly, the smartest thing she ever did was put that bullet in his car.
Cube guy: I know!
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM That Milkshake Machine Was a Great Idea
Coworker #1: Have you been in the men's room lately?
Coworker #2: What? Oh, yeah.
Coworker #1: I like how it's coming out all foamy.
Camden Street
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Ren
2PM Why Kiwi Teachers Smell
Teacher #1: I think I should just become a hooker.
Teacher #2: Yeah, but think of the all the washing you would have to do.
New Zealand
4PM Other Than My Current Job, Which Blows
20-something guy whispering to 20-something girl: ... And I'm not saying this from personal experience, 'cause I've never actually had a blowjob...
400 N Capitol Street
Washington, DC
3PM What If Your Co-Worker's an Asshole?
Assistant #1: What if you get a busy signal?
Assistant #2: That means it's busy.
Assistant #1, after a long pause: Thank you.
450 N Street
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Assistant #3
4PM I'd Rather My Wife Didn't Understand Me
Opinionated coworker: My wife's mad at me because I think she's an idiot.
Main Street and Grant Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
5PM Society Would Crumble without Hypocrisy
Coworker #1: You don't believe in the five-second rule?
Coworker #2, who dropped a chip and threw it away: I do, just not when people are watching...
Richardson, Texas
3PM Try to Catch Me after My Mid-Morning Speed Break
Peon: Hey, can you help me with something?
Frazzled coworker: Honestly, I'm too wasted right now.
84th Street and Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: sagehen
2PM He Doesn't Recognize Countries That Achieved Independence After 1800
Male employee #1: How did Costa Rica go in the World Cup?
Male employee #2: Who does he play for?
Male employee #1: Are you serious?
Male employee #2: What? Is he on the Australian team or something? Is that why I'm meant to know him?
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: you've got to be kidding me!
3PM But I Speak a Smattering of Moron
Coworker on phone: No, sir, I am not an idiot.
Chicago, Illinois
10AM One Way to Keep Them Quiet
Office lady #1: I'm going to a sleep-away camp for ten-year-olds this weekend.
Office lady #2: Well, at least there will be alcohol.
1 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: sarcastro
10AM Control Room
Database administrator #1: You can either spend half a day showing them how to do it and another three weeks constantly answering questions, or you can just take half an hour and write the code for them.
Database administrator #2: Well, we should teach them how to fish instead of just feeding them every day!
Database administrator #1: You can teach them how to fish, but they still won't know how to write code.
880 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I'm going to have to take a lot of time to help my wife out when the baby comes. Are we allowed any paternity leave?
Co-worker #2: The father gets 3 days. I don't know what you get.
1 Bay Avenue
Montclair, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jonathan Nelson
12PM Get Those Scam Salescalls Blocked
Coworker on phone: Why do you need to know what type of printer I have?...Well, I guess I could read the name of the printer to you off of the printer, if you suggest that... Here's the name written right here. It's F then U, C. Are you writing this down? K and then Y. Then finally O, U...Hello, hello?
4175 Central Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
12PM If You're Typing That, Don't Send It Right Away
Coworker in response to email she just got: Oh my god, Sandy*, you stupid whore.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: other side of the cube
9AM Curtis Discovers He Does Have Standards
Suit #1: Dude, I just looked at the girl from last night's MySpace page. Tell me again why you didn't fuck her?
Suit #2: She has birds!
Suit #1: Good enough.
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Jordan
12PM I Said, 'F-U'! And How Do You Spell His Name?
Data architect manager: And the new tables -- who's taking care of that?
DBA: Danny Phu*.
Data architect manager, making a note: Danny... F-U?
DBA: Excuse me?
1555 Lundy Parkway
Dearborn, Michigan
3PM And We Must Never, Ever Utter It Aloud
Waitress to another: No! There's a reason I don't eat the coleslaw! No!
Cafe
Salt Point, New York
Overheard by: Not eating it either
2PM Could Be Worse. Could Be Foot Skin.
Male worker #1, pointing at desk: What is that?
Male worker #2: I don't know.
Male worker #1: It looks like a booger, and it's not mine!
Male worker #2: How do you know it's not yours? It's on your desk!
Male worker #1: Because I eat mine.
Male worker #2: Oh, God...
1574 South West Temple
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Shaun
10AM Captain Obvious Has Bowel Movements, Too
Guy in stall #1: Hey, what's up? Yeah, okay. You still wanna do that today?
Massive eruption occurs from next stall.
Guy in stall #2: Huh? Oh, that... I'm taking a shit right now...
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
3PM Details Available Upon Request
Male colleague: Feeling any better?
Female colleague: Sort of.
Male colleague: Did you go make yourself throw up?
Female colleague: No, I can't do that.
Male colleague: Oh, you're one of those people. I can do it on command. I have a very weak sphincter.
530 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: ap
2PM I Try to Put Him Out of My Misery
Lady #1: Is your husband feeling any better?
Lady #2: No, but I am getting better at avoiding him and ignoring him.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM I Don't Like Being a Round Myself
Blonde: So, have you taken any Lamaze or yoga classes to help with the birth?
Preggers: No, the thought of having to be around all those pregnant women made me sick.
Oakland, California
3PM Nothing Anti-Werewolf -- I Just Can't Stand Hairy Chicks
Woman: My tooth fell out yesterday. You know, chewing gum and blood taste quite nice together.
Suit: You are a vampire.
Woman: No, actually, I'm a werewolf.
Suit: [Moves away.]
Rozemblum
Tel-Aviv
Israel
1PM We Should Talk Like This Less Often
Cube rat #1: I can't explain my parents. They will have a problem with me dating a black guy, but the funny thing is my sister married a Jewish guy and they don't seem to care. And, you know, what's the difference between a black man and a white man? It's just different skin colors. But there are real differences between Christian and Jewish people.
Cube rat #2: You're absolutely right. Jewish people go to church on Saturday.
Cube rat #11: That's right.
Cube rat #12: And they peel their food.
Madison Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: People in the Sun
9AM A Description Best Reserved for Martha Stewart
Black woman, before an interview: I'll let you do the talkin', 'cause you're a code cracker.
White dude: ... What?!
Black woman: You know -- you can read between the lines and figure out if she's telling the truth.
White dude: I thought you just called me a 'cold crackah'!
SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: The real cold cracker
11AM Because People Generally Don't
Cube rat poking head over cube wall: I was just banging you. Did you feel that?
8900 Raintree Drive
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM So People Are My Raw Material
Cube dweller #1: Hey, I'm a people person.
Cube dweller #2: What are you talking about? You're a make-fun-of-people person!
1000 East 116th Street
Carmel, Indiana
3PM If You Know What I Mean
Coworker: In five seconds I'm giving up and giving my fish a bath.
1275 Broadway
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Sally
3PM Oh, I Don't Mind...
Secretary #1: Oh! Um...
Secretary #2: Don't mind me -- I'm just fiddling in your drawers.
Solicitor's office
Lincolnshire
United Kingdom
12PM Wait, How Do You Spell It in a Fake British Accent, Again?
Middle-aged guy #1 looking at menu: Hey, man, they spelled 'Caesar' wrong.
Middle-aged guy #2: What do you mean?
Middle-aged guy #1: They spelled it C-A-E-S-A-R instead of C-E-A-S-A-R. They switched the 'A' and 'E.'
Middle-aged guy #2: Yeah, I've seen it spelled that way before. It's, like, the authentic Roman spelling.
Middle-aged guy #1: Oh, yeah, they were always doing crazy shit... Like backward V's and stuff.
Sam Snead's Tavern
Shawnee on Delaware, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Logan
3PM Memo to All Staff: There Will Be a Meeting to Discuss What Can be Done to Curtail the Number of Meetings
Office grunt #1: I hate all these fucking meetings!
Office grunt #2: Didn't you set this meeting up?
Office grunt #1: Yeah, but that's not the point.
Oil company office
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Lara
12PM She's Been Practicing in Front of the Mirror
Sales guy: What are you two up to?
Systems admin: Nothing. We're being facetious.
Sales chick: Wow, that's a big word for Erin*. I'm not sure she used it correctly, though.
Sales guy: We'll give her an A for effort, though.
Systems admin, skipping: I said 'facetious,' I said 'facetious'!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Why Women's Thoughts Should Remain Mysterious
Cube dweller #1: So she was talking dirty to me last night and I was all asking her what she was thinking about.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah? What was it, dude?
Cube dweller #1: She was thinking about some role playing shit, so I told her to tell me details, you know? I wanted to know exactly what it was!
Cube dweller #2: Yeah...
Cube dweller #1: So she starts laughing and says, 'I was actually trying to decide what boots I wanted to wear.' I'm like, 'You're talking about boots when I have a fucking hard-on? You've got to be fucking kidding me!'
Cube dweller #2: Did you do it anyway?
Cube dweller #1: Naturally...
Scituate, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Glad my wife doesn't wear boots....
4PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: Can I borrow a colored pen?
Co-worker #2: Here's a red one, but I may need it later for drawing fire.
525 7th Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Account Manager: Hey, do you feel like a monkey in the middle of an idiot sandwich?
Process Analyst: That would make you one of the idiots. Are you calling yourself an idiot?
Account Manager: Oh...huh?
5 minutes later.
Process Analyst: Hey, do you feel like an idiot in a monkey sandwich?
Account Manager: Ha! Now you are the idiot!
Process Analyst: No...that still makes you the idiot.
520 Guthridge Court
Norcross, Georgia
6PM Looks Like Those Undies Were Already Stamped
Co-worker: Can you notarize something for me?
Accounting supervisor: Got any money?
Co-worker: Nope.
Accounting worker-bee: Then you must take off your pants, get on the empty chair and dance for us.
Co-worker: Really?
Entire accounting department: Really.
Co-worker: Are tightie whities okay?
2200 Broening Highway
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM When Richard Simmons Forgets to Take His Lithium
Male to female worker: I always support you. I empower you... You piece of shit.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: Office Manager
5PM Who Encouraged William Shatner to Make a Children's CD Anyway?
Annoyed peon: None of it rhymes! He rhymes 'lizards' with 'chinchillas' and 'dogs' with 'scorpions.'
101 2nd Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: pinup
1PM Well, They Are Still behind Your Shirt, If That's What You Mean
Woman on way to meeting: Are my boobs sticking out enough?
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Victor's Secret
Female coworker: I woke up today and couldn't find my panties.
Male coworker: So, did you find them finally?
Female coworker: No. And my husband disappeared...
Law office
New York, New York
Overheard by: julllully
11AM Relax -- Clearly Not about You
Coworker #1, writing a vacuum product description: Does 'extra long' have a hyphen in it?
Coworker #2: Dude, are you writing spam?
58th Street and 1st Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
5PM Cheap-Ass Company Won't Buy Us Any Paper
Lady peon: Oh, for fuck's sake! I'm going to have to draw on my breasts now.
Bolton, Lancashire
United Kingdom
3PM The Bar For Being Old School Keeps Being Lowered
Coworker #1: You have an AOL email address?
Coworker #2: I know...So old-school.
623 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Or I Could Just Steal One from the Shopping Center
Coworker #1: Artificial insemination?
Coworker #2: That way I could have a kid without whoring myself around as much.
Kansas
5PM Next Time Break Up Via E-mail
Employee on phone: You are a psycho if you think you'll break up with me over the phone!...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?!
Co-Worker: For my sake, you can say goodbye to a psycho!
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM People Talk About Chipmunks Only on Planets Without Atmospheres
Co-Worker #1: Weather is the great conversational equalizer.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah.
Co-Worker #1: 'Cause every place has weather. And chipmunks. But nobody ever talks about chipmunks.
1593 Galbraith Avenue
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Playtah
5PM Although Osteoporosis Is a Close Second
Coworker #1: I wonder who'll get the Pfizer account...
Coworker #2: I hope I do! I love reading about erections!
Fort Point
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Since I'm about to Saddle You with a Ton of Paperwork
Coworker #1: Did you drive or take the train today?
Coworker #2: Train.
Coworker #1: What time are you leaving?
Coworker #2: I don't know...
Coworker #1: Oh, I think I'm leaving before that.
Office building, 47th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM They Were Gangbanging Me That Night
Cute office peon: What's wrong, Tom*?
Tom: I'm just feeling a little depressed today.
Cute office peon: Why?
Tom: I had planned this party over the weekend, and no one showed up.
Cute office peon: Don't feel bad about that, Tom. It's not your fault that your friends can't come!
5500 University Parkway
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: And she knows this how?
4PM Worth a Lot of Money on the Right Japanese Website
Coworker #1, whose initials don't include 'P': Oh, that personalized stationery set is a really nice gift. I'd take it, except it's got 'P' on it.
Coworker #2: It's got pee on it?!
South Austin, Texas
Overheard by: uncle eddie
12PM A Dinette Set Was Behind Door #2
Woman to friend: I don't mind telling you -- I have just recently accepted Jesus into my life as my personal savior and salvation, and my life has changed so much. I mean, look -- I got a Lincoln Continental!
Starbucks, 2300 Mendocino Avenue
Santa Rosa, California
Overheard by: Thankful to God for other reasons
5PM How the Echinacea Cocomocha Was Invented
Grunt #1: I need to get some...
Grunt #2: Rum?
Grunt #3: Echinacea?
1 World Financial
New York City
9AM I'm Like, "What Are You Doing, Mom?"
Worker #1: Every time I kiss her, she tries to stick her tongue in my mouth.
Worker #2: What's wrong with that?
Worker #1: I just don't think it's appropriate. She is married, after all.
Seattle, Washington
9AM ... Just Beef?
Coworker #1: What's a vegan?
Coworker #2: Ain't they those vegetarians that don't even eat chicken?
Engineering office
Jacksonville, Florida
10AM Marketing Session
Co-worker #1: Are Abercrombie and Fitch catalogs homoerotic?
Co-worker #2: Oh my god. Totally!
Co-worker #1: But they aren't gay, right?
Co-worker #2: What do you think homoerotic means?
584 Broadway
New York, NY
10AM Visit Construction Site
Receptionist: What's that?
Worker: It's the Phoenix Project logo.
Receptionist: Why's there a bird on it?
Manager #1: You have got to be kidding?
Receptionist: What?
Manager #2: Bird, Phoenix? Hello?
Receptionist: I don't get it.
Clerk: Okay, the bird...it's a phoenix.
Receptionist: Phoenix is a city.
Clerk: ...Phoenix is, also, a mythological bird.
Receptionist: Named after the city?
10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada
12PM See If Jack Came
Man #1: Jack off today?
Man #2: No, not yet.
1 Air Cargo Parkway E
Swanton, Ohio
12AM Both are Growing Nicely
Co-worker #1: How's the new baby?
Co-worker #2: She's doing great thanks!
Co-worker #1: Does she have hair?
Co-worker #2: She's got tonnes of hair!
Co-worker #1: How about eyes?
Co-worker #2: ...Yes, she has eyes...
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM I Hear They Have a Rivalry with the Fallujah Branch
Coworker #1: What branch of the military was he in?
Coworker #2: In the U.S.A. branch.
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Kain
3PM But We're Going Out for Dinner Later
Male coworker: You missed it! Devon* and I just had a staring contest in which we tried to figure out the color of each other's eyes.
Female coworker: So, what was the verdict?
Male coworker: That it was too creepy, so we stopped.
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
10AM Buying That Defibrillator Really Paid Off, Huh?
Black lady: So, you dating again?
Chinese lady: No, why would I be dating?
Black lady: I thought your husband was dead!
Chinese lady: No, he's not dead.
Black lady: Well, good for you.
450 N Street
Sacramento, California
9AM So Anyway, I'm Off to Hike Up His Rent and Vandalize His Car
Ugly lady: He only comes over and fucks me when he's really, really angry.
Friend: Oh. Jeez.
Ugly lady: So that's as wrong as I think it is?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM He Was Grandma's Last Disappointment
Male coworker: So, did you hear about what Shannon* did for her grandmother's birthday?
Female coworker: Yeah!
Male coworker: How she got her a stripper?
Female coworker: Yeah, haha. I know!
Male coworker: Pretty funny... She was, like, 90... Did you hear that she died like a week later?
Female coworker: Yeah...
Male coworker: Yeah. It kinda sucks.
Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: Audiogirl Hates Elevators
5PM So I Took Some Video to Corroborate My Assertions
Coworker: Sometimes it amazes me just how much poop comes out of my body.
80 Broadway
Somerville, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Orlando Furioso
2PM Worried It Might Get Chicago Wet
Coworker #1: Did it rain while you were in Chicago?
Coworker #2: Nope.
Coworker #1: Oh, that's good. I saw on the Weather Channel that it was raining in Virginia, and I got worried.
42 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
11AM Because We Could Use Interns Instead
Grunt #1: We need to buy a couple of monkeys and have monkey knife fights.
Grunt #2: Is there anything against the law about that?
2540 Satellite Boulevard
Duluth, Georgia
1PM Teens Really Should Be Cleaning That Up Themselves
Female co-worker #1: So my ob-gyn has been seeing all these young girls for their annuals this summer. She was amazed at how much sex they're having. Like 2 to 3 times a day. She had to tell them they had to stop having intercourse for a month so the Pill could take effect, and they say, "What are we supposed to do all summer?" She was shocked.
Female co-worker #2: How old are these girls?
Female co-worker #1: She said they're between 17 and 20 years old.
Female co-worker #2: Geez. Even if I had time to have sex 2 times a day, I'd have better things to do!
Female co-worker #1: Yeah, like clean up after my teenagers!
Motor Vehicle Building
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Not getting any either
4PM Everyone Who Looks at You Will Smile
Gate agent: How cute you look in your outfit, Maria*!
Ramp agent in fluorescent jumpsuit, heading out to Tarmac: I look like a gigantic yellow highlighter.
Boarding area, JetBlue flight to JFK
Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
1PM But I Went Hellfire Missile and I Never Looked Back
Voluptuous coworker to two male coworkers: ... But this Air Force doctor took it and shoved it up there and, let me tell you, it was large.
Lunch room, Environmental company
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Meg
9AM Even When It's Not Critical
Employee #1: Critical criteria. Critical criteria.
Employee #2: Is that some kind of new alarm?
Employee #1: No, I'm typing that in an email.
Employee #2: Oh. Is there something wrong with that?
Employee #1: No, why? Does it sound wrong?
Employee #2: It sounds kinda fancy.
Employee #1: So I should go with it?
Employee #2: If you want to be fancy, then you should.
Employee #1: I like to be fancy.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM That's Not What They're Telling Us at Home
Lieutenant: I'm so cooold!
Major: There's a black fleece over there.
Lieutenant: I prefer to tough it out.
Major: Relax! It's not war.
Camp Arifjan
Kuwait
11AM Running Diagnostics
Two co-workers watch a woman showering in a window across the street.
Female co-worker: Is she dry showering?
Guy: No, there's soap on her legs. Wow, those are America's cleanest boobs.
Female co-worker: You can't see soap from here.
Male co-worker: You can with the binoculars in my office.
Male co-worker runs to get the binoculars.
Female co-worker: Uh oh. She just cleaned somewhere funny.
Boss: What's going on?... Ahh, a nudie with fake boobies! I love a good set of fake knockers!
Male co-worker: She has a scar on her butt.
Boss: I think that's a tattoo.
Female co-worker: She should get that checked out.
225 North Michigan
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Data Management
Co-worker #1: I'm not sure that's right, though. I pulled it out of my database.
Co-worker #2: Is that what you call your ass, sir, a database?
2000 Navy Pentagon
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Salted Fish
5PM Tonight's Movie: Debbie Does Droids
Lady peon, imitating a robot: I love you. I love you, too. We should swap transmission fluids.
135 West 50th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lowly Human
5PM If You Get One of These, Just Regift It
Guy: That's because you broke it!
Hot blonde: I know, I totally put it in the wrong hole.
Guy: You should be more careful.
Hot blonde: I added more liquid, but I get no smoke.
Guy: Did you make sure to re-insert the thingie?
80 Grasslands Avenue
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
1PM I Think I May Have Had a Stroke
Senior officer: The event went really well. The speaker was fantastic.
Mid-level officer: Oh, who was the speaker?
Senior officer, after long pause: I gotta go.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
4PM Drool on My Salad and Die
Trendy vegan worker: What's that smell? Is someone cooking bacon?
Coworker: There's some in my salad.
Trendy vegan worker: That's so odd. I never even liked bacon, but it smells so good! It's making me horny!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
5PM How You Know You're Not Giving Your Underlings Enough Work
20-something coworker on phone: You know, if you spray keyboard duster in your ear, it gives you a mega head rush.
745 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Say What?
2PM No, No, Wait -- It's the One with Mr. Toad, Right?
Ad rep #1: The best movie is on TV tonight.
Ad rep #2: What movie is that?
Ad rep #1: Gone with the Wind.
Ad rep #2: Is that the same as...? No, that's A Walk in the Clouds.
Programmers: What?!
Ad rep #2: I got confused -- they're similar. Well, which one is Gone with the Wind?
Ad rep #1: It has Clark Gable.
Ad rep #2: Is that the guy that played Superman?
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
3PM I Also Hope What I Just Swallowed Was Actually a Jelly Bean
Hot lady peon, after spilling candy: I hope he doesn't come by while I'm on the floor eating his jelly beans.
3900 Paramount Parkway
Morrisville, North Carolina
Overheard by: kevin
10AM Mr. Kissinger, Are You All Right?
Intercom: Please remember to leave all distinguished butts in the can behind the south building.
14255 49th Street North
Clearwater, Florida
12PM Dear Diary, If I Can Just Drink Less at Lunch, She Will Be Mine
Contracts officer: Frankly, I think she'll be tickled shitless...I could have said she'd be shittled titless, but I thought that would be offensive.
HR lady: This meeting has now offically gone on too long.
1010 North Glebe Road
Arlington, Virginia
4PM Or So They Say on the North Shore
Programmer #1: Can you kill the parent without killing the child nodes?
Programmer #2: I don't think so.
Sales guy: It's always good to get rid of the witnesses.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: sales guy's neighbor
1PM They Seem to Follow You around the Room
Coworker on phone: But he always says, 'I can't dance, I can't dance...' No, it's because his breasts jiggle around when he swings his hips, and he's so insecure about his breasts. That's why he can't meet any girls -- his breasts move whenever he dances.
Austin, Texas
1PM This Cubicle Is Greased and Ready to Kick Ass
Coworker: I've got more Vaseline than a porn star could use in a year.
330 North Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Yeah, I'm Like 1/4 Lizard
Office grunt: My grandfather used to exfoliate with Comet.
Buckhead Loop
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: OMG
10AM Filed in the Necrophiliac Section? Incompetent Bastards.
Chick: What is this, pedophile music?
Munkegata, Oslo
Norway
3PM And Get Some Plastic Surgery
Man: Well, nobody can believe you're single and attractive.
Woman: Maybe I should just buy a wedding ring.
420 Ramona Street
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: My Good Ear
10AM In the Same Way Cher Is 'Real'
Female editor: Hey, is Plastic Man a real superhero?
Assistant: Yeah. There's been some dispute about his origins, though.
Female editor: Oh, really? But he is real, right?
Assistant: Yeah.
Female editor: Okay, great, thanks.
233 Spring Street,
SoHo, New York
12PM It's Pricey, But He's Worth It
Male co-worker #1: So what did you do for your birthday.
Male co-worker #2: Oh, the usual. Just some presents and breakfast in bed.
Female co-worker: My husband usually gets a blow job for his birthday.
Forbes Tower, University of Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: I just can't get enough sleep. My mom wakes me up yelling that I get too much sleep, then I drive to work and almost fall asleep!
Co-worker #2: Uh huh.
Co-worker #1: Doesn't she understand I need my sleep? She's driving me crazy.
Co-worker #3 [from down the hall]: Why don't you go to bed earlier, when she puts your jammies out?
6200 Savoy Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Frankendude
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Congratulations on your engagement and your new job! When is your last day?
Worker #2: Next Wednesday, thanks.
Worker #3: Are you leaving so soon because of that pooper ring on your finger?
Worker #2: "Pooper ring"?
Worker #3: Yes, you know...You had to take it in the pooper to get a ring that big.
1600 21st Street NW
Washington, DC
1PM Lunch
Analyst #1: I hate going into that lunchroom when the people from claims are in there having a potluck.
Analyst #2: I know, it's like the bar scene in Star Wars.
4645 East Cotton Center Bouelvard
Phoenix, Arizona
6AM Hanging Out by the Water Cooler...
Woman #1: So my phone rings at like 2 in the morning and I was sleeping, so now I'm fricken pissed that my phone is ringing at 2 in the morning. It's one of my husbands friends and he says, "I need a place to stay, I just got kicked out of my house. My brother--" blah, blah, blah, blah. So I told him he could stay for a few days, but only for a few and then he had to leave. So he said he'd be right over, and I waited and waited and waited. Well, the son of a bitch never came...So that ruined my whole fricken night! So my husband is still asleep, and I haven't told him yet that his friend is staying at our house, but he wasn't here yet so...So I go on doing my usual morning shit, and I go out to get the paper when something on the porch catches my eye. It was a bunch of garbage bags, and I'm thinking, "What the hell?". Tom brought the garbage out, why the frick would he put it on the porch? So I walk over to go and put them in the garbage bin, when I see this huge man sitting on my porch. It was Tom's friend, and I asked him how long he'd been out there. He said, "Since 1 AM." And I'm thinking, "Jesus Christ, thank God my neighbors didn't call the goddamn police." I mean I can just picture this man sleeping on my porch, he's so damn big...So I had this beached whale on my fricken porch all night long. So then I asked him if he wanted some coffee, and Orca comes in the house and tells me he got a ride, and that I needed to drive all the way out to Springville to get his van. His van that had no gas. Meanwhile, I still need to tell my husband...so I go in and I wake him up and I said, "Congratulations hon, we have a 400 pound baby boy." He just looked at me like I was fricken nuts. So after I explained everything to him he came down, and you know...blah blah blah. I make the couch up for Orca and I put down some clean sheets, well the next morning I come downstairs and...he was laying on my couch with no shirt on. Ugh, I'm going to have to burn my couch. You don't seem to understand how big he is. His stomach wasn't even touching the couch. It was hanging off of it. When he sits down his belly button reaches his nose. He could probably use it as a beer holder. Well I hear this whirring noise and he's got on a fricken oxygen mask, and honestly I didn't know he couldn't breathe...I mean, the man seems to smoke and drink just fine. But literally his stomach is so huge. He's got a dickdo.
Woman #2: A dickdo?
Woman #1: When his stomach sticks out further than his dick do.
1695 E. Ave
Buffalo, New York
7AM It's Getting Cold in Here / So Take Off All Your Clothes
Woman #1: It has been freezing in here today!
Woman #2: You know why they keep the AC turned up so high, don't you?
Woman #1: To keep us alert?
Woman #2: No...for the headlights.
Woman #1: Headlights?
1 World Financial Center
New York, NY
11AM When They Came for My Slim Vibe, I Bloody Well Spoke Up
Coworker #1: Did you read the e-mail from HR about the new Nazi-like, anti-fun internet policy? It says we're not supposed to MySpace or YouTube on company time. How boring!
Coworker #2: Whatever! At least I still have my Slim Vibe -- they can't take that from me!
Phoenix, Arizona
3PM Men Seem to Prescribe That for Everything
Male employee: Do you know what you really need right now?
Female employee: I need coffee.
Male employee: No, you really need to get laid. Now.
419 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
1PM It Was Like Peaking on Acid
Associate: Dude, I just saw my first hot Wal-Mart employee!
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: DRM
3PM Taco Blackouts Are the Worst, Man
Peon #1: It smells like someone took a huge shit. What the hell is that?
Peon #2: It's the tacos. I had tacos for lunch. Does it smell like tacos?
69 North 69th Street
New York, New York
5PM I Place the Blame Squarely on Television
Worker bee to another: Did you hear our children are going to be the first generation to be stupider than their parents?
Pharmaceutical company
New Jersey
Overheard by: Intern
4PM Does It Mean I Can Stop Wearing Heels?
50-ish lady peon: Oh, honey, you don't have to lift those boxes!
20-ish lady peon: No, it's okay, I really don't mind. They're not very heavy.
50-ish lady peon: But that shows on a woman later in life!
20-ish lady peon: Shows? What do you mean?
50-ish lady peon: Well, you know, makes you big... Like the She-Hulk, or that hermaphrodite wrestler! You don't want people thinking you're not a woman, do you?
University of North Carolina, 208 Raleigh Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
12PM And Really, How Much Skin, Bone and Fur Do You Want to Eat?
Worker #1: How much fiber do you think is in a bat?
Worker #2: Not a lot.
Worker #1, surprised: Really?
Worker #2: Well... It's not like a bat is a vegetable.
Hospital
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
12PM It Told Me to Ask You for a Raise
Girl: Just so you know, I have a gigantic cyst on my vagina.
9050 Washington Boulevard
Culver City, California
9AM What Happens When Spell-Check Infiltrates Speech
Trainee: So, can you tell me why your mother can't walk?
Daughter: Her leg was amputated, and she can't walk on her prostate.
Home office
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: T
10AM Um, Isn't That Why Bob Left in the First Place?
Woman #1: The classified logo scripts aren't working.
Woman #2: Bob* is working on them, but he's going on vacation tomorrow so the scripts won't be done until September.
Woman #1: September?!
Woman #2: Yeah, well, you can have IT work on it, but then who knows how long it'll be before they get around to doing it.
Woman #1: Think they'd do it faster if I showed them my boobs?
1111 West Bonanza Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM How Does One Judge a Kegel Exercise Contest?
Woman #1: Maybe it fell out because her vagina had no...tone.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #3: Right, no Kegel's.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Right, you are supposed to do Kegel's all day.
Woman #2: Since when?
Woman #1: From when you are 20. Or have a lot of sex.
Woman #3: I'd rather have a lot of sex than do Kegel's, but I do them, too.
Woman #2: What? My vagina is fine without either one. Don't tell my husband that, either.
Woman #3: You'll be sorry when you are older.
Woman #1: You never did Kegel's? We used to have contests at my other job.
Only man in the meeting walks in.
Woman #2: Well! What do men have to do?
Woman #3, smiling sweetly: Nothing. Men are perfect.
Bergen County, New Jersey
1PM Large and Cold and Benign?
Worker #1: Did you vote?
Worker #2: I can't vote.
Worker #1: Why not?
Worker #2: I'm not a citizen.
Worker #1: You're from here, no?
Worker #2: No, I'm from Canada.
Worker #1: Oh... You don't look like a Canadian.
45 Rockefeller Center
New York, New York
12PM That Still Doesn't Explain the Grill
Worker #1: German Shepherds used to terrorize the Congolese when the British were colonizing. That's one of the reasons that the Congolese didn't like George Foreman when he fought there.
Worker #2: Oh, I thought you were going to say that is why black people don't like dogs.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
4PM I Can Sell Her Anything!
Assistant: Let me see if she's available... Missy, do you want to talk to a Janie* at US, Inc.*?
Missy: She's a dumbass... Yeah, I want to talk to her.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM They've Gone beyond Even a Gentleman's "C"
Heavy male coworker: I really need to go on a diet. My tits are getting way too big.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: thesugarmonster
1PM As It States Clearly on My Medical Alert Bracelet
Lab tech, during fire evacuation: Paul*, get out of the shade. It's not in the safety zone.
Paul: But I'm fat. I can't stand in the sun.
650 Cathill Road
Sellersville, Pennsylvania
10AM My Label Says "Keep Away from Children"
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: [Blank stare.]
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: [Slight smirk.]
Coworker #1: What is it?
Coworker #2, smiling: Are you with child?
Coworker #1, growling: No!
Coworker #2: [Turns and quickly walks back to her office.]
600 Peachtree Street Northeast
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: cant believe she said it
11AM She's Seen One Too Many Star Trek Episodes
Blonde #1: So, can you email me the paper sample when you receive it?
Blonde #2: Ahhh... no.
Wili Pa Loop
Wailuku, Hawaii
4PM By American Standards That Makes Him a Good Father
Office guy: He's married with two kids, but all he does is play Xbox.
Office girl: That's not good.
Office guy: Well, he does find time to do other things, like, you know, play with his kids and smoke weed.
Connecticut
5PM I Told You I'd Take Care of It
Office grunt: That lady died? She's the one that stole our air freshener out of our bathroom!
277 Coalinga Plaza
Coalinga, California
Overheard by: I love my co-worker
12PM Correct Contact Info
Worker #1: Damn, they've spelt my name wrong on the rota again.
Worker #2: How did they do that?
Worker #1: They used the wrong letters, idiot!
Trafalgar Road
Birkdale, Southport
UK
5PM That's Enough for Me
Employee #1: It's disgusting. Someone left a big peice of shit floating in the toilet.
Employee #2: Speaking of shit floating, did you hear who got promoted?
425 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Rory Calhoun
11AM Interview
Corporate peon #1: I was nervous during the interview. More than normal for some reason. He asked too many damn questions.
Corporate peon #2: Hard questions?
Corporate peon #1: Not hard. Just required detailed answers. I don't like the "what do you bring to the table" question.
Corporate peon #2: "I bring diligence and a positive attitude, I'm proactive and can get the job done on my own or with a group."
Corporate peon #1: I bring sexiness.
11601 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM The Things You Can Say on Allgood Road
Drone #1: Are you sticking around for the 4PM meeting?
Drone #2: No, the batteries are dead in my wife's stimulator and I have to do my husbandly duty...
Drone #1: Excuse me?
815 Allgood Road NE
Marietta, Georgia
9AM Still Better Than Bucknell
Co-worker #1: You mean Napoleon Dynamite?
Co-worker #2: No, Napoleon Bonaparte.
Co-worker #1: Was he that explorer guy?
Co-worker #2: No, he was a French general...if you've ever heard the phrase "Napoleon complex" that's where it comes from, because he was a short guy who thought he was the shit...
Co-worker #1: Oh...I've never heard of him.
Co-worker #2: How's that IU education working out for you?
3699 West Lathrop
South Bend, Indiana
1PM Innovation: Slightly Changing a Successful Idea
Coworker #1: I think I'm going to start The Arkansas Bachelor.
Coworker #2: Oh yeah? Women will be tripping all over themselves trying to get away from that.
Coworker #1: It'll be better than just The Bachelor. Forget roses, I'd say, "Would you accept this Busch Light, Maggie Lou?".
3685 Country Club
Fort Smith, Arkansas
9AM Back to Work
Help Desk #1: If I'm going down it ain't gonna be for rocks. It'll be a bank or something.
Help Desk #2: Or manure.
1900 East 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: How's the weather outside, is it cold?
Worker #2: Girl, I've been working with you in the office all morning.
Worker #1: Well, at least you get to talk to people on the phone. I thought someone might have said something.
14 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
12PM Get That Outlet Fixed
Tech: Is it working?
Co-worker #1: No, I'm only partially lit.
Co-worker #2: How many people does it take to get you fully lit?
Co-worker #3: 4. 2 to watch and 2 to do the lighting.
600 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: new jersey boy
12PM Research Software
Co-worker #1: What's SAS like?
Co-worker #2: It's sassy!
600 Alexander Park
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Philly Cynics
4PM Sitdown with Accounting
Co-worker #1: Are you dipping in the company ink?
Co-worker #2: Nope, the ink was red.
4221 74 Avenue NW
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Remember [Joann] at [Segal]?
Co-worker #2: The one that looks like a man?
Co-worker #1: Yep. Well, she's found that sperm donor she's been looking for.
721 Emerson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM We Work for Smithfield, for God's Sake!
Worker bee, discussing his 75-year-old uncle's brain injuries: I don't want him to be a vegetarian for the rest of his life!
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: worker bea
4PM But Ass Prostheses Are the Wave of the Future
Girl #1: Oh my god! You are such a slut!
Girl #2: I am not a slut!
Girl #3: It's true, she's not a slut. She's just a fake-ass ho.
Girl #1: Yeah, you're such a fake-ass ho.
Girl #2: Yeah, true.
1310 Sycamore Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
4PM In Fact, That's Our Firm's Three-Prong Test for Fun
Attorney to another: You are always a lot of fun when your dress ends up around your waist. Or your head. Or your feet.
1 Indiana Square
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Amanda
9AM That's the Last Time I Let Uncle Walter Take Me on a Cruise
Newly married office girl: Swallowing is not my idea of a vacation.
Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: these walls are thin
12PM Somebody in Miami Keeps Buying Us Out
Toy store clerk #1: Hey, Jessie*, do we still have any of those Communist uniforms?
Toy store clerk #2: I don't think so.
Toy store clerk #1: What about the Communist soldier figurines?
Toy store clerk #2: Hm... I don't think so.
Toy store clerk #1: Do we have anything Communist-related?
Toy store clerk #2: I think we still have the stick-on Communist facial hair...
29th Street and Guadalupe Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: amused socialist
9AM You Guys from Nantucket Are So Sensitive
Cube rat #1: Dude, I'm going to send you a poem.
Cube rat #2: Okay.
Cube rat #1: Don't get offended, okay?
Cube rat #2: Okay.
Cube rat #1: Dude, promise me you won't get offended.
4949 Westown Parkway
Des Moines, Iowa
10AM I Still Have Half a Savior Left from Yesterday
Male peon #1: Does anybody want anything from the vending machine?
Female peon: Bring me back some Jesus!
Male peon #2: I'll just take a ginger ale.
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Hey - Lesbians Can Be Superficial, Too!
Hostess #1: I wish I were a lesbian sometimes.
Hostess #2: Why is that?
Hostess #1: Oh, you know, so I could dress how I want.
Hostess #2: Ummm... You can do that anyway.
Hostess #1, laughing: Oh, you know what I mean! Baggy clothes!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: scd
10AM Really Breaks Up the Monotony of Crying and Feeding My Cat
Pretty bisexual waitress: You've got to have something to look forward to -- one way or the other, I'm getting laid tonight.
Ugly asexual waiter: I know what you mean -- I'm going to have breakfast food for dinner.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM This Job Sucks -- I Quit!
Reporter #1: So, I was interviewing her about what she was going to do next, and she said she hoped she'd just get, you know, a Joe Blow job.
Reporter #2: You're not going to put that in the story, are you?
Reporter #3: Where can I find this Joe?
149 Penn Avenue
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I just work here
11AM Did You Just Pin Mittens to My Sleeves?
Grunt #1: Don't you need a coat?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: Are we going outside?
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: Oh. Sorry. I guess I just turned into your mother.
10920 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM And Guess What -- I'm Just As Employable As You
Housekeeping lady, emptying cubicle garbages: Were you in a training class all week?
Engineer: Yes. It made for a long week.
Housekeeping lady: I swore I would never go back to another class after I graduated high school.
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Lisa
10AM You Thinking What I'm Thinking?
Lady peon: Argh! John* is so retarded!
Male peon: You say that about everyone. According to you, we could get a tax break with all the mentally handicapped people we employ...
Speer Boulevard and Zuni Avenue
Denver, Colorado
11AM Guess Who Never Has to Go Shopping Again
Coworker: So then he came home with all these bags of groceries, all proud, and after he got them all put away, I was like, 'That's not groceries! That's meat and a pineapple!'
1450 Energy Park Drive
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: JoJo
1PM That Looks Like... My Wife's Pumpkin!
Grunt, alone in cube: Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater... Fuckin' bitch.
North Las Vegas, Nevada
3PM And Ringtones
Worker bee: Does Anal Cunt have a MySpace page?
1500 Sansom Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: dmac
12PM Don't Put Me on the Spot
Woman: Hey! How are you?
Small, loud man: Do you really want to know, or should I just smile and nod?
3040 Cornwallis Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: Ben A. Fit
1PM Enough to Make a Raft and Sail to New Zealand
Worker bee: I've got a carton of condoms. Do you think that will be enough?
Perth
Australia
Overheard by: Rachelle
12PM Or Salmon Mousse with Cucumber Sauce
Coworker, after boss's going-away party: I just feel sick... like I'm going to throw up. Maybe I'm allergic to sentiment.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM Because If So, Yes
Office drone #1: Have you ever been to Chinatown for dim sum?
Office drone #2: Is that a drug?
Chicago, Illinois
4PM The Sound of the Chainsaw Was the Tip-Off
Coworker #1: I'm really excited about getting my hair cut tonight.
Coworker #2: What are you going to have done?
Coworker #1: I don't know. I usually just say, 'Surprise me.'
Coworker #2: Oh. That's what I said last time...
Coworker #1: That was a big mistake for you, wasn't it?
111 South 1st Avenue
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: McMathis
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1, whispering: They're firing Lily* on Friday!
Lily, standing behind coworker #1: Why!! What did I do!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Development Meeting
Dev: Well, what you have to do is--
QA: Wait, wait. Can you start at the beginning?
Dev: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
QA: ...
1600 Clarkson Road
Chesterfield, Missouri
9AM In a Way, It Wasn't Sarcasm
Woman with bandaged finger: Ever since I cut my finger, it's been so difficult doing stuff...typing, getting dressed, eating...
Woman with missing hand: I can't even imagine.
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Translation: I Would Kill to See You in Shorts
Worker bee: Are you new here?
Temp: Oh, I'm just temping.
Worker bee: Do you like it?
Temp: Yeah, I'm really enjoying it here.
Worker bee: It's so casual.
Temp: Yeah, I'm glad I can just wear jeans.
Worker bee: You could wear shorts if you wanted. I mean, I don't know if you wear shorts, but people here do, so you totally could. If you wanted.
6300 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Yep, the Bad Samaritan Is Straight
Garbage man to another: I was driving a truck on the on-ramp and I seen a naked guy runnin' alongside the freeway. I yelled at him, 'Yeah! Way to go! Naked people are cool!' It wasn't like it gave me a chub or anything.
Garbage company
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: the dispatcher whose heard it all
12PM Honestly, Such a Fuss about Comma Faults
Editor to another: You're killing me. Why don't you just cover yourself with tapioca and let the birds eat you?
Beaumont, Texas
10AM Management Zombies Also Eat the Brains of the Living
Office grunt: I don't know where he gets it from... No, wait, I know where he gets it from -- he sucks the energy of others.
Software office
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Lauren
9AM The Best Way to Try Something New Is to Maintain at Least a Little Connection to the Familiar
Girl #1: You know that gay guy that works second shift?
Girl #2: Yeah, what about him?
Girl #1: I took him out to meet all my hetero friends, and they enjoyed the shit out of him.
2800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: snorted my diet mountain dew
11AM I Think You Could Have Ruled Him Out at 'Scooter'
Female coworker describing a guy she met: He pulled up on his scooter... with his sister on the back...
15351 Roosevelt Boulevard
Clearwater, Florida
Overheard by: is that a good thing
5PM Sorry, Everyone -- Sorry!
Worker bee: Well... That's the last time I put fiber powder on my macaroni and cheese.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
2PM It's Just Sort of Good, Like a Dancing Bear
Analyst #1: It's perfect -- it's like a unicorn.
Analyst #2: We'll see some disagreements on perfect.
Empire Avenue
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Statja K
3PM All My Promises to Myself
Coworker #1: You touched the nipple? You broke it?
Stan*: I didn't break the nipple!
Coworker #2, walking in: What did you break, Stan?
420 5th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM This Is Just Like the Time I Coughed Up That Set of Keys
Woman #1: Oh my god, I got so drunk last night that I ate a cigarette!
Woman #2: What? Did you throw up?
Woman #1: I tried to make myself. I got some of it out, but the filter is still in there. Do you think that's bad?
Woman #2: I doubt it.
Woman #1: I have no freaking clue why I did it, I just decided to -- it was so bizarre!
Woman #2: Oh, man...
1020 19th Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM And who do you Mean When you Say 'You'?
Coworker #1: Did you work here in 1993?
Coworker #2: 'Here' in what sense?
1110 West Washington Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: next cube over
3PM Or Be in Charge of Re-Filling the Milk Pitcher
Female coworker: Do you think you can have your nipples removed? I mean, I would never do it, but for a man? He doesn't need them. They don't breastfeed, so they're totally useless. I would be disturbed if I ever saw a man lactating... Yeah, this is why I shouldn't think.
Doughnut shop
Quincy, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Disturbed Coworker
3PM Less Than 35 Cats Isn't Pathetic At All
Co-Worker: She sounds like she has a lot of cats. Like 40. She probably lives with these forty cats and has a pathetic life. Just listen to that voice.
5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Nicole J.
5PM That's a Little Old to Not Be Having Real Sex
Social worker: So I gave the kid my copy of the DSM so he could diagnose his dog, and when he brought the book back he asked me for some porn. I thought the book was a good starting point so he could help his dog, but I don't know about the porn. He is only 17.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
3PM He Thinks People Are Coming On to Him When They Flip Him Off
Co-worker #1 gives co-worker #2 the hand signal for devil horns.
Co-worker #3, returning the signal: Loser.
Co-worker #1: What did you say that for?
Co-worker #3: You called me a loser, so I called you a loser.
Co-worker #1: I did not. I was giving Kelly* the devil horns.
Co-worker #3: Oh, sorry.
Co-worker #1: It's okay. I guess it's easy to think that people are calling you a loser because you still live with your parents.
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: We were supposed to be working
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: She was such a bitch to me for no reason! I think I'm beginning to hate people.
Coworker #2: You used to like people before working here? That's so freakin' cute!
430 W Vine Street
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: I Heart Condescension
9AM Back to Work
Partner #1: You're wearing a t-shirt?
Partner #2: It's not a t-shirt. It's designer.
Partner #1: Glad to see you're back in gay mode.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: new here
4PM Update Resume
Co-worker #1: I have my big meeting tomorrow.
Co-worker #2: What meeting?
Co-worker #1: You know! The meeting where I'm going to stand up and say, "Fuck this! I quit!"
122 South Main Street
Ann Arbor, Michigan
5PM This Office Stinks; I'm Done
Co-worker #1: Hey, do you remember back in school when every school had the smelly kid? You know, he had no particular reason for smelling and no one could never place it but, nonetheless, he had a bad, stale smell to him?
Co-worker #2: Ha, ha. Yeah, I do. Why?
Co-worker #1: If this office was a school, you'd be the smelly kid and you need to do something about it.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Matty K
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I really need to do Yoga again.
Co-worker #2: Do you want my Yoga tapes? I don't do it anymore, because my dog just won't leave me alone when I'm down on all fours.
57 East Green Street
Champaign, Illinois
9AM Have You Considered Beating Him?
Peon #1, about son: Yeah, so he's just at that age where he's throwing things around now. I mean, he'll grow out of it, but it's annoying replacing his dummy every time he throws it away.
Peon #2: How old is he?
Peon #1: Twenty-three.
Clarendon Street
East Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
1PM I'd Give Anything to Be As Miserable As You
Broker #1: I'm getting a divorce.
Broker #2: No way, man. You're lying.
Broker #1, sadly: I wouldn't lie about that.
Broker #2: Oh, now, you're just saying that to make me jealous.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
2PM It's Just that Karen is Very Fondle You
Office girl #1 to girl #2: Oh, you are so supportive, Karen*!
Office girl #3: Yeah! Like a bra!
423 East 23rd Street
New York, New York
11AM Something People Will Get Tired of before They Even Hear It
Coworker #1: You look pensive.
Coworker #2: Well, I'm trying to come up with a new cliché.
Delaware
9AM Needless to Say, I'll Never Eat Government Cheese Again
Editrix: I remember a time at this company when someone would say there was free food, and I'd go get some. It didn't matter what it was -- I ate it because it was free.
Scheduler: Sounds like a dark time.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: Writer guy
4PM 9999: "Other"
Grunt #1 on phone: They said that I was down there for one of two reasons -- to buy drugs or find a prostitute.
Grunt #2, after #1 hangs up: I don't want to know. As long as it was billable...
Grunt #1: What's the task code for hiring a prostitute?
180 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: in tears
11AM You Also Gotta Refrain From Calling it 'The Gerbil'
Sales guy #1: You're nasty!
Sales guy #2: I'm not the one that took the pictures on that site.
Sales guy #1: I'm not the one that's talking about shaving my gerbil!
Sales guy #2: Oooh... You gotta shave the gerbil. You GOTTA.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM And Just Like That, the Headache Was Gone
Coworker #1: Will you come over and put a cold compress on my head?
Coworker #2: Sure, what do you want me to wear?
355 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: BiPolar
1PM But Why Are Male Women Getting Their Panties in a Bunch Over It?
Coworker in lunchroom: I don't know whether that's insulting to gay men or female women.
Des Moines, Iowa
1PM And the Pants
Voice from conference room: Give me back my shirt!
Large law firm
New York, New York
9AM We Hit the Jackpot with Dizzy Does Dallas
Female coworker: All we ended up doing all weekend was watching porn and movies about jazz musicians.
Broad St & Cecil B. Moore Ave
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM No, For When Jay Leno Gets Bored of Spanking It in Front of the Mirror
Co-worker #1: Oh, no way!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: Taylor Hicks is People magazine's #1 hottest bachelor.
Co-worker #2: Taylor Hicks, the American Idol guy?
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Is that for the Braille edition?
955 Peachtree Parkway
Cumming, Georgia
2PM Long-term Planning
Employee #1: I just don't understand the point of Martin Luther King Day.
Emoloyee #2: Come on! It's a big day! It celebrates when Martin Luther King freed the slaves.
Employee #1: That was Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. Well, it celebrates when Martin Luther King gave the Emancipation Proclamation.
Employee #1: That was also Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. I'm not very good at history.
821 Benvenue
Rocky Mount, North Carolina
4PM Order New Fan
Co-worker #1: You should get that fan fixed. It's really loud.
Co-worker #2: I don't mind it.
Co-worker #1: It's really loud.
Co-worker #2: I don't mind. I just pretend I'm working in my private jet at 30,000 feet. It's noisy for a computer fan but it's really quiet for a jet.
2137 Highway 35
Holmdel, New Jersey
Overheard by: Chuck Roast
3PM Oh, Sure, Now That You Put It That Way
Coworker #1, carrying on secret relationship with #2: What are you trying to say?
Coworker #2: I'm not saying anything. You know what I'm saying.
Coworker #1: What are you trying to say?
Coworker #2: I'm not saying anything. You know what I'm saying.
Hospital
New York
12PM It's a Hot-Button Issue for Elephant-Americans
Cube dweller #1: You like chunky peanut butter, don't you?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, I do.
Cube dweller #1: Pervert.
135 East 57th Street
New York, New York
12PM I'm Telling
Middle-aged man #1 on speakerphone: You're a poo-poo head.
Middle-aged man #2: Well, you're a pu-pu platter!
Dupont Circle
Washington, DC
3PM Plus, We'll Get Utilities and Free Parking
Waitress #1: I can't tuck this corner. I suck at folding napkins.
Waitress #2: We should just make a monopoly line with this.
Waitress #1: [Stares blankly.]
Waitress #2: You know, a monopoly line? I'll start it, you finish it. We'll get this done faster.
34 Cooper Square
New York, New York
4PM Yeah, Baby, the Pusher Knows What You Need
Coworker on phone: I'll meet you down at the corner. Bring me anything you have that is SpongeBobby or princessy.
East Marshall Street
Richmond, Virginia
9AM Probably Time to Make a Fresh Pot of Coffee
Drone #1: It's a different texture.
Drone #2: It's hard. I'll suck.
Austin, Texas
11AM Why You Should Have Sex before Marriage
Newlywed father-to-be on phone to coworker: Yeah, it's great! Although... It's very large and hard... For some reason I thought it would be squishy.
4001 South 700 East
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Really hopes he's talking about his wife's belly...
11AM Though He Has Been Tallying the Days in Crayon on His Crib Wall
Worker #1: How's everything with the baby?
Worker #2: He seems to be pleased with his accommodations. At least he hasn't complained verbally.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
10AM Stop Calling It That! It's Just an Unclaimed Drink
Barista to another after calling out drink orders: So, uh, what are you going to do with the dead body?
Starbucks
Burbank, California
Overheard by: rambunkcious
11AM Which Is Part of the Reason I've Been Fired
Worker bee: It's like he's a totally different person. I'm not sure if it's him or if he's been taken over by aliens. I keep checking him for anal probes.
Denver, Colorado
4PM Another Drawback of the Atkins Diet
Coworker to another: Remember the time you spilled your meat juice in the back of my Pathfinder?
6412 Maple Avenue
Westminster, California
11AM It's a Good Thing We Caught That When We Did
Coworker #1: The new fix is now in place.
Coworker #2: Is this the fix that fixes the unknown thing we don't know about or the other thing?
Coworker #1: The unknown thing.
Oxford
United Kingdom
3PM Because I Have Other Things That Need Doing
Worker bee quoting a customer: I have a file that's labeled 'Read only.' Does that mean I can only read the file?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: quiet1
2PM There's a Lot to Fear at Blair Witch Manufacturing
Office chick #1: I'm scared of the men's room. I think it's the urinal...
Office chick #2: I'm scared of that little thing in the men's room.
Office chick #1: What little thing?
Office chick #2: You know -- that little wooden thing. It used to be in our bathroom... It looks like a little totem pole.
Newtown Square, Pennsylvania
11AM I'm Wearing My Power Tights
Office dweller: Well, if I need to look more professional I'll just take off my pants.
304 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Pandora
5PM Been Carrying It Since Last Tango in Paris
Guy: Man, having cigarettes without a lighter is like having peanuts without the jelly!
Lady: Don't you mean butter?
Guy: Oh, no. I got the butter.
1450 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: smoking some distance away
11AM Getting a Government Contract. Didn't I Say That?
Coworker #1 on phone: Seriously, it was like neutering a cat with a butter knife.
Coworker #2 on speaker: What?
DT Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Suddenly glad I don't have pets
12PM Mutual Assured Destruction
UPS guy: I think you would be pretty surprised by my stool attack.
4140 Clemmons Road
Clemmons, North Carolina
Overheard by: Fellow UPS Employee
9AM You Also Need to Have Finished Third-Grade Math
Worker: Yup, it takes a lot more than a million dollars to be a millionaire these days.
Hermiston, Oregon
4PM I Need It to Take My Mood Elevators
Cube rat #1: Um... Where'd they put the fridge that was here?
Cube rat #2: I don't know, but I had juice in there. With vodka in it.
63rd Street and Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Those're the Odds When Your Best Customer's Layla
Employee #1, getting up: Stupid customers...
Employee #2: Yeah, they always come when you're on your knees.
Fast food place
Carlingford
Australia
1PM Where's Your Savior Now, Fatty?
Coworker secretly returning another's bag of snacks while clutching stomach: Good God. This must be how those people who are eating that 200-pound, anatomically correct chocolate Jesus feel. Pardon me while I unbutton my pants so I can breathe.
300 North McKemy Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM Naked and Sweating, I Find Myself Trapped in a Prison of My Own Making
Coworker: Hey, are you doing Lego naked in there?!
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: The joys of a home office
4PM Ain't No Dignity in Being Knocked Up
Guy #1: Hey, you don't look so great.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm sick, I think I might throw up.
Guy #1: I've thrown up lots of times at work... but I was hung-over.
Downtown, Boston, MA
1PM Which Is How They Get You
Cube rat #1 in response to a mime: Thank you, Marcel Marceau... Hey, is he dead?
Cube rat #2: I hadn't heard anything.
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Silent Observer
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: I guess worst case scenario is they call me in for an interview, then shoot me, and kick my dead corpse in the balls.
Worker #2: Yeah. That would be worst case.
3908 Avenue B
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Server King
10AM Call 911!
PVC worker: Hey [Neil], I don't mean to sound like a pussy, but I just cut my finger off.
1000 Eden Valley Road
Golconda, Nevada
2PM Book Room
Co-worker: So I'm staying with these two guy friends of mine but it's not like it'll cost more. The hotel I mean. Because they'll sleep in one bed together and I'll sleep in the other. They've done it before. Not that they're gay, but when you're cheap you'll sleep with anyone.
250 George Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
5PM That's a Wrap
Clinical Services Manager: I hate it when my email is full of porn!
Clinical Services Assistant: Well, at least it's not kiddie porn.
Clinical Services Manager: Wait, they make porn with cats in it now?
999 Home Plaza
Waterloo, Iowa
Overheard by: RicaChica
6AM Everything's Upside Down in Oz
Co-worker 1: ...they're always very nice people, though.
Co-worker 2: Who are?
Co-worker 1: Gay people. Very good linedancers.
Civic Drive
Greensborough, Melbourne
Australia
8AM We'll Be the Judges of That
Girl: ...did you go to Overheard in the Office? It said, "Helpful Co-worker: Does anyone want anything from Starbucks? Tired Co-worker: Yeah, get me a triple iced mocha with a shot of crack in it."
Guy: That sounds delicious, although I don't think baking soda tastes so good.
Girl: Believe it or not, I've actually tried baking soda--for heartburn. Works great, tastes like ass.
Guy: Are you for real? Think of the wonders crack must do for heartburn, then.
Girl: What heartburn? You don't eat anything while you're on crack!
Guy: By the way, your last comment was Overheard in the Office worthy.
1201 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM Actually It's Not Much of a City Either
Co-Worker #1: Do you know the generic country code of London?
Co-Worker #2: Umm, London is a city, not a country.
Co-Worker #1: Oh OK, was not aware.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Lunch: One of the Three Most Important Meals of the Afternoon
American Coworker: Lets do Chinese!
Native Chinese Coworker: I know good p[l]ace!
American Coworker: Real Chinese food from real Chinese cooks?
Native Chinese Coworker: No, cooks all Puerto Rican.
11804 Cherry Grove Drive
Gaithersburg, Maryland
3PM James Madison Drops Traditional Wrestling, Adds Jell-O Variant
Guy #1: I love the Jell-O here.
Guy #2: Yeah... Want to go take a shower?
Guy #3: Hell yeah, let's go take a shower!
Guy #1: Alright, I'll run to my room, drop off my stuff, and we can head over to take a shower.
Kinsolving dining room
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: HornFan
11AM You Can Take Recycling Too Far
Office grunt: His lunch smells like he took a shit on a plate and microwaved it.
265 North Western Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Melissa B.
2PM Hey, Why Do You Have All the Dry-Erase Markers?
Frazzled coworker: I need to order some aromatherapy stuff for my desk. Deadline days would go much smoother if I was a huffer.
Wausau, Wisconsin
4PM She Was Breast-Feeding, You Sicko
Coworker on phone: And I like them already, they seem pretty cool. Nothing like starting my day with a cute chick showing me her boob.
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: i wanna see!
12PM Without Him, I Don't Want a Liver
Cashier #1: So, how are you?
Cashier #2: Oh, you know -- I'm still really upset about--
Cashier #1: --About that whole David* thing?
Cashier #2: Yeah, I'm still really upset about us breaking up.
Cashier #1: Oh... Yeah...
Cashier #2: But he called last night and said he'll think about getting back together.
Cashier #1: Oh, well... that's good, isn't it?
Cashier #2: So then I drank a whole bottle of bourbon by myself in two hours.
Perth
Australia
10AM That Poster of Paris Hilton Over Your Bed, for One Thing
Dude #1: Hey, thanks dude, you really didn't have to.
Dude #2: Oh, that's okay, man -- no problem.
Dude #1: So, how did you know I liked princesses?
Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: lesley
10AM Wasn't There a Rule about Only Making New Rules on Even-Numbered Days?
Mailroom girl #1: Ugh! No speaking in French while I'm counting mail!
Mailroom girl #2: Sweet Jesus, every day there's a new rule!
Ft. Lowell and Alvernon
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: dances with wolverines
5PM It Delivered a Christmas Warning and Vanished
Lady suit: It was a full moon and I saw a cow standing right in my front yard!
Intern, slightly freaked out: Oh my god.
Lady suit: Yeah, with the moon shining it looked like it was glowing green.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Marie
10AM I've Mostly Stuck to That
Coworker: Oh, look! He got you more flowers! Wow, he's really pursuing you!
Coworker using online dating service: I know! But I told him I wouldn't go out with him until the divorce is final.
700 East Street
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Overhearer
1PM While Your Coworker Holds It... What?
Lackey #1: My buddy tells me he exercises his cock in the shower by doing curls with a wet towel.
Lackey #2: That's ridiculous. Everyone knows the best way to do that is by flexing your chode muscle all day long.
100 Wall Street
New York, New York
1PM Our Secret Formula -- It's Working!
Coworker: There are people making out on the lawn! [Everyone rushes to window to look.]
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Thanking God I'm not white trash
1PM If It Crawls Under the Files, They'll Never See It Again
Peon, about crowd: What's going on over there?
Coworker: One of them's just had a baby and he's brought it in. Look, there it is on the floor!
Hertfordshire
UK
Overheard by: well, there's no daycare
11AM They're Having Their Annual Gala Next Door
Office liar: The Navy hires very conservative people to captain nuclear submarines.
Male coworker: Really?
Office liar: Yeah, every nuclear submarine captain I've ever met has been very level-headed.
Female coworker: How many nuclear submarine captains have you met?
Office liar: Hundreds!
West Loop
Chicago, Illinois
4PM ... And Then Flinging Them at Michael Richards
Bulgarian coworker: There is nothing like the joy of opening a can of tomatoes.
13251 Roosevelt Boulevard
Clearwater, Florida
Overheard by: her accent makes it sound great
5PM If They Provided Lunch, They Wouldn't Have to Pay Us at All
Cube dweller #1, at weekly company breakfast: Oooh, breakfast. I forgot today was breakfast day.
Cube dweller #2: They sure do know how to buy us off. They could take away our chairs and there would only be a minor grumbling, but if they took away our breakfast... Like, 'Yeah, we're gonna be a standing agency now.' 'Yeah, that's cool. Just don't mess with my breakfast.'
233 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
2PM NewsFlash: Indianapolis Churro Scandal!
Newbie: I need to use the restroom.
Waiter: If you need to shit you'd better get here before the Mexicans get in the employee bathroom. I don't know what the fuck they eat, but their shit smells like it has sugar on it.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
5PM Could You Just Stop Talking about Centimeters?
Exec assistant: Fuckin' pregnant chicks...
Preggers: I didn't even get you wet!
Waterloo
Canadia
10AM They All Went Red on the Same Day
Peon #1: Greenfield Community College has gone communist -- they're doing Vagina Monologues.
Peon #2: Don't get me started on Greenfield's vaginas.
University of Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts
9AM Or You Could Throw One in before We Lose Any More People in Iraq
Coworker #1: So, you're saying that in the movie he twisted the towel so tight it became a sword?
Coworker #2: Yeah, like, if you spin a towel tight enough it gets rigid, but if you put Kung Fu in it, it's like a weapon.
Government agency
Washington, DC
Overheard by: kung fu master
11AM Expanding Outreach
Woman #1: Hi! You must be new here. What's your name?
Woman #2: Anna*
Woman #1: Anna, when did you start?
Anna: Five years ago.
700 West Capitol Avenue
Little Rock, Arkansas
3PM Out for Some Fresh Air
Courtyard dweller #1: I am not sure I should hire him.
Courtyard dweller #2: Why? He seems cool enough.
Courtyard dweller #1: I asked him what he was listening to on his iPod when he walked in.
Courtyard dweller #2: Yeah, and?
Courtyard dweller #1: He was listening to Celine Dion.
Courtyard dweller #2: Enough said.
10050 Wolfe Road
Cupertino, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Office worker: Can you come in tomorrow, say, 6PM?
Intern: Naw, I got my fencing class.
Office worker: What?
Intern: You know, just in case the English attack again.
717 D Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Dannie Boyer
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: The pollen is so bad, this morning I coughed up a flower.
Worker #2: Oh my god, are you serious?
Worker #1: Uh...no.
6355 MetroWest Boulevard
Orlando, Florida
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: He figured out how to take the "this was sent from a BlackBerry" message off, so he can email and nobody knows he's not in the office.
Worker #2: Gosh, he's sneaky.
900 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Duncan
5PM This Would Make a Great Pine-Sol Ad
Employee #1: Someone stunk up the downstairs bathroom again.
Employee #2: Did you spray the spray?
Employee #1: Yes, and now it smells like someone shit next to a pine tree.
800 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
6AM Taking the Work Out of "Co-worker"
IT guy: Does anyone want to help me move some equipment into the U-Haul downstairs?
Co-worker #1: You know I would, but I'm just not wearing the shoes for it today.
Co-worker #2: Why don't you put on your tennis shoes? I see them under your desk.
Co-worker #1: Shh!
3100 West Lake Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Samantha Quinnsbury
2PM Please Leave a Message in Ugaritic after the Beep
Coworker: Hello. I don't speak English.
Newton, Massachusetts
2PM The Gold Metal Bikini's Pretty Cool, Though
Office girl commenting on CEO's haircut: What happened to her?
Queer coworker: I know! It looks like something they created for Star Wars and then rejected: 'Ewww, too ugly!'
701 G Street
Washington, DC
4PM High Fructose Corn Syrup Comin' at Ya!
Employee #1: Dude, are those the organic ones?
Employee #2, pelting others with jelly beans: No, that's why I'm throwing them.
Organic health food store
Houston, Texas
10AM Where's George Washington When You Need Him?
Middle-aged order entry woman: Girls, I tell you, by the time lovin' comes back around to me, that cherry will have done growed back!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: nikki
5PM As Long As There Was Enough Glade on Hand
Coworker #1: Oh, that sounded like a queef.
Coworker #2: I had a friend who could roll over and queef on command.
Coworker #1: Wow! That would be a great party trick.
Washington Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM I Thought in Detail about Your Public Humiliation
Employee #1: I was watching American Idol, and I thought of you.
Grotesquely singing employee #2: Oh my gosh! That's so special!
Financial center
New York, New York
11AM People Eat Those?
Coworker #1: Hey, would anyone like one of my canned Vienna sausages?
Coworker #2: Can you suck the jelly off of it first?
Coast Guard Headquarters
Washington, DC
12PM A Nuclear Holocaust? No.
Editor: Is there any way this can technically be swept under a virtual rug?
Two Penn Plaza
New York, New York
4PM ... She Was Telling Me a Pointless Story.
Eager peon: Did I tell you I had a dream about Whoopi? It's so funny, because -- and you'll find this funny -- it's so weird, I promise you. I had this dream with Whoopi, I guess because she's on The View now, and I had this the weekend before she was on The View, and I had this dream that it was just me and Whoopi and we were all alone--
Coworker, interrupting: --I had a dream about your mom.
Bank
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM But Everybody Calls Him Davy
Coworker: Does any other Daves work here?
Dave: No. Except for Dave.
Book store
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: We also have three Ashleys, three Michaels and two Clints!
9AM It's Too Late to Save This Conversation
Straight guy #1: Are we actually watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show?
Straight guy #2: It's just on.
Straight guy #3: I think she's hot.
Straight guy #2: Ellen DeGeneres is hot?
Straight guy #3: Yeah.
Straight guy #2: I saw her in real life once.
Straight guy #3: Yeah, where?
Straight guy #2: I was in a lesbian disco in West Hollywood.
Straight guy #3: Wait, she's gay?
Straight guy #2: Ellen? Are you kidding?
Straight guy #3: Oh, I thought we were talking about Rachael Ray.
1260 Library Street
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: little*bit
3PM And I'm Not Going Down Alone
Worker lady: This year is my last birthday.
Post office, 10 Atlantic Street
Newark, New Jersey
3PM It Lost Its Virginity in Sixth Grade!
Blood drive participant: My blood is faster than your blood!
1924 Alcoa Highway
Knoxville, Tennessee
9AM Boyfriends Are So Difficult to Maintain
Engineer to room full of coworkers: Well, I figure if he takes a crap every day, he's eating enough, right?
West Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: Maybe Engineers Shouldnt Be Fathers
5PM It Does Seem That the Planet Has Enough People
Woman on phone: So, the reason he can't cum is because he virtually has no sperm count. No sperm at all. That's such a relief!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rosie
3PM On the Plus Side, I Can't See the Band at Rolling Stones Concerts
Short coworker behind tall coworker's chair: I wish I were tall enough to hover more effectively.
Roseville Road
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: BanditCat
9AM ...When I Saw the Pile of Wounded Interns in Front of the Door of His Room
Guy: So, I figure that either they tried to give dad a needle somewhere he didn't want it, or something really bad happened.
Broadway
Winnipeg, Canada
Overheard by: Shalamar
4PM Goering Was Especially Tasty
Man: We're gonna make some bratwurst.
Woman #1: What's the difference between sausage and bratwurst?
Woman #2: Well, bratwurst is German.
Woman #1: So they're just German pigs?
Company picnic
Montclair, New Jersey
2PM Introducing the 2006 Pro-Life Poster Gal
Woman #1: I'm pregnant again.
Woman #2: On purpose?
Woman #3, sighing: I need a rest from all these ass-wipes that work here. I need a little hospital- and daytime TV R and R.
Montvale, New Jersey
12PM Which Was Actually Required by His Last Employer
Female coworker #1: So, what do you think about Henry?
Female coworker #2: He's an odd egg, but a good egg -- at least when he's not licking people.
Wausau, Wisconsin
5PM They're Opening for Shroud of Turin
Female analyst: Actually, my parents are in town this weekend. I think we're going to go see the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Male analyst: Oh! The Dead Sea Scrolls! You mean... the band?
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Bored Actuarial Intern
9AM It's Funny, Though -- There's This One Where Everyone Has a Four-Year Sentence
Intern chick: Where's Ithaca?
Bronx boy: It's upstate.
Intern chick: Upstate?
Bronx boy: Way upstate.
Intern chick: So where are we?
Bronx boy: We're southern. The very southern tip of New York.
Intern chick: OK, how far north is it?
Bronx boy: Really far north... it's near prisons, if you really want to know the truth.
125th Street & Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
12PM What the Fire Said
Guy over PA system: May I have your attention please. There has been a fire reported in the building.
Co-Worker: Well, that's just an excuse to go smoke.
East 13th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: blocking the exit
12PM Lunch
Girl: So, I just had my exit interview with HR and they were all like, "Be honest, why did you just up and quit out of nowhere?"
Guy: Did you tell them the truth?
Girl: I told them that I was in love with you, and that the sexual tension and frustration was creating a poor work environment for me.
Guy: So then you did tell the truth.
Route 1 South
West Windsor, New Jersey
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: So your wife works as a nurse in the ER at that new fancy hospital?
Co-worker #2: Yep. Has been for 6 months.
Co-worker #1: Do they treat people who come in without insurance there?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, treat them like shit.
1620 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: You can't leave for a day ever again!
Co-worker #2: Why not?
Co-worker #1: Because without you there the average IQ in that room drops to 72.
1834 West Selfridge Street
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Asja
4PM It's Not Like They Need Volunteers, Guys
Co-worker #1: Hey guys, there's a comedy show next week to benefit breast research.
Co-worker #2: Breast research?!
Co-workers #3 & #4: Breast research?
Co-worker #1: sorry, I meant breast cancer research.
Co-worker #2: That's totally different!
685 Cathcart Street
Montreal, Quebec
Overheard by: Timmy O' Toole
12PM Aloha Exhaustion, Aloha Productivity!
Helpful Co-worker: Does anyone want anything from Starbucks?
Tired Co-worker: Yeah, get me a triple iced mocha with a shot of crack
in it.
827 Fort Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jade Shiroma
3PM Judi Dench Fan-Fic Has a Small but Devoted Following
Engineer #1, about coworker's new implants: Dude, I know! She is totally shaped like a cartoon!
Engineer #2: I would really like to get in there and... motorboat, motorboat, motorboat!
Highway 78
Ladson, South Carolina
1PM Didn't You Say That Would Result in Complete Proton Reversal?
Cube rat #1: You have the scissors, right?
Cube rat #2: Yeah...
Cube rat #1: Now cut the yellow wire...
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
3PM ... My Ears
Coworker: Huh? Dude, I can't hear you, you have your headphones in.
Cambridge, Maryland
Overheard by: Why oh why...?
12PM Just Buy One That Says "I Kill Thieves"
Disgruntled worker: It would be easier if people just walked around with shirts that said, 'I steal shit.'
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
11AM ... That You're Going to Be Fired... Oh, You Don't?
Coworker #1 on phone: No, no, I would never say anything to anyone about that.
Coworker #2, as other hangs up: About what?
Coworker #1: Don't worry, you already know.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Doesn't know
5PM It's Hard to Push the Feathered Glory from My Loosening Thighs
Slutty coworker: Oh, I just joined the most fantastic group in MySpace, XYZ Friends*. It's incredible. You don't even have to look for men -- you just join and men fly all over you.
Snarky coworker: You flaming parakeet.
São Paulo
Brazil
10AM You Know How Many Drinks $10,000 Will Buy?
Lady peon: My husband's doctor told him that his liver is so bad that he has to quit drinking, so I'm going to quit with him. [Later] I can't wait to have a couple beers tonight.
Confused coworker: I thought you said you were going to quit drinking with your husband!
Lady peon: Well, a few drinks won't hurt him.
Columbiana, Ohio
Overheard by: ChatsMcGee
12PM She's One of Those Undercover Deafies
Grease monkey #1: That woman over there...
Grease monkey #2: Yeah?
Grease monkey #1: Is she deaf or something?
Grease monkey #2: Yeah, she's deaf.
Grease monkey #1: But she looks just like any other woman, yo!
Jiffy Lube, Rosecrans Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: BigWig
4PM Stairs Go Up?
Large male peon: Oh, I usually take the stairs. Do you mind if we take the stairs?
Large lady peon: Yeah, no-no-no. That's absolutely fine. I take the stairs all the time. Absolutely. So long as it isn't up.
Opperman Drive
Eagan, Minnesota
Overheard by: I'm taking the elevator
5PM And FEMA Said They'd Take a Couple of Days to Get Here
Cube dweller: Dude, there's like fucking rivers coming out of my uterus.
850 Broadway
Medford, Massachusetts
1PM I'm Way Better at It Than Jack Is
Coworker: Don't close my door. Jack* and I like to communicate.
Jack: What'd you say?
Williamsburg, Virginia
4PM Christ: I'm Married to 'Em and I Have the Same Problem
Cube dweller: I still don't know if that was a man in a costume or a real nun that was grocery shopping!
Buffalo, New York
10AM Luckily the Doublemint Twins Were There to Handle Any Gum Questions that Might Arise
Man: So what's that building over there?
Tour guide: That's the Wrigley Building.
Man: So what does Wrigley do?
Tour guide: They make gum.
Man: Gum? Really? What kind of gum?
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Britney Mix-a-Lot Needed a Lot of Therapy
Coworker: My daughter tried on a pair of pants this weekend. She asked me if her butt looked too big, because if it didn't, she needed a smaller size.
56 Haddon Avenue
Haddonfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jane
3PM Well, There Was a Black Lab, but I Was Just Experimenting in College
Person #1: Oooh! Chocolate cockers! I want a chocolate cocker!
Person #2: A what?!
Person #1: A chocolate cocker! I've never had a chocolate cocker!
Safety building, 30 North Murray Street
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Allison
11AM I'm No Longer Sure I Want to Get into This
Girl assistant: Well, how often do you move your bowels?
Queer assistant: You mean, like, sit-ups?
745 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: finance is funny
9AM The Kind of Art Installation My Grandma Would Call "Unsavory"
Project manager: So, did you get it erected?
Yard coordinator: Yeah, the bed jumped off the platform during the release.
Project manager: Well, at least the piece was solid this time. I take it the vibrators worked better?
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Love my job
4PM No Expectations, No Disappointment
Worker bee #1: I've never had a Hungry Man meal before.
Worker bee #2: It's not bad. Just don't pretend you're eating real food.
Austin, Texas
9AM Small Wonder We're Losing the War on Terror
Cube rat #1: So I woke up on the train, and my panties were gone! They stole them shits! How ghetto is that?!
Cube rat #2: Fo' real?
Cube rat #1: And they was the Victoria Secret ones!
530 5th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Icebox
Employee: So, there was nothing in the fridge? Just the dog?
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dani
9AM Refuses to Watch Baseball Because of the Flies
Suit: The other way I learned it, from Schoolhouse Rock, is that the alligator is hungry and so wants to bite the larger one.
Woman coworker: Ohhh... I see. That would confuse me, because it's got animals.
919 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: i guess graduating elementary school just was
1PM Would "Macadamia Melee" Have Sounded Less Creepy?
Minion #1: Oh, yeah, I try not to go shopping during the holidays.
Minion #2: You can't avoid it -- the music, the squealing children, everything -- it's like a peppermint orgy.
Assistant, startled: Uh, what?
12th and Peachtree
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Say what?
2PM We'll Cycle between Passive-Aggressive and Malicious-Compliance
Peon, about new manager: We can be flexible and try new things and watch it blow up in her face.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM Swearing In
Court officer speaking to almost-admitted attorneys awaiting ceremony: And when you stand, don't lock your knees or stand up straight, just relax and kind of hunch over, we don't want anyone to collapse -- it has happened before, and it is like attorney dominoes...
45 Monroe Place
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Lans
4PM Calling IT
Worker: There is something wrong with my computer. It is really
slow... I mean really slow. It is like having a conversation with Keanu Reeves.
26 Arrowsmith Road
Hamilton, Ontario
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: How do people get mirrors to stay on the ceiling?
Co-worker #2: Not sure.
Co-worker #3: We used rubber cement. We put up a few four foot square mirrors, without frames.
Co-worker #1: Rubber cement? Did it hold good?
Co-worker #3: They've stayed up for four years, but my husband is too afraid to have sex without being covered with a blanket. He thinks they might fall and cut his dick off.
4150 Belden Village Street NW
North Canton, Ohio
Overheard by: Kyosho
1PM Lunch
Health Exec: You working late?
Tech Exec: Nah, downloading porn. You?
Health Exec: Oh, you know it. Nursing administration porn. Woo-hoo!
Tech Exec: Send some my way. I'll send you some telecommunications porn.
Health Exec: "Oh baby, show me your phone. Let me see your router." Good times.
595 Market Street
San Francisco, California
10AM Call Phone Company
Admin: The phones and internet are down temporarily.
Agent: Damn, I was expecting a phone call.
Admin: Yeah, sorry, there's nothing we can do about it. There's a
problem with the hard lines to our building.
Agent: Oh, I have an idea. I can fax them.
Admin: You can't. The phones and internet are down.
Agent: Right. Oh! I can send them an email.
Admin: You can't.
Agent: Why not?
Admin: The phones and internet are down.
Agent: Oh.
907 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
4PM That Bright Light Being the Weekend, Folks!
Co-worker: That's a great idea, get a robot to sell drugs so you don't have to. That way, when the cops bust your robot, you don't get in trouble, just your robot. Just think, there's so many criminal activities you could automate, like robotic prostitutes. Until now I had thought our future was dark and grim, but how I'm seeing a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
115 Perimeter Center Place NE
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM "You mean this 'phone' device allows me to speak to other places?"
Guy: That person I just talked to was so nice. He sounded so relaxed, and people from New York never sound like that.
Woman: He's in Miami.
228 East 45th Street
New York, NY
12AM There's No "U" in Team Either
Coworker #1: My palms are sweaty. What do you think that means?
Coworker #2: It means you're annoyed.
Coworker #1: Really?
Coworker #2: No, I guess I was just projecting.
330 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Hey, One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Treasure
Coworker #1: Do you want to see my diamond?
Coworker #2: That's not a diamond -- that's your camel toe!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: i got a million of them....
12PM And Yet, Pee Does Nothing for My Coffee
Girl exiting bathroom: Coffee makes my pee smell funny.
1000 Hilltop Circle
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM The Streets Are Filled with Earnest Strivers, Though
Straight cube girl: Straight people are a dime a dozen! It's hard to find a good lesbian lover. You, of all people, should know that.
Straight cube guy: I know, I know.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM All My Botched-Surgery Cash Goes Straight into My Pocket!
Cube dweller #1: So, you were skinny before?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, I had a botched hernia. They nicked my bowel -- it was like taking a dump on your organs.
Cube dweller #1: Man, that sucks. Didn't you get a big settlement for it?
Cube dweller #2: No, because I survived. Besides, the old lady got most of it in the divorce.
Cube dweller #1: Man, I'm never getting married.
Simi Valley, California
11AM No Shirt, the White Stretch Pants...
Hipster: You know, you can really tell who loved the Smurfs as a kid.
610 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Maggie Mae
1PM Pavlov's Doug
Woman: Just open it. If the alarm goes off, then the fat guy will come up and eat something.
343 W 36th Street
New York, New York
4PM Apparently He Never Went Drinking with College Girls
Hardware tech #1: He probably covered the screwdriver in vaseline and lit it on fire.
Hardware tech #2: Actually, it was a woman. I mean, how dangerous can a woman with a screwdriver be?
460 Hillside Street
Needham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: S. Griffin
11AM And What's a 'Document'?
Employee: Hey, Bertha*, can you help me send a fax? It's been so long since I've had to use this.
Bertha: Okay, well, put your document face up here, and then enter the number here, and press "start."
Employee: What number?
Bertha: The fax number you're sending to?
Employee: Oh, am I supposed to know that?
208 Raleigh Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: snoopdude
5PM 'Benny and the Jets'? Perfect for Cardio
AP woman: You look like you're getting your figure back.
AR woman: I'm trying -- I've become obsessed with BJs.
Richmond Road
Bedford Heights, Ohio
10AM He's Modeled after That Guy from Chasing Amy
Peon #1: Where's Kevin* today?
Peon #2: What is it, Thursday? Guess it depends on whether he's black or gay today.
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
9AM What Was the Question Again?
Coworker #1: What happened to the mailbox?
Coworker #2: What about it?
Coworker #1: It's gone!
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah...
2201 Commerce Drive
Fremont, Ohio
4PM At Last, An RDA Is Established for Cookies
Drone #1: I am trying really hard to stay away from these cookies on my desk.
Drone #2: Oh my God, tell me about it. Those cookies are GOOD.
Drone #1: Maybe if I look at how many calories they have, it'll be easier to stay away. One cookie, 120 calories.
Drone #3: Well, how many calories are you supposed to have?
Drone #1: I don't know. I think 2000 calories is supposed to be average.
Drone #3: And the cookies are 120? Then you can eat all you want!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM The Red Sea Was a Giant Wine Bar
Devout drinker: So if you think about it... Moses would want you to be drunk right now.
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Converting to Judaism
12PM Ah, Now I Remember. "You're Fired."
New HR clerk: Hey, I forgot what I just said. What did I just say?
Old HR clerk: Sorry, but I'm still busy trying to remember your name.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM Tropic of Cancer Has That Effect on a Lot of People
New mother, about boss's new book: I'll pop a boob out while I'm looking at the book. [Coworkers look shocked.] Oh, no! I meant while I'm breastfeeding!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
2PM My Tumor's Gestating Nicely, Though
Worker bee to another: ... So she said it was fine that she's smoking a pack a day while she's pregnant. She doesn't mind if the baby comes out a little small.
Another worker, from across the room: I've been smoking since I was 16, and my baby still isn't born!
Chesterfield, Missouri
Overheard by: my mom smoked with me too...
11AM Soon I'll Be Able to Afford New Friends
Dude: All my meth addict friends are like, 'That's so cool. You have a job.'
Portland, Oregon
11AM Got Any Engagement Rings That Squirt Poison?
Worker bee: I won't spend 60 dollars on something I can't shoot my friends with.
11145 Westheimer Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: me either
3PM At the Long John Silver's Exotic Erotic Ball
Lady: They're going to have fish, chicken, whips, whatever.
440 Park Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Group Therapy
Coworker: Sometimes I just go out to the warehouse dock and stand on the edge and think about jumping.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM James' Birthday Thing
Birthday: Thanks.
Office: Speech!
Birthday: I want you all to know that this is the oldest I've ever been.
150 River Street
Hackensack, New Jersey
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker #1: How do you spell "vulnerable"? V-u-n-e-r-a-b-l-e?
Worker #2: No, it has an "l" in it. V-u-l...
Worker #1: Pfff, no. It's v-u-n-e-r-a-b-l-e.
Worker #2: It has an "l" in it. V-u-l-n-e-r-a-b-l-e.
Worker #1 gets the dictionary and struggles to find it under v-u-n.
Worker #1: Oh...How peculiar! Hang on.
Worker #2: V-u-l-n-e-r-a-b-l-e. Would you like me to give you the Latin root and related words? Vulnerare...vulnus...
Worker #1: Well, I never! It has an "l" in it! Well, well. You don't pronounce it like that, though. What's the "l" for?
Worker #2: ...It's for making it a real word.
200 Green Lanes
Palmers Green, London
UK
Overheard by: Peachey
9AM They're At It Again
Co-worker #1: Don't you think the enter key is kind of phallic? You know--how it's all "enter" with an arrow pointing?
Co-worker #2: Huh. Yeah. Weird.
Co-worker #1: And there's the backspace button too. Arrow points the same way.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, maybe that's so gay people don't feel left out?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Climbing Back to Work
Worker #1: Oh my, I hate these elevators. You never know what you're gonna get, kinda like those roller coasters. You know, they really have a mind of their own.
Worker #2: Yeah! And then you have these crazy doors, too, where you need to do the karate chop to make them stay open. And you do it and you say to yourself, "Oh heavens, this is one karate fight I'm not gonna win!"
1450 Broadway
New York, NY
7AM He Knows Exactly Which Button to Push, and When
Employee #1: He doesn't do anything, but he makes great presentations.
Employee #2: He gives good slide?
Employee #1: Exactly.
600 Technology Park Drive
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Jeff Dietz
12AM Take This Job and McShove It
Manager: You have to keep your collar buttoned unless your undershirt is white. I can see that yours is black.
Cashier: That's not how we did it before.
Manager: That wasn't this McDonald's.
1983 86th Street
Brooklyn, New York
9AM It Hasn't Updated Its Blog in a While
Copywriter: Have you seen Terri*? I have to ask her about her G-spot.
Sex toy company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
3PM Ladies, All of You Should Be Dating This Guy
Dude: I registered to win a trip to space, and I haven't heard anything. I'm very disappointed.
270 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas Bohrman
9AM (Sob!) All Right, I Admit It, He's Columbian!
Hispanic lady: My husband just called to let me know that he's cooking dinner for me tonight -- it'll be ready when I get home.
Black guy: That's bullshit. He's just full of Budweiser, wantin' you to come home and all.
Hispanic lady: My husband don't drink no more!
Black guy: Bullshit!
Hispanic lady: No, really! He stopped drinking and smoking 10 years ago!
Black guy: Well, if he don't drink then he ain't no Mexican. That's all they do!
Houston, Texas
11AM I'm Just Trying to Be Polite
Hardhat #1 yelling to buddy in crane: How'd you get to be so tall?
Hardhat #2: Insanity.
Hardhat #1: Shamu?
Hardhat #2: No -- insanity.
Hardhat #1: I can't hear anything down here.
University of Arkansas
Fayetteville, Arkansas
1PM Unfortunately, Mick Jagger Said He'd Only Sign Breasts
Coworker #1: Good morning!
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls? The signed balls? Because it'll be really bad if you didn't!
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
4PM Thank God I Have This NyQuil in My Desk
Worker #1: I went to all the liquor stores this morning, and they were closed. They don't open until 10 AM.
Worker #2: Well, that's retarded. Haven't they ever heard of mimosas?
Worker #1: Or alcoholics?
37 West 20 Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: shenanigan
4PM Psh, Like That Matters
Secretary: Wait, don't you have to be in the military to run for president?
Worker: No. I've taken karate in the past, so I get to skip that step.
Secretary: Oh... But do you really think you'd get enough votes?
5000 South Lewis Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Whoa Now
3PM Plus, You Know How They All Make Sweeping Generalizations
Suit #1: He was an okay analyst and he knew a lot about the markets, but--
Suit #2, interrupting: --So what was the problem?
Suit #1: Well, he was from the South so he couldn't write very well.
110 Wall Street
New York, New York
5PM It's by Armenia and Azerbaijan -- You Add Eleven Hours... Wait, What?
Peon #1: I gotta call 'em. They're in Georgia. Is it too early?
Peon #2: What do you mean?
Peon #1: Aren't they behind us? What time is it there? ... Where's Georgia?
Clements Bridge Road
Barrington, New Jersey
Overheard by: worker on Eastern time
4PM You've Dropped an Ice Cube in Your Stomach?
Worker #1: See this article on how ice makes you gain weight?
Worker #2: That's so true, because if you drop an ice cube in your stomach it has to melt before it can be absorbed.
Staten Island
New York
11AM You Could Probably Steal One From a White Castle in the Bronx and No One Would Notice For a Week
Woman: Oh, I want the baby. I just don't want the pregnancy. If I could just go to a fast food place and order a baby, I would.
4910 16th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
11AM So Act Like a Robot That Acts Like a Human Being
Woman on phone: Could you please just act like a human being?... Oh, right, I forgot. You're a Transformer.
42nd Street
New York, New York
3PM Trent Lott Just Isn't Doing It for Me Anymore
Cube dweller #1: Hey, today's your first paycheck, right? What are you gonna do with it?
Cube dweller #2: I gonna buy a new whip.
Englewood, Colorado
10AM Oh! Oh! Stuff My Envelope!
Male to female coworkers: Do you want to have an insertion party? I mean, do you need some help?
1000 West Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
1PM We Really Need a Sneeze Guard
Worker bee: Sorry, I got my lesbian juices all over it.
200 West 7th Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Phone Slave
12PM You Always Take a Weird Exit off the Conversation Highway
Bible-thumping coworker: It's my son's 35th birthday today. I can't believe my oldest is going to be 35.
Normal coworker: Oh? How many children do you have?
Bible-thumping coworker: Let's see... I have three biological and one spiritual. But we're much more than spiritual, really. It's like we have this connection.
Normal coworker, to herself: Riiiiight.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM They're a Tough Audience
Coworker on phone: Well, while you're waiting you should warm up the manatee.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM Like Ted Kennedy
Cube rat: Do you realize that it's 2007 and we're still sharing the planet with fucking animals?
210 East 43rd Street
New York, New York
11AM How, Now?
Reporter #1: Did I just hear that someone got bit by a cow on the scanner?
Reporter #2: It's possible. Some of them have really bad attitudes.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
Overheard by: Catherine
1PM It's a Lovely Chenille
Employee: I didn't ask to be employee of the month -- the mantle was thrust upon me!
Housewares store
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
9AM ... Which Are Also a Delicacy in Mexico
Office guy #1: Does anyone know of, like, a Mexican dessert?
Office guy #2: Why?
Office guy #1: Oh, my wife is having a Mexican-themed party and I have to think of a dessert.
Office guy #3: Flan? I think that is Mexican. I don't know what it is, though...
Office gal: Flan is nasty. It has a nasty texture. Flan is like the texture of a rotten cooter.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: I don't like flan either...
4PM Then Cancel Her?
Female coworker: She's so adorable it makes me want to lick her stamps.
Wausau, Wisconsin
9AM It Means I'm Gay
PM: Hey, Craig*, can you [makes weird slurping noise]?
Craig: No thanks, I'm married.
PM: I don't know what that means.
191 Oak Plaza Drive
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: ...True dat, dawg.
Worker #2: I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are white.
1400 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM Hand Out Secret Santa
Co-worker #1: Hey, [Eric]. I know what I'll get you for Christmas.
[Eric]: Oh yeah? What?
Co-worker #1: Some wifebeaters to wear with white shirts so I don't have to see your boobs through the shirt anymore.
Co-worker #2: All right...I've heard enough about [Eric]'s manboobs.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
2PM Prepare Deposits
Co-worker #1: It helps me get the deposit ready if you put all the checks in alphabetical order.
Co-worker #2: Okay, not a problem.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, they call me anal because I like it that way.
132 West Central Avenue
Lake Wales, Florida
2PM Database Testing
Worker #1: So how is the database server test going?
Junior Manager: Great! That new machine is going like gang bangers!
Worker #2: He, he..."gang bangers".
Junior Manager: Damn! You know what I meant.
Worker #1: Well...I guess they do work pretty hard.
13571 Commerce Parkway
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Richard Shoehorn
12PM It's the Next Class after Walking and Chewing Gum
Telephone grunt #1: There was someone pooping in the hallway?
Telephone grunt #2: That's what she said! Hold on, I'm going to call her. [Calls non-telephone-based grunt] She was pooping and walking? In the garage? Okay. I guess I just had to hear it again to believe it.
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
12PM As I Explained in My Eulogy
Office girl: He was murdered outside that bar.
Office guy: Oh my god! I remember that. It was on the news. You knew him?
Office girl: Yeah! I got his microwave!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
5PM Texas Law Is Pretty Clear That's Illegal
Lady #1: So, I've joined a pottery class. It's a group of people working in all different mediums. Everybody gets to make things according to their own artistic vision.
Lady #2, disgusted: Sounds very cultured.
Lady #1: Oh, no, haha -- it's not.
College and Park Street
Grapevine, Texas
3PM Pssst. Humans Are in Heat all the Time
Male coworker: It says I have to create a 'heat ticket.' Where is that?
Female coworker: Just open a general service ticket. I haven't had to go into heat to get that done.
50 Beele
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: JuJuBe
10AM Younger Workers May Arrive in Your Office with No Discernible Social Skills
Peon: Yeah, that would be a total chick magnet. Just say, 'Hey, you wanna come and, uh, meet my manatee?'
1100 Broadway
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Clair
12PM Although That Could Just Be the Mescaline Talking
Black girl peon #1: That girl is so annoying. She is so happy all the time.
Black girl peon #2: I know, right? It's like she has butterflies coming out of her mouth or something.
Washington, DC
4PM But It Looks Like It's Me, and Not the Room
Associate: What's up, Dave*? Did you get a promotion?
Managing director at secretary's desk: No, I just hate the person I've become when I'm in my office.
452 5th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Dammit, I'm Looking for Reasons to Do This
Worker bee #1: I don't know about dating him. I can't get over the age difference. It would be--
Worker bee #2: --Like raping a child?
Worker bee #1: Well, no...
Worker bee #2: Not your, like, son...
Worker bee #1: [Silence.]
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Cube Eavesdropper
12PM Men Learn a Lot about the Women They Work With
Lady peon: What? No! You don't wanna put your boobs on the toilet seat!
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: I don't even want to know, really
3PM So at Least She's Being Safe
Colleague, about her cat: Ever since I got those balloons delivered to my house on my birthday, she's really been into rubber.
Yonge Street and St. Clair Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Good Samaritan: Yeah, I Just Kept Walking, Too
Secretary: Oh my god. I walked past this hobo that smelled so bad I could taste it. I mean, I might as well have licked him.
Paralegal: Did he have blood running down his leg onto his foot? I think I've smelled him before, too.
601 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
10AM No Wait, Sorry, That's This Week's General Hospital
Woman #1: Is Aaron* coming to your house during the holiday?
Woman #2: No, he's going to Connecticut to spend the money his mother stole from his father.
Woman #1: Well, that's not all bad.
Clothing store
Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cashier
9AM Condi Rice Finally Loses It
Loud office lady: I don't need to learn no more. You know money, you know dick, you know pussy -- you don't need to know no more.
Government office, 400 Maryland Avenue SW
Washington, DC
2PM And Stick It up His Nose
Lady: What's his new obsession with cocaine? Is that, like, his new drug of choice or something? 'Cause I'm telling you, I'm about ready to have this baby just to spite him.
1548 Lee Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Fin
1PM Maintenance? Yeah, Hurry -- Her Coolant Is Leaking
Preggers coworker: Call maintenance and tell them to get the air conditioning fixed! You tell them I'm pregnant and I'm in heat up here!
Front Road
Kingston, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Neil Davall
9AM Tonight's Movie: Sideways
Coworker #1: When she [pregnant supervisor] saw what we did here, she almost had her baby.
Coworker #2: In a bad way?
Coworker #3: Nobody has a baby in a good way!
640 5th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Burt Bacharach: Dammit!
Worker bee: There's nothing more romantic than porn falling on your head...
Palmer Street
Missoula, Montana
5PM I Will Cease Moving My Mouth and Release This Button Now
Employee over intercom: Stan*, please come to the office for food consumption.
Drug store
Wood River, Illinois
10AM You Telling It to Me in a Chipmunk Voice after Sucking All the Helium out of a Balloon Only Makes It Less Credible
Coworker #1: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Coworker #2: I know it sounds stupid...
Coworker #1: No, it doesn't just sound stupid, it is stupid.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
11AM You Should See Me Paddle Myself
Male coworker #1: Oh, come on. You know you wanted to be in a frat.
Male coworker #2: I am a frat of one.
Linden Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Ethan Holbrook
2PM And Why Does It Have Eyes and Hair?
Cube wench: What's this stuff coming out of me?
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Shameless Leprechaun
12PM But the Horrified Looks on My Kids' Faces Always Set Me Straight
Sales guy: My daughter had a book when she was little called Which Witch is Which.
Sales chick: ... Huh?
Sales guy: She had a book called Which Witch is Which.
Sales chick: I thought that was one of your porn movies...
Sales guy: Well, it might be that, too. Porn and children's books... I get them confused.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Next Time Think Before You Ask Someone What's Up Their Butt
Woman on phone: How did they pull it out? Did they cut you open or go up your butt-hole?
University Place
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Guy #1: Busy day tomorrow.
Guy #2: Oh yeah? What you got going on?
Guy #1: I'm going to pick up my babymamma tomorrow around 8 in the morning. We got a busy day ahead of us.
Guy #2: Word, you hanging out with your son?
Guy #1: Nope.
Guy #2: Oh.
Pause
Guy #1: Know any good hotels that charge by the hour?
State Capitol
Albany, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: We have so much more room in the office now, [Erin] and I can dance.
Boss: Let's see you dance
Co-worker #2: Naw, she can't do it without a pole.
50 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM Clean Cube
Co-worker #1: Goodness! I can't tell you how dusty this thing is.
Co-worker #2: Why not?
Co-worker #1: Because I don't know the proper units of measurement for dust.
105 Arbor Drive
Christiansburg, Virginia
4PM Find a Ride Home
Co-worker #1: What happened to [Joel]'s car? The hood is all smashed up all the way up to the windshield.
Co-worker #2: Not sure. Ask [John], he's parked on the second level.
Co-worker #1: Second level? There is no second level.
Co-worker #2: Better tell [John] that.
60 Baylis Road
Melville, New York
12AM Tell Her It Makes Her Look Skinny
Co-worker #1: Does this skirt unflatter me more badly?
Co-worker #2: I don't even know how to answer that question.
216 Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
8AM Hangnail? I'll Get the Defibrillator
Employee #1: I've got the sniffles. Do you have any medicine?
Employee #2: Here, take this. It's got Omega-3 fatty acid to prevent heart disease.
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Lemme Guess: CFO?
Coworker: Somebody's getting arrested today, and it isn't going to be me!
1218 Webster St.,
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Stacy Lewis
12AM Etiquette: The Understood Key to Working Together
Male Co-worker: Are my ears bleeding?
Female Co-worker: I didn't know I was that loud. I'm sorry. I had the volume down.
Male Co-worker: It's just your voice, you're loud. I have excellent hearing. Put it this way, I can hear a snake piss on cotton.
5 Times Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Tamika J.
4PM Smoke Break
Female co-worker #1: You do have gonads.
Female co-worker #2: I do?
1800 M Street NW
Washington, DC
3PM Vendor Call
Co-worker #1, speaking loudly on headset phone: Well, yeah, I can totally relate to backlog problems! I mean during that refi boom we were just wall to wall with boxes full of papers. We were up to our necks in papers! If the fire marshal would've come in here, I'm pretty positive that he would've shut us down!
Co-worker #2: Should he really be saying that to our vendors?
Co-worker #3: Well, if we ever get closed down due to our vendors calling the fire department on us, at least we'll know who to thank for the days off.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
3PM Smoke Break
Real Estate Agent: So she totally knows this guy that's on The Real OC; he's a loan guy that she used to work with.
Loan Rep: What character does he play?
Real Estate Agent: He's a loan rep.
Loan Rep: I know, but what character does he play?
22342 Avenida Empresa
Rancho Santa Margarita, California
10AM Conference
Co-worker #1: Is this the small conference room, northwest corner?
Co-worker #2: It's the smallest one.
Co-worker #1: So that's why they gave it the name "small conference room"?
1661 Feehanville Drive
Mount Prospect, Illinois
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: Do you want to tell them the truth?
Boss: What's the truth?
Co-worker: The truth is that you can't go and I don't feel like it.
Boss: So you want to tell them that?
Co-worker: Yeah.
Boss: Do you want to tell them the truth or the enchanced version of the truth?
100 Chesley Drive
Media, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Back Office Peon
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker: That must be why I haven't been getting any sleep; I moved back to my own desk!
856 William Hilton Parkway
Hilton Head Island, South Carolina
4PM Order Grease
Co-worker #1: It's not always good to be the squeaky wheel.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, you really have to pick and choose your squeaky wheels.
833 Chestnut Street East
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Do they have color by numbers in England?
Co-worker #2: Mmm, I dunno. Ask [Denis], he's British.
Co-worker #1: They have fish sticks, right?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, but I think they're called something else.
205 Hudson Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Guillermo Echevarria
10AM Order Book
Our sister site has been collected into Overheard in New York, the book. It's a collection of the hilarious and horrendous material from the site, as well as a bunch of stuff we saved just for the book.
It's perfect reading for the commute to the office, and a great way to kill time from 9 to 5. You can order it here.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: We could stick it to his forehead like this.
Co-worker #2: Try it out before you stick it anywhere; mine's kinda
sensitive.
2904 Westcorp Boulevard
Huntsville, Alabama
Overheard by: Josh Roberson
4PM Finish Layout
Designer: Hey, look, I'm finished with Page 2, now all I need are your lottery numbers.
EA: The numbers aren't in yet...It's going to be another 40 minutes before they come in.
Designer: Well, can't you just forecast what the numbers will be?
200 E. Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: W. Texas Mike
1PM Pick Up Facsimiles
Co-worker on phone: I will send it V. I. A. fax.
285 Primrose Lane
Fairfield, Connecticut
12PM Although, Ordinarily, that Would Be Enough
Co-Worker #1: That new guy is kind of creepy, like he's going to come in and shoot up the place.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, I know, he's just plain scary.
Co-Worker #1: ...and not because he's brown.
17th Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Dispatch God
4PM You Get Used to Double-Entry Is the Best I Can Say
Receptionist: You can do that while you're sleeping?!
Accounting girl: Well, yeah.
Receptionist: ... Does it feel good?
Accounting girl: [Shrugs.]
Hutchinson, Kansas
Overheard by: The Temp
9AM Lack of Conscience and Sense of Entitlement. Why?
Staffer #1: In your view, how are sociopaths and psychopaths different?
Staffer #2: Why are you doing this?
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
2PM Let's Just Say the Experience Is Better in Slow Motion
Female editor: I've never been to Hooters, and I probably never will.
Male reporter: The service is exceptional.
Female editor: It takes the longest time for me to get my food there.
Male reporter: That's the best part!
100 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
11AM Told You We Should've Asked for an Energizer Baby
Woman pushing baby carriage: Bob*, I think it's dead.
Bob: Nah, it just needs a charge.
530 West State Street
West Lafayette, Indiana
Overheard by: Schmeckendeugler
3PM Anything's Funny When Done in Lederhosen
Chick: My boyfriend and I love to beat the shit out of each other. But it's okay, because we are both German.
Austin, Texas
2PM Pretty Picky for Somebody without Hedge Clippers
Coworker #1: So I was talking to my friend on the phone, and there was a snake in his room! I would have snapped it in half! I would've come after it with a pair of hedge clippers.
Coworker #2: It wouldn't so much snap as it would snip.
405 Main Street
Milford, Michigan
Overheard by: John M.
4PM And Then I'll Jump... Weee!
Female coworker #1: Are you going to sign up for a mammogram next week?
Female coworker #2: Yeah, I guess so. Are you?
Female coworker #1: Yep. I just hope they are more gentle than last year.
Female coworker #2: Well, they will have to use a bungee cord to get mine up on that ledge.
5950 Grassy Creek Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: Kelly
12PM Why Harold Got Fired
Woman, about bald Britney: She looks like a little child from Auschwitz!
Man: If only.
1040 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: Limey
12PM IT, the World's Second-Oldest Profession
Lady coworker: I'm going for a walk. My legs are sore from being under that desk all day.
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Tina
5PM Right There in the Oval Office
Office drone on phone: ... So he fit two fingers up his nose?
Back Bay
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: amused passerby
5PM Our Feet, for Instance
Office hottie #1: Just think of all the stuff we put in our mouths that we don't think about...
Office hottie #2: Ummm...
8891 Gander Creek
Dayton, Ohio
12PM Denny's?
Office grunt: Now if I say something tastes like shit, I'll have a frame of reference.
Hyde Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: A.D.
10AM Or Throw the File behind the Radiator and Hope No One Notices
New girl: How do you file your customer requests?
Veteran: By subject.
New girl: But what if there are two subjects in one request?
Veteran: You pick one.
116th and Broadway
New York, New York
12PM Thanks to a Good Divorce Lawyer
Female grunt #1 looking around: Ramone* has them.
Female grunt #2, holding plastic jacks in hand: Has what?
Female grunt #1: My balls. Ramone has my balls.
19th Street and Deer Valley Road
Arizona
1PM Talking Dirty Doesn't Come Easy for Martha Stewart
Lady on phone: Girrrl, you done sound like an apple pie that's been baked!
Evanston, Wyoming
5PM 'So Peaceful You Could Cut It with a Knife,' I Said
Circulation clerk: I was talking to her about how peaceful it is in here, and now she's going to go get a knife.
1035 North Treat Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Volks
2PM Legal Brief
Partner #1: So, I explained to her that I didn't feel that commercial sexual relationships constituted adultery. And she bought it.
Partner #2: Gotta love the commerce clause.
575 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Cyber Flirting
Employee #1: How many innings are in a baseball game? Eight? Ten?
Employee #2: Are you serious?
Employee #1: Yeah. C'mon, how many?
Employee #2: Eight. Why do you want to know?
Employee #1: I'm talking to this girl and I just told her she's struck out at the bottom of the ninth, and then I wrote, "even though there's only eight innings in baseball." Ha ha.
Employee #2: Did you send the instant message?
Employee #1: Yeah.
Employee #2: There's nine innings in baseball.
215 Glenbrook Road
Storrs, Connecticut
Overheard by: trying to contain laughter
11AM Reception
Co-worker #1: Have you seen [Amy]?
Secretary: Not in the past several minutes.
Co-worker #1: I hope she hurries up. I have to study for a test and my boss is breathing down my neck.
Co-worker #2: Hey! How are you?
Co-worker #1: I'd be better if [Amy] would hurry up and get here. I have a boss waiting on me and stuff I have to do.
Elevator dings. All look expectantly toward elevator, hoping to see [Amy]. Someone else comes out.
All in unison, disappointedly: Awww.
Paranoid co-worker #3: What? What did I do?
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM Send Out Packages
Designer: All right. V & S Courier will pick up those CDs this afternoon.
Writer: "V & S"? What is that, Venereal and Syphillis?
Designer: I think so. And like venereal and syphillis, they are always traveling back and forth. From customer to customer.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: She was like, "Nigga, just drop me off at daycare and go about your business."
11100 USA Parkway
Fishers, Indiana
Overheard by: minkey
2PM Call Jeff for Clarification
CCA #1: The client says his squirrel machine's broken. What the hell is a squirrel machine?
CCA #2: One of those things with the wheel, where the squirrels run around?
CCA #1: I don't think we provide those.
CCA #2: What's the problem?
CCA #1: He says it's broken.
CCA #2: Is he feeding it enough?
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: She is just the sweetest dog...except she likes to bite kids in the face.
625 Cherry Street
Columbia, Missouri
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I don't really pay that much attention to politics. I mean, I don't even know the difference between a Republican and a Dominican.
Sullivan Barracks
Mannheim, Germany
12PM Upgrade Software
Staff: Hey, can one of you help me fix--
IT: Go away before I replace you with a very small shell script.
7117 Florida Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: CP
12PM Quarterly Review
Co-worker #1: Hey, Tex.
Co-worker #2: Why are you calling me Tex?
Co-worker #1: You are walking funny, like a Texan.
Co-worker #2: Oh yeah, my knees are sore.
Co-worker #1: Is it quarterly review time already?
80 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Don't you hate it when your anorexia kicks in?
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: When you see things backwards.
Employee #2: Dyslexia.
423 West 8th Street
Kansas City, Missouri
10AM Put in Bins
Office girl: Why don't we recycle here?
Office guy: Because we're fucking trying to eliminate winter!
740 Dundas Street E
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM They're Finally Gonna Cork That Pesky Volcano
Co-worker: Would you like a donut?
Enormous woman: No, thank you.
Co-worker: Why not? Are you on a diet or something?
Enormous woman: Actually, yes, I am on a diet. I am going on vacation to Hawaii at the end of the month and I have only six more pounds to lose until I reach my goal! I want to take a helicopter ride over Kilauea, but the helicopter company charges $100 more if you weigh more than 200 pounds. Hope t