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9AM Memories to Carry Me through the Bad Times
Coworker #1: Do you have any happy memories from your childhood?
Coworker #2: Naked babysitters.
Honolulu, Hawaii
2PM Haven't You Seen the Prequel?
Receptionist #1: How could we have known what happened 10 thousand years ago if Jesus lived only two thousand years ago?
Receptionist #2: Because people before Jesus wrote things down in the Bible.
Receptionist #1: There were people before Jesus?
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: the saga continues
3PM Oh, Stop Pouting, You Big, Wet Baby
Staff member holding disheveled pile of papers: Now I have to go hand this in with the pages all crinkly 'cause someone threw a water balloon into my cubicle.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: culprit
5PM Yeah, I Like the Attention, Though
Frustrated employee to dim coworker: If you'd stop being an idiot I wouldn't have to hate you anymore.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Feel The Same Way
3PM This Turkey Baster Says You Are Mistaken
Co-Worker: My wife's not too happy with me.
Client: Oh, I'm sure--
Co-Worker: --No, she's pregnant again.
Client: Ooooh, that's gotta be your fault. No woman would do that to herself.
Highland Avenue
Cheshire, Connecticut
4PM So White She Doesn't Know What's Happened to the N-Word
White girl: Jesus, I just got called a nigger!
Filipino girl: What? On your break?
White girl: Yeah! And by a black person. Homeless. Wouldn't give her money. I'm about as cracker as you get... total whitey. I mean, I'm wearing Banana Republic.
1900 Broadway
Oakland, California
12PM These Are the Options?
Office dude: Some of the guys here are so blatant when they stare at and talk about cute girls that work here. I think it's demeaning.
Office chick: Yeah, but I would rather be sexually harassed for being attractive than have guys call me 'ugly.' Wow... I just set the feminist movement back, like, 50 years.
Seattle, Washington
12PM But Since You're Standing Right Here, I Can Just Tell You in Person
Boss: Can we talk for a few minutes?
Colleague: In a minute. I need to finish writing nasty emails to staff who don't learn.
Boss: We can't write nasty emails! We have to be encouraging.
Colleague: Dear sir, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that you are a complete idiot...
Australia
2PM Way-Too-Casual Friday
Co-Worker #1: I have to go expose myself to Bob* and Mike* in a meeting now.
Co-Worker #2: Maybe I should skip that meeting.
1701 North Collins Boulevard
Richardson, Texas
9AM Okay, I Have to Get Off -- Bye, Now!
Garbageman on phone: I am calling in sick. I took some Cialis and I have had an erection for more than four hours... Has anyone used that excuse before?
Dispatcher: No, not that I recall.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: dispatcher who has heard it all
3PM He's Anterean-Curious
Male coworker: But Anne Heche is oddly hot, and she'd be okay with another woman in the bedroom. Plus, she's insane, which makes her fun.
Female coworker: Well, guess if you're fantasizing about someone bi and crazy she could be interesting...
Male coworker: See? See? I think she might actually be an alien. That'd be even better! Aliens are sexy.
Female coworker: No, no, now you're just getting weird and nerdy. Aliens are not sexy.
Male coworker: I always imagined the female alien from Cocoon to be really sexy. She had a great body when the skin was on her, but there was something scary and yet awesome about the glowing part. I'd want her to keep her human skin on, but I imagine sex with her to be like nothing else you've ever imagined. And I imagine her kisses to taste like candy and electricity, like pop rocks or something.
Female coworker: Okay, now you've let me know too much information, and you're still getting all nerdy.
Male coworker: Okay, you're right. This is starting to sound weird.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
1PM But the Pashmina Goats Are Fine with You Taking That Stuff, Because No Woman Wants a Beard
Employee #1: Yeah, so PETA has helped me understand the cruelty animals are subjected to by humans.
Employee #2: I've seen some of the videos. Heinous.
Employee #1: Like that shirt you're wearing, it's made of cotton, right? You shouldn't be wearing it.
Employee #2: Huh? Why not?
Employee #1: It really hurts the sheep when they are shorn.
Bed Bath & Beyond
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Debauched Angel
5PM After Years of LSD, He Can't Tell Anymore
Coworker #1: Man, my digital camera broke. Now the sky turns pink and clouds appear green.
Coworker #2: Oh, really? That sucks.
Coworker #1: In the pictures, I mean.
Coworker #2: [Silence.]
19111 Pruneridge Avenue
Cupertino, California
3PM Yeah, It Reminds Us Why We Work
Woman to man remaining on elevator: Not getting off?
Man: Yeah, I thought it was going up. It was going down.
Woman: Ah, well, a little detour's okay.
Man: Yeah... I have a lot of work to do, though.
Woman: Well, but you know, sometimes it's important to stop and smell... the lobby.
60 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM I, for One, Welcome the Coming of That Day!
Office grunt #1: You know, it must be kind of easy to be conservative.
Office grunt #2: Yeah, it probably is.
Office grunt #1: Because they always have the fall-back slippery slope type of argument. 'Well, if we allow this, then this could happen, and this could happen, and what about this? Camels may roam the streets in gangs!'
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Shannon
11AM Except for Some Reason I Keep Getting Pregnant
Coworker: If I ever have a kid, I'm going to send them to Catholic school. I went to Catholic school and I feel I got a gooder education.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
12PM How Hard Is It to Remember My Name Is Also Devon?
IT chick: Hey, where's my homies?
Admin: What homies?
IT chick: Devon* and the little guy.
Admin, incredulous: There's a little guy?!
Little guy in corner, quietly: Thanks.
3559 Belgium Lane
San Antonio, Texas
10AM Actually, He Just Likes to Look at Himself in the Reflection
Coworker #1: Yeah, my DVD won't record my VHS tapes over to disks. I was messing with it all night.
Coworker #2: Well, DVD players sometimes have different formats -- maybe you just didn't get the right format.
Coworker #1: Here are the disks I was using. Are these the right format for my DVD recorder?
Coworker #2: These are CDs. Where did you get these from?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: You need to get DVD disks, these are for music.
Coworker #1: I just want to put my VHS tapes on DVDs, and it's not working.
Coworker #2: You bought CDs, you need to go and buy DVDs to do that.
Coworker #1: I've been working on this for the past two days.
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Return Calls to Clients
Co-worker on phone: Uh yes, this is [Brett Myers} with the Mortgage Company. It's Wednesday, 10:30 AM...I'm sorry! It's just that...well, you sounded like a voicemail voice.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
10AM They'll Strap Me to a Chair and Force Me to Look at Anne Geddes Photographs
30-something woman: Are you going to the baby shower?
20-something girl: No. Being in a room full of women talking about babies is my worst nightmare.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: athens
2PM And Leaving Early from Happy Hour to Shoot Heroin into My Eyelids
Dude #1: I quit smoking last week.
Dude #2: How's that going?
Dude #1: Well, I'm leaving early to go drinking.
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM The Means of Reproduction Are in the Hands of the Workers
Coworker #1: Hey, did you hear Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is pregnant? Explain to me how that happened.
Coworker #2 to Coworker #3: Joe*, you want to take care of this for me?
Waterfront
Washington, DC
9AM Oh, and Photocopy the Porn
Male coworker #1: So, what do you even do back there, Allen*?
Male coworker #2: Apart from sifting through all of that mail.
Male coworker #1: And making photocopies.
Allen: Watch porn and whack off.
Male coworker #1, laughing: Seriously?
Allen: Hell yeah.
Male coworker #1: Dude. You're my idol.
Office on 48th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Why? Because It's There
Coworker #1: Go fist yourself.
Coworker #2: You love saying that. I think we should start a national campaign using that slogan!
Coworker #1: I like that idea. We just need someone who's willing to appear on a billboard with their fist up their ass...
Both coworkers: Carl*!
Route 22 and Colonial Road
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Nathan
12AM Paging Donald Trump
A bagel left unattended in a microwave sets off the fire alarms. The microwave, charred and smoking, is carried outside and is placed on the sidewalk.
Fireman: Is this the object that started the fire?
Office Worker: No. When we take a break, it takes a break.
626 Thayer Road
West Point, New York
3PM Or at Least Faking a Seizure?
Female paralegal: I was in the bank the other day and I saw this cop -- oh my god, he was so gorgeous. I wanted to hold up the bank just to get his attention.
Male lawyer: Ever think of saying hello?
Cafeteria, Supreme Court
Nassau County, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM Could We Talk about Baltimore Again, Please?
White coworker: So, you're from Baltimore, right?
Black coworker: No, everyone thinks all there is to Maryland is Baltimore. I'm actually from a small town called Upper Marlboro, which is closer to D.C.
White coworker: Really? Baltimore is cool. Is where you're from like Baltimore?
Black coworker: Oh, no, it's very different. In fact, people from Baltimore don't like people from P.G. so much. They say we're bourgeois, stuck up, and that we act like white people. But we don't act white, we just have money.
29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing inside
5PM For Those Who Are Always Getting Sucker-Taught
Coworker #1: You know how there are teachable moments?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: Well, there should also be punchable moments.
Austin, Texas
12PM Gotta Love That Extra-Thick Straw
Cube rat #1: Slurpees are the best things ever. Hawaiian Punch Slurpee, man. Only second to lemonade Slurpee.
Cube rat #2: I haven't had a Slurpee in, like, 20 years.
Cube rat #1: You're ridiculous.
Cube rat #2: You're gay!
Cube rat #1: Gay for my Slurpees.
12012 Sunset Hills Road
Reston, Virginia
9AM Explains How Full House Stayed on the Air for So Long
Coworker #1: Did you watch The Office last night?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I was pretty high, so I don't remember if the parts that I thought were funny actually happened.
3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Bunny
10AM Isn't That an Adam Sandler Movie?
Coworker #1, shadowboxing and humming: Dom, duh-duh, dom.
Coworker #2: Are you singing Eye of the Tiger?
Coworker #1: No, I am singing Rocky.
Coworker #2: But that is Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: Are you sure? I thought it was Rocky.
Coworker #2: No, it's Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: What movie was that?
Coworker #2: Are you a moron?
1160 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
1PM And by "Worked" I Mean They've Learned to Live with It
Cube dweller: I don't see why people need fertility counseling. They should just buy some cheap liquor and rent a Camaro. It worked for everyone I know on the South Side.
Norman, Oklahoma
9AM The Principle Is Exactly the Same
Coworker: You killed a squid. Don't act like you took down a moose with a pencil sharpener.
16761 Via Del Campo Court
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Hal Aljibury
2PM Donated By Public-Spirited Clitizens
Librarian #1: Take a look at these new book donations that just came in.
Librarian #2: Oh, it's just a bunch of Chick Lick; we don't want it.
Librarian #1: Don't you mean Chick Lit?
Librarian #2: I stand by my statement.
501 Maitland Avenue
Maitland, Florida
Overheard by: Kristen
3PM And That Was Just for the Left One
Chick #1: That's a really nice dress. How much did it cost?
Chick #2: Oh, um, $3500.
Chick #1: $3500! For a sun dress?!
Chick #2: Oh! You said "dress." I thought you said "breasts."
3200 Fifth Avenue
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Snarfed my Soda
8AM If Karen Only Knew
Coworker: If anyone's looking for me, I'm going to go to the men's room and give it to Karen.
(Over the sounds of laughter, I saw him holding a document he was going to drop off his way to the bathroom.)
4 Washington Avenue Ext.
Albany, NY
Overheard by: Patrick George
4PM Call Me When the Atmosphere Ignites
Coworker #1: It's too hot for this time of year. It should not be 80 in November.
Coworker #2: Yeah, I know. It's almost enough to make you believe in that global warning myth.
Downtown Fort Worth, Texas
12PM In Fairness, He Didn't Seem to Know
Man: It's not my fault the guy was a fucking idiot... It may have been my fault that I told him, though.
New Street Station
Birmingham
United Kingdom
Overheard by: I would have told him, too
1PM Martina Navratilova inadvertently reveals the secret of her success
Girl: Yeah, so I have to go buy this see-through tank top and a see-through skirt for tennis. It's so stupid. And I will have to wear another tank top underneath my see-through tank top and some shorts to cover up my balls--I mean... [laughs really hard]
Career Center
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: not-so-smart asian.
2PM I'll Get Back to You Later With Some Followup Questions
Office drone #1, rubbing head: I'm so confused.
Office drone #2: Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.
Office drone #1: Uh, thanks, but that's not what I meant.
Eldridge Parkway and Memorial Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Johnny
1PM Last Time I Tried Both, I Was Asked to Leave
Old employee to young one: So, it was more important to get laid than go to the company picnic?
666 11th Street
Washington, DC
4PM Boss: Excellent! The Employees Have Become Self-Punishing
Clumsy coworker drops pile of files: Nobody look at me! I want to be alone!
1300 York Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jennifer
5PM As It Is, My Thighs Are Badly Chafed
Coworker #1: I saw you on the train this morning. You should have sat with me.
Coworker #2: Why didn't you say hello when we got off?
Coworker #1: You were, like, speed racer walking towards the building, and I waddle. Waddlers can only move so fast, and I had maxed out.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: A Fellow Waddler
3PM Good Luck Finding Anybody Else
Coworker packing her stuff as she quits: Jesus will pay my unemployment! I cannot work around you, the wicked!
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
5PM I Think They Start Dating the Owl
IT guy #1: When you work in a restaurant it seems like everyone starts dating each other. I once knew these two that worked at Subway, and they started dating.
IT guy #2: That's barely a restaurant.
IT guy #1: Do you think the girls at Hooters start dating each other?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
3PM He Keeps That Totally on the DL
Coworker #1: I was berated by Susan* yesterday because I asked for my light fixture to be fixed... again... after 13 days. She got angry because she 'has more important things to worry about.' Apparently, her husband's in the ICU.
Coworker #2: Dude, she's going to have to unplug him.
Coworker #1: I understand that, but I resent the accusation that somehow my asking for my light to be fixed betrays an insensitivity to the plight of her almost-dead husband.
Austin, Texas
9AM He Was Talking Slowly because He Thinks Americans Are Stupid
Assistant to receptionist: Remember that phone call you transferred to me earlier? The guy you thought was drunk? Turned out he was just Canadian.
Reston, Virginia
9AM It'll Be Reanimation Thursdays All Over Again
Coworker #1: You know what we should do? Pool our money together and buy a cat.
Coworker #2: Would anybody feed it? 'Cause I don't want no dead cat runnin' around here.
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Gir