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10AM You Can't Let People Get Away with Basing Their Lives on '80s Movies
Security guard: I walked in on him making love to a mannequin, so I kicked the shit out of him.
Hazeldean Mall
Kanata, Ontario, Canada
1PM It's Really Just Packaging
Cop: Pick me up a diet water.
Secretary: If they don't have diet, is regular okay?
Police department
New Jersey
4PM He's Getting Divorced, but Close Enough
Cop: Where's the chief?
Higher-up: He's out this week. He had surgery on Tuesday.
Cop: Oh, yeah, that's right. I heard he was having a hysterectomy.
Higher-up: Um, yeah.
Newark, Delaware
4PM Can You Recommend a Good Dealer?
Head of Security: I know several of you have told me I looked familiar. Well, I used to be an undercover narcotics agent...don't worry, I won't name names.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
1PM Your Grandma Always Was a Character
Policewoman: Right. So then I had to search her, and I found a crack pipe shoved somewhere that a crack pipe should never be shoved. So I entered it in the log, and then I threw it into the garbage. Then she said, 'No, you can't throw it out. That's my best one! I'll never get another one like it!'
Mother: Oh my god, honey, how nasty! I don't like you working in situations like this.
Policewoman: Well, but my point is this: of course she'll get it back. Soon as I release her, she'll just go digging in the trash and find it, and shove it right back where I found it.
Belmont Avenue and Sheridan Road
Chicago, Illinois
10AM I Said, 'Mr. Samsa, There's Nothing You Can Do!'
Border patrol agent: I tried to tell the guy his brother was dead. Metamorphosis had already set in.
3423 Interstate Highway 35
Cotulla, Texas
11AM I've Got Quotas to Meet
Cop: Is there any such thing as too many crackheads? I don't think so. There are just never enough.
Academy Street
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Dude
2PM And Where Else Would We Store Our Hash?
Male cop: Just so you know, no matter what she said, I was not trying to play with her boobs. I was just trying to throw something down in there... You can ask Susan* -- she was there.
Augusta, Georgia
Overheard by: uh... didn't need to know that
12PM Meeting at ASPCA
Attendant: Is the cat male or female?
Animal Cop: Female.
Attendant: So you checked?
Animal Cop: No, I didn't check the plumbing, if that's what you mean.
Attendant: So how do you know it's a female?
Animal Cop: Because the cat was feisty. Kind of like my wife.
326 110th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: M.L. Liu
4PM Technically It's the 2nd Thing
Security lady: The first thing you gotta do, you gotta kill all the witnesses.
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Animal
6AM A Single Bullet Can Make a Difference...If It Has Faith
Security Guard #1: Man, but 8 times! That's gotta hurt.
Security Guard #2: Can't be much difference to taking 7 slugs.
Wharf 8, Murray Street
Pyrmont
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: spleenboy
6AM There Goes the Whole Function of Language
Businesslady: Where the hell is my charger, did I leave it at the office? I thought I put it in, but...Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk to myself.
TSA lady: Well, that's OK, Sugar. Sometimes we have to talk to ourselves because we're the only ones who can understand.
Sky Harbor Airport
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM That, and They Mess Up Your Room While You're Sleeping
Woman: I wanted to find out the status of the investigation on my stolen bike. It happened three weeks ago, and I haven't heard back.
Cop: Well, ma'am, we've been busy with the orange alert.
Woman: I'm sorry -- orange alert?
Cop: Ma'am, we're in a war.
Woman: A war?!
Cop: The war with Iraq?
Woman: ... You mean the fucking Iraqis stole my bike?!
Washington, DC
2PM Tonight on WWE Smackdown: Clash of the Bureaucrats!
FBI agent: Excuse me, I'm an investigator for the FBI. I would like a copy of a student's transcript.
Registrar: Ok. You need to pay a $7 transcript fee.
FBI agent: Uh. I don't think I need to pay that. I'm an investigator for the FBI.
Registrar: Everybody has to pay for a transcript.
FBI agent: I think I will have to speak to your supervisor.
Registrar: I'm sorry, but that's what the sign says.
John Jay College of Criminal Justice, 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Waiting next in line
10AM It's actually a Clever Piece of Performance Art Commenting on the Injustice of the Electric Chair as a Means of Execution
Cop: Put the knife down, you don't want to do this.
Depressed guy: Stay back! I'm serious I'll do it!
Cop: Come on, put the knife down so we can talk.
Depressed guy: Stay back!
Cop, pulling out his Taser: Ok, last chance, put the knife down or I'll Tase you!
Depressd guy: Stop, I don't want to get hurt!
Cromwell, Connecticut
Overheard by: CT Observer
3PM And That Conversation Got Me to Turn My Life Around
Cop: What's your name?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Derrick Johnson*.
Cop: Where do you live?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
5200 W Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
9AM They Don't Tell Me What They're Storing, and I Don't Ask
Deputy: That guy told the judge that the crack they found up his ass wasn't his.
Police station
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: more information than anyone needed
10AM But I'm Watching You, Pal
Security guard: Um, we have a problem here.
Traveler: And what might that be?
Security guard: Do you have any other form of identification? Your driver's license is expired.
Traveler: No, it's not... this is 2006.
Security guard: You may pass.
General Mitchell Airport
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Feeling Secure
11AM Gives a New Meaning to 'Dirty Cop'
Cop: Oh my god! This peanut butter pie is so good, I just want to rub it all over my ass and dance around the lobby!
Tanner Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Xtina
4PM Rainman: Hey!
Angry cop: Fucking college kids make me sick. It's disgusting. You're the smartest most retarded people in the world!
Easton Avenue
New Brunswick, New Jersey
10AM I'm Gonna Say Courtney Love, But That's Just a Shot in the Dark
Girl caller: Hi, I want to report a woman lying facedown in the road.
Police receptionist: What does she look like?
Rosemead, California
