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1PM Monkey: Take Your Time -- He's on Medi-Cal
Bookkeeper: He has a monkey! It's a medically trained monkey. It can dial 911. What it tells them, I'm not sure...
Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: the sugar monster
4PM Prepare to Be Snubbed and Not Recognize It
Company rep: Good morning, monsieurs and madames! I thought we were all friends, but I've heard that someone here thinks I'm pretentious.
Law firm
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Megsie
10AM This Is Kansas -- You're Lucky We're Reading
Librarian: Don't use a potato chip as a bookmark!
Library
Overland Park, Kansas
Overheard by: Manager Guy
2PM Or 'That Was Lovely, Your Honor. Let's Get Some Sleep'?
Attorney: What are we supposed to say when withdrawing? "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but it seems my client has fled the country"?
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: J.C. Tabler
1PM And Eating Pimp Scout Cookies
Writer: So, if I get the new position I'll be your boss.
Designer: That's what I hear.
Writer: I could be all... pimp-slapping you if you got out of line. Or, like, assigning you all kinds of work while I'm laying on the beach drinking one percent milk.
Designer: With that raise you could be drinking whole milk!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM The Waterman 'Fountains of Wayne,' for Example, Never Disappoints
Woman: Now feel this one. Don't be afraid to show your lady customers the heftier pen. Some women like to have something with a larger diameter in their hand.
Washington, DC
12PM Get Messages
Analyst: Lehman Brothers called about the kegs order.
156 West 56th Street
New York, NY
3PM Now He Has to Spend Four Months a Year There
Editor: It occurs to me that a pomegranate was not the best choice for fruit to eat at my desk.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
3PM But When It Comes to Self-Abuse, Nothing Tops Alcohol and Baccarat
Grandma to stranger: Meth is way worse than heroin.
Granddaughter: What?
Grandma: Oh. Ummm, nothing, honey... Nevermind. Aren't we here to gamble and drink?
Caesars, Indiana
Overheard by: Fatty
5PM Or Shaped Like Giant Doorways, in Case of Earthquakes
Guy clerk: Hey, this safety pamphlet says to get into the bathtub if a tornado is coming.
Gal clerk: Well, duh, why don't they just build houses shaped like giant bathtubs?
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
5PM Dare to Dream, Buddy
Nurse: After you finish giving your sample, place it in the door in the wall and come to the lab where we'll do your pregnancy test.
Patient to man waiting with her: I'll be out in a minute.
Man to nurse, excited: There's a good chance that I'm the father!
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
5PM Chicken on a Plane Was a Disappointing Sequel
Consultant on phone: No, Sandy*, you are not allowed to take your pet chicken on the domestic flights.
Other line: [Muffled yelling.]
Consultant: Sandy, I have already told you -- even if it is in a cage, we do not allow pets in the cabin. Only guide dogs or police dogs. You will have to send it as cargo. [Other line hangs up.] Good God! Who the fuck wants to take a chicken away for summer vacation with them?!
Auckland
New Zealand
11AM So: Questions?
US sales manager in teleconference: We gotta let the elephant be the hot dog right outta the shoe.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
9AM Then You Lose Them and We Send You Another Set
Consultant guy: Yeah, we overnight the documents to you. It takes about a week for you to get them.
Garden City, New York
5PM When Excel Just Isn't Enough
Accountant: Be right back. I have to go buy an ax.
East Lancaster Avenue
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: marianoelle
12PM It's Cooler Than That, but I Don't Want You to Envy Me
Investor: Forget about it, I've got to go, because it's almost Shabbos.
Realtor: What happens when the sun goes down? Are you, like, a vampire or something?
Investor: We just chill.
Cleveland, Ohio
12PM You're Not at High Times Anymore, Toto
Managing editor, on drug screening: We even test the interns. I was shocked by that. I thought everyone just assumed they were stoned all the time.
Newspaper office
Ohio
Overheard by: I didn't get the job
1PM But I Guess My Underling Will Have to Do
Dispatcher peering into Tupperware container: I am so sick of kielbasa I could kick Jesus in the shins!
Emergency center
Pennsylvania
9AM Thumb. Thanks for Asking
Author: I don't know. Some of the edits don't really work for me. What do you think?
Editor: Well, speaking as a completely biased party, I think it's great.
Author: ... You're sure?
Editor: Absolutely, you bonehead. Can we put it to print now, or are you going to keep your thumb up your ass a while longer?
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
5PM And Clean Up after Yourselves
Flight attendant: ... And if this love plane becomes a love boat, please use your seat cushion as a flotation device.
Sacramento International Airport
California
Overheard by: Wishing I wasn't sitting next to my grandmother
1PM Luckily Everybody Drinks
Male realtor: Have you ever been to England?
Lady office manager: No, why?
Male realtor: The women there are really ugly no matter how horny you are.
Highway 19
Florida
5PM You Don't Have to Be Dead to Work Here, But It Helps
Lawyer: Did you hear about Vanessa*?
Secretary: No. What about her?
Lawyer: Yeah, poor Vanessa. She woke up dead on July 4th.
Broad Street
Louisville, Georgia
11AM Something I Would Advise Against
20-something woman to 50-something man: I am not telling you what a Dirty Sanchez is. If you're so interested just Google it!
Oak Park, Michigan
9AM ... While Janelle Gets a Towel for Her Chair
Trainer: Let's go around and have each of us tell the class some juicy, private thing about ourselves that the rest of us might not know.
Trainee: I don't want to tell anything about my juicy privates... Uh, juicy... Um... Anything private.
Trainer: ... Okay... Next?
810 3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
5PM Tell My Secretary to Fetch the Official Bucket
Executive assistant: Shit! Oh, wait, no. I take back my shit.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
3PM Cubicle Butt
Sales guy: So, Tim*, you're finished training that guy already?
Support dude: Yeah, it was going to be all day, but his bottom got sore and he had to go home.
Islington
London
3PM What Is It with These People?
Phone rep #1: What's that?! A cheeseburger without cheese?!
Phone rep #2: Yeah. It's called a hamburger.
500 North Central Expressway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: amused coworker
9AM In Fairness, the Hanger Had One of Those Foam Covers
Social worker: Honestly, what parent in their right mind hands a toddler who is just learning to walk a wire hanger as a chew toy in goodwill and thinks it's a good idea?
Medical Center
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: makin a difference
1PM Cat Burglars and Ninjas Have Ruined Blackness For Everyone
Black guy: What would you say if I said I wanted to get a Mystic Tan?
Tanning consultant: Oh, you could. It would give you a nice glow.
Black guy: You're not even going to discourage me?! I would never get a spray on tan. The blacker you are, the higher people assume your crime rate is.
North 222 Plaza
Reading, Pennsylvania
4PM I Want to See the Baby Eat the Cobra
Art director: Does anyone want to see a baby wrestle a cobra?
West Sahara Avenue
Las Vegas, Nevada
4PM I Think I'll Keep Him
Female agent on phone: You gonna have supper ready when I get home? I don't care... Fine, chicken. Fried chicken. Whatever, get your ass in the kitchen and make me some fried chicken. Just shut up and go make me some chicken, I'll be home in an hour [hangs up]. My husband is so whipped.
Evans Building
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Going Gay
4PM Pay No Attention to My Hooves
Realtor: Want a cookie?
Investor: Nah, I can't -- it's not kosher.
Realtor: Sure it is.
Investor: No, I can't. I'm Jewish. I gotta abide by the law.
Realtor: Come on, it's just one cookie.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Amused assistant
4PM You Just Need to Decide If You Want Them to Come Rescue You after One Week or Two
Insurance rep: Do you know what flood zone you're in?
Client: What are my choices?
Insurance rep: It's not really a choice, FEMA assigns them.
North Great Neck Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
3PM So That's Why People Go into Hairstyling
Stylist on phone: Oh, I gave you the wrong phone number.... So is that like a fact-smile? A fact-smile. It says here the fact-smile number is 312-555-1234*.
South Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: waiting for a haircut
4PM Rightsizing Committee
Consultant: This meeting is just too important to involve company employees.
100 East Rivercenter Boulevard
Covington, Kentucky
10AM Because I'm Not Doing That Until after We're Married
Girl: Is this gonna be one of those phone conversations where you talk to yourself for 10 minutes and I just kinda listen?
Student Union, East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
3PM Having Been Replaced As the Homo-Pretense Capital of the World, New York's Reaction 'Mixed'
Paralegal: What can I get you guys?
Consultant: Just a coffee.
Young consultant: Could I get a white mocha latte, please?
Head lawyer: Where do you think this is, LA?
Law firm, Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
11AM The Resident's Box Has Always Been Public
Resident: Patient was seen today at his home. He's still complaining that the beams from Oregon are bothering him, but he said they aren't affecting him too badly right now. In fact, he said that they don't affect men too much in general - it's really women who should be worried about the beams, especially, he said, when they're aimed at women's private boxes.
Social worker: Did you just say private boxes?
Psychiatric clinic
Tulsa, Oklahoma
10AM Should Have Just Used Duct Tape
Receptionist: ... And let me just tell you, those at-home wart freezers do not work on your poonani.
Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Glad I wore my space suit
2PM So You'd Have a Reason to Call Me, Hot Stuff
Receptionist: Hi, this is Pat*. I was calling to see if you wanted to set an appointment.
Customer on speakerphone: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: So, it looks like I set you an appointment before. What happened?
Customer on speakerphone: ... You cancelled it.
Receptionist: Hm. I wonder why.
Atlanta, Georgia
7PM I Suppose It Comes with the Position
Conference call guru: There are a few master brands out there to look to.
Co-worker #1: I'd love to be a masterbrander.
Co-worker #2: Then we could say, "Hey, what's she doing behind the desk?"
Co-worker #3: "Looks like she's masterbranding."
2010 Warsaw Road
Roswell, Georgia
1AM Don't Piss Off Jesus. Just Don't Do It.
Customer: Well, maybe I could find something at a lower price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of remodeling work.
Real-estate agent: Sir, if you're a carpenter you won't be able to afford anything in this area.
Customer: I'm a contractor and I have more money than I know what to do with. If I say I'm going to climb into your ass and renovate, that's what I'm going to do.
109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Dirtpatch
11AM No, Wait, What Am I Thinking? That's Not a State.
CSR: Yeah, Alabama is first. I can't think of any other states that start with 'A'... Mhmmm... Oh, right, Arizona. And Iowa.
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM You're Supposed to Read Them, Not Use Them As a Blanket
Retired lawyer: I'm just buried under these law documents.
Boss: Wait, are you practicing law without a license?
Retired lawyer: No, without knowledge.
2550 Q Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: C Dubz
2PM It's Just Confusing Me
Media agency lady: Yeah, I met one of your constituents last week.
Sales rep: Well, that would be Ted*, I'm guessing.
Media agency lady: No, it was some sweet young thing.
Sales rep: Oh, well, then that would be Mindy*.
Media agency lady, laughing: Yeah, it was Mindy. Mindy is a piece of work [laughs harder].
Sales rep, chuckling nervously: Wow, that makes me want to ask you so many questions!
Media agency lady, wiping tears from her eyes: Yeah, I bet it does... None of which I would answer, but the fact that you want to ask them should tell you something.
Louisville, Kentucky
10AM Okay, Now Gently Place Half of a Potato over It...
IT chick: Okay, okay, slow down... Your mouse isn't working? [Pause] Ma'am... Ma'am, pick it up off the floor.
Internet domain registrar company
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM The Only Case in New York
Somber attorney on phone: I've got some very bad news... I just got off the phone with the vet, and little Bobo's sick... He's got a case of bad attitude. That's right, a bad attitude.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: Guy Smiley
9AM When English's Ambiguities Come Home to Roost
Writer handing director a piece of peppermint bark: Be careful. It's very hard on your teeth.
Designer: It can really do some damage.
Marketing director: You guys are going about it all wrong. You have to learn to eat it like a beaver.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM And What Is Your Plan for Keeping It from Them?
Analyst: I can give you the numbers in those divisions, but you can't go public with it.
Marketing manager: I'm not going to go public with it, just present it at a meeting.
Analyst: Who's going to be at the meeting?
Marketing manager: It's a stakeholder meeting. So, whoever wants to, you know. It's open to the public.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM Microsoft's 'Lilliputian Solutions' Software Isn't for Everyone
HR hottie: I can't think right now! Between Excel and porno midgets I'm nuts!
Westchester, New York
2PM They're Both Wrong -- He's an IT Guy
Receptionist: This morning I was sitting up here and I looked out the window in the courtyard and there was a guy getting dressed.
Guy: Black guy? Construction boots? [Receptionist nods.] Yeah, he sleeps there.
Receptionist: Hmmm. I wouldn't think you'd wanna sleep in the courtyard of an office.
Guy: Well, I imagine if you're homeless that's one of the better spots.
Receptionist: Oh, I didn't realize he was homeless. I just thought he was resting or whatever...
2931 North Druid Hills Road
Atlanta, Georgia