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5PM Susan Smith: 'It Was Just a Really Late-Term Abortion'
Editor: A 35-year-old woman died, and when her family went to clean out her apartment they found three fetuses in the freezer.
Producer: Were they pre-term fetuses or post-term fetuses?
Reporter: Uh, those would be called 'babies.
Murfreesboro Road
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: lp's habit
1PM Lunch
Clerk: Why is there a wet floor sign on the carpet?
Supervisor: Sometimes I get excited.
Clerk: I miss working with you. You always know just what to say.
1201 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jessica Kalup
12PM But Since You're Standing Right Here, I Can Just Tell You in Person
Boss: Can we talk for a few minutes?
Colleague: In a minute. I need to finish writing nasty emails to staff who don't learn.
Boss: We can't write nasty emails! We have to be encouraging.
Colleague: Dear sir, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that you are a complete idiot...
Australia
4PM Billable Hours of Sweet Oblivion
Assistant: Are you leaving early?
Attorney: Yep.
Assistant: Why? It's only 3:30.
Attorney: 'Cause I like to drink.
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Staja
12PM Because Now I Have to Go See
Manager: I was walking my dog this morning when I felt a pain in a very private place, so I ran inside my house and pulled my pants down in my living room, and a fire ant had bitten me on my you-know-what!
Employee: Ouch?
Manager: It really itches. I keep going to the bathroom and pulling down my pants and looking at it and touching it, but I'm scared to put any medicine on my private place.
Employee: Oh. That is a problem.
Manager: I know. Oh, I'm itching again, I'll be right back. [Goes to the restroom.]
Employee, to coworker: I'm picturing her 50-year-old, ant-bitten vagina right now, and I want to stab myself to get that image out of my head.
Sandwich shop
South Carolina
10AM Denver Wife or New York Wife?
Assistant: Keith*, Melanie's* on the phone.
Keith: Who is that?
Assistant: Your wife.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
5PM Maybe We Should Have Drilled This First
Coworker over intercom: It's been brought to our attention that there is a downed power line in the courtyard. Please avoid it when walking between buildings. [Five minutes later] An addendum to the last message: Please avoid walking between buildings if possible. [Five minutes more, fire alarm going off] Okay everyone, we're going to evacuate Building One*. Everyone please calmly make your way to Building Two*.
Boss screaming in background: No, no! The other door! Not that way!
5600 Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Someone in the other building...
4PM Britney: Do Whatever He Says!
Male boss: I will go K-Fed on your ass.
Male employee: What?
Male boss: Don't make me make you pregnant.
Orlando, Florida
10AM Meeting at NewKink Development Corporation
Manager: So, can we finally take his picture off the home page?
Developer: What's the matter? Do you have something against nipples?
Manager: I don't even like the word 'nipples.' 'Butter,' that's another word I don't like.
Developer: You should meet a friend of mine. She doesn't like the word 'goggles'.
Centre St
New York
11AM You Should Come This Sunday
Boss: Call it 'team environment,' because I don't like the word 'culture.' It reminds me of that other word. You know, what they call my church...?
Office manager: [Stares in silence.]
Boss: Cult! They call it a cult.
Manitoba
Canadia
2PM It's Their Wellness Program
General manager: Feeling better today?
Waitress, laughing: Oh, yes!
General manager: Why are you laughing?
Waitress: Oh, it's nothing.
General manager: No, tell me!
Waitress: I can't!
General manager: Is it girl stuff?
Waitress: No.
General manager: Well, then tell me!
Waitress: Ok. I'm feeling better because I got really fucking stoned last night.
General manager: Dopehead.
Beaumont, Texas
1PM Lunch
Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?...I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It's not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn't! I would know if it's in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I'm positive! I know it's not...Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it...?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass...go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don't I?
Secretary: Yep. And don't even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: mshorty
2PM Or Defrost a Poodle
Coworker: Oooh, look at that microwave. It's all '50s and industrial and stuff.
Boss: Yeah, look how big it is. You could cook a whole baby in there!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Glad I'm not her baby
4PM It Won't Be Long before We're Best Evil-Whores
Office girl with flower arrangement: Look! Look what I got!
Office manager: Wow! Where did you get those from?
Office girl: The girls that helped me chair the dinner. Oh! Look, [gushing as she reads the card], 'From two bitches to the biggest bitch we know!' Oh! How sweet!
Office manager: That is just so sweet of them!
Girl and manager, together: Awww!
Hanford, California
Overheard by: not one of her bitches
9AM Sure, Get Me a Crowbar
Graphics guy: What format are these files?
Boss: They're from the guy next door.
Graphics guy: Okay, but what kind of files are these supposed to be? There's no extensions so I can't open them in anything unless I rename them all and just guess the extension until I get it right.
Boss: Can you open them and check?
2245 Royal Windsor Drive
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Bob
5PM Everyone Was Relieved When Emo the Magnificent Finally Checked Out
Professor: It smells like fall, doesn't it?
Student: It smells like depressing cold and the inevitable onset of winter.
Brandeis University
Waltham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I didn't smell anything
4PM It's an Executive Privilege
Boss: I think it's time for a sodey!
Coworker: What, like, mix it yourself?
Boss: Yup! I'm going to jerk it right here at my desk!
Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: talking-to-hr-about-moving-my-desk
5PM If You Unfocus Your Eyes Just Right, You Can See One of Those 'Magic' Pictures
Worker: Bob's balls are hanging out of his shorts.
Manager: Yeah, he's got real hangers.
Worker: You should tell him.
Manager: I like it. No one else can see it, and it's his lunch break. Besides, you've been looking at his scrotum for the last ten minutes.
Balboa Park
San Diego, California
Overheard by: fellow worker sitting nearby
12PM Just Look at These Blisters!
Director of tech support, in heavy French accent: Busy week, yes. I have had to beat off many clients.
Tech dude: Wait, what?
Director: Oh, yeah. At least 30.
Tech support conference call
California
10AM Always Best to Counter Intolerance with Immaturity
Manager: Your boyfriend looks like a terrorist.
Peon, farting: My butthole is the terrorist in this office.
12th Street NW
Washington, DC
3PM If You've Got a 'Brazilian,' You Can Lose the Pants Entirely
Manager: Jen*, what happened to dress code?
Jen: I just rolled my pants up. I was hot.
Manager: Did you shave your legs?
Jen: Yes.
Manager: Then it's okay.
3 Kent Road
New Milford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Nik
12PM She Must Be Lonely Among Her Kind
Supervisor to employee: I'm sorry. I don't speak retard.
588 N. Gulph Gulph Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Poor Guy
12PM ...There Is Prune Juice in Dr. Pepper
Boss: In my opinion, which is 100% correct...
Prague
Czech Republic
1PM You Always Manage to Live Down to My Expectations
Boss: You know, every day it gets harder and harder to underestimate you.
Innovation Drive
Wauwatosa, Wisconsin
1PM I Didn't Go to MIT to Under-engineer Things
Boss: So, how can we cut our costs?
Engineer #1: We could add cheap filler to the plastic.
Engineer #2: But that would reduce the strength.
Engineer #1: Okay, so it wouldn't work for a space station, but it will work on a bucket.
2100 Adelbert Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Just passing through
12PM Department Meeting?
Manager: It's just our department in this meeting, [the other department] isn't coming.
Supervisor: How do you know?
Manager: I went to [Brenda] and asked where her meeting is, and she said she doesn't have a meeting.
Employee: So if this is our meeting, where are we supposed to be?
Supervisor: I reserved the conference room for my meeting, but the door is closed. Is this my meeting?
Manager: I think so. It's nobody else's.
Supervisor: So then, where are we going?
535 Routes 6 & 209
Milford, Pennsyvlania
11AM The Decision was Unianimous
Manager: I just want to make sure we're all in agreeance.
110 E. Clayton Street
Athens, Georgia
1PM You Make an Excellent Point
Old, constantly inappropriate boss: I'm gonna bust your ass, girl.
Young girl employee: You'll do no such thing.
Old, constantly inappropriate boss: Oh, yeah? Why's that?
Young girl employee: Because I'd karate chop you in the jugular.
14th Street and 3rd Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Still can't believe I work here
11AM ... And Send It to Somebody Else?
Employee: I just sent you that email with the summary of all the outstanding issues on the project.
Boss: Thanks. Could you write a summary of that email?
111 3rd Avenue S
Minneapolis, Minnesota
12PM You Mean Its Public Face or Its Seamy Underbelly?
Coworker: There is a really neat installation art center in Omaha.
Boss: What city in Omaha?
Coworker: Uh... Omaha.
Boss: Right, but what city?
Coworker: [Long pause] Hard to say.
Woodhaven, New York
10AM The Awful Cost of Gays in the Military
Boss storming through office: Fuck those idiots! They couldn't sell pussy to a troop train!
New girl: What about a train? [Long pause] And did he just say 'pussy'?
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: On the laugh train...
1PM Enlighten Me about the Vietnamese While I Jot Down Notes
Newbie: Are you Chinese or Japanese?
Korean working the register: What?! Japanese are rich, ignorant fools, and Chinese are murderous barbarians. I am Korean!
Newbie: Oh. I never knew that...
Korean deli, 1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
3PM How She Amuses Herself While Her Patients Are Under Anesthesia
Nurse to aide: You have a picture of a dick on your phone and you don't know who's it is?
Wayne Woodlands Manor, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: queen eileen
1PM Fun for Us, Hostile Work Environment for Her
Laughing boss: Look, you guys, you can't be talking about anal sex -- we've had some complaints.
Server #1, laughing: I knew it! I knew she would tell on us. I told you Deb* was out to get us!
Server #2: Sooo, just when she's not around, or at all?
Laughing boss: I can't believe I have to say this...
Dining room, upscale retirement center
Bloomington, Illinois
11AM And We'll Have the Scars to Prove It
Sales person: Hmmm... Are you doing the billing today since Sherry* is out?
Trainee: I'm going to try.
Sales person: Well, don't mess up my billing or I'll kick your ass.
Trainee: Promise?
Sales person: Oh, yes.
Trainee: My pain is your pleasure.
Sales person: You and I will get along fine.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM The Politically Correct Term Now Is 'Biscuits'
Health clinic employee: That woman is one kooky cracker!
Manager: I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: But you and Dr. Horowitz* call patients 'crazy' all the time. What's the difference between 'kooky' and 'crazy'?
Manager: I just don't want you to call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: It's still alright to call them 'crackers' though, right?
104 Market Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
9AM MacGyver: After Hours
Supervisor: Well, if that's the case, all I need is a panda, a gun, and a bottle of wine.
Naperville, Illinois
3PM ... And Could You Say That Again, into This Recorder?
CFO: Well, don't you look dolled up today! What is the occasion?
Payroll: It's the first day of my sexual harassment litigation...
Kirkland, Washington
Overheard by: oops
3PM Expense Report
Employee: I've never traveled for work before. Is there a per diem, or...?
Boss: Well, there's an allowance of ten dollars a day for breakfast, fifteen dollars a day for lunch, and twenty-five dollars a day for dinner. So, fifty dollars a day. But save all your receipts, you have to turn all of them in to get credit for what you spend.
Employee: So if I ate a banana for breakfast and a banana for lunch...could I go to a Braves game at night?
Boss: [squinting] Uh...
Employee: Okay, how about this: a banana for breakfast, a banana for lunch, and prostitutes in the hotel room?
Boss: You know, why don't you go to a Braves game?
Employee: That sounds great, thank you!
12920 SE 38th Street
Bellevue, Washington
4PM Call [Kwok]
Supervisor: Don't forget to call [Kwok]. He's got a couple of huge boxes and I think they're computers.
Admin: Which one is [Kwok]?
Supervisor: The short Asian guy.
Admin on phone: Hi [Kwok], it's [Jane]. I just wanted to let you know you have a huge package.
470 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Well, Forewarned Is Forearmed. Oh, Sorry.
Lawyer to secretary: Now, you treat my sex offender nicely. He'll be here with his one-armed wife later.
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Alex
5PM This Is How She Ends Every Conversation
Jewish boss: By the time we're done, we will convert you.
Catholic assistant: Ummm, Jesus is the Messiah. Goodbye.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: intern
12AM That Drier Being the British Wit
Project Manager: He said this, and we thought he meant that, and he thought we were doing this, and they thought we were doing that, and they didn't tell us they wanted that so we did this...and it all got lost in the...in the...in the big washing machine of communication.
Developer: Or possibly the tumble drier of tautology.
1-4 Warple Way
Acton, London
11AM But I Just Got You a Princess Dress, Raoul
Grunt: Man, this consultant is absurdly high maintenance. I swear, the woman's going to ask for a pony next!
Boss: Just get her what she wants. We need her on-board.
Grunt: Well, if she gets a pony, I want one, too.
Washington, DC
9AM ... For Less Than $2.99 a Minute
Boss on phone: Hi! I just wanted to call and see if you were all sparkly from all that fairy dust I sprinkled on you. You are? That's so hot!
Underling: I should so not be hearing this.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
12PM Well, You'll Have Lots of Time to Practice, Because You're Fired
Supervisor: Did someone order colored pencils from the office supply place?
Assistant: I'm thinking of becoming a caricaturist.
330 Madison Ave
New York City
12PM Because Their Secretary Told Me They're Missing Page 47 over There
Boss: I've got part of the Kama Sutra on my wall.
Employee: Do we need to talk to H.R.?
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
9AM Natural Selection Fires Off a Warning Shot
Manager: Ow, shit shit fuck shit.
Peon: What's wrong?
Manager: I accidentally ironed my arm this morning, and now it hurts every time I touch anything with it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Cube Farm Worker #5823457
2PM Friday Afternoons Quickly Degenerate into Hide-and-Seek
Assistant: What are you up to?
Boss, gleefully: I'm fucking about!
Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
10AM The Only Way He Can Be Watched
Busser: I'm working for Bob* tonight.
Manager #1: You smell like pot, man. You're not working.
Manager #2: It's three in the afternoon. What time did you get high?
Busser: When's Maury on?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
1PM All I Said Was "Hi"
Intern: My uterus is dry-heaving.
Supervisor: Wow.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
1PM Okay, How Real a Meeting Is It?
Boss: I want Joan* helicoptered into this afternoon's meeting.
Peon: But Joan works in this building. She could just walk.
Boss: I wasn't being literal -- it's a metaphysical helicopter.
Aberdeen
Scotland
Overheard by: metaphysical, my arse
3PM 'Bobby Brown'
Boss to newbie: Yay! So, tomorrow's Casual Friday, so you don't have to wear a tie. I usually wear shorts. You know, you can get away with a lot of casual clothing, but a certain dress code does still apply. You've got to wear a shirt... Although, so far no one has tried a wife beater. Hey, that'd be a way for you to make a name for yourself!
Glastonbury Boulevard
Glastonbury, Connecticut
12PM Order 10 More "Gigabytes" (?)
Boss: Do you know where the gigabytes are? I need some more for my computer.
Employee #1: What are you talking about?
Boss: Are they in the closet?
He goes looking in the closet for about five minutes.
Boss: Seriously, do you know where more gigabytes are?
Employee #2: Maybe they're in your pants.
N59W14909 Bobolink Avenue
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: LeeAnn Michaud
12PM He's Cheech and Chong's Pete Best
Assistant manager: Where the hell did you go? I came up front, and a bunch of girls were dragging you out of the store.
Coworker, chuckling: They needed me to show them how to roll a joint.
Assistant manager: I didn't hear that [walks away].
291 Highway
Liberty, Missouri
9AM But a 99% Chance It Will Be Stupid
Director: For your baby shower, are people buying pink or blue?
VP: Blue. Doctor says there's a 50% chance it will be a boy.
San Fernando Boulevard
San Jose, California
3PM That Requires Dinner, a Certain Charm, and All the Steps on This Process Map
Managing director handing envelope to secretary: Do you have a wet thing?
17 State Street
New York, New York
1PM So the Third Installment Will Be Terrible?
Boss lady: I think Rick* was talking to people in our aisle for a record 52 minutes. He's finally gone.
Assistant: Don't worry. He'll be back. Like herpes and the Terminator.
Wausau, Wisconsin
12PM Many Bosses Communicate Only by Email
Boss interrupting employees: What's going on?
Girl employee in middle of conversation: Are you circumcised? [Boss turns and leaves, shaking his head.]
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Amazed Colleague
5PM As I Am
Broker to real estate agent in training: When you're doing an open house you have to talk to everybody, no matter how poor they look. You know, no matter how black they are... if you're racist.
Huntington, New York
11AM Bossie and I Are Just Friends
Male graphic designer: This looks like a uterus, but it's supposed to be a cow. Can we use it?
Female boss: You don't have a girlfriend, do you?
Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: Mary
4PM This Is Actually a Great Segue to Your Firing
Manager: At this point we're only hiring servers who I know will do a really great job.
Waitress #1, with a wink: That's why I was hired, right? 'Cause you knew I'd do an awesome job?
Manager: Yes.
Waitress #2: I think I was hired because the regional manager liked me.
Manager: No, you were hired because the restaurant had just opened and we would have hired anybody.
Peppers Ferry Road
Christiansburg, Virginia
10AM But the First Step Is Not Admitting You Have a Problem
Staffer: I just left Publix and my cashier's name was Kartoon.
HR manager: Oh, yeah! My wife was telling me about her. Do you think her parents meant to name her 'Khartoum,' after the country in Africa?
Staffer: I don't know. Maybe it's just a popular name from her parents' native country.
HR manager: Oh, you mean she's not black?
Staffer: What? No, she's Asian.
HR manager: Oh. Was I stereotyping just now?
Staffer: Ummm, yeah, a little bit... You are so in the right profession.
Office
Hilton Head, South Carolina
9AM But This Is a Four-Person Office!
Boss: Don't do that. Make Suzanne* do that.
Assistant: Why?
Boss: Because Suzanne is a cunt and we hate her.
Assistant: I like her. Erin* likes her.
Boss: We don't really like you two, either.
Goshen Turnpike
Bloomingburg, New York
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
2PM How to Get Fired in Albuquerque
Boss: I can't get this damn phone to work.
Coworker: It helps if you're just a little bit smarter than the technology.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
11AM No, Nothing Work-Related
Manager #1: Shit! I can't remember what I wanted to ask Al*...
Manager #2: If he's gay? If he's doing coke?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM I Didn't Know That
Manager: You've already lied to me twice tonight!
Waiter, louder: But I didn't know you knew I was lying!
Haynes Bridge Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
10AM Sorry, Just Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Senior biologist: Don't have them call me with any technical questions. Have them call Jack* in Municipal.
Redneck engineer: Ya ever tie two cats together by the tail and throw them over a clothesline?
Senior biologist: What?!
Engineering Firm
New Cumberland, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: intern liberal biologist
9AM I'm a Harvard MBA, for Christ's Sake
General manager: I've got a small favor to ask you...
Sales guy: I am not getting in a chicken suit and dancing on the roof again!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Stayin' until 5...
10AM Here You Go. I'm Going to Launch Now, Okay?
Assistant: I made the reservations for you. Give me a minute and I'll get you the ballistics.
Boss: Ballistics?
Assistant: Yeah, the ballistics -- your flight arrangements and your hotel confirmation. You know, the ballistics!
39th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I can't believe I hired her
3PM Scientists Vow to Get to Bottom of IT / B.O. Link
IT guy: Hey, can I convince one of you to go get me and my friends a coffee?
Production manager: What friends? All I see is you.
IT guy: My friends. Y'know, the people I hang with.
Production manager: No one hangs with you.
Production assistant: Yeah, you smell bad.
Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
4PM And Susan Was Maimed. Isn't That Great?
Boss: I wouldn't even be able to kill myself right today. I'd screw it up.
Employee: If it makes you feel better I knocked myself unconscious this weekend.
Boss: Yeah, actually, it does.
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
10AM Pricing Review
Underling: What do you think about the new price increase?
Team leader: I think; that's all I know.
1070 Technology Drive
Venice, Florida
11AM Conference Assignments
Department Head: You don't get to choose what the conference is on, there is a pre-set list and they will be allocated around the team.
Co-worker: In that case I think I'll run a conference on Pathfinders.
Websters Ropery
Ropery Road, Sunderland
UK
Overheard by: Jennifer Stevenson
3PM At the Water Cooler
Peon #1: Those Jordanians are really teed off.
Peon #2: Is that even a word?
9115 Harris Corners Parkway
Charlotte, North Carolina
Boss: Did you hear about the terrorist attacks in Jordan?
Secretary: Um, yes; a suicide bomber killed hundreds of people at a wedding.
Boss: You see, you shouldn't attend so many weddings. The odds are against you.
10550 North Torrey Pines Road
La Jolla, California
7AM I Can Hear the Awkward Silence from Here
Worker: [Jeff] didn't come in because he has pneumonia. We went to the hospital yesterday.
Manager: Ever since you and [Jeff] started dating he's begun falling apart. Now he's got pneumonia. That's what drugs will do to you; lower your immune system.
Worker: That couldn't have been it...It's been 2 weeks since we've taken ecstacy.
7350 S. Tamiami Trail
Sarasota, Florida
12PM Everyone, This Is Amber
Manager to room of trainees for upcoming audit: Today's training has been cancelled, because I have something better to do.
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: Elementary Geek
10AM And They Need Hard Numbers
Manager: I just want to know -- what is the penetration of 12 to 17-year-old girls?
Analyst: I'm not sure we want to show that...
Manager: They need to know how many 12 to 17-year-olds have been penetrated!
28 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM And That's When I Remembered the Nipple Piercings
Employee: I would really like to apologize for running late this morning. It won't happen again.
Boss: Could you please turn your shirt right-side out?
350 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Susan
2PM Mind If I Watch You Work?
Manager: Hey, you got a sec?
Developer: What's up?
Manager: I'm trying to figure out how much to charge the client for that new feature. How hard would it be for you to add it?
Developer, smirking: I can do it in 10 minutes... with my dick.
Manager: Sooo... about five hundred bucks then.
543 Richmond Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: laughing new guy
2PM But the Day Is Young
Female supervisor: Hey, Stan*, you got a stiffy today?
Office worker with pained expression: Uh... I've just got a sore neck.
Hemel Hempstead
UK
10AM Post Job Listing
Secretary: I can write memos like it's my job.
Boss: That is your job.
100 East Rivercenter Boulevard
Covington, Kentucky
11AM Can You Still Get a Refund on That Empathy Class?
Coworker after three-day absence: Oh my god! It's so stressful! My three-year-old has a double ear infection and pneumonia! I haven't slept in days!
Boss: Oh, I know! Tell me about it! My cat has colitis!
West Fayette Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Sure that's almost the same thing...
1PM It's Really More about Whether You Bring in Good Snacks
Supervisor: Why do you want to do this?
Mid-level worker: Because no one else is, and it needs to be done.
Supervisor: No one cares how hard you work! This isn't that kind of place!
State government building
Connecticut
11AM You Know, Killing All Those Spades
Boss, holding meeting: So, you want to handle this thing?
Female employee: No.
Boss: What's the matter? You can't handle Harlem at night?
Female employee: No.
Boss: Faggot.
Queer employee: I'm surprised you used that word.
Boss: What? 'Faggot'?
Queer employee: Yes.
Boss: Obviously I don't think she's gay. I said 'faggot' in the sense of, you know, a sissy. No guts.
Drama queen employee: Besides, you faggots call each other 'faggot' all the time. I know you do.
Queer employee: I guess.
Boss: Glad we settled that. [To female employee] Now... I expect you to take your sissy ass to Harlem and take care of this thing.
Law firm
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
1PM ... That Your Coffee Was Poisoned
Boss, during staff meeting: Does anyone have anything to add?
Coworker: Yeah, I just wanted to say that--
Boss: --Man, this coffee tastes weird! [Shrugs and continues drinking.]
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
5PM Has She Tried the Front Wipers?
Manager: Where's Patti*?
Worker: Her husband is having that cadillac surgery. She won't be in until later.
Manager: Cadillac surgery?
Worker: You know -- when they take the globs off of your eyes so you can see?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: admin in charge
2PM Dog: Sweetie, All You Have to Do Is Say 'Please'
Chairman: It will be easy, like pulling a greasy stick out a dog's arse.
Employee: That's all well and good, but we have to get the greasy stick in there first!
Barrow-in-Furness
Cumbria, England
1PM Lunch
Manager: New haircolor, huh? Did you fall into a bucket of paint?
Employee: New belt, huh? Did you fall into a buffet?
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM Inventory
Employee: Hey, I have an open hour today. Is there anything you need?
Supervisor #1: Um, yeah. One of the ceiling tiles broke, and they don't make that type anymore, and in order to get an estimate redoing all the ceiling tiles, I need you to go around and count them.
Supervisor #2: Yeah...but in the corners: you know how they aren't full tiles? You need to measure them and figure out what percentage of a full tile it is. You know, so we can get an accurate assessment.
30 minutes go by.
Supervisor #1: Are you seriously counting all of those tiles?
Employee: Yeah, why? Oh, man. Fuck you guys.
11161 Mill Valley Road
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Bronxie
9AM A Recent Graduate of Turnip Truck University
Employee: I'd like to work the booth. I could be good at that. I'd like to travel, and go to trade shows.
Manager: You'd have to educate yourself so you can speak to clients about what we do here. You'd also have to work some weekends.
Employee: Do I get paid?
Manager: You get travel for free - meals, hotel, airfare.
Employee: Wow.
Manager: And of course your regular paycheck.
Employee: Is this scheme widely known in the company??
Rochelle Park
New Jersey
9AM Figure Out How to Order Lunch and You're Looking at the Vice Presidency
Manager: Wow! I guess if we don't have a receptionist, we don't get any coffee.
Peon: I could make some if you want...
Manager: Really? You know how to do that?
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: I can cook too
3PM And Sleepy and Grateful?
Assistant: Wait, it doesn't look like the data was deleted when you opened the program.
Boss: What? I thought it was supposed to suck 'em off!
Assistant: What?
Boss: Suck 'em off! Suck 'em off until they're empty!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Working on my resume
3PM Home of the Box Lunch
CSR girl: The Gold Gentleman's Club... That's where girls strip, right?
Sleazy manager: Yeah, they got real pretty girls there, but they don't dance long enough! You give them a 20, and they look at you like, 'What have you done for me lately?'
Quiet guy: They've got really good food there on Fridays.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Office Peon
5PM Avast, Ye Lubber!
Lieutenant: You work for a law enforcement agency, not a pirate ship!
Employee with sideburns: Sir?
Columbus Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM When Your Job Is Over Hard
Waitress: Can I ask you something? This customer wants two eggs. But he wants them fried. Do we even do that here?
Manager: Um, yes. Actually most eggs are fried. There's over easy, sunny side up, over hard...
Waitress: Oh, really? OK. Whatever.
30th & Walnut Streets
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Just having oatmeal
3PM Scientific Inquiry
Sergeant: But seriously, what would happen if the sun turned off?
Soldier: Well, you'd still have like, millions of years while the thing cooled off.
Sergeant: Naw, f*** that, like what if God threw a circuit breaker?
Lieutenant walks in
Soldier: Hey LT, you ran a nuclear plant before you came in the service, right? What would happen if someone popped the circuit breaker on the sun right now?
Lieutenant has a pained expression on his face.
Sergeant: Seriously, we're not gonna let this go until we have an answer from a reputable source.
Soldier: We could go on like this for the rest of the deployment.
Lieutenant: Alright guys, it's like this...
[...2 hours of nuclear physics, relative theory, thermal conductivity of the Earth's
mantle and crust, and every crackpot theory to counter the former three...]
Soldier:...man, I'm never asking LT another question, ever.
Lieutenant: Good, 'cause I wasn't gonna answer it anyway.
Mozul Airfield
Iraq
Overheard by: Bobby
11AM Ozzy Osbourne: Of All the Things I've Lost, I Miss My Schlong the Most
Front desk girl: What was that thing in the Lost Objects box?
Manager: A penis. Huge one.
Front desk girl: The maid found it in a room?
Manager: In the fridge.
Hotel
Montréal
Canadia
Overheard by: Grossed Out Customer
9AM But Here's One for the Record Books...
Boss: I smell fart.
Male coworker: Yeah, I smell fart.
Female coworker: It smells like fart.
Male coworker: Did you fart?
Boss: Did you fart?
Female coworker: No. I would fart but that one wasn't mine.
8531 Olive Blvd
St Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: The Girl
1PM You Say That Every Time
Manager: Well, you must have felt the body when you ran over it.
Employee with foreign accent: I did not feel it.
Manager: You didn't feel a thump?
Employee with foreign accent: I thought I was dragging a trash bag.
Harborside Drive
East Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Addababy Itsaboy
3PM Keep Up the Sub-Par Work
General manager: That's what I like about you -- you're a reliable disappointment.
Environmental, Safety, and Industrial Hygiene coordinator: Thanks!
450 Sukhumvit Road
Rayong
Thailand
Overheard by: Rick campion
3PM That Means It's Working
Manager: Just put it in your mouth and suck on it.
Associate: But I don't want to get sick... What will happen? [Long, awkward pause] It's burning my tongue.
East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Champagnegurl
12PM Which One You'd Be Friends with Says a Lot about Who You Are
Big boss at farewell party for employee: I stopped drinking soda a long time ago because I want to stop consuming all those fake sugars.
Young employee: I stopped buying soda along time ago, too, so I can have more money for alcohol.
Broadway and Wall Street
New York, New York
10AM America's Secret Weapon in the Global Marketplace
Tech: Are you planning on pressure washing the entire space?
Boss: Yeah, baby!
Tech: That's gonna take you a week! You coming in this weekend or something?
Boss: Yeah... But I'm gonna be high.
6th Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Tomcat
4PM Now Get Me Some Sandy Taupe Coffee
New hire looking at spreadsheet: So, the blue fields are--
Supervisor, interrupting: --Blue? That's not blue, it's cyan. Are you colorblind?
430 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Roy G. Biv
2PM Color Correction Session
Department Head: So, can we update your job description tomorrow morning?
Employee: No, I have a color correction session to attend.
Department Head: Well, I notice you don't take lunch. You're usually at your desk. What about then?
Employee: I do take lunch. I just eat at my desk and read a book or something.
Department Head: Well, how about doing something more productive with that time? Do you want to meet then?
Employee: No.
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM Gold and Sparkly? Really?
Boss: Ah, you're wearing a tie-dyed shirt.
Office girl: Isn't it nice?
Boss: Yeah. Hey, doesn't that circle remind you of Jake's* asshole?
Office girl: Wait, what?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM The Law Requires You to Accommodate My Missing Tentacle
Manager to clumsy coworker: You're about as graceful as a seven-legged octopus with a muscle spasm!
Fast food joint
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: Dubird
12PM He's Been Coming in a Lot More Since He Got Fired
Suit: When Barry* is out, who should get this report?
Boss: Give it to Barry -- he's in.
Suit: When I asked Susan* I thought she said he wasn't working today.
Boss: She's absolutely right. But he is here today.
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
12PM Send Out Press Release
Boss: So see if you can find these people's email addresses.
Intern: ...You want me to find Desmond Tutu's email address?
Boss: Try Google if you get stumped.
2130 H Street NW
Washington, DC
5PM Isn't That a Felony in Most States?
Boss: Wait, I have a question: they're fucking retarded!
Underling: That's actually not a question...
Boss: Whatever, they're still fucking retards.
13546 Rockland Road
Lake Bluff, Illinois
Overheard by: Victa G
5PM Must... Not... Fire... Best Employee...
Boss: Why does your 'Help' work?
Employee: Because I installed it and set it up correctly.
Boss: Why doesn't Greg's* 'Help' work, then?
Employee: Do you want me to go in there and help him wipe, too?
4500 Research Way
Corvallis, Oregon
9AM Um, She's Thirty-Five.
CEO: Oh, that's the guy with the gaggle of kids, right? The ugly ones.
Project coordinator: They're not all ugly! The little one, Erica*, is cute!
CEO: She just hasn't grown into her ugly yet.
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
1PM And Is a Dog's Mouth Really Cleaner Than a Person's?
Big boss, after company-wide sales meeting: Are there any questions?
Employee #1: Yeah -- how come all of a sudden the soda machine only gives back one quarter from a dollar?
Big boss: How much?
Employee #1: Just one quarter.
Big boss: Did it used to give more?
Employee #1: Yes, I used to get two back.
Employee #2: Soda is 75 cents.
Employee #1: I've been here for 13 years and it's been the same -- I always get two quarters back.
Employee #2: I've been here for two years and it's been 75 cents for at least that long. Maybe the machine was broken.
Employee #1: No, it wasn't broken!
Big boss: You have to stop now.
233 Spring Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: get me out of here
10AM I Will Never Forget Our Little Chat
Manager: So, my wife had to give me an enema this weekend. I thought I was going to die.
New girl: Are you serious?
Manager: Yes. I am always serious.
Christina Street
Sarnia, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Leoness
1PM It'll Take More Than That to Get in the Club
Manager: Yeah, my uncle owns a car lot -- he's a Jew.
Worker: Oh, your uncle is Jewish?
Manager: No, he just rips people off.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: She did not just say that!
12PM I Can't Compete with That!
Boss: No, trust me. The last thing you want to do is bring your spouse on a company Las Vegas trip. You'll be divorced by the time you get home.
Salesman: Oh, really?
Boss: You know, because of all the drugs... and hookers.
Salesman: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
9633 South 48th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
4PM You Were Voted Least-Valuable Player
Boss, setting down ancient computing equipment: I don't know what's going to happen when I turn this on. Hopefully it won't catch on fire...
Minion: Then why is it on my desk?
Tyco Road
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Hiding behind the bookshelves
12PM And I'll Say, 'Harder, Slave'
Employee: It seems like there are a lot of new people working here.
Boss: Yes, sometimes I'll be leaving the building and will say to someone, "I don't know you," and they will say, "I work for you."
Elevator, 215 Michigan
Chicago, Illinois
5PM You'll Find That I'm Strict, but Fair
Office worker: Hey, do you have a yard stick?
Supervisor: No, but I have a riding crop.
Human Services Building, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
10AM White People and Their Imaginary Problems
Intern: I need to get some sun... so I can get laid. I mean, cancer or celibacy?
Office manager: Cancer!
212 3rd Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Sad, but True
9AM It's Only a Paradox If You Intend to Do Any of That
Boss: So, the word from corporate is that we're supposed to hang these on the windows as part of the new plan from Marketing?
Marketing assistant: Yeah.
Boss: But corporate service requirements say we're not ever allowed to hang anything on any windows.
Marketing assistant: Right. Essentially, we have to figure out a way to put them on the windows without actually putting them on the windows.
Boss: Awesome.
West Creek Drive
Richmond, Virginia
1PM And the Importance of Personal Protective Equipment
Boss: I'm not the one who brought up fucking a goat.
Minion: I was explaining the hazards of his job.
Bend, Oregon
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant: Are you going to be in next week?
VP: Yes, unless al-Qaeda does something.
1120 20th Street NW
Washington, DC
4PM He Said I Was Cold and Unfeeling, And Made Abrupt Transitions
Boss: Sorry about being slow with the orders this summer. I was depressed and almost left my husband. Moving on, I have now ordered some new backpacks for us to sell.
North Washington
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Becky
5PM The Shareholders Are Rolling Over and Falling Asleep
President of the board: Okay, what else do we have to go over? Are we finished here?
Boss: Yes, I think we've shot our wad.
Washington, DC
12PM Nothing but the Finest Flowers and Candy for My Girls
Chicken farmer introducing new business partner to bank teller: This is Jose*. I teach him to love my chickens.
808 South Main Street
Elkton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
5PM In the Crisper, behind the Lettuce
Female boss: We need to add more scrotum!
Male designer: ... Are you serious?
Female boss: Yeah, apparently we're missing a few.
Male designer: Got it. Where's the scrotum?
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: The Other Designer
9AM Back to Work
Older dude: You know, you shouldn't bite your nails.
Executive assistant: You shouldn't be a drunk.
45 West Portal Avenue
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Jerkey
10AM Ad Committee
Marketing Manager: I can start working on that flyer you need as soon as you give me the copy.
Sales Manager: Copy of what?
1111 Old Eagle School Road
Wayne, Pennsyvania
1PM They Were Both Rash Acts
Employee: That astronaut chick had to be totally nuts to put on a diaper and drive 13 hours to whack that other woman.
Boss: Well, astronauts do have to wear diapers in space. She probably had some around the house.
Employee: Oh? So it's part of her culture.
Boss, laughing: When the cops finally caught her, she calmly said, 'This was a bad idea.'
Employee: The gun or the diapers?
7 West 29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fabio
9AM You Mean Your Dog Jumped Off a Cliff?
CEO at company-wide meeting: You have to understand -- we are a relatively young company, and we are in Helen Keller mode right now.
13500 Heritage Parkway
Fort Worth, Texas
3PM Or I'll Go All Yahoo on Your Ass
Supervisor: Did you find it yet?
Intern, looking on Internet: No, I'm still looking.
Supervisor: Did you Google it?
Intern: Yeah, couldn't find it.
Supervisor, yelling: Well, then Google harder!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Rumpleforeskin
12PM "Fortunately, I managed to rightsize the baby in time."
Supervisor: Trust me. I'll take care of it.
Employee: The last time I heard that line I ended up pregnant.
631 Dickinson Avenue
Greenville, North Carolina
12PM There's Your Cue! Fling Feces At Him
Elderly Boss: I need you to plug in this lamp for me.
Employee: Are you asking me to crawl [under your desk]?
Elderly Boss: You're the only one who can. You're my monkey.
703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas
1PM I Just Wouldn't Eat It Afterwards
Boss: I thought you were a vegetarian.
Employee: That doesn't mean I wouldn't kick a possum!
1550 Timothy Road
Athens, Georgia
Overheard by: Travis Roberts
9AM Plausible Deniability
Attorney: I need a [investi]gator for a hand job.
Staff: Ha, ha! You mean a 'hand delivery'?
South Jefferson Avenue
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Left Lobe
2PM In Practice, the Principle of Universal Brotherhood Causes Nothing but Confusion
Supervisor: So you and your brother have different fathers, then?
Worker: Yeah.
Supervisor: So you guys are related through your mom.
Worker: Naw, not really.
Supervisor: Wait, so how are you guys related, then?
Worker: I dunno. We're just brothers.
3901 Via Oro Avenue
Long Beach, California
Overheard by: bored on first day of work
2PM But Here at Mengele Inc. That's Okay
Manager: You know butadiene is a reproductive toxin, right?
Peon: A what?
Manager: Reproductive toxin -- it causes sterility.
Peon: Okay... You know, maybe we should sterilize that town... Wait, was that out loud?
Manager, laughing: Yeah.
Houston, Texas
4PM Order Supplies
Manager: Does anyone have a vanilla folder?
Underling: A what?
Manager: A vanilla folder?
Underling: A what?
Manager: A vuh-nil-uh folder!
Underling: Sorry, I only have chocolate.
508 Carroll Street
Fort Worth, Texas
10PM What Health Care Crisis?
Employee: How long do I have to work here before I receive health
insurance?
Boss: Oh...Um...We don't do that here. I know some hospitals that
won't report you to the credit bureaus, though.
1101 Robin Hill Lane
Bel Air, Maryland
4PM And I Was Feeling So Good about the Toilet Training
Production manager: As the wrestler Mr. Perfect used to say, 'It ain't easy being perfect, but somebody's gotta do it!'
Sales guy: Hey, you've got coffee on your shirt.
Production manager, crestfallen: Oh... I guess I'm not perfect, after all...
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
12PM In Fact, You Have to Be
Boss: You make too many mistakes! You're not very consistent at your work.
Cube dweller: Well, you can't be consistent all the time!
Liverpool
England
12PM But It's the Tasseled Loafers You Really Have to Look Out For
Sales manager: Jack* didn't show up to work today. He probably went to an interview at another company.
VP: Is this the guy with the shoes?
Sales manager: Yep.
VP: Any dude wearing white shoes and a white belt is somewhat suspect...
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Smiths
3PM Empiricist Cooking Has Its Limitations
VP: But how will we make grilled cheese?
Drone: With the toaster oven.
VP: Well, I never, you'll have to show me how to use it.
Drone: Have you used a toaster?
VP: Yes!
Drone: Have you used an oven?
VP: YES!
Drone: Then you can use a toaster oven.
VP: Well, I have never seen such a thing.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
9AM But Now I'll Just Make a Bundle Suing You for Harassment
Teen employee: I'm so worried about getting into college. Although, I really don't know what I want to do with my life.
Middle-aged boss: You'd make a great stripper.
Teen employee: You know, I've considered it.
Bookstore
New York, New York
Overheard by: I guess I won't apply for a job after all
12PM You Do?
Manager: I can't do that to the client! Don't you see the cart before the horse here? It's chicken and egg!
VP: Yeah, but if you wanna run with the wolves--
Manager: --It's lying down with dogs and getting up with fleas!
VP: Yeah, I see your point...
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
4PM Plus, Who Would We Get to Clean Our Rain Gutters?
Manager: How's your mother?
Employee: She's coming home tonight. They wanted to put her in a nursing home, but I said, 'No way.' Not at Christmas.
Manager: Doesn't she need that level of care?
Employee: Not at Christmas, she doesn't.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle Right Outside
10AM My Feral Cats Care!
Admin: Well, when you feel better we have to talk. We have to make sure everyone knows that my job is so important.
Manager, sighing: Yes, Terri*, we've had this conversation. It's not good to be so needy or crave so much recognition.
Admin: I have so much to offer! So many people are doing double work!
Manager: Cheer down, girlfriend. No one really cares.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
3PM You've Never Asked Permission Before
Coworker to boss: I'm starting to feel like not being nice and not being so understanding to Jennifer*. You'll either have to give me a pep talk about politeness in the workplace, or give me permission to be a bitch.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: End of the Rope
1PM Number Crunching
Employee: Do you have the budget?
Executive: Yeah, I just don't know where Dingle Farts put it, you know, Marcus*.
Employee: You know you're on speakerphone, right?
Pause
Employee and executive erupt in laughter.
Pause
Executive: He's right there, isn't he? He's always right there, lurking...
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Is Anybody Prosecuting the Vatican Over Rosary Beads?
Communications manager to public relations specialist about sex toy ban in Alabama: Well, we really can't control the situation if someone chooses to take one of our novelty items and stimulate their genitals with it.
Sex toy company
Virginia
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
11AM I Don't Know -- Is It?
Manager: First thing we do is get back control of petty cash.
HR clerk: Isn't that like closing the barn door after the coke has been snorted?
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Well, Sir, That's Really What the Back Colon Is For
IT guy: So you don't want everyone to have access?
Boss: I just don't want anyone to be able to type slash, back colon, or whatever, and the system goes for a shite.
IT guy: Ya.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Define Back Colon
9AM Okay, People, You Are to Cease Using the Austin Powers Films in Management Training
Underling: Is that what you need?
Boss: I was asking for a shark with laser beams, and I got a manatee with flashlights? Thanks.
Kadena Air Base
Okinawa, Japan
Overheard by: R U Shittin' Me
9AM The Snatch Catch?
Female peon: Did you cock-block me last night?
Supervisor: No, I don't think so.
Male peon #1: Wait -- is there a female equivalent to the cock-block?
Male peon #2, after long pause: Vag glue?
East 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Chris J.
1PM 'Run for the Hills' / Run for Your Life
Publisher: I like your Iron Maiden t-shirt.
Intern: Thanks! I thought I'd dress it up today!
600 Broad Street
Gadsden, Alabama
Overheard by: ListeningJournalist
11AM Product Test
Supervisor: What are you doing?
College kid #1: Spraying each other.
Supervisor: Do you know what is in those bottles?
College kid #2: No.
Supervisor: Why would you spray each other with something you don't know?
College kid #2: It's fun.
Supervisor: It's acetone!
College kid #1: Is that like water or something?
Supervisor: God, I'm going back to my office.
465 Paul Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Nick I
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Where is Luke*?
Assistant: He took a day off. His brother got meningitis.
Boss: That's a bitch. If his brother doesn't die he will be a complete idiot for the rest of his life.
Assistant: How you know that?
Boss: I had it as a child.
101 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Work on RFP
Office Worker: This file won't unzip! Unzip, you! Dammit, unzip!
Supervisor: You should try sweet talking it a little bit. Maybe you should buy it dinner first.
105 North Hudson Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
10AM Fix Time Machine
Boss: Does anyone need this 2005 calendar?
Grunt: No thanks; my time machine is broken.
414 South Main Street
Independence, Oregon
10AM Call 911--Twice
Worker: Dammit! I got a paper cut! Agh!
Boss: Better than getting stabbed with a knife, stapled in the eye, or run over by the UPS truck.
9500 Owensmouth Avenue
Chatsworth, California
11AM Right after Our Mandatory Three PM Mani/Pedi
Supervisor: Hey, we're all here today... Let's have a meeting!
Employee #1: About what?
Employee #2: American Idol!
Financial center
New York, New York
Overheard by: working hard
3PM Six Sigma Is All about Eliminating Defects
Quality manager: If I told you what I know...
Salesman: You'd have to kill Charles*?
Quality manager: No... That's not a bad idea, though.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
3PM Like If They Smoke a Lot of Pot
Senior partner: What are you listening to? That's some funky music.
Paralegal: Phish.
Senior partner: Oooh, Phish -- I've heard of them but never heard them. Wow, they have a great sound.
Paralegal: Yeah, I really like them.
Senior partner, with fixed gaze: When you know someone listens to funky music, that can really tell you a lot about a person.
Washington, DC
9AM The Team That Smells Together Jells Together?
Senior research analyst in the elevator: Someone's all cologned up in here.
Team leader: I think most of us are. We're a good smelling team.
4833 Rugby Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
3PM Sleepy? Blitzen? Buckwheat?
Sarge: Is Posh gonna be there?
Office peon: Yeah!
Sarge: Sporty?
Office peon: Yeah!
Sarge: Spunky?
Office peon: That's not a Spice Girl!
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
4PM Tough Sell
Manager: If we are going to appeal to the youth market, we are going to have to euthanize our marketing materials.
Associate: That means to kill people.
Manager: Whatever.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM You Want Mine? I'm Suddenly Not Hungry Anymore
Boss: I hate these burritos. The ingredients aren't mixed up at all. It's like a fetus they mangled into a tortilla.
North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Developer
9AM Do You Really Want to Go There, Madame Days-of-the-Week?
Female manager to frustrated sales rep: Just put your big girl panties on and deal with it!
Business owner, over her shoulder: Oh, oh! Stern words from Miss Kello-Kitty-pants!
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM Anybody Can Do a Good Job with Information
Boss #1: Did you prepare an overview of the meeting for the lab?
Boss #2: No.
Boss #1: Why not?
Boss #2: I didn't go.
Boss #1: Oh, yeah, I went to the meeting.
Lab member: Did you prepare a overview?
Boss #1: No.
Clinical Science Research Building
Saint Louis, Missouri
4PM Blamestorming Is a Critical Part of the Planning Process
VP, jokingly: ... And this is the part of the project where we'll assign blame when we have to.
Marketing manager: We're expecting blame?
VP: Oh, sure -- blame is like water: it gets through any cracks and always works its way downwards.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Why Does This Have Coal in It?
Administrator: How was your Christmas?
Boss: Great. Now all I want is to get some sleep and find my underwear.
3740 Mill Creek Road
Mentone, California
4PM Research Executive Therapists
Peon: I am stealing this.
CEO: Why?
Peon: Because I have to send it somewhere and you stole it when you went on one of your frenzies and now that you are calm I am sending it away.
CEO: But why did I go off?
Peon: Like I ever know why you go off. It is just something you do. I just wait until it passes and do what should have been done before. It is just the way it works.
407 East Gude Drive
Rockville, Maryland
12PM Prep for Meeting
Boss: So do you think I should get 3 pies for the meeting since we have 30 people?
Worker Bee #1: Sure, 3 pies should be enough.
Worker Bee #2: I think you need more than 3.
Worker Bee #1: How many do you think we should get?
Worker Bee #2: We need 3.14159 pi.
Boss: Get out of my office. Now.
1010 Second Avenue
San Diego, California
2PM Why People Join AA
Receptionist: I just can't get the song from Pinocchio out of my head.
Marketing director: Funny what pops into your head on the first round.
Receptionist, singing: I've got no strings to hold me back...
Marketing director: Later on, when we're drinking, I'll tell you about the midgets.
City Center Building
Bellevue, Washington
5PM Tonight's Movie: The Filing Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
Manager: Are you going to keep filing those signatures today?
Intern: Yes, unless you have something more exciting for me to do.
Manager: Oh, here, I have some death certificates you could file.
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Yeah, that's much better
2PM Temp Receptionist Hasn't Been Told It's a New York City Law Firm
Attorney: Okay, I'm leaving to catch my train now -- it's Rosh Hashanah.
Receptionist: Wow! You're a Jew, too? There are so many of you people in this office!
Big law firm
New York, New York
3PM The Civil War Re-enactors Ruined That for Everybody
Employee: Do you think I can leave my machete on display? I moved my plants and posters.
Supervisor: Machete, cool. Bayonet, not cool. I already asked HR.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Think I'll Request A Different Cubicle
5PM See? That's Why You're the Boss
Drone: The client just called to say he only received eight pages of the fax I tried to send.
Boss: Did you check to make sure you are sending to a fax number?
Main and Center
Moab, Utah
9AM But You're Just Motivating the Hell Out of Me Today
New senior manager: So... When have you ever given a shit?
Employee: I don't know. It's been a while.
Interstate Parkway North
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Deno
12PM She Doesn't Need to Work, but She's in It for the SWAG
Supervisor: I have to clean this place up today before one of the company reps shows up!
Worker: Are they bringing us some squishy balls?!
Supervisor: No... Oh, not that kind of rep -- this guy is from one of the companies that pays us.
Worker: What? Are they at least bringing some candy? Candy! Candy! Candy! Yay, candy!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
5PM How the Echinacea Cocomocha Was Invented
Grunt #1: I need to get some...
Grunt #2: Rum?
Grunt #3: Echinacea?
1 World Financial
New York City
3PM Like This Conversation?
Female peon: Okay, I'm going to Erin's* dinner. See you tomorrow.
Male boss: Do me a favor -- when you see her, squeeze her ass for me.
Female peon: Why don't you squeeze her ass yourself?
Male boss: Are you kidding? That would be sexual harassment.
150 Mineola Boulevard
Mineola, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM Meeting with HR
Supervisor: I didn't just say that to him because he's gay, I would've said the same thing to you.
Worker: Oh yeah? How do you know I'm not gay?
Supervisor: I don't. Are you?
Worker: Yes.
Supervisor: Okay then, have a nice day...
716 West Genesee Street
Syracuse, New York
1PM She Had an Entire Human Being inside Her -- What's Your Excuse?
Manager #1: Amy* had her baby last week.
Manager #2: Who's Amy?
Manager #1: She's one of our graphic design artists. She's very beautiful.
VP: Yeah, she is pretty. And she looked really good... Well, up until the end.
2700 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
1PM And Easier Said Than Done, Am I Right?
Boss: So, I decided that when I turn 40 I'm going to not swear as much, and I only have a week left!
Assistant: Yeah, say 'fuck' a lot.
Boss: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... That's my favorite word ever!
Portland, Oregon
12PM She Faked That One
Secretary: Put it in! Put it in! Faster, c'mon! I can't take it, put it in! [Giggles]
Worker: Ready? Here we go. [Excessive grunting]
Secretary: Oh yeah, that feels great! Oh, yes.
Boss walks by. Looks in office.
Boss: What the hell is going on here?
Secretary: He just put the air conditioner in!
2000 Peel Street
Montreal, Quebec
Overheard by: Monika
10AM Or Is That Just Maryland?
Boss: It smells good in here! What is that? Grape?
Female employee: Uh, no, it's cranberry. Cranberry room spray.
Boss, after long pause: So, did you just fart or something?
4511 Knox Road
College Park, Maryland
3PM Sometimes You Can Feel All Meaning Evaporating Right Out of Your Head
Secretary: She said she's having trouble with her desktop...
Manager: Her desktop or her laptop?
Secretary: Desktop.
Manager: So the one that sits on the desk, or the one that she can carry around with her?
Secretary: Yes.
Portland, Oregon
11AM And Sing Polly Wolly Doodle All the Day
Boss: I need to leave work before I get too drunk!
1819 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM If You're Going to Disrespect Authority, Don't Leave Witnesses
Assistant: I don't know if you want to give him a call or not.
Boss #1: What happened?
Assistant: He mouthed off to a cop.
Boss #1: Sounds like Eric*.
Boss #2: Eric didn't mouth off to a cop.
Boss #1: I thought he did.
Boss #2: No, he ran over a cop. There's a big difference between running a cop over and mouthing off to one.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: can't make it up
10AM In What Capacity, I Will Not Say
IT manager: Sometimes when I'm down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.
West Village
New York, New York
2PM Honey, I'll Be Late Tonight -- Marketing the Firm Again
Owner: What kinds of social situations can you use to help market our firm?
Peon #1: I meet lots of guys at the bars and give them my cards -- especially those in the construction fields.
Peon #2, as others laugh: He didn't ask how you picked up men.
Peon #3: Is that why we never get any new projects?
Lincolnshire, Illinois
Overheard by: glad it wasn't me
5PM We Ran Out of Monkey Wax
Research supervisor on phone: So, question -- monkeys. Apparently one got a rash during the drug trial, but no one noticed because she was really hairy. Yeah, really, really hairy. She's a hairy monkey. What do you know about that?
West Point, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alison
1PM Hey, Teddy Ruxpin's Taken Bullets for Me
Sarge: You're lucky somebody around here likes you.
Office peon: Lots of people like me!
Sarge: Stuffed animals don't count.
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
5PM And Why Are All My Problems Self-Inflicted?
Boss: Who wants to do these reports?
Enthusiastic lady: I'll take them! Will be done in no time.
Boss, 15 minutes later: Are those reports ready, Angie*?
Enthusiastic lady: I'm still on it.
Boss, 15 minutes later: I need those reports now.
Enthusiastic lady: I am working on them as fast as I can. [Boss leaves, then] Why does he give me so much work and keep asking me if it's done?!
4340 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: did not ask for work
11AM Filing
Boss: All of these folders need to be filed right away, but I can't trust the desk guys to do it.
Tutor #1: Isn't that their job?
Boss: Yes, but they need to be filed alphabetically, and they can't do that.
Tutor #1: They can't file alphabetically?
Boss: Apparently not. [Tutor #2] spent two hours yesterday trying to put everything back in order.
Tutor #2, breaking into laughter: Is that what you thought I was doing? Shit!
Boss: What were you doing, then?
Tutor #2: I dropped my ring in the drawer, and I had to take out all the folders to find it! It took forever, too.
Boss: Did you at least put them back alphabetically when you were done?
Tutor $2: Are you on crack? That's the desk guy's job!
101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
9AM Back to Work
Employee #1: Wearing the pinstripe today, eh? Real banker-like.
Manager: Yeah, makes me work harder. But you should see me at 4:30. I'll be wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and working the park.
Employee #1: Pardon?
Manager: I'll be selling hot chocolate.
Employee #2: Is that your name there or the product you'll be selling?
3 King Street S
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: SAM BRUNTON-LEWIS
1PM I'm Pretty Sure Mel Gibson Has Barely Touched His Copy
Young office worker: I need some Catholic classes or something. I get all confused about the Bible characters and Jesus.
Manager: Why not go to church? Or maybe when you go to college, they'll have a Bible study. Lots of kids do that.
Young office worker: I need something before then. I need Jesus for Dummies so I can catch up!
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: the cubicle right outside
1PM They're All Like, 'Boo Hoo, Who Moved My Cheese?'
Coworker to another about manager: So he said, 'If someone comes into your office crying, just ignore it. It used to freak me out, but now I realize it happens all the time.'
46th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Miranda, You Get an Exemption 'til Your Eyebrows Grow Back
Boss: Okay, who's not afraid of fire?
McLean, Virginia
9AM How'd They Get There from the West?
Peon: I think she's Indian.
Boss: American Indian? We don't have a lot of those!
Peon: No, Asian Indian.
Boss: They have Indians in Asia?!
5th and Market Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Oh, How Does Anyone Get Anything?
Clinician: Can you call the ER to tell them that this patient cannot be moved due to an infection?
Admin assistant, looking at chart: How did he get it in his butt?!
Varnum Avenue
Lowell, Massachusetts
4PM I'd Forget My Head If It Weren't Attached...Wait...
Manager: I made a mental note about that, but I don't seem to have brought it with me.
State Office Campus
Albany, New York
Overheard by: schaefs
2PM Forward Some Spam
Boss: I think there's something wrong with my computer! You better call the help desk.
Assistant: Sure, what's the problem?
Boss: Well, I logged into my computer this morning and I only have 5 emails.
Assistant: ...And you usually have more.
Boss: Yes, I have at least 50 each morning.
Assistant: The help desk can only fix your computer, not your popularity. Sorry.
1775 Broadway
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Oh wow, these are good.
Attorney: What are you eating?
Secretary: They are meatless meatballs.
Attorney: So essentially, you're just eating balls.
1050 Thomas Jefferson Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM My. Head. Hurts.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Employee: I went out last night and I stayed out too late.
Boss: I am not sure if I should admire your honesty or if I should fire you for not having the courtesy to lie to me.
17 Battery Place
New York, NY
2PM Install Sprinklers and Asbestos
Office Clerk #1: Have you noticed that there aren't any ceiling sprinklers in this entire building?
Office Clerk #2: Y'know, you're right. But there are smoke detectors.
Office Clerk #1: And those will certainly help put out the flames when we're trapped in our cubicles.
Supervisor: Well...maybe the sprinklers are above the false ceiling.
Employee #1: Oh...so when there is a fire the sprinklers will soak the ceiling tiles which will cause them to fall to the ground and smother the flames?
406 West 34th Street
Kansas City, Missouri
9AM If Those Are the Choices
Forklift driver: I need to reload this overweight [truck]. Do I need to unload the ass to put these two in the belly, or should I just throw them on?
Supervisor: Really, I would prefer them in the ass.
Iowa
5PM Oh, and Smallpox Victims!
Boss: Oh, you met Beth* from the London office? How old did she look?
Woman on phone: Oh, well, she looked older than me, so she must in her 50s. Then again, sometimes people look older than me, but they turn out to be only 35.
Boss: Cigarette smokers.
Woman on phone: ... And meth addicts.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: 22 and never doing meth
9AM Yes, My Stack's about to Overflow
Engineer: So, we think we got the problem with the RAM failures locked down.
Boss: You've really been engorged this week, haven't you?
Engineer: What?
6540 Lusk Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Im engorged this week...
3PM So I Can Relate to You Guys Who Know Nothing
Information technology director to management team: You know me - I'm not real technological.
125 S Congress Street
Jackson, Mississippi
12PM Call Network Guy
Boss: We're having communication problems.
Underling: We are?
Boss: What?
18115 Campus Way NE
Bothell, Washington
Overheard by: cogalicious
12AM Oh, What a Tangled Website We Weave
Law Firm Partner: How do you log on to our website?
Secretary: We don't have a website.
Law Firm Partner: Can make one up real quick? There's a girl who's trying to sell us a website and I told her we already have one.
329 18th Street
Rock Island, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Ok. Since it seems like [Dougie] doesn't want to be a part of the team and show up for meetings, [Steve], from now on, when you send out meeting requests, make sure the invitation is sent to him personally.
[Steve]: So basically, I should click a few more times to enable this otherwise unacceptable behavior?
Manager: Right.
[Steve]: Got it.
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
9AM Today's Looking Up
Manager: Will you help him on this issue?
Buyer #1: I'd be happy to help him.
15 minutes pass.
Buyer #2: If you just don't do your work, they won't fire you; they'll
just give it to somebody else.
6808 Lake Worth Boulevard
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
12PM So There's No One to Stop Me
Boss, about former employee: She smelled like my grandmother's underwear drawer.
Underling: Do you spend a lot of time in your grandmother's underwear drawer?
Boss: Well, she died a while ago...
1100 Hamilton Court
Menlo Park, California
4PM It Says, "If I See You I Will Kill You"
Admin: I am going to heaven!
Boss: What makes you think that?
Admin: I wrote my brother a letter.
Boss: How long has he been in jail?
Admin: Two years, and I have not spoken to him since my friend got killed.
Boss: Sooo, you think because you wrote him a letter you are going to heaven? Do you forgive him?
Admin: Hell no! If I see him, I will kill him. But I wrote him a letter!
Dallas, Texas
3PM He Took the Short Bus to Management School
Coworker: Actually, there are some plants that are flame retardant.
Manager: Ha! You said 'retard.'
1212 South Rangeline Road
Indiana
Overheard by: Just Listening
2PM But That Was Just with Money.
Supervisor: Good job!
Needy peon: Really?
Supervisor: Yes, of course! Why don't you ever believe me?
Needy peon: 'Cause last week I said, 'I trust you,' and you said, 'Oh, God, don't do that!'
Supervisor: Oh, yeah...
Louisville, Kentucky
4PM Nobody Can Take a Deposition Like You
Attorney: Okay, lay down on your desk.
Paralegal: Okay, but don't look at my butt.
Attorney, after long pause: Wow, you have an amazing pain tolerance!
Burien, Washington
Overheard by: third wheel
5PM Because When You Just Keep Slapping Me, It Really Doesn't Get Your Point Across
Manager everyone loathes: It's okay to talk to me verbally about that...
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Glad I work in another department
1PM Translation: Whatever You Do Will Have to Be Done Over
Project manager: We need to get the turnover rate for the past 12 months.
Database admin: I have that. I can give you the turnover for the past year.
Project manager: Great! We'll also need it for the previous 12 months.
Database admin: I'm confused -- isn't the past 12 months the previous 12 months?
Project manager: Yes.
1055 Lenox Park Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Iga
11AM Sometimes Guys Like a Little Extra Friction
Director, pointing to picture: This sister? Is she older than you?
Employee: No I'm the oldest.
Director: She looks older than you. Both your sisters do.
Employee: That's because they both stopped taking their estrogen. They dried up.
365 W Passaic St,
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle right outside
4PM Intern Interviews
Boss: Who is your supervisor?
Intern: Um, technically, you are.
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
1PM Only If It's Casual Friday
Co-worker #1: Hey, do we need to dress up when the Japs show up next week?
Boss: Don't ever refer to them as Japs! That's racist and very offensive. Please refer to them as Japanese instead.
Co-worker #2: Hey, while we're being all culturally sensitive and shit, can I show up to work dressed as a ninja to welcome them to America?
115 Perimeter Center Place, NE
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Goodness -- It Certainly Isn't
Shipping manager: Man, something smells good over here!
Nearby cube girl: It's not me!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Countin' down the days...
11AM Native Americans: Jeez, Even the Bigots Ignore Us!
CEO to new sales rep: Use your judgment when it comes to payment schedules. If they sound like good people -- you know, like normal Americans on the phone -- we'll bill them. But Ay-rabs and Orientals pay COD. You have to watch those bastards, 'cause they'll all fuck you.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
Overheard by: Really glad I gave notice yesterday
11AM Error Message
Boss: I am sending emails like a wildman, I just can't get them.
Assistant: Maybe your email box is full. Wait, no, you delete everything
Boss: Well, it could be full. I have 1,100 emails.
Assistant: Gah!
Boss: I'm not getting anything but this error message
Assistant: Wait, you're getting an error message? That could be helpful; what does it say?
Boss: It just says "error"
Assistant: This is going to be a long day, huh?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM I've Always Wanted to Try the Meat Outside the Bread
Manager: Ben*, do you want a badly made sandwich?
Employee: How badly made?
Manager: Badly.
Employee: Yeah!
Hemel Hempstead
UK
Overheard by: I'm fine thanks
5PM Why Night Guy Volunteered to Work Nights
Boss: Why didn't you build those three displays last night?
Night guy: I couldn't find the stuff to do it with.
Boss, going back and pointing to the only three pallets of stuff in the back room: This is the stuff you couldn't find all night?
Night guy: You should have put in my note that I should look harder.
Albertson's
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Bill
1PM Defining Expectations
Office manager: The first rule of thumb is that two geotechnical engineers will always give you two different answers. The second rule of thumb is that I'm always right.
Interns: Hahahahahahahahah
Pause
Office manager: I'm being serious.
1066 West Hastings
Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
10AM Time Management Improves the Bottom Line
Employee: I'd like a minute to talk with you about my contribution here and my compensation.
Manager: No.
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: GAMA Girl
11AM In the Corner Office
VP : So tell me again, why should she get a raise?
Director: She's been with us fifteen years, just completed her Masters and has made a lot of money for us the last 10 years.
VP: Listen, we don't give out raises for people who do a good job. You've gotta have a better reason than that.
1600 East Wendover Avenue
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Tom Duehring
10AM Requisition a Broom
Exec: Who made a mess over here by the shredder?
Assistant: I was throwing confetti at myself.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Worker: Can you please help with the thingy, you know, um, over there?
Manager: Well done, very descriptive.
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
12AM More Like Cinema Verite
Boss: Wow, this [stapler] is heavy.
Co-worker: It's from a movie.
Boss: What movie?
Co-worker: Office Space.
Boss: Is that a comedy?
1 Railroad Avenue
Cooperstown, New York
8AM Listening Gets in the Way of My Duties
Boss: So how are you doing? Is everything all squared away?
Peon: If by "squared away", you mean multiple projects strewn across my desk in varying degrees of completion, then yes.
Boss: OK, good. Let me know if you need anything.
600 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
9AM So We'll Have Her Train You
Underling #1: Am I fired?
Boss: No, 'cause then we'd have to hire her, and she's only part time.
Underling #2: Me?
Underling #1: She wouldn't take the job.
Boss: Yes, because she's smarter than you.
334 East 14th Street
New York, New York
11AM 'You Suck' -- Now That's Criticism!
Angry manager: ... And you are in no way the Leah* you should be! Do I make myself clear?!
Tearful employee: ... Yes.
Angry manager: Are you always like this?
Tearful employee: No, I usually respond well to criticism, it's just--
Angry manager: --It's not criticism, it's feedback!
Pride Park, Derby
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Glad I work in another department
1PM Could I Have My Head Grafted onto Your Torso?
Annoying female worker: I feel so left out... Can I just move my desk next to yours?
Manager: Absolutely not.
Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Drone
3PM A Struggle for Survival Helps Youngsters Put Things into Perspective
Employee: Sounds like your kid might need to get some professional help.
Boss: You know what I wanna do? Give that kid a fucking Valium and send him off to a wilderness camp!
Employee: Uh...
Florida
10AM Then You're Failing Me All Around
Male hippie #1 standing at printer with no paper: Aren't you supposed to be watching this? What do I pay you for?
Male hippie #2: To shave my legs and wear the skirt.
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: please no more
3PM If You Are Caught, the Secretary Will Deny All Knowledge of Your Activities
Boss to employee: So, will you be my secret agent in the ladies' bathroom?
13th Street and F Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: wiretapper
12PM Time to Stop Having Dinner at Mel Gibson's House
Jewish manager: I got your e-mail about XYZ Spring Company* not being able to make that spring.
Office girl: Yeah, those dirty-- Ugh!
Jewish manager: It's okay, it's okay!
Office girl: They just keep quoting stuff, and when I give them an order they decide they can't do it because they are little pieces--! Ugh! Never mind!
Jewish manager: Are you okay?
Office girl: Yeah... I'm just trying to be Christian today.
Jewish manager: ... Good for you. [Walks away.]
Office girl, from a distance: I need to say more things in my head. I think I'm fired now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM My Secret? Vodka Oreos.
Manager: Did you see the game last night?
Coordinator: I was drunk. [Takes bite of Oreo.]
Manager: Huh?
Coordinator: Yeah, I'm drunk every day. S'matter of fact, I'm drunk right now!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Rachel's Birthday Thing
Boss: Those cupcakes are delicious. What a sugar rush!
Intern: I broke out in hives.
Boss: In hives?
Intern: A rash. My skin is very sensitive.
Boss: To sugar?
Intern: Yup.
Boss: That's amazing.
Intern: When I was a kid I got sick and I had to have, like, ten X-rays a day. Literally, five X-rays a day. And I think that messed up my photons.
Boss: Your photons?
Intern: Yeah, that's how X-rays work, you know? They reverse your photons. That's how they get the image.
Boss: Oh.
Intern: That's why my skin is so sensitive, because they messed up the photons. They won't admit it, because they don't want me to sue them. But I know what's up.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
10AM They Must Work at Another Law Firm
Boss: The funniest thing just happened. I've had a banana in my bag for like a month. When I opened my bag a whole bunch of gnats flew out!
Underling: Is that why there are flys all over our windowless office?
Boss: No.
10201 W. Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
7PM Looks Like He Got the Job
Regional Director: I'm so sorry you had to wait, I was on the phone then my assistant got me off. Did she offer you anything?
2800 Post Oak Boulevard
Houston, Texas
4PM Ready? Okay!
Boss: Put away those pom-poms, young lady -- this is a place of business!
North Cedar Street
Lititz, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michelle
3PM Part of My Deal with the DA's Office
Secretary: What are they here for?
Boss: They are here to remove my organ.
Secretary: ... What?
Fort Street
Lincoln Park, Michigan
5PM Might Be a Problem Hiring Eunuch Guardians
Boss's wife: Is he talking about having a harem again?
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
10AM He'd Rather Do It Avocationally
Manager: Why do they send so much of this stock? It's never gonna sell. What bunch of arseholes thought this up at head office?
Peon: This is really getting to you, isn't it? I get the feeling you applied for a job there, and they turned you down.
Manager: A job at head office? No thanks, I've no desire to be an arsehole for a living.
Peon: But you'd be so good at it.
4 The Sidings
Lincoln, United Kingdom
1PM What's It Gonna Take to Get Me Out of This Conversation?
Girl: Yeah, he thought you meant that I was gonna make cheese from my breast milk, you know, to save money...
Boss: That's not what I meant.
Girl: I know!
Texas
Overheard by: the lowly receptionist
9AM Any Time There's No One Else in the Building, That Is
Supervisor: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to keep this door to the hallway open.
Temp: But it's so noisy out there.
Supervisor: I'm sorry, but we like to have an open door policy. If you want, you can come talk to me about it privately at any time.
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: a different temp
11AM It's OK, It's Just Their Little Code for 'So I Can Brand You With Hot Tongs'
Manager to waiter: What are you doing up here? Go in the fucking kitchen so I can fucking beat your ass.
Italian Restaurant
Olney, Maryland
1PM Chopsticks, However, Are Better for Stabbing Bigots in the Throat
Employee #1: How's your burger?
Asian manager, with messy burger: Good, but it?s hard to eat...
Employee #2: It would be harder to eat with chopsticks!
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Staffing Up
Boss: I need to hire someone, but I need that person to be unexperienced, so that they don't stupidly think they know what they are doing here before I train them.
Underling: Wait, then why did you hire me? I knew what I was doing when I started here.
Boss: You are the reason I now require people to be unexperienced. I couldn't train the arrogance and stupidity out of you.
800 East, Utah State University
Logan, Utah
Overheard by: tm
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: What are you still doing here? I told you to go home early.
Employee: I know. Have you ever seen Shawshank Redemption?
Boss: Yes.
Employee: Remember what happened to the prisoner that finally got his freedom? He ended up hanging himself because he didn't know what to do with his free time.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Reader Challenge: Take Your Office Mary Out to Lunch
Boss: Have you fixed that invoice?
Minion: Yeah! It was totally magical -- Mary* thinks I'm awesome, and she's going to do some stuff in the system and the invoice will be fixed!
Boss: So, we're getting paid?
Minion: Yeah! Magical Mary will fix it, I'll send it out, and we'll get paid! Hooray for everyone!
200 Harry S. Truman Parkway
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Rica
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Can I see your boobs today?
Underling: Now would be a good time to put in my two weeks.
950 Eller Drive
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
2PM 0 People Found This Advice Helpful
Boss: Is that Amazon?
Office manager, answering phone: No, it was recording.
Boss, interrupting again: Was it Amazon?
Office manger: No, it was a recording.
Boss: You sure?
Office manger: Yes. It was silent and beeped and started the recording.
Boss: I thought it was Amazon. [Phone rings again] Is that Amazon?
Office manger: Yes, I'm on hold.
Boss: Maybe you should talk to them.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM And He's Stopped Fixing Himself Up
Boss: You're starting to sound like my wife.
Employee: He can't sound like your wife, he doesn't hate you.
Boss: Yes, he does.
300 Pompton Road
Wayne, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lots of love going around
5PM A Brave One
Employee: I have to leave, my mother's bleeding.
Manager: Again?
Employee: Bleeding somewhere down there [gestures below waist] -- she's not sure where.
Manager: What kind of doctor do you call for that?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
11AM I Get Hungry in There
Employee: What are you doing tonight?
Manager: I have to pick up a turkey and then get a CAT scan.
140 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
11AM Actually She Just Had a Cold, But We Take Her Living Will Very Seriously
Employee: You know my friend didn't die the other day when they, uh, disconnected her.
Manager: Oh no?
Employee: But she's dying right now. It took forty-eight hours. I wonder if she's hungry.
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jersey Girl
3PM Office Decorum Can Be a Sticky Issue
Supervisor: Did you happen to locate that file while I was away this week?
Employee: No. I'm not comfortable rooting through your drawers. I feel like I am up to something.
Supervisor: Uhhh...
100 Cushman Street
Fairbanks, Arkansas
Overheard by: quiet one
3PM How about Just the Minor Drug Offenders?
Coworker: Did you hear? Jerry Brown is our new Attorney General!
Boss: That's it! Open up all the prisons! Set the prisoners free! And give them all marijuana on the way out!
708 Fiero Lane
San Luis Obispo, California
2PM Go Through Resumes
Manager: Look at this, this lady put "dictaphone" under skills on their resume.
Worker: What? A dickaphone? Was she a phone sex operator?
1402 Harborside Drive
Galveston, Texas
Overheard by: ladyinthemidst
5PM Nobody's Gonna Build There a Second Time
Coworker: What's the deal with these lot loans?
Manager: Your mom's a lot loan.
San Ramon, California
Overheard by: cracking up
3PM Ken Lay Rocks the 'Do As I Say, Not As I Do' Management Technique
Manager: That's how I graduated from one of the top five business schools in this country [leaves].
Cubicle chick: Is anyone else proud of him? I'm proud of him.
Manager, returning: I cheated my way through business school, and that's how I graduated at the top of my class.
Cubicle chick: Mr. Kline*!
Manager, back in own office: I didn't know what I was doing, so I just cheated all through school. And that's how I graduated.
Cubicle chick: Sooo... Does that mean I can cheat, too?
Manager: No!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM At Last, An RDA Is Established for Cookies
Drone #1: I am trying really hard to stay away from these cookies on my desk.
Drone #2: Oh my God, tell me about it. Those cookies are GOOD.
Drone #1: Maybe if I look at how many calories they have, it'll be easier to stay away. One cookie, 120 calories.
Drone #3: Well, how many calories are you supposed to have?
Drone #1: I don't know. I think 2000 calories is supposed to be average.
Drone #3: And the cookies are 120? Then you can eat all you want!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM He's Got a Lot of Pull, Though
Co-worker: Oh, you know how he is... Yeah, that's a great word to describe him: wanker.
Madison, Connecticut
1PM My Mind Actually Projects It onto the World
Boss: You got hypnotized by the screen saver?
IT guy: No, I'm watching porn. This is the only screen no one else can see.
Exeter
United Kingdom
9AM Unless I Can Watch
Boss: You may not spend an hour in the bathroom.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Smoke Break
Supervisor: Well, when I was a kid, I was really ugly. I had the big thick glasses, I was tiny, it was pretty bad.
Underling: Wow.
Supervisor: Yeah, but it got better around ninth grade. That's when I turned drop dead sexy.
Underling: So, when did it go away?
250 West Jackson Street
Spring Grove, Pennsylvania
9AM Thanksgiving...Come Back...
Secretary: You can't do that!
VP: I'm like Bush. I answer to God.
Secretary: You answer to me!
VP: Isn't that what I just said?
10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Abigail Fisher
9AM Where It's Win or Lose without the Rolling Disasters
GM: So, how are you doing?
Clerk: Well, I was almost fired today, so, you know, I've been crying a lot.
GM: You know what? You should really be having fun out here! Try to have a little fun out here!
Clerk: [Blinks.]
GM: Okay! Now I have to go coach Little League!
Howe Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
4PM Well, We're at an Impasse, Then
Controller to president: I'm ready, baby, what do you wanna do? You wanna do it in my office? C'mon baby, what do you wanna do?
President: I want for you not to touch me with your viral infections.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
3PM Well, It's in the Decontamination Chamber Right Now...
Boss: Did you find mail in the bathroom?
Intern: Yeah, is it yours?
Boss: Yeah, I left it there on purpose.
Intern: Do you want me to put it back?
Boss: No, I'll take it now, please.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
11AM I'm Excited about Our Constancy of Purpose, I Should've Said
New girl: I'm excited about the new direction of the company!
Boss: Um, we try to avoid saying 'new direction' around here.
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Amused coworker
3PM Spellcheck
Boss: When you tie something around your mouth so that you can't make sound, what's that called?
Trainee: What?
Boss: Like if somebody is tied up and you put a rag in their mouth, what's that called?
Trainee: A gag?
Boss: How is that spelled?
Trainee: Uhhh...G-A-G.
Boss: How about gagged? Like, somebody is bound and gagged.
Trainee: G-A-G-G-E-D...what the hell?
Boss: It's all part of your training.
550 Eagles Landing Parkway
Stockbridge, Georgia
4PM Paradigm Shift
Boss #1: What's he doing up there? We're not supposed to park there now.
Receptionist: Subverting the dominant paradigm?
Boss #1: Which means?
Receptionist: Breaking the rules?
Boss #1: Hah! That's great. Hey [Boss #2]! You're subverting the dominant paradigm!
Boss #2: You don't know what subvert means!
Boss #1: I don't know what the hell paradigm means!
Boss #2: Now as for dominant. . .
Boss #1: Shut up!
3211 Martin Luther King Jr. Way S
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Lowly Peon
4PM Staff Meeting
Drone: With all the cutbacks, re-orgs and layoffs, what is management doing to keep up morale?
Manager: It's called a paycheck. You know, that thing that magically appears in your bank account every month? That is your motivation. Any more questions?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
4PM Schedule Pitch
Supervisor: The contact name is "Ding Ding"?
Co-worker: Yes.
Supervisor: And he lives in his car behind K-mart?
1001 Roeder Avenue
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
9AM How's Tomorrow Sound?
Underling: What do you want me to do today?
Superboss: That's a good question. I can talk about that whenever you're ready.
4000 Shoreline Court
San Francisco, California
4PM No, on the Guy He's Kneeling Next To
Boss, looking at photograph: Geez, look at the smile on this guy!
Peon: That's a mustache.
Middlemount, Queensland
Australia
Overheard by: Glad he shaves...
11AM Comps Due
Manager: Why are you sending me comps at 1:30 in the morning?
Designer: Because I wanted to work on them at home, and then when I was home I couldn't work on them until Loveline was on the air and I could listen to some relationship advice at the same time.
Manager: Oh, that makes perfect sense.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
12PM Lunch
Boss: Oh my god! There were things in there that I should have put away or hidden, like sex toys in stuff that I keep in my underwear drawer.
Coworker: She wouldn't go in your underwear drawer.
Boss: Well that's why she's there...to help us pack. Oh my god, I have like two sets of handcuffs, too.
2355 West Bangs Avenue
Neptune, New Jersey
10AM Making Copies
Manager: So yeah, you've got a bit of an accent there, are you from here?
Kinko's guy: Yeah, I mean, no, not really, I lived in Ireland until I was 3, and my family still has a pretty heavy tongue.
Manager: REALLY? That's fascinating! Can you speak some Irish for me?
Kinko's guy: 'hello'?
3374 W Tharpe Street
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: laughed out loud and totally busted my own eavesdropping
3PM Logging In
Sales guy: Sooo, how do I get on our intranet again?
His assistant: We put this on your Favorites list, remember? We've done this before.
Sales guy: No.. no.. I'm not seeing it.
Assistant: Yes, the very first time I showed you how to log in, I had you add it to your Favorites first.
Sales guy: I don't know, but I know I'm not seeing it.
Assistant: Hmm, I can't remember if it was under a subfolder or not.
Sales guy: What are you talking about?
Pause
Assistant: Okay, let's start from the beginning... Open up your Internet Explorer....
Sales guy: Okay... done...
Assistant: Now click on Favorites....
Sales guy: Oooh. Is it called [Company Inc]-home?
Assistant: Mmm hmm. That would be it.
Cubicle neighbor: Is this the same voice you use to explain things to your daughter?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Forward Files
Boss: I need you to email this to [Kevin].
Assistant: No problem, I have the electronic version right here. I'll email it out in a sec.
Boss: Great...Oh, and make sure my notes don't show up when you send it out.
Assistant: Your notes?
Boss: Yeah, the notes I wrote there in the margins.
Assistant: Um, don't worry. They won't.
Boss: Great, thanks.
Assistant: Just fucking retire already...Jesus!
300 West Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Okay, so, there have been some changes in the past 24 hours. First of all, [Sharon] has left us for another job.
Team: Ding dong the witch is dead, the wicked old witch is dead!
955 Rumble Road
Smarr, Georgia
4PM Officers Meeting
Boss: Okay, it's nearly 5, so we're going to take a different approach to the voting this time. After the meeting minutes are completed, I'll email all of our ideas to everyone tomorrow, and you can email me back your votes for the best one.
Underling: Are we voting today or tomorrow?
425 Park Avenue
New York, NY
5PM And Apologies in Advance to Tom, Dick, and Harry
Manager, during meeting: ... And we just don't want any Joe Schmoe helping people on the phone... No offense, Joe.
Joe, phone answerer: Mmm.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Celebratious
3PM Bill Clinton Was a Better President Than He Is a Campaign Manager
Boss: We never decided to postpone this issue. We just agreed that we would deal with other issues first.
Brouwersvliet, Antwerp, Belgium
9AM You Know the Feeling When You Lean Back Too Far in Your Chair?
Boss: I'm trying to figure out how to explain this in terms that you can understand.
Jane*: I think I get what you're trying to say.
Male peon #1: I think I also understand what you're trying to say.
Male peon #2: Me, too.
Boss: Let me put it this way: let's all imagine that Jane is at the OB/GYN...
Response Road
Sacramento, California
4PM Fa Shoah?
20-something scrapbooker: Should I be putting pictures of Auschwitz in here?
Supervisor: I don't think so!
20-something scrapbooker: I should probably put one... I mean, we went there... I'm gonna make light of it.
570 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ethan
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Don't you hate it when your anorexia kicks in?
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: When you see things backwards.
Employee #2: Dyslexia.
423 West 8th Street
Kansas City, Missouri
8AM Don't Try This in the Other 49 States
Boss: Where's [Justin]?
Employee: He's up my ass...want to tickle his feet?
800 Livingston Avenue
North Brunswick, New Jersey
12PM Usually It's the Boss Who Gets Sewed
Boss: Notice anything different about your blazer today?
Employee: No.
Boss: Well, I sewed it for you.
Employee: What? When?
Boss: Oh, a month or two ago, when you were out of the office for the day. You left it here, so I took it and sewed it.
Employee: Um, thanks.
300 Massachusetts Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM We Know a Lot of Places Where It Isn't, So We're Making Progress
Supervisor: Did you find that part?
Coworker: No.
Supervisor: Well, where is it?
Flagstaff, Arizona
Overheard by: Jimmy
2PM Well, for One Thing, They Aren't There
Peon calling supervisor about note from employee: Did you check your pants today?
Production supervisor: What kind of question is that?
Madison, Wisconsin
2PM Come into My Office and I'll Show You Some Photos
Boss lady: I just don't think thong underwear is that attractive. I mean, maybe if you're 12 years old and tight...
Assistant: I don't think a 12-year-old in thong underwear is attractive.
Boss lady: Well, when you're 12, you're tight.
Burbank, California
4PM When the Men of the Firm Proved Incapable of Satisfying Her, Stephanie Turned to the Animal Kingdom
Office manager: What is this book on my desk? Who left this here? Kiss of the Wolf?
Sales guy: I have no idea, do you want to speculate here?
Office manager: Didn't this use to be in the girl's bathroom?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Internship
Boss: How many servers do you think Google has?
Lackey: Infinite.
Boss: Infinite? You're a retard.
15 Alatarinda Road
Orinda, California
Overheard by: choking on a brownie
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Hey there! How are you feeling about your second day?
Intern: Whelmed.
Manager: I'm sorry, what was that?
Intern: Whelmed. You know, you can be "overwhelmed" and "underwhelmed," but I'm just "whelmed."
Manager: I see. Well, maybe some coffee would help?
1400 16th Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM Running Reports
Group leader: You filed the wrong report for this transaction.
Clerk: That's the way [Lisa] trained me to do it.
Group leader: Which proves idiotisms are contagious.
Clerk: Yeah, you're right... I mean no.... I mean, I don't like it when you make me have to think about what you say.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: It's such a nice day and nothing is happening in here...I think I'm going to leave.
Employee #1: That sounds good. Can I leave, too?
Boss: Sure.
Employee #2: And me?
Boss: If you want. Hey, [Erica]! If the phone rings, then just--
Clerk: Wait, you're all going to leave me here by myself and you expect me to actually do shit? Fuck you.
101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
10AM Meeting with HR
Manager: So, is your girlfriend taking you out for your birthday?
Accountant: No, I'm going out with my friends.
Manager: If I were your girlfriend, I wouldn't put up with that shit.
Accountant: Well, you're not, and you don't have to.
Manager: ...It's not like you're allowed to marry your friends and have kids someday...
Accountant: Well, in some places you can.
Manager: That's it, you're fired!
6801 Brecksville Road
Independence, Ohio
12PM He's Paid to Look, Not to Work
A supervisor walks up to the back of a free-standing file cabinet.
Supervisor: How do I open this?
Employee: You go around to the front and open the door.
8 King Road
Rockleigh, New Jersey
8AM "Good question! Let's call and find out...hold on, I'm getting a call."
Bossman: I think I'm going to switch my cell phone company. It looks like I can save some money with AT&T. I just want to make sure I can keep my number.
Co-worker: What if someone using AT&T already has the same number?
4156 Freedom Way
Weirton, West Virginia
9AM We're More Like Your Kids Who Won't Get Jobs
Supervisor: You guys are just like my family!
Office peon: Yeah, except we don't throw your shit in the river.
Academy Street
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Dude
12PM The Guilt Trip to Bountiful
Boss: When, in the course of your life, you are traveling to the right you will find that you must take the toll road and pay your dues. There is no free road to the right.
Employee: Uh... Can I have my doughnut now?
Bountiful, Utah
Overheard by: tkt
9AM Back to Work
Boss: I sent you an email.
Assistant: Oh, thanks.
Pause
Boss: You going to read it?
Assistant: No, I don't do emails anymore. I gave that up.
Boss: Hmmm.... I like that. "I don't do emails anymore". I like that. I'm going to go with it.
Assistant: Yeah, it's working for me so far.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Update Site
Manager: When you're finished with the accessibility development for the hotels path, start on rental cars site.
Programmer: Um...accessibility...for rental cars?
Manager: Yes.
Programmer: So, we want to make it easier for the blind to rent cars?
Manager: Yeah...I know.
800 Connecticut Avenue
Norwalk, Connecticut
4PM Tea Time
Manager: [Elayne], sloppy seconds?
Co-worker: Sure. It's not what it sounds like. She's asking if I
want the second half of her teabag.
740 Dundas Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
10AM Cancel New Headset Order
Employee: My headset for my phone doesn't work. Can I have a new one?
Supervisor: Let me see that. Oh...you see what's wrong? Sometimes the data can get caught in the phone line...so just straighten the cord. That makes the voice data come through more quickly and it won't get all caught up.
11161 Mill Valley Road
Omaha, Nebraska
11AM Client Meeting
Receptionist on intercom: Can I go to the bathroom?
Supervisor: Uh...sure. Why would you ask me that?
Receptionist on intercom: Because you told me I should always ask you first if I was ever unsure of what to do in a situation.
Supervisor: Do you not know how to use the restroom?
Receptionist on intercom: Well, what if you tried to intercom me and I wasn't around? What would--
Supervisor: Just go!
165 Nassau Boulevard
Garden City, New York
11AM Customer Service Retraining
Co-worker #1: Did you just say you asked the location to give the
customer a little ass?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, ass...ya know, assistance.
Co-worker #1: Um...once again...ass is not the abbreviation for
assistance.
Boss: What's going on?
5330 E. 31st Street
Tulsa, Oklahoma
5PM We're Highly Motivated to Accomplish the Mission
Supervisor: You were loud.
Underling: We were just talking.
Supervisor: You were screaming.
Underling: Well, we always scream.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM The Kind Amerigo Vespucci Used to Make
Boss: Mmmm! This pizza's good.
Employee: Oh, yeah. This deep dish one is great.
Boss: Oh, yeah. I saw that one, but it looked too weird to try.
Employee: Yeah, it's Chicago style.
Boss: Oh, that's why. I like just good old American-style pizza.
Frost Bank Building
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: dizzle
4PM Final Trip Preparations
Boss: Will my BlackBerry work in Thailand?
IT: Yeah, it will work anywhere in Europe.
One Allen Center
Houston, Texas
3PM Yeah, It's a Cracker Thing. You Wouldn't Understand.
Paralegal #1: Don't you remember Zweiback cookies when you were little?
Paralegal #2: Uh, no.
Associate: You white people are into different things.
180 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
4PM But As a Paralegal? No.
Lawyer: Ben*, if I e-mail you something, can you figure out how to print it on legal-size paper?
Paralegal: Ummm, sure. [Later brings back printed text.]
Lawyer: Oh, great! You know, you have a future as a printer!
575 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
CEO: I think we should name [the product] SINBAD after [Janet].
Underling: "SINBAD"?
CEO: Single Income, No Boyfriend, and Desperate.
27 Gillies Avenue
Newmarket, Auckland
New Zealand
3PM Bathroom Break
Supervisor: Where the hell have you been for the last 15 minutes?
Employee: I had to use the restroom.
Supervisor: What--all the way in the main building?
Employee: That's the one.
Supervisor: Why not use the one over here? You just like to waste time, don't you?
Employee: Actually, I like the soap better.
4708 Lacey Boulevard SE
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
9AM It Begins
Boss: Remember that time I hit you with chicken? Man, that was awesome. I was just glad it didn't happen your first day, becuase you would have quit or something...I'm still sorry about that, by the way.
Intern: It's okay. I like getting hit with chicken.
16 W. 19th Street
New York, NY
10AM A Stem Cell Smoothie Ought to Do the Trick
Supervisor: Here's the information about Alzheimer's to include in the news release I was telling you about.
Employee #1: I don't know anything about this release.
Supervisor: Oh? Oh no? Then who was I talking to about it?
Employee #2: Hey, it's ironic that you don't remember who you were talking to about the Alzheimer's information.
Supervisor: Oh, ha, ha, ha! Yes!...So, you can just use this information for the release.
Employee #1: Okay, but I still don't know what you're talking about.
Supervisor: Hmm...Hey, isn't it ironic that I don't remember who I was talking to about an Alzheimer's release?
161 Ottawa Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Beth Marie
12PM Either Be Weekly or Not at All, I Say
Warehouse supervisor: Hey, I have to start having these bi-weekly meetings now...
Sales chick: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Warehouse supervisor: Tell me about it. Anyway, is there anything you can think of that I need to address? ... Bi -- that means every other week, right?
Sales chick: Um, yeah.
Warehouse supervisor: I just don't like that word. Bi. It just sounds wrong.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM But I Won't Let It Spoil My Peyote High
Manager: Your breath alcohol came back at point 09. We are going to have to term your contract, and you can get a taxi to go get your stuff out of your truck and find a way home.
Driver: That's a bummer.
7238 Western Select Drive
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: I'm Having a Good Day!
10AM Sample Sale
Buyer: It's great. We bought a ton of old Levi's jeans dirt cheap, scuffed them up, and are selling them for two hundred dollars apiece.
Store manager: That's genius! How much are we paying you again?
729 East Lancaster Road
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Genevieve
3PM Covering All the Bases
Employee: We just need the style guide to spell out everything, in complete detail. It's mainly for like, legal reasons; to cover our bases.
Intern trainee: Oh. So I guess it's like how blow-dryer labels say "do not put in mouth while in use." Not like it's a pressing issue, but there's always that one retard that's gonna fuck shit up.
Employee: Uh...sure.
Intern: OK, cool. As long as I'm getting this.
777 San Marin Drive
Novato, California
Overheard by: Max Guevara
1PM Call on Line One
Receptionist: [Jake] from Queer Image is on line one for you.
Coworker: [Jake] from where?
Receptionist: Queer Image.
Coworker: Queer Image?
Receptionist: Uh-huh.
Coworker, giggling, picks up call: [Jake], what company did you say you were calling from? Ohhhhh, CLEAR Image.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: She cracks me up, and she's not even trying
10AM Product Meeting
Peon: Well, you know as they say, "Necessity is the mother of all invention."
Boss: That's cool, did you just make that up?
800 E. 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: jearu
12PM Personal Call
The boss is at his desk playing a video game when a co-worker approaches.
Co-worker: Do you mind if I step outside for a moment to make a personal call?
Boss: Can't it wait? We're not paying you to do nothing.
510 South 52nd Street
Tempe, Arizona
1PM But I Understand That Hooters Girls Can Be Scary
Senior director to group of scientists: Well, it's not like they're just licking each other's boobies!
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: marblecargirl
2PM Implement Deadlines
Boss: This project is pretty ugly, so I'm giving it to you.
Employee: Aw, I didn't get you anything.
60 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM IT Meeting
IT Manager: Yeah, he named all of his functions after fish. He was a brilliant programmer, so we let it slide.
149 Cambridge Street
Boston, Massachusetts
7AM Seems They Installed the Office Catapult
Bos: So, do you lift weights?
New guy: Uh, yeah, sometimes.
Boss: Because man, I'd hate to run into your chest at 40 miles an hour!
Co-worker: Why would that ever happen?
1710 Roy Acuff Place
Nashville, Tennessee
10AM Quick, Pass Me That Cigar
Boss #1: You going to mass to get your ashes done?
Boss #2: Oh, Jesus, I forgot all about that! Is it Ash Wednesday?
Tennessee
10AM Remember Our Talk about "In Work" and "Out Of Work" Conversations?
President, referring to company's succession plan: I just want to hold out until it gets turned over to you guys. I want to see you guys take it.
Assistant: You see us take it every day.
Rodeo Park Drive
Santa Fe, New Mexico
1PM How Wrong Would You Like It to Be?
Production manager: All I'm saying, Betty*, is do something, even if it's wrong!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
12PM I Beg Your Pardon
Coworker: So, when a new client comes in we lock them up in the Olive Garden.
Manager, after a moment: You mean 'walled garden'?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I am hungry
3PM I Don't Need a Gel Mousepad -- I've Got Breast Implants
Male paralegal : No one's gonna use it but me. I'll hide it.
Female secretary: What?
Male paralegal: But I'll let you feel it.
8133 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: WTF is he talking about
2PM Why She Cuts the Brake-Lines on All of Her Employees' Cars
Bridal manager to front desk receptionist: Yes, I understand it's difficult to be yelled at by 30 consultants, but let's think back to last year after you were almost killed in that car accident -- wouldn't you have been lucky to be yelled at by just two consultants?
Bridal store
New York, New York
11AM Rumsfeld: Damn!
Economist: It's not my fault -- I know how to circulate a memo.
Supervisor: Well, don't think you're putting that on your resume.
Government building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: highly qualified
10AM The New-Hire
Supervisor sniffles and rubs eyes.
Brand new employee: Do you have allergies?
Supervisor: No, I am crying because you work here.
1701 16th Avenue
Gainesville, Florida
1PM Full Department Meeting
Head of department: Can someone give an example of a person in the department going above and beyond the call of duty?
Woman: [Jane]. She does so much, not just for our group, but for other groups as well. I don't think there's anyone in the department [Jane] hasn't serviced.
1200 12th Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
12PM Production Meeting
Project Manager: I'm working on Chronic Constipation and should be done with it later today. How is Ulcerative Colitis coming along?
Multimedia Developer: Good. Should have it for you tomorrow for review. What's up with Vaginal Discharge?
3339 Ward Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
7PM It Was Sacked During the War
Peon: Did you know there's a Ballsville, Virginia?
Ops manager: Yeah. It's right in this office.
400 Westfield Road
Charlottesville, Virginia
4PM Of Course You Do
CSR: What time is it?
Manager: Look at your computer. See those numbers in the lower left-hand corner? That's the time.
CSR: Oh. Well, what I need to know is, what time is it in Guam?
3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: George
10AM And I Don't Want to Be Distracted by the Hypnotic Movement of Your Fat
Fat male boss: So, how are you feeling these days?
Slim, seven-months-pregnant admin assistant: Pretty good, but my back is starting to hurt a little from the 17 pounds I've gained.
Fat male boss: You know, you're going to want to watch that. That weight isn't easy to take off once you've put it on.
Zeeland, Michigan
Overheard by: So glad I no longer work for him
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Did you hear what Gwyneth Paltrow named her new baby?
Peon: Yeah, Moses. That's old news.
Boss: I wonder what she'll name the next one.
Peon: Well, it looks like she's going in order from the Bible. It'll probably be Caleb or Joshua.
Boss: You sure know a lot about the Bible for someone who's not religious.
Peon: I worked in a church for two years, it's hard not to pick something up.
Boss: Oh yeah? My mother's worked in a church for twenty years, and the only thing she's picked up is drinking.
800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: jearu
3PM Pee Party
Manager #1: I was looking for you.
Manager #2: All right. Well I gotta go to the bathroom so give me a minute.
Manager #1: I do too; I'll just come with you.
Worker: Hey guys, can I come too?
Manager #2: Sure, everyone can come. Come on everyone, we're having a pee party!
1700 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM Update Site
Business Services Manager: I just sent you that logo in Word format.
Web Manager: Word isn't really an image format, but I can probably make it work.
Business Services Manager: Well, I probably have it in another format. I think I might have it as a Giraffe.
211 Commerce Street
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM Order Staplers from OfficeMax
Co-worker: Oh, there's my stapler! I was looking for it.
Boss: Actually it's my stapler. I own this company; everything here is mine. I'm just letting you keep it at your desk.
1718 Villa Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
12AM The Passion of the Supervisor
Boss: I need this like I need a second crucifixion.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Attention HR Department: Go Get Your Guns
Boss: So I hear you had a record streak of sleeping with 16 straight women on the first date.
Worker: Yes.
Boss: So what did you do to #17 who broke the streak?
Worker: I slapped her.
Boss: Wow.
450 7th Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Tales from the Car Dealership
Manager: Tell him we can sell it to him for 15,500.
Sales Rep: But we own it for, like, 21,600!
Manager: I know! But he ain't gonna buy it anyway!
Sales Rep: But what if he says "I'll take it!"? Then what?
Manager: Then you're fucked!
Sales Rep: Why am I fucked?
Manager: Cause you're the one telling him it's 15-fucking-5!
3243 Paxton Street
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Doug Pintarch
2PM Personnel Changes
Manager to department head: That guy is a real Einstein, why did you hire him?
Department head: I didn't hire him, you did. I call him Einstein.
Manager: You gonna fire him?
Department head: Can't, you hired him, you gotta fire him.
Manager: Hey, Einstein! Come here for a minute.
Einstein comes up to manager.
Manager: Einstein, anyone ever tell you that you are sharp as a marble?
Einstein: Gee, no, thanks!
Manager: Einstein, you are just too sharp for this job, I have to let you go.
Einstein: GEE! Thanks!
12 Oaks Mall
Novi, Michigan
6AM That's Quite a Cyberporn Collection
Manager: There is something on the drive that is taking up 5 gig of space.
Employee: What's taking it up?
Manager: I don't know.
Employee: Things that make you go hmmmmmm.
Manager: What?
777 West Putnam Avenue
Greenwich, Connecticut
Overheard by: Ballsalamode
12PM Power Means Never Having to Be Coherent
Boss: Why didn't you have a cover letter on the copy to the client?
New employee: I didn't know I was supposed to have one. I didn't think to ask if I needed it.
Boss: From now on, if you don't know the question, you should ask it.
1700 66th Street
St. Petersburg, Florida
1PM Lunch
Underling: These people were home users. We also have data for work users, but they shouldn't be double-counted in the combined numbers.
Boss: I am definitely going to Taco Bell tonight.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
10AM She Used to Be Rather Restrained
Newlywed coworker: I am all about leather.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Many Computer Users Are Like Cargo Cultists
Old female boss, struggling with computer: My-- What's wrong with my-- Does anyone know what's the problem with my--
Worker: --What's the question?!
Old female boss: My mouse doesn't work.
Worker: So how long were you going to sit there moving it around on your desk?
Old female boss: Well, it's not working! [Worker sighs loudly, turns back to his computer.]
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
3PM Except That My First Is to Learn to Write
Lowly assistant: We are supposed to have our monthly, quarterly, and annual goals prepared for Tuesday's meeting.
Lawyer: Really? Tell the office manager to send me everyone else's goals.
Office manager: I probably won't have them before the meeting.
Lawyer: But I don't know what my goals are.
1500 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: It's Comcastic
9AM Back at Work
Manager: Are you doing okay? I've noticed you've seemed overwhelmed lately.
Smacking noises and paper shuffling
Assistant: Hmm? Oh, I'm okay. I just can't find my purple posties.
Manager: Well, i just don't want you to get frustrated and quit. We value you.
More smacking and agitated paper shuffling.
Assisant: Well, if i wasn't busy, you wouldn't need me. Where are those purple posties?
Manager: Don't worry about the purple post-its right now. I'm asking how you are doing.
Lots of shuffling noises and frantic paper shuffling.
Assistant: I'm fine!
Manager: Are you sure, you really seem stressed.
Still shuffling
Assistant: I'd be doing a lot better if i could find my damn purple posties!
Manager: I'll come back
Minutes later after lots of loud thuds and much desk smacking and paper shuffling. . .
Assistant: Heey! Here they are! Okay, I'm good now!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Budgets Due
Supervisor: Are these numbers right?
Employee: Yeah, I double-checked.
Supervisor: The sales manager said that they were under budget!
Employee: Well, numbers don't lie. Salespeople do.
17777 Center Court Drive
Cerritos, California
9AM Back to Work
Supervisor: Okay, let me give you some advice. I've seen a lot of Lifetime movies, and--
Employee: You know, I think I gotta ask someone else about this. Thanks, though!
107 Jackson Street
Berea, Kentucky
4PM Snowmobiling?
Worker: Can I take the rest of the day off?
Boss: LetmethinkaboutthatNo.
Worker: Don't you want to hear why?
Boss: No.
Worker: Some of the guys are going snowmobiling and I wanted to meet up with them...
Boss: What do you think this is, a resort?
Worker: If it were a resort, I wouldn't have to leave; there'd be things to do.
900 Simpson Street
Saint Paul, Minnesota
9AM I Knew It I Knew It I Knew It
Systems Engineer: How long will it take for you to implement [the customer]'s changes?
Engineer: About two-three weeks. So four weeks.
Systems Engineer: Good. And how long will it take you to make your changes?
Intern: Well, I already did it, and it took an hour.
Systems Engineer: Okay, I'll tell them five weeks total.
1440 N. Fiesta Boulevard
Gilbert, Arizona
10AM Good to Know the Handshaking Rules -- Thanks!
Lawyer: No, no, men can't touch women, but women can touch men.
Paralegal: Oh, okay. Didn't know.
Lawyer: Yeah, but whatever.
Law office
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Pointless Temp
5PM Wait -- What?
Worker bee: Did somebody clean over here?
Manager: Yeah. Remember that day you took a picture of my butt?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Straight to Voicemail
Attorney: Hey Jordan*, what have you done for me lately?
Jordan: Nothing, actually.
Attorney: Anything you do for the boss, you do for me!
Jordan: Well in that case, I've been avoiding your phone calls lately.
4 Times Square
New York, New York
Overheard by: Just looking...
9AM Back to Work
Boss: How come you're late?
Employee: I had a hard time deciding which eyeshadow looked best with blood shot eyes.
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
1PM Lunch
Manager: These monitors that you are getting rid of; are they any good?
Tech: They are a little fuzzy.
Manager: "A little fuzzy"? What's "a little fuzzy"?
Tech: You know, like a hamster.
90 Sherman Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
3PM Smoke Break
Manager: Did you just hear that catfight? Everyone is stressed. We need to go do something fun.
Co-worker: Yeah. We need to go drinking and then they need to take off their clothes and have a pillow fight.
3755 Mansell Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
9AM Only Eight More Hours of This
Manager: Good morning ladies. What are you whispering about?
Secretary #1 & #2: You.
11909 Spencer Road
Houston, Texas
9AM Here They Go
Co-worker: Here comes trouble.
Boss: Get back in your box and shut the lid.
Co-worker: I *am* in my box. I was just sitting here and you came in my box!
10398 Pacific Center Court
San Diego, California
11AM Go Through Inbox
Manager: How're you doing? You're not overworked, are you? I'm not giving you too much to do, am I?
Worker-bee: No, I'm okay...
Manager: Good, because I'm just going to keep giving you stuff to do until you tell me to fuck off.
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Why Simon Says is Only Fun in Kindergarten
Supervisor: Go to your computer and pull up the client file you showed me earlier, the one that was wrong. I need to show it to the IT people.
Worker: I can't because I deleted it.
Supervisor: Why did you delete it?
Worker: Because you told me to.
Supervisor: Don't do what I tell you! Do what I say.
Franklin Square
Springfield, Illinois
12AM 15% is Customary
Jet-Setting boss: I have to go to fucking Appleton, Wisconsin. Appleton, Wisconsin! What am I going to do there?
Secretary: Well, there's always cow-tipping.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM But the Memories Keep Me Warm at Night
Boss who looks like a leprechaun: Once, a few years ago when I got my hair cut I was stopped twice in a span of six months on the street by people telling me I looked just like Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Shocked employee: Really?
Boss: Well, that was before my face got fat... Never happened again, though.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: WantsToChokeTheBoss
1PM I've Sacked Plenty of Clemson Graduates, Though
Lobbyist, accompanying CEO: Clemson football games are wonderful. Saturday afternoon games down there are great.
Staffer: Yes, they were a lot of fun.
Lobbyist, to CEO: Have you ever watched a Clemson game?
CEO, nonchalantly turning to leave: No, they never played Yale.
Washington, DC
4PM Since Most of the People We Deal with Are Essentially Potted Plants
Sales guy, about customer: She's an idiot.
Customer service manager: Awesome!
4755 Walnut Street
Boulder, Colorado
9AM It's a Series of Limericks, Each Filthier Than the Last
Branch manager: I'm sending you an e-mail.
Cube rat #1: Thanks...
Cube rat #2: You're one of those people, huh?
Branch manager: Ha, no, but he'll like this.
Cube rat #2: Is it a funny one about a cat?
Branch manager: No!
Cube rat #2: Drat.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Getting Things Done
Boss: Where the hell were you? I need to call someone.
Assistant: I was in the bathroom.
Boss: But I needed you.
Assistant: You told me to be more efficient, so when nature called, I answered on the first ring.
151 El Camino Drive
Beverly Hills, California
9AM Is That a BlackBerry in Your Pocket?
Employee: Is that you vibrating?
Supervisor: Yeah, I'm happy to see you.
1801 E. 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
12AM Attention to Detail Gets You to the Top
Bank teller: Are you sure you sent the wire?
Branch manager: Yeah. I sent it to Sweden. Or Switzerland. Or some country that starts with an "S".
1281 Fulton Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Bee
5PM You Can See the Blue Screen of Death behind Her Eyes
Office wench: I ordered those things you wanted!
Boss: Did you?
Office wench: I think...
Boss: Thanks.
513 Progress Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: cubical dweller
10AM Or the One Who Shot Harry Whittington in the Face?
Boss lady: I see a dinosaur.
Minion: Is that the same one that made you break your arm?
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: L.J
3PM I'm Thinking Something Circular with Red and Blue Concentric Rings
Manager: We really need some good ideas that senior management can throw darts at.
Underling: Hmmm...
Manager: Yeah, they don't know what they want, but they'll know when they see it. Then they'll have something to throw darts at.
San Diego, California
12PM They Save the Real Lobster for the Paying Customers
Interviewer: When I was visiting the Culinary Institute in Hyde Park, the chefs created a lobster sorbet that was really interesting. Did you have to make it when you went to school there?
Candidate: Yeah, that shit is the cat's litter.
Interviewer, confused: Really?
3350 Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
9AM Back to Work
Male co-worker : Is that Elaine* I hear? Does she want to see my tool?
Pause
Boss: Would you like to re-phrase that?
3001 8th Avenue
Evans Colorado
9AM It Begins Again
Boss: Where the fuck is my breakfast? Why hasn't it been delivered yet? I'm not even hungry anymore, I could have raised my own fucking chicken for the eggs and planted my own fucking orange tree by now.
Worker: You didn't order anything with eggs.
135 West 36th Street
New York, NY
11AM Staff Meeting
Manager: ...And this paper has a timeline for the changes that will benefit you in the coming months.
Employee: So this is kindling for the smoke you're blowing up our asses?
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
11AM Party Planning
Worker: So the Christmas party is mandatory?
Boss: Of course not, but if you don't show you'll probably be ostracized.
Worker: ...And I have to sign a waiver to drink?
Boss: Do you think a company of lawyers would let everyone drink, then drive, and not cover their asses?
962 Coronado Boulevard
Universal City, Texas
10AM Review
Worker: Can you review this for me?
Manager: Why are you asking me all the time?
Worker: Because you're my team leader.
Manager: There are no team leaders anymore.
Worker: What? Yes, there are.
Manager: No, there aren't.
Worker: Well, I asked [Jesse] yesterday, and he said he couldn't do it because he wasn't my team leader. Why would he say that if there aren't team leaders anymore?
Manager: Because he didn't want to do your review.
137 Iroquois Avenue
Essex Junction, Vermont
3PM Coffee Break
Boss: Your brother is Wiccan?
Drone: Yes.
Boss: So he does magic?
Drone: He likes to think so.
Boss: And he's not Christian?
Drone: ...No.
Boss: So he can do whatever he wants? Like kill someone?
Drone: ...No, he still has to abide by the laws of the land.
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Be Warned, Dear Reader, There Is a Cumming, Georgia
Secretary: Oh, come on. You can do more than you can do.
Boss: I try... It just won't work.
Cumming, Georgia
2PM That's the Coroner Office
Boss on phone: No, no, no, the corner office. Not the one with the goat beard!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Back to Work
Cleanup worker: How many days have I been to work on time?
Supervisor: 136 days straight.
Cleanup worker: Gosh, I'm halfway to breaking my old record of 189.
613 Harrison Avenue
Panama City, Florida
2PM Get Receipts to Billing
Boss: Did you find that receipt?
Underling: No, it's not in the receipt file. I checked every receipt for the last six months. It's not there.
Boss: Why don't you look again?
Underling: I knew you'd ask, so I looked twice already. It's not there. Is there somewhere else that you put receipts?
Boss: No, only the receipt file. But if it's not in there, it's not a big deal. Later today, if you have time, why don't you look again in the file?
Underling: Okay, but if it's not there now, it won't be there later.
Boss: Yeah okay, but why don't you just look again?
1028 East Private Road 1200 North
Farmersburg, Indiana
5PM Here's the Weekend
Manager: Have a good weekend.
Underling: You're leaving?
Manager: You're not.
452 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Bob
9AM The Mornings Keep Coming
Secretary: Good morning, Mr. [Stirner].
Caseworker: Good morning. Oh shit! What happened to your hair?
Secretary: Nothing, why?
Caseworker: Everytime I see you, your hair is a different color. what color will it be tomorrow?
Secretary: I haven't decided. What color do you suggest? Green, purple, gold?
815 Broadway
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: BabyGirl
3PM Christmas Party (Cont'd)
Boss: I'm getting nailed to the wall here, guys! C'mon! I'm not Jesus Christ! Help me out!
3211 Jermantown Road
Fairfax, Virginia
Overheard by: Genevieve
5PM Calling It a Day!
Underling: You've got mail!
Financial Analyst: I don't know that person. All right, I'll take it.
Underling: There was some white powder in there, but I smelled it; it seemed fine.
Financial Analyst: Well, that's good. Terrorists don't use anthrax anymore.
Underling: Just family and friends now, huh? Excellent.
27 Terrace Drive
Vernon, Connecticut
9AM Darkest Before the Dawn
Boss: We will be taken off the internet. It is slowing down productivity.
5 minutes pass.
Worker #1: ...What will I do all day?
Worker #2: Work.
Worker #1: Ha, ha! Whatever.
3275 Steinway Street
Astoria, New York
9AM Don't Put Him to Sleep Until After the Raise
Employee: Why can't you just install that for me?
Supervisor: Because I'm not going to spend an hour out of my day installing this on your crappy computer only to find out that it still doesn't work and end up spending even more of my precious time trying to fix something that isn't fixable and wind up making my life hell by hearing you bitch about this all the time. Only to make you happy.
Employee: So, is that a no?
Supervisor: You're damn right it is.
Employee: Well, then can I just get a new computer so I won't have this problem?
Supervisor: Fine. Anything to get you off my back.
Employee: Can I get a raise?
Supervisor: Don't push it.
Employee: I think you need to take a nap.
1801 E. 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
7PM "Big Fat Kim" Doesn't Have the Same Ring
Managing Director: Hey, there's something wrong in my sister's account. Her street name is spelled wrong.
Assistant: Is she a rapper?
1999 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: oink
12PM When the Dimmest Screen in the Office Encounters the Brightest
Branch manager: Your monitor is so bright! I love it! It's got to be the brightest screen in this office!
Sales guy: Uhhh...
Branch manager: It's like a hospital computer or something! It's that bright!
Sales guy: ... Well, I was out sick last week...
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Wow! This adhesive is really on there!
Worker: Yes, adhesive does that.
Boss: No, but it's really, really stuck on. It's just like...glue, yeah. Just like glue.
Worker: Adhesive is glue.
Boss: ...It is just like glue.
855 Capitolio Way
San Luis Obispo, California
11AM Reports Due
Co-worker: I was trying to fix the report, but it is unedible.
Boss: It doesn't taste good?
222 Severn Avenue
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Tits McGee
3PM Birthday Cake!
Boss: And happy birthday to [Chris]. Today is his birthday
[Chris]: My birthday isn't today, it's in May.
Boss: This [planner] thing is useless.
Employee #2: It's only as good as what you put into it.
111 South Michigan Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan
3PM He's Secretly a Huge Cystic Fibrosis Fan
Office manager: Did you make an anonymous donation to our MS bike team?
Intern: I wish!
51st Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Why Mr. Ass's Employment Was Terminated During the Probationary Period
Boss: When will you be done with these?
Jackass: I dunno, all I have left is to finish.
Hudson, Wisconsin
12PM At the Johnny Carcinoma Show
Boss: So did you work things out?
Intern: Yeah, I talked to him when I dropped the tumor off.
Martin Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: sleeping with my eyes open
2PM Diversity Initiative
Secretary: Hey, I haven't seen you for a while. You been on vacation?
Associate: No, I've been here.
Secretary: I just love running into you. You look just like that guy from Whose Line Is It Anyway. That black guy...What's his name?
Associate: Oh, really? No one's ever told me that before.
Secretary: It's ok, right? Because he's my favorite.
1425 K Street NW
Washington DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
1PM Sorting Mail
CSR: I just got one of those uh, uh, NAFTA things. What does that stand for? National Automobile--
Supervisor: Um, I think it's North American Free Trade Agreement. Or Association. One of those two.
CSR: Are you sure it's not National Automobile something?
Supervisor: I think you're thinking of NASCAR?
CSR: Ahh, yes.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, NewJersy
Overheard by: office peon
11AM Beta Testing
CIO: That's okay, I had typed out several comments on how stupid this was. However, I deleted them when I realized you might dig into the history and find out I was the idiot who requested them.
Peon: A CIO with a sense of humor is a dangerous thing.
2301 Maguire Boulevard
Columbia, Missouri
11AM Sales Meeting
Head of sales: You came to this meeting on Monday morning and you know I'm going to be asking questions. So even if you don't know the answers, make some shit up. You're in sales, you have to sell, so make shit up!
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM I Call Mine "Python"
Boss: What should we call it? Try thinking animal names.
Employee #1: What about "Kumquat"?
Employee #2: A kumquat isn't an animal.
Boss: I like your thinking though.
45 Main Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
12PM Nobody Who Says 'Languish' Would Ever Get Promoted in the US
Boss: So, I have a problem with giving you the job, even though I know you can do it.
Worker: What's the issue?
Boss: You seem to be annoyed with us, and you're not upbeat enough after what happened.
Worker: What happened is that I lived the values, delivered on everything, then the organization totally screwed me over, gave my job to someone else, and left me to languish for a year with no certainty about my future. Now you're saying you can't give me another job because you've been such dickheads?
Boss: I know it sounds bad.
388 George Street
Sydney, Australia
10AM ... Which Peter in Accounting Then Buys from Us. [We Don't Ask.]
New intern taking tour of company warehouse: So, you said that we have a lifetime guarantee on all the clothes that we send out?
Warehouse manager: Oh, yeah, we guarantee all our merchandise. We'll even return underwear that's been soiled.
Plainfield, Indiana
4PM Transcribing
Supervisor: Just do whatever's easier for you.
Word processor: It's easiest to do it this way, 'cause then I don't have to think.
Supervisor: Well, you want to think a little bit...
Word processor: Nah, not really.
1 World Financial Center
New York, New York
1PM Dessert
Boss: Never put two cranky diabetics in the same room together. All you'll get is '"fuck this," "shit this," and "blood sugar that!"
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: shaun
9AM Back to Work
Supervisor to dark-skinned Indian employee: Were you out much this weekend? You are so tan.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
12PM Reviews Due
Manager: How has his performance been since we counseled him last June?
Subordinate: He's been real good. He did a complete 350.
7801 Park Place Road
York, South Carolina
Overheard by: K. Boss
1PM Going Away Party
Manager: Everybody hide and don't make any noise.
Employee: Um, we're in a cube. Exactly where do you want us to go?
Manager: Under the tables and behind the privacy screens. Now everyone shut up.
Employee: Considering John sits right next to this cube and these dividers aren't soundproof, this smoke and mirrors trick really is a failure.
7 Times Square
New York, NY
1PM You Had to Axe?
Supervisor: I smelled bad today so I sprayed myself with a lot of deodorant.
Co-worker: You know what we call doing that back home?
Supervisor: Normal?
3350 Pine Avenue
Long Beach, California
12AM It's Went From Clever to Dated to Forgotten
Boss: You can't handle the truth!
Co-worker: Is that from a movie?
Boss: Yeah. You know: You can't handle the truth!
Co-worker: Mmm, don't know that one.
31 Hillman Avenue
Ewing, New Jersey
Overheard by: Susan Harrison
12AM Conscientiousness Means Attention to Detail
Manager: Marcy, have you seen the trucking report for last month?
Marcy: No.
Manager: What do you mean you haven't seen it? It was on your desk.
Marcy: Well, I think I almost saw it...
1000 River Road
Essex Junction, Vermont
10AM Sitdown with HR
Boss: ...Right where a woman belongs!
Co-worker: Where's that, [Kevin]?
Boss: In the kitchen!
Co-worker: Oh, you did not just say that!
Boss: No, you're right...I didn't.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker: Dude, come look at my cubicle.
Manager: You mean you weren't working?
Worker: No, I had to decorate.
1700 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM Outlook Training
Secretary: What does it do when it archeeves my email?
Boss: Are you serious?
Secretary: I mean, where does it go after it's done archeeving?
Boss: Oh god.
5353 McCurry Road
Roscoe, Illinois
3PM Prepare Speech
Manager: What does the word "nugatory" mean?
Employee: I don't know but it sounds important.
Manager: I'll see if I can slip it into my next talk to staff, they won't know the difference.
North Terrace
Adelaide, South Australia
11AM No, I Still Work Here
Boss: Do you know what the difference between you and me is?
Employee: About 20 IQ points and a sense of style?
1 Lincoln Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: tried not to laugh out loud
9AM Back to Work
Boss: We are a team. If you tell me that you cannot work on your day off, then you are not being a very good team member.
1119 N. Brown
Casa Grande, Arizona
Overheard by: Alisa
1PM Making Copies
Secretary: Why are these reports formatted so weird?
Boss: Well, because the Germans made them. Those Germans are weird.
Secretary: Hey, now... Be careful, I'm German.
Boss: Uh oh, you're not a lesbian too, are you?
Secretary: Well, I'm not really German.
Main Street Financial Office
East Hartford, Connecticut
10AM Team Meeting
Manager: We will have a meeting later on to make sure everyone is happy.
Employee: But today is [Kelly]'s turn to be happy, not mine...I can pretend to be happy.
8 The Grove
Slough, Berkshire
UK
10AM Price Shredders
Assistant: Yeah, we need one of those industrial-sized--
Director: Oh, I know, you can shred a baby in one of those things!
1050 Thomas Jefferson Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM Company Meeting
Employee #1: So you're saying the rumors about the possible merger aren't true?
Board Member: Yes. It's like we're dating. We're going out but we haven't kissed yet.
Employee #2: You may not have kissed yet, but it sure seems like you're sleeping together.
1500 Wallace Boulevard
Amarillo, Texas
5PM Here's the Weekend
Boss #1: Well, do you have a broomstick?
Boss #2: No, but I guess I could just use my fist.
444 Spear Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: erikrand
3PM Snack Break
Boss: Hey everyone! It's the annual popcorn tin.
Employee: Ooh! I love popcorn tins.
Boss: Yeah, but you're lookin' a little fat, so we're gonna keep it away from you.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
1PM Too Much Speed Makes You Want to Get to Work
Worker: I need to go home, I think I have caffeine poisoning.
Boss: Caffeine poisoning?
Worker: Yeah, I think the coffee made me sick.
Boss: Is it like being on too much speed?
810 Dominican Drive
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM Get New Budgets
Boss: Do you receive that on paper or Excel spreadsheet?
Employee: I receive it on electronical format.
285 Primrose Lane
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Sam
12PM Lunch
RVP: Hey, I thought you were out sick today.
Sales manager: Nope, I was just tired.
RVP: [peeved] Nice.
Sales manager: Hey, you brought me here for my brutal honesty.
8833 W. Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
2PM Debriefing
Creative director: Alright, nice work, guys.
Designer: Before you leave, can I grab you real quick--
Creative director: Depends on where.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM Project Meeting
Employee: I figured out a good way to make our guests happy.
Manager: How's that?
Employee: Remorseless lying.
1939 Dixie Highway
Fort Wright, Kentucky
9AM Back to Work
Supervisor: We have a call-out
Boss: Why's he calling out?
Supervisor: Says his house caught fire.
Boss: Bullshit! Tell him we want a pic of him fighting the fucking fire! Then we'll authorize the call-out!
731 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: RedManInc
10AM RFP Due
Director: Thanks for all your help on that project.
Peon: No problem...It's not like I had a choice.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
10AM Schedule Comp Time
Employee: I worked 12 hours over this month, so I have some comp time on the books. I need to use 30 minutes of that tomorrow so I can leave a little early to go to the doctor.
Boss: Well, I don't think that's going to work. There are only 5 other people here that afternoon, and I am taking a two hour lunch tomorrow.
1600 Charleston Avenue
Mattoon, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: What are you doing? Catching up on your celebrity gossip?
Employee #2: Scientology today, actually.
Employee #1: I'll join if you join!
Employee #3: Already a member.
Middle Manager: All of you shut up. Trying to have a silent birth over here.
3810 Wabash Drive
Mira Loma, California
Overheard by: Office Derelict
11AM Presentation
Manager: Will you guys stop talking during my presentation?
Underling: I wasn't talking, I was asleep...
Abingdon Science Park
Abingdon, Oxfordshire
UK
12PM Networking Workshop
Boss: Well, apparently he has a girlfriend who may be going through cancer treatments. But you can still be friends with him, it's good to have connections.
Secretary: What? No! I don't need any more friends. She has cancer? God, I can't compete with that, forget it.
321 Walnut Street
Green Cove Springs, Florida
9AM Back to the Madness
Supervisor: Don't worry, [the new procedure] is not that confusing.
Employee: I'm not confused, I always look like this.
202 C Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Emery Ann Harris
3PM More Telling Words Were Never Spoken
Manager #1: Are we meeting sometime, today?
Manager #2: We already met.
Manager #1: Oh. Did I miss anything important?
Manager #2: Well, you missed the meeting.
19 N. 6th Street
Reading, Pennsylvania
2PM But the Odds Must Be Bigger
Assistant: This Rubik's cube is a little harder than this one.
Manager: Actually they're the same, one's just smaller.
Assistant: Yeah, but this one's harder to solve...
Manager: No, I mean mathematically it's exactly the same.
2301 M Street, NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Tobias
5PM Hitting F5 at The Washington Post
Boss: How's your work coming along?
Employee: Umm, well 98% of the time I don't do anything but refresh my email...but that's going well.
1150 15th Street
Washington, DC
4PM Progress: Driving in Circles in an Ever Faster Rate
Superior: I'm going to need you to drive me around the block and then drop me back off here.
Underling: But what about this fax?
Superior: The receptionist can do it, this is urgent.
1218 Webster Street
Houston, Texas
10AM He's Still Using a Sundial
Boss: Call England and find out what time it is.
Assistant: Call who in England? England is 5 hours ahead of us, so it's 4:17 there.
Boss: Can you please listen to what I have to say and just call England? I need to be sure.
Assistant, two minutes later: I called England, and it's 4:19.
Boss: See, it pays to double check. You were 2 minutes off.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
12PM Fax Info
Supervisor: I need you to fax this enrollment form to the dental insurance company right away.
Peon: Shouldn't I make a copy first?
9111 Duke Boulevard
Mason, Ohio
4PM Get New Wireless Card
IT #1: Okay, I'll set up one of my extra workstations and get a wireless card for it.
IT #2: Can you get a card easily?
IT #1: Oh sure, they're only about 50 bucks. I can get petty cash.
Manager: So we have to go through you. Why can't [Claude] get it?
IT #2: Because I have to go through too many layers of management and red tape.
Manager: For an old computer and a $50 card?
IT #1: Yeah, this place is like a prison. It's all about who can trade cigarettes for a sharp shiv.
Manager: Or who's around when you drop the soap...
525 Rudder Road
Fenton, Missouri
12PM Conference (Cont'd)
Manager: Okay everyone, here are some ways you can spot a shoplifter--
Associate: Just look for someone that looks like a Gypsy.
Manager: That's really not appropriate.
Associate: I'm telling you, they're all over Italy!
3200 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Cathie
1PM Lunch
The boss is laughing hysterically.
Peon: Are you okay?
Boss: I'm okay.
Peon: Are you sure?
Boss: I told you that I thought Wendy's spiked my Coke.
Peon: With what? Crack?
Boss: Spiked my Coke with crack!
3100 W. Lake Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM I Thought the Americans Were the Balmy Ones
Employee: Did you hear, there was another bombing on the subway in London?
Boss: I don't care how balmy it is in London, I wouldn't go over there right now.
217 10th Street
Brandon, Manitoba
Canadia
8AM At Yale University, To Boot
Boss lady: Wait a second...February....February...
Gay underling: Feb-ROO-ary
Boss lady: It has an R?
Gay underling: Two, in fact.
Boss lady: Great. I work in publishing.
302 Temple Street
New Haven, Connecticut
4PM Actually, It's a Generational Rorschach Test
Twentysomething new hire: Why is there a Harry Potter picture in our lobby?
Fortysomething manager: Actually that's a painting of John Lennon.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: Pop Culturally Literate
10AM 'Fuck You' Was More of a Request Than an Expletive
Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You're fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn't clocked in. You can't fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, 'You're fired,' and then clocks him out.
Employee: That's so unfair.
Circle Centre Mall
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM If the Goal Is to Go Home at Five, Then You're on the Right Track
Employee: Someone just called me. They said, "Hello," and asked if I could help them because they had a question. I didn't know what to do, so I said, "No," and hung up. Was that okay?
Boss: I guess that's one way of handling it.
US Patent and Trademark Office
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Why Me?
1PM One-on-One
The boss: Some people call it stupidity; I like to call it cleverness.
550 Dulany Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Toni
10AM Saying Hello
Boss: Hello Shannon*, how are you today?
Secretary: Just fine.
Boss: You keepin' outta trouble?
Secretary: Yes.
Boss: Oh... then you haven't heard...?
Secretary: What?!
Boss: Nothin'! I'm just messin' with ya!
1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Pirate Wench
1PM Quality Control
Supervisor: You can't be doing stuff wrong all the time.
Waitress: I'm not the only one doing stuff wrong. You do a lot wrong, too.
Supervisor: I can do more wrong because I do more right. It evens out.
1770 Mill Street
Wailuku, Hawaii
12PM Lunch
Supervisor, watching The Apprentice: I like that British guy, I hope he wins. Or that English guy. Wait, what's the difference?
Coworker: Are you kidding?
Supervisor: There's a difference, right? Do they want to be called something else?
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Erin Eff
4PM Call for an Ambulance
Boss: Did you see [Martha]'s eye?
Underling: No, why?
Boss: She's got pink eye.
Underling: Oh wow, that sucks.
Boss: I'm afraid.
Underling: Why?
Boss: [Martha] was looking at me all day.
Underling: What?
Boss: I can get pink eye if she looks at me, right?
Underling: I don't think pink eye is communicable via the act of looking.
8270 Greensboro Drive
McLean, Virginia
12PM Project Meeting
Manager: The first deadline is April 31st and second deadline is May 31st.
Employee: There's no 31st in April...So we have just one deadline.
Cyber Gateway building
HITEC City, Hyderabad
India
2PM Double Team Meeting
VP: So are you ready to service me yet?
Peon: Yes, I am ready to pleasure you now.
VP: Sounds good; is [Alex] ready too?
[Alex]: Yes, m'lady, I too am ready to provide you my services.
VP: Let's go get started in the blue room, then.
8441 Wayzata Boulevard
Golden Valley, Minnesota
Overheard by: Sam Racadabra
9AM Just Grit Your Teeth and Deal
Manager: Remember, the customer is always right.
Assistant manager: Right, except when they're wrong.
Manager: No, they're always right.
Assistant manager: Totally, except on the odd occasion when they're wrong.
Manager: ...you are so retarded...
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Catch Up on Paperwork
Service Manager: Really, you have to stop bring these back to me.
Office chick: No, you just need to do them right in the first place.
215 US Route 1
Falmouth, Maine
6PM Same Time Zone, Way Different Area Code
Employee: I just flew in from Spain yesterday, I'm totally jetlagged.
Department head: Spain? Is that in a different time zone?
4220 N. St. Louis Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Questions?
Manager: ... And that's why junkies are attractive.
1st Avenue South
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Django
1PM When I Increased the Size of My...Facilities, He Was Unable to Make Inventory
Manager on phone: Yeah, I broke up with him...Yeah, he was okay...Yeah...Yeah...But he just didn't scale.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: David
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant: Sir?
Boss: Don't talk to me. It's Game Seven.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Lindroid
4PM Smoke Break
Overlord: It's just like "Devil Went Down to Georgia" -- the devil clearly wins but, they try to sell it like Johnny did.
Underling #1: Oh, yeah, the devil clearly wins.
Underling #2: No, it's about the fiddle playing, you can't bring the band of demons into the mix. Johnny wins on fiddle playing.
Underling #1: I can see what you're saying but, the devil's flash takes it.
Overlord: Right, the groove is undeniable.
Underling #2: You know what, let's not have this discussion again. I don't want to be mad on a Friday afternoon.
2525 State Road
Bensalem, Pennsylvania
11AM Schedule Counseling
Boss: She's gone? And you're not going to be here tomorrow?
Secretary: Correct.
Boss: But I need counseling.
Designer: I agree!
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
12PM Follow Up with Buyer
Manager: Did you get a response back from that email you sent to the buyer yet?
Co-worker: No; I didn't ask her for one. She knew what action I took and if she didn't agree with me, she can call me.
Manager: No, no. You should always include "please advise" in the email, in case they don't receive the email.
8000 Bent Branch Drive
Irving, Texas
9AM It's a Bright, Sun-Shiny Day
Boss: Those are pretty. Who are they from?
Secretary: Myself. Sorry men send flowers. I don't need any sorry men in my life.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
12PM Weekly Meeting
Boss: So why did they start having this weekly meeting anyway?
Co-worker: It started out with all of us sitting around eating pizza, talking casually; you know, just shooting the fan.
525 East 68th Street
New york, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker: Crap. It's Wednesday afternoon and I already have Friday brain.
842 South 2nd Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM The Conversation is Exactly What It Sounds Like
Customer #1: Thanks for your generosity! I know we forced ourselves onto you.
Customer #2: Yes, it's just that it was so cute, so little, we couldn't resist!
Bossman: Well, it will be here whenever you want it.
9500 Owensmouth Avenue
Chatsworth, California
12AM A Rejected iTunes Promo
Co-worker #1: I don't really like music.
Co-worker #2: Oh, yeah?
Co-worker #1: I think there are only 200 good songs in the history of the world.
Co-worker #2: And the rest are crap?
Co-worker #1: Well...they are no good. I have downloaded 130 of the 200 from the net, but the others are too hard to find.
Co-worker #2: Ohhhhkay.
2300 Prospect Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
10AM Beyond a Reasonable Doubt
Attorney: Oh, god, not her. She is an insufferable hag. Tell her I'm not in the office.
Temp on phone: I'm sorry, ma'am, he's out of the office... Well, I apologize, but he's not here right now... Yes, I'm aware that lying to another attorney is unethical... Ma'am, you did not hear his voice in the background... No, I'm telling you, he's not here... Well, how do you know that was his voice? Couldn't it have been an intern or another attorney? ... Well if it sounded like him, who's to say his son isn't visiting today and that's whose voice you heard? Yes, I'll give him the message. Thank you.
Attorney: So... Have you considered law school?
Long Island law firm
Long Island, New York
1PM And I Thought I'd Erased Your Memory of That Incident
Owner: So, Gary*, did you ever tell Lou* that he could not get a check for any steel order we needed?
Gary: No, no, no, I have never done that.
Lou: What about last week?
Gary: Well, we didn't have any money then.
Provo, Utah
Overheard by: Poking my eyes out
9AM Back to Work
Employee: Welcome back. Are you feeling better?
Supervisor: Well, I am fully clothed.
1930 Bishop Lane
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Eve's Dropper
1PM Identifying Next Actions
Attorney: Well, that client is single now.
Secretary: Really?
Attorney: I'm going to have to lose 20 pounds. Bring me my pills.
415 South Ohio
Sedalia, Missouri
3PM Team-Building Activities
Paralegal: I hate looking at his face. Ruins my whole day.
Secretary: I know. I want to throw my shoe at him or something.
Paralegal: Ok, but can you make sure I'm there to see it?
overheard by: their boss
100 F Street
Washington, DC
2PM Collate Receipts
Boss: Find anything interesting?
Employee: Yeah. Mexicans are bad tippers...Sorry, that was racist. Spanish people are bad tippers.
1100 Vermont Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: adrone
12PM Sales Call
VP Sales: I'm big on giving it all up to the client. You know, easy access.
Peon: I've heard that about you.
716 Main Street
Boonton, New Jersey
11AM Call Building Maintenance
Assistant: If you want to see how dusty the floor is, just look at the heels on my shoes.
Project Manager: Oh, I thought you were telling me to look at your knees.
1100 West Anderson Court
Oak Creek, Wisconsin
5PM Out of Here
Peon: [Katie] said I'd be fired because of my hair.
VP: I don't fire people for having stupid hair.
500 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TC Ledger
1PM Lunch
Boss on phone: Is this the driver who stole money from us and owes me some collard greens?
3451 North Shadeland Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
11AM Schedule Conference Room for Next Week
Worker Bee: How many people do we have signed up so far?
Middle Manager: So far as have 35 RSTDs.
Worker Bee: Hmm, we should really stock up on more antibiotics.
1155 East 60th Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: eazy_e
1PM It's How He Got Invited to His Own Wedding Dinner
Boss: Paychecks didn't come again today. I can lend you money if you need it.
Employee: I have a wedding rehearsal dinner for 50 that I need to pay for this Thursday.
Boss: Well if I lend you the money to pay for it then I'm coming. Where is the dinner?
Employee: I'm not telling.
551 W. Cordova Road
Santa Fe, New Mexico
4PM Why You Should Never Engage Management
Cube dweller: Wow, look what I learned today!
Senior VP: What?
Cube dweller: I made a pulldown list in Excel!
Senior VP: So you have a lot of free time?...If you have free time, you need to see me right away. I told you I have projects for you.
101 California Street
San Francisco, California
4PM Check Classifieds
Boss: You shouldn't keep your desk so clean.
Analyst: You want me to make a mess on my desk before I leave every night?
Boss: It's a perception thing.
1 American Road
Cleveland, Ohio
9AM Honesty: The Best Way to Qualify for Unemployment
Bossman: Were you able to answer all of her questions?
Worker: No.
Bossman: Why?
Worker: Because I didn't know what to tell her!
9500 Owensmouth Avenue
Chatsworth, California
5PM A Very, Very Prescient Developer
QA Manager: Who hard-coded loss of revenue into our product?
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
12PM Back Up -- the Direction of the Earth's Axis?
Supervisor: We can't say 'Summer Solutions' on this brochure, because it might confuse people in California because it's summer all the time there. Any ideas of how to reword this?
Staffer: It's not summer all the time in California. It's summer during summer time.
Supervisor: But it's warm all year round, so how do they know it's summer? We need a way to explain that these things are only intended for the summer.
Staffer: But they still know what summer is, even if it's still warm during the other seasons.
Supervisor: I'm not sure about that...
Staffer: Summer isn't about temperature, it's about the direction of Earth's axis. Summer is always in June, July, and August. It always starts with the solstice in June.
Supervisor: I don't know anything about solstices and all that. Let's just reword this.
Staffer: But California still has a summer. I'm telling you, they know what summer is.
Supervisor: I don't know. They might get confused.
Staffer: Confused about what?
Supervisor: Confused about when summer is. Like, it's summer right now, 'cause it's been warm lately.
Staffer: No... April is in the spring.
Delaware
Overheard by: rofl in cube next door
1PM Production Services
Manager: Hey there... What are you doin?
Support: Just some really ugly updates to [client]'s website
Manager: Ahh, who cares as long as it's billable.
Support pauses. . .
Manager: It is billable, right?
8840 Commons Boulevard
Twinsburg, Ohio
4PM Doing Rounds
Nurse: What is the single dose of Kaletra?
Nurse manager: 400 and 100.
Nurse: So 500.
Nurse manager: 400 and 100
Nurse: Right. So 500?
Nurse manager: 400 and 100.
Nurse: So wouldn't 400 and 100 be 500?
Nurse manager: Well obviously you would get 500; I thought you could just do the math all on your own.
550 North University Blvd
Indianapolis, Indiana
2PM Install Small/Big File Cabinets
Worker: I ordered the 7 inch folders.
Boss: We don't need 7 inches; that's big.
Worker: 7 inches isn't big at all, it's really small.
975 Merriam Avenue
Leominster, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Crystal Geslak
8AM You're Not Really Making Him Gruntled
Boss: I was out at the corporate office yesterday. Do you know who was asking about you?
Worker: No, who? Who?
Boss: No one!
303 Roslyn Road
Mineola, New York
Overheard by: Jeff Bailey
2PM Wait until He Hears Why They're Representing Him
Attorney reading medical report: Sue*, is this right?
Sue, the paralegal: Yup. Sure is.
Attorney: But... Why does it say 'Christina*' on this set of reports, and 'Christopher' on this set?
Sue, patting attorney on back: Read it all the way through, you'll get it.
Attorney, from rear office five minutes later: Oh, lord... He's... I mean, she's... I mean... Sue? Can you come in here, please?
Sue, yelling across the office: Did you see the pictures yet?
Attorney: What?! There are pictures?! Where...? Oh, my good god! Sue!
Law office, Broadway
New York, New York
9AM The Alpha Male Restores Order in the Pack with a Show of Aggression
Sales guy slamming down phone: Fucking bitch.
Boss: Tell me you didn't just slam the phone down on our biggest billing client.
Sales guy: What? She couldn't hear that.
Boss: What the fuck are you talking about?! I get the phone slammed down on me all the time -- I fucking hear it.
Sales guy: Yeah, I guess maybe she could hear it.
Boss, picking up phone: Call me.
Sales guy, getting very nervous: No, it's okay. I'm sorry.
Boss: Fucking call me. I said call me! Fucking do it now! [Sales guy calls. Boss starts slamming his receiver against his desk screaming] Can you fucking hear that?! Huh?! Can you fucking hear it, bitch?!
Sales guy: I hear it, boss, I hear it. Please, please stop.
Cleveland Street
Valley Stream, New York
Overheard by: amused coworker
12PM Plan New Office
Boss: Hey, can you help me? I need to make a floor plan for the new office.
Underling: Yeah, sure. What are the dimensions?
Boss: It's 10,000 square feet.
Underling: Yeah, but what are the dimensions?
Boss: What do you mean? It's 10,000 square feet.
Underling: Yeah, but like what is the length and width?
Boss: Just make it 10,000 square feet.
Underling: But is it a square, or a rectangle, or what?
Boss: Uh, make it a rectangle.
712 South McClintock Drive
Tempe, Arizona
12PM Great Way to Inspire Confidence
Boss: I don't want you to answer the department phone anymore. Unless I'm on another line, that is.
Drone: OK...sure. Uh, what happened? I mean, did someone complain about me?
Boss: Not yet.
7 Times Square
New York, NY
5PM When His White Friends Call, It Plays Jay-Z's "Ain't No Nigga"
Assistant: Whose phone is that? Who has rap music on their ringtone?
Sales guy, across room: Is that mine?
Assistant: Seriously? Is that your phone? [Sales guy runs to his desk.]
Office manager: It sounds like porn...
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Back to Work
Foreign boss: [Cynthia], what are you eating?
Veronica: A breakfast burrito.
Foreign boss: Oh, no, [Cynthia]. You will never find a boyfriend.
350 South Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: ben rosman
12PM Sitdown with HR
Art Director: What did you mean when you said that HR is going to work differently?
Exec: Oh, it's going to work now.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
4PM Fortunately It's Over
VP: We're having quite an exciting day. Have you used the f-word
yet?
Staffer: Probably yes, quietly to myself.
15 Walnut Street
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts
12AM Their Prices are IN-SANE
Boss: We're changing the name of this business unit to BSE.
Employee: You mean, like, Mad Cow Disease?
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
12PM "Yeah, I heard your e-mail."
Boss: You close that deal yet?
Sales guy: No, but I just got a verbal faxed.
60 Main Street
Waltham, Massachusetts
12PM Tough Love At the Massage Parlor
Supervisor: Jeremy* did not come in or call for three days. What should we do?
Manager: Spank him?
803 West Seale
Nacogdoches, Texas
Overheard by: Glinda Bright
5PM All that Remains Since We Can No Longer Surf for Porn on the Job
Employee to boss: Hey I know it's the end of the day on Friday, but I'm really bored, do you have anything for me to do?
Boss: Oh! Here have some bubblewrap!
137 4th Ave
Edmonton Alabama
12PM It's a Temporary Chemical Imbalance
Manager: Why are your eyes so red?
Waiter: I'm just really tired. Also, when I don't get a lot of sleep, sometimes I smell like pot.
Haynes Bridge Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM And Then I'll Blow Up His Car
Boss: Well, I'm outta here! Too bad you have to stay!
Janitor: You're not letting him leave early?
Boss: No. I'm the boss. I get to go. He has to stay.
Janitor: Okay. Well, bye.
Boss: Bye! [He leaves]
Janitor: So you're leaving in five minutes, right?
Employee: I'll wait 'til he clears the building.
59 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
3PM On-the-Job Training
Assistant: Hey, I couldn't figure out how to put it into Word from Excel. So here you go.
Boss: You just cut and paste it.
Assistant: But you can't do that from Excel to Word, it won't let you.
Boss: Yes, you can, just right-click and copy and paste it.
Assistant: Trust me, I just spent the whole morning trying to, it's a locked document.
Boss: OK, 1947 called, and they want their technology ability back. What's wrong with you? Hey, who hired you again?
300 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Cam
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Did you have a computer ethics class in college?
Programmer: [Scoffs] There is no ethics, it's a computer.
10 Salt Creek Lane
Hinsdale, Illinois
Overheard by: Bill Dwyer
4PM Study Coriolis Effect (Urgent)
Manager: I saw it happen when I was in Australia.
Engineer: To be perfectly honest with you, I've never studied the direction of water flow in my toilet.
The next 30 minutes were spent experimenting on various containers with holes.
6411 Ivy Lane
Greenbelt, Maryland
2PM We Happily Bring You an Amusing Anecdote Reader's Digest Won't
Clerk: God, why is that old man so angry?
Manager: Give him a break. How many more times is he going to be buying new shoes? He'll probably be buried in these.
Old crab, from across room: I'm not deaf, you bitches!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Processing Payroll
Owner's wife on phone: Where are the timesheets?
Girl who was just fired: They are in my hands right now.
Owner's wife: Where are you?
Girl: What do you mean where am I? I'm at your office, you called me here!!
3202 Vie Street
Knoxville, Tennessee
10AM Coffee Break
Employee is showing off her new belly-dancing outfit.
Supervisor: So, you're really going to belly-dance in public?
Employee: Yeah!
Supervisor: I never really liked going to strip clubs when I was younger.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: I love this place!
9AM Back to Work
Underling: Can I borrow your scissors?
Boss: Depends if you're going to committ any crimes.
Underling: Just crimes against filing.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
10AM Prepare Proofs
Manager: How many did [the client] say he wanted?
Secretary: He said none for this month, but he'll print next month, so send him a proof for March.
Manager: February?
Secretary: No, not this month, next month: March.
Manager: February?
11071 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM Cancel Cameras Order
Boss: You told me that before.
Office worker: How do you know?
Boss: I have a photogenic memory.
2 Walters Lane
Point Pleasant, Pennsylvania
4PM I'm Done with This
Secretary: Oh, I thought that was [Jamie] coming in the elevator. It was you.
Boss: You must have really good ears if you could hear that.
141 South Willow Street
Eagle River, Wisconsin
3PM Cigarette Break
Data entry: It would suck to live in New Orleans, what with all the hurricanes that go there.
Boss: Where would you live?
Data entry: California for sure.
Boss: What about earthquakes?
777 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
9AM They're At It Already
Manager #1: [Eric]? I hate [Eric].
Manager #2: You hate [Eric]? But he's such a nice guy.
Manager #1: Yeah, but he always takes too long to tell you a fucking lie.
50 W. San Fernando Street
San Jose, California
11AM Look Into Service Contract
Peon: But if we didn't buy it from them, will they provide service?
Boss: It doesn't matter. This is an integral part of our everyday operation. If we have to buy a service contract, we will. If we give them money, they will service us.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
5AM Getting Ahead Through Trepanation
Secretary: Your forehead is looking good today.
Boss: Yeah, the hole is still there but at least the scab is gone.
810 Highway 6 South
Houston, Texas
7AM Why Anyone Would Speed To Work is Beyond Me
Co-worker #1: We should send out a memo about unsafe driving.
Boss: Was the unsafe driving on company property?
Co-worker #1: No.
Boss: Was the unsafe driving in a company vehicle?
Co-worker #1: No.
Co-worker #2: Then there's nothing the company can do about it. I mean, I speed to work all of the time.
3 Alcan Highway
Kitimat, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Nemisis
11AM I Suggest You Glue Your Ass to Your Own Chair
Office drone #1: What's a funnier prank -- if I tape the the receiver to the boss's phone, or if I fix it so she can't open the drawer?
Office drone #2: Um, maybe you should... [looks pointedly at returning boss behind drone #1].
Office drone #1: I know! I'll glue her coffee mug to her desk. Bitch'll be spewing!
Boss, standing right behind drone #1: Bitch is behind you.
Harris Street
Pyrmont, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: get back to work!
11AM Someday You'll Be the Stupid Boss, So Have Compassion
Supervisor: Did you answer my phone while I was gone?
Worker bee: It didn't ring.
Supervisor: Well, did John call for me?
Worker bee: He didn't call. Your phone didn't ring.
Supervisor: But did you answer a call from John?
Worker bee: No, when your phone didn't ring, I didn't answer it, and when I didn't answer it, John wasn't the one that didn't call.
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
5PM At Least I Can Stop Eating
Salesman: I'm just trying to help you! Every time I see you you're eating.
Purchasing manager, mouth full of cookies: Every time I see you you're ugly.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
10AM Tides Me Over 'Til I Can Get Out to My Anarchist Compound
Boss: What's your password? I want to sign in and test the new system we set up.
Office gal: 'Detonate.'
Boss: [Silence.]
Office gal: What? I like typing 'Detonate' and hitting 'Enter'! It's extremely satisfying!
60 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
2PM Shall I Season Your Fracture?
Managing director: What happened to you?
Warehouse employee: A skid fell on my leg. Don* just left to call me an ambulance.
Managing director: A skid of what?
Warehouse employee: ... Ground coriander.
Managing director: That came in today? Great! We've been waiting for that.
Warehouse employee: ... My leg is broken.
Managing director: And we appreciate that.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
3PM Snack Run
Male supervisor: Give Janet* one of those chocolate pretzel things. Because she's going on vacation and doesn't have to fit into a bathing suit this weekend.
Janet*, aside: I swear, random people have been coming up to me all day asking about my supposed nude beach trip to Jamaica.
Male supervisor: Let it all hang out, baby.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
4PM Filing Frenzy
Police sergeant: Have you done those sexual child abuse talks at the school yet?
Civilian employee: Yes, and several of the children need to file a report.
Police sergeant: Great! Now we have more work. Whose idea was it to do those talks?
8620 California Avenue
South Gate, California
4PM Team Meeting
Manager: I knew you were going to say that.
Team Lead: Really? How did you know that?
Manager: I have a third sense when it comes to this place.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
4PM Group Meeting
Group Manager: Just to let you know, your boss went to go get his AIDS shot for his travel to India.
Co-worker: What I don't understand is, why don't we all get the AIDS shot?
Group Manager: Um, that was a joke.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: John Leffler
3PM Smoke Break
Intern: They didn't have Guinness, so we had pure Jameson and Bailey shots.
Manager: Oh, well.
Intern: Laced with something else.
Associate: PCP?
Intern: Who knows?
Manager: Could it have been PCP?
Intern: It tasted awfully sweet.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
4PM Work on Audit
Manager: This audit is driving me crazy!
Receptionist: Oh, you won't have to drive there. For you, it's just a short walk.
50 East Exchange Street
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Ed Poe
9AM They Sure Said It
Employee: Mondays come way too often.
Supervisor: Yes, once a week.
4708 Lacey Bpulevard SE
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
9AM It's Gonna Be a Long Day
Secretary: Wow, this is not much work for Friday!
Boss: ...Except that it's Wednesday today.
Dogwood Ave, Building 1
Johnson City, Tennessee
10AM Set Up Meeting
Employee: I have a few questions about wrapping up this project.
Supervisor: Great. Set up a meeting, I'm free all day.
Employee: How's 11AM this morning?
Supervisor: I can't make it then.
1111 Chester Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
7AM He Can Put It By the Camera
Boss: You want a raise? You come back after three weeks of vacation and spend more time in the bathroom than you do working. Maybe I should install a timeclock in there.
107 Chesley Drive
Media, Pennsylvania
1PM Can I Interest You in These Delicious Cough Drops?
Sales guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late...
Director of marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales guy: No.
Director of marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Receptionists Have a Limited Ability to Extrapolate
Manager: It is important that you put any call through to me today -- my mother-in-law is dying.
Receptionist: Is she okay?
Manager: No, she's dying.
Davey Street
Hobart
Australia
3PM I Think You'll Like the Results
Boss : What is that red thing on top of a rooster's head called? I can't find a description anywhere on the Internet.
Employee: Just Google 'cock' and 'diagram.'
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Sailorette
9AM The Way Hamsters Eat While They Nap
Woman #1: Oh my god! My husband sent me three dozen roses for no reason!
Woman #2: Wow, someone really wants a blowjob.
Boss: Hey, you can't say 'blowjob'! We have young interns working here!
Woman #2: Are you serious? Those intern sluts give blowjobs in their sleep.
New Jersey
1PM Vacation Memo
Boss: Did I forget to tell you that we will be open this Monday? I decided not to close the office after all.
Employee: For what?
Boss: It's Labor Day, and I was going to close the office, but decided not to.
Employee: It's not Labor Day! Memorial Day is this month, but not until the end of the month.
Boss: It says right here on my calendar it's Labor Day. I thought it was weird that Labor and Memorial Day were in the same month.
Employee: Let me see that calendar. . . Oh, for God's sakes, do you see that M by the date?
Boss: Ummm, yeah.
Employee: That means Labor Day for Mexico!
Boss: No kidding! Wow, I feel really stupid!
Employee: Yeah, you should! Happy Labor Day, Senorita!
4302 West Crystal Lake Road
McHenry, Illinois
Overheard by: Gramma
1PM Lunch
Manager: Is that goat cheese on your sandwich?
Worker: Yes
Manager: I hear that single goat goat cheese is a delicatessen.
Worker: A what?
Manager: A delicatessen.
6511 Tri-County Parkway
Schertz, Texas
2PM Make Reservations
Manager: [Ben], just go ahead and reserve two spots for me.
Assistant #1: Did you just say [Jeffrey]?
Manager: What? No, I said [Ben].
Assistant #1: Well, I heard my name.
Manager: 'Cause youre a narcissist! [Ben], don't you think he's a
narcissist?
Assistant #2: I plead the Fifth.
Manager: C'mon [Ben], don't be a pussy!
Assistant #2: I'm going to be a pussy! I'm new!
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
10AM First Draft Due
Boss: Spring is in the air. I'll be outside for the next 15 minutes reviewing this paper. If any urgent crisis happens, don't tell me.
308 West Freemason Street
Norfolk, Virginia
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Why are you guys just sitting there? What's going on?
Underling: I'm helping her with her mouse. It looks like her computer froze.
Manager: Well, you shouldn't let it get so cold.
8484 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
12PM Product Meeting
Boss: Oh, one other thing. I didn't think the Sunday [product] was very strong.
Worker: Well, what would you have done differently?
Boss: I'm not really sure...I just think we needed something different there.
Worker: Like what?
Boss: Well, that's really the question, isn't it?
120 West First Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
11AM Section Meeting
Supervisor: We have to use E. G.
Co-worker: "E. G."?
Supervisor: Yeah, engineering judgment.
20000 Rotunda Drive
Dearborn, Michigan
5PM I'm Leaving, Too
Boss #1: You're taking off for your wedding; when will you be back?
Co-worker: Two weeks.
Boss #2: Yes, and when she gets back, she'll no longer be a virgin.
609 Reliability Circle
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Arthur Vandelay
4PM Work on Report
Office worker: I need to talk to you about this report you mentioned.
Manager: No, we can't talk about this now, not till tomorrow.
Office worker: Yes, but it's due tomorr--
Manager: No, no, no! Now is not the time to talk about it. Tomorrow is.
Office worker: But--
Manager: Tomorrow. Goodbye.
39 Murray Street
Hobart, Tasmania
Australia
4PM Order Cartridges, Paper
Big Shot: Well, damn, the printer really is low on toner. I'm not gonna strain my eyes to read this junk. Now I have to reprint the whole document. Guess that's my reward for trying to take work home over the weekend!
Peon: So, do you want me to recycle the faded pages?
Big Shot: What? No, just toss it.
3301 Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
9AM Then I Have Some Bad News about Those Envelopes You Just Licked
Paralegal to friendly lawyer: I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand.
Lawyer: What's your problem? We just saved the firm hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Paralegal: It has nothing to do with that... I'd help to bankrupt an orphanage if it came to it.
Lawyer: Then why won't you shake my hand?
Paralegal: Sir, I was in the bathroom when you took a shit after the meeting, and you didn't wash your hands. That's just disgusting.
725 12th Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM ... Sumo Wrestling on a Derailing Train
Designer: You shot the Rubik's Cube contest?
Photographer: Yeah. It was like watching fat, naked men greased up in butter sumo wrestling. You don't want to watch, but you can't look away.
Designer: ... You know, most people use the metaphor, 'It was like watching a train wreck,' but you took it to a really dark place.
323 E Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Dundie
12PM They're Just Mad About the Whole 'Canadia' Thing
CEO: I read a study that said that 50% of Canadians disapprove of Americans.
Employee: Yeah, I guess they just don't agree with many of the US's recent actions.
CEO: No, it's because they're jealous of Americans.
Employee: Err, that's perhaps a somewhat US-centric view...
CEO: I've been to Canada. I've seen it firsthand. They are very jealous of us.
Employee: Actually, now that you mention it, I'm surprised it was only 50%.
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: poj
12PM That's Different From What He Said Last Week at the Office Party
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Employee asks involved question.
Boss: You know what? I have a million questions that you cannot answer.
Employee: But you asked if anyone had any questions.
Boss: Yeah, and if I asked if anyone had to go to the bathroom, I wouldn't expect you to whip it out and take a whiz right here.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Spacing Out
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer service manager: Okay, now I'm going to grab my hipflask, hide behind the bushes, and drink myself stupid.
98 Toryork
North York, Ontario
Canadia
9AM Back to Work
Employee: Are you yanking my chain?
Boss: Oh, you'll feel it when I'm yanking your chain.
111 E Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
3PM Smoke Break
Preacher: What's that beeping sound?
Secretary: It's the battery getting low on the smoke detector.
Preacher: Well you don't need that if you would quit smoking, do
you?
801 7th Street South
Clanton, Alabama
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I didn't know we were supposed to wear green today. I guess I didn't get that memo.
Manager: I didn't get that one either; just the one about the underwear.
6611 Preston Avenue
Livermore, California
5PM See You Then!
Assistant: What year is it now?
Manager: 2005
Assistant : Still? Okay! It's so easy to forget what year it is, isn't it?
Manager: Not really.
Assistant: So it's 2006 in--
Manager: January 1st!
Commercial Road
Hull, East Yorkshire
UK
Overheard by: Simon Green
10AM Work on Newsletter
VP: Our newsletter is gonna be sexy.
Co-worker: I thought we're trying to be more corporate.
VP: I'm the VP of corporate development, and i'm telling you we're sexy!
100 William Street
New York, NY
11AM Badge Photo Shoot
Manager: I hate my new badge picture. It makes me look like I have a fat head.
Employee: But you do have a fat head.
Manager: I know that. I just don't want to advertise it to the whole world.
610 Gateway Drive
North Sioux City, South Dakota
10AM Order Supplies
Co-worker: Does anyone have a tissue?
Boss: I have a notepad.
1600 Technology Way
Latrobe, Pennsylvania
4PM Pick Up New Laptop
Manager: I'm going to be turning in my old laptop for a new one. I want to get another IBM, one of the ultralight ones.
Techie: We're not leasing IBMs anymore. We're currently leasing HPs and Dells.
Manager: I don't like the HPs and I really want an IBM. How can I get one?
Techie: Well...you would need to provide us with a medical reason and a doctor's note.
10 Almaden Boulevard
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Stealth Nerf
3PM Sensitivity Training
Office Manager: There's a time and a place for shoulder massages and it's not here and now.
Employee: It's not a massage. I was rubbing my hands up her.
Aldine House, New Bailey Street
Salford, Manchester
UK
2PM Rearrange Cubicle
Co-worker: This thing might fall on my head.
VP: Well, just hope that doesn't happen, then.
Co-worker: It's better than you falling on my head.
VP: No thanks, you aren't my type.
4925 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
6PM Maybe A Landmine Metaphor Would Have Saved Her Job
Boss: Well, I threw myself in front of the bus for you.
Marketing chick: It didn't work then?
Boss: I threw myself hard, but nah.
Marketing chick: Too bad.
Boss: Yup.
Wharf 8 Pyrmont
Sydney, Australia
5PM Except for Larry, Who Can Keep the Tutu
Coder #1: I just can't work in these pants!
Coder #2, raising hand: Seconded!
Boss #1: No! Motion fails!
Boss #2: Indeed -- pants remain a workplace requirement!
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
3PM Oh, and You're Working Sunday
Boss watching Sin City: Dibs on Jessica Alba.
Employee #1: I'll fight you for her.
Boss: Okay. [They spar for a second, then the boss kicks the employee in the shin and slaps him in the head, dropping him to the floor.]
Employee #1: Ow.
Employee #2: Just not smart, dude.
Employee #1: It hurts so bad.
Boss: Respect dibs.
Ft. Walton Beach, Florida
Overheard by: He can have her
9AM Bringing the Grand Total to Three
Young, blonde female: Um, wow, I just cracked my spine and grew, like, an inch.
Male supervisor: Yeah, I just grew, like, an inch watching you.
3rd Street and Colorado Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Miss Informed
2PM He Placed Out of the Class Where You Learn Not to Be a Jerk
Boss: Hey, do you think you could go down to the cafeteria and get me one of those teeny tiny things of 1% milk for my cereal?
Intern: You know, with my dual degree from business school, I think I may be able to swing that...I'll bring another intern as backup just in case.
555 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Okay, Now Explain 'Compooter'
Oblivious female boss flipping through magazine: Oooh, pooter! I love pooter.
Startled worker: What?!
Oblivious female boss: Look -- pooter letter openers!
Startled worker: Um, that word is actually pronounced 'pewter.' [Under his breath] Christ.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
2PM Raising Headcount
Recruiter for aid programs in Afghanistan: I talked with one Mark Johnson* -- an 82-year-old WWII vet. He doesn't hear well, but would love to see some combat. I told him that I would see what we could arrange.
Manager: Ummm...
Recruiter: Dude, sarcasm?
7250 Woodmont Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
10AM Brainstorming Session
Manager: We should try putting up our design pattern library on one of those new . . . kiwis!
Drone: [Sigh] Wikis?
1 Kirkwood Boulevard
Southlake, Texas
2PM Tech Support
Boss: [Bryan], can you help me? I can't seem to find my HTML. It's just not there anymore.
15 Altarinda Road
Orinda, California
9AM Back to Work
Worker: If you see [Jen] or [Jake], can you tell them I need to talk to them?
Boss: What for?
Worker: I just need to ask them about this thing for Thursday.
Boss: Oh, I don't know anything about that. You'll have to ask [Jen] or [Jen] about it.
120 West First Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
3PM Coffee Break
Cube #1: You know what? I wish I was drinking like...some King Cobra right now.
Cube #2: Oh, I know.
Cube #1: Or like a log of chocolate.
Cube #2: Yeah. Chocolate. In the shape of an actual log.
Cube #1: Yeah.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Warehouse Inventory Due
Warehouse Manager: Be sure to take all the plywood runners, and all the woodchucks you can find.
Driver: "Woodchucks"?
Warehouse Manager: Yeah, put them under the wheels to help with traction.
41049 Boyce Road
Fremont, California
10AM Collect Surveys
Administrator: [Les], do you have any overdue surveys?
[Les]: No, I don't.
Administrator: You don't have any surveys due before the 26th?
[Les]: No, the only surveys I have were due on the 23rd and the 24th.
811 Russell Avenue
Gaithersburg, Maryland
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Let's take care of that tomorrow.
Employee: Let's as in "you and me", or "you, me and [Kate]", or "me and [Kate]"?
Boss: Let's as in "you and Kate]." I shouldn't be involved unless there's a problem.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
4PM But, Sadly, Never in the Same Room As a Map
Manager: Be sure that you take a coat with you if go over there, because when it's warm here, it's cold there.
Employee: In England?
Manager: Yeah, their summer is like our winter.
Employee: I don't think so.
Manager, frustrated: Well, it's true. I went there in May, and it was freezing. I had to wear a jacket all the time. They're in, like, a different hemisphere, or something.
Employee, laughing: No, they aren't. They're just further North than we are, and their climate's a little different. Australia's in a different hemisphere. England is in the same hemisphere that we are -- North... West.
Manager, in a cold fury: Look. I've been there.
Hamilton Drive
Smithfield, North Carolina
Overheard by: westward ho
10AM Help Me, Champollion, You're My Only Hope!
Boss: Dude, your plan should be clearly stated on your bill.
Angry employee: Have you seen an ABC Wireless* bill? It's like the Rosetta Stone fucked a coked-up prostitute and out came my bill.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
3PM Ummm... It Shows Respect to the President
Manager: My new BM is awesome!
Subordinate: You mean BMW; the W is important.
Manager: Why?
Raynham, Massachusetts
1PM Because, after This Conversation, I May Need to Blow My Brains Out
Boss: How was your day?
Employee miming pointing a gun to his head: Know what I mean? But it's over now.
Boss: My father killed himself six months ago.
Employee: Did he use a gun?
47 Catherwood Road
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: I prefer the
12PM How We Deal with Socialists
Manager: Man, you guys from Alabama are hard-core putting someone getting the chair on the back of your quarter.
Boss from Alabama: That's not someone getting the chair -- that's Helen Keller!
Manager: You guys electrocuted Helen Keller?!
Campus Point Drive
San Diego, California
11AM Just a Good One with a Bad Temper
Restaurant manager shooing out two vagrants: Guys, you'll have to leave. Go on.
Vagrant #1: How long you been in the klan?
Restaurant manager, taken aback: Actually, I'm Catholic and the klan is very anti-Catholic.
Vagrant #2: No. No! They were Catholics!
Restaurant manager: You're wrong. Class dismissed. Now get your ass out of here or I'll have the dish washers put you two motherfuckers in the trash compactor, ass-to-mouth.
Vagrant #1: You a bad Catholic!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM And So Began the 2007 Rold Gold Rush
CEO: I need you to call Dan*.
VP: Why?
CEO: I need you to distract him while I steal his pretzels. I need those pretzels.
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Cubeville denizen
2PM And the Stamina to Keep It Running?
Old boss: I used to do bad things, you know.
Young employee: Really?! Yeah, right.
Old boss: Yeah, like dealing coke. How do you think we got the money to start this place?
Des Moines, Iowa
9AM What an Interesting and Alarming Theory
Boss exiting stall: I have to wipe piss off the floor at least five times a day!
Employee at urinal: Some people must shake it too hard.
Boss: They just plain miss the shot into the urinal. One time I came in here and someone had pissed all over on the floor, under the stall.
Employee: [Silence.]
Boss: You know when someone jacks off and they don't get it all out? It dries up. When you go to take your first piss after jacking off the stream gets split and it goes all over the place.
Employee: [Silence.]
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Horrified Handwasher
3PM Then My Work Here Is Done
Boss talking about movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: And he sees the body out of the corner of his eye just when you're thinking that, and he turns and pees on it...
Female cube rat: We just had a seminar on our sexual harassment policy, and I am offended by that. I should report you.
Boss: Go ahead, I have pictures and emails.
Male cube rat: Do we have an official blackmail policy?
Black male cube rat: I take offense to that.
1771 N Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: afraid to speak
9AM What about a Carrot? I Could Do a Carrot, I Think
Employee: I got pulled over for speeding last week, but somehow I got out of the ticket. What is the best way to do that, really?
Boss who's an ex-cop: I once had a guy tell me he had a cucumber shoved up his ass, so I took him to the hospital and found out it was true.
Employee: Did you give him the ticket?
Boss who's an ex-cop: Hell no.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: I'll take the ticket, thanks
1PM Long Term Planning
Subordinate #1, middle-aged: So, how's your broken toe doing, [Sara]?
VP [Sara]: It still hurts, but after four tries, I finally found a pair of high heels I can stand in.
Subordinate #1: Should you be doing that yet?
VP: I have a date tonight and need to look cute.
Subordinate 2, older: You shouldn't be wearing heels yet. You're going to ruin your feet so that when you're old like me you'll be able to wear only ugly shoes.
VP: I'll be married by then, so it won't matter!
208 South LaSalle
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Lunch
BIG bigwig: I had a tunafish sandwich for lunch and all I can smell is tuna. Come here; smell me. Do I smell like tuna?
Smallwig: Nope. I know how you feel though. It just stays with you. Tuna definitely lingers.
Florida State University
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: so hard not to giggle
3PM Returning Calls
Boss on the phone: Thanks, hon.
Assistant overhearing: Black people don't like to be called "hon" because of the slavery days, as if they were ever really slaves.
Boss: It's okay, she wasn't black.
1403 Poplar Road
Newnan, Georgia
12PM Schedule Follow-ups
Director: I have you down for 8AM.
Analyst: I can't at that time. I have to drop off my son at day care.
Director: That's okay, I'll do you later.
4302 Town Center Boulevard
El Dorado Hills, California
4PM Work on Resume
Manager: If it didn't mean I would have to interview new people I would lobby to have half the staff here fired
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
3PM Coffee Break
Employee: "Isolate"? Why's there an E on the end?
Supervisor: ...
Employee: Oh. Just kidding!
Supervisor: Seriously?
Employee: It looked weird.
Supervisor: So when you go to the coffee shop, do you order a "late"?
Employee: No, I order a latt. Two Ts.
500 Dulany Street
Alexandria, Virginia
4PM Call [the Client]
Secretary: [The client] keeps calling and asking for me. And you know what? The next time he does that, I'm going to tell him that you lied to him.
Boss: What? Why?
Secretaty: Because you tell him you're going to do all these things for him, and you don't!
Boss: That's because he's an idiot!
527 West Jefferson Street
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Did you smell that?
Employee #2: Why would he call us in there after doing that?
Employee #1: I don't think he knows; my grandma would fart all the time and nobody said a word. We figured she did not know.
Supervisor: I am going to White Castle, anybody want some sliders?
4501 West Mitchell Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM Gotta Meet That Deadline
Manager: Here you go.
Employee: Oh, thank goodness. This is what she's looking for...I'm so glad you found it. I would have had to redo it right now.
Manager: I found it on your desk.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Fire Drill
Assistant Building Emergency Coordinator: Why don't we have the security officers make the evacuation announcements? They are located next to the building PA system.
Manager: I am not sure they are qualified and capable of using the microphone to make announcements.
600 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM Finalize Schedules
Boss: Could you tell me what your holiday vacation is going to be?
Employee: I will be taking 2 weeks off as I am having a problem with my vagina.
5 minutes later: a group email asking everyone to please email their schedule.
1755 Riverside Drive
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
3PM They Merge Cells. There, I Said It!
Managing editor on speakerphone: Do you know how to adjust columns in Excel?
Assistant: No...
Managing editor: What do you know?
Assistant: Um... I know that when a man and a woman get together, they--
Managing editor: --Come to my office.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
3PM And Welcome to the Federal Civil Service
Recent business school grad: You know, working for this company is not for the weak of heart. There is not a lot of recognition handed out to people.
Senior executive: Recognition? You want recognition? You are a dumbass. How's that?
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario
Canadia
9AM Hastening My Demise Seems Like the Right Thing to Do
Manager: I have a bunch of file folders. Can you sort them by color?
Assistant: Sure.
Manager: They're in the back.
Assistant, returning with folders: These are all green.
Manager: Well, they're different shades of green.
Assistant: Not really. It's just that some are more faded than others.
Manager: I just think it would look nice if you sorted them into a pile of folders with straight greens and a pile with more of a spongy print. Are you okay with that?
Assistant: Sure. [To herself] There's a lot of reasons why I don't quit smoking.
North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
2PM You Harvard Grads Always Ask the Important Questions
Office peon: How many wheels does an 18-wheeler have?
Boss: Let me see your résumé again.
1212 Klockner Road
Gordonsville, Virginia
Overheard by: the office linebacker
3PM Baggers Can't Be Choosers
Manager to bagger: I need you to do a big favor for me... Actually, it's not a favor so much as your job.
Food and drug store
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Sarah
9AM And I'm Going to Be Completely Rigid about This
Old maid boss: Do you have a boner over there?
Young male worker, confused: I'm sorry, what?
Old maid boss: A boner. For folding paper [holds up knife]. Do you have one?
Young male worker: How can you seriously be calling it that? I know you know what that means.
Old maid boss: No, I know you need one if you don't have one. I'll get another one.
Young male worker: I know you know what that means. I know you know what that means. I don't want anything to do with it.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
3PM So Do Not Call Me
Boss pointing to bathroom stall: If you need me, I'll be in my office, haha.
Employee: Um, I'm not gonna ask you anything while you're taking a shit.
Boss: Oh, I'm not taking a shit. I'm just gonna sit in there and play Tetris on my phone.
Dexter Avenue
Seattle, Washington
9AM Back to Work
Boss: You know me, if I want to pick up my right foot I first step on my left foot so that I have a back-up to lift with.
Employee: I see you have a belt and suspenders.
Boss: Exactly.
510 Adams Street
Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin
4PM Clean Up Reports
Project Manager: We didn't know the old system generated those reports.
CIO: Well, you can't clean out an old warehouse without finding a few rat turds in the corner.
655 Engineering Drive
Norcross, Georgia
5PM I'm Done Working Anything Today
VP: God! They've got you working reception? We must be really scraping the bottom of the barrel.
5203 Leesburg Pike
Falls Church, Virginia
12PM Why You Hire Talking Dogs Is Beyond Me
Male employee: I want you to know, Cindy* will be complaining to you about something I said to her. It's all a lie, though.
Manager #1: Oookay...
Male employee: She's gonna say I called her a 'dirty fucking cunt.'
Manager #2: Ohhh, boy...
Male employee: But it's bullshit. I called her a 'dirty fucking bitch.' I don't use the 'C'-word.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM There's a Rumor They're All Cylons
Coworker: Tell the intern to do that.
Boss: The intern? She has a name.
Coworker: You know who I meant.
Boss: It's Rebecca*! Let's not be racist.
Coworker: Interns aren't a race!
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Pre-meeting
Boss: So, is there any other duty that you do on a daily basis that we should include on this list?
Worker: You mean other than miscellaneous bullshit?
Boss: Well, how much time do you spend on miscellaneous bullshit everyday?
Worker: Depending on the day, between 10 minutes and 8 hours.
4913 West Laurel Street
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: hang on voltaire
10AM Your Verbal Warning Will Be Confirmed in Pudding
Boss to tardy employee: I'm going to write you up with a verbal warning.
Employee: ... Wait. What?
Boss: Don't be smart.
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
3PM No, Just Lilies
Supervisor #1: Did one of you guys grab my obituary off the printer?
Employee: You're dead?
Supervisor #2: Let's go see if she has anything good on her desk.
19th Street and Douglas Street
Iowa
Overheard by: Lloyd
5PM Not All on the Same Day, As Her Suit Alleges
Boss: It's not like I was banging her in the supply closet.
Bigger boss: But you did bang her in the supply closet and in your office... And, for that matter, my fucking office, you asshole.
Boss: Yeah, but those were different occasions.
Alpharetta, Georgia
5PM Hours Later, Bloody and Rumpled, They Declared a Truce
Managing director: Did you meet Daron* yesterday?
HR recruiter: Daron?
Managing director: I introduced him to you yesterday.
HR recruiter: Who?
Managing director: I did.
HR recruiter: No, you didn't.
Managing director: ... Maybe I'm going crazy. You know -- Daron, with the dreads.
HR recruiter: With what?
Managing director: Dreads. You know -- dreadlocks.
HR recruiter: Oh, I hate those.
Managing director: What? Dreadlocks have been around since the Bible.
HR recruiter: What?
Managing director: Since Samson and Delilah. Samson had dreads.
HR recruiter: Who did?
Managing director: Samson!
HR recruiter: You mean Daron?
Managing director: Who?
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
3PM God, You Techies Are No Fun
IT guy: Hey, Kelly* just showed me her slingbox.
Boss: Reeeally?
It guy: Yeah. It works fine and everything, but I wouldn't pay for it.
Boss: If you get her drunk she'll give it to you for free!
It guy: Ohhh... I think we're talking about different things...
Boss: Reeeally?
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: Would get sick of it anyway...
4PM My Caulk is Primed and Ready
Employee: A customer wants to know if she can have a custom doorhanger.
Manager: She can have her slits and holes wherever she wants them.
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Julia Westenzweig
2PM I Could Let Her Hurt Feelings Control Me. But No.
Coworker #1, distraught: I'm leaving now. I probably won't be back till tomorrow.
Clueless manager: Okay, have fun! [Distraught coworker sobs and runs out.]
Coworker #2: Um... You know she's having her dog put to sleep, right?
111 Madisonville Street
Crofton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
4PM And Feeling Her Up
Training manager: So, how's everything going?
New admin: Fine. Just fine.
Training manager: Are you sure? Do you need anything? Something I can help you with?
New admin: I'm sure. No, really, everything's fine. I'm fine... I'm just going to, uh, run out to my car for a second. To, uh, grab a bottle of water. I'll be right back [gets her things and leaves the office, never returns].
Training manager: Wow. Was it something I said?
Assistant: No, I think it was the fact that you kept staring at her boobs.
Training manager: Oh. Right.
East Gude Drive
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: the fly on the wall
11AM Working in the Magic 8-Ball Factory
Executive: Is it okay if I take the intern with me to the meeting tomorrow?
Assistant: Sure.
Executive: Are you the person I ask about that?
Assistant: No.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Not the person either
11AM They're Still Working Out the Details at Homeland Security
Jeff*: Liz*, can you come here?
Liz: Are you going to fire me?
Jeff: I can't -- you're my supervisor.
Liz: What? No, I'm not. You're my supervisor.
Jeff: ...But if I'm your supervisor, and you're my supervisor, which one of us is really in charge?
Liz: That depends... If it's you, are you going to fire me?
Jeff: No.
Liz: Then it's you.
Jeff: Awesome.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
4PM Buy New Fax
Boss: So that fax machine is jamming again? I thought the repairman was just in here fixing it? What did he say?
Employee: No, it was that one that he fixed. You switched the faxes, right? So the good one is up here and the bad one is in the back?
Boss: No. I told you this morning that I wasn't going to do that because your mom was coming in to fax tomorrow so we might as well just get the bad one fixed.
Employee: Who were you talking to? The repair guy? Are you sure you were talking to me?
Boss: No, I was talking to the post.
18 Sycamore Avenue
Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey
Overheard by: GrIzZlEbEe!!!
2PM Client Meeting
Manager #1: Do you think Christmas carols are appropriate for when the
prospective client comes in at 2?
Manager #2: What's wrong with Christmas carols?
Manager #1: I just feel like it doesn't represent us.
Manager #2: You're asking the wrong person, because I love christmas carols.
Underling: Well, [the CEO] is the one who put this playlist on.
Manager #1 & #2: Oh, okay.
552 Broadway
New York, NY
10AM Do You Really Think I'm Capable of Explaining That?
Boss: I don't get it. Why are these entries all wrong?
Data entry grunt: Look at the user report. Out of 75 users, 67 of them are entering the data incorrectly. We need to get those 67 in a training session so we're all on the same page.
Boss: I'm not sure how -- I've never had to do this before.
Data entry grunt: Right... Can we just take a moment here so you can explain to me why you're the manager but I'm the one that does the managing?
K-V Road
Victoria, Virginia
4PM He Runs a Brothel
Supervisor: Different day, same shit.
Employee: That's my favorite saying! "Different day, same shit."
Supervisor: We probably shouldn't swear; I don't want to offend the customers.
Employee: Probably.
Supervisor: You know what my favorite saying is? "Fuck that!"
Mount Prospect, Illinois
4PM So Only Old or Stupid People Deal with Him Now
Employee: Where's Bob* been the last few days?
Manager: Oh... He's been AOL for a while now.
1080 Greenwood Boulevard
Lake Mary, Florida
Overheard by: Something Mickey this way comes
4PM Kidding! Just Kidding, Mrs. Glick!
Employee: I don't want anymore customers to come in.
Manager: I know, me either. [As old lady with walker approaches door] Dammit... I hope she dies before she gets to the door.
Portland, Oregon
4PM Unlikely -- You Always Look Like Shit
Boss to late employee: Where have you been?
Blonde: Hi.
Boss: You look like shit today.
Blonde: Maybe that's because I was up all night fucking!
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jonny Z
2PM So, No Mayan Pyramids?
Manager: Yes, next week we'll all be in Mexico.
Woman #1: I hope you are going to relax this vacation.
Manager: I feel if I don't run around and see everything, I'm wasting the experience.
Woman #2: Let me explain something clearly to you: vacation is sex, food, sleep, more sex, more sex.
Manager: [Stunned.]
Woman #2: That's why you never come back relaxed. Sex, sex, nap, sex. Repeat that.
Garden State Mall
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Woman #3
2PM Her Oonication Skills Need Work
Associate: Hey, can you come look at my pooter?
Manager: Your what?
Associate: What? ... What? Come on, my computer!
Mass Street
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: tara
11AM Keith Gets 30 Days in the Hole
Manager to three people working in cubicle: What are you all doing in here?!
Male coworker: There's a dead mouse in my cube.
Lady coworker: This is Keith*. He's a temp, but there's nowhere for him to sit, so they're all in my cube.
Manager: What are you doing about the mouse?!
Male coworker: Some guy came up and removed the filing cabinets and found the mouse. But he had to call a guy in another union to come and pick up the mouse.
Manager: What the fuck? This is unbelievable.
Lady coworker: It's like an overcrowded prison in here.
Manager: Oh, I'll show you prison [leaves].
Keith: Is she mad?
Male coworker: Isn't this fun?
777 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Another Good Job Lost to Illegal Aliens
Customer, softly: Uh, someone pooped on the floor in the ladies' room.
Hostess: Ewww!
Manager: I'll get a Mexican.
Restaurant, Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Just Testing the Waters
Boss: We should become alcoholics. That would make work so much easier.
Employee: That bottle of Bailey's in my filing cabinet only lasted me a week and a half.
Boss: You had Bailey's?
Employee: Ummm, no.
Lake Shore Drive
Columbus, Ohio
1PM Which Is Why Her Boyfriend Had to Resort to Botox
Female accountant: I'm allergic to chocolate.
CFO: Really? My daughter is allergic to -- how does she put it -- 'Wrinkly nuts.'
7887 E Belleview Avenue
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Did anyone else hear that?
9AM Great Work, John.
Boss: How long do I still have to wait for those reports?
Worker: Steve* is doing the final results. [Both stare at Steve.]
Steve, coming out of a reverie: A polar bear is as tall as an elephant!
New York, New York
Overheard by: WTF
9AM I Wouldn't Still Be Here If It Weren't My Company
Admin girl: Are you sure you don't have any meetings scheduled this afternoon or want to leave early to get a start on your weekend?
Boss: Nope, I'm all free this afternoon and thought I'd catch up on paper work.
Admin girl: Oh, okay.
Boss: Why?
Admin girl: Because when you leave early I normally give you 10 minutes' headway and then sneak out myself.
Boss: Ugh, just go already.
Brisbane
Australia
11AM So, "My Face, Ma'am."
Office girl arriving in meeting: Is there anywhere I can sit?
Manager: My face, but I can't say that because I just got out of sensitivity training.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: I have a face too
4PM At the Abstinence-Only Education Policy Office
Boss: Can you put an extra postage on that envelope?
Office manager: Sure, why?
Boss: 'Cause it gets there faster when you add an extra postage.
Office manager: Ummm... I'm pretty sure that doesn't make it go faster.
Boss: [Blank stare] Well... Just do it anyway.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM What with His Mother Spinning in the Coffin
Cashier: Is that the one you were engaged to?
Manager: Yes.
Cashier: Who broke it off?
Manager: He did. But I'm glad he did -- he was a nutcase.
Cashier: Oh. Really crazy or just strange?
Manager: Crazy. Didn't I tell you? He proposed to me again at his mother's funeral after he had broken off the first engagement.
Customer and cashier: What?!
Manager: Yeah. He got down on one knee in front of all his family as they were lowering the freakin' casket with his dead mother into the ground and asked me to marry him again. I said no, of course.
Cashier: Well, that's awkward.
Grocery store
New Jersey
Overheard by: Laura
5PM So How about Dinner on Friday?
Sales manager: My husband and I used that new KY warming gel last night, and I thought of you.
Female sales assistant: Ummm, could you please not think of me while you're having sex?
Sales manager: No, what I mean is...
Female sales assistant: No. Please, just stop.
Brentwood, Tennessee
Overheard by: sex object
8PM A Sharpie for the None Too Sharp
Suit: Do you have what I call a "sharpie"?
Secretary: ...what you call a sharpie?
Suit: Yes.
Secretary: ...you and no one else?
Suit: It's like a, a felt-tipped pen.
Secretary: Oh, I know what it is.
Suit: Well, most people don't know what it's called.
Secretary: You're kidding, right? It says it right on the pen.
Suit: Well, do you have one?
Secretary: Yes. Yes, I do. I keep it here in what I call my "drawer".
795 Spring Street
San Francisco, California
12PM The Rest of Us Will Handle the Undertaking
Action officer: It's just not the most important undertaking we have, so I'm not going to kill myself to get it done.
Admin assistant: I disagree. I always think you should kill yourself.
Pentagon, 1490 Boundary Channel Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Propagandist
11AM Who Wants to Work in a Dump Like This Anyway?
Manager: We're going to have to let you go.
Employee: I didn't do nothin'!
Manager: I personally caught you defecating into the employee bathroom sink.
Employee: The toilet was filthy!
95 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
11AM The New-Hire
Suit: She graciously volunteered to confirm tomorrow's interviews. She says she likes people.
Supervisor: I find that hard to believe. She's from Detroit.
1252 Memorial Drive
Goral Gables, Florida
5PM Enjoy the Weekend, Everyone
Boss: Have a great Christmas, everyone. I'm going to go see my new grandkid.
Secretary: Aw. You have a new grandchild? Is this the first time
you'll see it?
Boss: Yeah, they're delivering by C-section on Wednesday.
2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri
11AM "State of the Company" Meeting
General Manager: It's up to every one of you to better yourselves. You can either stay or grow!
1520 Front Street
Yorktown Heights, New York
Overheard by: miss eves dropping
2PM Meeting
Boss: So, tell me about this guy we are doing business with today.
Assistant: Well, he is like [Adam], but with a bath and good shave.
Boss: Okay, good to know.
900 S. Shackleford Road
Little Rock, Arkansas
4PM Sure Thing, Tammy.
Waiter #1, pointing: Tammy's* either gettin' a poochy belly, or she needs to trim that beaver.
Waiter #2: It's beaver. I fucked her last month, after her sister died, and I thought I was suddenly in a '70s porno.
Manager: You guys need to go find something to clean.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Because We Don't Know What Can't Be Done
Boss: We're trying to fit a round square into a peg hole.
53 West Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Mark
9AM That Was Just a Test Run
Boss to new receptionist: These are some of the noises I make that will annoy you. This is my mouse clicking. This is me kicking the desk in front of me. This is my chair squeaking. Oh, and sometimes I just say 'shit,' like I have Tourette's.
Receptionist: Okay... [They go back to work.]
Boss: Shit.
200 West 16th St
New York, New York
2PM But Ranting Is My Chosen Artform!
Disgruntled woman: Did you get my e-mail?
Boss: Yes, but you're so consistently negative I didn't bother to read it. Plus, your e-mails are always too long.
Disgruntled woman: What?
Boss: From now on, you're limited to two paragraphs-- No! Two sentences. And try to be positive for a change.
Chantilly, Virginia
5PM All I Meant Was You Seem to Need a Lot of Stimulation... Dammit!
Male manager to female assistant carrying two cups of coffee: Double fisting? ... Wow, sorry. I'm sorry.
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emily
2PM It All Started Back in My Mother's Fallopian Tube...
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Employee: You really want to know?
Boss: No.
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
1PM The First-Ever Suggestion That College Leads to Sobriety
Woman: Man, I got so shitfaced last night. Major hangover. I'm not gonna get anything done.
Lackey: Well, good thing you're a VP. You can get away with that kind of thing.
Woman: I know, right? And I don't even have a college education!
Lackey: Guess I wasted those four years and workday sobriety for nothing. And all this time I could have been a hungover dropout.
Woman: Live and learn!
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Kate
9AM I Forgot That We Outsource Our Fraud
Employee: I can't process this according to your instructions.
Boss: Why's that?
Employee: It's against federal law.
Boss: I'll have someone else do it.
Seattle, Washington
1PM I Thought You'd Never Ask!
Salesman: And then you're cruising for a bruising.
Sales manager: How old are you?
Salesman: What?
Sales manager: "Cruising for a bruising"? My grandma said that!
Salesman: How about "truckin' for a fuckin'"?
Sales manager: OK.
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
3PM Singing Telegram?
Boss: So, your voicemail kicked me off because my message was too short. I can understand it cutting you off if you start in on a monologue, but what if you just want to leave a message saying, 'Fuck you'?
Rockefeller University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
3PM I Suppose I Could Have Tested Each One, But...
Newbie walking over to Poland Spring water machine: You know, I've never known which one of these is colder.
Boss: What you mean?
Newbie: I've never been sure if the red tab gives you colder water than the blue tab.
Boss: [Stares.]
Newbie: Do you know?
Boss: Yeah. It's the blue tab.
Newbie: Are you sure?
Boss: [Walks away.]
31 West Grove Street
Middleboro, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Ryan Engley
2PM But You're Certainly Correct about Her Gargantuan Gazongas
Male intern, about passing coworker: Wow... Those were some tremendous titties.
Female manager: Okay, so you know I'm your manager, right? You probably shouldn't say 'titties' to me.
Plymouth, Michigan
10AM I'm Just Saying
Employee: There's someone parked out back in my parking space.
Manager: I hate when that happens. Years ago this woman used to park in my spot all the time... She's dead now.
Birmingham Street
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
11AM Yeah, But She Never Did the Laundry or Cooked Dinner
Supervisor: He was just so big. I mean, they were married for five years, and they didn't even consummate the marriage!
Subordinate: Wow...but did they have sex?
260 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Marian
3PM Why Pot Is Still Illegal
Numbers guy: Wait, where did you get these numbers from?
Boss: Wikipedia.
Numbers guy: We can't use those numbers!
Boss: Why? Only reliable people post things there so it's okay to use the numbers in the report to the FDA.
St. Louis, Missouri
2PM You Have None of the Lying Skills You'll Need in Advertising
HR manager: How long do you plan to be with the company?
Girl interviewee: Until I find something better.
HR manager: Okay, I think that about does it. Thank you for coming in.
Brentwood, Tennessee
4PM Maternity Leave
Worker: What's up with Charlotte*? Is she okay?
Supervisor: I honestly don't know.
Worker: When I was pregnant, I worked all the way up 'til I dropped the load, and then I came back. Kids these days...
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1 on boss: Is he here? I think his light's out.
Coworker #2: I'm not even going to touch that one.
111 E Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
10AM Update PR File
CTO: My interview article is in USA Today!
Programer: Can you send me the link? Never mind, I'll just Google "USA Today".
600 Newport Center Drive
Newport Beach, California
3PM Lindsay & Andrew's Birthday Thing
Manager: You brought in cake and didn't include me in the e-mail?
Co-worker: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I got everyone.
Manager: Bitch.
260 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: briarose
10AM Send Out Packages
Call center worker: What does it mean, "do not ship domination"?
Call center supervisor: What?
Call center worker: "D-o-m-i-n-i-o-n."
26600 SW Parkway Avenue
Wilsonville, Oregon
9AM Back to Work
Office Manager: He handed her a paper or something. No, not a paper. It was something concrete, like a pen.
9130 South Dadeland Boulevard
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Lady Luscious
