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6AM Welcome to The Office
Boss: From now on, people, we're going to make Perfection our baseline.
The development team laughs.
Developer: Dude, whatever the fuck you've been reading, stop it.
1 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Mad William Flint
9AM Where Do You Think I'm Calling You From?
Boss on speaker phone: So I need you to give me those files, like, in five minutes.
Employee: Um.
Boss: I'm serious. I want them in my hand in five minutes.
Employee: You know that I work at home, right?
Boss: So?
Employee: So I live forty-five minutes away from your so-called "office"...Speaking of which, did you ever get that toilet out of the hallway?
3207 Hayloft Court
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
1PM Lunch
Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?...I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It's not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn't! I would know if it's in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I'm positive! I know it's not...Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it...?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass...go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don't I?
Secretary: Yep. And don't even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: mshorty
9AM Sure, Get Me a Crowbar
Graphics guy: What format are these files?
Boss: They're from the guy next door.
Graphics guy: Okay, but what kind of files are these supposed to be? There's no extensions so I can't open them in anything unless I rename them all and just guess the extension until I get it right.
Boss: Can you open them and check?
2245 Royal Windsor Drive
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Bob
12PM From the Runaway Best Seller 'Affirmations for Stupid People'
Manager, to himself: I am a ball of fire. I am a BALL OF FIRE.
Far reaches of Eugene, Oregon
11AM The Bridges of Heisenberg County
Boss: Well, we'll come to that bridge when we cross it.
Assistant: I would certainly hope so.
Boss: What?
Assistant: Nothing.
Kansas
1PM Lucky I Have You to Look after the Details
Boss: ... So I said, 'Two words: Go fuck yourself.'
Employee: Three words, boss.
Boss: Whatever.
Hadera
Israel
Overheard by: SmR
9AM Give Him the Cup When He Hands in His Copy
Department head to HR manager: I don't fucking care who caught Drew* doing who or what in the bathroom! You do not drug test editors two weeks before the deadline!
McKemey Road
Chandler, Arizona
9AM Hey, That Loaf of Rye Was Totally Coming on to Me!
Boss: That's what I hate about these people who take the Bible literally: it's so pick and choose! What about all the parts where you get stoned for looking at bread the wrong way?
Print shop
Sunset Park, Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: milu
1PM Compounded by My Lack of Clothes
Manager: It gets really cold in our office. I haven't figured out the reason yet, because I'm not a physicist. I think it has something to do with the air conditioning coming on.
California
12PM You Mean Its Public Face or Its Seamy Underbelly?
Coworker: There is a really neat installation art center in Omaha.
Boss: What city in Omaha?
Coworker: Uh... Omaha.
Boss: Right, but what city?
Coworker: [Long pause] Hard to say.
Woodhaven, New York
2PM You Need to Do Both Sessions. Twice.
Manager #1: So, what do we do if any of our employees don't show up for the mandatory Ethics Training?
VP: You direct them to the supplemental Ethics Training, online.
Manager #2: Couldn't we just write their names in on the sign-in sheet and say that they were at the ethics thing?
Melville, New York
4PM All Part of the Element of Surprise
Senior officer: They keep changing the uniforms! I can't tell who's in the Navy and who's parking cars!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
4PM Kill Andrew Ridgeley
HR Manager: Hey guys, I'm starting a new club in the office. Do you want to join?
Employee: Um sure, what kind of club is it?
HR Manager: It's a club for people with Wham!'s song "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" stuck in their heads. Congratulations, you are all now members!
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
9AM I'm Talking Quantum-Singularity Black
Manager: Could you make this a lighter red?
Designer: You mean pink?
Manager: No, not pink. A lighter red.
Designer: Uh...
Manager: And this part here -- do you have a darker black?
Designer: No, black is pretty much black.
Manager: Well, it needs to be darker than black.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: bobby
3PM After Delegating His Memory to Abby, Frank Experienced Difficulty With Remote Access
Boss, on phone: Abby*, it's Frank*. I'm at the British Library, and there's a man looking at me.
Abby, on other end of phone: ...Yes?
Boss: Who is it?
British Library, 96 Euston Road
London, England
Overheard by: hapless
12PM Stupid Cracker
Executive: Where's the resume I asked for? Where's Bashir's* resume? Goddammit, I can't find that idiot's resume. Stupid Indian.
Assistant: [Silent.]
Executive: So anyways, have you been following this Don Imus thing?
420 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Sometimes Only Interpretive Dance Will Do
Manager: How do you tell the client that they're an idiot? What's the wording I should use for that?
1 South Road
Harrison, Ohio
1PM No, Just for Endemic Racism
Interviewing manager looking at resume: This is what? Your middle name? What language is this?
Interviewee: It's Hawaiian. I'm part Hawaiian.
Interviewer: Oh... So, did you have to wait for the white man to get there before you had a language?
San Diego, California
9AM So We'll Know Who to Replace You With
Office manager: I mean, when we interview warehouse employees, why are we asking them if they have Excel experience?
Warehouse supervisor: What the hell is 'Excel'?
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Why Larry Got the Shaft
Branch manager looking for small, hand-held calculator: I need one of those hand jobs in the lobby.
808 South Main Street
Elkton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
9AM Back to Work
Teller: I haven't decided yet if I'm going to see The Da Vinci Code. I want to see it, but if I do I'll feel like I'm. . . supporting. You know?
Bank AVP: . . . Supporting?
Teller: The Devil!
Long pause
Bank AVP: Tom Hanks is the devil?
48 Clifty Kirkmansville Road
Clifty, Kentucky
12PM Why the Germans Were Lost When the Berlin Wall Came Down
Boss #1: Most of our people in philanthropy are on coke... They get the work done, but the meetings are like coke conventions.
Boss #2: I had an ex-girlfriend who was always on a lot of coke. I didn't know it, though. I thought she just had a lot of energy. Once, when she was really high, I had to throw her against a wall to snap her out of it.
Boss #1: Well, that's what you have to do sometimes.
Miami, Florida
12PM Trained Boll Weevils
Boss: How do I get a binder for this stuff?
Assistant: There's one in the cabinet.
Boss: Um, how do I get the holes?
Assistant: What?
Boss: How do the holes get in the paper?
3080 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM They Come in Handy in Many Other Situations, Though
Boss commencing presentation with safety information: In case of fire, there are two exits to my rear.
411 Keeler Avenue
Bartlesville, Oklahoma
10AM Oh! If I'd Known, I Would've Brought My Brain.
VP: Hi! Nice to see you. I hope we'll be meeting soon!
Ad agency rep: Yes, like right now? Since that's why we're here.
Central Park South
New York, New York
10AM An Hour Later You'll Want to Watch the News Again
Art director: Is it wrong that I saw something on the news about a triple homicide in Koreatown, now I'm craving Chinese food?
Los Angeles, California
9AM No, the French Are What's Wrong with France
Employee #1: It's them damn environmentalists that make the gas prices so high.
Employee #2: Yeah, those morons won't let us drill for oil anywhere. They're what's wrong with this country.
Employee #1: Yeah, them and the French.
North 6th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Environmentalist
12PM Order 10 More "Gigabytes" (?)
Boss: Do you know where the gigabytes are? I need some more for my computer.
Employee #1: What are you talking about?
Boss: Are they in the closet?
He goes looking in the closet for about five minutes.
Boss: Seriously, do you know where more gigabytes are?
Employee #2: Maybe they're in your pants.
N59W14909 Bobolink Avenue
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: LeeAnn Michaud
3PM You'd Pick It Then Turn It into Sauce?
Boss: I don't produce much chest hair, but if I did, I would tend to it like a gardener tends to a beautiful tomato.
Waltham, Massachusetts
9AM That's How We Write These Headlines
Boss: I wonder what I could accomplish if I had 10 more hours in a day and a bucket of speed.
East Street
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
4PM I Know It's True for Me, at Least
Head trainer: Let's face it, if you could be all that you could be, you wouldn't be working here...
Class: [Silence.]
Trainee #1: [Applause.]
Trainees #2 and #3: [Applause.]
Mutual of America, 320 Park Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Client Meeting
Boss talking to client and client's son in front office: So this is your youngest boy, isn't it? I've met him before.
Client: Uh... I don't think you have.
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure I have.... He's Down's Syndrome, isn't he?
Client: No
98 Fitzroy Street
Grafton, Australia
Overheard by: gus shanks
9AM All New Uses for Those Beams of Light from Their Chests
Boss to another: Do not look up Care Bear porn!
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
3PM Who Put This in My Mouth, Anyway?
Boss: What the hell is this in my mouth? It's not the butterscotch I expected, that's for sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
4PM Performance Reviews
Manager: She's actually very bright, she just doesn't speak or write.
200 West Oak
Fort Collins, Colorado
3PM They're Trading Asian Men
Asian coworker: What are you doing?
Caucasian coworker: Assembling the trade booth so we all know how to do it.
Asian coworker: Trade booth?
Caucasian coworker: For conventions, we set this up so people know who we are.
Asian coworker: What are you trading? Can I trade?
Caucasian coworker: Nevermind! Go back to your desk!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
12PM Stephen's Retroactive Skill With Metaphors Did Not Go Unnoticed in His Quarterly Review
VP: Yeah, and if we go over there, we could get all our stuff back. We have a whole bunch of equipment in China stuck in escargot.
Director: Um...You mean escrow?
VP: What did I say? Escargot? Well that works, too, since it's so slow in getting back to us.
Director: Sure it does.
45th Street and 9th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: melissa
2PM Have You Considered Giving Puberty a Try?
Boss to magazine editor on phone: Hello? Sorry, what's your name? Jeff? Jeff? Really? Sorry, it's just... you sound like a woman.
UK
9AM Guess We Could Tell Her Who's Dead, but What Fun Is That?
Female coworker #1, sobbing in bathroom: I can't believe he's dead!
Female coworker #2: Neither can I!
Female coworker #3: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Senior female partner, entering bathroom: Having a bad day? [Coworkers #2 and #3 nod.] You know what works for me?
Female coworker #3: Oh... Yes? What would that be?
Senior female partner: I put one hand over my heart, and the other hand over my stomach. I breathe in deeply. I then say to myself, 'I'm here. I'm right here, right now.' It works every time! I feel better straight away! [Long silence, then] Okay, well, [waves goodbye and leaves].
Female coworker #3: Wow. You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Collins Street
Melbourne
Australia
4PM How about I Shoot You in the Temple and We'll See Which Way You Recoil
Boss: I want to put new labels on these binders. The labels must be capitalized and all face the same way. [Tilts head to the left, and then to the right] I am just not sure which way I want them to face. I don't know if I prefer to tilt my head to the left, [tilts head again to the left], or if I prefer tilting to the right.
Santa Cruz, California
1PM Syntax Error
Boss: Your code no longer doesn't not fail.
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Eric
2PM I'll Be Happy If You Show Up on Monday
Boss: I was going to ask you to come in on Saturday, but then I realized what day it was and who you are, so never mind.
Mineola, New York
9AM The Game's Decided -- They're Just Running Out the Clock
Election board office manager: I don't know if you're aware, but every election you need to contact all the local funeral homes about absentee voting.
Worker: Ummm, funeral homes? Don't you mean nursing homes?
Election board office manager: Oh, yeah. Whatever.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Xanadu
3PM Eventually, Sure
Manager #1: So did you have a nice birthday party?
Manager #2: Not yet. My older brother's birthday is two weeks after mine, so we always just have one big party that weekend.
Manager #1: Oh, wait, wouldn't that make you the older brother?
Panera, 3043 Glendale Avenue
Toledo, Ohio
2PM You! Write This Down!
Boss in team meeting: I know these conversations are going nowhere, but we're on a deadline so we need to get nowhere faster!
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
10AM For Murphy, It's Skywriters or Nothing
Suit: It's been a big thing. I've sent a bunch of emails about it.
Boss: Yeah, I've ignored them. Sorry.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: It's not my project
1PM But He Is Dating Both Allen and Julia
Boss: I don't know why he's so moody.
Employee: I know! I think he's bipolar.
Boss: No, I don't think he even likes the cold.
Imperial, Pennsylvania
10AM What Can I say, it Gets his Wife hot
Coworker on phone: You'd be an amazing human being if you brought me some nibbles on your way here. If not, then you're clearly the mongoloid I always suspected you to be.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM See, I Kinda Want to Know What It Is Now...
Boss #1 to new lab worker: Okay, now we add the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What are you doing now?
Boss #1: Adding the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: Oh... What is that?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What is that?
Boss #1, irritated: Virus supernatant!
Boss #2: But what is it?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant!
Lab worker #1 to boss #2: Hey, Lou*, what is that? Is it virus supernatant?
Science research building
St. Louis, Missouri
11AM And If We Hit the Wall, Keep Going
Boss: I really want us to go the whole 11 yards on this.
Employees: [Silence.]
Boss: Oh, sorry! Twelve. We need to go the whole 12 yards.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
3PM No Responsibility Is So Slight That It Can't Be Abused
Manager: Just because I'm a manager they are treating me like I can't be a customer! I wanted to put something on hold and they said, 'No, that's for customers.' I have a key to this bitch! I'll be all up in here ringing that shit up myself.
Valley Stream, New York
Overheard by: J-Face
5PM That Reminds me, I have to go let Mom out of the Stocks
Hick coworker #1: There was nuthin' wrong with slavery. My family had slaves. They was like family.
Hick coworker #2: I know, I agree. My family's slaves didn't leave after emaciation because they were happy. We treated them like family.
Athens, Georgia
Overheard by: Happy I moved to a blue state
1PM God, I Love Doing That to Her
Manager: So, we should totally take a consensuous on that with the entire team.
Employee: Consensus.
Manager: What?
Employee: Consensus.
Manager, laughing: I should totally carry around a thesaurius with me! [Employee walks away.]
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: BeeMonstre
3PM There's a Big Switch at Al Gore's House
Boss: Wait, is the internet on?
Bethesda, Maryland
3PM The Kind God Hates
Boss: Wait, what's 'fornication'? I don't know that word. Is it like fighting?
Coworker: Uh, no. It's like sex.
Roselle, Illinois
Overheard by: my vocabulary is better than yours
5PM Her Office Is Decorated in a SpongeBob Theme
Hiring manager: I think I need to go have some fun.
Training manager: If you want to have a good time, you need to come into my office! ... If you want to have some fun... [Face turns red and she walks into her office.]
2835 Decker Lake Boulevard
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Cubicle spud
4PM Which Is the Legal Definition of 'Best Lawyer'
Boss man: We need a lawyer to handle this. If it were 5 years ago, I'd call my brother. He was the one of the best lawyers in the country, but he can't help me anymore because he's been disbarred.
Midtown
New York, New York
2PM Really? That Much, Huh?
Boss on phone with client: So, what's been going on? In a new company? You spreading your legs and taking it all in?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: only female in the office
3PM Ummm, What Were We Talking About?
Manager: How could you let this happen?
Clerk: I forgot.
Manager: You forgot? How could you forget? It's so hard to forget! It's easy to remember and hard to forget! Remember that! Haven't you ever forgotten something and you tried to remember it? That's how easy it is to remember!
1618 Main St.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Ydnas
12PM Why Are You Looking at Me Like That?
Male boss to female employee: The best way to learn is on your knees. That way they don't fall as far if you drop them.
Orlando, Florida
1PM How Did You Get Both Feet into One Sock?
Boss: You know those people from Saudi Arabia?
Assistant: Yes.
Boss: Are they Iranians?
Franklin Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Lunch
Office Manager: How do you spell "Useta"?
Co-worker: Use it in a sentence.
Office Manager: I "useta" drink Cokes; now I only drink water.
Co-worker: That is an Arkansas word.
1700 Westpark Drive
Little Rock, Arkansas
11AM Ma'am This Is the New South
Old white lady: Excuse me, where do you keep your knickers?
White supervisor, nervously: What? I don't have any...
Clothing store
Ocala, Florida
11AM Do You Dress Right or Left?
Hiring manager to IT guy: We have an applicant who says he has some python under his belt, and I was wondering if there were any questions I should ask him.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: IT guy
5PM Phew! I Haven't Either
Manager going to lunch with friend: Did you leave yet?!
Friend: Um, no.
360 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM I Want to Know Why I Called You
Manager: Excuse me, sir, do you have me on speakerphone?
Guy: No, you have me on speakerphone!
Manager: Oh, look at that. Sorry, this is a bad connection -- are you on a cell phone?
Guy: Yes, you called my cell phone.
Manager: Oh, right. Do you have a desk phone I can call?
Guy: No, you called my cell because I am not in the office. Now, what do you want?!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Is He Serious?
2PM Call Tech Support
Co-worker: I think my computer just froze up. The mouse pointer won't move on the screen.
Supervisor: Did you check the batteries?
1350 Massachusetts Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM In the UN Intramural League, we're Just 'Dem Bums'
Engineer to lunchroom: So do you guys know if we're officially called 'United States of America' or is it just 'United States'?
413 Pine St
Seattle, Washington
10AM We Will Now Commence with the Floggings
Manager: Okay, creatives, since [creative director] is away this week, I've decided to make you comfortable: Motherfucker, cunt, snatch, bitch, motherfucker!
Adelaide Street
West Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: just passing through
2PM Whether You Live There or Not!
Boss: You shouldn't throw glass stones at a house!
155 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Plausible Deniability
Attorney: I need a [investi]gator for a hand job.
Staff: Ha, ha! You mean a 'hand delivery'?
South Jefferson Avenue
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Left Lobe
3PM This'll Be the Worst Staff Meeting Ever
Manager: I purposefully wore pants with strategically large pockets for the cowbell, but it still got stuck.
72 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: deep pockets
5PM Sometimes on the Highway, He Just Lets Go of the Wheel
Boss: I'm just going to stop taking notes and just use yours after the meeting, because I have no idea what's going on.
545 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Instead We'll Have a Class on "Constructive Disagreement"
Male boss, after female employee leaves room after argument: Now I know why men beat their wives.
465 Democrat Road
Memphis, Tennessee
11AM You Can Buy Those Signs at Home Depot
Boss: All signs point to them being assfucks.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Picture Drawer
10AM Fraternizing Is Wrong, but I Just Can't Help Myself
Lieutenant: I can't wait to get my hands on your package and give it a good scrubbing.
Oak Harbor, Washington
4PM I-W-I-S-H-I-C-O-U-L-D-F-I-R-E-Y-O-U
Boss: Hey, how do you spell 'Japanese'? [Peon spells it.] Hmmm, do you think she was Japanese? How do you spell 'Chinese'? [Peon spells it.] I don't know if she was Chinese, though... Here's what we'll do -- [begins typing letter] 'The child speaks Asian...' Wait, how do you spell 'Asian'?
1000 West Central Road
Mount Prospect, Illinois
Overheard by: I work here?
4PM We Know It's Gonna Be Good for Us
Manager: There is a difference between playing with ourselves and playing with our customers.
8033 Lory Student Center, Colorado State University
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Alli
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Where is Luke*?
Assistant: He took a day off. His brother got meningitis.
Boss: That's a bitch. If his brother doesn't die he will be a complete idiot for the rest of his life.
Assistant: How you know that?
Boss: I had it as a child.
101 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Which Is Why I Had You Read That Book on Smoke Signals
Coworker: Here's the information you wanted.
Boss: I don't want paper -- it'll get lost on my desk.
Coworker: Do you want me to e-mail them to you?
Boss: No! It'll get lost in my inbox.
Coworker: So to get this straight, you don't want the info on paper or e-mail?
Washington
4PM Tough Sell
Manager: If we are going to appeal to the youth market, we are going to have to euthanize our marketing materials.
Associate: That means to kill people.
Manager: Whatever.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM I Said, 'F-U'! And How Do You Spell His Name?
Data architect manager: And the new tables -- who's taking care of that?
DBA: Danny Phu*.
Data architect manager, making a note: Danny... F-U?
DBA: Excuse me?
1555 Lundy Parkway
Dearborn, Michigan
5PM Sure, Emperor -- Sure
Boss: Just because I don't wear my clothes to work doesn't mean I don't have them.
55 Elk Street
Albany, New York
Overheard by: clothed employee
5PM And Wandering in Traffic?
Admin assistant: I hear that Jay-Z and Beyoncé actually have an open relationship.
India-Indian boss: Well, it is no surprise since she does not want to get married.
Admin assistant: I guess you're right.
India-Indian boss: I mean, why buy the milk when that cow is just outside?
685 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
11AM "The Crow Flies at Midnight"
Boss: Let's be clear about this... Actually, no, let's be unclear.
10900 Martin Luther King Drive
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM That Thing Filled Up Years Ago!
European boss: Okay, James* -- make reservations for us at the Mayflower.
American lab member #1: What? The Mayflower?
European boss: Yes, isn't that what we decided?
American lab member #1: You mean the Wildflower?
European boss: Yeah, the Mayflower.
American lab member #2: The Wildflower, not the Mayflower.
European boss: Right, right. Wait... What is the Mayflower? Oh, yeah, that boat.
Clinical Sciences research building
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM We Need to Be Disoriented and Dangerous
Boss: We need to be the blind kids with the M16s playing soccer.
Suit: [Silence.]
Boss: You understand what I'm saying?
64th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
10AM Are We Done Yet?
Boss: Do you have five minutes so I can talk to you for a sec?
Orlando, Florida
9AM Which Was Named After the McDonald's Clown and That Suicide Girl
Employee #1: So how do we go about naming our aircraft?
Employee #2: Well, the Reserve has a plane named The Spirit of Ronald Reagan.
Employee #1: Who is that named after?
Boss: It's named after the airport, I think.
The Pentagon
Arlington, Virginia
12PM You're Too Hard on Yourself, Marcia
Shop foreman: I wish I was a woman so I could be pretty.
I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
Overheard by: Jocelyn
4PM Just Singe the Page a Bit
Company president: I love the photo [of a blonde girl on the beach] you used on this brochure. It's perfect. But can you keep the same photo and just make her black instead?
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Office Peon
3PM Slush Pile
HR manager: God, I hate it when you bring me that junk!
Admin: These are people's resumes.
HR manager: Fine, shove your junk in my box.
Admin: Excuse me?
HR manager: Just leave it in my box. I'll throw it away in the morning.
80 Grasslands Road
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Oh you fucking idiot!
Pause
Boss: Why don't you just go home, you wanker!
Boss walks out of the office.
Employee: Who are you yelling at?
Boss: Me, I'm going home!
301 Pirie Street
Adelaide, Australia
Overheard by: Jessica
11AM Budget Meeting
Boss: I am not going to repeat myself... I said I am not going to repeat myself.
Suit: You just lost all credibility.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
2PM Order Lab Supplies
Boss: Where are the nipples?
Lab employee: Nipples?
Boss: Yah, the nipples. You know, squeezie squeezie?
Lab employee: Do you mean pipette bulbs?
Boss: Whatever.
6275 Nancy Ridge Drive
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Meghan Lake
10AM I Promise Not to Hold Your Hand to the Waffle-Iron Again
Manager to petrified new waitress: Relax, dammit! I said to relax!
8511 Lilley Road
Canton, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
4PM And Not the Other Way Around
Art director, peeling an orange: I wish homeless people smelled like oranges.
Oak Lawn Avenue
Dallas, Texas
11AM That's What I Think of Pleated Khakis on Men
Product manager: So, it's a win-win situation, but without the wins.
70 East 55th Street
New York, New York
4PM And Someone Stole My Paddle to Prop Up a Table
Manager roaming the halls: I want to hurt somebody.
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Dave
10AM When the Boss Is Happy, We Can All Relax
Boss, quietly singing: I'm a chubby little monkey, monkey, monkey -- I'm a chubby little monkey...
Harris Street
Pyrmont
Australia
Overheard by: i am too!
2PM Or Your Christless Superstition
Manager at staff meeting: Let's go around the table, and everyone state your religion.
Pasadena, California
12PM Lest My Hostile Work Environment Leak Out
Sleazy office manager: She's got it going on! I'd fuck the shit out of her in a heartbeat! Oops, I should probably close the door.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Somebody's Been Playing with His Dictionary
Manager: Look at those reports to see if any of the spelling has whacked off.
13490 Bass Lake Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Trying to keep a straight face
2PM I'm Also a Little Vague on What We Do Here
Boss to assistant: Well, I don't remember what all I had, um, asked you to do before I went on vacation, but did you, like, um, do it?
Non-profit agency
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: steeleskillz
3PM So I Can Relate to You Guys Who Know Nothing
Information technology director to management team: You know me - I'm not real technological.
125 S Congress Street
Jackson, Mississippi
4PM Sure, She Meets Lots of New People, but She Doesn't Get Their Names
Development manager: ... So then I told my wife that even if we raised our granddaughter she could still end up like her mother. I mean, she doesn't have tattoos, but she does drugs and she's a tramp.
IT analyst: Don't call your daughter a tramp, that's not nice!
Development manager: Why not? She sleeps with every Tom, Dick and Harry!
IT analyst: At least she has a social life.
1600 South 900 West
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Jealous
11AM You Have to Keep One Eye on Them at All Times
Supervisor surfing the net for "news": Look! A cyclops baby was born in India! This is what happens when I don't keep up with current events.
666 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
11AM When Yuppies Claim Workman's Comp
Manager, preparing staff party: Oh my God, look! I cut so much cheese I got a blister!
City Centre Building
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: evil twin
5PM ... In Kangaroo Court
Lawyer: Does it smell in here?
Secretary: Yeah, it smells like bacon.
Lawyer: It smells like the kind of bacon grasshoppers eat.
Bridgewater, New Jersey
9AM Could I Have Some Privacy?
Boss eating old almonds: Oh... God... I feel like I'm eating from a squirrel's ass.
Goderich
Ontario
Canadia
12PM This Week I'm Speed-Reading a Case of Châteauneuf-du-Pape
Manager: Instead of wine night, we call it 'book club.'
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
12PM No Wonder the Pages Get Upset with Us
Boss: G-mail chat is like the grown-up, mature version of AIM, even though we still talk about pee-pee and poo-poo.
2 Massachusetts Avenue
Washington, DC
11AM In the Corner Office
VP : So tell me again, why should she get a raise?
Director: She's been with us fifteen years, just completed her Masters and has made a lot of money for us the last 10 years.
VP: Listen, we don't give out raises for people who do a good job. You've gotta have a better reason than that.
1600 East Wendover Avenue
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Tom Duehring
5PM When Government Leads, the People Will Follow
Manager: What's this? Everyone acts stupid all of a sudden.
2300 Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
10AM If They Happen to Get Motivated, That Can Be Their Christmas Bonus
Service manager: We are not here to motivate employees. We are here to make them do their jobs.
Mavis Road
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Then How Come X-Rays Are Black and White, Smart Guy?
Office manager: Have you ever seen the images from an MRI? It's amazing the beautiful colors that are inside of our bodies!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: glorified gopher
4PM He Means He Wants the Final Text Written on Papyrus
Boss: I don't need to see everything before it goes out the door. Just send me a final, final, rough draft.
Union Square
New York, New York
12PM Beta Testing (Cont'd)
Boss: By the way, I changed a lot of your code, so if it breaks, that's why.
5720 Green Circle Drive
Minnetonka, Minnesota
11AM EOY Staff Meeting
Manager: We're all sharks. Remember, guys.
Employee: Huh? Sharks?
Manager: Yeah, we're all like sharks. Sharks have to keep moving their whole life or they'll die. They never stop moving. So keep moving, guys! We're sharks!
Employee: So basically what you're saying is that if we stop moving, you'll kill us all?
208 Chain Lake Drive
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
10AM They Must Work at Another Law Firm
Boss: The funniest thing just happened. I've had a banana in my bag for like a month. When I opened my bag a whole bunch of gnats flew out!
Underling: Is that why there are flys all over our windowless office?
Boss: No.
10201 W. Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Dude! You're Getting Mocked On Our Site!
Manager: We need to be less stupider on how we do...things...We need to work on our synergy, ensure we're interlocking with our process improvements...You need to have a sense of urgency, a relaxed urgency where you don't hurry anyone else but you.
1 Dell Way
Round Rock, Texas
Overheard by: Anonymous Tech
2PM Nobody Said a Word about Functionality
Quality manager: Well, why doesn't it work?
Software manager: Because we didn't write it that way.
Redmond, Washington
10AM So: No Desk and a Series of 'Special Projects'
Female boss: Well, there's other ways to handle it.
Male boss: I know. It becomes, 'Why should I fire you when I can make your job miserable and make you quit?'
55th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Reminded Me Why I Hate Calling Home
Manager: Earlier today my dad almost got eaten alive by our chickens.
7th Street NW
Washington, DC
10AM The Nexus of the Late '80s Savings and Loan Debacle
Bank teller supervisor: She started working there when she was 18, and now she's 46. Yeah, she's been there 36 years.
1813 E 9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
3PM Everyone Else Was Afraid of Heights
Proud boss, hands on hips: I got a call from my wife today. I'm going to be Jesus Christ tomorrow in my church play!
Nashua, New Hampshire
Overheard by: freakazoid
5PM That's a Wrap
Clinical Services Manager: I hate it when my email is full of porn!
Clinical Services Assistant: Well, at least it's not kiddie porn.
Clinical Services Manager: Wait, they make porn with cats in it now?
999 Home Plaza
Waterloo, Iowa
Overheard by: RicaChica
11AM Conference Call
Employee on phone: Yeah, that's a little redundant.
Boss: You can say that again.
1 Whitehall Street
New York, NY
11AM All Hands Meeting
Manager: Okay, do you see anyone who is not here?
Employee: Uh, nope.
2913 Nueces Drive
Harlingen, texas
11AM Maybe Those Are Actually the Choices Down in Oz
Boss: Can you help me with this Word document? I want to change it so that the layout is horizontal instead of vertical.
Secretary: Okay, go into File, then Page Setup.
Boss: Yep.
Secretary: You see where it says "Page Source"?
Boss: Yep.
Secretary: Okay. Now you see where it says "Orientation"? Make your choice.
Boss: Gay or straight?
525 Collins Street
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Captain Pants
5PM According to My Personality Profile
Boss: I would rather be dressed in chaps and a police cap at the Blue Oyster Bar than be subjected to the XYZ Company* auditors.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: K67
5PM Or Time Management. Whatever.
Office manager: I'm going to Google time travel!
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: The Office Bitch
5PM Like Bob?
Former military guy: Yeah, back when I was enlisted we used to joke that if we ever won the lottery that we would take off all our military owned equipment and walk out the front gate of the base in nothing but our underwear.
Senior admin: Oh my gosh! Wouldn't that mean you would be considered AOL?
North MacArthur Boulevard
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
3PM Where the Money Was
Cube dweller on phone: Hi, boss, we just got robbed!
Manager: Oh my god! Where?
Parade
Suva
Fiji
Overheard by: Siti
1PM Lunch
Manager: Does anyone else hear an ice cream truck?
Office: ...
Manager: I need a vacation so bad.
625 Second Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Aren't You a Little Curious about the Monkey Pushing the Mail Cart?
Boss: I have no idea what goes on, and that's the way I like it!
Balltown Road
Schenectady, New York
5PM Now Eat My Hot Canadian Bacon! Eat It!
Boss to customer: Would you like to try my meat? It tastes just like maple! Ask anyone -- they all tried it!
Lee, New Hampshire
5PM It's in Our Strategic Plan
Manager in meeting: We'll hit that bridge when we come to it.
London
England
3PM So We'll Do It Correctly, But It Will Be Morally Suspect
Boss: We won't do it wrong. We'll just do it a different way that won't be right.
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Mark
4PM I Shave First, of Course
Boss: I hate rubbing my hands on that while I'm banging away, so I cover all of the crevices with tape.
Portland, Oregon
9AM Like I Was Away on Maternity Leave, or That Our Company Doesn't Exist?
Boss on phone with lawyer: Last year? What? I don't remember last year. Hell, I hardly remember yesterday, let alone last year... Can't we just make something up?
Pearl District
Portland, Oregon
10AM Its Melody Is Semisweet
Trainer: 'Charismatic.' That's onomatopoeic.
Employee: What?
Trainer: Onomatopoeic. Like, when I say 'chocolate,' you can hear it.
Fenkle Street
Newcastle
England
Overheard by: Kaethe
11AM Crystal Ball
Boss on phone with IT: How do I see my future emails?
1246 Princeton Street
Akron, Ohio
8AM Remember: Theory and Then Practice
Boss: So when I format the hard drive, it erases the operating system too?
Worker: Yes.
Boss: Oh...
3937 Ivywood Lane
Pueblo, Colorado
5PM In Unrelated News, We Were Voted the Most Abusive Company of 2006
Company owner: Okay, so I haven't heard a real definition of 'bad touch' yet...
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
1PM Yes Sir, Mr. Gonzales!
Boss: Please stop reading up on our client. I need you to be able to do your job... It's a moral grey area.
1320 South Val Vista Drive
Mesa, Arizona
4PM Isn't Easy Being a Preacher, Is It?
Boss: The more questions you ask, the more explanations I have to give.
Sylvan Avenue
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
3PM We Ended Up Hiring the Stoner Ex-Con with Style
Manager: We didn't hire him because he wore Hush Puppies.
5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whitney
3PM Just Scan in His Photo and Use Face-Recognition Google
Boss: I went to school with this guy...I don't remember his name, but he just became the president of some real estate development company in DC. Can you look him up on the internet? I'd like to send him a note.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: office minion
3PM Love the Orange Lipstick, Though
Blonde manager: These hooker shoes are killing my feet.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM I'm Going to Appeal
Boss: I'm on the banana.
Library
Virginia
3PM But it Just Plays it on TV
Associate director, eating a hamburger: This is really good.
Executive director: Yeah, isn't it? It's their Angus burger. It's like real meat.
Southern Oregon
Overheard by: research associate
3PM Spellcheck
Boss: When you tie something around your mouth so that you can't make sound, what's that called?
Trainee: What?
Boss: Like if somebody is tied up and you put a rag in their mouth, what's that called?
Trainee: A gag?
Boss: How is that spelled?
Trainee: Uhhh...G-A-G.
Boss: How about gagged? Like, somebody is bound and gagged.
Trainee: G-A-G-G-E-D...what the hell?
Boss: It's all part of your training.
550 Eagles Landing Parkway
Stockbridge, Georgia
4PM Paradigm Shift
Boss #1: What's he doing up there? We're not supposed to park there now.
Receptionist: Subverting the dominant paradigm?
Boss #1: Which means?
Receptionist: Breaking the rules?
Boss #1: Hah! That's great. Hey [Boss #2]! You're subverting the dominant paradigm!
Boss #2: You don't know what subvert means!
Boss #1: I don't know what the hell paradigm means!
Boss #2: Now as for dominant. . .
Boss #1: Shut up!
3211 Martin Luther King Jr. Way S
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Lowly Peon
6PM There's Proactive, and There's This
Boss: So, uh, essentially, this meeting is about a meeting we're going to have. Sometime.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY
12PM Only If It's Rubbed with Truffles
Mid-level manager: I didn't know ham could smell fear.
Highland Hills, Ohio
11AM A Cover Charge Keeps Out the Riffraff
Company owner: I don't shove anything up my ass unless it costs at least 50 dollars.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
2PM 'If It's Wednesday, Peel My Sunburn'?
Supervisor: Can you print me out a label that says "If it's Tuesday, oil me"?
545 North 15th Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: KJean
10AM Making Copies
Manager: So yeah, you've got a bit of an accent there, are you from here?
Kinko's guy: Yeah, I mean, no, not really, I lived in Ireland until I was 3, and my family still has a pretty heavy tongue.
Manager: REALLY? That's fascinating! Can you speak some Irish for me?
Kinko's guy: 'hello'?
3374 W Tharpe Street
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: laughed out loud and totally busted my own eavesdropping
11AM System Implementation Meeting
Boss: It's not so much fast-paced as it is boring.
2700 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
11AM The Papers Are Still on Us about the Picnic
Boss: I don't want it turning into a mega gangbang.
226 Penarth Road
Cardiff
UK
11AM If You Need Further Guidance, I'll Be in My Office
Manager: We should prepare drawings for the real building instead of the fake building.
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Drewster
3PM The Privilege of Rank
Boss: The thought of it makes me want to throw up, so I thought I'd give it to you.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gee, Thanks
2PM That's Why You Shouldn't Mix Salty Foods with Carbonated Beverages
Marketing manager: Uh-oh. I just totally blogged.
4th Avenue and Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: embarrassed for you
6AM With Magical Skills Like That, They Should be CEO
Office Manager: I have to leave to go to physical therapy. I'm not sure how long it will take but I'll definitely be back before I leave.
1230 York Avenue
New York, NY
3PM And I Just Wanted to Thank You for Thinking of Me
Boss: There's nothing like walking to put the newspapers behind the circulation desk and looking out towards the front and having the first thing you see be the word 'penis.'
Library
Richmond, Virginia
11AM For Emily Five, Wherever I May Find Her
Boss: Thank god for Emily Five!
Coworker: What?
Boss: Thank god for Emily Five!
Coworker: Huh?
Boss: You know -- the whole London terror plot thing.
Coworker: You mean, 'MI5'?
Boss: Whatever... Thank god they were there to make sure we're safe.
1400 16th Street
NW Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neena
2PM PR Meeting
Boss on speaker: Okay then, I'll be over in about 30 minutes to look at what you've got for me.
Media person: Great, we'll see you then.
Boss on speaker: ...Great, now I have one more fucking thing to do today...Fuck...
Media person: Um...You're still on speakerphone, buddy.
1901 North Shoreline Boulevard
Corpus Christi, Texas
Overheard by: The lowly intern
5PM From My Big Book of Muddled Management Metaphors
Boss: You know, if you're behind the train, then you're probably driving on the tracks again.
200 West Oak Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
10AM Look, Next Time You Die, Just Handcuff Yourself to God
Manager: There's a sucker born every minute, and I keep getting born!
55 Railroad Avenue
Greenwich, Connecticut
Overheard by: CV
2PM Customer: Wouldya Look at This Bullshit?
Assistant manager, about e-mail to customer: Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Check Classifieds
Worker: What?
Boss: What?
Worker: Were you talking to me?
Boss: No, to myself.
Worker: Sorry.
Boss: How dare you eavesdrop on a conversation I'm having with myself!
8403 South Park Circle
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Mary H
5PM On That Arrogant Note, Have a Great 2-Day Hiatus
Boss: You can't send this email out.
Peon: Why not?
Boss: It doesn't make any sense. What's this word here?
Peon: Hiatus.
Boss: That's not even a word.
Peon: It means to take an extended break from work.
Boss: Look, if I don't understand that, how do you expect anyone else to?
111 Pine Street
San Francisco, California
5PM The Kind Amerigo Vespucci Used to Make
Boss: Mmmm! This pizza's good.
Employee: Oh, yeah. This deep dish one is great.
Boss: Oh, yeah. I saw that one, but it looked too weird to try.
Employee: Yeah, it's Chicago style.
Boss: Oh, that's why. I like just good old American-style pizza.
Frost Bank Building
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: dizzle
1PM Jersey? You Bastards!
Corporate boss on phone: Do you know where I am? Do you know where I am? I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... Roosevelt-fucking-Island! In a fucking trailer! This is my life, okay? I was nauseous this morning 'cause I'm a schmuck. I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... So tell me, does it get any worse?
Roosevelt Island, New York
Overheard by: Officetemp
11AM Review Plans
Assistant: Well, do you still have that copy of the Specific Plan?
Project Manager: I don't know where it is.
Assistant: Wasn't it on your desk yesterday?
Project Manager: Yeah, but I think it's spread its legs.
Assistant: What?
Project Manager: You know, spread its legs. You know what I mean.
Assistant: Sprouted legs?
1580 Metro Drive
Costa Mesa, California
9AM Not the Kind of Market Penetration We Want
Communications manager: Conclusion is, don't eat your sex toys!
Sex toy factory
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: TinkMom
3PM Not the Worst Wedding Toast Ever...
Boss: It's been a great week, except for the rash.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM If You Want Something Done, Straddle a Busy Person
Boss: She straddles a lot of balls in the air. She has the energy to straddle all of these balls.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Nice Guys Finish Last, in Every Way
Boss: I'm going to get wrinkles from making the sympathy face.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
11AM Of Course Because I Didn't Solicit It, He May Never Provide It
Manager: Sounds good. I asked Roger* for his unsolicited feedback on this, so that will be helpful.
42 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
5PM Damn Zombies Have Eaten the Quarterly Profits
Boss: Is there anyone with a brain out there?
10th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Another Graduate of the Chico Marx MBA Program
Manager: ... So let him know that he has 60 cards here, and he'll be charged for all 60. If he doesn't want all 60 -- say he only wants 50 -- then take five away and bring those back.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alexis
10AM Board Meeting
President: You really need to stop asking so many questions and start figuring things out for yourself, especially when you are out producing jobs.
Worker: You're right, I realize that. I'm trying harder.
President: And about this job you worked Saturday night; did you know what you were doing there?
Worker: To be honest, I wasn't sure on some things.
President: Well, did you ask anyone what your role was supposed to be? If you don't know something you really need to start asking questions. People are here to help you.
200 West 57th Street
New York, NY
10AM Product Meeting
Peon: Well, you know as they say, "Necessity is the mother of all invention."
Boss: That's cool, did you just make that up?
800 E. 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: jearu
11AM Now He's a Christian -- and Not in the Good Way
Boss: Yeah, he was into doing drugs -- and not in the good way.
San Francisco, California
10AM Like Alternate-Side Parking
Account manager: Um, it's called the UK. Sometimes it's a country, and sometimes it's not.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: When is it not?
11AM So Let's Just Tell Them There Are WMDs
IT manager: As long as we try to maintain intelligence, a lot of people are going to get confused.
Tonopah, Arizona
12PM Let's Touch Type, People -- Time's A-Wasting!
Boss: Let's get things set up. Let's move the mouse.
Bethesda, Maryland
11AM It's Good to Get the Roles Sorted Out before the Hooker Arrives
Boss on phone: Yeah, I'll bring the bottle of wine tomorrow... No, the plan is you make fun of my gout and then tease me with the bottle... Okay, great, see you then.
2694 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Covert Kitten
12AM Maybe A Drug Supplier Would Help
Senior Partner: How come my computer's not working?
Techie: It seems your hard drive crashed.
Senior Partner: That's not possible; I don't visit porn sites or any drug suppliers.
527 E. 78th Street
New York, NY
2PM You Know It Doesn't Involve Real Fire, Right?
Branch manager: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to fire him? I'll fire anyone -- I don't care!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss on phone: I was thinking about trying one of those vibrating condoms...Yeah, i've heard they are really great...Yeah, reusable. At least I'd re-use them, I'm not paying $15 for one time!...Yeah, I know. I just need to find a guy. I was thinking of calling [Keith] to see what he's doing on the weekend.
113 Wicks Road
North Ryde, New South Wales
Australia
4PM Order Crystal Ball
Department Head: I need everyone to let me know a day ahead if they want to use the car and that means whether or not you'll be late because of traffic.
Worker: But how will we know we are stuck in traffic until we are actually stuck?
Department Head: That's why I need to know a day ahead of time whether you'll be late because of traffic.
626 Coronado Terrace
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: james Landry
5PM Tell Accounting to Expect Another Body
Boss: ...in response to what you said--
Minion: What? I haven't said anything.
Boss: Oh, sorry...I was having a conversation with you in my head.
16 E. 34th Street
New York, NY
7PM Which Means You Have to Want to
Assistant: Is this poster going to be mandatory?
Manager: We're going to treat this as being required, but not mandatory.
227 W. Monroe Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Caleb Yarian
9AM Now, Would You Stop Bench-Pressing Me?
Supervisor to file clerk: You know, I really don't see you in the corporate workplace at all... I see you somewhere doing something violent like the American Gladiators or something.
101 South 5th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Candice
2PM So We Can Afford to Tell the Truth
Boss: The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
4PM ... The Bank, Too? You're Killing Me Here!
Manager: Where is the post office? Who even goes to the post office? That's just stupid!
Canal Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Fortune Cookies Are Getting More and More Gay-Positive
Queer boss to new female employee: Don't waste your time being a man who has sex with women.
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Sales Meeting
Director of Sales Support: If our salesmen were women they'd all be pregnant, because none of them know how to say no.
9898 West Bluemound Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
10AM Weekly Meeting
Boss: I kind of misinformed my own self.
1200 Joe Hall Drive
Ypsilanti, Michigan
12PM Update Site
Business Services Manager: I just sent you that logo in Word format.
Web Manager: Word isn't really an image format, but I can probably make it work.
Business Services Manager: Well, I probably have it in another format. I think I might have it as a Giraffe.
211 Commerce Street
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM Order Staplers from OfficeMax
Co-worker: Oh, there's my stapler! I was looking for it.
Boss: Actually it's my stapler. I own this company; everything here is mine. I'm just letting you keep it at your desk.
1718 Villa Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
6AM It Borders on East Virginia
Manager lady: She lives in New Mexico. New Mexico?! Where is that? Do they speak Spanish there? Is there an old Mexico?
186 Suburbia Court
Santa Cruz, California
10AM I Always Say Friendly Fire Is Better Than No Fire
Boss on phone: I'm the entrepreneur type -- I shoot from the hip. I figure I'll fix it when I'm finished messing it up.
Hayward Avenue
Carteret, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jay-B
12PM I Was Doing a Little Recreational Bleeding into My Brain
Creative director: I'm trying not to push myself today. I kind of had a spinal tap at three A.M.
29th Street
New York, New York
5PM The Best Managers Don't Even Show Up to Work
Chief technology officer: Can't we find someone else to do it?!
495 Circle 85
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Lizerati
3PM Boss Rule #2: Anything I Don't Know How to Do Must Be Easy
Boss: I don't see it as a big thing, I see it as a thing.
Woodbury, Minnesota
Overheard by: I can't believe I report to this guy
11AM Mrs. Clinton Takes Care to Maintain Her Authority
Boss, yelling in gruff voice: Mine's bigger!
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mickey the Intern
9AM The Judge Now Talks through a Hand Puppet
Attorney to secretary: You should be excited! There are no penises this time!
Courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Walking In At The Wrong Time
2PM Briefing
Marketing Manager: We have to prepare for the unexpected. For example, there was the one time last summer when AT&T went down on me for five painful hours, and there was just nothing we could do about it.
111 River Street
Hoboken, New Jersey
12PM Power Means Never Having to Be Coherent
Boss: Why didn't you have a cover letter on the copy to the client?
New employee: I didn't know I was supposed to have one. I didn't think to ask if I needed it.
Boss: From now on, if you don't know the question, you should ask it.
1700 66th Street
St. Petersburg, Florida
8AM Strategy: Articulating the Vision for Everyone
VP: Everyone in this organization knows that we have our shit together. And I know some of you may be thinking, "Jesus Christ, what the fuck is going on?", but we've all been there and we're fine.
321 Commonwealth Road
Wayland, Massachusetts
5PM But That Gerbil Was the Best Darned Chimney Sweep I'd Ever Seen
Male boss: It was uncomfortable how far up there she was.
Ellicott City, Maryland
3PM We'll Be Married 10 Years This April
Supervisor: I hate Jane Murray* with such glee, my hate for her actually brings me joy.
Manahawkin, New Jersey
2PM Features the Newest Letters and Numbers
Boss looking at her new laptop: There are too many keys.
Bank
New York
Overheard by: Tjay
1PM It's Hard to Be Kind to the Example-Challenged
Assistant branch manager: Have you ever watched that show called Bizarre Foods?
Employee: No. What is it about?
Assistant branch manager: Well, it's this show called Bizarre Foods, and they have the most bizarrest foods!
Employee: ... Hence the name!
Northwest Parkway
Georgia
10AM Your Sausages Bite?
Asian boss on phone: Where are you at right now? Oh, Miami?! I hate the mosquitoes there! They bite me like a sausage!
11020 Rush Street
Los Angeles, California
4PM Technical Know-How
Boss on phone: Wait, wait, wait, does your computer have Google on it? Yeah, just type it in there.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
10AM But That Has Nothing to Do with Curious George
Boss: Have you ever heard of a book with a swastika on the cover that didn't sell?
555 8th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM ... With a Dash of Corky from Life Goes On
Supervisor: [Former supervisor] was so hot -- like a cross between Colin Farrell and Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies.
171 17th Street
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM On the Plus Side, Absenteeism Is Way Down
Boss: The body bags take up a lot of room.
West 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: P
11AM Weren't You On The Electric Company?
Supervisor: I'm like the voice of truth. I'm the Superman of words.
8141 Riverside Avenue, Suite 7
Riverside, California
Overheard by: sylvie
5PM Now It's a Lot Easier to Sit Down
Boss: I took the hooker out.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dtell
5PM At Least He Could Say the Lipo Scars Are From Iraq
Boss: I would love to be the male equivalent of Tara Reid.
98 San Jacinto Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: amused
10AM Staff Meeting
Manager: Don't send information; it just confuses me.
8787 Orion Place
Columbus, Ohio
2PM And We're Getting the Most Peculiar E-mails
Boss: I don't know when we became such a mecca for church groups.
1975 Vineville Avenue
Macon, Georgia
2PM ... He Brings a Different Wife to Every Office Party
Boss: I'm not saying he's a polygamist, but...
29th Street
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: mfk
9AM It Clearly Works Differently For Managers
Manager: So you're saying that evolution works different for hobos? Okay, so as hobos get further away from the equator they become more evolved.
15 LC
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: TheChris
5PM That's a Wrap
Supervisor: Marlene*, I'm stuck in my chair again.
10105 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Street North
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Michael John
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: This is my senior picture in high school.
Manager: You were a cheerleader?
CSR: Yeah.
Manager: What happened?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
12AM "Please forgive me; I'm demilingual."
JP Morgan Office Manager: Do he know he have a meeting? Her said he have a meeting.
38 W. 75th Street
New York, NY
11AM That Kind of Unpredictability Is Half the Fun
Manager: It starts on the first half, and all of a sudden we're on the next-to-last half.
100 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Sadly, That's the Most Specific Feedback I've Gotten All Year
Failed hipster boss to peon: You're really quiet today. Stop being so fucking inclusive.
Middleton, Wisconsin
Overheard by: The Friendliest Emo of All
2PM How Often Is That Necessary?
Boss: Me and my wife would drive a hundred miles for a jar of good pickles!
10749 West 84th Terrace
Lenexa, Kansas
Overheard by: PeaveyMan
2PM Get Receipts to Billing
Boss: Did you find that receipt?
Underling: No, it's not in the receipt file. I checked every receipt for the last six months. It's not there.
Boss: Why don't you look again?
Underling: I knew you'd ask, so I looked twice already. It's not there. Is there somewhere else that you put receipts?
Boss: No, only the receipt file. But if it's not in there, it's not a big deal. Later today, if you have time, why don't you look again in the file?
Underling: Okay, but if it's not there now, it won't be there later.
Boss: Yeah okay, but why don't you just look again?
1028 East Private Road 1200 North
Farmersburg, Indiana
2PM Schedule Tech Course
Boss: Hey, my mouse arrow is reversed on the screen.
Worker: What...how?
Boss: If I go this way, it goes that way...Oh, never mind, I was holding it upside down.
10199 Riverford Road
Lakeside, California
8AM Though I Did Not Look, Still I Could See
Boss on phone: I couldn't find anything wrong with it, they did a great job. I mean, to be honest, I never looked at it, but I'm sure they did a great job. It looks good.
703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas
12PM I Know a Guy in NC Who Could Un-shit the Situation
Manager: Aw, did you bleed on my computer?
Tech: No, but a bird shit on it.
50 Vision Blvd
East Providence, Rhode Island
3PM The Year the Death Camps Came to Western Pennsylvania
Owner, to worker bee: I was told it was a good idea, so I thought it was a good idea.
Music store
Western Pennsylvania
Overheard by: tyronepower
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Your job isn't to solve problems; your job is to find solutions.
117 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Guido Sarducci
2PM I'm Up for Finding Out
Boss to statistician entering the room: We were just wondering if it was even possible to be overlay-ed?
Arnett Avenue
Lambertville, New Jersey
Overheard by: Overjoyed
11AM Tech Training
Manager: Can you spell my email address?
IT guy: It's your name!
Manager: I know, but could you spell it for me?
1979 Marcus Avenue
Lake Success, New York
Overheard by: Why am I the temp again?!?
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Okay [Megan], you're going to do all the work and I'm going to go get drunk.
Admin: Okay.
Boss: Oh, why was I born? I should've married rich.
Admin: Rich who?
99 Wall Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: We had Burger King breakfast in Mexico and it had refried beans and peppers in the eggs.
Manager: They were probably goat's eggs, not chicken eggs.
9353 Jefferson Highway
Maple Grove, Minnesota
12PM The Zen of Lunch in the Office
Businesslady: Are there places to order in?
Networking Guy: I've got a whole book of places to order in from.
Businesslady: How long does it take?
Networking Guy: How long is a piece of string?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Call Collections Dept.
Account Manager: I'm getting more serious getting these people to pay. I've been letting them know if they don't call me back, I'll have to take affirmative action!
General Manager: Do you know what that means?
Account Manager: Yeah! It means I'm serious!
General Manager: No, "affirmative action" is when you give someone a job just because they're a certain minority group or sex.
Account Manager: Oh. I bet they don't know what it means either!
1570 North McMullen Booth Road
Clearwater, Florida
12PM One Starbucks Holds a Hundred Wongs and One White
Manager: Ok, I don't mean to sound weird, but...
Receptionist #1: Oh, this is gonna be good.
Manager: I was at Starbucks on the 4th of July, and...it was all Asians! It was an Asian invasion! They were everywhere! I was going to ask if they were having a family reunion. Then someone else walked in the door, and [my 14-year-old daughter] nudged me, and it was another Asian! I've told [my daughter], "Ok, you can marry a Muslim! A black! A Jew! Just don't bring home an Asian!" They travel in packs and take pictures! And they are the worst drivers! Any time you see a bad driver swerving, weaving in and out of lanes? Asian! But, I mean, my tennis partner is Asian, so...
Receptionist #1: Becky*, you're a racist!
Manager: I'm not a racist...just to Asians!
An Asian client walks in.
Receptionist #2: Hi, Mr. Wong*!
4020 NE 55th Street
Seattle, Washington
2PM Call Technician
Copier Technician: Sir, your software isn't compatible with this machine. It's outdated.
Offie Manager: Well, the sales guy promised it would work.
Copier Technician: Did you try it out before you bought it?
Office Manager: No, I trusted the sales guy that it would do what he said it would do.
Copier Technician: Well, this isn't the first time you've dealt with a sales person, is it? When I make a significant purchase, I try it before I sign the contract.
Office Manager: How you ever going to get married, son?
Copier Technician: Sorry?
Office Manager: I said how you ever going to get married?
Copier Technician: I am married, sir.
Office Manager: Well, did you try out your wife before you got married?
Copier Technician: What?
310 Dorla Court
Zephyr Cove, Nevada
4PM Launch Meeting
Project Manager: So it sounds like the only thing holding us back from launching early is being ready.
Meeting: ...
1900 Prairie City Road
Folsom, California
Overheard by: Sumeet
12PM Revisit Questionnaire
Suit #1: All my clients complain that the questionnaire package we require is too onerous.
Suit #2: Really? I never get any complaint about ours.
Boss: Well, have you ever seen his package? Maybe you two should get together and compare packages.
245 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Meeting with NJ Branch Folks
Co-worker on phone: When you get out of the subway station start walking North--
Manager: Don't tell them that...your North is different from my North and it's a tarantula downpour outside. You don't want them walking the wrong way in the rain.
Co-worker: Everyone's North is the same and it's torrential downpour.
Manager: Everyone's North is the same? I always get my Norths mixed up.
535 8th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Angie Rowe
4PM Sounds More Like a Job for the Barbers
Boss: If he does that I'm going to go down there and beat the fucking crap out of him. They will have to call the cops just to refrain me.
120 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: Training Sherpa
9AM Back to Work
Boss: We are a team. If you tell me that you cannot work on your day off, then you are not being a very good team member.
1119 N. Brown
Casa Grande, Arizona
Overheard by: Alisa
10AM Software Shopping
IT: If we're going to upgrade, what would be the difference between versions 7.1 and 6.5?
Manager: .6
5301 Bolsa Avenue
Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Adam Westrich
11AM Prepare Mailer
Worker: Here's the envelope.
Boss: Did you know that the envelope is in the cantaloope family?
Worker: ...
4400 Massachusetts Avenue NW
Washington, DC
1PM Lunch
Director: It's one of those chicken-before-the-horse things.
925 4th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Blaque Mackintosh
12AM You Just Got Word-Served
Project manager: Well, the design document is undergoing revisement.
Tech lead: Excuse me, undergoing what?
Project manager: ...it's being revised right now.
Tech lead: Don't you mean revision?
Project manager: No. That would be like saying that listening to someone's advice is taking their words under advision.
One Charles Park
Cambridge, Massachusetts
12PM Post Job Listing
Boss: It's not like she's moving to another state; she's just moving out of state.
70 Charles Lindbergh Boulevard
Uniondale, New York
2PM File Claims
Department Manager: How do we file a claim?
Insurance Rep: Just download a claim form and fax it to us with your bill from the doctor.
Department Manager: Do we have to fax the original bill or can we just fax a copy?
Insurance Rep: Um...yes, it's a fax.
3900 West Avera Drive
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Overheard by: AllGladHere
10AM He's Still Using a Sundial
Boss: Call England and find out what time it is.
Assistant: Call who in England? England is 5 hours ahead of us, so it's 4:17 there.
Boss: Can you please listen to what I have to say and just call England? I need to be sure.
Assistant, two minutes later: I called England, and it's 4:19.
Boss: See, it pays to double check. You were 2 minutes off.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
10AM If We Keep Talking in Circles, the Truth Will Throw Up
CR manager: The membership grade is effective for a year from the grad date that they told us, but I don't think they'll remember the grad date they said... But it's not actually a year...
Ad manager: But it's good for a year. Doesn't it update automatically?
CR manager: It is automatic, except when it isn't. It only gets updated once a year, so it may be good for over a year.
Ad manager: So we can't say a year if it isn't a year.
14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: all ears
4PM Quarterly Assessment Meeting
Regional Director: So our biggest problem last year was we tried to take over the whole world, and the whole world is a big place. We need to think small, concentrate on taking over individual countries first...like Wisconsin.
2100 South Priest Drive
Tempe, Arizona
1PM One-on-One
The boss: Some people call it stupidity; I like to call it cleverness.
550 Dulany Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Toni
10AM Send [Tim] Over to Tech Support
Manager: [Tim], are you going over the off-site location?
Intern: Yes, I have to pick up the loaner laptop for [Kelly].
Manager: Can you drop this off to shipping and receiving while you are there? Might as well stone 2 birds.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
12PM Project Meeting
Manager: The first deadline is April 31st and second deadline is May 31st.
Employee: There's no 31st in April...So we have just one deadline.
Cyber Gateway building
HITEC City, Hyderabad
India
4PM Software Upgrade Project...Kill Me Now
Manager: Since most of these are not used, let's go through and upgrade those first, then we'll see what's left.
Programmer: If they're not used, we don't need to upgrade them, right?
Manager: Right, but we need to figure out which ones are used.
Programmer: Can't we figure that out by eliminating the ones that aren't used without upgrading them?
Manager: No, we need to upgrade the obsolete programs first.
580 Walnut Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
6PM Same Time Zone, Way Different Area Code
Employee: I just flew in from Spain yesterday, I'm totally jetlagged.
Department head: Spain? Is that in a different time zone?
4220 N. St. Louis Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12PM How Does Me Killing You and Assuming Your Identity Sound?
Boss: I found this [correspondence dated a week ago] in my inbox, waiting for my signature. It was Bill Smith's* estate tax return! Why didn't you tell me to check my inbox?? There's all kinds of stuff in there that hasn't gone out. You have to come up with a way for me to check my inbox more regularly so things like this don't happen again!
Secretary: Um, ok? Do you want me to set Outlook reminders that you'll ignore, or would you like to ignore me personally?
900 East Hill Avenue
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: She's Not Psychic
2PM Mailroom
Manager: So, I need to ship something to Belgium. Belgium is in the Netherlands, right?
15585 Highway 11 N
Cottondale, Alabama
Overheard by: BAMA
2PM Print Termination Letter
Boss: You know what my problem is? I'm too nice a guy. I fired [Lenore] this morning. I should've kept her on till the end of the day, but then I would've felt like I was using her. I'm an idiot.
Salesperson: That's two problems.
40 Shuman Boulevard
Naperville, Illinois
10AM Grab a Donut
GM: Why don't we have any donuts? We should have a Donut Day.
HR Manager: That won't fly, [Kevin]. I'm trying to promote wellness.
GM: Donuts make me feel well.
2512 Sage Valley Drive
Gillette, Wyoming
Overheard by: John Pettyjohn
11AM That's Why You Keep Forgetting Those Reports
Boss: Make sure you tickle your calendar to remind you to do the reports.
Co-worker: Tickle?
Boss: Use the tickler system; you do know what a tickler is, don't you?
Co-worker: Yes, but...you don't use the one I know at work.
810 Highway 6 South
Houston, Texas
12AM Then It Becomes Half Empty
VP: Do we really need all 3 engines to fly the plane?
Planner: I think so, it's a full plane.
VP: What if the plane is half full? Half the engines?
5001 34th Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM The Air Down There?
Boss: I would totally be in a movie about farting!
Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Marketing Push
Boss: I need you to bust out that postcard ASAP! It's priority number six!
Designer: Um, does it have to be done now or do five other things have to be done first?
Boss: Six is the new one!
Designer: I didn't get that memo.
15335 Morrison Street
Sherman Oaks, California
4PM I'm Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Boss: What do you think of blood dye?
3120 Lincoln Park Avenue
Los Angeles, California
4PM Retreat Planning Committee
Boss #1: So this year's convention will be at the MGM Graham in Las Vegas...What?
Boss #2: Did you say "graham" like graham cracker?
Boss #1: It's not "graham"?
3411 Pinnacle Gardens Drive
Louisville, Kentucky
11AM Diversity Seminar
Manager: I hate it when black people make a big deal about being black when they accept awards. It's like the Holocaust; they have to get over it.
4189 Route 9
Freehold, New Jersey
Overheard by: Robert Max Freeman
12AM Nothing is As Happening As Pleated Pants
Suit: On days other than Fridays, slacks are preferred. If you must wear jeans, black jeans are permitted, because they can look like, uh, a slacks process...is...happening.
490 S. Center Street
Reno, Nevada
Overheard by: Good Guy
11AM You Mean Argue for Years about What to Build?
Boss: We'll have to develop this from Ground Zero principles.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
4PM Why IT Dude Is Regularly Beaten Up
Deputy: There was a wreck this weekend where a guy hit a tree at 60 miles per hour. Ripped off the right side of his head. You could actually see inside his skull. We never could find his brain, though.
Project manager: Did it kill him?
IT dude: Nope, he is walking around, managing projects.
US Highway 69/75
Oklahoma
Overheard by: Firewall
12PM Sensitivity Training
Boss: We need to account for shipping to the Stans. You know what the Stans are, right?...You know, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iranistan, Kakistan, Islamastan...
Employees: ...
10418 Donner Pass Road
Truckee, California
12PM Staff Meeting (Cont'd)
Manager: Seriously, guys. We have to be careful...Anything like
that happens again, we'll be up a paddle without a handle.
606 Folsom Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve Benson
4PM Staff Meeting
Management: We've got to keep the inertia going.
7234 Lancaster Pike
Hockessin, Delaware
2PM Managers' Meeting
Manager: I'm sorry that was a dumb question, I just didn't have enough to eat before lunch.
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
12PM All-Hands Meeting
CEO: It's like the dog and the tail. The tail is the reward and happiness. The dog is how you get there, the hard work.
460 Phillip Street
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Plan Celebration Dinner
Big Wig: Look at that!
He gestures at stapled paper.
Big Wig: I got it in the same hole...I've been trying to get it in the same hole for twenty years!
633 Spirit Drive
Chesterfield, Missouri
2PM Tell Admin to Order Gingko Biloba
Boss: Maybe I'm suffering from a case of magnesia...uh, uh, you know, like I forget things.
75 Union Avenue
Rutherford, New Jersey
4PM Technical Meltdown
Boss on phone: I just want a human beeeeeeing! Bahhh! Why can't I just have a human being?...Oh thank god!Finally! A human being! Wait, you are a human being, right?...You haven't gotten this before?
2810 Blaine Drive
Chevy Chase, Maryland
1PM Lunch
Supervisor on phone: ...I dunno where. You like Korean food? Of course you do, you're one of them.
6101 Wetzel Avenue
Fort Carson, Colorado
12PM Final Party Prep
Boss on phone: All the invitations said black tie, so I bought a white shirt and a black tie and wore that.
8800 West Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Cpt. Rombone
8AM That "Something" Was Obviously Subliminal Erotica
Marketing manager: I made it up based on logic...or something.
1 Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
12AM That's Why It Reads "Boss"!
Boss: I don't understand the ramifications of what I'm asking.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
2PM How'd This Get in Here?
Manager to self, while cleaning store's sign: Scrubbing the N, I'm scrubbing the N... Cleaning a T, I clean the T, that's right... Scrubbing the A, I'm scrubbing the A... [Reaches through the center hole of the A.] Scrubbing the A-hole, cleaning out the A-hole... Wait...
Valley View Mall
Roanoke, Virginia
Overheard by: Amused newbie
5PM Looks Like I'm Staying Late
Boss: We had so many ideas outside of the box we needed a box to keep them in.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
9PM Their Service Seems to Be Quite Popular
Manager: That's supervision. We don't handle supervision. We handle oversight.
1 North Jefferson Avenue
St. Louis, Missouri
12AM Technically, He's for Affirmative Action
Manager: It's just that I don't want any of those old, white computers. The only good ones are black nowadays.
Engineer: That sounds pretty racist...
Manager: Well, I don't care.
41000 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
Overheard by: Stefan Bankowski
4PM That's Why We Have Weekends, Folks
Principal: I don't want the upgrade if it means I have to learn something new. I don't ever want to have to learn anything new.
1123 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Project Meeting
Project Leader: We are anticipating problems we haven't anticipated before.
4820 150th Avenue NE
Redmond, Washington
12AM If You Fire Them You're Not Their Boss, By Definition
In respose to several of our wholesale customers reporting strong on-line sales in December; Boss: We do all the work and they make all the money? We have a website too and it's time we started reminding these people of that! We need to be making a hell of a lot more money areound here than we are now. Time to start firing a few of these so-called "Top Customers". That'll fucking show 'em who's boss!
800 Boylston Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Lunch
Coworker: Who won the World Cup game?
Supervisor: Ghana beat the U.S.
Coworker: Aw, I wanted the U.S. to win!
Supervisor: Why? The U.S. wins everything. That's why we have the Olympics.
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
10AM Autopsy
Boss: I was hoping you could take care of it without a bunch of rigor mortis.
1701 Monterey Street
San Luis Obispo, California
12PM Order E-mail for Dummies
General Manager: I have an email problem, I need you to answer a question...Do I have to use all lowercase Ls here? Can't I use 1s? They look like 1s.
IT: No! You have to use Ls! That is how e-mail works! It's an address that you have to get right!
General Manager: It's hard to tell if it is an L or a 1.
IT: Well yes, but from context clues, the email says, "Little Girl."
General Manager: Well you know what they say about assuming. Makes an ass...you...me.
13601 FM 529 Road
Houston, Texas
11AM Look Into Service Contract
Peon: But if we didn't buy it from them, will they provide service?
Boss: It doesn't matter. This is an integral part of our everyday operation. If we have to buy a service contract, we will. If we give them money, they will service us.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
6PM If You Have to Ask, That's a "No"
Boss: Yeah, so when I run a report and it's taking a long time, I always think, "Am I hung, or what?".
2202 North West Shore Boulevard
Tampa, Florida
10AM Ops Meeting
Operations manager: We have to work on communication. We are not communicating with each other. It's a fault of everybody's, not to say it's a fault, but it is a weakness -- not just of mine but of everyone's. Maybe not a weakness so much as a failing.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
4PM Filing Frenzy
Police sergeant: Have you done those sexual child abuse talks at the school yet?
Civilian employee: Yes, and several of the children need to file a report.
Police sergeant: Great! Now we have more work. Whose idea was it to do those talks?
8620 California Avenue
South Gate, California
12AM When 80s Nostalgia Goes Horribly Awry
Coworker: Is that a copy of Ted Nugent's new book?
Boss: It is. He and his wife wrote it. Grill It and Kill It.
Coworker: Is that him on the cover? With his wife?
Boss: Yeah. She's hot, isn't she?
Coworker: She really is. Way to go, Nuge.
Boss: He must have started seeing her when he was in Damn Yankees. What was their song?
Coworker: "Can you take me high enough..."
Boss: Yeah. Those really were the days.
249 West 17th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Will Leitch
11AM Install Yahoo!
Boss: Do we have Google installed on our internet?
IT guy: We put it on your machine yesterday.
700 W. Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Getting Buy-in
Supervisor: I need to know the circulation of this piece.
Underling: I put it on the job request.
Supervisor: No, not how many people it's going to...
Underlings: Uh....
Supervisor: Oh, yeah, it's on there. Never mind.
401 Southwest 7th
Des Moines, Iowa
1PM Vacation Memo
Boss: Did I forget to tell you that we will be open this Monday? I decided not to close the office after all.
Employee: For what?
Boss: It's Labor Day, and I was going to close the office, but decided not to.
Employee: It's not Labor Day! Memorial Day is this month, but not until the end of the month.
Boss: It says right here on my calendar it's Labor Day. I thought it was weird that Labor and Memorial Day were in the same month.
Employee: Let me see that calendar. . . Oh, for God's sakes, do you see that M by the date?
Boss: Ummm, yeah.
Employee: That means Labor Day for Mexico!
Boss: No kidding! Wow, I feel really stupid!
Employee: Yeah, you should! Happy Labor Day, Senorita!
4302 West Crystal Lake Road
McHenry, Illinois
Overheard by: Gramma
1PM Lunch
Supervisor: This is the best chicken since sliced bread!
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
12PM Product Meeting
Boss: Oh, one other thing. I didn't think the Sunday [product] was very strong.
Worker: Well, what would you have done differently?
Boss: I'm not really sure...I just think we needed something different there.
Worker: Like what?
Boss: Well, that's really the question, isn't it?
120 West First Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
10AM Cut Checks
Manager: They really need to pay this month's rent 'cause I lost their money order last month and that makes them 2 months behind.
108 North Belvedere Boulevard
Memphis, Tennessee
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Take me as a critic, but then also look at it with a hypocritical eye yourself.
25 Broadway,
New York, NY
5PM Halloween Party
Boss: ...and I need a costume. I need to go dressed like a king and then I am going to a concert afterwards. I can go as any old king, Old King Cole, Nat King Cole...that would be great! I just have to have enough time to get the make-up on my face.
444 Park Ave South
New York, NY
12PM Ice Cream Eating Geeks Has Its Moments
Boss: You know, there is nothing funnier than geeks eating ice cream.
3175 NW Aloclek Drive
Hillsboro, Oregon
11AM Everybody Knows It's "I-N-N-E-R-N-E-T"
Employee #1, looking at intranet option of business transactions menu: Hey, look! Heh. These morons spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Employee #2: No, they didn't.
Employee #1: Yes, they did. See?
Employee #2: No, an intranet is different than the Internet. It's sort of like a private version of the Internet for corporations and organizations.
Employee #1: Oh, seriously? Damn, look at you, making me feel all stupid and shit. I've never heard of that before in my life. I bet you're the only one here who knows that. Look, I'll prove it to you. [Calls boss over.] Look, they spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Boss: Oh, I know! Isn't it funny? Yeah, those morons at corporate can't spell!
Hackensack, New Jersey
12PM They're Just Mad About the Whole 'Canadia' Thing
CEO: I read a study that said that 50% of Canadians disapprove of Americans.
Employee: Yeah, I guess they just don't agree with many of the US's recent actions.
CEO: No, it's because they're jealous of Americans.
Employee: Err, that's perhaps a somewhat US-centric view...
CEO: I've been to Canada. I've seen it firsthand. They are very jealous of us.
Employee: Actually, now that you mention it, I'm surprised it was only 50%.
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: poj
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Just tell him to call me on my mobile.
Employee: Okay.
Boss: Oh, wait, you've probably never heard of that since you're not from New York. It's the same thing as a cell phone.
2130 H Street NW
Washington, DC
3PM Smoke Break
Preacher: What's that beeping sound?
Secretary: It's the battery getting low on the smoke detector.
Preacher: Well you don't need that if you would quit smoking, do
you?
801 7th Street South
Clanton, Alabama
12PM Lunch
Boss: She's just too crazy for me. She's...what's the word? Phonetic!
Associate: She sounds things out?
480 San Antonio
Mountain View, California
9AM Back to Work
Worker: If you see [Jen] or [Jake], can you tell them I need to talk to them?
Boss: What for?
Worker: I just need to ask them about this thing for Thursday.
Boss: Oh, I don't know anything about that. You'll have to ask [Jen] or [Jen] about it.
120 West First Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
4PM Review Tentative New Hires
Boss: So with his experience, he will help us ferret those waters.
930 South Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana
1PM You Call Your Mom by Her First Name?
Voice mail, on speakerphone: Hi, you've reached the voice mail of Linda Stevens*. I am away from...
Manager: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...
Voice mail: [Beeps.]
Manager: Linda! Will you give me a call when you get a chance? Thanks!
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM And You're Positively Glowing with Health!
Employee: I really like the new floor tiles you picked for the office!
Boss: Good thing, too. These old tiles were put in in the 1950s, and I just found out they were made with cobalt.
Employee: Ah.
Boss: Yeah, they're actually radioactive.
Employee: Huh?
Boss: A Geiger counter would totally pick up on the radiation in here!
Employee: Ummm...
Boss: But it's not really a problem -- it would take decades of exposure to effect you, really.
Employee: I've been here 18 years.
Music agency
Vienna
Austria
3PM Ummm... It Shows Respect to the President
Manager: My new BM is awesome!
Subordinate: You mean BMW; the W is important.
Manager: Why?
Raynham, Massachusetts
11AM Have You Been Suffering from Delusions of Heterosexuality?
Semi-boss: No, I mean, I just misspelled every single word and, like, inverted letters and stuff.
Assistant: Maybe your hands were in the wrong place on the keyboard... Or maybe you have that thing that Tom Cruise has.
Semi-boss: Scientology?
Newark, Delaware
4PM (Whisper, Whisper) You Mean Those Yellow People Live Here Now?!
Peon, with Asian friend: Boss, I'd like to introduce you to my friend from Charlotte, Amy*. She's stayin' out here with me for a few days, then heading back home.
Boss: Nice to meet you! Where are you from?
Amy: Charlotte, North Carolina.
Boss: How long have you lived there?
Amy: I was born there -- 25 years now.
Boss: Wow! How do you like it?
Amy: Like what?
Boss: America!
Amy: I, uh... I like it?
Boss: Do you think you'll ever go back?
Amy: Yeah, I leave Sunday.
Boss: Wow! Well, I hope you enjoyed your American vacation!
Office party
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Jesse
12PM That's When You Call in the Accountants
COO: I don't want to lie to him, but I don't want to tell him the truth.
24 New England Executive Park
Burlington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: John Locke
2PM He's Married to This Woman
Boss: Natasha*, is there something wrong?
Natasha: My friend just texted me saying that she's sitting next to Orlando Bloom.
Boss: Tell him he's fired if he doesn't get here in five minutes.
Employee #2: Boss, he's an actor.
Boss: I don't give a rat's ass what he aspires to be. I emailed everyone yesterday saying that this meeting was very important.
Natasha: Mr. Jones*, he's a Hollywood actor. He doesn't work---
Boss, very angry: ---I see. That's what he says, huh? He's fired then!
Employee #2: Seriously, Boss, he doesn't work here. He is just an actor who happened to sit next to Natasha's friend.
Boss: So how the fuck do you dare to interrupt my meeting with some bullshit talk on a psycho employee who thinks he's in Hollywood?!
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: working for an oblivious boss
10AM Call HR
Secretary: I can't talk to her any longer. She's so disrespectful.
Boss: ...Really.
Secretary: Yes! Can you please talk to her 'cause I've had enough.
Boss: Well, since we've been acquired by the new company, they're really big on that.
Secretary: Huh?
Boss: You know. Respect. It used to be a lot easier around here.
1775 Broadway
New York, NY
10AM Company Reorientation
Vice Principal: Hey there, did you get my email?
Teacher: No, I didn't...
Vice Principal: Wow, and I sent it to both [Ed Hildick]s so you'd be sure to get it.
Teacher: Yeah...but my name is [Jeff].
901 Locust Street
Herndon, Virginia
2PM Those Candlemakers Are Really Out of Ideas
Boss: Whoever thought shit and cinnamon smelled good together?
634 126th Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
12AM Surely He Means The Da Vinci
Marketing exec: If we didn't have to spend so much time telling you our requirements, you could be done with the code already!
228 East 86th Street
New York, NY
9AM The Budget Code is Obviously DD
Director: We might have to pay for some T&A to get someone to go visit the client.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
9AM After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees
Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don't have those.
Customer: But it's right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that's what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it's exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I'll just have a salad.
Employee: I'll be right back. [Goes in back room.]
Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm... No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn't about you.
Customer: Ok...
Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
3PM You Dare Find My Motivational Slogans Laughable?
Boss: There's no 'I' in 'unity'! Wait... There's no 'me' in 'team'!
Employees: [Laughter.]
300 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Your Verbal Warning Will Be Confirmed in Pudding
Boss to tardy employee: I'm going to write you up with a verbal warning.
Employee: ... Wait. What?
Boss: Don't be smart.
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
4PM I'm Sorry, but Your Priorities Are Way Off
Boss: So, if there is a fire, you go after the hard drives first?
Fireman, dumbfounded: Uhhh... Well... We would go for life preservation first -- of whoever's in the building...
Boss: Oh, and then you go after the computers and stuff?
Fireman: ... After that we try to contain the fire...
Graphic design office
Huntington Beach, California
5PM Unless We Get Volunteers
Manager: We are not going to use anyone as an escaped goat.
Columbia Mall
Grand Forks, North Dakota
11AM Working in the Magic 8-Ball Factory
Executive: Is it okay if I take the intern with me to the meeting tomorrow?
Assistant: Sure.
Executive: Are you the person I ask about that?
Assistant: No.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Not the person either
11AM They're Still Working Out the Details at Homeland Security
Jeff*: Liz*, can you come here?
Liz: Are you going to fire me?
Jeff: I can't -- you're my supervisor.
Liz: What? No, I'm not. You're my supervisor.
Jeff: ...But if I'm your supervisor, and you're my supervisor, which one of us is really in charge?
Liz: That depends... If it's you, are you going to fire me?
Jeff: No.
Liz: Then it's you.
Jeff: Awesome.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
10AM Communications Workshop
Manager: ...because sometimes we get communications via electronic sending, sometimes through the telephone system.
650 South 6th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Jeff Anderson
1PM She's Going to Get Promoted...to Office Wetnurse
Manager: Did you have a good breastfeeding day?
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
9AM Mengele's Genetic Experiments Finally Bear Fruit
Engineer: Is your boss in? We have a problem -- we have a little Aryan friend up on the second floor.
QA tech: No, he's on vacation... Wait -- we have what?
Engineer: A little Aryan friend flying around on the second floor.
QA tech: ... Ohhh -- 'avian.'
Engineer: Yeah, what did I say?
Modesto, California
Overheard by: That's not my job.
10AM Coffee Break
Marketing manager: Maybe you should have one pink and one blue for your kids.
CSR: Oooh, yeah!
Manager: Well, wait, what do pink and blue make? Purple? No.
CSR: No?
Manager: No, black and blue make purple. Or was it black and red?
421 Northwest Riverside Drive
Evansville, Indiana
12PM Budget Meeting
Manager: We should do it. I'm just concerned that the cost will be too exuberant for us to overcome.
180 Varick Street
New York, NY
11AM Call Maintenance
Employee: Why is the bathroom locked and has a sign saying "Out of Order"? What happened?
Manager: I think something's wrong with it.
Employee: Is anyone in there, I thought I heard someone?
Manager: You never know--but bathrooms are private so you shouldn't knock.
623 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
11AM I Looked Forward to Coming to Work
Supervisor: It's too bad our schedules are getting so full. It used to be that whenever someone needed to get off, someone else could put out for them.
666 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: The happy new guy in the office
1PM They Should Have Known, Man!
Law student #1: I can't believe the parents in that case named their kid Adolph!
Law student #2: Uh... That case was from 1850...
Law student #1: So?
699 Exposition Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: TAJ
3PM Do You Think You'll Be Happy Working for a Non-Prophet Organization?
Boss: So you're Muslim, right?
New employee: Yup.
Boss: So you're from the country of Islam?
New employee: No. Not quite.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: feel sorry for her...
2PM The CIA Has Been Making That Mistake for Years
Boss: So just use a black highlighter to mark---
Assistant: Black highlighter?
Boss: I meant 'Sharpie.' Yes, don't ever get the two mixed up.
Herndon, Virginia
3PM First Break the Employee's Legs, Then Criticize the Way He Walks
GM: How were you days off?
Supervisor: Pretty good. Did some hiking.
GM: How was the conference?
Supervisor: What conference?
GM: I e-mailed you Wednesday about the loss prevention meeting on Thursday morning. I know it was short notice.
Supervisor: Thursday was my day off. Wednesday was my day off. I wasn't here to check my e-mails.
GM: So you didn't go to the mandatory meeting?
Supervisor: Um.
GM: You have to check your e-mail every day. No excuses.
Supervisor: I wasn't here to check my e-mail.
GM: No excuses.
687 12th Street
Gresham, Oregon
Overheard by: I love 50 e-mails a day
5PM Because God Know Mine Am Bad
Manager: We're hiring another producer in Quebec. And one thing that I think we all agree on is that his English has to be very, very well.
180 Varick Street
New York, New York
12PM Then Fill Out Two Copies of the Freudian Slip
Frustrated manager: So just take that and put it in the bitch! I mean, bin. Put it in the bin.
University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Overheard by: Hired to do Bitch-Work
4PM Full of Empty Pizza Boxes
Manager: Everybody who was smoking pot in here last night is fired! ... Okay, looks like I have a vacant building.
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: fired
9AM Just Another Typical Day Here at the Department of Redundancy Department
Manager: What was the soup de jour of the day today?
Sterling Forest Road
Sterling Forest, New York
Overheard by: Mark D.
3PM Remind Me Again Why You're in Charge?
Employee #1: Do we have any Band-Aids in the back?
Manager, after long pause: Uh...I don't think so.
Employee #2: Oh, Susan* said we did. I need one.
Manager: Um...I'm pretty sure we don't, but I'll look.
After disappearing in the back for 5 minutes, manager comes back out to the register.
Employee #1: So there were none back there?
Manager: Nope.
Employee #2: I'm sure there are some. Not even in the first aid kit?
Manager, after another long pause: Oooh! Band-Aids! I thought you said, "Mayonnaise"!
Victoria's Secret
New Mexico
12PM Work on Budgets
Project Manager: I can't get my numbers to balance with yours.
Budget Analyst: How much are you off by?
Project Manager: About a million.
5000 Ellin Road
Lanham, Maryland
Overheard by: Cantabile
11AM Staff Meeting (Con'td)
Boss: What you are talking about only adds up to 10% of snake shit
compared to the problems we have.
Meeting: ...
2000 West NASA Boulevard
Melbourne, Florida
10AM Department Meeting
Boss: This is not an interactive meeting, so no feedback of any kind. Every customer who gives a commitment today will get a $350 Home Depot giftcard. This is only until the end of business today.
Loan Officer: But I got a customer commitment yesterday. Can I tell her that we will send her one?
Boss: Didn't I just say that this meeting is not interactive? I won't answer your stupid questions.
Loan Office: ...So what's the answer?
The boss storms out.
Loan Officer: I'll just ask him later.
2700 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
11AM Check Email
Boss: He said he sent me an email via his BlackBerry. It must have ended up in some pigeon's stomach.
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
