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6AM Welcome to The Office
Boss: From now on, people, we're going to make Perfection our baseline.
The development team laughs.
Developer: Dude, whatever the fuck you've been reading, stop it.
1 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Mad William Flint
9AM Where Do You Think I'm Calling You From?
Boss on speaker phone: So I need you to give me those files, like, in five minutes.
Employee: Um.
Boss: I'm serious. I want them in my hand in five minutes.
Employee: You know that I work at home, right?
Boss: So?
Employee: So I live forty-five minutes away from your so-called "office"...Speaking of which, did you ever get that toilet out of the hallway?
3207 Hayloft Court
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
1PM Lunch
Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?...I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It's not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn't! I would know if it's in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I'm positive! I know it's not...Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it...?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass...go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don't I?
Secretary: Yep. And don't even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: mshorty
9AM Sure, Get Me a Crowbar
Graphics guy: What format are these files?
Boss: They're from the guy next door.
Graphics guy: Okay, but what kind of files are these supposed to be? There's no extensions so I can't open them in anything unless I rename them all and just guess the extension until I get it right.
Boss: Can you open them and check?
2245 Royal Windsor Drive
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Bob
12PM From the Runaway Best Seller 'Affirmations for Stupid People'
Manager, to himself: I am a ball of fire. I am a BALL OF FIRE.
Far reaches of Eugene, Oregon
11AM The Bridges of Heisenberg County
Boss: Well, we'll come to that bridge when we cross it.
Assistant: I would certainly hope so.
Boss: What?
Assistant: Nothing.
Kansas
1PM Lucky I Have You to Look after the Details
Boss: ... So I said, 'Two words: Go fuck yourself.'
Employee: Three words, boss.
Boss: Whatever.
Hadera
Israel
Overheard by: SmR
9AM Give Him the Cup When He Hands in His Copy
Department head to HR manager: I don't fucking care who caught Drew* doing who or what in the bathroom! You do not drug test editors two weeks before the deadline!
McKemey Road
Chandler, Arizona
9AM Hey, That Loaf of Rye Was Totally Coming on to Me!
Boss: That's what I hate about these people who take the Bible literally: it's so pick and choose! What about all the parts where you get stoned for looking at bread the wrong way?
Print shop
Sunset Park, Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: milu
1PM Compounded by My Lack of Clothes
Manager: It gets really cold in our office. I haven't figured out the reason yet, because I'm not a physicist. I think it has something to do with the air conditioning coming on.
California
12PM You Mean Its Public Face or Its Seamy Underbelly?
Coworker: There is a really neat installation art center in Omaha.
Boss: What city in Omaha?
Coworker: Uh... Omaha.
Boss: Right, but what city?
Coworker: [Long pause] Hard to say.
Woodhaven, New York
2PM You Need to Do Both Sessions. Twice.
Manager #1: So, what do we do if any of our employees don't show up for the mandatory Ethics Training?
VP: You direct them to the supplemental Ethics Training, online.
Manager #2: Couldn't we just write their names in on the sign-in sheet and say that they were at the ethics thing?
Melville, New York
4PM All Part of the Element of Surprise
Senior officer: They keep changing the uniforms! I can't tell who's in the Navy and who's parking cars!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
4PM Kill Andrew Ridgeley
HR Manager: Hey guys, I'm starting a new club in the office. Do you want to join?
Employee: Um sure, what kind of club is it?
HR Manager: It's a club for people with Wham!'s song "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" stuck in their heads. Congratulations, you are all now members!
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
9AM I'm Talking Quantum-Singularity Black
Manager: Could you make this a lighter red?
Designer: You mean pink?
Manager: No, not pink. A lighter red.
Designer: Uh...
Manager: And this part here -- do you have a darker black?
Designer: No, black is pretty much black.
Manager: Well, it needs to be darker than black.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: bobby
3PM After Delegating His Memory to Abby, Frank Experienced Difficulty With Remote Access
Boss, on phone: Abby*, it's Frank*. I'm at the British Library, and there's a man looking at me.
Abby, on other end of phone: ...Yes?
Boss: Who is it?
British Library, 96 Euston Road
London, England
Overheard by: hapless
12PM Stupid Cracker
Executive: Where's the resume I asked for? Where's Bashir's* resume? Goddammit, I can't find that idiot's resume. Stupid Indian.
Assistant: [Silent.]
Executive: So anyways, have you been following this Don Imus thing?
420 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Sometimes Only Interpretive Dance Will Do
Manager: How do you tell the client that they're an idiot? What's the wording I should use for that?
1 South Road
Harrison, Ohio
1PM No, Just for Endemic Racism
Interviewing manager looking at resume: This is what? Your middle name? What language is this?
Interviewee: It's Hawaiian. I'm part Hawaiian.
Interviewer: Oh... So, did you have to wait for the white man to get there before you had a language?
San Diego, California
9AM So We'll Know Who to Replace You With
Office manager: I mean, when we interview warehouse employees, why are we asking them if they have Excel experience?
Warehouse supervisor: What the hell is 'Excel'?
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Why Larry Got the Shaft
Branch manager looking for small, hand-held calculator: I need one of those hand jobs in the lobby.
808 South Main Street
Elkton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
9AM Back to Work
Teller: I haven't decided yet if I'm going to see The Da Vinci Code. I want to see it, but if I do I'll feel like I'm. . . supporting. You know?
Bank AVP: . . . Supporting?
Teller: The Devil!
Long pause
Bank AVP: Tom Hanks is the devil?
48 Clifty Kirkmansville Road
Clifty, Kentucky
12PM Why the Germans Were Lost When the Berlin Wall Came Down
Boss #1: Most of our people in philanthropy are on coke... They get the work done, but the meetings are like coke conventions.
Boss #2: I had an ex-girlfriend who was always on a lot of coke. I didn't know it, though. I thought she just had a lot of energy. Once, when she was really high, I had to throw her against a wall to snap her out of it.
Boss #1: Well, that's what you have to do sometimes.
Miami, Florida
12PM Trained Boll Weevils
Boss: How do I get a binder for this stuff?
Assistant: There's one in the cabinet.
Boss: Um, how do I get the holes?
Assistant: What?
Boss: How do the holes get in the paper?
3080 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM They Come in Handy in Many Other Situations, Though
Boss commencing presentation with safety information: In case of fire, there are two exits to my rear.
411 Keeler Avenue
Bartlesville, Oklahoma
10AM Oh! If I'd Known, I Would've Brought My Brain.
VP: Hi! Nice to see you. I hope we'll be meeting soon!
Ad agency rep: Yes, like right now? Since that's why we're here.
Central Park South
New York, New York
10AM An Hour Later You'll Want to Watch the News Again
Art director: Is it wrong that I saw something on the news about a triple homicide in Koreatown, now I'm craving Chinese food?
Los Angeles, California
9AM No, the French Are What's Wrong with France
Employee #1: It's them damn environmentalists that make the gas prices so high.
Employee #2: Yeah, those morons won't let us drill for oil anywhere. They're what's wrong with this country.
Employee #1: Yeah, them and the French.
North 6th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Environmentalist
12PM Order 10 More "Gigabytes" (?)
Boss: Do you know where the gigabytes are? I need some more for my computer.
Employee #1: What are you talking about?
Boss: Are they in the closet?
He goes looking in the closet for about five minutes.
Boss: Seriously, do you know where more gigabytes are?
Employee #2: Maybe they're in your pants.
N59W14909 Bobolink Avenue
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: LeeAnn Michaud
3PM You'd Pick It Then Turn It into Sauce?
Boss: I don't produce much chest hair, but if I did, I would tend to it like a gardener tends to a beautiful tomato.
Waltham, Massachusetts
9AM That's How We Write These Headlines
Boss: I wonder what I could accomplish if I had 10 more hours in a day and a bucket of speed.
East Street
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
4PM I Know It's True for Me, at Least
Head trainer: Let's face it, if you could be all that you could be, you wouldn't be working here...
Class: [Silence.]
Trainee #1: [Applause.]
Trainees #2 and #3: [Applause.]
Mutual of America, 320 Park Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Client Meeting
Boss talking to client and client's son in front office: So this is your youngest boy, isn't it? I've met him before.
Client: Uh... I don't think you have.
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure I have.... He's Down's Syndrome, isn't he?
Client: No
98 Fitzroy Street
Grafton, Australia
Overheard by: gus shanks
9AM All New Uses for Those Beams of Light from Their Chests
Boss to another: Do not look up Care Bear porn!
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
3PM Who Put This in My Mouth, Anyway?
Boss: What the hell is this in my mouth? It's not the butterscotch I expected, that's for sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
4PM Performance Reviews
Manager: She's actually very bright, she just doesn't speak or write.
200 West Oak
Fort Collins, Colorado
3PM They're Trading Asian Men
Asian coworker: What are you doing?
Caucasian coworker: Assembling the trade booth so we all know how to do it.
Asian coworker: Trade booth?
Caucasian coworker: For conventions, we set this up so people know who we are.
Asian coworker: What are you trading? Can I trade?
Caucasian coworker: Nevermind! Go back to your desk!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
12PM Stephen's Retroactive Skill With Metaphors Did Not Go Unnoticed in His Quarterly Review
VP: Yeah, and if we go over there, we could get all our stuff back. We have a whole bunch of equipment in China stuck in escargot.
Director: Um...You mean escrow?
VP: What did I say? Escargot? Well that works, too, since it's so slow in getting back to us.
Director: Sure it does.
45th Street and 9th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: melissa
2PM Have You Considered Giving Puberty a Try?
Boss to magazine editor on phone: Hello? Sorry, what's your name? Jeff? Jeff? Really? Sorry, it's just... you sound like a woman.
UK
9AM Guess We Could Tell Her Who's Dead, but What Fun Is That?
Female coworker #1, sobbing in bathroom: I can't believe he's dead!
Female coworker #2: Neither can I!
Female coworker #3: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Senior female partner, entering bathroom: Having a bad day? [Coworkers #2 and #3 nod.] You know what works for me?
Female coworker #3: Oh... Yes? What would that be?
Senior female partner: I put one hand over my heart, and the other hand over my stomach. I breathe in deeply. I then say to myself, 'I'm here. I'm right here, right now.' It works every time! I feel better straight away! [Long silence, then] Okay, well, [waves goodbye and leaves].
Female coworker #3: Wow. You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Collins Street
Melbourne
Australia
4PM How about I Shoot You in the Temple and We'll See Which Way You Recoil
Boss: I want to put new labels on these binders. The labels must be capitalized and all face the same way. [Tilts head to the left, and then to the right] I am just not sure which way I want them to face. I don't know if I prefer to tilt my head to the left, [tilts head again to the left], or if I prefer tilting to the right.
Santa Cruz, California
1PM Syntax Error
Boss: Your code no longer doesn't not fail.
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Eric
2PM I'll Be Happy If You Show Up on Monday
Boss: I was going to ask you to come in on Saturday, but then I realized what day it was and who you are, so never mind.
Mineola, New York
9AM The Game's Decided -- They're Just Running Out the Clock
Election board office manager: I don't know if you're aware, but every election you need to contact all the local funeral homes about absentee voting.
Worker: Ummm, funeral homes? Don't you mean nursing homes?
Election board office manager: Oh, yeah. Whatever.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Xanadu
3PM Eventually, Sure
Manager #1: So did you have a nice birthday party?
Manager #2: Not yet. My older brother's birthday is two weeks after mine, so we always just have one big party that weekend.
Manager #1: Oh, wait, wouldn't that make you the older brother?
Panera, 3043 Glendale Avenue
Toledo, Ohio
2PM You! Write This Down!
Boss in team meeting: I know these conversations are going nowhere, but we're on a deadline so we need to get nowhere faster!
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
10AM For Murphy, It's Skywriters or Nothing
Suit: It's been a big thing. I've sent a bunch of emails about it.
Boss: Yeah, I've ignored them. Sorry.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: It's not my project
1PM But He Is Dating Both Allen and Julia
Boss: I don't know why he's so moody.
Employee: I know! I think he's bipolar.
Boss: No, I don't think he even likes the cold.
Imperial, Pennsylvania
10AM What Can I say, it Gets his Wife hot
Coworker on phone: You'd be an amazing human being if you brought me some nibbles on your way here. If not, then you're clearly the mongoloid I always suspected you to be.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM See, I Kinda Want to Know What It Is Now...
Boss #1 to new lab worker: Okay, now we add the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What are you doing now?
Boss #1: Adding the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: Oh... What is that?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What is that?
Boss #1, irritated: Virus supernatant!
Boss #2: But what is it?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant!
Lab worker #1 to boss #2: Hey, Lou*, what is that? Is it virus supernatant?
Science research building