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12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands
Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!
Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan
9AM But not While Practicing; We've Had Very Mixed Results with That
Account manager on phone: How can she be a virgin? She's a doctor! Would you want your doctor to be a virgin? I think by law, you should have to have sex before you are able to practice medicine.
171 Nepean
Ottawa, Ontario
Overheard by: Smithout
5PM Out of Here
Suit: We don't need to do that right away, we can do it tomorrow.
Boss: We should do it today. Why put off until tomorrow what we can do today?
Suit: I was thinking about killing you yesterday.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
2PM Her Resume Comes with a Centerfold
Boss: Did you talk to that girl Rachel*?
Male employee on phone: Yes, I have her resume in front of me now.
Boss: She's very pretty... she has big boobs.
Male employee on phone: Really.
Boss: Something to think about.
6671 Eastland Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: melessa
3PM Dude, You Have Got to Go Bury That Somewhere Before the Cops Come By Again!
Supervisor #1: I smell mothballs.
Supervisor #2: Probably just my old body.
1143 West 116th Street
Carmel, Indiana
Overheard by: Samantha
11AM Strategy Meeting
Project Manager: He needs to step into my office. The office of my fist. If he messes with my developer one more time, I'm gonna drop him like a bad habit. And by "drop" I mean "drop kick". And by "bad habit" I mean "communist hobo".
1375 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM Asset Management
Boss: Chinese women have no asses. They dream of having a big round ass. Like a black ass. You see that? That is a big black ass.
9925 Jefferson Boulevard
Culver City, California
Overheard by: Roland Kellar
12AM Milk is Always Better From the Tap
General Manager: Let's not forget that this week is World Breastfeeding Week.
34705 W 12 Mile Road
Farmington Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Rebecca L Jones
2PM Sitdown with Legal
Co-worker: This report is bullshit.
Boss: Did you just say "bullshit"? I thought you folks weren't allowed to swear?
Co-worker: I didn't swear.
Boss: Yeah you did, no big deal. I don't want your turban to unfurl.
1 Technology Drive
Milpitas, California
2PM Actually She Details Cars, Professionally
Account manager: So I sent you that new job applicant. Have fun.
Recruiter: I just opened it up. Wow, she completely misspelled 'Delaware State.'
Account manager: Oh, it gets worse.
Recruiter: 'Seven years,' with an '-s!' And she spelled 'with' wrong!
Account manager: Yep, and she's a detail-oriented professional.
Trolley Square
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Rhymes with Banana
1PM Otherwise, We Can Only Give You This Hillary Mask and Wish You Godspeed
Employer walking into the office: President Clinton is downstairs on Wacker Drive, but I think you girls will be safe if you just stay inside.
150 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
5PM No, But I Can Claim Sexual Harassment For Your Use of the Phrase 'Rock-Hard Nipples'
Creative director: It's so cold in here, my rock-hard nipples are chafing on my shirt. Can I claim workman's comp for that?
Radio station
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: it really is cold in here
9AM My Soul Has Filed for Chapter 11
Manager #1: So how'd that meeting go? Are you still morally bankrupt?
Manager #2: Why, yes! Yes, I am!
750 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
5PM Well, Some of the Time, Anyway
Office manager: We kinda have a policy we sorta have to follow.
5757 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Meeting with Client
Senior Director: Well, I hate to tell you this, but we're going to be a week late with your report.
Client on speaker: You fuckin' serious? The fuck you doing over there? Writing this thing in pen? Sanskrit? The fuck, man?
Senior Director: Actually, I'm chipping it away in stone...hey, don't you worry about how I'm writing this fucking report! You'll get it in a week. Who the fuck are you to give me an attitude
Client: Fuck you! Hurry the fuck up! We're paying your ass, so you should be nice to me!
Senior Director: Kiss my ass!...cock eyed fuck! By the way, how is the wife doing?
51 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
4PM Staff Meeting
Manager: We need to be ducked-rowed here as there will be a lot of scrutiny given we've had the opportunity to reoutlook the schedule twice now and yet the schedule continues to slip.
229 8th Street SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
4PM "Restructuring" Meeting
Manager: The organization just gets bloated. There are all these Vice Presidents, and each of them has 10 or 12 locations reporting to him. And they all need resources, so he puts his team together. Sometimes you just need an enema.
901 East Whitmore Avenue
Modesto, California
3PM Smoke Break
Boss: When [Martin] first started working for the company he called me up to introduce himself and told me how great the owner thought we were and how they should order all their appraisals from us. Then he said that he was a little confused by one thing the owner had said about me personally. He said that I liked showtunes.
18 Sycamore Avenue
Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey
Overheard by: GrIzZlEbEe!!!
11AM Staff Meeting (Cont'd)
Associate: I have a idea that might be helpful.
Manager: You know what a suggestion is? It's an OFI: Opportunity For Improvement.
327 West 14th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Fidget
4PM They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up
Customer: You mean you don't have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma'am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn't have any legs!
Husband: It's true, I don't have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.
Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe
2PM Well, You and I Could Still Meet
Manager: So, the meeting is cancelled.
Office hoochie: And I put a clean thong on for this!
1950 Broadway
Oakland, California
Overheard by: mcbutters
3PM Don't Even Be Eatin' That Yogurt in Front of Me
Boss: There's pizza in the back room for everyone in appreciation of your hard work!
Employee #1: Hey, Jen*, can you save me a slice? I can't leave my desk right now.
Employee #2: Sure, I'll bring two back. There should be enough for two slices per person.
Employee #3: You know, I work harder than the rest of you all combined; therefore, I should get the most fuckin' pizza. Does anyone else here work as hard as me? I don't fuckin' think so. So that means that I get more pizza. I don't want to see anyone eating more fuckin' pizza than me.
Employee #2: So, Meredith*, what kind of pizza did you want?
Employee #1: Um, I think I'll just... stick with my yogurt... Thanks.
570 Worcester Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
12PM It's Good for Filling Wet Cracks, Am I Right?
Boss #1: We have a caulk issue.
Boss #2: Is it big?
Boss #3: Very.
Employee passerby: I know all about caulk -- it's very sticky.
548 Highway 155
St. Germain, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Tony
11AM Design Meeting
Project manager: Thanks, [Craig].
Art director: You mean [Jose]? He's [Craig].
Project manager: I mean [Jose]. Sorry, I got you mixed up since you're both wearing yellow shirts.
Art director: My shirt isn't yellow. Neither is [Craig's].
6501 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
7PM That Long Weekend is Finally Here!
Lawyer #1: I now ask that this binder be admitted into evidence.
Lawyer #2: We would object to that, Your Honor.
Judge: What is your basis for introducing this into evidence?
Lawyer #1: The "moving things along faster" basis.
Judge: Denied.
500 Pearl Street
New York, NY
6AM He Learned This the Hard Way
Tenant: You know, it has been so nice outside, I wish we had windows that would open.
Building manager: Yeah, me too, but if we did, everyone would be jumping out of them to kill themselves.
270 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: JB
1PM He Does Love His Wife's Butt
Branch manager on phone: Hello? Ok, put him through. Hey, Matt*! Hold on, let me shut my office door... Yeah... Yeah... I do love my wife...
Cubicle chick: Did he just say what I think he said? 'I do love my wife'?
Sales guy: Yes, but I think you missed a part. He said 'I do love my wife, but...'
Cubicle chick: It's gonna be a goood day!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM ...But I've Got to Pay the Coke Bill, So Gimme $50, and We'll Snuggle
Supervisor: So I said to my son, "You want me to cuddle with you?" And he said, "No, Daddy, I've already slept with enough people today."
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM "Oh, so she is that qualified!"
Office Manager: You hired her, but you haven't interviewed anyone else. Is she that qualified?
Suit: Actually no, she doesn't have any experience working as an engineer.
Office Manager: Then why not interview some other people and see if you find someone better?
Suit: Because I don't feel like interviewing. Besides, she has a really nice rack so I will at least have something good to look at.
1042 Hamilton Ct.
Menlo Park, California
3PM Well, You Guys Are the Engineers, So If You Say It Needs to Be Made out of Platinum...
Tech: So do you think that we should go for this project?
Boss: Absolutely. The client is ridiculously stupid, but they are open-minded.
Bishopsgate, London
Overheard by: whyamIhere?
4PM Now You've Gone and Spoiled the Ending
Scientist: What are the goals of this management plan?
Project manager: The goal is to come up with a plan to manage the system, but we are not authorized to actually manage anything.
Scientist: So the goal of this meeting is really an excuse for you to draw on the white board and act important?
3301 Gun Club Road
West Palm Beach, Florida
2PM But He Is My Son
Office manager: He kinda looks like a Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: What?
Office manager: A Ninja Turtle. Don't you see it?
Receptionist: Ummm...
Office manager: You know, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: Oh, that kind of Ninja Turtle... I don't see it.
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
4PM What Would Jesus Eat?
Manager: You know, people a long time ago, people like Jesus, they weren't fat.
2904 Rodeo Park Drive East
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: in the office next door
11AM But One You Must Learn to Relish Here at Festering Fruit International
Supervisor: A warm banana is an acquired taste.
Park Ave
New York City
10AM Under Sales Goal
Salesman: Yeah, I'm fucking fed up with that guy. He hasn't sent in his reports for weeks. Just keeps flying out to Texas. What the fuck are we paying him for, anyway?
Manager: Texas? What's he doing in Texas?
Salesman: Oh, apparently his dad died or something.
3000 Birch
Brea, California
12AM The Definition of Unionism
Teacher: Am I going to have a job here next school year?
Principal: Only if you want to work at a school where you're not welcome.
419 East 66th Street
New York, NY
2PM What Really Happened to IBM
Project manager: Because of their dependencies, these two projects should be run in parallel.
CEO: Yeah, we need to paralyze them. Good idea, Ted*!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lila
5PM What He Learned at Harvard Business School
Branch manager: Wiggy wiggy wiggy wuzza wuzza wiggy. Wiggy!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Ordering Supplies
Secretary: My pencil drawer is broken. It needs a new twisty nail.
Boss: Twisty nail?
Secretary: Yeah, you know, with the X-groove on top.
Boss: You mean a Phillips-head screw?
Secretary: Whatever.
118 East Whittier
St. Francis, Kansas
9AM Exactly What We Need to Jump Start Our Marketing Campaign
Marketing Director: There's one student there I'd love to get a photo of. She's drop dead gorgeous and hardly ever wears clothes.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, AZ
4PM Budgets Due
Boss: Do you hear that? That's the sound of me getting screwed.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
2PM Why Don't You Give It a Try and We'll See?
Manager, to underling: Haven't apes evolved to the point where they could do your job?
3888 Stewart Road
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Mike
5PM That's a Wrap
Account Manager: Hey, do you feel like a monkey in the middle of an idiot sandwich?
Process Analyst: That would make you one of the idiots. Are you calling yourself an idiot?
Account Manager: Oh...huh?
5 minutes later.
Process Analyst: Hey, do you feel like an idiot in a monkey sandwich?
Account Manager: Ha! Now you are the idiot!
Process Analyst: No...that still makes you the idiot.
520 Guthridge Court
Norcross, Georgia
6PM Looks Like Those Undies Were Already Stamped
Co-worker: Can you notarize something for me?
Accounting supervisor: Got any money?
Co-worker: Nope.
Accounting worker-bee: Then you must take off your pants, get on the empty chair and dance for us.
Co-worker: Really?
Entire accounting department: Really.
Co-worker: Are tightie whities okay?
2200 Broening Highway
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM I'm Partial to the Hysterical Praying
In a crowded elevator, everyone is quiet except for the clunking of the elevator.
Employee: That was a new sound.
Manager: My favorite is the screaming.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
11AM How to Murder Your Step-Father, Cross Dress, or Outsmart Woodland Nymphs -- That We Can Do.
Box office manager: Sir, this is the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. I can't tell you how to fix your microwave.
800 East Grand Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
2PM When Bush Is Left Alone in the Oval Office
Manager #1, to temp: So, listen -- you'll be in charge of the department today while we're at an all-staff meeting. But ain't no cameras here, so you can use this space to roller skate while we're gone.
Manager #2: Yeah, or stand on the desk.
Manager #3: Or take a doody.
15th Street
Washington, DC
3PM I Thought That Was Supposed to be Happening in Your Office?
Boss: Jeez Louise, we're just nailing each other over here!
Kansas City, Missouri
10AM Picking Up Printouts
Office manager: I finally got pants on my monkey. But his tail won't go through the hole.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Which Also Leaves Out Spanking and Flogging
Boss to assistant: Well, we're not going to fire you, because you'd like that too much.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Sir Rugo
11AM Running Diagnostics
Two co-workers watch a woman showering in a window across the street.
Female co-worker: Is she dry showering?
Guy: No, there's soap on her legs. Wow, those are America's cleanest boobs.
Female co-worker: You can't see soap from here.
Male co-worker: You can with the binoculars in my office.
Male co-worker runs to get the binoculars.
Female co-worker: Uh oh. She just cleaned somewhere funny.
Boss: What's going on?... Ahh, a nudie with fake boobies! I love a good set of fake knockers!
Male co-worker: She has a scar on her butt.
Boss: I think that's a tattoo.
Female co-worker: She should get that checked out.
225 North Michigan
Chicago, Illinois
2PM First the Briefing, Then the Stabbing
Supervisor: So Tina* and I are actually getting along really well! We discovered that we both have the same work style, which is Crazy Psycho Bitch.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
7PM Somehow Stupidity is Never an "Emergency"
Intercom: This is an announcement from the building fire safety department; it is just a test. If you could not hear this message, please contact the fire warden. Thanks for your attention.
1221 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Office manager: Yeah, technically I'm supposed to be the one in charge of organizing everyone to evacuate if there is a fire. But...if this were the real thing, it's every man for himself.
Co-worker: That's horrible.
Office manager: The people I feel worst for are the handicapped. They have to find someone to help them out of the building...and I just don't know who would do that.
3535 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM That Thick Wooden Skull Would Sure Burn Up Nice
Office manager: In the event of fire, please use the emergency stair cases. If anyone has any problems with physical exercise--for example, if you're pregnant--please let me know so I can help you out of the building.
The room full of men burst out laughing. The Office manager simply looked around, confused.
115 Perimeter Center Place, NE
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM That's a Wrap
Funeral director: So, you know all the procedures now, right?
Secretary: Yes, I believe so, I just never had to go get the organ out for a service.
Funeral director: Well, you know where it's at, right?
Secretary: Yeah, so you just go in the back and pull it out and stick it in there, right?
2157 Oak Street
Wyandotte, Michigan
4PM Finalize Contracts with New Account
Vendor: Hey, can you do me a huge favor?
Boss: Sure, what do you need?
Vendor: I am trying to land this account, and the guy won't sign with me unless you sleep with him.
Boss: I am not going to sleep with him! Wait a second, is he cute? Does he have lots of money?
Vendor: No.
Boss: Well, okay but just this once.
3663 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Rick
9AM Back to Work
Worker: Can you please help with the thingy, you know, um, over there?
Manager: Well done, very descriptive.
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
4PM Lifting, Puking, and Shooting: The Lloyd Roid Story
Designer: I can't find a photo to represent personal trainers. The only stock images we have are too creepy. Look kind of like an after-school special.
Writer: Like a molesting-kids after-school special? Or the kind about bulimia?
Designer: A cross between those and the ones about steroids.
Creative director: Oh. That sounds OK. Use whatever you guys have.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM You Have to Go to Metaphor School before You Can Be a Manager
Manager #1: My roommate is acting a little off.
Manager #2: What do you mean?
Manager #1: It's like her elevator doesn't go to the top anymore.
Staff: You have an elevator in your house?
Sonoma, California
11AM On His Unbirthday, the Mad Hatter's Staff Tried Hard to Please him
Warehouse manager: Anyone seen Joe*?
Office manager: I don't know where he is. He sent me an email at 2:03, so he's at a computer somewhere.
Sales guy: I haven't seen him in a while.
Office manager: I bet he went home and he's sending these emails from the web-mail!
Assistant: No, I went out to the warehouse not long ago and passed him on my way out there. He didn't look very happy though.
Sales guy: Why don't you bake him a birthday cake?
Assistant: But it's not his birthday!
Sales guy: It doesn't matter. Birthday cakes make everyone feel better.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Personally, I Prefer To Languish in the Hedge of Suspicion
Supervisor: You just blew a perfect opportunity to lie and get back into the trust tree.
500 North Gulph Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dave
4PM Work on Spreadsheets
CCA: My Excel's not working.
Manager: I don't care.
CCA: What should I do if my Excel's not working and you don't care?
Manager: Call the Ghostbusters.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
5PM That's a Wrap
Male developer: I want to make sure the data loaded correctly, pardon me if I'm a bit anal
Female project manager: I enjoy anal.
2025 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM Different Day, Same Shit
Building manager: Did you get that poop under control?
Maintenance guy: I'll deal with it on Monday.
7025 Kit Creek Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: mac774
2PM Mail Packages
UPS: I've got a big one for you today!
Office Manager: Ooh! I'll take it!
10801 Main Street
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Jeni Gonzales
12PM It's Snobby in California
Product Manager #1: It's Spring Break.
Product Manager #2: How come we don't get Spring Break?
Intern #1: Because you're no longer young.
Intern #2: Or pretty.
777 4th Street
Los Angeles, California
1PM Why Not Everyone Should Reproduce
Waiter, at new copy machine: Which way does this go in: face down or up, sideways or lengthways?...You're not going to tell me, are you?
Manager: We've got plenty of paper over there; keep trying until you get it right.
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM No Thanks, I'm Driving
Specialist: Did you know that one of the most recognizable smells is the smell of crayons?
Manager: What about glue?
2700 W Plano Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
11AM Ergonomics Seminar
HR clerk: Maureen* broke another chair. Should I order her another chair designed for a person over three hundred pounds, or should I order an even stronger chair?
Manager: No! I am going to tell the maintenance guys to put her desk up on blocks! Then, I am going to tell Maureen that her job description has changed! She is now required to stand up to do her job!
[manager leaves]
HR clerk: Well, it is not going to be me that tells him that one of the toilets in the women's restroom is broken.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12AM You Can Still Have Sex on the Desks
Employee: How does my butt look in these pants?
Boss: What? You can't ask me that.
Employee: Oh...Can I ask you if someone else is my boss?
Boss: No, Brian.
Employee: How about if I'm not working here any more?
Boss: Still no.
Employee: Wow, having a job sure is different from college.
2445 M St NW
Washington, DC
8AM Lycanths Like the Marshmallow Ones
Purchasing manager: We're renegades. We're running with the wolves. We ordered hot chocolate.
1 Railroad Ave
Cooperstown, New York
4PM Well, Pardon Me While I Prestidigitate Your Complementary Anaphylaxis
Account manager: You did a fantastic job on these business cards!
Art director: Shut up! Don't condense me.
Account manager: I'm serious! You're a curiative genius!
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Trey Givens
10AM Take Care of Jury Duty
Judge: So what does your wife do for a living?
Potential juror: Nothing.
Judge: She does nothing?
Potential juror: Nope.
Judge: Do you have kids?
Potential juror: Yes.
Judge: Yeah, she does "nothing".
265 East 161st Street
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: John
12AM That's Depends on Where in Europe She's From
Visiting European account manager: Oh, you have a new cell! I guess it was time to get a new one?
Chinese Project Manager: Yes, this morning I come to work and I am robbed by bandits. So, I have to get a new cell phone.
Visiting European account manager: Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha...ha...Heh. Oh. Oh dear. Are you ok?
Chinese Project Manager (in Chinese): Is she drunk?
188 Dong Cheng Da Dao
Dong Guan, China
Overheard by: Adam White
3PM Don't Let That Cut into Your 20% Napping Time
Marketing director: Eighty percent of what we do is called 'wasting time.'
Massachusetts Avenue NE
Washington, DC
5PM The 'Advanced' Section of the Kama Sutra Is Not for Everyone
Manager: Yeah, in order for me to work it out, I had to bend over backwards and slap some K-Y jelly on it.
Radio Shack
California
Overheard by: Stephen
5PM I Love Dating the Employees
Boss: I went on a date with this guy, and he showed up with the most hideous, tacky tie on. So I just said, 'That tie is so tacky' and made him take it off and threw it into the nearest trash can. He thinks I'm so mean, but I'm telling you, he loves it.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace Aldridge
10AM Well, an IV, Some Sort of Modified Reciprocal Saw, a Rubber Hand, and a Lot of Lotion Ought to Do the Trick
General manager: Listen, if you guys can find a way for me to whack off another six months, that would be great.
12112 115th Avenue NE
Kirkland, Washington
4PM Under "Education"
General manager: He had 'Shaving Ryan's Privates' on his résumé.
242 West 36th Street
New York, New York
12PM Pass the Buck
VP Research: The client would like us to find a creative way to solve the problem.
Field Manager: I am tired of looking for the solution to this problem; let's start looking for someone to blame instead...
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
2PM Database Testing
Worker #1: So how is the database server test going?
Junior Manager: Great! That new machine is going like gang bangers!
Worker #2: He, he..."gang bangers".
Junior Manager: Damn! You know what I meant.
Worker #1: Well...I guess they do work pretty hard.
13571 Commerce Parkway
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Richard Shoehorn
11AM Sign Contracts
Boss: But it shouldn't be done this way!
Boss's boss: I know. We're getting fucked. But let's just enjoy it.
420 5th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Better Wrap This up, Boys -- Mrs. Agnew's Coming into Heat
Supervisor #1: I mean, humans are the only ones that are supposed to be having interspecies sex, and even then, I don't think that we should be.
Supervisor #2: Ew.
Supervisor #3: But that'd probably get you promoted here.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
1PM ...And You Can See In This Graph Here That Worker Output Is Strongly Correlated to Stern (But Loving) Whippings
Boss cleaning office: Oh, look. I found my whip.
83 East 4th Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: We have so much more room in the office now, [Erin] and I can dance.
Boss: Let's see you dance
Co-worker #2: Naw, she can't do it without a pole.
50 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM Review Candidates
Boss #1: We can use [Derek] as our field supervisor; he knows how to do the work.
Boss #2: Is he still a drunk?
Boss #1: Yeah. His wife left him.
Boss #2: He has always been a drinker.
Boss #1: So we'll put him in charge of everything and he can run the crews. We'll pay his expenses and give him the company truck.
Boss #2: Okay. Sounds good to me. Maybe stuff will start getting done now.
8221 NW Expressway Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
1PM He's #1, Obviously
Supervisor #1: I am here to give you a hard time.
Supervisor #2: Take a number.
2 Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
12AM "I've got a bat here too, let me clean it."
General manager: Mr. Food & Beverage Manager, would you like to add anything?
Food & Beverage manager: Yes, I'd like to mention that the volleyballs haven't yet arrived for the animation team. Mr. Purchasing Manager hasn't bought them yet.
Purchasing manager: Let me get the balls for you now, they're right under the table.
Translated from the Arabic.
Le Meridien Makadi Bay Hotel
South Hurghada, Egypt
11AM Team Meeting (Cont'd)
Superintendent: We all know it is wrong, but this should make it not as wrong as it is now.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: Do you want to tell them the truth?
Boss: What's the truth?
Co-worker: The truth is that you can't go and I don't feel like it.
Boss: So you want to tell them that?
Co-worker: Yeah.
Boss: Do you want to tell them the truth or the enchanced version of the truth?
100 Chesley Drive
Media, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Back Office Peon
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: I told you not to shit in the bathroom.
1123 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Finalize Contracts
Boss: This subcontractor really chaps my butt.
Senior VP: Is it a good butt chapping or a bad chapping?
Boss: Bad.
Senior VP: Glad to know there's a differnce.
812 Moorefield Park
Richmond, Virginia
5PM Finally, the Weekend
Office Manager: It's like apples and oranges: they are all the same.
15530 Herriman Boulevard
Noblesville, Indiana
1AM That's Not What Chainsaw Al Says
Consultant: So what is this meeting about, anyway?
Boss: Why is everyone so concerned about this meeting?
Consultant: Well, for starters it's 3 hours long--
Boss: Don't worry, we can't fire all of you...
595 Madison Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Trouble
9AM But You and Grandpa Have Fun, Okay?
Boss: Look, I don't care if you use the loft, but if you get butt-ass freaky, just change the sheets.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
12PM What the Hell Am I Doing Up in This Helicopter?
Boss: ... And the first thing I thought was, 'I can't read this without liquor!'
6900 Main Street
Stratford, Connecticut
10AM Copyright Infringement
Lawyer: So you actually filed a copyright application?
Creative director: Oh, no, we just slapped a circle "c" after everything.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM Meet the New Girl
Office Manager: ...who knows, maybe Crystal is a very nice person.
Design Assistant: But I hate people named after rocks.
228 Gerrard Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: J.B.
10AM I Still Say Mother Teresa Was a Rock Star
Manager on phone: She was a nun. No, she was a nun! She was a nun! She was! She was a nun! A nun!!
330 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM In Fact He's a Boatman on the Alimentary Canal
Account manager: He's anal, all right. The wrong end of anal.
Powers Ferry
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM Distribute Manuals
Boss: Did you leave this in the copier? It got jammed.
Employee: Yeah, I guess I did. Sorry.
Boss: If you and [Janet] ever got married, you'd have really stupid kids. I'm just saying.
777 Main Street
Fort Worth, Texas
4PM Update Database
Data entry clerk: I can't find this person's name in our records?
Manager: What's the name?
Data entry clerk: Denver Colorado?
115 South 15th Street
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Derek Polynesia
2PM You Can Feel the Silent Pressure of Her Presence on the Line, Though
Supervisor: She always answers the phone. It's just she forgets to talk.
200 West Oak
Fort Collins, Colorado
10AM Client Meeting
Boss: You know that project we just finished?
Lackey: Yes.
Boss: We need a project plan that details what we did, how we did it, and how long it took.
Lackey: Um, I don't know that.
Boss: Me neither, but the client will be here in an hour and they want to see a plan.
10000 Linn Station Road
Louisville, Kentucky
12AM Overheard HR Violations
Program Manager: Dude! You know that one tech writer, that one chick?
Engineer: Yeah, the older one? She's a nice person.
Program Manager: Yeah, I know. Man, sometimes she gets like this massive camel-toe.
Engineer: Dude, you need whisper those kinds of things.
Program Manager: But man, you could measure it in inches! Oh shit, here she comes.
She walks by. The Program Manager follows her, turns around seconds later and gives the split finger sign.
41311 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
3PM And, If Not, Practicing Is More Fun Than Anything!
Division manager: I've played with it enough, it outta work by now.
Mechanicsville, Virginia
Overheard by: Alan
4PM Brainstorming Session
New training manager: Back in the day, I had a great idea. I know we're into this touchy-feely self-esteem human resource stuff, but I said: "Take the supervisor who has the highest rate of unqualified, untrained direct reports, walk him to the end of the pier, and shoot him!" They told me I couldn't do that. But it would have been effective!
75 Eastern Point Road
Groton, Connecticut
5PM That's a WWWrap
Sales: What was the the address again? WW..?
Manager: ...W?
Sales: Yeah that's it, that sounds right. WWW.
160 McClaren Road
Coraopolis, Pennsylvania
11AM Beta Testing
Director: We simply can't idiot-proof everything. Sometimes the idiots just have to suffer and die.
Co-worker: I think that's called "evolution".
2100 I-70 Drive SW
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Amy Zing
11AM Handle Employee Complaints
Boss: Why hasn't the mail come in yet?
HR: We have a new postal carrier and she hasn't come in yet.
Boss: Is she nice looking?
HR: Well, she's inconsistent. Sometimes she delivers at 2:30, sometimes it's 1:00.
Boss: What has that got to do with how she looks?
HR: It doesn't. Welcome to HR.
81 Apsley Street
Hudson, Massachusetts
10AM Coffee Break
The day after the company picnic. . .
Female clerk #1: Was that the new guy playing volleyball? You know the one that keeps trying to adjust his hours.
Manager: Maybe he just needs to wear a jock strap all the time.
Female clerk #2: Adjust his hours! His schedule! Everything is code for crotch to you!
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
11AM Work on Template
Temp: I have a few questions about the PowerPoint project that I'm trying to get my head around.
Manager: Okay.
Temp: So what do you want again?
Manager: I just want a template...Something visual that we can use over and over.
Temp: What do you want in it?
Manager: I don't know. That's why I want a template. So I need you to create something that looks like the department standard, with our logo and so on, the right corporate background color, with dummy copy as placeholders.
Temp: So where do I find the words you want in it?
Manager: They don't exist yet. We're working on that. That's why it's a template and not a final project.
Temp: So what do you want in all the boxes?
Manager: Nothing. Just a place so I can go in and write it. I just want a formatted background and text boxes in place.
Temp: Right, but what should I put in the text boxes?
Manager: Whatever you want.
Temp: So let me get this right: You want me to create a PowerPoint with place for different words.
Manager: Yes.
Temp: But you don't know what the words are?
Manager: That's why it's a template.
Temp: I see. So I will just use one of the PowerPoint templates.
Manager: No. It needs to be in the style of the company. Those are too generic.
Temp: I'm confused.
Manager: It seems so.
Temp: Can I just do it in Word?
111 East 59th Street
New York, NY
10AM Staff Meeting
Manager: Literally, I am the entire choir, and you are preaching to me.
530 Means Street
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM As a Co-Utterer or a Target?
Boss: From now on, every time I call someone a 'twat,' just presume you're Cc:ed in on it.
Power station
Wales
5PM It's So Hard Being an Orthodox Mormon
Female employee: What the hell is she fussing at? He's only two years older than her. If he's old, she's old!
Office manager: She's just trying to ruffle your feathers.
Sales guy: You should tell her your husband can beat up her husband.
Assistant: Which one? She's got a couple.
Female employee: Hey!
Sales guy: Haha, I forgot she's got like three husbands now.
Female employee: I hate you guys.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9PM "Listening to you?"
Floor supervisor: To begin, I understand some of you have complaints. First, can anyone tell me exactly what it is we are asking you to do that we are not paying you to do?
20 Alexander Drive
Wallingford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Jody Ruskouski
10AM Dear World, I'm Killing Myself at This Time to Inconvenience Cousin Bob
Co-Worker: My cousin died in a car accident yesterday.
Boss: Oh, I'm sorry.
Co-Worker: Yeah. The funeral is Saturday in St. Louis.
Boss: Will you be going?
Co-Worker: Oh no! That's not enough time for me to get everything around and make it down there! I mean, maybe if they had given me a week's notice...
Olentangy River Road
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Rule of Thumb: Don't Hire Anyone Who Has Ever Performed a Mortal Kombat Move in Real Life
Applicant, explaining multi-year gap in employment history: I got sent to jail for stabbing a guy twelve times, but it was bullshit.
Manager: Oh yeah?
Applicant: Yeah. I only stabbed him six times; I just had two knives in my hand. It was bullshit.
Manager: Hmm. I see.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Much Better Than a Cracker Jack Prize
Video store manager: ... And the porn was in the candy.
Movie store
Williamstown, Massachusetts
1PM I Sentence You to Death... By Bubinga!
Office manager: ...and his mantle, it's made out of Bubinga!
Designer: What the hell is Bubinga?
Writer: It's Ubuntu's neighbor?
Designer: Do they have a Wiki?
Writer: Yeah, I think they do!
100 West Broad Street
Hazleton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Slave to technology
10AM Go Over Resumes
Recruiter: So, what do you think of her qualifications?
Manager: Well, her experience looks great. I'm just not sure what a degree in English has to do with writing?
Naval Air Station North Island
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Teresa Minnich
2PM Talk with HR
Boss over intercom: [Laurel] please come to my office for a personal favor.
1710 Roy Acuff Place
Nashville, Tennessee
9AM Hadn't Even Taken Off My Jacket
Boss: I was asked to suggest some strong people for this open
position in another department, and I think you'd be great for the job, but if you leave me, I'll kill you.
8200 Interstate Highway 10 W
San Antonio, Texas
6AM You Just Know She's Hot as Hell
Eastern European cocktail waitress: So what is this "stepping up to the plate" you spoke of in our meeting?
Bar manager: It's an analogy...OK, it's like this: in baseball, you step into the batter's box. You step up to the plate to try and hit a home run. That's what we need, is home runs here.
Eastern European cocktail waitress: I don't understand your speech at all.
Bar manager: Great! Now I'm going to have to explain what an analogy is.
Bourbon Street Casino
120 E. Flamingo Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: KellyMarie
4PM FYI: Homer Simpson is a Safety Manager
Safety Manager: Uncooked chicken is just...foul!
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Julia
5PM I Swear, This Has Never Happened to Me Before
Male boss to female receptionist: Don't worry about it. Your finger just got excited, is all.
1120 G Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM Another Sucky Year
Manager: Look at you! You look so nice today!
Broker: Shut up. I always look nice.
Manager: No...sometimes you look like you got hit by a truck.
1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
2PM New Intern Orientation
Supervisor: Isn't it just great how college kids today have such a mastery over electronics but not even the remotest grasp on the English language?
19555 West Bluemound Road
Waukesha, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Mike
12PM We Love Overheard Office Gossip
Head of HR: I bet you he's [the COO] a total virgin. Probably even a hand virgin.
402 Pacific Avenue
San Francisco, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Don't do as I do. In fact, don't even do as I say.
2807 Gulf Freeway
Houston, Texas
10AM Work on Prints
Engineer: How much longer will you be using those prints?
Safety Manager: Five minutes.
Engineer: What if I borrow them for three minutes and then give them back to you?
Safety Manager: I'd say yes, but you won't give them back in three minutes. So, no, you can't borrow them.
Engineer: You're so much like your dad, it's not even funny.
186 Gilman Avenue
Campbell, California
Overheard by: Shannon
12PM Whipping Political Slaves Keeps the Weight in Check
Visiting European account manager: Hello [Katie], how nice to see you again. I am back for factory visit!
Chinese Sales Rep: Hi, welcome you to office again! You are look much fatter than last time! Every time, fatter and fatter!
Visiting European account manager: ...yes...well...really...
188 Dong Cheng Da Dao
Dong Guan, China
5PM Out of Here
Manager: You hear her? Usually, she says, "I'm coming", and I say "So is Christmas." But now I guess I could say, "So is", uh, "the Fourth of July."
11400 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: lonecomic
4PM Sounds Peachy, Ed.
Office manager: I wonder if I should bleach my snatch.
3301 Mulford Road
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: broodingsoul
4PM Marketing Meeting
Marketing Director: So as we can see, it's going to be effective with a capital A!
2815 NW 13th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: The Evil Overlord
3PM Coffee Break
Maintenance guy: How many nervous breakdowns are we allowed to have in a year?
Office Manager: Excuse me?
Maintenance guy: I don't know if we are supposed to stay within a goal.
5825 Chimney Rock Road
Houston, Texas
12PM The Open Door Policy: Solutions at our Discretion
Project Manager: Hey, can I ask you a quick question?
Chief of office: Well I hope you don't want an answer!
Project Manager: Do you mean now or, um, ever?
Chief of office: Ever!
830 5th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM ... Into Your Socks
Boss #1: Did you have enough to eat today?
Boss #2: No.
Boss #1: I can tell -- you tucked in your shirt.
Kapiolani Boulevard
Honolulu, Hawaii
12PM Performance Review Time at the CIA
General manager: I told you to respect your boss. I didn't tell you to obey her orders.
230 North College Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM But She's All, "I'm Three Years Old, Daddy!"
Boss: I need her strapped to her desk with a phone in her ear at all times... I need her making money.
41 East 11th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
11AM Go Over Resumes
Manager: "...I was forced to take a year off work to look after my sick mother. She's dead now so problem over."
33 Paradise Road
Richmond, Surrey
UK
9AM Came In Early But I'm Staying Late
Manager: ...can you work a couple extra hours? [Nick]'s not coming in again.
Cook #1: Sure. Why ain't he coming in this time?
Manager: He's in the hospital.
Cook #2: Hospital? You can't get crack at a hospital.
Manager: Why does he keep going there, then?
33703 Woodward Avenue
Birmingham, Michigan
12PM Ah Yes, "The Eddie Murphy Principle"
Office Manager: How do you go out to lunch and come back with a huge cucumber?
Employee: How do men go out at night and come back with hookers?
Office Manager: Huh?
Employee: It's the same basic principle.
110 N. Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Joan
11AM Star Jones Isn't Pulling Her Weight (No Pun)
Queen: I tell you what you do. You put her computer inside a Krispy Kreme box, maybe then she'll get some work done.
142 Greene Street
New York, NY
3PM It Depends on the Location of His Mouth
IT guy: Here, can you hold the microphone while he talks?
Account Manager: Sure. But can you tell me, what's the sensitive part here? Is it just the tip? Or the whole head?
155 N. Pfingsten Road
Deerfield, Illinois
8AM The Email Never Came
Girl tech: We are blocking emails to our customers with the word disbursement in it because of "semen".
Head tech dude: Semen?
Guy tech #1: Are you sure semen isn't somewhere else?
Guy tech #2: Semen? Like the nasty stuff?
Head tech dude: We'll have to adjust the filter, we are blocking reimbursement too.
Girl tech: Jeez, this blocking could cause all sorts of problems.
9001 Shelbyville Road
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Andy Goss
3PM ... Is What I Say to My Wife in Bed
Manager: If you want to get in on the Vulcan mind meld, you gotta come over here and chug some of this maple syrup.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
3PM And It's Great for Cracking Open Shellfish
Manager to another: Why don't you take a seat on my commode? It's fur-lined... It's a special otter fur. The poop washes right off.
101 North 2nd Street
Harrisonburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Andréa Cecil
9AM Though Not Quite Up to Golden Girl Standards
Boss: Man, there were some fine cougars in there! I mean, this one woman -- she had gray hair, but she was, like, hot! I mean, like Falcon Crest-hot!
Bonner Springs, Kansas
4PM Staff Meeting
CIO: So, we're okay now?
Manager: No, we still have problems, but they're higher quality problems.
5000 Ellin Road
Lanham, Maryland
Overheard by: Cantabile
9AM TGIF
Manager #1: I don't feel like working today.
Manager #2: So why don't you go home?
Manager #1: 'Cause I don't get paid to do nothing at home....
3200 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Cathie
3PM Actually, He's Leaving Reminders For Himself on His Voicemail
Office manager, on the phone: Which one of Mommy's boyfriends beat you badly enough as a child to turn you into the bitter, empty, hollow shell of a human being you are today?
Supervisor, to trainee: See? That's why we have to answer the phone quickly in this office: to keep the managers from picking up the phone. Ever.
221 Corporate Gateway Boulevard
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Geobaldi
9AM They're Doing the Voices Already
Manager: How dare you besmirch my good name and then saunter into my office as though nothing was said? Out, out infidel!
Writer: Oh...that's just how I roll.
650 Technology Park
Lake Mary, Florida
1PM Lunch
Manager #1: Back in the 90s I wanted to be in a Salt 'n Pepa video. I was in shape back then. You could bounce a quarter off my ass.
Manager #2: Was that a quarter or a quarter pounder with cheese?
4235 South Stream Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Sanman
1PM Now Does Everyone Know What a Dramasexual Is?
Jewish Co-worker: Yeah, my Grandpa owns a jewelry store,
Boss: Do you think there's any connection to the fact that a lot of Jews are Jew-elers?
Jewish Co-worker: Uh, no...
Boss: Because if that was the case, they should start calling landscapers...ital-scapers.
Jewish Co-worker: Wow.
32100 Solon Road
Cleveland, Ohio
12PM My Job is Interfering with My Binge Drinking
Woman supervisor: So the manager called and asked me if I could open today.
Man supervisor: Yeah, me too. I was supposed to close tonight.
Woman supervisor: I told him I had some very important things to do this morning. Mostly it was getting over my hangover, 'cause I was gonna get fucking drunk last night.
Man supervisor: Sounds like a legit excuse to me.
Woman supervisor: Don't worry, you can get drunk tonight.
8341 NW Roanridge Road
Kansas City, Missouri
12PM Pretty Much His Deal With God, Too
Boss: I'm pretty much unavailable all afternoon since I have to go to the funeral, but if you really need me, you can call me between the church and the cemetary.
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Lunch
Credit manager: Anyone need some glasses?
Coworker: What kind of glasses?
Credit manager: Drinking glasses, water glasses. I have four and I'm not going to use them.
Coworker: Where'd ya get the glasses from?
Credit manager: I stole them from the hotel I was at last week
Coworker: You can't go around stealing stuff from hotels.
Credit manager: That's what my wife tells me, which is why I need to get rid of them before she finds out. Maybe I'll just put them in the break room.
142 Grand Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa
1PM Meeting on Meetings
Program manager: I think we should adopt the behaviours from the charter for meetings of the [Partnerships] section. [Steven], why don't you read them out?
[Steven]: Respect other's opinions and feelings, stay focused, turn off mobile phones, question self before others, participate enthusiastically and share experience and knowledge, have some fun....
Employee: Anyone telling me to have some fun at meetings better think again.
Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Ness
4PM Staff Meeting
Director: I don't think that will cut the mustard.
Manager: You mean "pass muster"?
Director: No, it's "cut the mustard!"
Manager: I think you're trying to say you cut the cheese.
8001 Irvine Center Drive
Irvine, Calif.
Overheard by: Pffft
12PM Managers Meeting
Hospitality Director: It's really a customer service issue. I mean, a customer could come in and their boss has gone down on them and a smile could really pick them up.
1515 Sheridan Road NE
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM Mail Merge
Boss: So then you and Josh will need to mate together the two documents that you're sending to customers, and include a note explaining why.
Co-worker: Sounds good. Starting in October, [Nathan] and I will send letters to inform all of our customers about our mating.
9630 S. Norwalk Boulevard
Santa Fe Springs, California
Overheard by: Josh
10AM Why They Both Wanted Breast Implants Is Anybody's Guess
Boss: How are your parents?
Worker #1: Fine, thanks for asking.
Worker #2: My parents are fine, too, thanks for asking!
Boss: I'm happy to hear that. When both of my parents were in the hospital at the same time, it was really hard on our whole family.
28th Street & 6th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM What Else Am I Supposed to Do with a Tongue This Long?
Project manager: Stop making love over the phone!
810 Seventh Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Marketing Manager: Hey, so welcome back! First day at work with your new boobs, huh?
Writer: No, it would appear the same old ones still work here.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM Update Personnel Files
Manager #1: Are you sure you don't need anything more? We've got the extra money to spend.
Manager #2: Haven't you heard? I'm cheap and easy. It doesn't take much to please me.
Peon: That's what I read on the intranet last week.
5442 Martway Street
Mission, Kansas
Overheard by: Office Gnome
2PM Get New Temp
Manager on phone: She'll only be filing and sorting so as long as she doesn't come in drunk and screw up the files, I don't really care about the DUI.
2250 Alcazar Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM Finalize November's Numbers
Account manager: Do you get the monthly reports and messages?
Office worker: No, I don't get anything. I'm so lonely.
409 Prospect Street
New Haven, Connecticut
10AM Conference Call
Manager #1: So, do you have a hurricane there?
Manager #2: There is no hurricane in Atlanta at this time. It's way over near the Yucatan.
Manager #1: Oh. So will you get any of it?
Manager #2: It's like a thousand miles away. It's a little too soon to tell how much it will affect us at this point.
Manager #3: I heard that Wilma is the last name they have on the list.
Manager #1: Ha, ha! What will they do if another one comes? Start over?
Manager #2: They will use Greek letters.
Manager #1: Ha, ha, ha!
Manager #2: That wasn't a joke.
Manager #1: Oh. Ha, ha! So, the next one will be like Hurricane
"XVII" and then Hurricane "XVIII"? Ha, ha!
Manager #2: No. Those are Roman numerals.
5601 N. Lindero Canyon Road
Westlake Village, California
4PM Better Invest in Some Preparation H
Crew chief on phone: Hello?...No, I can't talk right now, my truck is on fire....Okay, I'll call you back. My truck is on fire....Okay, I'll deal with this tonight. My truck is on fire....Okay my truck is on fire, I can't really talk right now....Okay, my truck is literally on fire beneath me, I'll call you back.
303 Second Street West
Brooks, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Shane Parker
6AM Less "Think"; More "Recognize"
Boss: I just don't think that Gilligan's Island was appropriate theme for the company picnic. Do they want us to think we are shipwrecked here?
2350 N. Kenmore Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
5PM ... Are Fired
Director, during brainstorming session: You and your colon!
3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: George
4PM I'm Objectively Done for the Week
Art Director: It's hard to be objective when you only see the universe from your point of view.
250 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
11AM ... Or the Government Wouldn't Put Mind-Control Chemicals in Our Water
Manager in motivational meeting: Just try brainwashing yourself sometime. There is nothing wrong with being brainwashed.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: the other admin
9AM Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard
Lady manager: As far as I'm concerned, if you haven't had a rash, you haven't lived!
Kingswood Fields, Surrey
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Captain Stash
4PM Then I'll Get Promoted for Sure!
Manager: I'll just talk a lot... but not really say anything.
5800 South Quebec Street
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: leedle
11AM Personal Call
Architect on phone: Alright, you're not understanding me. [pause] Okay, what if I keep this one, but eat the other one... Look, I just need to know can I get any diseases or bacteria from these kittens or what?
2020 South King Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: crackin up
4PM Call Ambulance
Boss: If you're going to get electrocuted, do it on your own time.
4610 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Hugo Delgado
3PM Cancer Break
Manager: We're in Gwinnett County. You need to be 10 feet from the walkway if you want to legally smoke.
Smoker #1: Like, isn't that unfair? What if you're a midget? Your feet would be about half the size of mine...No, seriously. Look how big my feet are! They're like twice the size of midget feet...Oh! You mean like a ruler!
Smoker #2: Yeah, haven't you ever heard of the metric system?
333 Research Court
Norcross, Georgia
7PM Plenty of Space in That Hollow Skull
Boss: What about those materials needing to be sent out to our components?
Co-worker: Oh, I threw them in a box and shoved it under my chair. They were taking up too much room on my desk.
5205 Leesburg Pike
Falls Church, Virginia
1PM A Drunk Dog Would Have Served the Same Purpose
Boss: You know, I'm really glad we hired you. You're a good sounding board for all this stuff I take in front of clients, because you don't know anything. So you probably know as much as they do. So whatever confuses you will probably confuse them.
Associate: Uh...
Boss: Exactly.
430 W. 14th Street
New York, NY
12AM Earth: Nice Place to Visit
Boss: Well, what can I say? I love my home planet.
1480 64th Street
Emeryville, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
12PM Actually that's our job, and we overheard you all the way in NYC.
Boss: It's my job to eavesdrop on people. That's why I like to talk really loud, so that when it's quiet people think I'm not here.
Schofield Barracks
Hawaii
11AM Tech Services
Director: Here's the travel laptop I'm returning. Can you delete some of the files I put on there?
IT Manager: Yeah, sure, I'll clean it out. I better not find any pubic hairs stuck in the keyboard.
1100 L Street NW
Washington, DC
4PM Sensitivity Training
Boss on phone: If I ever do something that dumb again I want you to hit me. Hit me like a woman!
1621 18th Street
Denver, Colorado
12PM Meeting
Director: Like all of my meetings, I don't have an agenda. I like to just let people talk and it usually turns up interesting discussions.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
6PM It's Only Bad If She Doesn't Take the Kids
Boss: If we don't start turning things around here so I can get home sooner, I'm going to wind up divorced. And that would be...bad. I think.
6106 Excelsior Boulevard
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Mad Cow
8AM ...He gave His only Son, Mr. Peanut... (Retardicus 7:12)
Operations Manager: You don't like peanut butter? You've just blasphemed in my office!
10 Universal City Plaza
Universal City, California
Overheard by: Timbleweed
1PM One of the Hazards of Dating Congressmen
Boss: Are you cranky because you fell into the toilet?
601 E Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM Relationship Management
Manager to customer: At what point do you see this conversation getting any better for you?
10 Scotia Street
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Division Meeting
Division Manager: I hate it when logic happens.
1930 Bishop Lane
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Doug Whitworth
12AM Just Die (So We Can Resurrect You) Already
Office Manager: Are the purple ones grape?
Bored Admin: No, they're not
Office Manager: Are they sugar-free?
Bored Admin: Ah, no, they're not.
Office Manager: They look eastery!
111 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Customer Visit
Customer: I don't understand why you can't keep up with production.
Program manager: You aren't following the rules. You are running twice the daily quoted volumes.
Customer: But we are still under the yearly volumes. You just need to plan better.
Program manager: I can't just shit capacity out of my ass!
5540 Parque Industrial
Ciudad Juarez, Mexico
2PM Layoffs Meeting
Manager: It would be misleading of me to tell you that there was any hope of you having a job.
1919 Swift Drive
Oak Brook, Illinois
3PM Smoke Break
Supervisor: You're either talking to yourself, singing to yourself, thinking about talking to yourself, or thinking about singing to yourself. Am I right?
4708 Lacey Boulevard SE
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
4PM More Party Planning
Manager: We're totally gonna win! We're gonna build the holiday tower of pain!
101 Truman Avenue
Yonkers, New York
4PM Call [ColdCo]
Owner #1: We need to get the freezer fixed.
Owner #2: Well, we can call [ColdCo].
Owner #1: [ColdCo] raped us last time!
Owner #2: True. But this way at least we know our rapist.
201 North 78th Street
Omaha, Nebraska
5PM Rarely is the Correlation So Explicit
Plant Manager: Thanks. That really takes a load off my ass. I've had a headache all day.
2nd Avenue S
Birmingham, Alabama
8AM FYI: God Only Uses AIM
Boss: He can't talk to me like I'm his little brother. He needs to act like it's God on the phone.
159 Jackson Road
Berlin, New Jersey
Overheard by: R. Collins
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Did you pick up [Bruce]?
Owner: Yes, I picked him up.
[Bruce]: Do you think it's a sign to go home when you run out of gas in your car at a gas station who runs out of gas?
101 East Main Street
Farmington, New Mexico
5PM That's a Wrap
Manager: Thank you, you are an officer and a gentleman.
1175 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM Get a Ride Home
Co-worker #1: I don't want to drive you home; it's way out of my way. Just take the company van home.
Co-worker #2: If I had a dick I would tell you to suck it.
General Manager: Hey, not in the office.
Co-worker #2: You too.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
12PM Order New Server
Director: ...so, do you have any ideas why all these clips are showing up as being not on server?
Engineer: Ah, yes, it's a procurement error. We bought shit.
201 Wood Lane
Shepherd's Bush, London
UK
4PM Cigarette Break
Manager: Man, I hate that rep. Only he has the power to permeate every fiber of my being with his earnest, sniveling, annoying little voice. "I'm sorry." "Would you mind?" "Is it a problem?" Grow some balls, freak show!
105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York
9AM Bright-eyed and Bushy-tailed
Graphic Designer: So let me know when you can get me that FreeHand job, I'm not busy today.
Art Director: No problem.
650 South 6th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM 'Fuck You' Was More of a Request Than an Expletive
Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You're fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn't clocked in. You can't fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, 'You're fired,' and then clocks him out.
Employee: That's so unfair.
Circle Centre Mall
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Pick Up Kids
Teacher: I don't know if my students will regress enough to qualify for summer services.
Principal: You should play music really loud when you test them.
299 Rathbun Willard Drive
Attleboro, Massachusetts
9AM Secretary: I Thought You Only Get Fired If You Wear It
Director: If I mail underwear, I'll get fired.
Direct mail department of a conservative Catholic organization
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Chuckles to Himself
2PM Facilities Issues
HR assistant: So, Paul*, when are you gonna take a look at my thing? I'm bursting at the seams, right?
Paul the safety director: [laughing] I can't look now -- and will never look at your thing.
HR assistant: But, dang it! I need some space! Look at how my file cabinets are overflowing!!
Paul: HR isn't the only department that needs filing space!
HR assistant: [sighs] I just need someone to look and to care!
4730 South Fort Apache
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Corporate Paralegal
10AM Update Site
Supervisor: Internet access appears to be back up.
Accountant: I don't care; hurl yourself out the nearest window immediately.
2005 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM That's a Wrap
Junior Boss: I once crashed a car into a tree for the insurance money.
31401 Via Della Pace
Vicenza
Italy
Overheard by: Lorelie Long
9AM TGIF
Supervisor: Let me tell you. boy, we're going to play Marine Corps baseball here. You play ball with me or I'll shove the bat up your ass!
550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Oldcorps 50
9AM I'm Nauseous Already
Boss: Make sure you wear something nice like that skirt you had on last weekend.
DJ: But what if it's cold outside this weekend?
Boss: Doesn't matter...the Army guys will pull more recruits if you broadcast in something a little revealing. Plus they paid a lot of money for this remote.
1711 Ellis Drive
Valdosta, Georgia
Overheard by: Todd McClure
10AM Call Evan to See If He's Checked In
Hotel Manager: Can we help you, ma'am?
Guest: My husband just got on the elevator without me, I can't believe that little shit/
Hotel Manager: Well, if we track him down we can send him your way.
Guest: If I can't keep track of him after 30 years you won't either.
9 East Wilson Street
Madison, Wisconsin
3PM Finally, Some Downtime
Employee #1 is fixing his hair in the bathroom mirror.
Employee #2: You look handsome today.
The toilet flushes and out comes the firm's president.
President: Do you two want to be alone?
352 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM I'm Going Home
Co-worker: Ugh...
Manager: What's the matter?
Co-worker: Nothing, I just couldn't see the screen.
Manager: Oh. Was everything flesh colored and blurry? That's from putting your hand in front of your face.
1390 Timberlake Manor Parkway
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Durp
12AM I Think I'm Confused, Myself
Salesman: Who do you think you are, Linda Ellerbee?
Business Manager: No, Kurt Vonnegut.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Roy Edelsack
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee #1: I don't believe in God. I believe in ghosts, but not God.
Employee #2: What about aliens?
Employee #1: Oh, totally!
Boss: Don't you guys have something more important to be doing?
Employee #2: I have about 1,000 other things to do. None of them is more important than this.
2223 East Speedway
Tucson, Arizona
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee: Hey! Doesn't your ma get you anything from the Easter bunny?
Supervisor: It's been years since I've gotten anything.
Employee's boy: You live with your mom?
Supervisor: So what? So do you!
Employee's boy: No, I don't.
Supervisor: Huh?...Oh...Ah, shit.
6101 Wetzel Avenue
Fort Carson, Colorado
9AM Back to Work
Manager: So, you're back! How was your vacation?
Contractor: Well, I think I got a lot done.
Peon: That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.
909 A Street
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Barnstable
2PM Conference Call
Manager: You could sit in my office since I am dialed in, but I just got over the crud so maybe that is not such a good idea. Why don;t you go down to the Alpha Room?...No, scratch that. Those guys went
to Taco Bueno for lunch and I am not sure that is such a good idea. Maybe you just better dial in from your office.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
2PM Review Candidates
District Supervisor: Wait, maybe I misunderstood him, but was he saying "Bachelor's Degree"?
Regional Manager: Actually, the words he used were "Bastard's Degree."
District Supervisor: Ha, ha! I thought so but I didn't think he could be that ignorant.
Regional Manager: Well, he is a retarded ex-con with personality disorders.
District Supervisor: Yeah, you're right.
3651 Cedarcrest Avenue
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Joshua Carpenter
10AM Sensitivity Class
Employee #1: Yeah, I made out with girls when I was younger.
Employee #2: You did?
Employee #3: No way!
Boss: You know, that's a Jewish thing.
Employee #2: What?
Boss: Yes, a lot of Jewish girls I know have fooled around with their girlfriends or are, you know, lesbians.
6 E. 32nd Street
New York, NY
8AM I Vote We Feed It to the Retards
Boss: Hey, you guys! We're supposed to be a team. I think we should take a vote on the grimy chicken.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
2PM But Aren't We Scheduled to Exchange Briefs and Deliver Oral Arguments?
Office Assistant: If I go back to the phone without an answer this guy is going to eat me out.
Manager: I think you mean chew you out.
1125 Colonel Drive
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: WOW @ CU
2PM Project Meeting
Manager: How are we supposed to get any work done if all of our developers keep getting sucked off?
4740 44th Avenue SW
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: g-man
10AM Exit Interview
CSR: I feel bad though that I'm leaving -- I really like it here.
Manager: Oh, don't feel bad. We got our money's worth out of you.
Supervisor: Uh.
Manager: Um, I know, that sounds bad, huh. What I mean is that we, as a company, would much rather hire smart people who leave after two years than stupid people who stay here for, like, forty.
CSR: Thanks?
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM Easter Party
VP: This'll be the director's Easter present to you.
Coordinator: Oh, you mean I don't get any eggs this year?
VP: No, you don't.
Coordinator: Well, can you at least hide it so I can find it?
VP: Yes, we can do that.
900 Simpson Street
St. Paul, Minnesota
4PM Retreat Planning Committee
Boss #1: So this year's convention will be at the MGM Graham in Las Vegas...What?
Boss #2: Did you say "graham" like graham cracker?
Boss #1: It's not "graham"?
3411 Pinnacle Gardens Drive
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM That's a Wrap
Product Manager: You know, I don't like playing dumb.
IT: Yeah, well, I don't either, but sometimes I just have to.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
1AM You Might Even Say, Explosive Anger
Program director: Was he ever a Muslim? Because he carries himself with that same kind of anger.
2739 Cedar Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM It Took the Doctors 30 Minutes to Remove the Staple Remover
Project manager: From now on, when we staple, we do it in the top quarter inch of the page.
San Francisco International Airport
San Francisco, California
5PM And the Smell of Pending Litigation
Electrician: I think I may have made a mistake.
Owner of office: Ya think so? What gave it away, the flames?
528 Newtown Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
12PM Test Phones
Shipping Manager: I can't hear anything on my phone whenever I make or receive a call. Can you check it out for me?
IT Director: Did you get your hearing checked?
4055 Casilio Parkway
Clarence, New York
4PM Pitch Meeting
Middle Manager: He wanted to talk about organic augmentation.
Boss: Did you tell him yours was large enough to be one?
2076 South Street
Quantico, Virginia
1PM Lunch
Copywriter: I was accosted by a woman with a French accent at the mall at lunch today.
Art Director: Really? How odd.
Copywriter: Yeah, she buffed my nails and I purchased her product. Only now am I remembering the accent as being fake.
Art Director: I had a run in with the cops over lunch.
930 South Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana
9AM She Prefers Movies About Superheros...Made by Jewish People
Customer: What movie starts next?
Box office girl: That would be Keeping up with the Steins, at 11:55.
Customer: And what's that about?
Box office girl: I believe family problems around the time of the kid's bar mitzvah.
Manager [under her breath]: It's about Jewish people, duh.
Customer: Two for X-Men, please.
510 North Orlando Avenue
Winter Park, Florida
9AM Back to Work
Manager: I should send you guys a screenshot of my desktop. It looks like Bill Gates threw up all over it.
17601 Brook Park Road
Brook Park, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Sales Manager: How am I supposed to give you the Heimlich if you have your door shut?
2176 Avenue C
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
11AM Staff Meeting
Employee: Do you always have to act like a child?
Manager: This company is all about innovation. And studies have consistently shown that the most innovative thought comes from the ages of five and under.
31601 Pacific Hwy South
Federal Way, Washington
10AM Client Meeting
Producer: So, here is everything you need for the meeting.
Account Person: Okay. Did you get a chance to make the changes we talked about?
Produer: What changes?
Account Person: The changes that were brought up in the call. I talked about them in the conference wrap-up email.
Producer: I didn't get a conference wrap-up email.
Account Person: Well I know, I didn't send it to you yet.
466 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Crisis Management Meeting
Boss: You'll be happy to know that we asked accounting to open up a billing code for "unstrategic planning."
5340 Alla Road
Los Angeles, California
10AM Address Trainees
Manager: These trainees are useless; they're just like fungus, and they itch!
Postal Code 112
Ruwi, Oman
12AM The Headlines Are Already Written
Cubicle farmer: Did you know that George Bush is a genius?
55 East 52nd Street
New York, NY
HQ division head: Nothing is too good for down range, therefore down range shall get nothing.
U.S. Forces "Diplomatic Training"
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
12PM I'm Still Confused
Suit #1: So it's a formalization of a process management control?
Suit #2: Well, I wouldn't say "control" but yes.
200 Hudson Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Account Manager: I totally disagree with this, with every fiber of my being.
Creative Director: Wow, thats a lot of fiber.
720 East Pete Rose Way
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Marketing Manager: You know it would be so awful if that hunting guy died, but yet, it would be so awesome if that hunting guy died.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
3PM Seth's Birthday Thing
Supervisor: Boy, that was one killer party! I've never kissed so many butts at once in my life!
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Producer: Alan Greenspan is leaving the Fed and so our business anchor is crying.
1 Time Warner Center
New York, NY
Overheard by: The McCrum
10AM Interview Temps
Boss on phone: No, no, you gotta understand, I need some help down there...I'm not the pusher, I'm the receiver.
444 Spear Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: erikrand
10AM Order New Camera
Boss: Damn it! My camera is dead again!
Receptionist: Didn't you just replace those batteries a couple of days ago?
Boss: Yes.
Sales: Maybe you're out of megapixels.
1003 Distribution Drive
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Update Budgets
Head of IT: Can we get those new computers?
CFO: Sorry, it's not in the budget this year.
He walks over to the calendar.
CFO: Hey, isn't this last year's calendar? When are you going to put up the correct one?
IT Drone: Sorry, a new calendar isn't in the budget this year.
75 South Church Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Joe
7AM The Perils of the Riddle Industry
Client: It doesn't sound as if the rep really understands the product. Does she need more training?
Account Manager: Oh, she understands the product. She just can't explain it.
6665 N. Macarthur Boulevard
Irving, Texas
3PM The Crystal Ball Shows Me Outta Here and You Buying Three White Fur Bucket Hats
Admin: Can I go home after we've finished this bit? I don't usually work long Fridays.
Boss: I've got two nephews to buy presents for and then decide what to wear for a pimps and hos party after this, and you think you've got problems?
Woodingdean
Brighton, United Kingdom
3PM Makes You Wonder If It's Us or the Customers
General manager: Did Jimmy* clean the wall in the bathroom?
Business manager: Yeah. Who put boogers on the wall, anyway?
Main Street
Saginaw, Michigan
11AM PowerPoint Class
Director #1: [Beth], sit over here!
Director #2: Yeah [Beth], this is the power row.
2111 North Haskell Avenue
Dallas, Texas
4PM Get More Bins
Marketing Manager: Do we have any more blue bins?
Summer minion: Oh my God, no! Those bins are disappearing like a fat kid on cake.
66 Wellington Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Summer Internship Starts
Intern: Where's will-call? I have to drop off tickets.
Security dude: Will Call? Who's that? [Calls manager over]
Manager chick: You're looking for Will?
662 6th Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Get Answers
Manager on phone: So I'm going to ask you a question, and you're going to hate me for not knowing the answer. [pause] That was below the belt. [pause] It's child protection. [pause] Annnyways, I was wondering...
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
9AM Back to Work
Foreman: Today is Shadow Day.
A/P: What's that?
Foreman: They let the kids off school to go with a parent to see what they actually do at work.
A/P: And she picked you?
3559 Belgium Lane
San Antonio, texas
2PM Prepare Mailer
Manager: I hope those envelopes don't have subpar glue on them.
Boss: I don't know; I'm a lover not a licker.
7 Middlesex Road
Tyngsboro, Massachusetts
10AM Team Meeting
Manager: You all need to help out and pull a shift in the Concierge Department. This is what team work is all about. I make too much money to help in the Concierge Department.
47 East Beaver Creek Boulevard
Avon, Colorado
12PM Hire Receptionist
Co-worker #1 on intercom: [Renee], you have a call on line one.
Co-worker #2 on intercom: [Brenda], there is a call on line 3 for you.
Boss on intercom: All right, people. We have to stop using this all-over-the-building page thing for no good reason.
1710 Roy Acuff Place
Nashville, Tennessee
1PM Lunch
Manager #1: If I worked at this office every day, I'd never get anything done. You guys spend all your time walking around and socializing.
Manager #2: Now that's not true. I also spend a good amount of time in the bathroom.
1700 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Non-Interrogation
Tech: Is this some sort of interrogation?
Supervisor: Ah...yeah...we're not cops, so, obviously not.
19555 West Bluemound Road
Waukesha, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Mike
9AM There's a Morning Wake-up
Employee: What are you doing? Are you okay?
PR Manager: Ugh...Stretching. I slipped on the subway this morning.
Employee: Oh, it looks like you're trying to...never mind.
11 Hanover Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Partner: Tell me something. Does anyone around here care about me at all? I mean if I were to drop dead right here and now in the middle of the floor would just leave me lying there or at least push me into a dark corner?
Receptionist: I'm sure I could manage a little bit better than that.
Partner: Well, thank you. At least someone cares.
1218 Webster Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Office Slave
1PM He's Manager for a Reason
Restaurant manager, to hobo panhandling inside the restaurant: You need to leave right now.
Hobo: Man, how you know I not here for some crab cakes and fine wine?
Restaurant manager: Because you have human shit all over your pants.
Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM Coffee Break
Partner: I was the youngest licensed hypnotist in New York.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM Check E-mail
Project Manager: I can only imagine what has been coming in my box...My email box.
1137 North 26th Street
Sheboygan, Wisconsion
Overheard by: Chris O'Brien
6PM Likewise, You're Not an Alcoholic Unless You Quit
Project manager: I mean, it's really not even a bender unless it's affecting your performance at work, now is it?
1620 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Lame Duck Car Buyers
Old woman: How dare you pick me up in a truck? I drive a Cadillac and you pick me up in a truck?! This is the last Cadillac I ever buy from you!
Manager: That's not much of a threat, now, is it? Seriously, look at you. I mean, there's not a lot of Cadillacs left in you, is there?
Car dealership
Ohio
10AM I Quit, Asshole!...I Think It's a Jelly Glazed, But I Can't Tell For Sure.
Division chief: Why are you wearing a visitor pass? What happened to your badge?
Editor: Hey, fuck you, I brought in donuts!
Division chief: How dare you talk to me like that...Is that a Boston Cream?
Pentagon, 48 North Rotary Road
Arlington, Virginia
11AM Return to Construction Site
Clerk: It actually hurts talking to you.
Receptionist: Hey, it hurts talking to you, sometimes. You use big words too much.
Clerk: Go away, I've hit my stupid quotient for the day.
Manager: You are so mean to her.
10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada
12PM Meeting
Program Director: I'll have to re-look that back up.
50 Beale Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Office Cog
1PM "...Want to see the vine I grew?"
Account Exec: ...I stopped by this morning to go over stuff from the call but you were out. Were you at [the client]'s?
VP: No, actually, to be perfectly honest, I just ate way too many grapes this morning.
555 Sparkman Drive NW
Huntsville, Alabama
1PM Someone Better Rife This Guy Before He Causes Any Serious Madage
Admin: I just ordered the pizzas, but I don't know if it's gonna get here. I kept telling them, "Our building is on Exalander Road," and they didn't even know where that was.
Boss: We work on Alexander Road.
Admin: I know, that's what I kept telling them. Exalander Road. But they had no clue.
Route 1 South and Alexander Road
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Emily
3PM Well, It Is and It Isn't
Supervisor: She used to wear all sorts of things in her hair, and then one day she showed up with a condom, and we were like, 'Honey, that's not a scrunchie.'
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
5PM That's a Wrap
Project Manager: What's that band-aid on your neck for?
Owner: I had a melanoma removed.
Worker: Oh, I thought you were on the patch, but I didn't know they made a patch for "Asshole".
Owner: No, it's for hemorrhoids. I'm going to disappear.
8929 Rosedale Highway
Bakersfield, California
3PM Update Payroll
Bookkeeper: What is Susan's last name?
Office Manager: Susan who?
812 Moorefield Park Drive
Richmond, Virginia
9AM It Begins
Manager: Did I hear someone trying to play matchmaker? Have you routed a memo for approval?
10155 102 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: angel.girl
9AM Monday Does Rhyme with Funday
Co-worker: Hey [Trish], can you come here a sec?
Office Manager: Yeah, where are you?
Co-worker: I'm in the closet.
155 6th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Client Meeting
Field Services Manager: I can't believe he brought up all those issues in front of [the client]. He made us look even more inept than we already sounded!
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
1PM Think of It Less as Creation and More as Intelligent Design
Art Director: We had another "captain literal" sighting in a client
meeting today. People are stupid.
Copywriter: Be less creative. It always works for me.
930 S. Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana
12AM And How Are the Rents in Your Town?
Senior Manager: They're paying him $70,000 a year. What is he going to do? Live in a shack in the Bronx?
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
10AM Update Database
Specialist: This guy's name is September...that can't be right.
Boss: Not in January, it isn't.
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
12PM Conference Call
Office Manager: Well, I'm done with my conference call.
Employee: That wasn't very long.
Office Manager: Sorry about that. I aim to satisfy.
132 East Central Avenue
Lake Wales, Florida
9AM Grab a Cup
Boss: Oh good morning, would you like some coffee?
Building Manager: Oh, I don't think so.
Boss: Oh, have some.
Building Manager: No, thanks. It'll just make me perspire. I had a cup and a half before I left for work this morning and my makeup slid right off my face.
3040 M Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Chris
8AM Oh, Snapfish!
Middle Manager: Snapfish is right in downtown San Francisco.
Transsexual: Hmm, maybe I should go work for them.
Middle Manager: Oh, you'd love it, they're very diverse...They're all young. They're all under 40.
Transsexual: Oh, maybe I'm too old.
3404 East Harmony Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
5PM Of Course If We Fire Her, We'll Have the Expense of Training Another Screamer
General manager: Should we fire Missy*? She was screaming at you in front of other employees.
Manager #1: I don't know. What does Missy* feel we should do to her?
General manager: Uh, I didn't ask her.
Manager #2: She thinks we should buy her a pizza and give her a raise. What the fuck do you think she feels we should do to her?
Indianapolis, Indiana
11AM But Then I Gave Him the Pink Slip and Felt a Lot Better
Boss, talking about bad ex-employee: Dick was a real pain in the ass.
1900 Avenue of the Stars
Century City, California
Overheard by: JuliaTastic
2PM Network Check
IT guy: Let me make sure everything is kosher with the server.
Brand manager: Do you need a rabbi for that?
IT guy: All the servers come with a rabbi chip now.
259 Granby Street
Norfolk, Virginia
10AM Work Phone
Staff Auditor: Hey [Senior Audtior], your wife is on the phone. Should we tell her the audit room smells too badly and you will call her back?
Senior Auditor: Yeah...
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Smell E. Lotz
3PM [Elizabeth]'s Goodbye Party
Boss: [Elizabeth], we wish you the best. You are a nice person and if you ever want to come back to work here, you are welcome. Now where is [Rachel]? [Rachel], do you want to say a few words? Because I can only comment on [Elizabeth] as a person, not her work.
1425 New York Avenue NW
Washington, DC
11AM Reboot Registers
Chief of Plant Operations: We need to disconnect and then reconnect the cash registers from the parking booths. This is high priority.
IT: Huh? Why not just leave it connected?
700 State Drive
Los Angeles, California
5PM Since No High-Profile Plane Crashes Have Happened Recently, Everyone Laughed Good-Naturedly at the Pilot's Joke
Pilot: Folks we'll be flying at 28 thousand feet today, however, the folks at maintenance only gave us enough fuel to fly at 22 thousand feet. So, we'll see what happens. Enjoy your flight!
Delta Airlines flight
4PM Amanda Hugginkiss Had Responded and Was Befuddled by the Accusation
Manager: We've noticed that you haven't responded to the anonymous survey. We'd like your feedback as soon as possible.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
11AM Sensitivity Training
Boss: So what's the going rate for hiring midgets these days?
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure you can just fire up Google and type in "Midget to hire tri-state" and somthin's gonna pop up.
12 East 46th Street
New York, NY
12PM Meeting
Chair: The beauty of this meeting is that we don't need to make any decisions.
2000 Navy Pentagon
Washington, DC
12PM He Aced the Mixed Drinks Portion of the Bar Exam
Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?
Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?
Prosecutor: Cause he...ummm...knows stuff?
State Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
10AM Staff Meeting
Manager: If we peed out our nose, then we wouldn't have this problem.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
10AM Contact Miami Offices
Senior Manager: [Justine] just asked me if you heard from the Miami system about the problem we had on Friday afternoon.
Manager: No. They were preparing for Wilma to hit them...oh, about now.
1400 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Why Rome Fell
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn't that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
12PM Lunch
Accountant: This chicken [Sue] brought in is yummy. I'm just going to take a break to eat it here rather than take it back to my desk. I don't trust myself not to get my paperwork all greasy.
Supervisor: That's why I'm going to make a sandwich out of it.
Secretary: Oh, I don't care about greasy fingers. All I do is handle incoming checks all day.
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM Orientation Meeting
Manager #1: He is just here to put out the fires that get lit under my ass.
Manager #2: Basically I'm the ass guard. I provide ass protection.
400 East 11th Street
Chattanooga, Tennessee
11AM Sign Off on Blueprints
Director: Hey, you got a tape measure?
Ops Coordinator: What do you need a tape measure for?
3 Nationwide Plaza
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Surprisingly Effective
Male supervisor who drives a PT Cruiser: My car's as much of a chick magnet as me walking into a room without a shirt on making farting noises with my armpit.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
4PM Department Meeting
Area Manager: We will need to open an investigation into this and see what happened.
Superintendent: I'll tell you what happened: he fucked up!
Area Manager: Well, I didn't say it needed to be a long investigation.
128 Spring Street
Ypsilanti, Michigan
4PM It's Where the Porn Stars Go
Manager: Yeah, so at this new salon I can get my hair highlighted for $120, and that includes the shampoo, haircut, and blow job.
Bethesda, Maryland
5PM That's a Wrap
Manager: We don't have a single product with an orifice
2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina
12PM Policy Meeting
Specialist: He thought it was "unfair" that we'd charge him a fee for cashing out his certificate before the maturity date.
Boss: He's lucky he was talking to you. I'd have told him, "I had to put my cat to sleep last night; that's unfair."
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Check Forecast
VP: Did you see the numbers today?
Marketing Manager: No. Is it bad?
VP: No. We're up.
Marketing Manager: We are?
VP: Yeah. Yesterday we were down 4.31, today we're up 0.51%. I mean, the goal was 10% so we're not out of the woods.
Marketing Manager: So it's like they've given us a year to live, not six months?
VP: Something like that.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel Durand
3PM Cigarette Break
General Manager: Wait, his ex-wife is white? What color are their children? Beige?
805 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eric
