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12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands
Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!
Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan
9AM But not While Practicing; We've Had Very Mixed Results with That
Account manager on phone: How can she be a virgin? She's a doctor! Would you want your doctor to be a virgin? I think by law, you should have to have sex before you are able to practice medicine.
171 Nepean
Ottawa, Ontario
Overheard by: Smithout
5PM Out of Here
Suit: We don't need to do that right away, we can do it tomorrow.
Boss: We should do it today. Why put off until tomorrow what we can do today?
Suit: I was thinking about killing you yesterday.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
2PM Her Resume Comes with a Centerfold
Boss: Did you talk to that girl Rachel*?
Male employee on phone: Yes, I have her resume in front of me now.
Boss: She's very pretty... she has big boobs.
Male employee on phone: Really.
Boss: Something to think about.
6671 Eastland Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: melessa
3PM Dude, You Have Got to Go Bury That Somewhere Before the Cops Come By Again!
Supervisor #1: I smell mothballs.
Supervisor #2: Probably just my old body.
1143 West 116th Street
Carmel, Indiana
Overheard by: Samantha
11AM Strategy Meeting
Project Manager: He needs to step into my office. The office of my fist. If he messes with my developer one more time, I'm gonna drop him like a bad habit. And by "drop" I mean "drop kick". And by "bad habit" I mean "communist hobo".
1375 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM Asset Management
Boss: Chinese women have no asses. They dream of having a big round ass. Like a black ass. You see that? That is a big black ass.
9925 Jefferson Boulevard
Culver City, California
Overheard by: Roland Kellar
12AM Milk is Always Better From the Tap
General Manager: Let's not forget that this week is World Breastfeeding Week.
34705 W 12 Mile Road
Farmington Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Rebecca L Jones
2PM Sitdown with Legal
Co-worker: This report is bullshit.
Boss: Did you just say "bullshit"? I thought you folks weren't allowed to swear?
Co-worker: I didn't swear.
Boss: Yeah you did, no big deal. I don't want your turban to unfurl.
1 Technology Drive
Milpitas, California
2PM Actually She Details Cars, Professionally
Account manager: So I sent you that new job applicant. Have fun.
Recruiter: I just opened it up. Wow, she completely misspelled 'Delaware State.'
Account manager: Oh, it gets worse.
Recruiter: 'Seven years,' with an '-s!' And she spelled 'with' wrong!
Account manager: Yep, and she's a detail-oriented professional.
Trolley Square
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Rhymes with Banana
1PM Otherwise, We Can Only Give You This Hillary Mask and Wish You Godspeed
Employer walking into the office: President Clinton is downstairs on Wacker Drive, but I think you girls will be safe if you just stay inside.
150 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
5PM No, But I Can Claim Sexual Harassment For Your Use of the Phrase 'Rock-Hard Nipples'
Creative director: It's so cold in here, my rock-hard nipples are chafing on my shirt. Can I claim workman's comp for that?
Radio station
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: it really is cold in here
9AM My Soul Has Filed for Chapter 11
Manager #1: So how'd that meeting go? Are you still morally bankrupt?
Manager #2: Why, yes! Yes, I am!
750 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
5PM Well, Some of the Time, Anyway
Office manager: We kinda have a policy we sorta have to follow.
5757 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Meeting with Client
Senior Director: Well, I hate to tell you this, but we're going to be a week late with your report.
Client on speaker: You fuckin' serious? The fuck you doing over there? Writing this thing in pen? Sanskrit? The fuck, man?
Senior Director: Actually, I'm chipping it away in stone...hey, don't you worry about how I'm writing this fucking report! You'll get it in a week. Who the fuck are you to give me an attitude
Client: Fuck you! Hurry the fuck up! We're paying your ass, so you should be nice to me!
Senior Director: Kiss my ass!...cock eyed fuck! By the way, how is the wife doing?
51 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
4PM Staff Meeting
Manager: We need to be ducked-rowed here as there will be a lot of scrutiny given we've had the opportunity to reoutlook the schedule twice now and yet the schedule continues to slip.
229 8th Street SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
4PM "Restructuring" Meeting
Manager: The organization just gets bloated. There are all these Vice Presidents, and each of them has 10 or 12 locations reporting to him. And they all need resources, so he puts his team together. Sometimes you just need an enema.
901 East Whitmore Avenue
Modesto, California
3PM Smoke Break
Boss: When [Martin] first started working for the company he called me up to introduce himself and told me how great the owner thought we were and how they should order all their appraisals from us. Then he said that he was a little confused by one thing the owner had said about me personally. He said that I liked showtunes.
18 Sycamore Avenue
Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey
Overheard by: GrIzZlEbEe!!!
11AM Staff Meeting (Cont'd)
Associate: I have a idea that might be helpful.
Manager: You know what a suggestion is? It's an OFI: Opportunity For Improvement.
327 West 14th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Fidget
4PM They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up
Customer: You mean you don't have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma'am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn't have any legs!
Husband: It's true, I don't have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.
Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe
2PM Well, You and I Could Still Meet
Manager: So, the meeting is cancelled.
Office hoochie: And I put a clean thong on for this!
1950 Broadway
Oakland, California
Overheard by: mcbutters
3PM Don't Even Be Eatin' That Yogurt in Front of Me
Boss: There's pizza in the back room for everyone in appreciation of your hard work!
Employee #1: Hey, Jen*, can you save me a slice? I can't leave my desk right now.
Employee #2: Sure, I'll bring two back. There should be enough for two slices per person.
Employee #3: You know, I work harder than the rest of you all combined; therefore, I should get the most fuckin' pizza. Does anyone else here work as hard as me? I don't fuckin' think so. So that means that I get more pizza. I don't want to see anyone eating more fuckin' pizza than me.
Employee #2: So, Meredith*, what kind of pizza did you want?
Employee #1: Um, I think I'll just... stick with my yogurt... Thanks.
570 Worcester Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
12PM It's Good for Filling Wet Cracks, Am I Right?
Boss #1: We have a caulk issue.
Boss #2: Is it big?
Boss #3: Very.
Employee passerby: I know all about caulk -- it's very sticky.
548 Highway 155
St. Germain, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Tony
11AM Design Meeting
Project manager: Thanks, [Craig].
Art director: You mean [Jose]? He's [Craig].
Project manager: I mean [Jose]. Sorry, I got you mixed up since you're both wearing yellow shirts.
Art director: My shirt isn't yellow. Neither is [Craig's].
6501 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
7PM That Long Weekend is Finally Here!
Lawyer #1: I now ask that this binder be admitted into evidence.
Lawyer #2: We would object to that, Your Honor.
Judge: What is your basis for introducing this into evidence?
Lawyer #1: The "moving things along faster" basis.
Judge: Denied.
500 Pearl Street
New York, NY
6AM He Learned This the Hard Way
Tenant: You know, it has been so nice outside, I wish we had windows that would open.
Building manager: Yeah, me too, but if we did, everyone would be jumping out of them to kill themselves.
270 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: JB
1PM He Does Love His Wife's Butt
Branch manager on phone: Hello? Ok, put him through. Hey, Matt*! Hold on, let me shut my office door... Yeah... Yeah... I do love my wife...
Cubicle chick: Did he just say what I think he said? 'I do love my wife'?
Sales guy: Yes, but I think you missed a part. He said 'I do love my wife, but...'
Cubicle chick: It's gonna be a goood day!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM ...But I've Got to Pay the Coke Bill, So Gimme $50, and We'll Snuggle
Supervisor: So I said to my son, "You want me to cuddle with you?" And he said, "No, Daddy, I've already slept with enough people today."
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM "Oh, so she is that qualified!"
Office Manager: You hired her, but you haven't interviewed anyone else. Is she that qualified?
Suit: Actually no, she doesn't have any experience working as an engineer.
Office Manager: Then why not interview some other people and see if you find someone better?
Suit: Because I don't feel like interviewing. Besides, she has a really nice rack so I will at least have something good to look at.
1042 Hamilton Ct.
Menlo Park, California
3PM Well, You Guys Are the Engineers, So If You Say It Needs to Be Made out of Platinum...
Tech: So do you think that we should go for this project?
Boss: Absolutely. The client is ridiculously stupid, but they are open-minded.
Bishopsgate, London
Overheard by: whyamIhere?
4PM Now You've Gone and Spoiled the Ending
Scientist: What are the goals of this management plan?
Project manager: The goal is to come up with a plan to manage the system, but we are not authorized to actually manage anything.
Scientist: So the goal of this meeting is really an excuse for you to draw on the white board and act important?
3301 Gun Club Road
West Palm Beach, Florida
2PM But He Is My Son
Office manager: He kinda looks like a Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: What?
Office manager: A Ninja Turtle. Don't you see it?
Receptionist: Ummm...
Office manager: You know, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: Oh, that kind of Ninja Turtle... I don't see it.
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
4PM What Would Jesus Eat?
Manager: You know, people a long time ago, people like Jesus, they weren't fat.
2904 Rodeo Park Drive East
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: in the office next door
11AM But One You Must Learn to Relish Here at Festering Fruit International
Supervisor: A warm banana is an acquired taste.
Park Ave
New York City
10AM Under Sales Goal
Salesman: Yeah, I'm fucking fed up with that guy. He hasn't sent in his reports for weeks. Just keeps flying out to Texas. What the fuck are we paying him for, anyway?
Manager: Texas? What's he doing in Texas?
Salesman: Oh, apparently his dad died or something.
3000 Birch
Brea, California
12AM The Definition of Unionism
Teacher: Am I going to have a job here next school year?
Principal: Only if you want to work at a school where you're not welcome.
419 East 66th Street
New York, NY
2PM What Really Happened to IBM
Project manager: Because of their dependencies, these two projects should be run in parallel.
CEO: Yeah, we need to paralyze them. Good idea, Ted*!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lila
5PM What He Learned at Harvard Business School
Branch manager: Wiggy wiggy wiggy wuzza wuzza wiggy. Wiggy!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Ordering Supplies
Secretary: My pencil drawer is broken. It needs a new twisty nail.
Boss: Twisty nail?
Secretary: Yeah, you know, with the X-groove on top.
Boss: You mean a Phillips-head screw?
Secretary: Whatever.
118 East Whittier
St. Francis, Kansas
9AM Exactly What We Need to Jump Start Our Marketing Campaign
Marketing Director: There's one student there I'd love to get a photo of. She's drop dead gorgeous and hardly ever wears clothes.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, AZ
4PM Budgets Due
Boss: Do you hear that? That's the sound of me getting screwed.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
2PM Why Don't You Give It a Try and We'll See?
Manager, to underling: Haven't apes evolved to the point where they could do your job?
3888 Stewart Road
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Mike
5PM That's a Wrap
Account Manager: Hey, do you feel like a monkey in the middle of an idiot sandwich?
Process Analyst: That would make you one of the idiots. Are you calling yourself an idiot?
Account Manager: Oh...huh?
5 minutes later.
Process Analyst: Hey, do you feel like an idiot in a monkey sandwich?
Account Manager: Ha! Now you are the idiot!
Process Analyst: No...that still makes you the idiot.
520 Guthridge Court
Norcross, Georgia
6PM Looks Like Those Undies Were Already Stamped
Co-worker: Can you notarize something for me?
Accounting supervisor: Got any money?
Co-worker: Nope.
Accounting worker-bee: Then you must take off your pants, get on the empty chair and dance for us.
Co-worker: Really?
Entire accounting department: Really.
Co-worker: Are tightie whities okay?
2200 Broening Highway
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM I'm Partial to the Hysterical Praying
In a crowded elevator, everyone is quiet except for the clunking of the elevator.
Employee: That was a new sound.
Manager: My favorite is the screaming.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
11AM How to Murder Your Step-Father, Cross Dress, or Outsmart Woodland Nymphs -- That We Can Do.
Box office manager: Sir, this is the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. I can't tell you how to fix your microwave.
800 East Grand Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
2PM When Bush Is Left Alone in the Oval Office
Manager #1, to temp: So, listen -- you'll be in charge of the department today while we're at an all-staff meeting. But ain't no cameras here, so you can use this space to roller skate while we're gone.
Manager #2: Yeah, or stand on the desk.
Manager #3: Or take a doody.
15th Street
Washington, DC
3PM I Thought That Was Supposed to be Happening in Your Office?
Boss: Jeez Louise, we're just nailing each other over here!
Kansas City, Missouri
10AM Picking Up Printouts
Office manager: I finally got pants on my monkey. But his tail won't go through the hole.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Posted 2006-05-24