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9AM If At First You Don't Succeed, Lower Your Standards
Drunk chick: Hey, bartender! Did anyone ever tell you you look like Luke from Gilmore Girls?
Bartender: No. What's Gilmore Girls?
Drunk chick: It's a show on TV. You should look it up. [To guy standing next to her] Hey, you look like this guy in this porn I have!
Dickson Street
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: laughing into my beer
1PM He Gets Smarter When He Drinks
Frat boy: Gimme something like a whiskey sour but dont put Jack Daniels or anything like that in it. I dont like whiskey!
Bartender: Well what you want in it instead of whiskey?
Frat boy: Use Jim Beam, I fucking love Jim Beam!
Evolution Nightclub
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Melvin
1PM We Export It
Chinese immigrant driver: Everyone is talking about gay marriage. What is 'gay'?
Lady driver: It's, uh, when two men or two women like each other in a, uh, sexual way.
Chinese immigrant driver: Oh! We don't have that in China.
Calgary International Airport Parkade
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Girl Driver #2
4PM Remember? Those Nine Planes?
Delivery driver: I've never had to stop and check in before.
Guard: Yes, you have. We started doin' it after two-eleven.
Delivery driver: You mean nine-eleven?
Guard, rolling eyes: No. Two-eleven, when them people crashed them planes. Two-eleven.
Delivery driver: That was in September.
Guard: Two-eleven.
Circle Center Mall Security Office
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM Just Put It on the Table and Back Away
Englishman: Can I have a tablespoon, please?
Puzzled waitress: Is that a spoon?
University and 30th Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Zombie
12PM Asian Discrimination League Meeting
FedEx Driver: Gs prices are so expensive I am thinking about delivering packages on a bike.
Warehouse employee: You and your people should be used to that.
4000 Coolidge Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
2PM Being a Muppet Is Not a Choice; They're Made That Way
Security guard #1: You hear about that wedding today? Someone's gettin' married in the park.
Security guard #2: Who? Bert and Ernie?
GR rep: Not in this state.
Sesame Place
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
2PM The Wrong Sort of Angel
Radio: 'So if your life has been touched by alcohol or substance abuse...'
Construction guy: That's me!
125th Street and Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
6AM Then You Might Not Want to Work at Goldman Sachs
Butcher: Careful! Blood on the ground's slippery.
Clerk: ...I never want to hear anyone say that to me again.
110 Route 23
Riverdale, New Jersey
5PM She'll Regurgitate it into Your Mouth for You, Like a Mother Bird
Customer: Do you have a bottle of coke?
Waitress: No.
Customer: What do you have?
Waitress: Coke.
Corper's Lodge
Okobo, Akwa Ibom, Nigeria
12AM My Father's Father is a Lesbian
Two maintenance guys arrive to vacuum a cubicle after part of the ceiling fell.
Maintenance guy, 40s: See, he's what you'd call a male chauvinist pig. He thinks vacuuming is something that a woman should do. Now, I don't look like no woman.
Maintenance guy, 20s: No, but you look like a dyke.
Maintenance guy, 40s: I look like a dyke?
Maintenance guy, 20s: Easy, Grandpa, easy!
Maintenance guy, 40s: Oh, I'm Grandpa now?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
2PM He Showed up When She Ordered a Half-Italian on White
Waitress: My boyfriend is half Italian but he is mostly white.
Cucamonga, California
Overheard by: halfbreed
8AM Terry Schiavo? The Pope?
Yard worker: I raked the yard yesterday and I figured I'd be sore but I'm not.
400 lb. woman: I would be. You're in better shape than I am.
Co-worker: Who isn't?
246 Scoville Hill Road
Harwinton, Connecticut
2PM Different Day, Same Shit
Building manager: Did you get that poop under control?
Maintenance guy: I'll deal with it on Monday.
7025 Kit Creek Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: mac774
12PM She's One of Those Undercover Deafies
Grease monkey #1: That woman over there...
Grease monkey #2: Yeah?
Grease monkey #1: Is she deaf or something?
Grease monkey #2: Yeah, she's deaf.
Grease monkey #1: But she looks just like any other woman, yo!
Jiffy Lube, Rosecrans Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: BigWig
5PM May I Suggest Decaf, Sir?
Suit: Why do we have Swiss Miss and Nesquik?
Warehouse guy: Ummm, they're not the same thing.
Suit: How so? They both make hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Well, maybe cause Swiss Miss goes in milk and water?
Suit: So why don't we just keep this around? It's a multi-tasking hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Huh? Ummm, well, maybe people like the way Nesquik 'multi-tasks.' It can be put in cold or hot milk. Good for the summer.
Suit: And this can't?
Warehouse guy: Dunno. Don't think so...
Suit: Forget it! I'll have coffee!
The Boulevard
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: CoffeeJunky
1PM Why Not Everyone Should Reproduce
Waiter, at new copy machine: Which way does this go in: face down or up, sideways or lengthways?...You're not going to tell me, are you?
Manager: We've got plenty of paper over there; keep trying until you get it right.
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
1PM He'll Marry the First Girl Who Says 'Yes'
Sales chick, holding sales order: How big is this part? Can it go UPS or does it need a skid?
Warehouse guy: Oh, no, that one is real small. It could fit up my nose.
Sales chick: Um... OK, moving on... They asked for this part a week ago, so I'm going to have it ship today instead of with their large order. Thanks!
Warehouse guy, sticking finger up his nose: Are you sure you don't want to see how big it is?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Send Out Tuition Check
Housing: You need to sign this form that talks about the potential risks of lead paint.
Student: Lead paint? Could that be dangerous?
Housing: No.
Student: Really?
Housing: Well, I wouldn't lick the walls.
400 West 119th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: djlindee
5PM He Used to Say "Sausage," but That Led to Trouble
Conductor: Tickets, please... Or in lieu of tickets, breakfast sandwiches will be accepted.
Chicago-bound commuter train
Overheard by: Pirate Alice
10AM 'Yiddish' Is Jew-Speak for 'Fuck You, Jesus Boy'
WASP: I know what that says! It's written in Jewish!
Bagel wench: Yiddish?
WASP: Are you Jewish?
Noah's Bagels, Manhattan Beach Boulevard
Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: just wants to make bagels in peace
3PM Only Bitter Experience Prompts This Kind of Advice
Rep on phone with trucker: You do know you can't drive your rig into the ocean, right? That's bad...Oh, okay. Well, I hope you have a nice view.
1368 Old Fannin Road, Suite 400
Brandon, Mississippi
4PM Return Truck
U-Haul guy #1: Okay! Pickup on the right...dropoffs on the left.
U-Haul guy #2: Yeah...Pickups on the left, dropoffs on the right.
U-Haul guy #1: What? No! You're fucking it up, dickhead!
3270 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Order Books
Construction worker: Man, just being in this place makes me want
to learn how to read.
841 Broadway
New York, NY
6AM You Just Know She's Hot as Hell
Eastern European cocktail waitress: So what is this "stepping up to the plate" you spoke of in our meeting?
Bar manager: It's an analogy...OK, it's like this: in baseball, you step into the batter's box. You step up to the plate to try and hit a home run. That's what we need, is home runs here.
Eastern European cocktail waitress: I don't understand your speech at all.
Bar manager: Great! Now I'm going to have to explain what an analogy is.
Bourbon Street Casino
120 E. Flamingo Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: KellyMarie
4PM Ducking Out Early
Mail guy: Damn, you really want to get out of here.
Lawyer: Yes, like a bat out of hell.
Mail guy: Those are my sediments exactly.
212 Washington Street
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Elaine Van DeLay
4PM "No, but I know that you're full of shit!"
A memo went out stating the upstairs bathrooms will be shut down for one week to redo the walls, sinks and plumbing. An executive tries to barge in anyway.
Union guy: You can't go in there.
Executive: Don't you know who I am?
450 W. 33rd Street
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Maintenance guy: How many nervous breakdowns are we allowed to have in a year?
Office Manager: Excuse me?
Maintenance guy: I don't know if we are supposed to stay within a goal.
5825 Chimney Rock Road
Houston, Texas
12PM Lunch
Customer: So, this Wild Mushroom Pizza, does it have mushrooms on it?
Waitress: Ummm, yeah.
701 Lynnhaven Parkway
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Cassandra
2PM Call About Rewiring
Suit: Um, you have some sort of foreign object in your hair.
Electrician: Yeah, they threw confetti at me at the last office.
111 West Ocean Boulevard
Long Beach, California
4PM On That Note, It's the Weekend
Co-worker #1: What is a good exercise for the lower abs?
Co-worker #2: Well, I can think of one exercise that's really good for the abs...
Co-worker #3: yeah, but only if he can last longer than 5 minutes.
The copy repairman pops out from under the copier.
Repairman: Well ladies, it's been an entertaining afternoon.
8565 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway
Portland, Oregon
12PM I Don't See What Epimetheus Has to Do With Anything
Hair salon receptionist: My last boyfriend cheated on me.
Nail girl: Oh, that's terrible. I had one boyfriend cheat on me in the past, too.
Hair salon receptionist: Well, you know what they say, "Hindsight is 24/7."
3202 E. Los Angeles Avenue
Simi Valley, California
Overheard by: Bruce Bristol
5PM That's a Wrap
Home Depot worker: And so he says to me, "Are those metric inches?"
650 North 54th Street
Chandler, Arizona
9AM Back to Work
Deliveryman: I'm looking for the seventeenth floor.
Receptionist: You're on the eighteenth floor.
Deliveryman: Where's the seventeenth floor?
3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
9AM Does "I Was Taking a Crap on the Laser Printer" Count as an Alibi?
Cleaning guy: Who peed in the trash can this time?
5780 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
3PM Coffee Break
Building service: Coffee's shit, man.
White collar: Yeah. Gotta work, though.
The building service person snorts an imaginary line from the countertop.
Building service: Dat's da shit you need, man. Coke id up.
1114 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
5PM It's Official: Working at MTV Makes You an MTVidiot
Security guard: No man, the race is called Jew, the religion is called Jewdity.
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM Get ATM Fixed
Repairman on phone: Sometimes they bust out and you've got to give them oral...
1200 West Main Street
Tomball, Texas
Overheard by: Sarah Lashley
12PM Go Over Contracts
Contractor: ...so we should definitely take a good look at him. I
don't want to snowball with more mess.
Specialist: ...Um...Yeah.
12443 Olive Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
5PM And the Smell of Pending Litigation
Electrician: I think I may have made a mistake.
Owner of office: Ya think so? What gave it away, the flames?
528 Newtown Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
5PM That's a Wrap
Security Guard: So I told her, "I'm 'bout to go over there & milk that goat. The baby's gotta have sum'inta eat."
9800 Kellner Road SW
Huntsville, Alabama
1PM Lunch
Butcher #1: What does that bacon look like to you
Butcher #2: An abortion?
Butcher #1: Exactly. So fix it!
1177 W. Market Street
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Nate Kelly
2PM Pick Up Mail
Mail guy #1: He said he smoked crack at work?
Mail guy #2: Yeah.
Mail guy #1: How did he do that?
Mail guy #2: He said he did it in the bathroom.
Mail guy #1: But how?
Mail guy #2: How?
Mail guy #1: Yeah. He has to walk past about 2 guards to get in the building. Those people are trained to smell shit and they know if you're coming in here dirty.
281 Tresser Boulevard
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Brenda Fate
12PM They've Got the Coroner on Speed-dial
Maintenance guy on cell: There's too many overloaded powerstrips in this building and all of the fire extinguishers are expired...you want me to call somebody?
1040 Old Yellow Creek Road
Vanleer, Tennessee
Overheard by: beth lankford
1PM And Then I'll Blow Up His Car
Boss: Well, I'm outta here! Too bad you have to stay!
Janitor: You're not letting him leave early?
Boss: No. I'm the boss. I get to go. He has to stay.
Janitor: Okay. Well, bye.
Boss: Bye! [He leaves]
Janitor: So you're leaving in five minutes, right?
Employee: I'll wait 'til he clears the building.
59 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
2PM Summer Internship Starts
Intern: Where's will-call? I have to drop off tickets.
Security dude: Will Call? Who's that? [Calls manager over]
Manager chick: You're looking for Will?
662 6th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Mail Contracts
Warehouse worker: Can you fax this document to a P.O. box for me?
Shipping clerk: Usually I would "fax" this to a P.O. Box for you [Gina], but my fax machine is down right now. So maybe you should "buy" a stamp and use the Postal Service for this one!
Warehouse worker: Oh, okay, thanks for the help. Where do we keep the
stamps and who works in the Postal Service?
495 3rd Street
Pineville, Louisiana
Overheard by: Lesn N. Tothem
4PM It's Almost Here
Messenger: I hope that you and your tits have a nice weekend.
1430 Broadway
New York, NY
8AM Pope Cliff XVI
Coworker: Wait...John Ratzenberger?
430 Main Avenue
Norwalk, Connecticut
Maintenance guy: They shoulda had a Puerto Rican pope. Barbecue every weekend!
335 East 45th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Palaverist
10AM She Found Ways to Entertain Herself on Her Last Day at Work
Customer #1: Does the brownie pie have nuts on it?
Waitress: No.
Customer #2: Why do you want to know if it has nuts on it?
Customer #1: Because I don't like nuts on my dessert.
Waitress: Do you like nuts on your chin?
Parkland Plaza
Cayce, South Carolina
Overheard by: Trying not to choke