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February 2012 Archives
5PM ...His Hot, Flaky Biscuit
Female coworker to male coworker: He wants to taunt you with his biscuit.
Raleigh, North Carolina
4PM Metric?
Attorney to another: Yeah, we don't have that in America. It's just in places that used to be under British rule.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Not a British American
3PM Shall I Switch to "When a Maaaan Lubes a Wooomaaan"?
Singing coworker: I feel shitty! Oh so shitty!
Coworker who shares office wall: I don't think that's how it goes.
Bakersfield, California
2PM That's What You Said About the Fire Alarm!
HR, in response to ringtone coming from another cube: I think it's nice it makes me want to hustle... or... film a porno.
Marlborough, Massachusetts
1PM Pretty Fly for a White Hound
Marketing assistant: If I had a dog that small I'd build him a parachute and see if he could fly.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Innocent bystander
11AM Bitch Stole My Insult!
Coworker #1: You know why you got this job, right?
Coworker #2: Cause I got big knockers, and an ass that won't quit?
Irvine, California
10AM When ISO 9000 Goes Too Far
Manager: Hey! How did the restroom go yesterday?
Middleboro, Massachusetts
Overheard by: MC
9AM We Had Five, but We Returned One
Sales manager: I don't think we can work with this guy.
Director: It was like 30 years ago, right?
Sales manager: Come on, he beat a two-year-old kid to death!
Director: Unforgivable, I know. But you don't have kids, so you don't understand. I have four kids. There are times that I totally see how that might be a reasonable thing to do.
Fort Mill, South Carolina
10AM Have you tried a ladder?
Male receptionist: I've been trying to get this pen in the ceiling for so long, but I just can't.
Manhattan, New York
9AM Her Winter Vocabulary's in the Back of the Closet
Office clerk: My nails grow all the time in summer, but in winter they're like... What's that word? Oh, yeah: "frozen."
St. George's Terrace
Australia
Overheard by: Krystle
5PM Oh, Nothing... A Little Anal Rape or Whatever
Patient, lying on exam table in the middle of a gynecological exam: Hey, is that my phone ringing?
Nurse: Uh, I think so.
Patient: Hand me my pants.
(nurse hands patient her pants)
Patient, taking cell out of pants: Hello? (pause) Oh, nothing... What are you up to?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Vicky
4PM It's such a drag when My victims are ready and waiting
30-something woman: Hehehe, so why are you sneaking out the back way?
30-something man: People are too nosey. I like to stay under the radar; hone my ninja skills.
30-something woman: You are way too wacko.
30-soemthing man: The good part is, when I kick your ass, you won't have seen it coming.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
3PM I've been wearing leather ones for ages
Supervisor on cell with husband: Yes, telling them that the bra in your closet came from someone in the wedding party was a good coverup. Everyone knows that isn't MY bra.
Kinder, Louisiana
2PM My Cup Already Runneth Over, You Know?
Admin assistant to coworker after boss walks past: Excessive boobage isn't on my to-do list today...
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: at least they're perky
1PM So I Only Bought a Couple
Office lady: Well, sure I've purchased meat off the back of a truck, but these guys were selling lobsters! That's just weird.
Burlington, Massachusetts
11AM Every Girl's Crazy 'bout a Sharpie Dressed Man
Admin to IT: I had to sharpie out my private parts.
Portland, Oregon
10AM Nobody Likes Your Macadamia-Than-Thou Attitude, Patsy
Salesgirl: Nobody likes nuts in their face!
Overland Park, Kansas
9AM Isn't It Wonderful How Women Listen to Each Other?
Office harpy #1: Oxygen is really, really important. Like, you really can't do without it.
Office harpy #2: I know! Have you heard of beta blockers? They fix your high blood pressure. I called my doctor and I was like "I need a beta blocker!
White Marsh, Maryland
5PM Or We Could Stop by Rite Aid for Some Gold Bond
Office lady #1, watching car accident outside: The car's on its side.
Office lady #2: Has the fire truck come yet? I can't see.
Office lady #3: Where are the hottie firemen?
Office lady #1: Firemen are always so cute.
Office lady #3: Who's gonna put out the fire in my pants?
Office lady #4: Call 911.
Burbank, California
4PM Um, Why Does It Smell Like Hand Lotion?
Coworker, describing document submitted to him: It's like a technical description of masturbation, without the finish.
Washington, DC
3PM Why the Wicked Witch Of the East Really Got Clipped.
Coworker #1: Her shoes are so loud! They're annoying the crap out of me.
Coworker #2: Everything attached to those shoes annoys me.
Springfield, Massachusetts
2PM So Please Silence Those Cell Phones and Clean Up After Yourself
Meeting host: I have to leave early, so I want to thank you for coming prematurely.
Boulder, Colorado
1PM Back Before the WC Stalls Had Doors
Manager: You've seen me fiddling with it, right?
Underling: Only once.
Stratford
England
11AM Double-Entry Bookkeeping Can Get Ugly
Accountant: After pushing really hard and screwing with it for five minutes, I asked Sue* if I could cuss now. So, I went up to Liz* and asked "did you get your fucking nuts?"
Admin: Did she?
Accountant: Yes, Tim* pulled them out with his man hands.
Dallas, Texas
10AM ...And That's What I Aim to Change, As the New Office Manager.
Boss, about recent meeting: I don't think anybody has anybody else by the balls.
Las Colinas, Texas
9AM ...I Keep Getting Distracted by My After-Work Plans.
Office lady: And then you can check your code changes into the suppository.
Manager: "suppository?"
Office lady, after blinking for a few seconds: Oh god, repository. (pause) The repository. Ugh.
Los Angeles, California
5PM Consultant Etiquette Requires Informing the Old Host Before the Parasite Attaches Itself to a New Victim
Male sales consultant to male sales manager: Okay, Bob*, Wednesday I'm off of you and on him.
Poway, California
Overheard by: tobeylee
4PM ...When You Were Out Of Town
Coworker on phone to new husband: I put the washing in this morning... Yeah, the towels... Yeah, your gym kit... I also put the bedsheets in, as they were a bit spunky after the other night.
Durham
England
Overheard by: *Head in Hands*
3PM When Ben Was Caught Repeatedly Googling "Cock"
Engineer: It's okay. It's chickens.
Denver, Colorado
2PM Pretty Woman II Was a Real Snooze
Female coworker to male coworkers: The whore game has changed. You don't always have to do shit now.
Raleigh, North Carolina
1PM In Unrelated News, the Federal Bank Examiners Are in the Lobby
Male coworker: I have all these tricks, I don't know where they come from.
Raleigh, North Carolina
11AM Of a Potato-related Emergency?
Coworker, arriving to office: I brought a potato just in case.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Colleen Morgan
10AM Whereas I'll Just Keep Eating Big Macs and Having Triple Bypasses Like a Civilized Person.
Coworker #1: I'd rather die than go to the doctor.
Coworker #2: Then you'll probably get your wish.
Redding, California
9AM In That Reality Has No Undo Button
Database manager: Time travel is not a feature!
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Arcblade
5PM If he could impregnate you electronically, he would have.
Indian man on voice mail: Hello, my name is Joe*. I am calling for my friend Alan Warren*. This is for Susan*. Please give Alan a call. He would like you to be the mother of his children.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Is That Tami*?
Director: Holy shit, come look at this.
Sales manager: Is it that weird animal porn you keep talking about?
Director: What?
Sales manager: Nothing, I'm kidding, what is it?
Director: I'm trying to get to a government website and this keeps happening...
Sales manager: What the fuck? Is that actually animal porn?
Director: This pretty much ruined my day and I wanted to share it with you.
Sales manager: Is that a fucking doberman?
Director, to the rest of the office: Do not go to this website. You cannot un-see this shit!
Fort Mill, South Carolina
3PM And I Hate Kelly
Delivery man: Would you sign for this, ma'am?
Office worker #1: Call Kelly and ask her to come down here and sign for it. It's her order.
Office worker #2: Why don't you just sign for it?
Office worker #1: My hands are busy.
Bainbridge Island, Washington
2PM The Dinosaurs Were Catholics, You Know
Office drone: Wow! My boss is angrier than a t-rex that just realized it can't masturbate!
Nashville, Tennessee
1PM In the Meantime, Fetch Me My Ten-Foot Pole.
Sales rep, in the middle of staff meeting: I am recycling my list to make sure I touch everyone.
Shrewsbury, Pennsylvania
11AM I Have Several Lovely Tall Buildings I Could Recommend to You...
Applications processor: Well, there are rules, like we won't pay if you kill yourself within the first two years of your policy. But after that you gotta do what ya gotta do.
Virginia
Overheard by: if you're suicidal, hopefully you have great willpower
10AM ...By Relabeling Them "Escorts"
COO: And the first thing I did was get rid of all the prostitutes.
Newton Centre, Massachusetts
9AM For Their Adorable Little Death Battles
Female coworker: It's a baby knife.
Perplexed male coworker: It's a paring knife.
Female coworker: No, it's a baby knife. For little babies!!
Chico, California
5PM Well, what about a pencil?
Worker on phone: Team Alpha*.
Client: I'm calling about my emergency assistance.
Worker: You would need to talk to the Emergency Assistance team about that, would you like the phone number?
Client: Yeah, do you have a pen?
Worker: Yes.
Client: Oh, yeah, that's not gonna work, is it?
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM IT People Are Heartless, Not Cruel
Coworker, in response to request for user study participants: Have we figured out who it was that was crying at her desk when she was using the system? She may be a good person to add.
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Best. Career Advice. Ever.
Female vegetarian coworker to male office executive at lunch pizza party: Keep your sausages to yourself!
Salt Lake City, Utah
2PM Pop-Tarts: Explained
Senior VP of administration: Is it weird that I don't like to see my own poo.
VP of operations: Wrap it in tin foil. That's what I do.
Assistant to VP of operations: Put it in the toaster.
Los Angeles, California
1PM Which, Granted, Is Kinda Hot
Woman cube dweller: How many cups of coffee have you had already? It's only 9 am!
Man cube dweller: Not sure... probably the equivalency of five or six, but I'm not real sure because once the cup is half empty I go and fill it again... Why... Why... Why?
Woman cube dweller: Because you're racing...
Man cube dweller: Yeah, not gonna lie starting to get the shakes a bit, and am tweaking...
Woman cube dweller: Yeah, you're about to tweak all over your pants.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Dom
11AM Apparently Northern California, Too.
Cubicle dweller: It's well known that southern California seeks to use the backdoor as much as possible.
Overland Park, Kansas
10AM That's What You Said About "Who Let the Dogs Out?"!
Coworker #1: No harm, no foul.
Coworker #2: I've never heard that expression... Is it from basketball?
Coworker #3: It's Shakespeare!
Law Library
Ann Arbor, Michigan
9AM I'm Starting to Feel Underemployed, Here
Security guard: Brain massage.
Cop: Brain massage? That works?
Security guard: Oh yeah, totally.
Manhattan, New York
5PM Rather Re-Vealing
Employee reading e-mail out loud: At least you are constantly changing your meat. (pause) Oh lord, did I say that out loud?
Itasca, Illinois
Overheard by: You sure did!
4PM Are You Trying to Sell Me Avon Again?
Coworker to another: You remember how we had that problem where all of our cancer patients looked like they were dying?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
3PM Their Facebook Status Is "In a Series Of Transactional Relationships"
Director: We need clients that are above sucking dick for coke. If they'll suck dick for coke, they'll definitely try to steal from us.
Fort Mill, South Carolina
2PM Actually, No One; I'm Just Here for the Bud Light
Rep #1: You'd think they'd put them away in the winter time.
Rep #2: Put what away?
Rep #1: Those.
Rep #2: The Ferris wheels?
Rep #1: Yeah, so they don't get all wet and snowed on.
Rep #2: Okay, where would you want to put them?
Rep #1, exasperated: I don't know; a garage?
Rep #2: Who the hell hired you?
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM Monkeys Use 3-Ring Binders
Coworker #1: Do you know what sets us apart from all other human species?
Coworker #2: Ah... what is that?
Coworker #1: Paper clips. See this paper clip in my hand. Monkey's don't have these.
Twin Cities, Minnesota
11AM That Would Be Foreplay
Coworker #1: That guy is a real butt-licker!
Coworker #2: He's a what?
Coworker #1: You know, a butt-licker. He's always sucking up to management.
Coworker #2: Do you mean brown noser?
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM At Least They Can Joke about that Freak Hands-In-The-Lawnmower Accident Now
Nurse: Lou* probably had to use both hands to count inventory on Saturday, huh?
Attendant: Yeah--wouldn't have been so bad, but his idea of using both hands to count means: "one" (holds one hand up) and "two." (holds other hand up)
Dallas, Texas
9AM Wait, isn't this the bakery?
CSR: Thank you for calling Large Corporate Office Supplies. This is Andie*. How may I help you? (pause) Uh-huh. It's a box of a dozen. (long pause) Pardon? (pause) No, ma'am. It's a regular dozen so just the 12 pencils in the box. You're welcome. (takes off headset) I need Vallium!
Rosebery
Australia
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