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August 2010 Archives
5PM That's What You Said About the Middle Kid in Hanson!
Coworker, on phone, very authoritatively: No! The green m&m is the only woman! Nooooo!
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: There's a wealth of information in my office
4PM Ooo, It's My First Boyfriend!
IT worker: I might not know exactly how to do it, but if you want it pounded in quick and dirty, I am your man.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: ZPB
3PM You Keep Convincing Yourself Of That, Mr. Hefner.
Boss to underling: We'll see it harden up when people use it.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
2PM Then Explain Marcia Cross, Smart Guy.
Employee #1: What would you be? A zombie or a zombie hunter?
Employee #2: I think I'd just be a victim.
Employee #1: A vampire?
Employee #3, derisively: Vampires aren't real.
Chico, California
Overheard by: Dinah
1PM ...What's a "Quote"?
College-educated marketing coordinator: Do you know what he's asking for?
Designer: He wants you to get a quote to print the postcards.
College-educated marketing coordinator: I know, but what does "two comma one hundred" mean?
Designer: He wants a quote on two-thousand, one hundred postcards.
College-educated marketing coordinator: Oh.
Pennsylvania
2PM Latte Sleepers. Duh.
Old German woman: Do you have any coffee grinders?
Starbucks barista: No, we don't sell them here.
Old German woman: Do you know where I could find one?
Starbucks barista: Well, you could try another Starbucks, or Bed Bath & Beyond.
Old German woman: How illogical! Who would want to grind coffee in bed?!
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: it be beyond
1PM That Homing Device Really Did the Trick!
Female drone: Would you give that to me now, please? I really need it.
Male drone: I already did it; look again.
Female drone: Oh! Oh! There it is! It went straight into my junk!
Eldersburg, Maryland
Overheard by: irrelevant
11AM ...By Abducting Them at Knifepoint.
Employee: She owed $1,000 for her electric bill and somehow paid it. I asked her how she pulled it off, and all she would say is "we have our ways." I assume it was something illegal.
Supervisor: Well... How illegal are we talking here? If it's a felony, never mind; but if it's just misdemeanor stuff, maybe we can get other people on the wagon.
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Should probably leave legal advice to the experts...
10AM Most Meetings Leave Everyone Unsatisfied
Coworker in impromptu meeting between cubicles: I don't mind being yanked, as long as the yanking continues until it's done.
Chattanooga, Tennessee
9AM Why Few People Use Letter-Openers Anymore
Salesman to screaming manager: What happened?
Manager: I just castrated myself!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Not Soon Enough
5PM Computers Look You Right in the Eye and Lie
Admin #1: The new software says " loading."
Admin #2: Oh. What does that mean?
Admin #1: It means it's not loading.
Orlando, Florida
4PM Are You Breaking Up with Me??
Boss to underling: I'd better go take my banana skin elsewhere.
Bakersfield, California
3PM Not a Good One
Accountant: I'm anti math.
Intern: Aren't you an accountant?
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: Meg
2PM Liza Minnelli Lights Up the Stage in Victor/Valtrex
50-something lady on the phone: Do you want a sexual relationship or not? I thought that's what you wanted. (pause) I thought that's what you wanted! (pause) Yes, Victor, I've been taking my medicine. I've been taking my medicine on the same schedule every day!
Evansville, Indiana
1PM Um, Actually...
Worker: It's not sexual harassment if it's implied.
Orange County, California
Overheard by: Kristina
11AM ...Or Am I Thinking Of 2012?
Locksmith: Yeah, you gotta read "1994." Orson Welles. Really knows his stuff. Everything he wrote in that book is happening right now. You gotta read it.
Sherman Oaks, California
Overheard by: Ja'mie
10AM The Subtext Of Every BP Press Conference
Female cube rat #1: I got gasoline panties and I'm going to hell. Hahahahaha!
Female cube rat #2: Gasoline panties? What?
Female cube rat #1: Gasoline panties! And I'm burning in hell! Hehehe!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
9AM I Do the Checking-out Here, Sir
Older gentleman with thick Slavic accent, leaning over counter towards male cashier: Oh, those are niiice pants.
Cashier, cheeks reddening: Um, excuse me?
Older gentleman: I don't speak English so good. I am European. Your trousers, they are good. How much?
Wal-Mart
Mountain View, California
Overheard by: lith
5PM Did Dan Brown Finally Find the Body?
Office mole #1: Guess who's not coming to your birthday?
Office mole #2: Jesus Christ?
Parksville
Canadia
Overheard by: Unfortunate bystander
4PM ...But First I'd Like Everyone to Come Take a Good Long Look at It.
Employee, about data extract: Wow! You know, this is kinda big.
Manager: Oh? Just put it in the share drive.
Employee: I think I'll just zip it up before I give it to you.
Manager: What?
Employee yelling: I said I don't think you'll want it, because it's too big to give to you, so I'll have to zip it back up.
Walnut Creek, California
3PM I Paid Extra for That, Too
Coworker to colleague, after phone call: I don't like that ring tone, it just sounds like a woman is breathing down my trousers...
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Mr. Blackwell
2PM Yes, but I Assumed You Supported a Woman's Right to Chews.
Loud colleague to coworkers: Did you eat my teeth?
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: confused but amused
1PM I'll Bet He's Got an Incredibly Tasty Brain
CSR: And my four-year-old was over at the church petting zoo telling the volunteers the graveyard was full of zombies that will eat everyone's brains.
Manager: You have a cool kid.
Burnsville, Minnesota
Overheard by: Smoking Break
11AM ...Who Says I'm Not Management Material?
Cubicle dweller to another: We should have carpooled in together today so that you could drive me home drunk.
Dallas, Texas
10AM I'm Guessing It's Either Larry, Moe, or Curly-- But Which One?
Office hoochie on cell: You need to call him and find out who is the source of all the knuckleheadedness.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
9AM Uptown Girls Rarely Come Downtown
Male middle manager on phone: You did it? (pause) You came!
Lower Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: badTiming...
5PM ...But Why Am I Telling This to a Purple Stegosaurus?
Detective #1, walking away from meeting with chief: Man,where do you come up with some of this shit?
Detective #2: There were a couple summers in the 70s when I thought LSD was a vitamin.
Manhattan, New York
4PM ...I'll Probably Need a Short Nap to Recover.
Manager, finishing excruciatingly long presentation: Wow, I just way overblew my load!
Renton, Washington
3PM Best. Job. Ever!
Employee, moving into new office holding up jar of green seeds: Is this marijuana?
Vienna, Virginia
2PM Your Editors Are Now Conducting Interviews
Office lady to another: I don't care if he's married. I would make a great step wife. Wait, is that even a thing? A step wife?
Chicago, Illinois
1PM All Of Pinocchio's Girlfriends Feel This Way.
Ex-Raiders cheerleader boss: Ugh! I can't stand the taste! It's like licking wood.
Burbank, California
11AM ...Insider Trading Is Illegal.
Office dude to another: Get out of me!
Waco, Texas
10AM ...How's Your Squash Game These Days?...What??
Boss: That guy was a stud. And he liked it. He enjoyed it. And I was in pain for days!
Louisiana
Overheard by: That's not right
9AM ...And Do You Think You Could Get Me John Leguizamo's Autograph?
CSR, on customer welcome call: Is your last name Valdez?
Customer: Yes, it is.
CSR, on customer welcome call: Is your father Juan Valdez? You can say you have a famous father!
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: Mortgage Whisperer
5PM ...Also, You Just Said "Hard Data." Hee!
Office worker #1: But we don't have any hard data for that.
Office worker #2: Don't worry, we'll just make up some numbers for the presentation.
Plano, Texas
4PM Perhaps the Only One in San Francisco
New recruiter: I really am hoping to get that spreadsheet from you so that I can finalize mine.
Contract recruiter: Wow. You're organized.
New recruiter: I am an anal nut.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Matt
3PM ...Even If It Is Your Instinct.
Woman to table mates in lunchroom: There's only so much you can swallow.
Ridge, New York
Overheard by: Pass the Mouthwash
2PM I Think Destiny's Child Gave That Hallmark Card to Beyonce
Coworker to colleague at going away party, unaware that boss is right behind him: I'm sorry you're leaving... but I don't blame you.
Florence, Alabama
Overheard by: glad it wasn't me
1PM Poor Bob Dole.
Lawyer on phone: Well yes, he has a lot of problems... Most pressing of which is that his penis is malfunctioning.
Huntington, New York
Overheard by: Lady Lawyer
11AM At Least, They Say That's Who They Are
Coworker #1: Any family plans for Memorial Day? Do you have kids?
Coworker #2: No, no kids yet...
Coworker #1: Yeah, me neither. I have a bunch of grandkids, though.
Stamford, Connecticut
10AM ...According to A Lady's Guide to Cultural Stereotypes
Female coworker, dancing up to counter: You know, that's the kind of dance move you normally see drag queens use.
Kansas City, Missouri
9AM You Think You Know Shit, but You Don't.
Bathroom patron #1: You're takin' another shit? What are you, sick or something?
Bathroom patron #2: Nah, man, it's healthy. You're supposed to be takin' seven to ten shits a day.
Manhattan, New York
5PM Have You Tried Adding Water?
Cubicle dweller, shouting: It's huge, and then you have to figure out where to put it.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: LaurenJ
4PM Getting to Sleep Is Always a Gamble
CSR to another: I am so tired today... I couldn't sleep last night. First I was waiting to check the Powerball numbers, and then found out I didn't win and have to go back to work today. I was so mad I couldn't fall asleep!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: unleaded
3PM ...Matter Of National Security.
Serious cubicle dweller: I am going to google "num num panda" and get back to you on this...
Waltham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: LP
2PM ...Here in Wisconsin
Office secretary: You would think with all the tourists they get in Hawaii you would see more out-of-state license plates.
West Bend, Wisconsin
1PM ...Ooooh. Hooters.
Lawyer on phone: My understanding is that he works in a restaurant, not a bordello.
Huntington, New York
11AM ...Um, Your Honor?
Lawyer on phone: That's a shit town! (pause) You live in that town?!
Huntington, New York
Overheard by: Lady Lawyer
10AM Why the Burn Unit Exists: Explained.
Accountant: Jumping through fire's not that hard. You just... go over it. You know how, when you wave your hand over a flame, you don't get burned? It's like that, but with your whole body.
Los Angeles, California
9AM How Are Your Interns Working Out?
Old drone #1: Does she have a harness?
Old drone #2: Yeah, but she said she doesn't like to wear those.
Old drone #1: She try one of those choker things?
Old drone #2: I don't know, I'll suggest that to her... she might find it more comfortable.
Delran, New Jersey
Overheard by: Bruce Banner
5PM He Ran Off With a Sonar Girl Who Gave Him the Pinging He'd Always Dreamed Of
Younger waitress: I'm over it now. It was just something that happened in my life.
Older waitress: A blip.
Younger waitress: A year-long blip.
Older waitress: That's a long blip!
Younger waitress: Oh, no. I had a three-year blip once. That's the blip I compare all the other blips to.
Rye, New York
Overheard by: Corinne
4PM ...So He Went Out for a Snack
Secretary on phone: No, James isn't at his desk, I think he's on the pot.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Kay
3PM ...As the Men's Room Wall Clearly States.
Worker #1: Say what you want about me, I get shit fucking done.
Worker #2: Yes, you are an excellent shit fucker.
Boca Raton, Florida
2PM His Business Is Immune to Economic Downturns
Sales manager: What's that picture from?
R&D assistant: It's from our Christmas party.
Sales manager: I've never seen a fat Filipino hitman before.
Los Alamitos, California
Overheard by: Cat
1PM And I Have to Explain It to Congress
Bank teller to customer at drive-through: Sorry, I can't wait on you. I must go home, I've messed myself.
Madisonville, Kentucky
11AM I Brought You Back a Doggy Bag!
Communications manager: Oh, I thought you were going to lunch with Tony.
Straight male IT guy: No, he got tied up and jacked me off instead.
Sex Toy Company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
10AM The Main Criteria for Children's Beauty Pageants
Woman in lobby: I don't like 'em runny. I like 'em nice and stiff.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
9AM If I Didn't Have a Window, We'd Probably All Need Gas Masks
Legal counsel: I normally just crack it when I'm expecting someone.
Madison, Wisconsin
5PM Guess She's Just Too Darned Tired from Running a Multi-billion-dollar Corporation
Older office drone to younger office drone: Look at yourself. You're a mess. I know your wife is pregnant, but does that mean she doesn't know how to iron anymore?
Sleepy Hollow, New York
Overheard by: MSG
4PM You Put It in Your Coffee-- That's What It Is
Cubicle dweller #1: Hey, what is that?
Cubicle dweller #2: Half and half.
Cubicle dweller #1: I can read the label. What is it?
Richmond, Virginia
3PM Because Our Service Sucks
Local cable company exec: Does Dish or Direct TV offer service in our area?
Mesquite, Nevada
2PM Always a Good News/Bad News Proposition
CSR: That reminds me of when my boyfriend sat on my face.
Scarborough
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Cnote
1PM And Now It Is.
Mall employee: Remember, it's only incriminating if it's recorded!
Waldorf, Maryland
Overheard by: Jenna
11AM Put the Ice Cream Down, Dolores.
Ditzy office manager to coworker: I think I just had, what do you call it, a brain hernia...
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: Mister Chief
10AM Joan Jett Has Gotten Far Less Hardcore
Lady desk jockey, loudly: It's time to go potty!
California University
Overheard by: Grossed Out
9AM Now That My Divorce Is Final
Partner: Hello there. Haven't seen you for a while.
Female lawyer: Yeah, you haven't come across me in ages! How did you get away with that?
Partner: It's been on my to-do list.
Sydney
Australia
5PM You're a Good Speaker If Even Half Your Audience Takes Your Advice
Employee #1: So this presentation on customer service was just so stupid! The speaker kept saying that to diffuse tense situations, you should reiterate back to the customer why they're upset to show that you understand their point of view! I totally disagree. I hate when that happens! That's just so dumb.
Employee #2: So if I understand this correctly, Alan*, you think it's a bad idea to summarize why a customer is unhappy and restate that back to them.
Employee #1: Yes, exactly!
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM Garnishing Assholes Seems Like a Very Specific Sexual Fetish
Employee #1 to employee #2: Hey, what's that called when they take your money out and you have no control?
Employee #2: Fucked?
Employee #3: Garnish, you assholes!
Wyandotte, Michigan
Overheard by: Tom
3PM What Else Can You Get in Canadia?
CSR: I'm taking a transvestite hooker over a straight hooker any time.
Scarborough
Ontario
Canadia
2PM This Conversation Could Be the Beginning Of a Beautiful Friendship.
PA #1: I have a thing for military sci-fi.
PA #2: I mean, who doesn't?
(later)
PA #1: Predator is a classic. It's like Casablanca.
Manhattan, New York
1PM Oh Is That Why She Looks That Way?
Female coworker #1: He told me I have astigmatism.
Female coworker #2: Oh my god! I don't even know what astigmatism is.
Female coworker #1: It's what my sister has.
Los Angeles, California
11AM Oh, Like Married People Do?
Office girl: I love Wednesday.
Office guy: It's hump day.
Office girl: I'm single now, I don't get those anymore.
Sydney
Australia
10AM Christianity's Always Been a Scandal
Coworker: I can't go to Easter service anymore. I've discovered I'm allergic to the incest. I mean "incense."
Dallas, Texas
9AM Hey, That Excuse Got Me Extra Time on My SATs!
Parts store clerk #1 to parts store clerk #2: I don't know about taking this test. These words they use, I don't know where they get these words from. Maybe it's just me, cause I'm from the South.
Customer, chuckling: Them can't be real words, can they?
Parts clerk #1: No.
Parts clerk #2: You're just way too country to take that test.
Decatur, Tennessee
5PM I Come to Work So I Don't Have to Think About Sex
Sales to admin: Size doesn't matter. I've got a video you should watch. It'll teach you step by step how to do it right. It'll be great for both parties. She'll be begging for it.
Herndon, Virginia
Overheard by: Nate
4PM People Who Talk for a Living Have to Warm Up Before Work
Peon: Don't get stoned with two birds in one throw. (pause) Wait...
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM You Can with a Lock Pick and a Black Ski Mask!
Attorney: It's already been filed with the court! It has a file-mark on it. You can't un-file something!
Austin, Texas
2PM This Is a Fabric Store, Ma'am.
Receptionist to coworker: I have the hiccups, so I need some medical advice.
Madison, Wisconsin
1PM Ah, the Roman Polanski Option.
Boss: Have triplets at once, get it over and done with.
Accountant: I'll have my kids one at a time, thanks.
Wellington
New Zealand
11AM Career Tip: Don't Call in Sick in the Middle Of a Crisis, Dear Reader
Exasperated boss on phone: Well that's great, Jake. Maybe I should go downstairs and slam my head in the car door a few times.
Huntington, New York
Overheard by: Lady Lawyer
10AM Drawing a Weapon Seems to Upset People
Guest to another, leaving hotel: Just keep popping off like that, and you too can be divorced!
Okmulgee, Oklahoma
9AM ...Unlike Last Week's Eclair Saga.
Coworker #1: Let me tell you my big cannoli story! (coworker #2 giggles) No, it's not dirty.
Government Office
Washington, DC
5PM I Blame Those Girls from Jersey Shore
Boss: There is chocolate over here. Someone brought in chocolate.
Underling: What? What kind? From where?
Boss: It's Perugina, from Italy, my favorite.
Underling: Oh, no thanks. I don't eat anything that ends in -gina.
Baltimore, Maryland
4PM Isn't This a Passage in the Bible?
Programmer #1: But I'd have a justified reason to kill you.
Programmer #2: Huh?
Programmer #1: You punched a kitten.
Adelaide
Australia
3PM ...Who Reacts to the Movie Babe That Way??
Wife: Did you get my text about the nasty whore pig?
Husband: Yes, I got the text about the nasty whore pig, what exactly is wrong with you?
Wyandotte, Michigan
Overheard by: Trish
2PM I'm Looking Extra Perky Today, If You Follow Me
Office hoochie #1: Ow! It's cold in here today.
Office hoochie #2: Yeah, and where you sit, you get blowed from there, there, and there (points to ceiling)
Office hoochie #1: Yeah, I get blowed from all directions!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Getting in line!
1PM ...While on the Trampoline.
Front desk clerk to another, about smoking during second pregnancy: Well, at least with this one, I am not drinking.
Williamsburg, Virginia
11AM ...Now Who's Up for Brownies??
Woman to boss: So then my friend's brother had to "poop out" the pinworm.
Washington, DC
10AM Unless the Vampire Was Tom Cruise
Coworker to another: If faced with the possibility of vampire sex, I would definitely risk it.
Manhattan, New York
9AM Then We Go Shoe Shopping Together
Female coworker: Yeah, so I make fun of his manhood.
Male coworker: You make fun of his junk?
Female coworker: No, I tell him he's not a man.
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM Ohio Provides Ample Evidence That There Is No Untroubled Paradise
Boss: At least we aren't in Tahiti!
Marketing guy: Tahiti?
Boss: Yeah, I heard they had a bad storm there.
Marketing guy: I didn't hear about that.
Boss: Oh... I think it was an earthquake actually.
Marketing guy: Uh-huh. You mean Haiti?
Boss: Yeah, that's it. An earthquake in Haiti.
Beachwood, Ohio
Overheard by: ~The Cleveland Kid
4PM Do You Want Me to Show You the Right Way to Hold a Baby?
Office drone: See, when I tucked it in my boot it was fine... But when I tucked it in my pants, it just popped out.
Brampton
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
3PM I Should Donate Some Of My Drinking Money
College student: The top concern on my mind right now is the hurricane that hit Haiti.
Vermillion, South Dakota
2PM Who's Doing the Sexual Harassing Here? Show Your Work.
Female nurse, about new netbook: I guess I have to take this little pink thing home and test it out.
Male office manager: Can I watch?
Twin Falls, Idaho
Overheard by: jaekar99
1PM Guess We've All Had a Busy Morning
Office manger: I've got a blue hand, I've been playing in the salt.
Coworker #1: I've got a black hand, I was playing in dirt.
Coworker #2: I've got a brown hand...
Beckley, West Virginia
Overheard by: da cook
11AM ...Taunting All the Customers with My Designer Clothing.
Male cubicle rat, about lottery: I think it's up to around $80 million.
Female cubicle rat: I'd be spending a lot of time at Wal-Mart!
Waco, Texas
10AM Female Conspiracy Theorists Are Truly a Unique Breed
Pregnant coworker: Our workplace discriminates against women, because it sets the air conditioning too cold!
Sydney
Australia
9AM Isn't That a Cyndi Lauper Song?
Office girl #1: She's in heat, so she's all swollen, and Bostons get gross swollen.
Boss: That's probably why she was running around town.
Office girl #2: I thought it was only males that run off when they're horny?
Boss: Nah, girls are whores, too.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: freudian flip
5PM No Tongues at Work, Guys
Boss to underling: That's a man hug right there. That's a nipple bump!
Manhattan, New York
4PM ...Unless There's a Gun in Your Pocket.
Postal worker: Alright, "express" means this package is guaranteed to arrive by 3 pm tomorrow.
Customer: Is that free?
Postal worker: Ain't nothing free, ma'am. Ain't nothing free. $18.74, ma'am. Dig deep, now. Dig deep.
Post Office
Beaufort, South Carolina
Overheard by: Connie
3PM If You Think This Is About Sex, You Don't Know Enough Middle-Aged Middle-Class People
Voice #1 over cubicle wall: It's white, but it turns pink when it's wet.
Voice #2: Yeah, but when you let the sun shine on it, you never know.
Greenville, Texas
2PM Seriously, How Does Anyone Learn English?
Male coworker: Your mom.
Female coworker #1: Leave that whore outta this.
Female coworker #2: Whoah, did she just say...?
Female coworker #1: Yes, I did.
Boss: The "h" word?
Female coworker #1: Actually, it's the "w" word.
Plainsboro, New Jersey
1PM Thanks to Random Drug Screens
Manager to salesperson: Why didn't you just go through the front door in the office?
Salesperson: Cause I'm a backdoor kinda guy!
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
11AM Tell Him It's 4:20 So He Can Go Take a Break
Cube dweller #1: Man, my daughter got the worst ear infection last night and wouldn't stop screaming.
Cube dweller #2: Wow, that's horrible, what did you do?
Cube dweller #1: My wife wanted me to take her to the emergency room but I said, "are you crazy? I just smoked three bowls and am buzzing hard!"
Cube dweller #3: Someone please make him stop.
West Palm Beach, Florida
10AM My First Step Is Cultivating the Hair...
Guy in conference room, setting up for presentation: I am mad, just trying to figure out if the scientist part is fair.
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM Should I Worry That All the Jewish Employees Got Jobs Elsewhere?
Salesman on phone: No, no: it's a merger, not a takeover. It's kind of like when Germany merged with Poland in World War II.
New Albany, Ohio
Overheard by: I can't tell if he's joking or not
5PM How Else Can I Make a Mushroom Cloud Omelette?
Shop worker: We assure you ma'am, none of our products contain any form of radioactive waste.
Customer: Well, I won't buy any then!
Tesco
South Wales
Overheard by: Wait, what?
4PM Your Editors Have Given Up Trying to Understand Kansas
Director: My weekend sucked... How was yours?
Minion: Great! I woke up Saturday morning with peanut butter on my face. Still can't figure that one out.
Boss, laughing: Did you have patches of hair missing too? I've heard that's bad.
Minion: No, that was my dog.
Lenexa, Kansas
Overheard by: I don't want to work with here anymore
3PM I Think I've Been to That Fetish Party.
Coworker #1: Nah, man, I can't afford a whole case of beer.
Coworker #2: Then get a bottle of mad dog and a couple of hits of acid.
Coworker #1: Can you imagine changing a dirty diaper drunk and on acid?
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: I can't imagine changing diapers sober...
2PM Isn't That the Point When You Consult a Doctor?
Coworker on phone with husband: Be careful with that thing. Once you get it up you can't get it back down.
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
1PM G-Rated Obscene Phone Calls Are Surprisingly Popular in New York
Woman on phone, taking notes: Okay, peace on earth. Peace on earth. Okay... Okay, perfect. Very simple, I like that a lot.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Rose Fox
11AM ...Doesn't This Mean They'll Kick You Out?
Boss, during sales meeting: I'm still trying to hire a new salesperson. Actually, Mark* was the best candidate, based on Monica's* recommendation, but he couldn't accept the job. And that happens. So, Monica*, you don't need to feel guilty about wasting anyone's time. Although I don't think you do feel guilty, which is really weird because you're Jewish.
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM How Natural Selection Works
Office worker #1: Hey, you can eat the wrapper of this gum!
Office worker #2: No, you can't... How do you know?
Office worker #3: Yeah, you can't. I just tried it.
Springfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Allison
9AM ...Only Vivid Descriptions Of Weeping
Assistant: No weeping! There's no weeping allowed in publishing!
Baltimore, Maryland
5PM Every Anne Hathaway Movie, in Reverse.
Female coworker: Molly*, you look so cute! What did you do?
Molly*: Nothing...
Female coworker: Oh, it must be because you're not wearing your glasses.
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Cute with or without glasses
4PM Wow, You Really Get Me.
Macho supervisor: Yeah, she had that kind of short lesbo hair. I don't like that. Ya know what I mean?
Short-haired female cube dweller: We get it. You can't keep a woman you can't grab by the hair.
Belleville, Michigan
Overheard by: noe
3PM I've Decided to Embrace the Squalor in Which I Labor
Cube rat: Yeah, I feel like honey mustard curtains today!
Baltimore, Maryland
2PM The TheraFlu Commercial That Was Banned in Louisiana
Customer: I need the cold and flu meds that I have to be logged into a data base for.
Pharmacist: Well, can you tell me your symptoms?
Customer: Well, I'm sore and my head... it's like my whole head is just like... like someone sat on my face... but not in a good way.
(pharmacist gives deadpan face and goes to get meds)
Customer: You know, like a big fat person sat on my face... head. Do you take debit?
Mandeville, Louisiana
Overheard by: ShiftSuper2theSTARS
1PM ...Hold On, Let Me Connect You to Her Voicemail.
Coworker, on cell: I'm sorry, she's passed away. (pause) She's passed away. (pause) She's dead.
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM Let's Be Grateful There's Still a Middle Class for Us to Join
Underling to another: As someone who owns not one but two pairs of Dale Earnhardt pajama pants, I am in no position to criticize you for growing up in a trailer park.
Washington, DC
10AM Jim Perdue Generates a Lot Of Sexual Harassment Claims
Weightlifting coworker, during lunch: On a two breast day it's not enough, but on a six breast day...
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Kirstoona
9AM Wasn't That Your Wife? *Rimshot!*
Female CSR: I'd throw something at you, but all I have on my desk is a stapler and a scone. I'm not gonna throw the stapler 'cause I don't want to injure you and the scone is just out of the question.
Male CSR #1: Yeah, that's why I confiscate stuff.
Male CSR #2: Yeah, he took my balls.
San Diego, California
5PM ...With Dreams Of Having a Glamorous Gay Lifestyle
40-something owner: I was working with my horse this weekend but he was being difficult. He was acting like a faggot!
Gay employee: Excuse me! I find that extremely offensive!
40-something owner: Well, you know what I mean. "Faggot" is what my friends and I used to call each other when we were kids.
Southern California
Overheard by: Could have been anybody...
4PM ...Now That I've Aired My Grievances.
Guy on cell in handicapped bathroom stall: No, now listen to me. No, you listen to me, man!
(loud, long, echoing fart) Hey, man, listen. How about I call you back? Yeah. Okay.
Richmond, Virginia
3PM Yeah-- Michael Is My Slave Name
Older front desk agent to newer one: Hey, Michael, is your name Peter?
Hotel
Las Vegas, Nevada
2PM ...Last Time You Made That Request, We Woke Up in Tiajuana.
Director: Make me happy.
Systems administrator: Okay.
Director: Make me happy, but for under a hundred dollars.
Systems administrator: I'm walking away now.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Allison
1PM I Do Have a PhD in It, After All.
Program manager: Would you let me mess with his head for just two minutes?
Hill Air Force Base
Utah
Overheard by: Snickering Intern
11AM How Did He Even Find Me?
HR receptionist: Ginny called and was looking for you earlier.
HR director: Oh shit! (pause) Oh shit!
HR receptionist: What!? What's wrong?
HR director: My uncle Jimmy called?! I haven't talked to him in years!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM ...This Is a Work Function and May Not Involve Pleasure Of Any Kind.
Guy introducing guest speaker at conference: Just a reminder: if you have a vibrator or cell phone, please turn it off now.
Richmond, Indiana
9AM Why Anna Nicole Smith Deserved That Money.
Cube monkey: I feel like I can't go to the bathroom by myself anymore.
Chicago, Illinois
5PM I'm Kinda Tired Of Hearing About Your Sex Life.
Engineer #1: I call it a Sloppy Jose.
Engineer #2: Dude... Not cool.
Engineer #1: What? It's spicier.
Burnsville, Minnesota
Overheard by: Kind of Hungry now
4PM The Office Hasn't Been Shaken Up This Much Since Mary Discovered Toaster Strudel!
Employee sitting at lunch table: Dude, this pepper shaker does not fuck around. It is amazing.
Portland, Oregon
3PM Trouble the Metropolitan Ballet Company Never Saw Coming
Coworker: We need to get some white girls at this venue.
Manhattan, New York
2PM If This Makes Sense to You, You've Officially Become Part Of the Machine
Boss in meeting: Let's send out an e-mail to all employees announcing our new employee newsletter before we e-mail it to everyone, because otherwise people won't read it if it just shows up in their in-box.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: overcommunication hurts
1PM :)
Customer service girl: Oh em gee!
Customer service guy: Did you just speak in text message?
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM We Also Would Have Accepted, "I've Found the Lost City Of the Incas!"
Boss to assistant wearing turquoise earrings: Oh, wow, it's like cinco de mayo!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: What do you even say to that
10AM ...As We All Learned During Happy Hour Yesterday.
Boss: You never know which way a frog is going to jump until you punch him.
Spokane, Washington
Overheard by: Nate
9AM Though Sometimes I Do Hollow Them Out and Store My Weed in Them-- Any Questions?
Not-so-smart office girl on phone: They think I read The Enquirer or something. I don't. I read people, I don't read books.
The Woodlands, Texas
Overheard by: hallokitty
5PM Which Explains Why I'm Working Here.
Boss, reading random facts to assistant: A turtle can breathe through its butt!
Assistant: I may not inhale, but I certainly exhale from there.
Coronado, California
4PM In Many Ways, Eve Was Just As Annoying As the Serpent.
Office drone: What does this apple taste like, and is it crunchy?
Tempe, Arizona
3PM Yet You Continue to Eat at Arby's?
Cubicle dweller: Yeah, I never lick envelopes anymore... Not since 9/11.
Providence, Rhode Island
2PM And Jesus Was All "Sorry, I'm Too Busy Encouraging People to Fight Wars in My Name!"
Store manager on phone: And I said, "Lord god, please Jesus, don't let my mama's water be cut off, not with that old man living in that house with her, and he ain't had no bowel movement in three days."
Northport, Alabama
Overheard by: Lisa
1PM If It Explodes, Can We Get Out Early Today?
Coworker: You have a package on your desk.
Stressed-out boss: Is it ticking?
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
11AM ...You Clearly Haven't Seen Me in My Leather-and-Chains Outfit
Manager to gay employee: If you were a man, you'd understand.
Gay employee: Uhhhh... (head tilt)
Calgary
Canadia
Overheard by: silent bystander, slowly backing away
10AM 10% Of the Time Is for Hitting on Customers-- Any Questions?
Boss, explaining new computer system: So, you should be using this screen 60% of the time, and then 30% of the time you use the other.
Gypsy Bar
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: huh
9AM What Isn't It?
Caller: Does your search allow for a wild card?
Presenter: Sure ... Um ... What, exactly, is a wild card?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: dailin dailer
5PM ...You Know, All the Goings-on-ers?
Employee #1: I am very observational.
Employee #2: You mean "observant."
Employee #1: No, I mean I notice everything that goes on in this office.
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Stephanie Wells
4PM Everything Brian Knows About Human Anatomy He Learned from His Ken Doll
Man, coming into office: Do you have superglue in your drawers?
Baltimore, Maryland
3PM As Seen in Crouching Ephram, Hidden Jakob
Coworker #1: These are very vicious rabbis.
Coworker #2: Vicious rabbis?
Coworker #1: Yeah.
Manhattan, New York
2PM Blood!!
Ski instructor: Well, at least it's snowing today. Yesterday we had rain.
First time skier: Oh, so this is snow, is it? Not rain?
Ski instructor: Well, yeah...
First time skier: So what does rain look like up here?
Smiggin Holes
Australia
Overheard by: Emma
1PM How Could a City Be a Lake, Stoopid.
Academic advisor #1: Isn't there some lake in Utah with a lot of salt in it?
Academic advisor #2: Salt... Lake... City?
Des Moines, Iowa
11AM As Opposed to Using Those Darned Carrier Pigeons
Secretary: I waste so much time trying to make it clear and succinct, when on the phone I can just say, "send me this, I need it." Honestly, I kick and scream when I have no other choice but to use the internet!
Cheerful academic, placatingly: Well, it's great for communicating with Rome and London!
Manhattan, New York
10AM Trust Me-- I Used to Be One.
Web guy: I think it'd be better to just give them some instructions, like, "click this, then that, and..."
Communications guy, interrupting: Reporters are lazy and dumb. And that's being charitable.
Manhattan, New York
9AM I Knew This Tiara Was a Bad Idea.
Engineer to operations guy: You're all evil in this department. (points at administrative assistant) Especially you, you're the leader.
Administrative assistant: What?
Manhattan, New York
5PM The One You Have to Crank Is Way Too Much Work
Female coworker: Okay, so I have an electric one and I have one that runs on batteries. I think I'm taking the one that runs on batteries.
Clearwater, Florida
4PM You Mean Luigi from Human Resources?
Coworker #1: Anyone want to go out to lunch with me? I'm so hungry.
Coworker #2: I can't, I brought Indian for lunch today.
Coworker #1: Man, I am so hungry I would eat an Indian right now.
Coworker #2: Do you think they taste like curry?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: Curry. You know, because they eat so much of it. Wouldn't it be ironic if they tasted like cow? Ganesh would not like that.
Coworker #1: I'm going to go get pizza.
Seattle, Washington
3PM ...Not As Drunk As I Am Now, but Close.
Coworker #1: I got the hiccups from eating a pretzel the last time I was at a Pacers game.
Coworker #2: You got the hiccups from eating a pretzel?
Coworker #1: Yeah, all that bread... and I was drunk.
Indianapolis, Indiana
2PM Chivalrous or Sexist? Discuss.
65-something delivery man to 30-something female receptionist, as she bends over to lift printer:
Oh, wait, let me do that. I don't want you to hurt your ovaries.
Denver, Colorado
1PM ...So My Husband Is No Longer a Teacher.
Woman on phone: He saw some pornography on the internet and went to school and touched some girl and got in a lot of trouble.
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: your D.A.D.
11AM Not What Men Like to Think Of When They Envision Women's Slumber Parties
Female night watch staff to others: And that one girl that keeps farting... Then she fluffs her blankets; it's so gross!
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Quit pretending your grossed out by it
10AM When Mythological Deities Have Board Meetings
Male coworker to cube farm: Wow! This fireball is hot, I'm going to have to walk this one off.
Rockville, Maryland
9AM What Acid Flashbacks Are Like for the Man in the Yellow Hat
EVP at copier, yawning: Ohhhhh... Monkey. (walks away)
Marlborough, Massachusetts
5PM Why Do Guys Always Cross Their Legs When I Say That?
Office guy: Why are you walking like that?
Office girl: I worked out on Saturday and my calves are like little balls of pain.
Orlando, Florida
4PM Best Variant Of "Duck Duck Goose" Ever
Coworker on cell: Hand. Hand. Balls, boobs... Smudge. What?
University of Illinois
Chicago, Illinois
3PM ...Didn't You Notice the Bracelet?
Young male coworker: Do remember that time you ran around naked?
Younger female coworker: I wasn't naked, I just didn't have any clothes on.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
2PM Should We Pick Up Some Prostitutes Later and Practice Abstinence?
Smoking worker: You know, I haven't even smoked today yet!
Non-smoking worker: Me either.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: thorn
1PM Foxworthy?
Girl hanging up phone: Jeff just called and said to tell you he found it.
Aspen, Colorado
11AM Londoners Set Off a Lot Of False Gaydar
Woman #1 in charity shop: He was in here for a long time, behaving oddly, and the other chap kept coming in and whispering to him and I was worried they were gonna steal something.
Woman #2 in charity shop: So he wasn't?
Woman #1 in charity shop: No, he was having a panic attack and the other one was his carer.
Woman #2 in charity shop: What was wrong with him?
Woman #1 in charity shop: I think he may have been homophobic...
London
England
10AM I'll "Fluff It", If You Will.
PR guy to marketing guy: You know, I'm just going to massage it a little. I just want to get it into your hands as soon as possible, you know?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: the girl who cannot hear
9AM When Auditors Give Pep Talks to Each Other
Coworker on phone: Well, tell her to bend over and hand you some KY.
Cartersville, Georgia
Overheard by: Shocked and Disturbed
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