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March 2010 Archives
5PM Shall I Assume the Position, Sir?
Boss to coworker coming in: Great! My A-Team is here! I need you to go out there and show me your A-ness.
St Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Blueshirt
4PM Worst. 911 Operator. Ever.
Coworker on phone: Thank you for calling our company. How the hell may I help you now?
Manhattan, New York
3PM That Just Means There's Not Enough Lube
Female admin assistant: You know how anal I get when it comes to your work.
Male property manager: It's okay, I love anal!
(coworkers laugh)
Male property manager: Well... That didn't come out right.
Vancouver
Canadia
2PM I Think I've Heard This Dolly Parton Song...
50-something woman on Stairmaster, to personal trainer: I've got the heart of a whore, and I want the body of a virgin.
Oakland, California
1PM Why Women Get Lost and Need to Ask for Directions
Girl on cell in hallway: I tend to go wherever my nipples lead me.
Alpharetta, Georgia
11AM One Company Where Everybody Works Hard
IT guy: Hey, do you have any DVDs?
Communications manager: Like blank ones?
IT guy: No, recorded, I need to test something.
Communications manager: I don't have anything, but Bob* might have some porn.
IT guy, thrilled: All right!
Sex Toy Compan
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
10AM I Thought You Looked Different...
40-something male colleague: Oh, Sunday was no-pants day! Did you participate?
20-something female intern: Yes, but not intentionally!
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
9AM ...Ma'am
Coworker on phone: Hi, I was waiting to speak to Doug. (pause) No, Doug is a man, I spoke to a man before. (pause) Oh, sorry, you just didn't sound like the guy I spoke to last time.
Victoria
BC
Canadia
5PM Can't Wait 'til Somebody Gets Pregnant
PMSing office worker: I'm in such a bad mood. I'm bloated and eating everything in sight. It's like, "just bleed, dammit!"
Sympathetic coworker #1: I started this morning, so you should be okay soon.
Sympathetic coworker #2: I started yesterday.
Only male in the office: Fuck me.
Norman, Oklahoma
4PM Companies Get the Unions They Deserve, Dear Reader
Head honcho: We should get on a pooping schedule!
Unidentified underling: (laughs nervously)
Head honcho: It's time for you to poop!
Altoona, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: What's My Pee Telling Me?
3PM But I'm a Little Tired Of Your Crazier-Than-Thou Attitude
Associate #1: Why did you do that?
Associate #2: Do what?
Associate #1: Well, I was whistling, then you started whistling just as soon as I did.
Associate #2: When?
Associate #1: Just now. Are you trying to out-whistle me?
Associate #2: Out-what?
Associate #1: Out-whistle, out-whistle. I started to whistle, then you started doing it, only louder and faster and with some annoyingly catchy song.
Associate #2: I was just whistling.
Associate #1: Is this a competition? Are you competing with me?
Associate #2: I - ah - I don't - I don't understand what's happening.
Associate #1: You. Whistling. Stop it.
Associate #2: Ooookaaaay...
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Presidential Ass't
2PM I'm Just Excited Because My Shipment Arrived from Colombia
Kind supervisor: I just wanted to ask you to lower your voice a little bit. You must have gotten some good news on the phone, but you were a little rambunctious with the language. I think you said (whispering) "shit" three times during that call.
Embarrassed secretary: You ask so little of me, and I still can't do it. I mean, who has to tell a grown woman not to yell "shit" in a crowded office?
Government Office
Tampa, Florida
1PM ...Just As Soon As My Monkey Suit Gets Back from the Cleaners.
Boss during meeting: As long as they can get sixty people there, we'll make it happen. If they want to see a monkey fucking a football, we'll make it happen.
Manhattan, New York
11AM Been Fighting the Laws Of Nature Ever Since
Coworker: I'm an engineer that went over to the green side.
US Army Corps of Engineers
Washington, DC
10AM Like, Did He Twirl His Mustache and Cackle?
Secretary to irate victim on the phone: Well, ma'am, perhaps it would help if you could remember the name of the prosecutor who handled your case...
Irate victim: Well... I don't remember his name, but I can tell you he was the meanest son of a bitch in that office!
Secretary, sighing: Ma'am, I'm afraid you're going to have to be much more specific than that.
Virginia
Overheard by: Nice Little Lemur Girl
9AM Babies Are Accessories, Not Decorations, Patty!
Little girl #1, finding baby doll: What a cute baby.
Little girl #2: Let's hang it!
Hastings, Michigan
5PM That's One Of the Perks Of Upper Management
Co-manager to another, during Christmas party: You can't keep on screaming "I need this, I need this" as you pin an employee to your lap!
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Zen
4PM ...Hairy Question
Health inspector to commissioner: So you might be getting a call from this lady about making burgers out of beaver meat.
Secretary to health inspector: Have you ever eaten beaver?
Commissioner, as she walks away: You people can discuss this...
Department of Health
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Alfie
3PM Is This a Trap?
Customer service rep to client: Yeah, you just did the opposite of what I just said. But that's fine. You can do it that way.
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Says the Woman Dressed Like a Teapot?
Copy editor, muttering to herself: Party foul, for dubious misuse of the verb "finger." (pause) Contractions are your friends! Will everyone stop being so damn British?!
Dundee
Scotland
Overheard by: musingvenus
1PM Do I Know How to Get Girls Hot, or What?
Comics editor: I already got consent, now all I need to do is find a gas station.
Austin, Texas
11AM Never List ESP As One Of Your Skills on Your Resume
Boss: We want to have the title field on the business card, so include on the ordering page a drop-down list so the employee can select a title, and corporate standards are consistent.
IT consultant: No problem, do you have a list of titles?
Boss: No.
IT consultant: So what would you like to have in the drop-down list?
Boss: A list of titles.
Winnipeg
Manitoba
Canadia
10AM ...Up Your Butt!
Female office worker: I'll take care of it. I have great attention to detail, I'm very anal retentive about that sort of thing. Anytime you want anal, I'm your girl.
(15 seconds of silence) I think that came out wrong. You know what I meant, right?
Boss: Well, okay, team, looks like we have that one assigned. Moving on...
Anaheim, California
9AM How You Know Someone Is Originally from Brooklyn
Upset creepy man trying to get access to woman's room: I am wearing a $10,000 watch, you don't have to worry about me stealing anything.
Manager: For all I know, you killed someone and stole their watch.
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Ross79
5PM A Suicide Attempt Is Just a Cry for Help Around the House
Coworker on the phone: Once I stabbed myself in the leg with a knife, and my husband made me a BLT sandwich.
Butler, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Benjamin
4PM If Not, I Win the Oldest-Food-in-the-Fridge Contest
Coworker, yelling down hall: Hey, Diana*, did yours ooze?
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
3PM ...So Tell That to the Adoption Agency.
Fire chief to maintenance worker: I need one with a big bottom, so it doesn't flip over.
Washington State
2PM After Which We Often Have Intercourse
Oblivious female office worker: I really like getting adjusted. Some people say it hurts, but to me it feels so good! A good release of tension.
Male office worker: "Adjusted." Is that what they call it now?
Oblivious female office worker: Yep, it has many names. I see my chiropractor for an adjustment two or three times a week.
Amarillo, Texas
Overheard by: Jeremy
1PM Young People Have Lost Touch With the Old Ways
Suit at bistro: There are some things a shoe tree can not fix.
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: BumbleBree
11AM Terrible Acting
Rental associate: How did you enjoy your movies, sir?
Customer, noticeably uncomfortable: Uhhh, the first one sucked, the second one I couldn't get through.
Rental associate: Oh, that's nice. (looks down to see each movie is a porno and turns beet red)
Rancho Cucamonga, California
Overheard by: pixelpusher-909
10AM I'm Perfect for Disarmament Talks
Manager on the phone: I'm carrying the shoulders of five people on my back.
Pomona, California
Overheard by: Rather confused
9AM Only If It Had Room for a Bagel
Office guy: Your toaster is too small.
Office gal: It isn't my toaster.
Office guy: It's close to your desk.
Office gal: If I shoved it up your ass, would it be your toaster?
Seattle, Washington
5PM Using Invisible Ink
Boss to notoriously unreliable person: Jane, are you writing this down?
Jane: Yes, I am writing this down... in my mind.
Seward, Nebraska
4PM Probably Divine Intervention. Again.
Nursing home resident, about stuffed cow: Pepper had a baby!
Staff: What's his name?
Resident: Pepper pea!
Staff: How's the baby doing?
Resident: He's peeing everywhere!
Staff: I thought Pepper was a boy.
Resident: He is.
Staff: Then how did Pepper have a baby?
Resident: That's what I'd like to know!
Greenwood, South Carolina
Overheard by: Dana
3PM ...By Calling 911 and Running Away
Irate cafeteria worker to 14-year-old daughter, over phone: I will fight you like I'd fight an enemy in the street.
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: emma pilsbury
2PM There's Never a Dull Moment at Gay Klan Meetings
Female coworker, about new computer program: At first I had a hate attack, but after a while I got the hang of it.
Male coworker: Sort of like anal.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: G Dorn
1PM My Work on Planet Earth Is Complete
Secretary, filing her nails: It's a real contribution to society, knowing how to jazzercise.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: I wish I could jazzercize
11AM I'm Beginning to Think I Don't Have Womb for Him in My Life
Fellow cube dweller on cell to friend: He gets all clingy every time I have a miscarriage.
Henderson, Nevada
Overheard by: Sal Sagev
10AM The One With the Larger Diameter?
Loan processor, looking in horror at her desk: Oh, my god, the president used my slut pen!
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
10AM The Law's a Cruel Mistress, Betsy
Female attorney to secretary: Even the three-ways are a pain in the butt.
Asheville, North Carolina
9AM To My Twitter Page, Batman!
Female coworker, almost colliding into male: Oops! I just come like a hurricane!
Adelaide
Australia
5PM ...Funny Story
Employee #1: Would you care for some cinnamon almonds?
Employee #2: No, I don't like sweet nuts.
Employee #1: Really?
Employee #2: I like my nuts salty.
Los Alamitos, California
Overheard by: Cat
4PM The Two Types Of Women in This World: Encapsulated.
Cube rat #1: Kids say the darndest things...
Cube rat #2: That's why I ain't had no kids.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
3PM If This'll Be a Long Story, Let Me Get Some Coffee
Cubicle worker to colleague: Yeah, my grandfather died on the Titanic. I love that boat!
45th St & Ave of the Americas
2PM Sorry, My Mind Just Went on Safari for a Minute There
Ski salesman, advocating favorite brand to customer: I'm partial to Head.
Customer: You and me both.
Ottawa
Canadia
1PM Career Tip: MTV Provides Profound Insight Into Your Younger Employees
Boss: Is You're all jerks a new reality show?
Employee: No, but The Jersey Shore is.
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM ...What's "I Want a Divorce" Supposed to Mean, Anyway?
Female coworker, after receiving text from hubby: That's 25 cents I'll never get back.
Nebraska
Overheard by: WOW
11AM If I Were, Wouldn't It Be on the Ceiling?
Office manager: Why is there toilet paper on the floor? Are you a shithead?
Flushing
Queens, New York
10AM I Refuse to Take One for the Team, Though
Male voice over cubicle: Hey, has Smith gone over to the other side?
Female voice: I don't know, I'll watch his thing and let you know.
Greenville, Texas
9AM Sounds Hot
Male coworker: Did you get a haircut?
Female coworker: No, I showered.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: erak
5PM I'm Losing Interest in This Conversation
Yuppie #1 : Yeah, so my buddy is a trader at RBC.
Yuppie #2 : Royal Bank of Scotland?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Jack
4PM I Thought It Was Our Policy Not to Negotiate with Hamburglars?
Coworker to another: Give him he meat. That's what he wants.
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Dina
3PM Ten Bucks Says It's Not Even Her Birthday-- She's Just Testing Him.
Office lady on phone: I'm your wife! You should know my birthday! (hangs up)
Manhattan, New York
2PM Coffee's Very Stimulating
Male drone to female drone walking back to cubicle with a cup of coffee in each hand: Oh, double fisting. I like it!
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Veronica
1PM Why Don't You Come Into the Breakroom with Me and Find Out
Coworker #1: I got an extra sausage which I haven't touched. Do you want it?
Coworker #2: Is that a pick-up line?
El Segundo, California
12PM Have You Noticed My Guard Dog and Electric Fence?
Coworker #1 to coworker #2: I wish I was holding your Magoo.
Coworker #2: Ummm... I'm gonna leave you two alone.
Coworker #1: Close the door on your way out.
Coworker #2: You don't have a door, you have a cube.
Coworker #1: So... What's your point?
Milford, Connecticut
11AM He Prefers to Be Called "Santa," by the Way
Boss to web developer: Didn't we do that site for... For... Ugh... You know... Dick bag motherfucker...
Web developer: Um... No... I don't remember doing anything for Dick Bag motherfucker.
Red Bank, New Jersey
10AM Or We Could Just Expand Our Coverage to Baghdad
News guy working on obits: I never thought I'd see the day when we're out of dead people.
Traffic chick, during slow shift: Well, maybe someone will crash and solve both our problems!
Gainesville, Georgia
9AM Regardless, Let's Wear Bikinis.
Dumb blonde #1: Is there a pool at the swim gym?
Dumb blonde #2: I think so...
Hastings
New Zealand
5PM Heh, You Said "Electrical Arc"
Electrical foreman on radio to electrician: Okay, here goes.
Electrician: We've got a huge electrical arc goin' on here!
Electrical foreman: Well, don't touch it!
Electrician: Well, fuckin' duh! Er, I mean... 10-4.
Phoenix, Arizona
4PM Viggo Mortensen!
Maintenance worker: Word association-- linoleum!
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rhys
3PM ...Kill All Humans?
Boss to office: What does a robotics team do?
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: stuck in cube neighbor hell
2PM The Two Of Them Would Go on to Become Ear Buds for Life
Male sales VP, looking over sales rep's shoulder at computer: Oh yeah, I have that on my iTunes too: Quando, Quando, Quando, by Englebert Humperdink.
Male sales rep: Yeah, this is my gym mix.
Santa Barbara, California
1PM Has the Millionaire Matchmaker Gotten Too Full Of Herself? Discuss.
Coworker to another: You should let him go first, he has a bigger one to pull out.
Los Angeles, California
12PM You Can't Run and You Can't Hide, Guys
Consultant: Menopause is not a one-day thing!
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: M@
11AM More Like I Played Hockey with It-- Was That Wrong?
Secretary: My mouse stopped working.
Tech guy: Was this after you dropped it?
Secretary: Yes.
Public University
New Jersey
Overheard by: Clark W.
10AM He Still Doesn't Do It as Homosexually As Possible, Though
Case worker: My husband was laying around like a little faggot last night.
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Spazzy
9AM And If You're Interested in the Other Thing, I Have Some Diagrams That May Help.
Female director to peon about to leave to celebrate anniversary: I hope you have plans to do your wife right this weekend. (five second awkward pause) And by that I mean "do right by your wife this weekend." I gotta go, bye!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: r
5PM Tell Her That We'll Supply the Loofahs.
VP: They were used to our company being Mr Goodbar, Mr Good Humor guy, but not anymore. If I want her to embrace it, she gotta have more skin in the game.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Redacted
4PM ...I'm Doing a Gallup Poll.
Manager of apartment complex: Does your husband have a crotch rocket?
Rochester, New York
3PM Steam-Powered Computers Require a Rugged Foundation
Worker bee: So my computer crashed.
Manager: So? Tell the technicians, not me.
Worker bee: No, I mean "crashed onto the floor of my office."
Manager: What?
Worker bee: I told you the new desks were crap.
Canary Wharf
London
England
Overheard by: Hopeing the floors hold
2PM Raise Your Hand If You've Had to Dry Your Hair With Paper Towels
Female office manager, coming in from the rain outside: Ugh, now I'm all wet... and not in a good way.
Watertown, Massachusetts
1PM It Never Takes Risks When Investing.
Manager: This chair has no balls!
Oregon
Overheard by: killerwhales
12PM And Ugly, Clueless Children
Coworker: If you do it brainless, you end up with crappy data.
Sacramento, California
11AM ...So I'm Gonna Put Hawaii Down As a Foreign Country.
Ladder-climber to boss: If you don't have a good enough argument for why I'm wrong, then I'm right.
Ohio
10AM Jen Warned Me About You.
Proprietor to employee: Can I grab you a minute?
Oakland, New Jersey
9AM Not Quite Dr. King's Dream, but Still
Secretary to another: So I had a dream that you and I murdered Ryan, and all I could think was I was upset because I just friended him on Facebook.
Allentown, Pennsylvania
5PM Wisconsin Has Two Married IT Guys?
IT guy #1, checking on slow response time: You getting any? [time]
IT guy #2: Nope, I'm married too.
Brookfield, Wisconsin
4PM Ooooh, "Whores".
Secretary to boss: What? The legal department is corporate?
Manhattan, New York
3PM Really Cheered Me Up
Boss: I like your pompoms.
Secretary: Thanks, I got them for my birthday.
Oregon
Overheard by: killerwhales
2PM I Mean, It's Critical That the Lady Finishes
Contractor: I mean, I don't want to just jerk her off...
Cary, North Carolina
1PM This Year It Was Mostly Switchblades and Liquor.
Office drone: Well, in the past I'd seen him hand out stuffed animals and candy to kids, but this year he didn't do that... from what I saw.
Prosser, Washington
Overheard by: was santa in a windowless van
12PM Neatly Slumped Over My Desk, the Way Headquarters Likes It
Middle manager: I'm not going to eat until all of these problems are solved.
Office temp: Wow, you're gonna die.
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
11AM Wouldn't You Like to Know?
Coworker to another while tweaking settings on their iPhones: Where's your colon?
Birmingham
England
Overheard by: Bex
5PM That's Nothing-- My Blackberry Can Perform It.
Reporter: I know how to do CPR. I have the CPR ap on my iPhone.
Augusta, Georgia
4PM Now That Was a Happy Hour
Female employee, preparing for office happy hour: Do any of you have a bottle opener for the beer?
Male employee #1: He does.
Male employee #2: No, I don't.
Male employee #1: Yes you do, isn't there one on your belt buckle or key chain?
Male employee #2: Uhhh... No.
Male employee #1: Really? I'd swear that last time we did this, you took something out of your pants that did the job very well for her.
Kansas City, Missouri
3PM Never Hire a Ballerina
Coworker on cell: I have a confession to make fast, horse peeps! Are you ready for this? (pause) The reason I have to go home is to do number two. Because last time I think it came out like a subway sandwich. And the toilet doesn?t work upstairs anymore. (pause) Yes, that was me! So there, I feel better now.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Trevor Arnold
2PM So Much for My Liquid Assets.
Senior broker to associate broker: I am drowning in my own snot.
47th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: CaseyMarie
1PM Sometimes Customer Service Is Difficult to Stomach
Sales clerk on phone: So the reason I lost the baby was because he punched me in the stomach. Yes, girl! The police don't just investigate innocent people like that. (looks at coming customer) I'll call you back. (slams phone) Can I help you?
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: AP
12PM How Much Crank Does That Take?
Female coworker: I received your collections file for the $57,700.00 claim. Have you run an asset check on this lady to see if she has anything we can file suit against?
Male coworker: No. When I spoke to her she sounded barefoot, pregnant, and poor. Like she was living with someone else.
Female coworker: I didn't realize you could get all of that from someone's voice.
Male coworker: I'm crunk. I'm good.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Not Crunk
11AM And Now I'm a Great Big Carnivwhore
CSR #1: Yeah, I was a vegan for a few years.
CSR #2: What happened?
CSR #1: Chicken happened.
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Australia Has Homie Boys?
Boss, walking into meeting: All I'm saying is that if those homie boys spoke more clearly they wouldn't have to finish every sentence with "know what I'm saying?"
Canberra
Australia
Overheard by: dmac
9AM ...In the Past Five Minutes.
Office guy #1, laughing: Man, your polo shirt is on inside out.
Office guy #2: That's the second time I've done that.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: rdguy
5PM Here's Huey Lewis to Explain
Female coworker: (makes kissing noises while hovering over male coworker's neck)
Male recipient: See? I had a wart there. Now, gone!
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Office Ninja
4PM We're a Federal Agency-- So Yes
Boss: You're not making up this crap about your grandmother dying, are you?
Analyst: No, do I have to prove it to you?
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Steve
3PM Sometimes Our Submitters Are the Ugly Ones
Particularly unattractive coworker to the room: How do you spell "ugly"?
Medfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Y...O...
2PM Where Can I Get It Serviced?
Woman, about phone: My vibrator's not really working.
Man: What?
South Glens Falls
New York
1PM After a Few More Hits Of This Blunt
Jamaican contractor: Hey, have some coconut.
White employee: No, man, I'm full.
Jamaican contractor: Dude, this is a coconut. It doesn't matter how full you are.
Edmonton
Canadia
12PM Except at Tax Time, It's Easy to Resent Your Dependents
Visiting techie on phone: What's wrong with the clock? Is it plugged in? Well, move the fridge then... I can, but I'm two-and-a-half hours away...
Texas
11AM So We Could Stalk Our Ex-Boyfriends Online?
Office lady to another: And that's why I think god created technology.
Puyallup, Washington
10AM I'm Slightly Nauseated, but Intrigued
Drone to another: I have something that may tie up your loose end.
Kansas City, Missouri
9AM They're Notoriously Unreliable Employees, Though
Boss to office drone: Your monkey should be working.
Denver, Colorado
5PM Ah, Gonorrhea.
Coworker #1: I can't believe we didn't catch that last time!
Coworker #2: We did... and laughed at it.
Manhattan, New York
4PM Says the Girl Named Gina?
Coworker #1: What should I name my font?
Coworker #2: What about Kont?
Coworker #1: Ew!
Coworker #2: What? Oh, "Kont" sounds like" cunt."
Coworker #1: That just happened. Gross!
California
Overheard by: g$
3PM Janeane Garofalo.
Coworker: On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Houston, Texas
2PM Kindly Avert Your Eyes
Supervisor: Hey, do you mind training a new hire and going over some calls?
Employee: Sure, let me just put away my taco.
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: CDB
1PM That's Not What You Said at the Office Holiday Party
Irate phone salesgirl: You are putting words in my mouth, and you do not know me well enough to be putting anything in my mouth!
Chicago, Illinois
12PM ...My Solid Waste Of a Career
Woman carrying takeout lunch: This bag is fully biodegradable and compostable... like my career!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Rose Fox
11AM Does That Come with a Pay Increase?
Disney peon #1, discussing Jonas Brothers project: "You've just been Jo-Bro'd" sounds so obscene.
Disney peon #2: Yeah, and the tag line is, "packed with more Jonas than you've ever seen."
(ten minutes later)
Disney peon #3, walking up: I feel like my brain is running out my ears.
Disney peons #1 & #2: You've just been Jo-Bro'd!
Burbank, California
10AM On Rainy Days, I Can Wear My Umbrella Hat
Male administrative assistant on phone: It's great that I am eccentric, it means I can be deviant most of the time.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: watching the clock
9AM PETA Members Will Say Anything
Coworker #1: Veal is unborn calf.
Coworker #2: Unborn? I thought it was just babies.
Coworker #1, somberly: No. Cut 'em right out of the womb.
Coworker #2: I'm never eating veal again.
Coworker #1: That's why it's so tender.
Gainesville, Florida
5PM ...The Way My Postman Does.
Receptionist: How was everything today?
Male client: Oh, it was great! The massage was great, though I couldn't understand a word she said.
Receptionist: Well, it's a good thing that she's not massaging you with her mouth!
Day Spa
Manhattan, New York
4PM Only to a Straight One, Like Ted Haggard.
Office drone #1: Is there any money left for this?
Gay manager: No. Well, there's some money, but I can't give it all to you.
Office drone #1: Well, we need more.
Gay manager: Well, you can't have more. I'll give you half, okay?
Office drone #1: God, you are such a tight arse.
Office drone #2, in panic: You can't say that to a gay homosexual!
South Morang
Australia
Overheard by: Straight and amused.
3PM Who Hasn't?
Coworker: I had a bad experience with a potato gun.
Carmel, Indiana
Overheard by: Kairow
2PM This Has Been a Publiic Service Announcement
Ghetto fabulous phone operator in auto insurance claim office: What that smell is? That's just raunchy! They need to go outside with that smell!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Sick of sitting nearby this person
1PM A Little Tip from Us to You: If They Think You're Jewish Anyway, Take Those Holidays Off.
Indian woman: How was your holiday?
White man: Uh, holiday?
Indian woman: Yeah, Rosher Hana?
White man: Rosh Hashanah?
Indian woman: Yeah.
White man: I'm not Jewish.
Indian woman: Oh, you're not?
White man: No. I told you that when you asked me how Passover was.
Indian woman: (silence)
White man: That's okay. That was awhile ago.
Atlanta, Georgia
12PM Worst. "Birds and Bees" Talk. Ever.
Coworker to another: It doesn't matter if they're juicy or dry, they all do the same thing.
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM See the Pretty Black Border I Printed Around It?
Employee #1: You know we have envelopes with windows so you don't have to print an envelope?
Employee #2: Yeah, but it's sad news... So I thought it deserved its own envelope.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Representative Democracy Is Never Pretty
State rep #1: What's up?
State rep #2: Living the dream!
State rep #2: It's actually more nightmarish.
Columbus, Ohio
9AM Are My Eyes Open Yet?
Coworker to another, looking at tea in her cup: I think this has caffeine in it, it's called "Wake Up."
Montpelier, Vermont
Overheard by: tam
5PM I Thought There Was No Evidence Of IUDs!
Elevator geek: An IUD is not a weapon. It's a contraceptive.
Elevator cougar: Depends on who you ask.
Portland, Oregon
4PM The Middleman More Than Earns His Money
Creative director: This is the equivalent of a Wal-Mart cashier wearing rubber gloves. They don't like me, and I don't like them.
Augusta, Maine
3PM ...Like That Cirque Du Soleil Performer Over There.
Boss: You've gotta stay on your balls.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: tim
2PM Your Editors Find This Change Of Heart a Hopeful Sign
Sales associate #1, bringing in carts: Oh man, we got another wet one.
Sales associate #2: That's what she... um, do we still need to work on that display?
Portland, Oregon
1PM I Really Don't Think He's the One Who Smashed Up My BMW
Exasperated boss, on phone with son: Oh, let's just leave Jesus out of this, okay?
Huntington, New York
Overheard by: Lady Lawyer
12PM Which Is What Taxes Actually Smell Like
Coworker #1: It smells like old people in here.
Coworker #2: What do old people smell like?
Coworker #3: Death and feces.
San Rafael, California
11AM But According to HR, We Have to Wear Pasties This Year.
Accounts manager, muttering quietly to herself about cubicle decorations: We can Amsterdam it up. Like our own flashy little brothel.
Bloomington, Minnesota
Overheard by: glasses girl
10AM You Can't Handle My Zip Code!
Cashier: Sir, what's your zip code?
Customer: Credit.
Cashier: No, your zip code?
Customer: Oh... credit.
Cashier: Your zip code!
Hampton, Virginia
Overheard by: TY
9AM I Thought His Brothers Had Beaten That Out Of Him
Concerned mother on phone with daycare: Does he normally hit his friends like that?
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Db's mom
5PM And Remember: Rational + Lies = Rationalize
Admin on phone: No, I can't write your budget justification for you, you have to do that yourself. (pause) Because I cannot justify what you are doing, that's why!
Fordham University
4PM Sigh.
IT guy #1: Hey, Ted*, I'm gonna start fixing some of these problems in your box.
IT guy #2: You know, I've been doing pretty well getting through them. With that new tool.
IT guy #3: Yeah, that new tool is great! It lets me plow through those new hires quicker than before! I don't know how it works, but they go. Crazy for it!
Sparks, Maryland
Overheard by: Hello, Operator...
3PM Why It's Advisable Not to Eat Shrooms for Lunch
General manager: If there's a problem report immediately, don't wait for an opportune moment.
Teenage intern: Is that a real word?
General manager: What? "Opportune"?
Teenage intern: No, "moment."
Derry, New Hampshire
2PM Take What, Exactly? No, Don't Tell Me.
Cute gay guy: Tome Cruise and Katie Holmes were looking for an apartment on my street.
Female coworker: Oh, really?
Cute gay guy: Yeah, I live on Toorak Road. If they move there, I wanna steal Suri. And have crazy bum sex on my balcony! (demonstrates by thrusting in the air) Take that, Scientology!
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Giggling
1PM At Work, I Read Mostly Magazines.
Girl #1: I love reading books.
Girl #2: Really? When do you read them?
Girl #1: Oh, after work, and on the weekends.
Pyrmont
Australia
12PM Otherwise It's Like That Scene in The Fugitive
Lady #1: How do I go there?
Lady #2: Take a train.
Lady #1: But I'm not sure where it goes.
Lady #2: I think it goes to the train station up there.
Lynchburg, Virginia
11AM Outside Work I'm Really More Of a Tart
Elderly patient: Go away, you cross-eyed slut!
Nurse: I'm not cross-eyed!
Hospital
Hillsboro, Oregon
10AM Just the Dressing on Their Spots
Boss to employee: Lepers don't change their spots.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Chad
9AM Can We Get through One Meal Without You Asking That?
Lunch mate #1: We should be parts of the reproductive system for Halloween.
Lunch mate #2: Oooooh, can I be a clitoris?!"
Scarborough
Canadia
Overheard by: Cnote
5PM Who Buys a Solar-Powered Suit?
Coworker to another: He was glowing like a pregnant woman!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: netdpb
4PM With the Possible Exception Of "Does This Smell Like Chloroform to You?"
CSR #1: I like that we are looking up how to make chloroform while talking about pick-up lines in bars...
CSR #2: Well, we already decided that pick-up lines don't work.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Chemist
3PM Raise Your Hand If You Hate Being First-Named by Strangers, Regardless Of Color
Irate black secretary, getting off phone: Damn bill collectors, always asking for me by my full name. Know he didn't know me either, cause none of my friends call me Patricia, and he sounded white. Lord knows that I don't have any white friends.
One Penn Plaza, Manhattan
Overheard by: The white guy who thought he was a friend
2PM Show a Little Respect for the Monarchy, Man!
Coworker on phone: What? So even for a million pounds you wouldn't let her sit on your face?!
Soho
London
England
1PM It Takes a Lot to Ruffle a New Yorker's Feathers
Skinny middle-aged man to large middle-aged receptionist: May I borrow your phone?
Receptionist: Sure, sugar.
Skinny middle-aged man, after calmly speaking with another doctor: And when I get there, I'm going to crap on your desk! (to receptionist) Thank you for letting me borrow your phone.
Receptionist: You're welcome, sugar.
Gastroenterology Office
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: the intern
12PM ...After I Orgasmed.
Female coworker: Oh my god, I just skooged all over you! I just shot my load!
(office is silent)
Female coworker: I was squishing my lotion and I even got it on my watch.
Manhattan, New York
11AM You Must Think There's a Difference Between Methodists and Baptists
Authoritative man in cafeteria line: Hm. I love twice-baked potatoes.
Man behind him: Aren't twice-baked potatoes the same as mashed potatoes?
Authoritative man in cafeteria line: The difference is that twice-baked potatoes are baked twice.
Swanton, Ohio
Overheard by: Boehmhemian
10AM It's a Walk-Facilitation Apparatus!
Female boss to employee: Take your cane and come here!
Male employee: It's not a cane!
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: Ron
9AM In Case You Wondered Who Shops at Whole Foods
Coworker to another: As long as I keep on getting grilled brie and paté sandwiches and have a gold-plated bidet, I don't mind being broke.
Whole Foods
Oakland, California
Overheard by: AlchemistGeorge
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