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February 2010 Archives
5PM Just Like My EHarmony Profile States
Old female shop assistant: The company uses really good boxes to send their stuff in, hey...
Young female shop assistant: What's so good about them?
Old female shop assistant: They're really easy to fold, not hard or anything.
Young female shop assistant: Yes, I love a good box.
Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Ellie
4PM Hip Hop Leaves a Funky Residue in Caucasian Speech
Whitest white girl talking to black store manager: You will see me at your store, fo' sho'... Er... for sure.
Hawthorne, New York
3PM Are You Talking About Poop Again, Shirley?
Female coworker, after finding old file down in file cabinets: Look, Rod and I just made a miracle in the basement!
Insurance Office
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: TVannie
2PM What Santa Said About My Cookies One Year
Employee to intern: That'll back me up for a month! I don't want your chocolate.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Chocolateer
1PM See, This Is Why They Pay Me the Big Bucks.
Boss, discussing chances of gaining a particular client: There's a 100% chance, it's 50/50.
Financial District
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Hey, I Look Past Your Beer Belly and Inability to Coordinate an Outfit
Overly gay coworker: Oh. My. God. Why are you not answering your phone? I've had the same call ring back to me three times.
Coworker: Okay, you're gonna need to turn down the homosexuality, because all I'm hearing is, "blah blah blah, I'm such a fag, blah blah blah."
Maryville Centre
St. Louis, Missouri
11AM And You're Just My UPS Guy!
Female coworker on phone: I am really sorry my pregnancy is an inconvenience to you, but guess what: it is an inconvenience to me too!
Westland, Michigan
Overheard by: Krystal
10AM Oh, Relax! Just Kinky Fellatio.
Coworker #1, about Tesla cars: Those things were blowing trannies when they came out.
Coworker #2: Wait, what are you guys talking about?
The Woodlands, Texas
Overheard by: Jeremy
9AM "Dear H.R...."
Project manager: You get me those butt connectors and we'll get back there and touch them.
Kansas City, Kansas
5PM Your Editors Are Really Curious About the Hand Signals
CSR: No, you aren't going to find Jesus until you stop being gay. Just remember to do your affirmations every day, and Jesus will appear to you (signals with hand) and let you know when to stop doing them.
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: VINCENT B.
4PM I Was That Way with Sister Act II: Back in the Habit
Newly hired girl, learning computer system: *gasp* Oh my god, I just figured out why Chevron gas stations are called Chevron!
(senior girl rolls eyes)
Newly hired girl, a minute later: *gasp!*
Senior girl: What? Did you just figure out what Shell gas stations are named after?
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: why did we hire her again?
3PM ...These Minesweeper Games Don't Just Play Themselves
Boss: Hey, are you working hard...?
Employee: Or hardly working? Wait... I mean, "yes, I'm working hard."
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM People-Watching at Golden Corral Is Even Better Than the Food
Large woman to laughing four-year-old boy outside Golden Corral buffet: What do you mean that wasn't a hot dog you showed me?
Lexington, Kentucky
1PM And Eat Them
Employee: Tom*, do you want to go to lunch?
Tom*: No! I want to kill someone!
Dublin
Ireland
12PM ...Anybody Got a Cigarette?
Office hottie, after office creepster has poked her: Ouch! What was that for?
Office creepster: I just always wondered what it'd be like to poke you.
Office hottie: Oh. It didn't do much for me. How was it for you?
Office creepster: Fucking magic!
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: Kiwibloke
11AM Um...Old?
Two female coworkers in unison: Nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu!
Suitland, Maryland
10AM ...And the Combined Length Of Their Penises?
Male coworker: It's small but mighty.
Female coworker #1: Hey, it's not the size that matters!
Male coworker: You're right, it's the bandwidth!
(laughter)
Female coworker #2: We are still talking about the analytics department, right?
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Mandy
9AM There Is No Healing Without Self-Acceptance
Female peon, exiting bathroom in disgust: Ugh, I hate the way my ass smells.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Pudangdang
5PM IT Guys Are More Likely to Beat You With a Memory Stick
Older IT guy: I live by the rule of thumb: "If the stick's not bigger than your thumb, you can beat 'em with it!" (laughs) Okay, now, go to your sent box...
Sparks, Maryland
Overheard by: Operator
4PM ...But It Has Nothing to Do with a Submarine Sandwich
President and CEO: That's what "underwater" means.
Cleveland, Ohio
3PM I Mean, He Doesn't Think We Should Execute Feminists...
Random bitter Republican: Well, I don't think Rush Limbaugh is really far right conservative, I think he's pretty moderate.
Oregon, Ohio
Overheard by: Flying Turtle
2PM So It's Better Than the CIA in That Sense
Peon #1: Hey, boss, there is a water leak up on the second floor.
Boss: Well, let's get up there and check it out.
Peon #2: So there's a leak in the roof, huh?
Peon #1: Yeah, but the good thing is: it only leaks when it rains!
Elk City, Oklahoma
1PM At Least I Learned How to Make Lightbulb Nachos
Coworker: With the amount of hours I spent playing WoW, I probably could have graduated college. Oh, well.
Salt Lake City, Utah
12PM Thanks, Sesame Street!
IT guy #1, absorbed in reading data printout: Hmmm... Aha! 12, 13, 14.
IT guy #2, passing by: Hey, you can count to 14! That's great!
IT guy #3: And he can do it without taking his shoes off!
Toronto
Canadia
11AM Biblicly.
Female intern: Another intern?
Male manager: Yup. You're not so new anymore.
Female intern: What's his name?
Male manager: Dick.
Female intern: Really? I know a Dick.
Male manager: Do you?
Female intern: Yeah, I know like three Dicks!
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: this wun guy
10AM Where the Women Have Their Make-up Permanently Lasered on
Middle-aged coworker, about applying makeup to upper eyelids: I can't do it because my eyes are all squinty.
Young Asian coworker, jokingly: Yeah, me either.
Middle-aged coworker, serious: But that's because of where you're from.
Male coworker, walking in: Oxnard?
Thousand Oaks, California
9AM I've Heard at Night They Roam the Neighborhood, in Search Of Soup and Liniment.
Loan officer #1: Wouldn't a 55-and-over development have lower market value because your applicant pool is so small?
Loan officer #2: No way, there's a ton of old people.
Eastern Shore, Maryland
5PM I'm Sorry, I Just Don't Think I Know You Well Enough Yet.
Coworker #1: I would like more markers like this.
Coworker #2: What makes it so special?
Coworker #1: It writes better.
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah? Let me see the tip.
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: Raaaaachel
4PM Yeah Well, I Also Said I'd Never Forget My Birth Control.
Worker #1, looking at calendar: Patriot Day? What the hell is Patriot Day?!
Worker #2: Dude, that's September 11th.
Worker #1: Oh, damn.
Worker #3: You said you'd never forget!
Ellensburg, Washington
3PM It Makes You Bloated?
CPA, referring to Buddhist temple client: For me, karma is like retained earnings.
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: George
2PM Perhaps a Stern Talking-to from an Attractive Young Police Officer
Front manager: I wanna go out on the town and cause trouble tonight. Not to the point of getting arrested, but... really close.
Newton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Tom
1PM We're Calling in a Guy Code Violation
Man using bathroom stall: Well, I drink about a liter, a liter and a half of water a day.
Man at urinal: Drinking water is good for the kidneys, and I've got a constipation problem, so drinking water helps me.
Atlanta, Georgia
12PM Great Scott!
Boss to underling: We have Kleenex?! Why? There's perfectly good toilet paper in the bathroom!
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Q5 Is Better Known As the Empty Quarter
Client: I think we'll need to push this to Q4 or Q5.
Seattle, Washington
10AM Tonight's Movie: The Man Who Would Be Queen
Boss, singing to well-known Disney tune: One day... My prince will come! ...And stick it up my bum...
Birkenhead
England
Overheard by: No longer a Disney fan
9AM Raise Your Hand If You'd Hate Working There
Manager: So to get to know each other a little better I'm going to ask you all to answer this question: if you were an animal, what would it be? I'd be a cat, I think.
Cashier #1: A chinchilla. They're cute.
Cashier #2: A guinea pig, because they're awesome.
Cashier #3: A bird, so I could shit on anybody who tried to shit on me.
(long awkward pause)
Manager: Okay. That's a good answer too.
Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania
5PM So the Rumors on the Men's Room Wall Are True?
Manager: I've got an inch and a half I can stick in that hole.
Kansas
4PM Let's See If She Abandons the Kid in the Yogurt Section
Clerk to another, seeing woman walk in with screaming baby: A coat hanger could have fixed that problem.
Fergus
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: weenie
3PM I Majored in Query Studies at MIT
Coworker to another: These reports are look-upable on the web.
Braintree, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Hot Mess
2PM I Couldn't See the Air
Customer service rep #1: Is it raining?
Customer service rep #2: The ground is wet.
Customer service rep #1: But is the... air... wet?
Newton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Tom
1PM I'm Writing a Haiku in Its Honor.
Female coworker #1: What does buttermilk taste like?
Female coworker #2: I like buttermilk!
Female coworker #1: Does it give you the shits?
Piscataway, New Jersey
Overheard by: Tom
12PM Another Touching Office Quote
IT manager: So do you want to come and find me this afternoon? We can talk about that thing.
Receptionist: Sure, I'm having it a manicure at 2.30, we can do it after that.
IT manager: Okay, but won't you have to wait for your nails to dry?
Receptionist: Oh, am I going to have to touch something?
IT manager: No, don't worry, you won't have to touch anything.
London
England
11AM NewsFlash: Water-and-Shit Studies Becomes #1 Undergraduate Major!
Lawyer, seeking environmental expert: Yeah, I need a water-and-shit guy. I have the traffic expert already, at least.
Huntington, New York
10AM They're Canadian. Draw Your Own Conclusions.
Project manager to coworkers: You guys slow? (pause) No, seriously, are you guys running slow?
Waterloo
Ontario
Canadia
9AM I'll Never Understand Male Masturbatory Slang
Quality assurance employee: Well, I gotta go test some stuff.
Developer: Okay, hope your eye doesn't explode!
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: durp
5PM Smart Money Says Lottery Tickets
Overtly loud coworker: Oh, it smells good back here... Are you burning something?
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: Light one Up!
4PM From Home Depot's "Herbs in the Shape Of Former Presidents" Collection
Cubicle lady, about soap: I like the smell of lilac bush.
Westbury, New York
3PM Tonight on Clarissa Distills It All
Boss to employee: Vodka's supposed to be the best alcohol for you because it's clear. Like, it has less bad stuff in it.
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Everything You Need to Know About Chelmsford, Dear Reader
Shrill employee: What the hell? I did a search for Latin restaurants in the area, but all that came up was a Peruvian restaurant!
Chelmsford, Massachusetts
1PM Plan B Is to Work Here Forty Years and Then Die
Office girl #1: I like your ring!
Office girl #2: I love this ring! I wish it had super powers! Sometimes I wanna lick it, like a Ring Pop!
Evans, Colorado
Overheard by: Liaison
12PM Seems to Be a Common Mistake
Sales rep, about clients coming in later: Just so you know, one of them is deaf.
Secretary: Oh. Should we have printed some of the reports in braille?
Austin, Texas
11AM ...You Just Described My Uncle Walter
Middle aged CSR #1: Am I flashing or is it hot in here?
Middle aged CSR #2: It's not just you. I'm totally flashing, like a retard!
20-something CSR, laughing: You're flashing like a what?
Middle aged CSR #2: A retard. You know... Like those people who have nothing on underneath their trench coats, and they flash people. You know, those crazy people.
Aliso Viejo, California
10AM And Here's a Cute One With a Syringe
Customer: Do you have ornaments of cities?
Employee: Yes, over here.
Customer: I'm looking for Seattle, it will probably have the Space Needle on it.
Employee: Sorry, I don't see that. We have astronauts, though.
Christmas Store
Frankenmuth, Michigan
Overheard by: Anita
9AM ...As We Learned Yesterday.
CEO to purchasing manager: People are getting stupider. I can't sell fast enough to cover how much money they're wasting. Pay me to sit around and jerk off for eight hours, I'd do a much better job.
Orlando, Florida
5PM Translation: I Have a Life
IT gal: Well, unlike Bob, I'm not that dedicated. I don't look at this stuff on nights and weekends.
Kansas City, Missouri
4PM Career Tip: Never Picnic With Vultures
Office drone, after extremely serious meeting: We should all go on a picnic!
Downtown Los Angeles, California
3PM Our Workplace Is Fraught With Peril Since Grey's Anatomy Debuted
Nurse to paramedic pushing stretcher and IV pole: Would you like me to guide your pole?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Deena
2PM Mom's in Human Resources
Seven-year-old daughter on speakerphone: I saw a cute mother-daughter necklace at the store. It said "if daughters were flowers I'd still pick you." See, mom? I'm like a flower! I smell sweet!
Mother: Yeah, and when you die, I'll throw you away.
Pryor, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Danielle
1PM New Mexico's More Of a Movable Fiesta
Manager: You can FedEx it to him at the University of Albuquerque.
Coworker: You aren't going to drive it to him?
Manager: Drive from Mass. to New Mexico? No, I don't think so.
Coworker: New Mexico? Wow, is that near the old Mexico?
Waltham, Massachusetts
12PM Bookstore Cafés Cause Nothing but Confusion in Australia
Coworker: Would you like some tomato sauce with that muffin?
Customer: (blank look)
Coworker: Ah, shit.
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Alaska
11AM Did You Just Suggest That I Get Stoned?
Director: I haven't slept in 10 days!
Worker bee: Vickie has an amulet--try that.
Redmond, Washington
10AM Same Way You Like Women, Leroy
Secretary to intern: How does your cat like tuna? I mean, he's never been to the ocean before.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: I hate my desk
9AM Raise Your Hand If Your Physical Therapy Was Like This
Older lady: Get your filthy hand off me, you son of a whore!
Guy: You comin' back this afternoon?
Older lady: Yeah, I guess. You want me to?
Guy: Yeah, sure.
Older lady: Okay, then. See you later.
Catawba, Virginia
5PM Gesundheit!
Attorney, discussing potential vacation destinations: So, I was thinking Finland.
Paralegal: That's great. You know, one of my cousins spent a month in Iceland.
Attorney, exasperated: Iceland is way different from Finland: One's like an island, the other is like an isthmus.
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Overheard by: Betsy
4PM You Rented The Lake House AGAIN?
Project director: Okay. Let's cut to the cheese.
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: GottaGoNow!
3PM Oh, What the Hell
Boss: If it weren't inappropriate and illegal, I would hug and kiss you right now.
Assistant: (awkward laugh)
Los Angeles, California
2PM Whoa, Head Rush!
Customer's spawn: I hope we get change so I can get the pennies with Lincoln on them!
Bagger: Dude... All pennies have Lincoln on them.
Medina, Ohio
Overheard by: Foxtrot
1PM Thank Goodness I Keep an Emergency Hair-bow in My Purse!
Male college admissions rep at event: Wait. Do I need to be somewhere? Do I need to be doing something?
Female superior: You need to stand here now, and look pretty.
Male college admissions rep: Done.
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: it's like this all the time
12PM Just Ask Julie to Fax It to You.
New assistant: Where do we put the paper for the outgoing faxes?
Vancouver
Canadia
11AM Libi-D'Oh!
Female med student, yawning: Wow, am I tired!
Male med student: Oh, yeah, I'm really hot and bothered too!
(female med student stares)
Male med student: Oh, wait... That's not what you said, is it?
Female med student: No. That is not what I said.
Warren, Michigan
Overheard by: Emily
10AM Bloody Pagans Are Everywhere in Massachusetts
Supervisor at staff meeting: In our department we found snowflakes and icicles to be non-religious decorations.
Watertown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: offended by these decorations
9AM Leave Jay Leno's Chin Alone
Oblivious attorney: Ugh, it's just so big! It's disgusting!
Washington, DC
5PM And Jazz Hands
Coworker, on how to lobby: Finish the whole thing with "goddammit"!
Washington, DC
Overheard by: J-Ro
4PM Spoken Like Someone Who Hasn't Fully Analyzed "Sk8r Boi"
Coworker to new employee: Love the Avril Lavigne poster, Susan*. I had no idea you were such a fan!
New employee: Never missed a concert in the Midwest! Avril really speaks to me. Her songs are so profound.
Arrogant man in cube across: Oh, come on Susan! As a 40-something woman with bad style and three kids, what could a 18-year-old possibly teach you that is so profound? If you started wearing heavy black eyeliner and fishnets, then maybe I would believe you.
Edina, Minnesota
3PM Tends to Happen When Your Officemates Are a Bunch Of Animals
Vet: Is Amanda* upstairs?
Amanda*: No, I'm downstairs.
Vet: Oh, she is? Okay, hold on.
(vet goes downstairs)
Amanda*: Did that really happen?
Vet tech: I dunno. I want a beer.
Veterinary Clinic
Mahattan, New York
Overheard by: Vicksburg
2PM If That's Good Enough for Your Mom, It's Good Enough for Me
Cashier to bagger: My mom is picking me up because I can't drive until I find my glasses, I lost them and only have my contacts in.
Bagger: So? You can't drive with your contacts?
Cashier: My license says that I must wear corrective lenses!
Atlantic Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sharyn
1PM Every Marriage, in a Nutshell.
HR guy: So, I told him, "I am sorry that this incident ruined your Christmas." And he told me "you are not sorry!" So I tell him "at least I'm pretending to be sorry."
Manhattan, New York
12PM Close. So Close.
Boss: I need two Excedrin and a Pepsi, stat!
Coworker, trying to be helpful: How about some cheese and nerds?
Minneapolis, Minnesota
11AM Then What Are Those in That Bowl on Your Desk?
Client: Is your service free?
Salesman: No. Well, I guess it could be, but we don't live in the land of lollipops and candy canes.
Provo, Utah
Overheard by: Chris Lumo
10AM Or One Of Those Fictional Places, Like in Madagascar?
Redneck high school kid checking out campus: Guantanamo Bay? Is that one of the places the bugs attack in Starship Troopers?
UT Campus
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Flabbergasted Longhorn
9AM But I'd Rather Get My Raise in Cash
Assistant: I am not one to turn down free sex toys.
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
5PM Hey, Everyone Has Gaps in Their Knowledge
Sales rep #1: So can you get pregnant from your boyfriend accidentally ejaculating in you?
Sales rep #2, shocked: Uhhh... Yeah.
Sales rep #1: Crap. Well, if I'm not here later this week it's because I'm getting an abortion, okay?
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Still confused
4PM Is This Quote Any Good? Discuss.
Manager: How we doin'?
Sales rep: Good!
Manager: Good.
Sales rep: Sales are good.
Manager: Good!
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: Project Manager
3PM We're Totally Trying This at Home Later
Male coworker, after giving himself makeshift manicure using staple remover: So I guess I'm not too good at that.
Female manager: Are you bleeding? Well, suck on it before you get an infection... and stop touching yourself!
Male coworker, whimpering: Aaaww...
Female manager: Gross!
San Diego, California
Overheard by: that's why you pay people to do that...
2PM Since You've Already Told Me You Plan on Drinking the Water in Cancun
Loud chick: Why bother callin' it a vacation day when you can just call in sick?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
1PM Or Giving You a Nice Little Fanfare?
Office know-it-all: When an elephant's trunk is up, it's a good omen. When the trunk is down, it's a bad omen.
Cubicle mate: Isn't an elephant's trunk always down unless it's, like, screaming at you?
Chicago, Illinois
12PM But Not Impossible
Trainer to another: Well, after she threw up on me, it made it hard for me to kiss her afterwards.
Kentucky
11AM And the Judges Are So Judgmental
Officer #1: Yeah, man, I'm not going to pull someone over for talking on their cell phone, because I talk on my cell phone while driving.
Officer #2: For sure, I ain't gonna pull someone over for speeding, cause I speed all over this place.
Officer #3: Right, why would I pull someone over for drunk driving, when I'm always drunk.
Ventura, California
Overheard by: Chatty McSailor Mouth
10AM In a Vain Attempt to Distract Me
Worker: Sexual relations-wise, it's been a while.
Friend: Oh, really?
Worker: The last time was the Superbowl, cause I remember she blew me at halftime.
Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM In Case You Wondered What to Get for My Birthday
Team member: Hey, Kim, do you spell your name with an 'i' or a 'y'?
Kim: I spell it k-i, but I love k-y.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jodie
5PM Your Husband's a Good Sport to Let You Braid His Hair Like That
Loud office coworker in horizontal stripes: So I was always saying "I wish I had a doll that could do that. And that. And that. I want a doll that can do everything!"
Coworker, in low, creepy voice: And now you've made your own.
Victoria's Secret Home Office
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: chucky
4PM How America Felt for 8 Years
Male employee to boss: Your stupidity offends me!
Anacortes, Washington
Overheard by: Offended by his stupidity
3PM Which, Incidentally, I Also Put Down As My Name and Address
Registrant for conference to receptionist: This says we should list food allergies. I listed horses.
Severna Park, Maryland
2PM Scene from The Librarian III: Curse Of the Retirees
80-something man: Could you stop writing so hard? You're shaking the table.
60-something man: I can try, but I don't know what you expect me to do.
80-something man: I expect you to do more than try.
60-something man: Well, I expect you to stop making so much noise and talking to yourself!
80-something man: I can talk to myself if I want to!
60-something man: Well, I want you to shut the fuck up! Just shut the fuck up!
Orinda Public Library
Orinda, California
1PM We Work for the Government
Trainer: Doing a job correctly is usually better than doing it wrong.
Trainee: Are you fucking serious, bro?
Gunter Air Force Base
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: At least someone realizes it too
12PM They Let You Handle Drugs?
Customer to pharmacy tech: I don't want you. I want the guy with goatee. Where's the guy with goatee?
Pharmacy tech: Nobody here has gold teeth.
Los angeles, California
Overheard by: Don't have either one
11AM Our Commute Usually Turns Into a Sing Along
Guy from the backseat #1: Look at that guy rolling in the car next to us, his hair all slicked back and shit. That car says he makes some serious cash.
Guy from the backseat #2: I bet he's a manager.
Guy from the backseat #1: I bet he makes enough to score aaaalll the sluts and whores, cause that's what managers do.
Rancho Bernardo, California
Overheard by: I want to be a manager, too
10AM ...And Pronounced Us Husband and Wife.
Coworker: He hit a Shetland pony in the head with a fence post.
Titusvlle, Florida
Overheard by: Hoss
9AM Unintentionally Funny? You Decide!
Older IT sales guy: Years ago, I once sold to a porn company without even knowing it.
Younger IT sales guy: I bet porn companies would be great to work with--they've got so many IT needs!
Older IT sales guy: Not really. They really stiffed me.
Detroit, Michigan
5PM You're Not in Kentucky Anymore, Mary Alice
Female coworker: Have you ever had a crush on one of your cousins?
Male coworker, sarcastically: Yeah, my 12-year-old cousin is really hot.
Female coworker: No, I mean, it's just that they're so nice and cute and ... I just really love my cousins!
Male coworker: (blank stare)
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Jessica
4PM But Both Refer to Themselves in the Third Person
Office guy, complaining about his recent camping trip: Bears may do that in the woods, but Alex* does not.
Springdale, Arkansas
3PM But Now Everything's Capitalized!
Coworker #1: Are you posting time in the system?
Coworker #2: No.
Coworker #1: Well, I can't enter my time, it won't let me put any numbers in.
(coworker #2 walks over, looks at situation, presses num lock, walks away)
North Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Renee
2PM Two Terms Were Quite Enough, Thanks
Customer service girl: We're going to send you a new bush.
San Diego, California
1PM There's a Fucker Born Every Minute
Office drone #1: Yeah, I was totally born only five minutes after midnight.
Office drone #2: That's so much better than me, in the afternoon. Afternoon is boring. Hey boss, what time you were born?
Manager: Probably when angels started crying? How the fuck should I know? I wasn't born with a watch and cognitive thinking.
Columbus, Ohio
12PM Does He Go to the Bikini Car Wash and Interrupt Her Work?
Supervisor: I need your traveler in the system by 2.
Employee: Okay, I'll get on that after lunch.
Supervisor: Sounds good. (notices ass pressed up against window) And tell Nick his friend isn't allowed to bring him lunch anymore.
Rio Rancho, New Mexico
11AM Maybe I Should Go to France!
Coworker #1: How was your trip?
Coworker #2: I ate guacamole.
Coworker #1: Oh! I love guacamole!
Montclair, New Jersey
Overheard by: Crying Inside
10AM Translation: The Coffee Maker Scares Me
Male coworker #1: Did you make any coffee?
Male coworker #2: No, I didn't wear my skirt today.
Lansing, Michigan
9AM My Secret: I Haven't Showered in Weeks.
Office girl #1: You smell nice. What are you wearing?
Office girl #2: Deodorant.
Washington, DC
5PM Isn't That the Law in Maryland?
Female office worker to pregnant coworker: His mother said we should wait until we're older to have kids, but she's old. She's 40. I told her that we're 23 and 24. We're of child-bearing age. We're supposed to be having children.
Fleet Street
Baltimore, Maryland
4PM It's Always a Mistake to Outsource a Core Business Function
Loud female boss behind office door: Well, it's happened four times now. You obviously don't find me attractive anymore.
Boss' husband, on speakerphone: I don't control it! I simply submit requests!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM My Husband's Always on My Ass for That.
Coworker to another: They are just too hard. I guess I'm just anal about wrapping my wieners.
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Overheard by: Brent
2PM Didn't They Outlaw That in the Early 90's?
Short fat woman, entering elevator: Hi, Gary, how are you this morning?
Gary, sighing: Oh, I'm okay. And you?
Short, fat woman: Well... I just started jazzercise on Mondays, and it's kicking my ass!
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: the elevator
1PM When You Live in California, You Learn Spanish by Osmosis
Anglo coworker during meeting, loudly: Mi lapiz es muy grande!
Air Force Base, California
Overheard by: Joe
12PM And Uncle Fester? Rowr!
Cube rat, out of the blue: I don't understand why everybody made such a big deal out of the Addams Family being so weird. I would totally go live with them!
Tulsa, Oklahoma
11AM So That's Not What the Opera Is About?
Employee #1: It's okay, don't worry about it. Carmen is gonna get them eventually.
(long pause)
Employee #2: It's "karma," dumbass!
Hawthorne, California
Overheard by: thanks, carmen.
10AM Mr. Scott: I Dunno How Much More She Can Hold, Captain!
Semi technologically-challenged nurse practitioner: Everything is going to my draft box.
Aventura, Florida
Overheard by: Lizzo
9AM Psh, Like That's Hard to Get
Only female worker in office, to five males: Speaking of Hummers...
(everyone stops working and looks up)
Technician: You have our attention.
Malvern, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Were we?
5PM ...in Holy Matrimony.
Cube monkey #1: Will you take my bladder to the bathroom?
Cube monkey #2: Only if you take my colon.
Miramar, Florida
Overheard by: MKC
4PM Takes Three Tugs to Get Him Into It
Cube rat, describing boss: Boy, he sure has a big berth.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM The Only Jew in the Program. Ever.
Reviewer: They think their coach is the second coming of Jesus.
Partner: If Jesus was a football coach, he would have coached at Alabama.
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: bamalama
2PM Dr. Phil's Bitter He Didn't Come Up with This One
Receptionist on phone: Cupcakes are just muffins that accessorize.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM Sometimes We Stand Around and Put Our Hands Up to It, to Feel Its Heat
Employee #1: Is the new copier up and running yet?
Employee #2: It's been plugged in since Wednesday, but we're not using it yet. I think it's charging.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: On The Wrong Planet
12PM What Do You Think You're Eating?
Girl: I had a duck!
Group: (silence)
Girl: It died once.
Group: (silence)
Boy: Only once?
Girl: Yeah... Only once.
Bellingham, Washington
11AM And She's Part Mayan
Broker's assistant: What is today's date?
Current office manger: It's the 30th, according to Jennifer.
Gulfport, Mississippi
Overheard by: Office Manager In Training
10AM But First We Reduce Him to Tears With Cross-Examination
Messenger: Hey, I'm just the messenger.
Receiver: Do you know where the phrase "Don't shoot the messenger" came from?
Messenger: Cause they use to shoot the messenger.
Receiver: You know why they still have that saying? Cause we still shoot the messenger.
Lyndhurst, New Jersey
9AM We'll Also Hire a Chimp to Press Random Buttons, and See If That Helps.
Colleague, on phone to is help desk: Hi, I'd like to report that we haven't had access to the internet for two days now.
Help desk: Okay, we'll log it as an issue.
Colleague: What happens now?
Help desk: We'll report it to security to look at.
Colleague: And what will they do?
Help desk: They'll look at it.
Manchester, New Hampshire
5PM ...Using Duct Tape
Cube monkey #1: Who would've linked Paul McCartney and Renee Zellweger together?
Cube monkey #2: Kevin Bacon.
Las Vegas, Nevada
4PM Just Hold Still, Mr. Senator.
Cube rat #1: These nuts taste old.
Cube rat #2: What did you just say?
Cube rat #1: Nothing.
Detroit, Michigan
3PM Eventually the Boss Will Come Back from Vacation and Find Her in His Office
Lady screaming on cell in cubicle: And then I told him, "we are gonna go with that one!"
I know, it's like there's seven of us and we can't decide which nursing home to put mom in!
Chattanooga, Tennessee
2PM And the Workplace Dynamics Consultant Swore By It.
Coworker to another: The group sex didn't change anything.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM Amazing How Men Die Before Women Do
Female coworker #1: Yeah, I didn't come into work the other day because I was bleeding so bad, I mean I was in the bathroom every hour changing my pad.
Female coworker #2: I know, I bleed extremely heavily! I'm in there at least every 20 minutes.
Female coworker #1: At least I'm not like Patti*, she was bleeding like the Niagra Falls. When I'm bleeding all over myself, I just don't feel like working.
Cecil County, Maryland
12PM Does That Come with Itching and Peeling?
Woman on bus: You've gotta be careful in life and not let your mishaps turn into haps!
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Evan
11AM Too Late! Here's Your Gag.
Surveyor #1: Ray is top; I am bottom.
Surveyor #2: Uh...
Surveyor #1: Wait. that didn't come out right!
Rockville, Maryland
10AM You Wanted the Beef a La Mode, Right?
Lady in large party: How can you remember all of this?
Waiter: The longer I stand here, the less I remember.
Restaurant
Placerville, California
9AM So You Can Read It Aloud.
50-year-old female #1: Oh my god! You have to hear this! (reads entire e-mail aloud)
40 year-old female #2: Oh my god!
50-year-old female #1: I know!
40 year-old female #2: Oh my god!
50-year-old female #1: I'm forwarding it to you now.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: NoRest4TheWicked
5PM Makes Me Want to Bust a Click-and-Move
Suit #1: Yo, you tried that new Office?
Suit #2: What?
Suit #1: That new Microsoft Office 2008, 2009 or whatever.
Suit #2: Yeah.
Suit #1: That shit is hot!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: algernon
4PM I'm So Glad We Can Talk Like This.
Executive in meeting: Oh, you brought cold water?
Assistant: Yes, ice water.
Executive: Very nice! Where'd you find ice?
Assistant: In the freezer.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Christine
3PM Weirdest. Fortune Cookie. Ever.
Salesman: You can't beat a good piñata day.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: humanoid answering machine
2PM I Suppose Urine Is a Definitive Answer.
Office manager to coworker's dog who followed him into the office: Do you like this deal?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: I talk to animals too
1PM Hey, It Was Like That Before.
Lackey #1, holding paper trimmer: Hey, why don't you put your hand in here?
Lackey #2: Why would I want to put my hand anywhere your dick has been?
Western Australia
12PM As My Resume States, under "Hobbies"
30-something man: I tend to use the word "fab" a lot.
San Francisco, California
11AM Never Again Will I Hire Somebody with Their Cup-Size on Their Resume
Job super: You know, Abby*'s got big tits but she can be really thick sometimes.
Carlstadt, New Jersey
10AM Oh Look, Now I've Broken a Nail!
Young mother pushing baby carriage to old woman holding door for her: Oh, thanks. I think about how hard it must be for people in wheelchairs, but I think this is worse, because I always have so much to carry.
Kent, Ohio
Overheard by: elizabetz
9AM And If We Chilled the Cows...
Sales guy #1: I wonder what milk would taste like if the cow ate an orange.
Sales chick: Would a cow even eat an orange?
Sales guy #2: Oh, yeah, they'll eat the hell outta them!
Sales guy #1: I guess it would taste like a creamsicle... Mmm-mmmm.
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: I don't want to know how this started..
5PM You Need to Stop "Listening" to Your Cats.
Female coworker: Can I ask you a question?
AP clerk: I'm not allowed to answer questions anymore.
Female coworker: Never? Regardless of what the question is?
AP clerk: That's what they told me.
Deerfield, Illinois
4PM People Who Can Afford to Stay Home With Their Kids Don't Always Want to
Frustrated coworker, about daughter with object in her ear: I am not rewarding her for putting something in her body!
Tigard, Oregon
3PM In This Firm, Married Is Not the New Single
Female coworker #1: Wow, is that guy old?
Female coworker #2: Yeah.
Female coworker #1: I was wondering, since you were writing his will. He seemed all "grrrrrrr"'!
Female coworker #2: Yeah... He's married.
Utica, New York
Overheard by: Internet Meme
2PM And Maybe Some Lined Paper -- Why?
Supermarket guy #1: Do you have a pen?
Supermarket guy #2: No.
Supermarket guy #1: Where do you live?
Supermarket guy #2: What for? So you can come over anytime and borrow my pen?
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Timm D
1PM Boo Berry Cereal?
CSM, after customer has left: She smells like something from when I was little.
Lincoln Nebraska
12PM Not Until Casual Friday.
Young suit, yelling to self: You can't get caught without your pants.
Newcastle
Australia
11AM But Not the First Time I'd Touched a Joystick
Employee to another: And that's the first time I played Pac-Man!
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Doug
10AM When She Writes Emails, She Begins Them With "Hi, It's Kate..."
Attorney, leaving voicemail: Hi, this is Kate. I'm just returning your call about the project documents. Feel free to call me back at your earliest convenience. Best, Kate.
(hangs up, then screams) Ohmigod! I just said "best, Kate" at the end of a voicemail. Who does that? Who leaves voice mails like they're writing e-mails?!
Manhattan, New York
9AM ...Without Actually Reading It
Professor on phone: Do you know if Diane is right or left handed?
Office administrator: Ummm... I have no idea, why?
Professor on phone: Because I'm trying to figure out who left me this note.
Canberra
Australia
Overheard by: Tilla
5PM Cracker, You're Hired!
White female applicant taking computer test: Wait. My screen just went all Stevie Wonder.
Manager: Stevie Wonder?
Female applicant: You know... All black.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Seriously?
4PM I'm Really Looking Forward to Tomorrow
Male employee: I don't like doing it, but I like having it done to me.
Richmond, Virginia
3PM How to Make a Texan's Head Explode
Young female coworker: Don't take me seriously. I mean, seriously!
Austin, Texas
2PM You'll Just Have to Hunt and Kill Something First
Programmer #1: Oh, man, the PHP meet-up is at a TV shop.
Programmer #3: Yeah, Walt's TV.
Programmer #2: Do you think they have food there?
Programmer #1: I think they have TVs there.
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
1PM Oh, Honey
Oblivious sales rep to gay tech: Do you know how lucky you are, the only guy in here with all these women?
Waukesha, Wisconsin
12PM ...Here's a Telescope
Clueless customer: Hi, I'm looking for this book that I read a review about, I was wondering if you could help me.
Knows-the-drill employee: Okay, what's the title?
Clueless customer: I don't remember.
Knows-the-drill employee: Do you know who wrote it?
Clueless customer: No... I know that the book had a yellow cover, though.
Knows-the-drill employee: Okay, let's see what we can find here in yellow...
Mays Landing, New Jersey
11AM Those Kinds Of Blood Stains Take Weeks to Get Out
Overworked peon: I told Julia to take a box cutter to your jugular if she saw you come in.
Boss: That's not nice!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Soapnana
10AM Eventually You Just Get Sick Of Candy Hearts
Female cube dweller: They're livin' on love. That's all Mike* and I had our first year too!
Waynesboro, Virginia
9AM My Life Partner Just Likes Wearing Lipstick from Time to Time
Female client: I'll have to go over this with my partner.
Clued-out accountant: Oh. I didn't know you were a lesbian.
Female client: My business partner.
Toronto
Canadia
5PM Which Says, "Keeps the Office Neat and Tidy"
Girl wearing short skirt, sitting on exercise ball: Could you come by my desk and check to make sure you can't see... anything?
Girl wearing short skirt sitting on lady-like chair: Um... I guess that's in my job description.
Stillwater, Minnesota
4PM Reporters Always Ask Frodo the Same Stupid Questions
Air hostess to another: No, I would not have sex with an elf.
Raleigh, North Carolina
3PM Kindly Remain Upwind
40-something male office runner: I really like your smelly lotion.
20-something female office runner: Eh... thanks.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Laura
2PM Dude, If You Ever Find a Girl Who Likes Sports Bars, Marry Her
Male coworker: You're not a girl.
Female coworker: I'm feminine!
Male: You're feminine, but you're not a girl. You're not into all that girly shit.
Manhattan, New York
1PM While Eating Them, I Pretend to Be a Morbidly Obese Child
Cube dweller: You've never had a Lunchable? They're so fun!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: K
12PM Any Chance You've Got a Pair Of Clean Pants?
Employee to another: Hey, Michelle! I've made a mistake and I am trying to cover it up!
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: katnapoleon
11AM How You Know You Work in a Classy Office
Coworker, smelling vegetarian lunch: Eww! It stinks in here! Is that my burp or Scott's balls?
Fall River, Massachusetts
10AM No, She Says I Can Have All the Gay Friends I Want
Coworker to another, just back from honeymoon: Hey, that shirt looks like it actually fits. Did the missus pick it out for you? Did she make you go on a diet? Did you stop eating because you're depressed? (waits for an answer, gets none) Do you have to ask your wife for permission to talk to me?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Peezy
9AM At Least Until the Stock Market Goes Soft
Giggling girl in cubicle #1: Why can't I make it bigger?
Giggling girl in cubicle #2: This is so uncomfortable.
Giggling girl in cubicle #1: It gets better and better as it goes on.
Austin, Texas
5PM So Now It's All Sticky?
Female coworker: What did you bring me from El Salvador?
Make coworker: Nothing. I used all my money for sex.
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jaquanda
4PM A Chicago Blues Standard for Good Reason
Coworker #1: If being married is so bad, why are you still married?
Coworker #2: It's cheaper to keep her!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Althoff
3PM The Day Daniel Learned to Spit in Customers' Food
Female server: Hello my name is Samantha* and I will be your server today. Daniel* is in training, so do you mind if he helps out?
Female customer: No. You can double team me anytime.
Male customer: That's what she said.
Jackson, Tennessee
2PM So It Won't Matter If We Get Drunk and Trash the Place
Supervisor #1: Hey, want to go to a party? John Phillips* invited me to some KU thing.
Supervisor #2: Who's John Phillips?
Supervisor #1: He's an asshole.
Overland Park, Kansas
1PM It's a Better Investment for the Company Than Maternity Leave
Student: Is Sarah* out sick today?
Boss: No, she had to run some errands, she will be in shortly.
Worker: I knew it, she had to get the morning after pill!
(everyone laughs)
Boss to worker: Yeah, because you're so stingy with yours!
Carnegie Mellon University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12PM Especially You, Rico
Old drone: I'm not computer suave-y like you all...
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
11AM Space Whores and Their Willing Johns Was an Immediate Hit for the Sci-Fi Channel
Director of logistics on phone: They're all a bunch of space whores. And we're the willing Johns.
Cupertino, California
10AM Montreal Happened to Be Floating at the Time
CSR: You're from Canada?
Employee: Yep.
CSR: I love it there. I went to Montreal once. It was really nice. I haven't been to Quebec yet, though.
Montclair, New Jersey
9AM They Stupidly Distract Us from Working to Support Them
Cube neighbor, after getting off phone with daughter: Oh, my kids!
Warehouse employee, walking by: We should all kill our kids. Oh, wait, did I say that out loud?
Irvine, California
Overheard by: scared cube-dweller
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