Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
January 2010 Archives
5PM You Know That Woman in Your Office Everybody Hates?
Office girl #1: Obviously, I just brewed coffee, right? So of course she has to be the first to get some. Well, I walk into the kitchen and she's facing the freezer with the freezer door open, and she has the coffee pot up to her nose, and she's smelling it. I have no idea what the hell was going on.
Office girl #2: What the eff?
Office girl #1: Yeah... I'm thinking that maybe... No, no, I really have no idea.
Sacramento, California
4PM Often They Let Interpretive Dance Speak for Them
Reporter: People don't always speak in direct quotes.
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Well, Judging from the Way Your Cubicle Is Ablaze...
Office manager: So, what's beeping down here?
Maintenance guy: Well, we think it's the fire alarm. But we're not sure...
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: cubegirl
2PM We're Still Hammering Out the Payment Schedule
Male sales rep, about client meeting: So, I heard you were out with a bunch of guys.
Female sales rep: Yeah, four of them!
Male sales rep: Wow, you need a towel?
Omaha, Nebraska
1PM If Their Mother Let Them Know Who I Was
VP: Do you know I used the words "wiki" and "blog" in a speech yesterday? My kids would be so proud!
Renton, Washington
12PM Why's That, Consuela?
African-American CSR to team manager: Sir, this customer says that he wants to speak to someone else. He says he doesn't want to talk with a "nigger."
Team manager: Ask him how he feels about talking to a gay Asian man.
Round Rock, Texas
11AM So They Can Have a Nice Dark Place to Talk on Their Cell Phones
Guy in charge of newspaper, commenting on Avatar opening: People seem to be going back to movies now.
Manhattan, New York
10AM Grab That Riding Crop and I'll Show You
Girl coworker to old fashioned receptionist: Hey, I think you should remind Mike* that it's his week to do kitchen duty.
Old fashioned receptionist: I don't think I can do that. Men shouldn't have kitchen duty.
Girl coworker: But he's the bottom.
Old fashioned receptionist: What's a bottom?
Washington, DC
9AM Well I'm Not Sore, for One Thing.
Advisor #1: Wow, you're really almost done packing up your office. All the rainbow stuff is gone...
Advisor #2: I never had any rainbow stuff up. It was just colorful.
Advisor #1: True. It's like the party's over.
Advisor #2: Yup. The make-up's off. My hair's messed up... Can't find my underwear.
Advisor #1: Wait, how is that different from any other day?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Daniel
5PM Kinda Felt Bad When the SWAT Team Arrived at Her House, Though.
Old professor: My computer is so old! At least three people had it before me. Everything I write gets attributed to some secretary who left years ago. (pause) Maybe it's not a bad thing, considering the quality of what I write...
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: the IT guy
4PM And a Fifth Of Tequila
Customer: How do you guys get to New York? Like, which flights do I have to get on?
Ticket agent: (explains routes, flight numbers, arrival times, etc.)
Customer: Okay. I'd like a ticket to Chicago, please.
Edmonton International Airport
Canadia
Overheard by: Amused Agent
3PM Like Elderly People and the Less Educated
VP: Hey, come here... I've got some stuff I need you to manipulate.
Elmsford, New York
2PM Hopefully God's Too Busy Helping People Win Grammys to Care
Office girl: Praise god! Prayer works!
Born again Christian coworker: Hell yeah!
Office girl: Huh?
Born again Christian coworker: Sorry.
Aiea, Hawaii
Overheard by: Girl hiding behind her monitor
1PM Really Cut Into My Solitaire Time, But It Was Worth It.
Office lady: I kept the Crock-Pot under my desk and stirred the meatballs all day.
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Scared of the foot food
12PM How You Know Your Photographers Don't Have Enough Work to Do
Photographer #1: It doesn't need to be sucked that hard.
Photographer #2: Yes, it does.
Photographer #3: I am more about friction then suction.
Studio
Culver City, California
11AM Not Porn-- Just Hot and Sweaty Men Patting Each Other's Asses.
Marketing freak #1: It's like porn.
Marketing freak #2: Haha... Yeah. It is, I like it.
CEO's assistant: Porn?
Marketing freak #3: Yeah, Sports Illustrated. Have you seen it?
Itasca, Illinois
Overheard by: Walking through an Origy
10AM Had To--Soiled Myself
Minister: At least I know where I'm going when I die... Heaven.
Drunk worker: Yeah, I'm going there too.
Minister: You gotta change first.
Drunk worker: I know, I just did...
Jacksonville, Florida
Overheard by: Derrick McClure
9AM Ma'am, You May Need More Services Than I Can Provide
Operator: See that subject line? How am I supposed to know that that means?
Perturbed developer: You can open it up and read the e-mail.
Operator: Then I'd have to open multiple e-mails.
Perturbed developer: Yes, you can do that. You can open multiple e-mails.
Campus Office
St. Louis, Missouri
5PM I Shouldn't Need a Fork to Consume It.
Boss: Who made the coffee this morning?
Underling, defensively: Why?
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
4PM And Thailand Laughed So Hard a Roll Came Out
Coworker #1: So, what is a Thai roll?
Coworker #2: Well, Thailand is a country...
Coworker #3, laughing: Oops, I just farted...I laughed so hard a fart came out.
Bethpage, New York
Overheard by: Gette
3PM Now Tell Me the Account Number.
Exec, yelling over speakerphone: Michelle, what's my PayPal password?
Michelle: Michelle2.
Exec, still yelling: Michelle2?
Michelle: Yep.
Manhattan, New York
2PM ...And I've Been Smoking Out.
Supervisor: How was the soup the clients brought?
Worker: Didn't you get any?
Supervisor: I had a lot of work and by the time I got there it was sublimed.
Worker: "Sublimed"?
Supervisor: Yeah, I used the wrong word. That happens a lot when I'm stressed off.
Culver City, California
1PM Angelina Jolie Finally Breaks Down.
Boss to office: I don't even want you guys, I just want pets.
Berkeley, California
12PM Oh, You Mean the Fruity Kind?
Peon: Oh, you're going downstairs? Can I get a fag yogurt?
Manager: A... what?
Peon: A fag yogurt. (pause) Well, it's spelled f-a-g-e but we pronounce it the other... way. It's kind of... funny. (long pause) Am I fired?
Manhattan, New York
11AM So Definitely Not the Psychedelic-Swirl Sheets?
Worker bee #1: If only the sheets weren't green...
Counselor: Maybe blue sheets?
Worker bee #2: What's wrong with green? They've been green sheets for years! You could leave tomorrow and we'd be stuck with pink sheets!
Worker bee #1: No, I don't like pink, they wouldn't be pink. Also, where am I going?
Worker bee #2: I don't know!
(pause)
Worker bee #1: Maybe something sassy...
Counselor: Well, I'm feeling lightheaded now.
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: student worker
10AM And the Teeth to Chew It With.
Guy #1: Man, I wish we had one of those things. You know, you put money in and food comes out?
Guy #2: Vending machine?
Guy #1: Yeah. Right.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Scott
9AM Why Living for Your Job Is Pointless
Coworker #1: Do you know where Chris is? Is he still alive?
Coworker #2: Who?
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Ali
5PM You're Turning Violet, Violet!
Peon: Oh my god! Who made the coffee?
Secretary: I did. What's wrong with it?
Peon: This stuff is like liquid crack!
Secretary: You're such a sissy. You added half a cup of blueberry creamer!
Peon: Seriously, I think I'm having chest pains. Call 911!
Bangor, Michigan
Overheard by: Love my coffee
4PM I'm Taking It Global!
Manager: So, you're still doing the panda.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Animal Lover
3PM Don't Forget I Graduated from Duke
Female coworker, showing toy pig to little girl: Hey, look, this is a kissing pig. Have you ever been kissed by a pig before?
Little girl: No.
Female coworker: I have.
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Michele
2PM What Is It With Dentists?
Dentist to young female patient: I'm sorry, I ripped my glove.
Young female patient: Good thing it wasn't a condom!
Connecticut
1PM And I Don't Think That's How They Get Snakeskin Boots
Intern #1: Ew, skin falls off!
Intern #2: Leprosy's no joke, you guys.
Fashion Magazine
Manhattan, New York
12PM Are You As Turned on As I Am?
Boss to client worried about the stock market: I ride it up, I ride it down, I pull it out, it goes up, now I'm chasing its tail.
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: A little disgusted
11AM Clerk: What Do I Know About the Geography Of Australia?
Older woman to employee: Italy is a country in Rome, right?
Barnes & Noble
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: kristen
10AM I Think We'll Both Be Disappointed
Coworker, looking for food: Can I go through your drawers and find something to snack on?
Englewood, Colorado
9AM Nebraska? Agreed.
Woman in cubicle, after chatting for half an hour: Wow. What a waste of time and resources.
Nebraska
5PM Like We Do to Welcome New Employees
Loan officer, groaning: What are we going to do with this guy?
Processor: We could always put a dead hooker in his trunk.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Nikki
4PM Like Ponies and Horses.
Female manager: So the guy said that's why they leave traps for mice, but not rats.
Female coworker: I thought mice grew up into rats.
St Petersburg, Florida
3PM That's Your Answer to Everything.
Female coworker #1: Stop pouting. That might be appropriate behavior with a sexual partner, but it isn't appropriate among your coworkers.
Female coworker #2: If I offer you sexual favors, would that make it okay?
Manhattan, New York
2PM In the Really Ghetto Strip Clubs, They Wear Post-Its.
Manager: Do you have any pasties?
Office girl: What?
Manager: Pasties. You know, to write a note on.
Office girl: You mean a Post-it? Pasties are what strippers wear over their nipples.
Manager: God bless strippers.
Costa Mesa, California
1PM ...While Nuzzling the Soft Skin Behind Your Ear With My Nose?
Female cube dweller to another: That's a cute shirt! Can I touch it?
Santa Fe Springs, California
Overheard by: Huh?
12PM Like Push Them Into the Shape Of a Swan?
Son to mom: Who are the Harlem Globetrotters?
Mom: They're the guys that do tricks with their balls.
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Super Bob
11AM Might Have Some Decent Drugs, Though.
Coworker: I'm going home late tonight. My wife just went to the dentist and she's going to be a pain.
Santa Clarita, California
10AM Maybe-- Let's Examine the Case Law
Corporate suit: Hi, is my attorney here?
Young receptionist: No, sir, she's on maternity leave.
Corporate suit: Maternity leave? Did she have a baby?
Young receptionist: Yes, sir, she did.
Young receptionist to paralegal: Doesn't "maternity leave" mean you have a baby?
Law Office
Kansas City, Missouri
9AM Dude, Do Not Make the "Awkward Turtle" Gesture
Coworker #1, standing at urinal: What's up dude, I was just thinking about you!
Coworker #2, entering bathroom: Oh, that's creepy.
Coworker #1: Well, uh... Yeah, I guess it is.
Santa Barbara, California
5PM Travis Got His Wish When His Reserve Unit Was Activated
Suit at after work cocktail function, checking watch,sighing, muttering to himself: I would rather be in Iraq.
Walnut Creek, California
Overheard by: bereccathewaitress
4PM Unless I'm Getting Some Really Nice Jewelry Out Of It
Guy intern: So what do you think about girl on girl?
Girl intern #1: I think a tongue is a tongue.
Guy intern: Hmmm? Okay--whatever floats your boat! (to girl intern #2) So what do you think about girl on girl?
Girl intern #2: I think my boat needs to be floating before a tongue is a tongue.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: angie c
3PM Why It's Unwise to Hire Relatives.
Boss: Do you live to give me shit everyday?
Employee: No, but that's a great question!
Boss: Alright, let's just put our cards on the table.
Employee: Can you beat a full house?
Bellevue, Washington
2PM Probably Best to Let Your Boss Win the Fritter Contest
Office girl: Ha-ha! Mine's bigger than yours! I win!
Male boss: You wish it was bigger. Nothing can beat this.
Dalton, Georgia
1PM Hah! You Said "Insert"!
Girl office worker, pointing to three-ring binder: Oh! You have a pretty purple one!
Male coworker: Go ahead and take it.
Girl office worker: Oh, it?s too small. I need a big pretty purple one.
Male coworker: Insert your own joke here.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM That's Kind Of the Point Of Our Show, Vanna.
VP: You are just naming random alphabetic letters.
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM I Love Visiting My Accountant!
Worker bee: So are you making a spectacle of yourself?
IT guy: It's going to be a picnic, a zoo, and a circus all in one.
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: chaosd
10AM Things Get Ugly Outside the Walls Of Troy
Office lady #1: I like your balls. (points at sweater)
Office lady #2: Thanks, I finally got some.
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: wish I had some
9AM For a Uniform Green, You Have to Water Both Sides Of Chia Customers
Boss on phone: We had them over a barrel, and now they want to test the waters and see if it's greener on the other side.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
5PM They're the Only Thing That Gets Me Through Those Commercials
Woman #1: I love Lean Cuisine.
Woman #2: Me too! We should be in commercials for them.
Woman #1: Yeah! We really should.
Woman #2: Know what else I would be in commercials for?
Woman #1: What?
Woman #2: Epidurals. (walks away)
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Steph
4PM ...If You Lost About 30 Pounds.
50-something man: Well, I have to tell you: for a woman in her 50s, you still look great.
50-something woman, flattered: Yeah?
50-something man: Oh, yeah. If we weren't both married, and you didn't work for me, I'd definitely try to nail ya.
Westbury, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
3PM I'll Just Use the Toaster and Hope for the Best
Office manager, heating up lunch: "Just add water and microwave for four minutes." No, that has too many directions.
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Confused
2PM It's an Industry-Wide Problem
IT manager, asking about IT ticketing system: So, do either of you use heat often?
IT lady: I'm in heat a lot.
Kansas City, Missouri
1PM The Meth Addiction Played a Small Part, Too.
Recently promoted office worker to supply clerk, as the latter leaves a presentation: No wonder you didn't pass high school
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Blondie
12PM ...Without Taking Out His Trash
Building super: Never ride the warlock's steed.
Vancouver
Canadia
11AM It Was Butt Cleavage, Too
Attorney to older male clerk: Remember, they have to be issued before April!
Female paralegal to older male clerk: You're gonna have to show cleavage at the court!
Older male clerk: I tried that once; they took eight weeks!
Female legal assistant, muttering: There's your mental image for the rest of the day!
Law Offices
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Cubed Up Nearby
10AM Pen Not Working Again?
Female coworker: I will break you. I will bend you right over this desk.
Alexandria, Virginia
9AM Care for a Chewable Pepto-Bismol?
Office chick: Welcome to imports. Please enjoy the music while you slowly lose your fucking mind.
Guy: I know. I have a bad feeling about this.
Office chick: Yeah... I usually wake up with that.
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM You May Be Using It Right Now and Not Know It
Boss, giving presentation: Chances are most of you in this room may or may not use this form. (everyone nods)
Helena, Montana
Overheard by: second in command
4PM Plus the White Hood Is So Slimming
Indian coworker: I'm not a racist, it's just a culture thing.
New Jersey
Overheard by: Lainey
3PM Well, I Like Flicking Thumbtacks at Your Neck
Cube rat #1: Hey, is that light bothering you? It's driving me crazy.
Cube rat #2: No, it's not.
Cube rat #1: Really? I can't stand it.
Cube rat #2: Yeah, I know, that's why I like it.
Cincinnati, Ohio
2PM And I Like to Apply That Philosophy to My Employees
Office girl to another: When you boil it down, all babies really need are titties and diapers.
Houston, Texas
1PM And "Go Back to Mexico!" Could Be Interpreted in a Variety Of Ways.
Boss on phone, trying to dig himself out of a hole: I've been straight and honest and very clear and precise in what I say. I am very careful and think about what I say before I let it come out of my mouth, except this one time, but it went over everybody's head, so I don't think they noticed.
University
Maine
12PM And the Masturbating Off the Stage Entirely, Please.
Art director: Let's keep the spit in the shadows.
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
11AM Lawyers Can't Keep Themselves from Following a Line Of Questioning
Office lady #1: What are you bringing tomorrow?
Office lady #2: Muffin tops.
Office lady #1: What are those?
Office lady #3: Uhhhh... the tops of muffins.
Office lady #1: Where from?
Birmingham, Alabama
10AM The Kids Were Playing in Them Again
Intern: I've found the body bags!
Greenville, South Carolina
9AM It's Totally Worth Getting Fired to Show It to You
Male in next cubicle, about a scar: I have one, but it's under my pants.
Female work bee: Well, let me see it. (pause) Wow, that's huge!
Male: I know, I've had it since I was little.
El Paso, Texas
Overheard by: Daniel
5PM Eventually Bruce Willis Realized They Couldn't Hear Him
Coworker #1 to coworkers #2 and #3, about their attire: You guys are opposites today. Actually, you cancel each other out. You're, like, invisible! (looks around) Wh... Wh... Where'd they go?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: what a spectacle...
4PM Ooh, and Some Scented Marker Pens?
Government employee to admin: Do we have any vanilla folders up here?
Admin: Let me check. No more vanilla folders. We'll have to order some more.
Department of Justice
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Tasty Office Supplies
3PM Dabbing That Beer Behind My Earlobes Really Did the Trick
Female with short cropped hair, dressed like a man: All the men here act like they haven't seen a woman in 25 years... They just keep staring.
South Michigan
2PM Indiana's Right-to-Life Law Doesn't Extend to Adults
Boss: Carl! It's a good thing you aren't a dog or I'd have put you down by now!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: BFScollegegirl
1PM Tonight I'm Hoping to Die
Hippie coworker: I was hoping to get sick today, but nothing happened. I didn't want to go into work.
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM The Process by Which the Chinese Bought Our PC Division
Cubicle dweller: What exactly is "squirming"?
IBM
Austin, Texas
11AM Dude, You're the Worst Optimist Ever
Student employee: A girl lost her feet on a roller coaster at Six Flags.
Employee: At least she didn't lose her pants.
Towson, Maryland
10AM Nor Did I Wish To
Female 30-something coworker: I know after my c-section, I never got my feeling back down there.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: confused by those parts
9AM "Except"?
Office worker on phone: Sharice* is the ultimate fly girl. Except for getting arrested in Miami.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Class Warrior
5PM The Doughnut Holes Are Especially Painful
Fat manager: I'm sweating Diet Coke and doughnuts.
Charlottesville, Virginia
4PM "Making a Sandwich," You Say?
Customer, looking at a damaged mobile home: How did that happen?
Mechanic: The guy put it on cruise control and went into the back to make a sandwich.
Repair Center
England
Overheard by: Rob
3PM I Had No Idea They Were Like a Religious Commitment
Cube rat #1: Just buy your damn cereal! Order it and it'll be here in days.
Cube rat #2: And the Honey Bunches of Oats truck is right across the street.
Cube rat #3: I'm just too lazy to even go down there.
Cube rat #1: I have Raisin Bran and Corn Pops at home.
Cube rat #3: I haven't had pops in literally five years.
Cube rat #1, angrily: What?
Cube rat #3: I have nothing against the pops. I just haven't had them.
Cube rat #2: Gotta have my pops.
Cube rat #1, singing: Pops are money!
Reston, Virginia
Overheard by: Carly
2PM We'll Have to Hire Tiny Men with Orange Cones
Frantic manager, unpacking after move: We have to get all the computers set up asap. Where are all the e-mails going to land?!
Manhattan, New York
1PM The EMTs Got So Distracted, They Dropped Me Twice
HR manager: Why didn't you hire Ashley*?
General manager: Well, Mary* in shipping said that the girl was too good looking. She'd be a distraction to the other employees.
HR manager: Oh, that's nonsense.
General manager: Well, I think that was mainly my fault. When she walked past, I snapped my neck checking her out.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: The good-looking girl in the office
12PM But How Do You Like Living in a Shoe?
Blonde office bee: How's the apartment hunt going?
Brunette office bee: Not great. You know how stressful it is when you've reached the point where you absolutely have to find something?
Blonde office bee: Definitely. That's how I was the day that we went to Moncton and it wasn't until we went to the last store that I found a decent pair of black shoes.
Brunette office bee: Yeah... You've got it alright.
Prince Edward Island
Canadia
Overheard by: Confounded
11AM You've Got Spinach Between Your Teeth
Boss, returning from magazine photo shoot: I'm a star!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: soon to be leaving this
10AM Life Hasn't Been the Same Since We Started Watching Porn at Work
Office girl: Are you looking for something to unscrew?
Guy holding drill: No, the reverse.
Rocklin, California
9AM Tonight on Discovery's Dirty Jobs
Employee #1 to boss: Oh, what the fuck?! It smells like shit up there!
Boss, laughing: You farted!
Employee #1: No, I did not!
Employee #2: Duuude! Some kid just shit on the carpet!
Boss: No! Shut the fuck up!
Employee #1: Oh, come on! Two months ago some kid pissed on the carpet, and now we got some fucker who shit on the carpet?!
Employee #1: He really shat?
Employee #2: He had diarrhea or something.
Los Angeles, California
5PM Why Gay Porn Stars Are So Healthy
Gay hairstylist: But people who have anal don't get prostrate cancer...
Manager: They only get hemorrhoids.
Gay hairstylist: That's true, after a while it looks like a cauliflower. But, anyway, we do not get prostate cancer, because the cock acts like a massage therapist.
Manager: Riiiiight!
Sao Paulo
Brazil
4PM They're All Over Me Lately
Coworker #1: Did you hear about that cat that predicts people's deaths?
Coworker #2: Yep, scarrrry.
Coworker #1: I love cats.
London
Ontario
Canadia
3PM What Do You Think They're Saying to Him?
(phone rings)
Associate #1: What's the deal with the ringing phone?
Associate #2: Do you think we're supposed to answer it?
(phone keeps ringing)
Associate #3: What if it's not for us? What do we say?
Associate #1: Who do you think they're calling for?
(assistant runs in from next office and answers)
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM Also, Could We, Like, Not Get Knifed in the Hallways? Thanks.
Disgruntled teacher: Well, we need advance notice when the file server's going to be down, especially when we work on final exams and stuff.
Principal: Duly noted.
Tall teacher: And ignored.
Hancock, New York
1PM The Really Busted Ones Get Turned Into NYC Subway Cars
Office girl: I mean, you've gotta wonder what happens to old planes. They send 'em to third-world countries.
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Whereas I Only Sleep With Men Recreationally
Queer peon: You need to shave.
Scruffy suit: Shaving's for homos!
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Not Homo
11AM Except That We'll Need a Lightning Rod and the Old Clocktower
Repair tech: Did you happen to get any details about that equipment not working?
CSR: Why would I? Look, if the client tells me the flux capacitor is broken, I'm not going to know what that means.
Olathe, Kansas
10AM Why Engineers and Writers Need Each Other
Writer: I'm really bummed that my boss is leaving, and I think everyone in the group is going to quit.
Engineer: I can't think of anyone else from downstairs who is leaving. But there have been a lot of defects.
Writer: That, and defections.
Engineer: What's the difference?
Alpharetta, Georgia
9AM I Also Get a Neat Little Electric Shock
Blonde office drone: There's this plug that doesn't seem to go to anywhere, but when I pull it out from the wall thing, my desk lights turn off... I wonder why that is?
South Autin, Texas
5PM Do We Even Want to Know?
Office drone #1: Tissues! Tissues!
(hysterical laughter)
Office drone #2: Get a mop!
Office drone #1: Oh, my head! Migraine! What's up, Brazil?
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: whaaaaaat just happened
4PM So We Weren't Supposed to Show Up Naked?
President: Yeah, we took that picture after we went to that stupid place in New York. Remember that?
CEO: Oh yeah, that place... That sex place!
Marketing coordinator: You mean the Museum of Sex?
President: God, yes! You've been there?
Marketing coordinator: Yeah... It was really kind of cool.
CEO: No, no, no, it was bo-ring. There were all these pictures, and words, and art...
Marketing coordinator: Oh, I see your confusion... That was the museum part.
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Not Surprised
3PM Your Answer Will Guide My Follow Up Questions
Coworker: I got rear-ended over the weekend!
VP: In your car?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: twoferrets
2PM And He's Really Abusing Those Balls.
Apathetic nurse: Yeah, we've got one more patient and he's back there playing.
Jealous nurse: What? Who's he playing with?
Apathetic nurse: What are you talking about?
Jealous nurse: What are you talking about?
Apathetic nurse: Ping pong.
Jealous nurse: Oh. I thought you meant something else.
Apathetic nurse: No.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
1PM I Was Happier When This Was an All-Idiot Company
Manager #1, waiting for elevator: He said it was intermittent.
Manager #2: He said it was what?
Manager #1: You know, like in her mittens.
Manager #2: Oh, in her mittens.
Manager #1: Yeah, mittens. (makes lobster claw motions with hand)
Manager #2: I never understand a word that comes out of his mouth.
Middleton, Wisconsin
Overheard by: The Receptionist
12PM The Most Exciting Thing That's Ever Happened in Charlotte, NC
Girl #1, walking into the office: Boys! Sheesh!
Girl #2: What's going on?
Girl #1: The guys are all out there looking at the hole.
Girl #2: What hole?
Girl #1: The guy came to dig up the bushes by the driveway.
Girl #2: Oh, yeah? I didn't even notice they were gone when I pulled in...
Girl #1: They just did it.
Girl #2: In the half-hour I've been here?
Girl #1: They had a big machine that just yanked them up.
Girl #2, moving to front door and looking for hole: Oh, yeah? Hmm...
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Okay, I'm Listening. Go On.
Grocery store clerk: What is this?
Customer: It's a cucumber.
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: The Natural EMP
10AM How to Get Hungry Sarah* to Go Off on You
Coworker #1: I cannot wait for lunch.
Coworker #2: Do you want something from the vending machine?
Coworker #1: No, I want like food-food.
Coworker #3: Uh, what's "food-food", Sarah*?
Coworker #1, dumbfounded: Um... Like food that's filling. Not just chips or something.
Coworker #3: Oh, like chicken?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: also dumbfounded
9AM You Got Me Arrested Last Saturday
Young son to dad: I love you, dad. (goes over and gives him a hug)
Dad: I told you to get away from me!
Roosevelt Field Mall
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: Reena
5PM And Are Experiencing Vertigo.
Coworker: They've done a complete 360 on this project.
Virginia
Overheard by: SexKitten
4PM Naming Him 'Hitler' May Have Been a Mistake
Intern #1: Yeah, well... my dog isn't like the nicest person ever.
Intern #2: Yeah... Mine isn't either.
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: still wondering if they were serious.
3PM But a Few Hours on the Stairmaster Will Flatten That Right Out.
Office working bee to another: Cameron* does have a bubble problem.
Monrovia, California
Overheard by: MrQOD
2PM What? You Thought I Wouldn't Notice?
Manager at IT training: For this project we're going to need buy-in from all of you.
Other managers: We agree.
Manager: Because every time we try to do a project like this, you buy-out right away.
McGill College
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: IT Trainer
1PM Only the Quality Ones.
Newspaper reporter interviewing designer about home design: So this might sound like a silly question, but are mirrors made of glass?
Tampa, Florida
12PM ....E.
Target employee: We need a mop.
Cashier #1: They need a what?
Cashier #2: A mop. Hello-o! Mop! M-o-p-p.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: had to hold back from poking her in eye with mop.
11AM Every Hour on the Hour
Admin #1, screaming: I'm toothless! I'm toothless! My bridge fell out. It fell under my desk!
Admin #2 to admin #3: We can only hope it was her front teeth.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: hellbitch
10AM Gay Guys Can Get Away with Anything.
Male attorney to female legal assistant going through files on the floor: That's what I like to see, a woman working on her knees.
Elmhurst, Illinois
Overheard by: Joanie
9AM I Told You That Was a Crappy Name for a Football Team
Suit on cell: The fog is coming. The fog. I can see it. The fog is coming. The fog.
Oakland, California
5PM Christmas at the Playboy Mansion
Admin #1, assembling Christmas tree: It's fine, it just needs to be fluffed.
Admin #2: Well, I designate you the official office fluffer.
Admin #1: That's my job at home, too. Making sure it's all fluffed and full.
Fontana, California
4PM I Can't Tell When You're Being Ironic Anymore
Coworker #1, after mayoral election: So, did you vote yesterday?
Coworker #2: For what, American Idol?
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Voter
3PM And I Didn't Even Know She Smoked!
Office drone to coworker: She had a very busy weekend, but what she was most excited about was the sausage party!
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Why I Wear Earphones at Work: Explained.
20-something small-town girl to co-workers: Do rabbits breastfeed?
(coworkers are silent)
20-something small-town girl: And cats? Do cats even have nipples? I've never noticed.
Saskatchewan
Canadia
1PM I Evidently Received Some Misinformation from the Voices in My Head
File clerk #1: How dare you call me lazy!
File clerk #2: What?
File clerk #1: You said I was lazy on the phone!
File clerk #2: I did not! I said you were crazy! Not lazy!
File clerk #1: Oh, okay, I am sorry!
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM What Do You Mean "You Can Pay for It There"?
40-something office worker: I couldn't get a hold of my husband this morning, he's in China, but he's not black or a rich nerdy white guy, so I know he's not getting any while he's there.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: eesh
11AM If Grammar Worked Like The Price Is Right
School district superintendent: I underget what you're saying...
Central Texas
10AM This Pretty Much Says It All.
Coworker: I want to get in the Christmas spirit, but I just can't afford it.
Jacksonville, Florida
9AM Debbie Does Wieners Doesn't Sound Hot at All
Office drone to receptionist: Debbie asked me to make sure her wieners didn't get too hot, and that meant I had to touch them!
Denver, Colorado
5PM Promises, Promises.
Designer to sales rep, about ad consultation: Do you want to do it with me right now?
Sales rep: You can do me right now? I'll just go downstairs and get my stuff.
Designer: The room is free, so we'll have no problem getting it in.
Scarborough
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: m00nwater
4PM Married People Get All the Workplace Benefits
Supervisor: Now, you will never truly experience hallway sex until you're married.
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
3PM Delightful Talking to Someone Who Takes the Time to Inquire
Field claims manager: Hello? (pause) My cookies taste just fine, thank you!
Brentwood, Tennessee
2PM I'm Ablaze at Both Ends, If You Must Know
Female coworker: What is that?
Male coworker: Spicy beef.
Female coworker: Is it spicy?
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: She didn't look that stuipd
1PM Sounds Like Fuzzy Logic to Me, Ingrid.
Woman in bathroom: Smell that peach! You know it's clean!
Pflugerville, Texas
12PM Hello, Dream Job
Boss: Well, after the truckers release their load, they need their hoses to be blown down.
Female intern, trying not to laugh: Hmm, well, that does make sense...
Calgary
Canadia
11AM Dad's Retirement Plan Involves Armed Robbery
Lady in cube on phone: Hey, where's a good place to buy dad a new holster for his .38? (pause) No! I got him bullets last year!
Aliso Viejo, California
10AM Is That a Hint?
Colleague to accounts payable admin, regarding petty cash tin: You'll be pleased to know I'll be keeping my box in my drawers from now on.
Brighton
England
Overheard by: Sorry, what?
9AM The Bigotry Isn't As Shocking As Nostalgia for Albany
Partner #1: Now we'll have to kiss that Jew bastard's fat ass all day long.
Partner #2: What Jew bastard?
Partner #1: Our fucking kike client, that's who!
Partner #2: We should've stayed in Albany, where we could tell those Jew bastards where to go.
Partner #1: Yeah, those were the days alright.
Manhattan, New York
5PM Without Huffing Cough Syrup?
Coworker, about iPod: So, you put in the headphones and you hear music?
Colchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: MixteryMike
4PM Learn How to Spell.
Customer service rep: Do you spell that with a "k" or with a "c"?
Customer: With a "k", like "cancer".
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: That's so wrong
3PM Um, All I Asked Was "What's RAM?"
IT server guy on cell: Yeah, it'll get really huge, and it'll stay like that for awhile...
Santa Clara, California
Overheard by: braingauis
2PM If We Get Caught Standing under Them Together, You Have to Teabag Me.
Office dweller: Hey, why do you have nuts hanging above your door?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
1PM Your Soda's Probably Gay, Honey
Oblivious female coworker trying to drink soda through a straw: I think it's broken. I keep sucking and sucking, but nothing comes out.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
12PM ...So He Can Freelance
Office girl to cube mates: I didn't talk to my fiance at all last night, he was harvesting organs. Apparently they just go in and start yanking like five minutes after somebody dies. Okay, well, now I'm going to go buy him a gun.
St Louis, Missouri
11AM Perhaps the Most Serious Of All
Librarian #1: He's getting married in September. I guess it's pretty serious.
Office worker: Of course it's serious if they're getting married!
Librarian #2: Well, he could be forced into it. Maybe it's an arranged marriage!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
10AM My Lawyers Said I Needed to Add That.
Coworker on phone: Just because you're Egyptian doesn't mean everyone is out to kill you. (pause) It's just me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that you're Egyptian.
Westboro, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I work with a serial killer
9AM It's Basically Like Pre-Natal Vitamins.
Receptionist on phone, about sister's recent miscarriage: It's because she's a pill-popper. And she still smokes weed. The methadone was okay, though, because a lot of pregnant women do that.
Springfield, Massachusetts
5PM Librarians Often Hone Their Skills With Eighties References
Reference librarian to another: Bitch! You da rock lobster!
Charleston County, South Carolina
Overheard by: I wish I had heard the first part of this conversation...
4PM You Should Just Ignore These Knee Pads
Boss: Do you have any gum? I smell like tuna.
Secretary: Yes?
Boss: Thanks, I don't understand why I smell like tuna, I haven't eaten any today...
Reston, Virginia
3PM Wait-- You Got Your Kids Hand Sanitizer?
Worker, rushing into boss's office: Guess what I just got the kids for Christmas! It's hand sanitizer for kids and it's called "cooter killer."
Boss: (stares)
Worker: I mean, "cootie killer"!
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
2PM If That's Slang for His Penis, I Officially Quit.
Book lady: Attention staff, a customer needs assistance with nostalgia.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Autumn
1PM And Deleted the Text That Went With Them
Word processor: Your buddy Jonah* changed all the bullet points to smiley faces.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: sara n.
12PM I'd Hate to Hear This Guy's Dirty-Talk
Drafter on phone: Um, ya, give me a second and I can put it up on the screen... (sighs) Oh, there it is... Almost up there... That's better.
Central Point, Oregon
11AM The First Rule Of the Genital Garage Is You Do Not Talk About It at Work
Production manager: I'm sorry, but Brad Pitt in Fight Club? That was the best he looked--with those abs that you didn't even know existed.
Editor: Like that eight ab right above his genitals?
Boss: Unlike my penis canopy?
Editor: Which shields it from sunlight and keeps it dry in the rain.
Brewster, New York
10AM Heh, You Said "Meat Order"
Bossman, loudly: I need three large boxes of navels, shipped out tomorrow.
Office peon: Ew... bellybuttons. That's gross. So, is that a meat order, then?
Hill Country, Texas
Overheard by: front desk of the fruit shippers
9AM Cutting and Pasting Is So Eighties
Old man on computer and phone: Oh, I love dragging and dropping!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: adele works with septugenarians.
5PM What's More Fun Than Snow Golf?
Customer: Do you have any balls?
Golf pro: What kind of balls are you looking for?
Customer: Colored ones. My wife loves colored balls!
Charleston, South Carolina
4PM All My Toys Run on Gasoline, Sir
Older, slightly creepy, owner of firm: Do we have any more batteries?
Young, cute receptionist: No, I can order some.
Owner: Nah, just run home and get the ones out of the toy under your pillow.
Houston, Texas
3PM Genius!
Spanish teacher to students: Now for those of you who do not know a sandwich is: two pieces of bread with one or two objects in between them, and is eaten as a snack.
Loveland, Colorado
Overheard by: Aristide
2PM I'm Not an Animal.
Woman in elevator lobby to man: Did you eat peanut butter?
Man: Peanut butter?
Woman: You smell like peanut butter.
Man: Um, I had some hazelnut coffee...
Woman: Oh! Hazelnut coffee!!
(elevator arrives, man gets on elevator, woman remains in lobby)
Man, muttering to self: Peanut butter? Peanut butter?
Los Angeles, California
1PM Kristin Scott Thomas: Really, I'm Good, Thanks
Girl to friend: Why don't we just give her one of my mom's old boob implants? She had a mastectomy and never had it fixed, so she just puts a sock in there, and has a drawer full of implant boobs we could use.
Amherst, Massachusetts
12PM Then Let Me Start Over. This Is a Computer.
Big boss to underling: Your job is to not confuse me.
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM Maybe Not So Much Teeth Next Time?
Coworker to another, about bus driver: I couldn't even get it out of my mouth before he started bellowing.
Swiftwater, Pennsylvania
10AM Yoda: Don't Try-- Do!
Woman #1, waiting for elevator: We should really take the stairs.
Woman #2: Yeah. I've been trying to take the stairs more.
(they proceed to wait another three minutes, until elevator finally comes)
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
9AM I Think I've Seen This Demi Moore Movie...
Female director to IT employee trying to figure out which thermostat to turn up: Just do whatever you have to to make me hot!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: r
5PM ...Since When Do We Care About Canadians?
Young phone monkey: Do Canadians celebrate Christmas?
Older phone monkey: Jesus Christ!
Gran Park
Orlando, Florida
4PM Girls Can Be So Anal About Their Weights.
Female coworker, as free surprise deep-dish pizza is brought into office: Damn! Why did I choose today to bring a salad!?
Male coworker: Girl, you better toss that salad! I mean, throw it away!
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Oh, Here It Is, Over by the Copier!
Manager: My cramps are killing me. I think I just dropped an egg.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: glad i'm a guy
2PM Why Do We All Act Like Cartoon Characters at Work? Discuss.
Program manager #1, in midst of cubical maze: Hey, where did all that bacon go?
Program manager #2, chanting happily: Bacon bacon bacon!
Utah
Overheard by: Snickering Intern
1PM Mom and Dad Like to Keep Busy
Coworker #1: You're so lucky you get to go home early!
Coworker #2: Nah, I have to go to my mom and dad's house. I just hope I don't get MRSA... Or crabs.
Everett, Washington
12PM Does That Mean We Have to Be Exclusive?
Pushy boss: Go on! Get in there! It's a meet-and-greet! Don't you want to meet the folks you'll be servicing?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Waiting to be Serviced
11AM Breast Milk? Really?
Coworker #1: (hiccups)
Coworker #2: Whatever you're drinking, I want some!
St. Paul, Minneosta
10AM You Have to Be Famous or a Model to Exist in New York
Office girl #1: Hey Jessica*, that's weird.
Office girl #2: What?
Office girl #1: That I don't exist.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: J-Bone
9AM Or Are You Talking About How Many Blowjobs You Got in the Parking Lot?
40-something VP, about weather: What a great day--55 today!
Project manager: Wow! I would have never guessed--happy birthday!
Warwick, Maryland
5PM ...To a Manatee
Assistant: She says "I lost 145 pounds!" and I'm all "well, of course you did. You gave birth".
Baltimore, Maryland
4PM ...Which I Appreciated!
Male manager: It was good, it tasted nice.
Male employee: It tasted like ass?
Male manager: No, it tasted nice.
Male employee: Oh, I don't like ass and I thought you were trying to appeal to my homosexuality.
Chicago, Illinois
3PM If People Magazine Wrote American History
Coworker: "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people". Eleanor Roosevelt said that, and you know she was smart, 'cause she was uuuugleeeeeee!
Emory University
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM For the Same Reason a Horse Hates the Bit
New guy: It felt really weird when I put it in my mouth, and I don't know... I didn't like it.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: The WC
1PM Women Can Do This to Each Other All Day Long
Salesperson: I can get you a package over today to look at.
Client: I'd love to see your package today.
Springdale, Ohio
12PM On the Plus Side, They Can Name at Least Two Presidents.
Boss to underling: Who was President after Lincoln?
Underling: Wasn't Carter after Lincoln?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: About a 100 years after
11AM ...Donut?
Social worker to others, standing outside smoking: If we were all 5'9" we wouldn't be overweight.
Tampa, Florida
10AM Like Renee Zellweger, You'll Get Over It
Coworker on phone: But you'll stand outside for me because you think my tractor's sexy.
Chickasha, Oklahoma
9AM Why Jack Daniels Exists.
CSM, on holiday preparations: My family makes me want to smuggle drugs in my ass.
Hailey, Idaho
Read the Previous Month's Quotes!
