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December 2009 Archives
5PM But I Kinda Like It When My Computer Goes Down on Me
Male computer tech to male computer user: Hey, if you let me get between you legs I can fix that issue.
Las Vegas, Nevada
4PM Either That, or Start Working Out Again
Frustrated coworker: I think I'm gonna have to rename my voodoo doll.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: confused but amused
3PM Hiring Crazy Bag Ladies Is a Nice Gesture, But...
Cube dweller #1: Where'd Marla* go?
Cube dweller #2: She heard you were coming to find her and she ran away screaming nonsensical things.
Cube dweller #1: You just go on and eat your apple, you little worm.
Cube dweller #2: Huh?
Cube dweller #1: You little bookworm, you! Heee! Huhuhhuhuh! Bookworm!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: I just don't understand!
2PM ..."Oral Skills a Big Plus"...
Office worker: Check out this description in this help wanted ad. "Customer relations: Must have the ability to communicate effectively both internally and externally with all customers."
Aspen, Colorado
1PM Translation: I Hope You Do It Again Soon
Coworker on phone: If you ever do that again, I'm gonna spank your ass.
Calgary
Canadia
12PM She's the Irish Spring Of Girls
Straight coworker over cubicle wall: Dude, she's super hot. (pause) In a manly way.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: walkingby
11AM Plus It Keeps Going Rogue and Disappearing
Employee to another: We've got to take down this Palin display. It's upsetting the customers.
Bookstore
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: erica
10AM But Last Time I Did That, HR Made Us Attend That Seminar!
Male colleague to another, discussing fantasy football: You cannot make me happy unless you release all of your Johnsons.
Wilmington, Massachusetts
9AM Stuffed and on the Mantel? Oh.
Coworker to another: How's the dog? I can't ask you "how's the family?" or "how are the friends?" because you got none, but you have a dog, right?
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: my office is fun
5PM They Rarely Complain About It
Boss to secretary: How do you know farm animals don't understand daylight savings time?
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: CrazyCurator
4PM And How to Look at It
Boss to another: I have a policy manual on when to take a dump each day.
Chicago, Illinois
3PM ...K?
Male cook: Fine, we'll spell it your way!
Female front desk agent: No, seriously! "Banana" is spelled b-a-n-a-n-a.
(later that day)
Female front desk agent to male front desk agent: Hey, how do you spell "banana"?
Male front desk agent: B-a-b...
Female front desk agent, cutting him off: Forget it.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: David
2PM Why Some People Chain Their Staplers to Their Desks
Office girl to colleague: Is it in the toilet?
Ft. Worth, Texas
Overheard by: NICK BUDROS
1PM If He Puts His Tie Over the Door, We're Forbidden to Go in
Peon #1: Stella*, Jack* wants to know if you can come into his office.
Stella*: Sure.
Peon #2: Dun... Dun... Dun...
Peon #3: Just don't close the door.
Peon #1: And don't close your eyes.
Peon #2: And don't put anything in your mouth.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: extremely good advice
12PM ...Does That Turn You On?
Female trainee, after listening to instructions from several minutes: Hang on, I need to write this down but I'm peeling an orange at the moment.
London
England
11AM My Birthday's Coming Up. Hint, Hint.
Engineer: If I could get a 12-year-old for $10, I'd do it!
Orlando, Florida
10AM Rapist: Like I'd Bother With Anybody Who Drives a 1992 Honda
Male bartender: Where'd you park?
Female bartender: 12th and Albany.
Male bartender: So far away? Why do you want to be raped?
Los Angeles, California
9AM And Isn't "Total" an American Cereal?
Trainee accountant #1, looking at payslip: Look, I pay more tax each month!
Trainee accountant #2: Where does it say that?
Trainee accountant #1: Here, look.
Trainee accountant #2: That is the cumulative total.
Trainee accountant #1: What does "cumulative" mean?
London
England
5PM ...Does That Answer Your Question About Our Product, Sir?
Woman on phone: I thought that once my father died, my mom would be happy. But that was 25 years ago, and she's still miserable.
Huntington, New York
4PM You Have a Gift for Storytelling, My Friend
Security worker: The girl they adopted was a grown woman, but she was a midget.
Fishers, Indiana
Overheard by: Answer the damn phone
3PM And We're on the Phone
CSA: You might not be able to tell because I'm wearing a hoodie, but I work out a lot.
Manhattan, New York
2PM Hard to Avoid in the Bronx
Secretary: I'm going out, does anyone want anything from Fordham road?
Coworker: Are you going past a liquor store?
Fordham University
The Bronx, New York
1PM Not According to Your Employee Evaluation, Rachel.
Big woman in corridor to friends: Oh, I can handle eight inches! I bet I can handle eight inches no problem!
Edison, New Jersey
12PM Have You Tried the Colorizing Copier?
Secretary: This photocopier is broken.
Office service staff: Why, what's it doing?
Secretary: Well, I tried to make a color copy, but it came out black and white.
Office service staff, looking at original: Um, your original is black and white.
Secretary: Yes, I know, I thought it would insert color onto it.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Legally Retarded
11AM Your Problems Are My Opportunities
Computer-whiz colleague: You should do program-testing while I'm here, then I can come and help you with any problems.
Serious colleague: So, you don't mind being grabbed?
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: confused but amused
10AM Now Have the Good Grace to Look Ashamed Of Yourself
Library clerk to hobo taking food out of food drive box: Hey, you can't just take that!
Hobo: Yo, I'm just cutting out the middleman, brother.
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
9AM Raise Your Hand If You Live for the Exploits Of Your Single Colleagues
Bimbette #1: It happened again last night.
Bimbette #2: You gagged?
Bimbette #1: Yeah. I even practiced with a tongue depressor first!
Bimbette #2: That sucks.
Coatesville, Pennsylvania
10AM And It Plays Music!
Male gay CSR to female straight CSR: The underwear I'm wearing right now is so cute I wish I could show it to you!
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Leigh
9AM Nobody Talks About the Pentagon's "O" Ring
IT engineer, about large file to upload: It was big, that's why it took so long to get it up.
IT desktop deck: Hahahaha.
IT manager: I'll leave you two alone.
The Pentagon
Arlington, Virginia
5PM Wanna Be My Muscle?
Manager: Sarah*, why do you have all of those little baggies at your desk?
Sarah: Because you never know when someone will need one, or when we have those potlucks and people want to take things home, or try someone else's dish, or take it home to their kids...
Manager: Sarah, are you sure you're not dealing?
Sarah: Well, maybe I should...I do have a scale at my desk...
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: I'll buy some
4PM Yeah, I Said It!
Middle-aged cube rat, surfing the internet: A dog has no business looking like a cow.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: killmei'mbored
3PM ...Or a Rousing Chorus Of "Matcha Matcha Man"
Coworker #1: This is Matcha.
Coworker #2: What's Matcha?
Coworker #1: It's tea.
Coworker #2: I feel like a tea bag...
Los Alamitos, California
Overheard by: Lisa
2PM We Weren't Allowed Anything Sharp
Tech looking for stylus: Have you seen my pokey thing?
Boss: Not even in prison did I see the pokey thing.
Midwest
1PM Must Be the Family Jewels
Overexcited colleague, passing gift to departing coworker: With this necklace, I thee impregnate!
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: confusedbutamused
12PM ...But, Seriously, I'm a Witch.
Old Australian man trying to flirt with young female barista: Remember back in the old ages when we could burn women at the stake? That was lovely!
Young female barista: Hahaha!
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: jerry
11AM When Academics Go Into the Private Sector
Employee: You look like a hobo office worker! Can I take a picture?
Los Angeles, California
10AM When Lifestyles Collide
Receptionist: I slept a lot this weekend, 'cuz I drank a lot, you know? I woke up at 5:30 yesterday afternoon, which, you know, just hurt my feelings.
Boss: What?
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: freudian flip
9AM By Watching Porn All Day at Work
Coworker, arguing against gun regulations: They say that easy access to guns leads to mass killings. Well, there's easy access to prostitutes but I don't have syphilis. I restrain myself.
Nashville, Tennessee
5PM You Can't Teach Talent
Program manager on phone: Have you thought of marrying this chick? (pause) Does she give good head? (pause) Okay, is she willing to learn?
North Carolina
4PM Why I Don't Talk to My Co-Workers: Explained.
CSR on phone with customer: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't cover vehicles outside the United States.
(five minutes later)
CSR to coworker: I think I told the customer the wrong thing. Is Hawaii part of the United States?
Southington, Connecticut
3PM We Prefer Weaponry to Punctuation
Boss on phone with tech support: Wait... What is a colon? (pause) The dot and the squiggle line or the dot and the dot? (pause) Hello? Are you listening to me? (pause) No, I'm not stupid, I'm German.
Ocala, Florida
Overheard by: Mystique
2PM ...Or Am I Thinking Of The Breakfast Club?
Dental assistant: What was the name of that movie? The one about Pearl Harbor? You know, the one where they bomb Pearl Harbor?
Dentist: Um, I think it was called Pearl Harbor.
Dental assistant: No, it was a romantic movie... Where they bomb Pearl Harbor.
Dentist: Yeah, it's called Pearl Harbor.
Dental assistant: Oh, yeah! Pearl Harbor!
Dental Office
The Bronx, New York
1PM Regarding Our Perennial Problems Of Friction, Lubrication and Wear
Young engineer #1: Hey, dude, how are you?
Young engineer #2: Oh, man, Johnson is killing me today!
Greenville, Texas
12PM Because, If So, You're Right!
Boss: So, what do you like about working here?
Employee: Well, I really like that working here, you have your hands on the pulse of campus.
Boss: I'm sorry, did you say "the balls of campus"?
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Didshereallythinkshesaidthat?
11AM Seriously, Dude. Stop.
Production manager, loudly, to graphic artist nearby: Michael! You are just whipping it out today!
Van Nuys, California
Overheard by: Just walking on by
10AM Um, All I Said Was "Hello"
Loud secretary on phone: Ohhh, you said "Laurie." I thought you said "Willie Nelson."
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: jim from the office
9AM ...Mission Complete
IT guy #1: Hey, you want to hear something ironic?
IT guy #2: Yes! Tell me something erotic!
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
4PM Oh, I Know You're a Fan Of My Hard Candy?
Attractive female employee: Hey Steve*, do you have something hard that I can suck on to keep me awake?
Steve*, after 15 second pause and in disbelief: Jane*, you really don't know how long I have been waiting for you to ask me that.
Attractive female employee, turning red: I meant did you have candy, like Jolly Ranchers or something.
San Luis Obisbo, California
3PM I Should Write This Stuff Down
Coworker on phone: Hi, Sally*. How you been? Working hard, or.. (cough cough)
Voice on speaker phone: Hi--you okay?
Coworker: (cough) Yes... (cough cough)
Voice: Okay, then. Well, I took a look at the accounts...
Coworker: (cough cough cough)
Voice: And I noticed our balance...
Coworker: (cough) Or hardly working?
Voice: What?
Melville, New York
2PM Some People Just Insist on Staying Women
Middle-aged white guy to another: People will find reasons to be discriminated against.
http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/overheardinminneapolis/~3/308418036/i-have-one-for-you.html
Overheard by: let me know what you come up with.
1PM Luckily They'll All Forget This Conversation in Three Seconds
Office worker #1: Guess what I have?
Office worker #2: Herpes?
Office worker #1: No, actually I have a Snapple lid with random fact #1, can you believe it? The first snapple fact! "Goldfish only have an attention span of 3 minutes."
(silence)
Office worker #3, a row away: If you had herpes, that would have been more interesing.
Office worker #1: Go to hell.
http://overheardinpdx.blogspot.com/2008/08/goldfish.html
Overheard by: e c.
12PM Miss Cleo Speaked Good, Too, and Look How She Turned Out
Sales guy to coworker: Why did anyone vote for Obama? Because he's a good oracle? Big deal if he speaks good...
Tulsa, Oklahoma
11AM I Think They're Technically Called "Do Overs"
Ditzy blonde intern: I just met the cutest guy on the elevator!
Less ditzy staff: Oh, which office does he work for?
Ditzy blonde intern: Hold on, he gave me his card. (shuffles through purse) Pol--politico's office?
Less ditzy staff: Shit, you talked to the press! You know you're not supposed to talk to those assholes!
Ditzy blonde intern: Shit! Are they gonna fire me?
Less ditzy staff: What are you gonna do about this?
Ditzy blonde intern, after long pause: Does politico do takebacks?
Washington, DC
10AM My Secret? I Keep Absinthe in My Side Drawer.
Girl coworker: I'll e-mail the help desk...I'll just say "please help us, help desk." Ahahah! I 'm so funny.
Guy coworker: Okay, good idea. You're typing all in caps.
Girl coworker: I know! That's because everything is in capitals on my computer.
Guy coworker: Um, you have the cap locks on.
Girl coworker: What is that?
Guy coworker: The caps lock key on your keyboard?
Girl coworker: Oh, no! My computer is just all caps.
Guy coworker: No, just do this. (does it) See? Now you're not in caps anymore.
Girl coworker: Oh my gosh! You are so smart! Oh! Thank you so much! Oooohhh! Let me retype my e-mail to the help desk! "Please help us, help desk." That's so funny! "Please help us, help desk."
Northern California
9AM The Way I Hear It, They Barely Bathe.
Coworker #1 about coworker #2: Married man smelling good, that's not right. (pause) Something's going on.
http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/overheardinminneapolis/~3/315010609/yeah-he-showered.html
Overheard by: that cologne doesn't smell good, so there's no danger
5PM Save That Kind Of Good Stuff for the Board Meetings
VP: What's the name of the company I'm thinking of? We've got a job with them.
Engineer: Starts with...?
VP: A. A something. Aaaaaaa...
Engineer: Ass-fuckers anonymous?
VP, quietly: Ass-fuckers anonymous... Ass...
Engineer: Yeah, AFA, but trust me, it's not that. I just made that up.
VP, very loudly: Ass-fuckers anonymous!?
Engineer: Dude, can you not yell "ass-fuckers anonymous" when I'm in your office?
Paterson, New Jersey
4PM Just in Case, Though, We Offer a Full Course on Bobbing and Weaving
Orientation presenter: In all the code fives I've responded to over the years, there's only been one that involved a weapon. But if you hear "code five lobby" announced overhead, and then you hear shots fired, don't go into the lobby!
Albany General Hospital
Albany, Oregon
Overheard by: Naomi
3PM Pop Quiz: How Hard Should the Manager Hit the Employee?
Office manager: Why aren't you wearing a tie today?
Worker: Oh, well... I'm going to see a client, so I didn't think I needed one on today.
Office manager: All the more reason to wear a tie.
Worker: Well, I'm in the office, so I didn't think that I had to wear one.
Office manager, pulling out employee handbook: It says right here: "all employees must always be dressed appropriately. Men wearing dress slacks, button-down shirt, and tie."
Worker: Oh! See, ties don't really work for me. But that's okay, right?
Staten Island
2PM Thankfully the Adventure Team Has a Don't Ask/Don't Tell Policy
Salesguy #1: I think Jane* may be the perfect woman.
Salesguy #2: How so?
Salesguy #1: I was talking to her about her Care Bear graphic on Messenger, and she said that she played with G.I. Joes, too. "I had them attack the strawberry bushes behind my house. That was my jungle."
Salesguy #2: Dang!
Salesguy #1: I know! I was like, "I think I'm going to have to marry you. You may be the perfect woman." I mean, it's hard to find a girl that played with G.I. Joes.
Salesguy #2: No, it's not. It's just that most of them don't dig dudes.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
1PM Raise Your Hand If You Think "Yeah" Is Still Unprofessional
Boss, reading through company e-mails: Can I talk to you about this e-mail you sent to a client?
Employee: Sure.
Boss: In this e-mail you started out with the word "yay"; when I read this it struck me as very unprofessional. You shouldn't use the word "yay" when speaking with our clients.
Employee: That doesn't say "yay, it says "yeah". It's a response to a question the client had.
Boss: Y-e-a-h is "yay." Let's not use it in e-mails in the future, okay?
Employee: Okay (then under breath as he walks away) Fucking moron!
Salt Lake City, Utah
12PM Don't You Feel All Greasy and Dirty Afterward?
Large Korean who likes burgers: You better bring back In-N-Out. I hate Dick's, but love it when it's In-N-Out. Dick's are so small, they never fill me up, that's why it's always gotta be In-N-Out.
Jet City, Washington
Overheard by: Big Fan of Burgers-
11AM This Would've Been a Good Seinfeld Episode
Cubicle guy: Man, you wanna hear something funny? My dry cleaner got shot today. What am I gonna do? I got dry cleaning to pick up!
Cubicle gal: What? Oh my god! That's horrible!
Cubicle guy: I know. But what am I gonna do about my dry cleaning? I can't just go over there and say like, "hey, sorry he got shot, but can I get my dry cleaning?"
Cubicle gal: Yeah--that wouldn't be good. Maybe you could wait a couple of days and then go pick it up. Besides, if you go today you might become a suspect.
Cubicle guy: Yeah, that's what I'll do... Good thing it's not a suit I need for the weekend.
Manhattan, New York
10AM Perhaps Your Girlfriend Should See Another Gynecologist
Friendly staff: Sir, we fix everything but water damage.
Hippie traveler: Uh, well, I drooled on it.
Bangkok
Thailand
9AM Look No Further
Geek #1: It's really hard to find an adult Girl Scout costume.
Geek #2: I wonder why, I'm sure there are fat Girl Scouts. (pause) I'm not saying you're fat! I'm just saying you're old.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Had to run from the room.
5PM Welcome to the Club
Front office girl at medical spa, hanging up phone: The client says we are not taking her concerns seriously, and she is going to report us to the Surgeon General.
Ditzy manager: The Surgeon General? But we don't have anything to do with smoking!
Front office girl, under her breath: I can't believe I have to report to you.
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: OMG The IQ level here is amazing
4PM But I Claimed It in the Name Of the Queen Of Spain!
Boss man: There's a men's bathroom and a women's bathroom. I don't want to see anyone using the women's bathroom... Use the men's room.
Worker: You talking to me? Are you saying I use the women's room? I don't! Who told you that?
Boss man: I don't know who it is. I don't care. Just use the men's bathroom.
Worker: Is it me? Cuz you're looking at me.
Boss man: Fine, it's you. Don't use the women's bathroom.
Worker: Who told you I was using the women's bathroom? I don't use the women's bathroom.
Boss man: I didn't say it was you, but if you think it was you, it was you. Don't use the womens bathroom.
Newark, New Jersey
3PM That's a Dude's Name, Isn't It?
Borders customer: It's by... I don't know her name, but she's the new Poet Laureate.
Borders clerk: Her name is "Laureate"?
Borders customer, sighing: Never mind.
Sunnyvale, California
2PM You're Fired.
Salesman to manager: One of my customers is looking for prices on a laptop.
Manager: Okay, what is he looking for?
Salesman: A laptop.
Manager: Yes, but what is he looking for? I can get him a piece of crap for next to nothing, or a real expensive one. What is he looking for? What specifications and size is he looking for, and what extras?
Salesman: Okay, I'll find out.
(three minutes later, after phoning customer)
Salesman: He is looking for one, the size of an adult male's hands placed next to each other.
Pretoria
South Africa
1PM Or Did You Mean That the President Has a Fertile Mind?
Peon #1: There's sperm on the President's head!
Peon #2: I'm really glad that I know you're talking about your Obama Chia Pet.
Fremont, Washington
Overheard by: I guess he's a grower, not a shower.
12PM We'll Refrain from Making Any Comments About Canadians.
Coworker #1, entering elevator: I hope there's no smell today.
Coworker #2: Yeaaah.
Ottawa
Canadia
11AM I'd Answer It, but I'm Not Speaking to Myself
Person in cubicle: Is that your cell phone?
Person in next cubicle: No, it's my mouth.
Austin, Texas
10AM Ralph Wiggum Goes Corporate
Partner: Do cats pee?
Erie, Pennsylvania
9AM And I Don't Even Think a Yeti Could Survive in This Kind Of Climate
Store clerk to weird customer: Sir, we don't carry that, that only exists on television.
Long Island
5PM This Time We'll Turn the Security Camera Off
Female coworker: You've got those magic fingers.
Male coworker: You've got to wiggle it and jiggle it and shake it a bit.
Female coworker: Well, come back here to the stockroom and show me how you do it.
New England
4PM The Message: When You Violate the Incest Tabloo, Spare No Expense
Speaker for sales meeting: Just consider Mastercard. You know, "Plane ticket to Boca Raton: 400 dollars. Doing it with you grandpa: priceless."
Bellevue, Washington
3PM So You Read the Story, Too?
Counselor: Oh, I read about a blind couple that sailed to Australia without any assistance!
Secretary: They think it's Australia. Their kids just pulled them around the harbor for a few days, and took them to outback.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
2PM The DMV Experience: Explained
Employee #1: It's 5 O'clock somewhere!
Employee #2: It's 5 O'clock at my desk. What do you think this water in my bottle here is?
Glendale, California
1PM If I Say Yes, Will It Get Me to the Front Of the Line?
Hair stylist lady, picking up next client name and looking around waiting area filled with middle-aged men: Okay, I have to ask this. (reads from sheet) Paris?
(no response)
Hair stylist lady, reading again, even more incredulously: Peaches?
Supercuts
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Captain Craptacular
12PM There's a Lot Of Misinformation Circulating About Obama
Female cube monkey: He got his medulla oblongata pierced!
Beech Grove, Indiana
Overheard by: a different department
11AM How Are Bambi and the Kids, Anyway?
Salesperson, leaving voicemail for customer: Hey there, it's me! Guess you're out killing Bambi--call me back when you get back in town!
Austin, Texas
10AM How to Get a Room Full Of People Focused on the Same Goal
Project manager: Can you look over a doc for me?
Engineer #1: Not right now. I'm reading about bestiality.
Engineer #2: What? Dude... Share the link!
Engineers #3 and #4: Yeah!
Alpharetta, Georgia
9AM I've Already Got the Khakis, Horn-Rimmed Glasses and Top-Siders
Male supervisor on phone to boss: Okay, I'll do the cash out today, oh and can you bring makeup tomorrow and turn me into an old woman? (pause) Great, thanks!
Olypmic Peninsula, Washington
Overheard by: great scott
5PM ...But Don't Tell Your Step-Sister I Said That.
Admin on phone with daughter: Sure, you can go to Puerto Rico with the Jones*. (pause) How far is Puerto Rico, anyways? (pause) It's not really that far, right? It's like, part of the US, but it's one of those things--like a stepchild.
Lutherville, Maryland
4PM Actually, I'm Fairly Certain He's Been Urinating on It
Female coworker #1: Ohmigod, my plant's dead...
Female coworker #2: I can't believe you whined and complained for months about how you didn't get a "new hire plant" like everyone else, and when you get one... a week later it's dead because you don't water it.
Female coworker #3: I heard all these plants are responsibility tests. If you kill the plant, you're gone.
Boss over intercom to coworker #1: Report to my office immediately.
Female coworker #2: He knows about the plant.
Female coworker #1: Fuck.
McKinney, Texas
3PM Self-Test: Are You More Pathetic at Work or at Home?
Coworker #1: And I still had this stomach bug, but I'd just drank all this fruit punch, and my mom was calling me, and I made into the hallway before I puked fruit punch all over the wall, and I was like "I'm coming, mom!"
Coworker #2: Oh, god, how old were you?
Coworker #1: This was like six months ago.
Columbia, Missouri
2PM Australians and Americans May Be Many Miles Apart, but We're Really All the Same
Shop assistant: So, can I help you with anything else?
50-something woman: Yes, I'd like a big, long screw. About this big. (she demonstrates with hands)
Shop assistant: Wouldn't we all!
Hardware Store
Australia
1PM Would That Be a Tossed Salad?
Flamboyant marketing director: In my opinion, prostitutes are great because they help my liver. Let me explain--it cuts the process in half. I don't have to waste my money buying drinks for guys at the bar that still might not sleep with me. So... in the end, my liver is healthier because of prostitutes.
Old lady assistant: Prosciutto is good for the liver? I'll put it in a salad!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lowly Intern
12PM The Eternal Question
Male coworker, carrying apple and pear into break room: Who took my banana?
Ridge, New York
11AM Though, to Be Fair, You're Not Even an Employee Here.
Male coworker: It's one o'clock already? Man, this day is flying by so fast!
Female coworker: It's dragging for me.
Male coworker: Last time I looked at the clock it was only 11 am. Man, where did the time go?
Female coworker: That's because you're old and you keep falling asleep and waking up an hour later!
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Overheard by: Janet
10AM ...But Does That Mean You Have to Crush My Dreams? Does It??
Conductor #1, over PA: This is Stamford; welcome to the President's Club. (pause) Maybe you'll invite me someday.
Conductor #2, over PA: I doubt that's gonna happen.
Conductor #1: True.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: wasn't invited either
9AM ...To Simulate the College Weekend Experience
Woman on phone: If I sign up for a campus tour will I get to see the campus?
Male coworker: Tell her we lock her in a closet.
University
Eastern Michigan
5PM ...As Seen in Good Wool Humping
Boss, reading e-mail out loud: "Middle cube's a bunch of sheep-shaggers"? Minus Jane*, of course! (laughs)
Coworker: Why? She could get a strap on...
Beverly, Massachusetts
4PM I'm Hoping It's As Dirty As It Sounds!
Female suit, in Finance & Technology floor of global investment bank: What's an integer?
London
England
Overheard by: lexington
3PM Oh, Leave Carol from Accounting Alone.
Boss, about to hang up on someone calling into the meeting: Is there anything else?
Colleague: No, I think I'm done.
Boss: Good, 'cause I got my finger on the button over here. I feel like the little boy with his finger in the dike.
Washington, DC
2PM On This Planet, Jill Sued the Owner Of the Hill Jack Fell Down
Old hen: My granddaughter wants to ride on a fire truck in the parade, who should I call?
Fire dept. rep: We don't do that anymore, because of the liability.
Old hen: What liability?
Fire dept. rep: Some silly kid will be jumping around all excited and fall off the truck and break their head, and then the parents will sue us for a zillion dollars.
Old hen: Well, not if it was the kid's fault, they wouldn't.
Fire dept. rep: What cartoon planet are you from, exactly?
Oregon
Overheard by: b-mac
1PM Sigh. Boys.
Director: How you doing?
Sales rep #1: I'm good... but I've had a migraine all week.
Director: That sucks, doing anything this weekend?
Sales rep #1: Nah, I haven't done anything all week. I saw District 9 last night, though.
Director: Did you like it? I've heard mixed reviews.
Sales rep #1: I liked the social commentary. Plus, shit blows up. It can be the worst movie ever, but if shit blows up, I'm gonna watch it.
Director: Oh, hell yeah! You gotta watch it if shit blows up. That's like Terminator. You watch it cause shit blows up.
Sales rep #1: Yeah, or every Rambo movie.
Sales rep #2: How can you watch Rambo movies?
Director and sales rep #1: Shit blows up!
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Your Editors Prefer "Under Pressure"
Office manager during staff meeting: Children should wash their hands for as long as it takes them to sing the ABCs. For adults, it's Bohemian Rhapsody.
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Lady L
11AM In Case You Needed Any Additional Reasons to Feel Sorry for Yourself
Doctor: Okay, so what are you having done today? Varicose veins?
Woman waiting for surgery: What? No. I'm having a port put in.
Nurse: A port? Well, you don't need a port for varicose veins.
Woman waiting for surgery: I know it's for my chemo.
Nurse: Oh, I get it now. I thought your form said "Cheerios."
Australia
10AM And She Withholds Information That Would Improve My Performance
Awkward bald man, walking into conference room: Does this work for you?
Obviously lesbian woman meeting with him: Whatever you want, this is all about you.
Awkward bald man: Wow! I wish my wife would say that! She never says anything like that.
Richmond, Virginia
9AM ...Let Me Deal with H.R.
Coworker to another: Hey, man, if you want to call 'em ramparts, you call 'em ramparts.
Pasadena, California
5PM I'm Losing Focus on Whatever It Is I Do for Work
Female coworker #1: I just tried to call him, but he didn't pick up! God, he never picks up.
Female coworker #2: But you've been going through his e-mail, right?
Female coworker #1: Yes! Like every day!
Manhattan, New York
4PM ...Have a Lovely Day, Motherfuckers.
Manager of convenience store at Shell service station, to clerk, in front of customers: Jesus, I can't wait until this goddamned customer appreciation week is over.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: tallulah_iroquois
3PM Trust Me. I Used to Date a Genie.
Blonde coworker: And I was like "way to throw me under the rug!"
Brunette coworker: Umm... it's "under the bus." "Way to throw me under the bus."
Male coworker: Get it? It hurts. If you were thrown under a bus it would hurt.
Blonde coworker: Well, it would hurt if someone was walking on the rug and you was under it!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: jen
2PM Work-Related, I Hasten to Add
CEO, during meeting: Okay, that will wrap it up. Does anyone have anything else?
Manager: I just want everyone to know that I won't be around this weekend because my ex-wife told the kids they won't be having any fun this summer because she doesn't have any money. I am going to pick them up and try and let them have fun. So if you need me I won't be around.
(all room is silent)
CEO: Okay, then does anyone have anything else today?
Manhattan, New York
1PM The Question I Was Born to Answer
Coworker, surfing the net: What the crap? Is every Preston* in the world naked in their profile?
West Lafayette, Indiana
12PM Readers, Should Your Workplace Be on the Soap Opera Network?
Woman to friend: I'm just saying, when she find out he lives with his wife... Gurl, she ain't gonna like it.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lee
11AM I'm Databasing. Are You Databasing?
Worker #1 referring to a computer file titled as her name: Are you in me?
Worker #2: Yeah, I'm in you.
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: a little small
10AM Um, In Elastic-Top Stockings?
Supervisor to art director, while playing with digital camera: I am also deleting these photos, well--they should have been deleted a long time ago--but those ones of me on my knees.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
9AM Fire Prevention Week Is a Big Deal in Kansas
Supervisor, shouting to employee: Did you remember your penis?
Overland Park, Kansas
5PM Your Editors Are Not Proud Of Having Seen This DVD
Innocent Mormon: Hey, does anyone want to lick this?
Rest of coworkers, giggling: Ummmm... No.
Innocent Mormon: I want someone else to lick it, I hate licking it myself.
Helpful coworker: Just go get your finger wet and rub it on there.
South Salt Lake City, Utah
4PM Emerge from Bankruptcy? Absolutely.
CEO: People don't do that with their pants down, do they? They just unzip, right?
Manhattan, New York
3PM And I'll Bet They Have Miserable Lives Without Them!
Worker #1: We grilled chicken hearts the other night.
Worker #2: Really? Like, how big are they?
Worker #1, gesturing: Not very. We have to make several skewers full because they are so little.
Worker #2: Do you even know how many chickens it takes to get one heart? Poor things!
Virginia
2PM Why Elmo Gets So Much Pussy
Guy to friend: I need to get a girlfriend just for like a week or so. Just to get that stench on me. Besides, girls dig guys with hairy arms.
Shanghai
China
1PM Delegating My Memory May Have Been a Mistake
Managing director: Don't you think Frank should get a haircut?
Past retirement age CEO: What did Frank say about my hair?
Managing director: Nothing, I said "Don't you think Frank should get a haircut?"
Past retirement age CEO: What did he say about my hair?
Entire office: Frank hasn't said anything about your hair!
(phone rings)
Past retirement age CEO, answering phone: Hello, Frank speaking--I mean, Graham speaking.
London
England
Overheard by: Who's Frank?
12PM The Next Internet Success Story
Customer, in clown makeup on Halloween: I'm so drunk right now I don't even care about my big, green twat lips.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: intrigued
11AM In the Same Way That a Fire Exit Involves Jumping through a Ring Of Fire?
Young female cashier to coworker: I saw this sign at Caribou Coffee that said "fire sprinkler." I really want to see one of those. I mean, what is it? Does it shoot out fire or something?
Fairborn, Ohio
10AM Men Carry a Whole Different Set Of Grudges
Male coworker #1: Megan* says she's going to Taco Bell for lunch and she hopes nobody is pissed.
Male coworker #2: Why would someone be pissed?
Male coworker #1: Cause she knows that you like some Taco Bell.
Male coworker #2: I do,but I certainly am not in the business of depriving people of Taco Bell.
Lynchburg, Virginia
9AM Some Questions Deserve Detailed Answers
Curious office worker: How was your poop?
Man who just finished pooping: It was a magnificent log. I could have paddled across the Atlantic on it.
Curious office worker: Just the Atlantic?
Man who just finished pooping: Yeah, I'm out of shape.
Curious office worker: Oh.
Aberdeen, Maryland
5PM To Be Fair, 70% Of the Time, That's the Correct Answer
Older gent doing crossword: What's a five letter word for "Stem with a bow?"
Secretary: That's "Stern with a bow".
Older gent: So it's not "stem"? That doesn't make sense. I'm putting in "Oleo".
State Office
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
4PM And the National Enquirer Has Never Led Me Astray Before
Construction guy #1: I can't wait to go see Criss Angel this weekend.
Construction guy #2: He's a freak... He's a mind freak.
Construction guy #1: Yeah. You know why he can do the stuff he does, right? He's part demon.
Construction guy #2: Really?
Construction guy #1: That's what I heard.
Manhattan, New York
3PM Once I'm Fired, for Instance
Coworker #1: So I have decided that I'm only going to do work when the boss is in the office.
Coworker #2: Haha! That is so awesome!
Coworker #1: I feel like it's only fair, if she isn't going to be here working, why should I work?
Coworker #2: I agree, she is the captain of this ship, after all.
Coworker #1: And, if I'm forced to do work, for example take a telephone call, I will document the time so that in the future I can make up that time back by not working.
Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania
2PM I'm Asking Myself, "What Would Bill Clinton Do?"
Female client on exercise bike: It's squeaking somewhere.
Maintenance man on his knees before her and bike: I've lubed every part I can find!
Searcy, Arkansas
1PM Some Days It's Hard to Stay Grateful for Having a Job
Coworker #1: Look at this guy, he's all dressed up today. What a fag!
Coworker #2: I was gonna wear jeans, but my dog jumped all over me this morning.
Coworker #1: You got a tie under there too? Jesus Christ, what a fag!
Bedford, Massachusetts
12PM So You're the One Who Keeps Flooding the Men's Restroom?
Office woman #1, listening to police scanner: Why are all those stupid people out in the rain?
Office woman #2: I understand that when it's time to leave work, you want to leave.
Office guy: I would rather drown than spend another hour here at work than I have to.
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: Underpaid
11AM Was That a Hint?
Male: There was a mouse in the trap, did you want to see it?
Female: Not really. I guess I could have given it mouth-to-mouse.
Male: Hahaha! Have you had any mice?
Female: No, there hasn't been any activity in my drawers. Oh! That sounded bad.
Ogden, Utah
Overheard by: Connie
10AM In Unrelated News, Does Anyone Need a Blender?
Excited supervisor: Want to see pictures of my dead cat?
Fairfax, Virginia
9AM Raise Your Hand If You Find Group Showers Awkward
Male Student #1: Yeah, and he wouldn't even look at me in the shower.
Male Student #2: What the fuck's his problem?
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Wouldn't Doing That Turn Them Into Dummies?
Cube dweller to another: If you want the full effects of the Smarties, you need to freebase them.
Pioneer Square
Seattle, Washington
4PM How Funny That Is Depends on Your Role in the Legal System
Receptionist: God, I love today.
Supervisor: You know, I hate it when you get laid.
Receptionist, blushing: Yeah, I know...
General manager: You're just saying that because your wife won't put out.
Supervisor: That's not really funny.
General manager: Yeah, it is... If we were lucky, Tammy here would hire out, then everyone could get laid.
Roswell, New Mexico
Overheard by: Yikes!
3PM Crazy Revealing
Seemingly normal customer: It's revealing when the lolly-boxes clatter, isn't it? Revealing!
Cashier: Er, yes. (awkward laughter)
Vegetable Shop
Western Australia
Australia
Overheard by: Cara
2PM In Afghanistan, Roger Was to Feel Nostalgic About This Conversation
Copy editor: I just wanna go home and sleep. And if I'm lucky, I'll never wake up again.
Project manager #1: That's my dream. To die in my sleep.
Project manager #2: Well, sure. But tonight?
Copy editor: Why, is there something on tv tonight you'd miss?
Ad Agency
Seattle, Washington
1PM Oh, Honey...
Cube mate to another, about program: How are you hung?
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
12PM Hint, Hint.
New PR consultant: Wait. When you're in the witness protection program... can you tell strangers that?
Manhattan, New York
11AM Hates Women?
Coworker on phone: He had two career ideas: one was to start an internet porn site, and the other was to become a priest.
Syracuse, New York
10AM While I Was Sleeping
Blonde female manager, about dried hydrangeas: I wish I had nice ones like that. I'm still so mad that my husband trimmed my bush!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
9AM Though I Am Looking for a Birthday Present for My Kid...
Dock worker: You know, it would be really cool if we found an eyeball floating in a one of these bottles!
Dock supervisor: What?! Do you know how much paperwork I would have if that happened?
Syosset, New York
5PM A Real Man Would Reinforce My Delusion
Female employee, pointing at computer screen: I say we take this guy to court!
Male employee: There's nobody there, Megan*.
Newton, Massachusetts
4PM Aww, Look at Their Cute Little Jockies
Excited supervisor: Will there be cockroach racing?
Tribune Tower
Chicago, Illinois
3PM ...Holding a Video Camera.
15-year-old to sister, after receiving her first pap smear: It was weird!
14-year-old sister: What happened?
15-year-old: I took my pants off. Then he put his finger in my butt!
14-year-old: Oh my god! Then what?
15-year-old: That lady stood there and watched!
Louisiana
2PM You Also Won't See Me Drop My Workload
Male coworker #1: I just couldn't take my eyes off her mound. It was so big and, well, unorganized.
Male coworker #2: Big mounds, seems to be the Monday thing around here. Seen one, seen 'em all.
Female coworker, passing through: Well boys, you must be talking about other people's paperwork again, since we all know you both haven't seen a real mound in the last decade.
Male coworker #2: We were actually talking about your mound. Organize that shit, will ya?
Female coworker, laughing: Never!
Kitchener
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Michele
1PM Then I Took a Picture With My Cell Phone!
Coworker: I asked her to look at the list and give me Sharon's* cell number, but I didn't have a pen so I had to write it in mulch on the sidewalk.
Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania
12PM Salary Reviews Get Nastier Every Year
Project manager to underling: Write that down: "screwed from behind." On second though, put: "fixed from behind."
Design Firm
Australia
11AM Career Tip: Make the Boss Look Less Stupid Whenever Possible
A&R girl to boss: Um... Did you really mean this bill to say "quarterly screwing"?
Nacogdoches, Texas
Overheard by: underling
10AM I Am Helping You
Assistant: Can you stick around? I need supervision for this.
Manager: Really? I'd rather have super hearing than super vision. (pause) Oh, you meant "supervision," didn't you?
Assistant: Do you think someone else could help me with this?
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM I'm a Little Vegan on the Details
Coworker #1: I feel so bad for them.
Coworker #2: I know, their son is in a coma and only has 30% of his brain working. He's a vegetarian.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Can't believe no one else heard that
5PM Stan May Have Vomited on Wendy Once Too Often
Female coworker to friend: I just don't know what to do... Kissing him literally makes me sick!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Carrie
4PM Crazy Idealists Do Incalculable Damage in the Workplace
Newly appointed head of county school superintendent's office: We need to teach out children why they need to know trigometry. (pause) With cooperation from sheriff's real CSI, kids will learn how trigometry is used to solve crimes.
Apple Valley, California
Overheard by: Kittytrix
3PM ...Which Is to Serve Me.
Grad student #1: Dude, don't get defensive, but we all have a theory that you're going to snap like that guy from Yale.
Grad student #2: What?! I'm nothing like that guy!
Grad student #1: But you're a control freak, and you have anger issues.
Grad student #2: I'm not a control freak! I just get pissed off at people when they don't do what they're supposed to!
University Park, Pennsylvania
2PM And Include a Graphic Of a Giant Middle Finger
Designer #1: So what do you want the parameter name to be?
Designer #2: Let's call it "xmlFileUrl", with the "f" and the "u" capitalized.
Baltimore, Maryland
1PM Gay Folks Are So Anxious to Get to the Altar
Gay coworker to female coworker in white dress: You look so "sacrificial virgin" today.
Female coworker: Um... Thank you?
Gay coworker, whispering: What kind of fabric is that?
Female coworker, whispering: Cotton.
Gay coworker: It looks fun.
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Angry With Me She Is
Coworker: Yeah, doing the Yoda voice in bed the other night wasn't received very well.
New Orleans, Louisiana
11AM It's the Difference Between Discipline and Mania
Female employee, about boring task: There's a big difference between sucking for 20 minutes and sucking for 8 hours.
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: As in a difference per hour?
10AM Her Poop?
Nurse #1: I love poop!
Nurse #2 to everyone: She's losing it!
Hospital
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lauren
9AM I Blame Viagra
Older female: My Yahoo is full of spam.
Midwest
5PM I Am Large, I Contain Multitudes
Cube dweller #1: I have people all up inside me all the time, and they're just bound to come out sooner or later.
Cube dweller #2: I do too: that's why I write.
Cube dweller #1: I think we're talking about two different things here.
http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/overheardinminneapolis/~3/304860221/are-we.html
Overheard by: I love a good office gangbang as much as the next guy.
4PM ...Now If Only There Were a Way to Measure That...
Customer: How much does one of those pork chops weigh?
Meat market employee: It depends on how big they are.
Peoria, Illinois
3PM This Book Says It Makes an Excellent Conditioner
College girl #1: We just hung out last night.
College girl #2: Sure! (giggles) What is that? (points to friend's hair)
College girl #1: What? I still have cum in my hair!
Barnes & Noble
Colorado Springs, Colorado
2PM ...I'm Receiving an Update from Brain Central
Coworker: Yeah, so long as it's pink I don't care if it's bloody. Wait a sec...
Texas
Overheard by: Janie
1PM Alas, Betty Boop Never Learned Her Lesson
Girl #1: That's the last time I ever play the tuba!
Girl #2: At least not with make up on!
Bloomington, Illinois
12PM The Episode Of Full House You Never Saw
Boss: What's the hourly rate for Becky? (pause) I want to know her hourly rate. How much per hour?
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: Brian
11AM To Be Fair, How Would You Explain Twister?
Person #1: Legs, arms, everywhere!
Person #2: Like, male and female?
Person #1: Yes!
Government Office
Ottawa
Canadia
Overheard by: Laura
10AM But Don't Go Telling People, or Else Everyone Will Want To.
Guy in stall, answering cell: Wassup? (pause) Taking a crap. (pause) No. In the bathroom.
Herndon, Virginia
9AM Does It Matter That They're Sexual Harassment Complaint Files?
Woman carrying heavy files: I need to go down to the branch and drop this off.
Man: Hello--I can help you carry that.
Woman: Aww! You had me at "hello"!
Man: You had me at "go down"!
Melville, New York
5PM Also How Papa Smurf Always Felt
Male coworker to female coworker: Will you stop calling me "daddy"? At least in public. Stop calling me "daddy" in public!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
4PM The Office Really Hits My 3G Spot
Coworker #1: I bought my first iPhone app while on vacation. It's called Ragdoll Blaster. It's pretty good.
Coworker #2: You bought an app called Rectal Blaster?
Coworker #1: Ah, it's good to be back.
Princeton, New Jersey
3PM ...or the Coming Weekend?
Voice #1, on other side of the wall: You know, the one with the heroin thing and double-ended dildo!
(silence)
Voice #2: Are we still talking about movies?
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Amanda
2PM And Yet We Soldier Bravely On
Sales manager: You know, they just don't have that old-time VD anymore. Now it just kills you or, makes your dick explode.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
1PM Fried Baby Shrimp, Perhaps?
Young office worker to coworker, just before lunch: I had unprotected sex last night, so I have to run out and get the morning-after pill. Do you want me to grab you something while I'm out?
Trevose, Pennsylvania
12PM Are You Even in a Relationship?
Guy #1: Dude, can you believe breast pumps cost 350 dollars?
Guy #2, walking by: Why the hell are you looking at breast pumps?
Senior partner: There are some things you should really just not say out loud in the office, man. Come on!
Houston, Texas
11AM ...At Length, If Necessary
Manager: So Mike* is leaving.
Office peon #1: Will anyone notice? What does he do, anyway?
Office peon #2: He's a fluffer.
Office peon #1: What?!
Office peon #2: What? He, y'know, fluffs out his job so it looks like he's doing more than he is.
Manager to office peon #1: After the meeting, you explain.
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: EarleyDaysYet
10AM Jack Daniels and Cigarettes Tend to Level the Gender Playing Field
Female coworker: I'm about half tired of people calling me "sir" on the phone. Do I sound that much like a man?
Male coworker: You don't sound like a man, you sound like a drag queen.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: bigcutebeachgirl
9AM Gives a Mean Blowjob, Though
Coworker to another: My son got into GATE classes... He's not even smart!
Orange County, California
5PM ...of the Mummies.
Coworker: King Tut's tomb didn't make you sick, moron, it was eating all the testicles!
Dayton, Ohio
4PM And I'm Prepared to Give You a Premature Evaluation
Admin to big boss: I like it when someone gives me work and I can finish it immediately and get it right back to them. I'm a wham-bam-thank-you-mam kind of girl.
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Not suprised to hear it
3PM I'd Use the Ladies' Room on Another Floor
Office girl leaving restroom: That's it! I'm done with all my girl parts!
Hawaii
2PM Or at Least Send Over a Camera Crew
Coworker on phone: Look, she's not my girlfriend, she's just my roommate--you can't evict me because she is walking around outside the apartment with no pants on. Okay, I'll come try to get her to put her pants back on.
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM Pirates, Duh
CEO, to no one in particular: So we're talking to this fucking prick up in Alaska, and I keep hearing this whistling. So I say "hey man, what the fuck is that noise? Turns out it's his fucking parrot, so I tell him to kill the fucker. Who has parrots?
Portland, Oregon
12PM My Eggs Must Be Done
Woman in bathroom stall, quietly to herself: My crotch smells like bacon!
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
11AM Sneaks Around on Her
Sales rep: No, she's back with her boyfriend, who's just a dick. Actually, not even interesting enough to be a dick. I mean, he works at Foot Locker.
West Bridgewater, Massachusetts
10AM ...Just Know That I'm Totally Gonna Read It.
Peon #1: Don't put that paper in the bin, it won't get recycled. Put it in the confidential waste bin, the stuff in there does get recycled.
Peon #2: But it's not confidential waste.
Peon #1: Well, write a secret on it and then put it in, if that'll make you feel better.
Glasgow
Scotland
Overheard by: PumpkinSpider
9AM Translation: I'm Too Important to Google
Boss: How do you spell "sopping"?
Assistant: I don't know, just google it.
Boss: Haven't you realized yet that you're my google?
Salem, Oregon
Overheard by: Jax
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