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November 2009 Archives
5PM The Aisles Only Go Up to 13.
Saleslady to woman: How may I help you?
Woman: Hi, I'm looking for something specific.
(45 seconds of silence)
Saleslady: Aisle 14.
Victor, New York
Overheard by: Yikes!
4PM Here's T.S. Eliot to Explain
Receptionist: What month is April?
Dentist Office
Arlington Heights, Illinois
3PM Penis?
Cube dweller #1: Know what I was thinking?
Cube dweller #2, watching hottie walking by: Soft luscious hooters and long muscular legs?
Cube dweller #1: Umm... No. (turns to watch hottie) I should have been, but it was something else.
Woodland Hills, California
Overheard by: Gunboat
2PM Judging from His Coffee Mug
College secretary: George loved my dip!
College rep: He also likes penis.
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: it's true
1PM ...Well, I Don't Mean It in a Sexually Harassing Way, Sir...
Trainee: This customer is mad because we won't cover an accident that happened before he was insured with us. He won't stop yelling!
Trainer: Ha! He's gonna have to suck eggs on that one! Sucks for him. But seriously, go through the facts and dates with him and explain why we won't cover it. Stay calm and apologize. You can do this!
Trainee, to customer: Thank you for holding. This... uh... Okay. My manager says you have to suck eggs, I'm sorry.
Riverview Parkway, San Diego
12PM Wait, Wouldn't "the Sensitive Type".... Oh, Never Mind.
Female office worker #1, about anal sex: I've never had a guy even try... I wonder if it's because of us, or the guys we date?
Female office worker #2: I don't think it's me. It must be the guys. You go for the "sensitive type."
Female office worker #1: Yeah ... and you go for douchebags.
Commonwealth Ave
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Oh Dear
11AM ...So Looks Like You've Got Egg on Your Face.
Editor: I don't think the parallel between origami and dead chicken is made well enough.
Austin, Texas
10AM On-the-Job Training Rocks in This Company
Office gal: No, that goes in vertically.
Office guy: Vertically? Where? Here?
Office gal: No, in the little hole.
Office guy: What? No way!
Office gal: Yeah, you gotta fanagle it a little bit to get the gap to open up, so you can stick it in there.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: That's what she said?...
9AM Let's Just Make Sure They're Clean This Time.
HR rep #1, in HR team meeting: We're having a compliance visit tomorrow. Harry is bringing some HQ reports we don't have access to.
HR rep #2, loudly: Oh, fabulous. That's like someone going through your underwear drawer (begins to fade) and pulling out the granny panties (almost inaudible) with all the stuff... (trails off, then loudly) What?
Fontana, California
5PM Business Has Been Crappy Everywhere
Coworker on phone to business contact: So, are you talking about fecal year 2008 or 2009?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: analyst
4PM Men Often Have No Idea
Leader: Oh, she's turned on!
Office drone: I thought we turned her off.
Leader: We did turn her off. I turned her on yesterday, but then I turned her off.
Office drone: Then why is she turned on?
Leader: I don't know why she's turned on!
Winnipeg
Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: kinda turned on
3PM Tonight's Movie: The Phantom Of the Performance Review
Account manager, yelling across the hall: He needs you to bring more photo paper, and black ink.
PR exec, yelling back: A black cape?
Account manager: No, ink!
PR exec: A cape?
Account manager: He wants ink!
PR exec: Why does he want a cape?
London
Canadia
2PM Everybody Hates a Seagull Manager
Colleague on phone: He sits in his office reading the paper, and then he wanders out, shits on everybody, eats their French fries, and leaves.
London
Canadia
1PM And She Has Yet to See the Connection
Woman at the copier: I'm not saying she's a whore, just that she likes penis more than her kids.
Jackson, Tennessee
12PM And I Won't Deny Him His Crystal Meth
Chatty IT guy: He's 94 years old. Who cares if he's a heroin addict?
Kansas City, Missouri
11AM You Don't See Dress Socks With Garters Much Anymore
Groundskeeper to ops guy: Nothing happened. He just took his pants off!
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: I Don't Wanna Know....
10AM Our Healthcare System, in a Nutshell.
Tech #1: Is that illegal?
Tech #2: No, but it's unethical.
Tech #1: Okay, then let's do it.
Butler, Pennsylvania
9AM ...Or, in Short, "I Do Not Foresee Any Sort Of Problem or Issue with Using a URL Shortener to Shorten a URL That Is Shorter Than the Shortened URL."
Tech guy #1: You don't see a problem using a URL shortener to shorten a URL that is shorter than the shortened URL?
Tech guy #2: No!
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: really short URL
5PM Though I Do Remember Jenny's! (867-5309)
Office worker: Do you know why this code is causing a problem?
Web developer manager: I only know worthless things. I know all the lyrics to "American Pie," but I can't remember my mother's phone number.
Piscataway, New Jersey
Overheard by: Caroline
4PM Read and Heed, Dear Reader
Make-up artist: I heard you broke your wiener.
Male performer: Damn it, who told you? You're the eighth person to ask me that this morning.
Make-up artist: Oh, Mike* told me.
Male performer: That guy!
Make-up artist: He's the wiener whisperer.
Adult Film Company
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: fetishgirl
1PM He's All, "Waah Waah Waah, Bone Cancer!"
Male coworker to female supervisor: Sorry about your son.
Female supervisor: He's a wimp!
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Neighbor with headphones on
12PM We Also Would Have Accepted "Stop, Hey, What's That Sound?"
Data analyst, yelling: Listen... Listen! (pause, then whispering) Ice, ice baby...
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: data monkey
11AM To Be Fair, There Are Several
Secretary #1: I'm going to Atlanta this weekend.
Secretary #2: Cool! The city or the island?
New York Presbyterian Hospital
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Vespertine
10AM Unless It Counts When He Sticks His Nose in My Crotch
Coworker #1: How's the new dog?
Coworker #2: It's a shitload of work. I haven't been out in weeks.
Coworker #1: Really? That sucks!
Coworker #2: I think my dog is turning me asexual.
Washington, DC
9AM Some Employees Embrace Their Work More Than Others
Stressed office worker, picking up phone: Thank you for helping, may I hold you?
Greensboro, North Carolina
5PM Not If He's Worried About E. Coli.
Psychiatric nurse, to rest of treatment team, about patient who almost choked: You know Mark*, he sees a big piece of meat, he just puts the whole thing in his mouth.
Catawba, Virginia
4PM I Mean, How Hard Can Delivering a Baby Be?
Tech: You can get a manual off their website.
Supervisor: In English?
Tech: No... But it has pictures!
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Robert
3PM I'm Going Back to My Cubicle Before I Out Myself
Male #1: You have a Buddha head! I just want to rub it! Do you like it when people rub your head?
Male #2: Yes, I do.
Male #1: Okay, this just got weird.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
2PM Career Tip: Take Good Care Of Yourself; the Company Won't.
Employee: My hand is starting to tingle. It might be carpal tunnel.
Boss: Stop being a little bitch.
Financial Firm
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Michael
1PM Otherwise, You're Just Lying There Thinking Of England
Finance controller: Semantics matter when you're getting screwed!
Brampton
Ontario
Canadia
12PM So When You Called Me a Bitch...
Tax guy, planning baby shower and creating a gag gift: Hey Laurel, I need your six nipples first thing in the morning!
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Erin
11AM We Should Get Her Together with the Creepy Hugs Guy!
Female peon to male peon: Inappropriate hugs are my favorite kind!
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: HR Specialist
10AM I'd Pay It, but I Just Love Getting Mail
Coworker #1: Hey, they're stupid, this is already the third time they are sending me the same bill.
Coworker #2: You know what, it's called a "reminder."
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Bächli
9AM The National Prayer Breakfast Affects Everyone Differently
Quiet voice in stall, after long gaseous emission: Thank you, lord.
Melville, New York
Overheard by: dying inside
5PM How Did Office Worker #2 Do on the Quiz? Show Your Work.
Office worker #1: I got 10 out of 10 in the quiz!
Office worker #2: Did you get the first question correct?
Adelaide
Australia
4PM How Many Men in San Francisco Feel About "Lady Parts"
Receptionist: I'm not so sure I want it now that I put it in my mouth.
San Francisco, California
3PM The Terminator Gets This All the Time
Tenant to office building manager: Do you have anything that is big, hard, and metal?
Ottawa
Canadia
2PM ...Oh Wait, No, That's My Foot.
Southern lady #1: Oh my goodness, I lost my ring!
Southern lady #2: Oh no! Let me help you look for it.
Southern lady #1: Well, I think I put it on today. Aw man, that's gonna bug me all day. Oh dear. Oh, wait... It's on my other hand! I found it!
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
1PM Smells Like Team Spirit
Tech guy: I do have an example dump, if you want to look at it.
Des Plaines, Illinois
12PM Tonight on 20/20
Female worker, at a work-sponsored pizza party: My older brother picked on me all the time. Play-fighting, just rough-housing, you know. He is deceased, now.
Insensitive female worker: Because she killed him!
San Francisco, California
11AM So Will They Still Charge Him Vacation Time?
Coworker #1: Bill died this weekend.
Coworker #2: Really? I thought he was on vacation!
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Really?
10AM I Was Forced to File for Chapter 69
Old drone: I started my own business. You know what I started on? Unemployment and my girlfriend.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
9AM ...But Either Way, I'd Lose the Braces
Office manager, on decrease of patient numbers: Well, doc, I know you're going down on your patients but... wait, that wasn't the right way to say that.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Jill
5PM I Wondered Why My Job Description Said "Fluffer"...
Boss to coworker: Mary, please start playing with this huge package.
Medfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: But that's MY package!
4PM Just Like It Says in All Of Our Job Descriptions
Facilities manager to entire staff: And for the men in the office, please don't spit chew into the urinals, as it can clog the pipes and is very difficult to remove.
Engineer, joking: Oh, I see, single out the men. What about the girls?
Female QA manager, who actually chews: We don't spit, we swallow.
Boise, Idaho
Overheard by: testcenter cowboy
3PM Fortunately Your Backup Alarm Saved My Rear Quarter Panel
Coworker, about near-collision the night before: Mark*, I swear when I looked back last night you weren't pulling out! (entire office collapses in giggles)
Hailey, Idaho
2PM ...Senator.
Coworker, on phone to client: We provide all sorts of services, it just depends on whether or not you're willing to pay for them.
Edmonton
Canadia
1PM Tonight on Logo
Male boss, on phone with male contractor: I'm tellin' ya, man. I need nine inches!
Wentzville, Missouri
12PM Um, That's the New Intern.
Branch manager: Maybe it's a seeing eye goat!
Brownsville, Texas
11AM Every Day Of My Single Life, in a Nutshell.
Secretary on personal phone call: Oh yeah? You're just gonna fall asleep with your finger on it again?
Lincoln Park, Michigan
Overheard by: T
10AM Mind the Generation Gap
Employee #1: Otis Redding.
Employee #2: Otis Redding? Who's that?
Employee #3: Isnt' that the guy from Andy Griffith? The drunk guy?
Employee #1: No. Otis Redding sang that "Dock of the Bay" song. His dad shot and killed him.
Employee #2: No. That's Marvin Gaye.
Employee #1: Marvin Gaye? Who's that?
Van Buren, Arkansas
9AM Not the Worst Childbirth Story We've Ever Heard
Cafe register girl: If I hadn't opened my legs, it wouldn't have fallen out. And when it did fall, it made a lot of noise!
Austin, Texas
5PM Pass the Penetrating Oil
Employee #1: You are so anal about cleaning...
Employee #2: I am the queen of anal.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jodie
4PM Though I Did Think "Smokey" Was an Unusual Name
Loud finance lady on the phone: Oh, so you're a bear? I never would have guessed.
Stratford, Connecticut
3PM Whatever You Say, Richard Gere.
30-something communications manager: I've learned to love my wild gay hairs... "Gray" hairs!
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
2PM And She Has Difficulty Recognizing Furniture
Peon #1: Why didn't she put the cream that I bought on the buffet table?
Peon #2: I don't think she knows what cream looks like.
Falls Church, Virginia
1PM Or Would That Be Cheetahng?
Receptionist: What if a man mated with a cheetah? Would he be able to participate in the Olympics?
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: Cheetaur
12PM ...Just As You Requested.
Tech guy to intern: If you take that network diagram, cut and paste it into word, save it as an mp3 and play it back, it will be circus music.
Solana Beach, California
11AM The Chipmunk's Cheeks Need to Look Full for This Photo Shoot
Manager loudly on phone: Now you're gonna have to put a golf ball in there, and it'll be twice as big!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
10AM Why Was Jesus Always With the Disciples, Man?
Geek #1: Yeah, I'm pretty good with the chicks these days.
Geek #2: Oh, yeah? How?
Geek #1: I just walk up to them and be like "how you doiiiinn'" and I got them.
Geek #2: Then why are you always with me?
SUNY
New Paltz, New York
9AM But in a Dark Room in the Middle Of the Day, They're a Lifesaver
Coworker: I don't mind wearing my glasses. I just don't like to when it is raining or snowing or when I'm out at night... or when it's sunny outside.
Manhattan
5PM Why Crocs Exist
Office bimbette: Oh my god, that place is so weird. I hate going there with all those guys. I have to make sure I look really ugly when I go there.
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: at least she doesn't have to try that hard...
4PM It Being Halloween and All
Boss, answering cell: Hello? (pause) Yeah, I just wanted to check if you were wearing pants today.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
3PM I Translate His Words Into the Language Of Decent People
Female program manager: You got a sec?
Male program manager: I have lots of secs.
(pause)
Engineer: He means he has a lot of time.
Utah
Overheard by: Snickering Intern
2PM We Told You It Was the Latest Fad
Coworker #1: What kind of creamer is that?
Coworker #2: It's Bailey's.
Coworker #1: You put Bailey's in your coffee at work?
Coworker #2: Yeah, I always put Bailey's in my coffee. It's not that strong or anything.
Coworker #1: Can I get some of that?
Des Plaines, Illinois
1PM They Totally Have an App for That
Male coworker to female coworker: Naw! You should just put out for the iPhone.
Oakbrook Terrace, Illinois
Overheard by: Corporate America Ate My Young Adulthood
12PM Sorry, I Don't Mean to Smack You Upside the Head, but It's Called For.
Coworker: Sorry, I don't mean to laugh, but it is just so sad.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
11AM Blame the Interns for Walking Around with Jello-shots Between Their Boobs
Assistant: Yeah, sorry, I don't know how that happened. It's probably because I drink at work.
Baltimore, Maryland
10AM What, 2016?
Coworker #1: Rio de Janeiro just won the vote to host the 2016 Olympic Games.
Coworker #2: Is that like a perfume?
Charles City, Iowa
9AM And by "a While," I Mean "Since the Eighties"
Supervisor: He hasn't been coming to work because he is an alcoholic.
Coworker: I know what that feels like. Last week I was drinking for a while in my yard and I totally pissed my pants. I had to wash them.
San Diego, California
5PM My Inbox Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of
Boss: What is all of this? My e-mail is overflowing with junk mail.
Manager: Just delete it all.
Manager, to assistant: You hear that, Jen*? You gotta keep your junk clean!
(silence followed by uncontrollable laughter)
Jen: That wasn't inappropriate at all.
Edmonton
Canadia
4PM ...And We Know Times Are Tight...
Coworker on phone: Well, we do have backdoor service, but it's more expensive than our other services.
West Rutland, Vermont
3PM Raise Your Hand If This'd Be the Highlight Of Your Day
Moderately surprised office person: Huh? A fly just flew up my nose!
Barely interested office person: Is that right?
Moderately surprised office person: Yeah! It was buzzing around and went right in my nose!
Barely interested office person: That must have been surprising.
Moderately surprised office person: It was!
Barely interested office person: I have some dead flies in some vinegar over here.
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Just buzzing
2PM Billy Mays Is Still Making Commercials from the Great Beyond
Admin to another: Did you ever want to take over some guy's body and use it for the night?
Falls Church, Virginia
1PM Is It Just Us, or Are You Imagining Romantic Music Swelling in the Background?
Male employer: You shaved this morning!
Male employee: Your hands are cold!
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Way Too Early in the Morning
12PM Aren't Dong Bongs Illegal in Ohio?
Coworker: It's so cheesy--the dong. It's like "here, hit the dong! We're not giving you a raise, but you get to hit the dong."
Dublin, Ohio
Overheard by: MissTW
11AM It Was the Count from Sesame Street!
Strategist #1, in comical accent: That's a match!
Strategist #2: I can't tell if that was Borat or one of the Mario Brothers.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: McNasty
10AM Now Behold As I Roughly Grab Your Breast
Male sales manager to female coworker: Yes, I've taken the "Sexual harassment and workplace violence" classes, and I can do both!
Waterloo, Iowa
9AM ...We Are Quite Conservatory.
Very country legal assistant to hearing office rep: Well... That Irene Davis and I have been commuting.
Hearing office rep: What?
Very country legal assistant: Commuting... Ya know, talking.
Law Firm
Lower Alabama
Overheard by: How embarassing for the rest of us
5PM Did What Happen?
Coworker: So wait, did it happen on September or November 11th?
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: J
2PM When You Get Your MBA from Rip Taylor University
Female coworker to male coworker: I need some edible glitter!
Dallas, Texas
1PM His Name Was Ibid.
Coworker: I just think young people don't have good work ethnics. (a couple minutes later) My grandfather was a very interesting man. I wrote a bibliography about him.
Saskatoon
Saskatchwan
Canadia
12PM He Was Like, "How'd You Know??"
Colleague, typing important serious e-mail to client: Ooops! I typed "sorry for any incontinence!"
Adelaide
Australia
Overheard by: PMSL
11AM I Guess I Could Bring It to You, but It Would Take Forever on Horseback!
Customer to insurance agent: How am I supposed to fax you a copy of my police report? This is my only copy!
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM The Fashion Industry Ruins Things, Even in Wyoming
Elected official: I think it's working, but we have to change something.
Casper, Wyoming
9AM The Real Fabric Of Our Lives
Mom: We can visit the Eli Whitney museum.
Kid: Who is he?
Mom: He invented gin.
Connecticut
Overheard by: Geoff
5PM Um, Wouldn't "a Trash Can for Tampons" Be Better?
Office manager: Empty your bucket full of love right here in the garbage can.
Manhattan, New York
4PM You Know Those Days You'd Kill to Get Something Accomplished?
Office worker: The only way you can print is from the report?
System support person, on speakerphone: Yeah, we're trying to fix that.
Office worker: Wait! You can print from the report?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
3PM Coincidence?
College recruiter: I don't feel like I drink too much, but I certainly feel like I get hungover too often.
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: i feel that.
2PM I've Earned a Little Grope.
Woman trainer: The system is down today. I think I might go get a mammogram instead of working.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Patrick
1PM Single-User Databases Leave Everyone Unsatisfied
Supervisor: Can you pull out of there now?
Peon: I'm not quite done with it yet.
Sacramento, California
12PM ...Stop Interrupting, Mom!
Male on phone: Oh my god, let met tell you about the prostitute. (pause) No, no, no! The one in Mexico.
Oakland, California
11AM By Loudly Reading Out Calorie Counts
Case manager #1: We need to go to McDonald's.
Case manager #2: What are we gonna get?
Case manager #1: No, just to scare the kids.
San Antonio, Texas
10AM The Rest Is Potential Band Names
Female office worker to another: Most of the stuff on my to-do list is stuff I have to do.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Whaaaaat?
9AM It's Renée Zellweger.
Secretary: This looks like a tiny dead bird.
Director: But it's not one, that's the important part.
University of Maine
Orono, Maine
5PM In Case You Wonder What She's Talking About, Dear Reader
Professor: Many cultures handle cleanliness in many ways.
Female student: But just because you're OCD about being clean doesn't mean you're not susceptible to getting herpes.
Fullerton, California
4PM Eh, You've Taught Public School. You Should Be Fine.
Female phone-monkey: Oh my god! There are animals there? I've never been to the zoo!
Call Centre
Kitchener
Canadia
Overheard by: Kryssy
3PM NYC Office Christmas Parties Are the Stuff Of Legend
Employee, yelling down the hall: Two months till table dancing.
Manhattan, New York
2PM You Might Glimpse This Magnificent Creature Grazing on the Salad Bar
Employee, about coworker: Now, she is what we call an "amazon woman." She's been known to eat puppies, kittens, and babies. You might have to jog a bit to keep up with her. Following the amazon woman to lunch is like chasing a wildebeest across the savannah.
Dallas, Texas
1PM That Explains My First Child...
Woman to another, in restroom: Well, I don't think about it that hard. I just keep sticking it in there and wait to see what happens.
Union City, Tennessee
Overheard by: Did She just say that?
12PM And Who'd Spend That Much Money on Something Without a Windscreen?
Female coworker, looking out the window: Aw, look at the little kids, they're so cute!
Male coworker: I hate kids.
Female coworker: Why?
Male coworker: They're just too small to be natural...
Edinburgh
Scotland
Overheard by: Idris
11AM What? Foreign Geography Always Trips Me Up.
Female coworker #1 to male coworker: So, where are you from again?
Male coworker: Chicago.
Female coworker #2 to male coworker: Wait! Is Chicago the state or is Illinois the state?
Male coworker: Is that a real question?
Seattle, Washington
10AM ...Posthumously
Tech: Am I good to go?
Supervisor: Yeah, just make sure next time you return your work truck, it doesn't smell like Bob Marley farted in it.
Millbrae, California
9AM No Thanks-- I Have Them on Speed Dial.
CSR to friend: So apparently my lymphedema makes me more likely to get cancer in the future...
Boss, interrupting: That's a relief. Not that I'd wish cancer on you. More the fact that you're more likely to get it than me. I like that sort of news. We need more of that around here! (walks off).
CSR's friend: Here's HR's number.
Newcastle
England
Overheard by: Trying to hide
5PM No.
Male boss, on phone: Should I grab my package?
Fort Washington, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Had to Hit Mute
4PM The Hills, in a Nutshell.
Boss to employee: I mean, it's not rocket scientists.
Springfield, Missouri
3PM We'll Beat the Mayo Out Of Your Cinco
Bossman: Ted*, keep in mind: if you screw this up, we will beat you like a pinñata. We'll beat you till the candy comes out.
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Bossman Cometh
2PM Inspired Me to Go Into Proctology
Coworker, in hushed voice: You know, the thing about black men is that they have really nice asses. They really do.
National Institutes of Health
Bethesda, Maryland
1PM With My Teatometer
Engineer #1: Hey, where is your bush gauge?
Engineer #2: I keep it on the top shelf.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: At the keybored
12PM ...And Putting the Boogers in Your Lunch
Lawyer to another: Just so you know, I'm going to make a concerted effort to quit picking my nose.
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Jeeb
11AM Let's Just Say It Involved The Economist
Colleague: I just had a sense of perverse satisfaction in the gents toilets.
York
England
Overheard by: Yuck
10AM Indoor Rain Usually Means the Sprinkler System Went Off
Manager entering office: It's raining pretty heavy.
Woman: Outside?
Manager, staring blankly for several seconds: Uh... yeah.
North Carolina
Overheard by: Seriously?
9AM No You Won't, Ms. Alley.
Office drone: I'm going to go home, snuggle into bed, and eat pudding until I throw up. Then I'll feel better.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: He had a big bag of Valhrona pudding, too.
5PM ...A Couple Of Working Stiffs Like You?
Supervisor to coworkers trying to lift a desk: Having trouble getting it up?
Corvallis, Oregon
4PM China Wear Is Very Popular This Season.
Coworker to another: I love your shirt. I have some plates that look just like it.
Orlando, Florida
3PM Either That, or I'll Have to Give Up Peanut Butter Sandwiches
Coworker to table: Guys, as much as I love talking about poo, do we have to talk about it every meal?
Los Angeles, California
2PM How a Lot Of Us Feel During Tax Time
Lady to colleague: And they mangled his sphincter...
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Aly
1PM At the Greenpeace Prosthetic Whale Penis Factory
Male coworker #1: Well, we played with it enough, it's not hanging out as much.
Male supervisor: Yeah, if you beat on it enough, eventually these things go in.
(uncomfortable silence)
Male supervisor: Do you think I could go see it?
Male coworker #2: Yeah, just make sure you don't pull on it!
Richland, Washington
Overheard by: I think they were talking about a server...
12PM I Work Here?
Lauren*: So I went on this diet and I was eating cream of mushroom soup. And I thought, "wow, this is awfully thick. It's like pudding!" Then I realized you're supposed to put water in it.
Boss: Jesus Christ, Lauren*!
Lauren*: I know, right?
Boss: Why did we hire you again?
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Aeirlys
11AM We Imagine Ving Rhames in This Role
Starbucks barista: And what size would you like?
Very tall and intimidating black man with deep voice: My size.
(barista grabs largest cup available)
Santa Rosa, California
Overheard by: One-Hit
10AM This Beats Our Prior Record Of 12 Inches
New lady at the office: I need two big ones. Do you have a big one?
Contractor: Yes, mine's at least 19 inches.
Washington, DC
9AM Pop Quiz: Which One Is Mormon?
Female boss at IT meeting: What were you doing at lunch that made you so sweaty?
Male developer #1: Just washing my wife's car.
Male developer #2: So, did you have a good time "washing your wife's car?"
(everyone laughs)
Female boss: You can wash my car anytime you want.
Male developer #1: Uh... okay.
Female boss: What?
Fayetteville, Arkansas
5PM Yeah, I'll Need That Back, for Legal Reasons
Coworker to another who just took a bite of his lunch: Oh great, now I have your DNA in my mouth!
West Chester, Pennsylvania
4PM Does the Camera Really Add Ten Pounds?
Guy standing at urinal: Is it weird that I think there are cameras in these? You know, because they're automatic.
Lynchburg, Virginia
3PM And Why Are You Snapping Photos?
Coworker, trying to get security card out of pocket: Why would you stand there and let me unbutton my pants when you already had yours out?
Nashville, Tennessee
2PM Clearly Someone Who's Never Seen a Fistfight in a Lesbian Bar
Coworker: My wife doesn't do it rough enough. You know how it is: women just don't have strong enough hands.
Austin, Texas
1PM I Find Those Two Statements to Be Incompatible
Boss to others, while riding to lunch: You don't want to eat at Infinity, the only thing on the menu there is penis.
Pittsbrurgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Brad
12PM Or Having Grunty Sex with My Assistant. Either Way.
New boss to room full of employees: I want everyone to know I'm a friend. My door is always open... except for when it's closed. When it's closed I'm generally yelling at someone, so you won't want to come in.
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: Not Surprised
11AM ...That's Almost a Good As Knowing an Idol Contestant!
Office lady #1: Did you hear? My buddy shot and killed someone Monday night.
Office lady #2: Uh, what?
Office lady #1: Yep, my buddy Tex! (scurries over to pick up newspaper to proudly show)
Office lady #2: Wow. That's a bit strange.
Office lady #1: I know. Now I know someone that killed somebody!
Jacksonville, Florida
10AM Since I'll Never Find One Who's Willing to Marry Me
Smirky coworker in room full of women: Well, two thirds of the people in the US who make minimum wage are women, so it's not my problem.
Rochester, New York
9AM Otherwise This "Dropped the Soap With" SuperPoke Has No Meaning
Coworker on phone: I wish people in prison had access to Facebook.
Pensacola Beach, Florida
5PM Like I Need My Paycheck
Boss: Sue, I need you.
Sure: Aw, boss, I need you too.
Alpharetta, Georgia
4PM One More Step and I'll Blast You Full Of Citrus!
Chipper CSA: I'm showing you completely surrounded by the orange!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: They'll Never Take Me Alive!
3PM Abort Conversation! Abort Conversation!
Male employee #1: I am going out on a date tonight with a 4'11" Filipina. She runs triathlons.
Male employee #2: That's short. You know, her head will be at about your stomach.
Male employee #1, after long pause: I kind of want her to break me.
Sacramento, California
2PM ...Or "Human"
Technology director: No, that's "u," as in "eunuch."
Columbia, South Carolina
1PM You're Forgiven, Santa.
Coworker to office: Woo-hoo! I'm almost done with my list! Then I'm going to have a little party with myself! Um... That didn't sound good.
Seattle, Washington
12PM Peer Pressure and Piercings Can Be a Deadly Combination
Office lady #1: I need a haircut like I need a hole in the head!
Office lady #2: Me too! I'm going to get one right now!
Office lady #1: Hey, so am I!
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: i heart cubicles
11AM That Exposed-Nutsack Episode Of Friends?
20-something Italian male, loudly: Why do you think I never wear shorts?
Groton, Connecticut
10AM Hot to Get Rid Of a Telemarketer: A Simulation
Boss on phone: I dreamed about pork last night... Is that weird?
Adelaide
Australia
9AM And No One Locked You Inside? Curious.
Worker #1: Hey boss, this safe is over 7 feet tall!
Boss: Oh, geez!
(calls worker #2 over)
He's saying the safe is over 7 feet tall. Do you went to measure it? Why did you tell me it was less than 5 feet?
Worker #2: Well, when I went to check it I could stand inside it and I'm 5'2"
Nederland, Texas
5PM Better Stand Back
CEO: How big is yours?
Manager: I don't know, I'll have to check.
Freehold, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rob
4PM Either Way, Nobody Likes Compiling the Meeting Minutes
Coworker #1: I don't want Grant to see my notes.
Coworker #2: You did say "notes," right? Not "nuts"?
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: It was a universal sentiment.
3PM We Just Put It in the Trunk; We'll Bury It Later
Coworker #1, walking down hallway: What's so wrong with beating dead whores?
Coworker #2: I don't really know what to say right now.
Coworker #1: See! In this morning's meeting nobody else said anything about it either. I was just saying that we need to stop talking about the budget because it's like beating dead whores. Like that saying goes. But the conversation just kind of stopped.
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Jen
2PM Ad: "With Our New Space-Saving Invention, Now You Can Be a Slut-- Even on the Go!"
Frustrated girl: My stripper shoes won't fit in my bag!
Surry Hills
Sydney
Australia
1PM I Hear Liberty Was a Total Crackhead
Coworker, ending discussion on Philadelphia's history: So the Liberty Bell was the bell people rang... when liberty came?
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
12PM ...Why's Everyone Giggling at Us?
Oblivious programmer #1, discussing lunch: It's good... It's very, very soft.
Oblivious programmer #2: It's all about everything. It's about the sauce.
Oblivious programmer #1: It's my first time. It could be the last time.
Westwood, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I love work
11AM That Explains the Heel Marks on Your Cheek
Coworker #1: Did you have the pleasure of talking to that nasty woman on the phone?
Coworker #2: Believe me, I've had plenty of nasty women this week.
Richmond, Virginia
10AM It'll Take Me Hours to Lick It All Up.
Male custodian: Aw jeez, I just dropped my nuts on the floor.
Female custodian: Oh my goodness, look at the mess you've made!
Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Giggled
9AM The Two Types Of Weekend in Texas
Office goon #1: Girl, you were so drunk on Saturday night!
Office goon #2: No! I wasn't drunk...I was drugged!
Austin, Texas
5PM Let's Just Say Tom Sawyer Tricked Me, and Leave It at That.
Woman, wiping back of another in halter: What's with all the red on your back?
Woman in halter: I don't know. (pause) Oh, is there white paint on there, too?
Woman, stopping wiping: What have you been doing?
Glendale, Wisconsin
4PM A Man's Gotta Eat
Boastful rare coin dealer: Oh, yeah, I sold a piece yesterday--$7,700.
Impressionable cashier girl: Wow... wow!
Boastful rare coin dealer: Day before that, sold a coin for four grand.
Impressionable cashier girl: That's unbelievable. Oh... debit or credit?
Boastful rare coin dealer: Food stamps.
Levittown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Flynn
3PM Raise Your Hand If You Love USB Ports
Female case worker: I don't care, just stick it anywhere.
Male clerk: Bada-boom bada-bing, stick it in the front?
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Spazzy
2PM How Kate Moss Got Her Professional Name
Female: But there's like four or five on one arm!
Male: I know they're green, but are they hard? Soft?
Female: Big. Green.
New York State Psychiatric Institute
Overheard by: Rina
1PM And Neptune Is When You Only Date One Person at a Time
Boss to friend: "Monogamy" is when you don't know if it's a male or female. "Androgony" is a planet.
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Jessica
12PM Are We Ever Gonna Stop Keeping It Real?
Girl: Oh, I've really done it now!
Friend: What?
Girl: Don't worry, you'll smell it in a minute.
Manhattan, New York
12PM After the Fourth or Fifth Time, It Starts to Get Redundant
Front desk guy at staff meeting: Ah, yes... I'll shoot that one out to all of you by Friday.
Male office director: Oh, Michael, I love it when you talk dirty!
Female secretary: Erm... I'm not putting that in the minutes.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: taking notes
11AM And Prepare to Receive Communication from the CEO
Coworker: The first message I have is Dave claiming to be a proctologist. Which is why I'm not sure I want to be in this conversation.
Dave: Bend over.
Alpharetta, Georgia
10AM I Was Going to Say "Babies"
Assistant #1: Do you know what they used to use to get the color in red velvet cake?
Assistant #2: Blood?
Assistant #1: No. Beets.
Assistant #2: That's disgusting.
Supervisor: Compared to your guess?
Sacramento, California
9AM We Stopped That Whole "Give Us Your Poor, Your Tired..." Thing Ages Ago
Receptionist: No, sir. No, I don't know where you heard that. (pause) No, our judges cannot issue you a new Green Card over the phone.
Baltimore, Maryland
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