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October 2009 Archives
5PM ...What Do You Mean They're Pooping Rubber?
Camp coordinator on cell with staff: So wait... They took your shoes and started chewing on them? (pause) But are your shoes okay now? (pause) Well, that's good then, at least. Sometimes I wonder why I work with children.
Ontario
Canada
Overheard by: Camp really is a magical place...
4PM Why Google Exists
Drone: How do you get involved in the human organ market? Does someone just approach you and ask if you want to start selling kidneys?
Kingsville, Texas
3PM Do Bosses Always Want It Both Ways? Discuss.
IT guy: Yeah, the UI needs to be top-notch. Like the best thing you've ever done. Uh, don't spend too much time on it.
Kirkland, Washington
Overheard by: Ralph H
2PM Like, Why Are They in Cornrows?
Coworker to boss: I hope he doesn't go because his protruding nose hairs are very distracting.
Los Angeles, California
1PM Famed in Song and Story
Male office drone: Aaahhhh! The female urinal!
Perth
Australia
12PM ...What Was Your Wedding Ceremony Like?
Receptionist: There was so much sausage cooking I felt like I was taking a sausage bath.
Eye Doctor's Office
Manhattan, New York
11AM ...But I Think He's at His Knitting Club.
Office girl: I gotta call Peter to tell him he forgot his balls.
Inkster, Michigan
Overheard by: Don't wanna see 'em
10AM Why Hookers Exist: A Parable.
CEO: Always marry for money--the sex is gone from my marriage now, and there's nothing left.
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Somebody Slap That Man
Boss: These nuts are great. (yelling) I want some more of your nuts!
Oklahoma City, Oklahma
Overheard by: freudian flip
5PM Just One Of the Hazards Of Cargo Pants
Event coordinator, after stuttering to clients during meeting: I'm sorry, I must have left my mouth in my other pants.
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Complete Composure
4PM As Plausible As the Idea Of an Engineer With a Sense Of Humor
IT staff to engineer on phone: If you follow the document I sent you, you will be able to complete the web page.
Engineer: I can't read.
Silicon Valley, California
3PM ...I May Have to Go Shopping for Shoes to Clear My Mind.
Woman on cell in shoe store, sighing: Yes, honey, I'm still at the DMV, the lines are horrendous!
Buena Park Mall
Buena Park, California
Overheard by: Glad I'm not married to her
2PM Waterbed Assembly's a Tricky Business
Coworker #1: It was really hard, surprisingly. Took me over an hour to get it in there, though.
Coworker #2: How did you get it out, then?
Coworker #1: Oh, well, it deflated after about five minutes, so that wasn't a problem.
Ottawa
Canadia
1PM ...Speaking Of Which, My Whore Is Coming by at Two.
Boss: Where have you been the past week?
Agent: I went fishing with friends.
Boss: Why?
Agent: I love fishing with friends, and I took a vacation.
Boss: Listen, I love fucking and drinking, but you don't see me taking a week off to do that.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Nicole
12PM Sometimes You Back Into Those Jokes
Boss: Yours is bigger than mine!
Large notebook owner: I'm just lucky I guess.
Coworker: You get what you're given.
Boss: When you're pure like me you just walk into those jokes.
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Beth
11AM I'd Pay Ten Bucks to Hear Will Smith Read the Phone Book
Employee on phone: Last name is "Loveless," as in Artemus Loveless from Wild Wild West. You know, the movie with Will Smith? (awkward pause) Well, I loved the movie.
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: WillSmithFan1
10AM By "She" Do You Mean Your Moms?
Girl, about overhead projection image: Any way you can make that bigger?
Whole class: That's what she said!
University
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: like, for real?
9AM Or Are You Just Looking for an Excuse to Touch Her Boob?
Coworker #1, in call center, taking a caller off hold: Thanks for holding me.
Coworker #2: Are you having problems at home?
Germantown Parkway
Memphis, Tennessee
5PM "On?"
Saleswoman to IT guy: John, I need your help. My computer isn't working at all. I tried everything.
John: Okay, I'll be right over.
(goes over, takes a look)
John: Did you think to try to turn it on?
Marlborough, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Dawn Elizabeth
4PM Now Golf Department, Show Me Your Woods!
Store manager to employee: Can you tighten your ballbag, please? I want all ballbags to be tight.
(customers start giggling and laughing)
Store manager: Come on, guys, we're in a sports store--the word "ballbag" isn't funny here!
Melbourne
Australia
3PM Making Kids Is the Easy Part
Customer on cell: Yes, darling. I do have to bring her home, she's our daughter.
Ontario
Canadia
2PM Susie Kicked Ass at the Gender Stereotype Semifinals
Girl coworker: Well, I think I'm probably better at math than you are, cause I'm good at calculus and algebra. But you're good at... that one with the angles and triangles and stuff. What's it called?
Guy coworker: You mean geometry?
Girl coworker: Yeah! Geography!
Calgary
Canadia
Overheard by: Smarter than both of them
1PM ...And P.S.- - Congratulations!
Instructor in hallway: Jacob! Where are your clothes, naked boy? Naked boy!
Martial Arts Academy
Virginia Beach, Virginia
12PM Sorority Rush, in a Nutshell
Guy to girl: You're crying, you're upset, and you have to show boob when you don't want.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Basia Emano
11AM Are You Coming Onto Me, Sir?
Boss: I'm Mexican, but I love tacos.
Tulsa, Oklahoma
10AM ...Or Like Every Guy Who Sleeps with Me.
Blonde coworker: Hey, how do you spell "lit"?
Bemused coworker: "Lit"? Like "lit" a fire?
Blonde coworker: Yeah.
Alameda, California
9AM It's the Only Thing She Knows How to Say in English
Middle-aged lady to another: You sit down and I'll take you for a ride...
Edmonton
Canadia
5PM Mr. Peanut Can Get Very Salty
Tech guy: She can superscript these nuts.
Columbus, Ohio
4PM On the Seventh Day, the Lord Created Irony
Manager: Do you want to hear the rumors about layoffs and so on? Well, what I've been hearing is that things will be quiet for a while.
(flash of lightning followed by huge ominous boom of thunder)
Manager: No, I mean it!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Rose Fox
3PM The Same Reason I Outline My Nipples in Sharpie
Coworker #1: And then it just exploded all over my pants.
Coworker #2: That sucks.
Coworker #1: Well, the good news is that if someone mentions the stain on my pants I know that they are looking at my junk.
Houston, Texas
2PM Can I Interest You in Our Conversion Kit?
Male salesperson on phone to female customer: But I can't do that. I can give you a six-inch white one or an eight-inch brown one. I don't have an eight-inch white one!
Majestic Parkway
Bedford Heights, Ohio
1PM ...While Slowly Scrolling Across the Sheets
Manager on phone: Tell me what your box looks like...
University of Wisconsin
12PM You Know Those Guys Whose Signal Keeps Breaking Up?
Marcoms manager: The new Bluetooth dongles are here.
VP of operations: Can I have a dongle?
Marcoms manager: You just like saying the word "dongle."
VP of operations: Actually, I already have a dongle, it's just not a Bluetooth one. (winks)
Marcoms manager: So you can't use it from 33 feet away?
VP of operations: Nope. If I could, that would be like a Tyrannosaurus dongle!
Seattle, Washington
11AM That's More Like a Square Jerk
Coworker #1, about unproductive meeting: It's like a circle jerk?
Coworker #2: A circle jerk where no one comes.
Coworker #1: Those are the worst kinds.
Sacramento, California
10AM George W. Gets This About Laura All the Time
Secretary squeaking loudly, about coworker's hedge: Wow! I love your bush, it's so pretty!
Perth
Australia
Overheard by: Michael
9AM And the Screen Went Black After I Poured the Last Of It in
Coworker, calling IT department: Hi, I am running low on pixel fluid for my monitor.
Hagerstown, Maryland
5PM Raise Your Hand If You're This Guy in Your Office
Salesguy #1: We have more sweaters on the rack.
Salesguy #2: Hahaha! "Rack"!
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Maggie
4PM Victimless Crimean Cooking
Foreign assistant: I like when he says "prostitution." It sounds like a delicious meal.
State & Madison
Chicago, Illinois
3PM As Is Often the Case With Open-Air Thinkers
Secretary: So, who wrote the Tom Clancy books again?
Boss: (looks at her)
Secretary: I feel really dumb right now.
Barrie
Canadia
Overheard by: Next room over
2PM All Over the Office
Out-of-touch boss: I bust my nuts everyday trying to help you guys.
Knoxvegas, Tennessee
1PM What? There's One in There Somewhere.
Teller at post office: What's your box number?
Customer: "O" as in "honest."
Manhattan, New York
12PM I Love My Job
Field service tech: It also says to clean and lubricate shaft.
San Diego, California
11AM ...Rosie
Creative director: You're making that up!
HR lady: I am not!
Creative director: Why would you want to be friends with that guy? He wanted to name a flower after you!
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
10AM Priests Are Supposed to Be Hetero, but Not Too Hetero
Lady #1: I thought he was going to be a priest...
Lady #2: No, he got thrown out for coming home drunk from a strip club!
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Is This True in Your Office? Discuss.
Coworker at bar: Shit, a degree doesn't mean anything! I'm dumber than a box of rocks and I have a degree!
Indianapolis, Indiana
5PM ...I Had to Bend Them
Coworker #1: Ew! Wait, so you really had to expose explicit pictures today? Were they at least... like, good? Or...
Coworker #2: Well, as you know, I'm not attracted to straight porn, so...
Ashland, Massachusetts
Overheard by: It was my first day!
4PM Didn't You Used to Live in Austin?
Employee at Christian book store: Hi there, can I help you find something?
Customer: I'm looking for a book.
Employee: Alright, what's the title?
Customer: I don't know. It's a book about... uhm, Jesus.
Employee: Okay. I think you're going to have to be a little more specific, since we have a lot of books on that subject.
Customer: It has a green cover.
Gainesville, Florida
3PM Fighting the Battle Of the Alamo to the Very End
Reporter on phone: I'm calling about Davy Crockett. You don't know him? Didn't he attack you with a machete last week? Right. Well, he died. Yeah. You heard about that? Right. So you do know him.
Keene, New Hampshire
2PM ...Which Is Why I'm the Boss.
Salesman: Man, I hate it that my brain is so small that I get confused real easy.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
1PM ...But I Am Loving This Kilt!
Male employee to female coworkers: Who knows, maybe I am transgendered.
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Amused coworker
12PM Ever Been to Europe, Suzy?
Older boss: Healthcare needs competition to remain good. Just look at Lasik and boob jobs! Because those are paid for privately, they are affordable and high quality.
20-something underling: How would you know about the quality of boob jobs?
Augusta, Georgia
Overheard by: Will
11AM ...Unless You Want a Promotion.
Manager to new guy: Come here. I wanna show you something.
Secretary: Don't close your eyes, don't put out your hands, don't put anything in your mouth.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: good advice
10AM ...Hold Still
Boss, leaning over printer: I'm getting duplicates up the wa-doo-da!
Gay art director: I hate when that happens.
The Village
Manhattan, New York
9AM Alive, If Necessary
Coworker: Today is my great-grandmother's 100th birthday, and we are going to bury her tomorrow.
Seattle, Washington
5PM Save That for Craigslist
Manager, walking past slouching intern: Bad posture ages you.
Intern: It's just I'm not used to this desk thing. Usually I do all my work in bed.
Manager: Don't put that on your resume.
Mt Vernon
Baltimore, Maryland
4PM Why Working from Home Has Become Increasingly Popular
Boss: So I asked my vet if I should let him eat the placenta.
Worker: What the heck did my ears ever do to you?
McKinney, Texas
3PM Don't Have a Cow, Dude.
Ad sales guy: I'll never think about udders in the same way ever again.
Scranton, Pennsylvania
2PM Of Course! I'll Be Exactly As Discreet As I Was with Those Sex Tapes.
Female receptionist: Really? It's ten inches long?
Male office worker: Yup.
Female receptionist: I'd love to see a picture of that.
Male office worker: Okay, but don't show it to anyone else.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Zippy The Wonderbat
1PM Especially Jamal, Who Would Absolutely Stretch It Out
Clinical coordinator: Jerry doesn't like my box.
IT guy: I didn't say I didn't like your box! I just don't think we should let other doctors use it.
Pharmacist: I think that the doctors would just abuse your box.
Visalia, California
12PM Just Like Martha Stewart
Dog owner: I used to have a Rottweiler too, but he died. They don't have very long lifespans.
Coworker: That's because they are fueled by liquid hate and the fingers of small children.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
11AM ...Or Should We Take a Cigarette Break First?
Young female employee: Is the hole too big now?
Slightly older male employee: Um, I don't know... Here, can you pull it out?
Young female employee: Yeah... Oh, okay, now I think the hole is lined up.
Slightly older male employee: That's better, huh? Push it in.
Young female employee: Oh, wait... now it's moving a little bit.
Slightly older male employee: Yeah? That's better?
Young female employee: Do you want to push it in now against the wall?
Syracuse, New York
10AM Tonight's Movie: The UPS Man Cometh
Coworker: Hey, do you remember how big his package was?
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Public School Teachers Don't Get Paid Enough
Coworker on phone: Okay, don't punch any prisoners in the face.
Fordham University
Manhattan, New York
5PM Gotta Love Electric-Shock Research!
Professor in nearby cubicle: They were human beings; you had to harass them a little.
Student: Yeah.
West Lafayette, Indiana
Overheard by: Rachel S
4PM You Endoscopin' Me Out??
Worker, about endoscope diameters: The smaller they are, the more expensive... like bikinis.
Toronto
Canadia
3PM From My Big Book Of Things Never to Say at Work
Graphic designer: Ah, shut up, midget mother.
Ad sales girl: What? "Midget mother"? What the fuck does that mean?
Graphic designer: Your mother's a midget.
Scranton, Pennsylvania
2PM What Exactly Goes on at Your Family Reunions, Anyway?
Grandmotherly woman #1: Then you sit the chicken down so that the open beer can goes up its ass.
Grandmotherly woman #2: Well, I sure hope it doesn't have hemorrhoids...
Middltown, Connectict
Overheard by: I just lost my appetite
1PM To Be Fair, She Thinks He's the Frosted Flakes Mascot
Cubicle drone: You know who Tony Blair is, right?
Secretary: Oh yeah, he's a bitch.
Portland, Oregon
12PM ...Today It's a Jigsaw Puzzle!
Office Casanova entering men's restroom: Aw man, I forgot to bring something to play with.
Office cutie entering women's restroom: Oh, I always bring something to play with.
Downers Grove, Illinois
11AM ...So, in Summary, the Receptionist Is Out to Lunch.
Coworker on phone: She's out of the circle. (pause) Well, she was never in the circle. (pause) But she was closer to the circle than others. (pause) She was orbiting outside the circle! (snort)
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: innercircle
10AM As It Hapens, My Update Concerns Water Buffalo
Visiting executive: So I want to talk about branch 512. What letter does the branch code end with?
Regional manager: Y.
Visiting executive: Y?
Regional manager: Yes, Y. As in "yak."
Visiting executive: Oh, I see.
Regional manager: Stacey, can you give us an update on branch 512Y?
Stacey: You had me at "yak."
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Stacey Quit 3 Weeks Later
9AM What We Imagine Dining with John McCain Is Like
Spikey-haired waiter: I'll be right back with your check.
Cranky old man: I hope all his hair falls out!
Wife: Calm down!
Cranky old man: It's a fad!
(spikey-haired waiter brings check)
Cranky old man: Oh! Mints!
Kalamazoo, Michigan
5PM What? Sombreros Get Heavy!
Office girl on phone: Hang on. I'm having a Mexican party in here, and it's getting to be too much.
Scarborough
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: C.note
4PM They Drink a Lot Of Tab in Oregon
Tech support person solving printing problem: First I'll put his end in her slot, then I'll try putting her end in his slot, and we'll see what happens.
Office
Oregon
3PM At Last, an Answer to the Question, "Why the Long Face?"
Intern #1: I heard that when a girl loses her virginity, her face changes.
Intern #2: You mean you can see it on her face?
Intern #1: No. Her face actually gets longer.
Intern #2: That doesn't make sense.
Intern #1: No, it's true. I've noticed it in some of my friends.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Drew Ball
2PM ...Bobby Proposed!
Secretary on phone: I guess I don't need a tapeworm after all.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM Short Girls Date Tall Guys Because They Can
Young girl, about new apartment: And I really need a bed.
Older lady: Why? You don't have one?
Young girl: No, I have one, but I want one that's like a grownup bed, but also because sleeping with a 6'6" guy in a twin bed is silly.
Old lady: I think you doing anything with a 6'6" guy is probably silly.
Young girl: Well, nothing we do involves standing up, really, so it's not that silly.
Old lady: Oh my god.
Insurance Office
Washington, DC
12PM In Totally Unrelated News, Richard Will Also Be Late
Female coworker, making noise as she trips and stumbles out of cubicle: Sorry, I was trying to get out from behind my desk, but I had this juicy thing running down my leg.
Adirondacks, New York
11AM I Would Pay Just to Watch That Infomercial
Coworker: Hey dude, that's how I'm going to make my money. Cat exercise equipment.
Marshfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Mikaela
10AM You Mean, Like, Start Robbing Convenience Stores?
Inside sales rep, after eating piece of fruit from her mixed fruit cup: Um, this tastes kinda funny. Does fruit go bad?
Reading, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: her stupidity is melting my brain
9AM Sometimes Your Computer Just Wants to Cuddle
Female owner: Are we having computer trouble this morning?
Male manager: No, why?
Female owner: Because I can't get it up! I hate when I can't get it up!
Male manager: Me too, meeee toooo...
Indianapolis, Indiana
5PM Undetectable, They Cling to the Envelope
35-year-old man at post office: I'd like to buy some stamps, please.
Postal employee: Here you go. (hands him generic stamps)
35-year-old man: Do you have any stamps that are a bit... cooler?
Postal employee: What did you have in mind?
35-year-old man: I don't know... Ninjas?
Post Office
California
Overheard by: Jamie
4PM Say My Title! Say It!
Female manager: Give it to me, give it to me!
Male employee: Take it! Take it! Take it!
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
3PM How a Lot Of People Feel About Ann Coulter
Coworker: Well, I told you that one I wanted to buy that chick a vibrator so she would shut the heck up!
Indianapolis, Indiana
2PM ...Think It's, Like, Military Code?
Older male student records assistant on phone: Does the word "Firefox" mean anything to you?
Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM ...Whatever You May Have Heard to the Contrary
Worker #1: What kind of M&Ms are those?
Worker #2: Peanut.
Worker #1: Oh god, I won't want those! I don't want nuts in my mouth!
Albany, New York
12PM ...Unless I Can Convince You There Are Evil Dragons in the Corner.
Librarian on phone: I've talked to you when you're high. It's not all that much fun!
Amherst, Massachusetts
11AM The Funny-Haired Lady Says What We're All Thinking
Female employee who has quite the mullet: You don't look like a Clint. You look more like a Steve.
Clint, her boss: Hmmmmm.
Employee: Actually, I guess I look more like a Steve.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Stephanie
10AM Like Texans Still Do?
Boss on phone: Do you think when Jesus comes back he wants to see himself on the cross? It's like going up to Jackie O with a rifle on a chain and saying, "I'm remembering JFK!"
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Ren
9AM That's the Other Thing-- She Eats All My Shoes!
Employee: I married her because I was tired of coming home to an empty house.
Boss: What? Get a dog, damn!
Arkansas
5PM ...But Never Sleep with Him.
New supervisor: I'm not sure how to code one of my employees. She's been out for over a week with a medical condition.
HR assistant: You should talk to Dave*. He's the STD expert.
New supervisor: It's not that kind of a condition...
HR assistant: I meant "Short Term Disability."
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: Jeannie
4PM Kirstie Alley Lights Up the Screen in Look Who's Taco-ing
Female coworker to another: I thought I was having a miscarriage when you called last night. Or it might have been just bad tacos.
McAlen, Texas
3PM The Loincloth and Spear Were Also a Tip-Off
Associate attorney to boss: Hey! You're smiling! You must've killed a client!
Reston, Virginia
Overheard by: The Receptionist Hears the Darndest Things
2PM Now I Need to Totally Re-evaluate My Opinion Of Her
Coworker: Your baby is *so* adorable and scrumptious.
New mom: Yeah, Susie said she could eat her with some hot sauce.
Coworker: Wow, I didn't know Susie liked hot sauce.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM ...Competent.
Office peon on phone: Look, I'm busy right now so I'll have to call you back. What's your phone number?
Stupid office peon: Ummm... I don't know. I never call myself.
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM Oh, Here-- Let Me Try a Back-Door Solution.
Student, while messing with professor's computer: How do you get your thing up?
Professor: What?
Mercer County Community College
West Windsor, New Jersey
11AM Career Tip: Google These Things, Dear Reader
Coworker: Do you know how many inches are in a yard?
Receptionist: Whose yard?
El Segundo, California
Overheard by: Dave
10AM Would a Labor Union Help Wal-Mart Employees? Discuss.
Employee #1: The heater is on fire! Can you call a manager?
Employee #2, with radio: Uh-uh. I'm on break.
Wal-Mart
California
9AM The Sick Part Is, the Magazine Is BusinessWeek
Peon to office: Has anyone seen a magazine and some aloe lotion?
Broadway, Chicago
5PM Really Has Something for Everyone, Doesn't It?
Male coworker, sipping from mug: I love peppermint tea!
Female coworker, also sipping from mug: Peppermint tea makes me fart.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: confusedbutamused
4PM Also, I Thought Ahmadinejad Was a Boy Band?
Employee #1, scanning the New York Times online: There was an election party for Ahmadinejad last night.
Employee #2: Oh, did you go?
Manhattan, New York
3PM The Virus Scan Gives Me Nothing but Bad News
Boss: Hey, Joan*.
Admin: Hey, Darren*.
Boss: How's the new pooter?
Brooklyn Center, Minnesota
2PM Was I Supposed to Help You Bemoan Something Neither Of Us Cares About?
Coworker #1: There was a barn fire just outside of town. The whole barn was destroyed. The farmer was missing at first, but they found his remains in the barn. They are sending the remains to Toronto to figure out the cause of death.
Coworker #2: Burnt.
Coworker #1: Excuse me?
Coworker #2: Burnt.
Coworker #1: You are a sick fuck, know that?
Waterloo
Canadia
Overheard by: Meesh
1PM I'm Still a Little Vague on This Whole "Food" Concept
Patron: Can I get some Equal for my tea?
Waitress: You mean, like, a lemon?
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM You're Just Fantastic At...Whatever It Is You Do Here.
Female sales director: So let me get this straight, you're asking me to look as slutty as possible for the event?
Male VP: Well, that is why I hired you, after all.
Female sales director: Wow! Did you really just say that?
Male VP: What? Okay, okay... you're good at your job too. Happy?
California
11AM Now I'll Never Get That Master's in Evacuation!
Coworker coming out of bathroom: Betty*! It still won't come out!
Louisville, Kentucky
10AM ...And Maintenance Will Not Want to Deal with It-- Trust Me.
Tech guy: All right, yank on that long one there a few times.
Office mate, holding the extension cord: This long one? How hard?
Tech guy: Pretty hard, just give it a few good tugs... wait... Not that hard. If you tug it too much we'll have a big mess on our hands...
Denver Colorado
9AM All We Can Do Is Alert the Authorities, Marty
Boss to secretary: If you can't remember your e-mail address you have no business using a computer, let alone using it to order a laser.
Addison, Texas
Overheard by: Mark
5PM Once We Finish Mocking You, We'll Be Happy to Help
Woman to tech support: So I came in this morning and I couldn't get it up.
Virgin Islands
4PM And What Is That on Your Blue Collar?
Maintenance man to another: Seems like you're always on your knees.
Arizona State University
Overheard by: Erin
3PM That's How He Knows the Truth Shall Set You Free
Forklift driver on shipping dock to another: Dude, you know where you find god? In jail. That's where everyone finds him. He's not on the street, he's locked up!
Berkeley Heights, New Jersey
2PM First-Time Poisoners Are Easy to Pick Out
Loud lady on phone: Hi, are you dead yet?
West Lafayette, Indiana
Overheard by: Rachel S.
1PM That's What You Said About "Manager"!
Female sales rep, about customer: It's not for that douchebag.
Male manager: "Douchebag" is a term usually reserved for men.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Not a douchebag
12PM Um, Little Help...?
Burly visitor: You know, a breach goat is never good.
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM More Than an Ocean Separates Us from the Brits
IT salesperson #1: So basically, this opportunity is like looking at a really big cow in a small field!
IT salesperson #2: But the question is: do we cherrypick, do we take small bites at the cow...
IT salesperson #3: Or does the really big bull just take a running jump at it?
Newgate Street
London
England
10AM But Way to Rock the '90's Reference!
Male coworker: You've never seen a Star Wars?
Female coworker: Well, I saw one a couple of years ago, the one with Natalie Imbruglia.
Male coworker: You mean Natalie Portman?
Manhattan, New York
9AM It's a Tale As Old As Time
50-year-old milf: I've gotta do a rim job and I don't have a date yet.
London
Canadia
Overheard by: I put my hand up
5PM "Anal Cavity" and "Chocolate Starfish" Are Also Acceptable
Coworker: Well, we just need to nip this in the booty.
Colleague: "Nip it in the booty?"
Coworker: Yeah, some people get offended when you say butt.
Coral Springs, Florida
Overheard by: Sesame
4PM And the Way He Was Endowed by His Creator. Mmm...
Boss, showing book owned by Thomas Jefferson: You know, I get turned on by Jefferson.
Richmond, Virginia
3PM The Eternal Question.
Man to friend: Whatever happened to good old-fashion cock? (turns to customer) Can I help you?
Wayme New Jersy
Overheard by: anthony
2PM Not Much Happens to Them
Employee on phone with customer: Do we have any books about muffins? You mean how to make muffins? We have cookbooks... (pause) No? (pause) I don't think we have books... Just... About muffins.
Long Island, New York
1PM Can't Beat the Romance Languages for That Sort Of Thing
New girl to male employee: Teach me how to say something sexy in Spanish.
Male employee: Okay. Like what?
New girl: How about "put your dick in my mouth"?
Spa
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Can't Wait Till i Leave
12PM It's an Excellent E-mail, Excellent E-mail
Coworker: This e-mail is giving me autism!
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Kate
11AM It's the Most Reliable Way Of Testing Whether a Melon Is Ripe
Coworker to another: Just stick it in your pants and see how it feels!
Dayton, Ohio
10AM ...And Don't Give Me the Old "Global Warming" Argument Again!
Office assistant on phone: No, you have never been able to use funding for summer expenses. (pause) When did this happen? (pause) January is not summer!
Cambridge, Massachusetts
9AM From the People Who Brought You NYPD Shoe...
Coworker, examining scratched up phone: Life is rough in my pocket.
Vancouver
Canadia
5PM Anybody Else Hungry?
Coworker #1, reading news headlines: Mother of 550-pound teenager has been charged with neglect.
Coworker #2: That's ridiculous, obviously the kid is well fed.
The Woodlands, Texas
Overheard by: Jeremy
4PM He Paid, but I Can't Help Feeling a Bit Miffed
Bartender, about regular patron: Wow. Dick just slipped out and I didn't even notice.
San Francisco, California
3PM The Truth About Leviticus
Attorney on phone: But it doesn't say anything about homosexuality in here!
Norwalk, Connecticut
2PM Discovered I Need a Bigger Monitor
Guy on cell: So I was online last night looking at dicks...
Newport News, Virginia
1PM ...Now Describe Yourself in One Sentence.
Legal secretary: The last thing I need is to get arrested for stealing a dead woman's flowers.
Salt Lake City, Utah
12PM A Knicks G-String Is Never Okay, Sweetie.
Library patron: It's not fucking inappropriate, it's fucking basketball!
Plymouth, New Hampshire
11AM Thanks, Craigslist!
Partner: Can you please find a nice Jewish lawyer who can unfuck this situation for me?
Dallas, Texas
10AM It's the One Thing Paris Hilton Doesn't Have, and Thus I Want One
Macho boss, puzzled: What's a BFF?
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Chris
9AM ...But This Is a Classic Case Of "He Sediment, She Sediment"
Empathetic sales manager: I understand your sediment.
Seattle, Washington
5PM You'd Think It Would Say on the Bottle
Office peon: How many of these one-a-day vitamins am I supposed to take every day?
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: You take your time...
4PM Meet Maryland's Best Boss
Employee: I have to come in on Monday for a training. It's my normal day off, so I might take off Tuesday or Friday instead.
Supervisor: We have the supervisor's retreat on Tuesday, so none of us will be here that day. I'd work then.
Hagerstown, Maryland
3PM Yes.
Girl on phone, trying to find job while looking up: Which building are you in? The one with the glass windows?
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM So I Only Believe Everything the Pope Tells Me
Cube dweller #1: Do you believe everything people tell you?
Cube dweller #2, pausing: I'm Catholic.
Leavenworth, Kansas
Overheard by: they're becoming self-aware
1PM Fortune Cookies Get Weirder by the Day
Office drone: If they had Spam and Slim Jims, martians wouldn't be so short.
Tulsa, Oklahoma
12PM If One More Person Says That About Me Today...
Sales rep, about boss: There's a woman who knows her sausages!
Madison, Wisconsin
11AM Um, This Says "Died Of a Gunshot Wound to the Head"
Boss, just after coworker's mother died: Yeah, I have my mother's obituary all written already. I saved it in Word so it's all set and ready to go.
Bradford, Pennsylvania
10AM I Was Talking to Bruce Springsteen
Employee: Nice skirt, boss!
Boss: I'm wearing pants.
Anchorage, Alaska
9AM Isn't That Lifetime's Tag Line?
Girl to friend: You don't have to use something as depressing as a rape crisis. You know, you can do like... battered women, girl power!
Portland, Maine
5PM ...And Can I Do That from My Computer?
Worker: First, go to the website. [says URL]
Customer: Do I need to go online first?
Maryland
4PM Mind If We Burn You in Effigy Then?
Italian coworker: John, can I ask you a question?
British coworker: Sigh. (pause) Yes, I am British, and no, I'm not sorry about it.
Dublin
Ireland
3PM When You Gave Me That Lap Dance, for Instance
Female coworker: I was still drunk when I came to the office this morning.
Male coworker: I thought you seemed happier.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Everyone Reacts Differently to Getting a Raise
Young sales guy, humping older sales guy's chair: I'm not wearing any panties!
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Katling
1PM That's What My Gyno Calls It!
Paul: When did you lose your virginity?
Mike: Well, I was sixteen. But I touched my first vagina when I was six.
Paul: What?
Mike: Yeah. We were playing a game I like to call, "Dr. Pokey Fingers."
Stamford, Connecticut
12PM "I Love You" Is So Gay
Female coworker on phone: I don't care if you're jacking off in your room, or in the bathroom or whatever... You aren't gonna be saying that to a girl.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
11AM ...I Believe I Dealt with That Particular Issue in the Men's Room Earlier.
Lady worker: Okay. So I have my people coming for the work party, you just need to take care of the volcano.
Guy: Oh yeah! Right.
Washington State
10AM D'oh!
Conservative girl: Hey boss, you still got nuts?
Boss: Uh, yeah... Yeah.
Conservative girl: Oh! I mean donuts! (blushes really hard)
Alexandria, Virginia
9AM ...In the Shape Of a Star? Really?
Annoying coworker on phone, loudly: Yes, just a wax. (pause) What's a Hollywood?? (pause, then softly) Oh, no, hang on... No, I don't think so.
Johannesburg
South Africa
Overheard by: Gael
5PM I'd Never Heard That About Jello
Elegant lady to another: I don't know... I mean if you do, it really plays havoc with your wiggly bits.
Dublin
Ireland
4PM Tonight, on To Dress a Predator...
Scruffy guy #1: So you actually wear little girl clothes?
Scruffy guy #2, nodding a lot: Yeah!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Laura
3PM Or a College Dorm R.A.
Studio exec #1: Do pregnancy tests come in that big of a box?
Studio exec #2: You know... when you buy your pregnancy tests at Costco, you're a huge slut!
Santa Monica, California
2PM Attempting to Play Football Generally Does the Trick
Gay coworker, walking past office: I love making the girls giggle.
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Jessica Simpson Finally Gets It
Consultant: Oh my god, sorry! I'm slow. And like... dumb.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: meeting jockey
12PM ...Is What I'm Always Thinking During Sex.
Instructor: Nine times out of ten, if you shoot at something you're either going to hit it or miss it.
Camp Shelby, Mississippi
11AM We Take Our Duties Seriously at Hokey Pokey, Ltd.
Female clerk to male clerk: Every time I see you, you're either pushing it in or pushing it out.
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: oh realllyyyy
10AM I Always Thought "PC Load Letter" Sounded Dirty
Coworker: I knocked up the printer.
West Lafayette, Indiana
9AM A Win-Win Situation, One Might Say
Female project manager to male CFO: I love a man in pleated pants. It's just so sexy...
Wilmington, North Carolina
5PM Also Requires Less Moving Of Furniture
Man, pointing to a book: There it is.
Woman: Kama Sutra? That's not Feng Shui.
Man: Close enough.
Birchalls
Launceston
Australia
Overheard by: Adrianne
4PM The Copy?
Customer to salesman: Well, let's order that lube so we can get it coming.
Colorado
3PM Wanna Borrow the Kneepads in My Desk?
Owner: Have you proposed to her yet? When are you gonna propose to that girl? You're not getting a bonus, a raise, or a review until you get down on your knees.
Employee: (smirks)
Owner: For her!
Rogers, Arkansas
2PM The Internet Is Just His Giant Ball Of Yarn
Female boss: This link sends me to this other page with a link, and that link sends me to another page with a link back to the first page! There are so many links!
Male boss: "Linx" is a cat.
Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: i love randomness
1PM I Call This Particular Blend "Classical Gas"
Coworker #1: Everybody, breathe in!
Everyone, after breathing in: Why?
Coworker #1: I just farted!
Virginia
Overheard by: I wish I had not listened
12PM When Giant Mushrooms Invade, We Know Who to Call
Grunt #1, about Donald Sutherland: He was in that, that The Day of the Truffles or whatever...
Grunt #2: Invasion of the Body Snatchers?
Grunt #1: Yeah.
Decatur, Illinois
Overheard by: Kelli
11AM What With the Constant Impact
Female coworker on chiropodic problems: Over time, the fat underneath your balls deteriorates, especially if you work out.
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM ...All Over Our Files. Good Job!
Employee to coworker who won't stop talking: Oh, yeah, you get all mouthy now. But when the auditors come by, you get quiet and have diarrhea.
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: factory drone
9AM But I Don't Speak It Hobbitually
Guy #1: Why is The Lord of the Rings CD in your bag?
Guy #2: It's a good soundtrack, man! A good movie!
Guy #1: You fuckin know Elven!
Guy #2: I don't know Elven.
Guy #1: You can read Elven.
Guy #2: I can't read Elven!
Guy #1: Well, you can do something with Elven!
Guy #2: I can recognize Elven!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Lularow
5PM Boogeyman: The Bitch Still Scares Me
Coworker #1: She doesn't look that old! She must have had some crazy plastic surgery.
Coworker #2: Or maybe she just emerges from underneath their beds at night and eats children's souls.
Manhattan, New York
4PM ...Ms Houston
Girl to friend: When your thong and shorts are in competition, we have a problem.
Frankfort, Kentucky
3PM ...But I'm Great at Vocab.
Receptionist: It was 190 miles off the coast.
Secretary: That's like from here to Montauk.
Receptionist: I don't know. I don't know anything about geometry.
Park Slope
Brooklyn, New York
2PM ...Could You Turn on My Computer for Me?
Creative director: I can't take the course because I don't have the software.
Peon: Why don't you find out what the software costs and how to get it, and submit a proposal?
Creative director: I don't know where to find that information.
Peon: Why don't you use something called "the internet" to look it up?
Creative director: You mean like go into Google and type the name of the software?
Peon: Yeah, like that.
Creative director: Oh, good idea.
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Horse Whisperer
1PM And So Does My Third Nipple
Reporter on phone with a source: Generally, I don't get sexual insults from your people. I appreciate that.
McAllen, Texas
10AM Barbie Strikes Again!
Web designer: I need you to print out 65 of those PowerPoint presentations I created.
Graphic designer: How many?
Web designer: 65.
Graphic designer: Okay. Let me write this down. I'm not good at math.
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Looks Like Diva
9AM And a Cat'll Cut a Bitch
14-year-old girl to another: I bet you would get drop-kicked in the head if you tried to put eyeliner on a dog.
Lansing, Michigan
5PM Tonight, on a Very Special Dr. 90210...
Coworker: Women are very Gestalt, you have to take the whole thing. If you start taking just the parts, you're going to end up on the evening news.
Branchburg, New Jersey
4PM The Part Of Canadia's Healthcare They Don't Want Us to See
Agitated man on phone: Put him in the truck, put him in the truck! Just put him in the truck and drive somewhere!
Toronto
Canadia
3PM Always Works to Ease the Tension When My Wife and I Fight
Boss to client: While we're talking about this, why don't you take your shirt off, please.
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: fully dressed
2PM Yeah, I Read Your Blog.
Female CSR #1: I'd rather be a prostitute than work here another minute.
Female CSR #2: I'm thinking more along the lines of being gang-raped by midgets.
Call Center
Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: hear no evil
1PM Color's Still an Issue in Many Parts Of the South
Web editor: I'm a very colorful person. You have to get to know me before you see all the colors of my rainbow.
Reporter: I think we just had a Skittles moment.
Huntsville, Alabama
Overheard by: Niki D.
12PM I'm Talking About My Nephew, Perv.
Boss, to friend: So then I took her out to my car and let little Spiderman fire his web shooter all over her fa...
Employee, from back in the stockroom: Aaaaaaaaaaaaarghh! Jesus Christ, I'm quitting.
Hot Topic
West Virginia
Overheard by: oh dear
11AM A Tide Of Office Supplies Flows Back and Forth Across the Office
Cubicle drone to another: Your desk gets jacked so much, I stopped stealing from you. That's how bad it is.
Boston University
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Way to Be Inflexible!
Cube rat to another: I just wouldn't be able to sleep with myself if I did something like that to someone.
Oceanside, California
9AM He Says the Cult Leader Look Is in This Season
Coworker #1: What does he wear?
Coworker #2: He usually wears moccasins and tight pants.
Coworker #1: Tight pants? What is a moccasins? Oh my god! He wears those?
Palatine, Illinois
5PM And We Broke a Perfectly Good Stapler!
Tech guy #1: Can I ask you for a favor?
Tech guy #2: No! The last time you asked, my ass hurt!
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
4PM The Boss Issued Me a New Pole and Everything
Cube rat #1: Carol! You're back! How was your vacation?
Cube rat #2: It was good, but it went by way too fast, and now I'm back to the bump and grind.
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: LMAO
3PM Amber,, We're a Phone Sex Company
CSR, after customer hangs up on her: She called me a cunt... what is that?
Cincinnati, Ohio
2PM Just Drive in Circles While I Blow Kisses to My Adoring Public
Taxi dispatcher: Where to, miss?
Girl on cell: What?
Dispatcher: Where do you want to go?
Girl on cell, impatiently: I need to go to Huntington. (goes back to phone conversation)
Dispatcher: Excuse me miss, but whereabouts in Huntington?
Girl on cell, annoyed: What do you mean, whereabouts?
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Morning Glory
1PM You're Talking to a Sandwich Artist, Ma'am
Customer, ordering every single item on a sub: And olives, and banana peppers, and lettuce... oh, and a little splash of that vinaigrette, I like it messy.
Kearneysville, West Virginia
12PM I Mean, Outhouses? Really?
CFO, to no one in particular: What kind of rinky dink place is this?
Kansas City, Missouri
11AM An Affliction for Which There Is No Telethon
Coworker: Yeah, I used to self-diagnose diseases when I studied pathology at uni. Once I thought I had lupus, but turns out I'm just allergic to Garnier facial scrub.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: kerryrosenora
10AM ...Now Would You Prefer a Metal or Wooden Bat?
Auto claims adjuster on phone: I'm authorized to offer you $1,000 for the pain and suffering I'm about to give you.
Brentwood, Tennessee
9AM ...As We Learned in 6th Grade Health Class.
Analyst to another, about leftovers from office picnic: Did you grab your meat? Cause if you didn't, you're SOL.
Arnold, Missouri
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