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September 2009 Archives
5PM Donna Has Zero Tolerance for Sexual Harassment
Male coworker: That smells good, what is it?
Female coworker: Air freshener... and a fart.
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM They're an Important Source Of Vitamin Sea
Cubicle worker with a cold: I've been sucking on Fisherman's Friends all day and it's not helping.
Sedro-Woolley, Washington
3PM Still, His Onion Dip Strategy Was Brilliant
Office drone #1: Did you see how Anderson completely took over the meeting? It was like a crudités.
Office drone #2: Wait... it was like celery sticks??
Office drone #3: I think he means a "coup d'état"
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Drunk Drama Queen
2PM We Prefer the Milkshake Idea.
Secretary #1, spreading butter on bread: Butter is evil! If Satan could ejaculate, it would be butter!
Secretary #2, also spreading butter: If that were the case, I might actually ask to give him a blow job!
Fairbanks, Alaska
Overheard by: Not Me!!
1PM When White South Africans Dream
Loud white lady: Seattle was so beautiful... Then I get back here and it's like being in Africa!
Large black man It's not like Africa.
Loud white lady: Well, minus all the black people...
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: itstooearlyforthis
12PM The Way You Change Color Like a Kaleidoscope
Office drone: Why is everyone staring at me?
Office chick: You're fun to look at.
Mesquite, Nevada
11AM Smear Campaigns Are a Lot Of Fun in Canadia
Cube dweller on phone: Hahaha... yeah, I can just imagine them literally chasing you around, and smearing you with that stuff!
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: I don't want to get smeared
10AM I Think We've Reached the Climax Of the Meeting
Boss to office: Listen up, everyone. Let's just pick a design and not circle-jerk around the issue anymore.
Manhattan, New York
9AM It May Be a Shitty System, but It's All I've Got.
Project manager: I just plop on the best places I can plop on the calendars.
Chattanooga, Tennessee
5PM I Don't Think I Care for Whatever You're Implying
Accountant, about a bruised banana: Oh, was it beating around in your bush?
Toronto
Canadia
4PM Ai Yi Yi Yi Yi!
Receptionist, after leaving bathroom: I didn't fart or shit, but my piss smells like a mariachi band.
Exton, Pennsylvania
3PM Sadly, the Whole Industry's Stuck in a Sand Trap
Coworker, hanging up: I am the Tiger Woods of mortgage lending.
Portland, Oregon
2PM Um-Hm, Um-Hm-- Describe Them
Boss man on phone with contract project manager: Hey, Julie. Do you have your clothes on yet?
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: had to walk away, was laughing too loud
1PM Raise Your Hand If You'd Rather Work in an Office Behind a Locked Door
Cube dweller woman #1: Wanna see my baby? Wanna see my baby?
(few moments pass)
Cube dweller woman #2: Those are some big nuts!
(few moments pass)
Cube dweller woman #1: Do you want to lick them?
Golden Valley, Maryland
12PM What Kind Of Backwards Town Is This?
Man to friend: Wait, they're charging us for stripping?
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
11AM Though I Give My Body to Be Burned, It Profiteth Me Nothing
Customer service agent, ending phone call: Thank you for calling. Is there anything else you need to help us with today?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Sars
10AM And I'd Lost My Letters-to-Numbers Dictionary
Middle-aged guy: It took me forever to find this building; it was confusing because the numbers were written with letters.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Devoted Puppy
9AM The Elderly Are Unpredictable
Administrative assistant/transporter: As long as she answers the door with clothes on, we'll be in good shape.
Tuolumne, California
5PM You Know I'm Supposed to Be CCed on All That Correspondence
Curious coworker: Were you guys talking about teabags in the bathroom?
University Park, Pennsylvania
4PM ...As Long As It Stops There This Time.
Elderly coworker, a little too enthusiastically: Hey, why don't you just Outlook me later?
Younger bewildered coworker: Um, okay, I guess...
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: AlsoBewildered
3PM Need to Know, Dude, Need to Know!
Quiet IT guy: My dingleberries have been really slow lately.
Sparks, Maryland
Overheard by: Operator
2PM And Richard Gere Will Be Here in Ten Minutes!
Boss to office: First it looks like we're sending things to Iowa, then we've got pet hamsters in here... This place is falling apart!
Santa Clara, California
1PM What Vision Quests Are Like in the Corporate World
Boss to underling: Would you please go next door and politely shoot their dog?
Gaithersburg, Maryland
12PM Meet the Classiest Boss in Texas
Very pregnant blonde, about husband's golf game: You'll never guess what Richard shot.
Obnoxious boss: His load, obviously!
San Antonio, Texas
11AM And the Third May Go Wee Wee Wee, All the Way Home
Female suit: Different coworkers. One may have the clap, the other may abort her bastard child.
Nashville, Tennessee
10AM My Nintendo Controller, You Pervs.
Suit to another, as they walk away from urinals: I just tell people I played with it too much as a teenager and wore it down to the nub.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: never making eye contact again
9AM Certainly Not During Work Hours
Head of technology development: I'm going to spend some time on Twitter. What do you call that? I'm going to twat?
Female employee: No, I don't think that could possibly be right.
Grove City, Ohio
5PM Which Explains Why It Exploded on My Desk
Central office tech: I'm not really sure how it works. I don't play with it very often.
Phone Company
Moorhead, Minnesota
Overheard by: Lord Baddkitty
4PM Oh Reginald, How I've Dreamed Of This Moment!
Male cube rat: Hey, Amanda, you wanna come sing "Endless Love" with me?
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: Project Manager
3PM Or Are You Just Generally Greasy and Salty?
Office chick: You know what the best part of getting McDonald's is? Just when you think you're done, you find five or six bonus fries in the bottom of the bag.
Office dude: It's the simple pleasures for you, huh?
Office chick: Oh yeah, nothing better! Something small and salty to snack on!
Office dude, filled with innuendo: In that case, I have another bonus fry for you to enjoy.
Office chick: Seriously? I think you just admitted to having a small dick.
Figueroa St
Los Angeles, California
2PM Are You Hitting on Me?
Woman to man: You're like, one of those, like, glass dolls, and there's like, an owl, in a shop.
Monroe, Toledo
Overheard by: Katy
1PM The Difference Between Dogs and Humans: Encapsulated.
Coworker: If I ate everything that smelled good I would be dead.
Monroe, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Amanda
12PM Stop Talking About My Unborn Baby That Way
Thin coworker girl, about carrot cake: I'll have seconds.
Middle-aged coworker woman: Your tapeworm wants another piece?
1000 Exposition
Los Angeles, California
11AM If It Were, This Mimosa Would Be a Lot More Appropriate
Receptionist: Good morning, ABC* machinery.
Customer: Good morning, can I speak to Bob*?
Receptionist: One moment, please.
Customer, under his breath: It's not morning!
Amarillo, Texas
Overheard by: Jocelyn
10AM I Once Did a Gin Marathon, Though.
Office worker: I ran 16 miles last night.
Rep: You ran 16 miles... I ran for 12 minutes. Does that count?
Office worker: I am training for a marathon. I came home at 10 pm last night and my knees were all bloody.
Rep: Oh, did you fall?
Office worker: Yeah, twice.
Rep: And you kept on running?
Office worker: Yeah.
Rep: The only thing coming out of my veins is booze!
Buffalo, New York
9AM This Isn't New Jersey, Patty
Woman in the next cube: Did someone just say "bestiality"?
Long Island, New York
5PM Best Definition Of "Win-Win" to Date
Man to friend: If I knew it was that easy to lose weight from getting sick I'd have licked my dog's butt a long time ago.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Chimpy
4PM ...Or a White Dustin Diamond.
Worker #1: That guy last night was kind of weird.
Worker #2: He was like a black Urkel!
Worker #1: Right.
Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Brush up on old sitcoms people
3PM If They Ask, Just Tell Them I'm Gay.
Coworker, gesticulating in front of window: The sun'll come out, tomorrow, betcher bottom... Oh my god, somebody just saw me do that.
Fordham University
Manhattan, New York
2PM What Have We Told You About Talking?
Coworker, talking about rappers: Eminem? He ain't got style. When he came out he was just trying to be the black Tupac.
Youngstown, Ohio
1PM Especially When You're Hung Over?
Whiny cube dweller: But I just really enjoy my sausage in the morning, ya know?
Coburg, Oregon
12PM Lawyers Are Not Doctors, Dear Reader
Attorney #1: Back in college my girlfriend got mono, but I didn't. I attribute it to having an immune system like Vince Neil.
Attorney #2: That guy could fight off the HIV!
County Courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
11AM ...When She Could Be Writing Sitcoms?
Office worker #1: She has a degree from Harvard and another from Yale.
Office worker #2: Well, if she's so smart, why is she working for the government?
Pentagon
Washington, DC
10AM Love the New Hairplugs, by the Way.
Female cube dweller to male cube dweller: Oh, hey, hi Richard! It's so nice to talk to you face to face. Seems like I only ever see the top of your head anymore.
Victoria
Canadia
Overheard by: Cringing in my cube
9AM I Would Totally Have His Tiny, Magical Children
Girl #1: You know that guy, I think his name is Karl... is he the one you're talking about?
Girl #2: The one who looks like a leprechaun?
Girl #1: Uhhh...
Girl #2: Yeah, he looks like a leprechaun Seth Rogen!
Girl #3: I always call him "Hot Karl!"
Burnaby
Canadia
Overheard by: feels bad for karl
5PM Just Like It Promised in the Med School Brochure
Endocrinologist to another doctor: They're both GI doctors, so you know they're really pulling it in. And they've got good hours, well, unless someone starts bleeding in the middle of the night. The only way one of mine bleeds is if I stab them in the thyroid.
Fairview Hospital
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: A Very Scared Patient
4PM This Is an Accounting Firm. So Yes.
Girl on cell: Should I do breast and leather?
Cicero Ave
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Am I overdressed?
3PM Just Think Of Her As One Of Those Chinese Finger Traps
Guy to another: I'll take the front end, and you take the back end, and we'll just get her done!
Fort Collins, Colorado
2PM Richard Simmons?
News producer, holding a bachelorette party: Who the hell counts calories on a penis sucker?
Jackson, Mississippi
1PM Isn't It "Alsome"?
Female caseworker #1: It was so cute. The one kid wrote, "you are awesome." but spelled it a-w-s-u-m.
Female caseworker #2, after pause: Wait... was that wrong?
Norristown, Pennsylvania
12PM Have You Tried Yoga?
Secretary, exasperated: Dennis's thing is just not fitting in my slot properly!
Melville, New York
11AM Wash Your Hands Before the Lunch Buffet, Please.
Woman to colleague: So, what did you do last night?
Colleague: I picked up my new banjo, I'm starting banjo lessons this Saturday. I got excited just fondling it!
Woman: I bet.
Ottawa
Canadia
Overheard by: Marti
10AM Just Part Of the Elaborate Practical Joke That Is Human Reproductive Biology
50-year-old secretary to another: You know, if you need a uterus, you can have mine. It's all flappy and old.
Middle School
Larchmont, New York
Overheard by: Lil' Bill
9AM And What's That Little Sideways 8?
CSR: Yes, ma'm, that cellphone plan has unlimited minutes.
Customer: And how many minutes is that exactly?
Oklahoma
Overheard by: couldn't make this up
5PM Um, Is That How Childbirth Works?
Project manager: Sure, I'd be okay pushing it out for you. We could pull it back in if that what you need. Let me know, I'd be happy to!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: VJ
4PM If So, I Have Certain Requirements
Reporter, rushing up to editor to give him extra work: Hey, Mike.
Editor: So you're running over here to screw me?
Beaumont, Texas
3PM ...While Avoiding the Horrible Hairspray Bangs
Wide-eyed coworker,completely serious: You put the "pow" in "Kelly Kapowski"!
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Is it 1990?
2PM We've Been Saying That for Years, Sir.
Manager in sales meeting: I want you to ask for my help. I'm like a tool in your tool box. I am a tool.
Sacramento, California
1PM Says the Guy Who Took a Mental Health Day When Brad and Jen Got Divorced?
Older coworker: People didn't need health care in World War I, they just died. They didn't bother with "sick".
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Glad I'm healthy.
12PM Why Do You Think It Overheated in the First Place?
Girl, shutting down printer: I'm gonna turn you off.
Creepster: Negative.
Costa Mesa, California
11AM What's More Disturbing Than Time-Travel Pedophilia?
Male coworker to another: I'd love to see pictures of you as a child. Or, better yet, video.
New Haven, Connecticut
Overheard by: Derek
10AM ...Another Millionaire Contestant Wastes Their "Phone-a-Friend"
Female on cell in hallway: HPV. HPV. No, not HIV, HPV. You know, the warts... Yeah, HPV. I don't know, freeze them off maybe?
O'Fallon, Missouri
9AM Well That'll Get Me Nowhere
Senior worker: Here, put this old information into the new database so we can clear out the clutter in the back room.
Junior worker: This is a floppy disk.
Senior worker: So?
Junior worker: So who has a floppy drive anymore?!
Senior worker: I'm sure someone here has a floppy drive. Just ask around.
(five minutes later)
Junior worker, shouting across office: Jack's got a place you can stick your floppy!
Mississauga
Canadia
Overheard by: uncomfortable.com
5PM So No Lunch for Me, Thanks.
Project manager: I'm going to find out who sold that piece, and I'm going to chew their ass!
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: skelly
4PM ...Mostly About the Continued Popularity Of Miley Cyrus.
Employee: This is going to make me crazy. Why do they keep submitting these requests?
Manager: Seriously, I'm not in the mood today. You are going to get me all riled up.
Employee: I know. I scream every week in my therapy session.
Manager: About this?
Employee: No.
San Francisco, California
3PM The New Hit Single from Li'l Kim
Coworker, in graphic design lab: Now I have balls in my ass, too!
Utica, New York
Overheard by: dont wanna know
2PM A Lot Of People Are Having That Reaction to the New Dan Brown Book
Coworker to another: Well, I'm going to go find a razor blade. Talk to you later.
Library, Midwest
1PM I Mean, If I Can't Control It, How Can Word?
Secretary to another: I wish there were a way to tell Word "don't print." Like CTRL DP. (pause) Maybe that wouldn't be so good.
Berkeley, California
12PM ...I Was Probably Thinking Of the British Alphabet.
IT guy #1: Why are they in this order?
IT guy #2: It's alphabetical.
IT guy #1: No, it's not.
IT guy #2: How do you figure?
IT guy #1: S before q.
IT guy #2: Come again?
IT guy #1: You know... S, t, q, v, w, x, y, z. (pause) Wait a minute...
Niles, Illinois
Overheard by: Mosh
11AM The Happy Side Effect Of Running a Floor Buffer
Desk drone to janitor: What's up, Kevin?
Janitor: Not much, 'cept me, maybe.
Lebanon, New Hampshire
4PM How Lucky for Me, I'm Wearing My Sexual Harassment Suit.
Young broker to assistant, looking out the window: Wow! I hope you brought an umbrella!
Assistant to broker: Yeah, I think I have one.
Broker to assistant: I hope you also brought a different shirt!
(assistant wearing beige silk blouse ignores comment)
Broker, mumbling: Yeaaah, wet t-shirt contest!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: FELAGO!
3PM Plus It's Entertainment for the Whole Office
Coworker, about his BlackBerry: Hey, that helped! That really helped my ball. Blowing on it really helps!
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Blake
2PM Business Is All About Keeping the Customer Coming Back
Director to editor, about shot in short film: If I had done all the moves right, I would have just come on her back.
Wilmywood, North Carolina
Overheard by: Actor
1PM They Still Haven't Found Those Boy Scouts
Coworker to another: Isn't it funny how the smallest secretary in the office has the biggest box?
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: ADP
12PM Lindsey Naegle Really Is a Sexual Predator
Aggressive advertising program manager: Yeah, then on the conference call we can tell them about all the ways we can go to malls and touch the kids!
Newtown Square, Pennsylvania
11AM Why the Company Lacks Diversity: Explained
Boss: The black one is almost 88% bigger, but the yellow one is more efficient.
Coworker: Let's just stick with the white ones, it's simple and we know how they work.
Raleigh, North Carolina
10AM Some Of Us Are Better Off Being Aunts and Uncles
Coworker: I think I'm a good parent about 50% of the time. I was telling my wife last night that it would be easier if we could just have "time-share children," and only have to parent them a couple weeks per year.
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I think he's on to something!
9AM Dear U.S. Government...
Suit: You're working hard and we really appreciate what you do, but this is a clusterfuck.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Caitlin C.
5PM ...to Pick My Nose.
Annoyed coworker: What's wrong there? Do you have a booger?
Coworker, picking his nose: No, my brain was itching.
Reston, Virginia
Overheard by: Glad they didn't pick me
4PM Captain Picard's Secret Shame
IT manager: Oh my god, look! They gave her panties!
Network admin: Look, they gave him panties too!
IT manager: No way! (picks up Star Trek barbie to check)
Tacoma, Washington
3PM Rod Blagojevich.
Coworker: I mean, don't you ever feel like killing someone and wearing their head like a hat?
Las Vegas, Nevada
2PM Where It Settled and Reproduced
Gorgeous admin on phone with employee, while looking for e-mail: Oh, I just found it... It went straight to my junk!
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: Wish I Was That Email
1PM Your Editors Find It Impossible to Say Anything Anymore
Woman to man making pot of coffee: Oh, that smells delicious.
Man: I made a lot, would you like some?
Woman: Perhaps I'll have half a cup later, but right now, I'll settle for a facial.
Evanston, Illinois
12PM Disgrace Is an Alien Concept to Many Americans
IT guy #1: How do you get yourself $400,000 in debt?
IT guy #2: Yeah, and if you are that much in debt, why would you kill yourself?
IT guy #1: Yeah, just file for bankruptcy and wait for your Obama dollaz to come in.
Sparks, Maryland
Overheard by: Dial
11AM Waah Waah Waah
Nurse: I hate you, you're so skinny.
Patient: I have Crohn's disease.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: another patient
10AM Is That, Like, a Sex Euphemism?
Coworker to another: How was your weekend?
Another: Not good, we lost another pet. The rabbit was murdered by a sheep.
New Zealand
Overheard by: George
9AM You're a Bank, So I Say Go for the Max
Communications person: Do you think we need to tell the field?
Change manager: Well, it all depends on what level of confusion you want to communicate.
Columbus, Ohio
5PM Ernie Goes Through This Rant Every Day
Coworker: They say Micheal Phelps is a good swimmer, but I say screw that, we're all great swimmers! Do you know how far that was to swim? And then you get there and you have to bust through a zygote head first! That takes stamina!
Branchburg, New Jersey
4PM You Don't Need Gaydar in Idaho
Male manager to female employees: The black currant vanilla separates the men from the boys.
Idaho
3PM Now Kindly Look the Other Way While I Reboot
Financial director to IT tech who was having difficulty connecting a computer for a presentation: So, you can't get it up?
IT guy: Oh, don't say it like that...
Nashville, Tennessee
2PM Sign: Don't Bother the Employees at Feeding Time
Cube monkey, eating alone at desk and coughing: Quit trying to eat yourself!
Overland Park, Kansas
1PM I Just Thought You Should Know, Bill
Receptionist to boss: Susie craps like a buffalo.
Tempe, Arizona
12PM Every Office Has Someone from Whom It's Best to Decline Food
Office worker: Are my eyebrows falling out?
New Orleans, Louisiana
11AM Mmm...Smoked Salmon...
Cashier #1: Tony was in here buying cigarettes, too.
Cashier #2: Oh, really? Tony smokes?
Cashier #3: Yeah... like a fish!
Westport Plaza Creve
Couer, Missouri
10AM Tough Pregnancy, Al?
Guy #1: All that movie is about is white people punching their wives in the face.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: I think it would be more fun to punch your wife in the stomach then in the face.
Woodlands, Texas
9AM Because Religion Majors Are Always So Normal
Executive assistant on phone: You know, I don't want to sound mean, but something I've noticed is: all the students who have (pause) problems... all take psychology courses! Why do you think that is? Maybe they're just trying to "figure it all out"?
Jesuit University
Maryland
Overheard by: Admin
5PM Because I Broke a Pencil and Doubled My Output
Analyst: Look, you said you broke two bones in your e-mail, but you actually just broke your arm.
Boss: Yes, I broke my bone... now I have two bones!
Analyst: No! You have two pieces of one bone now. Bones are treated as a whole. You're trying to get extra sympathy. If I break a pen in half, how many pens do I have?
Boss: Two!
Analyst: How are you my boss?
Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Marketer In Accounting
4PM Why Don't I Work Here?
Guy #1, during department meeting at adult industry company: The homemade video clips of everyday guys jacking off are actually making a lot of money, provided they're adequately equipped.
Guy #2: I know what I'm doing tonight!
Girl: Praying for a bigger penis?
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Bioterrorism, for Instance.
High school senior #1: I am thinking about taking pre-med, I just hope it's not hard. I kind of like science.
High school senior #2: Why not study business?
High school senior #1: Because in my thoughts business always fails, but science is always, like... good.
Fresno, California
2PM I'll Be Right Over
Department head on phone, talking about screws and fasteners: A Tek 5 should work fine... What? Did you just say "super woody"?
New Braunfels, Texas
Overheard by: That Guy
1PM And You're Getting Warmer...Warmer...No, Colder...Colder...Warmer...
Customer: Umm... Excuse me, do you have that book?
Bookstore employee: Do you know the title?
Customer: No.
Bookstore employee: Do you know the author?
Customer: Uh... No, but they wrote that other book.
Bookstore employee: Do you know where the other book is in the shop?
Customer, brightly: Yeah! It's over there somewhere! (points behind himself to the entire shop)
Darwin
Australia
12PM They Wear Socks with Sandals, for Pete's Sake!
Female operations manger, on phone with another woman: He's wrong, he's wrong... becuase he's a man!
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Choo Choo Charlie
11AM And the Occasional Puppetry, Of Course.
Man on phone: I'm having surgery next week. (pause) I'm having penis enlargement surgery. (pause) Yeah, but I don't really use mine much anymore. It's good for taking a whiz, and that's about it.
Salt Lake City, Utah
10AM Your Editors Suddenly Need to Take a Shower
Rental manager: So I told my husband we should try that Enzyte or Extenze stuff. He was a little upset, but I told him, "you know what a big ol' slut I am, I wouldn't have married you if you didn't pay the bills and cut the mustard."
Ypsilanti, Michigan
9AM For Better or Worse, They Won't Remember This in Ten Minutes
Resident #1: That man is such a bloody pain in the ass! We should just hit him in the head with his cane!
Resident #2: And then chain him to his bed so we don't have to see him anymore.
Resident #1: I'm in.
Resident #2: Me too. Right after I finish my tea.
Regina
Canadia
5PM Still Doesn't Explain Why They're Orange, Though.
Receptionist to clerk: Kitty just brought one of those little hybrid cars that get a thousand miles to the gallon. How the hell does she plan to get her big fat Oompa-Loompa children crammed into that little thing?
Kitty, walking into office: Are you guys talking about the Willy Wonka movie? My kids just love those candy bars they sell at the dollar store!
Orlando, Florida
4PM Ooh, or "Eggstreme Kids' Bunny Bash!"
Worker #1: We need a slogan for our Easter egg hunt and party. One that lets the kids know they will get to play with really fun bunnies and get to also hunt Easter eggs. Something that says "fun for all."
Worker #2: How about "Kids bunny bash!"?
Worker #1: Yeah! Wait... what?
Day Care Center
Banning, California
3PM Who?
Girl #1: And then it said "list any nicknames," and that's where I stopped. I mean, I only have the one. You know, the one that begins with "h."
Girl #2: (mumbles)
Girl #1: Well, yeah, a silent "w."
Elevator
Toronto
Canadia
2PM "...It's Time to Bone"
Female coworker who never shuts up: I woke up at 9:55 am. Soon as I woke up, I looked at my husband and he looked at me. I said, "did I tell you about the hallway skeleton?" He starting laughing, and I said "it's amazing." He said, "not now."
Dublin, Ohio
1PM When I Woke Up, I Was Here.
English professor to secretary: According to my college transcript, I took a course in my freshman year called "introduction to drugs". I have no recollection of this course, and I wonder why.
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: English Major
12PM White Whicker? Really?
Hispanic coworker to founder of company: Good afternoon!
Founder of company: Oh, hey! I didn't see you. You blend in with the furniture.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Tiz
11AM Between Southern Girls, This Can Be a Two-Hour Conversation
Annoying coworker #1: You are so tan!
Annoying coworker #2: I know!
Annoying coworker #1: I can't believe how tan you are!
Annoying coworker #2: I know!
Washington, DC
10AM ...Are You As Turned on As I Am?
Male coworker: Dugong! I wonder what dugongs taste like.
Female coworker: Hippos?
Male coworker: Except saltier.
Grahamstown
South Africa
Overheard by: EnvironmentalScientistsAreWeird
9AM Telemarketing to Hoboes Should Be Illegal
Man on phone, about new packaging: Well, it's a cardboard box. But it's a really nice one!
Manhattan, New York
5PM She Doesn't Even Work There.
Yelling large lady in yellow shirt, entering bathroom: Dontcha wish you were a bird so you could just take a crap whenever ya wanted? (slams door) You could shit on the floor, on people's heads, never have to run and hope ya make it!
Temecula, California
4PM It's Better Not to Know Who's Handling Your Money
Teller #1: That person smelled so bad... I thought I had stepped in poop and then I didn't see poop so I thought I was pooping and I checked!
Teller #2: What would you have done if you pulled your hand back and there was poop all over it?!
Teller #1: I ain't know, I was gonna cross that bridge when I got to it, okay?
Charleston, South Carolina
3PM All Eight Seasons Of Will & Grace, in a Nutshell
Female VP gay male VP: I would totally have sex with you.
Vancouver
Canadia
2PM ...Which Will Likely Also End in a Cell.
Lecturer, discussing cell membranes: So now the membrane has potential... unlike my career.
Physiology Lecture
Melbourne University
Australia
Overheard by: martinasnape
1PM I'll Forget This Conversation If You Will
Male software engineer to another: Yeah, I don't know what to say... I mean, I'm not a gynecologist or anything.
Software Company
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: Monkey
12PM Bone China, Though
Office worker, about project manager's shaved head: You look like a penis.
Project manager: You're a vagina.
Office worker: Fine China!
Parsons, Kansas
11AM Probably Asphaltzheimer's Disease
Engineer to another: Don't you just love it when Mark* comes up to your desk and throws down a recipe for soup and asks you where to buy asphalt? And he keeps pointing at it!
New York City, New York
Overheard by: jt
10AM All Women Need to Be Happy Is Everything Else
Younger female coworker, describing new boyfriend: The thing is, I don't know if that in the long run he would be happy with me.
Older female coworker: Oh, you know what men are like. All you have to do is pat them on the head once in a while and tell them that they're wonderful and they're happy.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: horrified that she's right
9AM A Couple Of Fingers, but That's It
Coworker, during department-wide meeting: I didn't get that e-mail.
Clueless admin: Did you check your junk? Always check your junk. I never put anything in my junk.
Wilmington, North Carolina
Overheard by: L
5PM With Wings and Everything
Male coworker: God, I love tomato soup! I would lick the bowl clean if I weren't worried about walking around the rest of the day looking like I just earned my "red wings".
Female coworker: You can go ahead and lick it. We have napkins.
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: Wowzers
4PM Do We Ever!
Office manager to locksmith: You're the guys who service my back door, right?
Portland, Oregon
3PM I Thought He Looked Different Today
Coworker #1: Is Corey supervising tonight?
Coworker #2: No. Look. See, he doesn't have pants on.
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: He Does Have Nice Legs.
2PM I Wear George Washington's Dentures When I Drink
Female coworker to another: Oh my... I've got wood in my mouth.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: DesignMonkey
1PM Apple's New VPhone Is the Coming Thing
Older lady #1: It's got a vibrator, and some balls on it... it feels really good.
Older lady #2: Oh, really? I might have to try one of those!
Lakewood, Colorado
Overheard by: John
12PM I'm a Corporate Headhunter, Dingus
Coworker on cell: I just don't understand bro, what do you need a real human head for?
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM Remember When That Toaster Knocked Her Out? Classic!
Male coworker #1: Was she here yesterday?
Male coworker #2, as unknown object goes flying by overhead: Of course she was here, don't you remember throwing things at her all day?
Department of National Defence
Ottawa
Canadia
10AM Gary Coleman?
Admin assistant to African American maintenance guy: Hey, what was that 17 inch black thing you said you needed?
Inkster, Michigan
Overheard by: Wish I hadn't heard it
9AM I've Told You a Million Times to Just Slap Them, Sweetie
Woman on phone to daughter, asking who sent her home to change her "inappropriate" outfit at school: Were they fat people?
Nashville, Tennessee
5PM ...Even If You Are the Janitor.
Secretary: I would prefer it if you yell at me once in a while; it keeps me on my toes.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Exactly How Remains Between You and God
Anesthesiologist to orderly at computer: What's my schedule look like?
Orderly to anesthesiologist: At 3 o'clock you get to knock that woman out.
Hospital
New York City, New York
3PM Think Of It As an Acquired Allergy
Girl: Why are you in customer service if you don't want to service the customer?
Vanderbilt University
Nashville, Tennesee
Overheard by: AlsoWondering
2PM Note My Stylish Whole-Body Latex Unitard
Unwell-looking manager, coughing: I think I might go home a little earlier today. (coughs) I'm feeling a bit fluey.
Paranoid coworker: I don't want the flu--don't come anywhere near me!
Perky coworker to manager: I've had the flu vaccination--you can come all over me!
Melbourne
Canadia
Overheard by: confused but amused
1PM I Think I've Seen This Porno...
Intern on phone: Uh-huh, yeah. We're staying with the nuns. Apparently you pray for an hour and then you can sleep there. I know.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM Psh, Everybody Loves Fried Chicken
Administrative assistant: Of course, all us darkies love fried chicken.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: ...wrong on so many levels
11AM She Only Has a Medium-Sized Dick
Young boy: Look, daddy, there's the big dicks! Yesterday we saw the small dicks and today we seen the big dicks. Which do you like better, daddy, the small dicks or the big dicks?
Father: I prefer the big dicks, but don't tell your mother.
Johnson City, Tennessee
Overheard by: only if this were Victoria Secrets
10AM Yet You Call Social Services When I Do That with My Kid?
Coworker, angrily: I can't help it if I care! I have a soul.
Boss: Leave it in the car on your way in.
Outpatient Mental Health Facility
New Jersey
Overheard by: Peon
9AM Clearly.
Office manager, ordering markers from supply catalog: What about this one?
Receptionist: Yeah. Anything that says "magnum" must be good.
Office manager: Yep.
Receptionist: I just need something big and fat.
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM Career Tip: Slow Readers Resent Duplicate Emails
Coworker to office administrator: Why did you send me this e-mail twice?
Office admin: Because they sent it to me twice.
Coworker: So why did you send it to me twice?
Office admin: Because I thought it would only take you five seconds to delete.
Coworker: Didn't you look at it before you sent it to me?
Office admin: Yes... but I didn't send you the pornographic e-mail that came in before that one!
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
4PM I Need Wanking Material
Attorney to paralegal: Do you still have those creepy photos of that dead guy?
Asheville, North Carolina
2PM You Must Be from Up North, Ma'am
Shipping customer: When does UPS come to pick up?
Owner: He's due around five, and he has not been here yet. Your package will go out today.
Shipping customer: He's due at five? Will it go out today? Did he come yet?
Riverside Parkway
Lawrenceville, Georgia
Overheard by: Jami
1PM It Was a Funeral to Remember
Punky girl to punky friend: You know you're a slut if you're stripping in church.
Augusta, Georgia
Overheard by: Glad I wasn't there
12PM ...Guess I Shouldn't Have Added Those Obscene Drawings, Then.
Male coworker: Who drew sperm next to the happy birthday shoutouts on the white board?
Female coworker: Those are balloons.
Kennesaw, Georgia
11AM Office Work Is a Lot Like the Army
Secretary #1: It's Friday, everybody!
Secretary #2: Shut up.
Secretary #1: Fuck you!
Secretary #2: I love you!
(both giggle)
New York City, New York
10AM When Companies Don't Provide Healthcare, Women Give Birth at Work
Girl, yelling from her cubicle: Ewww, gross! There's hair and a birthmark!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Zack
9AM ...Why, What Have You Heard?
Social worker: I have no feelings about ferrets. No feelings at all.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: animal lover
5PM ...Best Just to Lock It in the Freezer.
Girl: My cats chewed through my computer's power cord this morning. (sighs) I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and buy a new one.
Apple guy: Or you could use that bullet to shoot your cats!
(girl stares at him)
Apple guy: Uh... I take back that comment heartily.
Apple Store
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Misaki
4PM Group Fax Is Surprisingly Popular in Minnesota
Perky female temp, walking over to supervisor's cubicle: Hey, I heard we got a new fax machine! Awesome!
Female supervisor: Yeah, it's pretty exciting. They're setting it up right now.
Male supervisor: There seems to be some erotic fascination with the new fax machine. Everyone's over there crowded around it.
(awkward silence)
Perky female temp: I'm gonna go look at it right now!
Female supervisor: Yeah, me too!
Bloomington, Minnesota
Overheard by: I'm pretty sure he meant
3PM "First Mate?" Yeah, Right.
Manager: You knew that, right?
Employee: Well yeah. Because Gilligan and the Skipper were totally queer.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: I don't belong here
2PM Syracuse University Has Nothing But
Coworker, entering mailroom: Howdy! We're here to get some dirty boxes!
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: That admin who works in some other department
1PM Would the Letter "E" Work for You, Ma'am?
CSR to client: You want the number 3 capitalized?
Oxford, Mississippi
12PM At the Double Entendre Quarterfinals
Coworker #1: I love Angie's box.
Coworker #2: No way, Kat's box is tons better. It would kill Angie's box in a fight.
Coworker #1: But Angie's box is filled with those special Oreo balls!
Pensacola, Florida
Overheard by: New Girl
11AM Maybe If It Fell on My Husband
Assistant: A tree fell right on her house, so she said she won't be in today.
Supervisor: I wish a tree would fall on my house. I want a new kitchen so bad.
Hospital
Ann Arbor, Michigan
10AM You Want 'em Uncut, or Circumcised?
Account manger to designer: Can you sex up those check marks for me?
Washington, DC
9AM The Mormon Conversion Process Is Extremely Rigorous
Partner #1: So how was it?
Partner #2: Ugh... long, hot, sticky.
Partner #1: Hm. What'd they make you do?
Salt Lake City, Utah
5PM You Should Hear What What She Says About Them!
Grad student #1: Wow, the boss-lady is pretty laid back today. She hasn't even harassed me once since I came in this morning!
Grad student #2: I dunno, dude. When she's this chilled out, I just assume that somewhere there are dozens of puppies that have been kicked.
Johns Hopkins University
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
4PM Or Her Children
Coworker, about telecommuter: She was always nice to people, but not nice to the customers.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
3PM Why Some Employees Get Stoned in Their Cars at Lunchtime
Boss of technology dept: The speaker on my phone doesn't work.
Employee: Why don't you switch it with the one in the conference room?
Boss: But then I won't have the same phone number.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: i need a cocktail
2PM I Consider It a Horizontal Move
Cashier: I love your ring!
Customer: Thank you! It's my reward for ten years of... (mimes giving a blow job)
Medford, Oregon
1PM And We Have...a Bicycle Crash?
Colleague leading a meeting: This is where the meet... uh... um... This is where the pedal meets the road.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: ron
12PM Wouldn't That Be a Great Name for a Gay Golf Club?
Customer rep manager: Why is the internet down at the warehouse?
IT guy: I got two emails. One said it was because there was vandalism in a manhole and the wires got cut. Another said they were digging in a manhole and the wires accidentally got cut.
Openly gay purchasing manager: Stop saying "manhole."
IT guy: Why? Does it get you excited?
Sex Toy Factory
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Looks Like Diva
11AM Check for Yourself, Stud.
Female coworker: Hey, can you grab my box?
Male coworker: Yeah, did all of the wood fit in it?
Spokane, Washington
10AM She's Eschewing Sweater-vests for Good
Female teacher: So how did the date go?
Male teacher: It went really well up until the part where I mentioned she resembled Kelsey Grammer.
El Paso, Texas
Overheard by: Lena
9AM And That's Why I Moved Here
Girl #1: I auditioned for Rent when I was in college.
Girls #2-#4, in a fit of hysterics: No way! Uh-uh! Whoa! (they shriek)
Girl #1: Yeah, I was living in New York that summer, and I mean, I just loved Aids! How could I not try out?
San Francisco, California
5PM Sorry, You've Already Met Your Quota.
Coworker to another: I just want to rub this on you!
Brisbane
Australia.
Overheard by: helpdeskmonkey
4PM When You Asked "Why Is This Night Different from All Other Nights?", I Imagined a Much Different Answer
Customer: Have a nice Passover.
Coworker #1: What's "Passover" mean?
Coworker #2: It means she's Jewish.
Coworker #1: Oh. It sounded like something naughty.
Troy, Michigan
3PM For the Last Time, Not When It's Animal Children
Man to friend: Hey, come over here... does this count as child porn?
Morristown, New Jersey
Overheard by: the FBI outside suggests yes...
2PM Let Me Know How That Works Out for You
Boss to vendor on phone: So, if we take a dump, how long before you can analyze it?
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: DB
1PM Or Are Sunglasses Allowed Now?
Coworker #1: So, I had this dream last night. I was looking at the ceiling, and a rat wearing sunglasses peeked out at me from the air conditioning vent.
Coworker #2, catching the end of the conversation: Was this a dream?
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: Despite all my rage...
12PM ...In a Completely Different Context Than Usual.
Coworker #1: With all the rain we've been getting, I bet the streams are running full.
Coworker #2: That depends on how much beaver action there's been. (pause) Did I seriously just say that?
Colchester, Vermont
Overheard by: hddesc
11AM Bloody Imprecise American English
British receptionist, over intercom: I just found a water bottle in the toilet. If it's yours please come to the front desk to get it. (a moment later) No, the water bottle was not literally in the toilet.
Manhattan, New York
10AM Get an Intern to Lick It Off, Just to Make Sure.
Coworker #1: Who got chocolate all over the printer?
Coworker #2: You hope it's chocolate.
London
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Ewwwwww
9AM Though the Komodo Dragons Were a Nice Gesture
Middle-aged birthday girl to office who threw her a party she specifically asked not to have: I like my birthday, it's just that I prefer to spend it with close friends... and people.
Washington, DC
5PM Reader Poll: What Could She Be Talking About Other Than Penises?
Office assistant: I can take 'em in my mouth all day long, but not in my body.
Tulsa, Oklahoma
4PM On Facebook.
Drive-thru cashier #1: He doesn't know you're pregnant, does he?
Drive-thru cashier #2: No, he'll find out... the hard way.
Newmarket
Ontario
Canadia
3PM And the Sequins and the Glitter and the Feathers
Deli girl: Have you ever seen a beautiful penis? I appreciate what they do, but I don't like to look at them.
Seafood woman: I've seen a beautiful one, but I'm biased, cuz I helped design it.
Deli girl: Um?
Seafood woman: You know, with the piercings, the Prince Albert and the rings. It's pretty.
Tillsonburg
Ontario
Canadia
2PM That's So Profound, Tiffany.
Long Island secretary #1: She's old.
Long Island secretary #2: Some people just live too long.
Long Island secretary #1: She'll die soon.
Long Island secretary #2: She'll die when I kill her.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: stayingonmysideoftheoffice
1PM Let's Just Say "If Bob Had an Appointment to Rendezvous with His Homosexual Lover"...
Coworker, during meeting: For instance, if Bob had a dentist appointment, we would need someone to cover the phones that day.
Boss: Are you kidding? Bob doesn't go to the dentist, have you smelled his breath?
Los Angeles, California
12PM The Body Of Christ, for Instance.
Boss: (reaches for candy from office candy jar)
Subordinate: Don't eat the chocolate bunny candies, those things are creepy.
Boss: I've put weirder things in my mouth.
Manhattan, New York
11AM ...As This Swatch Test Tells Us.
Manager to worker: Did you get some sun this weekend?
Worker, sheepishly: Yeah.
Manager with gusto: Man, you're redder than a dick on a dog!
Southlake, Texas
10AM Slightly Less Okay, Preston
Boss: It's okay to say "masturbation."
Worker: Okay. He masturbates to his grandma's underwear.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: why do i work here
9AM Pope Benedict: True Dat
Catholic seminary library employee: Are you going to interview Jane's friend for the position?
Catholic seminary library supervisor: No, I decided she wasn't qualified enough.
Catholic seminary library employee: That's a relief.
Catholic seminary library supervisor, surprised: Why do you say that? Don't you like her?
Catholic seminary library employee: It's just that... Have you ever overheard any of their phone conversations?
Catholic seminary library supervisor: No.
Catholic seminary library employee: It's like they're in a competition over who has the most intense visions of the blessed Virgin Mary. We already get enough of that shit.
California
Overheard by: bless me for I have sinned
5PM Why Do You Always Have to Make Things So Hard?
Ex rock band member, current marketing manager: We just busted our nuts all over this project and now, I'd really like someone else to bust their nuts for us!
Newtown Square, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: working through lunch
4PM ...In Case the Pills Make Me Less Fresh and Full Of Life.
Coworker, returning from Walgreens: I just got my crazy pills! Oh, and I got Mentos.
San Francisco, California
3PM Only By Pressing Control Alt Delete
Girl behind counter: So we open the oyster up, and inside we will find a pearl.
Middle aged American tourist: Wow, that is amazing! Does this hurt them?
Girl: Yes, this kills them.
Tourist: What! Can't you restart their brains or something?
Japanese Department Store, EPCOT Centre
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: mark shale
2PM With My Giant Ears Flapping Like Flags
Peon #1: Jimmmy, you got a haircut. Very aerodynamic.
Peon #2: I sure did. All the better for walking quickly down the hallway!
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: JWa
1PM In Case You Were Wondering What to Get Me for Bosses' Day
Male staffer: There may be a problem.
Female manager: With what?
Male staffer: I was just typing an e-mail about a birth certificate. Twice I typed "bitch" instead of "birth".
Female manager: Oooh!
Male staffer: I corrected it before I sent it, though.
Female manager: Thank goodness. (pause) Gotta say, though, that I would love to have a bitch certificate. I mean, I do just fine without one, but it would be nice to have the formal recognition.
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michael
12PM Pop Quiz: Is This, Like, a Sex Thing?
Lady drone #1: You do *not* imprison elder gods.
Lady drone #2, laughing knowingly: Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Don't Make Me Get Down on My Knees for It!
Male office worker #1, referring to college basketball brackets: Well, we're also giving $10 back to the person with the worst bracket.
Male office worker #2: That's bullshit! I should get something.
Female office worker: Wait, I deserve my money because I suck better than the rest of you!
Congressional Office
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Intern trying not to make a comment
10AM Girl Scouts Are So Cute
Coworker to another: What do you want to me to say to them? A lot of my job is lying. And overcharging.
Chicago, Illinois
9AM ...for the Love Of Christ!
Secretary, getting off business phone call: I don't have time to work with all of this... I need to be planning my Easter dinner.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: work always gets in the way
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