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August 2009 Archives
5PM Did Mommy Buy You Computers-Are-Too-Hard-for-Girls Barbie?
Executive assistant: Does anyone have a dictionary?
Coworker: No, but it is online. You can just go to dictionary.com, or Google dictionary.
Executive assistant: That sounds too hard for me. Can you just e-mail me the link?
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: I can't belive she gets paid more than me
4PM ...With That Bucket Of Baby Wipes
Male employee #1: I'm gonna go take a shit.
Female employee: I did not need to hear that.
Male employee #1: Well, it's so you know why I'll be gone so long.
Male employee #2: Well, you could be doing something else...
Kent, Ohio
3PM Last Time That Happened, You Returned the Box Unopened, Ma'am.
Customer: I would like to buy this box of condoms, but I want to know if I can return them if they don't work.
Cashier: What do you mean "if they don't work?"
Customer: You know! If I get pregnant!
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: OhMyGodBecky
2PM All This Time I Thought Wearing Green Was a Style Choice
Female worker #1: As a smoker these days I really feel like a social leprechaun.
Female worker #2: You mean "leper"?
Female worker #1: What?
Canberra
Australia
1PM And Rain Man Could Tell Me How Many There Were
Coworker dissing fire-making skills on Survivor: I would learn to light a fire before I went. I would have to stick the matches up my cooch.
Portland, Oregon
12PM But When I Think About My Salary, I Just Smile
Principal, on the way to a client meeting: Time to go get a pee-pee smack.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Hidden by the Copier
11AM What?? That Bit Kills at the Station.
Police officer, taking initial report on phone: So your stereo was stolen from your vehicle in the hospital parking lot last night? (pause) Okay, sir, I'll get someone out to you to take the report. And sir, I'll be working the security at the hospital tonight and I promise that while I'm on duty no one will steal your stereo out of your car.(laughs) Because it's already been stolen.
Zachary, Louisiana
10AM So The Da Vinci Code Changed My Life!
Woman to group of friends: I just can't get over how my son and daughter have the same initials.
Appleton, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Count Chocula
9AM ...And Does Hair.
Office drone #1 at copier: I want a sandwich.
Office drone #2 at copier: It only prints and copies.
Hawthorne, New York
5PM It Was All, "Where My Crackers At?"
Office admin #1: The party really didn't begin until the cheese showed up.
Office admin #2: I agree.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: New Here
4PM ...Cute Thong, Though.
Male security guard: Well, everything has been taken care of and everyone has been notified of the problem.
Female security guard: So our asses are covered?
Male security guard: Yes, our asses are covered.
Female security guard: But what about everyone else's asses?
Male security guard: Not a work conversation anymore.
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Is That What the Kids Are Calling It?
Director of nursing: Getting it once a week is better than not getting it at all, which is what I was getting.
Maintenance guy: What?
Director of nursing: I need my office vacuumed more often!
Greenwood, South Carolina
Overheard by: Dana
12PM What Did I Tell You About Talking?
Accountant using secretary's copier: Yeah, I guess you can slide in there and make a copy.
Partner, overhearing: Slide? The electric slide?
(secretary groans)
Partner: What, is that like the worst dance ever?
Secretary: Yeah. 'cuz at least the chicken dance is, like, fun.
Partner: That, and it makes sense, because y'know, that's how chickens dance! (demonstrates by flapping)
Manhattan, New York
11AM Hot!
Professor: Whoever taught you to write like this should be flogged with your severed writing arm.
Houston, Texas
10AM Guess Which One's Pretty
Guy coworker: So I know after they've wiped out the rest of my truck, these thieves are thinking, "We can even steal these $3 sunglasses and pawn them for at least a portion of a rock!"
Girl coworker: Rocks are free, dumbass!
Lewisville, Texas
Overheard by: entertained by others' ignorance
9AM ...Thus Taking Silver in the Office Olympics.
Engineering manager: He just knocked a ChapStick out of my ear with a grape!
Central Florida
Overheard by: Arfnotz
5PM As We've All Learned from Survivor
Designer, during meeting: You can get a lot done in a threesome if you have an alliance.
Ad Agency
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: worried coworker
4PM ...and a Novelty Necktie
Young receptionist: So what are you wearing to the party?
Older male boss: Depends.
El Dorado Hills, California
3PM The Ones the Lord Warned Us About?
HR manager to teammate: Come and smell my apples.
Burnaby
British Columbia
Canadia
2PM Let's Avoid the Page on Sperm Whales
Five-year-old girl, reading book about whales: Hey mom, does a baby whale really come out of a mama whale's butt?
Mom: Hmmm...
Hygienist: Oh my god, did anyone else hear that?
Dentist Office
Augusta, Georgia
1PM Which Is Why I'm "Employee Of the Month"
CSR to coworker: I don't really understand sororities. I've always been able to make friends, get drunk and have random sex without having to pay dues.
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM It Was Just a High Five, Hugh.
Man to another: I'm British, we don't touch each other.
Newton, Massachusetts
11AM And the Testicles Were Only Mildly Disturbing
Cube dweller to coworker: Dude, that diamond was flawless--it was anatomically correct.
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM On the Other Hand, What's More Awesome Than a Walk-In Microwave?
Engineering manager: What's the worst that could happen?
Engineer: Well, we could sterilize everyone in the office...
Allen, Texas
9AM A Hair Dryer? Really?
Perky blonde stylist, describing product to client: It's like a liquid form of moisture...
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: irresolute.tumblr
5PM Don't Worry-- She Just Means Her Bowels.
Young man on speakerphone: Let's set something up for next week then. When is good for you?
Lady who should have retired twenty years ago: You pick the day, I'm all loose.
Ottawa
Canadia
4PM Or If I Had Ugly Stepsisters
Temp: I think if I were to have two daughters, I would name them "Armada" and "Militia."
Wall Street
Manhattan, New York
3PM Psh, Like You Don't Do That Four Times a Day
Building guest: I'm supposed to be upstairs on the 23rd floor for Cox.
Building security: Whoa there!
Manhattan, New York
2PM Except Maybe Christ
Coworker #1: When is Lent over?
Coworker #2: Easter.
Coworker #1: If I was Jewish, I don't think I would give anything up for Lent.
Gilbert, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: notajew
1PM The War Between the Clerk and the Reference Librarian Was Legendary
Patron: I'm looking for a book. Could you help me?
Clerk: Can you tell me the title?
Patron: No.
Clerk: How about the author ?
Patron: Uh, no, I don't don't know the author or the title but it has something to do with (pause) uhh...
Clerk: You need to go to the reference desk so that they can look it up for you.
Lima, Ohio
12PM ...or a Pair Of Handcuffs
Girl to friends: Whoa, it looks like I underestimated my boobs this morning. Does anyone have a safety pin?
Bloomfield, Connecticut
11AM Just Pray It Uses Protection
Secretary on phone: So... this Africa thing, is it going to fuck me?
Langley
British Columbia
Canadia
10AM I Put the "Cum" in "Talcum"
Loud gay guy: I am out of cream, so I am really going nasty with the powder.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Cubicle Panda
9AM NewsFlash: Massacretectomy Scandal Rocks Australia!
Customer: I'd rather shoot off my left tit than save her life!
Melbourne
Australia
5PM There Are 14 Million Of Us in Mumbai, You Know
Woman in cubicle on call with overseas agent: Oh, hello... were you in Slumdog Millionaire?
Confused customer service agent: What?
Ottawa
Canadia
Overheard by: poking my eyes out with my pen
4PM And I Couldn't Call in Because the Goats Used All My Minutes
Office worker to receptionist: I would have been here an hour and a half ago but the goats got out.
Chattanooga, Tennessee
3PM Certainly Cheaper Than Making the Office Handicap Accessible
Female coworker: If we put a bit of vaseline on it he probably could have slid right in!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: David
2PM When the State Tallied the Votes on Proposition 8, for Instance
Employee to another: It does not exist. San Fransisco does not exist.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: then where was i?
1PM That Doesn't Mean We're Exclusive
CSR to another, about client: I'm only servicing you!
Charlottesville, Virginia
12PM Nah-- I Only Let You Tip Me That One Time
Coworker #1: Well, I climbed over the fence and knew that it hurt for some reason, but I didn't realize it was an electric fence until I climbed back over a second time.
Coworker #2: So you're pretty much telling us that cows have more sense than you?
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM But She Refused, So I Spiked Her Coffee
Senior Vice President, about co-worker: She's stopped drinking. I told her she should drink more. Drunks are fun!
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: bob
10AM ...Without the Horn Going Into Inappropriate Places Again.
Designer to himself: I can't fit a friggin unicorn between a tiger and a dragon!
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: cube ninja
9AM That's the Couch, Ma'am.
Intern: Is that you who smells good and smells Italian?
Roanoke, Virginia
5PM Another Reason Companies Go Electronic, Bob
Bald male accountant, about leather-bound diary: That's really nice. If I had one as nice as that I'd never do any work, I'd just sit stroking it all day.
Newcastle upon Tyne
England
Overheard by: finance mole
4PM Can't You Recycle the Old Leather Into a Dog Bed or Something?
Software developer on phone: Like I care what it looks like during a recession? Yes... Pull all the leather out of the Porsche. They use cheap leather at the factory!
Houston, Texas
2PM He Got a Brazilian?
Coworker, about teenager: He's un-pubertized.
Springfield, Missouri
1PM Tell Me What a "Document" Is and I'll Make a Guess
Engineer: I keep getting a message that says the document has been deleted. What does that mean?
Database admin: What do you think it means?
Rochester, New York
12PM Their Only Connection Is Scrapple
Girl to another: No, Pennsylvania is one state and Philadelphia is another!
Boynton Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Napalm Seth
11AM Let's Just Say I Appreciate Your "Enlarge" Feature
Secretary to photocopier, lovingly: I spend more time with you than I do my husband.
Copy Room
Brisbane
Australia
10AM Well, the Presentation Is on Cost-Cutting and Layoffs
Guy #1: Are there any bagels left from the meeting this morning?
Guy #2: Yeah, but we're saving them to reuse for another meeting tomorrow.
Guy #1: Wait. What? We can spend $20,000 on presentation materials, but we can't spend $6 for fresh bagels?!
Woodland Park, New Jersey
9AM Meet the Only Honest Man on Park Avenue
Office drone to coworker explaining technical process: The only value I bring to this conversation is my ignorance.
Manhattan, New York
5PM Keeps Claiming It's Not on Her Machine
Desktop analyst #1: She has admin on her computer! She should know how to do this!
Desktop analyst #2: Just because she has administrative rights on her computer doesn't mean she knows how to use Google.
Houston, Texas
4PM Why Nothing Ever Gets Accomplished at the U.N.
Coworker to another who has just joined the conversation: And then we segued into Lucky Charms...
Raleigh, North Carolina
3PM He Can Crochet with Only His Tongue
Coworker to another, attempting to fix jam in the copier: I swear, Ed, you get more done with your mouth than you do your hands!
Seattle, Washington
2PM Which We'll Need to Discuss on Google Chat
Coworker to next cubicle: I'm sending you an e-mail.
Woburn, Massachusetts
1PM ...Before You Use Him As a Drug Mule.
Mother being questioned: I don't understand why I'm here. I don't know what I did wrong.
Detective: I'm not saying it's right or wrong. But sometimes you just gotta clean your kid.
Police Station
Los Angeles, California
12PM He's All, "Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Mothafucka!"
Boss to office: The midget has a whip!
Mitchelton
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: Beka
11AM Elvira Also Believes Her Doctor Is Psychic
Woman on phone: I got a letter from the insurance agency. What should I do?
Lawyer: What does the letter say?
Woman: Aren't you a lawyer?
Lawyer: Yes, but I need to see what the letter says.
Woman: You're e a lawyer. You should know these things.
Lawyer: Without reading it, I don't know.
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM But If HR Asks, I Did Not Say That.
Team manager to sales rep: Girl, you just gotta be comfortable. You gotta be easy!
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: Project Manager
9AM Bet Dolly Parton Never Uses That Expression
Accounting supervisor: I'd really like for this customer to start paying on time.
Trade floor director: Well, I'd like bigger tits and a smaller ass, but that's not going to happen.
Houston, Texas
5PM What I Mean Is "I Enjoy Erotic Experiences with Young Dogs"
Tech manager: Okay, I gotta go finish writing this nasty gram to a client.
Account manager: Hurry up! I want puppies. Puppies! Puppies! Puppies! Oops, that sounded bad.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Cindy
4PM It's Like I'm a Virgin Again!
30-something coworker, happily: So they tell me it's herpes in my eye. I know! They've given me Zovirax for it.
ProRail
Utrecht
Belgium
Overheard by: Thomas van Alphen
3PM So Let's Just Say My Gyno and I Did a Little Finagling
Office worker: You can't take anything into the prison. But I totally want to take a picture. For prosperity.
Oregon
Overheard by: Hutch
2PM I Suggest You Switch to Diet Pepsi
Office Mormon to guy drinking beer at dinner: Dude, you're so drunk.
Drinker: I don't tell you what it's like to be Mormon, so you don't tell me what it's like to be drunk.
Honolulu, Hawaii
1PM Sarah Jessica Parker Realizes She Has Few True Friends
Woman on cell, happily: Hi! Are you divorced yet?
Tarrytown, New York
12PM Would Epic Porn Be Like The Diliad and The Bodyssey?
Guy in charge of van duty: You're going to be the next... (next words muffled by van engines)
Girl assisting van duty: Did you just tell me I'm going to be in epic porn?
Guy: What? No! I said "admin coord." You're not going to go to HR, are you?
Girl: No, I'm actually a little flattered.
Marginal Way
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: porn star
11AM Unlike White People, Who Pretend to Have Read Them
Black coworker, showing off book: It was on Oprah's Book Club.
White coworker: Oh, okay.
Black coworker, putting book under shirt: And now I'm hiding it, cos I don't read books. I'm black.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: sure, why not?
10AM Indiana's Only Gay Man Is Often Misunderstood
Flamboyant male coworker to female coworker: Can I borrow your cream?
Female co-worker: (stunned silence)
Flamboyant male coworker: Er! Cream-er!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: liz
9AM And It's Pronounced "Canadia"
File clerk: So do the Summer Olympics happen every... eight years?
Law clerk: Um, four years.
File clerk: I'm taking this quiz. Is Canada in South America?
Law clerk: North America.
Law Office
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Perplexed
5PM Four? You Must Be Important!
Prehistoric employee: So your email address... is the com with one or two Ms?
Melbourne
Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Time to retire
4PM But If You Mean Hugh Hefner, I Agree.
Cubicle rat: He's losing control of his bowels all over the place, his toe nails are long, he stinks and he's getting old. I think I need to put him down.
Cubicle neighbor: I hope you are talking about an animal.
Lansing, Michigan
3PM The Office Rather Enjoys Lucy and Ethel's Harebrained Schemes
Female receptionist #1: Yeah, now he's all disfigured.
Female receptionist #2: A chipped tooth? They can fix that easy.
Female receptionist #1: Yeah, but we're trying to get a prescription for medical marijuana. Or at least a handicapped parking decal.
Jersey City
Overheard by: It's painful just listening
2PM It's So Cute How You Think There Are "Real" Numbers
Manager to underling: So did you come up with these numbers over beers or are these the real numbers?
Hamilton
Ontario
Overheard by: Welcome to the scrap business
1PM Happy New Year's!
Waitress: (lifts heavy box and grunts)
Waiter: Are you okay?
Waitress: Yeah, I think my balls just dropped.
Restaurant
Ohio
12PM ...Let Us Never Speak Of This Conversation Again.
Office woman #1: I'm like a Japanese girl. I like everything tiny.
Office woman #2: Everything?
Office woman #1: Yes, I like everything to be tiny.
Office woman #2: Well, I like things to be a nice size.
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
11AM And He's Quadrisexual
Clueless coworker, trying to sell candidate to potential employer: Yes, he's bilingual. He speaks five languages!
St. Louis, Missouri
10AM So, Kinda Like You Go Through Chicks?
Girl: Yeah, I guess I kinda go through men.
Guy: Yep, like I go through marshmallow peeps.
Redmond, Washington
9AM In Mexican, "Two Horses" Means "One Beer"
Dumb coworker: That's where I learned to speak Mexican.
Confused coworker: Huh?
Dumb coworker: When I was ordering a Dos Equis at the bar.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: perturbed coworker
5PM So I Won $20 in the Office Pool
Coworker, running into office in a panic: The unthinkable just happened! The executive director just quoted Jar Jar Binks!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: point taken. i'll be clearing off my desk if you need me.
4PM ...The One That Says "Delete All"?
Presenter: So which button do I hit to get to the next slide?
Coworker: The space bar.
Presenter: Okay, and which one is that?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: mystified
3PM ...And I Fucking Implement That Shit.
Head of security: There's nothing wrong with having an expanded vocabulary.
Chief engineer: I fuckin' love it!
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM When You Love Your Job, It Isn't Really "Work"
Salesman on speakerphone: Hey, Paul, get in here so we can work on BJs. (meaning the wholesale store)
Graphic designer: Eeewwwww!
Farmingdale, New York
Overheard by: peej
1PM This Kruller May Have a Hole, But You Complete Me.
Male coworker, after being given a fresh donut: I don't think I could be anymore of your friend than I am right now.
Female coworker: Yeah, it just peaked out.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Doughnut King
12PM Seems Like a Crazy Business Venture, Though
Guy on cell in building lobby: Yeah, I googled it, and you can buy straitjackets online.
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Jennifer
11AM Oddly, "Mother" Is Her Siamese Cat
Middle-aged worker bee on phone: Mother, are you pregnant?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
10AM Yeah, But I Spent Years in Medical School Honing Those Skills
Nurse to doctor: I mean, you've got to have something to live for.
Doctor to nurse: Yeah, you at least gotta be able to fuck somebody or piss somebody off.
Nurse to doctor: And from what I hear, you're great at both!
Springfield, Illinois
Overheard by: SWARD
9AM Oh Wait, This Isn't Mine
Coworker, blowing nose and checking tissue: No wonder I was having trouble breathing!
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: Steve
5PM Will E-mail Ever Eliminate Snail Mail? Discuss.
Woman #1, noticing a letter in woman #2's inbox: Oh, you have stuff in your box!
Woman #2: I always have something in my box.
Woman #1: Aw, I never have anything put in my box.
National Capital Region
Canadia
Overheard by: government spawn
4PM Only If It Means I Can Call Myself The Mac Daddy
Older male patient: I have been previously diagnosed with glaucoma, cataract and immaculate degeneration.
Doctor: Uh, do you mean macular degeneration?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Barry
3PM I'm Pretty Sure Florida Forwards Mail to the Hereafter
Older woman library user: I'd like to send a sympathy card to Perry Como.
Librarian: I thought he died several years ago.
Library user: I know. The last address I have is in Jupiter, Florida.
Hawthorne, California
Overheard by: librain13
2PM Yet This George Foreman Grill Is Not As Handy As Expected
Cubicle rat on phone: I expect a white man to lie to me, not a black guy.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Greg
1PM I Should Write a Haiku About This
Employee: I think I'm too aggressive.
Manager: It's like you have vomit of the mouth. I mean diarrhea of the mouth. Which I guess is like vomit of the butt.
Dallas, Texas
12PM I'll Need Something to Wash It Down
Employee #1: Why are you pulling all of those nuts off the shelf?
Employee #2: They were recalled because of the salmonella outbreak.
Employee #1: Oh. I didn't know there was peanut butter in those nuts.
Ohio
Overheard by: Sofa Kingdom
11AM And My Husband's Right in the Middle Of Their Ages
Coworker, about baby that she brought to office: Oh, she's three months old.
Random office worker: Do you have other children?
Coworker: Yes. Two. Both older.
Tallahassee, Florida
10AM For Some Reason, People Don't Take Us Seriously
Presenter: We're going to go over our organization's strengths and weaknesses now. So, do you want to talk about how much we suck or how much we rock first?
Audience member: That's what she said.
STAND Conference, Harvard
Cambridge, Massachusetts
9AM What Would He Do with It?
Coworker #1: He has a penis, you know...
Coworker #2: Who?
Coworker #1: Jesus.
Mountville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Where did that come from?
5PM And I Wouldn't Have These Constipation Issues
Hot secretary #1: I think if you push "release," the call goes away.
Hot secretary #2: I wish I had a "release" button... then I might not have to fake it with my boyfriend.
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: JDeez
4PM So We Have Something in Common
Loan assistant, after hanging up the phone with loan officer: Well, he's not the sharpest light bulb in the drawer, is he?
Mount Vernon, Kentucky
3PM And Finally Dove Headfirst Into Them?
Coworker: Remember that one guy that we interviewed that wouldn't stop staring at Rachel*'s tits?
Madison, Wisconsin
2PM The Longer Answer Includes "Because You Smell"
Boss in special activities division: The short answer is: it's classified.
Bearded man: What's the long answer?
Boss: The long answer is: it's classified, and I don't like you.
CIA Headquarters
Langley, Virginia
Overheard by: John Alejandro King
1PM And Stop Talking About My Wife Like That
Department supervisor: What possessed you to throw the cow at the wall?
Office guy: Because... it... sticks to things!
Brooklyn Center, Minnesota
Overheard by: Moo...
12PM Also How South America Decided to Add Chile
Communications chick: I know it's kinda long, but I feel like it should be in there.
Canton, Massachusetts
11AM Yeah, Airport Security Gave Me an Odd Look, Too.
Man #1: What's in the bag?
Man #2: Fake pussies.
Woman: What?!
Man #2: Fake pussy willows.
Manhattan, New York
9AM His Potted Plant Did Not Respond
Boss: I'm blaming you for the stock market's performance today.
Los Angeles, California
5PM From My Big Book Of Awkward Conversation Starters
Male tech #1: Chris, are you pregnant and considering adoption?
Male tech #2: Yes. Wait, what?
Denville, New Jersey
Overheard by: BabakganoosH
4PM ...As the School Motto States.
College admissions rep: I might sound like an idiot, but I look good.
Syracuse, New York
3PM This Generally Ends Poorly
Office peon, looking at digital camera box: Oh! Can you take it out and show me how big it is?
New York City, New York
2PM I Don't See Much Market for a Pants Cam, Though
Guy in cubicle on phone: Well, it feels like it's about 3 or 4 inches up in there! No... No. Well, did you see the pictures? Because you can totally see it's all the way up in there!
Oil Company
Tulsa, Oklahoma
1PM Barbara Bush Still Has a Few Illusions About Her Son
Mom: So, my son had a party while I was away, but at least he cleaned up the blood before I got home.
Friend: Wait... what?
Career Center
Augusta, Maine
Overheard by: Unemployed and unemployable
12PM Larry's Talking Through His Ass Again
Worker, entering building and chuckling: I already wiped ya clean one time!
Chesapeake, Virginia
11AM Um, All I Asked Was "What Was Your Major?"
Bubbly blond college grad to incredulous admin: Boys have it so easy. Being a princess is hard!
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Glad I have it easy!
10AM So It'll Be Very Personal to Us.
Wife, browsing through movies: Well, how about The Midnight Meat Train?
Husband: Your mom rides the midnight meat train.
Video Rental Store
New York City, New York
Overheard by: jb
9AM Kidnappers Have to Earn a Living, Too.
PR exec #1: I just heard he's coming to the meeting tomorrow, after all.
PR exec #2: So he's sick of the person from his basement, then?
London
Ontario
Canadia
5PM To Be Fair, He Says This Every Day
Male coworker to another wearing Mardi Gras beads: Aren't you supposed to like, show your breasts or something?
Broadway & Canal
New York City, New York
Overheard by: office peon
4PM That Seinfeld Episode Has Affected Everyone Differently
IT guy #1: I will kill you with my soup cup?
IT guy #2: Okay.
Dodge St
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Northern Lad
3PM Like You Do in My Erotic Fantasies
Cube dweller #1: Achooooooo! Oh my gosh, I just sneezed so hard my chair moved backwards!
Cube dweller #2: At least you didn't tinkle in your panties!
Charleston, South Carolina
2PM You I Love Unconditionally
Father mechanic: You sound like your mother.
Son mechanic: Yeah, but I'm not throwing an iron at you. Or a dictionary.
Father mechanic: I loved her until then.
Car Dealership
Oakville, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Poor Mr. Hefner Becomes More Confused Every Year
Woman: So, you're taking your daughter swimming today?
Man: Yeah, her first lesson is doggy style.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: I didn't think we lived in West Virgina
12PM But Having Started, It's Impossible to Stop
Philosopher: It's hard to whistle when you're flying.
Connecticut
11AM Keeps Drinking the Water Cooler Dry
Code enforcer: I have an animal control complaint.
Animal control: Okay, what is it?
Code enforcer: There's a camel loose in our office!
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
10AM Aren't We All, Really?
Sales associate: Can I help you find something, ma'am?
Woman: Oh, no thanks, my husband is just looking for a screw.
Hardware Store
Falmouth, Massachusetts
9AM Dear Diary-- Hit on Jonathan Today. I Think I Really Impressed Him!
Girl in smoking area: Yeah. Well, they say that the United States has the most severe weather of our whole country.
Evans, Colorado
Overheard by: Princess
5PM Hey, She's Your Mom
CSR #1: I don't think I can carpool with Meg* anymore.
CSR #2: Why?
CSR #1: Well, Meg* either doesn't know how to wipe her ass properly or she decides to let a ripper go right before I get in her car. Either way, it's just too much to deal with.
Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: Wooderson
4PM Also for That "Plotting-World-Domination" Look
Female employee: I'm going to wear a handlebar mustache. For that androgynous look.
City Centre
Bristol
England
3PM Compact Cars Are Getting More and More Absurd
Girl: How big is it?
Guy: 19 inches.
Girl: Only?
Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia
2PM Then We Empty the Can Into a Volcano
Son, pointing to a tip can: Mom, what's that?
Mom: That's where they put all the naughty kids that are bothering the parents.
Son: No they don't!
Mom: It's true, you can ask the lady.
Grocery bagger: Yup, your mom's right.
Kailua, Hawaii
Overheard by: Worker #43
1PM It Is This Against Which We Are Fighting, Sir
Telemarketer with heavy Indian accent: Hello, I would like to speak to whoever handles your Yellow Pages or SuperPages needs. Who would that be?
Guy, interrupted at work: Do you not see a problem with the phonebook sales person calling and saying they don't know who they are calling?
Honolulu, Hawaii
12PM Too Hungry to Fight, Huh?
Customer: Ummm... What's in a veggie sandwich?
(short pause)
Employee: Uh, veggies.
(short pause)
Customer: Oh. Okay. I'll have a veggie sandwich.
Subway Sandwich Shop
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: 'Chelle
11AM At Least He's Stopped Asking When He'll Go to Hogwarts
Four-year-old kid to dad: Dad, how old will I be when I'm a Jedi knight?
Barnes & Noble
Manhasset, New York
Overheard by: Jen
10AM When Kirstie Allie Dreams
Coworker, eating wasabi peas: I was about to put two big ones in my mouth!
Hawthorne, New York
9AM I Don't Even Feel Like Working Next to You
Girl #1, entering bathroom stall: Sorry, I didn't feel like peeing next to you.
Girl #2, without skipping a beat: Oh, that's okay.
Salisbury, Maryland
5PM Bob and Mike Were Never to Meet Face-to-Face
Cubicle drone to loud coworker: You know, Mike*, I can hear you from all the way over here.
Mike*: You know, Bob* I can smell you from all the way over here!
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: jane
4PM And Your Offspring Will Come Out with Sparkling Teeth
Office worker: To me, Clorox cleans everything. They figure out a way to put Clorox inside a body, and you'll have a cure for Aids.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: anyabelisle
3PM Like I Did With You.
Girl: Which one will fit in my port?
IT guy: The plugs are all the same size.
Girl: Oh, so I just push it in? I don't want to just jam it in there and not have anything happen for me.
NIH Campus
Bethesda, Maryland
2PM Nobody Expects Much Of Me Anymore
Erring employee: Shit, I screwed it up.
Naive employee: Don't worry. If it's screwable, I've done it.
Lakewood, Colorado
1PM What Comes from Being Raised on Episodes Of Roseanne
Coworker to customer: No, no. I don't think it won't take anything no longer than that.
Mt. Laurel, New Jersey
Overheard by: Annoyed
12PM Why You Should Never Date Your Boss
Boss: What?
Employee: What...?
Boss: No, I just said "what?"
Employee: What?
Boss: No, that is what I am asking: what?
Employee: What...?
Boss: Never mind!
Lincoln Park, Michigan
11AM Male Bonding Is a Serious Undertaking
Italian service guy: Maybe we can bring-a some nice-a cheese, some nice-a mozzarella...
Italian VP: This is a fishing trip! Bah, you've never been on a fishing trip. This isn't gonna be fun.
Rosedale, Maryland
Overheard by: Tempin' it up
10AM Let Me See the Money First
Boy, at 2:30 am: Hi, can I have 240 nuggets?
McDonald's
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
9AM The Office Discontinued "Marijuana Mondays" Shortly Thereafter
Coworker sprawled on couch, humming taps: This is for all the brain cells that have been lost today.
Willow Lawn
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Still giggling
5PM I Totally Would've Said You Were Five-and-a-Half, at Best
Editor: This story is too long. We've got to whack off about eight inches here.
Modesto, California
4PM Canadian Employees Often Face This Kind Of Harassment
Female boss, demanding computer use from underling: I want your SAP!
Cardiff
Wales
Overheard by: Sean
3PM And That's What I Like About the South
Office drone to another: I just put it in my mouth thinking it was sweet, started sucking on it and it keeps getting hotter.
Department of Commerce
South Carolina
2PM I'll Grease You If You Get Stuck
Office peon to big boss lady: Oh, move! You're taking up the whole hallway!
Big boss lady: I beg your pardon?
Office peon: Did I say that out loud? You know how people usually say that when they're joking? I'm not joking... I really didn't mean to say it.
Big boss lady: Perhaps you should follow me to my office.
Office peon: Yes... probably.
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: better at (not) talking
1PM Bugs on the Brain, I Suppose
Lady in queue to group of young people: When I was at school I was referred to as being a bit odd. But I didn't mind being different, I enjoyed science subjects like biology. Learning about orgasms and bacteria. Wait! Did I just say what I think I said?
London
England
Overheard by: Misslead youth
12PM Then Why Do You Keep Fiddling Around in There?
Big boss, telling off peon: You need to look around for work yourself when you're done and the supervisors are busy.
Male manager: Look on desks, in drawers.
Big boss: You might not be comfortable with going through others' drawers, but...
Female manager: You can go through my drawers any time.
Peon: That terrifies me.
Hindmarsh
Adelaide
Australia
11AM Says It Wants to Talk to You
Boss on phone: Yeah, you know that thing you removed? Well it's growing back, and it's irritated.
Los Angeles, California
10AM I'm Sick and Tired Of Hearing About Bush
Female coworker #1: I really need to cut back on my caffeine.
Female coworker #2: Yeah, me too.
Female coworker #1: No, I really need to stop. Whenever I go out with my running group, I always need to pull over and shit in the bushes. Y'know, because of the caffeine.
Female coworker #2: (tries unsuccessfully to hide disgust)
Female coworker #1: What? It's totally natural.
Male coworker: Why can't there be more men in this department?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Had to stop eating my lunch
9AM And Why Are My Eyes All Red?
Cube dweller: This joint thing is confusing me. What's a joint?
La Jolla, California
5PM Mr. Poitier's Publicist Was Rapidly Fired
Man to woman, entering elevator: The best thing about Sydney is that you can go either way, male or female.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
4PM It Sounds Like You're Talking About Cheese
Office guy #1: Does this look hard to you? Feel it?
Office girl: I don't really like it hard. I like it soft.
Office guy #1: I was thinking the same thing. Should we cut it off?
Office guy #1: Do you like it hard? Feel it.
Office guy #2: Do you know what this sounds like?
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
3PM Kind Of Like Your Accommodations
Hotel guest: Do you have any forks?
Girl at front desk: Yeah, how many would you like?
Hotel guest: Two. But they're forks, right? Not sporks? You know what sporks are, right?
Girl at front desk: Yes, they're hybrid spoon/fork things.
Hotel guest: Yeah... Reminds me of when I was in prison.
Hawthorne, California
Overheard by: ...what?
2PM Ron Got His IT Degree on Paris Hilton's My New IT Guy
Clueless IT guy setting up new computer: Jeff, there's something wrong with your new computer. I can't get a CD to fit in the drive.
Jeff: Maybe it's because you have the computer upside down.
Rochester, New York
1PM Why Sigourney Weaver Got Really Cranky During the Filming Of Alien
Animal-savvy office girl: Kangaroos are really mean.
Ordinary office girl, thoughtfully: I would be too, if someone was like hopping in and out of my stomach all day long.
Virginia
12PM Would You Like to See the Footage?
Boss: I got my wife a colonic for Valentines Day.
Employee: Oh yeah, sounds romantic.
Boss: It's like Groundhog Day.
Employee: With Bill Murray.
Boss: Yeah, it comes out for a little peek.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Why be fake
11AM I Smell a Reality Series!
Religious coworker: I can probably get them to take your offer.
Religious owner: You're my best friend. You're trying to bump Jesus and Sandy out the way!
Office Hallway
San Diego, California
Overheard by: b.andre
10AM ...I Have a T-Shirt That Says "Beer Is Food"
Coworker: Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying I'm a rapist, but...
Bloomington, Illinois
Overheard by: Watching her back on the way to her car
9AM ...But Everyone Else Just Rolled Over and Went to Sleep.
Female marketing manager on phone: That was the best meeting we've had since I've been here. It felt like sex! When it was finished I wanted to smoke a cigarette and drink some scotch.
Technology Square
Cambridge, Massachusetts
5PM Mormonism, in a Nutshell
Boss on cell: Drink the Kool-Aid, wear the underwear.
Presque Isle, Michigan
Overheard by: wtf
4PM A Trash Can for Tampons Was Voted the Worst Kid's Book Of the New Century
Sales rep: Where's Eric?
Secretary: Oh, he went to buy a trash can for tampons.
Countryside, Illinois
3PM This Makes Even Less Sense in Portuguese
Jewish middle-aged woman, after looking for something in her purse for a long time: It's like putting a donkey in a living room... You know, if you're a rabbi.
Bookstore
Sao Paulo
Brazil
2PM Just Like I Say to My Husband on Very Special Nights
Barista handing toast to customer: You're all buttered up and ready to rock and roll!
Redlands, California
Overheard by: snotting_espresso
1PM Only Bush Found That Amusing
CEO: Guys, guys--no monkeys, we're calling the White House.
New York City, New York
12PM For a Pedophile
Sales guy to another: That Willy Wonka is a pretty good guy.
Dalton, Georgia
11AM Why Depends Were Originally Invented
50-year old guy #1: I don't want to be here.
50-year old guy #2, passing by: Just shit your pants. Nobody likes working with you if you have shitty pants.
Rocky River, Ohio
10AM On the Other Hand, We Probably Wouldn't Be Able to Smoke Them
Blonde: Imagine if children were like plants. There'd be loads more children!
St Albans
England
Overheard by: Sooz
9AM Like, Rememer When Ashley Olsen Dated Lance Armstrong?
File minion: You know, pygmies are so desperate...
Denver, Colorado
5PM All It Takes Is Some Play Doh and a Dream
Woman #1: Plus, I thought it might be fun to have a man.
Woman #2: Oh, I tried that once before, don't you remember my little experiment?
Mental Health Clinic
Quincy, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Mike
4PM But My Milk Is Less Pungent
Coworker #1, describing skydiving experience: I passed out from the excitement!
Coworker #2: So, you're like those goats that faint when you startle them.
Coworker #1: Yes!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Jen
3PM What Working for Cirque Du Soleil Must Be Like
Agitated American Apparel cashier to another: Listen, if you're going to borrow my bodysuit, you have to wear a hygienic pad!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Do I Need to Put That in the Confiscation Closet with Your Scooter?
Boss: Oh hey, what are ya'll doing in the server closet?
Underling #1: He's playing with his new toy.
Boss: Cool. What's his new toy?
Underling #2, from behind server rack: Water gun.
Dallas, Texas
1PM On the Other Hand, Your Parents Will Always Be There to Bail You Out
Employee: It's scary when your own government is telling you that the unemployment rate will raise and economy will worsen.
Friend: Hmm. Debatable.
Employee: It's like your parents telling you that you're going to be a junkie in the coming year.
Piscataway, New Jersey
Overheard by: Caroline
12PM Hmm, These Just Smell Like Feces.
Exec, walking into his office: Woah, it smells like tuna in here! (smells his hands)
Kansas City , Missouri
Overheard by: staying WAY out of that one
11AM At Least She Didn't Say "Terrorist"
Older Asian lady: Oh, you shaved your beard off!
IT guy: Yep!
Older Asian lady: Now I don't have to be afraid of you.
IT guy: What?
Older Asian lady: Every time I saw you with your beard, I was afraid you were going to mug me, but now you don't look like a mugger.
IT guy: Thanks... I think?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Amused at Asian ladies...
10AM A No-Holds-Barred Look Into the World Of Midget Plate-Spinners
Coworker to boss: Poor Karen, I felt so sorry for her. She was so tiny, and she was doing six or seven at a time.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: spice
9AM Let's Take a Minute to Be Grateful for Our Jobs Where That's Not an Issue
Producer: I promise you, strawberry tastes better than ass.
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
5PM Unlike Donald Trump, Whose Success Is Inversely Proportional to His.
Company president to communications VP, discussing radio interview: My whole performance level is based on my hair.
Sex Toy Company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
4PM If Only People Could Afford to Pay Us
President of law firm: Well, in these tough economic times, it's great to know that there's a billable lining to every dark cloud.
Richmond, Virginia
3PM But I Am One Step Closer to Douchebaggery
Boss: Why do you have a new BlackBerry?
Salesperson: Because I am awesome.
Boss: You don't even know how to use it, do you?
Salesperson: Uh... No.
Augusta, Georgia
2PM I Need Someone to Help Select a New Window Treatment
Drone: I need to go to the closet.
Supervisor: I'm on my way to the closet right now, I call it first!
Drone: Okay, let me know when you're out of the closet.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Oh Lord its always like this
1PM At This Point, Henrietta's Pants Spontaneously Burst Into Flames
Customer on cell with full cart of groceries: Hello? Yeah, I had to stay at work late 'cos one of the other girls was sick... I just got in my car now.
Mamaroneck, New York
Overheard by: The Cashier
12PM ...Oh, You Meant the Status Of My Report?
Senior counsel, on phone with unfortunate client: It was a two-dump morning. Yeah, it was kind of soft.
Falls Church, Virginia
11AM The Best Part Is, It Was a Banana.
Cashier: Since this is a liquidation, all sales are final and there are no returns or exchanges.
Customer: So if something's wrong with it, I can't return it?
Cashier: That's right.
Customer: Okay.
Customer, after item is paid for: So, I can return this if it's wrong?
Cashier, sighing: You know what? Give it a whirl. Let me know how that goes.
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Um, Isn't That FreeCell?
Office worker on phone to friend: No, go ahead and ask the question--I can think and work at the same time.
Jeanerette, Louisiana
9AM I'm Just Skinny! Wheee!
Sales rep to another: Turns out I'm not on heroin.
Waltham, Massachusetts
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