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July 2009 Archives
5PM ...Yeah, Just Like That, Baby.
Guy: Wow, you did an amazing job on these illustrations!
Woman: Do I have to keep drawing more illustrations?
Guy: Well, maybe if you sucked we wouldn't ask you to draw anymore.
Woman: Oh.
Guy loudly: Why don't you try sucking? Suck a little harder!
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Scandalous
4PM How Do We Expect to Penetrate New Markets If We Don't?
Manager: Why have we been doing so many refunds this week?
Coworker #1: Because our salespeople can't sell properly. They need to start asking customers simple questions, like, "Will this fit in your gap?"
(much sniggering from others)
Coworker #2: You can't ask people that!
Nottingham
England
3PM The New Dan Brown Novel Blames Pope Gregory
Boss #1: We need to cut the cost of producing this calendar.
Boss #2: Yes. What's driving the page count?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: sigh....
2PM So You're the One Who Put That in the Office Comment Box?
Guy in elevator: So I had to go buy new shoelaces over lunch.
Girl in elevator: It's about time. You've been lacing them too tight for weeks. Makes me crazy.
Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: what
1PM Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Dump?
Guy, waxing lyrical in bathroom stall: Plop plop. Piss piss. Another dump I slowly dismiss. Although they don't smell like flowers, I can do this all day cause I'm paid by the hour.
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Joe the average
12PM I Was Hoping for at Least a Fart
Demanding colleague Give it! Give it!
Allergic colleague: (sneezes)
Demanding colleague: Um. That wasn't what I meant.
Harbor Island, Washington
Overheard by: Not unless you hid it in your nose...
11AM So That's on My Resume under "Languages"
Coworker: My best friend, like, he used to be black, so I sometimes speak with a black accent.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Overheard by: Master Mahan
10AM ...to the Tune Of "Hot Stuff"
Boss, sending young workers to interior house painting location: Send the guys to the house. And they need to bring rubber gloves, cause they will be stripping.
Jeanerette, Louisiana
9AM We Think This Quote Is Kind Of Awesome
Secular Muslim salesgirl #1: What do you think of what I am wearing?
Secular Muslim salesgirl #2: I'm glad you asked, it's bizarre. Why are you wearing such a short skirt? It's winter! And is that shirt actually lingerie? And why are you wearing a veil? Especially with all this? I've never seen you wear a veil!
Secular Muslim salesgirl #1: My grandmother put glue in my shampoo bottle to try to force me to cover my hair and dress more conservatively. I didn't have time to fix it. I had to wear a veil. And the rest... well, I couldn't let her win.
Clothing Store
Sarajevo
Bosnia and Herzegovina
5PM We Won't Pretend to Understand Australian Soap Operas
Girl #1: Actually, I think her parents were brother and sister by adoption.
Girl #2: Does that mean she's an albino?
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
4PM What's the Finance Code for That?
Worker #1, about customer: How is it "annually" if she did it in September, and it's June now?
Worker #2: She's a moron.
Austin, Texas
3PM Why I Only Date Russian Men
Suit: It's got a dead animal on the top, just the way I like it.
L'Enfant Plaza
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Guess he's not a vegan
2PM I Warned You About Poke Salad Annie
Customer #1: I don't know how she thinks she's hot.
Customer #2: Who?
Customer #1: Sweet tits.
Customer #2: (mumbles obscenities)
Customer #1: Well, I don't know what to tell you, you're the one who always dates mean, nasty women.
Target
Evansville, Indiana
Overheard by: REDman
1PM A Girl Can't Get Enough RAM
Director, about IT guy coming to work on her computer: Okay, I'm just going to clear off my desk in case he decides to do me.
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM ...But What's with Those Asbestos Warning Signs?
IT guy: What's wrong?
Foreign IT guy, sniffing: I'm not sure.
IT guy: Don't worry, you're in America now. They'll be stuff wrong with you that you never knew was wrong and whatever it is, there'll be a pill for it.
Foreign IT guy, backing away: Uhhhh... thanks.
Aliso Viejo, California
11AM ...or She Brings the Baby to Court As an Expert Witness
Attorney on phone: She's a full-time mommy and a full time lawyer. I don't know how she does it.
Eavesdropping legal assistant, muttering: That means she's only part-time...
Austin, Texas
10AM Wonder Woman Faced a Lot Of Discrimination from the Other Superheros
Male coworker: You just didn't want anyone to see how much of a slut you looked like.
Female coworker: That's not true. I did not look like a slut!
Male coworker: Oh that's right--you put underwear on.
Female coworker: Exactly!
Reno, Nevada
9AM Ironically, It Was Cherry
Girl: Did you go to sleep right away or were there bedtime activities?
Boy: No, we did not have sex because I was so full of pie!
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
5PM And I Have a Followup Question About the Bag Of Donuts
Guy to waitress: So, this cookie plate. What is it, a plate of cookies?
Chicago,Illinois
4PM This Is the Worst Possible Time for a "Your Mom" Joke
Boss at computer: So, when you say "inbox"... What exactly do you mean by that?
Manhattan, New York
3PM She'd Feed You Cake and Bring You Other Women As Gifts
Engaged young man: I don't think she even likes me.
Older married man: If she liked you, she would never marry you.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Look at You Blush
IT guy, hurrying through lobby: There's someone downstairs that can't figure out how to use the little box.
Jaded marketing gal: God, I hate that.
Seattle, Washington
1PM But Then I Drew a Whole Family Of Bunnies. So...Better.
PR coordinator: How did that conference call go?
PR director: Well, I doodled a sketch of myself jumping off the top of our parking garage. So... not good.
Ad Agency
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Mandorama
12PM By Which I Mean That I'm Vigorously Rubbing My Genitalia
Female employee, after answering question: Sorry I couldn't give you a more stimulating answer.
Male boss: That's okay, I'm stimulating myself enough anyway.
(awkward silence)
Adelaide
Australia
Overheard by: walkingawaygiggling
11AM I Call It "Compost Interest"
Suit, walking out of conference room: Poop in my hand! Poop in my hand!
Bank of America Tower
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: bigwig's secretary
10AM Things Have Been Tense Since the Horse Porn Conversation
Manager: Did you make a new folder for the nursery division?
Accountant: Did I?
Manager: Yes, did you?
Accountant: Would I?
(manager stares blankly)
Freehold, New Jersey
Overheard by: Max
9AM Next Time, Just Have the Vomwich
Female coworker #1, walking back from bathroom: I'm so mad I ate that slice of pizza for lunch.
Female coworker #2: Did you just throw up?
Female coworker #1: No! If I did, then I wouldn't be mad.
Female coworker #3: Well, then maybe you should go back.
Manhattan, New York
5PM We Believe He Was the Inspiration for Milton in Office Space
Supervisor: The problem is that we have some faculty who just will not leave. There's a guy who hasn't been paid since 1991 that still comes in every day.
Worcester, Massachusetts
4PM ...Because I Just Took a Couple. I Hope They Don't Mind.
Secretary to another: Do you know whose toenail clippings are in the conference room under the table?
Raleigh, North Carolina
3PM I Was Surprised-- It's Actually a Good Size!
Male lawyer, presented with basket of assorted candy bars for his birthday: Wow, Skybar, Fifth Avenue! I haven't seen some of these candy bars since the 1970s.
Cute secretary: I was checking out your Clark Bar before.
Male lawyer: I'm flattered!
Law office
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
2PM What Version Of "Chutes & Ladders" Is This, Anyway?
Male coworker #1 to male coworker #2: Hands up! No nipple action!
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Jefferson
1PM You'll Get Poked a Lot Here at Pokémon.com
Office manager to room full of new hires: I like to reach out and touch everyone. We have lots of different ways to do that.
L'Enfant Plaza
Washington, DC
12PM I'm Talking to You, Ripley
Coworker: Gather more than five people together in one place, and odds are that at least one will be a shit-munching little crap-weasel.
Ventura, California
Overheard by: Tom
11AM Cinnamon, Muffin, Peaches, and Candi Were Understandably Annoyed
Dave, standing with four females and some candy gift baskets: Hey, Tom.
Tom: Hey, Dave, you should dig in to those treats over there... And no, I don't mean the ladies!
Jersey City, New Jersey
10AM Or Is It?
Product development guy: I just got an e-mail in Chinese... What do I do?
Product development gal: Just copy/paste it into Microsoft Word and change the font.
Product development guy: It's Chinese, not Wingdings.
Queens, New York
9AM ...Is the Theme Of This Year's Gay Pride Parade
Boss: What's a few holes between friends?
Collegeville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Techmonkey
5PM It's a Tough Economy, People
Boss: Do you like your bananas al dente?
Intern: Yes, I do!
Manhattan, New York
4PM A Number Two?
Boss: And I would bet my... um... pencil, on that. Wait... what do they say?
Grad student: Ass. You'd bet your ass on that.
Boss: Oh, no. I don't want to bet that. I'll bet my favorite pencil.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
3PM Aquariums Do Seem to Reduce Employee Stress
Coworker #1: Ah, look at the massive turd coming out of the fish!
Coworker #2: Oh, where?
Coworker #3: Is it doing a poo?!
Coworker #2: Oh wow!
Coworker #4: It's good you all have work to do.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Not Looking...
2PM ...the Way You Rock Those Slutty High Heels
Short coworker: Man, I would give anything to be taller.
Tall coworker: I'd totally slip you a couple inches if I could.
(awkward silence)
Laramie, Wyoming
Overheard by: sarah
1PM The Birds and Bees Conversation Never Goes Well
Hostess: How about a bumblebee?
Server: He was asking about kinds of birds, not bugs.
Hostess: Same difference.
Server: Lots of things fly that aren't birds, like bats.
Hostess: Bats are birds.
Server: Bats are mammals!
Hostess: Birds are mammals.
Server, apoplectic: Birds are birds!
Restaurant
Charleston, South Carolina
12PM ...I'll See You in 5 with a Martini Shaker and Some New Gossip About The Hills
Girl on intercom: Happy hour is now beginning in the upstairs happy room.
(intercom off, then back on)
Man: You are all a bunch of bitches.
Washington, DC
11AM Smells Like Victory Over Death
Old lady to husband as she walks out of doctor's office: Oh, I love to smell that alcohol!
Longwood Ave
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: smellslikemartinis
10AM The Zoo? What Kind Of Sick Freak Are You??
Intern #1, breaking office silence: I want to go to the zoo.
Intern #2: I hate religion.
(intern #3 chokes and spits water on herself)
Toronto, Canadia
9AM It's Never Easy to Arrange a Podiatryst
Female coworker #1, quietly: So have you had any success yet?
Female coworker #2, quietly: No, she won't let me anywhere near her feet.
Female coworker #1: Okay. I'll tell you what you've got to do. (whispers furtively)
Chili, New York
Overheard by: NewGirl
5PM Lights Your Brain Up Like a Chrismas Tree
President: Believe me, porn makes you smart.
Cary, North Carolina
Overheard by: The Body
4PM I'm Working Towards My Master's in Evacuation
Nurse: How have your bowel movements been?
Elderly man: Oh, very good, thank you! Would you like to see?
Hospital
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Molly
3PM Where Valentine Cards Come From: Explained
Coworker, walking into women's restroom while lights are on generator power: Wow, this is romantic!
Mason, Ohio
Overheard by: uh...
2PM I'm Working Up to It
Office woman to male manager with aluminum water bottle: Wow, look at you! Going green! Nice!
Manager: If a man really wants to go green, he'll kill himself and let himself be used as fertilizer.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Intern
1PM ...Well, Have You Ever Babysat Before?
Cubicle drone on phone: So not only is it wild, but it's attached itself to you?
Plains, Pennsylvania
12PM ...Whatever Your Name Is.
Girl: So I got a phone call from a guy I met at the bar last week.
Guy: Oh, yeah?
Girl: I didn't remember him and he got upset.
Guy: What excuse did you use?
Girl: I told him that I was with a lot of guys that night.
Guy: You're awesome.
Queen's Quay
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Gibber
11AM Or We'll Just Keep Passing This Chlamydia Back and Forth
Female coworker #1: You need more man-attention than I do, even!
Female coworker #2: Well, you know Paul is coming over this weekend.
Female coworker #1: Who's that?
Female coworker #3: Her booty call.
Female coworker #2: Yeah, he's cool, you should totally call him.
Female coworker #1: Ew! I am not calling your booty call.
Arcata, California
Overheard by: Jessica
10AM Last Time I Go to Pizza Hutt
Cube mate #1 to cube mate #2: What did we eat? I just crapped an Ewok!
Savannah, Georgia
9AM My Eyes Shut Off If I Exceed My Quota
Man: Is that a real rugby shirt or one of those trendy fake ones?
Woman: It's a trendy one. It's Ralph Lauren. Can't you read the r. F.I. C.?
Man: Well I didn't want to stare... I stare enough already!
Georgetown, Kentucky
4PM Tomorrow I'm Going to Experiment with Stabbing and Bludgeoning
Boss: They're all pissed off cuz I yelled at them. I don't know why I yelled at them. It just felt good.
Washington, DC
3PM Sounds Like the Best Diet Ever.
Boss: I'm jealous, I wish I had a colon infection.
Falls Church, Virginia
2PM Is This Your Way Of Breaking Up with Me?
Female: Dude, did I tell you what happened the last time we ate here together?
Male little person: No, what?
Female: Sheila* saw us and said to me "Dude, I totally saw you eating lunch with a midget. What's up with that?"
Male little person: Ummmm, okay.
Female: But I said "Oh, I know I was totally with a midget, but he has the hugest cock ever. I've totally seen it."
Male little person: Ummmm, okay. Thanks for the recommendation, I guess?
Female: She said she's going to call you.
Sacramento, California
1PM You Too, Mrs. Parks
Bus driver, over intercom, on a crowded bus about to let on more passengers: All standees please drop your backpacks to your feet and move to the back of the bus.
(no one moves)
Bus driver: This is the voice of God. Thou shalt drop your bags to your feet and move to the back of the bus.
Davis, California
Overheard by: Natalie T.
12PM Think Of Your Computer As a Chick at a Bar...
CSR, on phone with customer: I'm sorry, but that's not a confirmation code. That's the word "denied."
Bryan, Texas
Overheard by: Jax
11AM Wow, Will You Be My Strategic Incompetence Mentor?
Secretary: She asked me to file these but I'm not quite sure how she wants them.
Lazy old receptionist: Just do it wrong and she'll quit asking you to do stuff. That's what I do.
Crown Point, Indiana
Overheard by: the one that usually asks
10AM "Dear Dan Savage..."
Office peon to others: What do you do if you're conjoined twins with only one ass and the other twin keeps farting blood and you want to wear white pants?
Quebec City
Canadia
Overheard by: Frank
9AM It's the Coffee
Guy to friend: It was just like Barney... but with Cubans and machetes.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: sarswolu
5PM Like, Remember M.A.S.H.? Hilarious!
White office girl #1, about racist Miley Cyrus picture: So, yeah, I actually found that photo way more offensive than the topless one in Vogue.
White office girl #2: But it wasn't racist. It was just a joke about how funny they look.
White office girl #1: Yeah, I see your point.
Adelaide Central Market
Australia
4PM And Some Sauteed Onions
Cubicle dweller: If they can clone my dog, they can clone me a liver on the side.
Seattle, Washington
3PM In Totally Unrelated News, Will My Son Get Mental Health Coverage?
New worker: So about the health benefit... will my son gets it?
HR: Of course.
New worker: What about my ex-wife? Because for sure I don't want that fucker to get anything.
Menlo Park, California
2PM Won't That Clash With Her Hair?
Loud-talking painter, not realizing he's being heard: I don't know, Paul, I wouldn't mind spanking that redhead.
Painter friend: What color would we have to paint her office to get her to do that?
(long pause)
Loud-talking painter: Green?
Loserville, Kentucky
1PM Career Tip: Whoever Gets Your Time Sheet Owns You
Suit on cell: I went across the street to the Chinese/Thai food place for lunch, and not everything afterwards went according to plan. I've spent enough time in the bathroom this afternoon to finish reading a book. I know you weren't necessarily dying for that information, but that's the reason this took me a while to finish. I will still be billing two hours to this, though, even though it took a bit longer.
Manhattan, New York
12PM Mr. Frost Was More Of a Character Assassin
Hick #1: Oh, Frost/Nixon. I wanted to see this.
Hick #2: What's it about?
Hick #1: It's about when Nixon gets assassinated.
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: I just work here
11AM Career Tip: Never Let a Poodle Answer the Phones
Suit on phone: Hey, is the Frenchman there? Is the vet there? Who's there?
Times Square
Manhattan, New York
10AM In Many Occupations, That's an Asset
Caseworker: With all due respect sir, you are deaf. You are not disabled.
Norristown, Pennsylvania
9AM Give Me a Nice Safe Elevator Full Of Criminals
Receptionist #1: I don't like stairs.
Receptionist #2: Yeah, they're creepy.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: bob
5PM I Didn't Know What One Was, Either.
Maintenance worker, running into hotel lobby: Look at my union suit! It's a two piece! It was a one piece but I cut it in half because it was ridin' my crotch like a motherfucker!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Desk clerk
4PM And Save Some For Me
Boss who never listens: I need you to pick up the trash in the parking lot before the bank comes today.
Worker: Pork chop sandwiches!
Boss who never listens: Okay, great, let me know when you are done.
Lakewood, Washington
3PM Why Kelly Ripa's Staff Is Sick Of Her
Working bee: But I'm cute and friendly and everyone should just love me! Damn it!
University of Illinois
2PM Which Is Why It Can't Be the Other Guy I Slept With
Very white girl in business suit on cell in cafeteria: No, I haven't told him yet, I just found out for sure this morning. (pause) Well, I don't have his phone number anymore, I took it out of my phone so I wouldn't drunk dial. (pause) I don't know, I know his address, so maybe I'll just send him a card. "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm having a baby, and so are you". (pause) Hey, maybe a singing telegram to him at work. That'll go over big. (pause) He's an elementary school teacher... that would probably get him fired. (pulls out ghetto accent) And you know my baby daddy better have hisself a job!
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Currrly!
1PM Just Try Not to Make Convulsive Gulping Noises
Boss: I don't want to drink by myself.
Employee: You won't be. You'll be on a conference call.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Mark W.
12PM Your Editors Are Betting on Either "Buddy" or "Junior"
Lady on phone: Hey, it's Allison. Do you know if there is a website where you can see if someone has an outstanding warrant out for them? (pause) Can you look online and find one? (pause) You know my husband's name, right?
Florida
Overheard by: Scared In Orlando
11AM Nine Out Of Ten Dentists Recommend Me!
Shift supervisor: What are you doing?
Intense coworker: Working on my sparkle.
Shift supervisor: Your what?
Intense coworker: Once I sparkle, all the girls will want me! (turns to female coworker) C'mon, do I dazzle you?
Wellington
New Zealand
Overheard by: Still Not Dazzled
10AM The Original Premise Of Mannequin Was Much More Interesting Than the Final Product
Senior partner, leaving office: So don't worry, I'll have those figures for you tomorrow.
(elevator doors shut)
Senior partner, to assistant: But anyway, he picked up the mannequin and started biting the fingers off it.
Assistant: No! What did Jenny say?
Senior partner: She was in the bath the whole time! She didn't see a thing!
Assistant: Oh my god! Was that before she came out and found the Puerto Rican guy on the beanbag?
Senior partner: Yes! And by this time, my mother had already left, so Jenny and I just had to get everything of importance out of the lounge room and lock the doors.
Assistant: That's amazing!
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
9AM You Know the Economy's Bad When History Professors Work at Rite Aid
Woman in line: I want to go somewhere foreign this summer. How about Guam?
Cashier: Actually, Guam is part of the United States.
Woman in line: Ugh, these things change so often. We must have gotten it, like, a year ago, right?
Cashier: Actually, we've owned Guam since the 1800s. It sends a non-voting member to Congress, but they have no elector, so they don't matter for presidential elections.
Woman in line: Oh, thank god.
Rite Aid
Doylestown, Pennsylvania
5PM A Lightsaber Wears Out Fast When You Play With It All Night
30-something IT geek: Don't worry, you can always buy replacement and upgrade parts for your lightsaber!
20-something IT geek: Good! I was worried that I'd need to build a new one.
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Noxi
4PM To Get Them Into Good Habits?
Student teacher #1: I have to write a unit on the book My Side of the Mountain.
Student teacher #2: What? Why are you teaching something called "mindset of a nun" to your kids?
Ford City, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lyndsay
3PM "Synthetic" Must Be the Manufacturer, Right?
Sales rep, about receptionist's coat: What kind of fur is that? Gerbil?
Receptionist: No, I think it's some kind of fox, but it's spelled "f-a-u..."
Los Angeles, California
2PM I Can Now Imagine Nothing Else
Coworker #1: I wasn't that drunk by that point. I mean, I was sober enough to realize that they were branding each other's asses with Christmas cookie cutters.
Boss: Sure...
Coworker #1: No, legit. Sticking the cookie cutters in the fire and branding each other's asses.
Coworker #2: Can you imagine shacking up with someone with an inverted Christmas pointing right to your pooper?
Hicksville, New York
Overheard by: Traumatized
1PM By Which I Mean Her Hairline's Descending to Meet It
Proud grandmother to coworker: Look, here's the latest picture of my granddaughter! She's four now!
Coworker: She is so cute! I see she still has that unibrow thing going on. Will she have it lasered off?
Proud grandmother: Maybe. But she is growing into it.
Irvine, California
12PM That's When You Get a Job and Send the Kid to Public School
Coworker #1: I got so mad at my daughter that I threw a spoon through my refrigerator.
Coworker #2: Through it?
Coworker #1: Well, I dented it.
Coworker #2: Oh, that's no big deal. Everyone I know has done that.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM ...Unless That's the Landscaping Look You're Going for
Coworker on phone: No, you can't let Stan do that! If he uses that bulldozer in your yard it'll look like some blind guy with his head between his ass.
Columbia, New Jersey
10AM Like Giant Dildos.
Executive director, discussing clients: We can't touch them physically, but we can touch them with things.
Louisville, Kentucky
9AM Your Bunch Is Waiting for You
Receptionist, over intercom: Would anyone with a banana please come to the front desk?
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM You Trespass on My Domain at Your Own Risk
Receptionist: Steve, you have to dial 8 before you send a fax, or it won't work.
Mechanic: Even when you dial long distance?
Receptionist: Even when you dial long distance.
Mechanic: But I sent a fax yesterday without dialing 8.
Receptionist: No, you didn't. I got annoyed and put it in the shredder after you walked off and left it beeping.
Mechanic: I guess thats why he didn't get the fax...
Receptionist: Yeah, I guess thats why.
Indianapolis, Indianapolis
4PM Wasn't Clitter a Mariah Carey Movie?
Woman to group: Yeah, so she had her baby through c-section.
Surprised woman, interrupting: C-section? Why?
Woman: I don't know, maybe they glued her clitter shut.
Serious woman: Nice, Jane.
Michigan
3PM ...Larry.
Art director: If you're going to dress like a woman, act like a woman. Put the seat down.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Lindsay
2PM Now Let's Do Roll Call!
Cube dweller #1: Okay, sir, so that name is spelled m-i-c-k-e-y?
Cube dweller #2: M-o-u-s-eeeeee!
Oklahoma
Overheard by: It's a small world afterall
1PM On Command
Male employee: I heard you two talking about my project so I came.
Female boss: That's good, I like the way you come.
Bothell, Washington
12PM ...And Bring Me a Photo Of Zac Efron.
Female account manager: Kevin*, maybe you know this. I've been asking everyone and no one wants to tell me. What is a "pearl necklace?"
Kevin* (gay HR director): Oh, boy. Shut the door, please.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Juan Chung
11AM ...Oops, Wrong Job!
Typist lady, answering the phone: Hello! How are you this morning? (pause) I'm wet.
Yaphank, New York
Overheard by: Junior
10AM I'd Rather Not Spill About That Night in Cabo with the Mule
Coworker #1: The system won't let me type any letters in the credit field of my insurance quote.
Coworker #2: Have you tried confessing your darkest sins to the Lord and trying again?
Coworker #1: I'll just have the help desk do it.
Caledonia, Michigan
Overheard by: Playtah
9AM ...And for All the Googling I'll Inevitably Do Later.
Guy #1: Have you ever thought about a vagina being like an "inverted" penis?
Guy #2: No.
Guy #1, continuing anyways: That way, if you were to "hit bottom" on a girl, that would mean that your penis was technically "bigger" than hers.
Guy #2: I want to kill myself for having been involved in this conversation.
Joplin, Missouri
5PM Roger Often Regrets Majoring in Basque in College
Loud girl: Aw shit, I'ma cock-block boo. She gon' get your ass.
Quiet guy in next cubicle, to himself: I am so confused by what goes on in this office sometimes.
South Ozone Park
Queens, New York
Overheard by: Charlie
4PM The Unexamined Plant Is Not Worth Digging, Y'know
Coworker #1, looking at coworker #2's plant: Horticulture and philosophy go hand in hand.
Coworker #2: Good luck with life.
Caledonia, Michigan
Overheard by: Playtah
3PM But You Have to Promise to Only Use the Pizza for Good
Woman: Can you put green peppers and mushrooms on one half and pepperoni on the other?
Pizza Hut guy: Yes, we have the technology to do that.
Beloit, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Truly amazing
2PM But I'll Have to Dock Your Pay for That Hospital Gown
Boss: It's about time! You're finally back, you know Kristen isn't here.
Employee wearing a heart monitor: Yeah, I know she's out sick.
Boss: Do you know how she's feeling? Will she be back tomorrow?
Employee wearing a heart monitor: No, but my doctor said I'm having heart problems.
Boss: Well, you look fine and you're here, so that's not a big deal.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
1PM Especially Coins.
Coworker on phone with customer: No. We do not accept payments via fax. No, I'm sorry, you cannot fax your money to us. (pause) Ma'am, you can mail your check or money order to us, we can take check or CC over the phone, but we do not accept cash via fax.
Southington, Connecticut
12PM I Hate It When It's Their Turn to Hide
Boss to secretary: Have you seen my pants? Check behind the door.
Los Osos, California
11AM He Said the Same Thing About Vaginas
Little old Indian professor, struggling to set up lecture on Excel: I am feeling retarded. This is why I don't use those iPods and stuff...I am afraid.
Tufts University
Medford/Somerville, Massachusetts
Overheard by: microsoft excel is pretty evil
10AM The "Dog Ate My Homework" Of the Eastern World
Manager handing name tag to an employee: These are the old name tags. We ordered new ones, but the courier who was delivering them fell off the train and died.
Ramat Gan
Israel
Overheard by: ayala
9AM Miley Cyrus Is Demanding a Recount
Peon: Did you get your "whore of the year" trophy yet?
Boss: No, it hasn't arrived yet.
Meriden, Connecticut
Overheard by: Brandon
5PM What Man Wouldn't Want a Shot Of Brandy?
Coworker #1: I had to have a spinal when my child was born.
Coworker #2: I had an epidural, but I could still feel my coon.
Coworker #1: You call your stuff a coon? Do you offer your "coon" to your husband?
Coworker #2: No, I just say, "you want a shot of leg?"
Coworker #1: Gross.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: bigcutebeachgirl
4PM Along with Your Cooking Rolling Paper
Employee to coworker: You left your pot in the back of my car. (office talk stops) Er...your cooking pot.
Costa Mesa, California
3PM No Wonder He Was Voted Employee Of the Mouth
Male CSR #1: I just keep thinking about his soft lips. His big soft lips.
Female CSR & male CSR #2: (blank look)
Male CSR #1: Did he...I knew he was a complicated little man.
Portland, Oregon
2PM I'm Not Comfortable With My Heteronormative Lifestyle, Either
Office guy, as if about the weather: I'd be gay, except for the spooning.
Bentonville, Arkansas
1PM This Is My Church, and Every Sandwich Is a Sermon
Deli worker #1: You need to be thinking about what you want to do with your life.
Deli worker #2: I want to serve people meat. Is there anything wrong with that?
Shreveport, Louisiana
12PM Another Meeting Of the Judi Dench Fan Club
Coworker to receptionist: Yeah, that's her in the picture. I recognize the triple chin. I bet she's a secret dominatrix or something.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: crosberg
11AM You Never Outgrow Your Devotion to the Insane Clown Posse
Employee: Sir, the password to your account is?
Man: J-u-g-g-a-l-o.
Wife: God, that's so embarrassing.
Pleasanton, California
Overheard by: Stephen
10AM Are You Blowing Me Off?
Blonde CSC to sales rep: I'm not here to service you, I'm here to service the customers!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Cyn
9AM And Jessica Simpson
Editor #1: Every time I see a picture of a Krispy Kreme doughnut, I drool a little. Even though I don't really want one.
Editor #2: I'm that way with cocaine.
Indianapolis, Indiana
5PM So That "Pussy" Remark Earlier... ?
Woman on speakerphone: Get off my back! Now!!
Coworker on phone: Uh, excuse me??
Woman on speakerphone, flustered: Sorry...I meant my cat.
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: bluesage
4PM Much Like the Terminator
Manager: I will be gone after three.
Minion: Will you be back?
Manager: Yes, at various times throughout my career.
St. Louis, Missouri
3PM Why She's No Longer Allowed to Write Movie Reviews for the Company Newsletter
Female admin assistant to another, about cubicle relocation: I mean, I like it all just fine, but if I had a wiener I wouldn't get a boner or anything.
Houston, Texas
2PM Standing Up Straight and Looking Me Right in the Eye
Elderly lady, waving cane: Since that new President got elected, I have seen more and more black people at the grocery store.
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM It Appears That You Require Additional Tissues, or Perhaps a Spatula
Boss: (blows nose)
Annoyingly nice coworker: Are you alright? Can I help you with anything?
Boss: Are you serious? I'm blowing my nose. How do you want to help?
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: lori
12PM A Friend Of Mine Chops Up Vegetables and Puts Them in Little Baggies. True Story.
Coworker #1: You made your own bed, dude.
Coworker #2, pouting: I know! But that's what I do when I'm drunk. I make beds!
Seattle, Washington
11AM Our Sales Have Been Flaccid As Of Late
Sales guy: Are we penetrating?
Sales gal: It would be great if you could penetrate with us!
McLean, Virginia
10AM But I Can't Really Read What I Wrote on the Form
Nurse: Okay, so, she's dyin'?
Doctor: I guess.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Because I Have Been Getting a Little Unkempt Back There
Engineer to another: What'd you just say? My ass is grass? And you're the lawnmower?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: jt
5PM Gumby Was Well-Liked at the Office
Boss, during PowerPoint presentation: We have a sales guy in Houston... Great guy! He'll bend over and do anything for you.
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Michael Abraham
4PM People Respond to Modern Art in Extremely Varied Ways
District manager: That's like a yak swimming in the Atlantic!
Mission Viejo, California
Overheard by: Yak Overboard
3PM Just Lie Back and Don't Think About What's in It
Coworker #1, dropping summer sausage for lunch: Hey, you want some of my sausage?
Coworker #2: Only if you wash it off first.
Bourbonnais, Illinois
Overheard by: the closet is my office
2PM In Unrelated News, Can I Have Tomorrow Off?
Blonde coworker: But that's the problem with this country, people are lazy now, never put any thought or effort into anything. They're sloppy. Like, some guy passed a bank teller a "this is a holdup" note on the back of his damn pay stub from his job. I can't respect that kind of stupidity.
Manager: You know what? You would be a really good criminal. I mean that as a compliment.
Blonde coworker: I know, right? It's almost scary. I'd never get caught.
Chelmsford, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Not sure I want to sit by her anymore
1PM And He'd Only Hold the Bus Driver at Knifepoint Some Of the Time
Female coworker, about current object of infatuation: Oh...he is so cute, you have to see him. I just love him. I will bring in his mugshot.
Male coworker: He has a mugshot?
Female coworker: Yeah, but he only beats his girlfriends when he is on drugs. He is so sweet. He used to save me a seat on the bus when we were in school.
Mountville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Mindy
12PM He Keeps Telling Me It's What Jesus Would Do
Sales rep #1: So last night I told my husband I don't believe in anal sex.
Sales rep #2: Really? How'd that go?
Sales rep #1: Not so good.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM As Per the Terms Of Our Divorce
Office dweller on phone: You get Snoop. We get Jon Bon Jovi.
Austin, Texas
10AM Inside Her Vagina?
Employee: Bridget's out on maternity leave again? That woman is fertile!
Boss: Yeah, I know where to come if I want to have more kids.
Bellevue, Washington
9AM A Trick I Can Also Perform on Command, at Parties.
Male coworker #1: I'm having trouble concentrating today.
Male coworker #2: That's because you can't stop looking at me.
Male coworker #1: Every time I look at you, my retinas vomit into my glasses.
Ballarat
Australia
Overheard by: vMan
5PM Now Pass the Bong and Don't Talk for the Rest Of the Day
Coworker #1: Yeah, we just got some lame intern for the department, just because he is friends with the president's daughter.
Coworker #2: Huh? He really is? Isn't she like 13?
Coworker #1: Not Obama, you stoner! The president of the company.
Stonybrook University
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Kevin
4PM ...It's on the Bathroom Wall for a Reason.
Girl executive: I bank at Wells Fargo.
Guy executive: Oh, they charge a bunch of fees. You must like getting fucked in the ass.
Girl executive: Well...
Minneapolis, Minnesota
3PM Some Couples Really Shouldn't Write Their Own Vows
Woman to room full of coworkers: I'm not gonna shove a ring up there for a month!
Richmond, Virginia
2PM Uncompensated Overtime Hath Its Privileges
Irritating female VP to younger male associate: Get the Jameson...and some whipped cream.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Not again
1PM Wherever Alice Goes, Prairie Dogging Happens
Female motherly coworker who needs her back cracked: Will it hurt?
Young, hot, male coworker: It might. I usually do it from behind. I will kind of hug you while I do it quick.
Female motherly coworker: I don't know if I will like that. I don't want it to hurt me. Why don't you do it from the front?
Young, hot, male coworker: Okay, turn around.
Female motherly coworker: Ah, that's it! Right there. Oh, I needed that for such a long time...
Mountville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Wow
12PM What's Less Cute Than a Man Who Used to Be a Cute Boy?
Aspiring movie critic #1: I don't think Zac Efron will ever be able to do anything but High School Musical.
Aspiring movie critic #2: I know. He'll be like...the gym teacher in High School Musical 30.
Richmond, Virginia
11AM We're Realizing Al Gore's Dream!
CSR: Any possible combination of fetish can be googled and is on the net for free. I mean, if you want to see shit on a midget while he is playing with teddy bears...it's there!
Aliso Viejo, California
10AM And a New Flogger
Older, proper female professor #1, giggling: Well, I guess after that I should probably just invest in a new turkey baster.
Older, proper female professor #2: I should say so, my dear.
Swarthmore, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: This place is killing me...
9AM Speaking Of "Expanding at an Incredible Rate"! Ba Dum Bum!
Boss on phone: We really want to focus on your company in 2009. The alternative energy sector is expanding at an incredible rate, and I... (pause) Really? Rape?
Williamstown
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
5PM Because That's What You Said About Sucking Your Penis, to No Avail
Male coworker: Colon cleansing will fix your insomnia.
Female coworker: Really?
Jacksonville, Florida
Overheard by: never heard that before
4PM No Teeth
Woman on cell: If you're going to get a vagina, you may as well get a nice one.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: fetishgirl
3PM And I've Already Broken It Twelve Times
Woman to coworker: Did I tell you? My New Year's resolution is to always remember to wash my hands before I leave the bathroom.
Princeton, New Jersey
2PM Says the Woman Who Watches Paris Hilton's My New BFF?
Female admin: I'll be in charge of this project--it'll be my baby.
Safety trainer: Retarded?
Storrs, Connecticut
1PM Despite Your Request to Be an Affirmative Action Hire
Hiring manager, after executives commented on physical appearance of new employee: I'm saving you all from litigation by not paying attention to any of you.
Executive one: No, you're not, "ugly" is not a protected class.
Marlborough, Massachusetts
12PM ...We Fired the Psychic During Budget Cuts
Finance manager: Every time an e-mail outage occurs I'm working on something, and I have to start over. I need you to let me know an hour or so ahead of time next time the system is going to crash.
IT guy: Ummmmm...
Auburn, Indiana
Overheard by: dru
11AM But Instead, the Gerbil Was Under Your Desk.
Office supply delivery guy: Well, I was just afraid it was shoved up there and wouldn't be found.
Receptionist: (silence)
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: olamac
10AM Earl Grey Has Boundary Issues at Work
Tech guy to another, under the desk plugging cables: Sorry, dude! Didn't mean to teabag you.
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: neelia
9AM When I Dream, It's Always About My Money
Customer: Why hasn't my money been deposited into my account today?
CSR: Well sir, it's Martin Luther King Day, so the banks are closed.
Customer: Oh, yeah! I forgot about that, homie!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: dropping some eaves
5PM In Totally Unrelated News, Whatever Happened to Jen from Human Resources?
Lady accountant: I'm getting fat!
French accountant: Fat?! What are you talking about?! I could eat you and no one would notice! (awkward silence) Actually, pretend I didn't say that.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Not an Accountant
4PM And Your Eyes Are Like Baseball Diamonds
Office drone to coworker chewing Big League Chew: Your mouth smells like T-Ball.
Woodlands, Texas
3PM My Liver Was Getting Too Full Of Itself
Office manager to HR manager: Did you go to the gym yesterday?
HR manager: No.
Office manager: Why not?
HR manager: Because I went home to drink.
Langley
Canadia
2PM So I Can Only Loan It to You for an Hour or So
Pretty blonde girl: Umm, excuse me, but do you have a tampon? I'm desperate.
Obese, sassy librarian: Yeah, I have one. But it's inserted.
Monson Free Library
Monson, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Sarah
1PM When Usually We Just Talk About My Boobies
IT assisting in HR: Yeah, I just got back from CES. They had the adult entertainment convention on the floor above. [name of pornstar] walked by and I told her she looked shorter in person than on film.
Employee, laughing: I can't believe this conversation is happening in HR.
Sonora, California
Overheard by: Breezy
12PM For the Last Time, You're Supposed to Pass the Bar
Attorney: It's not so cold out.
Secretary: Is that why your nose is bright red?
Attorney: No, that's because I've been drinking.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: amused intern
11AM Could You Stop Talking About Janice Dickinson That Way?
Cubicle dweller on phone: The problem is: it's a very large pole with a very small head, and it's very ridiculous-looking.
Bristol, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: signguy
10AM We Apologize for Bothering You by Phone, But We've Already Put a Symbol in the Sky to No Avail
CSR: Hello Mrs. Batman? This is Robin calling from your hearing aid company about your recent hearing aid purchase. (pause) No, I'm not kidding. My name really is Robin and I'm calling about your hearing aid.
DeKalb, Illinois
Overheard by: Rich
9AM And Tap My Foot a Little
Irritated coworker to inventory worker: If I want your opinion, I'll jingle my zipper next time.
Tampa, Florida
5PM They Are Truly Our Unsung Heros
Woman at table with large group: We had so much fun on vacation with the kids.
Man next to her: Wouldn't it have been more fun without the kids?
Woman: What? Why, don't you like kids?
Man: Nah, not really. I've never liked kids. I don't know how pedophiles do it.
Restaurant
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: PeterG
4PM Teen Beat. Why?
Boss: Don't forget to include an STD with that mailing.
Temp: STD?
Boss: "Save The Date" card.
Temp: Oh! I thought you meant "Sexually Transmitted Disease."
Boss: What kind of magazines do you read, anyway?
Providence, Rhode Island
3PM What's Wrong With the Christian Bible: Encapsulated
Boss to underling: That's a direct quote. Not word for word, but the gist of it.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: eric
2PM But First, Could I Get a Demo?
Boss lady: Okay, does anyone have any suggestions on how to overcome this problem?
Underling: (makes an appropriate suggestion)
Boss lady: Interesting. It's possible that your square peg might just fit into my round hole. (pause) No. I'm not going to say it.
Underling: Ummm...I think I'm going to be sick.
Mississauga
Canadia
Overheard by: TCon
1PM That's What You Said About Boyfriends
Young receptionist: I keep finding cat scratches all over me!
Female accounts: Do you even have a cat?
Young receptionist: Yeah, I had to wash him.
Female accounts: Why in the hell would you wash a cat, they're self-cleaning!
Croydon Road
Australia
12PM My Baby's Practically Naked Without Polish
Visitor from another office: I gotta get my child support so I can get a pedicure.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: The Joys of Temping in Austin
11AM Well, Not with Everyone Watching.
IT guy #1: You're not going to do it the way I want you to do it.
IT guy #2: Well, show me how you want me to do it, and I'll do it.
Winter Park, Florida
Overheard by: joe
10AM Eventually He Wore Them Down to the Point Where They Hired One
Support staff: Hello, how can I help you?
Caller: Can I speak to Nora?
Support staff: I'm sorry, there is no Nora in this office.
Caller: I called yesterday too.
Support staff: Yes, I remember. There was no Nora yesterday, either.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Shamim
9AM I'm Sure I'm Not Being Paid to Do Such Things
Boss: You sent me that attachment on e-mail but I need the paper version.
Underling: So print out the attachment.
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: Really?
5PM If You People Don't Get Busy, I'm Out Of a Job
Lab worker packing specimens to send to reference lab: Wow! I don't have any gonorrhea or chlamydia today!
Kokomo, Indiana
4PM I'll See It in Nightmares for the Rest Of My Life
Woman in cubicle to peon: Did you see me do the donkey face?
Malden, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Better than a punch
3PM Did You Check the Freezer?
Man on cell: Where the hell is my box of mustaches?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: CarnivorousGnar
2PM And Bob's Plaintive Yips Will Break Your Heart
Clerk #1: Bob and Mark left on a service call.
Manager: Did you tell Mark to dump Bob off on the side of the road, like a puppy no one wants, instead of bringing him back?
Clerk #2: Hey! We're not that mean here. We like puppies.
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM ...Oh.
Cube monkey: Why do things that happen to stupid people always happen to me?
Sex Toy Company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
12PM ...So Could You Drop This in the Trash on the Way?
Sassy receptionist: You are going straight to hell with gasoline drawers!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
11AM Those Food Companies Just Don't Have the Balls to Admit It
CSR #1, about recall of peanut butter crackers: I had no idea that peanut butter could contain salmonella.
CSR #2: Yeah, well...nuts can be pretty dirty.
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: Bonny
10AM Taking the Lessons I've Learned in This Office Back to the Mothership
Pregnant woman in meeting: This is Kate, she'll be taking over for me, since I'll be leaving in March to reproduce.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Really?
9AM Plus Five Life. Minus Five Social Life.
IT guy to friend: I lost a job and a girlfriend to World of Warcraft...it was so worth it!
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Sarah M.
5PM On the Other Hand, They Can Get Away with Using Expressions Like "Omg!"
Office guy: I spent a year of my life having chocolate milk and a Butterfinger Bar for breakfast.
Office girl: Oh my god! I hate boys! Girls could never do that!
Office guy: That's because women have babies.
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Um, I'll Just Put You Down As "Undecided."
Boss: Are you homophobic?
Employee: I have an African American cousin! Of course I'm not homophobic!
Nashville, Tennessee
3PM We've Heard Cats
Boss from other room: The most expensive coffee in the world, and...
Database monkey, yelling: Is that the kind that's shat out by monkeys?
Boss: No, leopards!
Austin, Texas
2PM Would You Like to Hear a Rant About the Price Of Orange Juice?
Patron: Will the bank will be open on Friday?
Teller: Yes sir, we are open. Why shouldn't we be?
Patron: I heard it will be very cold Thursday and Friday.
Teller: No sir, we don't close the bank due to cold weather. How can I help you?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Eddie
1PM The Eternal Question
Female security to male engineer who had again forgotten ID badge: I don't know why you guys don't just put it in your pants and just leave it there!
Portland, Oregon
12PM You've Always Struck Me As More Of a Swallower
Supervisor to staff member: Leave me alone or I will spit my nastiness on you.
Mclean, Virginia
11AM Best. Slot Machine. Ever.
Web developer boss: Aww, I didn't get a dildo this time. That's sad.
Mesa, Arizona
10AM I've Already Stuck a Little Flag in Mine!
Girl to friend: We'd take a day off to celebrate our box!
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM But Your Call Is Important to Us, So Please Remain on the Swine
Man on cell: That's just the delay in copulating your pig.
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: MonCree
5PM I'm Working on Your Employee Evaluation
Loud American coworker in next cubicle: Are you a mammal?
University Research Centre
Sydney
Australia
4PM They Tend to Cut Into My Boob-Watching Time
Admin on phone with engineer: Hello, it's me. (pause) At the desk. (pause) I know, what are you wearing? (pause) Haha...okay, we need to end this conversation, because I do not need to go to a seminar.
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Something Of a Stretch for Americans
Coworker #1: I'm on this new diet.
Coworker #2: Oh yeah?
Coworker #1: Yeah, it's this diet where if you aren't hungry you don't eat.
Bloomington, Minnesota
2PM ...And Figure Out If They Need to Lose Weight.
Coworker: I just grab any woman who walks past--that's how I empower them!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I've been on the receiving end.
1PM Sometimes I Just Sit on Their Chests and Play Video Games
Student teaching CPR: They're unconscious. They won't know what's going on, so it's all good.
Leesburg, Virginia
12PM There Go My Free Hot Dogs for Life
Man on phone: Okay. (pause) Well, can I speak to your supervisor? (pause) Hello? Can I speak to your supervisor? (pause) What's your name? (pause) Nathan? Nathan who? (pause) You there? Nathan who? (pause) Okay. Well, do you have some sort of employee number? (pause) Hello? (pause) Why? Because you're a dickhead! You're a fucking idiot, mate! (hangs up, talks to employee) Well, that didn't work.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: James
11AM She Should Enter a Neck-Wringing Competition and Win Money for Food
HR supervisor on phone: He called me the other day all worried because she was running out of food. I told him: she has all those animals and she likes to wring their necks...
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Aeirlys
10AM That's What You Said About Using Your Intern As a Bench
Suit #1: Hey, did the DB team ever send you that data for your report?
Suit #2: No.
Suit #1: Can't you just make up the numbers?
Suit #2: I would, but I already made up 60% of the numbers in the report.
Suit #1: 60%?
Suit #2: Yeah, generally 40% of the numbers in a report have to be accurate. It's an accepted standard.
Cleveland, Ohio
9AM ...And a Vagina Backpack.
Lackey: I'm secure in my masculinity. I can wear balls on my head.
Memphis, Tennesee
Overheard by: Rabbit
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