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May 2009 Archives
5PM Hence the Red Sprinkles
Coworker, about truffles for office-sponsored fundraiser: Okay then, so we'll have truffles rolled in espresso, red sprinkles and peanuts...wait, did we scratch the nuts?
Rice Lake, Wisconsin
4PM Well Said! You May Attend the Meeting for Me
Male suit: Meetings are like suction cups. They stick to things and leave a lasting mark that's tough to clean off. They can be useful in some instances, though they almost always suck, and when they don't suck people try and make them suck in a different location.
Underling: You forgot to add, though, that when they aren't working right, you can always start licking to see it that helps. A little moisture always makes things more interesting.
Central Point, Oregon
Overheard by: Turbo
3PM We Heart NYC.
Radio host: Just give me hand signals--5 fingers, 5 minutes left. 4, 3, 2, 1.
New producer: Okay, but I'm using whichever finger I want for "one minute."
Varrick St
New York City, New York
2PM Sorry About the Potted Plant in the Office, by the Way.
Coworker, on voicemail: It started yesterday before I left work, but it just got worse and I spent all night on the toilet. Well, on and off the toilet, it was coming out of both ends if you know what I mean. Anyway, I'll spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say I'm going to be working from home today. I need to lie back and relieve some of this pressure in my abdomen.
Denver, Colorado
1PM Awww, Snap!
Worker at desk, startled when colleague walks by: Oh! You scared me! I thought you were a rubber band!
Bridge Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: JRH
12PM The Kit-Kat Commercial That Never Made It to TV
Guy in stall to man in next stall making straining sounds: Are you okay?
Man on toilet: Yeah. (pauses, with legs stretched out) Just taking a break.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Should not have asked
11AM Why All Gelatin Is Male.
Cubicle girl #1: Damn! No toilet paper!
Cubicle girl #2, hesistantly: No. None in here, either.
Cubicle girl #1: Argh, I'll just have to wiggle. (pause) I hate wiggling! (pause) Only boys should have to wiggle.
Girls' Toilets
England
Overheard by: Disturbed Toilet User
10AM "Deadline" Seems Even Worse, Somehow
HR head: So, when's the, uh...I guess, "drop-dead date" for your baby?
Hugely pregnant admin: Uh...what? You mean the latest date before my doctor induces?
HR head: Yeah. The drop-dead date.
Hugely pregnant admin: Wow.
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM Wait! We Didn't Even Tell You About the Smell.
Boss to peon eating lunch: So my daughter finally pooped today. It's been at least a few days.
Peon #1, trying to ignore him: Wow. Cool.
Boss: Yeah, it wasn't anything huge like the one a few days ago, but at least she's pooping.
Peon #2: That's great to hear. My poor daughter has been at home with explosive diarrhea all week.
Peon #1: (tosses barely eaten lunch in the garbage and wordlessly walks away)
Sacramento, California
5PM You're Like a Priest-- Your Advice Is No Help
Guy from server management, analyzing coworker's love life: You're like a lion cub...you don't want to bite yet.
IBM Argentina
Overheard by: Sullivan
4PM Reader Poll: What's Going on Here?
Peon #1: Isn't that just going to make the situation worse? Man, that's going to mess everything up over there!
Commander: Well, you can't just stand in the rain and yell!
Peon #2: Ha-ha! rrrghh! I hate the rain!
Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC
Overheard by: El Monsoon
3PM And Request to Be Buried with the Paper
Admin, looking up from newspaper and greeting guest: Hello, Mr Blue. Please have a seat, director Green will be right with you.
Mr Blue: You know, if you were my employee and you were reading the paper at your desk, I would fire you.
Admin: If I were your employee, I would kill myself.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Civil Servant
2PM I'm Like, "We've Got No Health Insurance-- Walk It Off!"
Receptionist to coworker: My whiney-ass husband was complaining that he slit his hand open.
Portsmouth, New Hampshire
1PM Don't Be Insulted-- I Asked My Car Dealer the Same Thing
Office lesbian: Alex and I had another fight. Want to buy a new iPod with the engraving "Happy 21st birthday Alex"?
Office grunt: Has it been polished with tears?
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Finding humor in misfortune
12PM Let's Just Say, It's No Wonder Ms. Klum Keeps Popping Out Babies
Female paralegal: Did you read that article I sent you?
Aussie male coworker: That ain't right.
Female paralegal: Indeed. But 45 minutes! That's longer than most men last.
Aussie male coworker, in long-winded explanation: Well, 45 minutes would be a while for coitus. But remember that the seal wasn't actually getting any. 45 minutes is kinda short if you include foreplay...
Female paralegal: Tsk, tsk...give the seal some credit.
Aussie male coworker: Fine. He has moderate sexual stamina.
Senior paralegal: What?!
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Just Teach Them About Nair and They'll Be Beautiful Ladies Once Again
Supervisor, discussing camps kids who are too old: They have mustaches!
Coordinator: It's not their fault they're hairy!
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: a co-ordinator who knows better
10AM After Fifty, People Start Encouraging You to Die
Clerk lady #1: Oh, thank you for bringing that up, you reminded me I have to go get my license renewed on my way home today.
Clerk lady #2: You can't just mail it in?
Clerk lady #1: Well I have to actually go in because I have to take an eye test because it's been ten years.
Clerk lady #3: Oh...you sure it's not because you're over 50?
Clerk lady #1: Fuck you.
Yaphank, New York
Overheard by: Junior
9AM It Reads His Email
Worried coworker: Don't ask me how, but I royally pissed off Steve.
Other coworker: Any idea how? Did you insult his awesome hair?
Worried coworker: I told him he should read his e-mails.
Other coworker: He'll get over it, you should complement his awesome hair.
Alexandria, Virginia
5PM Only in Church Leagues
Dodgeball learner: So, are you allowed to grab the other team's balls?
Hanover, Pennsylvania
4PM Living in Michigan's Already a Form Of Child Abuse
Crazy coworker: If my kid pooped in the closet, I'd rub his nose in it. "No! Bad!"
Sane female coworker: Your kids are going to be taken away by the state.
Sane male coworker: There's not even a question.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Playtah
3PM This Conversation Spawned the Video "What What (In Connecticut)"
Engineer, referring to disk gun: I think I'd rather take it in the ass.
(office mates burst into giggles)
Engineer: No! I mean get shot in the ass.
(more giggles)
Engineer, exasperated: That came out wrong...
Berlin Turnpike, Connecticut
2PM Like That Time in Amsterdam
Faculty director, holding out banana: Would you like a banana?
Female program coordinator: Uh, no thanks, I'm all set.
Faculty director, holding out flowers: Well, maybe you'd like these instead!
Female program coordinator: Oh! That's so nice of you! Aw, you're off my bad list.
Faculty director: Wow, and I thought I would get off with just the banana!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Allison
1PM No Grand Opening Will Succeed Without Considerable Foreplay
Project manager on phone: You're right. That is what he wants. He wants a soft opening.
Austin, Texas
12PM Though I Admit the Body Hair Is an Issue
Office admin: I'm no one's monkey! My dances are spontaneous!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: snapszen
11AM Your Editors Have Learned That This Totally Works
Older janitor to young engineer, about picking up girls: You have to trap'em like Daniel Boone style, set out some salad with ranch dressin' or somethin' like that".
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: Rick
10AM But Enough About My Relationship with My Interns...
Cube dweller: I can't discipline my children, they don't listen to me.
Boss: Nothing better than spanking a wet, naked ass.
Peabody, Massachusetts
9AM :-O
Crotchety supervisor, holding up printed copy of e-mail: You two are computer nerds. What does this mean? (points at an emoticon)
Analyst #1: It's a smiley face.
Crotchety supervisor, turning the paper sideways: Oh, I see the colon is the eyes and...what the hell is wrong with you people? (crumples up e-mail and walks away)
Analyst #2: Have a nice day!
Oakland, New Jersey
Overheard by: >:(
5PM We Mean No Disrespect to Our Muslim Readers, If We Have Any
Gay coworker #1: The new guy is cute!
Gay coworker #2: I know, huh? Cuter than John or Ryan.
Gay coworker #1: Well, I think John is still number one on my list.
Gay coworker #2: This is why I love coming to work everyday.
Gay coworker #1: Yeaahh...me too! It's like gay Mecca here!
San Francisco, California
4PM If You Think You Must
Adoptions manager to executive director: Can I talk to you while you're googling?
Gulfport, Mississippi
Overheard by: Foster Care Goddess
3PM Kinda Like How I'm Dyslexic After Four Vodka Tonics
Girl #1: I feel bad for that kid, Matt*.
Girl #2: Which one? That loud kid?
Girl #1: Well yeah, the loud kid, but he has Asperger's syndrome, so he kind of doesn't get it, you know?
Guy: I once had a roommate that thought he had Asperger's, and I was always like, "man, shut up. You just did too much coke again."
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
2PM Just Be Sure You Come to Court With Clean Hands
Attorney, exiting elevator: It's either that or hookers!
Norwalk, Connecticut
1PM I Find Him Highly Motivational-- and Shiny
Cubicle-dweller to another: If we could get Mr. T here at the office, that changes everything.
Los Angeles, California
12PM That Lyle Is a Genius!
HR rep: Oh, yeah...I was going to do that. But then I got distracted by the festive donkeys.
Brooklyn Center, Minnesota
11AM His Private Life Is Irrelevant, Counselor.
Attorney on conference call: Your honor, opposing counsel is beating a dead whore!
New Orleans, Louisiana
Overheard by: Glad she's not a dead whore
10AM Like Having Five Friends Who Think I'm Cool
Accounting coworker: Nothing gets me hotter than a pivot table with five attributes.
Washington, DC
9AM You Won't Care About Getting Laid
Intern chick #1: You know, it bothers me going into a store to buy condoms. But I am equally troubled by the idea that even when I buy them online, someone has to physically stuff them into a box with the lube I ordered, and then ship it to my address. And they're there in some warehouse, thinking "Susie's getting laid tonight!"
Intern chick #2: You should look into Xanax.
Rochester, New York
5PM Bit Of a Mess, Really
Female coworker: I can't help it--when he's around, I go all weak in the vagina.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: you should probably get that checked out...
4PM They Really Brought Him Out Of His Shell
Man #1, discussing peanut usage in Asia: Peanuts are not native to Asia! The peanut was invented by George Washington Carver!
Man #2: That is completely false! You cannot invent a peanut, you can only discover it, and that happened way before George Washington Carver...he invented peanut butter.
Man #1: Listen, I am not a man of pride, but I know this much: George Washington Carver was a good man and he invented the peanut by using cross-breeding! This is what I have been told my whole life!!
Man #3: I'm googling that business right now. (uses BlackBerry) Wow, that man was obsessed with peanuts!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Someone clearly struck a cord with this topic
3PM Tami, Is That You Again?
Office drone who brought dog to work: Oh, there you go again! Nosing into my drawers. You know there's a treat in there for you. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Yes, you are! You are! Go ahead, just push your nose way in there and find that treat. I just love it when you visit at the office with us!
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM Even If They Have Been Ditching Work and Taking Drugs
Male IT coworker to female IT coworker: You should not worry about my privates.
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lisa
1PM San Francisco Poses Unique Challenges to an IT Staff
PA: Enema on my laptop once, shame on you. Enema on my laptop twice, shame on me.
San Francisco, California
12PM He Sits Around All Day, Thinking These Up
Admin to office manager: Do you want to talk to Michelle with ABC company?
Office manager: No, just put her in my voice mail.
Admin, picking up call: Michelle, she's actually at a karate tournament right now. Can I put you in her voice mail?
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM That's Your Answer to Everything, Linda.
Male office drone: So my friend says that instead of trying to stop human nature, we should focus our innate racism at a race that doesn't exist anymore. Like the Tuscans.
Female office drone, barely paying attention: Sounds like a cracker.
Norristown, Pennsylvania
10AM For the Last Time, That's Not What Valtrex Does
Chubby, enthusiastic gay guy: I'm going to be the next Valerie Bertinelli!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
9AM Sometimes "Shhhh!" Just Isn't Enough
Obnoxious 20-something IT guy to another: Oh, look, here's another set with cats as the background, aren't they just adorable?
Middle-aged librarian lady, overhearing: Da Vinci drew those cats. (pause) And they'll rip your fucking head off.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: marion the other librarian
5PM Well, You Can Fix It, but You Can't Fix Fix It
Evil woman: So I heard this question on the radio this morning: would you rather be fat and someone think you're pregnant, or someone think you are a prostitute? That's just retarded, because you can fix pregnant...and fat. You can't fix prostitute.
St Louis, Missouri
4PM ...You're Fired.
20-something blonde: It sure is cold out here today. I heard it will be one of the coldest days in the last 30 years.
Argumentative VP: No, it doesn't seem too cold today. I can usually tell when it's very cold because my glasses fog up.
20-something blonde: Ummmmmm...you're not wearing glasses.
Argumentative VP: Oh...that's a good point.
Beachwood, Ohio
Overheard by: The Cleveland Kid
3PM Minimum Wage Buys You Minimum Service
Loudspeaker: Customer assistance in fabrics. (pause) Says she's really, really angry, so...no rush.
Wal-Mart
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by:
2PM ...As a Way Of Earning Extra Credit.
Undergraduate advisor: I'm coming around to the idea of casual sodomy.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: count me in!
1PM Well, It's Actually Only a Problem for the Baby
Repair tech: My customer just called in and told me that his trans-vaginal probe is vibrating.
Cube dweller: And that's a problem because...?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12PM I'm Told It's Hypnotic to Watch
Exec #1 to exec #2: Does it matter if there's more than one person?
Exec #2: No, I'll just jiggle them around. Let me know who and I'll start jiggling.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: officedrone
11AM Let's Just Say the Swings Go Both Ways
Intern #1: I love that street, there's all those great restaurants there.
Intern #2: I know! And there's that tranny park at the end of the block.
Intern #1: What?
Intern #2: I can't repeat what I just said.
Manhattan, New York
10AM An Office With No Gay People Is Like an Aquarium With No Fish
Resident office gay guy: I cant wait until I am pregnant.
Los Angeles, California
9AM For the Last Time, That's Not What Winning a Peabody Award Means
Senior editor to junior editor: Sure, he's a great writer. But he drinks his own pee.
Halifax
Nova Scotia
Canadia
5PM That, for Instance, Is Yesterday's Burrito
Minion #1: Do you smell that? It smells like the wicker section of Zellers around here.
Minion #2: Ah, you're right. It does smell like wicker. What is that? Who smells like wicker?
Minion #1: I love playing the "what's that smell?" game in the hallway at work.
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: I Don't Stink
4PM Hence the Old Expression "Hung Like a Texas Grandma"
Peon, to neighbor: At least I know how to spell it. I may not know how to spell totes, but I know how to spell that word.
Boss, interrupting: What do you know how to spell?
Peon: Vasectomy. V-a-s-e-c-t-o-m-y.
Boss: And in what context do you need to spell "vasectomy" in a work e-mail?
Peon: I just wanted to let you guys know what is going on with this dude, he's going to be on the phone a lot today.
Boss: Dude is getting a vasectomy?
Peon, pointing back and forth to her left and right boob: No, his grandma is.
Boss: Yeah, that's not a vasectomy.
Humble, Texas
3PM ...Minimum
Nine-year-old girl in child psychology office, talking a mile a minute: And, mom, the teacher was really upset that we didn't know how long a century is! Yeah, she was really upset cause none of us knew!
Mom: Do you know how long a century is?
Nine-year-old girl: No! I didn't know either! I don't know how long a century is!
Mom, incredulous: You don't know how long a century is?
Nine-year-old girl: No! How long is it?
Mom, without hesitation: Ten years.
Marion, Indiana
Overheard by: Which one of you is seeing the therapist again?
2PM I Don't Think That's What "Micromanagement" Means, Sir
General manager to production supervisor: You really need to come by my house after work and smell my microwave.
Dade City, Florida
Overheard by: Skip
1PM Like Lady Godiva
Peon: When she gets drunk, she gets up on her high Christian horse.
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
12PM Why Their Workplace Cancelled Shroom Happy Hour
Associate to IT guy: So, my touchscreen hasn't been working, so I hit it harder and now there's a crack in the screen.
IT guy: Your computer isn't touchscreen.
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Get me out of here
11AM Washed or Unwashed Grandma?
Intern, after eating free coffee cake: This tastes like grandma.
Sacramento, California
10AM There's No Problem You Can't Decorate Your Way Out Of
Manager: Are you going to throw out those Christmas decorations?
Employee: Yes.
Manager: No, we should give those away. Give them to them to the homeless.
Employee: But...(pause) They're homeless!
Manager: Yeah, but haven't you seen those that live under the bridge? They could decorate!
(room goes silent)
Brownsville, Texas
9AM Further Proof That Acrylic Nails Are Bad for You
Salon receptionist: How can I help you?
Girl: I would like to schedule an appointment for acrylic nails.
Salon receptionist: Okay, can I get your first and last name?
Girl: Sure, it's Lindsay... (long pause) ...I forgot the second question.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Really...?!
5PM Must I Really?
Caffeinated boss: Good morning all!
Lackey: Well, you certainly look perky today.
Caffeinated boss: Oh! You must mean my new bra!
Fairfax, Virginia
4PM Another Eternal Management Question for You, Dear Reader
IT manager: How can I be wrong when I don't know what I'm talking about?
College Campus
Huntsville, Texas
Overheard by: Knows what she's talking about
3PM But Could You Go Back to Licking the Stamps?
20-something female coworker: Since I stopped smoking I can smell better, I even taste better...hey, I bet I taste better, too.
50-something male coworker: I hope!
Indianapolis, Indiana
2PM ...Unless He Knocks Me Up, Too.
Coworker #1: He thinks he's slick, trying to be sneaky all the time.
Coworker #2: Girl, forget him! It's time to do you!
Coworker #1: I will! My time will come!
Coworker #2: I hear that!
Coworker #1: First we gotta find out if her baby is really his, then I'm through with him...
The Bronx, New York
1PM I've Only Ever Gotten the Beast's Phone Number
Reporter: Do you guys know anything about Beauty and the Beast?
Ad guy: The movie or the people?
Oak Brook, Illinois
12PM There Are Cold Packs in the Department Fridge
Advisor: You know, her lack of concern for this is really biting me in the ass now. I should have been more aware.
Female grad student: Well, we all should have paid more attention to her work.
Advisor: You know, that's a good point, because trust me: your ass is not protected from biting!
Johns Hopkins University
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
11AM Mom Was a Hellishly Bad Cook-- Don't Ask
Manager: I'd always give up something I hate for lent...like string beans, or vagina.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Sarah R
10AM Ow-- You Make Heather's Head Hurt!
Hygienist: What's the two bubbles with the line mean?
Office assistant: That's a percent symbol.
Dental Office
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: A
9AM But It Gave Me the Courage to Come Out to My Parents As Straight
Accounting guy: I dealt with it when he ran his hand down my leg and up my thigh. But I had to call it quits when he tweaked my nipple. That was a little much.
Santa Monica, California
5PM I Finally Figured Out How to Work the "Enlarge" Feature
Legal drone #1: Where's the nearest scanner?
Legal drone #2: In my pants.
Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Bitter Paralegal
4PM Because It Keeps You Moist?
Woman: My humidifier makes me feel sexy.
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: Cami
3PM Speaking Of Which, Here Are Those Cupcakes You Wanted Me to Frost
Female cube dweller #1; I just got back from the bathroom, I had to do three things.
Female cube dweller #2; Ummmm...
New York City, New York
2PM Wait, Did You Just Agree With Me?
IT coordinator, during meeting: I've worked here long enough to know that nothing I say matters.
Webmaster: Nobody listen to him, just keep pushing forward.
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: c8h10n4o2
1PM Career Tip: Nobody Wants the Details on Your Personal Hygiene
Coworker, smelling her armpit: My armpit smells great today. (pauses, smells the other armpit) Almost as good as this one.
Fort Myers, Florida
Overheard by: Greg Dunn
12PM It's an Ancient Chinese Proverb.
Coworker in break room: She said it was in college and she was drunk. I don't care how drunk you are, you don't poop on a pillow.
Rocky Hill, Connecticut
11AM C'mon, I Need My Romance Fix!
Older female coworker: So, did you and that guy you had a date with makeout?
Younger female coworker: Um...did we make out?
Older coworker: Yeah. I mean, did you hit it off? What happened with him?
Younger coworker's friend: She doesn't want to talk about it.
Older female coworker: Did he rape you?
Melbourne, Florida
10AM And I Had to Get Rid Of My Melissa Joan Hart-on
60-year-old boss, walking in late to a meeting: Sorry I'm late, guys. I got caught up watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch this morning.
Plymouth, Massachusetts
Overheard by: sabrina lover
9AM Global Warming?
Slightly chubby male worker to supervisor: My Speedo has nothing to do with this!
Revelstoke
BC
Canadia
Overheard by: Jon
5PM Raise Your Hand If You Know People Who Are Raising Their Grandchildren
Senior administrator: Speaking of birth control, how is your daughter?
Professor: Knocked up.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
4PM Dude, It's Always Saturday in Space
Newswriter to whole room: I've always wondered something. When they say the space shuttle is returning to earth on Saturday, is it also Saturday in space? Or do you think it's a different day up there?
Gainesville, Georgia
Overheard by: not sure what i'm doing here
3PM You're a Visionary, Sir
Partner: I guess just like people watch tv electronically, one day they'll figure out how to send mail electronically.
Brooklyn, New York
2PM Or Just Recruiting for the Company Softball Team Again?
Coworker #1: Did you hurt your foot?
Coworker #2: Why?
Coworker #1: Well, I thought you were limping the other day.
Coworker #2: Are you writing an unauthorized biography of me!?
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Fluffy
1PM The One Thing That Would Make Wii Better
Coworker on phone: Excuse me for a second...why did we block out the penis? Oh my god, it's a penis parade!
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Not on the parade route
12PM The Filmstrip We All Saw in Sixth Grade
Confused male call center worker: What are you doing?
Female coworker, shaking dress after hours of cutting off split ends: I've got hair on my thing and it's itchy.
Adelaide
Australia
11AM Arlene Had Difficulty Grasping the Concept Of a Skirt
Annoyed female coworker: Stupid pants! Get in my crotch!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: B. Rye
10AM And She Was Rockin' the Raccoon Eye Makeup
Male worker: She's off, her mother just died.
Female worker: Yeah, her hair looked great today.
Deli
New Jersey
Overheard by: waiting in line
9AM Follow Me to the Jackhammer Room!
Boss: We have to move out of the conference room because the student is deaf and the piano lesson in the room above is so loud.
Underling: Wait... If the student is deaf why does it matter that the piano is loud?
Boss: I can't deal with this right now.
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: i choose to not hear you
5PM Unless She Has Motion Sickness
Office drone: The best way to tell your wife you love her is to give her a sex swing.
Novi, Michigan
Overheard by: Rae
4PM Nowadays, Of Course, Dogs Make Their Own Gravy
Manager: Do you remember the cartoon where they hold the dog down and pour gravy down its throat? Great cartoon, that.
Melbourne
Australia
3PM The Propmasters on Indiana Jones Movies Are Always Kept on Their Toes
Coworker wandering lobby, on cell: Why are you going to be late this time? What do you mean the camel got loose and knocked over the "wheel of death!"
The Red Brick Hell House
Upper Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Lackey
2PM Dying Was Just One Final Way Of Leaving the Toilet Seat Up
Shop assistant: Have you got the measurements?
Old woman: My husband put them somewhere safe.
Shop assistant: He can't find them?
Old woman: He died.
(awkward silence)
Shop assistant: I'm sorry.
Old woman: He always was inconsiderate.
Fabric Shop
England
1PM Ever Been Hit by a Ten-Pound Bag Of Oranges?
Peon, during office Easter egg hunt: Kim* was running down the hallway, wearing a non-supportive bra. Now I don't want to hunt for Easter eggs anymore, I just want to die...
Mississauga
Canadia
Overheard by: Wearing supportive undergarments
12PM Well, Except for Celia in Accounting
Male boss: Are those cupcakes handmade?
Female subordinate: We don't do hand jobs here!
Washington, DC
Overheard by: This isn't Starbucks
11AM Which Explains Why I Brought the Pig on a Spit
Girl, during meeting: Meeting adjourned!
Boss: Actually, that's at the end of the meeting.
Girl: Oh, I thought it was like "aloha."
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: bryan b
10AM You Don't Vote Pro-Yolk, Do You, Sir?
Waitress #1, to customer: I've tried that before, except I don't really like runny eggs, so I usually don't get it. It's good, though. Poached eggs look too much like an abortion. (pauses) I probably shouldn't have said that...
Waitress #2, overhearing: Wait, what looks like an abortion?
Waitress #1: Poached eggs.
Waitress #2: Oh. (pause) Yeah, they do.
Café
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I wouldn't know. I've never had one.
9AM Mavis Learns That Antifreeze Is Poison
Photo assistant: Okay, put something else in my mouth and I'll tell you what it is.
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
5PM Your Contempt for the Customer Reveals Itself Without Warning
Purchaser on telephone: Yes, Singleton. "S" as in "Sam," "I" as in "India," "n" as in "Nancy," "g" as in "Gary," "l" as in "laugh," "e" as in "echo," "t" as in "Tom," "o" as in "Omar," "n" as in "Nancy." Singleton.
Administrator: Thank you, Ms. Simpleton.
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Really??
4PM ...For Reasons Which Are Entirely Between You and the Donkey
HR manager: Why does she keep calling it a guidebook? It's an employee handbook! A guidebook is for when you go to the Cayman Islands and need to find a donkey!
Norwalk, Connecticut
3PM What Heart Can Resist the Allure Of the Bedazzler?
Supervisor #1: Before this meeting gets started, let's go over what I want.
Supervisor #2: I know what she wants! She wants my pants!
Tucson, Arizona
2PM Why Crossword Puzzles Are So Difficult: Explained
Coworker on phone: You mean "s" as in "Frank"?
Morris, Illinois
1PM So the Purple Sombrero Is for Style?
Young wife to husband: You know the guy across the street, Jose*? I think he's gay.
Husband: I don't think he's gay, I think he's just Hispanic.
Belleview, Florida
Overheard by: He married into the family, I swear
12PM The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My Business Partner
CFO: So, who should we screw today?
Novi, Michigan
11AM I'll Service Him Like He's Never Been Serviced Before
Male worker #1: He's planning on buying a lot from our company. Now that's the type of customer you really want to make love to.
Male worker #2, taking off jacket: Alright, grease me up!
Freehold, New Jersey
Overheard by: Max
10AM ...and I Started Crying
Coworker #1: I pooped in my pants once. But I was in pre-k. I was lying down at naptime, and then all of a sudden, I felt it come out, and I started crying.
Coworker #2: I peed in my pants once. At work.
Broadway & Canal
New York City, New York
Overheard by: office peon
9AM You Can Always Tell the Employees Who Own Livestock
On the phone: I have had such a bad morning, I'm so glad to be at work now so I can just sit back and relax.
Omaha, Nebraska
5PM I'm a Bit Tentative About Tentacles
Photographer: If you don't know someone who will fuck you with an octopus, do you know anyone who would flog you with one?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: fetishgirl
4PM I Just Called That Guy a "Ma'am"!
CSR on phone with customer: Yes, ma'am, I should be able to put you down to service your area tomorrow. Okay, thank you. (hangs up)
CSR to office: Did I just say what I think I said?
Nashville, Tennessee
3PM To See How Many I Can Get Down Before Aspirating My Own Vomit
Chubby cube-dweller to fit cube-dweller: I'm seriously considering buying a bag of Cadbury Eggs.
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: LiquidChicken
2PM Those Pictures Left Room for Doubt
Coworker #1: Are you talking about that chimp attack?
Coworker #2: No, I was talking about my daughter's new baby.
Coworker #1: Oh...sorry, man.
California
Overheard by: Iheareverything
1PM Maybe They'll Also Resolve Whether I'm Pregnant or Just Getting Chubby
Slutty coworker #1: Yeah, I was thinking about signing up for the office blood drive.
Slutty coworker #2: Really? That's nice of you! They need a lot of blood right now.
Slutty coworker #1: Yeah, I guess. I heard they test your blood for like STDs and stuff before they use it. I haven't gotten checked in awhile,so I figure, why not?
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: wow thats classy
12PM When Bill Clinton Dreams
Employee in back room of shop: That chubby little boy who used to walk past my house every day is now a stripper!
Mount Vernon, Washington
Overheard by: HeatherC
11AM And Put It in Soup Form.
Woman ordering: Guess what I want today!
Sandwich guy: The usual?
Woman ordering, completely seriously: Yeah, except I'm going to change a few things up. Like...the bread and the stuff on it, ya know?
Cafeteria
Horsham, Pennsylvania
10AM And Does It Have Anything to Do with Cookie Monster's Eyes?
New admin asst: Where can I find this address?
Office manager: I usually just google the company name and get it from their website.
New admin asst: You what?
Office manager: I look it up on google.
New admin asst: What's google?
Santa Anita Arcadia, California
9AM "African American" Is the PC Term, Lorraine.
Plump coworker: Hey, what kind did you get?
Slender blonde coworker: I got some sort of nougat. What did you get?
Plump coworker: I got a fudgy!
Slender blonde coworker: What?
Overland Park, Kansas
Overheard by: huh?
5PM I Was Just Being Tactful Since You Voted for McCain
PC coworker: John is nice, very talented and I think he has a lot to contribute to the project... Now he's been brought in.
Honest coworker: I think he's a shit-for-brains, knob jockey.
PC coworker: ...yeah, me too.
Grenfell
Adelaide
Australia
Overheard by: PC to the end
4PM Mr. Scrooge Was Far Worse Than Dickens Portrayed Him
Boss to junior staffer: Don't go take a poop and take forever!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Jeff
3PM A Tragic Misunderstanding Results in Harry's Wrist Getting Broken
Boss to male coworker: Go and grab Jen so that we can discuss a few outstanding issues.
Male coworker: My boss told me to grab you.
Jen: What?
Kansas City, Missouri
2PM Lavagirl Never Got Over the Breakup With Sharkboy
Office worker #1, mourning: So when he went to bed, the tumor moved, causing him to die in his sleep.
Office worker #2, in sympathy: Aw, that's sad. Well, at least he died in his sleep. That's the best way to go.
Office worker #3: I want to be eaten by sharks.
Dublin, Ohio
1PM It Is Now
Office mate #1: My brother's girlfriend brought dinner over last night.
Office mate #2: Is it weird--since you guys are twins-- that your brother's girlfriend knows exactly what you look like naked?
Santa Monica, California
12PM Is This Conversation Sexual Harassment? Discuss.
Female designer #1: Did she have natural birth or were they cut out?
Female designer #2: They say that after you have the first, the rest just slide out.
Soho
New York City, New York
11AM ...Again.
Assistant: Can I go home sick?
Boss: Why?
Assistant: I ate too much gum.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: OMG
10AM I've Never Been Pregnant, Sir.
Security guard: I don't remember you ever not being pregnant.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: ZB
9AM ...Oh Wait, Now I See.
Peon looking over supervisor's shoulder at computer screen: Why'd you...name it "gay sex"?
Media Services
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: CW
5PM Once, Believing It to Be My Phone, I Answered It
Coworker, waving around a Stanley knife: I keep picking this up thinking it's a banana.
Sydney
Australia
4PM That's Our Job, Michael-- We're a Law Firm
Cubicle drone to neighbor: They don't want to be dicks. It's like they want us to be their surrogate dicks.
Redmond, Washington
3PM Unless There's a Fire, It's Best Not to Comment on Smells at Work
Cube rat #1: Oh! (inhales deeply) I love that smell! Do you smell it?
Cube rat #2: No. What smell?
Cube rat #1: Skunk! I love the smell of skunk!
Cube rat #2: It is the middle of winter...there aren't any skunks this time of year.
Cube rat #1: You know, you're right. Hmmmm, I wonder...
Cube rat #2: I just farted.
Cube rat #1: Are you kidding me? You mean I have been standing here enjoying your fart?
Cube rat #2: Um... (pause) Yeah, guess so!
Fairbanks, Alaska
2PM With My Teeth
IT dude: There's a lot of balls floating around, and I just grab the ones I can.
Seattle, Washington
1PM Now Tell Me Again About This "Desk" Concept Of Yours
Coworker: I like the chair idea, otherwise I'm afraid someone will get hurt.
Manhattan, New York
12PM Can't Trust That Day
Assistant editor, on Thursday: They want to get started on the Monday business page tonight.
Copy editor: How can you do that? What news are going to use?
Assistant editor: Well, we never use "real" news on Mondays.
Allentown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Art Department
11AM That's the Only Way It Can Be Watched, Honey
Customer service rep, randomly: Oh my god, I wanna watch Flashdance so bad!
Tulsa, Oklahoma
10AM Next Time Don't Dangle Them from Your Mouth
Black coworker #1: So I'm trying to end the conversation and rush in my house! Did you think he saw them?
Blonde coworker #2: Of course he saw them! You got the jumbo box of Magnum condoms! Miss "I'm-going-to-save-the-environment, no-I-don't need-a-bag-for-my-inappropriate-groceries!"
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: in the cube away from them!
9AM So I Taught Him How to Do Laundry
Supervisor: Today is my older son's birthday. He's 12 now.
Underling: Uh-oh. He's a tween!
Supervisor: Yeah, he's feeling himself.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: hopefully not at school
5PM No Wonder He Enjoys Licking Me
Girl employee #1: Yeah, so I went to visit my boyfriend in jail last night and they had to drug test me to make sure I wasn't smuggling anything for him or whatever, and so they swabbed my arms, and it came back positive for heroin!
Girl employee #2: Oh, weird!
Girl employee #1: I know! I don't even know what heroin looks like!
Vancouver
British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: very concerned
4PM She'll Get Your Good Side, If You Have One
Neurologist: Okay, well, Tim...the bathroom's right around the corner. Why don't you head in there and go as much as you can? Then Carol will come in and take a picture.
Shelbyville, Indiana
Overheard by: Confused at the Neurologist
3PM But My Ghost Will Definitely Be Bitching About the Price
Pharmacist: Okay, that prescription will be filled in 45 minutes.
Old man: Oh my, I'll be dead by then!
Santa Barbara, California
2PM My Sexual Orientation Toppled Like a House Of Cards
Confused coworker on phone: My day? I just found out that the lead singer of Rush isn't a girl.
Portland, Oregon
1PM Happens to Every Guy at Some Point
Lowly finance clerk to director: What'd you lose?
Director: The eyeball from my carrot.
Nunavut
Canada
Overheard by: Finance Officer #3
12PM Utah Gay Slang Baffles Outsiders
Coworker, over cubicle wall: That's where I got licked by a marmot.
Provo, Utah
11AM ...It Was Only the One.
Pregnant employee at coworker's baby shower: Oh, an anti-roll pillow! Thank you!
Male employee: What's it for?
Pregnant employee: To keep the baby from rolling onto his stomach and possibly suffocating in the crib.
Chatty woman: My two babies died from sleeping on their stomachs.
(stunned silence)
Chatty woman: Just kidding! (laughs)
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: office monkey extraordinaire
10AM It Was a Brilliant Performance Art Piece
Associate director: So I found myself on the floor, bleeding, and all I could think was, "Really? I just cut myself with spaghetti?"
Commonwealth Ave
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: cube rat
9AM Like George Michael, the Company Wants All Your Secs
VP: Hey, can you pop in here to chat yet?
Accounting asst: Give me just a sec...
VP: How about now? It's urgent, and I've been giving you secs all morning.
Passing by office manager: So much for last week's sexual harassment training...
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I could use some...
5PM I Keep Mine in a Jar in the Office Fridge
Coworker #1: I don't get paying money to play WoW. You're essentially paying for the satisfaction of clicking a button.
Coworker #2: Exactly, that's why I use that money for porn.
Coworker #1: True, at least when you're done with porn you have something to show for it.
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Rick
4PM Well, What's That Metal Thing Sticking Out Of Your Head?
Coworker #1: What are you talking about?
Coworker #2: I'm telling them how my parents almost aborted me.
Coworker #3, walking in: What are you guys talking about?
Coworker #2: It's a survival story!
Branchburg, New Jersey
3PM The "Enter" Key's Somewhere Near the Middle Of Your Keyboard, Sir
Tech on phone: Please click start, type "cmd" and press enter. (pause) It should have brought up a command prompt. (pause) Nothing yet? Hmmm. Let me remote in. (starts laughing uncontrollably) Sir, you have to type "cmd" and press the enter key. Typing "cmdandpressenter" will not work. Sorry I wasn't more clear.
Dodge St
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: northern lad
2PM Sometimes a Box Pun Quote Just Makes Our Day
Female older admin: That's not my box.
Male supervisor: Well, it was listed as yours.
Female older admin: Not my box. Not my box.
Male supervisor: Well, maybe Kate just thought it looked like yours.
Female older admin: Nope. (pause) I am still missing my box. That is not my box.
Male supervisor: Hmmm, Caroline was missing her box too, maybe this is her box. (louder) Hey Caroline, what does your box look like?
Caroline: What?
Female older admin, under breath: Not my box.
Brooklyn Center, Minnesota
Overheard by: I'm tired today.
1PM I Speak Several Sub-Saharan Languages
Boss: Can you come help me with this Excel thing? I deleted something that I needed.
Admin: Okay. Well, you should just click "undo".
Boss: What's "clickundo"?
Dayton, Oregon
Overheard by: glad to be in a different department
12PM She Thought It Was Important I Tell Everyone at the Office
Female coworker: So how's your wife?
Male coworker: Not good, actually.
Female coworker: Why, what's up?
Male coworker: Well, she's having pains...in her... Ummmm...baby area. Ummm...you know.
Brooklyn Center, Minnesota
Overheard by: adelhiede
11AM Serves You Right for Tossing Your Own Salad
Elderly worker: I just teabagged myself! (referring to actually dropping a tea bag on herself)
Pipersville, Pennsylvania
10AM In Addition to the One Labeled "Important Fire Safety Instructions"
Manager: What time is my meeting with you?
Employee: I don't know. I got your e-mail, but didn't know you were talking about, so I deleted it.
Broadway & Walker
New York City
Overheard by: office peon hates meetings
9AM The Party Game That's Taking the Children's Birthday Circuit by Storm!
Blonde coworker: Oh, I just thought of something sad! Now no-one is going to get the beaver!
Spearfish, South Dakota
Overheard by: deeegeee
5PM Connecting Across the Room Is Close Enough
Work study employee: So then this guy looks at me, and starts talking about tantra and leering at me, right?
Coworker: What in the hell is tantra?
Work study employee: (explains briefly)
Coworker: God, so it's not even kinky, it's just damn boring. Who the hell wants to connect on a deeper level? Shit.
Eastern Washington University
Cheney, Washington
4PM And Should I Be Sitting in Front Of a Computer for This?
Tech support rep: Okay, so go ahead and type in the url in the address bar.
Customer: Okay, uh, um, should I be on the internet?
Tech support rep: Yes.
Customer: Okay. Um. Okay. So uh, should I google "internet"?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: loves three way calling and the mute button
3PM Australia?
Female coworker #1: Why are you looking at my stomach?
Female coworker #2: I ain't looking at your stomach. I am looking *down there*.
Female coworker #1: What's "down there"?
New York City, New York
2PM Because Slacking Off Together Would Be Wrong
Manager, discussing female coworker who is slacking: Well, make sure you stay on top of her.
Worker: Yup, I'll be on top of her for sure!
Toronto
Ontario
1PM Well, I'm Trying Not to Get My Hopes Up...
Analyst #1: Yeah, I have a meeting with him tomorrow.
Analyst #2: Is he going to give you the golden shower?
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Well the Tutu Looks Lovely, Larry.
Manager, singing: I don't have any pants on...I still have my shoes on and my socks rolled up...I don't have any pants on.
San Diego, California
11AM Before Bible Study
Manager, training new employee: If they call and are interested in strap-on play and ask for, say, mistress Lola, tell them she's been roaming the halls with her strap-on, humping the walls.
New employee, with wide eyes: Really?
Established employee, passing by: Only on Sundays.
Grand & Ogden
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Yes, It's a BDSM Dungeon
10AM Feminists: Ah-Hah!
Coworker: So they were a nice group of girls.
Boss: Were they bright?
Coworker: Not overly. They were, umm, nice.
Boss: That's good. I like that. (both walk out the door)
Toronto
Canadia
9AM And She Adored My Appendix Handbag
Coworker #1: I had two gallstones removed years ago, and I kept them. I want to get them made into earrings for my wife.
Coworker #2: But that's creepy. What if she doesn't want to wear them?
Coworker #1: If she really loved me, she would!
Norwood Park South
Norwood, Massachusetts
5PM Singing "Big Saviors Don't Cry"
Hipster teen on phone: Oh, that was awesome! Like a combination of Fergie and Jesus!
Barnes & Noble
Greenfield, Wisconsin
Overheard by: darkhorse
4PM It's Her Secret Shame.
Receptionist #1: Where's Linda today?
Receptionist #2: She's gonna be out for a while, she's having surgery on her thyroid.
Dentist: I didn't even know she had a thyroid.
Bayside, New York
3PM Nobody's Allowed to Do That Except My Wife
Spanish boss in merger meeting: When this happens, people will want to take away our cojones. We can't let that happen! We have to have firm, hard balls! We can't let them touch our balls!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM So Now He's on Trial for Making Candy Porn
Saleswoman: There was this guy in high school that had a crush on me, and he just loved peeps. He would molest peeps all day long...
Bonner Springs, Kansas
1PM Like Making Pancakes.
20-something blonde in crowded elevator: I keep doing weird things with my butt.
New York City, New York
12PM We Could End U.S. Dependence on Foreign Oil
Black lady: You're not as crude as the rest of us.
Hick man: I can be crude if I want to.
Black lady: Naw, the rest of us...we're crude without no reason!
Hornbake Library
University of Maryland
11AM Like the "R" in "Toys Я Us"
Female office executive #1: It's just been one of those days, ya know?
Female office executive #2: Trust me, I know what you mean.
Female office executive #3: Like one of those "panties on backwards" kinda days?
Sparks, Maryland
10AM Perhaps Better Equipped, Though
Woman flipping through old textbook: In my ideal world, all Davids are naked.
Oldferry Road
Bristol, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Amy
9AM Yeah, We Saw Your Coffee Mug, Sir.
Boss #1: We should really think about selling those apartments as condos.
Boss #2: Saying "condo" to a bank right now is like saying "cunt"
(stunned silence)
Boss #1: Personally, I kind of like the word "cunt."
Meadows Road
Portland, Oregon
5PM No Request Is Too Bizarre for a New Orleans Escort Service
Advertising intern, dialing number: Hello, I was wondering if you still have the silver ferret from yesterday? Okay, thanks.
New Orleans, Louisiana
Overheard by: get me out of here
4PM Serial Killers Excel at Door-to-Door Sales
Project manager, about interviewee: He's like Ted Bundy sexy!
Ada, Michigan
Overheard by: Just a temp
3PM Be Sure to Fill Out a Freudian Slip First
Boss: What are you going to do on your lunch break?
Assistant: I think I might go outside and spread my legs.
Boss: Pardon?
Assistant: I said I think I might go outside and stretch my legs. (walks off very quickly)
North Ryde
Australia
Overheard by: Sinead
2PM Clinton's Original Testimony Was Even More Suspect
Coworker #1: Did you inhale?
Coworker #2: I never exhaled!
Branchburg, New Jersey
1PM Though Either One Could Beat Batman in a Fight
Writer to editorial assistant: Ham is more powerful than bacon, unless you eat a lot of bacon.
Hinsdale, Illinois
12PM Number Fours Are When a Baby Comes Out
Engineer: Damn, I'm tired. I was up all night with a case of the number threes.
VP: Number threes?
Engineer: You know, when you think you have to go number two, but actually you have to puke in the bathtub.
Paterson, New Jersey
11AM For Example, I'd Never Visit a Restaurant Kitchen
Designer: Once again I get dicked on the vertical.
Editor, backing away: I don't want to know anything...about anything.
Memphis, Tennessee
10AM But It's Okay-- I'm Only So-So at My Job, Too.
Pilot: We have two great flight attendants, and one that you'll find is only so-so.
Flight over Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: AL
9AM Judaism's Like the Six Flags Of Religion
Jewish company principal: Why would you want to become Jewish?
Woman employee: It'll be fun!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: The Gentile Temp
5PM The Actual San Francisco Treat
Female suit on phone in restroom stall: Sorry, I'm in the restroom. So how was the other night? (pause) Oh...I see...what do you mean you didn't do him? (pause) That guy was adorable! There's no excuse for that! (pause, then in a subdued tone) Oh, he likes men...
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Forbes
4PM What Kind Of Half-Ass Operation Are We Running Here?
Guy: I know the Isaacs lab has been using something of ours...
Girl: Yeah, they've been using our donkey!
Charleston, South Carolina
3PM Have Her Fax Us a Whole Box, Okay?
Boss to secretary: We're out of paper? Hold on, I'll call Julie and have her fax me a sheet and we can photo copy it.
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: can't say ... I'm laughing to hard
2PM Didn't Beer Make Milwaukee Famous?
Pretentious boss: Oh, we host different wine tastings all the time. Next month we're having a girlfriend tasting.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: trying hard not to snicker
1PM Why Superheros Only Change Into Their Costumes When They're Fighting Crime
Warehouse manager to engineer: Hello, Vice President tight pants! (salutes)
Aliso Viejo, California
12PM ...I Thought This Was a Date.
Guy peeing at urinal, looking over at another: So...what did ya call this meeting for?
Other guy peeing: Uhhhh...what?
Nashua, New Hampshire
11AM Rumors About the Man in the Yellow Hat Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
Manager: Yes, he's alive because he ate monkey shit.
Granby Street
Norfolk, Virginia
10AM So Are We Going Clubbing Tonight?
Account tech, on two personal calls at once: Sorry, I was distracted by my work...
Peabody Drive
Champaign, Illinois
9AM Tonight: The Hardy Boys and the Can Opener Mystery
Manager on phone with kids: You two need to work out this SpaghettiO's issue on your own. I'm in a meeting!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: CubeRat
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