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April 2009 Archives
5PM But I Take Pills for That
Interviewer: So what else can you tell about yourself?
Interviewee: I am a very hard worker and learnative.
Menlo Park, California
4PM Like the Difference Between Methodists and Baptists
IT minion, about boss: He started talking to me about Star Trek. I don't know why he thought I'd want to talk about that. I was wearing my Star Wars shirt. I mean, different universe!
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM A Friend Would Lie to Me
Receptionist: I feel like I look like I just rolled out of bed and came into work.
Dental assistant: Well...did you?
Receptionist: Well, yeah...but still!
Centennial, Colorado
2PM My Way Of Telling You to Get a Cell Phone
Receptionist, answering phone: Good afternoon, how can I help you? (pause) I'm sorry, she no longer works at this office. (hangs up phone)
Receptionist to executive secretary: It was for you.
New York City, New York
1PM To Be Fair, He Says This at the Fax Machine, Too.
Creepy employee to intern at urinal: Caught you red handed!
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Tibor
12PM You Say That Every Day.
Assistant: Did you know that dogs get breast cancer?
Supervisor: What?
Assistant: I used to work at a vet office, and they would bring in dogs with breast cancer!
Supervisor, after googling it: Yeah, I guess they do!
Assistant: Oh, really?! I made that up!
Supervisor: I'm done with you.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Digitdy
11AM We're Not Alone in the Universe, Marsha
Employee #1 on audit day: Did you notice the unnaturally large head of the male accountant?
Employee #2: Oh my god, I noticed that last year during audit!
Menasha, Wisconsin
10AM Unless Our Offices Have Bar Stools, No One Will Ever Know
Office girl: Is the company starting a cloning program? You two are exactly the same.
New girl #1: Yeah, I know...except that she had a baby, and I didn't.
New girl #2: Right, so the only way you can tell the difference between us is the size of our hoo-hoos.
Scarborough
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: C.note
9AM You Should Hear His Rendition Of "Mary Jane Had a Little Lamb"
Four-year-old child, singing: This is the way we roll a joint, roll a joint, roll a joint. This is the way we roll a joint so early in the morning!
Kindergarten
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Natalie
5PM Has She Tried Using Her Teeth?
Woman on phone with client: Yes, this is about the files you sent. My colleague has been trying since morning but could not open your zip!
New York City, New York
4PM They Poop Roses, Right?
Tech #1: I have to stop using the f-word!
Tech #2: You need something else to say. Like..."butt breath."
Tech #1: That's nasty.
Tech #3: Not if it's a baby's butt.
St. Charles, Missouri
3PM This Isn't Disney.
Producer: For god's sake, woman, don't forget your pants.
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
2PM You Just Said a Mouthful, Sister.
Coworker #1: Dammit, I wanted Tao chai.
Coworker #2: What's stopping you?
Coworker #1: I'm already tea-bagging.
W 26th St
New York City, New York
1PM The Financial Sector Is Anarchy These Days
IT drone to coworker: They're being invaded by blackberries, papayas and pygmy goats.
Coworker: Wow, that's rough. I've heard that that's a problem.
IT drone: Yeah, the goats especially.
Austin, Texas
12PM Bridesmaids' Dresses Get More Elaborate Every Year
Girl #1, looking at wedding pictures: Is that the girl that got married? (points at girl in wedding dress and veil)
Girl #2: Did you seriously just ask that?
Little Rock, Arkansas
11AM Illiterrhea
Angry office manager, looking at promotional material: It looks like someone ate alphabet soup and shat all over this document.
K Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: must have been too muct text on the page.......
10AM Thanks, Law & Order: SVU!
Guy at lunch table: Now I know how to get into little kids' mouths.
Chicago, Illinois
9AM At Least Someone Got Basted Last Night
Passing tech on cell: Dude, I know! Seriously, my ass is leaking brown juice!
Denham Springs, Louisiana
Overheard by: Erin
5PM She Sticks Pins in Me and My Doll Gets Better
Employee: You're not going to a chiropractor, are you?
Boss: No. She's a lesbian voodoo doctor. She's next to a bagel shop.
Vancouver
Canadia
4PM You Have to Be Extra Careful When You're a Cyclops
Older female coworker: Yeah, you got to just put your face right under it.
Unfortunate-looking coworker, sighing: With my luck, I'd get it in my eye!
Quincy, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TGIF
3PM WouldYou Be Satisfied with a Muffin Basket?
Tech rep to customer: I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any little balls to send out.
Allentown, Pennsylvania
2PM Since I Dedicated My Life to Change
Assistant copy editor, checking metro fares: A dollar thirty-five and fifteen minutes.
Senior copy editor, passing by: I'm going to have that written on my tombstone!
Dupont Circle
Washington, DC
1PM Tragically, Hitting the Bottle.
Lady in office: That's odd...I just got a voice mail from a baby!
Man: When did that happen?
Lady in office: 11 pm last night...what was a baby even doing up at that hour?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: MIke
12PM To Mirror the American Confusion About Other Cultures?
Coworker to graphic designer: Can we make the Tiki man more totem like?
Washington, DC
11AM In Case You Wondered Why I Just Soiled My Ergonomic Chair
Cube clown: My mother used to do weird stuff when I was growing up. Like, I still sleep with my foot outside the covers, and she used to crawl in on her hands and knees and grab my foot.
Dallas, Texas
10AM Best I Can Do Is Put Salt on Your Glasses
Coworker: Mary, what are you doing?
Mary: I want tequila!
New York City, New York
9AM So I Put Little Birkenstocks on Them in the Hope Of Sparking Some Passion
Office girl on phone: I finally found out why my hamsters aren't fucking! I have three girls!
Denham Springs, Louisiana
Overheard by: Erin
5PM Tell Her the Beds Of Nails Are Non-Negotiable
Insurance agent on phone: I don't care if she's a bleeder!
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: maybe I do!
4PM Um, WebMD Doesn't Offer That Service, Sir
Cube guy on phone: Should I e-mail you when I have another dump?
Fairfax, Virginia
3PM That Explains What Happened to the Chair Cushions in the Conference Room
Coworker #1, after big move: Hey, we've got another box empty.
Coworker #2: Great, we can use it for these mystery files until they've got somewhere to go.
Coworker #1: Really? Um, I was going to start building a fort with it.
Sheffield
England
2PM I'd Like My Sexual Harassment Suit to Be Accurate
Boss, offhandedly: I love this company. I want to have sexual relations with this company.
Confused employee: You mean...in the company building? Or...with the company?
Southern California
1PM Wally's Insane in the Mucous Membrane
Loud cube rat: It's just a booger! You want a booger?
Normal cube rate: No, but let me help you out. (pulls out a Kleenex)
Mebane, North Carolina
Overheard by: Horrified
12PM His Role Model Is Puck from The Real World: San Francisco
Super-hyper guy: If anyone ever saw what I did to my peanut butter, then they definitely wouldn't want it!
Austin, Texas
11AM I Was Already Nauseated at "Comcast"
Woman employee, opening her Comcast bill: Shit! I forgot to cancel the porn channel again!
Male coworker, disgusted: Ugh! Too much information!
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Aaron
10AM Call Me the Next Time You Can Wiggle Your Hands Free-- Love Ya!
Employee on phone: I don't know if Sue* knows about the twin sister. I know Lucy* does--the maid--because they were kidnapped together. (pause) Oh. Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye!
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Intrigued
9AM Despite What You Read in the Gay and Lesbian Section
Butch chick: I read The Lion and the Mouse when I was young! It's a story about how the lion got a thorn in his paw and the mouse helped him remove it, and they became friends.
Normal chick: What a stupid lion, why didn't he just eat the mouse?
Butch chick: It's a story of morality for children! Help someone, be friendly!
Normal chick: So?
Butch chick: You don't eat your friends!
Borders
Melbourne Central
Australia
Overheard by: Incognito
5PM Nah, I Think the Donkey's Had Enough.
Manager on phone: Is the Playboy pillow going back in?
Toronto
Canadia
4PM Try a Used Dryer Softener Sheet; I'll Look the Other Way
Office cleaning lady: Does anyone know how to clean mice balls?
Arlington, Virginia
3PM Remember When You Thought We Should Invade Australia?
Female team leader: Hey, Mark. I've been thinking...
Male team leader: Uh-oh. That's not good.
Wellington
New Zealand
Overheard by: Derf
2PM Neither Did Ronald Reagan.
Coworker: Name three adjectives that you think best describe you.
Intern prospect: Adjectives...is that like "beautiful"?
Coworker: Uh, yeah...
Intern prospect: Okay: I'm patient, organized and I'm a good communicator...but I don't know how to say that.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: seriously
1PM That's the Last Time I'll Buy a LieBook
Boss: Why can't I open this file?
Secretary: Because you did not click on the file.
Boss: I swear this computer lies to me all the time!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: telling lies to the computer
12PM I Realize It's Important to Set Stretch Goals
Female boss on phone: I have never seen one that big, I don't think I can handle one that big.
Pharmacy
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM Larry and Curly Warned Me That Moe Would Never Change...
Male manager: I just love pushing your button! (sticks finger in his mouth, makes a popping sound and then makes a stabbing motion with it)
Female supervisor: My husband does that, and it drives me bananas!
North Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: thatshowyoudoit?
10AM What a Salary Review Feels Like to Your Employees
Office drone to older coworker: I will beat you up and steal your meat, pop.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM It's Sweet That You Think You're Attractive, Bonnie
Coworker: Oh, what a cute baby! Maybe you'll have a baby that cute!
Pregnant coworker, looking at pic of cute baby on internet: I'm not counting on it.
Coworker: Ummm...why?
Pregnant coworker: Have you ever noticed how the most attractive people always have the ugliest babies? Yeah, I am not having a cute kid.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Noodle
5PM She'll Also Say This When She Gets a Pink Slip
Legal secretary: And then the phone calls started to peter out.
Paralegal: What? Peter? As in "dick"?
Legal secretary: No! "Peter out" means "to come slowly to an end."
Paralegal: Oh. (pauses) Still sounds a lot like a dick.
Greenwood, South Carolina
Overheard by: Wondering if everything has to be naughty
4PM In Unrelated News, Can We Hire Her for the Office Party?
Suit to another, about Grand Canyon: My sister went down on a donkey!
Corporate Office
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Adam
3PM Or "Cuba"?
Extremely loud cube rat: Okay, let me check on that for you. That is "c" as in "Sam"?
Troy, New York
Overheard by: Sneaker
2PM How'd You Get That Scorpion Bite, Anyway?
Photographer: Okay, but I might die if I don't get my knee sucked.
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
1PM Meet the Inventors Of Copy Lube
Copy editor #1: Looks like it's grown to eight inches.
Copy editor #2: Eight inches? Eight inches is just too long.
Copy editor #1: I know, we'll have to cut something from it.
Copy editor #2, sighing: I'd hate to do it, but I just want it to fit in there.
Boulder Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Wincing
12PM From the New Musical by David Hasselhoff...
Sick coworker, in sing-songy voice: Vodka and antibiotics ...what more could you neeeeeed?
New York City, New York
11AM Ad: Oklahoma Is OK With Multiculturalism!
Daycare center worker on phone: I mean, we've got a sombrero. We can do that Mexican thing...whatever month it's in.
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: George
10AM And You People Can Stop Averting Your Eyes
Male worker: Wow, it's cold! Another front is supposed to be moving through later this week, too.
Female office worker #1: It's not so bad, as long as I have a jacket on.
Female office worker #2: Yeah! Now I get to wear pants!
Carillon Center
St. Petersburg, Florida
9AM I Told Her She'd Fit in Great Here at Procter & Gamble
Dejected-looking job interviewer: My prospective employee just interrupted this interview to go call her bookie.
Menands, New York
Overheard by: I hope she won
5PM Oh Yeah, It's All in Revelations
Guy to friend: So they had to call Terminex and Ghostbusters at the same time?
Fairfax, Virginia
4PM Just Put That Stinger Away, Eustace
Male coworker #1: Now I feel like pollinating something!
Male coworker #2, bending over to get something out of file cabinet: I'm really glad my butt is pointed over this way.
Fort St. John
BC
Canadia
Overheard by: glad she brought that bee pollen to work
3PM Which Makes Them Ughs
Boss: Are we not paying you enough, that you have to come in wearing those shoes?
Cute female receptionist: What's wrong with my shoes?
Boss: They're covered in scuff marks.
Cute female receptionist: Stop being so superficial! And they're not scuff marks, it's pigeon crap.
Madison Ave
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Dasma
2PM I Need a Birthday Gift for Rebecca in Accounting
Photographer: You wouldn't by chance have a suction cup with a pin on it, would you?
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
1PM What If She's Tired Of Dealing with Heels All Day?
Receptionist on phone: That's what I'm sayin'. A hooker wouldn't be in flats.
Five Points Station
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Wearing Sneakers
12PM The Payroll Office Prefers Smoke Signals
Cube dweller to boss: It showed up. I knew if I didn't respond to the e-mail, his paycheck would show up.
Broomfield, Colorado
11AM Back When We Lived in the Real America
Office manager: Back in my day, we used to go trick-or-treating with shot glasses.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
10AM HR's Job Is to Give It to Somebody
Obnoxious HR employee: I'm going to pick this up because it looks like poop.
Eugene, Oregon
9AM And I Have Him Fill in for Me When I'm Hungover, Anyway.
Interviewer: So, can you drive a multi-position snowplow?
Interviewee: No. But my cousin can.
Department of Transportation
Denver, Colorado
5PM The New Wal-Mart Ad Campaign Is Less Than Flattering
Cashier to another: Most of our customers are dumber than dirt, and they've got guns.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Locked & Loaded
4PM Last Time I Took One, I Totally Forgot Which Color Socks Go with These Shoes
Female coworker to male coworker: No, I don't want one of your lousy man pills!
Seattle, Washington
3PM Republicans Have Been Making This Argument About Schizophrenics for Years
Cube dweller to another, shouting after argument: Just because you're mad it doesn't give you the right to be indigent.
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: vamp slayer
2PM Now My Burger Liaison's Threatening to Pull Out Of My Barbeque Entirely!
Stylist: I am having bun issues. I called my bun guy and he said I didn't give him enough notice.
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
1PM Wouldn't You Also Need a Harness?
Older office lady to another: Oh, that's right, because they couldn't get the shaft to fit my hole...but if you got me the right cable, and put a little tension on it...yeah, I could probably do it upright.
Marquette Ave
Minneapolis, Minnesota
12PM Viagra Commercials Get Downright Magical Around the Holidays
Coworker on phone: That would be the best present you've ever given me...an erection!
Chicago, Illinois
11AM But, Thanks to Her, We've Got All Our Problems Licked
Manager talking to department: I just really want to thank Katie* for helping out last month. She really jungled a lot of balls...and some of them were pretty hairy.
Richmond, Virginia
10AM ...As Long As It Doesn't Involve Opening the Trunk Of My Car.
Client: May I speak with Elizabeth?
Distracted receptionist: I'm sorry...she's no longer with us...but...not dead. Is there something I can help you with?
Ad Agency
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Rest in Peace...
9AM Republicans Are Already Drawing Harsh Comparisons to Tinky Winky
VP to manager: I mean, Barack Obama...he's much more purple than even black.
Franklin, Tennessee
Overheard by: Morgan
5PM Did It Motivate You to Wash Your Hair More Often?
IT guy: Oh my god, I had such a terrible dream last night.
Receptionist: Yeah? What happened?
IT guy: I had a penis growing out of the back of my head.
Receptionist: Oh, um... Oh, wow!
IT guy: I know, right? And the worst part is I had to wear hoodies!
Woodinville, Washington
Overheard by: How is that the worst part?!
4PM And Waking Up With a Mouth Full Of Glue
Blonde worker: Should I lick it?
Male coworker: Excuse me?
Blonde worker: The envelopes, should I lick them?
Male coworker: We have sealing stickers...
Blonde worker: I like licking!
Kent, Ohio
3PM Which Has Many Of the Same Symptoms As MySpace Rage, But with Fewer Pop-Ups.
Accounting girl: I'm so mad I have Facebook rage!
Aliso Viejo, California
2PM Why Bill's Lovers Find Him Tedious in Bed
Boss on phone, eating cashews: Excuse me, I had a handful of nuts in my hand and put them in my mouth.
Lady on the other end: That's okay.
Boss, with mouth full of cashews: No, it's not, I apologize pitifully.
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: He wasn't sorry
1PM Plus the Golf Pencils Were on Sale!
Coworker to another: You can do amazing things with 2 1/2 inches.
Kamiah, Idaho
12PM So He Ended Up Giving Me the Speeding Ticket
Office girl to another: He wanted me to dance like Ellen DeGeneres, which I just wasn't feeling.
Third Ave
New York City, New York
11AM Like, Remember How We Hooked Up at the Last Christmas Party?
Male worker #1, talking about the future: We probably will all be huge fat blobs staring into our computer screens, like in Wall-E.
Female worker: I doubt it. I bet they'll have a drug that makes everybody really attractive.
Male worker #2: They already do! It's called "alcohol."
Portland, Oregon
10AM We're Kind Of Over It.
Male worker #1, holding letter: Where should I put this?
Male worker #2: Let's just stick it in Phyllis's box.
Male worker #2: I like the sound of that!
Northampton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: She's elderly!
9AM If You Don't Know, He's Not Doing It Right.
Boss, yelling at employee during conference call: I need to know if this guy is jerking me off or not!
18th St.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Cill the Obscure
5PM Ma'am, I Was Talking About a Commemorative Plaque
Woman to on cell: Hi, this is Susan Smith*. I was successful using a toothbrush so I don't need your help. Thanks for offering. Bye.
Glenview, Illinois
Overheard by: Jess
4PM Tell Me You Can't Feel That, Geoffrey!
Retail lackey: I am fucking the shit out of this giraffe right now!
Folsom, California
3PM And That Stripper!
Employee, looking at coworker's photos: I don't think this is appropriate for the workplace. (pause) Wait! Go back, go back...I think I have that same cap gun!
Canberra
Australia
2PM We Don't See Arrests in Most Product Liability Cases
Office attorney: What are you guys talking about?
Admin assistant: Roachy cop porn. I mean, roachy popcorn.
Fairfield, Ohio
1PM Have You Tried Fiber?
Receptionist to air conditioner repair man: My fanny thing leaks!
Cube dwellers, listening: What?
Receptionist: It drips on my desk.
New Zealand
Overheard by: YOUR WHAT!!!
12PM For the Last Time, Amber, a Stripper with a Stethoscope Isn't a Nurse
Ghetto chick: Yo, everyone on somethin. I work with a nurse and she on crack--but she a damn good nurse!
Wabash Ave
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Game, Set, Match.
50-something American manager: So you're going to Disney World on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and coming back Sunday? Have you see our airports when they're busy?
20-something Indian consultant: Have you seen our trains, anytime?
Wayne, New Jersey
10AM New York Times Crosswords Are More Opinionated Than Ever Before
Cube dweller: Is Massachusetts the only state in this country that doesn't suck?
6th Ave
New York City, New York
9AM I've Taken to Mailing Sperm to Strangers
Engineer #1: How's the baby?
Engineer #2: Great!
Engineer #1: I'm thinking of having one soon!
Engineer #2: Really? You're married?
Engineer #1: No, working on it.
Engineer #2: Oh, wow! You got engaged...congratulations!
Engineer #1: No, not yet.
Engineer #2: Do you even have a girlfriend?
Engineer #1: Working on it. It's hard to recruit women to come here...
New York
Overheard by: How?
5PM At Telekinetic Typing School
Woman to friend: I can do it now without using my finger...I'm getting better!
Austin, Texas
4PM Like The Quicken Dance?
Coworker #1: Where were you all day?
Coworker #2: Oh, I had to take an Excel class today.
Coworker #1: Oh, do you do any other types of dance?
Reading, Pennsylvania
3PM You Get My Thrust?
CEO at all-employee meeting: We want this company to get to the top. Because I don't know about you, but I have fun when I'm on top. (employees roar with laughter)
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Just wanted the stock quote
2PM Which Totally Explains the Mona Lisa's Smile
Office lady: That woman's smoking crack. She's smoking crack and watching Elvis Blue Hawaii videos.
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM It's Almost Like They Have No Compassion, Y'know?
Clerk #1: They said there was problems on the 4 and 5--what does that have to do with the 3? Where did the 3 go?
Clerk #2: They said someone threw themselves on the tracks.
Clerk #3: Did what?
Clerk #2: Threw themselves in front of the train--someone wanted to commit hara-kiri.
Clerk #3: Why they got to do that at this time of day? Why does everyone want to kill themselves during rush hour, but nobody wants to do it in the middle of the night, so we can all get to work?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Innocent Bystander
12PM For Our Readers Who Are Thinking About Quitting College
Woman in line at Starbucks, on cell: They stripped me, in the office, to my bra and underwear! (phone beeps) Just a minute. (switches to waiting call) Yeah? Yeah, I can get you an oatmeal.
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jade Buddha
11AM Yeah, We've Read Your Declaration on the Bathroom Wall
Company VP to entire lobby, after struggling to open the front door: Well, I've never used it before. I'm a back door kinda guy!
Kansas City, Missouri
10AM ...No, You're Not Too Cool for Stool
Coworker on phone: Aw, did he poop? (pause) Twice? Nice! (pause) Yeah, no, if it's loose you can't pick it up. (pause) Uh-huh. That's good.
7th Ave
New York City
Overheard by: Had to hold in his own.
9AM You Really Need to Eat Breakfast, Dude
Analyst #1: I have a whole case of water in my car.
Analyst #2: Hoe cakes?
Sugar Land, Texas
Overheard by: Say What?
5PM ...Four Times in One Day.
Secretary: Have you seen that movie The Happening?
Boss: Is that with Marky Mark?
Secretary: I think so, that's Mark Wahlberg right?
Boss: Yeah, can you feel the vibrations?
Secretary: I don't think you're allowed to ask me that.
Las Cruces, New Mexico
4PM Or Worse
Secretary: Now the plant's by me, I can make sure none of you are over-watering it!
Random office peon: Or urinating in it when no-one's looking.
Wellington
New Zealand
Overheard by: pretty sure that happened
3PM And My PayPal Account Is Empty
Office guy, yelling to another office: Hey, whatcha doin' in there?
Naïve girl: Putting my computer together.
Office guy: Are you on the floor?
Naïve girl: Yeah, why?
Office guy: On your knees? (starts laughing)
High Point, North Carolina
2PM And I'm Running Out Of Similes
Coworker: Man, I've been using vacation time like a wounded duck.
Titusvile, Florida
Overheard by: Hoss
1PM If Only Human Beings Spoke HTML
IT techie working on networking junk: Uh-oh. I ain't communicatin' good.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: I noticed...
12PM Some Undercover DEA Agents Aren't Very Subtle
Employee to another, arranging pretzels on display: You know, you're supposed to hang these straight, but if you hang them crooked they are more tantalizing....tantalizing like crack.
Birmingham, Alabama
11AM Every Kindergarten Teacher Has Her Breaking Point
Girl to friend: We should just spray them all with meat and unleash ravenous carnivores.
Reno, Nevada
10AM And Refrain from Entering My Office for at Least Half an Hour
Boss: Whats wrong?
Red-faced receptionist: I just picked up a call and you could hear people having sex on the other line! I'm afraid to answer the phone now...
Boss: From now on, put those calls through to me.
Edmonton
Canadia
9AM Have You Tried Telling It How Beautiful It Is?
Automotive claims adjuster: I don't know if I should pay to lube this thing, or if I should just shove the sucker in and hope it does its thing.
Addison, Texas
5PM And Then to the Cleaners
Boss: When you have kids, are you gonna take them to court?
Employee: What?
Boss: I mean, church?
Los Angeles, California
4PM Thanks, John
Elderly customer to account rep/receptionist: You are my favorite call girl.
Bourbonnais, Illinois
3PM Where Hot Dogs Come From.
Manager, shaking leg after a slapping fart: Oh, that had a little meat to it...
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Spell Check Forces You to Be Humble
Social worker: Crap! I spelled "I am" wrong!
Chicago, Illinois
1PM All I Can Do Is Provide the Equipment to Capture It on Video
Receptionist on phone: If you want a three-way you're going to have to call them. I can't do that here.
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Mind bleach, please
12PM How Some Frat Houses Avoid the Long Arm Of the Law
Security guard to another: Who cares if a girl gets raped there...they have an aquarium!
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Didn't Mean to Imply I'd Be a Top.
Banker #1, sniffing air as banker #2 enters office: Damn, Jon*, what cologne are you wearing?
Banker #2: Calvin Klein.
Banker #1: That smells really good. Damn, if I was gay, I'd be all over you.
Banker #2: (puzzled silence)
Banker #1: Um, yeah, let's forget I said that.
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
10AM We Get a Lot Of Mam-Spam
CSR on phone: I'll have to look at the e-mail again, I think it had something to do with breasts...
Passerby: When doesn't it?
Norwood, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I thought so...
9AM Just a Little Trick I Learned from Dennis Rodman
Female shouting over cube wall: I like to lick the balls before I get rid of them!
Edmonton
Canadia
Overheard by: Hrew
5PM You're Gonna Love Unix
Specialist to data entry rep: Reboot your system and then send in a testicle service request.
Central, Illinois
Overheard by: Mrs. D
4PM New York, Arkansas, Uganda, Solid, Liquid, Gas...
Salesperson: You need to get the tri-band phone so you'll have service in all 63 states wherever you go.
Hargray Wireless
Ridgeland, Mississippi
3PM Do You Know Something I Don't?
Associate: It's my birthday today!
Receptionist: Oh, it's my little sister's birthday too, she's turning one.
Associate: Oh, that's cute. Is she your mum's first child?
Sydney
Australia
2PM Damnit-- It Was a Carriage Seat Five Minutes Ago
Security guard in lobby: Ma'am, you need to take the baby out of the pumpkin seat before you put the pumpkin seat through the x-ray machine.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Girl Friday
1PM Didn't Isaiah Washington Have This Conversation with ABC a While Back?
Staying coworker: Now that you're leaving, we're going to have to work twice as hard.
Leaving worker: I know, you have to take advantage of the opportunity. Just like I'm going to start being a dick to everyone.
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: DIV
12PM That's Not What This Trip to the Planetarium Is Supposed to Be About
Suit on cell: I don't want you shooting blanks in the dark...
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Traci C
11AM Change Sucks.
Trainer: So, we used to be called the self-help department, but now it's the self-services department. Before, we helped customers to help themselves. I guess now we help customers to um, service themselves.
Austin, Texas
10AM Besides, Can You Think Of a Better Way to Say "I'm Republican"?
Boyfriend to girlfriend: I can't get an elephant tattooed on my ass, elephants are really big.
Girlfriend: People have solar systems tattooed on them, and those things are fucking huge.
Mahwah, New Jersey
9AM Tonight's Movie: Decent Proposal
Convention-goer in hallway: Want to come in? There! I just propositioned you!
Cleveland, Ohio
5PM The Unbearable Lightness Of Ben
White guy #1: I got fired because I am a white male!
White guy #2: I might be going out on a limb here, but could the fact that you got drunk and threw a Japanese lantern into the front door of the hotel have anything to do with it?
White guy #1: No...it's because I am white!
Irving, Texas
4PM Spencer's Is Not for the Faint Of Heart
Middle aged woman going to sorority reunion: Isn't Spencer's like a five and dime store?
Friend: No! It's a nasty, nasty, dirty store. I can hardly stand to go in there.
Middle aged woman: Well, what did you go there for?
Friend: I had to get a blow-up doll. They didn't have any.
Airport
Birmingham, Alabama
3PM Gosh, I Love Uncle Sam.
Woman to coworker: And I was like, "Whatever, you don't pay my bills!" (pause) Well, actually, he pays all of my bills.
Buffalo, New York
2PM Mr. Cheney Really Should Give Up Hunting
Employee answering phone: Thank you for calling... (gets squirted with silly string) Aahh!
Customer: What?
Employee: I'm sorry, I just got shot in the face with something.
Scotts Valley, California
Overheard by: Mari
1PM It's Easy to Spot Your Co-Workers Who Were Popular in High School
Cube dweller: Where are my pretzels? I just feel like putting stuff in my mouth.
Scotts Valley, California
Overheard by: Mari
12PM Thank Goodness for AutoFit
Female coworker, amazed at spreadsheet: Wow, that's big!
Male coworker, matter-of-factly, with a sly smile: No, it's not that big. I've had bigger.
Minnetonka, Minnesota
Overheard by: I don't wanna know.
11AM Have You Tried Looking Behind Your Monitor?
Employee: On this new printer I just installed, we can print double sided.
Crazy-haired boss lady: I don't think I can.
Employee: No, we all can now.
Crazy-haired boss lady: Well, are things double sided on your screen? I don't have anything that is double sided on my screen, so I can't print double sided.
Merrillville, Indiana
Overheard by: CJ
10AM I Suddenly Regret Never Going to Your Bridge Parties
Woman to man in front of soda machine: Really? You don't seem like a guy who is into DP.
Man: Yeah, that and coke.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: I sit way too close to the kitchen.
9AM Many Women Learn This Too Late in Life
Coworker trying to do flexibility exercise: I can touch myself!
Broadway & Canal
New York City, New York
Overheard by: office peon is flexible
5PM ...Between the Sheets.
Temp attorney: That wasn't the first time I've had roadkill.
Richmond, Virginia
4PM We?
Producer: So Jen, when should we plan for orgasm?
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Man Among Women
3PM That and the Tragic Banana Allergy
Coworker #1 to coworker #2, wearing a cast: What did you do to your hand?
Coworker #2: I broke my thumb.
Coworker #1: You need your thumb. That's what makes you not a monkey!
Titusville, Florida
Overheard by: Hoss
2PM We Find It's Best to Take Separate Vacations
Male coworker: My lips are still recovering from Vegas.
San Diego, California
1PM It'll Feel Like Thanksgiving at My House.
Subscriptions coordinator: We are hundreds of renewal letters behind--how am I supposed to send all of these out?
Zealous, oblivious manager: We'll get the whole department to help stuff envelopes. We can all be bent over a barrel at a stuffing orgy together! It will be an orgy of stuffing!
East Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Louise
12PM And It Takes a Real Man to Put That on Before a Duel
Tech on intercom: Who stole Frank's sword?
Coworker down the hall: Frank's sword is covered in latex!
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Vinana
11AM But Could You Stop Pressing the Dell Symbol to Turn on the Computer
Employee: Hey! I'm not stupid!
Supervisor: If you say so.
Syosset, New York
10AM Maybe We Should Just S&P Together
Female no-nonsense suit: No kidding, Henry. I was just about to sleep with that Indian guy, and the Dow is down 400!
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
9AM During Product Testing at Fisher-Price
Employee: I have a problem.
Boss: Did they put a cork up your ass?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Kelly
5PM If They Want to Find Syphilis, They Should Inquire with Betty in Accounting
Manager: Well if they don't fill out the forms right, they don't get their shit. I have no sympathy for them...and you know what I say? If they want to find sympathy, they can look in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis."
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Katie M
4PM We Like to Refer to Them As Safety Deposit Squares
Cube rat on phone: Do you have safety deposit boxes? (pause) And how big is your biggest one? (pause) 10 by 10? How deep are those? (pause) But...what's the third dimension? (pause) There is none? Um, okay, thanks anyway. Bye.
Washington, DC
3PM Want One?
Peon #1: Stop making faces behind my back!
Peon #2: I am making them in front of you!
New York City, New York
2PM From Now On, Call Me Nat King Coleslaw
Tired CEO, coming out of his office: Ugh. I feel like a big, huge...stuffed cabbage.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Lowly analyst girl
1PM Now I'm Like, "Next...?"
Loud cubicle neighbor: And that's why both my ex-husbands are dead!
Fayetteville, Arkansas
12PM Like God Does with Babies.
Cube chick #1: I thought you put that up so everyone could see.
Cube chick #2: Nope. This is just for me. (deep sigh) I don't know why they made her bald.
Cube chick #1: I think they're trying to make her look 3-d.
Carol Stream, Illinois
Overheard by: eh what?
11AM Tonight's Movie: To Sir, With Love
CEO: That would basically put me in the position of a shitting duck.
Calgary
Canadia
10AM Teamwork and All That
Office girl: My computer just crashed.
Coworker: You can use mine.
Office girl: Thanks.
Coworker: No, you better not touch it. You might break it. (laughs, then pauses) On the other hand, I'd like you to touch it. Touch it as much as you want.
High Point, North Carolina
9AM And More Besides
Doctor to inmate: So what are they accusing you of this time?
Inmate: Oh, they're not accusing me, I did it.
County Jail Medical Office
Evansville, Indiana
Overheard by: Molly
5PM Is That a Cheese Log, or Are You Happy to See Me?
Manager: I really do smell hickory smoked!
Denver, Colorado
4PM ...You're Fired.
Boss: He's really similar to my step dad--he had dark hair, and a long corso.
Girl: I'm sorry, a long *what*?
Boss, slowly: A long...corso?
Girl: Torso. Corset.
Boss: Hmm.
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Smarter than her boss (obviously)
3PM Too Bad No Amount Of Concealer Will Cover Your Flame Trail
Copywriter, after noticing web designer refreshing makeup: Wow. Look at you. Got a hot date?
Web designer: No. I'm meeting people. And I've never met them in person before.
Snarky PR specialist: And you don't want them to know right away that you're a horrible person?
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Looks like Diva
2PM Wrapping Myself in the Flag Keeps Me Plenty Warm
Office guy on the phone: Nice. So you sleep in the nude. Not bad for a Republican.
Government Office
Washington, DC
1PM Her Career Is Roanoked
Coworker on phone: Didn't you hear? The pole broke and the stripper hurt herself!
Sterling, Virginia
Overheard by: Receptionist
12PM How Do You Feel About Carrier Pigeons?
Cube dweller: So I came in today, and my phone is blank, and my computer is disconnected from the network. And there's nobody over in it to help me.
Boss: Call the help desk.
Cube dweller: With what? My phone? It's broken.
Boss: So e-mail it!
San Carlos, California
Overheard by: The Punvert
11AM My Energy Secret
President: Hello! What are you doing today?
Director, eating canister of Planter's Peanuts: I'm eating my nuts!
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM ...I'm Told.
Office peon: How the hell do you not know what Knight Rider is? I can't stand chicks like that. They're only good for one thing, and even that isn't that good.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I know what Knight Rider is
9AM Let's Just Skip Ahead to the Part Where You Give Me the Chalice with Iocane Powder
Administrative assistant to receptionist: I think you think I'm thinking of something other than what I'm thinking of...not what you're thinking of.
Duluth, Georgia
Overheard by: Huh?
5PM Your Editors Are Split on This Issue
Female office worker: It's never too early to get a speculum up your cooch.
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Just Look at the Sopranos
Imaging person: The family that gambles together, stays together!
Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: dakabn
3PM Or Are We Making Coffee?
Company prom queen on regional conference call: Are we prospecting for donors who are interested in maternal morbidity?
International Nonprofit
Washington, DC
Overheard by: No, butter is not a carb.
2PM ...with Jane.
Gary: Hey Dave, do I need to be more of a dick or less of a dick?
Dave: Nah, the dick quotient is fine, we just need to coordinate ahead of time.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: thenewguy
1PM As I'll Tell People in Our Wedding Toast
Office worker on phone: She squeezed my ass this time but I did get a kiss...when you've got 250 pounds of Wisconsin looming at ya, your options are limited, all you can do is brace for the impact!
Sterling, Virginia
Overheard by: Scandalized Receptionist
12PM Unfortunately, St. Peter Is a Great Bouncer
Sassy employee: Just give me my fucking heaven ticket, bitch! I just want to go to heaven.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: She's not a hater, just a discriminator
11AM I Love You All!
Coworker standing on table: I feel like I'm dead and I'm watching over you.
Orlando, Florida
10AM ...With Pony Rides
Coworker: I can't believe he only gave us a 20,000$ spending limit.
Boss: Why?
Coworker: Because my daughter's first birthday was more than that! How am I going to find a place for twenty people that cheap?
Oak Brook, Illinois
9AM Marriage: a Simulation.
Branch manager: I really wish we had a color printer up here!
Personal banker: Well, you know what? We don't! So why don't you take out the trash!
Conway, Arkansas
Overheard by: Brynn
5PM Then Why Do You Keep Pressing the Dell Symbol?
General manager: I don't know how you use this thing, with all the damn buttons everywhere.
Reporter: Well, that's the first thing I learned in typing class...where the keys are.
Waynesville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Just an editor
4PM Hard Finding a Prostitute in Baltimore, Huh?
Grad student: So I think that the manuscript should be organized differently...
(advisor's phone rings, he has a quick conversation in Arabic)
Advisor: Goddammit, sorry. I hate when my damn Arab relatives call, they always want me to set them up with prostitutes for their trips to the United States.
Grad student: Uh...
Advisor: Anyway, where is figure 3 going in your paper now?
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
3PM Why Grumpy's My Favorite Of the Care Bears
Coworker before meeting: Okay, let me go grab some paper and pen and pretend to care.
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Overheard by: AA
2PM Nice! I'm a Pisces.
Latino guy to new coworker girl: Nice to meet you. What do you do?
New coworker girl: I'm an art director. What are you?
Latino guy: I'm Latino.
Advertising Industry Party
New York City, New York
1PM The One Made Of Gingerbread?
Supervisor, hanging up phone with crazy caller: She said Nancy Pelosi told her she could call in.
Secretary: Who's that?
Supervisor, stunned: The Speaker of the House?
Secretary: What house?
Supervisor: The one of ill-repute down on Marshall Street.
County Courthouse
Norristownm, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
12PM It's the Wrong Season for Pineapple
Loopy accounting manager: Now that I've flipped my calendar, I need to reconsider my cottage cheese...
California
11AM He Spun Me Right Round, Baby
Client services department on Monday morning: Now that carny was hot!
Bloomfield, Connecticut
10AM That's the Last Time I'll Rent Out My House for a Frat Party
Distinguished foreign lecturer: We're not sure what these people were doing here or how long they stayed, but they made a lot of fire and left a lot of human remains.
NYU
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Claire H.
9AM But It's Not Friday Yet.
Waiter: There's a fly buzzing around. I kept him off your food.
Manager: Ah, it doesn't matter. Nobody ever died from that.
Waiter: Nobody ever died from licking my balls, either. You want to come over here and do that?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM What's Known As Divine Intervention.
Customer care rep on phone: Okay, sir, we'll talk occasionally. (pause) Well, yes. (pause) Okay, sir, I have to go. (pause) I believe in Jesus! I believe in Jesus! (pause) Sir, my other line is ringing. I have to go.
Milpitas, California
Overheard by: Alisha
4PM Pop Quiz: What's Going on in This Quote?
Cube monkey #1: You?re heading home already?
Haggard telecommuter that came into the office: Yup!
Cube monkey #1: Okay...um...drive safe!
Cube monkey #2: Don't whip the gerbil too hard!
Cube monkey #3: What? I thought he said he was going home?
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Boter
3PM With My Dreds
Admin: You need a haircut.
Service guy: I need to go club some baby seals.
Irvine, California
Overheard by: i just answer the phone...
2PM Yoda Had a Lot Of Trouble in Everyday Life
Cashier: Hello, sir. What would you like?
Customer: What would I like? Hm...let me look inside myself and see what I desire.
Portland, Maine
1PM Nah, Just Harassing You
Heavy set secretary on hot day: Why don't you take your pants off?
(rest of office stares at returning estimator)
Fit estimator: Uhhh..are you suggesting I wear shorts?
Sunland, California
12PM You're Fired.
Admin #1: Do you have an ETA on that report?
Admin #2: No. I'm not familiar with ETA. Is that the name of a company?
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: You can't make this up
11AM Your Hair?
Manager: Since I don't have any feelings or emotion, it kinda doesn't get in the way.
Richmond, Virginia
10AM Then I Remembered How Shifty Mom Is
Manager: Does anyone know anything about the new shift schedule?
Analyst: Karla tried to explain the new shift to me...then it got black...and I don't remember much...but then I woke up sucking my thumb and calling for my mom.
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: Amy
9AM And Some Uggs for Sister Mary Elizabeth
Coworker: I'm going to steal a shirt for the priest.
Westchester, New York
5PM Could You Draw Those Helpful Diagrams for Me Again?
Man #1: So how was your long weekend?
Man #2: It was good. How was yours?
Man #1: Not as good as yours. She is not pregnant.
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM I Can Never Get My Meat Soft Enough.
Blonde female to another: Yeah, we used to call out of work together and just spend the entire day (hits fist into hand) Bam! Bam! Bam! All day long!
Boss, overhearing conversation: Good to know.
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM Which Is Just Below "C Why You're Still Stuck in Kansas"
College professor: I feel like giving them an "e" for effort. Of course we all know that an "e" is right above an "f" for "fucking stupid" and right below the "d" for "dang near fucking stupid."
Emporia, Kansas
2PM But What About Outside Of Work?
Copywriter to purchasing manager: Why don't you celebrate birthdays?
Purchasing manager: I hate birthdays.
Copywriter: But that's how you celebrate life.
Purchasing manager: It's not the only way to celebrate life.
Copywriter: Well, how do you celebrate life?
Purchasing manager, emphasizing through gesture: Masturbate.
Sex Toy Company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Looks Like Diva
1PM ...in Peanut Butter.
Anchor #1 to anchor #2: Hey, I won't be able to anchor the 5 pm news with you. I'm going to cover the hoes on Ridgeway Street.
Jackson, Mississippi
12PM Um, But Not to Me, Obviously.
Woman to coworker playing hangman: Your little man isn't doing so well.
Man: That's what she said!
Colorado
Overheard by: Jason
11AM ...for Stealing the Microwave
Young, gay, male PR coordinator: Wow! Nice office camera! I might have to take that with me when I get fired.
Advertising Agency
Salt Lake City, Utah
10AM That's Kind Of How It Works, Sir.
Boss, abruptly: Should I give this porn star money?
Los Angeles, California
9AM Look Who's Squawking Was a Disappointing Sequel
Lady: You know, birds squawk when they aren't getting any.
Man: Yeah, I know what you mean.
(ten minutes later)
Man: (squawking around office)
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: let there be DAVE
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