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March 2009 Archives
5PM ...Bitch
Large lady, pressing wrong button in elevator: Oh, I thought I was going to the gym!
Small lady: You really need to go to the gym.
Large lady: I know.
Los Angeles, California
4PM Though I Did Get Her "Holla Back" Memo
HR coordinator: Ugh, last thing I need Monday morning is a stack of papers from "miz thaaaaang" in marketing.
Finance manager: I try to limit my contact with miz thaaaaang as much as possible.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Observer
3PM You Realize It's Just Lunch, Right?
Office lady #1: Are you going to do me next?
Office lady #2: Yeah, I have all the tools. Let's do this.
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Hank
2PM But South American Geography Was Never My Forte
Coworker #1: What country is Switzerland in?
Coworker #2: I think it's in Ireland.
Michigan
1PM Oklahoma City Is a Lot Different from New York
Insurance adjuster: Some guy decides to go chasing buffalo through a field with his pickup and now I have to make a long drive.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
12PM So They'll Sprout?
Assistant manager on phone: Now that he is out of jail maybe he'll want to soil his wild oats.
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Jude
11AM ...Which Are Asparagus Tips
Co-owner of company to underling: Was she able to tell that you were vegetarian by looking at your fingers?
Branchburg, New Jersey
10AM Whatever You Think, You're Irreplaceable
Female cube neighbor, whispering into cell: Jeff*, I woke up this morning with a naked gay man in my bed, and it wasn't you. I'm highly disturbed. Call me immediately.
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Big Fan Though I Am
Benefit lady: Would you like to buy a raffle ticket?
Pompous cube dweller: I've already bought a muffin for three times as much as I normally would. That's all the boobs get from me today.
Breast Cancer Awareness Bake Sale & Silent Auction
Maitland, Florida
Overheard by: crisa
5PM Well, You're on the Right Track with the Banging
CSR: Time is going sooo slow...
Manager: Dude, I have a great idea.
CSR: Dude, what is it?
Manager: I'll tell you later, dude.
CSR: How much later, dude?
Manager: Like 30 minutes.
CSR: Dude, that's like 45 minutes away! (bangs head on desk)
Austin, Texas
4PM And the Coolest-Looking Mustaches
Employee: What I don't understand is, why did god give the bad guys all the oil?
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Government Worker
3PM Another Touching Office Tale.
Scatter-brained boss: Oh! Can I touch it?
Subordinate: Um.
Scatter-brained boss: Would you like to touch mine?
Fairfax, Virginia
2PM May I Borrow Yours?
Female coworker: I definitely didn't see a rodent in my bag.
Stillwater, Oklahoma
1PM Exactly.
Director: How do you spell "dumb"? "D-u-m" or "d-u-m-e"?
Account executive: It's "d-u-m-b."
Director: What?
Account executive: "D-u-m-b." B, b, b...like "boy."
Director: What about boys?
40th & Lexington
New York City, New York
12PM Hello? Hello?
Coworker on phone: I get all my dogs cremated, so they can get buried with me when I die. Yes, I'm taking all mine with me when I go. Yeah, I have a whole cupboard full of dead dogs. My dad's in there, too.
Christchurch
New Zealand
11AM My Mussels Are Still Sore.
Service rep #1: We went to that campsite for the weekend. We really had to rough it out there.
Service rep #2: Oh, yeah? Like how?
Service rep #1: Well, they didn't really have all the anemones.
Cranston, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Mercier3
10AM Checkers Is Much More Civilized
Analyst to lackey: I don't think it makes any sense to run around playing "battleship" with analysts' Outlook calendars.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Rachael
9AM Stupid Musical Urinals
Employee: I have "Holly Jolly Christmas" in my head, and it's all the bathroom's fault.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Meghan
5PM Because That Would Be Really Unpleasant for Me
Office manager, getting off phone: Well, that was awkward. She said that Jim died in march.
Accountant: He didn't leave any unpaid invoices, right?
Orange, California
Overheard by: Peon with a soul
4PM Like That Scene in Real Genius.
Frustrated coworker: Every time I get mad at Sue, I keep telling myself "what would Jesus do?" but one of these days, Jesus is going to yell at her!
Washington, DC
3PM You Should Totally Go to Work at the State Department
Employee #1: The Latinos that work there...it's like they have their own little language.
Employee #2: Is it Spanish?
Fairfax, Virginia
Overheard by: Meghan
2PM That Exoskeleton Won't Maintain Itself, Buddy.
Loud office chick: You're growing new bones in your body! You have to drink milk!
Hudson Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
1PM You Decide Whether This Is Funny-- We Wash Our Hands Of It.
50-something African American visitor: There are brownies in the kitchen!
Coworker: Yeah! Feel free to have one!
50-something African American visitor: I can't. I might bite my finger.
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Still Not Sure if it's OK to Laugh
12PM I Went Home and Rubbed Out a Batch Of My Own
Cube dweller #1: Did you like the cookies Tom handed out yesterday?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, they were real good.
Cube dweller #3: I liked them.
Cube dweller #1: I love moist cookies. They really excite me!
Herndon, Virginia
11AM So Don't Accusify Me Of That.
Office drone: I know that, I'm not stupidity.
5th Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Apparently I'm With Stupid
10AM Which One's a Country Again?
Paralegal: I know there's Chinese food, and there's Japanese food, but is there Korean food?
Coworker: What? Of course there is!
Paralegal: What's the difference?
Coworker: Countries.
Port Washington, New York
9AM I Have a Limited-Liability Contract With the Idea Of Work
CSR #1 to CSR #2: You know, you should really try getting to work on time. You don't want them to fire you.
CSR #2: They can't fire me! I put my notice in the day I started!
Greenville, South Carolina
5PM That's a Date We'll Never Forget
Employee, on 9/10: Ohhh...I just realized what tomorrow is.
Boss: Talk like a parrot day?
Employee: Uhh...no.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Intern
4PM All Year Round?
Client in high end salon to receptionist: I've got to ask you: how do you keep such a fabulous year-round tan?
Receptionist, giving blank stare: I'm half black.
Bellevue, Washington
3PM ...Put Me Down for Fifty Bucks.
Coworker #1: I heard on the radio this morning that this girl is selling her virginity for tuition on eBay.
Coworkers #2 and #3: Oh, that's terrible!
Coworker #4: That girl's so ignorant, she won't even be able to walk to school!
Toronto
Canadia
2PM 47
Coworker: How many times have you told a customer to go suck on a goat?
Orem, Utah
Overheard by: Not too many
1PM And Take Your Gobbets With You!
Employee #1: Oh, god! Tammy*!
Supervisor: What now?
Employee #2: I drooled on her!
Employee #1: Get out of my cube, drooler!
Sycamore, Illinois
12PM That's Facebook, Sir
Boss, shouting from neighboring office: Oh my god, I love those mugshots!
Los Angeles, California
11AM The Law & Order Noise? Really?
IT guy: It sounds just like the snack bell, and it makes me drool every time.
Richmond, Virginia
10AM ...Trust Me.
Exec: Your logic doesn't make sense. I could also try and get nine women to have one baby in a month, but I don't think that would work either.
Port Washington, New York
9AM I Thought His Last Name Was Smith?
Sales manager #1: I just got a contract back from Denmark.
Sales manager #2: Denmark, Germany?
Sales manager #1: No. (pause) Denmark, Denmark.
Resort Hotel
Florida
Overheard by: Underpaid
5PM NewsFlash: Writer Neurotic and Delusional. Film at 11.
Receptionist, as editor walks in: How did [aspiring author] sound on the phone?
Editor: I dunno, what do you mean?
Receptionist: Well, I sent him information about how to publish his book, and he told me that his family was trying to kill him.
Lawrence, Massachusetts
4PM New MBAs Shouldn't Tap Dance Around the Office
Frustrated graphic designer: Goddamn Shirley Temple! What the hell?
Glendale, Wisconsin
Overheard by: here too early
3PM Well, Why Are We Giving a Presentation on Kierkegaard, Anyway?
Project manager, regarding principal of firm: He has been driving around with his windshield wipers on because he can't figure out how to turn them off, do you really think he will understand this?
98th & Broadway
New York City, New York
2PM Whereas Guatamalans Are Assessed by Girth
Cubicle dweller #1: How much is a Brazilian anyway?
Cubicle dweller #2: I think it depends on the size.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Eli
1PM Which I Discovered Purely by Occident
Professor: Yes, the Chinese are very oriental.
Muncie, Indiana
Overheard by: She's teaching us?
12PM Is That the Next Step Up from Smuggling Tic-Tacs?
Boss entering office, to coworker: Are you hiding any knives up here?
New York City, New York
11AM So I Did
Dollar store sales clerk to another: Did you hear that customer? She tried to return panties, I told her she couldn't, so she said "you can smell them if you want"!
Lawrence, Massachusetts
10AM I Was Like, "Bark Now, Bitch!"
Lady in break room: I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I had gone out to my backyard, dug up my dog and took off its head and put it on my mantle.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Rob
9AM Or Did He Already Come?
Secretary #1: Did Jack come to work today?
Secretary #2: I don't know, I think he called in sick.
Secretary #1, on phone with front desk: Hey, is Jack off today?
Indiana, Pennsylvania
5PM I Had No Idea Being Normal Would Be Hard
Part time girl: Isn't it illegal to work five days in a row?
Coworker: That's what normal people do.
Part time girl: Oh...that sucks.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Nicole
4PM No-- Not Mr. Teeny!
Senior consultant to underling: I swear to god, if you don't change your answer I'm kidnapping your monkey!
Austin, Texas
3PM Or Just Give You Noogies Until You Answer
Executive, referring to salesperson: What purpose does it serve to have her review these files?
Production manager: What purpose does it serve to have her work here?
Executive: Let me ask again. What's the point of giving her these files?
Production manager: I'll answer your question if you answer mine.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Art Dictator
2PM Not the Most PC Way to Treat Wheelchair-Bound Employees...
Company owner: Everyone who works here, stand up! Who are you kidding, Mary? Sit down.
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM We Don't Pretend to Know What Passes for a Compliment in Suburban Ohio
Man #1: No, man, I'm telling you! You have really big toes!
Man #2: Thanks!
Solon, Ohio
Overheard by: David Anon
12PM The Episode Of Pimp My Ride That Never Made It to Air
Worker: So last night I got the '08 Altima I was telling you about. It's got the continuously variable transmission, so when you accelerate it doesn't have to downshift for power.
Coworker: Cool! What color is it?
Worker: Black on black.
Coworker: Just like inner city crime!
Omaha, Nebraska
11AM Sleeping Around Requires Intensive Planning and Dedication
Coworker #1, introducing coworker #2: His favorite thing to do on the weekend is to be loose.
Coworker #2: Lazy, not loose!
Broadway & Canal
New York City, New York
Overheard by: office peon loves her new job
10AM We'll Never Understand Oak Porn
Manager: It's getting a little soft.
Accountant: You might not want to use a twig.
Toronto
Canadia
9AM Or Rita, Who Once Spent a Month in Kansas.
Coworker #1, showing cube neighbor a sheet of paper: How would you pronounce this?
Coworker #2: I think it would be "Matsuyuki Suzuki," but that's just a guess.
Coworker #1: I'll ask Rich*, he's going to Italy soon.
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Guido Honda
5PM Never Wear Girl Keds in Pennsylvania, Guys
50-something coworker: Oh, tell him your cross-dressing story!
20-something coworker: Which one?
50-something coworker: The one from the weekend!
20-something coworker: Oh, right!
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Good Weekend, Huh?
4PM From the Best-Selling Tuesdays with Moron
Smoking coworker, making a cigarette "dance", singing: It's that time again, time for a kiss with my smoky friend.
Receptionist: Were you dropped on your head as a child?
Smoking coworker: Actually, I was!
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Amused
3PM Or The Exorcist. I Forget.
Drone #1: I had a really disturbing dream last night.
Drone #2: What was your dream?
Drone #1: I dreamed that my grandmother cut off my cat's head and was eating his body.
Drone #2: Oh my god! What were you watching last night before you fell asleep?
Drone #1: The Republican National Convention.
56th & Madison
New York City, New York
Overheard by: the8ball
2PM I Will Say That the Pen Is Cuter Than the Sword
Manager: Hey Annie, have you seen my new pen?
Waitress, excited: Oh my god, how cute!
Manager, excited: I know, right? (pause) It's really sad to think that is the most exciting things that's happened to me today.
Theater Distrtict Restaurant
New York City, New York
1PM Yeah, and I Used to Volunteer to Work Weekends
Coworker: I can't believe you used to swallow them!
Hicksville, New York
Overheard by: HR Laughing
12PM Isn't She the One Who Chews Ice in the Corner at Company Picnics?
Coworker #1: We had our monthly departmental breakfast this morning, and Lauren* just wouldn't stop going on about how she never eats sausage. But she sure looks like she eats a lot of sausage.
Coworker #2: Come on, man--we all know that Lauren has never even seen a sausage in her life!
Bellevue, Washington
11AM My Career Here Is Ova.
Gentleman fundraiser, waving hands: I can't be trusted with eggs!
Seneca Place
Ithaca, New York
10AM Even Though, to You, It Might Seem Like a Trivial Pursuit.
Office girl: And that game of Pictionary nearly broke up our family.
Scarborough
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: C.note
9AM And It'll Be Good Practice for Breathing in All the Smoke That's in Hell
Peon #1, seeing ambulance and EMTs in warehouse: What's going on?
Peon #2: Michael's* having a heart attack.
Peon #1: Let's go smoke a cigarette, no one will notice!
Laporte, Indiana
Overheard by: and yes, he lost his job
5PM Just Kidding! It's Actually "Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff"
CSR on phone: Let me spell that for you, that name is McKeon: "m" as in "m", "c" as in "c", "k" as in "k", "e" as in "e", "o" as in "o", "n" as in "n".
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
4PM What? Like African Geography Matters?
Receptionist: How was Ireland?
Office manager: Actually, I was in Scotland.
Receptionist: That's not the same place?
Park Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Sammy Sanchez
3PM And Repeat, If Necessary
Male creepy marketing director, asking how to change copier's toner: So you just pull it out and shove it in?
Female office manager: (sigh)
Royal Oak, Michigan
2PM Let Me Introduce You to My Staph
Employee #1: Is this your office in there?
Employee #2: It's my Petri dish.
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: another bacterium
1PM Now Zip Up Your Pants, Sir.
Reservations manager: You look very small today!
GSR: Umm...thanks?
Charleston, South Carlolina
12PM Now I'm Requesting Sick Leave
Coworker: Just to let you know, I need to leave at noon today because I have a leak.
Office manager: That sounds like a personal problem.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
11AM ...Give or Take About Six Weeks.
Business user: So you're telling me that it will take six weeks to roll out this new bit of code to the stores?
Project manager: Yes.
Business user: This is ridiculous. Why can't we just have a set of rules that tells the systems what we want to do instead of inserting all this coding crap?
Project manager: Well, yes, we could do that.
Business user: Perfect! How long will it take to do that?
Project manager: About six weeks.
Wilkesboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Firebabe
10AM Uh-Oh, There I Go Again
HR clerk, reading weather report: It will be dry today.
Receptionist: Not if I think about the new guy.
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM They Depend on Seeing-Eye Metrosexuals
Man: It's green!
Woman: It's blue.
Man: You know men are color blind.
Woman: Not *real* men:
Man: The big ones are!
Penn Plaza
New York City, New York
Overheard by: That's what she said
5PM But It's Free, So Let's Stock Up!
Large GSR #1: That food stinks!
Larger GSR #2: I know, I can smell it with my mouth!
Charleston, South Carolina
4PM This Is the End, My Only Friend, the End
Female cube dweller, to no one in particular: The grapes in the cafeteria are going soft on me.
Washington, DC
3PM ...Outside Of a Country Song
Male coworker: So, I met my brother's married Russian fiancee over the weekend...
Female coworker: Those four words should never be in the same sentence!
Rochester Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: KDog
2PM But Then I Saw the Blood, So We're Cool
Female employee: At first I thought she was bullshitting me to get out of going to daycare.
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Joy
1PM We Have to Be Good Now So We Can Be Bad Later?
Coworker: I think heaven will be like one big open bar.
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Even in context it was awesome
12PM Thank Goodness Texas Has No Law
Suit to friend: I'm 30 years old and talking about a 15-year-old's scrotum. I'm pretty sure that is against the law somewhere.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: tina
11AM ...How About a Kiss?
Line cook: Man, did you fart?! Uhhh! That stinks!
Cute waitress: No, that's my breath.
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Marcus
10AM It's Just Nuts.
Blonde Asian: Dude, whole cashews taste way better than half cashews.
Sunburnt Mexican: I totally agree...I can't believe we're having this conversation right now.
El Camino Real
Carlsbad, California
Overheard by: nadia
9AM Dolphin Porn.
CFO: What are they going to use video equipment for?
Budget services director: Making porn.
River Forest, Illinois
5PM If You Suggest the Concept Of "Sombrero Fridays" One More Time
Manager: One of these days, I'm gonna stuff you with candy... I'm gonna hang you by your toes and beat you like a piñata.
Washington, DC
4PM Much to Their Chagrin, It Was Replaced by a McCain Billboard
Employee #1, realizing Kevin Costner's Swing Vote billboard was being taken down: Thank god I don't have to look at his big head any more!
Employee #2: Yeah...it was kinda creepy.
Los Angeles, California
3PM Why'd I Give Grandma My Work Number in the First Place?
Admin on phone: That's not a problem, Brenda, I can do that for you now. (hangs up). Old hag!
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: clare
2PM WhenWe Caught You Playing Magic: The Gathering
Grad student #1: Do you at least remember going out onto the porch last night?
Grad student #2: Was I naked?
Grad student #1: Yes. Well, you had a blanket to cover your...dignity. But I think you lost your dignity some hours before.
Arlington, Virginia
1PM Despite Still Wetting the Bed.
Worker #1, about friend's two children: I like Mike, he's a cool kid. Jake, though, just scares me.
Worker #2: Me too! Serial murderer material.
Worker #1: Yeah! He's probably just this misunderstood, clinically depressed kid that nobody loves because he is so ugly. And underneath it all, he's probably a lovely person, but the world will never know because of two bitches like us. Oh, who am I kidding? He's a psychopath, and you and I are awesome.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: lurking in the shadows
12PM Probably Just a Glitch in the Matrix, Bob
Engineer: Did you grab my dongle?
Ohio
11AM You'd Need a Trampoline to Make the Minimum Payment
Boss: Yeah, the credit card rates were higher than the balls of a giraffe.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Nance
10AM Is It Apathy If You Intensely Don't Care?
Customer: I don't care! I don't care that I need to talk to him! I don't care that he's unavailable! Do you hear me? I don't care.
Customer service rep, blandly: Then why have you called us today, sir, if you're so apathetic?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: i used to be his supervisor
9AM Reader Poll: Which Is More Obscene?
Communications manager: So what did you do this weekend?
Female site admin, as garbage truck drives by: I rediscovered Lionel Richie.
Communications manager, confused: You discovered lesbian orgies?
Female site admin: Wow.
Sex Toy Company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
5PM MySpace? Ooo, Sorry, We Don't Want Your Business.
50-something guy on important-sounding call: Well, do you have a Facebook account?
New York City, New York
4PM Not Much Of a Life, but It's What I've Chosen
Coworker, very matter-of-factly: Well, that's why I don't have stomach problems. I don't watch the news, I don't read the paper, and the only financial thing I watch is my bank account.
Reston, Virginia
Overheard by: The receptionist hears the craziest stuff
3PM ...BTW, K?
Coworker, during conference call: So David, I just wanted to FYI you.
Tallahasse, Florida
Overheard by: meetings cut into my blog-reading time
2PM You Need More Women Friends, Bonnie
Office girl: Dude, I took a weird deuce this morning!
Office guy: What? How?
Office girl: Have you ever seen anyone make a funnel cake?
Durham, North Carolina
1PM And I'm Still Wearing the Tutu, Aren't I?
Suit walking out of office: No, I don't want to do that. I'm far too pretty to go to prison! (whole office stops and stares at him) I just said that way too loud, didn't I?
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Scotty
12PM ...For the First Hour, and Surf the Web for the Other 7.
Worker: So, what's the plan for today?
Boss (loudly): Same thing as always. (now quietly) ...try to take over the world.
Brooklyn Army Terminal
New York City, New York
11AM ...Pimple.
Mother on phone with family member: Look, you're going whether you want to or not. Just tell people it's a malignant.
Gaithersburg, Maryland
10AM Why Mr. Benson Got Fired: Explained
Middle aged TA, muttering to computer: Oh, look! It's an anal party!
Middle School
Iowa
Overheard by: former NYer
9AM Fighter Pilots Often Have Difficulty Adjusting to the Civilian World
PA walking down corridor and pushing trolley: Danger is my business! (grins manically at passing colleagues)
Ultimo
Australia
5PM Being Cool Is Hard Work, My Friends.
Trader #1: I'm down.
Partner: I wish I were down as much as I'm down.
Trader #2: Doesn't he mean he wishes he were down as much as you are down?
Trader #1: It's okay, my dad messes up all the time too. I just translate in my head.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: dp
4PM Think I Should Put That on My EHarmony Profile?
Confused coworker: I think I'm intuitively dyslexic.
Burbank, California
Overheard by: urzzz
3PM Satan Was Apparently So Last Season
Phone rep on cell: All right, we'll just keep giving praise to god then!
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: Project Manager
2PM We're Just Discussing Hands-Across-the-Water, Sir
Cube guy #1: Yeah, you should go to the overseas office if you get a chance, they treat you real nice there.
Cube guy #2: Really?
Cube guy #1: Yeah, they were real good to me.
Cube guy #2: Yeah? They give you the reach-around?
Supervisor, walking by on the way to his office: What?
Austin, Texas
1PM You're Thoughtful to Keep a Spare, in Case He Forgets
Guy on phone with his mom: I think if an axe murderer breaks in, he'll already have an axe.
Stratford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Deek
12PM No Wonder He's Terrified
Female admin #1: So, how's Pepe doing?
Female admin #2: He's a figment of his own imagination.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Melissa
11AM Oddly, I Learned It from a Fortune Cookie at That Restaurant
Cube dweller: I learned something last night. Never trust a restaurant that has a sumo wrestler in a pink tutu and high heels on the menu.
Los Angeles, California
10AM Gotta Love the Cornell Admissions Process
Recruiter on phone: Are you bilingual? (pause) Do you speak a language other than English? Do you speak Spanish? Okay, do you speak English?
Park Ave
New York City, New York
9AM Oh Jennifer, This Is So Sudden!
Cube rat to another: I don't want to play your stupid game, I just want the purple monkey!
Alpharetta, Georgia
5PM Remember What Happened When You Tried to Dump Dumbo?
Advisor guy: You just gotta remember--you can't jump jumbo.
Austin, Texas
4PM Excellent Answer-- You've Got the Job!
Coworker #1: Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?
Coworker #2: Miracle Whip. If I'm going to eat a bowl of mayonnaise, I'm going totally cracker--Iowa style.
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Amused and Grossed Out
3PM And They Get Mad When You Try to Put Them on a Leash
CEO on phone: I love immigrants, they're so cute. They're like dogs when you talk to them and they turn their heads and look at you, and try to understand.
McLean, Virginia
Overheard by: Septimus
2PM Stupid Current Events
Director: September used to be a good month, until 9/11, whenever that was.
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Personally, I Love That About It.
Maintenance dude: Is it okay if I borrow your post trolley for a second?
Cubicle girl: Sure, if you don't mind how gay it is.
Cambridge
England
12PM Oh! Well, I'm a Bit Disappointed, I Must Say.
Maintenance guy: Do you have any holes?
Worker: What?
Maintenance guy: Do you have any big holes?
Worker: What?
Maintenance guy: You know, any big holes in the wall that need to be repaired.
Evansville, Indiana
11AM Where There Are No Gentry
Male coworker: I don't understand gentrification. I'm from Idaho.
Chicago, Illinois
10AM A GM Mechanic Never Kids, Sir
Young mechanic: Does the car overheat when it's not running?
Customer: Are you serious?
Auto Dealership
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Daisy Flies Around the Office Like a Rubber-Powered Airplane
Coworker, slamming down phone: Owww, my panties are in a twist!
Frances Ave
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
5PM Yet Needing to Share Chapstick
Intern walking out of bathroom, correcting exiting friend: But if you aren't in a group when you play gay chicken, then it's just two dudes afraid of making out.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: So stop asking
4PM Some Jobs Make You Too Tired for Double Entendre
Transportation associate #1: Hey John, are you doing Karen today, or is Mark?
Transportation associate #2: Mark is.
Transportation associate #1: But he's not in his office.
Transportation associate #2: He must be doing it somewhere else, then.
Parkway, Atlanta
3PM Like Glinda, the Good Witch Of the North
Frustrated coworker: No! I didn't see the website error! I've been in a bubble! I've literally been in a bubble!
Needham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: it was a big bubble...
2PM We're Still Living Under the Same Roofie
Cubicle dweller on phone: Nah, she's not been banging me very much. I think I'm banging her more than she's banging me.
Conway, Arkansas
1PM Why Keith Got Fired from His Job Writing Hallmark Cards
IT worker in bathroom: Out of all the people I could impersonate electronically, you would be my favorite!
Columbus, Ohio
12PM Is Your Browser Chafing Again?
Tech illiterate office guy: Phil, how do you lubricate the internet?
Sydney
Australia
11AM Why Not Both?
Hot office chick: So, do you think I should come in early? Or do you think I should come when I'm done?
Scottsbluff, Nebraska
10AM My Obituary: "He Had Too Many Boring Afternoons"
Random editor: Hey, busy day?
Obituary editor: No, not so busy.
Random editor: Well, that's good, right? People aren't dying?
Obituary editor: Makes for a very boring afternoon.
Post Office Road
Waldorf, Maryland
9AM Mind the Generation Gap.
Manager: Would you like to buy a Lab?
Subordinate: Like, a meth lab?
Manager: Umm, no. Like, a dog.
Little Rock, Arkansas
5PM It's Contagious
Women #1 to friend leaving bathroom: How long were you in there?
Women #2: Not long enough, trust me!
Women #1: What were you doing, your hair?
Women #2: Not even close.
Women #1: Tell me.
Women #2, speaking closer and whispering: Masturbating.
Women #1: Oh.
(women #1 walks to the bathroom)
Herald Sun
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Lucie
4PM But Could We Not Have This Conversation at the Urinal?
Boss: You like that little tool, don't you?
Worker: The keyboard? Yeah, it's great.
Uniontown, Ohio
3PM Metrosexuality Finally Reaches the Midwest
Male coworker #1: My wife bought me fuchsia underwear last night.
Male coworker #2: Were they men's underwear?
Male coworker #1: Yep, but very fuchsia.
Male coworker #3: Are you sure they weren't magenta?
Male coworker #1: What the hell is the difference?
Male coworker #3: Magenta is more manly, it has more blue it in.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: just call it purple
2PM The "J" Is Silent, Right?
Doctor's assistant to doctor: How do you spell "blood"?
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM Luckily Ignorance Doesn't Have to Be Permanent
Manager: I need that paper back.
New girl: But I already faxed it.
Manager: Yeah, okay, but I need it back.
New girl: But you don't understand, I faxed it already. It's gone. I can probably go get it on my way home after work?
Harahan, Louisiana
12PM I'm Not Falling Into This Trap Again
Black coworker to white coworker: I mean, some times you have to call a spade a spade and a monkey a monkey, right?
White coworker: Ah, I guess.
Fort Myers, Florida
11AM Tell Him I Said "Hi, Dad"
Bald guy on phone: So who's the head on that? Okay. Hey, could you hold on a second? (covers receiver) Fuck! (rolls eyes) Okay, I'm back. So he's coming?
New York City, New York
10AM Yes.
Partner #1: Ask me a yes-or-no question.
Partner #2: How was your day?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: dp
9AM I Just Wrote "Masturbation" on Mine in Big Capital Letters
Underling: So do I submit my yearly review to you or Robert?
Boss: Why are you being so anal about the reviews? They don't matter anyway.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
5PM When My Body Does Queef/ 'Tis Time for Some Beef
Receptionist on phone: My body always tells me when it's time for a piece of beef.
Fairchild Court
Plainview, New York
4PM He's All Like, "Yo, Ho!"
Woman #1 (giggling): It says here he used to work for Cockrum. What the hell is that?
Woman #2: Maybe he was a gay bartender?
Woman #1: Or some kinda pirate.
Downers Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: I don't want to know
3PM Some Sandwich Makers Take Their Jobs Way Too Seriously
Coworker on phone: No, no, they want to build a better mousetrap. We want to take the mousetrap, dismantle it, and build an aircraft carrier. It's completely different.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Melissa
2PM The "Bodily Functions" Serenity CD Received Mixed Reviews
Office observationalist: It sounds like someone is pooping in the walls.
Cambie & Hastings
Vancouver, BC
Canadia
Overheard by: Martha
1PM We've Monopolized Your Business Long Enough
UPS guy to mailroom guy: You should really consider using FedEx.
Brooklyn, New York
12PM Which Is Why I'm Raising My Hand
Office worker: Where are the Doritos?
Cube mate: Huh?
Office worker: I said: "where are the Doritos?"
Cube mate: Oh, I thought you said: "where are the dirty hoes?"
Yardley, Pennsylvania
11AM Or Are You Just Gonna Hire Jack Sprat and His Wife Again?
Lady coworker to male coworker: Did you order the cleaning clit?
Elyria, Ohio
Overheard by: sarah
10AM ...While Stirring Over a Low Flame
Loud coworker: Well, what did he make it stiff with?
Quiet coworker, mumbling: Glue and a hairbrush.
Swiftwater, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: wookie
9AM Time Flies When You're Slow, Huh?
Cube girl #1: I am so excited! The Olympics start tonight and I love them!
Cube girl #2: Yeah they're pretty cool.
Cube girl #1: Cool?! I watch them every year!
Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jessica B.
5PM Poor Winnie
Sloth on phone: I agree we need to go grocery shopping before we go camping. (pause) No, don't bother to buy that much corn on the cob because my boyfriend won't eat it. (pause) Why? The truth is he doesn't like to see it in his poo when he looks back and flushes.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: My Ipod just isn't loud enough
4PM I Get a Big Raise Every Year, Though
Coworker to colleague: It's so embarrassing...I have to use my teeth.
Tempe, Arizona
3PM God, You're the Worst Industrial Spy Ever
Project manager: Boris, moose and squirrel are over there.
Union Square
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Julie
2PM Mr. T: I Pity the Baby Who Tries to Break Out Of There!
Boss to intern: Oh, you're from Kentucky! Is there anything important there?
Kentucky-born intern: Uh, the gold vault.
Boss: (blank stare)
Kentucky-born intern: You know, Fort Knox.
Boss: Oh, yeah! That's where they get the saying "She's locked up tighter than Fort Knox!"
Virginia Beach, Virginia
1PM We Imagine Ice-T in This Role
TSA agent at security checkpoint: Ladies and gentlemen, please remove all liquids and gels from your bag! Take off your shoes! And pay attention to that jewelry! That's right, if you have too much bling, you will ring! Let's speed this up here, people!
Airport
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: PetRunner
12PM Aren't You an Art History Grad Student?
Female grad student: I think I lost the sperm, and I'm not even sure what the sperm looks like.
Carl Icahn Laboratory, Princeton University
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: my experiment's not that fun
11AM ...A Little Silhouetto Of a Man
Boss: Because Mike played that song so damn much. He had such a man crush on Justin. (pause) Yeah, but you're not a man. (pause) You're not a little, tiny man who looks like Harry Potter.
Woodinville, Washington
10AM ...That's My Story and I'm Stickin' to It.
Supervisor to associate, about smell complaints: Maybe it's something in your drawers... Umm...I mean your desk drawers.
Rancho Cucamonga, California
9AM With His Cordless Drill, Perverts
Receptionist: It was just Janice and I, and my dad had to do all the screwing.
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM We Were Supposed to Put It in?
Salesman, about file cabinet key: I know it didn't work. I was there when she tried it.
Worker: Did she push it all the way in?
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
4PM No Doubt
Male worker: Sorry I'm late, I had two copiers go down on me. (coworkers laugh) I mean it broke!
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Dude, It's Colorado-- Nobody Cares
Coworker: It smells like really strong pot in here! (lifts his shirt up to his nose, sniffing) And it's not me!
Aspen Business Center
Aspen, Colorado
2PM It's What Jesus Would Do
Engineer on phone: Even skanky girls need love too. And I'm single, so I do my part to help.
Grayslake, Illinois
1PM Abuse Victims Make Excellent Employees
Account executive: It's Mike's birthday today!
Mike: It is not.
CEO: Oh well, time for the ritual birthday sodomy, anyway.
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: IT Dude
12PM Who Says Virginia Is for Lovers?
Office guy: That's gotta be some kind of metaphor, handing out blue balls.
Richmond, Virginia
11AM Elective Surgery's Out Of Control in Canadia
Female coworker to male coworker: I'm going to punch you in the ovaries!
Hamilton
Ontario
Canadia
10AM But I Tried to Make It More Appealing with Sparkles and a Bow!
Chatty woman: Yeah, my hernia is the size of a baseball! Do you want to touch it?
Younger employee: Uh, no.
Chatty woman: Why not? Man, nobody wants to touch this thing.
Younger employee: Because it's disgusting, that's why!
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: office moneky extraordinaire
9AM Why Dan Had to Change His Name to Dai
CSR on phone: His name is Dan. That's "d" as in "dog," "a" as in "apple," "n" as in "India."
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: bored receptionist
5PM I Don't Quite Know What to Do With That, Ma'am
Office manager: I think in my past life I was born in the Depression.
Hallway, Washington
4PM Being a Disney World Princess Is Less Glamorous Than One Might Think
Coworker on cell: Hey, I'm just calling to see if you're knee-deep in roach turds.
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Jen
3PM And It's Supposed to Be a Video But It's Frozen
Boss, grabbing a document of black and white printer: Who has the color version of this document? Every time I print it, it's in black and white.
Memphis, Tennessee
2PM Orgasms Are Dander's Natural Predator
Office cougar: I figure I'll just overwhelm him with great sex and he'll completely forget he's allergic to cats!
Reading, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: princess pink
1PM The Safest Balloon Animals in the State
Editor: You blow up the condoms, and I'll make the dog.
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: Mollena Williams
12PM Yet It Only Takes One Wang to Make a Right
Coworker #1: What are we getting for lunch today?
Coworker #2: Wang.
Coworker #1: Again? I'm sick of Wang.
Coworker #2: That's a lie, you never get sick of Wang.
Glastonbury, Connecticut
Overheard by: Can't wait for my contract to end
11AM Mutual, Um, Funds...Yeah...
Intern: I'd tap that.
Boss: What?!
Intern: I mean...I'd like to talk about mutual funds with that.
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM So You Stand There Twiddling Your Thumbs, While They Dig Like Meerkats
Project manager: I hate it when people tell you they have to look for something, because then they have to find it.
Oak Brook, Illinois
9AM She Ended Up Paying the Janitor to Do It.
Nepotistic hire: How do I google?
Knoxville, Tennessee
5PM How Far in Advance Do You Think I Need to Book My Tickets?
Intern: So, why aren't people making a big deal about the Mars Lander?
Busy office worker: I don't know.
Intern: Do you know many people who are on board?
Indiana
4PM And Bring Me a Fresh Box Of Tissues
Legal consultant: What is the legal issue today?
Transferring girl: Well, this woman said she took her dead boyfriend's sperm in the hospital and now his mother wants it and said she'll be damned if she lets anyone have his baby. His mom also says she'll carry the baby herself if she has to to get a son.
Legal consultant (after pause): Okay, send her through.
Eden Prairie, Minnesota
Overheard by: Stan
3PM How to Ensure There's More Cake Left for You
Coworker on way to office birthday party: Let's go eat some of this birth cake.
Pal: Technically, it's "after-birth" cake.
Erie Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Admin Ass
2PM Which Is Also Why I Don't File or Answer the Phone
Boss: Anyone want a croissant? I have some leftovers!
New hire: I don't eat croissants. I did once, I was nine, and I got a really bad headache.
Advertising Agency
Richmond, Virginia
1PM I'm Hoping to Put Everything Right With a Deathbed Confession
Professor: What's the big deal? I don't understand what I did wrong here.
Angry grad student: You put information in that grant that is absolutely wrong! You totally misconstrued the results!
Professor: Well...fine, but I said it was "early preliminary data," so it should be okay.
Johns Hopkins University
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
12PM In This Show, They Just Have Sex with Each Other
Male machinist: So do you like donkeys and stuff?
Female machinist: What...? What do you mean?
Male machinist: Ya know, like donkeys and horses...
Female machinist: Uh, why?
Male machinist: We're having a donkey and horse show this weekend. Oh! But not that kind.
Female machinist: Oh, good. You were weirding me out, man.
Rhode Island
Overheard by: Female Machinist
11AM Tonight on Fox: When Good Conversations Go Bad...
Assistant controller: I was teased a lot as a child.
Clerk: You were tea bagged a lot as a child? I wouldn't tell people that.
Assistant controller: No! I said "teased"! What the heck is "tea bagged"?
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Lexie
10AM Carmen Miranda's Descendents Have Always Faced Discrimination
Maintenance grunt: I can't take you seriously with that hat.
Maintenance monkey: This hat? This hat's the shit, man. It was my grandma's.
Collegeville, Pennsylvania
9AM Who You Are with Your iPod Is Who You Are in Life
IT guy: I've got the 80 gig iPod, the black leather case...
Secretary, interrupting: You know, I have an iPod, but I've never been able to get it to work.
IT guy, shocked: Ummmm, Sheryl, do you really want to admit that?
48th & Main
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: that sounds about right
5PM An Answer to the Maiden's Prayer Can't Be Far Off
Receptionist: Give me an STD that's not serious, just...unhealthy.
London
England
4PM Combined, They're Fruit Cocktail
Female boss to two employees: Okay, we really need to get you both on health insurance because (pointing at slutty employee) you're gonna get knocked up and (pointing at other) you're gonna squash your melon somehow.
Aspen, Colorado
Overheard by: wah wah wahhhh
3PM But Just One-- I'm a Huge Darwin Fan.
Girl on phone: After work we can go out on the boat and drink. And the dogs can come. (pause) I know! Don't think I didn't get them a life jacket.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Work It.
2PM Overheard in the Office Hearts Geeks Of All Colors and Creeds
Cubicle mate #1: Do you remember when Steve Urkel got all hot and started going as Stefan Urquelle?
Cubicle mate #2, confused: Yeah...
Cubicle mate #1: I just remembered that.
Cubicle mate #2: Ha. Did I do that?
Ontario Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: gotanycheese
1PM ...According to Some Estimates from the White House.
Leasing rep: Well, the girl was 14 and her mother's 21! How is she going to learn anything with a mother like that? And the grandmother is only 32!
Randallstown, Maryland
Overheard by: tkap
12PM My Box Is Feeling a Little Lonely
Coworker, talking about spam filter: I used to get penis all the time, now...not so much.
Tulsa, Oklahoma
11AM 617-861-3962
Businessman: Can I get a decaf cappuccino?
Waiter: Actually, we only have regular cappuccino here.
Businessman: Okay, I'll have one of those, just give me your phone number so I have somebody to talk to when I can't sleep tonight.
State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM You Hate to Fire a Guy With Such Good Feng Shui, Though
Designer on phone: You lost your chi? Is it with your red shirt? He stole your chi? He's a chi-stealer!
Broadway
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Editrix
9AM Non-Zombie Zombies Are the Worst, Man!
Coworker #1: So did you like 28 Days Later?
Coworker #2: Well, I didn't like the zombies.
Coworker #1: Why?
Coworker #2: I don't know... They weren't really zombies. Zombies don't think; they don't strategize. That's what makes them zombies!
Water Street
New York City, New York
5PM You Have No Cause Of Legal Action
Attorney on phone: The thing is that, it is not the teacher's responsibility to get your kids out of bed, it's yours.
Ellicott Square Building
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: wonders if they would make coffee while they were threre
4PM Doesn't Matter, but It's Good to Know
Boss: He has a bit of a shiny face, though. In my experience, ones with a shiny face are all pillow biters.
Office
Frankston
Australia
Overheard by: Receptionist
3PM Melissa Gets Fired. Again
Female supervisor: Here, Melissa...scrape off some of that frosting, and jam your nuts into it! It's really good!
Madison, Wisconsin
2PM Then She's All, "My Cerebral Palsy Hurts. Whine, Whine!"
Worker: I need you to pick up one of my kids, since you're already out there.
Peon: Why? What happened?
Worker: She missed the bus...again. Oh, wait, it gets better. It was the short bus. How do you miss the freaking short bus? It waits for you! The cherry on top of the sundae is that this is the second time it's happened.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
1PM ...Into a Lime-Green Masterpiece
Employee helping customer with curtains: Now I'm slightly tacky, but I think you could work these...
Bed Bath & Beyond
San Francisco, California
12PM On the Plus Side, It's Like an EZ Pass to Paternity Suits
Crime scene tech, teaching a class: No, semen doesn't last. The sperm do. It's really hard to get rid of them, even after a few days. It's those tough little heads. You could put the clothes in the laundry and still find some. So...sorry ladies.
Las Vegas Street
Colorado Springs, Colorado
11AM The Latest Edition Of My Big Book Of Rainy Day Activities Experienced Poor Sales.
New boss: It's fun to pop little babies' toes and watch them scream.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: poor babies
10AM I've Done a Lot Of Good Work for US Senators
Coworker: You a drug rep?
Drug rep: Yep.
Coworker: What do you sell?
Drug rep: Well, if you're bleeding out your ass, I'm your man.
Independence Drive
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: hongrime
9AM When the Porn Industy Hires Efficiency Consultants
Manager: So all I'm saying is that we bang it out and get 'er done. Is that something we can do?
Associate (in shock): Um... Yeah, sure. I can bang it out and get 'er done.
Cincinnati, Ohio
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