Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
February 2009 Archives
5PM Gosh, You Really Understand Me.
Saleswoman to another, returning from restroom: Damn, that Indian food really does clean you out!
Friend: Yeah, its like Roto-Rooter!
Saks Fifth Ave
Overheard by: agreed
4PM A Worthy Adversary Can Do Great Things for You
Office hot guy: Yeah, I didn't like him. The first time I met him he was real arrogant... like he was hot shit or something, and it turned out he was!
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Hellooverhere!
3PM Everything He Knows About Germans He's Gleaned from Looking at German Chocolate Cake
Black coworker: You're German?
White coworker with German last name: Yes.
Black coworker: How long you been German?
White coworker: Uh...since I was born.
Black coworker: I thought you were white!
Manhattan
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Animal
2PM Upon Request, I Also Poop Rainbows
Female tech: I have the funniest hiccups. They sound like kittens!
Boss: If you say so.
McComb, Mississippi
1PM Later We'll Go to the Ladies' Room and Clean Up Muffet's Tuffet
Janitor to another, from inside men's restroom: What you need to do is get down in there and scrub. Scrub-a-dub-dub. Like the men in the tub. Scrub. A dub. Dub.
5th Ave
New York City, New York
Overheard by: EmLo
12PM Notice the Wood...
Office guy, referring to crucifixion reenactment on tv: They are fighting over who gets nailed.
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: SDP
11AM If It's Inconvenient for the Handicapped, It's My Kinda Product
Peon #1: So, I finally got my new car--it's a Scion.
Peon #2: Oh yeah, dude, you like?
Peon #1: Yeah, it's sweet. It's a standard.
Peon #2: Why?
Peon #1: Well, my brother only has one arm, so this way he can't borrow my car.
West Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Julianna
10AM Like an Oyster Full Of Sweet Unconsciousness
Office lady #1: At the bar my sister works at, they put jello shots in a syringe so you can just squeeze it back.
Office lady #2: Oh no, I like to feel it all over.
Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
9AM Troubled by a Rash Of Petty Thefts, the Chemists Took Matters Into Their Own Hands
Professor #1, referring to box on front desk: What is that?
Assistant: Tetramethylammonium hydroxide.
Professor #1: What?
Professor #2: It's just a bomb.
Wichita, Kansas
Overheard by: Listening for Ticking
5PM When Americans Think, the Terrorists Win.
Boss to another, on phone: I'm telling you, if we start letting them think for themselves, we're screwed!
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Apparently Screwed
4PM Oh, We've Got Trouble. Right Here in Grove City
Plumber to receptionist: I'm here to fix the urinal.
Female receptionist: Is that in the women's restroom or the men's?
Grove City, Ohio
Overheard by: Real Chicks Stand up to Pee
3PM Note to Self: Start Packing Billy a Lunch.
Father to son about to eat crayons: No, no, no! Crayons aren't for eating!
Four-year-old boy: But I eat them at school!
Everett, Washington
Overheard by: Hopes their food comes up soon
2PM No Need to Get All Pissy
Law clerk #1: Yeah, we got our class ranks last week.
Law clerk #2: Ugh! My school is taking forever. I should write them a letter. I'm so mad. I just want them to know how incontinent they are.
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Fingers Don't Lie, but Liars Finger, Y'know
Manager to engineer: That'll cut our sales in half by at least 85%!
Batavia, Ohio
12PM As Though Winnie the Pooh's "Honey Pot" Weren't Dirty Enough
Old lady to friend: I don't know who Madonna thinks she is writing children's books. She's still a slut.
Washington, Utah
Overheard by: Nick West
11AM It's Like You've Never Seen a Pencil Before, Myrtle.
New girl: No, I want you to feel it because it's stiff.
Yaphank, New York
10AM That Was Fun, but You Just Made an Enemy for Life
Data entry worker #1: So I told her I need special glasses because of my stigmata.
Data entry worker #2: Your what?
Data entry worker #1: My stigmata.
Data entry worker #2: You have stigmata?
Data entry worker #1: Yeah.
Data entry worker #2: You suffer the wounds of Jesus?
Data entry worker #1: What?
Passing supervisor: She means her "astigmatism."
Data entry worker #2: Like in my eyes.
Data entry worker #1: (laughs hysterically)
Bridgeton, Missouri
Overheard by: Ready for Jesus
9AM When a Vendor's Just Not That Into You
Female suit to vendor on phone: Oh my god, I've been calling you nonstop. I'm like a girl in a white dress at her wedding, and her groom isn't there, and she's been calling him for two hours. That's how I feel.
Union Square
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Julie
5PM When Bluetooth Went Youtooth
Employee accompanied by small child: I smashed it on the ground and then I hit it with a chair, and now it feels like it's on fire. It's not, but it feels that way.
Small child: (inaudible)
Employee: No, I don't think any blood's coming out.
Redmond, Washington
4PM ...Before You Start Drawing Venn Diagrams
Female #1: Actually, me and my ex had a drink together a few weeks ago.
Female #2: I'm impressed at your ability to stay friends with your exes.
Female #1: No, he's the only one. That I dated. I'm friends with a lot of people that I've done..."business" with.
Female #2: I... I have to go.
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Creeped Out
3PM Says So on Her Jeans
Younger coworker: Oh, had her water broken?
Grandmotherly coworker: No, not yet.
Younger coworker: So, what was all the liquid then?
Grandmotherly coworker: I don't know. She's just juicy, I guess.
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: Sorry I caught up with them
2PM On the Theory That All Bad White Singers Sound Alike?
Woman from regulatory department: Herman's Hermits? Aren't they the ones that sang "Hey hey, we're The Monkees"?
Winona, Minnesota
1PM Even If He Did Give One Of His Nine Lives for Me
Auditor: Well, of course I'd rather pray to a waving kitten instead of a guy nailed on a cross. But it's blasphemous.
Watsonville, California
Overheard by: Calling HR Now
12PM Son Of a Glitch!
Beautiful supervisor on phone: How did that project I gave you go?
Tech support specialist: Well, I ran into a couple of...snatches.
Beautiful supervisor: Okay, well, I will come help you out.
Tech support specialist, hanging up phone: I meant to say "glitches," I meant to say "glitches"!
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Tech Anthony
11AM When Normally We Schedule Him for Wednesdays
Older partner to receptionist: See you later, we're going to meet this banker.
Middle-aged partner, to older partner as they walk out the door: What? Oh, "banker." I thought you said "the spanker."
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Jen
10AM Based on My Own Painful Professional Experience
Accountant on phone: And what does he want inserted there? And all the way down to the end? I don't think it will fit.
New York City, New York
9AM As Explored in Crouching Worker, Hidden Dookie
Worker #1: Working in an office has posed one major conundrum.
Worker #2: What's that?
Worker #1: Taking a shit.
Worker #2: Oh?
Worker #1: Yeah! At least when you work in retail you have those big restrooms that the public uses as well...
Worker #2: ...
Worker #1: So when you shat you could blame it on the customers in the stall or go damn somebody dropped a biggun in here and the other employees would totally be unawares. In an office, it's a single toilet in the room and everybody sees you leave the crapper.
Worker #2: Yeah, I know what you mean I usually hold it.
Worker #1: I think I've developed stealth poo tactics. I'm like a poo ninja.
Worker #3: You know, you could just go to the other side of the building and shit in their toilets... Worker 1; poo ninja!!!!
Cincinnati OH
Overheard by: Ned No D
5PM At the "Overeating Drag-Queens and Their Voyeuristic Allies" Meeting
Photo assistant: Can I have your camera again? I think Sylvia just put mustard on her log.
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
4PM Send in the Clowns
Boss: Fuckin A, my head is still up my ass.
St. Louis County, Missouri
Overheard by: crackkitty
3PM She Was Like, "You'll Poke Your Eye Out at the Speed Of Light!"
Scientist: My momma always told me to never throw lasers.
Lecture Hall
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: dulcibella
2PM It's Way Over Your Editors' Heads
CSR #1: Everyone says that Jesus was on the bookshelf the whole time. But what if he wasn't on the bookshelf...
CSR #2: People will put Jesus wherever they want to put him.
CSR #1: Oh my god, that's so deep!
Tulsa, Oklahoma
1PM With a Minor in Hooking
Female coworker: Can you lend me a screwdriver so I can put this hook on the door?
IT dude: Do you know what you're doing with that?
Female coworker: Are you kidding? I've got a degree in screwing!
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Steph
12PM They Can Do It While They're Sleeping
Woman #1: I need to get an accountant to do my taxes, but it's just so expensive.
Woman #2: You're single, why don't you just barter with someone in accounting for sex?
Elevator, Broadway & 40th st
New York City, New York
11AM The Replacements Have Big Shoes to Fill
Office girl: I love her...she was my favorite wife.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Bry
10AM Just Like You Asked Me to Leave Early Today
Account manager: This report is missing data. Why aren't February 1st and 2nd included?
Analyst: Because I asked you yesterday if you wanted me to include them, and you told me not to.
Account manager (surprised): Oh. I did? Oh. Okay. It's great, then. Thanks.
New York City, New York
9AM He Does It to Infinity-- and Beyond
Programmer: So I'm beginning to think that [client's name] is a huge fuckup.
Boss: Yeah, but he fucks up with style. He's the Buzz Lightyear of fuckups.
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
5PM Let Me Just Wipe This Off for You...
Crazy IT girl: Do you have a knife? If anybody in here had a knife, it would be you.
Crazy IT guy: Serrated or flat?
Merrimack, New Hampshire
4PM ...Eh?
Worker #1, jokingly: That's because Trinidadians are loud.
Worker #2, offended: That's so ignorant! You're so gay!
Markham
Ontario
Canadia
3PM The Winning One, at That
Female coworker: I kinda like the idea that I once was a sperm.
Willow Lawn
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Stacy
2PM Now He Walks the Halls in a Long Black Veil
Peon #1: My husband's Xbox died last night.
Peon #2: Oh, how sad. Were they close?
Sacramento, California
1PM The Kind Of Quote That Makes Us Want to Visit the UK
Older Scottish woman: The poor wee lad's 21 now, but he's still got the mind of a child.
Geordie woman: Aye.
Older Scottish woman: Still doesn't stop her taking him to all the gay clubs, though.
Geordie woman: Aye.
Newcastle upon Tyne
England
Overheard by: Finance Mole
12PM We Can't Have Radio Control Cars Zipping Down the Hallways
Admin assistant: So, the batteries are in that bin over there when you need them, you know, for office uses and stuff.
Boss: Yeah, no personal use for your...personal toys.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Kimberly
11AM Yeah, Human Biology Really Is Creepy
Coworker #1: I think it's creepy you kiss your dad on the lips. It's like making out with your father.
Coworker #2: Why do you think that's creepy?! I'm his daughter! His sperm is inside of me!
St. Louis, Missouri
10AM America...Ferrera?
Movie studio art director answering phone: Okay, how about this... "Dear America, grow a fucking pair of balls. Thank you." Bye. (hangs up)
Santa Monica, California
9AM Mirror, Mirror, on My Shin, Why Do I Have to Work with Him?
Male coworker to female coworker: Did you get your legs waxed? Geez, your legs are so shiny I can see my face in them.
Orlando, Florida
5PM Or Am I Having Another Episode?
Coworker: Do house sparrows fight to the death?
Nashua, New Hampshire
4PM ...As I Do in All Of My Dreams.
Advisor on phone: Since I'm not there anymore, you need to let the whole office know about that little victory! If nothing else...just so that I can toot my horn through your mouth!
El Paso, Texas
Overheard by: Band Nerd
3PM Are You Talking About Her Vagina?
Girl on elevator: How mad should I be that he is still publicly declaring love for someone else?
Friend: You could point it out, say, "You know, I'd feel better about all the time you spend texting your ex-skank if you took down that you love her on Facebook."
Girl: I don't want to jump to conclusions or be crazy anymore, he said that she was like a sister.
Friend: It's really absurd to text that much though.
Girl: I don't know if maybe he meant like in The South?
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Further Evidence That Female Spotted Hyenas Make Lousy Bosses
65-year-old female manager to male manager: Every time I talk to this woman it turns into a huge dick-waving contest. (pause) I think she has finally realized that I am the queen of winning dick-waving contests.
Mobile, Alabama
Overheard by: Winning this contest any day
1PM Some Strip Club Owners Run a Tight Ship
Manager to lead: Go ahead and audit her drawer tonight. We're supposed to audit everyone once a week.
Cashier: Go ahead, since it'll be quick. How often are my drawers off anyway?
Passing coworker: Every. Night.
Lee's Summit, Missouri
Overheard by: Alicia
12PM That Guy's Always Getting a Raise
Lady #1, surprised after leaving meeting: Can you believe he was right about that?
Lady #2, angry: Ugh. No. Now I have to give him a blowjob.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: ...Wants to be in that department
11AM I Just Meant We'll Have Rough, Mammalian Sex
Assistant to director: I think I'm going to ride your beast tonight. (pause) Wait. That came out wrong.
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Appreciating Irony Is Bad for a Sales Career
Obnoxious sales guy: But your product is my back end!
Times Square
New York City, New York
9AM Thank Goodness I Experience a High Volume Of Patrolmen
Secretary #1: I just read that thong panties are "bacteria highways" from back to front!
Secretary #2: I am highway-free, I think. Maybe some traffic jams, though.
Secretary #1: Huh?
Fairbanks, Alaska
Overheard by: OMG
5PM The Employee Tennis Retreat Should Be Interesting
Admin #1: Ya know, for all the quirky ways about her, Susan really is adorable.
Admin #2: Oh, yay! She is very attractive, but sometimes ya just wanna smash her.
Houston, Texas
4PM He's Still Breastfeeding
Female coworker: How old is your girlfriend's son?
Male coworker: 17. He sometimes sleeps in bed with her.
Female coworker: What? What?!
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Grossed Out
3PM Then I Roll Right Out Of His Office
Librarian #1: I don't want to call my mother. She's just going to tell me that I need to lose weight.
Librarian #2: You are fine. You do not need to lose weight. As long as you can still walk without a cane, you don't need to lose weight. That's what I tell my doctor when he tells me to lose weight.
Stillwater, Oklahoma
2PM Why We No Longer Spike the Punch at Office Parties
Suit to colleague: So everyone's standing around, like they're wearing togas or something, and somebody comes over and says Julius Caesar's not wearing any clothes.
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Roman Naked
1PM The Cracks Spread With Alarming Rapidity
CSR: Nancy had, like, a nervous breakdown after a phone call that lasted an hour and a half. I felt bad for her, but it was also kinda cool. It was like watching glass shatter.
Newton, Massachusetts
12PM Well, Let's Just Get Right to the Layoffs, Shall We?
Overly talkative manager: So, to lighten the mood a little on this call, what did you do on your day off yesterday, Steve? Did you get some mini-golf in?
Steve: I was at my uncle's funeral.
Minnesota
Overheard by: HungryHungryHippy
11AM And Was I Supposed to Pour a Bottle Of Water on It?
Teller, giving ATM instructions: Now just hit the little button that says "confirm" on the screen.
Customer: Is that the red button that says "cancel"?
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: bankbug
10AM Firing People's Just the Icing on the Cake
IT manager: I wish I worked in HR, they're always either eating cake or firing people.
New York City, New York
9AM Might Make Our Commute More Difficult, Though
Employee #1: I wish we still had dinosaurs. That would be awesome!
Employee #2: Are you high?
Employee #1: No, no, no. I'm just saying, it would totally solve the goose problem.
McLean, Virginia
5PM The Little Engineer That Could
Man walking into building to security guard: I think I can do it with a screwdriver and wire coat hanger.
Houston, Texas
4PM From the Workplace Version of The Weakest Link
Intern #1: Paul, are you chewing on a battery?
Intern #2: Yeah, it's fun. I'm bored and it shocks me.
Washington, DC
3PM Mike's Days at the Company Were Numbered After This
Office jokester: If one person calls you a jackass, that's their opinion. If ten people call you a jackass, get a saddle.
Office dullard: What's a saddle?
Cooper City, Florida
Overheard by: Knows what a saddle is
2PM They Go Through a Case Of Gel Mousepads Every Week
Lady #1 in supply room: I gotta touch it, I just got touch it!
Lady #2 in supply room: I really need to touch it!
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
1PM And You've Missed the Cutting Of the Urinal Cake
Nosy employee #1: Sounds like there's a party going on in the bathroom.
Nosy employee #2: Well, there is!
Norwalk, Connecticut
12PM You Should Write This Stuff Down, Sir
Assistant to boss: I need to leave early today for a dentist's appointment. Would that be okay?
Boss: Sure, is at 2:30?
Assistant: 2:30?? No, it's at 3.
Boss: Well, it should be at 2:30.
Assistant: Why?
Boss (chuckling): Because you're tooth hurty. Get it? Two thirty, tooth hurty.
Assistant: Are you kidding me?
Dallas, Texas
11AM Yes! Another Big Win for Strategic Incompetence!
Sales manager: Can you ship this to Kuwait for me or should I fill everything out beforehand?
Mail room guy: Do you need it shipped overseas?
Sales manager: Yes, to Kuwait.
Mail room guy: Is that overseas?
Sales manager: It's in the Middle East!
Mail room guy: East Coast?
Sales manager: No, the Middle East! It's international.
Mail room guy: The East Coast is not international.
Sales manager: I'll just do it myself.
Louisville, Kentucky
10AM And What I Just Did!
(cell phone rings, CEO at urinal answers)
CEO: Hello? Yeah, hi. I'll be....
(another toilet flushes very loudly)
CEO: Guess where I am?
New Westminster, BC
Canadia
Overheard by: Knows the etiquette
9AM Everyone at the Party Laughed at Me
IT guy #1: So, I was using the snake.
IT guy #2: Did you get it in there?
IT guy #1: Yeah, but like I got six inches in and it just exploded.
Washington St
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Jaggie
5PM Chorus in Background: "Amo, Amas, Amat..."
Scattered manager to client on speakerphone: Hi Bill, this is Carol. I have Jen and Beth here. We're all conjugating at Jen's desk.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: The Notorious B
4PM Portrait Of Three Guys Who Have to Go to the U.S. to Meet Girls
Colleague #1: Pi is 3.14.
Colleague #2: You gotta be more accurate than that, it's 3.1415926536...
Colleague #1: No, that should be 535. If you're gonna use it as an example of accuracy...
Colleague #3: Maybe it was an example of irony? Ranting about accuracy and getting the 17th decimal place of pi wrong...
High Holborn
London
England
3PM ...Before I Get Out My Riding Crop.
Attorney: Don't make any appointments for me this weekend, I'm going to a rodeo.
Minion: Are you in it?
Attorney: Yeah.
Minion: I didn't know you rode.
Attorney: Well, if you put enough hardware on it you can ride anything.
Minion: (laughing)
Attorney: I meant the horse.
Minion: (laughing uncontrollably)
Attorney: Get out of my office!
Little Rock, Arkansas
Overheard by: Does it come with instructions?
2PM Though the Russian Judge Only Gave Her a "6"
Woman in bathroom stall to woman in neighboring stall: Yeah, she the one who did my son's circumcision. She did a bang up job.
Olathe, Kansas
1PM Soda and Bootleg Disney Movies Were Our Contraband
Receptionist to office worker, carrying two bags of crushed Dr. Pepper cans: Oh my god! Are all those yours?
Office worker: Yep! Gotta hide the evidence of my addiction.
Receptionist: A Dr. Pepper addiction. I haven't seen one of those since I was a Mormon.
Santa Rosa, California
12PM Flatulatkes?
(fart noise, then microwave door closes and microwave starts, then a ding!)
Temp kid: Dude, what did he just microwave?
Northern Virginia
Overheard by: Mika
11AM Well, Initially With This Scalpel, but Ultimately With a Bone Saw
Secretary: Where are my scissors? Did you take my scissors? You're always taking my stuff!
Junior suit: Do you see me cutting anything?
Secretary: I'll cut you up.
Junior suit: With what?
Wall Street
New York City, New York
10AM But I'll Be Wearing a Hawaiian Shirt the Whole Time!
Pod dweller #1: So, I might take tomorrow off.
Pod dweller #2: Nice, what're you gonna do?
Pod dweller #1: Nothin, going to the gym and stuff...I'll probably come in to work.
Pod dweller #2: That's the shittiest day off I ever heard.
Pennsylvania, Philadelphia
Overheard by: sex > work
9AM Talks Normal Speed and Everything
Canadian freelancer: Is your husband Canadian?
Texan producer: No, he's real smart.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Sharon
5PM Jesus's Message to the American Public
Coworker to coworker: I am tired of carrying you. It seems you get heavier every year.
New York City, New York
4PM Stupid Firewall
Guy a few cubicles down: No mom, I'm not looking at porn.
Los Angeles, California
3PM Whoreloween!
Coworker #1: Did you see Amy's orange and black leopard print top?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: She looks like Halloween!
Coworker #2: Or a whore.
Washington, DC
2PM Since the Mailman Moved Away
Editor: So my gynecologist's office just called to say that she retired--a week before my next appointment.
Writer: What? That's weird.
Editor: Yeah. Thanks so much.
Writer: Well, it's only your vagina. No big deal.
Editor: Yeah, nothing much ever happens there anyway.
Augusta, Georgia
1PM Why the Company Stopped Hiring 15-Year-Old Boys
Salesperson #1, after eating slice of pie: It was so nice of the other department to offer us some pie! I am going to make them some origami in return.
Salesperson #2, after sneezing loudly and all over the place: I'm gonna give 'em that.
Salesperson #3: Seriously. Ew.
Florida
Overheard by: Looking for the hand sanitizer...
12PM "Executive Barbie" Finds That the Right Outfit Doesn't Always Cut It
Female sales associate to male sales associate: Am I really that dumb?
(male sales associate gives her a blank stare)
Female sales associate: Oh my god! I really am that dumb!
Woodbury Commons, New York
11AM Sylvia in Accounting Is Quite Attached to Her Handlebar Mustache
New male employee: Does our company have a policy restricting facial hair?
HR: No. If we started restricting facial hair for men, then we'd have to restrict the women too and that's just too much work.
Technology Parkway, Massachusetts
10AM Or, As the French Call It, "Le Mall"
Manager #1: Are you writing "I hate you" in all the languages you know?
Manager #2: Yes.
Manager #1: So cultured.
Manager #2: How many languages do you know?
Manager #1: I took eight years of french.
Manager #2: Oh, are you fluent?
Manager #1: I can find the mall.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: in your office listening to your convos
9AM Which Was Not a Kodak Moment
Production assistant, after something crashes to the floor: Oh thank god, I thought you dropped a camera.
Editor: Nope. That was just my ball sack slamming into the floor.
Chappaqua, New York
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here...
5PM ...to Morty's Funeral
CEO: I assume you are perceptive enough to know there will be no strippers on the bus.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
4PM It's More Of a Concentrated Spurt Than a Shake, Really
Coworker: Hey, what's that on your pants?
Pocket Hercules: Oh, this? It's just a little protein shake.
Coworker: What?
Pocket Hercules: Wait, that didn't sound right!
Bloomington, Minnesota
3PM Corey Haim Tried to Go Corporate...
Cube worker preparing to take flu medicine (to the tune of Monty Python's Spam Song): Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, wonderful drugs, glorious drugs.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Fyathy Rio
2PM In All Its Smoky, Disgusting Deliciousness
Guy: I really like cigars.
Girl: Really? Ew!
Guy: I used to smoke them all time.
Girl: Gross!
Guy: I haven't had one in a long time, but they were delicious.
Girl: I just think they seem so disgusting.
Male coworker, catching the tail end of the conversation: Hey, are you guys talking about the McRib?
Camden County, New Jersey
1PM Why the Company Abandoned "Everclear Thursdays"
Boss: Have you seen Tina today?
Loudmouth: Yeah, at 1 am, passed out in the shrubbery!
DeKalb, Illinois
Overheard by: also hungover
12PM On the Plus Side, Now I Won't Have to Pay the Lab Technicians to Do It
Girl #1: It is cold in here.
Girl #2: Well, then wear a sweater.
Girl #3: Can you please turn it down? My ovaries are starting to freeze!
Stony Brook University Medical Center
Stony Brook, New York
Overheard by: laura d
11AM The Masai Start Buying Up Manhattan Businesses
Employee on phone: What did you say? I'm not going to drink the blood of a cow!
New York City, New York
10AM Wilbur the Pig Repeatedly Falls Into Charlotte's Web
Yuppie analyst #1: Dude, that girl you took home last night was maybe a 3.
Yuppie analyst #2: I mean...it was my birthday, I had way too much to drink, I... (pauses) You're right...no excuses...she was a total farm animal.
New York City, New York
9AM I Think Of It As Swirl Art
Coworker who quit smoking four days ago: You know what? I'm to that point now, where I'm starting to cough shit up. I mean, I know it's nasty, but you look in the sink and you say to yourself, "cool...that's not in me anymore!"
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Ashley
5PM Superhero Diction Man Knew His Hour Had Come
Irate customs broker: I want to speak to someone with authority! Not someone who speaks like he has a potato in his mouth!
Miami, Florida
4PM More Fallout from the Garden Of Eden Fruit Scandal
Jenn: Oh my god, Anne, I can smell that from here!
(everyone in cubicles around Jenn and Anne look up at Anne)
Anne (looking horrified): I'm peeling an orange! She's smelling my orange!
Kent Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
3PM They Smell Like Victory!
Asian coworker, looking up abruptly: You know that smell that you get in your nose when you're done smelling something? I smell meatballs.
St. Cloud, Minnesota
2PM How Nice Of Mr. Hefner to Loan One Out
Grad student: A few months ago she said it was national bring-your-bunny-to-work day-- which I'm pretty sure she made up...so when I walked by her cube she had the bunny in a makeshift fort between her purse and some binders. And the next time I walked by, eight members of the senior staff were sitting in a circle on the floor playing with the bunny in the middle.
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Intern
1PM And I Saw a Cloud Shaped Like a Sandwich!
Worker returning from smoke break: Sorry I'm back so late. I found a dog!
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: I share an office with him
12PM Just Need to Know If It's Really Gonna Hit My Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie
Caller: I need to speak to your meteorologist now.
Producer: Sorry, she's gone to dinner.
Caller: But I really need to know about the moon. Will she be saying anything about the moon tonight during the news?
Producer: What are you, a werewolf?
News Station
Jackson, Mississippi
11AM Seriously, I Thought You Were Turning Into a Rhino or Something
Coworker: I just heard you're seven months pregnant! Wow, and here I thought you were just gaining a lot of weight.
Pregnant chick: Thanks? (laughs)
Coworker: Really! I just figured you were gaining weight!
Pregnant chick: Right. Gotcha. Thanks.
Bethesda, Maryland
10AM I Don't Have the Energy for Another Cucumber Demo Today-- Okay, Larry?
Male coworker: Wait! What's that word mean?
Female coworker: What? "Fellatio"?
Male coworker: Yeah, that.
Female coworker: Oh, jeez. It means "oral sex."
Male coworker: Ohhhh. Hey, Susanna*, can I fellatio you?
Derry, New Hampshire
Overheard by: TacoSlinger
9AM Drop a Bunch Of Condoms on the Floor, and He'll Immediately Tell You How Many There Are
Secretary: So, what's her husband like?
Manager: Oh, he's kind of like Mr Bean...you think he may be slightly autistic but he's still really sexually attractive.
Secretary: Uhh...
Office
Sydney
Australia
5PM I Do Feel Kinda Special When She Applauds, Though.
Coworker #1: We have a woman janitor now. Things have been awkward to say the least.
Coworker #2: Well, you can't discriminate, though. Women janitors need to work too.
Coworker #1: Nothing like having her walk in on you while you are standing at the urinal...or taking a poop and hear somebody walk in and then walk out. And then when you exit the restroom, she is waiting outside the door with rubber gloves and a can of Lysol.
Fairmont, West Virginia
4PM It's So Awkward When I Stop Talking Because I've Hurt My Feelings
Coworker #1: (mumbles)
Coworker #2: Hah?
Coworker #1: Hah? Oh, I am just talking to myself.
Coworker #2: Oh. As long as you are not answering yourself.
Coworker #1: I do! I don't want to be rude!
Manhattan, New York
3PM Shamu: *Rolls Eyes*
Ultra white female peon: Yo, dat Sea World pen is the shit!
Ultra white male peon: What, thisse one?
Ultra white female peon: Nah, man... The Sea World pen! It's da bomb!
Ultra white male peon: Naw, somebody ganked mine!
Conference Way North, Boca Raton FL
Overheard by: Straight Trippin, Boo
2PM She Needs to Stop Spewing Crap About Me
Fat, braless, tattooed, redneck biker-looking kitchen worker: I oughta sue her for defecating my character--talking about me like that!
Incredulous co-worker: Ummm...do you mean defaming?
Fat, braless, tattooed, redneck biker-looking kitchen worker: Yeah...whatever.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: donna
1PM Internet: I'm So Lonely-- Nobody Ever Calls
Supervisor on speakerphone: Hold on a sec, I've got another call. Hello, this is Mark*.
Caller: Yes, am I in the right place?
Supervisor: I don't know, who were you trying to reach?
Caller: Is this the number for the internet?
Supervisor: No, I'm sorry, this is a state agency.
Caller: This isn't the internet?
Supervisor: Nope, sorry.
Caller: Oh, darn, okay bye.
Supervisor (back to the other line): Well, that was a first.
Newington, Connecticut
Overheard by: but please give it my regards. I'm a huge fan.
12PM Behind the Scenes at Every McDonald's Commercial, in a Nutshell
Frantic coworker on telephone: What's the status of Ron's wig?!
Tidewater, Virginia
11AM Your Wife or Your Daughter, Sir?
Man walking down hallway: And I've lost the rhino somewhere...
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
10AM And Have That Carpal Tunnel Surgery
Male VP: We'll beat it off for now.
Female general counsel: We'll beat it off for the next five years.
Consultant: That's probably the longest we can beat it off for.
Female general counsel: And then I'll retire.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: If I so much as smile, I'll get fired.
9AM Because I Have a Stabbing Pain in My Ear
Woman on phone to cable company: Okay. Hey, hold on a sec. (yells into the phone) Don't go meet him, he's gonna stab you! I know he stabbed your brother, that's why I think he's gonna stab you too! (pause) Fine! if you want to get stabbed don't come crying to me. Just make sure you bring your phone so you can call 911, okay? Sorry about that...now what do I do next?
Call center rep: Uhh, I think I need to report this call.
Woman: Why?
Time Warner Call Center
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Dani
5PM And Now They're in a Sticky Situation
Manager: How can they spend this much on marketing?
Old partner: They certainly blew their whole load for the year.
Deerfield, Illinois
Overheard by: cube noob
4PM Why All the Models in American Apparel Ads Look Like That
Sales associate #1: So I might go to Japan.
Sales associate #2: You should go. I would be Japanese as shit.
Sales associate #1: The only reason I wouldn't would be to get my degree in pharmaceuticals.
Sales associate #2: Oh. You should do that. I always need drugs.
Clothes Store
Williamsburg, New York
3PM Unfortunately, It Was Too Late.
Employee #1, on boss's outfit: You look very "navy" today!
Retired officer: Yup, blue and gold all the way! You should see my underwear.
Employee #2: And now the conversation's over.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
2PM When Homicide Becomes Justifiable
Customer at deli: There's not enough holes in that Swiss cheese. That's no good. There's supposed to be more holes. I don't know whether to get a quarter pound or a half. Let me taste it...alright, give me a little more than a quarter pound...that's too much!
Third Avenue
Manhattan, New York
1PM It's Difficult to Make Ashes Look Alive, Ma'am
Family: Well, let me ask you this, I mean, she won't look dead, right? I've seen some bodies that look like they are dead and I think that is awful, how do you make the deceased not look "that" way?
Director: Uuuhhmmmmm, well, uhhh, huh?
Funeral Home
Detroit, Michigan
12PM Which Is Why I Still Use One at Restaurants
Girl peon#1: I don't think it's safe to transport raccoons in your car, even if they are in a booster seat.
Girl peon#2: A booster seat is always the exception to the rule.
Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California
11AM The Guy at the Burrito Counter Winked at Me, and I Lost All Control
Frustrated supervisor to quitting employee: And I'll need your password for your computer. Why don't you just give me that now?
Employee, mumbling: It's "Latinomneeee."
Supervisor: Did you say "Latino E"? I couldn't understand you.
Employee: No, it's "Latino heat."
(awkward silence)
Employee: I guess I was feeling a little frisky that day.
Bushwick
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: ap
10AM Which Old Wake? The Witch's Wake!
Cube rat: I went to the funnest wake last night.
Chicago, Illinois
9AM That Would Be the Icing on The... Well, You Know.
Editor #1: He's the son of the cake lady, right?
Editor #2: Yeah.
Editor #1: That lady died, right?
Editor #2: Yeah.
Editor #1: I wonder if he had something to do with it.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Confused reporter
5PM Probably Time to Go Out for a Smoke
Guy #1: You know what's a bad way to go? Velociraptors.
Guy #2: I'm not afraid of them anymore. I'd say the T-Rex is worse.
Guy #1: Come on--everybody chooses the man-eating tiger.
Guy #2: Or ape.
(pause)
Guy #1: I wouldn't mind working on a farm.
Victoria
BC
Canadia
4PM I've Really Watched His, Uh, Practice Grow.
Patient on phone: I would like to make an appointment to see Dr. Radcliff*
CSR: Okay, have you seen Dr. Radcliff before or are you a new patient?
Patient: Well, he's been in me three times before (referring to stent placed in heart and legs) So he's pretty much my doctor already!
CSR: Okkkkkk... (nervous chuckle)
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: TMI
3PM Truthfully, I've Have No Luck with Cocks in the Past.
Casting assistant on phone: Yes, that should work. I have had lots of luck with the cocks in the past.
(silence)
Laughing casting assistant: Oh my god! I just realized how that sounded. (hysterically laughing) I meant Cox Net, I meant the email address. Oh god, I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry, miss.
New York City, New York
2PM Socrates: "Know Thyself."
Dumb girl: I'm really good at those things.
Supportive guy: What things?
Dumb girl: Those things, like with the letters. Like Roy G Biv and stuff like that.
Supportive guy: Oh, like mnemonic devices. That's good.
Asshole guy: So do you know what an i-d-i-o-t is?
Dumb girl: Uh... (thinks)... Shit! No!
Asshole guy: That's, like, really important for our job. You have to know an i-d-i-o-t.
Dumb girl: But I don't! Crap!
Hempstead Turnpike
Wantagh, New York
Overheard by: Kim, the Anit-Idiot.
1PM One That Fools Your Brain Into Thinking It's Warm
Complaining sales girl: I'm freezing!
Jaded sales girl: No, you're not, it's an illusion. They paint the walls a color that fools your brain into thinking it's cold.
Complaining sales girl: Really?
Jaded sales girl: No, not really. Now go put on a damn sweater and quit complaining to me!
Shop
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: sasha
12PM How to Clear Out the Lunch Room in One Easy Step
Office worker: Oh, finally! This piece of dead skin came off.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Heather
11AM Wasn't This a Scene in Can't Hardly Wait?
Person #1: Where is Marcelo?
Marcelo (walking in conference room): You didn't tell me the time of the meeting changed! You gave me your shaft!
(silence, followed by uncontrollable laughter)
Person #2: Whoever is teaching Marcelo English slang, please stop.
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Highly Amused
10AM You've Got Rush Limbaugh Poisoning, Dude
Grad student: Everything is unisex these days, even a vagina.
Laboratory
Charleston, South Carolina
9AM Raise Your Hand If You've Considered Faking Your Own Death to Avoid Work
Wife on speakerphone to office mate: We're going to have to decide once and for all if we're going to do that insurance fraud thing.
Victoria, Texas
Overheard by: Why I never use speakerphone
5PM We're Looking Forward to His Wrestling Match With Legal-Size Paper
PA system: Training for the new copier will begin at 11:30, training for copier at 11:30.
Partner: I think I'm gonna pass on the copy meeting, but can someone write me a memo on which green and red buttons to push?
Lawrenceville, New Jersey
Overheard by: lowly intern
4PM Unless You Drink the Coffee I Prepared for You
Lower-middle management: I know you're having lunch, but I'm trying to get this done by the end of the day...
Borderline wage-slave: Sure! And you don't care who gets trampled in your little march to "progress"!
Lower-middle management: Um, I'll come back later then...
Borderline wage-slave (cheerfully): Okay! See you later!
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Carver Stone
3PM I Think That's What She Told a Bunch Of the Voters
Voice on phone coming out of an office: Really? Because I thought she only had one tit.
(cube dweller swings head around in disbelief)
Voice on the phone: You know like one of the Amazon ladies who shave their breasts off?
(cube dweller scurries away)
New Hampshire
Overheard by: David
2PM Actually, I'm More of a Cylon
Email: Let's welcome Joe Smith to the company. He will report to Bill Scott.
Copywriter #1: I find it distressing when I don't recognize the names of the supervisors. Are you sure Mr. Scott isn't really a robot?
Copywriter #2: Mr. Scott has been with this organization for at least three years. He is not a robot...or if he is, they did a damn good job making him look human.
Copywriter #3: Sounds like something a fembot would say.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM These Days, Everybody's Making Peanuts.
Someone from upstairs on PA system: Mrfff marhhh purpfff rrharp!
Receptionist downstairs on PA system just moments afterwards, completely deadpan: Would Charlie Brown's parents please stop paging people on the intercom? Thank you.
Roswell, New Mexico
Overheard by: The Help
12PM When I Do Pushups, It Sounds Like I'm Serving Pudding
Grad student: I have to scoop my boobs out of my armpit when I lay down.
Charleston, South Carolina
11AM Readers, Answer This Eternal Management Question
Boss, wearing mini-dress, as she exits office: If I can't bend over in my own office, then where can I bend over?
Toronto
Canadia
10AM Miss Muffet's Life Hasn't Changed Much Since Adulthood
Cosmetics dept. drone: This spider snuck up on me, so all of a sudden I stopped servicing my customer.
Rockford, Illinois
9AM He Can Never Wait 'Til the End Of the Meeting
Sales guy: I couldn't believe it! In the middle of the meeting with Frank* there, he just flips his thong up on the desk!
Olympic Peninsula, Washington
Overheard by: good heavens
5PM Have You Seen This Year's Potato Crop?
Friend of coworker: (mumbling)
Coworker: So now I am sensitive to size!
Friend of coworker: (more mumbling).
University of Idaho
Moscow, Idaho
4PM Meanwhile, Rome Burned.
New girl: I'm going downstairs for a smoke before we start checking over. Do you want to come?
Supervisor: No thanks, I just think I'll sit here and fiddle...not with myself!
New girl: Whatever you want to do in your own time.
Supervisor: Hur-hur, yeah, I just sit here and fiddle with myself to unwind. (later, realising new girl has left) Fiddle.
Chiswick Park
London
England
Overheard by: choking on a coke
3PM We Suspect the Cheesy Part Is Right
Him: You take croissant dough, roll it out, fill it with fajita meat, onions, peppers... Cover it with cheese, roll it up them, and put more cheese on it.
Her: That's called a "stromboli."
Him: No it's not. It's a Bradley special. It's what I always give out on the third date.
Glenview
San Antonio, Texas
2PM It's Why I Entered the Exciting Field Of Elder Care in the First Place
Boss: Sometimes I wish all our clients would just die.
Brisbane
Australia
1PM Did You Know the FBI Invented Cheese to Protect Us from Aliens?
Office assistant #1: So the boss has been in meetings all day--you must be having a good day?
Office assistant #2: Oh yes! I've been reading conspiracy theories on the internet for the last four hours. I've really learned a lot.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
12PM Especially If His Stage Name Was "Biden Ma' Time"
Coworker: If Joe Biden rapped, I would totally listen to him all day.
New York City, New York
11AM I'll Take That As a No
Agent: Can you tell me what color the small square or circular sticker is on the back of your phone?
Customer: I had cervical surgery this week. My neck hurts.
Vermillion, South Dakota
Overheard by: Haley
10AM Yeah-- That's Why I Don't Work with Interns
Assistant to another: You ever have someone come up to you and give you a present from their diaper?
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Topsy Krets
9AM Any Other Dreams I Can Crush Before Lunch?
Secretary #1: Is your boyfriend coming for Christmas?
Secretary #2: Yeah! He's in med school in Seattle studying to be an ER doc, so I don't get to see him much.
Female doctor, just coming into room: Them! Don't get me started on ER docs!
Secretary #1: Oh?
Doctor: They can't keep their pants on--and the married ones are worse!
Albany General Hosptial
Albany, Oregon
5PM ...Than Getting Paid
Boss: Do you want to hear about what trouble my toddler got up to this morning?
Lackey: Honestly? No.
Boss: I control your paycheck.
Lackey: Nnnnnothing would make me happier.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: That was smooth.
4PM Mr. Pugsley Is Jonesing
Woman on phone: After I had that conversation with my mom about stealing my dog's Xanax, it's been downhill.
40th & Lexington
Manhattan, New York
3PM Better You Than Me, Pal
Boss to employee fixing phone lines: Where is Matt? He was just here.
Matt: I'm over here...under your wife's desk.
Brookhaven, Pennsylvania
2PM It Was a Humpday to Remember, Thanks to Marcie
Woman on conference call: I'm going to put together all these papers we discussed and copulate them.
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
1PM Or Do Worry-- Either Way Works for Me
Older coworker on phone: Don't worry, you are on my list of things to do today.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
12PM Doesn't the Machine Know What I Want?
Coworker #1: Why does the copy machine keep printing out pages with lines on them?
Coworker #2: Because your original is on lined notebook paper.
Bloomington, Indiana
11AM Ream It Out, So to Speak
Receptionist: Every couple weeks or so I have to come back here and molest the printer paper.
Seattle, Washington
10AM Plus, I'm a Girl.
Male coworker: Someone just called me "sir."
Female coworker: What's wrong with that?
Male coworker: It's the same with "ma'am." Once you are called "sir" you know you have lost all sexual appeal.
13th Street
Manhattan, New York
9AM Because We're Merkin Nine to Five?
Female coworker: Why does my box have hair all over it?
Frat dude turned suit coworker: Dude, that was awesome!
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Courtney
5PM Most Of What People Tell You About Themselves Online Is Crap
IT guy, describing cyber-girlfriend: Yeah, I met her online. She works out a lot. She sent me some pictures, and she's definitely built like an outhouse.
Bartlesville, Oklahoma
Overheard by: My poop don't stink
4PM I'm More Familiar With Unix
Computer tech, trying to remove picture of very well endowed naked man off computer: Well, I don't know how to get him off.
Vermont
3PM And When I Do...
Sales rep on phone to customer: I thought about you in the shower this morning. I know that probably sounds weird but I think about my customers all the time.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Wonder if he made the sale...
2PM In Tough Economic Times, It's Good to See Everyone Helping Out
Disembodied voice coming from men's room: Aww, man! We do that every year! ...usually with our teeth ...and while he's still alive.
Austin, Texas
1PM But I've Made Do with a Forehead and Half a Boob Before...
Audience development director: Is anybody else having any weird computer issues? I'm having trouble on the main site and on admin...
Marketing director: The porn I'm looking at is taking an awfully long time to load, if that's what you mean.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
12PM It's Kind of Like Leapfrog, But Naked
Field tech: She wasn't bar hopping, she was boy hopping.
Sheridan College
Oakville
Canadia
11AM Now Behold the Wonder That Is My Nose!
Nerdy office guy: I showed you my back hair before, haven't I?
Durham, North Carolina
Overheard by: The office Gossip
10AM The Children I Can Take or Leave
Boss, on his way out the door for a rough meeting: If I never come back, tell my wife I like her.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Oh Wait. I Mean Asparagus.
Woman at table with friends: Eskimos are really fascinating. Did you know that they almost always have twins? (friends shake their heads) Oh, wait. I mean sheep.
http://eavesdropdc.blogspot.com/2008/11/now-i-want-some-eskimo-cheese.html
Overheard by: Ian
5PM I'm Printing This Baby Out!
Loud woman in elevator, on phone: I don't delete...it's not in my blood to delete!
Fairfax, Virginia
Overheard by: Receptionist
4PM Takes All the Anonymity Out of My Encounters
Employee: Do we have to wear our new name tags when we go to the bathroom?
Florida
3PM He's in Advertising
Salesgirl, answering the phone: Hey, it's for you.
Coworker: Who is it?
Salesgirl: Um...he said he was "naked"
Coworker: Oh, that's my husband!
Department Store
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Odd Name
2PM I Was Like, "Shoot!"
Lawyer to client: I have a concealed handgun license. I used to carry my gun with me all the time, but then I found out it's illegal to carry a weapon and be intoxicated.
Guadalupe Street
Austin, Texas
1PM The Best Part Is, She Totally Just Rickrolled Him.
Woman arguing on phone with husband: Calm down, please. I'm sending you a picture of a funny cat. Go look at the cat.
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
12PM Unlike the Rest of You Grabby McGrabbersons
Office bimbo #1, at an office potluck: Well, I knew she would like my buns better than John's. His buns are all squishy and white, mine have seeds and nuts in them.
Office bimbo #2: Well, I am glad she just kept her hands off of my buns.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Overheard by: Monitor of the Bore-atorium
11AM Should We Take a Personal Day?
Boss #1: You know grandpa died today.
(long pause)
Boss #2: From The Munsters?
(long pause)
Boss #1: Yep.
Danville, Illinois
10AM How Will It Fit Those and Your Blood?
Cube dweller #1: Aw, man, you totally stole my favorite bowl! And I got that from the third floor kitchen and everything. Now I'll have to go all the way down there get a new one.
Cube dweller #2: Make sure there's enough room for your tears.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM His Pride! What Were You Thinking?
Gay co-worker, loudly, to visibly embarrassed girl who just received a large bunch of roses: Somebody swallowed last weekend!
Oakland House
Manchester
England
Overheard by: Tommy
Read the Previous Month's Quotes!
