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January 2009 Archives
5PM Well, Once My Chestnuts Start Roasting on an Open Fire...
Secretary: I figured that's why you were upstairs...going crazy with a cheese log.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: sounds yummy
4PM Um, On...?
Office peon to returning temp: Hey Spencer*, good to see you. How come you came back?
Temp: Revenge.
Mississauga
Canadia
3PM Psh, Like Florida's Alone in Pretending New Jersey Doesn't Exist
Salesperson: I find it mildly insulting that, like, the entire state of Florida does not call me back.
New Providence, New Jersey
2PM Would You Like Some?
Engineer with cane: I have a degenerative back problem. The discs push together and the stuff that comes out is the consistency of crab.
Murray, Utah
Overheard by: With a K or a C?
1PM That's What He Said!
Manager: Can you find these three files in our system?
Ditzy librarian: Sure. It'll either take me five minutes, or longer than five minutes.
Mississauga
Ontaro
Canadia
12PM He Also Thinks the Elevator's Like a Time Machine
Suit about to walk through a revolving door: It's like a maze!
Charleston, South Carolina
11AM Not on My Watch
Insurance coordinator on phone: I received your mold report and just for future reference, "caulking" is not spelled "c-o-c-k-i-n-g."
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Kanee
10AM It's Better to Be Well-Bred Than Thoroughbred
Working girl #1: I am so glad I'm not a female horse.
Working girl #2: Well, if you were a female horse you'd be built for that.
Working girl #1: I don't want to be built for that.
Working girl #2: I'm just glad I'm not a female horse.
Working girl #1: That's what I just said!
Office Building
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Care
9AM I Love Comic Sans!
Geeky IT guy: How can you hate fonts?
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: indifferent to fonts
5PM A Dirty Mind Makes Otherwise Dull Days Bearable
Female coworker: Anybody need anything? I'm going to go down to the vending machines, I need a little protein with my carb this morning.
(male coworker gives a suggestive chuckle)
Female coworker: Nothin' outta you! (pause) Wait...crap, I didn't mean it that way!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: jearu
4PM The Paul Bunyan Myth Has Become Distorted with Time
Cube dweller: The only thing that saved his life was that he fell on this dead donkey.
Dayton, Ohio
3PM If They're Not Civil, You Can Fire Them
Office dweller #1: What is a civil servant?
Office dweller #2: Like someone that serves you in your house, like a butler.
Office dweller #1: Oh, I thought it was like a post office worker or something.
Office dweller #2: Nope, pretty sure it's a butler.
Cube world, San Diego
Overheard by: Tired of the nonsense
2PM A Lesson I'm Sure You've Learned After the Last Time.
Boss: If the phone rings, and I'm still here...
Secretary: You're not here?
Boss: Right. I don't care if it's Carmen Electra calling for an emergency titty-fuck.
Rhode Island
Overheard by: Lauren
1PM As...?
Girl: My dad said I can't get a boob job because of the economy. I told him if I got a boob job, I'd have a better chance of getting hired and making money.
Costa Mesa, California
12PM This Is Almost As Great As Our Tin-Can Phone Idea!
Girl to coworker at desk next to her: I kinda want to interoffice you something to see how long it takes.
Coworker: You totally should!
Girl: Yeah. Then we'd be like pen pals!
Office Building
Manhattan, New York
11AM Damn You, Gloria Steinem, You've Foiled Me for the Last Time! *shakes Fist*
Female coworker, after cutting in line to get her lunch: What happened to "ladies first"?
Male coworker: The womens' rights movement.
Potrero Hill
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: amanda
10AM If It Involves Your Bunions Again, I'm Hanging Up.
Coworker on phone: Ma'am, are you an owner with Melvin? I can't help you if you're not an owner with Melvin. Again, ma'am, I can't help you if you're not an owner with Melvin. We didn't even book your vaca...okay, fine. Tell me your little story.
Redmond, Washington
9AM His Supervisor Doesn't Like Him Because He's Always Rushin'
Dude: My brother is the Rasputin of the welding industry.
Elevator
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Jas
5PM That Second Cup of Earl Grey Has Turned Me Into a Savage
Elderly, stately female boss: Well, this fax machine will have to do for now. It can't get anything in it but it can still put out. (pauses) Oh, my. I actually said that.
Tucson, Arizona
4PM The Board Voted "Neigh" on This Proposal
Female worker: That's my cue to saddle up! (mimes mounting a horse)
Morris Plains, New Jersey
Overheard by: Intern in the next Cube
3PM That Was Unworthy of You, Betty
HR rep to coworker: I could, like, totally get a raise if I slept with him.
Coworker: Haven't you already?
Leavenworth, Kansas
2PM From the Extreme Home Makeover Director's Cut
Lead designer to counter top installer: Just go drill her holes to make her shut up!
Carlsbad, California
1PM We Proudly Present the Ultimate Swedish Joke
Perky coworker: Hello! Are you still impressed by my pants?
Uppsala
Sweden
12PM After You Bring Me Back Some Onesies
Excited office lady #1: Hey Sandy! Huge baby clothing sale at Macy's today!
Excited office lady #2: Really?
Office guy, under his breath: Kill me.
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
11AM Peter Prison-Shower Always Gets His Way
Developer on phone with admin: Yeah, just add it to the list. The account name is 'consumer', password 'buttfucker'. Thanks.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Mr. the Snake
10AM Like, "Holy Baby Jesus, Did I Have Some Crazy Sex Last Night!"
Male sales rep: He's nice. You'll like him. Oh, he's religious, so watch what you say--not that you cuss or anything...
Female sales rep: No, it's cool. I can throw in some baby Jesus references. Whatever.
Irving, Texas
9AM For a True Sandwich Artist, Ham and Cheese Sing the Music of the Spheres
Sandwich-making peon to another: Stop walking like you have a purpose!
Reno, Nevada
5PM Placenta Previa Is This Year's Hot New Color
Editor: Did you see the paint in Jenny's new office?
Designer: Whoa! It looks like a doctor's office in a third world country in here.
Southern Maryland
Overheard by: has a good paint job
4PM Or at Least Get Workman's Comp.
Sales manager: Why are you brushing your hair with a stapler?
Office assistant: Well, I thought I could staple it.
Sales manager: (silence)
Fenton, Missouri
Overheard by: Catherine
3PM Mr. Trump Made Me Sign a Nondisclosure Agreement in Regards to His Hair
Employee #1: Oh my god, oh my god!
Employee #2: It's sad...
Employee #1: Did it scream?
Employee #2: When you pet it?
Dedham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Genza
2PM Not While I'm Dating Mr. Creosote
Woman on phone: I'm not going to eat before something called "belly-buster night!"
Arlington, Virginia
1PM ...As I Had Requested in That Inter-Office Memo.
Woman exiting bathroom stall to woman washing her hands at sink: Shirley! I like you! You've filled out your jeans!
Chesapeake, Virginia
12PM Most Careers Require You to Fake It 'til You Make It
Flustered CS rep #1: I don't know what I'm doing!
Flustered CS rep #2: That's like our department's battle cry. I'm going to have t-shirts made.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: tomorrow is my last day
11AM ...You've Sufficiently Demonstrated That You Deserve the Job
Mail guy: Okay, that's the last I want to see of your chest.
Manhattan, New York
10AM Lick Me and You'll Be Awake All Night
Secretary #1: I have Mountain Dew.
Secretary #2: Excuse me?
Secretary #1: I have Mountain Dew. (pause) My boobs are sweating.
Wilmington, Delaware
9AM Ask for "Oliver Clothesoff"? Really?
CSR #1, deadpan: They do that on the phone sometimes. When you do that to me on the phone, you really get me.
CSR #2, excitedly: Yeah, oh yeah!
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: Ashleigh
5PM "Quaint Pretense for Money"?
Boss man's phone cell on auto text-to-speech mode: Taint defense for dummies.
Baffled employee: What did you phone just say?
Silver Lake, California
4PM Spongebob Had Difficulties Making Friends in the Workplace
Manager to another: Well...you're squishy!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: I just work here...
3PM ...As I Argued in My Doctoral Dissertation
Guy #1: Do you remember GizmoDuck?
Guy #2: Yeah! He was like the Iron Man of the duck world.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Clair
2PM Micromanagement: The Three Little Pigs' Fatal Flaw
Coworker on telephone with client: No...I really don't know what kind of padlock to buy for a tent. (tries hard not to laugh)
North Liberty, Iowa
Overheard by: Krystal
1PM He Also Freaked When She Ordered a Case Of White-Out
Black lady cleaning out her desk: I got to get rid of all these crackers in here.
White guy passing through: I heard that!
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Saltine McCrackerface
12PM Their Intern Program Is Excellent
Manager, about co-worker's brother: He really should've started with the mafia at a younger age.
Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Why Don't You Ask the Octopus in Accounting?
Bipedal co-worker: I don't have enough legs for that!
England
10AM People Are Dying to Get in Touch With Me
Chaplain: Oh! I need to turn my vibrator up!
Hospice Company
Dallas, Texas
9AM ...And All the Ladies Went Bananas.
Designer: Awwww, his monkey fell out...
Steveston
Canadia
5PM These Bibles Aren't Gonna Sell Themselves
Boss to office employees, about receptionist: We're gonna need Jennifer to start wearing provocative clothing to get some customers in here!
Marietta, Georgia
Overheard by: Sure, I'll slut it up for you a bit...
4PM Are You on My Email-Update List?
Guy at urinal: Hi, Jim. Bad result over the weekend, wasn't it?
Jim: Yes, shame really.
Guy at urinal: Yeah.
(pause)
Jim: These tablets the doctor has me on really have improved my flow. It feels so good now.
Guy at urinal: Ummm? That's nice.
Exeter
Devon
England
Overheard by: Minding my own business
3PM ...Which Was That the Lamb Tartare Was Improperly Garnished
Awkward coworker: I kept throwing up over and over, but that wasn't my main problem...
Santa Monica, California
2PM Yeah, We All Miss President Clinton, Sir
Director to manager: Oh, that. I forgot about that. Actually, I didn't forget it. I just didn't remember that I knew it.
Oregon
Overheard by: gurltech
1PM Ohmigah, a Photocopier? Cute!
Law student intern #1, on first day: Wow, look, we get cubicles!
Law student intern #2: Oh my god! This is so cool. It's just like on The Office!
Vancouver
Canadia
12PM And You Still Splash the Seat?
Employee #1, reading a list of names: Johnson?
Employee #2: I don't have a Johnson.
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Bronson Pinchalot
11AM Stay-at-Home Parents Need a Lot of Encouragement
Woman on phone: You shaved today? Wow! You're such a big boy!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Ellen
10AM Christian Siriano Never Did Get the Project Done.
Female accountant: I'll work on that when I feel less bitchy.
Saskatoon
Saskatchewan
Canadia
Overheard by: Scarlett
9AM Dude, You Want Your Computer to Love You Long Time
Boss to computer: Don't fuck with me! No fucky fucky!
Downtown Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: SJ
5PM Not a Woman and a Marmoset.
Ghetto anthropologist: As far as I'm concerned, I only came out of one woman!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Right Place
4PM Scene from the Upcoming Two Girls, One Lump
Office girl #1: She talks about him like he poops gold or something. Wouldn't it be great to poop gold?
Office girl #2: Um, no not really.
Office girl #1: Think about it. It's gold.
Office girl #2: Okay, I guess so. But, I mean, would it still smell?
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Peps
3PM Check Out The Cover Story: Girls Just Wanna Have Funds
Boss, walking over to two female employees reading The Financial Times: Is that paper pink? What paper is that?
Underling: It's special. Just for girls.
Boss, cautiously: Oh, okay. Carry on.
San Francisco, California
2PM ...And Then Tossing It!
Cafeteria worker: Urinating in the Caesar!
Harvard, Illinois
Overheard by: Dave
1PM A Fatal Misunderstanding About the Meaning of "Troubleshooting"
Boss to secretary: At my last job, the two tech guys were the happiest. Except for the one that killed himself.
Denver, Colorado
12PM It's a Dirty Job, But...
HR boss to intern: I need your screwing skills now!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: HR Manager
11AM As in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying?
Coworker in kitchen #1: Have you always had the problem, or have you changed you routine lately?
Coworker in kitchen #2: No, but I am on my knees a lot.
Marblehead, Massachusetts
10AM I'm Pantsless Right Now. True Story.
Intern to boss: Ya ever just wanna work with no pants on?
Royal Oak, Michigan
9AM Just for Balance.
Woman in elevator, pointing to sonogram picture: What is that?
Man showing the sonogram: Oh, she is holding his testicle.
Dallas, Texas
5PM That's Why We Call You McSteamy
Boss to underling: You owe me for taking that call.
Underling: No problem, I'll buy you lunch tomorrow.
Boss: I'll just take a tea bag.
Lenexa, Kansas
Overheard by: Alicia
4PM "No They're Not!"
Waitress #1: Oh my god, a couple out there are arguing about whether squid and calamari are the same thing.
(waitress #1 and #2 laugh)
Waitress #1: Are they?
Waitress #2: ...yes.
Adelaide
South Australia
Australia
3PM That Is to Say, We've Coded Your Crack.
Tech support: Good morning, this is Steve* from technical support. I think that I have got to the problem of your bottom.
Slough
England
2PM ...If I Decoupage Her Kitchen
Male database administrator: She said she'd do all of my hookings for the next year and a half!
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: Lady Ash
1PM Debbie Does Dr. Seuss Was a Mixed-Genre Masterpiece
Boss: See Bob spurt! Spurt, Bob, spurt!
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: TCon
12PM So I've Renamed Them All "Barbie" or "Ken"
Female coworker: I like to think that my coworkers don't have genitals.
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: TCon
11AM And Then I Won't Have to Pay for a Gynecologist
Overly exuberant raffle organizer: I'll drag someone in, blindfold them, and say "stick your hand in this!"
New England
Overheard by: Dude
10AM ..."We Don't Care How Many Of Them Are in That Little Car"
Peon: I will lay pipe to get clients.
Boss: We will lose business if you do that. They'll be like "woah, they're inadequate. We're not working with those clowns again."
International Place
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM I'm Sure I Don't Need This Much Purell
Administrative assistant: Are you feeling okay?
Redneck supervisor: You know me, sometimes I like to overdose.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: (Not so Redneck) Supervisor
5PM And Carrier Pigeons Are Notoriously Unreliable
Customer service rep to customer: No, sir, you cannot fax a payment.
Southington, Connecticut
4PM Why Is That Bottle Half Empty?
Human resources drone: I mean, we have some wine here but as the human resource person, I can't advocate for us drinking it while at work. I mean, we are a work-free environment.
Seattle, Washington
3PM It Beats Rock, Paper and Scissors
Student #1: Check out my bone sword. (holds up arm)
Student #2: Your what?
Student #1: My bone sword. It's strong!
San Diego, California
Overheard by: 5th gr. teacher
2PM Worst. Lifeguard Service. Ever.
Cashier: There'll be somebody out there to help you, but there probably won't be.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Capt Grayson
1PM A Man Needs to Dunk While the Coffee Is Hot
Project manager: She came by for a donut this morning, and I forgot to nail her then.
Las Colinas, Texas
12PM And Don't You Dare Delete It Without Reading It
Girl over cubicle wall: Please check your e-mail!
Guy: Okay, what is it?
Girl: I sent you a blank e-mail. That's because I'm ignoring you.
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: cubical gopher
11AM Unless You Want to Enter My Chamber of Secrets First
Cubicle chick on phone with boyfriend: It's your wandy thingy...your wand isn't good. You need a new wand. (pause). No, I'm not going to eat that!
Carol Stream, Illinois
10AM Leaving Kegs Unattended in an Office Is Like Scattering Money Out on the Street
Claims adjuster: Can we go to your office? I need to discuss something. And I'll bring the kegs. Where are the kegs? They were just here.
McKinley Square
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Receptionist
9AM Hell, Make That Dimes!
Accounts manager (shouting): This is our biggest sales event of the year! This is going to be bigger than ever! Big! Big! Big!
Accounts clerk: Does that mean I should get an extra roll of nickels at the bank?
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
5PM But I'm Afraid Fluffy's Gonna Have to Help Herself at This Point
Boss to peon: I tried googling "hamster mating rituals".
Cambridge, Massachusetts
4PM Nobody Ever Listened to Cassandra Until It Was Too Late
Server, walking past applicant: Get out while you still can!
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Slacking off
3PM And Sometimes Not Running But Easing Softly
Male entering bathroom and noticing someone at urinal: I'm always running into the back of you in here.
Morgantown, West Virginia
2PM I've Started Hiring Little Kids to Crouch Down and Push the Pedals for Me
Fat, older employee: How long is that marathon you're running in?
Marathon runner employee: 26.2 miles.
Fat, older employee: 26.2 miles?! Are you kidding me? I can't even drive that long in my car without getting tired!
La Jolla, California
Overheard by: Punkgrrl25
1PM In Totally Unrelated News, Homemade Cookies Anyone?
Crazy new guy: I was reading a book about serial killers by that guy who came up with profiling. It listed traits of a serial killer and I have five of the nine traits. No one around me had better go missing or I'm going down for it.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Thanks for the warning
12PM And Don't Think I Didn't See You Kissing My Boyfriend Under the Football Bleachers!
Boss: I think I'll have a sandwich now.
Employee: Okay, cool.
Boss: What's cool about that?
Employee: Nothing.
Boss: Why'd you say it then?
Employee: You're so difficult!
Boss: No, you're difficult!
New Zealand
Overheard by: Schmitty
11AM He Remembers Shindler's List As a Children's Fairy Tale
General manager: Folks, this year is going to be like The Perfect Storm. You know, that movie with Kevin Costner.
Sales rep #1, whispering: Was Kevin Costner even in that movie?
General manager: We can either ride it out or we can push to the crest of the tsunami!
Sales rep #1: Didn't people die in The Perfect Storm?
Sales rep #2: Yes.
Plainfield Pike, Rhode Island
10AM I Don't Wanna Have to Give You the Pink Slip
Boss: So I don't keep stroking you on this, how about Friday morning?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: am i still here?
9AM In a Perfect World...
Coworker #1: Where did you just go?
Coworker #2: I had to go get beer for a meeting.
Dallas, Texas
5PM Tonight on Straight Eye for the Queer Guy
Chief: Tom's got it all wrong. Most of the gay men I meet are eloquent, they're fit, into the arts. Tom's none of this things. He's fat, he's got a mass of body hair, bad breath...it's like he's only gay in his brain.
Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania
4PM I Was Kind Of Affronted When My Date Made Me Eat My Vegetables
Dispatcher #1: Which escort service did we use?
Dispatcher #2: Was it "Mom's escort service"?
Monroe, Michigan
Overheard by: Monica
3PM So Do I Have the Job or What?
Chick: Sometimes I chew with my mouth open just for effect.
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: aireiq
2PM No Need to Get All Prickly About It
Male coworker to Helen: I shaved, Helen.
Helen: I thought we were going to keep that a secret.
Houston, Texas
1PM What You Get for Hiring a "Programmer" with a Degree in English Literature
Manager: Why doesn't our testing server work?
Programmer: I'll tell you exactly why it doesn't work. I built it.
Manager: I'm leaving now.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: He's right.
12PM How You Know You've Been at a Job Too Long
Male coworker: I can't find that file he was talking about anywhere.
Female coworker: I swear, if I have to keep listening to your screeching voice anymore, I'm going to start killing babies.
Los Angeles, California
11AM And Maybe If I Get a Divorce, I'll Be Twenty Again
Manager to peon: I'm so confused, maybe if I start smoking dope again things will make sense.
Washington
10AM That Was a Sneeze, Mary
Female coworker: Neil, you said you'd eat me last week.
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: T Con
9AM What Do You Mean, "What's a Lock?"?
Guy on cell: You have to pull the door and then turn the key. (pause) Did the key break off in the lock? (pause) Look at your key. Is half of it missing?
West Jefferson
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Kazmeyer
5PM I Prefer Working in the Gutters Of Society
Arrogant attorney, in disgust: I would never do yard work. It would make me feel...poor.
Washington, DC
4PM Clap If You Believe This. (We Didn't Think So)
Coworker: If Al Gore had been elected president we'd all be fairies now.
White Plains, New York
Overheard by: Weeping for the Future
3PM Thing One or Thing Two?
Guy, as office girl comes back from lunch at a new restaurant: So, what's your thing look like?
Office girl: Um, excuse me?
Lakeland, Florida
2PM But Could You Give 'Em a Sniff to Make Sure?
CSR: I'm bored.
Manager: Well, go find something to do.
CSR: There's nothing around here to do just yet.
Manager: There's always something--go clean your drawers.
CSR: My drawers are clean...I think.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
1PM I Like to Keep My Look Current
Woman on phone: Tomorrow I have to go to the alternation place to get my dress alternated.
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
12PM Not Since the Last Time You Asked Me That.
Very agitated girl to coworker: Do you have a box that can fit something seven inches long?
New York City, New York
11AM But Dad Didn't Raise No Quitters
IT worker: I am the worst drunk driver ever.
Richmond, Virginia
10AM But Argentina Keeps Cockblocking
Extremely excited boss: I know! They're great! We're looking to penetrate Brazil!
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM ...Until I Can Finally Resolve the Question, "How Many Licks Does It Take?"
Flaming server: Gimme some tape to close this envelope: I don't lick nothin' that doesn't have a sailor attached.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indianapolis
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM I Would've Gone the "Nipple" Route, Myself.
Project manager #1: Do you want something to suck on?
Project manager #2: Like a tea bag?
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: Mortgage Whisperer
4PM Dirty or Clean?
Secretary to boss: So then I put a sweat sock over his head and left it there for about seven hours.
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM This Supreme Court Justice Gig Is Everything I'd Dreamed!
Coworker on phone: My boss wasn't coming in till noon, so I showed up at 11:30 and sat around till he showed up and took everyone to lunch for three hours, and we all got hammered. When we got back I practiced pool for an hour and then left. So, yeah, it was another productive day.
Malibu, California
Overheard by: Why did I come in at 9am
2PM A Motor City Marriage Proposal
Belle to coworker, about calling building management: There's a big brown wet spot at my desk, and Mikey put his finger in it.
Detroit, Michigan
1PM Oh, Leave Hillary Alone
Executive director: Yeah, I liked that candidate.
Director: Yeah, me too.
Executive director: But she seems to me like she could be a potential serial killer, you know? It was just something about her eyes.
Madison Ave
New York City, New York
12PM Isn't There Some Kind Of Back-Door Solution?
Tech #1 to admin, while fixing cabling issue: You want me to pull it out now?
Tech #2, walking by: Uhhh...
Monroe, North Carolina
Overheard by: Wary Technician
11AM Keeps Plums From Becoming Prunes
Manager to assistant: I cream myself twice a day, especially when I go to bed. If you don't do it at my age, you'll get all shriveled up.
Assistant: Yeah.
Delray Beach, Florida
10AM When a Du-rag Is Part Of the Required Uniform, You Do Have to Wonder
Guy #1: Tamiqua says there aren't any gang members working here.
Guy #2: Well, that's clearly not true.
Dallas, Texas
9AM He's Always Down in the Vault With the Safe Deposit Boxes
Telephone receptionist, over intercom system: I need Dick on line three, Dick on line three!
Bank
Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
5PM Because Ring Toss Games Are Fine Family Fun?
Male coworker #1: Sorry, dude, I was trying to throw something at your D, and I missed.
Male coworker #2 (angrily): Why are you always trying to throw things at my dick?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Thank God I don't have a D...
4PM And It's All Recorded for Quality Control Purposes
CSA coming off phone call: I just customer serviced the arse off that last customer!
Adelaide
Australia
Overheard by: curious supervisor
3PM When We Ran Out Of Dry-Erase Board Erasers
Cube dweller: I used the butt technique.
Atchison, Kansas
2PM The Sticky Issue Every Office Must Deal With
Aggravated boss: If I need something, I shouldn't have to go in your drawers to find it!
Nashville, Tennessee
1PM How to Turn Down a Date in One Easy Step
Guy to friends: I'm sorry, I have to write a story about crabs. I have to run.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: that's awkward
12PM I Knew This Office Wasn't Ready for Georgia O'Keefe
Assistant DA: Where's our vagina poster?
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
11AM No, Wait, State-- I Mean State
Engineer #1: Guess who is going to be at the club I'm going to in Vegas?
Engineer #2: Snoop Dogg?
Engineer #1: No, Asia.
Engineer #2: Uh, isn't that a country?
Engineer #1: (blank stare)
FedEx Drive
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jamil
10AM It's a Crappy Job but Someone's Gotta Do It (C'mon, We Had to Go There)
Office manager to female employee: I have been told that when you are in the office, the women's bathroom goes though massive amounts of toilet paper.
Female employee: I don't have to talk to you about that, that's bowel harassment!
Louisville, Kentucky
9AM Also the Argument for Crystal Meth
Reporter: I wasn't drinking because I was depressed; I was partying so I could feel young.
Mesa, Arizona
5PM Hey, There's Nothing in There but My Lunch. And Some Lip Gloss
VP: Opps, sorry. I didn't mean to bump into you with my man-bag.
Office drone: It's called an attache, you jerk! Gross!
Commerce, Michigan
Overheard by: Laughing my man bag off
4PM And Vaguely Aroused
Female office drone, petting some pussy willows in a fellow drones' office: I love petting your...um, plant.
Fellow female office drone, who owns the plant: I'm glad you didn't call the plant by name, but I still feel awkward.
Mississauga
Canadia
3PM The Saliva Monologues
Female cube dweller: I'm saving your spit.
Male cube dweller: My spit is great!
Winnipeg
Canadia
Overheard by: the Student
2PM Massachusetts, Nigeria
Boss to conference call participant: Is that study from the US?
Conference call participant: No, it's from Massachusetts.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Window with no office
1PM Variety: Lewd Nude Dude Chewed!
Guy on cell: Dude! Another dude got chewed!
Fresno City Hall
Fresno, California
Overheard by: Dudette
12PM Forewarned Is Forearmed
Minion: Right, let's go talk about foreskins!
Durham, North Carolina
Overheard by: So tired of foreskins
11AM Ad: The Solution to Conflict!
Peon #1: Yeah, that guy is a real jerk.
Peon #2: What you need is some jerk repellent. Some jerk-be-gone, or some jerk-off. Oh, wait...no.
San Francisco, California
10AM So Long, Mossy, No-Music Teeth!
Teenage worker: Did you listen to that Tooth Tunes toothbrush I got you?
20-something blond worker: Yeah, I was brushing my teeth naked and dancing to it this morning.
Tallahassee, Florida
9AM Or, Even Better-- Play Boggle?
Rep #1: I hope we won't be bored today.
Rep #2: Don't worry, I brought things to entertain us.
Rep #1: Does that mean you are finally going to sleep with me today?
Sarasota, Florida
Overheard by: Scared of entertainment
5PM Another Victim Of Texas Sex Ed
Office girl: Becky, do you have a tampon I could have? Sorry, but I'm dying here.
Pregnant office girl (staring at her): I'm pregnant.
Office girl: So?
Dallas, Texas
4PM I Better Get Cracking, Then
Boss: We need you two to go through these patents on review, every line of them, very carefully. You're going to have to be real anal.
Blond coworker: Oh, I'm real good at anal.
Boss: Great, any questions?
Menlo Park, California
3PM She's Really Been Taking It from All Sides-- What?
Boss describing an assistant who scheduled all the engineers in team: Kim has worked horizontally through the team.
Uxbridge
England
Overheard by: I'll get fired for this
2PM He Also Gets Distracted by Shiny Objects
HR to CEO: No retort needed, Timmy, the proof is in the pudding.
CEO: Mmmmm...pudding!
Lafayette, Indianapolis
Overheard by: Ag dEsigner
1PM Hah-- The Laws Of Space-Time Are Putty in My Hands!
CEO: So, how long will it take you to set that up?
System admin: Um...two minutes?
CEO: Five. You've got five. See, I doubled-and-a-halved it for you!
System admin, developer, designer: What?
State & Water
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
12PM Can't You at Least Get Your Guide Dog to Do It for You?
Male disability attorney, venting to paralegal: I just kept thinking. Seriously, how can you not get your paperwork done? You're disabled, what else do you have to do?
Twin Cities, Minnesota
Overheard by: Hillary E Us
11AM That's Why You're the Best Manager Ever
Newspaper worker: Well, we're just the minions of this company, anyway.
Newspaper manager: What's a minion?
Ft lauderdale, Florida
10AM Just Relax and Let It Happen
Manager to another: You know, sometimes you are going to just walk out to your car and it will be covered entirely in vaseline.
Dayton, Ohio
9AM If I Say No, Will You Promise Not to Call Back?
Caller: I'm calling to talk to the woman I talked to last week. I can't remember her name.
(pause) I don't know...did I call the right place?
Richmond, Virginia
5PM Unless "Invisible Men Anonymous" Is Using It Again
Worker bee: Is the meeting in room 1 finished?
Peon: I don't know, is anyone in there?
Worker bee: No, it's empty.
Peon: Then the meeting's probably finished.
Bristol
England
Overheard by: Stephanie
4PM Companies Who Hire Motivational Speakers Have Lost Their Way
Meeting speaker: Either get on the train or get off the boat.
Washington, DC
3PM They're the Catholic Priests of the Animal Kingdom
Coworker #1: There were two worms fornicating in my yard last night.
Coworker #2: Um, worms are asexual.
Coworker #3: Just because they're asexual doesn't mean they can't have fun!
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I Love My Job
2PM They're Right Over There in the Spiked Collars-- Let's Give 'Em a Hand!
Boss: Our donor, Mr smith, has been very generous with his wife. (muffled giggles from rest of room) Err...Mr smith and his wife have both been very generous. (room collapses into laughter)
Oxford
England
Overheard by: Mazzarina
1PM That's Even Creepier Than a Meehive
Coworker #1: Do you see Matt's hair? He looked like Mrs. Bates from Psycho. He had his hair up in a bun.
Coworker #2: A mun?
Library
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
12PM Well, It Would Have to Be, Wouldn't It?
Coworker #1: So I had this really good wine the other night. It was called "Shark."
Coworker #2: Hmmmm...I'll have to try that.
Coworker #1: Yes, it's spelled "T-S-C-H."
Foggy Bottom
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Cubicle Rockin
11AM Like the Federal Budget
Worker bee: What is the regional center?
Facilities worker: They deal more with like, handicapped people, and you know...retarded stuff.
Santa Ana, California
Overheard by: Joe Garca
10AM My Notoriety's Already Gotten Chlamydia Four Times
Gossip queen: So, Nate, saw you and Erin left during lunch together. What's goin' on there?
Nate: Nothin'.
Gossip queen: Oh, I get it. Wink. (walks away)
Nate to John: When did eating lunch with someone correlate to having penetrated them? I swear to god, my reputation gets laid about 300% more than I do.
John: Wink.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: me
9AM One Of the Many Drawbacks Of Working for Annie Oakley
Coworker #1: Well, show her the law.
Coworker #2: If I show her the law, she will take her gun out and shoot me!
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Scared to go with her
5PM At Least Our Society's Learned from That Richard Gere Story.
Office monkey #1: I am so mad at John. I just scheduled three meetings for him on Thursday morning. Don't ask me how I pulled that rabbit out of my ass!
Office monkey #2: Wow...where'd you get the expression "pulling a rabbit out of your ass?"
Office monkey #1: Because pulling a rabbit out of a hat is easy!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Wondering how to pull a rabbit out...
4PM Why the Office Scavenger Hunt Was Discontinued
Boss to group of serious underlings: $10 for each business card or carnal knowledge of our target group.
Masters Tournament
Augusta, Georgia
Overheard by: glad i've got business cards
3PM And If Science Ever Conquers Death, the Pope's Out of a Job
Writer: You know what I think? I think Jerry Lewis wakes up every morning just scared out of his mind that they'll actually find a cure for muscular dystrophy.
Scottsdale, Arizona
2PM And By "More Pull" I Mean Exactly What You Think I Mean
Boss to intern: The gym is a great place for networking. You tend to have a bit more pull with your colleagues when you see them naked in the locker room every morning.
Bellingham, Washington
1PM From the All-Fruit Version Of Dickens' A Christmas Carol
Office peon, taking plums out of a bag: Oh, my god! Little apples! They're *so* cute!
Silver Spring, Maryland
12PM The One with the Nipple Ring
Coworker #1: Who is George W. Bush? Which one is he?
Coworker #2: You have got to be kidding me.
Government Agency
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: laughing hysterically
11AM Sorry You Dented That Rock, Though.
Male grad student to female TA: Oh, hey! Congratulations on not fracturing your skull!
Geology Department
University of Iowa
Overheard by: Another Grad
10AM Translation: Is It Worth the Effort of Coming Over to Look?
Office lady #1: I got porn in my e-mail again! I just opened it up and...whoa! Big surprise!
Office lady #2: How big a surprise?
Markham
Ontario
Canadia
9AM Sweet Adeline Is Also Out Of Order
Receptionist: There's an engineer here to look at the phone lines.
Office girl: The phones are fine. Is it the line for the net?
Receptionist: She's not in.
Office girl: Er...who?
Receptionist: Annette.
Midlands
England
Overheard by: Al
5PM Business Etiquette Is Different in New York
Female receptionist to male receptionist: Since you're going to lunch in 20 minutes, can you fill up my water bottle?
Male receptionist: Can you blow me?
Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York
Overheard by: gb
4PM And It'll Make Our Presentation More Festive
Male IT worker: Body glitter is not that hard to wash off.
Richmond, Virginia
3PM Yeah, He Set Off My Sprinklers
Accounting woman: I am leaking.
Accounting manager: I heard you just went to the doctor.
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: fishbones
2PM I'm Gonna Write Down a URL for You
CSR, looking at small child: I want a baby, but I want it to stay small like that.
Serious manager: Well, you should have sex with a dwarf.
Washington, DC
1PM Oh-Nay Singular Sensation, Every Little Step She Takes
Annoying girl on phone: Great, so your user name is, "the power of oh-nay." Oh. One. That's probably what that is.
Poydras Center
New Orleans, Louisiana
Overheard by: Rosemary
12PM ...Known by the Rest Of My Siblings As "Grandma"...
Political organizer: That crackhead bitch! Well, I don't like to call anyone a crackhead. (starts again) That one lady who smokes crack...
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: I don't like labels, either
11AM What Do You Suppose "Lovin' Is What I Got" Means?
ISYS guy, listening to music: Sublime is awesome. "I smoke two joints in the morning. I smoke two joints at night". Where do they come up with this stuff?
Accountant: They probably smoked two joints.
ISYS guy: I know! Lyrical genius!
Provo, Utah
10AM Fabio's Kids Have Unique Issues
Tech guy #1: My dad had real long hair. It was down to his butt.
Tech guy #2: Why did you dad have long hair?
Tech guy #1: My dad was famous. Famous guys have long hair.
Tech guy #2: What was your dad famous for?
Tech guy #1: I don't know.
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM I Told You Duct Tape Will Fix Anything
Worker #1: Did you hear about the industrial accident the other day?
Worker #2: No, what happened?
Worker #1: A cable broke and took out his whole left side!
Worker #2: Oh no!
Worker #1: It's okay, he's all right now.
Marysville, Washington
Overheard by: Noah
5PM Didn't You See the Sudoku I Put on the Stall Wall for You?
Woman #1: I've been drinking tons of water.
Woman #2: Oh, yeah?
Woman #1: Yeah, I've been peeing like crazy.
Woman #2: Oh, yeah?
Woman #1: Yeah, like every five minutes. I hate peeing. It is so boring.
New York City, New York
4PM On the Other Hand, She Is a Bandit
Director: I feel so bad for Sarah!
Intern: Who?
Director: Sarah, from [xyz] Corp! She got fired!
Intern: Oh, that's terrible.
Director: I feel so bad! And she only has one arm!
New York City, New York
3PM Puppetry Of the Penis Auditions Were a Gruelling Affair
Boss to underling: Let me pull my package back out so it is in front of me.
Black Diamond, Washington
2PM Barry White Is to Them What a Cross Is to a Vampire
Coworker #1: Your outgoing message sounds like a whispering Barry White.
Coworker #2: Well, you know...there are a lot of fruities out there and I got to keep them away.
Dallas, Texas
1PM Looks Like Al Gore's Lost His Keys Again
Salesman: That guy from the internet is gonna call soon. I think he's in the internet right now or he'd call now.
Indianapolis, Indiana
12PM With Its Miles of White-Sand Beaches
Woman: Where is your next conference?
Hairdresser: Boston.
Woman: Oh, I love Boston.
Hairdresser: Yeah, I've never been to the East Coast before. (pauses) Well, no, I guess I have been to Kentucky.
Hays, Kansas
11AM Like an In-Shower Violin Serenade
Boss: Why would I pay to watch you take a shower?
Underling: Lots of people pay for it.
Boss: How much would you charge me?
Underling: I don't know, I'm Asian, so I can offer other amenities.
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM Why "Hawaiian Shirt Fridays" Lasted Only a Week
Engineer, walking through cube farm: Wooo! Wooooooooooooooooooo! Surf's up!
Redondo Beach, California
Overheard by: Trappedinthebasement
9AM Or Smuggling a Turkey Out Of the A&P
Man to lady holding her stomach: Why are you walking like that?
Woman: This is how you're supposed to walk when you're pregnant.
Omaha, Nebraska
5PM My DVDs Are Selling Like Hotcakes
Woman #1: Look at you! You're a sexy pregnant woman! Not many pregnant women can pull off sexy.
Woman #2: I know.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: MissPink
4PM Because Our Country Can't Handle a Cool Whip
Suit to other: I just don't understand why the minority whip is never a minority.
Denver, Colorado
3PM This Is So Much Better Than Having On-Site Tech Support
Woman on phone with tech support: Yes, ma'am, I am in front of my computer. That's how I know it's frozen.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
2PM What? I Just Think "SnoBalls" Sounds Kinda Fruity.
Coworker: I cannot wait to eat these cake balls.
3rd & Fairfax
New York City, New York
1PM And a Subscription to Scientific American
Boss: My daughter's turning two tomorrow.
Employee: What can I get her? Anything she doesn't have that she really needs?
Boss: An "off" button.
Santa Barbara, California
12PM And I Tool Around My Apartment on a Segway
Worker bee #1: You're too skinny!
Worker bee #2: It's not my fault. I try to eat crap!
San Rafael, California
11AM Technically, This Is a Bus Stop
Judge, on the bench: This is not a court of justice! This is a court of law!
Elyria, Ohio
10AM Are You Contextually-Active?
Boss to colleague on phone: Yeah, the English language is quite infectious. It's like an STD.
Atascadero, California
Overheard by: I speak Gonorrhea
9AM Translucent
Editor: His name is Kobe.
Office manager: Kobe? Is he white?
Editor: Yes.
Office manager: Pure white?
Delray Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lois Lane
5PM L.A. Greets 'Administrative Professionals Day' With a Certain Skepticism
Coworker to intern: Are you sure they're not taking you out there to kill you?
Los Angeles, California
4PM Meet the Poster Boy for Conservative America
Man on phone: Now, is this something that if I open it at home, it'll explode? Oh, right, in case a group of nuns is taking a tour. Well, thank you uncle Eugene! I hope you shoot something this weekend!
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Who exactly is this Uncle Eugene?
3PM Now Presenting: Deaf, Dumb, and Blind
Male office worker: So, are you looking forward to the symphony this weekend?
Female office worker (excitedly): Oh yes! Beethoven's only opera, Fidelio!
Male office worker: Have you heard it before?
Female office worker: No, it's my first opera. But I've been reading about it. Beethoven was a genius!
Male office worker: Yeah. But why do you say that?
Female office worker: Well, he wrote all that music, and he was blind!
St. Louis, Missouri
2PM And a Convenient Snack!
Employee: What's that on your head? (pause) Oh, a hat.
Stanford University, California
1PM And I Thought Enquiring Further Might Lead to Additional Work
Office guy #1: Did you get the e-mail?
Office guy #2: Which one?
Office guy #1: I don't know. Someone just asked me.
Stratford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Deek
12PM Tell the President It's Time to Go Back to Work
Police officer: He's talking to ducks.
Dispatcher: Ducks? As in quack-quack duck?
Police officer (very perky): 10-4!
Dispatcher: How many ducks is he talking to?
Police officer: Uh...just one that I can see.
Huntsville, Alabama
Overheard by: Niki
11AM Allow Me to Execute the Awkward Turtle Hand Gesture
Paper-white new dad: Would like you to see a picture of my son?
Coworker: Oh, he's so cute! What ethnicity is your wife?
Paper-white new dad: She's Spanish.
Coworker: Oh, I love brown babies.
Paper-white new dad: What, excuse me?
West 22nd Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Phil F.
10AM The Downside of Being Secretary to the Lord
Peon: So, why did you come in if you're sick?
Sick secretary: I came in because my boss needed me.
Peon (looking around office): But he's not even here!
Sick secretary (grimly): Oh, he's here. Believe me. He's here. He's definitely here.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: hope he's not here
9AM Or Little Italian Choir Boys
Coworker #1: Hey, listen to this: "2.3 million Americans are currently incarcerated." That's about 1% of the population!
Coworker #2: What's that mean?
Coworker #1: In prison.
Coworker #1: Oh, I was thinking castrated...and I thought they only did that to animals.
Muscatine, Iowa
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