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November 2008 Archives
5PM But I Can't Get Enough Of That Powder-Fresh Scent
Male office peon: Why isn't my deodorant holding me? It's wearing off already.
Female office peon: What?
Male office peon: I guess I should stop using Degree for Women!
Tulsa, Oklahoma
4PM I Think We Still Have Some Cupcakes Left Over from Ergonomic Keyboard Month
Post-doc: Does anyone know when Household Hazardous Waste Disposal Day is?
Grad student: Wooooo! Household Hazardous Waste Disposal Day! Let's celebrate!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
3PM I'm Really Psyched About the Mona Lisa
Worker #1: Yeah, we're excited to see Scotland.
Worker #2: What's on your list to see in Scotland?
Worker #1: Well I really want to see Stonehenge!
Worker #2: Stonehenge is in England.
Worker #1: Wait...what did you ask?
Redmond, Washington
2PM Some Versions Of the Midas Story Are More Controversial Than Others
Loud educator to others: Why does everything I touch get hard?
Doylestown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: G-wiz
1PM She Ends Every Sentence with "...In Your Butt!"
Funny boss to admin: Sugar turns into fat and it just sits...in your butt!
Omaha, Nebraska
12PM What Is It with That Word?
Office peon: Will the office gift exchange be unisex?
Boss (seriously): That's inappropriate in the workplace.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: beth the observer
11AM ...Can We Pretend This Conversation Never Happened?
Office peon: If I moved out to Phoenix I'd probably need a motorcycle. Taking advantage of the weather and...women and stuff.
Decatur, Illinois
Overheard by: Kelli
10AM K-Fed's Custody Testimony, in a Nutshell
Gossipy secretary: I don't mean to say she's a moron, but she's a moron.
New York City, New York
9AM It'll Blend Right in with Your Skin Tones, Mr. Tin Man
Clerk on phone: Hey, you got any duct tape? You can just cut off a little piece and put that on your wart.
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Db's Mom
5PM ...I Could Get Nailed for the First Time in a While
Secretary (singing to herself to the tune of "If I only had a brain"): If I only had a hammer...if I only had a hammer...
Morris Plains, New Jersey
4PM And the Polygraph Confirms It
Office manager: No, I'm not into zoophilia.
Civil Service Office
Belfast
Northern Ireland
Overheard by: Telboy
3PM Learned That One the Hard Way
Coworker #1: You should use the clap method.
Coworker #2: Me and the clap just don't mix.
Washington, DC
2PM Just Burns a Little When I Pee
Dispatcher #1: Do you like that Ford truck country singer guy?
Dispatcher #2: Who, Toby Keith? I can't stand that guy, he makes my testosterone boil!
Dispatcher #3: Does that hurt?
Salt Lake City, Utah
1PM Beauty's Still Awaiting the Kiss That Will Awaken Her Sleeping Mind
Bimbo named Jennifer answering office phone: Hello, this is Janet, how can you help me?
Ocala, Florida
Overheard by: LMAO
12PM Leaving the Office Is Grounds for Dismissal
Intern: What do we do if there's a fire? Meet somewhere outside...or...
Quasi-supervisor: Hide under your desk.
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Sometimes I Find Myself Accidentally Throwing Rocks at Them
Coworker #1: Hey, Shaniqua can you hand me that coffee?
Coworker #2 (very angry): My name is not Shaniqua--that's racist. Just because I'm black doesn't mean I have a name like that.
Coworker #1 (defensively): That isn't racism--it's a joke. Calling someone by a name that isn't theirs isn't racist. You shouldn't be so quick to call someone a racist.
Coworker #3 (after some consideration): I thought about what you said earlier and you're right. Besides, everyone is racist to some degree. Even myself. I find that I'm racist against fat people even though I don't mean to be.
Duluth, Georgia
10AM Where Are They Now?: Pauly Shore
Mailman: Is this the 3rd floor?
Receptionist: No, this is the 2nd floor.
Mailman: But isn't the next floor like the ...4th floor?
Receptionist: No, that's the 3rd floor.
Mailman (confused): Yo, man, that's weird.
Richmond Street
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: front desk
9AM I Always Pronounce It 'Roget', Like the Thesaurus
Office drone #1: Hey, Thomas, how do you pronounce that customer's name?
Office drone #2: Which one?
Office drone #1: You know, the one I can't say right.
Office drone #2: "Roger"?
Office drone #1: ...yeah.
Halifax
Canadia
5PM A Vast Improvement on My Usual Pea Brain
Ditzy secretary to ditzy friend: I just ate, so I have total lunch-brain right now.
Gastown
Vancouver
Canadia
4PM There's a Reason Your Nametag Says "Awkward Guy"
Coworker: I made a conscious effort not to wear any perfume today in case it was causing you to sneeze, so if I stink, it's your fault.
Conversation disruptor: I love your stink.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: Sneezy
3PM So That's a "No" on the Orgy?
President: Let me tell you what, this is about Hank. You know how when you have a bunch of buddies over to make clam chowder, but it never tastes as good as when you make it yourself? That's what I'm talking about Hank. You've got to have just one guy in control of the paprika.
Sonora Court
Sunnyvale, California
2PM Nobody's Cracked a Smile in Warren Since the Fifties
Female coworker #1: The store is called The Pink Taco. It's right across from the bait shop.
Female coworker #2: That's where I got Mr. Jiggles.
Warren, Pennsylvania
1PM Still Have That Peace Pipe in Your Desk?
IT guy: Dude, your computer is so messed up! I just don't know what's going on here!
Engineer: I probably should have told you this before, but my computer rests on top of an ancient Indian burial site, so you are probably going to need a priest.
Ladson, South Carolina
12PM Um, That Was Jennifer.
VP to assistant: Remember that one day, when we were doing it and we were on a conference call at the same time? That was a good day.
Fontana, California
11AM Why You Shouldn't Envy Your Colleagues With Kids
Frazzled coworker who brought her kids to work for lunch: If you touch your sister again I'm going to break all of your fingers off.
Son: Awwww, but I need all my fingers!
Palm Desert, California
10AM The Cat's Already Out of the Bag, So to Speak
Writer, standing in doorway: You've got a lot of cat stuff in here now.
Designer: I was thinking that. It's kind of creepy. Seems like I might be gay, or some kind of weirdo loner who talks to his cat all the time.
Writer: Well, at least it's not saying things about you people don't already know.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel Durand
9AM Perhaps You're Not Cut Out for a Career in the Donut Sciences
Store manager: You don't want to get this bitter and angry from having this obsession over counting your holes!
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: it's true, I don't
5PM So Drive Around That Girl Scout Troop
Photographer: Well, you don't want to get blood all over your car...
Newspaper
Delaware
4PM Tough Talk for a Guy With Barrettes in His Chest Hair
Front desk agent: Oh, I forgot. I am Jack Martin*. I am too masculine and my chest is too hairy to let your dainty, girl hands touch my project.
Austin, Texas
3PM Sally Struthers Should Be Out Raising Money for My Saggy Glutes
Blonde: Oh my god, I had the most terrible dream last night!
Distracted-looking friend: Oh, really? What happened?
Blonde: I dreamed that someone told me I could only have one of the plastic surgeries I wanted! I almost cried! (entire elevator stifles laughter) No, really, why are you laughing? It was horrible!
Rome
Italy
Overheard by: struggling to keep a straight face
2PM Is This Like When You Said "I Do Not Want a Surprise Party"?
Loudest woman in the office on phone: I do not want chow mein. Can you hear me now? I do not want chow mein.
Burbank, California
1PM Hook Her on Baby Animals in Hilarious Scenarios!
PR Male: Why are you sending the reporter these pictures?
PR Female: I'm just trying to hook her.
PR Male: What?
Wilmington, Delaware
12PM The You-Can-Live-to-Be-Sixty Diet
40-something editor: Lunch? These youngsters are weak! Didn't you used to get through 15 hours on coffee and nicotine alone?
60-something editor-in-chief: And whiskey!
West Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: I prefer Red Bull and Natty Boh
11AM My Father Always Told Me It Was Sex with a Prostitute
Employee looking at a catalogue: What's the difference between a guy and a man?
Perplexed boss: Is this a trick question?
Post Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: I still can't tell the difference
10AM A Cautionary Tale About Hiring People Who Sound Like Robots
Receptionist: Cindy's at lunch. I can give you her voice mail.
Woman on phone: Oh...is this her voice mail?
Receptionist (after long, disbelieving pause): One...moment...
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Norman Bates Is Still Working Out His Mom Issues
Manager on phone, walking out of back office: Shut up! Just shut up! Jesus Christ! (hangs up phone).
(scared clerk is dead silent)
Manager: What? She's a bitch!
(phone rings)
Customer: Did I walk in on something?
Manager (calmly): Go to hell, mom. (angrily) I said go to hell! Die, bitch, die! (hangs up phone)
Scared clerk: You walked in on every day at this place. (shudders)
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
5PM But She Stopped As Soon As I Called It That.
Gossipy receptionist: ...and then she rode the wiener mobile.
Erie, Pennsylvania
4PM Not the Erotic Candy Store, Like Last Year
HR woman at benefits meeting: If you fill out this online survey you will receive a $50 gift card.
Woman employee: So what's the gift card good for?
HR woman: It's good for... Dicks...
(another woman employee starts laughing out loud)
HR woman: I meant "Dick's Sporting Goods."
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Guy in the crowd
3PM That's One Scavenger Hunt Item Out of the Way
Frat boy to another who is wiping something off his shoe: At least you stepped in dog shit!
Walking into Bobby Bowden Stadium in Tallahassee for FSU/NC State football game.
2PM Until the Day He Gets the Shaft
Coworker #1 to vendor carrying box out door: Dick, are you coming back in?
Coworker #2: That's what he does, he comes in, he goes out, he comes in, he goes out, all day long.
Coworker #3: Don't you think that gets old after a while?
Coworker #2: What? I'm telling the truth. Dick comes in, dick goes out, he comes in and goes out.
Coworker #1: What grade are you in? Third?
Coworker #2: I wasn't saying anything that wasn't true. It's not my fault you guys have dirty minds. Dick comes in and goes out a lot, all day long.
Connecticut
Overheard by: omfg, he's so annoying
1PM Ten Bucks Says the Planets Were Misaligned When She Was Born
Little Turkish woman: Since when is September considered part of summer? I mean, years ago, September was considered fall!
Office grunt: Well, technically, fall just began this past week with the autumnal equinox and...
Little Turkish woman (interrupting): I don't believe in astrology. Damn, it is hot out!
Brookline, Massachusetts
Overheard by: She blinded me with science
12PM Why Kids Smoke Pot
Loud mother, entering lingerie department holding hand of 11-year-old daughter: Can you tell me where your smallest training bras are? And I mean the smallest!
Chestnut Hill Macy's
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM It's One Big Fraternity Party Over There
Office guy #1: So I heard that people in China are naming their kids after both parents, cause there are a lot of Wangs in china.
Office guy #2: Wow... That is a lot of Wang.
Toronto
Canadia
10AM Presenting, the World's Smelliest Lock-Box
HR clerk to room full of tech guys: Hey guys, the men's restroom is going to be closed for a while. The plumber is here.
Senior tech guy: Okay. Our loads are secure.
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM Supporting Our Troops' Drinking Is the Most Important Thing Right Now
Soldier #1: Sir, are you going to do anything while on leave?
Lieutenant, sitting in the one shady spot in the blazing heat: Yeah, I think me and my cousin are going to get some fuckin beers, get all smashed, go out and get tattoos. It's gonna be cool shit. Grab some brews, bitches...way cool.
Soldier #2, walking up: Yeah? Are you going to get a tattoo of a penis on your forehead, dickhead?
(shocked silence)
Lieutenant (thoughtful): Naw...fuck that.
Iraq
Overheard by: TK- soldier#3 almost peed stopping from laughing
5PM ...Until I Learned Proper Grooming Habits
Female office worker, while eating trail mix: Man, all these nuts are making my throat itchy.
Male coworker, excitedly: That's what she said!
Baltimore, Maryland
4PM Explains Why I Get a Chill Whenever I See Susan Sarandon
Woman #1: Mandy received her first Precious Moments figurine.
Woman #2: I hate Precious Moments. They steal your soul while you sleep, that's why their eyes are so big.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
3PM In Unrelated News, Our CEO Just Got a $100 Million Golden Parachute
Division manager, addressing 200-member division: As part of the new policy, employees will not be allowed to carry over vacation days to next year.
District manager: Could I use days I have left in the first week of January?
Voice from speakerphone: That's next year, asshole!
(stunned silence)
Morristown, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jack Satan
2PM Which I Saw at a Carnival Once
Guy reading note: That's his handwriting? It looks like a retarded fourth grader writing with his left foot.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Guy Who Does His Hair at Work
1PM I've Even Learned How to Make It Shoot Confetti
Communications manager: He said your box is boring.
Graphics designer: He said my box is what?
Webmaster: You have a boring box?
Graphics designer: I've never had complaints before.
Sensual Products Office
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: sensual products copywriter
12PM Two-- I Only Count the Happy Years
Coworker #1: So what are you doing this weekend?
Coworker #2: My wife and I are celebrating our 23rd anniversary.
Coworker #1: So how long have you guys been married?
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: huh?
11AM Tomorrow We'll Work on Buttons
Boss to new sales rep: And here is your laptop with the carrying case. The computer just goes in the bag like this and then you use the Velcro straps to strap it in. You're familiar with Velcro, right? You just push the two sides together and... (proceeds to demonstrate)
Norcross, Georgia
10AM To Go With My Car-Shopping Outfit
Office bimbette #1: So, I bought a new car last night and I didn't need a guy to help me pick it out or make the deal or anything.
Office bimbette #2: For reals? What kind did of car did you get?
Office bimbette #1: A blue one.
California Street
San Francisco, California
9AM I'm Thinking About Deleting Him
Woman #1, hanging up after talking to boyfriend: What a dummy. He said that the internet isn't working at home because he deleted the modem or something, I wasn't really listening. God, boys are so stupid.
Woman #2: Seriously.
Loveland, Colorado
5PM You Know Some Men Would Pay You for That?
Laura: I guess a part of me could maybe like a baby.
Steph: Not a big part!
Laura: Well, no shit!
Steph: I guess it could be kinda fun...to have someone to take shopping and spank and stuff.
Laura: What a good reason to have a baby--to have someone to spank. Thinking about this gives me anxiety.
Steph: I know, I can't breathe.
Tallahassee, Florida
4PM Like a Programmer Even Knows What That Means?
(director of sales and marketing flips off female programmer)
Female programmer: Don't even finger me!
(rampant laughter)
Keene, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Monkey
3PM Hey, We Have a Heritage, We Don't Have to Memorize It
Man on phone: You should be in Boston, that's where Ben Franklin is from! The second President is from Boston!
Springfield, Massachusetts
2PM I Believe I'll Eat at My Desk Today
Accounting girl, walking into the lunchroom: Hey, it smells really good in here!
Project manager: Yeah that's cause I farted.
Calgary
Canadia
1PM Which Is Why They Leave Glitter in It
Coworker making lunch plans on the phone: Tell him not to get his hair cut til after lunch. Strippers don't care what your hair looks like!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: B-rabbit
12PM Since It Turned Out They Were the Dog's Hearworm Pills
Cube dweller #1: How was your weekend?
Cube dweller #2: It was good! I went to the movies... Oh, and my mom said I could stop taking the medication she gave me.
Chicago, Illinois
11AM One Fad That Just Refuses to Pass
Male coworker to younger female coworker: Wanna babysit tonight so I can go out?
Female coworker: God no, why don't you have a list of teenagers? Where do you live?
Male coworker: All the teenagers are busy...I live in Kent.
Female coworker: Oh well...all the teenagers in Kent already have kids.
Male coworker: Good point.
Kent, Washington
Overheard by: Amy
10AM Don't I Get Enough Of That at Home?
Fat bank manager: I need to leave a deposit right on your lap.
Hot teller: Oh, dear lord.
Fifth Third Bank
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM Just When You Were Starting to Expect More from Virginia...
Server girl (about black guy in pink shirt): Wow, look at that pink shirt that guy's wearing!
Server boy: What about it? I think it looks kinda cool.
Server girl: But who would wear that?
Server boy: That guy obviously.
Server girl: Okay, you're right, it's okay on him...but on a person?
Server boy: That's fucked up.
Restaurant
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Overheard by: server thenn, idiot now
5PM Conversation's About the Journey, Not the Destination
Office mate (confused after not getting the whole story): You paraphrase like a boy. We're girls, we want to hear the truth.
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
4PM Both Equally Likely During Our Staff Meetings
Colleague #1: I wish it had been killer badgers.
Colleague #2: It's always badgers with you, isn't it? Badgers, or sex.
Digbeth
Birmingham
England
Overheard by: editorialgirl
3PM Playing "Duck, Duck, Goose" Is Getting Old
Store employee on break to another: So I was like, "let's pretend we live on an oil rig and have known each other for the past 15 years!"
Toronto
Canadia
2PM Oh, You Wanna Go There, Fishy McFisherson?
Woman to guy on other side of cube: Michael!
Michael (standing and looking over cube at her): What?
Woman: Nothing. I smelled something bad and thought it might be you.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Cubinator
1PM I Got My Medicine in Ten Minutes But I Was Just Too Mesmerized to Leave
Customer #1 (sitting in waiting area waiting for prescription for 40 minutes): (cough cough hack hack wheeze)
Customer #2: Oh, you sound awful, I hope you haven't been waiting long.
Customer #1: I've been here for almost an hour watching the dance of the dipshits that's going on behind the counter.
Customer #2: There's entertainment now?
CVS Pharmacy
Hamilton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Currrly!
12PM Hear Them Howling Outside My Window?
Dean: I'm like catnip to women over 80!
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: meow?
11AM What? It's on Your Resume, Ashley
Boss: I have a date tonight!
Sales girl: Just show lots of cleavage. That's what I do, and my dates always go well.
Boss: That's because you're a whore.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: The new guy
10AM Awww...Thank You!
Gay 20-something coworker, to female 20-something coworker, eyeing coworker's blackberry: You know, with you having that phone, I'd think you were a professional...until you opened your mouth.
University of California
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: venusflesh
9AM Did I Sound Like a Big, Angry Guy or a Soft-Spoken Lad with a British Accent?
Cube-dweller (on phone): Thank you for calling
Customer: Can I speak to Charles, please?
Cube-dweller: Speaking.
Customer: Oh, I thought you said you were Andy?
Cube-dweller: Yes.
Customer: So...you're Andy and Charles?
Cube-dweller: Yes.
Customer: Okay... Well, I'm returning your call.
Winnipeg
Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: Andy. I mean, Charles.
5PM Dear Diary--Talked to Diana Today. We Have So Much in Common!
Male supervisor: So pretty much I think I'm not going to eat before I do it anymore.
Female supervisor: I agree, I never have sex after I eat: that's why if you take me out to dinner you can pretty much guarantee I won't put out! I mean, I might get a cramp.
Lakeport, California
4PM "Baby Beluga"? Really?
Exec to another: This song makes me feel like I should be fingerbanging a hillbilly.
Emeryville, California
3PM See You in the Bathroom in Five Minutes?
Black cube rat (comparing voter registration cards): Yours is much better than mine.
White cube rat: But yours is colored.
Black cube rat: Yours is thicker.
(pause)
White cube rat: Let's just not talk for the rest of the day.
Black cube rat: I, uh, gotta go.
Washington, DC
2PM Every Banjo Song Sounds Like "Dueling Banjos"
Proofreader, warily: Your "Cat Peed on my Banjo" song sounds suspiciously like "Dueling Banjos"!
Washington, DC
1PM And, Um, I Believe That Paper Gown Violates Dress Code, Mister
Employee with cancer: I'm bringing these files back.
Account executive: What...they don't allow files at the hospice?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Alia
12PM Because Otherwise We'll Have Six More Weeks of Winter
Quiet female coworker: I hope my placenta's huge!
Downtown Albany, New York
Overheard by: Oddly enough, I don't
11AM And What's a "Foot"?
Girl: My mom dropped a plate and it shattered all over the floor and she cut her foot pretty bad. I was cleaning up the pieces...
Guy: Was it a paper plate?
(girl stares at him)
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: And he's not even blonde...
10AM Doesn't Take Much for a Man to Forget His Wedding Vows
Male coworker, looking at new office desk: That's a really sturdy desk.
Female coworker: Yeah, you could totally do it on that desk.
Male coworker (pausing): Wow, that's kind of awesome that you said that.
Santa Barbara, California
9AM Jeez, No Wonder Campaign Finance Reform Is So Hard
Woman on phone with client: Let me put this to you another way: you pay for four hours with a whore. You buy her a catsuit. At the end of that time, you don't own the whore. You may still retain the catsuit but what good will that do you, since you're a 45-year-old balding fat guy? You might as well leave the catsuit with the whore.
Defense Contractor
Andover, Massachusetts
5PM Yeah, You Wish That Was a Metaphor
Boss: We're going to have to stroke his penis.
Downtown Brooklyn
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Miss Blige
4PM How to Start an Argument in Pennsylvania
Guy in next cube: In my opinion, a chimney is no place to raise a family.
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: ReRo
3PM Is He the Same One Whose Stomach Exploded from Pop Rocks and Soda?
Chubby secretary: So, my friend from college was roommates with this guy who went to high school with this girl whose brother was eaten by Jeffrey Dahmer!
Friend: Oh my god! You could have been killed!
Tampa, Florida
2PM Remember That Time I Pulled Out a Baby?
Coworker, ranting about the office copier: Guess what I have to do in five minutes. Get a "training" session on the 250 from Bob. Yeah, I know. If the 250 were a person, I would be its gynecologist, I know it so well! I have been into its regions and back, retrieving jammed paper!
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Living for Friday
1PM Always Playing the Race Car
Worker #1: Does anyone know who owns the black Civic out front?
Worker #2: Why's it gotta be a black Civic? Why can't it just be a civic?
Redmond, Washington
12PM Bratwurst Stories Would Never Approach the Popularity of Taxicab Confessions
Hot Asian: Why do we have to talk about war shit? Why not talk about our bratwurst stories? I had one with my dad at the county stadium when I was eleven - it was great!
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: ncarch
11AM In Totally Unrelated News, Burrito Party at Ted's Next Week!
Worker bee #1: Hey, have you ever been at your buddies' house and really had to fart, but you didn't want to so you held it in for the longest time, but then you finally had to let it go, and just as you do his mom walks down the stairs?
Worker bee #2: I really have no idea what to say to that.
Worker bee #1: Yeah, it's never happened to me either, though I guess it's only a matter of time.
Lethbridge
Alberta
Canadia
10AM The Rest of Us Have to Make Do With Circular References
Marketing manager to call center manager: The numbers you provided me on this spreadsheet don't add up.
Call center manager: Numbers only add up in a perfect world.
Sudbury
Ontario
Canadia
9AM Now That Lent's Over
Cube rat: I enjoy a good stapler.
Manhattan, New York
5PM Madre De Dios--the Legends Are True!
Guy to librarian: So, I heard y'all umm...loan books here?
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: Club Strozier
4PM Uh Huh
Crazy female VP: So, who are you voting for in the election?
Unassuming employee: Obama.
Crazy female VP: Oh, really? I'm voting McCain.
Unassuming employee: Uh huh.
Crazy female VP: But, you know...I don't even see Obama as a black man.
Rockefeller Plaza
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Blonde Leading The Blind
3PM I Used to Call Them "The G Spot," But Everyone on Staff Got Confused
Male receptionist: I like to listen to Warren G when I'm doing a cryptorchid neuter.
Female receptionist: Why's that?
Male receptionist: Because he lets his nuts hang.
Veterinary Hospital
New York City, New York
2PM Presenting the Year's Best Adult Film Title
Executive assistant: So I'm going to a different lab this time, so I don't get the bitchy Nazi titty tech.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: grabbed mine and kept on walking
1PM I Think You Look Lovely, Stan.
Coworker #1 (looking in the mirror): Did you notice that I was wearing blue eyeshadow today?
Coworker #2: No, I didn't.
Coworker #1: Thought it would bring out my blue eyes, but it just makes me look like a whore...
Addison, Texas
Overheard by: emily
12PM Ten-Million-Dollar Discrimination Suits Start Out Innocently Enough
Manager: We really need to work on proper pronunciation on the phones. We really hear a lot of this, and it definitely needs to be improved. For instance: How do you say a-s-k? Anyone? (pause) You say "ask" not "axed"!
Employee: Well, who say dat?
Wayne, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: office grunt #12
11AM On the Other Hand, I'd Love to Be on Top of Old Smoky
Cube dweller #1: I heard Obama smokes! I wouldn't want someone who smokes in the White House!
Cube dweller #2: But you smoke!
Cube dweller #1: It's just so irresponsible!
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: just a temp
10AM Especially If You Smoke Pot and Watch C-SPAN
Proofreader: It happens. You talk to each other long enough and eventually you're going to start talking about corpse puppets.
Washington, DC
9AM We'll Be Doing a Demonstration, Followed by a Brief Q&A
Office manager (over the intercom): Whoever had a problem with the new toilet, please report to the bathroom at this time.
Warner Robins, Georgia
Overheard by: I just work here.
5PM It Was Already Occupied
Female peon to supervisor: I'm going to get us a room, but you said you wanted to do it in your office!
5th Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Miz Met
4PM In Hindsight, It's Easy to See Where Things Started to Unravel
Event planner: Don't you think we should have background music?
Manager: That would be too expensive.
Event planner: What about just one person playing a harp?
Manager: Do you know someone?
Event planner: Yeah. I know a harpoonist.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Tim
3PM You Really Rock Those Jorts
Plumber: Do you know how many times I have worn pants this year?
Project manager: Probably not many.
Olympic Peninsula, Washington
2PM I Was Like, "Nothing to See Here, Pal-- Mooove Along!"
Pregnant lady (annoyed): So he said "Hey, you look nice today," but I told him it's just the milk in my breasts.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Really? You're talking about that at work?
1PM He Was Mugged On the Way Back to His Cube
Coworker (exchanging his stapler for absent coworker's stapler): My stapler is broken.
Intern: You're bad! Bad!
Coworker: Muahahaha! I am eeeevil!
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Hiding my stapler
12PM Turns Out That's Not a Male Porn Star
Girl in cubicle: I feel so professional today... I just googled Dow Jones.
Research Triangle Park
Durham, Raleigh
11AM ...Which Is Why He Walks Like That
Coworker showing visitor around office: And this is Dave*, he's the big cojones around here.
New York City, New York
10AM I'm Scared of the Conscience-Suppressors
Peon: I'm not on nearly enough medications to be a lawyer.
Kanata
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: not a lawyer
9AM Just Wait 'Til She Learns the Third Primary Color
Boss, singing: Blue and yellow! Yellow and blue! Blueeee! Yelloooooow!
Employee: Here she goes again.
Reston, Virginia
Overheard by: Carly
5PM Yeah, This Job Is Really a Drag
Male office drone #1: I was just talking to a bunch of people and I realized afterwards that I had ChapStick all over my face. That's just great.
Male office drone #2: The same thing happens to me, except with lipstick.
Mesa, Arizona
4PM And Now She's Laying Eggs
Boss: This Chinese guy stroked my turtle.
Edmonton
Canadia
3PM Tonight, on No-Context Theatre...
Manager: I've got it up. I just don't know how to use it.
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
2PM ...My Child-Support Payments and Was Sent to Jail
Boss: This tastes like ass.
Worker: How do you know what ass tastes like?
Boss: Because I was drunk and missed.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
1PM Don't Practice Law Without It
Worker #1: I mean, I just want to tell them I can't make them feel better. *Bob* can't make them feel better. *Katrina* can't make them feel better. Their doctors can't make them feel better.
Worker #2: No, that's what the oxycodone is for.
Law Office
Northern California
12PM So You've All Been Issued Rubber Gloves, Toothpicks, and Journals
Manager: You have to check your poop everyday in case you get a disease.
Starbucks
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Muffin
11AM Bethany Always Makes Prank Phone Calls in Person
Customer: I have a question about something that's not pictured on your website. Can you describe it?
Coworker: (stares at her blankly)
Portland, Oregon
10AM Followed By a 1 PM Heroin Appointment
Engineer: Welcome back. It's 2 pm. Where have you been?
Senior project surveyor: Oh, I had to go out drinkin'.
New Cumberland, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: teh intern
9AM Which Is Anything Involving Science
Engineer #1: July 21st--is that the equinox or the solstice? I always get the two mixed up.
Engineer #2 (home-schooled): I dunno... I don't know anything about that satanic stuff.
Mississippi
5PM Her Name Is RuPaul
Client with sick dog: I need to see the veterinarian on duty because my dog isn't feeling well.
Veterinarian receptionist: Is your dog a male or female?
Client with sick dog: She's a male.
Wooster, Ohio
Overheard by: netty
4PM You'd Be Excited, Too, If You'd Been Changing Diapers for Ten Years
Receptionist on phone: Hey, little man! Did you go pee pee on the potty? (announcing to office) He peed on the potty!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM I Told You to Stop Fiddling Around Down There
Manager: I left it sticking out. Just tuck it back in and he'll never know we were in his drawers.
Burbank, California
Overheard by: urzzz
2PM So I Had to Go Out and Kill a Hobo
Coworker to another, walking through office: I had a Kirk Cameron craving, it was very odd...
Los Angeles, California
1PM Not to Mention How Our Company Softball Team Will Suffer
Man: Wow, I still can't believe they're laying off so many people. It's going to be really sad.
Woman: Yeah! Just think how little our potluck days are gonna be!
Green Bay, Wisconsin
12PM You Wacky Brits Pickle Everything
Female teacher to male teacher: Aw, you're such a gentleman! When you die we're going to pickle you and put you in the corner and label you "the last gentleman."
Arts and Humanities Dept
Bexhill College
England
Overheard by: Corinne
11AM Good Thing That's Second in Importance to WoW
Nerd #1: You need to stop playing that damn game. It's horrible. Look at yourself!
Nerd #2: Look. You can get on me all you want about World of Warcraft, but at least it's not Scientology!
Nerd #1 (looking nonplussed ): You mean to tell me that's your excuse for why World of Warcraft is acceptable!? Are you kidding me?
Nerd #2: Hmmmm, I suck at life.
Orange, California
10AM If You Accidentally Move the Heavens and Make That Happen
Long-haired guitar dude to customer: Sometimes it's because the neck is warped. That can happen if you leave it out in the sun all night.
Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: realized it 5 minutes later
9AM Oompa-Loompas Kept Hitting on Me
Female coworker: I used to spray tan, but they make you orange and then you smell like Chinese food.
Male coworker: Good Chinese food or bad Chinese food?
Female coworker: Not the good kind. And then it gets all dark in the creases, and you get jaundiced knees...
Male coworker: Just what every man wants...the munchies and a sickly white woman.
Female coworker: I wanted to look Italian.
Male coworker: But instead you wound up with jaundice, smelling like Chinese food.
Plaza VII
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Hungry now
5PM ...Bong Water
Check-out clerk: How are you doing today?
Customer: I'm good, how are you doing?
Check-out clerk: My stomach hurts. Too much drinking.
Woodinville, Washington
Overheard by: Can sympathize
4PM Who'd Want a Woman When Goddesses Walk the Earth?
Female art director, watching male creatives gawking at models: They're just human.
Male copywriter: They're not human! Take that back!
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Lucy
3PM Or Is There a Silent "H"?
VP: How do you spell "only"? Is it o-w-n-l-y?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: the man has 3 degrees
2PM And I Think the Hairy Mole Is Rather Jaunty
Coworker #1 (checking out woman who just entered office): Damn, that bitch is ugleeee. Yikes!
Coworker #2: Hey, you jerk! That's my mom!
New York City, New York
Overheard by: agreeing with co-worker #1
1PM What? It's 1973, Right?
Boutique girl #1: We could go out to Dexter's after work, but there's a Beatles cover band there tonight.
Boutique girl #2: Ugh! Yeah? Oh well...
Boutique girl #3: I don't even know any of their new albums.
New Jersey
12PM Mr. Kilmer's Rep Was Having Surgery to Locate His Heart and Couldn't Comment
Manager of TV company: I like Val Kilmer but his rep can kiss both sides of my ass.
Burbank, California
11AM The Lost Stanza to This Land Is Your Land
Work bee, complaining about wife's: So I said, "Babe, we live in this country for two reasons, breakfast food and good toilet paper."
Colorado
Overheard by: shaine
10AM And Grandpa Went Through Just Fine with the Platinum Cock-Ring
Woman: I CC'd my daughter on it and she wrote back. What grandma is trying to say is that you won't get through security dressed like that. But, apparently, the dog collar is already gone because he was allergic to it.
Alexandria, Virginia
9AM Often Happens When There's Pot Involved
Facilities manager, explaining a construction delay: So the erectors didn't come...
Carmel, Indiana
Overheard by: ass chaps
5PM Hey, What Happens on the Holodeck, Stays on the Holodeck
Tech dude #1: So I told him to stop putting dirt in my hole.
Tech dude #2: Uh...that makes me uncomfortable.
Dallas, Texas
4PM But, Today, Filing Is Your Destiny
Older strange employee to new employee: 200 years ago you would have made a great warrior.
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
3PM Sure, They're Crocs. But Baby Steps
Judge to clerk: Hey, you got shoes on. You're first class today!
Oakdale, Louisiana
2PM I'll Be in the Conference Room with Scented Candles
Manager: Where's Mike Love's file? I need Love by 9 o'clock!
Richmond, Virginia
1PM Here, Use My Crayola
Office worker: Leslie, before you leave, let me see if I have anything for you to sign.
Leslie: You know I'm signatorially challenged.
A&M University
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
12PM When a Pipe-Layer Came to the Office, They Had Fun for Weeks
Ditzy office peon looking at pregnant celebrity in magazine: It looks like she's wearing one of those sha...sha-long things, ya know, that you carry a baby in.
Girl: Don't you mean "sarong"?
Male office peon: Hahaha you said "shlong"!
Central Avenue
Wood Dale, Illinois
11AM The New Summer's Eve Commercials Dare to Be Explicit
Female coworker holding wooden box: My box smells a lot like smoked fish.
Parnell
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: Gus
10AM Perhaps We Shouldn't Have Taped That $100 Bill to the Ceiling
Office peon #1: I think it might be a wobble.
Office peon #2: A wobble? On the toilet?!
Office peon #1: A wobble.
Office peon #2: Well, who's jumping up and down on it?
San Diego, California
Overheard by: No idea what they were talking about
9AM It's 12:01 AM...
Staff member (to the radio): Okay, it's too late for Kenny G. You've gotta get Kenny G off the radio. Kenny G should only be played during the day. It's too late in the day for Kenny G.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: music snob
5PM Face It, You're Just Selfish
Boss, about molding: I am better at injection than I am at blow.
Cincinnati, Ohio
4PM Enroll It in Law School
Suit to another: You don't have to suck my dick. Just put some pressure on it...
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: Thoroughly Amused and Confused
3PM Why She Makes Terrible Mashed Potatoes
Office manager to female coworker: It doesn't matter what it looks like, as long as it's hard.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Oh no she didn't
2PM But a Lot of People Feel That Way About Communism
Boss: So when it works, does it work?
CTO: When it's working, it should work.
Boss: Good, because if it didn't work when it worked that just wouldn't work.
Houston, Texas
1PM Do Other People Have to Be Able to See Them?
Student: So how many participants will I need to use?
Acting Pro-Vice-Chancellor: So you could just use eight friends.
Student: Oh. Okay. Really?
Acting Pro-Vice-Chancellor: Do you have eight friends?
Otago University
New Zealand
Overheard by: he's my supervisor too...
12PM Where Do You Think Seventh Heaven Gets Its Audience?
Coworker #1: What's a lobotomy?
Coworker #2: It's when they do a brain transplant.
Coworker #1: They do that?
Coworker #2: I hear they aren't very successful...
Portland, Oregon
11AM Just Don't Ask Me How to Get to Sesame Street
CSR girl: C-s-z.
Accounting girl: C-s-b?
CSR girl: No, "z"! "Z!" Like, um..."xylophone."
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
10AM Nah, Just Positive Reinforcement from My Wife
Executive, reading underling's shirt: "World's coolest dad" ...your kids buy that for you?
Orchard Park, New York
9AM How Very European of You, Sir
Boss to secretary: I think we need to have this copy machine looked at.
Secretary: Is something wrong?
Boss: It's stapling things on the bottom instead of the top.
Los Angeles, California
5PM I Found Myself Strangely Drawn to You
Man #1: Your hair's much longer than last time I saw you.
Man #2: I accidentally shaved too close and kept going.
Woman: Yeah, it was really short then...like serial killer hair.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM Wendell Begins to Regret Starting the Conversation
Worker #1: So I spent most of the weekend in the bathroom.
Worker #2: Oh, partying too much?
Worker #1: No, problem with the other end.
Worker #2: Oh, sounds like someone had a case of faucet ass.
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: Not suffering from it
3PM A Problem Never Before Reported to OITO
Architect: There's too much...there are too many people thinking around here.
Charlottesville, Virginia
2PM Victor Borge: I Spit on You!
Help desk: Thank you for calling, this is SUU, how can I help you?
Ditzy caller: Yeah...hi, I'm having problems with your website. Whenever I enter my employment in this field it kicks back a scary warning and says invalid characters.
Help desk: Okay, we're having a bit of a glitch with that, so just go ahead and remove all of the punctuation, then it should go through no problem.
Ditzy caller: Punctuation? You mean like capital words?
Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Ang
1PM Why the President Stopped Conducting His Own Transactions
Customer: I need to send an international wire transfer for 1,000 euros please.
Teller: Okay, let me check...yeah, we can do that. How much is that in money?
Customer: Excuse me?
Teller: How much is that in money?
Customer: Do you mean how much is it in US dollars?
Teller: Yeah, how much is it in money?
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Currency Expert
12PM Just to Be Safe, I Better Buy a Backup TV
Coworker: Bon jovi's on American Idol?! Good god, this calls for a new pack of batteries and the tv on in the bedroom!
Portland, Oregon
11AM So the Baby's Coming UPS
New mommy: So when's your baby due?
Pregnant lady: The doctor said I may have to have a c-section as my public bone isn't big enough for normal delivery.
Brentwood, Tennessee
10AM This Conversation Could Be an Entire Movie in England
Person #1: Where are you going?
Person #2: To the elevator.
Person #1: Why are you going that way?
Person #2: Because that is the way I know.
Person #1: You are so British.
Office
New York City, New York
9AM Hey, They Expect to Be Micromanaged
Female boss, yelling to male coworker down the hall: Is he going to wear his shirt, Mark?
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Christine
5PM A New Twist on the Old Quarter-Out-the-Nose Trick.
Coworker #1: Well, do they exude toxins?
Coworker #2: I dunno.
Coworker #1: The doctor had her block off one nostril and it shot right out. Just like CPR!
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: Does this end with monkeys again?
4PM And Rearranges Whatever's Left
Lady on phone: Well, you know...surgery really takes something out of you.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Bearphan
3PM Did It Rob a Convenience Store?
Cute chick holding up water bottle: Has this water gone bad?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: only cause i peed in it
2PM And Writing Haikus and Shit
Employee #1: I really want to learn Italian.
Employee #2: You should just go to Milan for the weekend! And then you'll come back and be all, merci beaucoup!
Manhattan
New York City, New York
1PM Like a Cruise Ship?
Sales rep #1: How do you spell "Pacific"?
Sales rep #2: Huh?
Sales rep #1: You know, if I'm talking about something in Pacific...
Commodore Street
Rockingham
Australia
Overheard by: David
12PM Alternatively, We Could Make Salad Dressing
Female coworker, talking about the new waterless urinal installed: I don't understand how it's not gonna smell if you pee in there and no water washes it out.
Male coworker: There's oil in there that rises to the top and keeps the smell from coming back out. I'm about to go try it. Wanna watch?
Manchester, Connecticut
11AM Can't Explain. Texting
Receptionist: What's a BlackBerry? Is that some kind of desert?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Stunned
10AM Unless It's One of Those Prairie Schooner Cruises
Woman: So, when people take an Alaskan Cruise, do they go to the west coast of Alaska?
Man: Yeah...I think so.
Chicago, Illinois
9AM You Did Say She Was Finger-Sniffin' Good
Employee to boss returning from lunch with wife: Excuse me, can I smell your fingers?
Frisco, Texas
5PM Therefore Doubly Exempt from Knowledge of Your Crappy Music
Older cube dweller: That was the title of a great Rascals song. Have you heard of The Rascals?
Younger cube dweller: No, I'm young. And foreign.
Troy, New York
4PM Don't Nocturnal If You Haven't Tried It
Ditzy member of upper management: No, it's not internal, it's out-ternal.
Schaumburg, Illinois
3PM But the Really Cool Ones Come Out With Sunglasses
First-time father of twins to female coworker: So, when do newborns open their eyes?
Coworker: Um...it's not like kittens, babies are born with their eyes open.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Dea at work
2PM Plus the $45 for the Cappucino Itself.
Paralegal #1: The partner just asked me to run to Starbucks because our client wanted a cappuccino.
Paralegal #2: Oh my god...they seriously made you get it for them? I would have refused.
Paralegal #1: I didn't want to go but the way I figure it, my time is billed at $120 an hour. That cappuccino just cost the client $50.
46th & 6th
New York City, New York
1PM She's a Little Bit Crunchy, But Just Sweet Enough.
Boss: Yes, and the other lady's name is "Glenola," like a Granola bar.
Caller: "Glenola"?
Boss: Yeah, she's the black one.
Sun City, Arizona
Overheard by: Mama en Fuego
12PM They Won't Even Let Us Order Shoestring Fries
Coworker #1: How did your project team get out of having to wear a tie every day?
Coworker #2: They took them away so we don't hang ourselves.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Company Slogan: We Turn Good Things Into Bad Things
Employee #1: I love Chex Mix so much I'd grind it up, stick it in an IV and mainline it.
Employee #2: I...well... (pauses in thought) You couldn't *freebase* it...
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
10AM Try the Baghdad Hilton
Salesgirl #1: Can you believe that shooting at the Montage Resort in Laguna Beach?
Salesgirl #2: Yeah, it's the front page of the LA Times.
Salesgirl #3: I could really use a weekend getaway...I wonder if they are doing a shooting death discount.
Venice, California
9AM It's the Lightest He's Been in Years
Man #1: How's your grandfather?
Man #2: Good. We were really lucky to see him.
Man #1: Yeah?
Man #2: Yeah. He had surgery to take out his colon.
Elevator, Park Ave
New York City, New York
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