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October 2008 Archives
5PM I Was Cold, but Now I Want Only to Hit You
Worker #1: Is anyone else in here cold?
Worker #2: Well I'm not warm...If that's what you mean.
Renton, Washington
4PM I Have Some in My Trunk
Fat old creepy guy interrupting three Asian girls: So how old is this guy?
Asian girl #1 (looking awkwardly at friends): 18.
Asian girl #2: Yeah. (laughs) She likes them young.
Fat old creepy guy: Oooh! (pause) You can train him! Get a collar and a leash and a big stick like the ones my kids use to whack their pigs!
Sacramento, California
3PM We're Not Paying You to Be Happy
Salesperson over intercom: Justin, will you please get out of the happiness place?
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: dolly
2PM The Ones I Hired an Hour Ago Are Already Exhausted
Receptionist on cell: We're going to have to make a special trip to New York, girl, because I need some new door knockers in my life, and you know I'm not going to find them around here.
Portland, Oregon
1PM This Is Just Like That Erin Brockovich Incident
Intern: I wish I could remember Matt Damon's name in Good Will Hunting...
Santa Fe Building
Denver, Colorado
12PM Like My Mother's Control Over Me
Sally*, stretching her leg after working out: It's tight and painful, yet it feels so good at the same time.
Tel Aviv
Israel
11AM Serves You Right for Ordering a "Whisper" of Anything
Employee returning from Starbucks: Your whisper of cinnamon may have turned into a dull roar.
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM It Turns the Whole Economy On
Senior partner: I was telling my secretary the other day, "You know what turns me on? You know what gets me hot? A woman with a job."
Senior associate: Well, I have one of those.
Senior partner: It really turns me on.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: praying that it's only a dream
9AM Next Time I'll Only Go to a Licensed Masseuse
Mailroom guy #1: Man, I like, dislocated two discs in my back.
Mailroom guy #2: Man, I like, dislocated two balls in my pants.
(person nearby laughs)
Mailroom guy #2: Don't laugh! It's true!
Sudbury
Ontario
Canadia
5PM I Just Hump the Armrest During Takeoff
Female coworker: I love Hawaii, been there four times already.
Male coworker: Oh, so you like to travel a lot?
Female coworker: No, I go to Hawaii to visit my sister, it's not like I'm a member of the mile high club or anything.
Long Island City, New York
Overheard by: oh no u didn't
4PM Making Him the Best Boss I Ever Had
Coworker: His problem is that he has two perfectly good legs attached to an asshole. He needs to have his legs removed so he can be a whole asshole.
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: very amused
3PM ...How Are You at Sharpening Pencils?
Admin assistant: Can you get us these things from Starbucks? (hands list to intern)
Intern: Yeah. (pauses, looks at list) This one says "no milk"...do you think that means fat free"?
Admin assistant: Uh...
W 45th
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Actually, it said 2 percent.
2PM Tiger Woods: You Ruined Golf for Me!
Lesbian #1: You should get a Subaru. Come on...join the club.
Lesbian #2: I don't really want a Subaru.
Angry straight coworker: Don't get a Subaru. Dude, you people take everything! First you take the rainbow. Now Subarus! What the fuck?
Richmond, California
Overheard by: B $
1PM As Immortalized in Who Unframed Eddie Rabbit?
Intern to resident artist: Is it "Helga's Pub" or "Helga's Lounge"?
Resident artist: It's "Helga's Pub." It stopped being a lounge when they took down the picture of Eddie Rabbit.
Broad Street
Augusta, Georgia
12PM The Two Types of Employees: Encapsulated
Dumb employee: See, the thing about putting oil and vinegar into a squeeze bottle is that you have to make a decision... You either get oil, or you get vinegar.
Smart employee: Shake it?
Dumb employee: Well...you made a fool out of me.
Port Washington, New York
Overheard by: Chenga
11AM And Everyone's Been Raving About Your Hard Candy
Coworker #1: You were looking for me earlier?
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah, I came down to see you earlier. I needed something to suck on.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM And Doesn't Make Me Leave Immediately After He's Done
Technically challenged lady #1: I like that IT guy. He doesn't just come in, stick it in and split. He actually takes the time to explain what he's doing.
Technically challenged lady #2: Yeah, I like him because tells me what goes in which hole.
San Antonio, Texas
9AM Better Known As Oh, the Nonsense You'll Believe!
20-something female coworker: Ooooh! Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Go! For real, ya'll, that's the best book ever written. Well...other than, like, the bible.
Charleston, South Carolina
5PM Opium Is Great!
Boss to intern: Why were you late today?
Intern: I was dreaming!
Midtown
New York City, New York
Overheard by: and he still got hired!?!
4PM Need to Impress Someone?
Coworker: Hey, does anyone have a dollar that I could borrow for an hour?
Houston, Texas
3PM I Mean, Just Look Around This Conference Room!
Manager: Why don't people blink when they're asleep?
Solihull
England
Overheard by: Peon
2PM Boys and Girls Are Just Wired Differently, Sweetie
Dad: So, I need a male audio cable and a video cable with two female connections on each end.
Eight-year-old: Daddy...I thought males and females were like boys and girls. I'm confused.
Dad: Um...don't worry about it.
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: SK
1PM Aren't You Supposed to Be Ordering the Wave Machine?
(squeaking noises are heard from the next cubicle)
Office bee #1: What is that?
Office bee #2: It's Jean. She's blowing up a beach ball.
Office bee #1: Oh, okay.
Glenview, Illinois
12PM Fine, But You Have to Clean Up the Goo This Time
Boss: I need you to work your superpowers for me.
Stunned office monkey: In the office?!
Argentia Road
Mississauga
Canadia
Overheard by: My superpower is top secret
11AM And Ask Her About Friday Night
French intern: Um, excuse me? What is "slut"?
Coworker: Heh...I would run that by your supervisor.
Watertown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Rachael
10AM I Think We All Remember What Happened at the Margarita Potato-Sack Race Last Year
Presenter: The activity we're going to do is called "me in a bag." Has anyone ever done "me in a bag"? Who's done "me in a bag"?
Greenwood Village, Colorado
9AM Not Ours, but It's Close
Office worker #1: Have you ever noticed that dog feet smell like popcorn?
Office worker #2: That is going to be my quote of the week!
Fairbanks, Alaska
Overheard by: nunyabidnizz
5PM Michael Jackson: My Doctors Say No
Office rat on office-wide intercom: Could you be any more Caucasian?
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
4PM Will You Still PDF Me in the Morning?
Male coworker to secretary at computer: Can you unzip something for me?
Easton Commons
Columbus, Ohio
3PM I'm Thinking the Shredder Is Full of It
Admin #1: I would really like to take a solid shit one of these days.
Admin #2: Mud butt?
Admin #1: Total.
Admin #2: Hmmmm.
Admin #2: More fiber is needed.
Admin #1: What has a lot of fiber in it?
Admin #2: I don't know...let me look.
Richfield, Minnesota
2PM Dude, T-Shirt-- and Never Speak to Me Again!
Male coworker to another: As a man, have you ever had your nipples get sore from your shirt rubbing on them?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Amelia
1PM Have You Been Browsing the Lane Bryant Website Again?
Coworker #1: I went to the black rodeo.
Coworker #2: Black rodeo?
Coworker #1: Yeah, all the cowboys are black.
Coworker #2: Ohhhhh...where was that?
Coworker #1: Alabama. They had mini cows.
Coworker #3: I think those are baby cows...calves.
Coworker #1: I thought they were premature big cows.
Coworker #3: What the fuck is a premature big cow?
Newspaper
Dallas, Texas
12PM Um, That's a Lima Bean
Loud female coworker to other: That's a foot?! I thought it was a penis!
Somerville, New Jersey
11AM That Insult's About You, Not Me
Cube worker #1: That's because you're gay.
Cube worker #2: "Gay" as in "happy"?
Cube worker #1: No, "gay" as in "Olympics"!
Twinsburg, Ohio
10AM Which We Should Get Out of the Hobbit of Doing
Orientation instructor: Well, yesterday we had a "team exercise" but it quickly spiraled into a Lord of the Rings scenario.
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Amy
9AM Worst. Apology. Ever
Visitor: Excuse me, receptionist? Do you mind getting me some coffee?
VP of sales: I'm sorry, I'm not the receptionist.
Visitor: Oh, I'm sorry...you look just like one.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Steals your good pens...
5PM I'm a Hologram
Warehouse guy: Where's David?
David, from his cubicle: Oh, they let him go, man. He's gone.
Warehouse guy: Uhhmm...
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM You Say That About Every No-Sale
Sales guy #1: He could be a tranny.
Sales guy #2: Dave*, you are a retard.
Sales guy #1: You don't know! He could be a tranny!
Bonner Springs, Kansas
3PM I Don't Know If a White Highlighter Will Work, Though
Coworker: I should ask Mary if I could trade my pink one for her white one.
Richardson, Texas
2PM Read and Heed, Ladies
Engineer #1: You don't want me designing that machine. Not even if I was the last man on earth.
Project manager: If you were the last man on earth, who would there be to ask you to design it?
Engineer #2: The last woman on earth?
Engineer #1: I definitely wouldn't do it then. No matter what I did, she would make me wrong. Fuck that!
Paterson, New Jersey
1PM We Probably Should Get an Apartment Together and a Little Dog
(coworker #1 launches stress ball at coworker #2)
Coworker #2: Good thing you throw like a girl.
Coworker #1: Ya know, you're like the opposite of United Way: you bring out the worst in me.
Coworker #1: I'm pretty sure that's not their motto.
Coworker #2: I'm pretty sure you're still fucking annoying. (waits a moment) Yep.
East Midtown
New York City, New York
Overheard by: The Temp
12PM Some Sort of Ick, Anyway
Office worker: I love throwing up! I'm dyslexic.
County Courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
11AM Oh, Get Your Minds Out of the Gutter
Project manager: So there's a naughty spot in the bowling alley?
Swiftwater, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: stop talking, start working please
10AM Monkey Business
Boss: Did you get the cream, Dana*?
Manager: Yes.
Boss: And the pants?
Manager: Uh uh!
Boss: Great, then I'm in business!
Oak Brook, Illinois
Overheard by: widgetoc
9AM And Can Tell You How Many Licks It Takes to Get to the Center Of a Tootsie Pop?
Blonde in next cubicle: It's especially sad when turtles get killed. I mean, aren't they like really wise and live for hundreds of years or something?
Toronto
Canadia
5PM One Hundred Dollars--- a Special Deal for You
Customer: What price tickets do you have available?
Call center rep: $70, $60, and $35.
Customer: Okay...(long pause) What tickets do you still have though?
Call center rep: Um...70 dollar tickets, 60 dollar tickets, and 35 dollar tickets.
Customer: Okay... (pause) But how much are the tickets that you have left?
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Kathy
4PM To Prove I'm the Alpha Male
Male coworker to another: I just couldn't pass up the chance to dominate you.
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Platinum
3PM Good for You, Maggie. Good for You.
Cube dweller: What's up, chest hair?
Office dweller with unbuttoned shirt: I don't *have* any chest hair...and I like it that way.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
2PM Or Is It Another Tailgate Party?
Customer: What's going on? Why are there a bunch of cop cars outside?
Bank teller: I don't know. (looks at other tellers) Are ya'll getting robbed?
Kleberg Street
Kingsville, Texas
1PM Perhaps a Half-Hearted Handshake
Black boss: I just found out I'm white!
White employee: Is there any way for me to properly respond to that?
Clearwater, Florida
Overheard by: Cube Dweller
12PM Barbara Bush Has a Similar Issue
Oldest employee: You know the structure of the company? Can you tell me who our President is?
Young employee: Your son.
Port Washington, New York
Overheard by: Chenga
11AM Inspector Gadget Doesn't Always Use His Powers for Good
Man in kitchenette: Don't worry! I can teabag from afar!
Adams Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Glad I drink Coffee
10AM Though I Believe "Douchebag" Was the Term He Used
IT guy #1: Christ, I'm retarded!
IT guy #2: I'm sure he's aware of that.
Waltham, Massachusetts
9AM If He Promises Not to Bogart the Spliff, Like Last Time
Indian developer to Russian-Jewish developer: When you're sitting with Jesus are you going to smoke dope?
State Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Brad
5PM Everyone Bring Their Trenchcoats?
Manager: Okay, are we all here? Good. Let's flash Tom*. (picks up the phone and hits the star button)
Confernce Room
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Work Is Better When You Don't Say Stupid Things in Anger
Camera guy to audio guy: It's zero! Zero is zero! You can't have more above zero than zero!
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
3PM The Customer Is Always Right
Customer: I don't know if I should get the two years subscription, I might not live that long.
Employee: How old are you?
Customer: 68.
Employee: Well, Tom*, that's a crapshoot.
Harrisburg, North Carolina
2PM Why Are You Looking at Me Like I'm Wearing a Paper Hat?
Programmer to manager: It's not wrong. It may not be in the format they were expecting, but it's not wrong.
Halifax
Nova Scotia
Canadia
1PM This Sort Of Thing Happens Before Lift-Off at NASA All the Time
Boss to office (about imminent website launch): Five minutes to go live!
Boss to sysadmin: Are you going to do anything?
Sysadmin to boss: I'm diabetic, I need a burrito.
Boss to office: Go live delayed for burrito.
Tucson, Arizona
12PM Same Thing He Does Every Night, Pinky
Puzzled teen: And I'm like... What is Jesus doing in my cheetos?
Hillsboro, Oregon
Overheard by: Beth
11AM ...Shit-- I Broke an Acrylic Nail.
Employee #1, looking at t-shirt designed by Daisy Fuentes with a spanish word printed on it: God, when did Daisy Fuentes become Spanish?
Employee #2: Hasn't she always been Spanish?
Employee #1: No! She thinks she's so cool she can just decide to be Spanish one day.
Employee #2: But her last name sounds Spanish.
Employee #1, pronouncing it wrong: Fuentes? Whatever, that isn't Spanish. She's so fake. God, I hate people that are fake.
Kohl's Department Store
Minnesota
Overheard by: Expect Great Things
10AM Guess You've Never Seen Rent, Alice
Male coworker: I have a date with a new woman this weekend.
Female coworker: Yeah? What's she like?
Male coworker: Sounds promising. She doesn't smoke. No kids. No pets.
Female coworker: You do realize that your endgame involves being this woman's boyfriend and not her landlord, don't you?
Lakewood, Colorado
9AM Bob Was Never Heard from Again
Office gal: So last night I learned that human skin is essentially an evolutionary trait that allowed us to run!
Office guy: Okay...
Office gal: Cause it has more sweat glands and less fur, which meant we didn't overheat when chasing down prey...
Office guy: Great. (turns to leave)
Office gal: Hey, where are you going?
Office guy: To the bathroom.
Office gal: Okay, but come back because I have more things to tell you about sweat!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
5PM So When You Said, "Katrina Was So Sad," I Shouldn't Have Sent a Sympathy Card?
Coworker: I hope that Gustav comes through and knocks the computers down for three days.
Blonde coworker: Oh yeah... Is that the new IT guy?
Coworker: Umm, no, that is the hurricane.
Houston, Texas
4PM Get My Baseball Bat
Coworker, waving arms in the air frantically: Ahhh! The kindergarteners are rioting!
Orem, Utah
Overheard by: Do what?
3PM The Perfect Job for People With Impulse Control Problems
Blonde cube dweller: I can't get this damn profile to load. Now my screen froze! Fuck this, I'll be a stripper!
Chelmsford, Massachusetts
2PM Second Star to the Right, and Straight on 'Til Morning?
Supervisor: Can you send this letter to The Netherlands?
Receptionist: Where's Neverland?
Old Town Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: i wish i could say this doesn't happen on a regular basis...
1PM The Rainbow-Flag Poncho Was Also a Tip-Off
Male coworker to female coworker: I like your shirt.
Female coworker: Thanks. It's new.
Male coworker: The ruching makes your boobs look really perky.
(awkward pause)
Male coworker: I guess now would be a good time to tell you I'm gay.
Female worker: Yeah, you had me at "ruching"
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: It's pretty obvious
12PM Smithers: Oh, Mr. Burns, Really!?
Sales manager: Do me a favor and go help that customer.
Employee: Can't I just touch you inappropriately and get sent home because I make you feel really uncomfortable?
Sales manager: Maybe if I thought there was some feeling behind it.
Chicago, Illinois
11AM I Don't Care That It's Humpday!
Agitated coworker with rage issues: Please don't mount my cube!
Old Port
Porland, Maine
10AM Or, Like, a Highchair...But Low!
Employee, looking at a lawn chair: It reminds me of a wheelchair...without wheels!
Kingston
Ontario
Canadia
9AM Huggy Bear: Get Over Here, Baby!
Tall, muscled naval officer: Is there a prostitute service where you can just buy a hug?
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Kaiti
5PM What the Song "Shake, Shake, Shake, Señora" Is Really About
(in the restroom)
Man #1: You wanna shake it for me when I'm done?
Man #2: What would your wife think?
Man #1: As long as it's not a woman, she doesn't care.
9th Avenue
New York City, New York
4PM No Fair-- You Started Without Me!
Coworker: Stephanie [the manager] isn't here, so we can say "taint" and "dirty sanchez" all we want!
Springfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Monika
3PM I See We Have Much to Teach One Another
Guy: Have you seen To Catch a Predator?
Girl: I've read To Kill a Mockingbird.
Savelli's
Knoxville, Tennessee
2PM From My Big Book Of Ways to Deal with Nosy Co-Workers
Worker: Hey, Cheryl*, do you know where the Tylenol is?
Receptionist: It should be under the fax machine. Do you have a headache?
Worker (nonchalantly): No, my balls really hurt today.
Receptionist (after long pause): Oh.
Omaha, Nebraska
1PM But When They Die, We Get Whole Meals!
Coworker #1: You know, Diana* is leaving to move to Austin.
Coworker #2 (bitter and disappointed): I hate it when people leave.
Coworker #3: Really? I like it because we get snacks.
Park Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Tell Me You Wouldn't Enjoy a Good Beanbagging
Girl: Don't do that.
Guy: Why? Oh, does it look like I'm giving the Beanie Baby a blow job?
Girl: (silence)
Guy: I'm okay with that.
Dallas, Texas
11AM Mama Is Not Going to Be Happy
Manager of maintenance staff, yelling to distant peons: Have you seen a bag with two turkey basters and a jar of vaseline?
Apartment Complex
Kansas City, Missouri
10AM The Best I Can Do Is Be Amish Via Fax
Phone rep to others at lunch table: I'm sorry, I just can't make myself a Mormon on the phone.
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: Project Manager
9AM It Was My Mom's Favorite, Too
Tech support #1: It is shatter proof, like pyrite.
Tech support #2: Have you ever dropped a dish?
Tech support #1: No, but I dropped a glass dong.
Call Center
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
5PM Um, That Was an Automated Message, Dude
CSR, after completing a phone call with customer: He just sounds strange on the phone. He's either foreign or from Canada. I don't know which.
Romulus, Michigan
4PM Sarah Palin's Original Platform in Alaska
Girl to coworker: I can't stop complaining, I'm a woman!
Hudson Street
New York City, New York
3PM Ever Have the Truth Just Jump Out Of Your Mouth?
Sales peon: You'll have to excuse my intelligence, sir.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: You're Excused
2PM These Are Just Two of My Favorite Things-- C'mon, Sing With Me!
Male worker #1: Would you do coke off of Lindsay Lohan's ass?
Male worker #2: What, like snort it out of her asshole? Yes.
SoHo
New York City, New York
1PM But Triumph the Insult Comic Just Laughed and Laughed
Woman with thick Chinese accent on phone: Poop!? Poop!? You poop on the floor!? How old are you?
Somerville, New Jersey
12PM Crime Goes Better With a Nice Dessert
Employee #1: I think you were aiding and abetting a felony.
Employee #2: Yay, it's been a big day. I made brownies.
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Why We Always Get Tech Support's Voicemail: Explained
Tech #1: Is Victor* here?
Tech #2: No--if I'm here it means Victor's in Chapel Hill.
Tech #1: Oh, I was going to tell him there's a butterfly outside.
Tech #2: A butterfly?
Tech #1: I know how he likes them.
Tech #2: Is it big?
Tech #1: It's a good one.
Tech #2: I'd like to go look.
(they both leave)
North Carolina
10AM 'Cause Home Is Where the Pancreas Is
Drug rep: All the regulations in this industry just keep getting more strict all the time. I set up a meeting the other day with one of our medical reps and a doctor I know and I couldn't say a word the entire time except to introduce them. I was like a mouse on the floor.
Admin (laughing hysterically): Do you mean "a fly on the wall"?
Drug rep (embarrassed): Give me a break. It's Friday morning and I'm wearing a suit for a meeting that was canceled and nobody told me. I'm going home!
Arlington, Texas
Overheard by: Genyis
9AM Don't Act Like This Isn't in Your Job Description
Editor, about to show tv show to office before lay-off: Okay, are you ready?
Production assistant: Yeah, what am I looking for again?
Editor: Um, Pastease... Ass cracks and nipples.
Chappaqua, New York
5PM And Read The Onion
Coworker: The normal media won't tell you the truth. That's why I listen to talk shows.
Oak Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Vejewsbian
4PM Why Some Sesame Street Writers Get Fired
Teen to Latina: How do you say 'thumb in your ass' in Spanish?
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Amo
3PM But She Turned Out to Have Inspector Gadget Arms
Employee: So how'd the meeting go?
Boss: Sharon touches me a lot. I tried not to sit near her.
Washington, DC
2PM The Office Is Aiming to Reach a Wider Feline Demographic This Season
Cashier, over intercom: Brian to the front desk, please.
Not Brian, over intercom: Meowwwww?
Wheaton, Maryland
Overheard by: I don't think that was Brian.
1PM I'll Bet Heidi Hears That from Grandpapa All the Time
Receptionist #1: So she got a new hair do.
Receptionist #2: Yes, braids, is it inappropriate to comment on them?
Receptionist #1: We could tell her that her hair looks...ethnic?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Anne
12PM Before or After I Sit in Front of Your House with Binoculars?
Nosey cube dweller: What are you doing after work?
Neighbor of nosey cube drone: Minding my own business. Why, what are you doing?
Brookline, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Not minding his
11AM Jeez, I Already Know How to Pass Out at Parties
Slutty waitress: My baby daughter is driving me insane!
Waiter: That'll teach you to pass out at parties.
(slutty waitress glares, storms off)
Waiter, shrugging: Well, it should.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM The Fairy Also Turned Gepetto's Calculator Into a Real Girl
Ditzy clothing buyer for famous department store: Like, I can never remember my extension, so when I sign off on something, I just totally make up whatever numbers come to my head.
W 49th Street
New York City, New York
9AM ...As Cinderella Explained, in the Director's Cut
Receptionist: I found out that I can't go to Disney World because I have a paper due that week and I don't want to miss 100 points.
Boss (who is rather overweight and old): That is really too bad but I mean, I'll go in your place.
Receptionist: Only if you get Mickey Mouse ears and go to the castle and have dinner with the princesses.
Boss: Sure. I'll be the best fucking princess those bitches have ever seen!
Bellingham, Washington
5PM How to Make a Sexual Availability Statement in Missouri
Female coworker: I just shaved my armpits, and now I'm drunk!
Kansas City, Missouri
4PM A Little Something Extra on the Meat-Lover's Pizza, Ma'am
Employee #1: Yeah, it was a great porno. Yeah, she was all up on his taint. The taint. You know the part between the meat and the hole? Yeah, that.
Employee #2, on the phone with customer: (cringe)
Customer on phone: Excuse me...
Employee #2: Umm, yes ma'am?
Customer: Was that man talking about balls?
Pizza Place
Long Island, New York
3PM Now Go Download Porn Like a Good Boy
Angela: Hello, this is Angela, how may I help y... No! No, son, I am too busy to talk about Hannah Montana! (hangs up angrily)
Cedar Hill, Texas
2PM A Preview of Sex & the City VIII
Elderly lady: Okay, teabag--here I come!
Nixa, Missouri
1PM When Dr. Phil Says This Shit, He Makes Millions
Support tech (in southern accent): If that don't fix it, then it's still broke.
Hollywood, Florida
12PM Or at Least Some Heavy-Duty Saran Wrap
Receptionist: He needs a control top. His boobs were going everywhere!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
11AM Ooo, Sacrilege!
Annoying IT guy behind partition: Yo, dude, I need god status on this site so I can make changes.(laughs to himself) Hey, I need god status. (another employee enters the room) Hey, yo, I need god status on this site. God status. (laughs again)
Quiet IT girl on other side of partition: Shut up!
Raleigh, North Carolina
10AM Janice Dickinson's Reality Show Crew Finally Draws the Line
Office worker #1: Do we need to talk about how to handle a psychiatric emergency with her?
Office worker #2: If it happens, I'm shutting my door on her crazy ass.
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Did You Know the Heating Ducts Are Full Of Six-Foot Swedes?
Worker #1: Did you know there was a midget in our building?
Worker #2: Hiding?
Worker #1: No, working on three, asshole.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
5PM ...With the Fact That I'm a Keanu Fan.
Nurse #1: Man, I really like speed.
Nurse #2: This from the girl with "registered nurse" on her badge.
Nurse #1: Just shut up and deal.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Night Nurse
4PM But I Hear Fahrenheit Is Beautiful This Time Of Year
Woman: Can you tell me what's the temperature in Frankfurt?
Check-in agent: Fahrenheit?
Woman: No, Frankfurt.
International Airport
Mexico City
Mexico
Overheard by: Trece
3PM Could Be a Wooden Plank in a Stripper Costume
Drone #1: Christ! I need to play the lottery.
Drone #2: Why, how much is it?
Drone #1: 250 million. If I win I'm flipping the bird to this place and you and I are gonna go hit Vegas. I'm gonna die balls deep in some hot stripper.
Drone #2: A female one right?
Drone #1: At 250 million, it won't matter.
Broadway & 42nd
New York City, New York
2PM Is It Replete with Wiretude?
Coworker asking about wireless: I know absolutely nothing about wireless here; my computer is very wireful.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: ED
1PM First Shellfish, and Now This.
Large lady: What's for lunch today?
Regular lady: Mushroom risotto.
Large lady: Oh, I can't have mushrooms--they make me horny and I ain't got no one to be horny with no more.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Aghast
12PM ...Wait, No...Insensitivity?
Customer: It smells like incest in here... Wait, no, incense.
Golf Shop
Macon, Georgia
Overheard by: What do pine-scented candles remind you of?
11AM I've Been Turning Them Inside Out for Weeks Now
Banker on phone to call center (shouting): I need the washing machine and dryer installed in my house by tonight! This is completely unacceptable. Tonight! Do you understand? This isn't a debate! (now exasperated) It's an emergency: I've got no clean underwear left.
London
England
Overheard by: So many answers, so many questions
10AM Liquid Diet? I Hear Ya, Pal
Coworker #1: What, you mean you don't like gummy bears?
Coworker #2: No, I like gummy bears, I just don't feel like chewing today.
New York City, New York
9AM Especially Not with Your Hand in Your Pants Like That
Male coworker: Just tell me what you work out in.
Female coworker: No.
Dallas, Texas
5PM At Least I Don't End My Sentences with Prepositions
Angry customer on phone: Where are you located at?
CSR: Iowa.
Angry customer on phone: I outta come there and kick your ass!
Calm CSR: With all due respect sir, bring it. (hangs up)
Boyrum
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: Cube Mate
4PM This Sort Of Thing Can Go on For Hours
Executive VP: How do you spell "reasoning"?
Senior VP: Just like "seasoning", but with an "r".
Executive VP: How do you spell "seasoning"?
Lenox Road
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM Snack Time: Act II
Dingbat CSR, answering phone while eating at desk: Mmmmfff... I apologize, sir, I have nuts in my mouth.
Castle Rock, Colorado
Overheard by: Sparky
2PM I Refuse to Procreate with Him 'Til He Gets This Straight
Coworker #1, hanging up the phone: I can't believe it's six o'clock, I should be going home and I'm here on the phone talking to Steve* about chicken eggs!
Coworker #2: Why?
Coworker #1: I don't know, he thinks the yolks mean they're fertilized.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: that's not how eggs work
1PM I Must've Left It in the Bathroom at Home
Man leaving bathroom: Find your floppy?
Man entering bathroom: Nope.
McDonald's Drive
Oakbrook, Illinois
12PM As Rude As You Calling Janet Reno a Transvestite?
Manager: How dare my BlackBerry not know how to spell "transvestite?" That's just rude.
Berkeley Heights
New Jersey
11AM And Gastronomically
Teacher: I just love children!
(silence in the room)
Teacher: Medically speaking, of course...
Hospital
New York
Overheard by: Yeah, I think I'm gonna leave now...
10AM Why People Start Smoking Again: Explained
Receptionist on phone: No, sir... No, but you can leave him a voice mail telling him how much you hate his guts. I hope you have a shitty day too, sir.
Fairfax, Virginia
9AM Um, Those Are Striped Tights
Girl to male coworker: And the only place she has stretch marks is on her legs.
Male coworker: Oh, that's cool.
San Francisco, California
5PM I Don't Understand--I Always Stock It with Condoms
Woman: My purse looks pregnant.
Zoetermeer
The Netherlands
Overheard by: Trying to work but laughin' my but of :P
4PM How Gay Dating Works in Florida
Assistant: There are bears in the hall again. Do you want me to bag them?
Ft.Lauderdale, Florida
3PM My Stupidosity Just Grows and Grows, Y'know?
Peon, slamming down phone: That client is so goddamn dumb! I swear to god, every time I talk to him, I get more and more stupider.
International Finance Centre
Hong Kong
2PM I Count Seven Foil Helmets in This Room Alone
Sad boss: I'm sure there are a lot of normal people here, just not in this department.
Hartford, Connecticut
1PM How We Feel About Kirstie Alley's Jenny Craig Commercials, Too
CSR: Thank you for calling, how are you today? (pause) Oh, very uncomfortable and kind of disturbing?
Plymouth, Minnesota
12PM I Take Them from Everyone Who Borrows a Pencil
Old office dweller: Thank you.
Young receptionist: You're welcome. Now you owe me your fingerprints.
Spicewood Springs Road
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
11AM Not Nearly As Glamorous As the Recruiter Portrayed It
Manager in hallway: Damn! I'm so sick of being a drug dealer!
Clear Lake, Iowa
10AM "No" Still Means "Yes" to Many Men
Secretary: All of our customers who said they don't want our e-mails are getting them. And all of our customers who said they want them aren't getting them.
Boss: So, what's the problem?
New York City, New York
9AM Accounting's Always the Last to Learn About Expenditures
Perky new faculty member: Hi! I'm Marie*! It's nice to meet you.
(everyone exchanges handshakes and sits down)
Confused accountant: I'm sorry, do you work here?
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: justwords77
5PM You Know the Paper Doesn't Actually Go Through the Phone Line?
Boss (giving papers to peon) Would you please fax these for me ASAP?
Peon (taking papers) Sure thing.
Peon (faxes, brings back papers) Here you go.
Boss: I thought I told you to fax these!
San Diego, California
4PM I Told You We Needed to Tie Up Some Loose Ends
Young naive office girl: Oh look! We're all here for lunch! It's time for some good company bondage time.
Man: That's "bonding" time.
Girl: Nope. "Bondage!"
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: Brandon Davis
3PM So Just Bring Me the Cup of Coffee and We'll See If It Works
Male coworker on phone: Well, in this alternate reality that's how babies are conceived.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
2PM Even Though He and I Have Nothing in Common
Boss to coworker, as they leave office: All right, I'll meet the goddamn baby!
Los Angeles, California
1PM But I Can't Seem to Make the Request Without Giggling
Geek #1 (about female geek): She's pretty cool--I can hang with her.
Geek #2: Yeah, she's kind of cute and has some personality.
Geek #1: I keep trying to get her to give me a hummer...
Geek #2: Well, yeah, same here!
Geek #1: Because she has a collection of toy hummers in her cubicle.
Geek #2: Ah. Nice.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: Richard
12PM If You Swallow Semen, Could You Poop Out a Baby?
Girl #1: I feel like I'm pregnant.
Girl #2: Maybe you are.
Girl #1: But, it was anal sex.
Girl #2: But I think it could still pass through.
Girl #1: "Pass through?"
Girl #2: Yeah, I think sometimes it can.
Girl #1: Oh god.
Girl #2: I think I've heard it could. You'd better go get checked out.
Girl #1: Oh, god!
Girl #2: You're even looking kind of...bigger.
Illinois
11AM Only the Strongest Children Survive Kentucky Daycare
Loud cube neighbor on cell: Well, how in the hell did he escape if he was handcuffed?!
Frankfort, Kentucky
Overheard by: Coder Chick
10AM ...And Said, "I Think I Lava You"
Professor: For example, say I give this woman a hundred-dollar bill... No, that's not a good example. Say I give her a mug of hot lava...
Stevens Tech
Hoboken, New Jersey
9AM Whatever--There Was One on My Wedding Cake
Cube dweller #1: So then "groom," like the horse kind.
Cube dweller #2: Uh, okay, or like the husband.
Cube dweller #3: Or the thing you clean your kitchen with.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, that's a "broom."
Washington, DC
Overheard by: emc
5PM The Highest Aspiration in Norristown
Young attorney #1: I look like an old woman in this coat.
Young attorney #2: Maybe a slutty old woman.
Young attorney #1: I wish I was a slutty old woman.
Norristown, Pennsylvania
4PM The Title of Li'l Kim's New Hit Single?
Female coworker: No way! Don't be squirting me with none of your man crap!
Mansfield, Pennsylvania
3PM We Wondered About the Tubs of Hand Lotion
Perky career director: We're here to service all of you!
Washington, DC
Overheard by: theintern
2PM That Damn Mannequin Always Shows Us Up
Manager at meeting: Dusty is the only person cooperating here--he hasn't said a thing!
Carrollton, Texas
1PM In the Clutches of the Liberal Media!
Manager: I just lost my mind a little bit... Oh! Here it is!
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Instead of Just Having All These VDs
Entry-level employee: If I was a girl I would definitely be pregnant by now.
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM It'll Rival the Baby Wrestling the Snake!
Manager: We need a picture of the tiger playing with his ball.
Peon: Yea, that would be great.
Manager: People would say this is the best webcast ever.
Peon: People would say, "That's cool, look at the tiger playing with his ball."
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: WaitingForWork
10AM Or at Least Not Covered in Crisco Again
Copy editor: I'm just going to knock on his door and hope he's not naked.
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: Parakeet #1
9AM Thanks for Showing Me the Supplication Cabinet!
Manager: Here's the office supply cabinet. Do you need anything?
First-day-on-the-job peon: Oh yeah! A pad of paper. I like to take dubious notes.
Cleveland, Ohio
5PM And Sometimes a Boob-Squeeze As a Holiday Bonus
Cashier to saleswoman holding a box of sweets: Hey! Why didn't I get a box of sweets?
Saleswoman: Because your title isn't "manager". He gets a hug, and maybe a little pinch on the tushy.
Bedford, New York
Overheard by: Black Friday Shopper
4PM I Think I've Seen This Maggie Gyllenhaal Movie
Office mate #1 (asking for money for lunch): Are you trying to break me already?
Office mate #2: I would love to break you.
Washington, DC
3PM Could You Guys at Least Close the Door?
Female boss on cell: Finally! I'm getting knocked up!
Sunnyvale, California
2PM Not with Those Spikes on Your Wheelchair, Ben-Hur
Young professional woman: I have to pee.
Young professional man: Me too.
Young professional woman: Race you to the handicapped bathroom!
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Dan
1PM Come to Think Of It, We Haven't Seen Ms. Harding in a While...
Cube dweller #1 (hears scraping on a dish): What are you eating?
Cube dweller #2: (mumbles something)
Cube dweller #1: What did you day? Did you say "Tonya?"
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, her too.
Buffalo, New York
12PM Lots Of Women Had to Share Bras During the Depression
Office tease: Did you watch it? Did you watch 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Office perv: I think I'm gonna be sick...
Office tease: Wasn't it the most disgusting thing you've ever seen?
Office slut: Wow, you made Kevin* nauseous? Okay, now I'm interested.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
11AM I Already Have Dibs on His Stapler
Peon to boss looking for the bigger boss: He is not there. He is murdering Mike*.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: has a will
10AM From My Big Book Of Ways to Ensure Co-Workers Don't Talk to Me
(coworker #2 has just returned from a two-hour meeting)
Coworker #1: How was the meeting?
Coworker #2: My hemorrhoids are okay until we get to the 1:45 mark. Then I get that itchy twitchy feeling.
Collegeville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lola
9AM And Don't Even Get Me Started on Yo Mama
Boss, sitting at peon's desk: This chair is not ergonomically correct.
Peon: You're not ergonomically correct.
Des Moines, Iowa
5PM This, from a Guy Who Watches Extreme Makeover?
Young waitress, dreamily: My friends and I just love that Joran Van Der Sloot.
Manager: The fact that he's accused of murder doesn't phase you?
Waitress: Only makes him hotter! (sighs)
Waiter: The next time I say women are stupid and you argue with me, I'm bringing this up, you know.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM Depression Is Fantastic for Mother Earth
Middle-aged woman: Are you going anywhere for the holidays?
Elderly man, clearly disappointed: No--I'm not up to traveling this year.
Middle-aged woman, excitedly: Good for you! Save those carbon credits!
Penn Quarter
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Jonathan
3PM You Must Be from Quba
Enrollment counselor on phone with student: The first letter is I, like "eyeball."
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Literate Listener
2PM I Haven't Been This Excited Since Janie Had That Gun
Admin: Be careful, Brenda* has a bowie knife!
Boss: I think I just drooled on myself.
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Joyful
1PM Fairly Exotic, for a New Yorker
Chubby CVS cashier to coworker: Yeah, so I've been seeing this new guy recently, it's going pretty well. We're hanging out later.
Coworker: Oh really, what are you going to do?
Chubby CVS cashier: Chill in his car.
Upper West Side
New York City, New York
12PM Can We Never Speak Of This Again?
Male coworker: It smells like poop in here.
Male boss: It's my pants!
Male coworker: Uhh...
Male boss: It's not my fault! You don't believe me? Smell them!
Female coworker: Um, okay. (smells pants) Ewww, sick.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: not smelling
11AM In About Four Seconds, Both Of Our Appetites Will Be Ruined
Cube dweller #1: Want to go to lunch?
Cube dweller #2: Nah. I just farted.
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Russ G
10AM I Want to Imagine He's Talking to Hillary Duff
Boss to peon: Because I don't want you edgy. I want you your usual fuzzy self when I beat you up.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: happy she is always edgy
9AM We Know, Kevin
Supervisor signing box, dreamily: Ah! I love packages...
Chino, California
Overheard by: Emu Whisperer
5PM It's Not Like We're Korean
Office girl: Yeah, so I couldn't keep my dog anymore, so my dad got rid of it.
Office guy: Really? Oh--did he get rid of it the bad way?
Office girl: He didn't eat it!
Office guy (shocked): Um... That's really not what I meant, but okay...
Toronto
Canadia
4PM Like, Does a Relative Moron Count?
Consultant #1 (reading online purity test): Have you ever slept with a relative?
Consultant #2: Define "relative."
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
3PM Anyone Else Just Get the Tremendous Urge to Watch Goonies?
Tubby manager: I need to lose some weight.
Blunt manager: How about you quit eating like a twelve-year-old whose parents aren't home from work yet, chunk-style?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM And Don't Be Trying to Put Rat Poison in It This Time
Elderly boss to receptionist: Where's my coffee?
Receptionist: Are your legs broken?
Elderly boss: My third one is! Now get my coffee!
Southfield, Michigan
1PM Plus You Wouldn't Have to Go to the Gym!
Coworker #1: Ugh. I don't feel like being at work today.
Coworker #2: I know. Don't you ever wish you could just fall out of bed in the morning and break both your legs so you could take a sick day?
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Unless You're Playing a Fun Memory Game with Yourself
Secretary on her first day: So, I should only delete the messages I don't want to keep?
Raleigh, North Carolina
11AM You Should See His Care Bear Stare. Impressive
Worker #1: Have you worked with this guy before? (points at name in book).
Worker #2: Yeah, I think he likes rainbows.
Worker #3: He's totally rainbowized.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
10AM While Slapping You Repeatedly
Customer service "specialist": Sir, I was not yelling, I was only raising my voice.
Sunnyvale, California
9AM You Know You Giggled
Receptionist to UPS delivery guy (about his electronic device for tracking deliveries): Wow! That's a big unit!
Red Deer
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Kate
5PM You'll Need to Read My Dissertation to Find Out!
Coworker #1: Well, Asians make the best trannies.
Coworker #2: Yeah, why is that?
Hudson Street
New York City, New York
4PM It's a Bad Influence on South
Lady coworker: I don't like the direction "west."
Dallas, Texas
3PM Can I Talk to You Later, Mom?
CSR on phone: No ma'am... If I was out trying to bang my dick in a bar I wouldn't take the time to call you back.
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM How Do You Know When a Paperclip Chain Is Finished, Really?
Office worker: Wow, I almost finished something today!
San Rafael, California
1PM Or an LCD Screen Television?
Confused coworker: So should I look for a baby girl, or another wife?
Dupont, Washington
Overheard by: Richard
12PM Harold Prepares for His Real World Audition
Sales manager, to himself in fake southern accent: Ah don't drink to drink! Ah drink t'git drunk!
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM You Probably Should've Stopped Breastfeeding Before Going Off to College
Programmer: I'm amazed that even now, you feel the need to keep on sucking.
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
10AM And Squeezing My Frittatas
Female assistant: Quit staring at my taco!
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
9AM ...When It Should Show Three Cherries and a Gold Coin
(at 11:11 am)
Admin #1: My clock is broken!
Admin #2: Really?
Admin #1: Yes, it's showing all ones!
Bedford, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Trapped In My Cube
5PM I Don't Need You Falling Asleep on the Toilet Again
Male office peon: Do you have any magazines that are interesting and stimulating?
Female office peon (hiding Logistics Management magazine): You are not taking it to the bathroom.
Clifton, New Jersey
Overheard by: My magazines have sentimental value
4PM When You Should Be a Monkey with a Candle
Sales guy on phone with prospect: Yeah, well, then you get confused and don't know what to do and you're like a deer with headlights.
William St
New York City, New York
3PM They're Made with Those Broccoli Pigs
Self-important guy: Most hot dogs in the US are pretty much vegetarian anyway.
Lexington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: amused and disgusted
2PM They Look Divine
Bored secretary: Don't my nails look great? That stand in the mall polished them with dead sea scrolls!
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
1PM Which Reminds Me Of the Time We Rented The Lake House
Office worker #1: Man, I feel like I have a fuckin' brick of cheese in my stomach.
Office worker #2 (in a concerned tone): That really sucks.
Office worker #1: Yeah.
Office worker #2: Ratatouille comes out on DVD next week!
Gastown
Vancouver
Canadia
12PM Hey, What Happens in Here Stays in Here
Guy to coworker at the next urinal, who just farted: Are you serious?!
St. Petersburg, Florida
11AM And Not Be Confronted by Homeless Guys Doing the Same Thing
New employee: Why do we have to get a key to go to the restroom? This isn't elementary school!
Researcher: Yeah, it's annoying, but there are advantages.
New hire employee: What's that?
Researcher: If you're having a stressful day at work, you can rub one out in private.
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM Meet the Author Of The Confederate Cookie Book
Boss: These cookies are good. Tastes like there's Ex-lax in 'em.
Charleston, South Carolina
9AM Plus, Ethel Just Endorsed Senator Obama
Bizarre cube dweller: Cornmeal, hamocks, gunpowder, and guitar strings. I mix it up and just sit, pray, meditate, that sorta thing. I found a great place, too. The problem? Ethel don't want to. Given our natural proclivities, we'd be out raping and pillaging if it weren't for that stuff.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
5PM And That Whip Over There
Customer: Why does the leather look like this on the the boot? Does this mean it's shit?
Sales girl: Well, I...
Customer: It's shit, isn't it? Tell me they're shit.
Sales girl: ...their shit?
Customer: Perfect, I'll take them.
Shoe Shop
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Confused
4PM So I Eat at School Cafeterias on a Regular Basis
Police officer (signing to the tune of Animal Crackers in My Soup): I like maggots in my soup...
Police Department
Randolph, New Jersey
3PM Just Imagine Fonzie on Water Skis
Office drone #1: So, I jumped the shark.
Office drone #2: You what?
Office drone #1: I jumped the shark. It's when...it's a metaphor, look it up on the internet.
Office drone #2: So, there was a shark?
42nd & 3rd Ave
New York City, New York
2PM From Now on It's Just Sheep and Toasters for Me
Coworker to tech support: All I did was stick it in and now I can't get it out. I hate fucking computers!
Brampton
Ontario
Canada
Overheard by: Tim
1PM Why Do You Think We Hired Her?
Female account exec #1: How do you pronounce Leslie's* last name?
Female account exec #2: "Scrotum?"
Female account exec #1: "Screwum?"
Female account exec #2: I guess there's a lot of bad ways you can pronounce her name.
New York City, New York
12PM Then I Caned Her for Showing Emotion
Boss on phone: So my friend said, "I found myself sobbing at my desk at 1 am on a Saturday" and I told her, "welcome to the non-profit sector!" (breaks down into uncontrollable laughter)
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
11AM Yup, Puréed It and Poured It on My Granola
Manager: Why does it smell like salami in here?
Tech: I ran out of milk, so I had to have salami for breakfast.
Manager: Uhh...what?
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: fleeing from the salami stench
10AM I Have a Three-Second Memory Span, Like a Goldfish
Suit to friend: Nobody at work knows I have pierced nipples. Including me.
Fair Lakes, Virginia
9AM I Heard You Enjoy the Broadband
Male cube dweller: Seth finally drilled my hole last night.
Female cube dweller: What?
Male cube dweller: Seth finally drilled a hole in my wall, so I can have cable.
Female cube dweller: That sound better.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: greasymittens
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