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September 2008 Archives
5PM And What About the Coin Ship in Mario 3?
Coworker: My aunt refuses to get on a ferry. So I asked her why, and she said it's because they always sink. And I said, "When do you ever hear about ferries sinking?" and she said, "The ones coming up from Cuba! They sink all the time!"
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
4PM Or in My General Direction
Coworker, sighing: I don't mind if you talk in the office as long as you're not talking to me...
Broadway & Waverly
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Emily
3PM He's Still the Best Darned Birthday Clown I've Ever Seen
President: I don't care if he shoved it up his ass to see if it would come out of his mouth! It doesn't fuckin' matter!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
2PM Guess How Many Box Pun Quotes We Receive Daily. Just Guess
(two event planners are looking at their supply boxes for upcoming events)
Planner #1: My box is so full! I didn't realize there was so much stuff squeezed into my box.
Planner #2: Me either! But I don't like all these things that were put in my box. Who has been sticking stuff in my box? I don't like when people stick stuff in my box without asking me first.
Planner #1: We need to tell people to start leaving our boxes alone.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: You Better Leave My Box Alone!
1PM The Bit That Would Have Involved Talking to You
Annoyed boss, barging in to cubicle: You ignored my call?
Worker, glancing at phone: Huh? Oh...yeah, a little bit.
Morris Plains, New Jersey
12PM Try Yahoo
Fuddy duddy: Now, what website does one go to to "google" something?
Suwanee, Georgia
11AM Ad: From the Henhouse to the Crackhouse to Your House!
Sales director on phone: Geeze, people are after our chicken like crack. Our chicken is crack!
Ronks, Pennsylvania
10AM I Mean, I Wouldn't Want It to Bear My Children...
Interviewer: How do you feel about ambiguity?
Interviewee: Can you be more specific?
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: she wasn't kidding
9AM If Ever There Were a Need for a Longer Pause...
Cube dweller: Hey Liz*, wanna hear something crazy?
Liz*: Sure.
Cube dweller: That stock I bought is up 900% today.
Liz*: Which stock?
Cube dweller: That gay stock I bought! 900%!
Liz*: Gay stock...?
Cube dweller: Yeah--that gay tv network stock. I knew it! Gay tv, yes!
Liz*: Well, good for you...
Cube dweller: Man, my butt is so sore today...
Warren, Michigan
Overheard by: Your what is sore?!
5PM And Thinking It Was Something You Should Try
Trim female coworker: How was your weekend?
Overweight female coworker: It was okay... Ooh! I thought of you yesterday. I was taking a bath...
Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Last Time I Tried That, My Cubicle Looked Like a Crime Scene
Shipping manager: What's wrong with you, little bit? I ain't seen you smile all day.
Short order entry lady: I got my period, so I'm in a bad mood.
Shipping manager: Well, you need to shake it off! Shake the devil off ya!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Doesn't have the Devil in her
3PM From True Life: I Have a Telekinetic Boyfriend
Female coworker: My boobs keep moving!
New York City, New York
2PM ...Combined with the Adult Diaper Jokes
Emergency operator #1: Hello? Hello? (hangs up phone) Whoops!
Emergency operator #2: Uh oh, what happened?
Emergency operator #1: Oh, some lady wanting to donate adult diapers just hung up on me.
Emergency operator #2: Weird, was she mad cuz we don't take donations?
Emergency operator #1: Nah, I think it was the calling her "sir" that did it.
Red Cross Call Center
San Diego, California
1PM The Joe Pesci Show Comes to Washington
Employee to boss: Would you like for me to list the listings?
Boss to employee: That's a bit redundant, don't you think?
Employee: Who you callin' retarded?!
Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC
12PM I Mean, How Much Tooth Enamel Do I Need?
Secretary #1: You know, purging...it's gross, but it works.
Secretary #2: Yeah, and it only takes a few weeks to work.
Secretary #3: Whatever it takes, I guess.
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM With Baby Kangaroos
Editor #1: Look at what my mom got me! A Chanel handbag!
Editor #2: Sigh. All my parents ever get me is jewelry!
Editor #1: Yeah, but this bag is really practical. It has pockets.
San Francisco, California
10AM I'm Trying to Get the Visual Just Right
Boss: It was some chick college...
Minion: I have to ask, was it an Asian chick college?
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: outside laughing
9AM Why Dixie Cups Were Invented
Woman (regarding missing eggs): They're having wet dreams down south!
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Gina
5PM And Brandishing Our Daggers in Baseball Hats Is Starting to Look Ridiculous
Worker #1: So, is everyone coming for break?
Worker #2: Not me, I have to stay and make pirate hats.
Worker #3: That's the worst excuse ever to avoid us.
Worker #2: Well, I cant have a drawer labeled "pirate hats" without pirate hats. That'd just be silly.
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Code Monkey
4PM Regan MacNeil Grows Up
Secretary in a loud voice, walking down hall: I'm evil, I have a lot of evil thoughts!
Market Street
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Urban Achiever
3PM Though I Could Also Picture David Duchovny Saying It
New partner, opening mail: Oh, it's my gold card. Wonder what's the difference between this and a regular Amex.
Smart-ass IT guy: Well, it creates a gravitational anomaly when you whip it out in high-end restaurants, causing all the girls' panties to hit the floor.
New partner: I could have asked a thousand people that question, only you would have given that answer.
Winnipeg
Canadia
2PM Especially When They Say "Sexual Harassment"
Elderly attorney on phone: I knew you were Armenian. Armenians always have sweet, kind, whispered, milky voices.
Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Slaveia
1PM All the Men in the Office Are Burning, If You Follow Me
Intern to girlfriend: Do you really have to be a slutty fire-lady?
Chigaco, Illinois
12PM The Difference Between Those Who Lived Through the Depression and Those Who Didn't
Cube rat, opening a personal package received at work: This is more fun than a new bar of soap!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: I like soap too
11AM Yet We're Way Ahead of Canadia
Marketing girl #1: Everything south of us is an hour ahead right?
Marketing girl #2: Ummmmm... No. Everything east of us is an hour ahead.
Marketing girl #1: But Florida is south of us, and they are an hour ahead of us.
Marketing girl #2: (blank stare)
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Is the Weather Up There Kinda Bitchy Today?
Woman: Don, can you hang this on the wall, because you are tall?
Man: I hate being tall... People are always asking me to do things. Maybe next time I drop a coin I will ask a midget to pick it up.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM It's Kinda Like Finding a Long-Distance Provider
Black FedEx guy: You married yet?
White banker guy: Haven't met the right girl yet.
Black FedEx guy: There are no white girls!
Banker guy: No right girl.
Black FedEx guy: There are no right girls either. You just got to pick one and marry them and have some kids, that's what I did.
Midtown
New York City, New York
Overheard by: CDog
5PM Marie Curie Heard That a Lot
Female coworker to another: You are so smart! You should have been born a man!
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: sixtwentysix
4PM Complain to the Potato Chip Company?
Cube dweller: But what if you come across a clumpy lay?
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Chelsea
3PM ...Back When It Was a Swedish Colony
Actor #1: I can't believe that Barack Obama is getting away with running for president! I thought you had to be born in the United States.
Actor #2: He was born in the United States.
Actor #1: Nooooo! He was born in Hawaii!
Equity Audition Center
New York City, New York
2PM That'll All Change Once the Keypad Urinals Are Installed
Boss (in restroom): This is the only room in the building where I know what I'm doing anymore.
Washington, DC
1PM Have You Read The Da Vinci Code?
Cubicle dweller: God, I hate when I type like a retard. Hmmm... Wonder what a retard types like.
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Forrest Gump
12PM Because I'm Not Sure How to Interpret Your Moaning.
Woman in cubicle: Does it feel good to have the mouse run down there?
Honolulu Credit Union, Hawaii
11AM ...Well I Know You're in Surgery, But I'd Like an Answer
Female co-worker on phone: I know his grandmother died yesterday and his other grandmother has a week to live, but is that really an excuse to get out of a wedding with me this weekend? Am I being selfish here?
Clifton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Grandma's Boy
10AM It Was More Of an Exclamation
Boss: Who's better then me?
Worker: Jesus.
Coworker: Good answer.
Huntington, Texas
Overheard by: kaleena
9AM You Must Be the Best Catholic Ever
Female manager to peon: Sometimes I violate myself.
Nashua, New Hampshire
5PM They're a Good Source of Protein
Coworker #1: Ouch!
Coworker #2: What happened?
Coworker #1: I'm bleeding--I hit my elbow on my desk and knocked a scab off.
Coworker #2: Ooooh, can I have it?
Everybody: Cheryl*!
Coworker #2: I can't help it! I just love scabs!
Regional Medical Center
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Yes, she's real
4PM I Never Metameme I Didn't Like
Internet hipster: It's a meme of a meme, so it's meta.
Boss: What?!
Fontana, California
3PM Ad: A Billion Chinese Can Be So Wrong...
Manager to VP: Yep, that Chinese porn will get you every time!
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Roman
2PM If They Wait 'Til It's Overripe, It Begins to Ferment
Office worker #1: So, what are they going to do if the baby hasn't come this week?
Office worker #2: Well, they are going to have her cervix ripened on Friday.
Office worker #3: Um, you mean she is getting induced?
Office worker #1: Uh oh, I think Jane* just threw up in the plant.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM Which I Should Not Have Done at Milking Time
Guy in next cube: I told her that if she came at me like that again, I'd cut her tits off... Yeah, I seriously told her that...well, I was drinking heavily.
Warren, Michigan
Overheard by: Scared for my tits
12PM She Slapped Me for an Innocent "Warm Nuts" Comment
Airline worker: I'm clear at gate 20 and that flight attendant is a bitch.
Denver International Airport, Colorado
Overheard by: Headed toward the Flight Attendant
11AM Maybe I Shouldn't Have Partied Like It Was 1999
Receptionist: What are those?
Office worker (holding engraved wine glasses): These are wine glasses left over from our Christmas party in 1999, they say "Christmas 1999" on them.
Receptionist: Wow! How old are those?
Pleasanton, California
Overheard by: Mike A
10AM What Are You, American?
Suit #1: ...and then there's the thing about the readiness proposal.
Suit #2: And are they readiness?
Suit #1: Uh, yeah...they're ready.
Shell Center
London
England
Overheard by: I judge you when you use poor grammar
9AM Confusing Superman and Batman Is Pretty Gay
Angry boss: Why can't the pen have a laser pointer? Why does the pen have to project the company logo? Why does it have to be gay like we're calling Superman or something?
Overland Park, Kansas
5PM Gosh, I Miss Newlyweds
Woman to coworker: Why is it called a short story?
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Mike
4PM Double-Dealing, Backstabbing Electronic Tattletale!
Speaker during break: That double dealing, backstabbing son of a bitch. I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him. (taps on mike) Is this microphone off?
Town Hall Meeting
Marietta, Georgia
3PM Actually These Are Just Designer Cell Phones
Body builder in gray wind pants, pink tank top and new Reeboks: So, do you lift weights?
Girl lifting weights: Sometimes.
Evanston Athletic Club
Evanston, Illinois
2PM I Gotta Say, She Gives Me Hope
Secretary on phone to other secretary: Yeah, I know, like he wants us to go out and pull people off the street to get them in here... What the fuck? (pause) Oh, the hooker who works at the corner by the station is still alive, I saw her the other day, some dude dropped her off out front, she got out wiping her mouth, ewwww, it was totally nasty! But she's still alive!
Lincoln Park, Michigan
1PM Calms My Worries About My Health
Saleswoman: I've had this cough for weeks. It's in my back now. I'll cough so bad sometimes that I'll almost pee myself or I'll throw up. I've tried every over-the-counter medicine they make. Tylenol, Theraflu, I've tried them all. I just can't get rid of it.
Coworker: Cigarette?
Saleswoman: Yeah, I could really use one.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: non-smoker
12PM Where It's Bound, Who Can Say?
Full timer to temp: We're in the East because that is where New York is from.
Park Ave
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Mary Beth
11AM So Now He Just Does the Nanny
Coworker on phone: So I told my husband, "I'm not going to have sex with you anymore until you lose 30 pounds!"
Dallas, Texas
10AM Good Thing I Practice Safe Socks
Sheepish cube dweller trying to be quiet: Yeah. This is Angie* from last night. I think I left my gym shoes in your car last night when we were done.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
9AM And Likes Booty
Coworker at reseller conference: I thought one of the resellers was talking like a pirate, but he was just Australian.
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: Chuckles The Porn Star
5PM A Plan That's Bound to Ruffle Some Feathers
Hypersensitive woman: Tacos are a great idea. We'll definitely need a lot of ground beef, but we should also have a vegetarian option, like ground turkey.
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Tuff Bandito
4PM A Dramatic Re-Enactment Of the Napster Debacle
Queer (in tears): What you did hurt me, it hurt me to the core!
Fag hag: What are you talking about?
Queer: That was my song, I sing that song--you stole it from me!
Fag hag: It's a song, it's karaoke...fucking get over it!
Queer (still in tears): You don't understand, it's my song!
Brooklyn, New York
3PM Like the Ones on My Super Sweet 16
Employee: Did you punch your mother?
Manager: You know...some mothers just deserve to be punched.
Arizona
Overheard by: George
2PM As Long As I Can Bring My Sled Dogs with Me
Woman in elevator: Listen, I survived four years in Canada, I think I can survive your house.
Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York
1PM We'll Continue to Monitor This Development Closely
Receptionist: Ooh! I like your boots!
Teaching assistant: Thanks! I actually have legs now!
Receptionist: You have great legs!
Passing teacher: She's never had legs before.
Bexhill College
England
12PM Let's Talk Again After You Have a Donut
Female employee: You've never had Krispy Kreme donuts?
Male employee: Nope.
Female employee: Ohh. They are so good!
Male employee: Really?
Female employee: Yeah, they're better than sex!
Male employee: Hmm. You must be doing it wrong.
Centerville, Utah
11AM The Dance All the Kids Are Doing
Employee: Let me ask Roxanne to void it. She always cusses me when I void and toggle.
Nashville, Tennessee
10AM What Reproduction Will Be Like in the 22nd Century
Female cube dweller: See! If I click "okay", it'll knock me up!
Dublin, Ohio
9AM When Louis Farrakhan Dreams
Account executive on phone: I don't think we can release the Caucasian...
46th & Lexington
New York City, New York
5PM If You Could Cut Them Up Into Rolling Paper, That Would Be Great.
CPA: This pile here is a bunch of bad deals I made when I was taking drugs...
New Jersey
4PM They Tried to Protect Me from the Horrors of White-Flour Noodles
Girl: Did you ever eat SpaghettiO's when you were a kid?
Guy: No, my parents loved me.
Grocery Store
Vancouver, Washington
3PM Why College Health Services Are Universally Terrible
Clinician, after drinking from sports bottle: Man, nothing is worse than bad tequila.
ASU Student Health
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: Auntie Maim
2PM You Do Know They Grow, Right?
Coworker to pregnant CRS: So, are you excited to have your baby?
Pregnant CRS: Yeah...I guess...kinda nervous.
Coworker: Why are you nervous?
Pregnant CRS: Because once I have a baby, I'll always have a baby. Like, forever.
Salt Lake City, Utah
1PM Or Did He End Up in Politics?
Man on phone: How's your brother doing? Is he incarcerated somewhere?
Detroit, Michigan
12PM At the Synchronized Wine Drinkers' Caucus
Boss to group: I want to congratulate our rhythm and robustness!
Group:(looking around confused)
St Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Not Congratulated
11AM To Be Fair, You Are Drinking a Mint Julep Right Now
Boss: So what school did you go to again?
Worker: The University of Illinois.
Boss: Right...that's an Ivy League school, right?
Worker: (stunned silence)
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM At Least They Didn't Give You Mayo
Black office worker after getting lunch: Teriyaki sauce? Sweet and sour sauce? No BBQ sauce? How am I supposed to eat my chicken nuggets, don't they know I'm black?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
9AM When Enough Venom Builds Up, I Figure She'll Explode
Office girl: Yeah, my mom is on AIM. I blocked her.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Love my job
5PM Because I Just Had a Duluxembourger for Lunch
Office idiot: Dublin and Luxembourg is two different places, right?
Wall Street
New York City, New York
4PM A Feat I've Been Attempting for Years
Employee: So, I know that we don't normally do this, but my father in law is sick and I need to telecommute from here. Is that okay?
Boss on speaker phone: Well, I guess telecommuting is acceptable for this week, but try not to let the situation go on much longer.
Employee to husband after, hanging up the phone: I think he just told me to kill your father.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: I don't know that I have that kind of power!
3PM They're the Wind Beneath My Woodwind
Professor: I like nuns. Nuns taught me to the play the clarinet. So I love nuns!
Suffolk County Community College, New York
Overheard by: Rachel
2PM The Latest Fad
Boss: I think I'm going to start keeping a supply of Bailey's in my desk to mix with my coffee to make the day more bearable.
Surprised secretary: Seriously?
Boss: Not really, but it would be awesome.
Secretary: I guess it would make it better.
Boss: Like two cups...then you would be set for the day. And plus, your tolerance would be higher preparing you for the weekend. It's two birds with one stone.
Secretary: Wanna go at lunch?
Judicial Drive
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Can I Come With?
1PM Thank God I Always Buy Mules in Bulk
Tech: I came home last night and my right ass was killing me! I had to sit on my left ass!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Server-tron
12PM A Lot Like Our Last Family Picnic
Factory worker, checking the weather: It's raining watermelons and crack babies out there.
Blue Ash, Ohio
Overheard by: overtime on the line
11AM The Point Is, It Would Make Me Happy If You'd Stop Hitting on Me
Straight guy: And why would I be happy turning gay?
Straight girl: Duh!
Straight guy #2: "Gay" means "happy!"
Straight guy: (silence)
Straight guy #2: "Gay" also means "gay."
Straight guy: I fail to see your point.
Quorum Drive
Addison, Texas
10AM The Photocopier Picked My Pocket
Session leader: Now at this point, if you've been convicted guilty of a felony crime, I'll have to ask you to leave.
(one woman starts to walk out of crowded auditorium, abruptly stops halfway)
Woman: Oh, wait! What is counterfeiting?
Session leader: Mam, were you guilty?
Woman: Yes. Oh, wait. No. The trial's still going on.
Mebane, North Carolina
9AM You Can Pool Your Ignorance, but It Never Turns Into Milk
Male: No, I'm sure it said "buffalo mozzarella."
Female #1: Well, I know mozzarella is made from cow's milk.
Male: Maybe it's from Buffalo, NY.
Female #1: Is that where mozzarella is from?
Male: Maybe.
Female #2: Is goat cheese made from goats?
Waitress: No, usually from the milk.
Seattle, Washington
5PM They Brought Popcorn to the Sexual Harassment Video, and Hooted
Male worker to another: Damn, look at that girl's ass on MySpace!
Female worker: Could you guys do this somewhere else?
Male worker: Nope, you see, this office is just like the guys' locker room and you just happen to be working here.
Washington, DC
4PM I Place the Blame Squarely on Israel
Female peon: It's freezing in here!
Male peon: You're kidding, it's like 95 degrees!
Female peon: We're not all sweating alcohol like you.
Male peon: You're kidding! I'm a Muslim, I don't drink...well, I'm a Muslim on weekdays. Wait, I guess through Thursday evening... No, I guess only at work.
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Even at a Picnic You Try to Micromanage Me
Manager giving out hot dogs at company picnic: Why don't you pry open your buns there so I can slide my meat in?
Milton Mall
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: amused worker
2PM What's Your Position on Underwear, Then?
Manager to another: No Pants Tuesday. Think of how productive we would be without the confining feeling of slacks! You don't even have to wear dungarees, or as I like to call them, "dungs."
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Andréa Cecil
1PM Because It Might Get Scalded by the Steamer
Boss: Why is this steamer hanging out on the sales floor?
Employee: Just in case some customers want to wear their clothes out, we can steam them.
Boss: Well, why don't I just walk around with my dick out in case someone wants to suck it?
Coconut Grove, Florida
12PM It's a Supernatural Three's Company
Coworker: How many people in your household?
Client: 3 souls and 1 body.
Duluth, Minnesota
11AM And I'm Sorry You Walked in While I Was "Being Strategical"...
Senior sales VP: I need to set apart a set amount of time every day so I'm not bothered. That's the time I need to be strategical.
Fort Myers, Florida
10AM Are You Wearing Your Eight-Hour Diaper Suit?
Upper manager: Thomas* should be in, so maybe you'll be able to take a bathroom break before then.
Middle manager: Gosh, how generous of you!
Upper manager: Hey, I care about our employees (three seconds pause) and the floors in our stands.
Hershey, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: GottaGo
9AM Another Reason Not to Take Advice from People with Footwear Issues
Guy with loafers but no socks on cell: Hi son, it's me. Am I going to see you at the club tonight, or are you staying home? Oh, okay. So did you switch your class schedule? So now you're taking gym instead of business law? Terrific! That's great. Okay, see you soon. Bye.
New Haven, Connecticut
Overheard by: who calls their son
5PM Then I'll Go Take the Dunce Cap Off the Coffee-Maker
Copier guy (about malfunctioning copier): I'm going to turn this copier off for a while so it can think about itself.
San Francisco, California
4PM Learned It in Prison
Female cube dweller: We're moving next week, but it's taking forever to get everything packed. Michael is such an anal packer.
Charleston, South Carolina
3PM Suddenly I Feel Like I'm Back in Amsterdam
Confused customer: So is there a line? How do I get someone to wait on me?
Helpful older customer: Oh, you just wait for a loose lady to come and help you.
York, Maine
2PM ...in the Words of Calista Flockhart's Nutritionist
Female employee #1: You wouldn't believe the number of loan apps on my desk today--it's brutal.
Female employee #2: Yeah, it's either fast or famine around here...fast or famine.
Albany, New York
1PM Essentially, I'll Be Submerging Her in a Tub
Large lesbian boss to employee: I'm going to give her a mouthful... Uhm...I mean a...uhm, eyeful, uhm...wait, earful. I'm going to give her an earful.
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Trying not to picture it
12PM Aren't People from Outside the US Supposed to Be Good Spellers?
CSR: May I have your name, please?
Customer: It's "Kathy."
CSR: Just to verify, that's "k" for Kansas, "a" for apple, "t" for Tom, "h" for Harry, and "y" for, ummm...uhh...Wyoming?
Customer: Correct.
Quezon City
Philippines
11AM Now I Just Work, Go Home, and Cry Myself to Sleep
Girl: I gave up dick for lent.
Jericho, New York
10AM I Told You We Shouldn't Have Hired a Nun
Male teen: I sent her to get it, but you know you can't trust Lisa with cheap beer.
Rogers, Arizona
Overheard by: Joel
9AM Ed Crosses Another Border
Receptionist: You think that's ghetto? This morning I straight-up taped my bra straps to my shoulders! Here, listen. (crinkles tape under shirt)
Spicewood Springs Road
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
5PM I Miss High School
Girl at register: There's no time for crazy anal tonight. There's never time for crazy anal.
Ridgewood, New Jersey
Overheard by: but i like crazy anal...
4PM Last Time It Took Us Days to Get the Feathers Out of the Ceiling
Disgruntled programmer: I would cut the head off a chicken right now and perform a Santeria ritual in order to get this program to work!
Newtown, Pennsylvania
3PM Can We Write Up a Work Order?
Agent, about client: She is just as nice as pie! I swear, she should get pregnant more often.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM And They Get Course Credit for It?
Physician on phone: They throw darts at each other's butts?!
32nd St
New York City, New York
1PM Dealing with Foul-Mouthed Jerks All Day
Customer: Man, you have a shitty fucking job.
Sales rep: Yeah.
Whitcoulls
Lower Hutt
New Zealand
Overheard by: You Bet I Did
12PM I Accidentally Swallowed Another Memo
Boss to employee: Read between my lips.
Queens, New York
Overheard by: Socket
11AM Unless Your Keyboard's Been Circumflexed
Boss: You have to press the asserkist key. It's on top of the 8.
Nanaimo
BC
Canadia
10AM Lube and Oil Change?
Coworker discussing photos from a client: We really need some more photos of people being serviced.
Ad Agency
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Tom
9AM You Know, I Have the Same Problem at Home
Employee (during global teleconference with CEO): I don't have a question, but I just wanted to thank you for the opportunity to work here. Although I am deaf, it hasn't stopped me from having a chance of proving myself.
CEO: I appreciate your comment. That is a subject that is near and dear to my heart, since I have a son who is deaf.
Employee: What?
New Jersey
Overheard by: Snickering
5PM Why There Are So Few Mexican Internet Cafes
Cube rat #1: Hey Chris, go install this on Ben's computer.
Cube rat #2: (lets out audible fart)
Cube rat #1: Never mind.
Cube rat #2: Hey, I'm only getting two bars for my laptop's Wi-Fi connection.
Cube rat #3: It's because that damn fart cloud is out blocking the signal!
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Cube Rat Holding Nose
4PM When I Have Time to Inflate Him
Office mate: Someday I'm going to have to crawl under my desk and pick up my husband...
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: Andrea
3PM When Serial Killers Dream
Woman: Hopefully I'll have a few carcasses when I get home.
Norwich
England
Overheard by: Nat
2PM Drat and Deuteronomy!
Christian male cube dweller: I don't hear curse words for days at a time.
Lapsed female Catholic cube dweller: What?! Sitting next to me?!
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
1PM And That's When I Realized I May Not Be a Lesbian
Sales exec: I've seen things in the women's bathroom that I never want to see again in my life. And I've seen them more than once.
St Louis, Missouri
12PM I Can't Stand His Awaker-Than-Thou Attitude
Office peon #1: He has a tendency not to sleep when he's at work.
Office peon #2: That's good, that's good. Should we invite him for tonight?
Office peon #1: Nah.
Manila
Philippines
Overheard by: Kaye
11AM Business Conspires Against the Human Body and All Its Workings
Redneck salesman #1: Don't you have a customer coming into the showroom?
Redneck salesman #2: I sure do, but if she's there when I walk in I'm gonna walk right by because I have got to take a shit.
Wichita, Kansas
Overheard by: crittle monkey
10AM Would You Quit Swinging at Those Windmills?
Employee #1: Dude, have you ever dreamed with your eyes open?
Employee #2: Uh... Yeah, it's called thinking.
Pomona, California
9AM Different Religions Have Varying Explanations
Case worker: Deb*, where can I find the new intake forms?
Deb*: You know, I've always wondered about that.
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
5PM Indian or African Elephant, Sir?
President yelling at CFO: You eat an elephant one bite at a time, but we're trying to swallow it whole and we're starting with the tusks!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
4PM And a TV, a Hot-Plate, a Pup Tent...
Secretary, looking for manager: Have you seen Thomas* anywhere?
Peon at photocopier outside restroom: Yeah, he's just gone in there. I think he might be a while.
Secretary: Why?
Peon: He was carrying some sandwiches and a coffee.
Onehunga
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: KiwiBloke
3PM Isn't There Supposed to Be a Tortoise in This Story?
Disgruntled employee at table filled with others: I don't know what's gonna win the race: a heart attack, finding a new job, or getting laid off.
Blue Bell, Pennsylvania
2PM Forcing Us to Hire More Temps
Middle-aged manager: Whoa! You're new here!
Young female temp (making copies): Yeah, I just started on Monday, I'm a temp.
Middle-aged manager: Has anyone shown you the dead bodies yet?
Young female temp: Uh, no.
Middle-aged manager: Once the temps realize what creeps we are, they kill us.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: a temp
1PM This Is a Proud Day for Trannies Everywhere
Boss: Then Megan* and Elizabeth* can review it.
Lisa: Don't you mean Courtney*?
Boss: Oops! Excuse me. You're right.
Lisa: I know; We Americans all sound alike.
Boss: No, not really. I do the same thing with my kids.
Lisa: Are they all the same gender?
Boss: Not at all. I've got three of them--one of each.
Lisa: Okay. One's male and one's female. What's the third one?
Boss: (silence)
Redwood City, California
12PM James Often Regrets Going to Work for Donner Party Supplies
Coworker: You're pissed at me because Dave* wants to eat you!?
Alpharetta, Georgia
11AM For the Last Time, Tasseled Loafers Aren't That Evil
Office philosopher: Short people can't be trusted. Too close to the ground. You know, where the devil is.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM How Will He Locate It When There Are So Many in This Office?
Sales VP: You know, Dave* in IT has a navigation tool you can use to help you with that project.
Marketing VP: Great! (mutters note to self) Must ask Dave to show me his tool.
(CEO starts giggling uncontrollably)
Lexington, Massachusetts
9AM So Which Is Scarier, Life or Death?
Employee #1: Oh my, that Rue McClanahan did not age well.
Employee #2: But Betty White kept it. Good for her.
Brea, California
Overheard by: rehey
5PM Yehah, Typing Wiith Onej Hand Succks
Part-time receptionist: This is why people should have more arms.
Naperville, Illinois
Overheard by: Ready to go home
4PM He Came Over on a Temporary Visa from San Francisco
Manager: I remember him when he was still an exchange student, what do you call those?
Intern: Interns?
Oakland, California
3PM I've Always Wondered How These Things Appeared
Receptionist looking out the window: Wow, they're really building that building over there.
New York City, New York
2PM Now Go Have a Snack and Get Ready for Naptime
Boss lady: So this list needs to be redone and given back to me. The deadline is July 1st.
New worker: But it's August 10th!
Boss lady: Oh, honey, you work for the Government now, nobody gets in a hurry when they work for the Government.
Raleigh,North Carolina
1PM I Can Hear the Gospel Singing All the Way Down the Hall
Coworker returning from restroom: There's joy in the men's room.
Macon, Georgia
12PM Lunch Required a Gantt Chart
Manager: It's complicated to be me today.
Madison Avenue
New York City, New York
11AM Your Date's Slow Leak Shocked and Saddened Us All
Serious boss: Tom*, we need to discuss the appropriate use of inflatable novelties at the beach.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Last day at work
10AM Well, We Are the Bikini Carwash Company
Office dictator: Folks, I just met with the budget people, and we really need to adhere to our T&A until the end of the year.
Peon: Um, do you mean T&E?
Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
9AM Plus He'll Never Play Naked Again
Customer #1: He was whacking it, and when I say whacking, I mean he was really going at it!
Customer #2: So you saw him do it?
Customer #1: Yeah, he was really embarrassed afterwards, but at least he was enjoying himself.
Customer #2: So what happened?
Customer #1: He was hitting it too hard and it snapped!
Customer #2: Oh... So you need a new PlayStation controller then?
Customer #1: Yeah.
K-Mart
Australia
5PM You'll Get What You Need, but It'll Be Messy and Unpleasant
President: You can ask them for it, but technically, when it comes to that, we would no longer be partners, but competitors.
Intern: So it's like we're in a dysfunctional marriage with them? Like love/hate?
President: It's more like they're a bitch and it's the wrong time of the month.
Tampa, Florida
4PM Having Lost the Thread, I Sit in the Labyrinth Waiting for the Minotaur
Very old man: Dammit, I forgot to take my medication.
Adult son: So take it now.
Very old man: I'm supposed to take it right after meals.
Adult son: But you just finished your meal.
Very old man: I know, so I'm going to take it now.
Adult son: So you didn't forget.
Very old man: Yeah, but if I didn't remember, I would have forgotten it.
Long Beach Diner
Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
3PM So Many Skin Cells in So Much Pain...
Producer #1: Ever since I started taking this new pill I cry when I see commercials for fucking Sunset Tan!
Producer #2: Oh, I don't need the pill to cry at commercials like that!
Beverly Hills, California
2PM I Need Plausible Deniability Regarding His Whereabouts
Boss: He's going to either London or England. I'm not sure which.
Pasadena, California
Overheard by: Paper Pusher
1PM When Pragmatists Attempt Wisdom
Forgetful manager: Fool me once... Um... Shame on me... Fool me twice... And... I'll have to file a disciplinary report on you.
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: clang
12PM Here's a Question: Why Wouldn't Nuts Be Vegan?
Marketing manager: Do you want some vegan nuts?
Operations wonk (after long pause): I don't think you should ever say that to me again.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
11AM Dear Sir-- Might I Have Your Phone Number?
Bored cubicle rat: That's my penis? It looks like a leg!
Marysville, Washington
10AM A Simple "You're Not Fat" Will Suffice
Female Asian coworker: I need to lose weight. I'm considered fat for an Asian girl.
Male Asian coworker: But you're more like a black girl. Asian men don't want the normal Asian girl. We're tired of body surfing!
Chambers Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: uncivil servant
9AM I'm a Cyborg
Technical support worker on phone: I am not a robot!
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: RockJonny
5PM He Sent the Boy on His Way with a Warning and Season 1 of Law and Order
Judge: Son, there is a reason most murders take place between 10 pm and 4 am. If you do not want to *get* murdered, do not find yourself out at those times.
Detroit, Michigan
4PM Hate Baseball. Love Northerners
Coworker to another: Are you a Yankee fan or a baseball fan?
E 42nd street
New York City, New York
3PM In a Manner of Speaking, I Suppose
Male employee to foreign coworker: So you're going swimming today? Brought your Speedos?
Foreign coworker: You mean my panties?
Maylands Avenue
Hertfordshire
England
Overheard by: laughing uncontrollably
2PM Even a Better Investment Than Her College Tuition
Office guy: So I told her I would give her $15,000 and a ladder to elope. And that she could keep the ladder when she got back.
Stratford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Zaphod B.
1PM Eventually, You Run Out of Things to Say to Your Conjoined Twin
Admin to boss: Well, you're totally opposite from me, but we have different brains.
Seattle, Washington
12PM Kevin Federline Has a Rare Moment of Self-Awareness
Coworker: Oh, you know what? I'm retarded.
East Windsor, Connecticut
11AM It Would've Been Like a Bad Flashback to a Middle-School Party
Overworked admin: I typed up that document for you.
Stressed-out peon: Thanks for saving me several hours of incompetent, fat, fingering.
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Roma Tekovi
10AM Unless You Seriously Consider a Boob Job
Office grunt: Tony*, you're retarded--of course you're going to be poor!
Wall Street
New York City, New York
9AM Could Someone Please Re-Set His Needle?
Office assistant on the phone in cubicle: Who's your deddy, who's your deddy? Who's your deddy, who's your deddy, who's your deddy?
Michigan Ave
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: It ain't me, that's for sure!
5PM And I Think I Saw a Priest Carrying Holy Water
Editor: Alright, I'm outta here, have a nice night.
Reporter: Be careful! It's sunny out there!
Manahawkin, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
4PM It's Times Like This a Man Really Craves a Cigarette
Manager: Finally finished after the system went down on me, twice.
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM And If Pus Is Involved, Back Slowly Away.
Office manager on phone: Well, maybe you don't want to touch it at all. You don't know until you get down there and look at it.
Sterling Heights, Michigan
2PM If You Have to Ask, You'll Never Know
Guy: I have to go see my mom, she just had her hip replaced.
Intern: Where is "hipper place"?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: JDS
1PM And We'd Have Unlimited Wine!
Coworker helping boss: If I was Jesus, you'd be washing your hands right now.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Time
12PM "Poor Lewis," I'll Say, 'Didn't Even Know His Own Name."
Supervisor: I'll just call you Phil.
Temp called Tom*: Please don't.
Supervisor: Fine, how about I call you Lewis?
Maylands Avenue
Hertfordshire
England
11AM When Art-History Majors Enter the Workforce
Teller #1: How am I over my cash limit? I just transferred you $30,000!
Teller #2: Did you put the transfer through right?
Teller #1: Yeah! I had $60,000. How am I still over my limit of $20,000?
Teller #2: You had $60,000.
Teller #1: Yes.
Teller #2: And you transferred me $30,000.
Teller #1: Uh huh.
Teller #2: What does that leave you with?
Teller #1: Oooooh...
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: They handle your money, people!
10AM Or Rub Them on Your Sensitive Areas
Title clerk #1: Are those Doritos spicy?
Title clerk #2: Oh, they're only spicy when you eat them.
New Philadelphia, Ohio
Overheard by: ORLY?
9AM You Could Be a Finance Wizard!
Kid with glasses: ...and the last one comes out on Saturday!
Biker-looking dad: Would you stop with your Harry Potter dorkiness? Why can't you be obsessed with something worthwhile? Like personal finance!
Aberdeen, Maryland
5PM Yes, But Things Move Slower in the South
Shipping clerk: What time is it in Virginia? Are they ahead of us or behind us?
Shipping manager: They're to the right of us.
Shipping clerk: Huh?
Shipping manager: Virginia is on the East Coast. The same east that the sun rises on.
Shipping clerk (after some thought): Okay, so it's earlier there?
Shipping manager: No, it's later by one hour.
Shipping clerk (after a little more thought): How can it be later in Virginia if the sun is still rising there? It's been up here for a few hours now!
Des Moines, Iowa
4PM Scooby-Doo: Ruh-Roh, Raggy!
Four-year-old boy: Mom...mom, I have to go potty.
Mom: Okay... Just a minute.
Four-year-old boy: Mom... Mom...I have to gooooo.
Mom: Okay...I said in just a minute.
Grandmother (standing up): I'll take him.
Mom: That's okay, I'll take him.
(grandmother turns away to sit down)
Four-year-old boy: Mom, I just gotta go to!
Mom: Okay honey... Just hold it for one second!
Four-year-old boy: Hold what?
Mexican Restaurant
Huntsville, Alabama
Overheard by: Melonia S
3PM We've Already Outsourced Much of Your Work to That Coatrack
Cubicle drone #1 (while physically beating cubicle drone #2): You could be replaced by a rubber tree plant!
Bowmanville
Ontario
Canadia
2PM Mr. Magoo Wouldn't Listen, Though
Boss in hallway (with hand on doorknob): Are you joining me in this conference room?
Peon: That's the closet.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: just another peon
1PM Like My Cat
Coworker #1: Yes, I am so sick of this dog... and I haven't even taken it home yet.
Coworker #2: Wait until it starts peeing and pooping all over the place. Puppies do that until you get them trained.
Coworker #1: I wish it could just watch a tape and be trained.
River Road
Conshohocken, Pennsylvania
12PM So I Can Write It on a Tissue and Then Blow My Nose
Customer: Can you please put me on your do-not-call list?
Telemarketer: Sure... how do you spell that?
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Bored!
11AM In Fact, Let's Go to the Bar for Some "Medication" Right Now
Assistant: I heard you told someone in the office that we're all on medication here. I take offense to that. I'm not on medication.
Boss: You should be. It gets you through the day so much easier.
Connecticut
10AM Did She Just Give Me an Insider Horse-Racing Tip?
CSR: Okay, is there anything else?
Underling: No that's it.
CRS: Okay... you have a good day.
Underling: You have a winning day with Jesus!
CSR: Uh... sure, you too.
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Not Improperly Sore, Like I Was in Prison
Manager on phone: How was my day off? Well, I'm properly sore now.
Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
5PM He Hibernates for Two Months a Year
Coworker #1: Who else do we know that's born in February?
Coworker #2: Marilyn's the 26th.
Coworker #1: You sure?
Coworker #2: Yes, because her birthday's right after Thanksgiving.
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Faydra
4PM Spoken Like Someone Who Didn't Go to an NYC Public School
Coworker: Supposedly it's called "wanger." You know, what people used to call each other in the 5th grade?
New York City, New York
3PM Her Preschooler Goes Around Singing SexyBack
Manager strolling through office (singing): "Head, shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes. Head, shoulders knees and toes..."
Hertfordshire
England
2PM And All My Good Silverware Was Missing
Male coworker to another: I woke up this morning and you weren't there.
7th St
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Phone Slave
1PM But Can You Take This?
Op: You know what would make a great pet?
Ernie: No, what?
Op: A badger.
Ernie: Yeah, great. Great at ripping human flesh off.
Op: Exactly, burglar protection.
Ernie: No, I was talking about your flesh.
Op: Oh... I can take it.
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM You Upload Separately Your Letters of Hors D'oeuvres
Guy: You need to get one of them "faux pas" things, they won't even consider you if you don't have one. You need to go to the web site and turn them in a "faux pas."
Girl: Do you mean a "resume"?
Medical Center
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Annie Mosity
11AM Can't Wait 'til the Official Language Of the U.S. Becomes Southern
Secretary on phone: How am I? I'm finer than a frog's hair split four ways.
(pause) I *said* I'm... finer... than... a... frog's... hair... split... four... ways.
(pause) It means I'm miserable!
Virginia Tech
Blacksburg, Virginia
10AM Harry Potter Stands Forlornly, Clasping a Squeegee
Busy mother on phone: No, I don't want some damn wizard to clean up my desktop. I said no, go away.
Satellite Boulevard
Duluth, Georgia
9AM People Without Boundaries Are Everywhere
Manager to employee: Yeah, just put it right in there... It's okay, I got tested this morning! (15 minutes later) Oh, it's infectious. I have to put cream on it.
Ybor City, Florida
5PM Freedom Means We Can Use Any Colors We Want
Peon: What colors do we use for the Fourth of July?
Briarcrest & 29th
Bryan, Texas
4PM Now Everyone Pick Up Your Buckets and Start Bailing
Company owner trying to allay fears: We are not a sinking ship! This company is worth $700,000. It's hard to sink a $700,000 ship!
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: BrainFuzz
3PM You're Depleting a Precious Natural Resource
Payroll girl on phone: No, we can't find the time cards... No, she didn't lose them... Hahahahaha. (to secretary who lost time cards) George says your butt sucks major canal water!
Secretary who lost time cards: What!?
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM I'm Telling You, South Africans Do Not Play
Client staring at fish in tank: They are pretty when they swim around.
Hostess: Would you like to join them, sir?
Sandton
Johannesburg
South Africa
1PM I Did My Doctoral Thesis on Everybody Poops
Coworker to office: I love poo: poo is my favorite subject!
Belfast
Northern Ireland
Overheard by: Ally Beare
12PM Ask the Adult Film Industry
Teen intern: Is dirt alive?
Suitland, Maryland
11AM We're Always Semi-Happy to See You, Sir
Elderly man, yelling at pharmacist: What the hell do I need a 90-day supply for? How do I know I'm going to live for another 90 days? Change this to a 30-day supply. If I need more, I'll come back!
CVS Pharmacy
Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
10AM The Airing-Out Process Takes at Least Four Days
(on casual Friday)
Female employee to male employee: So you only wear pants on Fridays?
Wooded Acres Drive
Waco, Texas
9AM Hey, In San Francisco, It's a Capital Crime
Female office dolt: Oh my god! I need to put my sweater away before I get fined!
Water Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Cubicle Gnome
5PM Which Is Common Practice in the Bronx
Data entry thug: Your family has a practice, and the practice is to bend you over backwards and fuck you as hard as they can.
Bronx
New York City, New York
Overheard by: glad I'm not related
4PM In American Life Sex and Violence Are Inextricably Linked
Coworker #1: You know, shoot them with shotguns, like with tranquilizers.
Coworker #2: Bang! Bang! (makes shotgun motions)
Coworker #3: That's how the doctor put in my IUD.
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM Baby Hercules Surprised Everybody
Man on cell: He put you into a headlock and gave you a noogie? (pause) You realize our son is eight months old? (pause) Okay, almost nine months but still he can barely move his fingers, let alone put you into a headlock.
Founders Plaza
East Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Bamber
2PM Is That the Word on the Street?
Office executive: Did you hear that 38th Street is like, the new... Street?
W 38th St
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
1PM I'll Do My Best to Live Up to That. Now
Boss: You're out smoking again? I thought you were quitting?
Assistant: I start taking the Chantix tomorrow morning, smoke for a week and throw the cigarettes away and double the dose.
Boss: Okay, can I give you shit for it?
Assistant: All you want, I'll be a complete bitch and make your life hell.
Boss on intercom: Everyone, you have the next 2 months off: assistant is going to be a bigger bitch than usual.
Fountain Valley, California
12PM I Think We Still Have an Inflatable Gladiator Ring Around Here Somewhere...
(two bosses are arguing)
Coworker #1: They are going to kill each other.
Coworker #2: Good, then we don't have to be bothered with them anymore.
School of Dentistry
University of Michigan
Overheard by: I love my job, I love my job, I love my job
11AM Perhaps Some Silver Bullets or a Stake
Distressed older coworker: I don't get it. I unplugged my computer last night and I'm still getting e-mails. I don't know what I have to do to stop them.
Pensacola, Florida
10AM The Boss May Have Delegated His Digestion to Me
(toilet, stall to the left)
Coworker: Corn? Corn? When did I have corn?
Harrisburg , Pennsylvania
Overheard by: in between stalls
9AM Or Risk Looking Less Like an American
Manager: I'm going to go take my break now. I have to feed my fat roll.
Borthwick Avenue
Portsmouth, New Hampshire
Overheard by: I have one too
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