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May 2008 Archives
5PM You Had Us at "Smegma Sandwich"
Cubicle #1: That movie was complete donk.
Cubilce #2: You're a snob. I thought it was fun, and I loved the Roxanne Tango bit.
Cucible #1: Dude, that movie was a smegma sandwich and fuck anyone who says otherwise.
Cubicle #3: Hear, hear.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: still laughing
4PM That's Right Up There With "Neato" and Giving a Thumbs-Up
Coworker, reading an e-mail: Oh no... We can't hire someone that says "TGIF".
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I agree
3PM Janitorial Contracts Have More Escape Hatches Than a 747
Woman in lift, noticing man cleaning doors: I can't believe they clean a fucking elevator shaft, but it takes them a week to clean dried-up vomit in the foyer!
Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Admin
2PM Mistake? What Were You Trying to Do?
Psychiatrist: I once made the mistake of taking a cat in the shower with me.
Elizabeth, New Jersey
Overheard by: invisi-tern
1PM God: This Guy's Handwriting Is Terrible
Dude #1, at urinal: Shouldn't we have two different organs for peeing and reproducing?
Dude #2: Submit a design change request to god.
Bangalore
India
12PM Stop Answering Me With Your Mouth Full!
DBA to male co-worker: I want service! I'm coming to you to be serviced!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: I thought that belonged in the men's room...
11AM You Are All Coming to My Beat Poetry Jam, Right?
Attorney: Wait until I get into my fecal matter/colon thing.
New York City, New York
10AM It's Not My Fault It Has Four Glass Walls
Intern: Honestly, I can only dance naked in so many places! Sometimes the studio really is the most convenient.
Washington, DC
9AM They Seem to Think They Come from Different 'Countries'
Office vet #1: Lisa* was showing me how to use chopsticks at lunch today, you know, cause she's Asian.
Office vet #2: Lisa*?
Office vet #1: You know, the girl we work with in third party...I don't know what kind of Asian she is, apparently there's different kinds, you know...
St. Paul Plaza
Baltimore, Maryland
5PM I Cut My Lip on the Dismount, Though
Attorney: I drank 14 beers last night.
Admin: You counted?
Attorney: I counted this morning. That was a solid performance, if I do say so myself.
Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
4PM Preferably Not in a Body Bag
CSR #1: So, no one was murdered yesterday?
CSR #2: Yeah, I guess it was a good day.
CSR #1: Depends on your point of view.
CS supervisor: I'm leaving.
Staples Drive
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Heater
3PM Because Your Nipples Are Turning Blue
Internet sweatshop girl: Its getting cold in here!
Internet sweatshop guy: Does it make you want to put on all of your clothes?
Hell's Kitchen
New York City, New York
2PM So I Date a Lot of Seniors
Guy behind counter: I have a fetish for pre-creased items.
Café Boulange
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Ladle
1PM Look, a String of Colored Paper!
Coworker: With as much time as we spend pulling stuff out of our ass around here, it's amazing they even give us chairs.
Fort Worth, Texas
12PM Do You Really Want Me Hanging Around 'Til I Find One?
Purchasing manager: Can I borrow a pencil?
Receptionist: No. If you don't come prepared, I ain't helping you.
Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
11AM It Takes Chicken to Make a Tender Moment
Token black kid: When Obama is elected we'll have fried chicken Fridays!
Super white Californian: I love fried chicken!
[they quickly embrace]
UMass
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: wallflower
10AM The Company Should've Trained Him
Manager: I'll never get promoted. I'm misunderestimated.
[manager leaves]
HR Clerk: If "misunderestimated" is defined as crapping your pants at work, then he is misunderestimated.
Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM People With No Short-Term Memory Shouldn't Use the Phone
CSR: Click on the number on the left hand side.
Customer: Okay.
CSR: Okay, did that take you to a different page?
Customer: You want me to type in the number?
CSR: No, click on the number.
Customer: Okay.
CSR: Did that take you to a different page?
Customer: No.
CSR: Did you click on the number?
Customer: I didn't click on anything.
CSR: Click on the number.
Customer: What number?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: loves three way calling and the mute button
5PM Fair Warning, People
Coworker: I don't really feel guilt. But then again, I'm kind of a sociopath.
Walpole, New Hampshire
4PM Definitely Do It
Office worker to colleague: Hey, is it okay to put tinfoil in the microwave?
Office manager, from the kitchen: Fire!
Northern Canadia
3PM ...Dad
Female co-worker on the phone: When is your wife going out of town? We need to get together.
Little Rock, Arkansas
Overheard by: D
2PM Translation: You'll Just Get Used to the Pain
IT worker: If you use it a whole bunch of times it will become intuitive.
Madison, Connecticut
1PM Best to Forget About Milwaukee Entirely
Female student: Where are you from?
Male student: Milwaukee.
Female student: Oh, you know, I always forget Milwaukee is a state.
Vanderbilt University
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM She Appeared to Me in a Vision and Said "Try the Other Hole"
Boss: Jamie Lynn Spears?
Worker: No! Jamie Lynn DiScala. Meadow from The Sopranos.
Boss: Omg, I saw her when I was getting pregnant!
Park Ave
New York City, New York
11AM And the Grand Jury Refused to Indict Me
Senior VP, flipping through Rolodex: I am just removing the ones that are dead.
Employee: [silent look of horror]
Senior VP: Oh, there are only three!
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lisa
10AM No Lady Should Examine Bacteria Unescorted
Male postdoc: Are you sure you can't do this experiment alone tomorrow?
Female postdoc: I'm sure! I'll ask someone to help! I can't do it alone! I'm too short! Pretty! Boobs, and stuff!
Physics Lab
Hunter College, New York
9AM You'll See a Darkening of Hue, Is My Point
CPR instructor: ... And how do we tell if an infant isn't breathing? He will flail around a little and will also turn blue or purple.
Black cop: Um, not trying to be an ass, but what if the baby is my color?
White cop: Oh yeah... That's known as blurple.
CPR Class, Police Department
Colorado Springs, Colorado
5PM May Be a Downside I Don't See, Though
Sales rep: I've been trying to get them to cut off my leg to the knee. All you got to do is polish it once a month!
Northpoint
San Francisco, California
4PM Why Are You Giggling, Sir?
Social worker on the phone: No sir, the hospital does not offer financial assistance for penile prosthesis. Well, have you spoken with Dr. Wang in the erectile dysfunction clinic?
Holcombe & Bertner
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Just the Secretary
3PM Wait, Where Are You All Going?
President: In the process of moving our data center across the Atlantic, we have eliminated the Director of Operations position. We will not be refilling it.
Ops member: Are we downsizing?
President: Well, we are down one.
Spear Street
San Francisco, California
2PM That's Parliament for You
Female office worker: It just goes soggy and loose... Then moves to the side.
Hemel Hempstead
Hertfordshire
England
Overheard by: Lorzgrins
1PM Thighs Wide Shut
Sales guy on speakerphone: Ok, ok -no jokes here. I'm lost on gay street.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Natalie
12PM The Afternoon Seems Endless When You Drink at Lunch
Tech support engineer: I can't believe I have pants on!
Rt. 1
Ipswich, Massachusetts
11AM One Of Them Already Told Me to Stop Slouching
Manager, giving "Take your kid to work day" tour: Do you know who works in this department?
Kid on tour: Old people!
Oak Tree Boulevard
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM He Was a Scumbag's Scumbag
Feisty secretary: Man, could that man spit!
Newcastle, Delaware
Overheard by: What else could he do?
9AM But Why Is There Food Cooking Inside?
Blonde peonette #1: Is this the fax machine?
Blonde peonette #2: It *sounds* like it is.
Beale Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: wicked
5PM The Riddle Of the Sphincter Redux
Cube mate on phone: Hey! What's up butt-lord?
[silence] No kidding! You're such an American asshole. Later!
3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: radioman
4PM You Call This a Gay Bar?
Stranger at urinal, before storming out of the bathroom: They don't play enough Cher, that's what blows!
Melville, New York
3PM He's on His Cigarette Break
Patient: Help! Help me! Someone!
Patient's tech, upon entering room: Sir! Sir, what are you yelling for?
Patient: Sanity!
Bowling Green, Kentucky
2PM Doesn't Seem to Matter Whose
Big boss to bigger boss, while on phone with car seller: How much are your car payments?
Bigger boss: An arm, a leg, and a testicle!
Worcester Road
Natick, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Meg
1PM What Do You Mean It Bit You?
Man on phone: Did you find your tree? Did you hug your tree?
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Does a Strip-o-Gram Qualify?
Cute brunette: I have to buy my 92-year-old grandmother a gift, what should I get her?
Old hag of a coworker: Something perishable.
Downtown Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Rhymes with Regina
11AM My Workouts Are Like Meetings Where Nothing Gets Decided
Analyst #1: I tried working out last night.
Analyst #2: How much did you lift?
Analyst #1: I had 225 on the bar.
Analyst #2: Did you get it up?
Analyst #1: Nah, I chickened out.
Cookeville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Diddy
10AM Paper Invented People to Carry It from Place to Place
Assistant: I became a secretary because I relate well to paper.
Goldsboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Wow
9AM You Know What -- I'll Just Take a Water
Waiter to customer: I'm sorry, but we're out of swiss. Would you like mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: Swiss.
Waiter: No, we don't have swiss. Do you want mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: You don't have swiss?
Waiter: Nope, but we do have mozzarella and cheddar.
Customer: That sucks!
Waiter: Yeah, I'm sorry. Would you like either mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: What other cheeses do you have?
Waiter: Mozzarella and cheddar.
Customer: Don't you have any other cheeses?
Salt Lake City, Utah
5PM And Once You're There, You're Not Here at All
Female co-worker, just returned from holiday: Oh, Shanghai was wonderful, but I was amazed at how Chinese it was.
Canberra
Australia
Overheard by: What? China's Western isn't it?
4PM That Was Less Fun Than I'd Hoped
Worker on phone: Say catastrophe.
Worker on loudspeaker: Castastrosy.
Worker on phone: Yeah, now say catastrophic.
Worker on loudspeaker: Castrastrosic.
Worker on phone: See?
Worker on loudspeaker: See what?
Hemel Hempstead
Hertfordshire
England
Overheard by: Yes i see, this is defintitely catastrophic
3PM The Snack With the Receptacle Tip
Co-worker: Some people buy rubbers for other reasons: I buy them to eat them.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Cheryl
2PM I Believe the Correct Answer Is "World Peace," Miss Wisconsin
Engrossed boss: I need some cheese balls, a highlighter and some tartar sauce.
60th Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
1PM That's England's Married Name
Manager: This plug adapter is for taking something to the UK.
Woman: I don't know what the UK is. I'm going to England, not the UK.
Pleasanton, California
Overheard by: Stephen
12PM The Court Limited Mom to an Inflatable Car
Girl #1: Hey, when is that festival?
Girl #2: I think it's sometime in the beginning of May?
Girl #1: We should totally go.
Girl #2: Yes... It will be fun, we can run over pedestrians like your mom did that one time.
Girl #1: Oh yeah! I forgot about that...
Girl #2: Haha, she just kept driving.
Greene Turtle, Main Street
Bel Air, Maryland
Overheard by: GlynnisO
11AM You Don't Have Enough Digits There, Larry
Boss: Alright everyone, I'm leaving for the day. Everyone knows my cell phone number, right?
Peon: 1-800-sex?
Northern Iowan
Cedar Falls, Iowa
10AM The Richard Simmons Video That Never Made It to Shelves
Male co-worker on phone: So my toe is definitely broken. No jogging for at least four weeks. So, you wanna come over tonight? If I can't run, then at least I can fuck my way to fitness.
Fairfax, Virginia
9AM Where's My Thesaurus?
Co-worker on phone: Yeah, she was really sick. She was vomiting, and throwing up, and barfing, and everything else.
Washington Street
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: KC
5PM Now Move, Move, Move!
Man, shouting at secretary: No! You will take this to the bank, then you'll pick up my coffee, then you can go in to recovery!
Victoria Parade, East Melbourne
Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
4PM Someone's Been Watching Too Much House
Bookseller: That's "s" as in "sand", "b" as in "Betty", "l" as in... "lupus".
Barnes & Noble
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: lupus? really? you went with lupus?
3PM Dude, You're on Speakerphone
Brit at end of conference call: I'm so glad I don't have to hear that bloody cow anymore.
Large chick: Uh...I'm still here and heard that.
Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Mad Phat Pat
2PM How Was Your Staff Meeting?
Female talking to male co-worker: It was like something out of a V.C. Andrews novel. The one where the brother and sister were locked in the attic and were fucking each other.
Congress Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Frank
1PM Finally I'll Have Something for My Kids to Play On!
[coworkers discussing switching from current ordering system to proposed new system]
Bob: So, it would be like trading in your Honda civic hybrid for an old Schwinn?
Jill: Um, no. It would be like trading in my hybrid for a fucking rusted-out Yugo propped up on cinder blocks in my front yard.
Raleigh Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: snoopdude
12PM Time to Consult the Oracle?
Office West Virginian: I need more samples! Does anyone know when Bill is making more samples?!
Office wise guy: Uh, Bill, maybe?
Office West Virginian: No, I already asked him and he doesn't know.
W. Market Street
Greensboro, North Carolina
11AM I'm a Great Distraction at Funerals
Female grocery stocker to male co-stocker: I laugh when I'm nervous, I can't help it.
Male co-stocker: Yeah?
Female grocery stocker: Yeah. It's really bad on roller coasters, I crack up. And I always laugh before the first kiss... And I laughed when I saw my dog get hit by a car... But I felt bad about that.
Alton Road
South Beach, Florida
Overheard by: BARA
10AM Should I Start Referring to Yeast Infections As "Infiltration of the Defensive Line"?
Female coworker #1: I'm sure *Mark hates being the only guy on these smoke breaks; especially when we start talking about our vagina issues.
Female coworker #2: That's how I feel when y'all talk about football. Football is my vagina.
Sex Toy Company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
9AM I Thought That Chick Seemed a Little Young
Male cube dweller: Isn't that the church where they had the wet t-shirt contest?
Female cube dweller: That was a baptism!
Male cube dweller: Oh...
McLean, Virginia
5PM I Haven't Heard the End of It Since I Buttered the Dog
Guy talking on cellphone while sending a fax: My wife tells me men don't multi-task very well, and I guess I'm proving her... Well.
Seaway Boulevard
Everett, Washington
Overheard by: in my cube
4PM Isn't That a Stapler in Your Pocket?
Manager: Did you give up anything for lent?
Underling: Yeah. Stealing office supplies from your company. It may not be much, but I think it's pretty good considering I'm not even Catholic.
Meacham Boulevard
Haltom, Texas
3PM Why Your Personal Life Should Remain a Mystery
Cashier #1, trying to unlock a drawer at the front desk: I... Can't... Get... The key... To work.
Cashier #2, who recently found out he got his booty-call pregnant: You have to jiggle it, and then pull it out.
Cashier #1, laughing: Cause that has worked so well for you in the past.
Grocery Store
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Loves It!!
2PM But, As Interns Go, She's Pretty Good
Sales rep to customer on phone: Of course the pupils are going to be shaped differently than that of a human...
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
1PM But You Might Want to Stop Nailing Each Other
CFO to staff: You are the tools who get things done...
Raleigh Road
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: tool
12PM I'm Working My Way Up to Eating Grease Out of the Fryer
Big chick: I walked to McDonald's today. It's like the subway diet, only less effective.
McDonald's
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Overheard by: jared
11AM Joe Had to Live with the Knowledge That He Was Outsmarted by a Hollywood Video Clerk
Cashier: You have $3.99 in late fees for No Country for Old Men. Would you like to pay that today?
Customer: I didn't rent that.
Cashier: You handed it to me when you walked in, sir.
Hollywood Video
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Jen
10AM Arlo's Cursed to Wander the World Alone 'til He Can Make a Woman Laugh
Engineer cleaning out her purse: Hey look! I had four cereal bars in there!
Geeky coworker: Look at the way those are laying next to each other on the desk, one right next to the other... Those aren't cereal, they are parallel universes!
Richmond Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: The Surly Programmer
9AM Pop Quiz: Which of These Statements Is True About Elvis?
Boss on phone: That's what I'm saying! He's had his beer, he's had his Vegas, he's a Muslim, and I'm going to hell.
1st Street
Los Angeles, California
5PM Their Speech Is Mostly Clicks and Grunts
Interested boss: Do they even wear make-up in Albuquerque?
Olive Street
Santa Barbara, California
4PM All Their Office Furniture Was Donated By Puritans
Assistant: My ass has taken enough punishment for one day.
Newcastle
Australia
Overheard by: At the next desk
3PM It's Like He Wants to Discourage Our Advances
Middle-aged suit #1: Rob always wears the same suit every day, no matter what.
Middle-aged suit #2: Skank.
Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Has lower standards
2PM Turns Out She's Prone to Rear Collisions
Nervous admin: I am sorry *Eddie is not available, he is currently doing... Doing a customer.
Dealership
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Full Service rep
1PM But Your Willingness to Kiss Up Is Much Appreciated
Interviewee, upon learning that interviewer is an amateur musician: Well, it seems like you have a nice voice... Very Tom Waits-y.
Interviewer: I have a cold.
W 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
12PM Good Thing They Can't Hear Us!
Action officer: Nothing like making fun of the blind to get your morning started.
The Pentagon
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Propagandist
11AM I'm Pretty Sure Death Snatched It
Female workbee #1: *Dan takes this rubber cockroach and tosses it over into *Linda's cubicle. She just freaks and goes running out of the building screaming at the top of her lungs.
Female workbee #2: Do you know if anyone ate her donut?
City Offices
Houston, Texas
10AM Make 'em Fight for Injustice, He Says
Drone on cell: Yeah, the trial is tomorrow... Well, he figured if he was going to prison for a rape he did not do, the state owed him a freebie.
Overland Park, Kansas
9AM Either Way, I Want a Piece
Sales guy #1: What's going on in the break room?
Sales guy #2: What? Why do you ask?
Sales guy #1: The door is closed.
Sales guy #2: Well, someone's getting their butt chewed out or they've got cake in there! It's one or the other!
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Chinese Government: "Who Told You They Exist?"
Female co-worker: Oh my god, I love gay Asians!
Ad Agency
Florida
4PM To Prove It, I'm Introducing a Series of Exhibits
Law school student: I should have been a porn star.
Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM Actually, No. But I've Always Wanted to Shout That
Man #1: I didn't know we had brochures for this product last year.
Woman #1: Let me see. [takes it and looks over] Dude! Check out the hair on this chick's arm!
Man #1: What?! No way! Ewww... Outsourcing stock photos from eastern Europe, for the win! Take a look! [gives it to man #2]
Man #2: [looks it over, then shouts] That's a man, baby!
Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Ang
2PM My What, Now?
Ghetto IT guy: It took me mad long to dig my car out. It was frozen in. I had to use one of the ice chopping things. I was going to town, it looked like I was cutting a huge pile of coke. I was slicing in rows up the whole thing.
IT girl: Ummm... Did you get your car out?
Madison Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Pepsi please
1PM But She's Much Better One-on-One
CSR: There's this guy from a correctional facility who keeps on calling and asking for us to do three-way with him and his fiancée.
New Canton Way
Robbinsville, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon's office moved
12PM Dude, That's My Desk
Bitter intern to cheerful intern: Jeez, stop being so motivated and shit. The only thing I'm actively doing today is refraining from eating magic mushrooms at my desk.
Rockefeller Plaza
New York City, New York
11AM Tear-Drinking Demons Are Surprisingly Thoughtful Colleagues
Receptionist: You know, this is not the first time you've offered to lick my eye.
Assistant: I don't doubt the validity of that statement.
Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: weeelll....hmm.
10AM You Can Always Tell Who Hasn't Surfed the Web Much
Excited sales guy on cell: There's nothing you could do to a pig that I don't like.
Lake Shore Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Amazing Amanda
9AM Whose Lap Will I Sit in Next Time I Need a Cushion?
Sassy Latina operations manager: Where have you been?!?! You've been gone for like an hour!
Spunky marketing manager: What? I was getting a bikini wax!
Sassy Latina operations manager: Oh. [pause] I *thought* your pants looked looser.
M Street, Washington DC
5PM Low-Security Country-Club Bad, or Don't-Pick-up-the-Soap Bad?
Client: How bad? Are we talking about just paying the three million, or are we talking penalties bad?
Accountant: We're talking jail bad.
Broward Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
4PM The Wheels in Her Brain Go Round and Round...
28-year-old intern: How do you spell your last name?
22-year-old intern: "Towne". You know, like "City" only with an "e".
28-year-old agent: Don't you mean like "Town" with an "e"?
22-year-old intern: Nope, I mean "City". But I suppose "Town" would work too. I never thought of that.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
3PM Yeah, a Lot Of Us Peaked in High School
Male financial analyst: I'm having trouble counting to eighteen right now.
Wall Street
New York City, New York
2PM Oh, That Old Question?
Coworker #1: [taking on the phone.]
Coworker #2: Do you sleep in a butter dish or something?
Coworker #1: [continues talking on the phone.]
Houston, Texas
1PM We're the Worst at Math of All the 47 States
Purchasing manager: I'm from Tennessee, so I can't count.
Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Office Wench
12PM We're Gonna Miss Him When He Retires. Or Dies
Man: *Erica, the phone's for you.
Old coworker: What?
Man: It's for *Erica!
Old man: Oh, ok. [picks up the phone] Hello?... Oh, hold on. [puts phone down] *Erica, the phone's for you!
Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC
11AM At Least, That's What It Looks Like through the Keyhole
Older gentleman in response to memo on sexual harassment: In this office we don't have sexual harassment, we just have sex!
Seguin, Texas
10AM Some VPs Are Harder to Train Than Others
Manager: Stop licking my window and get in here.
Maynard Avenue
Williamsport, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Nortea
9AM Stingy and Belligerent, Eh? Why Not Put on Your Kilt While You're at It
Worker: *Liam was great, I didn't want any fucking sympathy and he just got on it with it. I hated my fucking father anyway.
Co-worker: Good.
Worker: I mean I only went to his fucking funeral to make sure the cunt was dead... And to spit on his grave. You know? But *Alan got two and a half days for his fucking mother in law.
Co-worker: Yeah?
Worker: Yeah. I mean I hated the bastard but I still get my three days right?
Co-worker: Right.
DWP
Bathgate
Scotland
5PM From Your Gynecologist?
Male federal employee: I loved those old Startac phones because all they were was a phone. They didn't take pictures. They didn't predict your ovulation cycle. They just took calls!
Independence Avenue
Washington, DC
4PM You Describe Your Social Life in Such Vivid Terms
Programmer: Cause of death... Amazing coding!
University of Maryland
College Park, Maryland
3PM Why Your Brothel Is Losing Money
Older white boss, whispering angrily to female employees: Nobody fucks with my hos...
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: One of the ho's (apparently)
2PM ...But It Sounds Dirty
Statistics professor: ... Because honestly, I don't even know what a box plot is.
University of Maryland
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: student
1PM But Especially Monster Truck Rallies
[sick worker comes to work]
Boss: Shouldn't you be at home eating Ginger Ale and Saltines?
Sick worker: Yeah, probably.
Boss: Everything's better with Ginger Ale and Saltines.
Seagram's Building
New York City, New York
12PM They're Close, But They're Not Ben & Jerry Close
Sales rep: Mmmm... This is good. What is this? Harry and David. Oh... So it's that kind of thing. No, I think they're brothers, actually.
Forsyth Road
Macon, Georgia
11AM I Blame Brandon
Brunette girl #1: So I was in bed for like, a whole week.
Brunette girl #2: Because your vagina was broken?
Brunette girl #1: Yeah...
Lords Valley, Pennsylvania
10AM And the Industry Award for Lowest Absenteeism Goes To...
Coworker #1: He couldn't get it up?
Coworker #2: No, he couldn't get hard.
Coworker #1: Wow, I can at least get hard.
Coworker #2: It was his first shoot. They gave him Viagra and energy drinks and the girl sucked and rubbed him for an hour but he couldn't get hard. Then the director fired him and asked if anyone if could keep it hard for two hours.
Coworker #1: Did you volunteer?
Coworker #2: No, I can stay hard for an hour but not two. But a cameraman did. I felt bad for the girl, she was just 18 and it was her first shoot and the cameraman was like 60.
Coworker #1: Damn. I wish I hadn't called in sick.
Porn Shoot
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: she was ugly
9AM When Life Gives You Lemmings...
Engineer: Did you see that e-mail bob sent?
Technician: Yes, he's creating an army of idiots in his own image!
Wayne, Pennsylvania
5PM It Never Is, of Course
Writer, presenting: I tried to get out of the way and let the thing be the thing, here.
Renton, Washington
4PM Seems Like It Might Take a While to Get to You
Receptionist: I was just going to put this in the mail for you today but since you're here I'll just give it to you.
Customer: Do you want me to mail it?
Rayen Avenue
Youngstown, Ohio
3PM Dude, We're Not a Religion
VP: This is not the correct math.
Director: But I'm applying it consistently.
Normal Avenue
Montclair, New Jersey
2PM noroM gnikcuF uoY
Ditzy customer service rep #1: Isn't there a country where they read right to left?
Ditzy customer service rep #2: Oh, yeah, isn't that England?
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Way Underpaid HR Manager
1PM Go Walk 26 Miles and Come Talk to Me
Co-worker #1: Are you doing the Chicago marathon this year?
Co-worker #2: No. I would but I'm already doing another marathon this year and doing two marathons in one year is just too much.
Co-worker #3: How hard is it to train for a marathon? Left, right, left, right, repeat!
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Frankly, I Think You Need a Break from Those Pasties, Earl
Manager of consultant team: Okay everyone, we're going into the office tomorrow.
Consultant: Aw man, that means we have to wear real clothes!
Mount Laurel, New Jersey
Overheard by: I hate that
11AM Enjoy Staring at Our "Closed" Sign, Ma'am
Customer: And what are your hours?
Leasing rep: We're open from 10 to 6.
Customer: So could I do 6:30?
Leasing rep: No, we close at 6.
Customer: Oh, okay, I guess that'll work then.
Randallstown, Maryland
Overheard by: tkap
10AM The DiCaprio Code Could Hardly Have Been Worse
Jen: Today is Leonardo Da Vinci's birthday.
Beth: Really? I guess he'll be going out to dinner with Gisele Bundchen. Oh wait, they broke up, didn't they?
Jen: [...]
Sylvan Way
Parsippany, New Jersey
Overheard by: Karen
9AM Three's Normal, Right?
Well-dressed 30-something woman: So my son was like: "Mom! There's this ball in my privates and it's moving around!" So I told him to talk to his father because I want nothing to do with this conversion. So he says: "Dad! There's this ball in my privates and it's moving around!" and my husband goes: "Yeah -'cause those are your balls. Women have boobs and men have balls and those are your balls! End of story."
Slightly horrified 20-something woman: Don't you think that will ultimately confuse him?
30-something woman: I know, right?! Anyway, it was so funny... [Laughs] Balls!
Providence, Rhode Island
5PM 2027: JetBlue Loses Brian's Body
Defiant executive: I busted up a funeral procession on my way back from lunch. Can't wait for that karma.
Wausau, Wisconsin
4PM Prepare for Your Troll Years, Sally
Coworker on the phone with her daughter: The days of getting free stuff just because you're cute are over.
County School Office
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Someone who's convinced those days are never over
3PM Curly Always Has to Go Up the Ladder
[Technicians installing a new system]
Technician #1: Ok, well it looks like we need to go up to the ceiling.
Technician #2: I'm going to go up the ladder.
Technician #3: You're going to go up the ladder?
Technician #1: You're going to go up the ladder?
Technician #2: I'm going to go up the ladder.
[Technician #2 goes up the ladder and takes some stuff apart]
Technician #2: Ok, so I think this one is the heating hose.
Technician #1: That one's the heating hose?
Technician #2: Yeah, this one's the heating hose.
Technician #3: Ok, I?m going to activate it. Whoosh.
Technician #2: Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!
[Technician #3 turns it off]
Technician #2: Ok, that's the heating hose.
Enterprise Drive
Oak Brook, Illinois
2PM I'm Also Sorry for My Current Involuntary Venom Seepage
Co-worker made to apologize to client: I'm sorry I didn't have you on hold when I called you an asshole.
Marietta, Georgia
1PM Yours Is Like a Freaking Jack-in-the-Box, Though
Specialist peon to manager peon: It's 3:30 already? My thingy hasn't been popping up all day!
South Park Circle
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: I didn't know girls had thingies
12PM I Got Uncomfortable and Aborted the Conversation
Office chick #1: Wow, I didn't know *Lisa was so religious.
Office chick #2: Oh really, what kind of religion is she?
Office chick #1: I dunno, like Jesus and stuff.
CTI Building
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
11AM The Suicide Hotline Tries to Keep Callers Confused
Woman on phone: Well, do you want to sleep or do you want to die? You can't have it both ways.
Fort Worth, Texas
10AM Stupid Question, Stupider Answer
Clerk behind counter: Has anyone given you anything to carry on or placed anything in your bags that you aren't aware of?
Passenger: How would I know?
American Airlines Terminal
Kennedy Airport, New York
Overheard by: Paul V.
9AM Aesop's Later Work Fell a Bit Short
Pierced guy to friend: So the moral of the story is: "Don't fall asleep in Penn Station when Howie Mandel is around".
Tremont Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM Now, If You'd Just Be Kind Enough to Turn Your Back?
Eager coworker: I took a candy bar from you yesterday, but I didn't have a dollar. And I want to take one again today.
Wausau, Wisconsin
4PM And I Am Now Full
Phone drone, to subscriber on the phone: Every piece of information subscribers tell me I basically file away in my head as a little piece of information.
Technology Drive
Malvern, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: captainobvious
3PM That's a Mannequin, Sir
Manager: What seems to be the problem, sir?
Irate customer: Your employee isn't arguing with me so I can report him to you.
Olympia Sports
Hyannis, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Bobby
2PM Two of Them Were Definitely Envy and Greed
Bank president: Lemme tell you something. There's five key elements to running a company... now what the hell were they?
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
1PM How's This One?
Girl #1: Why you got that scary picture as your wallpaper?
Girl #2: It's not scary. It's a pretty field and a tree.
Manager: It looks like Teletubbies are gonna walk over the hill and kill us all.
Girl #1: Why you gotta be so scary? Why can't you have a normal desktop picture? Like Betty Boop?
Purchase, New York
Overheard by: Is my life really like this?
12PM I Felt Like That Dragon in The Neverending Story
Manager: Never before have the seat of my pants been so flown upon.
Record Exchange
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jonny the Shiv
11AM Or You Get Cast in a Tide Commercial
Man diva: I mean, I cannot believe my little brother didn't notice that stain for five hours! How can you think it's water when it doesn't dry for five hours?
Girl: Well maybe he wasn't paying attention. It was your grandfather's funeral.
Man diva: Ohmigod it's like seven inches across the cuff!
Girl: I'm sure there's somewhere you can still wear them?
Man diva: Yeah, if somebody has a stain party!
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Dry cleaner no good
10AM So There's Gay, Married --and Now Possibly This Third Category
Female peon #1, in reference to cute co-worker: So, what happened with that guy you gave your number to?
Female peon #2: Oh, girl, I didn't tell you?!
Female peon #1: No, what happened?
Female peon #2: Listen to this... he never called me, right? And I really wanted to know what was up with that. So, I walked over to him the other day and said, "Hi, how's it going?" Well, we got to talking, and he said he was sorry he never called, but that he isn't looking for a relationship right now... because he's trying to concentrate on his relationship with Jesus Christ!
[Female peon #1 and eavesdropping co-workers break into laughter.]
Female peon #2: Can you believe that? I was rejected for Jesus!
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: Kitty
9AM We Imagine the Pimply Clerk from The Simpsons in This Role
Customer: I would like four chocolate chip, four raisin, and four cinnamon crunch bagels to go, please.
Employee: [Turns to look at bagel rack, turns back to customer.] I'm sorry ma'am, I can't sell you those.
Customer: But you have four of each sitting right there.
Employee: [Looks back at bagel rack.] But those are the last of our special bagels, and they are reserved for our in-store customers.
Customer: But I'm in your store, and I want to buy your bagels.
Employee: But my manager said I can't sell those to go.
Customer: So let me get this straight. You're selling bagels, I want to buy bagels, but you won't sell me your bagels?
Employee: Well, yes... but it's my manager...
Customer: How bout I speak to your manager?
Employee: [Gets on phone, whispers to manager, comes back to counter.] Okay, I'll sell you the bagels.
Customer, under breath: Holy shit.
Panera Bread
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: kim
5PM That Would Do It, All Right
Employee #1: I don't understand what his problem is...
Employee #2: His problem? He's low-level and he's stupid.
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: CB
4PM We Call It the Snowmobile
Ghetto coworker: My son loves his car, he says he wants to get buried in it. I tell him he's crazy, but it is a really nice car. It's an Oldsmobuick* convertible, cocaine white...
Not-so-ghetto coworker: Cocaine white?
Ghetto coworker: Yeah, you know that really pearly white color?
Not-so-ghetto coworker, sarcastically: Does it have meth-yellow trim?
Ghetto coworker, oblivious: No, just white. But I tell him he's crazy, it would never work. When they put in the dirt it would cave in the roof!
Modesto, California
Overheard by: That's not my job.
3PM Just When You Were Starting to Miss Frasier...
Coworker #1: You know I had trouble finding a Die Zauberflöte ringtone on my phone.
Coworker #2: You know I had the same problem too.
Livonia, Michigan
2PM Due to a Dramatic Rise in Panty-Bunching
Matronly German supervisor: When you do not clean the counters correctly, my balls get very unhappy!
Bahia Vista Street
Sarasota, Florida
1PM Or the Fact That Someone's Listening to Us Talk About Me in a Nappy
Middle management moron: Ha, yes you'd look good in a nappy.
Long-suffering fellow goon: I don't know what disturbs me more: the thought of *me* in a nappy, or the thought of *you* thinking about me in a nappy.
Osborne Park
Western Australia
12PM You're Working a Government Job Now
Sales rep: Don't let facts get in a way of a good sales pitch!
Chicago, Illinois
11AM ...the Color of Pressed Ham
Smoker #1: See this tie? Got it for $1.49 at Jewel.
Smoker #2: Jewel sells ties? It's a grocery store.
Smoker #1: I say fuck 'em, if I have to wear a tie it's going to be a $1.49 Jewel tie.
Wacker
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: I hate my tie too
10AM Remember When We Accidentally Took Out the Wrong Colon? Oh, We Laughed!
[In the ER.]
Nurse #1: Oh my god.
Nurse #2: What?
Nurse #1, looking horrified: I just entered all of these notes on the wrong patient's file.
Nurse #2: It's okay. Just go back, delete, and re-enter them for the right patient.
Nurse #1, distressed at herself: But that's awful! What would have happened?
Nurse #2, shrugging: 's'okay, happens all the time.
Hospital
Beckley, West Virginia
9AM You Celebrate Your Way, I'll Celebrate Mine
Worker: What are those [paper bags with names on them]?
Boss: They're for the holocaust thing today. ... um, we're remembering the holocaust, we're not having another one.
East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
5PM Outsource This!
Guy: Today, from 1:30 to 4:30 I played tic-tac-toe and hangman, and then at 4:30 I played board games and drank booze. I love my job.
Westport, Connecticut
4PM Is It Creepier to Know That Mr. Rogers' Middle Name Was "McFeely"?
Guy: Yeah, so now's the time I go home, take my shoes off, change into sneakers and sing "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood".
Chick: That's kinda creepy.
Guy: Yeah, I guess it is kinda creepy. But that's what I was going for.
Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York
3PM I Still Say That Stripper Needs a Better Stage Name
Cube employee #1: Why did you do that?!?
Cube employee #2: Because you squirted my eye with bubbles of joy.
23rd Street & Park Ave
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Turns out it was just dish soap.
2PM Or Would It Be Better to Say "Happy Newjob"?
Older woman, observing plate of donuts near man: Oh wow, is it your birthday?
Younger man: Actually, it's my last day today. I got another job.
Older woman: Great. Well, happy birthday!
Madison Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Chris
1PM Hey, Who Doesn't Have Stuff in the Freezer That Needs a Decent Burial?
Man on phone: Okay, so I heard you have a raccoon in your freezer.
[Pause]
Man on phone: How did it get there?
[Pause]
Man on phone: Did you kill it? What do you plan do with its body? What do you mean no one wants it?
S. Sycamore Street
Elizabethton
Tennessee
Overheard by: concerned for the racoon
12PM A Day Without Double Entendre Is a Day Without Sunshine
Female coworker, passing her piece of cake to male coworker: You better not touch my creamy bits!
Male coworker: It's okay. I only like the bottom anyway.
Broadway, Newmarket
Auckland
New Zealand
11AM I Stand Ready to Be Proven Wrong on This
Cube dweller: Nobody -not even the lord- can turn a box of toilet paper into wine.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: never a dull moment
10AM Cigarette, Anyone?
CEO wrapping up a video conference: I just want to thank everyone for making this the best three-way I've ever had!
Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Admin Assistant K
9AM Oh No, My PayPal Account Is Empty! How Will I Pay This Strapping Young IT Guy?
Tech guy: I need to update your microscope software, have you seen the dongle?
Grad student: Um... Excuse me?
Tech guy: I need to plug the dongle in to get access to your machine.
Grad student: Uh... What would... That... Look like?
Tech guy: Oh wait, never mind, I see it. Thanks!
[Tech guy leaves.]
Grad student, to undergrad nearby: What the hell was he talking about?
Undergrad: I don't know, but I feel like we were about ten seconds away from being in a very nerdy porno.
North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
5PM Could You Slowly Narrate the Act Of Pulling It Out?
Caller, after lengthy pause: Sorry, I'm just unplugging the computer.
Tech support: That's ok. I just pretend I'm getting one of those heavy breathing calls.
Memphis, Tennessee
4PM Some Ancient Chinese Proverbs Translate Better Than Others
Worker #1: I think my fish is blind.
Worker #2: Seriously?
Worker #1: Yes, he can't find his food.
Worker #2: Maybe he's not hungry...
Worker #3, eavesdropping: Blind fish need homes too...
Anderson Street
Loma Linda, California
3PM Tonight's Movie: Yes, Virginia, There Really Is a Harassment Clause
Lesbian: Just say it: Vagina.
Queen: Virgina?
Lesbian: Vagina!
Editor: I can't wait till our first lawsuit...
W 35th
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: token chick
2PM We Really Hired You for More of a Sashay
Male client service monkey: Oh man, I can't wait to prance around the office in my tights.
Sansome and Sutter
San Francisco, California
1PM I Also Play the Fallopian Tuba
Woman: I really enjoyed your singing this morning.
Girl who sang: Thanks so much!
Woman: Yeah, it's always so great when someone just sings straight from the ovaries like that.
Girl who sang: Uhh... [Nervous laugh.]
Hotel
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Annah
12PM A World Which Exists Parallel to This One
IT nerd: So, we'll move that code to production at 5 AM on Thursday.
Programmer: Is that in the morning?
Mt. Prospect Plaza, Illinois
Overheard by: smeagol
11AM Watch Me Erase My Sins
Coworker: Oh my god, you still have Jesus on your pencil.
Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
10AM Or "Feline Life Coach," As She Prefers to Be Called
Receptionist #1: Do you mind watching the phones? I have a conference call. It'll probably last about 30 minutes.
Receptionist #2, confused: Who do you have to call?
Receptionist #1, very seriously: My cat psychic.
5th Avenue
New York City, New York
9AM Or the Fact That It's Leaking
Female coworker #1: There he is in his fancy car.
Female coworker #2: Yeah, he's totally making up for something.
Female coworker #1: See, I drive a family car, so I'm not concerned about the size of my clitoris.
Scarborough
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: C.note
5PM They're Making Amazing Strides in Hangnail Research These Days
Drone on phone: Oh yeah, my friend had that disease, he died... I'm sure you won't die, though.
Storke Road
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: angelina
4PM If There Are Complications, You Get a Set of Steak Knives
Patient: Do you offer any discounts if this is my second surgery?
Receptionist: Sure, we can throw in a free appendectomy or colonoscopy... Your choice.
Orange Avenue
Orlando, Florida
3PM Yipes! -- I Meant "Chew Each Other's Asses"
Boss to bickering clients on conference call: Do you guys always eat each other out like that?
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
2PM Sometimes I Feel Like the Boss Has Finally Lost It
Office worker: So then he launches into this big spiel about how black dogs taste better than white dogs.
Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: matt
1PM Or Do I Have to Call Mark and Ask Him Personally?
Coworker, to the whole group: Does anybody know what the dollar to douche-mark conversion is?
Seminole Trail
Charlottesville, Virginia
12PM Have You Had a Stroke?
Event planner: Oh, damn, this is terrible news. I just lost a snack set-up. First the breakfast burritos and now this! What's next... Anything but the Swedish fish!
West 23rd Street
New York City, New York
11AM Once This Transcript Came to Light, a Jury Acquitted Her of Poisoning His Coffee
Douche boss: Hey *Jennifer, what are you working on?
Overworked secretary: An expense report for John, why?
Douche boss: Oh man, you have to do John's expense reports too?
Overworked secretary: Yes, you asked me to start doing them last month.
Douche boss: Oh, yeah, right. I didn't want to mention this but, you haven't done my time sheet yet today.
Overworked secretary: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll do it right after this.
Douche boss: Uhh, is there any way we can get it done a little sooner?
Overworked secretary: Sure, I'll do it now, then.
Douche boss: Thanks, I just don't want to have to stay as late as you do tonight.
9th Street
Washington, DC
10AM Were You Like, Coxswain on the Gay Men's Crew or Something?
Straight developer to gay developer: Don't go straight! Your mom may have raised a homo, but she didn't raise a quitter!
State & Water
Peoria, Ilinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
9AM He May Be on to Us
Employee #1: Where does our CEO go? He randomly disappears for days.
Employee #2: He goes to CEO mountain, where all the CEOs stand around and circle jerk.
[CEO walks in minutes later.]
Employee #1: Hey Ben*, where were you? CEO mountain?
CEO: [Laughs.] Yeah, CEO mountain.
Employee #2: What do you guys do up there?
CEO: We all stand around and talk about our truculent staff.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
5PM Pedophiles Are Into Shoes, Right?
Coworker #1: He's not gay, he's a pedophile.
Coworker #2: There's a difference?
Hickson Road
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: H.
4PM Wish I Was a Sociopath and Didn't Care
Receptionist, putting her coat on: So, I'll see you guys on Monday, have a good weekend!
Coworkers, walking out of their offices: Uh... You know it's only four o'clock, right?
[Silence.]
Receptionist, removing coat: Dang, I was almost out the door too. Teaches me to say goodbye.
Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Brandy
3PM So Does the Guy Eat the Green Eggs and Ham or What?
Male peon: Lot of words on those pages.
Female peon, trying to read on her lunch break: [Blinks] Yeah... Being a book, and all.
Male peon: Well, I dunno. I never really read any book-books. Just, like, magazines and stuff.
Female peon: [Stares.]
Manor Road
Austin, Texas
2PM Since the Floor Is Slanted
Recruiter selling a prospective employee on the company: We don't consider them "departments" so much as "teams", because the...uh, flow...rolls...from one to the other...
Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: ...and I thought that 'rolled downhill'...
1PM As Soon As I Get That Operation
Guy on speakerphone: If I were you, and one day I will...
Homer & Helmcken
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: cube dweller
12PM Your Gold Metal Bikini Just Brings That Out in Me
Man #1: O-chu-daa.
Man #2: Huh?
Man #1: Tee-wanna-wunga.
Man #2: Dude, get out of here. You're speaking Hutt!
Lexington Ave
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Ethan
11AM I'm About 50% Certain
Girl #1: Well, her parents did give birth to her.
Girl #2: Which parent?!
Girl #1: ... Her mum.
England
Overheard by: Rachel Wills
10AM The Dating Pool Might Be Deeper Than I Thought
Woman worker: He said to me: "Has anyone ever told you you look like Ricky Schroeder?" I told him he was so rude, you don't tell a girl she looks like a man. But you know what, I kinda see where he's coming from.
Lake Oswego, Oregon
9AM I'm Sure You'll Be a Fine President
Employee #1: You know that part of your brain that stops you from doing stupid shit?
Employee #2: Nope.
Employee #1: Oh.
Galleria
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: consultantinka
5PM I Assumed Your In-Box --or Is It Your Out-Box?
Office girl: But my box is falling apart.
Male co-worker: Hmm, we should look into that. A dysfunctional box is no good for anyone.
Office girl: Right... Would you mind helping me?
Male co-worker: With your box?
Office girl: What are we talking about?
McNally Drive
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM I Despise Decent Human Beings
Guy in elevator: Was he gracious?
Girl in elevator: Yes.
Guy: He's such a dweeb.
Park Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: BeccaGo
3PM That Explains Why Kitty Has Been Getting Home Late Every Night
Cat owner #1: So I went to the doctor yesterday, I asked him what was causing this rash on my forearms, he says, "It's your cat"!
Cat owner #2: My cat?
Rosewood Drive
Pleasanton, California
Overheard by: Jimmybob
2PM But the Boss Keeps Yelling at Me to Take the Clothespins Off My Face
CSR on the phone: At first it was a bad pain, and now it's like a good pain, like I can take it a little more now.
Graphics Drive
White Plains, New York
Overheard by: The Mole
1PM Or I Hope He Did, Because Otherwise That's Just Sad
Peon on the phone: My brother in-law's sister is coming over tonight, I think I'm gonna nail her. [Pauses.] Why not? He nailed mine.
Industrial Park Drive
Texas
Overheard by: peon incharge
12PM Not What I Look for in a Pet Turtle, But No Matter
Punk chick on her cell: Which one did you pick? Oh, the one that can fuck?
Ralph's
Los Angeles, California
11AM These Gas Masks Are Just Style
Bank employee, accompanying exterminator: [Sings.] Spraying for bugs!
[She realizes she sang that out loud to a room full of customers.]
Bank employee, under her breath: Oops. Just kidding, we don't have bugs.
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Ken
10AM Unless You Really Improve Your Slapstick
Talkative grunt: That was a joke. I'm a comedian. Don't worry. I'll be here all week.
Boss walking by: Don't count on it.
Senlac Drive
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: I miss the days of job security
9AM Who the Hell Hired You, Anyway?
Operations manager: What are some of your goals?
New hire: I want to have babies!
Operations manager: Ok... Do you have any goals in regards to your future with our company?
New hire: Sure, I want to do my job right, but I was really just born to have babies.
Dallas Parkway
Dallas
Overheard by: Addy
5PM The White Stuff on the Ground Was a Bit Intriguing, Though
[Dead of winter.]
Supervisor: Oh my god -short sleeves! Why didn't you wear your coat?
Employee: I looked out the window and it didn't look cold outside.
Dallas Parkway
Addison, Texas
4PM Like You Should Judge, Mr "ILuvKittens5"?
Coworker #1: So what's your e-mail address?
Coworker #2: [Gives it to him.]
Coworker #1: Cool... How did you choose that?
Coworker #2: Oh, it means "big fart" in Chinese...
Santa Rosa, California
3PM From My Big Book of Things Not to Say to Men
Executive secretary, as she leaves a "Respect in the Workplace" class, to male worker: You've lost six in a week!? You're disappearing! Anymore and there will be nothing to grab on to!
South Park Circle Office
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Megalicious
2PM Or Will We Finally Get a Taste?
Suit to a group of coworkers who just crowded into elevator: Do you think we'll get to talk about Matt's nuggets at this morning's meeting?
SoMa
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Green
1PM In Fairness, the Employee Is 83 Percent Correct
Office drone #1: Where is the Pentagon?
Office drone #2: It is in Washington, DC...
Office drone #1: Oh! Isn't it that big hexagon shaped building?
Office manager: [Walking away] Oh Jesus fucking Christ...
Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
12PM Fine, Die, You Random Son of a Bitch
Office crony #1: Did you hear about the mid-air collision in California?
Office crony #2: Briefly, why?
Office crony #1: I wonder if there's anyone out in California I don't like?
Office crony #2: I don't think so.
Office crony #1: Just my luck...
West Cummings Park
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Chuckie Choo
11AM Um, What Do They Normally Do?
Boss: You look nice today.
Employee: Thanks, I wore a bra.
Bystander: Wait, what?
Employee, demonstrating: See... Look, the girls are free and easy today. They can do cirles too. Too bad I don't have any tassles.
Elm Street
Coalinga, California
Overheard by: Still losing the TMI Olympics
10AM Bitch, You Better Tip Me Like It's Christmas!
Client: I used to know a girl in school that always played with my hair... She was always messin' with my hair.
Hairdresser: Do you know what happened to her? Maybe she became a hairstylist?
Client: Oh no... I doubt it... She was really smart.
Hair Salon
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: ColorMeFabulous
9AM But He's Gonna Die in There If You Don't Keep Him Wet
Admin assistant: What do you mean you don't have sex? You live with your boyfriend!
Receptionist: Yeah, once you have the fish in the boat, there's no reason to keep throwing out the lure.
12th Street
Portland, Oregon
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