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May 2008 Archives
5PM You Had Us at "Smegma Sandwich"
Cubicle #1: That movie was complete donk.
Cubilce #2: You're a snob. I thought it was fun, and I loved the Roxanne Tango bit.
Cucible #1: Dude, that movie was a smegma sandwich and fuck anyone who says otherwise.
Cubicle #3: Hear, hear.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: still laughing
4PM That's Right Up There With "Neato" and Giving a Thumbs-Up
Coworker, reading an e-mail: Oh no... We can't hire someone that says "TGIF".
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I agree
3PM Janitorial Contracts Have More Escape Hatches Than a 747
Woman in lift, noticing man cleaning doors: I can't believe they clean a fucking elevator shaft, but it takes them a week to clean dried-up vomit in the foyer!
Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Admin
2PM Mistake? What Were You Trying to Do?
Psychiatrist: I once made the mistake of taking a cat in the shower with me.
Elizabeth, New Jersey
Overheard by: invisi-tern
1PM God: This Guy's Handwriting Is Terrible
Dude #1, at urinal: Shouldn't we have two different organs for peeing and reproducing?
Dude #2: Submit a design change request to god.
Bangalore
India
12PM Stop Answering Me With Your Mouth Full!
DBA to male co-worker: I want service! I'm coming to you to be serviced!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: I thought that belonged in the men's room...
11AM You Are All Coming to My Beat Poetry Jam, Right?
Attorney: Wait until I get into my fecal matter/colon thing.
New York City, New York
10AM It's Not My Fault It Has Four Glass Walls
Intern: Honestly, I can only dance naked in so many places! Sometimes the studio really is the most convenient.
Washington, DC
9AM They Seem to Think They Come from Different 'Countries'
Office vet #1: Lisa* was showing me how to use chopsticks at lunch today, you know, cause she's Asian.
Office vet #2: Lisa*?
Office vet #1: You know, the girl we work with in third party...I don't know what kind of Asian she is, apparently there's different kinds, you know...
St. Paul Plaza
Baltimore, Maryland
5PM I Cut My Lip on the Dismount, Though
Attorney: I drank 14 beers last night.
Admin: You counted?
Attorney: I counted this morning. That was a solid performance, if I do say so myself.
Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
4PM Preferably Not in a Body Bag
CSR #1: So, no one was murdered yesterday?
CSR #2: Yeah, I guess it was a good day.
CSR #1: Depends on your point of view.
CS supervisor: I'm leaving.
Staples Drive
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Heater
3PM Because Your Nipples Are Turning Blue
Internet sweatshop girl: Its getting cold in here!
Internet sweatshop guy: Does it make you want to put on all of your clothes?
Hell's Kitchen
New York City, New York
2PM So I Date a Lot of Seniors
Guy behind counter: I have a fetish for pre-creased items.
Café Boulange
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Ladle
1PM Look, a String of Colored Paper!
Coworker: With as much time as we spend pulling stuff out of our ass around here, it's amazing they even give us chairs.
Fort Worth, Texas
12PM Do You Really Want Me Hanging Around 'Til I Find One?
Purchasing manager: Can I borrow a pencil?
Receptionist: No. If you don't come prepared, I ain't helping you.
Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
11AM It Takes Chicken to Make a Tender Moment
Token black kid: When Obama is elected we'll have fried chicken Fridays!
Super white Californian: I love fried chicken!
[they quickly embrace]
UMass
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: wallflower
10AM The Company Should've Trained Him
Manager: I'll never get promoted. I'm misunderestimated.
[manager leaves]
HR Clerk: If "misunderestimated" is defined as crapping your pants at work, then he is misunderestimated.
Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM People With No Short-Term Memory Shouldn't Use the Phone
CSR: Click on the number on the left hand side.
Customer: Okay.
CSR: Okay, did that take you to a different page?
Customer: You want me to type in the number?
CSR: No, click on the number.
Customer: Okay.
CSR: Did that take you to a different page?
Customer: No.
CSR: Did you click on the number?
Customer: I didn't click on anything.
CSR: Click on the number.
Customer: What number?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: loves three way calling and the mute button
5PM Fair Warning, People
Coworker: I don't really feel guilt. But then again, I'm kind of a sociopath.
Walpole, New Hampshire
4PM Definitely Do It
Office worker to colleague: Hey, is it okay to put tinfoil in the microwave?
Office manager, from the kitchen: Fire!
Northern Canadia
3PM ...Dad
Female co-worker on the phone: When is your wife going out of town? We need to get together.
Little Rock, Arkansas
Overheard by: D
2PM Translation: You'll Just Get Used to the Pain
IT worker: If you use it a whole bunch of times it will become intuitive.
Madison, Connecticut
1PM Best to Forget About Milwaukee Entirely
Female student: Where are you from?
Male student: Milwaukee.
Female student: Oh, you know, I always forget Milwaukee is a state.
Vanderbilt University
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM She Appeared to Me in a Vision and Said "Try the Other Hole"
Boss: Jamie Lynn Spears?
Worker: No! Jamie Lynn DiScala. Meadow from The Sopranos.
Boss: Omg, I saw her when I was getting pregnant!
Park Ave
New York City, New York
11AM And the Grand Jury Refused to Indict Me
Senior VP, flipping through Rolodex: I am just removing the ones that are dead.
Employee: [silent look of horror]
Senior VP: Oh, there are only three!
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lisa
10AM No Lady Should Examine Bacteria Unescorted
Male postdoc: Are you sure you can't do this experiment alone tomorrow?
Female postdoc: I'm sure! I'll ask someone to help! I can't do it alone! I'm too short! Pretty! Boobs, and stuff!
Physics Lab
Hunter College, New York
9AM You'll See a Darkening of Hue, Is My Point
CPR instructor: ... And how do we tell if an infant isn't breathing? He will flail around a little and will also turn blue or purple.
Black cop: Um, not trying to be an ass, but what if the baby is my color?
White cop: Oh yeah... That's known as blurple.
CPR Class, Police Department
Colorado Springs, Colorado
5PM May Be a Downside I Don't See, Though
Sales rep: I've been trying to get them to cut off my leg to the knee. All you got to do is polish it once a month!
Northpoint
San Francisco, California
4PM Why Are You Giggling, Sir?
Social worker on the phone: No sir, the hospital does not offer financial assistance for penile prosthesis. Well, have you spoken with Dr. Wang in the erectile dysfunction clinic?
Holcombe & Bertner
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Just the Secretary
3PM Wait, Where Are You All Going?
President: In the process of moving our data center across the Atlantic, we have eliminated the Director of Operations position. We will not be refilling it.
Ops member: Are we downsizing?
President: Well, we are down one.
Spear Street
San Francisco, California
2PM That's Parliament for You
Female office worker: It just goes soggy and loose... Then moves to the side.
Hemel Hempstead
Hertfordshire
England
Overheard by: Lorzgrins
1PM Thighs Wide Shut
Sales guy on speakerphone: Ok, ok -no jokes here. I'm lost on gay street.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Natalie
12PM The Afternoon Seems Endless When You Drink at Lunch
Tech support engineer: I can't believe I have pants on!
Rt. 1
Ipswich, Massachusetts
11AM One Of Them Already Told Me to Stop Slouching
Manager, giving "Take your kid to work day" tour: Do you know who works in this department?
Kid on tour: Old people!
Oak Tree Boulevard
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM He Was a Scumbag's Scumbag
Feisty secretary: Man, could that man spit!
Newcastle, Delaware
Overheard by: What else could he do?
9AM But Why Is There Food Cooking Inside?
Blonde peonette #1: Is this the fax machine?
Blonde peonette #2: It *sounds* like it is.
Beale Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: wicked
5PM The Riddle Of the Sphincter Redux
Cube mate on phone: Hey! What's up butt-lord?
[silence] No kidding! You're such an American asshole. Later!
3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: radioman
4PM You Call This a Gay Bar?
Stranger at urinal, before storming out of the bathroom: They don't play enough Cher, that's what blows!
Melville, New York
3PM He's on His Cigarette Break
Patient: Help! Help me! Someone!
Patient's tech, upon entering room: Sir! Sir, what are you yelling for?
Patient: Sanity!
Bowling Green, Kentucky
2PM Doesn't Seem to Matter Whose
Big boss to bigger boss, while on phone with car seller: How much are your car payments?
Bigger boss: An arm, a leg, and a testicle!
Worcester Road
Natick, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Meg
1PM What Do You Mean It Bit You?
Man on phone: Did you find your tree? Did you hug your tree?
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Does a Strip-o-Gram Qualify?
Cute brunette: I have to buy my 92-year-old grandmother a gift, what should I get her?
Old hag of a coworker: Something perishable.
Downtown Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Rhymes with Regina
11AM My Workouts Are Like Meetings Where Nothing Gets Decided
Analyst #1: I tried working out last night.
Analyst #2: How much did you lift?
Analyst #1: I had 225 on the bar.
Analyst #2: Did you get it up?
Analyst #1: Nah, I chickened out.
Cookeville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Diddy
10AM Paper Invented People to Carry It from Place to Place
Assistant: I became a secretary because I relate well to paper.
Goldsboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Wow
9AM You Know What -- I'll Just Take a Water
Waiter to customer: I'm sorry, but we're out of swiss. Would you like mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: Swiss.
Waiter: No, we don't have swiss. Do you want mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: You don't have swiss?
Waiter: Nope, but we do have mozzarella and cheddar.
Customer: That sucks!
Waiter: Yeah, I'm sorry. Would you like either mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: What other cheeses do you have?
Waiter: Mozzarella and cheddar.
Customer: Don't you have any other cheeses?
Salt Lake City, Utah
5PM And Once You're There, You're Not Here at All
Female co-worker, just returned from holiday: Oh, Shanghai was wonderful, but I was amazed at how Chinese it was.
Canberra
Australia
Overheard by: What? China's Western isn't it?
4PM That Was Less Fun Than I'd Hoped
Worker on phone: Say catastrophe.
Worker on loudspeaker: Castastrosy.
Worker on phone: Yeah, now say catastrophic.
Worker on loudspeaker: Castrastrosic.
Worker on phone: See?
Worker on loudspeaker: See what?
Hemel Hempstead
Hertfordshire
England
Overheard by: Yes i see, this is defintitely catastrophic
3PM The Snack With the Receptacle Tip
Co-worker: Some people buy rubbers for other reasons: I buy them to eat them.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Cheryl
2PM I Believe the Correct Answer Is "World Peace," Miss Wisconsin
Engrossed boss: I need some cheese balls, a highlighter and some tartar sauce.
60th Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
1PM That's England's Married Name
Manager: This plug adapter is for taking something to the UK.
Woman: I don't know what the UK is. I'm going to England, not the UK.
Pleasanton, California
Overheard by: Stephen
12PM The Court Limited Mom to an Inflatable Car
Girl #1: Hey, when is that festival?
Girl #2: I think it's sometime in the beginning of May?
Girl #1: We should totally go.
Girl #2: Yes... It will be fun, we can run over pedestrians like your mom did that one time.
Girl #1: Oh yeah! I forgot about that...
Girl #2: Haha, she just kept driving.
Greene Turtle, Main Street
Bel Air, Maryland
Overheard by: GlynnisO
11AM You Don't Have Enough Digits There, Larry
Boss: Alright everyone, I'm leaving for the day. Everyone knows my cell phone number, right?
Peon: 1-800-sex?
Northern Iowan
Cedar Falls, Iowa