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April 2008 Archives
5PM Translation: I'm the Most Important Thing in This Room
Prof: Questions, comments, concerns, snide remarks, songs, poems, eloquent discourses on the topic of your choice? No? Good.
Economics Class, East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
4PM I'm Just Sayin' -- You've Got Balls, Lady
Professional woman: I work out at lunch everyday, it's part of my routine.
Professional man: Wow, you really have some testical fortitude to stick to that routine.
Woman: What?
One Shell Plaza Elevator
Houston, Texas
3PM ...and Gets Me Female Companionship
Comp tech: If I had a million dollars I'd invent popcorn that pops every kernel.
Broadway
New York City, New York
Overheard by: TerryFTW
2PM And How Many Times Has This Happened to You?
Client on phone, returning from lunch: What, we have a meeting now? I'll be there in ten minutes. Is [the boss] around?
Admin: Yeah, he's right here.
Client: Good, go kick him in the shin for me.
Admin: Um, you're on speakerphone.
Client: I hate you! How many times have I told you never to put me on speakerphone!?
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
1PM Luckily This One Never Existed *Shredding Noises*
Lawyer: It's not exactly ethical but we have to get this thing out today.
Intern: That isn't just unethical... Isn't it illegal?
Lawyer: Only if you think contracts are binding.
Madison Avenue
New York City, New York
12PM That's What You Said About Cancer Patients
Receptionist on phone: Some people say they have OCD. They don't have OCD. They're nuts!
Office
Lyndhurst, New Jersey
11AM ...Outside the Context of Our Basement.
Female cube worker #1: Have you ever heard of that black and blue ball thing? You know I would never go to that.
Female cube worker #2: Oh yeah?
Female cube worker #1: Yeah. My uncle and brother go to that. And my uncle only wears chaps.
Supervisor walking by: Are you guys working?
Male cube worker: Anyways, why don't you go?
Female cube worker #1: Well, frankly I just wouldn't want to see them in that state.
Taylor Avenue
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canadia
10AM North, by God, America!
Paralegal: Well, Montreal is technically in America.
Design Center Place
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: umm ... really?
9AM And She Was Totally Ungrateful About Last Year's Weight Watchers Subscription
Thoughtful receptionist: What are you getting your wife for Valentine's Day?
Sales shark: Nothing. She's already my wife.
Madison Avenue
New York City, New York
5PM Anaphylactic Shock Isn't the Worst Way to Go
Cube monkey #1: I'm losing my will to live.
Cube monkey #2: Would a tiny peanut butter cookie help?
Calgary
Canada
4PM Amy's Grandpa Is Also Her Father
Food court employee #1: I think I have a lizard tail growin' out of my butt!
Food court employee #2: Oh, I see it!
Allegheny College
Meadville, Pennsylvania
3PM A Tom Jones Song Is Never Called for in the Office
Female employee: [Burps loudly.]
Male employee: Ooh, sexy! [Singing.] She's a lady! Whoa whoa whoa!
Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM I'm Going to Call You Back Using a Fake British Accent
Engineer on phone: Hi, this is Jim from [Company A]. Oh, wait, that's you. Shit.
Paterson, New Jersey
1PM Elvis Costello: Genius!
Hardhat #1: Don't worry. You will do something wrong that will make her mad, sooner or later.
Hardhat #2: Impossible. I don't do wrong shit everyday!
Construction site
Austell, Georgia
12PM Thus Following the Golden Rule.
Office drone: Ahhhh crap! I peed on the floor. If I knew I was going to pee on the floor today, I'd never have come to work.
From within a Stall in the Men's Restroom, Office Building
Rochester, Minnesota
11AM ...How Much I'm Enjoying Your Discomfort
Beastly employee: That reminds me of when I was skinny. I was smoking. With my thigh-high boots.
Pretty employee: Mmmm... cool.
Beastly employee: I won't ever wear them again. I am too fat. I will bring them in for you.
Pretty employee, unhappily: Ummmm... ok.
Passerby employee to pretty employee, sympathetically: The boots went up to her camel toe... I'm sorry.
Hawthorne, New York
Overheard by: I have my own office
10AM Let Us Pour Libations and Examine the Entrails of a Goat
Clueless VP, whispering right after lightbulb has exploded: What does it mean?
Park Avenue
New York City, New York
9AM I Respect You Too Much to Listen to You
Experienced healthcare worker: I told you not to tell our boss that I let you do that procedure, but you told her. Why did you tell her?
New Asian healthcare worker: Sometimes you talk and I just nod my head.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Alarmed healthcare worker
5PM I Was Searching for Some Important Files
Lawyer #1: I have a buddy who wears a surgical mask when he flies.
Lawyer #2: That's crazy.
Lawyer #1: No it's not.
Lawyer #3: Wait. That's not crazy, but I'm crazy for not shaking your hand after you put it down your pants?
Lawyer #1: My hand was outside my underwear!
Constitution Avenue
Washington, DC
4PM Unless He Hits the Cancer Jackpot
Health care counselor, advising another about a caller: Well, unless he has AIDS or MS, he's out of luck.
Metrocenter Boulevard
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: happyhealthworker
3PM I'm Sorry, I Didn't Get That; Please Press 1 for English...
Manager on phone: Does panting count as a response?
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Probably for Historical Reasons
Assistant: They've already designed the corn maze for a Lewis & Clark theme.
Account executive: Why did they choose Superman?
Assistant: [Stumped silence.]
Thomas Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Pants
1PM The Meteorologist Said It'd Be Fabulous
Office chick #1: Have you seen the weather today?
Office chick #2: 100% chance of gayness today.
Burlington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: tater
12PM That's an Oven, Janet
Receptionist, staring at a door: This door confuses me.
Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Emily
11AM I Know That's Hard to Swallow, But It's True
Engineer on phone with supplier: Well, I didn't mean to cram Siemens down your throat.
5th Avenue
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
10AM Would You Like Some Ethnic Slurs With That?
Angry suit on cell: Get me the money or I take your ass to court. I'll take your ass to court.
Barista: Ummm... sir? Can I get you something to drink?
Angry suit on cell: Yes, I'd like a triple mocha. [To cell.] I mean it. I'll sue your ass, you greedy, lying Italian bastard.
Barista: Sir, would you like whipped cream on your mocha?
Angry suit on cell: Like hell you'll get me the money by June. You were supposed to give it to me back in September. [To barista.] Extra whipped cream, thanks.
W Washington St
Ann Arbor, Michigan
9AM An Admin's Tail Goes from Side to Side/ But a Sales Tail Goes Like This
Sales person: Did you just say, "dildo"?
Office admin: No! I said, "tail goes".
Sales person, laughing: Wow. That's not what I heard.
Office admin: You seriously need some alone time.
James Street
Syracuse, New York
5PM Ever Tried Smoking a Tagalong?
Co-worker #1: Oh my god, girl scout cookies should so be illegal.
Co-worker #2: Yes...I have five boxes on my desk as we speak!
Co-worker #1: At least with crack you lose a lot of weight.
Wichita, Kansas
4PM Employee Evaluation: "Jake Does Gouda Work."
Boss: I smell your cheese... Or your feet.
Employee: Really? I ate it twenty minutes ago... Wait... What?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: LOL
3PM "The Strong Man Is Mightiest Alone," He Said
Engineer during meeting: So I tried to ask Hitler yesterday, but he was no help.
Senlac Drive
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: hope he doesn't know I'm jewish...
2PM With the Understanding That It's Both Preventable and Curable
Insurance salesman: Maternity is covered as a sickness under this policy.
39th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
1PM Translation: He Was Black in a White Neighborhood
News reporter #1: Why was he arrested?
News reporter #2: I guess he was suspicious-looking.
News reporter #1: Was he just going around arbitrarily replacing windshields?
Southern Maryland
Overheard by: Cubicle neighbor
12PM ...Metaphorically Speaking
Boss: Six months ago I was in pajamas with a bong!
W 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM If You're a Cereal Killer, Maybe
Lab tech #1: So I've been going to the hospital in the mornings.
Lab tech #2: Oh, are you ok?
Lab tech #1: Oh no, I've been going to watch surgeries. It's a really great way to start off the day.
Harvard
Boston Massachusetts
Overheard by: Interesting Morning
10AM Aren't There Operations for That Now?
Angry office drone: Don't fuck up the entire presentation... It will be really hard to unfuck!
Latham
New York
9AM Just a Little One
Cubicle #1: Oh no, today is Tuesday the 13th! Does that mean anything?
Cubicle #2: Umm... Today is the 12th. Tomorrow is the 13th. And humpday!
Cubicle #1: Oh no! Wednesday the 13th! Does that mean anything?
Cubicle #2: Well, it's the day before Valentine's Day. You got your wife something already, right?
Cubicle #1: Dang! I better think of something quick, right?
Cubicle #2: You haven't gotten a card or anything?
Cubicle #1: Well, I did actually get her a gift. But I opened up my trunk yesterday and it smelled funny so I took it back.
Cubicle #2: ... It wasn't a puppy, was it?
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Is That What the Kids Are Calling It These Days?
Peon #1, reading spam title out loud: "...all wet and pink..."
Peon #2: Are they talking about a flamingo?
Palmer Street
Missoula, Montana
4PM The Workshop Required Them All to Crochet "Fags Is the Best Girlfriends" on Little Pillows
Black female coworker: Oooh, honey, I love me some fags. Fags is the best girlfriends.
White queer coworker: That's 'cause we all want to be black women!
White female coworker: Can the rest of us get workplace diversity hours for listening to this shit?
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Giggling in my cube
3PM I'm Even Making the Groomsmen Get Their Backs Waxed
Manager: We're getting married in Gibraltar.
Designer: Oh, that sounds nice.
Manager: You know, you've heard of Gibraltar. Rocks... Monkeys... Except I don't like monkeys. I don't want monkeys in my wedding!
UNC-Chapel Hill
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
2PM And What Exactly Did He Prove?
CFO: There has to be a way to gather that information.
Financial analyst: But what you are asking me to do is simply guessing. I don't have tools to gather information that can't be proven!
CFO: Hey! Socrates only had a stick and sand!
Fourth Street
Berkeley, California
Overheard by: dude
1PM To Their Sims Avatars, Anyway
[In a crowded computer room]
Female: Dude, nobody in here even likes you.
Male: I have made love to everyone in this room!
West San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: CCRadio
12PM You Are Underutilized in Your Current Position, Dr. Lecter
Cube chick: You should go in Jeff's office -it is so cold in there you could hang meat.
Cube dude: I hang meat everywhere I go.
Dallas, Texas
11AM Which in Wisconsin Often Spells Frostbite
Female worker #1: You know he's doing a show here, right?
Female worker #2: Oh, someone get me a tissue, my panties are wet.
Barnes & Noble
Greenfield, Wisconsin
Overheard by: darkhorse
10AM Even Telling the Truth About It Nauseates Me
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, no one at the tower can answer your call right now, there is a quartet singing a valentine on the floor. [pause] No sir, I wouldn't lie about such a thing.
N. Frontage Road
Jackson, Mississippi
9AM I'll Send You Periodic Texts on My Progress
Office lady: I'm off to the bathroom! I couldn't get the poop du jour out before work this morning!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: please hold while I alert the media
5PM Amphetamines Are an Excellent Short-Term Management Tool
Hostess: I once gave everyone in my restaurant an Adderall. We had never been more efficient!
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Not the Third Time It Takes Its SATs
Office worker #1: .... Mmmmmm.... You really don't look well. What's wrong?
Office worker #2: Well I don't know... Is it normal for your bladder to be apprehensive?
Grafton Street
Dublin
Ireland
Overheard by: Rory the irish guy
3PM I Was a Cornhusker Cheerleader, Y'know
Female clerk: Hey *Mark, you don't sound like you want to be here today.
Male clerk: And you want to be here today?
Female clerk: You want me to rub it off for ya?
Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Db's Mom
2PM I Don't Even Try to Fit in Anymore
Coworker #1: Yeah, we should go ahead and fix that. Then, when we're done, we could dance around it like pagans.
Coworker #2: What? I don't even know what to say to you sometimes.
Coworker #1: Just stand back and pity my mother.
Washington, DC
1PM It's Replaced Terrorism As the Leading American Phobia
Woman on phone: I just don't want you to end up on that show where the news reporter comes into the kitchen and the guys have their pants off...
K Street
Washington, DC
12PM Believe Me-- You'd Know.
Psyched manager: We presented to about sixty businesses today...I wonder if we're double penetrating!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Couchsitter
11AM But You Can Say "Satan Planted the Dinosaur Bones"?
Front office lady #1: "Abraham begot Isaac." What does that mean?
Front office lady #2: It means Abraham is Isaac's father -he had Isaac. It's like "Adam knew Eve." That means Adam banged her.
Front office lady #1: I don't think you can say that.
Medical Office
Lincoln, Nebraska
10AM Craig, Definitely
Project manager: So, when Janet* gets it from both sides next week... Do you think that is what Craig* and Barbara* really want?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: The Quiet Consultant
9AM With a Shout-Out to the Salt and Grease Groups
Manager lady #1: I guess I stocked up -I mean, I got Doritos! Do those count?
Manager lady #2: Yeah, they do, they're one of the food groups.
[pause]
In unison: Corn.
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: can't believe i work with them
5PM Unless You Wish to Enter the Ranks of Ravaged Interns
Peon #1: But you don't drink that coffee.
Peon #2: I just want something down my throat.
Peon #1: Oh, you shouldn't say that.
Peon #2: I mean I just want something warm down my throat.
Peon #1: You shouldn't say that either.
Stevens Creek Boulevard
Cupertino, California
4PM And When I Call Her, She Answers Only to Say, "I'm Not Here-- Leave a Message"
VP: I can't understand some people. I emailed *Karen with a specific question and she just replied, "I am currently out of the office and will return in one week". Why didn't she answer my question?
Beachwood, Ohio
3PM Bill Clinton: "That Stuff's Still There?"
White dude to black coworker: The cool thing about Obama is that he is able to transcend race. He's the ultimate embodiment of American multiculturalism and pluralism. He's white and black, and his race doesn't matter, he's got character, which was Martin Luther King's dream, that people would be judged according to the content of their character, not the color of their skin.
White dude #2: Yeah, well, I just can't wait until Obama gets into office and he invites MTV over to the White House to film an episode of Cribs and he's got a stripper pole in the basement right by his poster of Scarface.
130th Street
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Stan Green
2PM When It Comes to Rorschach Tests, You Have to Think Outside the Box
Art director: Do these look like vaginas to you?
Research manager: Actually, it could be shrimp cocktail.
Seventh Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Where's the horseradish?
1PM You're Not Going to Start Moaning Again, Are You?
Birthday cake passer outer: Hey, don't you want a fork?
Old, creepy IT guy: No, I'll just finger it.
Highwoods Parkway
Glen Allen, Virginia
Overheard by: Not even surprised
12PM Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Public-Domain Software
Male program manager: I got a hair in my mouth...[pulls it out] Gross...
Male manager: It's not mine, I don't have any down there.
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: uhhh...what?
11AM Being Irish Is Part Nature and Part Nurture
Male coworker, pointing at big sweater: This is Irish!
Female Irish-American coworker, pointing at crotch: So is this!
Male coworker: Because it's freckly and smells like Guinness?
Austin, Texas
10AM For the Last Time, "Mailer-Daemon" Is Not a Person
VP: The guy's stupider than he looks.
Peon: What does he look like?
VP: I don't know, I've never seen him.
Beachwood, Ohio
9AM Can I Play, Too?
Worried manager: What are you doing over there? Sounds like you are playing with Legos. Dear God, you are!
Hartford, Connecticut
5PM With Slightly Less Singing and Slightly More Stabbing
Older boss woman: I used to teach Puerto Rican girls in Harlem. They were really tough kids.
Zoned out lady employee: Oh, like west side story.
Troy, New York
Overheard by: Sneaker
4PM Challenge: Answer This Without Using a Double Entendre
Woman sipping her soda through a straw, the day after the super bowl: If I suck hard enough, will Justin Timberlake come?
Lincoln Village Drive
Rancho Cordova, California
Overheard by: That's What She Said
3PM She Got Everything in the Divorce
Sales guy: You know how those lesbian Jews can be! The only thing worse than a lesbian Jew is a lesbian Jew attorney! And I know that, so I can say it.
Glenlake Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: almost offended... almost
2PM I'm Barred from the NASA Museum for Life
Male coworker: In my own little way I got to ride John Glenn's rocket!
Gaines Street
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: Just passing by
1PM Have You Ever Seen a Horse Slip on a Banana Peel? Disaster
Office peon on phone: ... It's almost like you're putting the monkey before the horse.
S. Lima Street
Englewood, Colorado
12PM A Man Should Know How to Lay a Perfect Bead
Radio commercial: Next time you're in the shower, take a look at that caulk!
Office worker: What?!
Peters Brook Dr
Hooksett, New Hampshire
11AM Parents of Newborns Can Be So Competitive
Sales rep, on the phone with a client: Well, why don't you tell me how big yours is, and I'll tell you how big mine is.
Coker Tire
Chattanooga, Tennessee
10AM Over by the Romance Novels?
Library patron approaching the desk: Uhhhhh, someone left their pants.
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Emily
9AM Oh, Stop Fishing for Compliments
Desk worker #1: I think we need something new in our lobby.
Desk worker #2: I could use a new rack. Mine's all worn out. See how this just hangs?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: institution of higher education
5PM Something About the Lifts Representing the Unfair Advantage of the Bourgeosie
Investment broker: My kid's a socialist. He'd rather hang out with his friends than ski with us.
Portland Square
Portland, Maine
4PM As Required by Minnesota Law
HR person, filling out paperwork for new employee: I need to know the name of the bank to direct deposit your check to.
New employee, dumbfounded: Um, shoot, I can't remember it. Oh, it's the one connected to the liquor store!
Hanson Avenue
Albert Lea, Minnesota
3PM Even You Didn't Have to Be Trained to Eat
Manager: She was an elephant trainer in Thailand.
Assistant: Oh yeah, like that's hard. Eat the peanut, bitch! [makes a whip gesture and cracking sound.]
Kirkwood, Missouri
Overheard by: Matt
2PM I Used the Sacred Highlighter of Righteousness
Office clerk: Wait, this doesn't look right.
Manager: It has to be right -it's highlighted.
Office clerk: Maybe someone highlighted the wrong thing, because that's not right.
Manager: I highlighted it.
Office clerk: Well, I think it may be wrong.
Manager: It can't be wrong. It's highlighted.
5th Avenue
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Saw the Light
1PM We'll Need to Do It Now, But We Can Wear Bermuda Shorts
Editor-in-chief, about how urgent a specific task is: Fairly urgent, but in a leisurely sort of way.
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Confused, but in an understanding sort of way
12PM When High-Concept Office Furniture Goes Too Far
Office drone #1, shouting over cubical wall: Have you been pegged?
Office drone #2: Apparently.
New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McNasty
11AM For One Thing, There'll Be Repercolations in the Foreign Markets
Boss: So what would be the wider business implamications of this?
Canberra
Australia
Overheard by: glad she wasn't in that meeting
10AM The Flash Bubble Game Is My Gateway to High Achievement
Rep #1: Where is the Ford script?
Copywriter, playing flash bubble game: I am working on it right now.
[one minute later]
Rep #2: Where is the taxi script?
Copywriter, playing flash bubble game: I am working on it right now.
[less than a minute later]
Rep #3: Where is the restaurant chain script?
Copywriter, playing flash bubble game: I am working on it right now.
Rep #3: At least turn the volume down dude...
Robertson Street
Fortitude Valley
Australia
9AM ...Without the Use of the Word "Santorum"
Boss: So, where did Mike* go?
Underling: He had to go home. Some pet emergency. He said there's an unidentified liquid coming out of his cat's ass.
Boss: Well, that's an excuse I've never heard before...
Cypress Street
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: I didn't need to know that
5PM I've Been Waiting All Day to Say That
Coworker #1: What are you doing this weekend?
Coworker #2: Maybe a movie.
Coworker #3: Man, it's a lot harder to have sex downtown than I thought it would be.
Coworkers #1 and #2: [stunned silence].
Vernon Hills, Illinois
Overheard by: This Guy
4PM H.P. Lovecraft's Cafeteria of the Morbidly Obese Changed It -Quickly
Little girl: We're going to the three floor.
Mom: The third floor.
Little girl: Third floor. Mommy, what's on the third floor?
Mom: The cafeteria. I'm gonna see if they can get you a salad instead of the crap you eat.
[doors open, they get off and start walking away.]
Little girl: I eat chocolate two times every day, and there's nothing you can do to change that.
Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Duncan
3PM Like, This Shelf of Folded T-Shirts Is Anna Karenina
Smug manager: The store is set up in concepts.
New, confused employee: [nods]
Smug manager: We like to think that it tells a story.
Banana Republic
Dulles, Virginia
Overheard by: Karen
2PM She Wins the Office Gracie Allen Award Every Year
Very serious ditzy receptionist: On project runway last night, I picked the winner and loser of the challenge and the order everyone was going to be called out before Heidi even called them.
Receptionist friend: You rock.
Very serious ditzy receptionist: I know. [pauses] But that doesn't mean I'm made of stone.
Columbus, Ohio
1PM I Wouldn't Still Have This Radiant Glow
Male assistant on phone: I think I'd know if I'd given birth.
Madison Avenue Office Building
New York City, New York
12PM Hence the Wheelchair
Ad rep on the phone with client: So, Wendy isn't my real name, but I changed it to Wendy, because I like Peter Pan so much. Like, even as a kid, I used to jump out of windows.
Gulf of Mexico Drive
Longboat Key, Florida
11AM Then I'm Not Sure My NAFTA Piece Will Make Any Sense
Editor-in-chief: So I can't say "pubic" on one of our editorials?
Opinion editor: No.
Editor-in-chief: And you won't let me say "Anal osculation?"
Opinion editor: No!
E Pratt St
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Working at
10AM The Tendrils That Escape My Bikini Are Just Advertising
Female employee #1: I thought the least I could do to get ready for my cruise is getting a pedicure.
Female employee #2: Are you going to a bikini wax too?
Female employee #1: No, getting a pedicure is already almost too girly for me.
Female employee #2: C'mon Andrea*, once you have it done, you will be amazed at how neat and pretty it can be down there.
Female employee #1: No way! I like to be "all natural," including down there if you know what I mean.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Em-bare-ssed
9AM Or She Goes Into Spamaphylactic Shock
Woman #1, looking over cubicle: Rachel is going to be angry that you are sending her so many emails.
Woman #2, turning around: Who gives a fuck?
Woman #1: Seriously, you better watch it. [looks around] She can't take too many emails, she has to pace herself.
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Not pacing myself!
5PM He Needs Special Arthropodic Shoes
Asian girl: I only know his size in millimeters -it's 245.
Shoe store clerk: I won't be able to help you, we only have American sizes and centipedes.
Asian girl: Ok, Einstein. Give me a 24.5 centipede.
Potomac Mills
Woodbridge, Virginia
Overheard by: Steve
4PM Not the Ones I See in Magazines, Anyway
Geek: I hate to break it to you, but surfers don't wear coats.
William Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Misanthropic Scott
2PM Okay, Now What Does This "Crittle" Key Do?
Caller: I can't seem to log into my account.
CS rep: Have you entered your username and password into the login fields?
Caller: Yes, I have.
CS rep: Okay now press the enter key.
Caller: Where's the enter key?
Earthlink Customer Service
San Jose, California
1PM Yeah, We Saw The Bullet-Point on Your Resume.
Intern, after a lengthy conversation with a make-up artist: Oh, and by the way, I'm here to do more than have conversations about murder and rape...
Sargent Place
Los Angeles, California
12PM Mmmm, Poisonberry...
Office bimbette: Did you use your new pen yet? Did you smell it?
Broadway
New York City, New York
11AM Knew I Shoulda Told Him It Was His Idea
Boss: Hey whackadoo! [pause] Shut the fuck up.
Rochester, Minnesota
Overheard by: Kirby
10AM Better Than Last Year's Price Club Fiasco
Diner in expensive restaurant, arguing over the bill for his family Christmas party: This wine is a lot cheaper in the grocery store!
Manager: And what would your in-laws think of you if you had the family Christmas party in isle three of a super Wal-Mart?
Illinios Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM Good Thing It Said "Happy Arbor Day"
Man on phone: What do you mean he's not dead? I've bought his wife a card and put it through the door!
Leatherhead
Surrey
England
Overheard by: Bav
5PM Without Contempt for the Customer, No One Could Work in a Department Store
Older saleswoman, picking up the phone: Hello, this is Sue. How may I help you? Yes? Oh, no! Oh, dear! Definitely! Absolutely, just bring it on in and I'll take care of it for you. No problem! I'm soooo sorry. I am so, so, so sorry!! [Hangs up phone.] I'm sorry your mother was a prostitute.
Department Store
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: lisa
4PM Let's Eat Our Ramen Dinners Together Tonight
Recent male college grad: So I just quit my job...
Recent female college grad: Oh my god, that's awesome!
Recent male college grad: I love our age group- everyone's excited and envious of me -and not appalled...
San Francisco, Califronia
Overheard by: Still Employed... Unfortunately
3PM I Strut
Salesman: What you need to do is sashay out there and tell him like it is.
Boss: First of all, bro, I do not sashay.
State Street
Beaver, Pennsylvania
2PM Could You Make Up Your Mind?
Designers talking about an ad: I'd throw a white girl in there, for shits and giggles.
Midtown
New York City, New York
1PM Catholic Martyr, Actually
Female coworker #1: What did you do at the tailgate party?
Male coworker: I just started playing beanbags with some random people.
Female coworker #2: Hey, have you ever heard of a game called Redneck Horseshoes? It's sort of like beanbags.
Male Coworker: No, I haven't heard of it.
Female Coworker #2: Oh, it must just be a Missouri thing.
Female Coworker #1: That's sounds more like a Missour-ah thing.
Female coworker #2: Missour-ah...where's that?
Female coworker #1: You know. Everything that's not St. Louis.
Female coworker #2: Is that a state, or a city or something?
West Monroe Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM You Got a Little Panache on Your Necktie
Intern, after belching: I'm trying to have style, class, and panache, but it's just not working.
Broadway
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
11AM Doesn't Explain Why Julia Roberts Looks Like That
Coworker #1: Have you ever seen "The Hills Have Eyes"?
Coworker #2: Nah, I don't like horror movies about mutants.
Coworker #1: They're not mutants. Okay, they like live in this town where the government did like nuclear testing and it...
Coworker #2: Turned them into mutants.
Coworker #1: Well I guess... Based on how you define mutant.
Coworker #2: Someone who is changed or 'mutated' by radioactive material... Mutant.
Coworker #1: Yeah? well they all lived in this town where they were doing testing.
Coworker #3: Oh yeah. I saw that one. It gets into the water supply and there's like a big lawsuit!
Coworker #2: No dude, that's "Erin Brockovich"
Coworker #3: Oh. Yeah.
E Golf Rd
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
10AM Don't Be Hatin' on the Velveeta
Office worker: At first I thought it was cheese, but that would be optimistic.
Sixth Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
9AM Mom's No Miracle Worker
Mom, as toddler runs into doorway: Look out, Helen Keller!
E Hadley Road
Indiana
Overheard by: Amanda
5PM Want to Know What's in the 'Everything Bagel'?
Male associate: Hey Sean, it's not working [holds a squeeze bottle of flesh colored sauce in front of himself.] I can't get it to come!
Sean, slowly: Put the bottle down.
Female associate: You freak. There's customers here!
Center Ridge Road
Rocky River, Ohio
Overheard by: silent one
4PM Could You Run That Scene a Few More Times While I Watch From This Booth?
Studio Manager: I loved the part when you were a lesbian.
New York City, New York
3PM Drive-Thru Duty at the Bangalore Call Center Is Lonely Work
Delivery lady, on phone: Okay, what can I get for you?
Customer on the other end: I'd like a medium pepperoni pizza with no sauce and a cherry coke.
Lady, typing on a computer: Okay, a medium pizza with no sauce, just plain cheese, is that correct?
Customer: No. With pepperoni. And a cherry coke.
Lady: Pepperoni... [types again] I'm just pushing all the wrong buttons tonight.
Customer: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Lady: It's one of those days where you just shouldn't have woken up, you know?
Customer: Uh... yeah.
Lady: At least it's almost over though, right?
Customer: ...right....
Lady: So you said you wanted a medium pepperoni pizza, with no sauce, a side of ranch, and a cherry coke?
Customer: No side of ranch.
Lady: Awww, but ranch is good for you!
Customer: ...no ranch, thank you.
Lady: Fine, goodnight. [hangs up phone]
Hanover, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Will
2PM What Happens When You Don't Train a New Manager
HR clerk: He got so excited and he crapped all over himself.
Receptionist, laughing: Did Jim [manager] do that again?
Hr clerk: Uh, no, I was talking about my new puppy.
Receptionist: Oh, forget what I just said. Please forget! I was supposed to forget.
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
1PM We've Just Found Our Slogan!
Ad guy, discussing viability of a "dildo flask": That way you have a business end and a party end.
Ad gal: Both ends are the party end on a hoo-ha flask!
Rio Salado Parkway
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: Jeff
12PM I Tried Veering the Car, But My Husband Kept Straightening the Wheel
Coworker #1, as coworker #2 comes in late: Oh, hi! I thought you were in a ditch or something.
Coworker #2: Ooh, I wish!
5th Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Devil Spanker
11AM Ralph Lauren Is Straight?
Coworker #1: I heard Sophia Loren was ill.
Coworker #2: Is that Ralph Lauren's wife?
48th street
Pompano Beach, Florida
10AM When Bible Story Re-Enactments Go Awry
CFO: So what will it be like? Should I be the sheep and you the one who drags me around? Oh, here's the check.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: just waiting for a check
9AM But You're Here
Black salesman: How do you know about that part of town?
White manager: Coz that's where the bitches is at!
Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
5PM But the Pool Doesn't Receive Any Mail
Pool Owner: Yes, I would like you to close my pool for the winter.
Clerk: Okay, great. Where is the pool located.
Pool Owner: In our backyard.
Clerk: Yes Ma'am I appreciate that since we have never found a permit approved for a front yard pool. Now what is the address of your pool?
Pool Owner: Was that a stupid answer?
Henninger Court
Chantilly, Virginia
Overheard by: SKippyMom
4PM Wasted Away Again in Marymagdaville
Owner: Oh shit. I just spilled tequila on the church fliers.
Jonesboro, Arizona
Overheard by: Mark Knight
3PM Butter Me Up If You Must
Guy engineer #1: Hey, want a muffin?
Guy engineer #2: Dude, you're my muffin.
Guy engineer #1, in small voice: I feel uncomfortable now.
E. County Road
Wellington, Colorado
2PM Muscle Shirts Just Look Unfortunate on Him Now
Salesman: That man was crazy!
Architect: Was he gay?
Salesman: No, he's too old to be gay!
Williamsburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Not too old
1PM Bastard Tried to Amortize It
Prospective intern #1: So, how was it?
Prospective intern #2: Dude, he mentioned EBTIDA so many times that I got a boner.
Broad Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Lloyd Blankfein
12PM Wouldn't Stop Driving My Hot Rod Lincoln
Woman: I'd like to pay my cell phone bill, but it's in my son's name and I don't have the password to see it online. So, I need to know how much it is.
Employee: You can't pay it without his authorization. I can't tell you how much it is.
Woman: He can't authorize anything, he's incarcerated.
Employee: Well, we'll need a copy of the obituary or the death certificate.
Woman: What? He's incarcerated! [pause] He's in jail.
Employee: Oh.
Frederick, Maryland
11AM Or Correctly Define "Add"
Software developer, after running a successful test: Boo-yah! I'm not dumb! I may not know what 12 minus 5 is, but I'm not dumb! Who cares if I can't add?
Suburb
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM I Don't Know Why They Don't Just Send Those Folks to Find Bin Laden
Secretary #1, talking about the real-life Napa Valley Halloween murder case: The police used his DNA and the kind of cigarettes he smoked to catch the murderer.
Secretary #2: Just like on CSI!
School
Hamilton, Ohio
Overheard by: TV has the best ideas
9AM At Our Sister Website Overheard in the Orifice
Cool manager: No genitalia sculptures on my desk this morning... Pretty good day.
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Russ G
5PM Jason Learns of Places Even Worse Than Indianapolis
Busboy: I'm joining the national guard next week. You get lots of tuition for only one weekend a month and two weeks a year.
Manager: Yeah, right. Pick me up a key chain from Baghdad, would you?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM Oh Wait-- It's Winter There When It's Summer Here, Right?
Young guy in office to crowd: Yeah, I spent all of last summer visiting Holland.
Only girl in office: Really? Oh my god, how was the fourth of July over there?
Guy and office: [silence].
18th Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Quiet Chuckler
3PM The Clerk Used to Work at Starbucks
Customer: I need to get a dozen and a half, mixed.
Clerk, counting on her day-glo orange fingernails: It'd be cheaper if you got 18.
Customer: What's the difference?
Clerk: ten cents.
Smirking customer: Ok, I'll take 18.
Dunkin' Donuts
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: are u kidding me?
2PM I'd Have to See the Poster
Male employee: I think that guy was flirting with you.
Female employee: What are you talking about?
Male employee: You are like the workplace poster girl. Crap, is that harassment?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Centerfold
1PM PTSD Is Quite Common in the Postal Service
Woman yelling to husband over cell phone, with look of horror in her eyes: *Bob? Bob?!? Bob, are you crying? Are you crying, bob?!? Yes, I need stamps. 100 of them.
University Place
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Studs
12PM When Season 5's Lisa Peed in an Adult Diaper, the Show Forfeited Any Outside Chance at Glamour
Female staff: Oh man, I'm so into "America's Next Top Model." You know that show.
Male staff: Oh yes. Good quality programming.
Female staff: They were having this marathon on VH1 this weekend, like the whole last season all at once. I got so hooked. But I missed the last two or three episodes, so I don't know who won it.
Male staff: That's awful. You really don't know? That was last season.
Female staff: No, I didn't see the last few episodes.
Male staff: You mean to tell me that you don't know who won last season's "America's Next Top Model"?
Female staff: I didn't see the last episode?
Male staff: But you don't recognize her from all of the glamorous advertisements and runway shows she's been doing?
Female staff: Well, no, I... Oh. You're being sarcastic.
Male staff: For minutes now.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
11AM If It Were Vanity, You Could Be Charged with a Hate Crime
Accounting peon #1: This pen leaks. I look like I killed a smurf with my bare hands.
Accounting peon #2: Which smurf?
Accounting peon #1: Jokey.
Accounting peon #2: Nice.
Westridge
Watsonville, California
Overheard by: Happens to me too.
10AM Just Change Your Mousepad and Get Back to Work
Woman to HR director: Can I get workers compensation for pulling my twat muscle?
HR director: What's a twat muscle?
Dallas, Texas
9AM She's a Lot Less Animated These Days
Worker bee #1: Hey, did you notice Claire* doesn't wear that green suit thing anymore?
Worker bee #2: No, I think she realized people were calling her Shrek.
Worker bee #1: [after a pause.] yeah... Yeah I can see that actually.
Civic Drive
Greensborough
Australia
Overheard by: it's so true
5PM Right After "Thou Shalt Not Let Thy Friends Go Home with Ugly People"
Underling to boss, incredulous: The lord was cock-blocking you?!
Boss: Sure! It's in the bible!
Los Angeles, California
4PM Sign: You Must Be This Tall to Be a Mom
Woman co-worker: She's just always been angry at the world. She thinks people don't respect her because she's a midget, and a single mother.
Crenshaw Blvd
Torrance, California
3PM What Did People Do Before That Excuse?
Customer service rep to customer service rep: Dude, I totally fell asleep in the middle of that last call. The lady was like, uh, hello? I said, uh, yeah, sorry about that. My computer's really slow.
Elevator
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here...
2PM But It Also Limits the Number Of People Who'd Steal Your Jacket
Office manager to adult male employee, in reference to getting his name embroidered on his jacket: No, you never do that. That means pedophiles can come up to you and go "Jooohhn... Come heeeeeere, I've got some caaaaaaandy!"
Humble Texas
1PM Raise Your Hand If You Assumed "Get My Freak On" Meant Something Else
White attorney,at deposition: Are there any activities you used to do before the accident that you can no longer do?
Trinidadian woman, 55: I can't get my freak on anymore.
White attorney, smiling: Remember, I have to report this to a bunch of other white people. How often did you used to freak before the accident?
Trinidadian woman: Oh, I went to dance clubs all the time. Plus I used to go hiking all the time.
White attorney: And by "hiking," you mean walking on nature trails, right? I mean, that's not some hip-hop slang, right?
Trinidadian woman: Yeah, just walking up mountains and stuff.
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM No Matter How Much MacGyver I Watched As a Kid
Frustrated lawyer on phone: I know they are engineers! But I cannot draft a contract using only Venn diagrams, mathematic equations and animé references!
Lamar Overland Park
Kansas
Overheard by: Needs A Drink
11AM I'd Like My Offspring to Have the Eye Of the Tiger
Stockbroker, matter-of-factly: I don't care about the results of interspecies breeding, I just want to have entire populations of zoos inseminating our women. That is an end in itself.
Financial District
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Like You've Never Stared at His Package?
Flustered bailiff: Ok, I sound a little obsessed with this woman I have zero connection to other than she had sex with the delivery guy my married co-worker has a crush on, but seriously, what a whore.
Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Administration
9AM Just Pretend I Am A Voter, Tell ME You Are, Then Ignore MY Wishes
Clerk: Okay, you have 12:45 and 1:45 subcommittees, AG is at 1:00, and Natural Resources is at 2: 00. I'm going to leave everything here on my desk and go do some work in the back office.
Senator: Do you even think I'm listening to you?
Clerk: No, not really.
State Capitol
Des Moines, Iowa
5PM I Was Thinking More in Terms Of Using It As Toilet Paper
Editor to writer: Do you want to talk about your cover story submission?
Writer: Not really.
Editor: Well, there are a couple of techniques we could use to improve it.
Writer: Is one of them leaving it the hell alone?
Augusta, Georgia
4PM You Probably Think This Quote Is about You
Co-worker to boss: You wanna hear how self-centered I am?
Boss: Please!
Los Angeles, California
3PM To Use a Completely Hypothetical Example.
Professor: So, you know how if you feed your sister-in-law's kid a lot of sugar and caffeine, and he gets all crazy-like and runs around screaming? Well, that's like exciting the molecule. And after a while, the excitement dies down, and he hits something. Like a wall. And if you're lucky, he vomits. Fluorescence is the vomit of molecule excitation.
High Point University
High Point, North Carolina
Overheard by: This is what we're teaching the leaders of tomorrow?
2PM Got My Algorithms in the Air Like I Just Don't Care!
Software programmer, rapping while coding: Encrypt that shit! Encrypt that shit! Keep those bitches out of our shit!
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Chris
1PM I'm a Married Man
Female clerk: Did you eat yet?
Male clerk: Yeah, I've been here since 1:30.
Female clerk: Ooh! Then can I lint-brush you?
Convenience Store
Brighton, Massachusetts
12PM So That Was You in the Potted Plant?
Professor: We need this paper to be huge! I want people to fear us when we go to meetings... We need to be like male elephants!
Grad student #1: You want me to grow tusks?
Grad student #2: You want me to grow big ears?
Professor: No! We need to pee all over everything!
Johns Hopkins University
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
11AM And Write Up a Comprehensive Report.
Employee, to boss : These internet blocks suck. I just got kicked off for trying to google whether or not Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite!
Boss : Well, try to remember to look it up when you get home.
Providence, Rhode Island
10AM Just Answer the Question, Miss
Nurse, screening for life insurance: So tell me about your siblings...
Male worker: Well, I have 3 sisters, two older and one who's a twin. I'm the youngest by two minutes.
Nurse: Oh, really? You have a twin sister? Are you identical?
Male worker: Are you serious? You're a professional nurse and you're asking me if I'm identical to my twin sister? Is this screening over because I've got work to do.
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Stan Green
9AM My Taste Buds Are Resurrected
Excited graduate assistant: Cadbury cream eggs are like the Jesus of Easter!
Faculty passerby: Wait, what?
Ohio State University
Columbus, Ohio
5PM I Was TRYING to Look at Kiddie Porn
Engineer, to the HR director: Just in case you get a phone call about it later, I wasn't trying to look at gay porn on my computer.
Farmers Branch, Texas
4PM Why "Employees Must Wash Hands" Signs Exist
Gay server #1: We'll be meeting that non-lesbian who looks just like a guy.
Gay server #2: Dibs on her anus.
[pause]
Gay server #1: It's always about the anus with you, isn't it?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM It's So Cold in Minneapolis That People Slaughter Dogs to Sleep In
Girl: I was in the meeting today and I thought to myself -hmm, I think I smell like carcass...
Parkplace and Gamble
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: cubsicle
2PM You're Less Fun Every Time I Talk to You
Co-worker #1: Man! Sasha* is on the phone every time I go over there to talk to her.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, you're right! She is! You know who else is on the phone a lot? Latoya*.
Co-worker #1: ... She's the receptionist...
Tysons Corner, Virginia
1PM You Can't Even Prove That Caused the Rash.
Dispatcher: Don't take it personally. You gave me the finger, I gave you the tongue.
Salt Lake, Utah
12PM And As Stenographers
Publisher rep: This guy did a study on blind men who use prostitutes.
Book buyer: Ok.
Publisher rep, whispering: For sex.
308 Westwood Plaza
Los Angeles, California
11AM Dear Diary-- Told Charlotte How I Feel Today!
Office chick #1: Hey, I like your shoes. Are they new?
Office chick #2: Thanks. I've had them for a while. I just haven't been wearing them.
Office chick #1: They're kind of low cut.
Office dude: Yeah, I can see a lot of arch. If this was the middle east, I'd totally be raping you right now.
Rancho Cordova, California
Overheard by: Good thing we're in Cali.
10AM To Be Fair, Though, It Also Ebbs.
Systems administrator: No, it isn't a flowchart, it's a chart that just happens to flow.
Aberdeen
Scotland
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Auditor in the corner
9AM Is There a Shortcut for That?
Office girl #1: Is there a shortcut to delete something in excel?
Office girl #2: Just hit delete.
Office girl #1: Yeah but you know how Control-c is copy and Control-v is paste.
Office girl #2: Well there is an actual delete button.
Office girl #1: No, I know -I am just trying to save time.
Office girl #2: Well hitting two buttons is not going to be quicker than hitting one.
Office girl #1: I know -but it's a shortcut, you know?
Office girl #2: Google it.
Corporate Pointe
Culver City, California
Overheard by: Lyn
5PM Dude, You Need to Quit Watching The L Word
Developer, talking about boss: Yeah, and I was giving him crap because he wouldn't come out with us because his wife's gay... I mean pregnant!
State & Water
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
4PM Or Who Takes Magic Mushrooms. Whatever.
Editor: I want a story about a person.
Intern: What kind?
Editor: Oh, I don't know. But it could be a lollipop man, who straps a rocket to the back of his lollipop, and now flies to New York in five seconds.
Edinburgh
Scotland
3PM I Need to Know Whether Asking Murphy* Out Will Require Tapping My Foot in a Bathroom Stall
Man: Is Murphy* a man? Or a woman?
Woman: Does it matter?
Man: Um yeah. I was going to ask Terry out, and the shape of his? Her? Genitals rather matters to me.
Woman: Bigot.
Church in Victoria
British Columbia
Canadia
2PM Next You'll Tell Me a Sweaty Butt Doesn't Mean Six More Weeks of Winter
Female clerk: My nipples itch... Someone must be thinking about me.
Male doctor: What?!?
Female clerk: Isn't that what they say? When your nipples itch someone is thinking about you?
Male doctor: Nooooooo...
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Who-la-hey
1PM Realistic About How Dumb and Slutty Women Are
Male Debt Collector #1: ...I'm pretty sexist.
Male Debt Collector #2: I'm not sexist, I'm just realistic.
Magill
South Australia
Australia
Overheard by: Ilse
12PM One Day Lenny Would Quit His Job at the Pillow Factory
Frustrated supervisor: Yeah, I'm down with all this safety crap, but you know? Sometimes I wish I had a job where I could potentially cut my hand off.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Mr. Safety
11AM And Is Your Shirt Tucked Into Your Boxers?
Co-worker #1: You're wearing socks with sandals.
Co-worker #2: So?
Co-worker #1: You're lucky I'm even talking to you.
Decatur Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Can I Omit Truths to a Drag Queen?
Boss: Never lie to a transsexual!
Los Angeles, California
9AM Left Handed?
Co-worker #1: So the new governor of New York is legally blind!
Co-worker #2: Yeah, and he's black. And he's something else too... Blind, black... And... What else?
Co-worker #3: What else is there?
Burlington, Massachusetts
5PM The Gift Store Did Have Designer Hand Grenades, Though
Coworker #1: Yeah, I went to Egypt but I didn't really like it that much because it was so commercialized.
Coworker #2: I felt the same way about Israel... It was like there were just too many gift shops.
Ex-army coworker: I went to Iraq. It wasn't commercialized at all.
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
4PM Cassius Clay! You've Got a Point!
Clueless bible-thumper chick: Everyone should have to see "Passion of the Christ" so they wouldn't take our Lord's name in vain anymore. And do you notice how it's only God's name that they use? You never hear anyone saying "Oh, Muhammad Ali this, or Muhammad Ali that".
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Poor Jebus
3PM A Lesser-Known Corollary Of the Patriot Act
iPod chick #1: I told Lauren* to look hot today, we'll see...
iPod chick #2: I know, it's so hard for her. She can only look hot like once a month.
Waltham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Joe
2PM Like Every Issue of Every Women's Magazine
Female peon: Linda*, I heard you are on a diet again!
Linda: Why? D'you have a diet?
Female peon: No, I am just clarifying. This way when I see you eat certain things, I can remind you that you are on a diet.
New York City, New York
1PM And for Surprise Guests with Undiscriminating Palates
Coworker, after scavenging through lunch meeting leftovers: My sandwich didn't look very fulfilling so I added some corned beef.
Fellow scavenger: Wait -there was corned beef in there?
Coworker: No, I keep some in my office for emergencies.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Nook
12PM I Find Birth Control Is the Best Mood Elevator
Office secretary: Beth* keeps me entertained.
Beth*: Yep, just give me a pill!
Pineville, Louisiana
11AM That's a Promise from Us to You
Insurance salesman: Now, you can only die once, but you can become disabled many times.
Florida
10AM At the Law Offices of Floppy, Moppy, Cottontail & Peter
Boss: Who is this? You have to identify yourself -- my hard drive is full!
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM We May Have to Drop the Three Stooges Training Films
Inspector: We were in the middle of the health and safety conference, and a fire broke out in the lift.
Call center girl: Really? My god! What happened?!
Inspector: Everyone started to run, but the hallway was really narrow so we got stuck.
Call center girl: Oh my god, what happened?!
Inspector: The fire brigade just opened the fire doors in the conference room. Mr. Lawry* wants to see us now.
Call center girl: So why do you have to go see Mr. Lawry?
Inspector: I think we're doing more training...
Wembley Road
Wembley
England
5PM But We Play a Mean Accordian
Customer to toddler: Son, you've just learned a valuable lesson that you can use in life -- the men in your family don't dance.
6230 East Speedway Boulevard
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Employee
4PM For Example, I'm Happy to Be Talking to You
Senior consultant: I'm not sure that the wow factors you listed here are really wow factors.
Consultant: Meh, I'm easily pleased.
209-215 Blackfriars Road
London
England
Overheard by: Underwhelmed
3PM Only Dates Women Who Lie to Him
Grunt #1: How much do you think a golf ball weighs?
Grunt #2: Over a pound, easy.
125 Corporate Office Center
Earth City, Missouri
Overheard by: Matt
2PM Working Title: Robbing Peter to Pay Polyp
Boss: Yeah, I have to have another colonoscopy in a couple months.
Employee: That sounds unpleasant.
Boss: Mmm-hm -- colonoscopy, the ultimate home movie.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
1PM Where I Get My Own Way and You Think It's Your Idea
Consultant after hanging up phone: Ah, the art of bullshit.
NYU Medical Center
New York
12PM It's Just a Regular Nose -- God!
Over the loudspeaker: Tiny Steve*, please call 3-8-1*. Tiny Steve... Where is Tiny Steve?
Tampa, Florida
11AM Fine, I'm All Done Making Cookies for You
Gay admin: I'm thinking of taking a gym class at a community college next quarter. What do you think I should take?
Straight admin: Badminton. Yep, definitely badminton. That's nice and gay.
Sunnyvale, California
10AM I'm Not Having Any Unprotected
Office girl on cell: Come on, Mom, you know how I feel about socks!
621 East 9th Street
Des Moines, Iowa
9AM The Only Kind Worth Eating
Cube dweller #1, dressed as redneck hunter: Whew, that salsa's hot! I can't eat any more of it!
Cube dweller #2, dressed as kitty cat: She'll eat wild beaver, but not hot salsa... [Coworkers stare.]
New Mexico
Overheard by: ummmm.....she'll eat what?
5PM How on Earth Is She Related to Steven Tyler?
Coworker #1: She doesn't look like her name, does she?
Coworker #2: No... She doesn't.
Coworker #1: Yeah, she's a little hottie!
MGM Grand
Las Vegas, Nevada
4PM It's Like You Learned Nothing in Clown College
Whiny girl: I don't know why anyone won't take me seriously!
Mentor: Well, Kimmy*, you've got to show some confidence.
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Not Steffi
3PM These Days I Only Speak on the Phone
Employee #1: Oh, wow! How do you like that Bluetooth ear piece?!
Employee #2: I'm on the phone!
New York, New York
2PM He's Imagining a Python Swallowing a Pig
Assistant eating sub sandwich: Man, I'm full already.
Hoochie coworker: You just consumed less than four inches of that thing. Heck, I usually stuff at least a 12-inch down my throat...
Assistant: Uh, yeah, I'm definitely done now...
California
Overheard by: californiatrinity
1PM Kid, Have We Got a Job for You
Employee's daughter: Sometimes I like to lick my jacket!
1114 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kelly
12PM Unless You Need a Roommate
Male worker filling out stack of forms: So, your address is the same?
Female worker, giving info: Yeah... I haven't moved since we filled out the last form.
San Antonio, Texas
11AM I Donate My Old Fashion Magazines to Them
Cube girl: I am starving suddenly. Like, Albania-starving.
Cube guy: Are people starving in Albania?
Cube girl: The anorexic ones.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM When They're Driving a Motorboat?
Suit: Okay, so we will have the guy wearing an "I brake for whales" t-shirt?
Client: Are you aware that whales live in the ocean?
Suit: Yes.
Client: How can someone brake for a whale?
Suit: [Silence.]
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ave Chitenmyhair
9AM Which One is the "One"?
Peon: Is one million with six zeros?
Boss: Yes, and a one.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
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