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April 2008 Archives
5PM Translation: I'm the Most Important Thing in This Room
Prof: Questions, comments, concerns, snide remarks, songs, poems, eloquent discourses on the topic of your choice? No? Good.
Economics Class, East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
4PM I'm Just Sayin' -- You've Got Balls, Lady
Professional woman: I work out at lunch everyday, it's part of my routine.
Professional man: Wow, you really have some testical fortitude to stick to that routine.
Woman: What?
One Shell Plaza Elevator
Houston, Texas
3PM ...and Gets Me Female Companionship
Comp tech: If I had a million dollars I'd invent popcorn that pops every kernel.
Broadway
New York City, New York
Overheard by: TerryFTW
2PM And How Many Times Has This Happened to You?
Client on phone, returning from lunch: What, we have a meeting now? I'll be there in ten minutes. Is [the boss] around?
Admin: Yeah, he's right here.
Client: Good, go kick him in the shin for me.
Admin: Um, you're on speakerphone.
Client: I hate you! How many times have I told you never to put me on speakerphone!?
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
1PM Luckily This One Never Existed *Shredding Noises*
Lawyer: It's not exactly ethical but we have to get this thing out today.
Intern: That isn't just unethical... Isn't it illegal?
Lawyer: Only if you think contracts are binding.
Madison Avenue
New York City, New York
12PM That's What You Said About Cancer Patients
Receptionist on phone: Some people say they have OCD. They don't have OCD. They're nuts!
Office
Lyndhurst, New Jersey
11AM ...Outside the Context of Our Basement.
Female cube worker #1: Have you ever heard of that black and blue ball thing? You know I would never go to that.
Female cube worker #2: Oh yeah?
Female cube worker #1: Yeah. My uncle and brother go to that. And my uncle only wears chaps.
Supervisor walking by: Are you guys working?
Male cube worker: Anyways, why don't you go?
Female cube worker #1: Well, frankly I just wouldn't want to see them in that state.
Taylor Avenue
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canadia
10AM North, by God, America!
Paralegal: Well, Montreal is technically in America.
Design Center Place
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: umm ... really?
9AM And She Was Totally Ungrateful About Last Year's Weight Watchers Subscription
Thoughtful receptionist: What are you getting your wife for Valentine's Day?
Sales shark: Nothing. She's already my wife.
Madison Avenue
New York City, New York
5PM Anaphylactic Shock Isn't the Worst Way to Go
Cube monkey #1: I'm losing my will to live.
Cube monkey #2: Would a tiny peanut butter cookie help?
Calgary
Canada
4PM Amy's Grandpa Is Also Her Father
Food court employee #1: I think I have a lizard tail growin' out of my butt!
Food court employee #2: Oh, I see it!
Allegheny College
Meadville, Pennsylvania
3PM A Tom Jones Song Is Never Called for in the Office
Female employee: [Burps loudly.]
Male employee: Ooh, sexy! [Singing.] She's a lady! Whoa whoa whoa!
Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM I'm Going to Call You Back Using a Fake British Accent
Engineer on phone: Hi, this is Jim from [Company A]. Oh, wait, that's you. Shit.
Paterson, New Jersey
1PM Elvis Costello: Genius!
Hardhat #1: Don't worry. You will do something wrong that will make her mad, sooner or later.
Hardhat #2: Impossible. I don't do wrong shit everyday!
Construction site
Austell, Georgia
12PM Thus Following the Golden Rule.
Office drone: Ahhhh crap! I peed on the floor. If I knew I was going to pee on the floor today, I'd never have come to work.
From within a Stall in the Men's Restroom, Office Building
Rochester, Minnesota
11AM ...How Much I'm Enjoying Your Discomfort
Beastly employee: That reminds me of when I was skinny. I was smoking. With my thigh-high boots.
Pretty employee: Mmmm... cool.
Beastly employee: I won't ever wear them again. I am too fat. I will bring them in for you.
Pretty employee, unhappily: Ummmm... ok.
Passerby employee to pretty employee, sympathetically: The boots went up to her camel toe... I'm sorry.
Hawthorne, New York
Overheard by: I have my own office
10AM Let Us Pour Libations and Examine the Entrails of a Goat
Clueless VP, whispering right after lightbulb has exploded: What does it mean?
Park Avenue
New York City, New York
9AM I Respect You Too Much to Listen to You
Experienced healthcare worker: I told you not to tell our boss that I let you do that procedure, but you told her. Why did you tell her?
New Asian healthcare worker: Sometimes you talk and I just nod my head.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Alarmed healthcare worker
5PM I Was Searching for Some Important Files
Lawyer #1: I have a buddy who wears a surgical mask when he flies.
Lawyer #2: That's crazy.
Lawyer #1: No it's not.
Lawyer #3: Wait. That's not crazy, but I'm crazy for not shaking your hand after you put it down your pants?
Lawyer #1: My hand was outside my underwear!
Constitution Avenue
Washington, DC
4PM Unless He Hits the Cancer Jackpot
Health care counselor, advising another about a caller: Well, unless he has AIDS or MS, he's out of luck.
Metrocenter Boulevard
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: happyhealthworker
3PM I'm Sorry, I Didn't Get That; Please Press 1 for English...
Manager on phone: Does panting count as a response?
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Probably for Historical Reasons
Assistant: They've already designed the corn maze for a Lewis & Clark theme.
Account executive: Why did they choose Superman?
Assistant: [Stumped silence.]
Thomas Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Pants
1PM The Meteorologist Said It'd Be Fabulous
Office chick #1: Have you seen the weather today?
Office chick #2: 100% chance of gayness today.
Burlington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: tater
12PM That's an Oven, Janet
Receptionist, staring at a door: This door confuses me.
Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Emily
11AM I Know That's Hard to Swallow, But It's True
Engineer on phone with supplier: Well, I didn't mean to cram Siemens down your throat.
5th Avenue
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
10AM Would You Like Some Ethnic Slurs With That?
Angry suit on cell: Get me the money or I take your ass to court. I'll take your ass to court.
Barista: Ummm... sir? Can I get you something to drink?
Angry suit on cell: Yes, I'd like a triple mocha. [To cell.] I mean it. I'll sue your ass, you greedy, lying Italian bastard.
Barista: Sir, would you like whipped cream on your mocha?
Angry suit on cell: Like hell you'll get me the money by June. You were supposed to give it to me back in September. [To barista.] Extra whipped cream, thanks.
W Washington St
Ann Arbor, Michigan
9AM An Admin's Tail Goes from Side to Side/ But a Sales Tail Goes Like This
Sales person: Did you just say, "dildo"?
Office admin: No! I said, "tail goes".
Sales person, laughing: Wow. That's not what I heard.
Office admin: You seriously need some alone time.
James Street
Syracuse, New York
5PM Ever Tried Smoking a Tagalong?
Co-worker #1: Oh my god, girl scout cookies should so be illegal.
Co-worker #2: Yes...I have five boxes on my desk as we speak!
Co-worker #1: At least with crack you lose a lot of weight.
Wichita, Kansas
4PM Employee Evaluation: "Jake Does Gouda Work."
Boss: I smell your cheese... Or your feet.
Employee: Really? I ate it twenty minutes ago... Wait... What?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: LOL
3PM "The Strong Man Is Mightiest Alone," He Said
Engineer during meeting: So I tried to ask Hitler yesterday, but he was no help.
Senlac Drive
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: hope he doesn't know I'm jewish...
2PM With the Understanding That It's Both Preventable and Curable
Insurance salesman: Maternity is covered as a sickness under this policy.
39th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
1PM Translation: He Was Black in a White Neighborhood
News reporter #1: Why was he arrested?
News reporter #2: I guess he was suspicious-looking.
News reporter #1: Was he just going around arbitrarily replacing windshields?
Southern Maryland
Overheard by: Cubicle neighbor
12PM ...Metaphorically Speaking
Boss: Six months ago I was in pajamas with a bong!
W 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM If You're a Cereal Killer, Maybe
Lab tech #1: So I've been going to the hospital in the mornings.
Lab tech #2: Oh, are you ok?
Lab tech #1: Oh no, I've been going to watch surgeries. It's a really great way to start off the day.
Harvard
Boston Massachusetts
Overheard by: Interesting Morning
10AM Aren't There Operations for That Now?
Angry office drone: Don't fuck up the entire presentation... It will be really hard to unfuck!
Latham
New York
9AM Just a Little One
Cubicle #1: Oh no, today is Tuesday the 13th! Does that mean anything?
Cubicle #2: Umm... Today is the 12th. Tomorrow is the 13th. And humpday!
Cubicle #1: Oh no! Wednesday the 13th! Does that mean anything?
Cubicle #2: Well, it's the day before Valentine's Day. You got your wife something already, right?
Cubicle #1: Dang! I better think of something quick, right?
Cubicle #2: You haven't gotten a card or anything?
Cubicle #1: Well, I did actually get her a gift. But I opened up my trunk yesterday and it smelled funny so I took it back.
Cubicle #2: ... It wasn't a puppy, was it?
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Is That What the Kids Are Calling It These Days?
Peon #1, reading spam title out loud: "...all wet and pink..."
Peon #2: Are they talking about a flamingo?
Palmer Street
Missoula, Montana
4PM The Workshop Required Them All to Crochet "Fags Is the Best Girlfriends" on Little Pillows
Black female coworker: Oooh, honey, I love me some fags. Fags is the best girlfriends.
White queer coworker: That's 'cause we all want to be black women!
White female coworker: Can the rest of us get workplace diversity hours for listening to this shit?
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Giggling in my cube
3PM I'm Even Making the Groomsmen Get Their Backs Waxed
Manager: We're getting married in Gibraltar.
Designer: Oh, that sounds nice.
Manager: You know, you've heard of Gibraltar. Rocks... Monkeys... Except I don't like monkeys. I don't want monkeys in my wedding!
UNC-Chapel Hill
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
2PM And What Exactly Did He Prove?
CFO: There has to be a way to gather that information.
Financial analyst: But what you are asking me to do is simply guessing. I don't have tools to gather information that can't be proven!
CFO: Hey! Socrates only had a stick and sand!
Fourth Street
Berkeley, California
Overheard by: dude
1PM To Their Sims Avatars, Anyway
[In a crowded computer room]
Female: Dude, nobody in here even likes you.
Male: I have made love to everyone in this room!
West San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: CCRadio
12PM You Are Underutilized in Your Current Position, Dr. Lecter
Cube chick: You should go in Jeff's office -it is so cold in there you could hang meat.
Cube dude: I hang meat everywhere I go.
Dallas, Texas
11AM Which in Wisconsin Often Spells Frostbite
Female worker #1: You know he's doing a show here, right?
Female worker #2: Oh, someone get me a tissue, my panties are wet.
Barnes & Noble
Greenfield, Wisconsin
Overheard by: darkhorse
10AM Even Telling the Truth About It Nauseates Me
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, no one at the tower can answer your call right now, there is a quartet singing a valentine on the floor. [pause] No sir, I wouldn't lie about such a thing.
N. Frontage Road
Jackson, Mississippi
9AM I'll Send You Periodic Texts on My Progress
Office lady: I'm off to the bathroom! I couldn't get the poop du jour out before work this morning!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: please hold while I alert the media
5PM Amphetamines Are an Excellent Short-Term Management Tool
Hostess: I once gave everyone in my restaurant an Adderall. We had never been more efficient!
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Not the Third Time It Takes Its SATs
Office worker #1: .... Mmmmmm.... You really don't look well. What's wrong?
Office worker #2: Well I don't know... Is it normal for your bladder to be apprehensive?
Grafton Street
Dublin
Ireland
Overheard by: Rory the irish guy
3PM I Was a Cornhusker Cheerleader, Y'know
Female clerk: Hey *Mark, you don't sound like you want to be here today.
Male clerk: And you want to be here today?
Female clerk: You want me to rub it off for ya?
Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Db's Mom
2PM I Don't Even Try to Fit in Anymore
Coworker #1: Yeah, we should go ahead and fix that. Then, when we're done, we could dance around it like pagans.
Coworker #2: What? I don't even know what to say to you sometimes.
Coworker #1: Just stand back and pity my mother.
Washington, DC
1PM It's Replaced Terrorism As the Leading American Phobia
Woman on phone: I just don't want you to end up on that show where the news reporter comes into the kitchen and the guys have their pants off...
K Street
Washington, DC