Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
March 2008 Archives
5PM I Got This Idea from an Afterschool Special...
Office girl #1: Man, I'm really bored. I know what we should do... [Looks around] Aw, we don't have any glue, do we?
Office girl #2, confused and horrified: Um...
610 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
4PM "Chill"? Inappropriate Tone? That Monster!
Lady peon: I had a third thing to mention to you.
Manager: Okay, go ahead.
Lady peon: When I was on the phone with Susan*, she got mad at me. She told me to chill in a very inappropriate tone.
Manager: Uh-huh.
Lady peon: I think she'll sabotage your party over this. I think she's gone around the bend.
Manager: You think she's gone around the bend?
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Making Copies
3PM So How Do You Wrap Your Meat, Then?
Woman: Gary*, do you have any peach paper?
Gary, flabbergasted: Peach paper?! I'm a man!
Madison Street
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: jimBO
2PM It's More Like Unearthing One That You Buried
Female coworker: I don't know. I was thinking about losing about 50 pounds.
Male coworker: Yeah, I think I could lose about 30 to 40 myself.
Female coworker: You know what I heard? With men, if you lose, like, 35 pounds, you gain an inch.
Male coworker: Uh...
500 North King Street
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: i just wanted a coke
1PM And They Only Have Slurs for the Irish
Coworker #1: So, did you hear that Keith Richards said the N-word in his comedy bit the other day?
Coworker #2: That's a shame. I thought he was from England.
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Ray
12PM I Call That Time "The Lost Years"
Associate: No, I don't eat dog food. Maybe I used to...
Vernon Hills, Illinois
Overheard by: just buying candy
11AM The Customer Is Always Righteous
Cashier: Alright, so that's going to be $47.68.
Customer: What? The book was $31.99!
Cashier: Ummm, actually, it was $44.99...
Customer: It says $31.99!
Cashier: I'm afraid you were looking at the American price, ma'am...
Customer: So?!
Cashier: We're in Canada.
Customer, indignant: Well, I want to speak to a manager!
Cashier: Unfortunately, I don't think he'll be able to change global economy, but let me page him...
Ontario
Canadia
10AM Turns Out George Michael Just Had a Big Gulp for Lunch
Guy at sink to guy at urinal: Any more than two shakes and you're jerking off.
Men's room, 14 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
9AM Dick, on the Other Hand...
Boss reviewing Myers Briggs Type Indicator results: I am surprised by Stan's* P-ness. [Silence.] Well, Stan's results show that he has a slight P-ness, and I was expecting him to not have any P in him at all. [Room erupts with laughter.]
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Overheard by: Still Laughing Inside
5PM Screenplay by David Mamet
Employee #1: Sorry, I talk to myself a lot. Let me know if it gets annoying.
Employee #2: That's okay! We all have annoying habits. I just can't stop fucking swearing!
Australia
4PM You May Know Them As Blue Man Group
Professor: People never say half the things they are supposed to have said. I mean, just ask Jesus -- 'It wasn't me, it was my flippin' disciples.'
Queens University
Kingston, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Hello? Bowling!
Desk monkey #1: I heard she and her boyfriend had Brazilian waxes done together. The man's treatment is called the 'free willy wax.'
Desk monkey #2: Oooh! Can you do that? I mean, you can't wax a man's balls!
Netherlands
Overheard by: Ouch!
2PM You Can Watch the Movie During the Proceedings
Coworker #1: I have Popular, NipTuck, and Six Feet Under in my queue, but I'm really a movie whore.
Coworker #2: That's good. Admitting you're a whore is the first step towards actually getting paid for it.
Coworker #1: What the hell are you talking about?
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM An SOW, an RFP, and Thou Beside Me in the Shipyard
Supervisor to contractor: What can I do to turn you on?
Shipyard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: sarah
12PM Oh, Stop Sucking Up
Executive: If I had to use that, my arm would fall off!
Scientist: This coming from the guy with the largest disposable pipette!
Rockland, Maryland
11AM That's Why I'm the Fire Warden
Office chick #1: I want a small desk lamp for ambient lighting. A candle would rock... but I know most companies frown upon flammable things.
Office chick #2: Well, we have a flammable toaster oven, so I don't see how a small candle would be any different.
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
10AM Seems Like a Lot of Work to Get Another Job, Though
Designer: ... And then [the director] said, 'What else did you accomplish today?' Can you believe that?!
Writer: What the hell business is it of his what you do here?
Designer: And so what if I did go to lunch with you for three hours? Is that a crime? Can a man not waste a little time on the company dollar anymore? What the hell kind of place is this becoming?!
Writer: I ask myself that everyday.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM Seems Like These Rangers Been "Lone" Too Long
Male employee: Well, I guess we're the last ones here.
Female employee: Yeah, we're like... the Lone Rangers.
Male employee: Oh, yeah? Who gets to be Tonto?
Female employee: I don't know. Who was he, again?
Male employee: The Indi-- Native American.
Female employee: Oh. Well, all he wore was a loincloth.
Male employee: That's not gonna be me, then.
Female employee, looking down at her large breasts: It sure isn't going to be me! ... Besides, I'd rather be a horse... Look, that didn't come out right, okay?
Scott A.F.B
Illinois
Overheard by: they overlooked me
5PM At Phone Saks Fifth Avenue
Coworker on phone: How can I help you? Ummm... Okay. Sir, is everything alright? Well, you seem to be breathing a little heavy. No, I can't help you with that. You should probably go out and buy a magazine. I'm hanging up now sir [hangs up]. Fucking freaks.
Spring Street and Cleveland Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Ari
4PM He Couldn't Stop and Had to Be Put Down
Project coordinator on phone: They moved people into my area... No! They already moved them into my area... Yes, I know it's my area, dammit! I already peed on the desks and claimed them as mine!
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Still can't stop laughing!!!
3PM As a Freudian, He Thinks All Poontangs Stink
Therapist #1: Oh my god! Look at Britney Spears!
Therapist #2: I bet her poontang stinks.
California
Overheard by: Britney's Got Issues
2PM Who's Best Hands Up?
Woman #1: Heard from your old high school boyfriend lately?
Woman #2: No. He's traveling. Moving to Florida. Wife number three.
Woman #1: Would you nail him again?
Woman #2: In a heartbeat. Best in oral sex, hands down.
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Makin' Copies
1PM Do We Even Sell That?
Peon: Barry*, did you put a folder on my computer called 'Horse porn'?
Barry: No.
Beaverton, Oregon
12PM Basil Finally Recovers from New Year's Eve
Man smoking outside office door: What year is this anyway? It's 2006, isn't it?
Goswell Road
London
England
Overheard by: Ava
11AM How You Know a Colleague Is Off His Meds
Grunt: The mothers, the kids, everyone -- cut 'em up and shred 'em!
506 Jersey Avenue
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: in the slurbs
10AM So Getting Married Was the Next Logical Step
Employee #1: Dude, why would you go anywhere with her?
Employee #2: Hey, she needed a date... And I own a tux!
Conyers, Georgia
Overheard by: Abused Office Girl
9AM Look, Madge, There's Those Two Retarded Customers Again
Woman #1 in line at cafeteria: That one girl never gives out the big portions. She must be cheap.
Woman #2: I know, eh? She seems slow, too. Do you think she's retarded?
Woman #1: Yeah, Down's-lite.
Front Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: nothingsacred
5PM Now You Know Everything I Know
Director of operations: The faster you run it, the faster it goes.
Kibler Street
New Washington, Ohio
Overheard by: What?!?
4PM I Replaced Somebody Who Went Looking for It
Customer: Where is the fresh pasta?
Clerk: I don't know. I'm new here, too.
Lompoc, California
Overheard by: Still Searching
3PM But Not Tomorrow, Please
Male employee: Can I clock out?
Male manager: Sure, go ahead. And thanks for bringing sexy back today.
Exposition Boulevard
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Made me wish I worked at Costco
2PM We Need Five More Consultants, Stat!
Manager: We're all inoperative here!
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
1PM Some Are, Some Aren't
Receptionist on phone: Are your panties un-bunched?!
55th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Grip Strength, Too
Peon: Here, let me do it. My forearms are stronger -- I'm not married.
Harmony Avenue
Portage, Indiana
Overheard by: nightmare1970
11AM Theirs All Goes for, Like, Essentials or Something
Bridezilla-to-be on cell in lounge: ... Yeah, but, like, his family is just so different than ours, Mom! They're lower class and aren't used to spending a lot of money on stuff like that!
Insurance company
Grand Rapids, Michigan
10AM She Laughed All the Way to the Free Clinic
Barmaid: I know, but it's funnier as an STD.
Seattle, Washington
9AM Cashier: You Just Seemed Nice.
Cashier: And may I have your phone number, please?
Lady: What the hell for? You gonna call me up when you're havin' a sale?
Older lady: Hush, Lavinia. This here place is always on sale.
Lady: My point exactly.
Paramus, New Jersey
5PM How "Grow-a-Date" Was Born
Young female manager: Can I get you anything else today, sir?
Man: Yeah, a wife of childbearing age.
Young female manager: Well, I can't help you there, but how about some water?
208 West 72nd Street
New York, New York
4PM Well-Mounted!
Employee to another: Oh, is that the girl you put the rack on for?
Bike shop
Wantagh, New York
Overheard by: eviltwin
3PM This Just In: Socialite Anorexic. In Other Breaking News, Sky Blue.
Coworker #1: So, what do you think about Nicole Richie? Do you think she's anorexic?
Coworker #2: I don't think she's anorexic. I just think she never eats.
29111 Stephenson Highway
Madison Heights, Michigan
Overheard by: Make it stop
2PM I Dunno -- You've Been Pitching That All Week
Girl at lunch table: I'm not musty -- it's her sandwich.
630 Broad Street
Gadsden, Alabama
1PM Dude, Get Your Mind Out of the Butter
Sales rep on phone: Okay, so that's V as in 'voluptuous,' A as in 'anatomy,' N as in 'nutrition...'
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
12PM With Nuts, Actually
Barista: Would you like this brownie heated up?
Brownie man: I like my brownies like I like my women.
Barista: Dark and covered in chocolate?
Coffee shop
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: agrees with him
11AM And by "Doing Things Right" I Mean We're Slouching Toward Mediocrity
Manager: I don't know how you do things at your branch, but around here, we cut corners.
Sales associate: So basically you're saying that you are only doing things right because I am here?
Manager: Exactly. Enjoy your visit.
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Hand me the Scissors...
10AM Hypocritical Talk for a Girl Named Alley
Male peon: I hope you locked the door. If you didn't, some hobo is gonna use my car as his bathroom.
Lady peon: You're a hobo's bathroom!
1255 Hempstead Turnpike
Uniondale, New York
Overheard by: glad i keep my doors locked
9AM With a Light Pen
Coworker: I'm going to go draw lasers.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
5PM That Would Be Hot
Woman peon on phone: Pretend you're Islamic! Why can't we wear burqas when we're feeling ugly?!
1166 6th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Moist, Delicious Students by the Basket
Boss: It will be a nice, warm, and fuzzy family event, which will increase student yield.
Hempstead, New York
3PM We Don't Know That, Either
Boss: Why are we selling stuff we don't know how to sell?!
139 Highland Street
Bruceton Tennessee
Overheard by: soon to be hired
2PM We're Spirogyra, Stupid
Delivery driver: Why are we all conjugating outside?
Pizza place
Joshua, Texas
Overheard by: needo
1PM You Can Only Mourn a Great Deal for So Long
Woman #1: I haven't had a haircut since my friend died.
Woman #2: Why not?
Woman #1: She used to do my hair for nothing.
Woman #2: Well, it looks like a fucking Brillo pad now. I'd throw some money at your head, and fast!
365 W Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
12PM After You Get What You Want, You Won't Want It
Suit: Why does she have to be a devil? Why can't she be a demon?
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
11AM The First Californians Were Slutlers from Ohio
Coworker #1: That's why people leave places like Iowa and Ohio.
Coworker #2: Uh, why?
Coworker #1: Because they want to act out their tendencies toward promiscuity!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Not from...those places