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March 2008 Archives
5PM I Got This Idea from an Afterschool Special...
Office girl #1: Man, I'm really bored. I know what we should do... [Looks around] Aw, we don't have any glue, do we?
Office girl #2, confused and horrified: Um...
610 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
4PM "Chill"? Inappropriate Tone? That Monster!
Lady peon: I had a third thing to mention to you.
Manager: Okay, go ahead.
Lady peon: When I was on the phone with Susan*, she got mad at me. She told me to chill in a very inappropriate tone.
Manager: Uh-huh.
Lady peon: I think she'll sabotage your party over this. I think she's gone around the bend.
Manager: You think she's gone around the bend?
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Making Copies
3PM So How Do You Wrap Your Meat, Then?
Woman: Gary*, do you have any peach paper?
Gary, flabbergasted: Peach paper?! I'm a man!
Madison Street
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: jimBO
2PM It's More Like Unearthing One That You Buried
Female coworker: I don't know. I was thinking about losing about 50 pounds.
Male coworker: Yeah, I think I could lose about 30 to 40 myself.
Female coworker: You know what I heard? With men, if you lose, like, 35 pounds, you gain an inch.
Male coworker: Uh...
500 North King Street
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: i just wanted a coke
1PM And They Only Have Slurs for the Irish
Coworker #1: So, did you hear that Keith Richards said the N-word in his comedy bit the other day?
Coworker #2: That's a shame. I thought he was from England.
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Ray
12PM I Call That Time "The Lost Years"
Associate: No, I don't eat dog food. Maybe I used to...
Vernon Hills, Illinois
Overheard by: just buying candy
11AM The Customer Is Always Righteous
Cashier: Alright, so that's going to be $47.68.
Customer: What? The book was $31.99!
Cashier: Ummm, actually, it was $44.99...
Customer: It says $31.99!
Cashier: I'm afraid you were looking at the American price, ma'am...
Customer: So?!
Cashier: We're in Canada.
Customer, indignant: Well, I want to speak to a manager!
Cashier: Unfortunately, I don't think he'll be able to change global economy, but let me page him...
Ontario
Canadia
10AM Turns Out George Michael Just Had a Big Gulp for Lunch
Guy at sink to guy at urinal: Any more than two shakes and you're jerking off.
Men's room, 14 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
9AM Dick, on the Other Hand...
Boss reviewing Myers Briggs Type Indicator results: I am surprised by Stan's* P-ness. [Silence.] Well, Stan's results show that he has a slight P-ness, and I was expecting him to not have any P in him at all. [Room erupts with laughter.]
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Overheard by: Still Laughing Inside
5PM Screenplay by David Mamet
Employee #1: Sorry, I talk to myself a lot. Let me know if it gets annoying.
Employee #2: That's okay! We all have annoying habits. I just can't stop fucking swearing!
Australia
4PM You May Know Them As Blue Man Group
Professor: People never say half the things they are supposed to have said. I mean, just ask Jesus -- 'It wasn't me, it was my flippin' disciples.'
Queens University
Kingston, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Hello? Bowling!
Desk monkey #1: I heard she and her boyfriend had Brazilian waxes done together. The man's treatment is called the 'free willy wax.'
Desk monkey #2: Oooh! Can you do that? I mean, you can't wax a man's balls!
Netherlands
Overheard by: Ouch!
2PM You Can Watch the Movie During the Proceedings
Coworker #1: I have Popular, NipTuck, and Six Feet Under in my queue, but I'm really a movie whore.
Coworker #2: That's good. Admitting you're a whore is the first step towards actually getting paid for it.
Coworker #1: What the hell are you talking about?
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM An SOW, an RFP, and Thou Beside Me in the Shipyard
Supervisor to contractor: What can I do to turn you on?
Shipyard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: sarah
12PM Oh, Stop Sucking Up
Executive: If I had to use that, my arm would fall off!
Scientist: This coming from the guy with the largest disposable pipette!
Rockland, Maryland
11AM That's Why I'm the Fire Warden
Office chick #1: I want a small desk lamp for ambient lighting. A candle would rock... but I know most companies frown upon flammable things.
Office chick #2: Well, we have a flammable toaster oven, so I don't see how a small candle would be any different.
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
10AM Seems Like a Lot of Work to Get Another Job, Though
Designer: ... And then [the director] said, 'What else did you accomplish today?' Can you believe that?!
Writer: What the hell business is it of his what you do here?
Designer: And so what if I did go to lunch with you for three hours? Is that a crime? Can a man not waste a little time on the company dollar anymore? What the hell kind of place is this becoming?!
Writer: I ask myself that everyday.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM Seems Like These Rangers Been "Lone" Too Long
Male employee: Well, I guess we're the last ones here.
Female employee: Yeah, we're like... the Lone Rangers.
Male employee: Oh, yeah? Who gets to be Tonto?
Female employee: I don't know. Who was he, again?
Male employee: The Indi-- Native American.
Female employee: Oh. Well, all he wore was a loincloth.
Male employee: That's not gonna be me, then.
Female employee, looking down at her large breasts: It sure isn't going to be me! ... Besides, I'd rather be a horse... Look, that didn't come out right, okay?
Scott A.F.B
Illinois
Overheard by: they overlooked me
5PM At Phone Saks Fifth Avenue
Coworker on phone: How can I help you? Ummm... Okay. Sir, is everything alright? Well, you seem to be breathing a little heavy. No, I can't help you with that. You should probably go out and buy a magazine. I'm hanging up now sir [hangs up]. Fucking freaks.
Spring Street and Cleveland Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Ari
4PM He Couldn't Stop and Had to Be Put Down
Project coordinator on phone: They moved people into my area... No! They already moved them into my area... Yes, I know it's my area, dammit! I already peed on the desks and claimed them as mine!
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Still can't stop laughing!!!
3PM As a Freudian, He Thinks All Poontangs Stink
Therapist #1: Oh my god! Look at Britney Spears!
Therapist #2: I bet her poontang stinks.
California
Overheard by: Britney's Got Issues
2PM Who's Best Hands Up?
Woman #1: Heard from your old high school boyfriend lately?
Woman #2: No. He's traveling. Moving to Florida. Wife number three.
Woman #1: Would you nail him again?
Woman #2: In a heartbeat. Best in oral sex, hands down.
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Makin' Copies
1PM Do We Even Sell That?
Peon: Barry*, did you put a folder on my computer called 'Horse porn'?
Barry: No.
Beaverton, Oregon
12PM Basil Finally Recovers from New Year's Eve
Man smoking outside office door: What year is this anyway? It's 2006, isn't it?
Goswell Road
London
England
Overheard by: Ava
11AM How You Know a Colleague Is Off His Meds
Grunt: The mothers, the kids, everyone -- cut 'em up and shred 'em!
506 Jersey Avenue
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: in the slurbs
10AM So Getting Married Was the Next Logical Step
Employee #1: Dude, why would you go anywhere with her?
Employee #2: Hey, she needed a date... And I own a tux!
Conyers, Georgia
Overheard by: Abused Office Girl
9AM Look, Madge, There's Those Two Retarded Customers Again
Woman #1 in line at cafeteria: That one girl never gives out the big portions. She must be cheap.
Woman #2: I know, eh? She seems slow, too. Do you think she's retarded?
Woman #1: Yeah, Down's-lite.
Front Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: nothingsacred
5PM Now You Know Everything I Know
Director of operations: The faster you run it, the faster it goes.
Kibler Street
New Washington, Ohio
Overheard by: What?!?
4PM I Replaced Somebody Who Went Looking for It
Customer: Where is the fresh pasta?
Clerk: I don't know. I'm new here, too.
Lompoc, California
Overheard by: Still Searching
3PM But Not Tomorrow, Please
Male employee: Can I clock out?
Male manager: Sure, go ahead. And thanks for bringing sexy back today.
Exposition Boulevard
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Made me wish I worked at Costco
2PM We Need Five More Consultants, Stat!
Manager: We're all inoperative here!
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
1PM Some Are, Some Aren't
Receptionist on phone: Are your panties un-bunched?!
55th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Grip Strength, Too
Peon: Here, let me do it. My forearms are stronger -- I'm not married.
Harmony Avenue
Portage, Indiana
Overheard by: nightmare1970
11AM Theirs All Goes for, Like, Essentials or Something
Bridezilla-to-be on cell in lounge: ... Yeah, but, like, his family is just so different than ours, Mom! They're lower class and aren't used to spending a lot of money on stuff like that!
Insurance company
Grand Rapids, Michigan
10AM She Laughed All the Way to the Free Clinic
Barmaid: I know, but it's funnier as an STD.
Seattle, Washington
9AM Cashier: You Just Seemed Nice.
Cashier: And may I have your phone number, please?
Lady: What the hell for? You gonna call me up when you're havin' a sale?
Older lady: Hush, Lavinia. This here place is always on sale.
Lady: My point exactly.
Paramus, New Jersey
5PM How "Grow-a-Date" Was Born
Young female manager: Can I get you anything else today, sir?
Man: Yeah, a wife of childbearing age.
Young female manager: Well, I can't help you there, but how about some water?
208 West 72nd Street
New York, New York
4PM Well-Mounted!
Employee to another: Oh, is that the girl you put the rack on for?
Bike shop
Wantagh, New York
Overheard by: eviltwin
3PM This Just In: Socialite Anorexic. In Other Breaking News, Sky Blue.
Coworker #1: So, what do you think about Nicole Richie? Do you think she's anorexic?
Coworker #2: I don't think she's anorexic. I just think she never eats.
29111 Stephenson Highway
Madison Heights, Michigan
Overheard by: Make it stop
2PM I Dunno -- You've Been Pitching That All Week
Girl at lunch table: I'm not musty -- it's her sandwich.
630 Broad Street
Gadsden, Alabama
1PM Dude, Get Your Mind Out of the Butter
Sales rep on phone: Okay, so that's V as in 'voluptuous,' A as in 'anatomy,' N as in 'nutrition...'
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
12PM With Nuts, Actually
Barista: Would you like this brownie heated up?
Brownie man: I like my brownies like I like my women.
Barista: Dark and covered in chocolate?
Coffee shop
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: agrees with him
11AM And by "Doing Things Right" I Mean We're Slouching Toward Mediocrity
Manager: I don't know how you do things at your branch, but around here, we cut corners.
Sales associate: So basically you're saying that you are only doing things right because I am here?
Manager: Exactly. Enjoy your visit.
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Hand me the Scissors...
10AM Hypocritical Talk for a Girl Named Alley
Male peon: I hope you locked the door. If you didn't, some hobo is gonna use my car as his bathroom.
Lady peon: You're a hobo's bathroom!
1255 Hempstead Turnpike
Uniondale, New York
Overheard by: glad i keep my doors locked
9AM With a Light Pen
Coworker: I'm going to go draw lasers.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
5PM That Would Be Hot
Woman peon on phone: Pretend you're Islamic! Why can't we wear burqas when we're feeling ugly?!
1166 6th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Moist, Delicious Students by the Basket
Boss: It will be a nice, warm, and fuzzy family event, which will increase student yield.
Hempstead, New York
3PM We Don't Know That, Either
Boss: Why are we selling stuff we don't know how to sell?!
139 Highland Street
Bruceton Tennessee
Overheard by: soon to be hired
2PM We're Spirogyra, Stupid
Delivery driver: Why are we all conjugating outside?
Pizza place
Joshua, Texas
Overheard by: needo
1PM You Can Only Mourn a Great Deal for So Long
Woman #1: I haven't had a haircut since my friend died.
Woman #2: Why not?
Woman #1: She used to do my hair for nothing.
Woman #2: Well, it looks like a fucking Brillo pad now. I'd throw some money at your head, and fast!
365 W Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
12PM After You Get What You Want, You Won't Want It
Suit: Why does she have to be a devil? Why can't she be a demon?
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
11AM The First Californians Were Slutlers from Ohio
Coworker #1: That's why people leave places like Iowa and Ohio.
Coworker #2: Uh, why?
Coworker #1: Because they want to act out their tendencies toward promiscuity!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Not from...those places
10AM One Communist Country Is Pretty Much Like Another
Supervisor: Oh, my husband is in your homeland this week!
Asian supervisor: Oh, California?
Supervisor: Uh, well, I actually meant China. But he'll be in California in a few weeks.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
9AM The Prince's Attorney Is Searching for the Princess Whose Foot Fits the Glass Bootie
Lawyer with door wide open: No, man. No, it was just a booty call.
Near Dupont Circle
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Booty Call Receptionist
5PM The Postmenstrual Always Rings Twice
Worker #1: I'm feeling a little premenstrual.
Worker #2: Jesus, didn't you just have your period?
Worker #1: Right! I had yours and mine!
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
4PM My Timberlands Really Would've Come in Handy in This Weather
Girl looking out window at rain: I picked a bad day to go straight.
Clarksville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Girl 3
3PM It's Only a Problem If You Think about It
Employee working on ad for customer: It says here that this sale won't be repeated. But down in the corner, it says 'Third annual.'
Ludlow Street
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Chuckling To Myself
2PM Why Many of Us Speak Only for Our Own Amusement
Grunt: I'm sorry, Rick*. You're gonna have to start over. I completely zoned out. I saw you standing there, and I heard you talking, and it sounded great, but...
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM I Don't Know Why We Even Have to Do Alien Autopsies
Office girl: Smell your fingers.
Office guy: Ewww, what is that?
Office girl: Smells like petroleum jelly, right?
Office guy: Ugh!
Office girl: Toxic, right?!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
12PM It Took a Year of Therapy to Get to This Point
Receptionist to another: I said, 'I don't care that you care that I think you're an asshole,' but maybe I do.
Capitol Highway
Portland, Oregon
11AM If You'll Come to Work As Little Bo Peep, Yes
Finance director: Is Halloween on the 28th this year?
E 9th & Lyon Street
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Receptionist
10AM People in Middle-America Generally Try to Remain Ignorant of What's Happening in San Francisco
CSR #1: Don't make fun of me, but where is San Francisco?
CSR #2, laughing: What? Are you serious? We have an office there!
CSR #1: I said don't make fun of me!
CSR #2: California, Lisa*. It's in California.
Fishers, Indiana
Overheard by: Geography is not her best subject
9AM The Bastards Are Grinding Him Down
Coworker #1: How do you spell 'Awww'? [Sounds it out] Awwwwwww... O-W?
Coworker #2: A-H.
Coworker #3: No, A-W-W-W.
Coworker #1: A-W-A-W?
Coworker #2: I think it's A-H.
Coworker #3: No. A-W-W-W.
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM And His Cell Reception Is So Unreliable Down There
Boss: Well, we can't really ask him what he meant 'cause he's in Hell.
330 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Bitch? Bitch? Bitch!
Man on phone: Fuck your ass, bitch! I don't give a shit about you! Try saying something nice to me!
600 New Hampshire Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
3PM My Psyche Is Now Fully Occupied
Coworker #1, returning from vacation: Has something changed in your psyche since I was here last?
Coworker #2: No, I've just been chewing gum recently.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM What Do You Mean by That?
Coworker #1: Why do you keep giving me these?
Coworker #2: It's my way of telling you they're done.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM The New Mantra of the Global Economy
Coworker on phone: Yeah. Unemployed is just un-fun. So, I'm happy with what I got. Even if it rapes me.
Alpharetta, Georgia
12PM How Canada Was Settled
Flight attendant to delayed travelers: Last call for Winnipeg... We still have plenty of seats available. I know there are a lot of canceled flights today. Have you ever considered a trip to Canada?
O'Hare International Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Considered it.
11AM Tobacco Exec: Gentlemen, We Have to Address This Competition
Client: I never smoked a cigarette a day in my life!
Assistant: Well, you're just a regular choirboy!
Client: Smoked a kilo of dope -- didn't see a need for cigarettes!
Real estate office
Texas
10AM Brenda Found Her First ATM Experience Oddly Thrilling
Excited colleague: ... So it came out like diarrhea!
452 5th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM In North Carolina, You Can Get Anything at a Bait and Tackle Shop
Sales guy: I was thinking of going to Bert's Bait and Tackle to get some hot dogs for lunch.
Sales assistant: You buy hot dogs at a bait and tackle store?!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Just the Flax, Ma'am
CSR #1: What are you eating now?
CSR #2: Pumpkin Spice Flax granola bar.
CSR #1: Glass?
CSR #2: No... pumpkin spice flax. You know -- flax seeds.
CSR #1: Wax?!
CSR #2: Ugh... never mind.
CSR #1: You're eating wax?!
CSR #2: Never mind!
CSR #1: Okay, see ya!
12 West Valley Avenue
Elysburg, Pennsylvania
4PM Just Do What I Say, and Don't Ask Questions
Office girl #1: So, when you mail something to Washington, DC, what's the city and what's the state?
Office girl #2: Put DC as the state.
Office girl #1: Does that mean Washington is the city?
Utah
3PM A Whore Gets Paid for It and a Tramp Eats Spaghetti with Dogs
Lady worker bee: C'mon, you know you were skanky before you got married.
Male worker bee: No, I wasn't. I may have been a slut, but not a skank.
Lady worker bee: What's the difference?
Male worker bee: A skank is a slut that doesn't bathe.
4768 Church Road
Platteville, Wisconsin
2PM It'll Be Our Little Secret
Male worker on phone: Yeah, I always think your name is Victoria. I said, I always think your name is Victoria. No, I know that. I still think your name is Victoria.
1166 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Duncan
1PM Mr. Bickford, Lucy Called Me a Paper Clip!
Coworker #1: Do you have a paper clip?
Coworker #2: You're a paper clip!
225 South 6th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
12PM Everyone Knows Encyclopedias Are Just Speculation!
Coworker #1, reading article: 'Morphine is highly addictive...'
Coworker #2: Morphine is not addictive.
Coworker #1: But it says right here in this encyclopedia article--
Coworker #2: --Morphine is not addictive.
All other coworkers: It says right here!
Coworker #2: Morphine is not addictive! I know this for a fact!
Lunch break
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
11AM That's "Socialist" Darwinist
Grunt #1: So, what about the cigarette tax?
Grunt #2: I put 'Yes.'
Grunt #1: Wait, you voted for that? Why? It's like a 300 percent increase!
Grunt #2: Because I'm a social Darwinist! If people are gonna die, I want them to at least give money to the government first.
UC Santa Cruz
California
Overheard by: I think I'm in love
10AM How to Use Gaffer's Tape During a Romantic Encounter
Boss: Can you program this DVD player?
Temp: Um, maybe. I don't know.
Boss: I thought you graduated from film school. What do they teach you there?
Temp: Obviously nothing useful for a later career.
Vienna
Austria
Overheard by: cinekat
9AM The Feral Employee Works for Low Wages, but May Need to Be Housebroken
Student worker #1: Seriously, why?
Student worker #2: Because I was too lazy to go to the bathroom.
Student worker #1: Were you that drunk again?
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: I Hate Student Help
5PM ... I Think
Customer: Hmmm... I want something in a waffle cone.
Salesgirl, holding cone: Okay. What would you like?
Customer: Can you do a chocolate dip with that cone?
Salesgirl: No, it's not strong enough.
Customer: Oh. Well, can you put a small banana split in it?
Salesgirl: Uh, no.
Customer: What about a malt?
Salesgirl: No.
Customer: A milkshake?
Salesgirl: No.
Customer, irritated: Well, what can you do with it?
Salesgirl: I can put yogurt in it.
Frozen yogurt shop
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
4PM Gallery IT Guy: Goggles Are Not Art!
Art director #1: I need a picture of a Doublemint gum wrapper.
Art director #2: Just Google it.
Art director #1: Oh, okay... Hey, they blocked Google!
Art director #2: They didn't block Google! I use it 30 times a day!
Art director #1: G-O-G-G-L-E?
Art director #2: ... That's 'goggle.'
151 West 34th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: risdchic
3PM You're Right about the Cemetary Plots, but Not for the Reason You Think
Bimbette peon: This is my last weekend of being twenty-one! I can't believe I'm so old. I might as well start picking out cemetery plots. I am going to get shit-faced this weekend -- my last weekend of youth! [Old coworker stares blankly.]
Glen Allen, Virginia
Overheard by: Tisk Tisk
2PM Okay, Okay, She Gets the Jizzt.
Contractor: Ma'am, just so you know for the next time we're called in, caulking is not spelled C-O-C-K-I-N-G. It's C-A-U-L-K-I-N-G.
Red-faced manager: Oh!
Retirement home
Oakville, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Giggling
1PM Must've Been Talking about Jellyfish
Visiting sales rep: Wow, that aquarium is really cool! Is it a lot of work?
Desk owner: Thanks. It's not too hard once it's set up for a while.
Visiting sales rep: I've never seen one with all those things with testicles in it before.
Desk owner: [Silence until sales rep obliviously boards elevator.]
75 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: We didn't buy her product.
12PM Are You Now, or Have You Ever Been, the Holiday Inn?
Front desk: XYZ Inn*, Avery* speaking. How may I help you?
Caller: Is this the Holiday Inn?
Front desk: No, it's the XYZ Inn.
Caller: So you're not the Holiday Inn anymore?
Front desk: No!
Caller: Okay.
611 Ocean Street
Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Crystal
11AM I'm Beginning to Think Once a Week Is Not Enough
Panicky mouse user: I have to clean my ball with Isowipes once a week, because it's absolutely filthy!
54 Park Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Al
10AM He Doesn't Have the Range
Queer peon to coworker: Shut your face or I'll shit in your throat!
West 38th Street
New York, New York
9AM Like a Car Jack and a Blanket and... Okay, So I'm Not That Interesting.
Support dude: You find the darnedest things in your trunk when you open it up!
1650 South East Street
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: Greg Short
5PM The Black and White Cat Makeup, Mostly
Old black lady: Why you call your brother 'KISS'?!
Young black woman: Huh?
Old black lady: You know what 'K-I-S-S' stand for?
Young black woman: What?
Old black woman: 'Knights in Satan's Service.' That's right, 'Knights in Satan's Service! Why you call your brother 'KISS'?!
2201 South 10th Street
Ft. Pierce, Florida
Overheard by: Just here to get dialated
4PM I'm Hanging Up Now, Sir.
CSR: Okay, sir, I'm now going to give you your confirmation number: 5-9-7*-M as in 'Michael'-- No, M as in 'Michael.' No, I know your name is not Michael, sir. I'm saying 'M as in Michael.' Okay... 5-9-7-M as in 'mother'-- Sir... Yes, I'm sorry... I'm not saying you're a woman, sir...
999 de Maisonneuve Boulevard
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: Monika
3PM I don't foresee a lot of sudoku success for her.
Office bimbette: So, my friend got me a Sudoku book, but I can't start doing it yet because she has to send the Sudoku pencil. It has an eraser on the end -- only Sudoku makes them that way.
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: Sarah
2PM For the Same Reason Ob/Gyn Is Good at Discharging
Medical assistant trying to make appointment for patient: Tell me something -- why is the Gastrology office always so backed up?
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Mary
1PM Mostly I Use It to Invade Less Fortunate Countries
Worker bee #1: Your car doesn't get very good mileage, does it?
Worker bee #2: Well, it gets 21 on the highway.
Worker bee #1: Do you do any highway driving?
Worker bee #2: No, not really.
Main Street
Spencer, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Paul Skarmeas
12PM In 20 Years, Security Checks and Retinal Scans Will Be Prerequisites for French-Kissing
CSR: I'll need your credit card information before I can let you in at my lady parts.
1745 West Jefferson Avenue
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: looking for my credit card
11AM I Have to Tell You, Though, They Look Pretty Weird in a Three-Piece Suit
Legal eagle #1: What's this little 'C' in a circle next to a year supposed to mean?
Legal eagle #2: That's the year the company that published that got its corporate seal.
Legal eagle #1: Oh, okay.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
10AM Could Real Boobs Do This...?
Cubicle chick: Are your boobs real?
2710 Marvin Road
Olympia, Washington
9AM I'll Have What He's Having
Suit ordering drink: Um, I just really want something that's going to fuck me up.
Exasperated waitress: Honestly, I'm going to fuck you up in a second if you don't order.
13th and U Streets
Washington, DC
5PM Like, What Color Is It?
CSR: Okay, and what's the address?
Customer: 123* A Street.
CSR: Okay, and which street is that on?
Customer: A Street.
CSR: I understand that you live on a street, sir, but I need to know which one.
1001 Roeder Avenue
Bellingham, Washington
4PM Why So Many People in This Country Are Having Bad Sex
Boss: It's like birth -- there's nothing we can do but push.
Sunnyvale, California
Overheard by: Tristan O'Tierney
3PM Yes, You Could Bleed Out, but You Knew the Risks Going In
Manager: You're doing a very good job playing the game 'Stump the Louis*.'
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: It's a pretty easy game
2PM Better Throw in the Bone, Too
Customer: I'll take this sushi and the spicy chicken with brown rice.
Girl at counter: Do you want dark meat or sub with all natural chicken breast?
Customer: I don't know -- it's not for me, it's for a coworker.
Girl at counter: Is it a guy or a girl?
Customer: A guy.
Girl at counter: Just get the dark chicken. He'll never tell the difference.
Customer: He's gay.
Girl at counter: Oh. Then get the white meat.
1303 South Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Pracca
1PM Why We Have to Wear ID Badges at Work
Male peon: Hold on, let me see if I can figure out who that person is. [Puts caller on hold.] Hey, guys, who is Erica*?
Female peon: The girl who worked here all summer.
Male peon: Oh. [Picks up phone.] She went back to school.
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: We work in a very small office...
12PM Needless to Say, She Doesn't Swallow
Lady peon getting help setting up hot dog luncheon: I just don't want to get any wiener juice on me!
11400 West Lake Park Drive
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM It's on the Wait List
Manager: Is Italy a country?
Nashville, Tennessee
10AM Love Me, Love My HMO
Grunt #1: How you doin' today, Paul*?
Grunt #2: Flying. Flying high today.
Grunt #1: Too many pills?
Grunt #2: Yep. They make you pee.
North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
9AM If Katie Holmes Can Turn Scientologist, Anything's Possible
Male peon: You feeling better today, Jim*?
Jim: Yes.
Male peon: Well, you look a lot better. We were worried about you yesterday. You were turning white.
Jim: Yeah, that's not a good sign when you're a black man.
Newport News, Virginia
5PM That Would Explain the Bride and Groom Statues at the Top
Researcher: Is this an accurate archaeological description: 'The site now looks like a four-tier cake'?
Dublin
Ireland
Overheard by: Ragnvaeig
4PM His Agenda Item Turned Out to Be a Hard One, Though
Manager #1, about speaking at staff meeting: Do you want to go first? Mine is pretty long.
Manager #2: Well, mine is really short, so yeah, it'll be easier if I go first.
Route 9
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: biting my lip
3PM North Carolina, the Fugue State
Records tech: I used to have more vacation time before I worked [in this department]! But I guess since I started taking vacations...
Manning Drive
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: seftiri
2PM The Fir Department's Going to Get Sick of Her When She Goes through Menopause
Office girl: I'm on heat... Fire! Fire -- I meant 'fire'! Shut up.
London
England
1PM No, Sorry, I Still Don't Get It
Supervisor: I've always wondered where the 13th floor is.
Employee #1: They just call thirteen 'fourteen.'
Supervisor: I know that. But where is it? Is it just an empty space that the elevator skips?
Employee #2: Yeah, like, is it just completely unfinished and empty on that floor?
Employee #1: No, the 14th floor is actually the 13th floor, they just skip the number 13 because people are afraid of it.
Supervisor, skeptically: Mmmm.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Aaargh
12PM Baby with Plastic Bag on Head: I'm Slowly Asphyxiating, Moms
Nurse: Yeah, and she came in with a bandanna rotting inside her. Her brilliant boyfriend used it as a condom.
Girl #1: Dude! Sperm will soak right through that shit! He should have used a plastic bag or something. Maybe some Saran Wrap and a rubber band.
Girl #2: Seriously! What if she got pregnant?
Girl #1: The baby will come out with a doo-rag on its head, saying, 'Whassup, Moms?!'
Saratoga & Kiely
Overheard by: People are sick
11AM Fortunately, His Wife Got Custody of His Lungs
Smoker #1: Hey, I didn't know you smoked. When did you start smoking?
Smoker #2: About four years ago, right after my wife left me. It gives me something else to do with my hands.
Kokomo, Indiana
10AM Truman Didn't Agree to Share Until the Chinese Forced the Issue
Employee #1: Hey, what's there in your bag?
Employee #2: I've got some Korean salad...
Employee #1: May I--
Employee #2: --Nope, it's only for me.
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: dieting
9AM "The Truth? He Gives Great Foot Massages, but Otherwise..."
Employee: Uhhh, I got a job offer from another company... And I want to quit...
Boss: What?! How much did they offer you?!
Employee: Ummm, two times more than I get here.
Boss: Did you tell them that you're a slacker?
Employee: Nope, but I told 'em that you appreciate my work so much that you wanted to raise my salary two times.
Boss: Bullshit! Give me their phone number and I'll tell them the truth about you! And also, you're fired!
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
5PM He Was Quickly Eliminated from The Price Is Right
Customer: Do you have seven-packs of nuggets?
Cashier: We have eight or twelve.
Customer: Oh, wonderful. I'll take twelve.
Orange City, Florida
Overheard by: laughing
4PM I Got a Girl Named Bony Marrowney/ She's As Skinny As a Stick of Macaroni
Lady cube rat: I like sucking bones.
Male cube rat: I know! I said, 'Come on, Chris, suck that bone!' We all laughed.
Lady cube rat: The marrow is the best part.
1771 North Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I still don't want to know
3PM Getting Killed on Public Transportation Like That
Coworker #1: So, a magnetic train crashed in Germany, killing twenty-three.
Coworker #2: ... Stupid Krauts.
70th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
2PM It's Painted on the Wall
Sales rep: No, we cannot move the piano on the ship... The piano cannot be moved... No, we cannot move it to another room... The piano cannot be moved... What do you not understand? We cannot move the piano!
Chelsea Piers, Pier 6
New York
1PM I'd Be Disbarred If It Came Out That I Could Understand Plain English
Attorney #1: Does anyone know why I can't access my computer's S drive?
Attorney #2: Oh, I know the problem. It's an operator error!
Attorney #1: What does that mean?
Madera, California
Overheard by: Shawn
12PM But an Underling with a Dirty Back Might Be Okay as Well
Surgeon: So, you're dating a nurse... What kind?
PA #1: Beats the hell out of me... I'm just hoping she's a head nurse -- you know, with dirty knees.
PA #2: Awesome.
Hospital
Western Pennsylvania
11AM You'll Prefer Whatever I Pay You to Prefer
Male peon: Well, now we all know you're a ho.
Office girl: I prefer the term 'prostitute.'
Golden Square, London
England
10AM Once He Gets His Teeth into Something, He Will Not Let Go
Secretary #1: What is he doing now at the casino?
Secretary #2: I heard he got a good job as a Pit Bull.
New Jersey
Overheard by: bonbonr
9AM Mr. Ed: Even I Don't Make Mistakes That Dumb
Stable employee: Oh, there's a reason all the horses' names start with the letter Q. It's 'cause we go through the alphabet -- each year gets a different letter -- so this year all the horses get named with the letter Q. So, like, last year was all P names, the year before it was O names, and next year it will be T... No, wait, U... S...? Hang on... P, Q, S, R... R, S -- that's it. Next year they all get R names.
Thebarton, Adelaide
Australia
5PM When Tech Support Fixes Courtney Love's Computer, They Use Clorox and Surgical Masks
Nerdy worker: Well, unfortunately she had rubbed her butt across the floor. Man, it smelled so bad.
Coworker: Oh my god!
Nerdy worker: Yeah, we used some Febreze on it, so it was a little better yesterday.
Highway 280
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Glad I don't work for Stanley Steamer
4PM Upside to Immigration 'Wall': It'll Put an End to Conversations Like This
Office troll #1: Gosh, there were a bunch of Mexicans at lunch today. Where do you think they all came from?
Office troll #2: Mexico.
Dallas, Texas
3PM "Free-Range" Is Also Acceptable
Cube rat #1: My mouse is being such a pain lately.
Cube rat #2: You should get one of those mouses that, y'know, doesn't have a cord. Oh, man, what are those called, again?
Cube rat #1: Um, a cordless mouse?
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: I work with monkeys
2PM He's Had the Crisis Penciled in for Years
Bar patron #1: You gonna have another drink?
Bar patron #2: No, I gotta get home before mid-life.
36th Avenue and Arctic Boulevard
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: thinking it was already too late
1PM And Stop Sending Male Enhancement Spam to Our Printer
Boss: Brandon*, no matter what you think, those pills will not make you grow three inches. Get back to work.
55th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Once You Try a Giant Mutated Rat Sensei, You Never Go Back
Lady peon #1: Have you been following this e-mail chain? Derek* wrote that he was going to send his ninja friends after her, and Karen* wrote back, 'Which ones? Leonardo or Donatello?' Then Derek replied, 'Splinter.'
Lady peon #2: I love Splinter!
Lady peon #1: Yeah, me too. That's what I was going to write back to them.
555 West Monroe Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Yeah, Arnold in That Movie Was Bad Enough
CCA #1: There are so many people here who are pregnant!
CCA #2: Must be something in the water.
CCA #1: Yeah, seems like.
Male supervisor: Man, I hope I don't get pregnant.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
10AM I Had a Really Sore Bone
Designer #1: I couldn't walk for an hour after he finished with me the last time!
Designer #2: Uhhh...
Designer #1: My ankle guy!
Corporate Park Drive
Herndon, Virginia
Overheard by: the other other jen
9AM Might Be Best to Start with the Sunday Through Friday Ones
Caller: I need to know about courses on Saturday.
Bored operator: Which center would you like to go through to?
Caller: Yes, uh, Saturday courses. Nine o'clock 'til five o'clock.
Bored operator: Okay, which department?
Caller: Saturday -- S-A-T--
Bored operator: --Which center? Clapham, Vauxhall, Brixton?
Caller: Uh, no, I want to know about Saturday courses. Saturday courses!
Bored operator: Do you have a contact name? ... I'll just put you through to someone, then. Bye!
College
London
England
5PM Take, Eat: These Are My Tapas
Marketing peon #1: The best tapas I ever had were in Sacramento.
Marketing peon #2: Oh... Uh, you mean, like, the city of?
400 Technology Square
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: valender
4PM I'd Like to Buy a New Policy, and Then Cancel It
Customer: Why did my policy cancel?
Secretary: For non-payment, sir.
Customer: But I never got a bill.
Secretary: You mean, the one you handed me when you walked in with a due date of January 30th*?
Customer: Yes, that bill.
Secretary: It wouldn't have canceled if you had paid this bill, sir.
Customer: Well, I'm not going to renew that policy, then...
Secretary: There is nothing to renew, sir -- it canceled for non-payment!
977 Yadkinville Road
Mocksville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Karen
3PM That Would Explain the Breath, Then
Suit #1: Man, you would stare at anything.
Suit #2, watching someone sweep dirt: Yeah, I'm like a dragon -- highly attracted to small, shiny objects.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: KGB
2PM Ganesh: Oh, Sorry!
Manager: It's rainin' like a cow peein' on a rock.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
1PM We're on Orange Slurpee Alert
Boss: So, I can't take more than one piece of hand luggage on board?
Coworker: That's right.
Boss: And this is all because of 7-11?
Coworker: Ummm, do you mean 9-11?
Kent
England
12PM So What's All the Buzz About?
Coworker #1: He's coming over tonight with that thing you like?
Coworker #2: What?
Coworker #1: You know, that thing you like?
Coworker #2: Girl, that thing got batteries, and that's what he's bringing -- batteries.
500 King Street
Wilmington, Delaware
11AM Another Socially Competent Catholic School Graduate
CSR: I really hate it when customers are named that.
Supervisor: What?
CSR: 'Dick.' [Giggles] Because then I have to say that...
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
10AM Maybe Mix It with Stoli?
Girl at desk: My friend told me about how they paid two grand to freeze the stem cells from her son's umbilical cord so it could save his life or something later.
Guy at desk: Why don't they just have him drink the fluid out of the umbilical cord?
Male coworker: Orrr they could just put the stuff in the freezer.
3111 S. Range Line Road
Joplin, Missouri
9AM I Thought There Were Twelve Inches in a Foot, Not Six
Supervisor: I drew his foot, but it looks like a penis.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
5PM The Solar-Powered Bicycle Project Runs Afoul of the Legal System
Attorney on cell: Okay, okay, you ran into her... Not with the car? Okay, okay...
Albuquerque, New Mexico
4PM No Dumber Than Casting Jamie Lee Curtis As a Young Mother
Customer #1: Do you have Freaky Friday?
Clerk: Yes, we have it on DVD and VHS for rental only.
Customer #1: Okay, I'll take one to buy.
Clerk: We only have it to rent.
Customer #1: Where is the one for sale?
Clerk: We only have it to rent. There are none for sale for that title.
Customer #1: Well, you should have said something in the first place!
Customer #2: Wow... You are really that dumb, huh?
Video store
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Dudette
3PM Insert "How Many Fetishists Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?" Joke Here
Employee #1: How do you like your new office? Is the glare from the lights a problem? If so, I can twist the bulbs like I did in that other office.
Employee #2: That sounds kind of kinky.
Employee #1: Yeah!
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Um. By That I Mean That I Wrote Myself a Reminder to Give You the Information You Requested.
Manager: Oh my god, I swear. You are on my 'To Do' list.
Designer: ... Somebody get HR on the horn.
Route 1 South
West Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: the amazing copywriter
1PM When Alumni Giving Attacks!: Coming Soon to Fox TV
Student on phone: Sir, as a current student at XYZ College*, I know I can talk to you about all the improvements that we've made since you attended.... Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. No... No, I didn't realize you hated XYZ. I will be sure to tell him that... Repeat after you? Sir, please... I promise I'll tell him... Okay, sir, I'll tell him that you said that everyone at this school can fuck themselves and suck your 70-year-old balls... Thank you. You have a good night, too, sir.
515 Loudon Road
Loudonville, New York
Overheard by: trying not to laugh while on the phone
12PM Tonight's Movie: "Jiggling Mousie Dung," an R-Rated Film from China
Male grunt: If my mouse stops working, I'm going to go home.
Female grunt: Well, did you try jiggling it?
Male grunt: Yeah, I jiggled the shit out of it. [Female grunt giggles.]
Foggy Bottom
Washington, DC
11AM Mom: I'm pretty worn out, actually.
Homeboy customer: Yo, gots any mothafuckin' shelves?
Employee: Did he just say what I thought he said? [Coworker nods.]
Homeboy customer: Yo, man! I said, I need some mothafuckin' shelves fo' my mothafuckin' clothes!
Employee, pointing: Yeah, right down that mothafuckin' aisle.
Home repair store
Whitehall, Pennsylvania
10AM So Tonto and I Had the Fish Nuggets
Employee #1: So, we went to Long John Silver's last night for the first time.
Employee #2: Did you bring your horse?
Employee #3: No, that was 'Hi Ho Silver.'
Employee #2: It was?
Preston Avenue
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Still cryin
9AM The Laissez-Faire Kind
Younger peon: Remember those Richard Scarry books with the animals all dressed up in--
Older peon: I haven't read kids' books since the second grade. Seriously.
Younger peon: What, your kids never read children's books? What kind of parent are you?!
150 Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM More Importantly, Where's Her Wallet?
Lawyer #1: Listen to this -- 'The patient's bladder was emptied and transferred back to recovery room in stable condition with no complications.'
Lawyer #2: Where's the rest of her, still in the O.R.?
220 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
4PM Fill It Up with Regular and Check the Tires, Please
Employee #1: May I take your order, please?
Drive-thru customer: I want a Double Whopper, plain -- only cheese and a little mustard.
Employee #1: ... I'm sorry, we don't sell Double Whoppers here.
Customer: Oh, you don't? Okay, let me get just a Whopper, then.
Employee #2: Sir, we don't sell Whoppers. This is Wendy's.
Customer, unfazed: Oh. Okay then.
1066 Independence Boulevard
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: wage slave
3PM They Might Wonder Why You Were Eating Clay
Undergrad: If I shit a brick, what would the geologists think of it?
Men's room, University of Iowa
Iowa
2PM So If You Continue to Be Full of It, You Live Forever?
Suit to others: I guess he had a heart attack, man. He was on the john for two and a half weeks!
East Marginal Way
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: What?!?
1PM A Nighttime Visit by the Spirit of Dave Thomas Ignited His Passion for Fries
Manager: Are the fries ready yet?
Underling: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
Wendy's, Troy-Schenectady Road
Latham, New York
Overheard by: AndyfromLakewood
12PM The Turd Farming Rich Virginians Work in the Capitol
Worker #1: Who's that?
Worker #2: What, the new temp?
Worker #1: Oh. What happened to the other lady?
Worker #2: She was too over-qualified.
Worker #1: What, and the new guy's not? What is his experience?
Worker #2: Well, he was a turd farmer from poor Virginia.
Des Moines, Iowa
11AM "Night Sweats Are the Best Thing Since Dark Side of the Moon!" Raves Rolling Stone
Manager #1: These mood swings are driving me crazy. Everyone in my house is afraid of me. They are all walking on eggshells.
Manager #2: Menopause rocks.
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: cubicle right outside
10AM But Who Doesn't Like Bears?
Customer pays with credit card featuring bear logo.
Employee, very curious: Oh, do you like bears?! [Customer looks quizzical while another employee laughs hysterically.]
Omaha, Nebraska
9AM Together They Will Be Unstoppable
PR lady #1: I have nuts.
PR lady #2: That's great, because I have a penis.
658 Church Street
Richmond, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Louise
5PM Can You Define "Treat"?
Coworker: Treat yourself and your vag -- get a pap.
Austin, Texas
4PM It's All-Natural Stink, Though
Executive secretary: Well, we might be a scent-free workplace, but we are certainly not a stink-free workplace.
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Denise
3PM Differences Between .Net and Java Developers Are Usually Harder to See
.Net developer, finishing a presentation: ... And that's my presentation on .Net custom controls. Any questions about the toggle reader or list controls?
Java developer, bursting at the seams: So it turns out my frat brothers inadvertently stole a human corpse!
Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania
2PM You Should See Me Parallel Park It
Worker bee #1: So, what do you think of my new car?
Worker bee #2: I think it looks like an un-circumcised dick.
Worker bee #1: Are you saying it's a cock wagon?
Worker bee #2: Dude, you couldn't pick up bitches in that.
Corvallis, Oregon
Overheard by: bystander
1PM But She Won't Go Anywhere Near a Carrot
Boss: The thing I love about Fiona* is that you'll offer her a stick and she'll immediately grab the wrong end.
Chislehurst, Kent
England
Overheard by: Bob Cat
12PM Just When I Thought Living in Jersey Couldn't Get Any Crappier
Suit #1: That toilet has been clogged for two days now. Didn't somebody call Property Management to fix it?
Suit #2: Yeah, they were called. Here comes Pete* from Property Management now. Check out the rubber gloves up to his elbows.
Suit #1: Hey, Pete, how's it going?
Pete: Okay, I guess. Same shit, different day.
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
11AM I Transcend Mere Occupational Categories
Loudmouth designer: I am a designer. What are you?
Newbie: I am Hans.
Mitte, Berlin
Germany
Overheard by: smiling writer
10AM Don't Make Me Say It
Office mate: What were you doing in my crotch?!
Office, 42nd Street
New York, New York
9AM Sure Enough, It Says So in the Operating Manual
Tech guy on phone: If it's fixed, it's not working.
South Brunswick, New Jersey
5PM It Wasn't Big Enough for the Two of Them
Agent: ... And I have to go back out there because her husband's not in town this weekend.
Receptionist: Really? Where is he?
Agent: He's out of town!
Receptionist: ... Yeah. Thanks.
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Car Ramrod
4PM Choked on Her Eggs? Worst Menstrual Period in History!
Admin #1: So, Sally* choked on her eggs, and then she said her throat was bleeding and had to leave.
Admin #2: Damn. She chokes on food more than Mama Cass.
Reynoldsburg, Ohio
Overheard by: someone who can swallow
3PM Especially Anything Related to Teledildonics
Boss: Our girl is interested in technology and will pay for it!
79 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Monkee
2PM Heaven Only Knows What May Have Been Scratched
Cube dweller: You sonofabitch, you're getting a goddamn manicure! If you don't, I'm going to rip your goddamn nails off, because you don't deserve them!
Office, Soho
New York, New York
Overheard by: Nervous Co-worker
1PM Geez, Do Dealers Make Fun of Addicts?
Employee, whispering about large customer entering: She'd like an additional chin...
7 Mile Road
Michigan
12PM Boss, Paper Consumption Has Doubled Recently!
Sales guy: Is the old copy machine face-up or face-down?
Office manager: Face... up. No, face-down. Eh, just try it both ways.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM That's Usually More of a Minor, but She's Really Motivated
Veteran student: What are you majoring in?
New student: I'm here for Cox.
Religious university near Cox School of Business
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Engineering Student
10AM Especially If He's the Simon Who Helped Jesus Carry His Cross
Wishful thinking peon on phone: Yes, I can meet with this Simon guy. It's not that Simon from American Idol, is it? Oh? That's too bad... I guess I'll still meet with him, though.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
9AM We've Tried Not Giving You Work. I'm at My Wits' End Here.
Boss: You have to clean your work space. It's a mess.
Worker: The space is clear. It's only my desk that's a mess.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
5PM I'd Hate to See a "Biggie"
Driver: I need to go home. There's been an emergency.
Dispatcher: Oh! What happened?
Driver: Oh, my dad croaked, and I need to get maintenance on my truck. No biggie.
Dispatcher: Uh, okay.
7253 Western Select Drive
Indianapolis, Indiana
4PM And I Have Sworn Statements Attesting to That Fact
Office grunt: I do have a great divide!
9350 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: lonecomic
3PM Well, for One Thing, Tom Brokaw Would Be Pissed!
CEO: I have come up with the solution for the conflict between Israel and Palestine.
Employee: Yeah? What is it?
CEO: The US takes a part of Montana near the Canadian border where no American wants to live and donates it to the Jews. They can all move there and set up their own new Israel there, and all the fighting can stop.
Employee, chuckling, then pausing: ... Wait, are you serious? I don't think that would work.
CEO: Why not?
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: poj
2PM But Do They Justify the Ends?
Employee to another: There's no telling with Farnsworth! There's no rhyme to his means!
Winter Park
Orlando, Florida
1PM The CEO Didn't Realize the Gravity of Mr. Cheney's Warning Until It Was Too Late
CEO to board: This is too complicated for you. The lawyer and myself are like eagles flying high above you. You wouldn't understand.
Board member: Yes, but remember -- we can shoot you down.
4000 Old Seward Highway
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Ataqun
12PM Not Even a Mint on the Seat?
Manager leaving toilet stall, to next person in line: Don't worry -- I didn't leave anything in there.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM Blamestorming Session
Female intern: I'm not sorry.
Male worker: You should be. I missed my deadline.
Female intern: You missed your deadline because you are hungover, like, every day.
Male worker: Compounded by the fact I have to mentor skanks at work!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Blondie
10AM "Your Directory" Is Her Nickname for the Dumpster Out Back
Office manager: Could you save this file somewhere in the system, please?
Receptionist: Where?
Office manager: Well, save it somewhere so that I could find it easily.
Receptionist, when manager leaves: Sure, bitch, I will do it, but don't ask me if you can't find it.
Office manager, returning: Excuse me?
Receptionist: Uh... I just said that I will save it in your directory, ma'am.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: jullylully
9AM We're Very Attached to Old Gloria, with Her Wacky Pink Cord and All Those Friendly Buttons
Coworker: Gloria* is actually the name of the person's phone we're replacing.
727 Elmwood Avenue
Rochester, New York
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