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February 2008 Archives
5PM A Jury of His Peers
Cafeteria employee: What is the name of that guy who wrote The Pelican Brief? He wrote, like, eight books about the law.
Law student: Ummm... Dean Koontz...?
Cafeteria employee: Good one, man! This guy is smart!
600 New Jersey Avenue NW
Washington, DC
4PM It's the Pepsi Degeneration
Assistant: I went to the grocery store this past weekend. Do you know my kids drank five two-liters of Pepsi since then? Three and a half kids drank five bottles of Pepsi.
Sales guy: What'd you do with the other half a kid? ... That must have been awful!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM The Best Parties Result in Both Workers' Comp and EEO Cases
Lady peon #1: Are you going to participate in Lou's retirement party?
Lady peon #2: Yes -- I'm going to jump out of the cake.
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The Quotable Cubicle
2PM What? Glen Calls Them Hot All the Time.
Coworker #1, drinking with group: I've got two kids, a daughter and a son.
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah? I didn't know that. Does Betty* have any kids?
Coworker #3: No. Glen* has kids, though.
Coworker #1: Who?
Coworker #3: You know, Glen -- over there at the table across the room. He has two daughters. They came to the office a couple times. One's about 12, and the other's 15 or something like that.
Top executive: Yeah, and they're pretty hot, too! [All three coworkers silent.] Uhhh... Healthy, I mean. Good kids.
Spirit of Seattle Argosy Cruise Ferry, Lake Union
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Why Can't I Be Deaf?
1PM Last Time I Couldn't Walk for a Week!
Coworker: Did you lube that up? You gotta lube that up.
301 Commerce Street
Fort Worth, Texas
12PM But May Is National Masturbation Month
Lady peon: Having a shower in December is the perfect idea. You're going to get so many sex toys!
Baby goods store
Danbury, Connecticut
Overheard by: This makes my job worth it...
11AM And Right Up Until Then, They'd Had No Idea She Was Retarded
Susan*: What language was that?
Office lady, hanging up phone: Croatian.
Susan: Oh, wow, I didn't know you were black. [Entire office goes silent.]
Boss, from his office: Susan*, you're fired.
Garden City, New York
10AM Dude, Facts Aren't Subject to Consensus
Employee #1, giving presentation: You can't get HIV from urine. Urine is actually sterile.
Employee #2: Blood is sterile!
Employee #1: Ummm, I'm pretty sure it's not.
Employee #2: No, blood is sterile.
Employee #3: How can blood be sterile? What about hepatitis?
Employee #2: Well, I mean, it's sterile to you when it's inside of you.
Employee #1: Okay, everybody, blood is sterile... unless it's full of HIV.
Rancho Cordova, California
9AM I Hear Metallica Is Going to Call Their Next Album "Butterfly"
Male staff #1: Hey, check out that butterfly on the window sill.
Male staff #2: Wow! That's cool. Man, I'm not trying to sound girly, but butterflies are beautiful. I have this bush outside my house that they just love, and it's so cool to watch them.
Male staff #1: Yeah, man, seriously. I'm not going to be covering my car with butterfly stickers, but butterflies do kick ass.
Male staff #2: Totally.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: a butterfly
5PM Frankly, What You Did in There Was Subpar
Male boss: I want you to know that was awesomely wicked!
Female worker, just exiting ladies' room: You can hear what people do in there?
Male boss: No! No... I meant, that e-mail you sent last week.
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Notdaboss
4PM A Modest Proposal
Executive VP: We have to eat our own children before someone else does.
Quarterly review conference call
Virginia
Overheard by: He who has given up eating human flesh, mostly
3PM Someone's Gotta Give Him the Full Lube Service
Nurse: We need you to be here for the duration of your brother's procedure. He should be done in 15 minutes or so.
20-something mechanic: Do I need to be here? [Points at floor.] Or here? [Points at room.] Because that is one flashlight I don't wanna hold!
Proctologist's office
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: but he's taken a shine to you!
2PM Who Could Have Guessed "Good Vibrations" Wouldn't Be the Pinnacle of His Career?
Newbie: Did you know Matt Goldberg used to be a singer?
Employee: Who?
Newbie: Mark Goldberg?
Employee: You mean Mark Wahlberg?
Newbie: Yeah! That's it!
5100 Spectrum Way
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Woulda Been a Lot Easier Just to Say, "Sure, No Prob"
Boss: Hey, can you make a calendar that looks like this? [Hands a paper to her.]
Underling: Yeah. You know this is from [the other agency], right?
Boss: Yeah, the client likes it. We have to go with that.
Underling: But their calendar is a copy of the one I did for the client. The client just handed it to them, and they made all these little changes.
Boss: Yeah, just do it like that.
Underling: But I already did it. They only took my calendar and messed with it.
Boss: Just make it look like this one!
Underling: But it's my calendar!
Boss: Just make it look like this one! [Boss stalks off.]
Underling, to entire office: Am I in a Dilbert cartoon?
3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Geoge Washington Did Perm His Hair before Battle
Know-it-all peon: I swear, every invention in this world was invented for war. Highways, the Internet -- everything! Don't you read?
Lady peon: Okay, Eric*! What about perms? Hot rollers weren't made for war!
Know-it-all peon: Perms aren't inventions.
Lady peon: My ass, they aren't!
Waterloo, Iowa
11AM This Is How #2 Gets His Proofreading Done for Free
Coworker #1: Have you filed your travel voucher for that conference in Indianapolis?
Coworker #2: Yes.
Coworker #1: Let me see your copy so I can fill mine out correctly.
Coworker #2: Here you go.
Coworker #1: Let's see. You used the year '05 instead of '06, did not provide departure/arrival times, omitted your social security number, and didn't total the round trip mileage and mileage reimbursement columns. Thanks.
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
10AM In Reality, Nobody Wins Existential Hockey
Male worker #1, after a meeting: Wanna play hockey?
Female worker: Where's the goal?
Male worker #1: This is existential hockey. There is no goal. You win when you decide you've won.
Female worker: Okay. I've won, then.
Male worker #1: Okay.
Male worker #2: They always win.
Male worker #1: That's true. We can't win. We're really not even playing for the same stakes, are we?
800 California Avenue
Sunnyvale, California
Overheard by: Alan
9AM After Going into Management, Forrest Gump Often Got Depressed
Distraught manager: My William Shatner pictures are gone! What happened to my Shats?! [Sigh] Life is like a box of crap...
720 Executive Park Drive
Greenwood, Indiana
5PM Still, I'd Prefer to Vote Democratic
Designer: It wouldn't have to be like kissing your mom or anything. It could be like chopping your finger off.
860 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
4PM Still Doesn't Explain Your Tutu, Earl
Manager: If man were meant to wear pants, then dogs would wear pants, too.
Kane Hall, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
3PM You're Welcome to Watch the Kitchencam With Me
Manager to secretary: Excuse me, could you please put this in the fridge? I pity the person that tries to drink that... It looks exactly like apple juice, doesn't it? But it's really a urine sample I need to take to the doctor's this afternoon...
Project Drive
Tempe, Arizona
2PM And Drunk People Even More So
Coworker: Well, people are essentially like Slinkies...
Lexington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: loves her job
1PM Hard to Tell, When There Are No New TV Episodes
Patient: What day is today?
Staff: Today is Thursday.
Patient: Hmmm... Is it last Thursday?
Staff: No, it's this Thursday.
Patient: Oh.
Psychiatric hospital
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Another staff member
12PM Dude, Just Pull the Tray Out and Put It in Again
Man, to copier: There is paper in there! Stop being stupid! No, I will not add paper to tray four, I can tell you that right now. I will shoot someone before I add paper to tray four.
Berry College
Rome, Georgia
11AM I Told You That in Confidence
Loud-mouth designer: You had one of those UNICEF kids, adopted it, then ate it.
860 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
10AM The Dishwasher's Just Where I Hide Out When I Get Busy
Young female worker: Oh! Just the lady I wanted to see!
Mature female worker: Hang on! I have to do something and then I'll be in my usual cupboard if you want to see me!
Freshwater Place, Southbank
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Nose E Parker
9AM Why We're All Unhappy With Our ISPs: Explained
Coworker #1: Yo! Can you send me that link again?
Coworker #2: Which one?
Coworker #1: You know, that one you sent me. With the article about the guy from My Chemical Romance.
Coworker #2: You mean Wikipedia?
Coworker #1: Yeah. I wonder what else is on there.
Internet service provider, 110 Symonds Street
Auckland
New Zealand
5PM Yeah, Bears Always Know When It's Time to Eat
Office worker #1: It's four o'clock! [Later] It's four-thirty!
Office worker #2: Thanks, Big Ben.
Office worker #1: [Blank stare.]
Office worker #2: You know what Big Ben is, right?
Office worker #1: Oh, yeah, that old TV show [raises arms and growls like a bear].
Highway 85
Madisonville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
4PM For the Last Time, the University of Delaware Isn't a Jail
Male officer: I've hit women before.
Female coworker: I bet you have.
Male officer: Prisoners. Like this one who tried to scratch me. I told her, 'You're not a cat, and I'm not a post. Now I'm gonna have to change your future.'
Newark, Delaware
3PM After Deciding "Every Man for Himself" Was Sexist
30-ish dude: We're not calling it 'no support.' We're calling it 'free reign.'
Elevator, Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Christin
2PM I'd Write Him a Nasty Note, but My Pen's Out of Ink
Office guy #1: Apparently we can't have mechanical pencils anymore.
Office guy #2: Dammit! That supply czar is drunk with power.
1255 23rd Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Kristen
1PM For the Record, I Call My Vibrator "The Bird"
Supervisor: I think my bird is dying. What should I do?
Coworker #1: Put it in a bag and tie it to your car exhaust.
Coworker #2: Put it in the freezer.
Coworker #3: Put in a bag and whack it.
Supervisor: You people scare me... Go back to work.
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Thanks, Sweetie, but a Juice Box Isn't the Same Thing at All
Teacher running in, glancing around wildly: Anyone got a lighter?
Preschool
Denver, Colorado
11AM Southern Charm, Encapsulated
Worker on phone: Yes, ma'am, we'll get you what you need right away... Well, thank you, Linda*. We enjoy your business. You're one of my favorite customers. Without you our company would suffer a tremendous loss. Okay... Thank you. [Hangs up.] Bitch.
7501 NE Loop 820
Texas
Overheard by: lmao
10AM Lenny and Carl Finally Confront the Race Issue
White coworker, with food in mouth: Are you going upstairs?
Black coworker: I'm sorry, what? I don't speak cracker. [White coworker gasps.] I didn't mean it like that. I just meant you had a cracker in your mouth!
White coworker: Sure you did!
D Street SW
Washington, DC
9AM Four-Minute Sex Changes Are the Wave of the Future
Programmer returning from extended bathroom break: You know, I don't want to include too much information, but my pants fit much better now.
1900 Richmond Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: The Surly Programmer
5PM Would You Settle for Nutter Butters?
Cube rat exiting front door: I'm going out. Can I bring back anything for anybody?
Voice from back of room: Johnny Depp.
Cube rat, disgustedly: Oh, nice, but I meant bring back anything to eat.
Different voice from back of room: Johnny Depp on a cracker.
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
4PM Things Go in There and Are Never Seen Again
Worker #1: Well, you'll need to just put it in Lucy's* box.
Worker #2: True... Is she here today?
Worker #1: Yes. Just go up to her office and put it in her box or ask her where else she wants it.
Worker #2: Her box is always so full! But I'll dig around and find some room.
Bloomington, Indiana
3PM Guess I'll Let the Matter Drop, Then
IT intern: Hey, I read your article. I liked it.
Reporter: Um... Which one?
IT intern: Ummm, I don't know. I was in the bathroom.
101 North 2nd Street
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Andréa Cecil
2PM I Think I Know What We'll Be Serving at Your Farewell Party
Manager: You going to an interview or something?
Sales dude: Yeah. Like my tie?
Manager: It looks like whipped cream on a turd. Good luck.
1 Thomas Drive
Westbrook, Maine
1PM You Can't Teach If Your Liberal Credentials Get Revoked
Professor: Yeah, my daughter's having a slumber party tonight. She invited eight girls, but one of them can't come because she's a Jew.
Grad student: Oh...
Professor: I mean, because there's a Jewish holiday this weekend she has to observe.
Grad student: Oh, okay. Not because you don't allow them in your home...
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
12PM Is He Related at All to Barbara Seville?
Cube dweller #1: She looks like the bride of Frankenstein.
Cube dweller #2: Who's Brian Frankenstein?
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: head:desk
11AM But Your Hand on My Ass? Not So Much.
Creative director: Okay, well... just... put it on the back burner for now. And maybe it will go away.
Art director: I like where your head is at.
Ad agency
Hudson Valley, New York
Overheard by: Staci Lynn
10AM But That's "Mom" to You, Buddy
Manager, just after he finishes dialing phone: I'm calling ol' big tits.
Female voice: Uh, hello?
Manager: Oh... Hi. Who is this?
Female voice, angrily: This is 'big tits,' apparently.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM And I'm Definitely Hungover after That
Female peon to another: My roommate wants me to do laundry, but I don't know when I can do it. I'm too hung over on Saturday morning, and I have Bible study Sunday morning.
Studio City, California
5PM I'm an Expert on Shady Mail-Order-Bride Businesses
Coworker: Have you been to Foreign Brides* dot com? This is what they do -- they send you a picture and string you on. Then they say they need a thousand dollars for a flight. I didn't send it, because I knew! I knew this was a scam.
8 Cambridge Center
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Kids Do the Darndest Things, Huh?
Customer, excitedly: Yeah, if I do exactly as the judge says, I'll be off of probation in a year!
Old cashier: In a year? Lucky you! My son has four years of probation.
Customer: Four years? Man, that's tough. What did he do?
Old cashier: He shot someone! [Breaks into hysterical laughter along with the customer.]
South Adams Street
Marion, Indiana
Overheard by: Just wanted to pay for my groceries
3PM Hey, This Actually Is Fun!
Voice on phone: Hi. I just wanted to ask if you're open today?
Employee: No, we're not. I just thought it would be fun to come over here on my free day. That it?
Voice on phone: ... Well, that was rude [hangs up].
Cell phone store
Kansas City, Missouri
2PM We'd Have to Ask Tyra Banks's Photographers about That
Office hottie: I don't know how easy it is to Photoshop arm fat into muscle.
Newtown Square, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Boner Police
1PM ... Anymore
Office chick #1: Don't squeeze it! All the goo will come out!
Office chick #2, playing with stress ball: Why, what happened?
Office chick #1: I got a little too excited and squeezed it until it popped... That's why I don't hold babies...
Arlington, Virginia
12PM Reader Poll: Would You Climb Under Your Desk for Your Favorite Pen?
Client: She said she was looking for a pen.
Attorney: And the pen was under her desk?
Client: Yes, and she's a pack rat, and everything in the world is under her desk...
Attorney: And she got stuck that way?
Client: Yes, and we had to call security so they could drag her out by her ankles...
Attorney: I hope that was a really nice pen.
Kern County Superior Court
Bakersfield, California
Overheard by: Frazzled lawyer
11AM Leadership Is Having Him Ask for Seconds
Project lead: It's like making a vegetarian eat a hamster.
Burton Drive
Santa Clara, California
Overheard by: Rob
10AM Tonight's Movie: When Hairy Met Silly
New hire: They finally mopped the floor by my desk.
Boss lady: Did they wax your area, too?
728 State Street
Madison, Wisconsin
9AM Project Cat People Hits an Ethical Snag
Lab worker #1: Murder only applies to humans. It's a term specific to us.
Lab worker #2: You can't 'murder' a dream?
Lab worker #1: You can't murder baby cows.
Lab worker #2: What about cats?
Lab worker #1: No. Cats can't be murdered... Unless they?re half-cat, half-person.
Lab worker #2: Then it's half murder.
Lab worker #1: Even if it's premeditated, it's knocked back to manslaughter. That?s probably why the cat people think we're biased against them, but really it's just that the legal system wasn?t set up with them in mind. [Silence.] I've thought about this a lot.
Durham, North Carolina
5PM I'll Just Let Myself Out. Again.
Employer: Unfortunately, you're not bond-able for hire because you have a felony from 2003.
Interviewee: I do? What for?
Employer: It seems it was for a parole violation.
Interviewee: Those are felonies?
Coralville, Iowa
Overheard by: Meg
4PM Not the First Song Inspired by Porky Pig
Singing employee: Oooh, baaacon weaver! I believe we can reach the morning light!
Kane Hall, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
3PM If You Die, I'm Docking Your Pay
Manager: Oh, oh! Are you coughing?
Gagging cube rat: No... I'm... Choking...
Manager, walking on: Oh, good, I thought you were getting sick, too.
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM So He's Open about Sleeping with Other Boys
Server admin: He's Catholic, isn't he?
Developer: Nah, he's just gay.
State and Water Street
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
1PM Great! See You As Soon As I Remove My Sopping Tampon
Lady peon: Hey, wanna get a beer after work?
Male peon: Yeah, right after I unleash hellfire on my toilet bowl...
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: I love where I work!!
12PM Without Warning, My Metaphor Turned on Me
Worker #1: Well, yeah, I was hoping to spend more time with Stan* in the future.
Worker #2, soon to go overseas: Yeah, you can fill the gaping hole in his life when I leave.
Worker #1: I thought we could fill each other's gaping holes.
Worker #2: Argh!
162 Goulburn Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Warlach
11AM Sir, I Assure You They're Better Than the Dress
Boss: I hate these inappropriate pants!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM Now She Was a Secular Humanist with Balls
Professor, about his mother: ... And I told her, 'Maybe you're going to hell.' To her credit, she laughed. And then she died.
Emerson College
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: omateido
9AM Just Wait 'Til He Learns about Subtraction
Suit: Hey, which button is the hyphen? [Peon disappointedly points to hyphen key.] Oh, I thought that was called a 'dash.'
Mortgage company
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Baffled how he gets paid four times as much as i do
5PM And Now She's Rounding Down
Male banker on phone: He cheated on her and she took him back. Now I think she might dump him, which is really funny because, you know, he's got everything, and she's just so... average!
54th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: not-nearly -as-shallow female banker
4PM It's Why I Get the Big Bucks
HR woman: Oh, I love passing the buck. Passing the buck is my middle name.
Internet company
Pasadena, California
3PM I Need to Live a Life Where This Is "Only"
Guy on smoke break: ... And when he came home, he only had, like, eight hundred bucks in his wallet -- something like that.
St. Paul, Minnesota
2PM Come Find Out for Yourself / Give It a Few Swings / Take a Few Whacks Yourself
New analyst to managing director, about golf club: Hey, is your shaft stiff?
51 West 52nd Street
New York, New York
1PM Actually, They're Navajos / Zunis / Cherokees/ Etc.
Diversity committee meeting leader: What's the makeup of the Long Island office?
Voice on speakerphone: Two Jewish, one black, and two American.
Meeting attendee: I think she means WASP.
350 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM Well, That Depends If You Ever Considered Him Alive
Colleague: You know why George Bush Sr. died? [Others look at one another, then laugh.] ... Isn't he dead?!
Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: JS
11AM So Jenna Jameson's Baptizing My Kid Tonight
Employee to IT: So, I have to get my kid baptized, and I've been search the web all day. I find this site that says 'Weddings and baptisms,' so I open it up and -- you guessed it -- porn!
20800 Harvard Road
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM The Boss-Lady's Mistake Was Referring to Workers as "Peons"
Coworker #1, at nine AM: Is it time to go home yet?
Coworker #2: Not quite! Why, not feeling well?
Coworker #1: Was at a friend's house last night -- mixed rum and wine. It's gonna be a long day... Think the boss lady will let us go home early?
Coworker #2: Don't think so. Just drink a glass of water; you'll be fine.
Coworker #1: Maybe if I pee in my office, she'll let me go home.
Coworker #2: But I don't think she'll let you come back...
Kenmount Road
St. John's, Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: Summer Temp
9AM They Answer Only to God
White female coworker, about guy holding exotic bird: That's one of those talking birds.
Hispanic female coworker: Yeah, I've seen those before.
White female coworker: They can talk, but you can't hold a conversation with them. They're not that smart. They can't answer when you ask them a question.
Hispanic female coworker: Uh-huh.
633 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Appalled
5PM He Likes to Be on Top
Cube rat: Are you threatening my life?!
Female drone: No! I am threatening your position in this office!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
4PM But Can You Manage It?
Boss, interrupting serious discussion on Risk Management: I'm feeling frisky!
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM At Dr. Moreau's Veterinary Clinic
Vet on phone: He's a little groggy now, but he should be one-eyed and bushy-tailed tomorrow morning.
Route 5
Norwich, Vermont
Overheard by: has two-eyed cats
2PM Infected?
Employee to another: She always gets like that... when she cheats on him...
56 Haddon Avenue
Haddonfield, New Jersey
1PM You'd Think People Wouldn't Be Like That in Mechanicsville
VP on phone: Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am, it's nine inches by five inches, or something like that...
Mechanicsville, Virginia
Overheard by: Alan
12PM But the Hottest One of Those in the Office
Biotech peon: Someone should tell her that dress makes her look like a 90-year-old Hawaiian woman. A blind, drunk 90-year-old Hawaiian woman.
York Road
Elmhurst, Illinois
11AM Or Mighty Mouse
Sales guy: The best place to call for help is Support.
301 Rockrimmon Boulevard
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: Mystified
10AM She Hasn't Recovered from the "Poulet de Spam" Incident
Ghetto-fab girl: Hey, is your chicken made with real chicken?
Employee: Uh... yes?
Ghetto-fab girl: Like, it's made with the real chicken that lays eggs and stuff like that?
Employee: Yes, ma'am. The chicken is made with real, egg-laying chicken.
Food court, Westfield West County Mall
Des Peres, Missouri
9AM Gotta Pray to Play
Female peon #1: It's so hard to go out, never mind find a new guy. My ex and I both grew up in Randolph, so we know everyone. I can't go anywhere without him or his friends being there.
Female peon #2: You should come to The Jug with me. I know plenty of guys your age.
Boss: You want to meet guys in a bar? You should get a nice guy from church.
Female peon #2: Are you suggesting that we work the church?
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
5PM "Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Punch-out," by Joe the Cashier
Cashier: My nephew started swearing up a storm at me, and I almost punched him. Then he started saying, 'Uno, dos, tres,' and I realized it was Spanish he learned from Dora. Damn, I almost punched him, because I didn't know what he was sayin'. I also hate those kids that used to run into the store when they saw those Barney footprints by the door... I used to want to punch them, too.
205 East Lincoln Way
Ames, Iowa
Overheard by: Not a Kid Fan, but not a Kid Puncher, either
4PM You Oughta See the Line at the ATM
Clerk #1: Oh, no, not again!
Clerk #2: What?
Clerk #1: This register! It keeps going down on me!
Gilroy, California
Overheard by: I didn't know they had that feature
3PM Like the One Your Parents Should Have Used
Woman: Hand me one of those magazines.
Man: Gourmet?
Woman: No.
Man: Newsweek?
Woman: No.
Man: Time?
Woman: No. [Looks at kids' table.] What about that table over there?
Man: Well, there's Highlights...
Woman: Okay, grab those. [Begins working on puzzles.] What's hollow -- a lute, a sponge, or a jar?
Man: Lute.
Woman: No, sponge.
Man: You can't see through a sponge.
Teen nearby: Can't see through a wall, either, and it's hollow.
Man: True. Got a point there. Must be a sponge.
Woman: Okay, it's a sponge.
Waiting area, Forensic and Mental Health Services
Hamilton, Ohio
Overheard by: Kim
2PM Why Bisexual Women Become Exclusively Lesbian
Female finance analyst: ... And it's all about titties and beer. [In squeaky little voice] Titties! Titties! Titties!
700 West Capitol Avenue
Little Rock, Arkansas
1PM Still, If We Make Him a VP, He Can Delegate the Pants Project to a Subordinate
Coworker on phone: I wouldn't put that guy in charge of his own pants.
516 High Street
Maitland, NSW
Australia
Overheard by: Squigley
12PM He Just Doesn't Understand
Employee #1: I can't believe I spent four hours working on my lawn over the weekend!
Employee #2: Yeah, it seems like most people don't understand that a beautiful lawn doesn't grow on trees.
Employee #1: [Stares silently.]
Employee #2: It doesn't, y'know.
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Bryan
11AM We Are the Police Department, So I'm Guessing Somebody Does
Worker: Hey, it's Friday! You should go drink something in the lounge before you leave. Almost everyone's in a meeting. I've already had two beers.
Intern: Haha, um... I'm actually underage.
Worker: Oh, who cares?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: not in meeting
10AM You Have That Nightmare, Too? I Thought I Was Alone!
Writer: It sounds like my worst nightmare. Isn't it just Samuel L. Jackson yelling at people for two hours? Nope, I'm not seeing that.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
9AM Aw, Just Kidding! It's for the Homecoming Dance! Go Rams!
Director: I'd like to announce that Albert*, our intern for the summer, is leaving to go back to school. His last day will be Friday. We are going to miss you here! [Team claps.]
Intern: Um, actually, I've decided not to go back to school. I'm moving to Israel.
Manager: Why are you moving to Israel? It's not exactly a safe place to be right now.
Intern: I feel that I need to go and support my people.
Manager: But you're not Jewish. You're Russian.
Intern: Yes, I am Russian, and I am also Jewish. That's what this yarmulke is for [points to head.]
11th Street and Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: i can't believe i work here
5PM It's Ludacris's / Moby's / O. Henry's Birthday, Haters!
Colleague on cell: Haha! Oh, yeah, we could use that to celebrate September eleventh!
Government office
Wellington
New Zealand
4PM Yes. Yes You Am.
Office grunt on cell: Yesterday I couldn't even spell 'truck driver,' and today I are one!
175 Hutchinson Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Hates Walkie-Talkie Cell Phones
3PM No, It's Only If You Do It with the Students
Teacher: It's not like you go out in nature and see plants, like, getting it on. [Class laughs.] I don't know if I'm allowed to say that at school...
Covington, Louisiana
Overheard by: Erica
2PM But Will They Let Me Keep the Foil-wrapped Cucumber in My Crotch?
Peon #1: Did you hear they're thinking about banning all gel-enhanced bras on airplanes?
Peon #2: Women wear gel in their bras?
Peon #1: It's like padding, but gel, which gives it a more natural enhancement and feel.
Peon #2: That's false advertising!
Nova Scotia
Canadia
1PM When to Call the Police beforehand, Just in Case
Suit: I want to take a personal day on Friday.
Boss: Okay, no problem. What are you doing on your day off?
Suit: I'm not telling you -- it's a personal day!
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
12PM Which Is, Like, Three Ethiopians, at Least
Editor: I really like Ethiopian food.
Publisher: Melanie* gained 10 pounds when she was in Africa.
Sparks Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Because of Cocaine-Induced Constipation?
20-ish female coworker: I've never understood why people do lines of coke off of toilet seats at clubs.
Middle-aged male coworker: Well, it's not as wet as the sink...
20-ish female coworker: But isn't that dirty?
Middle-aged male coworker: No one ever poops at a club.
1054 31st Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I prefer a table
10AM Why Won't He Just F-ing Tell Her?
Worker bee #1: What's the name of that movie with Samuel L. Jackson and the snakes on a plane?
Worker bee #2: Snakes on a Plane.
Worker bee #1: Yeah -- what's the name of it?
Worker bee #2: [Sighs.]
Hospital
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Andy
9AM Those Team-Building Exercises Are Really Paying Off
Editor-in-chief to opinion editor: Liberal and short. If I had to describe you in two words, that'd be it. Well, only if I couldn't use the word 'bitch.'
Newsroom, Oklahoma State University-Stillwater
Stillwater, Oklahoma
Overheard by: The Opinionator
5PM Unfortunately, We Frequent the Same Strip Clubs
Guy on speakerphone: How was your weekend?
VP: Good. How was yours?
Guy on speakerphone: Oh, you know -- same old, same old... Just spent it trying to avoid my wife.
5690 DTC Boulevard
Greenwood Village, Colorado
4PM I Can Think of at Least a Couple More Ways He Could Make It Special
Customer: Do you have any raspberry tea?
Server: No.
Customer: Do you have any special flavored teas?
Server: I guess that depends on if you think sweetened is special.
3026 Richmond Road
Williamsburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Tired of the Service Industry
3PM But I Still Could Only Get Half-way In
Mechanic: Did you put lube in it?
Customer: I put all the lube in she would take.
1301 Highway 501 East
Conway, South Carolina
2PM Tech Support Is Now a 976- Number
Male coworker: Yeah, mine keeps flopping down... I'm talking about my computer, by the way...
Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Jewels
1PM Why the Frolicking Class is Always Booked
Gym employee: I have so much energy! I just want to frolic around naked!
1400 East 6th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: dana
12PM Explain "Important"
Assistant VP: This is an important question I need to ask: Is Britney Spears pregnant again?
Office manager: Uh, yeah.
Assistant VP: Oh, okay. I can't tell if she just stayed fat after the last one or is pregnant again.
149 West 105th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Last Day on the Job
11AM And Even All through His Funeral
Admin on cell: He has to see a urologist -- the Viagra didn't work... The fucking clinic told him to get herbal supplements at Wal-Mart, and it worked. He was a squirting flagpole for hours!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hallwalker
10AM Aren't Shaved Cats Hypoallergenic?
Woman peon: David* always reminds me of Dr. Evil.
Man peon: Just because he is bald?
Woman peon: Well, his newborn son has no hair, either, and looks just like him. It's just like Mini-Me. All he needs is a shaved cat.
Man peon: I never understood the shaved cat thing. What's up with a shaved cat? Do you shave your cat?
Woman peon: No, I don't have a cat. I have allergies.
Man peon: Really?
Landings Drive
Mountain View, California
9AM It's Not Mono, I'm Just Tired
Assistant manager: So, you went with the monochromatic look today, huh?
CSR: Nah, man, this is olive.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Steph
5PM Wants to Be the Gay Talking Car
Peon #1: You know what TV show I'd really like to be on?
Peon #2: Knight Rider?
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: still laughing
4PM Even Zoophiles Have Relationship Issues
Male worker on phone: What? Was it my fault? I'm sorry, I said the wrong thing... So she's still in heat?
11th Avenue
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Needs a new desk soon
3PM She Gets "Audited" Regularly
Woman: I approach the whole situation with airplanes like I do the IRS -- I just bend over and submit.
2211 47th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM The Minnesota Twins? Couldn't Hurt.
Designer: ... And we still have to buy legs for the twins.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
1PM Vanilla Ice Encounters Difficulties on His Comeback Tour
Composition runner: I spilled milkshake in my pants today.
225 Varick Street
New York, New York
12PM In Their Day, They Were a Hot Couple
Elderly female customer: I do miss my husband, you know? I had to have him cremated after he fell out of bed.
London
England
Overheard by: Badger
11AM Were You Planning to Come Back for Your Baby, Then?
Beer store employee: Can I help you to your car with that?
Middle-aged customer: I'm a woman. I gave birth. I can carry a case of beer.
Verona, Pennsylvania
10AM You've Been Living in a Dream World, Neo
Technical lead: See, I can't do anything here in Version Three.
System admin: That's because you're not connected to the universe.
Technical lead: But the copy of the good universe didn't point to us!
System admin: What universe are you guys operating in?
IT intern: Depends on what we're smoking.
12900 Worldgate Drive
Herndon, Virginia
Overheard by: IT Consulting Stooge #4769
9AM Seems to Have Misunderstood Geena Davis's Role in Cutthroat Island
PR agent: He's greedy, and he's a pirate, and he's a whore.
350 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: editorial intern/slave
5PM Couldn't I Just Use a Quill and Parchment?
Paralegal in training: Help me! The text that I am typing is replacing the text that is already there!
Patient coworker: Um... Hit the 'Insert' key.
Paralegal in training: ... Where on the screen do I click that?!
San Francisco, California
4PM "Sounds of Silence"?
Coworker #1: I can't believe you're singing.
Coworker #2: I always sing.
Coworker #1: Yeah, but the owner of the company is standing right over there!
Coworker #2: Why? Does she have a request?
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
3PM Completely Missed the Point of the Workplace Violence Training
Coworker #1, wielding a letter opener: C'mon, it isn't that sharp.
Coworker #2: Still, in a fist-fight I'd pick it over bare fists.
Coworker #1, making a stabbing motion: Yeah!
3550 North University Avenue
Provo, Utah
Overheard by: Ambiguous Antecedent
2PM Oh, I've Got Something Hard You Can Suck On. A Lemon Drop. What?
Queer employee: Don't we have any hard candy to suck on?
5200 Blue Lagoon Drive
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Lizzo
1PM They're Like the Chinese Food of Eaters -- An Hour Later, They're Hungry Again
Important European suit: It's like feeding Ethiopians -- there's never going to be enough food.
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: And I Thought I Was Offensive . . .
12PM Methinks the Dumbass Doth Protest Too Much
Coworker: I sound like such a dumbass, but I swear I'm not!
1400 Penn Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM It's Never Been Grounded, Helps Old Ladies across the Street...
Customer: What's the lunch special?
Waitress: The Reuben -- it's very good... Of course, I haven't had it before...
624 Ludington Street
Escanaba, Michigan
Overheard by: Huh!?!
10AM At Least He'd Support You
Designer #1: Ew.
Designer #2: What?
Designer #1: You know on my profile how I said I'd marry my bike if I could? I got an e-mail from a guy who says, 'If you ever marry your bike, I want to be the seat.'
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
9AM The Advice They Should Give in Sex Ed
Employee on phone: You have to lubricate. You can't just shove it in there. This is a moving thing -- you have to take care of it.
270 Park Avenue
Huntington, New York
5PM Sorry, I Got a Light-Duty Slip from My Doctor
Clerk: You got time to whip this big one out?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
4PM Freakin' by the Deli Case
Cashier: No, seriously, guys -- I think this place would be so much more lively if every Friday night we had a store-wide dance-off... Just think -- disco in the produce department. Swing in the bakery. Riverdance on the booze aisle.
Grocery store
Columbia, South Carolina
3PM Kristin Scott Thomas Has Come to Enjoy These Phone Calls
Coworker on phone: So, how big are your tits now?!
MoPac Expressway and Braker Lane
Austin, Texas
2PM Epistemology at the Monsanto Broccoli Plant
Employee #1: So we don't sell insurance! What's hard to understand about that?
Employee #2: I don't know. It's like, 'Don't yell at the broccoli plant for not growing carrots.'
2145 Riverside Drive
Macon, Georgia
Overheard by: not an insurance salesman
1PM My True Self Turned Out to Be a Guy Named "Jingles"
Boss: There are many people who are much more like me than I am.
2560 9th Street
Berkeley, California
Overheard by: anonymous coward
12PM Really, Any Warm Liquid Will Do
Employee, gasping: It's that huge?
Supervisor: Yeah... But once you add water, it comes right off.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM Certainly, Sir. Will There Be Anything Else?
Superior, after staring at his computer screen for 10 minutes: Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit!
North Division Street
Peekskill, New York
10AM It's Just Trying to Tell You It Thinks You're Pretty
Salesperson: I'm having problems with my unit.
Accountant: What?
Salesperson: Yeah. When I put it in my ear, it whistles.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
9AM This Will Only Confuse the President
Colleague: So, there is a good reason to suggest that Al-Quieda are Gerry Anderson fans.
England
Overheard by: SpaceBee
5PM 10 Print "Rock On!" 20 GOTO 10
Office girl: So, are you psyching yourself up to play the show tonight?
Office guy: Um, if by 'psyching' you mean 'writing code,' then yes, I am.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Naomi
4PM Stop Undressing Me with Your Eyes!
Sexual harassment awareness instructor: Now, class, who can tell me what percentage of sexual harassment is intended?
Class: [Silence.]
Sexual harassment awareness instructor: Only 10percent! Ninety percent is unintentional. Now listen, class -- most people aren't doing it intentionally. The majority of people aren't in that 10 percent group. The majority of people are in that 90 percent group.
Class: [Silence.]
Airdustrial Way
Tumwater, Washington
Overheard by: In the 10% group
3PM What Kind of Girl Do You Think I Am?
Male peon eating peanuts, to lady peon: Do you mind if I put my nut dust in your can?
South Carolina
Overheard by: peachy girl
2PM Translation: 'God, I'm So Lonely!'
IT slave: I returned the config to default, but the site still doesn't work. Must be something else.
Developer: Nuke the site from orbit?
IT slave: Did that, too, but it turns out the queen alien was still clinging to the belly of the drop ship.
411 1st Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
1PM Less Water
Male peon speaking slowly on phone: I think I am suffering from dehydration. It's so hot. I can't handle this. I need to see the doctor. I've been drinking water. Lots of water. And whiskey. Is there something I need to do different?
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
12PM What about Pineapples?
Employee #1: Alright, so I could say, 'One thousand, one hundred twenty-five -- the average number of apples on a tree.'
Employee #2: Hey, wait, no -- that's not right. It's too many.
Employee #1: Well, can you prove it? You would have to count every apple on every tree in the world.
Employee #2: No, I'd just count out of a hundred apple trees and get an average from that.
Employee #1: But that'd be an incomplete average, and I said 'every tree,' so you'd have to count, like, pine trees and...
Employee #2: There are no apples on pine trees!
Mapleview Drive
Barrie, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: fellow bewildered worker-bee
11AM Tonight's Special is Medallions of Flaming Liberal on Toast Points
Bimbette: I'm not a flaming liberal. I think you should be able to kill any animal you want... and eat it, too!
135 Baltimore Street
Hanover, Pennsylvania
10AM Talk to the Administrator
Photographer: Anyone have a top hat in the building? How about a riding crop? If you do, please let me know. I won't tell anyone.
508 Young Street
Dallas, Texas
9AM Everybody Feels That Way about Dr. Phil
Peon: I don't know... It just seems like kind of a waste of Jell-O.
1 Athenaeum Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
5PM Wolverine Has Trouble Connecting with Non-Mutants
Manager #1: I don't understand why they didn't process these taxes... Hey, do you ever find your fingers swell and contract, like, every day? A lot?
Manager #2: No.
277 Front Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM She Prefers "Slut Trousers"
Female personnel supervisor: How's it goin', sexy britches?
Female employee, staring before laughing: They're just jeans...
Female personnel supervisor: You better not report me to HR for that.
Female employee: Only if you promise to never combine those two words again. Ever.
Research Boulevard
Maryland
Overheard by: Baggy Trousers
3PM It Happens in Every Hostile Takeover
CEO discussing a potential partner: I think they're more pregnant with us than they'd care to admit.
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
2PM "U" as in "Not Me"...
Tech support: May I have your name, ma'am?
Customer: Erin Quincey*.
Tech support: And how do you spell that?
Customer: Q, as in 'cute'...
6615 Ayala Avenue
Makati City
Philippines
1PM They Don't Get Tender All by Themselves
Female go-getter: Well, I just went ahead and did it since you guys were just sitting on your loins.
3201 West Commercial Boulevard
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: you really are disgusting
12PM Those Who Can't Do, Teach
Boss's 80-year-old dad: I don't think I am going to keep my realtor's license.
Boss's 80-year-old mom: Okay... Then what are you going to do?
Boss's 80-year-old dad: I'll become a sex therapist!
126 York Street
Elmhurst, Illinois
Overheard by: Joanie
11AM Slightly More Than Schindler's List
Office lady #1: Should I rent Transamerica? I heard it was a comedy. I'm worried about handling the whole sex change thing. How can that be funny?
Office lady #2: I recommend it, but it's about a personal journey -- it's not a comedy.
Office lady #1: Is it funny?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
10AM It's the Latest Craze
Asian employee: Why is everyone Asian?!
Chinatown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Murray
9AM Should We Ask Him to Bring Us Down a Donut?
Peon #1: Who's that old guy walking around?
Peon #2: Hopefully it's Death and he's going upstairs for Larry*.
Amherst, Ohio
5PM Hurricane Katrina Led the Caller to Believe Otherwise
Electronics employee on phone: You're supposed to call 911 in case of emergencies, not Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart Supercenter
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Mike
4PM An Untapped Market If Ever I've Seen One
IT guy: So, are you using straight AutoCAD?
Employee: As opposed to the homosexual one?
41 East 11th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: nex0s
3PM It's Russian, and Omigod You Have to Try the Mink Carcass!
Designer: If you want to save money on groceries, go to the ghetto and go to their Safeway. Their prices are cheaper. Or go to their discount grocery store. It's even cheaper, but most of the signs are in Spanish or some other language I don't speak. And you can find some of the weirdest food!
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
2PM The Hazards of the Octopus Calendar
Female supervisor: Ewww!
CCR: What?
Female supervisor: I was trying to find January, and I got ink all over me!
1 Ivybrook Boulevard
Ivyland, Pennsylvania
1PM At the TMI Olympics
Uber-friendly coworker: Do you ever find that your asshole hurts after you sneeze?
101st Street and Jasper Avenue
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
12PM When Your Computer-Repair Manual Is Double, Double Toil and Troubleshooting
Cube dweller: Bring the orange juice and champagne to a boil, and then you just slip the fish in...
Chantilly, Virginia
11AM And Next Time, Don't Leave Your Science Fair Projects to the Last Minute
Cube rat on phone: Well, spray Garrett*, have him walk around for a while, and see if he comes back smelling the same.
Highway 69 South
Monroe, Wisconsin
10AM ... Gorgeous Food-Carrier Lady
Biotechy waitress: It is really nice having dishwasher boy here.
Polite waitress: He has a name! His name is Rick*!
Biotechy waitress, to Rick: Do you mind if I call you 'dishwasher boy'?
Dishwasher boy: No! It means I have a job title!
931 Redd Road
El Paso, Texas
9AM Whatever, Mister "I Believe in Santa"
Stylist: Do you like your haircut, buddy?
Little boy: [Silence.]
Stylist: Do you know who would like your haircut? SpongeBob.
Little boy: ... I'm not stupid.
Barbershop
Noblesville, Indiana
5PM He's the Best Lower Body Surgeon in the State
Boss on phone: Yeah, you're a client, but if you don't pay your bills, you're only half a client... And not the half I want.
473 Central Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: web edit monkey
4PM Do You Really Think Colonel Mustard Would Do That?
Assistant editor: She said she's going to come over and hit you in the head with a pretzel.
1633 Broadway
New York, New York
3PM What the Company Does Instead of Salary Reviews
Worker bee #1: They used to line us up in the middle of the school, make us drop our pants, and paddle us.
Worker bee #2: You can't do that these days because too many people would like it.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: usual suspect
2PM When Will Those Long Nights at the Truckstop Pay Off?
Office girl #1: I have a canker sore.
Office girl #2: Maybe it's herpes.
Office girl #1: No -- I wish.
971 Coley Drive
Mountain Home, Arkansas
Overheard by: data entry girl
1PM Feel Better Now?
Lady worker answering phone: Hi Alex*! ... I knew it was you because this is a 321* area code, and you work in Boston and it wasn't your home number... And if it wasn't you, then I was prepared for your boss to be calling me telling me you fell off a stool, hit your head, and wound up dead on the floor.
Indiana
12PM You Are a Bad Man
Cube rat #1: You've got to be shitting me... My grandma is trying to add me on MySpace.
Cube rat #2: That's sort of sweet.
Cube rat #1: I'm her second friend. I didn't know she knew what a computer was...
Cube rat #2: Dude, pop her comment cherry!
1932 Wildcat Canyon Road
San Diego, California
11AM The Perils of Hiring 12-Year-Olds
Receptionist shouting down hallway: Stop talking about me, Cindy*! I can hear you talking about me!
Cindy: [Keeps talking.]
Receptionist: [Rings Cindy.]
Cindy: Hello?
Receptionist: Stop talking about me -- I can hear you talking about me!
Cindy: Who is this?
Douglas Street
Milton
Australia
Overheard by: Supaflyrocksta
10AM It's Really Not Appropriate to Make Me Hungry This Early in the Day
Male developer #1: Alright, sugar tits.
Male developer #2: If you ever call me 'sugar tits' again, I'm going to rip your nipples off.
Male developer #1: Okay, dumpling butt.
State and Water Streets
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
9AM A Very Limited Edition Reese's Cup
Chick: Can you pass the penis butter?
Boss: [Silence.]
Chick: Peanut butter. Oh, God.
Cornwall
United Kingdom
Overheard by: monk.e.boy
5PM When Affirmative Action Goes Wrong
Office lady, peering into the copier: Ew, how many white ones did I produce? Oh, good. Not that many.
1819 NW Everett Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Schmoozer
4PM This Is Why There's a Mandatory Retirement Age
65-year-old employee: Sure, I'll get those docs to you later today. Right now I have to run down the hall before I have an accident in my pants.
Aliso Viejo, California
Overheard by: hold it in
3PM By the Time You Figure It Out, You'll Be Retired
Employee #1: It went well. I have to pick some comp-- Compet-- Um...
Employee #2: Competencies?
Employee #1: Yeah! ... What does that mean?
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Not Like When We Swam with the Sharks
Sub-editor: Hi, Ed*!
Designer: Hi, Jack*! I'll try not to cut myself when you're talking to me this time.
Australia
1PM I Still Think Bessie Faked That "Emotional Trauma"
Peon: I'm going to be on a jury! I really hope I get a murder trial, since I'm in the city. When I lived in the country, I had to be on a jury for this guy who hit a cow. I'm like, 'I don't want to sit through this!'
351 West Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Temp-tation
12PM Britain? Really?
Manager, yelling slowly into phone: It's a little wet, but it's wild.
Auckland
New Zealand
11AM From America's Most Underhanded Racial Slurs
Coworker: Nice! That is a large nostril!
1420 5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: abbs mcnabbs
10AM Hey, I Had to Listen to the Complete Story of Your Pregnancy
Male coworker: Wait, did I already tell you the scrotum story?
Female coworker: Yes, you did. Thanks for telling me yet again about your nutsack.
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Sweet! I'm Going Home.
CSR #1: I just want to know what is expected of us!
CSR #2, walking away: What is expected of us is that you suck, and I don't, so there!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
5PM Does He Really Want to Marry Someone Who Doesn't Drink?
Tech #1: So, my friend is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him, and he wants to secretly get her ring size.
Tech #2: Measure her finger while she's asleep.
Tech #1: What if she doesn't sleep very soundly? What if she wakes up and is like, 'What's this thing on my finger?'
Tech #2: Get her really hammered.
Tech #1: She doesn't really drink...
Tech #3: Then just hammer her!
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: only girl in the office
4PM Made from Kryptonian Pigs
Diner #1: It's got just a shade of spice?
Diner #2: Hmmm...
Diner #1: Because I really don't like the bacon super spicy...
Waiter: Um, yes.
Smoketown Road
Woodbridge, Virginia
3PM A Clean Set for Company and a Dirty Set in the Bedroom
Web developer: That doesn't count.
Web designer: Neither can your mum.
Web developer: Yeah -- I guess it really hampered her 25-year career as a bookkeeper.
Web designer: What sort of books did she keep?
104-108 Dover Street
Richmond Victoria
Australia
2PM On the Plus Side, I Can Fit Through Mail-Slots
Guy peon: Haven't you seen the commercials?
Lady peon: I don't pay attention to them. I'm so one-dimensional.
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM You'll Also Note That I've Listed "Hallucinatory Forklifting" under "Special Skills"
Large, bearded interviewee: ... And I have to tell you that I do smoke pot... But I used to do construction, and I was high the whole time I did that, and that's a lot more dangerous than this.
Addison, Texas
Overheard by: curtis
12PM Electricity Finally Makes It to Middle America
Customer: What are all of those light switches for?
Store clerk, without looking up: For turning things on and off.
Wichita, Kansas
Overheard by: Chandra
11AM One of the Olsen Twins, Perhaps
Lady suit, at lunch: How is it?
Male suit: It needs something.
Lady suit: Perhaps you should have asked for a more aggressive vegetable.
9th Street and Main Avenue
Durango, Colorado
10AM Yadda Yadda Yadda, 24-Hours Later I'm in the ER with Poultry Up My Rectum
Lawyer #1: I had a bad dream last night. I woke my wife up at 4:30 to tell her I dreamt she was having sex with a gay man.
Lawyer #2: Oh, really?
Lawyer #1: Yeah, and it really upset me. And she laughed and said she knew why I had the dream. It was because of these women's sex discussion groups she's been going to lately. Then she says to me, 'Well, what was I doing? Using the drumstick or what?'
Lawyer #2: What the hell? The drumstick? What was she talkin' about?
Lawyer #1: I know -- I didn't get it either, so I asked her, 'What are you talking about?' and she said, 'Well, how exactly was I having sex with a game hen?'
Lawyer #2: [Guffaws.]
Lawyer #1, chuckling: Yeah... I guess she wasn't fully awake when I told her.
560 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Whereas the Original Santa Was Forged by Glaciers
Old lady peon, bursting excitedly into office: I just went to the craft store and picked up some holiday window clings for my office!
Young male peon: Wow. That's... fantastic.
Old lady peon: I've got Santa Claus and reindeer and snowmen and snowflakes... I asked about Hanukkah stuff, but they didn't have any. I'm going to do this for every holiday! This is great!
Young male peon: What about Kwanzaa?
Old lady peon: Oh, no, that's a man-made holiday.
Sacramento, California
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