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January 2008 Archives
5PM It Has the Pictures!
[Male employee #1 offers doughnut to female employee.]
Female employee: I am not putting that into my body.
Male employee #1: That is pretty pompous.
Male employee #2: I know! You should see what she puts into her body, and how fast!
Male employee #1, after long silence: Um, so, did you see my e-mail from yesterday?
North Lamar Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Oh really?
4PM Why You Never See a Teenage Horticulturalist
Reporter: I'm so middle-aged, I missed the turn-off.
Editor: We're all getting on a bit...
Reporter: I don't care. I'm happy just to sit here, let my belly grow, and get interested in plants.
Newcastle
United Kingdom
3PM Um, the Bras Are for My Wife
Cashier to customer: These are cute bras. I wish I had big boobs. Everyone says I should be happy with what I got, but I think I'd like big ones. [Customer stares silently.] Guys like big ones. Not saying yours are big or anything, but I wish I had your boobs.
2000 Barnett Shoals Road
Athens, Georgia
2PM You Can Take a Long Lunch If You Let Me Lick It
Receptionist: Will you watch the phones so I can use the restroom, please?
Salesman: Only if I can smell your seat when you get up!
Chicago, Illinois
1PM And As Slippery As a False Analogy
Coworker: I can't believe they raised the price of their chicken salads! I mean, chicken is, like, the bologna of meats!
1400 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
12PM If This Is Your Boss, You Have Our Sympathy
Boss: You don't need lubricants. That's what diarrhea is for!
Kansas
11AM Better Than the Whole "Dinosaur Bones Were Planted by Satan" Theory
Apprentice: I choose to believe we evolved from badgers.
West Midlands
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Engineer
10AM I Was Promised That As a Condition of My Employment
Sales chick #1: So, if the sun dies, then we're all dead?
Sales chick #2: Yup.
Sales chick #1: But what if we eat the people that die first?
Sales chick #2: We'd all die pretty soon anyway.
Sales chick #1: Oh... But I can still eat the dead people, right?
4606 Lankershim Boulevard
North Hollywood, California
9AM Marketing People Just Talk; It Doesn't Matter What They Say
Marketing assistant: He's really changed his tune on that.
PR associate: Yup, he's come around 360 degrees.
Marketing assistant: If not more!
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM We Told Her Star Jones Had Just Been Pregnant with Sextuplets for Twenty-Five Years
Older lady suit on conference call: My hero is having babies today.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: in the cubicle next to her
4PM He Broke My Fall, but He's Okay. He's a Tough Little Donkey
General manager to hostess who slipped and fell: So, how's your ass?
Beaumont, Texas
3PM Come to Think of It, Old People and Retards Are Hard to Tell Apart Sometimes
Peon #1: I'm going to a S.C.O.R.E. meeting tomorrow.
Peon #2: What's that?
Peon #1: Service Corp of Retired Executives.
Peon #2: What? Retarded Executives?
3201 West Commercial Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
2PM ... What? I'm in the Will, of Course!
Secretary: Why would she take a gun with her to the parking garage? ... This is good news!
111 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: intern
1PM Which Is Why You Have to Videotape It
Cube dweller: Sleeping with the manager does not give you authority.
395 Scenic Highway
Lawrenceville, Georgia
12PM Nature's Way of Telling You to Update Your Résumé
Analyst: Somebody open a Help Desk ticket... I need a wet bar. It would be nice to have some brandy next to the coffee... It's the end of the day -- it's Friday... I need some alcohol. I need some help.
Hospital
Evanston, Illinois
11AM Sorry, I Think Abbott and Costello Have Done This to Death
Worker #1: Is the city of Singapore in China?
Worker #2: No, it's in Singapore.
Worker #1: No, I meant where is Singapore?! Is it in China?!
Worker #2: Singapore is a city and a country.
Worker #1, after a long pause: Oh. So... where is Singapore, then?
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
10AM At Least Once a Month
Woman on phone: No, he just goes with the flow. And she is his flow.
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
9AM This Document Will Require the Signatures of Two Witnesses and the Services of a Medium
Intern, staring at document: Wow. So this guy was executed in Corcoran, and he had to sign for it?
Paralegal: No. 'Executed at' means that is where he signed it... You know, he signed it in Corcoran.
Intern: Ohhh.
311 Douty Street
Central Valley, California
Overheard by: californiatrinity
5PM Yo, Let Me Hit That Beer Bong before I Write This Deposition
White coworker: Yo, last night was like a fuckin' rap video! We had a limo and a bottle of fine-ass champagne! And then we went to the Hustler club! Oh, and I'm still wasted. When is the trial date for [technology company]?
153 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: A. Goldstein
4PM He Should Have Said "My Stupid Self"
Manager #1: Here's your stupid file, because your stupid student workers didn't stupid-finish the stupid work on the stupid contract, so I had to stupid-do it myself.
Manager #2: Heh, pretty gay, right there.
Student worker: Bill*, come on... He's just so proud when he learns a new word.
6100 Main Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: ninjacles
3PM I Don't Know, but I Do Know He Is Definitely Not the Father
Coworker #1: You know what time I go to lunch! Why'd you wait 'til I was gone to bring your [pregnant] wife by to say hello?
Coworker #2: How am I supposed to control when a woman comes?
1252 Memorial Drive
Coral Gables, Florida
Overheard by: So far so good...
2PM They Can Get So Clingy
Clerk #1: You can't do nuts?
Clerk #2: Nope, nuts don't like me.
Clerk #1: Nuts don't like me sometimes, too.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Db's Mom
1PM Sorry, Oprah, It Was Both
Office lady: I thought I was overweight -- turns out I was just full of shit!
Elden Street
Herndon, Virginia
12PM And Location Independent!
Employee on phone: I was just calling to confirm that we can show your house all this weekend. I know you don't usually show on Saturdays, but since you'll be out of town for the weekend, can we show on Saturday also?
Eccentric homeowner: Oh, no! The Sabbath is for eternity!
Real estate office
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: K the Amazing Receptionist
11AM Baby, We Don't Need to Go Outside
Female employee to female supervisor: Do you want to go outside and get hot with me?
1200 Southwest Boulevard
Jefferson City, Missouri
10AM And Then We'll Give Thanks
Grunt: Just stick the turkey baster in there and suck it all out!
320 SW Stark Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Julie
9AM That's the Ulcer Perforating
Coworker on phone with QC guy: Um... You just hit the printer icon... What? Well, just type it on a Word document. Uh, you type, then hit that aforementioned printer icon... Okay, hold up. Let's just start from square one, shall we? First, is your computer on this time? Okay, hit your start button, down there at the bottom of your screen. Uh, and don't really hit it -- just click, okay? Now click 'All programs'... M-hmmm... Now click 'Microsoft Office, and then 'Microsoft Word.' You get a pop-up on your computer about macros. Click the 'X.' [Sighs.] Well, give it a minute -- you'll have a pop-up. Very good. Yes, hit the 'X.' [After pause] Now you type -- you know -- typey-type-type-type? Then print. Right. No, if you don't save it, then it won't stay on your computer... What exactly are you typing and printing in there? ... You know what? Never mind. It's better if I just don't know. [Hangs up, then speaks to self.] And I can't ship anything without him checking the parts first... I have a good feeling in my belly now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM When His White Friends Call, It Plays Jay-Z's "Ain't No Nigga"
Assistant: Whose phone is that? Who has rap music on their ringtone?
Sales guy, across room: Is that mine?
Assistant: Seriously? Is that your phone? [Sales guy runs to his desk.]
Office manager: It sounds like porn...
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM I Stand by My Earlier Assessment
Employee #1: Who's that new blonde girl that works here?
Employee #2: Which new blonde girl? That doesn't narrow it down.
Employee #1: You know, the... the slow one. She sounds kind of retarded when she talks.
Employee #2: Kelly*? She's not retarded, you jerk -- she's from Sweden. English isn't her first language.
Boston Post Road
Sudbury, Massachusetts
Overheard by: slurific
3PM The Little-Known Eleventh Plague
Smoke breaker on cell: By the way, I just 86-ed you from Poker-Game dot net*... Yeah, you can't log on Poker-Game anymore.
2001 Lind Avebue SW
Renton, Washington
2PM Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Bright Orange
Customer #1: So, is Gary* out yet?
Customer #2: Oh, no -- his sentencing isn't until Tuesday.
Customer #1: Oh, okay. How's Colleen* handling it?
Customer #2: Well, they are going to get married before then, so I guess great.
Ketchikan, Alaska
1PM I've Sacked Plenty of Clemson Graduates, Though
Lobbyist, accompanying CEO: Clemson football games are wonderful. Saturday afternoon games down there are great.
Staffer: Yes, they were a lot of fun.
Lobbyist, to CEO: Have you ever watched a Clemson game?
CEO, nonchalantly turning to leave: No, they never played Yale.
Washington, DC
12PM Well, What Are My Choices?
Worker bee #1: Have you ever been constipated?
Worker bee #2: Not severely.
Worker bee #1: Oh, it's horrible! I hate it! I would rather have diarrhea!
Worker bee #2: No, you wouldn't.
Worker bee #1: Oh, yes, I would! At least then you know there's going to be an end to it... It wears out.
Worker bee #2: Yeah, but with diarrhea you could have an accident.
Worker bee #1: Well, I didn't say that it was a choice between being constipated and having an accident. You don't alwayshave an accident.
110 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jaime
11AM 10,000 CSRs Can't Be Funny
CSR #1 on phone: Hello, are you there? Marco? Marco?
CSRs #2 and #3, simultaneously: Polo? Polo?
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
10AM And Then Stuff Comes Out on the Other End
Worker explaining new fax machine: Stand there and just stick it in. Bottom up.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
9AM She Drinks to Forget
Female student #1: I dunno -- maybe I should give up drinking.
Female student #2: That's never a good idea.
Female student #1: It's just that I'm older, y'know? The drinking scene is so played...
Male student, joining them minutes later: So, what are you guys doing this weekend?
Female student #1: Getting fucking hammered.
Female student #2: What happened to giving up drinking?
Female student #1: Oh, please, that was so two minutes ago.
University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: the iPod was just a front
5PM Do You Solemnly Swear to Tell the Hose Truth and Nothing but the Truth?
Office chick on phone: I know! He was all, 'I really like your hoses...' I did -- I told him I liked his hoses as well -- I'm not rude.
Itasca, Illinois
Overheard by: Terry
4PM I'm Thinking That Will Taste More Like a Daiquiri
Ghetto customer: My daiquiri tastes like water.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. What may I bring you instead?
Ghetto customer: Water.
Dulaney Valley Road
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: shaking my head
3PM Unless He's in a Small, Enclosed Space -- That's Where He Does His Suicide and His Hurting
Grunt on phone: I have claustrophobia and am not suicidal. I am not going to hurt anybody.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
2PM Aren't You Worried about Flooding?
Job interviewer: So, when exactly are you moving here?
Job interviewee: As soon as we find a place to live. We're looking for an apartment or a condom.
602 West University Avenue
Urbana, Illinois
1PM When the Inner Monologue Becomes the Outer, Grasshopper, It Is Time to Leave the Theater
Ticket taker to patrons: Enjoy the movie! Theater ten is on the left. Enjoy your movie! [In exasperation, at same volume] I really, really hate this job!
Mississippi
Overheard by: Amused Movie Goer
12PM As Long As They Keep Kicking Out Quality Electronics
Coworker: Hey, Paul*, my daughter just learned to say 'Thank you' in Chinese.
Paul: That's great. Sounds like a smart kid.
Coworker: Yeah! I think I'm gonna tell Amy*.
Paul: Amy's Korean
Coworker: Isn't it the same thing?
1234 Brookdale Drive
Glendale Heights, Illinois
11AM He Answers to Both -- Don't Sweat It
Agent: We used to play this drinking game when I was twnety. They still have it now. What was that called? President? Mr. President? Oh, yeah! 'Asshole'!
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Just the Receptionist
10AM Because Do I Ever Have the Middle East Excursion Package for You...
Customer, entering store: Hi.
Travel agent: Are you ready to book something today, or are you just going to ask questions?
Queen Street
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: Random Eavesdropper
9AM That's "Mr. Bag" to You
Employee #1, 45 minutes after asked to perform simple task: Here are those documents you wanted. All the copies are underneath the one that's on top of it.
Employee #2: Listen, shitbag -- I was actually hoping to go to lunch today, so spare me the retard explanations, please! [To another employee] Do we have an ODP employee section we could put her in?
Employee #3: Nah. We're still just using that dumpster out front.
132 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM You Know You're Getting Old When the Kid from Jerry Maguire Is Having Children of His Own
Charity worker: His name was Brandon*, and he was about six and he has Down Syndrome and eye cancer, so he has one glass eye, but you can't tell. But sometimes it plops out. He also needs a major hip replacement, but he does walk most of the time. He can't talk. He's sooo cute.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Bora
4PM Why Do I Always Get the Callers with the Tough Questions?
Caller on speakerphone: Is so-and-so in?
Office girl: No, he's out for the week.
Caller on speakerphone: Okay, well, I had you transfer me to what's-his-name before. Is he in?
Office girl: No, I think he's gone for the day.
Caller on speakerphone: Do you even work there, or are you just an answering service?
Office girl: Ummm...
Wisconsin Avenue NW
Washington, DC
3PM His Wife Gets All the Good Lines in Their Home Videos
Coworker #1: It's Dick... Dick... Dick... Dick... Dick!
Coworker #2: Wow. What are you having for lunch?
Coworker #1: What? Ew, no! I was quoting a movie!
Coworker #2: Sure you were.
3211 Jermantown Road
Fairfax, Virginia
2PM I Was Going to Go with Your Competitors, but You're Clearly My Kind of People
Office guy spatting while office girl: You slap like my mom.
Office girl: [Laughs.]
Client on speakerphone with office supervisor who's frantically hushing employees: I think the guy in the background just said he slept with his mom.
Ringwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: cps