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January 2008 Archives
5PM It Has the Pictures!
[Male employee #1 offers doughnut to female employee.]
Female employee: I am not putting that into my body.
Male employee #1: That is pretty pompous.
Male employee #2: I know! You should see what she puts into her body, and how fast!
Male employee #1, after long silence: Um, so, did you see my e-mail from yesterday?
North Lamar Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Oh really?
4PM Why You Never See a Teenage Horticulturalist
Reporter: I'm so middle-aged, I missed the turn-off.
Editor: We're all getting on a bit...
Reporter: I don't care. I'm happy just to sit here, let my belly grow, and get interested in plants.
Newcastle
United Kingdom
3PM Um, the Bras Are for My Wife
Cashier to customer: These are cute bras. I wish I had big boobs. Everyone says I should be happy with what I got, but I think I'd like big ones. [Customer stares silently.] Guys like big ones. Not saying yours are big or anything, but I wish I had your boobs.
2000 Barnett Shoals Road
Athens, Georgia
2PM You Can Take a Long Lunch If You Let Me Lick It
Receptionist: Will you watch the phones so I can use the restroom, please?
Salesman: Only if I can smell your seat when you get up!
Chicago, Illinois
1PM And As Slippery As a False Analogy
Coworker: I can't believe they raised the price of their chicken salads! I mean, chicken is, like, the bologna of meats!
1400 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
12PM If This Is Your Boss, You Have Our Sympathy
Boss: You don't need lubricants. That's what diarrhea is for!
Kansas
11AM Better Than the Whole "Dinosaur Bones Were Planted by Satan" Theory
Apprentice: I choose to believe we evolved from badgers.
West Midlands
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Engineer
10AM I Was Promised That As a Condition of My Employment
Sales chick #1: So, if the sun dies, then we're all dead?
Sales chick #2: Yup.
Sales chick #1: But what if we eat the people that die first?
Sales chick #2: We'd all die pretty soon anyway.
Sales chick #1: Oh... But I can still eat the dead people, right?
4606 Lankershim Boulevard
North Hollywood, California
9AM Marketing People Just Talk; It Doesn't Matter What They Say
Marketing assistant: He's really changed his tune on that.
PR associate: Yup, he's come around 360 degrees.
Marketing assistant: If not more!
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM We Told Her Star Jones Had Just Been Pregnant with Sextuplets for Twenty-Five Years
Older lady suit on conference call: My hero is having babies today.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: in the cubicle next to her
4PM He Broke My Fall, but He's Okay. He's a Tough Little Donkey
General manager to hostess who slipped and fell: So, how's your ass?
Beaumont, Texas
3PM Come to Think of It, Old People and Retards Are Hard to Tell Apart Sometimes
Peon #1: I'm going to a S.C.O.R.E. meeting tomorrow.
Peon #2: What's that?
Peon #1: Service Corp of Retired Executives.
Peon #2: What? Retarded Executives?
3201 West Commercial Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
2PM ... What? I'm in the Will, of Course!
Secretary: Why would she take a gun with her to the parking garage? ... This is good news!
111 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: intern
1PM Which Is Why You Have to Videotape It
Cube dweller: Sleeping with the manager does not give you authority.
395 Scenic Highway
Lawrenceville, Georgia
12PM Nature's Way of Telling You to Update Your Résumé
Analyst: Somebody open a Help Desk ticket... I need a wet bar. It would be nice to have some brandy next to the coffee... It's the end of the day -- it's Friday... I need some alcohol. I need some help.
Hospital
Evanston, Illinois
11AM Sorry, I Think Abbott and Costello Have Done This to Death
Worker #1: Is the city of Singapore in China?
Worker #2: No, it's in Singapore.
Worker #1: No, I meant where is Singapore?! Is it in China?!
Worker #2: Singapore is a city and a country.
Worker #1, after a long pause: Oh. So... where is Singapore, then?
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
10AM At Least Once a Month
Woman on phone: No, he just goes with the flow. And she is his flow.
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
9AM This Document Will Require the Signatures of Two Witnesses and the Services of a Medium
Intern, staring at document: Wow. So this guy was executed in Corcoran, and he had to sign for it?
Paralegal: No. 'Executed at' means that is where he signed it... You know, he signed it in Corcoran.
Intern: Ohhh.
311 Douty Street
Central Valley, California
Overheard by: californiatrinity
5PM Yo, Let Me Hit That Beer Bong before I Write This Deposition
White coworker: Yo, last night was like a fuckin' rap video! We had a limo and a bottle of fine-ass champagne! And then we went to the Hustler club! Oh, and I'm still wasted. When is the trial date for [technology company]?
153 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: A. Goldstein
4PM He Should Have Said "My Stupid Self"
Manager #1: Here's your stupid file, because your stupid student workers didn't stupid-finish the stupid work on the stupid contract, so I had to stupid-do it myself.
Manager #2: Heh, pretty gay, right there.
Student worker: Bill*, come on... He's just so proud when he learns a new word.
6100 Main Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: ninjacles
3PM I Don't Know, but I Do Know He Is Definitely Not the Father
Coworker #1: You know what time I go to lunch! Why'd you wait 'til I was gone to bring your [pregnant] wife by to say hello?
Coworker #2: How am I supposed to control when a woman comes?
1252 Memorial Drive
Coral Gables, Florida
Overheard by: So far so good...
2PM They Can Get So Clingy
Clerk #1: You can't do nuts?
Clerk #2: Nope, nuts don't like me.
Clerk #1: Nuts don't like me sometimes, too.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Db's Mom
1PM Sorry, Oprah, It Was Both
Office lady: I thought I was overweight -- turns out I was just full of shit!
Elden Street
Herndon, Virginia
12PM And Location Independent!
Employee on phone: I was just calling to confirm that we can show your house all this weekend. I know you don't usually show on Saturdays, but since you'll be out of town for the weekend, can we show on Saturday also?
Eccentric homeowner: Oh, no! The Sabbath is for eternity!
Real estate office
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: K the Amazing Receptionist
11AM Baby, We Don't Need to Go Outside
Female employee to female supervisor: Do you want to go outside and get hot with me?
1200 Southwest Boulevard
Jefferson City, Missouri
10AM And Then We'll Give Thanks
Grunt: Just stick the turkey baster in there and suck it all out!
320 SW Stark Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Julie
9AM That's the Ulcer Perforating
Coworker on phone with QC guy: Um... You just hit the printer icon... What? Well, just type it on a Word document. Uh, you type, then hit that aforementioned printer icon... Okay, hold up. Let's just start from square one, shall we? First, is your computer on this time? Okay, hit your start button, down there at the bottom of your screen. Uh, and don't really hit it -- just click, okay? Now click 'All programs'... M-hmmm... Now click 'Microsoft Office, and then 'Microsoft Word.' You get a pop-up on your computer about macros. Click the 'X.' [Sighs.] Well, give it a minute -- you'll have a pop-up. Very good. Yes, hit the 'X.' [After pause] Now you type -- you know -- typey-type-type-type? Then print. Right. No, if you don't save it, then it won't stay on your computer... What exactly are you typing and printing in there? ... You know what? Never mind. It's better if I just don't know. [Hangs up, then speaks to self.] And I can't ship anything without him checking the parts first... I have a good feeling in my belly now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM When His White Friends Call, It Plays Jay-Z's "Ain't No Nigga"
Assistant: Whose phone is that? Who has rap music on their ringtone?
Sales guy, across room: Is that mine?
Assistant: Seriously? Is that your phone? [Sales guy runs to his desk.]
Office manager: It sounds like porn...
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM I Stand by My Earlier Assessment
Employee #1: Who's that new blonde girl that works here?
Employee #2: Which new blonde girl? That doesn't narrow it down.
Employee #1: You know, the... the slow one. She sounds kind of retarded when she talks.
Employee #2: Kelly*? She's not retarded, you jerk -- she's from Sweden. English isn't her first language.
Boston Post Road
Sudbury, Massachusetts
Overheard by: slurific
3PM The Little-Known Eleventh Plague
Smoke breaker on cell: By the way, I just 86-ed you from Poker-Game dot net*... Yeah, you can't log on Poker-Game anymore.
2001 Lind Avebue SW
Renton, Washington
2PM Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Bright Orange
Customer #1: So, is Gary* out yet?
Customer #2: Oh, no -- his sentencing isn't until Tuesday.
Customer #1: Oh, okay. How's Colleen* handling it?
Customer #2: Well, they are going to get married before then, so I guess great.
Ketchikan, Alaska
1PM I've Sacked Plenty of Clemson Graduates, Though
Lobbyist, accompanying CEO: Clemson football games are wonderful. Saturday afternoon games down there are great.
Staffer: Yes, they were a lot of fun.
Lobbyist, to CEO: Have you ever watched a Clemson game?
CEO, nonchalantly turning to leave: No, they never played Yale.
Washington, DC
12PM Well, What Are My Choices?
Worker bee #1: Have you ever been constipated?
Worker bee #2: Not severely.
Worker bee #1: Oh, it's horrible! I hate it! I would rather have diarrhea!
Worker bee #2: No, you wouldn't.
Worker bee #1: Oh, yes, I would! At least then you know there's going to be an end to it... It wears out.
Worker bee #2: Yeah, but with diarrhea you could have an accident.
Worker bee #1: Well, I didn't say that it was a choice between being constipated and having an accident. You don't alwayshave an accident.
110 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jaime
11AM 10,000 CSRs Can't Be Funny
CSR #1 on phone: Hello, are you there? Marco? Marco?
CSRs #2 and #3, simultaneously: Polo? Polo?
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
10AM And Then Stuff Comes Out on the Other End
Worker explaining new fax machine: Stand there and just stick it in. Bottom up.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
9AM She Drinks to Forget
Female student #1: I dunno -- maybe I should give up drinking.
Female student #2: That's never a good idea.
Female student #1: It's just that I'm older, y'know? The drinking scene is so played...
Male student, joining them minutes later: So, what are you guys doing this weekend?
Female student #1: Getting fucking hammered.
Female student #2: What happened to giving up drinking?
Female student #1: Oh, please, that was so two minutes ago.
University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: the iPod was just a front
5PM Do You Solemnly Swear to Tell the Hose Truth and Nothing but the Truth?
Office chick on phone: I know! He was all, 'I really like your hoses...' I did -- I told him I liked his hoses as well -- I'm not rude.
Itasca, Illinois
Overheard by: Terry
4PM I'm Thinking That Will Taste More Like a Daiquiri
Ghetto customer: My daiquiri tastes like water.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. What may I bring you instead?
Ghetto customer: Water.
Dulaney Valley Road
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: shaking my head
3PM Unless He's in a Small, Enclosed Space -- That's Where He Does His Suicide and His Hurting
Grunt on phone: I have claustrophobia and am not suicidal. I am not going to hurt anybody.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
2PM Aren't You Worried about Flooding?
Job interviewer: So, when exactly are you moving here?
Job interviewee: As soon as we find a place to live. We're looking for an apartment or a condom.
602 West University Avenue
Urbana, Illinois
1PM When the Inner Monologue Becomes the Outer, Grasshopper, It Is Time to Leave the Theater
Ticket taker to patrons: Enjoy the movie! Theater ten is on the left. Enjoy your movie! [In exasperation, at same volume] I really, really hate this job!
Mississippi
Overheard by: Amused Movie Goer
12PM As Long As They Keep Kicking Out Quality Electronics
Coworker: Hey, Paul*, my daughter just learned to say 'Thank you' in Chinese.
Paul: That's great. Sounds like a smart kid.
Coworker: Yeah! I think I'm gonna tell Amy*.
Paul: Amy's Korean
Coworker: Isn't it the same thing?
1234 Brookdale Drive
Glendale Heights, Illinois
11AM He Answers to Both -- Don't Sweat It
Agent: We used to play this drinking game when I was twnety. They still have it now. What was that called? President? Mr. President? Oh, yeah! 'Asshole'!
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Just the Receptionist
10AM Because Do I Ever Have the Middle East Excursion Package for You...
Customer, entering store: Hi.
Travel agent: Are you ready to book something today, or are you just going to ask questions?
Queen Street
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: Random Eavesdropper
9AM That's "Mr. Bag" to You
Employee #1, 45 minutes after asked to perform simple task: Here are those documents you wanted. All the copies are underneath the one that's on top of it.
Employee #2: Listen, shitbag -- I was actually hoping to go to lunch today, so spare me the retard explanations, please! [To another employee] Do we have an ODP employee section we could put her in?
Employee #3: Nah. We're still just using that dumpster out front.
132 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM You Know You're Getting Old When the Kid from Jerry Maguire Is Having Children of His Own
Charity worker: His name was Brandon*, and he was about six and he has Down Syndrome and eye cancer, so he has one glass eye, but you can't tell. But sometimes it plops out. He also needs a major hip replacement, but he does walk most of the time. He can't talk. He's sooo cute.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Bora
4PM Why Do I Always Get the Callers with the Tough Questions?
Caller on speakerphone: Is so-and-so in?
Office girl: No, he's out for the week.
Caller on speakerphone: Okay, well, I had you transfer me to what's-his-name before. Is he in?
Office girl: No, I think he's gone for the day.
Caller on speakerphone: Do you even work there, or are you just an answering service?
Office girl: Ummm...
Wisconsin Avenue NW
Washington, DC
3PM His Wife Gets All the Good Lines in Their Home Videos
Coworker #1: It's Dick... Dick... Dick... Dick... Dick!
Coworker #2: Wow. What are you having for lunch?
Coworker #1: What? Ew, no! I was quoting a movie!
Coworker #2: Sure you were.
3211 Jermantown Road
Fairfax, Virginia
2PM I Was Going to Go with Your Competitors, but You're Clearly My Kind of People
Office guy spatting while office girl: You slap like my mom.
Office girl: [Laughs.]
Client on speakerphone with office supervisor who's frantically hushing employees: I think the guy in the background just said he slept with his mom.
Ringwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: cps
1PM Mama Was Later Arrested for Adulterating Cocktails
Lady: I'd like a Bahama Mama.
Waitress: Alright.
Lady: And make sure to tell the bartender that I'd like it with extra Mama.
Waitress: No problem, ma'am. A Bahama Mama with extra Mama. I'll tell him.
Lansdale, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: fed up
12PM Yes, It Was
Communications specialist referring to recent counseling session: Oh! I just did her husband!
Marketing specialist: Well, good for you!
Government building
Raleigh, North Carolina
11AM My Hurt Feelings Collection Is Festering Nicely Today
Coworker #1: I can't believe the three of them just strolled right past my cubicle, and Karen* did not ask us if we wanted to go to lunch with them!
Coworker #2: She is so rude! You ready?
Coworker #1: Yeah, I'm starving.
Shier Rings Road
Dublin, Ohio
Overheard by: Invisible Girl
10AM Yes, I Was Hoping You Might Be Able to Give Me Some AIDS
Associate: Thank you for calling the Houston gonorrhea. Can I help you?
Houston, Texas
9AM As a Co-Utterer or a Target?
Boss: From now on, every time I call someone a 'twat,' just presume you're Cc:ed in on it.
Power station
Wales
5PM No One Needs to Know I Bought Encino Man
Coworker #1: The new shredder shreds CDs... Cool.
Coworker #2: Yeah! And it shreds DVDs, too!
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: it says moops
4PM The Next Ben Stiller Movie
Employee geek #1: Where are those boxes that UPS brought earlier?!
Employee geek #2: The brown ones with white labels?
Employee geek #1: Yeah, those! I need them ASAP!
Employee geek #2: I saw them next to your mom's bed last night! [Laughs.]
Employee geek #1: What? How did they get there?! Shit!
200 Sampson Place
Seattle, Washington
3PM After the Rohypnol Kicks In.
Graphic design girl: How do you lick that off someone's boob?
Parsippany, New Jersey
2PM I Wondered Why They'd Told Me to Use the Back Door
Casting assistant: I knew it was already dirty, but I was half way in and it was too late to turn back.
336 West 17th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: cubicle neighboor
1PM Chopsticks, However, Are Better for Stabbing Bigots in the Throat
Employee #1: How's your burger?
Asian manager, with messy burger: Good, but it's hard to eat...
Employee #2: It would be harder to eat with chopsticks!
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM They Could Call Me Peter Dust-Pan
Receptionist: You know He-Man and how when he lifts his sword he gets a sudden jolt of steroids?
Stylist: Yeah.
Receptionist: Well, wouldn't it be awesome if I could lift the broom and become a broom god?!
Stylist: Um, no.
Barber shop
Noblesville, Indiana
11AM Much of What We Learn about Our Colleagues Should Be Forgotten
Developer: Oh, man... I got caught in the wave of girl-fart... It smelled like a mixture of diarrhea poopie and menstrual cycle!
State and Water Streets
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
10AM Um, Is That How It Works?
VP: I just completed sexual harassment training! Who's gonna be my first victim?
Assistant: Me!
1 Glenlake Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM The Kind of Art Installation My Grandma Would Call "Unsavory"
Project manager: So, did you get it erected?
Yard coordinator: Yeah, the bed jumped off the platform during the release.
Project manager: Well, at least the piece was solid this time. I take it the vibrators worked better?
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Love my job
5PM And There's Nothing I Enjoy More Than Being Taken from Behind
Male worker to female lunch companion: See, the good thing about you is that you can really pack it in. I mean, most girls can't do that.
12th and G Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: i like to eat too
4PM No, on the Guy He's Kneeling Next To
Boss, looking at photograph: Geez, look at the smile on this guy!
Peon: That's a mustache.
Middlemount, Queensland
Australia
Overheard by: Glad he shaves...
3PM Frankly, I Don't Think Anyone Would Eat That Shit on a Boat
Recruiter on phone: That's not a Greek philosopher -- that's Dr. Seuss!
Washington, DC
2PM After That, I Wore It all the Time, So It Wasn't Really a Costume
Male peon: I was a pink My Little Pony for Halloween once.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
1PM One of the Hazards of Dating Congressmen
Boss: Are you cranky because you fell into the toilet?
601 E Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM Do I Have to Explain Judaism to You Again?
40-ish female cube dweller: Do you have your Christmas frock picked out?
20-ish female cube dweller: What?
40-ish female cube dweller: Do you have a Christmas frock?
20-ish female cube dweller: Like a... dress?
40-ish female cube dweller: Yeah! To wear on Christmas!
20-ish female cube dweller: We don't really get dressed up on Christmas.
40-ish female cube dweller: [Disappointed silence.]
1701 North Beauregard Street
Alexandria, Virginia
11AM But Either Way, Really
Coworker #1: Do you want to meet in your cube, or should we get a room or something?
Coworker #2: I'm not sure I like how you phrased that...
290 Concord Road
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Heard everything
10AM Doesn't Take Much to Offend People in Ohio
Female tech worker #1: I need muffins.
Male tech worker: I've got muffins.
Female tech worker #2: I bet you can have some of [male tech worker]'s muffins.
Female tech worker #3: All together now...
Male and females #2 and #3: Dirrrty!
5990 West Creek Road
Independence, Ohio
Overheard by: Geek Times Infinity
9AM We're Not Animals.
Chief petty officer: So, you're saying the reservists can shoot themselves?
Training officer: Yes, but only with supervision.
Barboursville, West Virginia
5PM It's by Armenia and Azerbaijan -- You Add Eleven Hours... Wait, What?
Peon #1: I gotta call 'em. They're in Georgia. Is it too early?
Peon #2: What do you mean?
Peon #1: Aren't they behind us? What time is it there? ... Where's Georgia?
Clements Bridge Road
Barrington, New Jersey
Overheard by: worker on Eastern time
4PM But Will It Affect My Tan?
Customer squinting at 'No cell phones' sign: Why do we have to turn off our cell phones? What happens if you use them in the tanning bed?
Tanning consultant: You'll die.
222 Plaza, 5th Street Highway
Pennsylvania
3PM He Took the Short Bus to Management School
Coworker: Actually, there are some plants that are flame retardant.
Manager: Ha! You said 'retard.'
1212 South Rangeline Road
Indiana
Overheard by: Just Listening
2PM Aric Is in Henry's Today
Female worker: Hey, stay out of my pants!
Guy folding jeans: Uh, these are Aric's*!
Clothing store, Fairfield Commons Mall
Dayton, Ohio
1PM It's Hard to Be Kind to the Example-Challenged
Assistant branch manager: Have you ever watched that show called Bizarre Foods?
Employee: No. What is it about?
Assistant branch manager: Well, it's this show called Bizarre Foods, and they have the most bizarrest foods!
Employee: ... Hence the name!
Northwest Parkway
Georgia
12PM Is There Anything It Can't Do?
Web artist: Man, it's cold out here! Thank God I bought my mittens.
Graphic artist: I hate wearing mittens... When my hands are cold, I just use my crotch.
731 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sr. Graphics Goddess
11AM Did You Just Pin Mittens to My Sleeves?
Grunt #1: Don't you need a coat?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: Are we going outside?
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: Oh. Sorry. I guess I just turned into your mother.
10920 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Though I'm Not Sure Why We Need Giant Paperclips
Female peon: Personally, I can handle four inches without a problem. Doesn't bother me.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM But I've Significantly Cut Back on the Nicotine Gum
Jittery editor, using nicotine inhaler: This thing is great. It really works.
Reporter: How long has it been since your last cigarette?
Jittery editor: Oh, I'm still smoking, too.
400 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
5PM Woody Was Forced to Give Up His Dream of Drunken Chainmail Canoe Wrestling
Worker bee #1: I don't know how good an idea that is in a canoe.
Worker bee #2: What? At worst, they could get you for public intoxication.
Worker bee #1: I'm not worried about the legal ramifications. I'm worried about the drowning ramifications.
9000 Plymouth Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM And Then I'll Jump... Weee!
Female coworker #1: Are you going to sign up for a mammogram next week?
Female coworker #2: Yeah, I guess so. Are you?
Female coworker #1: Yep. I just hope they are more gentle than last year.
Female coworker #2: Well, they will have to use a bungee cord to get mine up on that ledge.
5950 Grassy Creek Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: Kelly
3PM But They Said the Panties Are Yours
Employee to coworker wearing under-armor shirt: Lou*, Bally's called. They want their shirt back until you can bench press at least 45 pounds.
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
Overheard by: Maureen
2PM If You Steal Other People's Staplers, You Deserve at Least a Coma
Office guy: I mean, I wouldn't wish death on anyone, but if we came back from break and she died... I'd be secretly happy.
Office girl: Yeah. Like, if I had to choose someone in the office to die--
Office guy: --It would be her.
Office girl: Totally.
Office guy: Anyway, have a lovely Christmas!
Office girl: You, too! Happy holidays!
Melbourne
Australia
1PM Would "Macadamia Melee" Have Sounded Less Creepy?
Minion #1: Oh, yeah, I try not to go shopping during the holidays.
Minion #2: You can't avoid it -- the music, the squealing children, everything -- it's like a peppermint orgy.
Assistant, startled: Uh, what?
12th and Peachtree
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Say what?
12PM 'Cause I'm Getting Hungry
Secretary on phone: So, ummm, yeah -- I just wanted to check if your horse still had his boy bits or not...
Perth
Australia
11AM Yeah, He Aimed Her Right at Me
Coworker #1, to coughing coworker: You need the Heimlich?
Coworker #2, sharply: No!
Coworker #1: You remember when Donnie* gave Ellie* the Heimlich and she threw up all over?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
10AM ... And HR Will Reimburse You
Male peon to female peon: Go get yourself a pair of underwear and rent a hotel room if that's what you need...
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM But You and Grandpa Have Fun, Okay?
Boss: Look, I don't care if you use the loft, but if you get butt-ass freaky, just change the sheets.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
5PM Relax and Try Not to Think about Jessica Simpson Any More
Cube monkey with web problems on phone to IT: Ugh, I can't get it up. Get your ass over here -- I can't get it up!
Bristol
England
Overheard by: Mhlanguli
4PM Don't Worry, Gretel, We'll Just Follow the Smell Back Home
Cube rat: Well, change your diaper and move on. That's what I always say.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM I Am So Suing Myself
Intern #1: That whole team is full of white receivers.
Intern #2: What's wrong with white receivers?
Intern #1: They're slow, man. I hate to be racist, but they are slow.
Intern #2: Yeah...
Intern #1: Hey, can I be racist against my own race?
1555 Pearl Street
Boulder, Colorado
2PM Clear and Yellowish? Sounds Suspicious to Me.
Office girl #1: Where were you yesterday!
Office girl #2: I was sick, sorry.
Office girl #1: Sick with what?
Office girl #2: Head cold... My nose was running really bad.
Office girl #1: Oh, yeah? What color was the snot?
Office girl #2: Ummm... Clear-yellowish-like.
Office girl #1: No infection -- you could have come in!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Why would she answer that??
1PM That's Your Answer to Everything
Programmer: Okay, so he asked us for a digital signature solution to document tracking and approval... Ideas?
Analyst: What if we got a couple midgets, and bought a few Etch A Sketches...?
1932 Wildcat Canyon Road
San Diego, California
12PM And Will It Require Me to Stop Playing Solitaire?
Account executive: We are going to need to traffic that ad out by Friday.
Traffic manager: What does 'traffic' mean?
Birmingham, Alabama
11AM You Should See Me Paddle Myself
Male coworker #1: Oh, come on. You know you wanted to be in a frat.
Male coworker #2: I am a frat of one.
Linden Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Ethan Holbrook
10AM Or Is That Just Maryland?
Boss: It smells good in here! What is that? Grape?
Female employee: Uh, no, it's cranberry. Cranberry room spray.
Boss, after long pause: So, did you just fart or something?
4511 Knox Road
College Park, Maryland
9AM It's the Aftermath That's a Real Debacle
Single coworker: I tell ya -- sex with crazy girls is great!
Sierra Vista, Arizona
Overheard by: Damn psychopharmaceuticals...
5PM Wait -- What?
Worker bee: Did somebody clean over here?
Manager: Yeah. Remember that day you took a picture of my butt?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Um, It's a Bible
Coworker to another holding book: Go to the vagina page!
Christmas party
Richfield, Minnesota
3PM I Wouldn't Wait
IT guy #1: Yeah, it's my grandmother's one hundredth birthday next March.
IT guy #2: Wow, really?
IT guy #1: Yup. I'm going to send her a strip-o-gram.
7th street and 7th Avenue
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
2PM Are You Unclear on What We Do Here?
Plaintiff: Yo, son, who is you to be judgin' me?
Civil court judge: I am the judge. It's my job to judge you.
Plaintiff: Whatever, yo.
Supreme Court
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: RP
1PM And I Have That Phrase on a Plaque in My Cubicle
Web developer #1: This is going to be ugly, but I'm going to do it anyway.
Web developer #2: That's what she said.
Web developer #1: Even I wasn't expecting that one.
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
12PM Or We Could Just Play Darts on a Photo of Mel Gibson Again
Bimbette news assistant: I'm going to go to Target tonight and find something real Jewish and bring it in... Oooh, maybe I could find a piñata -- a Jewish piñata... With a menorah for a tail.
1401 Shop Road
Columbia, South Carolina
11AM When the Blood-Dimmed Tide Is Loosed
20-ish peon #1: I have to go and see my sister and her new baby.
20-ish peon #2: You'll come back smelling like babies. I love that smell.
20-ish peon #3: They smell like uterus.
Parliament Place
West Perth
Australia
10AM Your Sausages Bite?
Asian boss on phone: Where are you at right now? Oh, Miami?! I hate the mosquitoes there! They bite me like a sausage!
11020 Rush Street
Los Angeles, California
9AM Why Work Holidays Exist
Worker #1: This information she sent me isn't right at all. It says 'GMT,' but there's too many time zones.
Worker #2: GMT is General Mountain Time.
Worker #1: I know that already. I'm going to call her now to show her how wrong she is.
Worker #3: Get off the phone before you make an ass of yourself. Didn't either of you ever hear of Greenwich Mean Time?
Worker #2: I guess we're not as sophisticated as you.
Worker #3: Sophisticated? Most grade schoolers know that.
Worker #1, hanging up phone: You remind me of my ex.
Worker #3: If he had to put up with nonsense like that, I understand why he left.
Worker #1: I left him; he didn't leave me.
Worker #3: Is he grateful for this?
Worker #1: You make me sick.
Worker #3: Was it something I said?
500 West Cummings Park
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Charlise
5PM Until She Went "Peekaboo!"
Office girl #1: She couldn't find my cervix. My cervix!
Office girl #2: You do know everyone can hear you, right?
Office girl #1: No, no, wait -- she found it, she just couldn't see it!
43rd Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Can't We Ever Discuss Religion or Politics?
Legal assistant on phone: I said I don't like talking about MySpace! ... Because it always starts a fight!
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
3PM Worst. Staff Meeting. Ever.
Office girl: Hey! I haven't seen you in a while, how've you been?
Office guy: Oh, I guess you haven't heard. Half my ear was bit off [turns to show bandaged ear].
Office girl: Oh my god, that's awful! Human or animal?
Office guy: Human.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM They Will Go on Forever Like This If Not Stopped
Cube guy #1: I'm gonna need your help today getting into the client.
Cube guy #2: Didn't you do what I told you to do yesterday?
Cube guy #1: Oh, yeah. That worked -- I got in from the back end, but I want to get in the front of the box.
Cube guy #2: Well, to get in the front end of the client you need to follow a very different procedure.
Cube guy #1: Right, that's what I need. I'm hoping you could give me a little direction if you've ever done it that way.
Cube guy #2: Sure, that's the way I usually go in.
Internet company
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
1PM When Gay Men Write Action Movie Scripts
Library worker to another: His hair was his Achilles' heel.
441 East Fordham Road, Fordham University's Walsh Library
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: Krisztina
12PM To Summarize Our 86-Page Status Report
Earnest cube rat: If it's ready on time, it will be ready. But if it's not ready on time, then it won't be ready.
14455 North Hayden Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cubey McCuberton
11AM Wait 'til He Discusses "Rectifying" the Situation
Presenter, during company-wide meeting: As this slide demonstrates, the company did it in arrears. [Giggling from the back, and presenter sighs.] Yes, your mom and I did it in arrears. Moving on...
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Christin
10AM You Can Come If You Want
Lady worker: There's a party in my uterus!
South Park Circle
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Meg
9AM They're Equally Irrelevant to Intellectual Nutrition
Teacher: Do you all know your Roman numerals?
Student: Yeah -- aren't them those noodles you eat?
Rosedale Street
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: MsTchr4678
5PM I Swear, This Has Never Happened to Me Before
Male boss to female receptionist: Don't worry about it. Your finger just got excited, is all.
1120 G Street NW
Washington, DC
4PM How You Know Your Coworker's a Virgin
Younger guy peon: You know, I've never had any experience with ladies from the Pacific Rim.
Older guy peon: Really? Well, lemme tell you something. Their hair down there is dark, straight, and soft.
Younger guy peon, thoughtfully: ... Like a puppy dog's ears?
Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Beef and Ale
3PM Nebraska?
Fashionista: We live in the dumbest world on the planet.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM PETA May Have Gone Too Far This Time
Bimbette coworker: They're gonna skin your mother-in-law and give it to a zebra!
860 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
1PM Or Give Us Little Cuts with Value Rewards Cards
Cashier: Do you have a value rewards card?
Girl: No.
Cashier: Would you like to sign up for a value rewards card?
Girl: No, thank you.
Cashier: Sorry, we have to ask or they take us out back and beat us.
Pentagon City Mall
Arlington, Virginia
12PM You Do?
Manager: I can't do that to the client! Don't you see the cart before the horse here? It's chicken and egg!
VP: Yeah, but if you wanna run with the wolves--
Manager: --It's lying down with dogs and getting up with fleas!
VP: Yeah, I see your point...
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
11AM Then I Want You to Stay on the Phone with Me 'til He Gets Here
Customer: Can you tell me if the installer is running on time today?
CSR: I have no way of knowing that, sir. Your appointment is scheduled between twelve and four today. If the installer is not there by four, then you can call back and we can tell you that he is running late.
Enfield, Connecticut
10AM The Air Down There?
Boss: I would totally be in a movie about farting!
Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois
9AM It's the Core of Who I Am
Office peon #1: Was I talking to you about mint bowls?
Office peon #2: No, but I have had this conversation with many people, many times.
Atlee Station Road
Mechanicsville, Virginia
5PM Lime Green Stretch Pants
Male employee to female employee: It's like you're stuck in a really bad version of The Devil Wears Prada, except this time the devil wears Lane Bryant stretch pants...
75 Hawthorne Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: At Least I Wear H&M...
4PM I'm Almost Sorry I'm Going to Have to Destroy You
Worker #1: Today is the longest day of sunshine.
Worker #2: What if it rains?
Worker #1: The sun doesn't go down when it rains.
Worker #2: But it's not out.
Worker #1: Yeah, but it doesn't go down! ... You are so pretty!
Portland, Texas
Overheard by: Kayte
3PM Yes, I Know They All Smell Bad
Curator on cell: So, have you found the dead artist yet?
Art gallery
London
England
2PM A Few Are Really Overweight
Study abroad agent: We currently have 10 students in dozens of countries.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
1PM What Smoke-Free Non-Coffee-Drinkers Do on Work Breaks
Reporter to another on deadline day: Hey, you wanna go kick each other in the balls and forget it's Thursday?
81st Street and Harvard Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: I don't have balls, but I know the feeling
12PM What the Hell Am I Doing Up in This Helicopter?
Boss: ... And the first thing I thought was, 'I can't read this without liquor!'
6900 Main Street
Stratford, Connecticut
11AM The Liars Are Our Clients
Five-year-old boy, visiting dad's law firm: I wish I could work here. One day, I'm gonna become a liar so I can work here.
Father: 'Lawyer.' It's pronounced lawyer.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: amco
10AM Next Time, I Think I'll Outsource
Woman in stall: I can do it... I know I can do it! ... I did it! [Flush.]
Third bathroom stall over
San Dimas, California
Overheard by: badfishey
9AM Scene from the Long-Awaited Sequel 65-Year-Old Virgin
Mail guy: Do you play soccer?
Office girl: No.
Mail guy: Oh, you look like a soccer player.
Office girl: Cool.
Mail guy: Do you like wet food or dry food?
Walnut Hill Lane and U.S. 75
Dallas, Texas
5PM Yeah, but I Always Do
Designer #1: Hey Susan*, did you have a traditional Pearl Harbor celebration?
Designer #2: Yes, I did. I--
Designer #1, interrupting: --Did you make airplane noises on the drive home?
495 Union Avenue
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: one cubicle over
4PM I Got That Ages Ago
Mom: Oooh, guess what I got while I was in Atlanta yesterday?
Daughter, faking excitement: Herpes?!
Mom: No, I got-- Wait, what?!
Mall
Georgia
Overheard by: P-Nuckle
3PM Some Fortune Cookies Get Lost in Translation
Intern: Today is not your year.
3250 Mary Street
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: my today wasn't so bad
2PM Other Than a List of Unmarried Employees in Bullet-Point Format?
Peon: Will there be an agenda at the holiday party?
42 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM And I Haven't Even Gotten Started on Helen's Yeast Issues
Coworker #1: Hey, does anyone here have the athlete's foot?
Coworker #2: Not currently... But I think Jerry* has jock itch.
Coworker #1: Thanks. You've been real helpful.
Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
Overheard by: disease free
12PM But All It Said Was "Please Remember to Recycle"
Female sales exec: Did you get that e-mail I sent you?
Male sales exec: Yeah.
Female sales exec: What'd you think?
Male sales exec: I'd give it a 90 percent.
Female sales exec: What made you take 10 off?
Male sales exec: It didn't say anything about Jesus being the savior. I mean, that's why we celebrate Christmas. You can't have Christmas without Easter.
Female sales exec: Oh.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: So I can't call it Xmas?
11AM Unlike Tap Dancers?
Electronics clerk: If I were a tap dancer, I'd tap dance all over the store.
Jewelry clerk: Like this? [Flails arms and pretends to tap dance.]
Electronics clerk: No... That was gay.
2600 Midland Boulevard
Ft. Smith, Arizona
Overheard by: i love my job
10AM Dessert!
Office chick on phone: My mom is making me a huge meal tonight for my birthday... Bacon-wrapped filet mignon with blue cheese on top, Caesar salad, and roasted potatoes.
Neighboring cube guy: I just nutted a little on my keyboard.
4004 East Chapel Hill Parkway
Durham, North Carolina
9AM It's Just a Little Excited, That's All
Nurse #1: Well, then what in the hell is the difference between a threesome and a gangbang? Are there specific rules?
Nurse #2: I guess... I tried it with my boyfriend and my roommate once...
Sickly patient: Excuse me... Is my IV supposed to be leaking?
Emergency Room
St. Louis, Missouri
5PM As Jessica Simpson Advises in Her Autobiography
Company lawyer to copywriter: It may be wrong or stupid, but if so, we want to be consistently stupid.
Chatsworth, California
4PM And I Meant What I Said about the Mullet
Sales assistant on phone: What? I thought you were a boy. Well, as long as they don't match.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: what?
3PM Or I'll Go All Yahoo on Your Ass
Supervisor: Did you find it yet?
Intern, looking on Internet: No, I'm still looking.
Supervisor: Did you Google it?
Intern: Yeah, couldn't find it.
Supervisor, yelling: Well, then Google harder!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Rumpleforeskin
2PM ... And the Priest Pronounced Us Man and Wife
Excited employee to boss: ... And then I punched the raccoon...
Lumber yard office
Boise, Idaho
Overheard by: Michael
1PM What Have You Been Doing to Your Nose?
Sales guy: Does anyone else smell hot dogs and sauerkraut?
Sales chick: Ummm... There's doughnuts in the conference room.
Sales guy: I bet that's it!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Putting Everclear in the Company Water Cooler Turned Out Poorly
Grunt #1: Hey, Stan*! How are you, man?
Grunt #2: Well, my liver hurts.
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM Everybody Knows It's "I-N-N-E-R-N-E-T"
Employee #1, looking at intranet option of business transactions menu: Hey, look! Heh. These morons spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Employee #2: No, they didn't.
Employee #1: Yes, they did. See?
Employee #2: No, an intranet is different than the Internet. It's sort of like a private version of the Internet for corporations and organizations.
Employee #1: Oh, seriously? Damn, look at you, making me feel all stupid and shit. I've never heard of that before in my life. I bet you're the only one here who knows that. Look, I'll prove it to you. [Calls boss over.] Look, they spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Boss: Oh, I know! Isn't it funny? Yeah, those morons at corporate can't spell!
Hackensack, New Jersey
10AM Defined My Terms Nicely
Female coworker: I hope he doesn't mind that I wrote my report in eyeliner.
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM NewsFlash: New Yorkers Cuss. Film at Eleven.
Big nose: What's your favorite swear or curse word?
Big ass: Fuuuck.
Big nose: What the fuck?
Big ass: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Big nose: It's so fucking hot.
Big ass: I'm gonna fuck you up.
Big nose: You are so fucked.
Big ass: I just got fucked.
Big nose: Wanna fuck?
Big ass: Fuck me. [Pause, then] Shit, my boss is coming.
Big nose: We'll resume this again tomorrow, Fuckface.
Big ass: Haha, you win.
Big nose: I always do.
130 West 42nd Street
New York, New York
5PM How You Know You're Not Giving Your Underlings Enough Work
20-something coworker on phone: You know, if you spray keyboard duster in your ear, it gives you a mega head rush.
745 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Say What?
4PM Not after They Peed on My Desk!
Female coworker sitting on desk: Do you want to pet my shoes?
20 Guest Street
Brighton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: not if they bite
3PM Or We Could Just Get Drunk on Punch and Have Sub-Par Sex, Like Usual?
Cube rat #1: Hey, didn't they have one of those money-tubes here at the Thanksgiving party last year?
Cube rat #2: Yeah, where you jump in and catch the money? I got 20 bucks!
Cube rat #1: Hmmm. They should do something festive for the holiday... like canned hams in the tube!
2131 3rd Avenue
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Amused
2PM A Troop of Boy Scouts Disappeared in There in 1985
Female employee #1: I can't wear thong underwear, because they go up into my pussy crack.
Female employee #2: What?! How big are you down there?
Female employee #1: Oh, it's fucking huge.
Fontana, California
1PM Um, All I Asked Was, "What's My Total?"
50-year-old woman cashier to customer: ... And then I had to chase them with my pants down, and I hadn't even gotten the chance to wipe yet!
17111 Haggerty Road
Northville, Michigan
12PM Police Interrogators Aren't As Crafty As They Appear on TV
Coworker: So, you went hunting last night?
Cube neighbor: Yup.
Coworker: Do you gut the deer yourself?
Cube neighbor: Yup.
Coworker: So... I guess you know what the inside of a human looks like, then, right?
701 East Byrd Street
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Did she just say that?
11AM The Dirty Little Secret of American Musical Theater
Lady peon #1: Man. I gave my mom her Christmas gift last night -- you know, that DVD I got her yesterday -- Rent.
Lady peon #2: Yeah.
Lady peon #1: Then I had to sit through two hours of that shit.
Lady peon #2: Is it that bad?
Lady peon #1: Nah, it ain't that bad. It's just all that damn singing...
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jake
10AM He Asked What I Thought of Our New Mission Statement
Analyst #1: I pooped next to the CEO today.
Analyst #2: Like, in his office?
1 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Paul
9AM But Now I'll Just Make a Bundle Suing You for Harassment
Teen employee: I'm so worried about getting into college. Although, I really don't know what I want to do with my life.
Middle-aged boss: You'd make a great stripper.
Teen employee: You know, I've considered it.
Bookstore
New York, New York
Overheard by: I guess I won't apply for a job after all
5PM Who Leaves a Saber Lying around, Anyway?
Cube jockey #1: Attack me now like how you are talking about.
Cube jockey #2: If I attack you horizontally, it will cut open your middle.
Cube jockey #1: I know. That's okay. Do it anyway.
Santa Clara, California
4PM So It Looks Good in Tight Buns?
VP to general counsel: A nine-inch wiener is a nine-inch wiener. You've got to make it look pretty.
850 Bryant Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: IC Balaam
3PM Don't Let That Cut into Your 20% Napping Time
Marketing director: Eighty percent of what we do is called 'wasting time.'
Massachusetts Avenue NE
Washington, DC
2PM Or, You Know, Actual India
Male coworker to female, after lunch: I can't believe that you wouldn't eat anything but white rice at the Indian restaurant. You'd never make it at Epcot.
St. Petersburg, Florida
1PM God, I Love Doing That to Her
Manager: So, we should totally take a consensuous on that with the entire team.
Employee: Consensus.
Manager: What?
Employee: Consensus.
Manager, laughing: I should totally carry around a thesaurius with me! [Employee walks away.]
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: BeeMonstre
12PM Probably Shouldn't Take 'Em in the Office, Though
Cube rat to another: Yay! I love the blue pills! Yaaay!
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: i want some
11AM It's Like She Won't Even Make an Effort to Be Normal
Woman peon, going to holiday party: So, did you RSVP to this, or just talk to Sandy*?
Bimbette peon: I RSVP-ed -- it's so rude not to. I have a friend who I always invite out, and she never comes.
Woman peon: I hate one-sided friendships.
Bimbette peon: Yeah, I mean, she has MS, but she's always using it as an excuse not to go out. I leave her phone messages, and her husband will call me back and say that she can't go out because her MS is bad. I mean, come on!
Woman peon: That's terrible. How long has she had it?
Bimbette peon: Since I've known her... So, 1995. But, I mean, can't you take a pill for something like that and be okay for a while? The least she could do is return a phone call.
8521 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Lindsay
10AM Tides Me Over 'Til I Can Get Out to My Anarchist Compound
Boss: What's your password? I want to sign in and test the new system we set up.
Office gal: 'Detonate.'
Boss: [Silence.]
Office gal: What? I like typing 'Detonate' and hitting 'Enter'! It's extremely satisfying!
60 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
9AM Or I Might Mock You and Never Let This Die
Australian employee: What's your expression for 'Back of the fag packet'?
American employee: First, you'll have to tell me what a 'fag packet' is. Then I might be able to help.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
5PM Whatever For?
Trainer: My wife collects bolts of fabric and weaponry... I collect books, DVDs, and Black Plague memorabilia...
Attendee: Ummm, I collect coins...
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: Bored in Training
4PM Just When You Thought It Would Be Dull to Live in Texas
Reporter on phone: On that naked guy story, was that 18-wheeler his? ... Is he out of jail yet? ... He was slippery?
Beaumont, Texas
3PM Why Grant Took Richmond, but Then Gave It Back
Worker bee: Oh, this is an ear. I thought it was something else.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: usual suspect
2PM That, and the Floral Mumus
Lady peon looking at clothing ad from '70s: The sad thing is, how many people in this died from AIDS?
6000 Southport Road
Portage, Indiana
Overheard by: Justin Russo
1PM Anyone Else Just Have a Startling Realization about the Energizer Bunny?
Order entry lady: It's like they're chasing each other around the apartment!
Shipping manager: Maybe they are.
Order entry lady: Well, he's a little [whispers] fag. So, you know...
Shipping manager: Oh, yeah! Them people stay up all night! They got extra energy!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM Time to Stop Having Dinner at Mel Gibson's House
Jewish manager: I got your e-mail about XYZ Spring Company* not being able to make that spring.
Office girl: Yeah, those dirty-- Ugh!
Jewish manager: It's okay, it's okay!
Office girl: They just keep quoting stuff, and when I give them an order they decide they can't do it because they are little pieces--! Ugh! Never mind!
Jewish manager: Are you okay?
Office girl: Yeah... I'm just trying to be Christian today.
Jewish manager: ... Good for you. [Walks away.]
Office girl, from a distance: I need to say more things in my head. I think I'm fired now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM I Look Forward to Your Sermon This Sunday
UPS guy: Wow. Don't you look fancy today!
Man in office: Nah, these are actually my stripping clothes.
UPS guy: Oh, really? The ladies must love that.
Man in office: Yeah, they have a Velcro crotch. It's pretty awesome.
UPS guy: Whelp, see you later.
1160 Pioneer Road
Salt Lake City, Utah
10AM ... Than Having Him in the Oval Office for the Past Eight Years
Lawyer: If he was downstairs in the Girl Scout's uniform, that would've been even better.
43rd Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
9AM The Snatch Catch?
Female peon: Did you cock-block me last night?
Supervisor: No, I don't think so.
Male peon #1: Wait -- is there a female equivalent to the cock-block?
Male peon #2, after long pause: Vag glue?
East 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Chris J.
5PM ... Are Fired
Director, during brainstorming session: You and your colon!
3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: George
4PM Well Ms. Lohan Can Afford It
Suit, about lady smoking crack on stoop: Isn't she a little dressed up for a crackwhore?
3008 Lincoln Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Not smoking any
3PM A Clear Violation of Alaska Law
Coworker #1: Tuesday through Friday, and then Monday and Tuesday The Simpsons Movie is playing at the [nearby theater].
Coworker #2: Didn't you see it already and say that it sucked?
Coworker #1: Yes, but I was sober.
Library
Anchorage, Alaska
2PM Mrs. Fields Has Her Fingers in a Lot of Pies
Sweet-looking old lady on phone: What's the word on the street? Yeah, that little girl will do just fine... I told her it doesn't hurt. Well, if you get a good client, it doesn't hurt... Well, I've got twenty... Great, bye!
University
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Terrified Co-Worker
1PM I Don't Know Why I Married Him in the First Place
Accounting clerk: I like this vibrator, but he won't stand up straight.
Mebane, North Carolina
Overheard by: Making accounting more fun
12PM I Haven't Received Any Complaint Messages
Coworker #1, to editor: Do you know where the call-in phone number on the back of XYZ Publication* goes to?
Coworker #2: I have no idea.
Coworker #1: Well, [boss] called the other day and asked where it went to. I called it just now, and it answers with the voice of Dana*, but she hasn't worked here in seven months!
Coworker #2, looking at Dana's empty desk area: I guess that it just goes to her phone, and whoever gets that extension will get all of the messages.
Coworker #1: So it doesn't matter to you that readers might be calling in and leaving messages that are not being returned?
Coworker #2: No.
45 Leveroni Court
Novato, California
11AM You Have to Go to Metaphor School before You Can Be a Manager
Manager #1: My roommate is acting a little off.
Manager #2: What do you mean?
Manager #1: It's like her elevator doesn't go to the top anymore.
Staff: You have an elevator in your house?
Sonoma, California
10AM ... In a Cardboard Box Labeled "Sports Equipment"
40-ish cube dweller #1: Hey, do you have a Star Trek costume I can borrow?
40-ish cube dweller #2: Why are you asking me? Why didn't you ask Kevin*? What makes you think that I have one?
40-ish cube dweller #1: Well, do you?
40-ish cube dweller #2: Yes. [Very long pause.] But only the shirt. It's a blue one like Spock wore. I also have the tricorder and the gold sash from the 'Mirror, Mirror' episode. I'll bring it in tomorrow.
Lexington Street
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM ... Greg.
Shouting man on cell: Titty-fucking is sex, honey! You promised!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM That Flogger Really Brings Out Your Eyes
Teacher: If you wish to have a discussion, raise your hand and I will call on you if you are worthy enough.
Student: I love you?
140 Brandies Road
Newton, Massachusetts
4PM Dude, She Wants You to Ask Why -- Don't Do It
Female worker bee: Next time I make popcorn, I'm putting it in my pants.
Columbus Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM No, No, Wait -- a Parking Meter!
Biology teacher: So, in conclusion, diffusion is ions separating from an area of high concentration to an area of low concentration.
15-year-old blonde: So it's like an orange, right?
High school
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Overheard by: jess
2PM At the Bad Pick-Up Line Quarterfinals
Client: There are a lot of things you can eat that aren't food.
Photo studio
Culver City, California
1PM And I Thought I'd Erased Your Memory of That Incident
Owner: So, Gary*, did you ever tell Lou* that he could not get a check for any steel order we needed?
Gary: No, no, no, I have never done that.
Lou: What about last week?
Gary: Well, we didn't have any money then.
Provo, Utah
Overheard by: Poking my eyes out
12PM ... Speaking of Crap.
20-ish woman peon #1: So, I started my cleanse this week--
20-ish woman peon #2: --Wait, are we talking about poop again? Why are we always talking about poop? Aren't we a little young for this? [Others stare blankly.] Well, I am strangely comfortable with it. [Others keep staring, so #2 leaves, griping] I hate Oprah.
44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM And Be Miserable?
President: Thank you for coming to our annual Christmas party. Where do you work?
New guy's new girl: I'm in private wealth management.
President: You seem very nice. Can I give you one piece of advice?
New guy's new girl: Sure.
President: Don't wait too long to get married and have kids.
1 Cranberry Hill
Lexington, Massachusetts
10AM You Thinking What I'm Thinking?
Lady peon: Argh! John* is so retarded!
Male peon: You say that about everyone. According to you, we could get a tax break with all the mentally handicapped people we employ...
Speer Boulevard and Zuni Avenue
Denver, Colorado
9AM ... While Janelle Gets a Towel for Her Chair
Trainer: Let's go around and have each of us tell the class some juicy, private thing about ourselves that the rest of us might not know.
Trainee: I don't want to tell anything about my juicy privates... Uh, juicy... Um... Anything private.
Trainer: ... Okay... Next?
810 3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
5PM When They're in the Litter Box, It's Payback Time!
Middle-aged cashier to customer: Sometimes, when I'm on the toilet pooping, my cats come in and bite my feet!
Plymouth, Michigan
4PM Sounds Peachy, Ed.
Office manager: I wonder if I should bleach my snatch.
3301 Mulford Road
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: broodingsoul
3PM It Helps That He's a Golden Retriever
Lady peon: I really want to fuck him, but I can't. I'm trying to be monogamous in my non-relationship relationship.
Club restroom
Anchorage, Alaska
2PM Good to See the Propellor Beanie Making a Comeback
Office peon: So, that guy with the little hat on -- he's the president?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM For the Last Time, Attending to Your Cuticles Isn't Your "Job"
Receptionist: Ugh! I don't understand how I can do my job when the phone keeps ringing!
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: doing her job
12PM But She's All, "I'm Three Years Old, Daddy!"
Boss: I need her strapped to her desk with a phone in her ear at all times... I need her making money.
41 East 11th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
11AM But Apparently Mom Needed That Medicine to Breathe...
IT girl on phone: ... So when she sent that e-mail saying 'ASAP,' I waited 'til five PM, just to be hateful.
4801 Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri
10AM It's All the Asparagus I Eat
Cube rat #1: You want a squirt of this stuff?
Cube rat #2: Sure, I'd like a squirt of your stuff.
Cube rat #1: I just love the ways this stuff smells.
Cube rat #2: And it feels great, also!
Slokie, Illinois
Overheard by: Electrical Estimator
9AM Why Do You Wheeze While Asking Me That?
Coworker #1: ... Kind of scary. I just don't know how I feel about that.
Coworker #2: It's not a big deal. It's a game. It's fun.
Coworker #1: Oh... So, wait -- do they eat the dreidel?
West 58th Street
New York, New York
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