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December 2007 Archives
5PM And Apologies in Advance to Tom, Dick, and Harry
Manager, during meeting: ... And we just don't want any Joe Schmoe helping people on the phone... No offense, Joe.
Joe, phone answerer: Mmm.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Celebratious
4PM Out of What?
Junior art director: I have 44 minutes to make a baby.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: wha?
3PM We're Right on Top of That, Senator
Coworker on cell: So, my friend was like, 'Dude, they might not let you get on a plane...' So how do I found out if there's a warrant out for my arrest?
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
2PM So Why Has It Made Britney So Miserable?
Sweet-natured office chick: I'm starting to realize I'm just a selfish little bitch, and now I'm much, much happier!
Centre Street
New York, New York
1PM She's Moving Very Fast
Office guy #1: Look! There goes the cocaine lady! You should try to catch her!
Office guy #2: Damn, she's gone! Maybe next time.
Clackamas, Oregon
Overheard by: Stephanie
12PM Because Now I Have to Go See
Manager: I was walking my dog this morning when I felt a pain in a very private place, so I ran inside my house and pulled my pants down in my living room, and a fire ant had bitten me on my you-know-what!
Employee: Ouch?
Manager: It really itches. I keep going to the bathroom and pulling down my pants and looking at it and touching it, but I'm scared to put any medicine on my private place.
Employee: Oh. That is a problem.
Manager: I know. Oh, I'm itching again, I'll be right back. [Goes to the restroom.]
Employee, to coworker: I'm picturing her 50-year-old, ant-bitten vagina right now, and I want to stab myself to get that image out of my head.
Sandwich shop
South Carolina
11AM Relax -- Clearly Not about You
Coworker #1, writing a vacuum product description: Does 'extra long' have a hyphen in it?
Coworker #2: Dude, are you writing spam?
58th Street and 1st Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
10AM When the Boss Is Happy, We Can All Relax
Boss, quietly singing: I'm a chubby little monkey, monkey, monkey -- I'm a chubby little monkey...
Harris Street
Pyrmont
Australia
Overheard by: i am too!
9AM A Description Best Reserved for Martha Stewart
Black woman, before an interview: I'll let you do the talkin', 'cause you're a code cracker.
White dude: ... What?!
Black woman: You know -- you can read between the lines and figure out if she's telling the truth.
White dude: I thought you just called me a 'cold crackah'!
SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: The real cold cracker
5PM I Keep Voting Them into Office
Cube dweller on phone: I have this thing with gaping voids...
1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
4PM Is That Supposed to Make Me Feel Better?
Redhead peon: I think I'm getting a migraine.
Blonde peon: Well, like... At least your butt's not peeling!
44135 5 Mile Road
Plymouth, Michigan
3PM ... And Could You Say That Again, into This Recorder?
CFO: Well, don't you look dolled up today! What is the occasion?
Payroll: It's the first day of my sexual harassment litigation...
Kirkland, Washington
Overheard by: oops
2PM But That Was Just with Money.
Supervisor: Good job!
Needy peon: Really?
Supervisor: Yes, of course! Why don't you ever believe me?
Needy peon: 'Cause last week I said, 'I trust you,' and you said, 'Oh, God, don't do that!'
Supervisor: Oh, yeah...
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM What? It Worked for Davy Crockett
Female coworker: First, let me choke a bear...
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM Roger Decides to Have a Protein Shake at His Desk
Male cube rat: What are we doing for lunch? I'm craving meat.
Female cube rat #1, grinning: What kind of meat?
Male cube rat: Hmmm... A big, juicy steak, with a side of fried chicken.
Female cube rat #2: How about a Reuben sandwich?
Male cube rat: No, no, I don't want female meat -- I want man meat!
All within earshot: Reeeally?!
Male cube rat: Awww, crap.
2916 21st Street NE
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Neverlivingitdown
11AM You Know, Killing All Those Spades
Boss, holding meeting: So, you want to handle this thing?
Female employee: No.
Boss: What's the matter? You can't handle Harlem at night?
Female employee: No.
Boss: Faggot.
Queer employee: I'm surprised you used that word.
Boss: What? 'Faggot'?
Queer employee: Yes.
Boss: Obviously I don't think she's gay. I said 'faggot' in the sense of, you know, a sissy. No guts.
Drama queen employee: Besides, you faggots call each other 'faggot' all the time. I know you do.
Queer employee: I guess.
Boss: Glad we settled that. [To female employee] Now... I expect you to take your sissy ass to Harlem and take care of this thing.
Law firm
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
10AM Wasn't There a Rule about Only Making New Rules on Even-Numbered Days?
Mailroom girl #1: Ugh! No speaking in French while I'm counting mail!
Mailroom girl #2: Sweet Jesus, every day there's a new rule!
Ft. Lowell and Alvernon
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: dances with wolverines
9AM Sacrilicious!
Tech, watching movie trailer online: Man, that's delicious. It's like drinking Jesus's sperm.
Hyde Park
Austin, Texas
5PM As Long As It Doesn't Cut into Our Coke-Snorting Time
Suit #1: So, where are we going?
Suit #2: Does it matter? We're going there.
Suit #1: I don't care about the food, I just want to know I can get a drink.
Suit #2: It's a lunch place, but yeah, it has a bar.
Suit #1: Good.
Suit #2: Is that all you're going to do for the next two weeks? Drink during lunch?
Suit #1: Mmm-hmmm.
Suit #2: Oh... I guess that's okay.
485 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
4PM You'll Look Just Like Justin Timberlake
Drone: Just shave your bum fluff off and stick on your face!
Canberra
Australia
3PM And I'd Like the Singing Version of All Three
Resident: What brings you here today?
Patient waiting for mammogram, pap smear, and colonoscopy: I'm here for a mammogram, a twat-o-gram, and an ass-o-gram.
Hospital, 1000 Blythe Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Her Kids Get Beaten Up Every School Day
Fashion exec on phone: Did you smell your shorts yet?
Bridgewater, New Jersey
Overheard by: I smelled them too
1PM Could I Have My Head Grafted onto Your Torso?
Annoying female worker: I feel so left out... Can I just move my desk next to yours?
Manager: Absolutely not.
Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Drone
12PM Damn Those Ninja Shoes
Sales assistant #1: Man, I hate Glen* -- becomes a manager and gets all crazy.
Sales assistant #2: What's he makin' you do?
Sales assistant #1: Sweep the whole service alley! Man, sometimes I just wanna hit that guy. I've been here two years, and he makes me, the head sales assistant, do the crap work.
Sales assistant #2: [Stares.]
Sales assistant #1: He's right behind me, isn't he?
Sales assistant #2: Yup.
3709 East Central Texas Expressway
Killeen, Texas
11AM All Right, All Right, I'll Like It.
Assistant on phone with sales rep: Allen*, what was going on with that part for Darin*?
Allen: It'll be in here in the morning. I'm going to drive it down there, and I'm probably going to have to blow him, but I won't like it!
Assistant on phone: He said they'll... Wait... What did you say, Allen?!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Like You Haven't Wondered What Happened to Her?
Worker bee: Is that Phylicia Rashad on top of our tree?
Fairfax, Virginia
9AM Until I Woke Up Topless on the Jungle Gym with the Kids Staring at Me
Assistant, about the company holiday party: Shit, I didn't even know where I was! I had the best time!
Beverly Boulevard and Fairfax Avenue
West Hollywood, California
5PM Jeez, They're Not Lawnmowers, Okay?
Coworker: Maybe when my first cat dies from misuse...
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
4PM Of Course, Now I'll Have to Sue Him
CSR: Stan* filled my pipeline with so much hardware it made my whole third quarter.
Hilton Head, South Carolina
3PM It's More Humane to Act Like a Jerk Until They Break Up with Me
Dispatcher, deciding whether to continue an affair: I'm not very good at, like, breaking hearts, y'know?
Seattle, Washington
2PM I Had a Very Progressive High School Biology Teacher
Cube monkey #1: It's not like there are a lot of straight people at this office to sleep with.
Cube monkey #2: You could sleep with the IT guy -- Harold*.
Cube monkey #1: Ew, he's a whore. I don't want to get crotch rot.
Cube monkey #2: What on earth is crotch rot? I've never heard of that.
Cube monkey #3: Not only have I heard of it, I have smelled it!
731 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Anna
1PM As It States Clearly on My Medical Alert Bracelet
Lab tech, during fire evacuation: Paul*, get out of the shade. It's not in the safety zone.
Paul: But I'm fat. I can't stand in the sun.
650 Cathill Road
Sellersville, Pennsylvania
12PM Regardless, Could You Put Yours On?
Coworker: Wow, you have a totally different view of the world when you're wearing pants...
Boulder, Colorado
11AM Though He Has Been Tallying the Days in Crayon on His Crib Wall
Worker #1: How's everything with the baby?
Worker #2: He seems to be pleased with his accommodations. At least he hasn't complained verbally.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
10AM And I Don't Want to Be Distracted by the Hypnotic Movement of Your Fat
Fat male boss: So, how are you feeling these days?
Slim, seven-months-pregnant admin assistant: Pretty good, but my back is starting to hurt a little from the 17 pounds I've gained.
Fat male boss: You know, you're going to want to watch that. That weight isn't easy to take off once you've put it on.
Zeeland, Michigan
Overheard by: So glad I no longer work for him
9AM Buddha: There Is a Way, but You Won't Like It
Frustrated coworker: This karma thing has got to stop!
Husargatan 3 Uppsala
Sweden
5PM President Bush Defines "Democracy"
Office grunt on phone: I absolutely agree... with myself!
1 Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
4PM ... She Was Telling Me a Pointless Story.
Eager peon: Did I tell you I had a dream about Whoopi? It's so funny, because -- and you'll find this funny -- it's so weird, I promise you. I had this dream with Whoopi, I guess because she's on The View now, and I had this the weekend before she was on The View, and I had this dream that it was just me and Whoopi and we were all alone--
Coworker, interrupting: --I had a dream about your mom.
Bank
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM ... Is What I Say to My Wife in Bed
Manager: If you want to get in on the Vulcan mind meld, you gotta come over here and chug some of this maple syrup.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
2PM Who Hasn't Felt That Way about Dr. Phil?
Cube monkey, looking at silly string: Aw, fuck it, let's just piss on him!
29305 Orchard Lake Road
Farmington Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Ron
1PM If You Wanna Be Ignorant All Your Life.
Phone support girl: You see where it says 'Title' at the top? Just fill that in.
Client on other line: What do you mean 'title'?
Phone support girl: You know... Like president, accounts receivable or payable... Whatever your title in your office is.
Client on other line: Can't I just put biotch?
Phone support girl: ... I guess if you wanted to...
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Only If You Give a Shit
QA guy #1: So, there's a bunch of shit going down with the shit. I was going to try and finish that shit, but then all of this shit came up. Can't they get the shit to work? I mean, get your fucking shit together. You know what I mean?
QA guy #2: I do. I totally do, man. It's worrisome.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
11AM I Had to Bite My Tongue Bloody, Though
Coworker #1: She keeps sending me e-mails from home, wanting me to do all this shit that can totally wait until she gets back in the office... She's supposed to be on vacation, for Christ's sake!
Coworker #2: So just tell her to back off!
Coworker #1: Nah... I e-mailed her and told her she should be using this time to relax and recharge, and that we would tackle this stuff once she's back in the office and refreshed from vacation.
Coworker #2: Wow... That's the most eloquent 'Fuck you' I've ever heard!
Carruthers Parkway
Franklin, Tennessee
Overheard by: quite impressed
10AM Chewbacca's Agent Finally Snaps
Worker bee: Your poor interpersonal communication skills are not my fault. They are my problem, because I have to deal with you, but they are not my fault.
519 Westport Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: DeadEyeDusty
9AM And Gently Style It
Female patron in upscale salon: My friends do everything their stylist says to. I'm like, 'Grow a set, already'!
Springfield, Virginia
Overheard by: James
5PM This Is My Concerned Face.
Lady suit: Well, if she is suicidal, she shouldn't be traveling alone...
Male suit, staring into distance: Mmm-hmmm.
Lady suit: ... Or drinking alone...
Male suit, staring into distance: Mmm-hmmm.
Penn Station
New York, New York
Overheard by: passerby
4PM Then I'll Get Promoted for Sure!
Manager: I'll just talk a lot... but not really say anything.
5800 South Quebec Street
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: leedle
3PM I'm Pretty Sure That's Illegal in Utah
Experienced stock broker: It's not a butterfly spread, it's a condor spread. Although, I'm not sure why it's called that -- the eagle is a more common big bird, so it should be an eagle sprea-- Oh.
Salt Lake City, Utah
2PM Could Be Worse. Could Be Foot Skin.
Male worker #1, pointing at desk: What is that?
Male worker #2: I don't know.
Male worker #1: It looks like a booger, and it's not mine!
Male worker #2: How do you know it's not yours? It's on your desk!
Male worker #1: Because I eat mine.
Male worker #2: Oh, God...
1574 South West Temple
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Shaun
1PM ... How Many of You Believe I Am a Douchebag?
Conference call leader: Okay, so, by a show of hands...
40th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
12PM Which Has Officially Been Changed to "Hey There Delilah"
Blonde peon: Oooh, this song is so pretty! I love it.
Male coworker: What, the 'Star-Spangled Banner'?
Blonde peon: No, the national anthem.
9055 East Mineral Circle
Centennial, Colorado
Overheard by: Aaron M Gomez
11AM By Virtue of Entertainment Not Provided
Suit #1: You can't deny that Bryant Gumbel is an entertainer.
Suit #2: Yes, you can.
77 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
10AM Remember Our Talk about "In Work" and "Out Of Work" Conversations?
President, referring to company's succession plan: I just want to hold out until it gets turned over to you guys. I want to see you guys take it.
Assistant: You see us take it every day.
Rodeo Park Drive
Santa Fe, New Mexico
9AM The Way Ugly Ideas Come Out of Missouri
Male coworker: So,what's new?
Female coworker, surfing the net: I don't know... Britney Spears had her kids taken away.
Male coworker: I heard about that.
Female coworker: They're not very cute, anyway.
Male coworker: It's because she has an ugly puss.
Female coworker: What?!
Male coworker: Women with ugly vaginas have ugly babies.
East Evergreen Street
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Sarah
5PM Chicken on a Plane Was a Disappointing Sequel
Consultant on phone: No, Sandy*, you are not allowed to take your pet chicken on the domestic flights.
Other line: [Muffled yelling.]
Consultant: Sandy, I have already told you -- even if it is in a cage, we do not allow pets in the cabin. Only guide dogs or police dogs. You will have to send it as cargo. [Other line hangs up.] Good God! Who the fuck wants to take a chicken away for summer vacation with them?!
Auckland
New Zealand
4PM The Perfect Time to Tell Him It's Not His Baby
Pregnant customer: Why didn't you tell me I had a zit under my nose?! I'm so freakin' embarrassed.
Husband: You need to be worried about that mustache, not that zit.
North Point Mall
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: wannabmilf
3PM If I Don't Give You the Visual, You'll Never Learn
Cube guy #1: Wow, that girl with Tina* is hot. Who is she?
Cube guy #2: That's her daughter.
Cube guy #1: Damn, man! Why isn't she my daughter?
Cube guy #2: What does that mean?
Cube guy #1: I dunno. I meant--
Cube guy #2: --Dude, that means you'd have to sleep with--
Cube guy #1: --I know, I know, I'm sorry! Messed up... You didn't have to give me the visual.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
2PM And Leap Weeks
Bimbette: Twenty days -- that's, like, five weeks, right?
Patient peon: No.
Bimbette: I mean, business days.
Patient peon: ... No.
Mercer Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: choking on giggles
1PM How Do You Expect Me to Work in Conditions Like This?
Annoying peon: Can you get on the internet? [To a second peon] Can you get on the Internet? [Shouts down hall] Can anyone get on the Internet?! Nothing will come up! I can't even get my usual porn sites to come up!
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM Ah, Now I Remember. "You're Fired."
New HR clerk: Hey, I forgot what I just said. What did I just say?
Old HR clerk: Sorry, but I'm still busy trying to remember your name.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM ... Or the Government Wouldn't Put Mind-Control Chemicals in Our Water
Manager in motivational meeting: Just try brainwashing yourself sometime. There is nothing wrong with being brainwashed.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: the other admin
10AM ... Into Your Socks
Boss #1: Did you have enough to eat today?
Boss #2: No.
Boss #1: I can tell -- you tucked in your shirt.
Kapiolani Boulevard
Honolulu, Hawaii
9AM And I Was Too Busy Listening to the Voices to Really Watch It
Peon: I've never seen a real-life fire before... Except for the one I started when I was in college.
40th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whatever
5PM Sadly, the Answer to "Where's the Bathroom?"
Consultant giving directions over phone: Yeah, it's like an hour away. An hour and a half at the most. Actually, it could be more like two hours... Or two and a half. Probably more like three. About four, I'd say.
Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
4PM The Most Racy Thing an Engineer Has Ever Said
Engineer #1: Can I borrow these probes?
Engineer #2: Are you going to bring them back?
Engineer #1: Yeah, sure.
Engineer #2: Probes never come back. There's like a probe-hole somewhere. Like the same place socks go in the laundry.
Engineer #1: ... Did you just say 'probe-hole'?
Engineer #2: Ummm... Yes.
Rochester, New York
3PM The Year the Death Camps Came to Western Pennsylvania
Owner, to worker bee: I was told it was a good idea, so I thought it was a good idea.
Music store
Western Pennsylvania
Overheard by: tyronepower
2PM If It's on Wiki, It Has to Be True
Lead animator: Did you know Thomas Edison's last creation was a wax phonograph cylinder rendered from his own fat?
Las Cruces, New Mexico
1PM Your Grandma Always Was a Character
Policewoman: Right. So then I had to search her, and I found a crack pipe shoved somewhere that a crack pipe should never be shoved. So I entered it in the log, and then I threw it into the garbage. Then she said, 'No, you can't throw it out. That's my best one! I'll never get another one like it!'
Mother: Oh my god, honey, how nasty! I don't like you working in situations like this.
Policewoman: Well, but my point is this: of course she'll get it back. Soon as I release her, she'll just go digging in the trash and find it, and shove it right back where I found it.
Belmont Avenue and Sheridan Road
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Or It's Turned On but Has an Alleged "Headache"
IT guy, on computer settings: If it isn't turned on, then it's probably turned off.
California
Overheard by: The breakroom
11AM How to Murder Your Step-Father, Cross Dress, or Outsmart Woodland Nymphs -- That We Can Do.
Box office manager: Sir, this is the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. I can't tell you how to fix your microwave.
800 East Grand Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Why Professors Drink.
Professor: So, what did you think of the reading?
Student: Well, when I read the first part, I was like, 'Dang!'
Professor: Um...
Student: And when I read the last part, I was like, 'Dang! I mean, dang!'
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
9AM Though Not Quite Up to Golden Girl Standards
Boss: Man, there were some fine cougars in there! I mean, this one woman -- she had gray hair, but she was, like, hot! I mean, like Falcon Crest-hot!
Bonner Springs, Kansas
5PM Now I Just Sit on Mine
Old woman at check-in desk: I used to have a lot more sex when I was younger... There weren't any TVs back then.
Main Street
Wolfville, Nova Scotia
Canadia
4PM They Understand That They Need to Use Smaller Words
Intern: I think I need to dye my hair blonde again. People understand me better when I'm blonde.
Charleston, South Carolina
3PM Like This Conversation?
Female peon: Okay, I'm going to Erin's* dinner. See you tomorrow.
Male boss: Do me a favor -- when you see her, squeeze her ass for me.
Female peon: Why don't you squeeze her ass yourself?
Male boss: Are you kidding? That would be sexual harassment.
150 Mineola Boulevard
Mineola, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
2PM Where's Your Mommy, Anyway?
Grunt: I'm sorry. You're going to have to beat your head against the wall somewhere else. I have to get on a conference call now.
390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: I know how you feel
1PM If It's Not in My Day-Timer, It's Not Gonna Happen
Employee #1: I have an emergency at two PM.
Employee #2: That's a very scheduled emergency.
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM Which One You'd Be Friends with Says a Lot about Who You Are
Big boss at farewell party for employee: I stopped drinking soda a long time ago because I want to stop consuming all those fake sugars.
Young employee: I stopped buying soda along time ago, too, so I can have more money for alcohol.
Broadway and Wall Street
New York, New York
11AM So, "My Face, Ma'am."
Office girl arriving in meeting: Is there anywhere I can sit?
Manager: My face, but I can't say that because I just got out of sensitivity training.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: I have a face too
10AM Possibly from Your Verbal Diarrhea
CSR: Do you like my dress? The website called it a muumuu, but I call it a dress. I don't like dresses, but I wanted to wear one today. Did you know I don't like silk dresses? They make me feel naked, and I don't like feeling naked except when I'm naked -- like when I'm naked in the shower... I ordered this dress from a website I found at work, and I got it in a box a week later. I don't think it should have been in a box, because the box could have been damaged and then my dress would have been ruined, because boxes don't protect anything.
Annoyed coworker: Um, you have a stain on your muumuu.
Coralville, Iowa
9AM I Think We Made That Abundantly Clear Today
Sales rep, returning from a meeting: Just because we have brains does not mean we're smart!
State Street
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: Summer Intern
5PM Sorry, Everyone -- Sorry!
Worker bee: Well... That's the last time I put fiber powder on my macaroni and cheese.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
4PM Congratulations: You've Got the Job!
Peon #1: You know what I can't wait to do?
Peon #2: Let me guess -- dip, masturbate, take a shit.
Peon #1: And...?
Peon #2: Drink?
Peon #1: So you are listening.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: anon
3PM And It's Great for Cracking Open Shellfish
Manager to another: Why don't you take a seat on my commode? It's fur-lined... It's a special otter fur. The poop washes right off.
101 North 2nd Street
Harrisonburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Andréa Cecil
2PM When Bush Is Left Alone in the Oval Office
Manager #1, to temp: So, listen -- you'll be in charge of the department today while we're at an all-staff meeting. But ain't no cameras here, so you can use this space to roller skate while we're gone.
Manager #2: Yeah, or stand on the desk.
Manager #3: Or take a doody.
15th Street
Washington, DC
1PM Likewise.
Office lady #1: It's so cold in here. Oooh! The hair on my arm is sticking up -- I didn't even know I had hair.
Office lady #2: Of course you do! You're a mammal...
Office lady #1: No, I'm Chinese! Oriental!
Male coworker: I have got to write this down.
185 Cambridge Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Cathedral Bell Towers, Not So Much
Peon: Ever since I saw The Hunchback of Notre Dame, I've always had a fondness for gypsy women.
1250 Library Street
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Daniel Gillies
11AM Because People Generally Don't
Cube rat poking head over cube wall: I was just banging you. Did you feel that?
8900 Raintree Drive
Scottsdale, Arizona
10AM Probably Ran Right to His Therapist with That One
20-ish office girl: I am so mad at him! I sent him a Christmas card, but I did not write a note in it.
8th Street
Des Moines, Iowa
9AM Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard
Lady manager: As far as I'm concerned, if you haven't had a rash, you haven't lived!
Kingswood Fields, Surrey
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Captain Stash
5PM ... And Biting Hard
Project manager: People think I'm a liberal because I'm always going down on George Bush.
Detroit, Michigan
4PM And They Wear These Little Hats to Prevent Alien Mind Control
Lady peon, back from vacation: Yeah, so in Israel they have something called Shabbat every Friday. I think it's a chicken dish.
2701 NW Vaughn Street
Portland, Oregon
3PM According to Our Employee Evaluations
Lady worker leaving meeting: You guys just aren't as skilled as I am in the Porn Names Department.
McDonald's Drive
Oakbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: Brett C
2PM And the Bar's Set Pretty High in Australia
CSR #1, after moving offices: Does the mouse get plugged into the monitor or the computer?
CSR #2: [Stares in disbelief and silence, and then starts laughing.]
CSR #1: I can't believe I just said that. That's the most stupid question I've ever heard!
Perth
Australia
1PM Which Is Why I Had You Read That Book on Smoke Signals
Coworker: Here's the information you wanted.
Boss: I don't want paper -- it'll get lost on my desk.
Coworker: Do you want me to e-mail them to you?
Boss: No! It'll get lost in my inbox.
Coworker: So to get this straight, you don't want the info on paper or e-mail?
Washington
12PM By Whom?
Lady peon on phone: I don't know... That whole Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is overrated.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Don't Know -- Is It?
Manager: First thing we do is get back control of petty cash.
HR clerk: Isn't that like closing the barn door after the coke has been snorted?
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
10AM ... And Embellishing It
Employee written up for gossiping: I wasn't gossiping! I was just repeating something that someone else had told me!
Kansas
9AM I'm Like, "What Are You Doing, Mom?"
Worker #1: Every time I kiss her, she tries to stick her tongue in my mouth.
Worker #2: What's wrong with that?
Worker #1: I just don't think it's appropriate. She is married, after all.
Seattle, Washington
5PM Coddery Barn?
Lawyer on cell: ... But where am I supposed to find a codpiece?!
Park Central Drive
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Disturbed Paralegal
4PM Gimme a Hand with It, Okay?
From inside copy room: Oh my god, my flap's gone up! Don't you hate it when your flap goes up?
Queensland
Australia
Overheard by: EM
3PM Fortunately, the Lobotomy Expedited the Review Process
Partner: Call Greg* and have him look over these documents.
Associate: Greg had surgery yesterday and is in the hospital. Do you want to call someone else to review them?
Partner: No, Greg can do it. It's not like he's dead.
Associate: Okay, I'll call him in the morning.
Partner: No, call him now. It's not like he has anything better to do tonight.
Law firm, 1201 Elm Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: jennifer
2PM The Gold Metal Bikini's Pretty Cool, Though
Office girl commenting on CEO's haircut: What happened to her?
Queer coworker: I know! It looks like something they created for Star Wars and then rejected: 'Ewww, too ugly!'
701 G Street
Washington, DC
1PM The Dress Code Still Requires Pasties on Casual Friday
Accounts receivable lady: I don't mean to be rude, but could one of you unhook my bra? I've about had it with this stupid thing! [Order entry woman unhooks lady's bra, and lady takes her bra off to swing around in air while keeping her shirt on.] Freedom! Freedom at last!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: never a dull moment
12PM Now, for Your Homework, Copy Page 49 of the Textbook
Biology professor: You can't just come up with your own hypotheses!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
11AM Even If It Is Part of My Job Description
Woman exiting man's office: Give 'em a copy of your contract -- I don't care. I have better things to do than sit here and jerk myself off.
498 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I care
10AM Which Also Leaves Out Spanking and Flogging
Boss to assistant: Well, we're not going to fire you, because you'd like that too much.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Sir Rugo
9AM You're the Only One Who's Ever Noticed
Office peon: You smell like a giant fruit fly!
Fishers, Indiana
5PM Who Are You?
Peon: I'm not sure if everyone's aware, but I have taken the time to name people's tummies in the In-house Department.
Wilmington, Delaware
4PM Sure Thing, Tammy.
Waiter #1, pointing: Tammy's* either gettin' a poochy belly, or she needs to trim that beaver.
Waiter #2: It's beaver. I fucked her last month, after her sister died, and I thought I was suddenly in a '70s porno.
Manager: You guys need to go find something to clean.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM Like You've Never Wondered?
Worker: Is the mailer-daemon a real person?
Tech: Really?
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM A Taser? Sweet!
Lawyer, offering cigarette: Need one?
Non-smoking secretary: I'm gonna need something a lot stronger to deal with you today!
Lawyer, exiting door to smoke: Top, right desk drawer in my office.
Law office
Indiana
1PM Oh Noz!
Cashier #1: What do you think of, you know, when people stick random Zs into words? Like, 'For shizzle, my nizzle'?
Cashier #2: Man, I hate it when people do that. They sound like they ain't got no speech.
8700 East 63rd Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Jedusor
12PM These Are the Options?
Office dude: Some of the guys here are so blatant when they stare at and talk about cute girls that work here. I think it's demeaning.
Office chick: Yeah, but I would rather be sexually harassed for being attractive than have guys call me 'ugly.' Wow... I just set the feminist movement back, like, 50 years.
Seattle, Washington
11AM I'm No Longer Sure I Want to Get into This
Girl assistant: Well, how often do you move your bowels?
Queer assistant: You mean, like, sit-ups?
745 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: finance is funny
10AM So Abandon All Hope, Yadda Yadda Yadda
Vice president: I know it's a hellhole, but it's my hellhole.
198 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Did I Mention the Horses in Gynecological Stirrups?
Medical scientist #1: You know, they've got sheep in the basement...
Medical scientist #2: Our basement?!
Medical scientist #1: Yeah. It's for heart surgery experiments. They bring them up for MRIs at night.
Medical scientist #2: There are sheep using our MRI machines?!
Medical scientist #1: Well, they're only small ones...
Hospital, Flemington Road
Parkville, Victoria
Australia
2PM Friday Afternoons Quickly Degenerate into Hide-and-Seek
Assistant: What are you up to?
Boss, gleefully: I'm fucking about!
Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
1PM The Original Forrest Gump Script Left Something to Be Desired
Consultant describing different diagnostic tests to client: Gonorrhea is like a can of chili.
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM I'm Telling
Middle-aged man #1 on speakerphone: You're a poo-poo head.
Middle-aged man #2: Well, you're a pu-pu platter!
Dupont Circle
Washington, DC
11AM Nuns Wore Stilettos
Older worker: You know what they used to call those shoes when I was your age?
Peon wearing ballet flats: Um, I'm not sure I want to know...
Older worker: Slut shoes. You could always tell which girls were easy because they wore shoes just like that.
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: wondering what she'd think of my 3-inch heels
10AM Um, Was That on the Table?
Annoyed executive: I wouldn't piss in his mouth if it was a urinal!
84 Newbury Street
Peabody, Massachusetts
9AM For Those Who Feel Bad about Quitting College
Engineer lady: The price of first class stamps is now 41 cents!
Engineer guy: If they made them in China, they'd be a lot cheaper.
3003 West Casino Road
Everett, Washington
5PM All I Meant Was You Seem to Need a Lot of Stimulation... Dammit!
Male manager to female assistant carrying two cups of coffee: Double fisting? ... Wow, sorry. I'm sorry.
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emily
4PM You Get Used to Double-Entry Is the Best I Can Say
Receptionist: You can do that while you're sleeping?!
Accounting girl: Well, yeah.
Receptionist: ... Does it feel good?
Accounting girl: [Shrugs.]
Hutchinson, Kansas
Overheard by: The Temp
3PM Or Something the Size of a Seed, Anyway
IT nerd to another: Yeah, it was just a banana hammock, but I never did much with it besides keep sunflower seeds in it and stuff.
Park Lane and Highway 75
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: cherry
2PM When Cats Are Forced to Live in Suburban New Jersey
Cube dweller on phone: Stupid, beer-drinking cat.
Bedminster, New Jersey
1PM My Fainting Couch Won't Be Delivered Until Tomorrow
Employee: Why are you eating?
Hungry guy: Because it's Tuesday.
8531 E Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington
12PM Kind of a Toxic Waste of Everybody's Time
Reporter: I can't get away from effin' Bernie Smith*. Every time the man farts, the attorney general calls me!
Newsroom
Ocean County, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
11AM Have We Learned Nothing from the "Cock Diagram" Incident?
Secretary: Can you believe the new temp said her favorite movie was Blow?!
HR director: I am not familiar with that. Look up 'blow' on Google.
Accounting manager: I wouldn't do that if I was you.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM ... Without Being Shot
IT guy: I feel for teachers, because it's not like the good old days when you could take kids under the stairwell and pummel them.
Bush Lake Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: just trying to finish the day
9AM Condi Rice Finally Loses It
Loud office lady: I don't need to learn no more. You know money, you know dick, you know pussy -- you don't need to know no more.
Government office, 400 Maryland Avenue SW
Washington, DC
5PM Hint, Hint.
Post-doc: I see... You condition the mouse to know that it gets a treat after you pick it up.
Professor: Exactly. 'I know I'm happy when you touch me and give me food!'
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
4PM Just Easily Distracted. Look -- a Bug!
Accountant: It was my son's first day of second grade, and it took him two hours to do his homework.
Sales rep: Awww, poor guy. What kind of homework?
Accountant: It was a word search...
Sales rep: [Silence.]
Accountant: But he's not stupid or anything.
2100 Lafayette Street
Louisiana
3PM Or Maybe Like Epcot without Them
Grunt: I don't like Vegas. Actually, I liked Vegas when the mob ran it. Now it's like Disneyland with hookers.
402 Watertower Circle
Colchester, Vermont
Overheard by: Bastian
2PM We Happily Bring You an Amusing Anecdote Reader's Digest Won't
Clerk: God, why is that old man so angry?
Manager: Give him a break. How many more times is he going to be buying new shoes? He'll probably be buried in these.
Old crab, from across room: I'm not deaf, you bitches!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
1PM And Send Off a Whole Bunch of Crap
Secretary: I gotta shit... I mean, I gotta check my e-mail.
900 N Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: say what?
12PM Gotta Love That Extra-Thick Straw
Cube rat #1: Slurpees are the best things ever. Hawaiian Punch Slurpee, man. Only second to lemonade Slurpee.
Cube rat #2: I haven't had a Slurpee in, like, 20 years.
Cube rat #1: You're ridiculous.
Cube rat #2: You're gay!
Cube rat #1: Gay for my Slurpees.
12012 Sunset Hills Road
Reston, Virginia
11AM I Set My Expectations Low, and I Still Got Burned
Coworker, after snow predicted night before: So, I want to know what happened to the one to three inches I was promised.
Portland, Oregon
10AM And the Winner of Today's "Most Entertaining Location" Contest...
Male worker bee: Do you know it's getting closer?
Female worker bee: Closer every day.
Male worker bee: But do you know what that means to me?
Female worker bee: I do. Eggs!
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
9AM But You're Just Motivating the Hell Out of Me Today
New senior manager: So... When have you ever given a shit?
Employee: I don't know. It's been a while.
Interstate Parkway North
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Deno
5PM ... Where I Went to School
Man hanging up phone: Wow, that guy had a neat accent. He said he was from the United Kingdom.
Woman: United Kingdom? That's in Florida, right?
Man: No, I think that's the Magic Kingdom...
Woman: Oh, you're right! United Kingdom is in Kentucky.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Service Dispatcher
4PM I Have to Prepare Myself with Prayer and Meditation
Old lady coworker, about four-year-old niece: I'm minding Lydia* tonight, so I thought I'd leave early to read the directions on the macaroni and cheese.
1500 JFK Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: it takes an hour
3PM We're a Classy Joint -- Save the Duct Tape for Your Pants
HR clerk on phone: Yes, it is true that flip-flops are prohibited by the company dress code... No, the addition of duct tape will not qualify flip-flops as closed-toe shoes.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Gold and Sparkly? Really?
Boss: Ah, you're wearing a tie-dyed shirt.
Office girl: Isn't it nice?
Boss: Yeah. Hey, doesn't that circle remind you of Jake's* asshole?
Office girl: Wait, what?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Goodness -- It Certainly Isn't
Shipping manager: Man, something smells good over here!
Nearby cube girl: It's not me!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Countin' down the days...
12PM Hey, I Know Where It's Been
Temp girl: You'll go on a date and sleep with random guys, but you won't touch my nose?!
Watertown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: disgruntled
11AM I Need a Birthday Present for My Daughter
UPS guy: Hey [FedEx guy] -- while you're in there, can you pick me up some of those neon green spandex?
FedEx guy, delivering to American Apparel: Thong or panties?
UPS guy: Thong -- extra-small.
Story Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
10AM Younger Workers May Arrive in Your Office with No Discernible Social Skills
Peon: Yeah, that would be a total chick magnet. Just say, 'Hey, you wanna come and, uh, meet my manatee?'
1100 Broadway
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Clair
9AM Wait! What Kind of Razor Do You Think She Uses?
Creepy waiter: The new girl's pants sure are tight.
Mousy waitress: Yeah.
Creepy waiter: You can tell she shaves her biscuit. [Mousy waitress blinks, quickly puts on long apron, and walks away.]
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM And That's All There Is to Say about Mary Magdalene
Office peon: I was dating this girl for a while, and then she found Jesus and we stopped doing things, and that was that.
California
4PM That's What You Get for Vetoing My Slip-n-Slide Idea
Female coworker #1: You can't blow them if you're laughing.
Female coworker #2: I guess that's true.
Female coworker #3: Even when I blow them they keep coming back into my face. This is why you should not have bubbles at an office party!
Houston, Texas
3PM Try to Catch Me after My Mid-Morning Speed Break
Peon: Hey, can you help me with something?
Frazzled coworker: Honestly, I'm too wasted right now.
84th Street and Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: sagehen
2PM If He's Gonna Kill Me, I'm Going for Broke
Lady with sick cat: My husband is going to kill me if I spend any more money on this cat.
Man with dog: That's sad that you're married to someone that's like that. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my pets.
Lady with sick cat: You want to go get a beer after this?
Jersey Avenue
Port Jervis, New York
1PM While Your Coworker Holds It... What?
Lackey #1: My buddy tells me he exercises his cock in the shower by doing curls with a wet towel.
Lackey #2: That's ridiculous. Everyone knows the best way to do that is by flexing your chode muscle all day long.
100 Wall Street
New York, New York
12PM Is Ellen on Fire?
CSR on phone: May I speak with Ellen*?
Other line: Who?
CSR on phone: Ellen.
Other line: Ellen? This is a fire station. It doesn't ring a bell.
14610 IH 10 West
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: kelynsh
11AM Why Goats Wear Makeup: Explained
Worker guy: I'd rather have sex with a goat wearing no makeup than a goat with makeup.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: The Professor
10AM Why Vacations Were Invented
Suit dancing with self through cubicles: Hubba, hubba! Ding, ding! I dance like a washing machine!
Cottonwood Lane
Colleyville, Texas
Overheard by: I don't dance at all...
9AM I'll Always Regret Getting That Question Wrong on My AP Exam
Old man peon looking at photograph: This is dated 1873 -- a year before Pabst won the ribbon!
Washington, DC
5PM She Also Thinks Betsy Ross Is a Clothing Designer
Lady suit #1: There is a quote by Mark Twain that would be perfect for our presentation, just as a conclusion. What do you think?
Lady suit #2: Um, is that Shania Twain's dad?
St. George's Terrace
Perth
Australia
Overheard by: not a shania fan
4PM Tell Him This Is No Way to Treat His Mother
Salesman on phone: Yes, I'm calling to speak to Stan*.
Guy answering phone: One moment, I'll see if he's in the office. [Muffled] Stan, there's someone on the phone for you. What should I tell them?
Stan: No, tell them I'm not here.
Guy answering phone, to salesman: I'm sorry, sir, he must have stepped out. Hhe's not in the shop.
Salesman: Are you kidding? I could hear you yell, 'Stan, there's someone on the phone for you,' and then he yelled back, 'Tell them I'm not here...'
Guy answering phone: Oh, sorry... Yeah, I should have muted it. Yeah, he's actually in the shower right now and can't get to the phone.
Salesman: ... I'll call back later.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
3PM Judi Dench Fan-Fic Has a Small but Devoted Following
Engineer #1, about coworker's new implants: Dude, I know! She is totally shaped like a cartoon!
Engineer #2: I would really like to get in there and... motorboat, motorboat, motorboat!
Highway 78
Ladson, South Carolina
2PM Clears That Cancer Right Up
Nurse: People just keep calling me and calling me about getting pain pills called in. They just need to be a little sauced up -- then they'd be fine!
14100 Parkway Commons Drive
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
1PM I Think I May Have Had a Stroke
Senior officer: The event went really well. The speaker was fantastic.
Mid-level officer: Oh, who was the speaker?
Senior officer, after long pause: I gotta go.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
12PM Stupid Airport Security
Grunt: It's a sad day when you can't bite someone.
1056 Home Avenue
Akron, Ohio
11AM Suspicious White Stuff, Anyway
Front desk girl to maintenance guy, about her empty water bottle: Yeah, there were no babies in it like last time.
5055 International Boulevard
North Charleston, South Carolina
10AM The DVD Is Selling Very Well
Nurse to another nurse: So that's how you get all those huge objects in your happy hole!
1600 SW Archer Road
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: SuperClerk
9AM It's Quite Possible That Women Have Dirtier Minds Than Men
Female coworker: Why do you shake your mustard like that?
Male coworker: To mix it up real good so I don't get the pre-mustard on my sandwich.
Female coworker: I am never eating lunch with you again.
West Lexington Street
Baltimore, Maryland
5PM It's Been a Full Day All Around
Office grunt slamming down phone: I get an empty meal slot filled and you jizz all over me!
Columbus Circle
New York, New York
Overheard by: Standing Aside
4PM Got Your Claviers, Your Harpsichords -- Even Your Dulcimers
Worker #1: Luke*, you deal in organs, right?
Worker #2: Yeah, man. I got all that stuff.
Carlson Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: watching my kidneys
3PM Office Decorum Can Be a Sticky Issue
Supervisor: Did you happen to locate that file while I was away this week?
Employee: No. I'm not comfortable rooting through your drawers. I feel like I am up to something.
Supervisor: Uhhh...
100 Cushman Street
Fairbanks, Arkansas
Overheard by: quiet one
2PM No Good Will Come of Doing the Math on This
Receptionist, twirling: I love my skirt today. It's lovely. It's all loose and twirly.
Admin assistant, passing by: Just like you!
Receptionist, brightly: Better than being tight and clingy!
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Maintenance? Yeah, Hurry -- Her Coolant Is Leaking
Preggers coworker: Call maintenance and tell them to get the air conditioning fixed! You tell them I'm pregnant and I'm in heat up here!
Front Road
Kingston, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Neil Davall
12PM When Oprah Writes Her Own Press Statements
Guy on phone: She's not God, but she's a good candidate.
7th Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM Who Says "an FYI"?
Office peon on phone: Just an FYI -- Sarge plays with the vibrating Hello Kitty all the time.
Newark, Delaware
10AM Or the Philadelphia Equivalent
Employee #1: I've never worked in an office building where there are so many plants. It's getting to look like a jungle in here.
Employee #2: I don't care about how it looks. I'm just worried that these plants are going to use up all of our oxygen.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Could You at Least Connect Me to I.C. Weiner?
Call center agent: I'm sorry, but for international calls, you'll have to contact your zero operator for information.
Customer: You can't help me?
Call center agent: No, I only provide listings in North America.
Customer: What?
Call center agent: I am a 4-1-1 operator. You need the zero operator.
Customer: What's the difference?
Call center agent, sighing: The zero operator can help you. I cannot.
Customer: So you're useless?
Call center agent: In this case, I am completely useless to you, yes.
Customer, to friend in same room: Hahahaha! She admitted she was useless!
Call center agent: [Slooow exhale.]
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
5PM Except for Larry, Who Can Keep the Tutu
Coder #1: I just can't work in these pants!
Coder #2, raising hand: Seconded!
Boss #1: No! Motion fails!
Boss #2: Indeed -- pants remain a workplace requirement!
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
4PM Vicodin Is the Shizzle
Nurse: Thanks for taking out the trash. I've been a nurse for so long I don't have a sense of smell anymore. You could roll in roadkill and I wouldn't notice.
15001 Quivira Road
Overland Park, Kansas
Overheard by: Naomi
3PM I'm Going to Appeal
Boss: I'm on the banana.
Library
Virginia
2PM Oh, Okay -- Didn't Know It Was That Kind of Shower
Lady on phone: He's going to the baby shower? Holy shit. I know he's gay, but he has a penis.
825 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tami D'Intern
1PM Just Another Day at the Ancient Joke Recycling Company
Worker chick, looking at something on floor: What is that?
Worker guy #1: Oh, that's a... crab.
Worker chick: We have crabs?
Worker guy #1: Yeah, I see them in the parking lot, too!
Worker guy #2: Soup!
Cypress and Westshore
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: wish I had protection...
12PM You're Too Hard on Yourself, Marcia
Shop foreman: I wish I was a woman so I could be pretty.
I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
Overheard by: Jocelyn
11AM Remember When I Accidentally Backed into You?
Kid: I have to tell you something.
Teacher: Okay...
Kid: Sometimes when I fart, I get poop in my pants.
Teacher: I don't need to know that.
Public school
Maryland
10AM And They Need Hard Numbers
Manager: I just want to know -- what is the penetration of 12 to 17-year-old girls?
Analyst: I'm not sure we want to show that...
Manager: They need to know how many 12 to 17-year-olds have been penetrated!
28 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM We're More Like Your Kids Who Won't Get Jobs
Supervisor: You guys are just like my family!
Office peon: Yeah, except we don't throw your shit in the river.
Academy Street
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Dude
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