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November 2007 Archives
5PM I Told You to Stop Taking Shortcuts through the Elementary School
Coworker #1: Yeah, Sue* and I were in the middle of a big drug deal this morning.
Coworker #2: Nice! I walked through a prostitution ring on my way here.
2110 Western Avenue
Seattle, Washington
4PM You Were Voted Least-Valuable Player
Boss, setting down ancient computing equipment: I don't know what's going to happen when I turn this on. Hopefully it won't catch on fire...
Minion: Then why is it on my desk?
Tyco Road
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Hiding behind the bookshelves
3PM And Guess What -- I'm Just As Employable As You
Housekeeping lady, emptying cubicle garbages: Were you in a training class all week?
Engineer: Yes. It made for a long week.
Housekeeping lady: I swore I would never go back to another class after I graduated high school.
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Lisa
2PM And We're Getting the Most Peculiar E-mails
Boss: I don't know when we became such a mecca for church groups.
1975 Vineville Avenue
Macon, Georgia
1PM You Call Your Mom by Her First Name?
Voice mail, on speakerphone: Hi, you've reached the voice mail of Linda Stevens*. I am away from...
Manager: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...
Voice mail: [Beeps.]
Manager: Linda! Will you give me a call when you get a chance? Thanks!
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM FEMA, Is That You?
Engineer: What's the time frame on this? I don't have time for it right now.
Project manager: ASAP, but it can wait for now.
Von Karman Avenue
Irvine, California
11AM Except No Pedophile Would Want Any Kid You'd See in Wal-Mart
Worker #1: They were being mean to her on Facebook.
Worker #2: What's Facebook?
Worker #3: Oh, it's like MySpace.
Worker #2: MySpace... That's like Wal-Mart for pedophiles.
2100 Lakeshore Drive
Birmingham, Alabama
10AM White People and Their Imaginary Problems
Intern: I need to get some sun... so I can get laid. I mean, cancer or celibacy?
Office manager: Cancer!
212 3rd Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Sad, but True
9AM The Company Requires Me to Invoke the Snooze-You-Lose Provision
Customer: I didn't realize that I was eligible for this discount!
CSR: Well, we talk about the discount right on the cover letter.
Customer: Well, it's not right on the application!
CSR: We can't put it on the application, but sir, it's right there in the second paragraph of the cover letter.
Customer: But some of us are lazy and don't read the cover letter!
CSR: I'm not trying to be rude, but we can't help it if you don't read what we send you.
181 West Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Just Accept That Some of Your Colleagues Will Be Scumbags
Male peon in restroom: Hey, I didn't know we had soap in here!
8110 South Harvard Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Icked out female coworker
4PM Psh, Like That Matters
Secretary: Wait, don't you have to be in the military to run for president?
Worker: No. I've taken karate in the past, so I get to skip that step.
Secretary: Oh... But do you really think you'd get enough votes?
5000 South Lewis Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Whoa Now
3PM Be Warned, Dear Reader, There Is a Cumming, Georgia
Secretary: Oh, come on. You can do more than you can do.
Boss: I try... It just won't work.
Cumming, Georgia
2PM I'll Get Back to You Later With Some Followup Questions
Office drone #1, rubbing head: I'm so confused.
Office drone #2: Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.
Office drone #1: Uh, thanks, but that's not what I meant.
Eldridge Parkway and Memorial Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Johnny
1PM ... That Your Coffee Was Poisoned
Boss, during staff meeting: Does anyone have anything to add?
Coworker: Yeah, I just wanted to say that--
Boss: --Man, this coffee tastes weird! [Shrugs and continues drinking.]
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
12PM And Stop Playing with That Gun
Civil engineer: If cigarettes are bad for you, then why are they such big business? You wouldn't be allowed to buy them if they killed you.
Environmental health and safety specialist: Do you ever pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth?
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: intern biologist
11AM Especially If You're Playing Cricket at the Time
Australian guy: Pardon my language, but my last boss was such a cunt.
Intern: I feel like it's more acceptable to say the C-bomb when you have an accent.
Spring Street
Oyster Bay, New York
10AM Did You Need Another Reason Not to Wear Camel Hair?
Man #1: Yeah, sometimes things are just different.
Man #2: Yeah, sometimes I get rug burn on my love handles.
Home office
Bentonville, Arkansas
Overheard by: SamsGuy
9AM Why All Service Industries Should Have Customer Ejector Buttons
Creepster customer: You working hard?
Cute cashier: Yes, sir!
Creepster customer: Well, if you follow me out back, I could find a few ways to work you harder.
Cute cashier: No, thank you, sir.
Creepster customer: Alright, cutie, don't say I never tried to give you anything [pays and leaves].
Cute cashier, dropping the perky act: What a fucking asshole! I hope his dick get an infection and falls off. [New customer walks up, and cute cashier resumes perky act] How are you doing?!
Grocery store
Farmville, North Carolina
5PM Amnesty International Says That's Torture, You Know
Employee: Nah, if he asks me for a ride, I ain't giving it to him. I mean, maybe I will and then I'll turn the radio to the Christian station and blast it and say, 'I'm sorry! It's my vehicle!'
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: The Temp
4PM Kidding! Just Kidding, Mrs. Glick!
Employee: I don't want anymore customers to come in.
Manager: I know, me either. [As old lady with walker approaches door] Dammit... I hope she dies before she gets to the door.
Portland, Oregon
3PM Chickens in Guy-Suits Are Much More Common in Politics
Reporter #1: How should I identify a chicken at a press conference? There was a guy in a chicken suit who refused to give me his name.
Reporter #2: If it was a guy in a suit, I think you'd have to call him an 'Unidentified chicken impersonator.'
400 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Jack Ace, reporter-at-large
2PM And Why Does It Have Eyes and Hair?
Cube wench: What's this stuff coming out of me?
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Shameless Leprechaun
1PM Under Citizenship, Just Put 'Good'
Auditioning guy: So, what should I put down for 'Citizenship'?
Casting intern #1: Were you born in the United States?
Auditioning guy: Yes.
Casting intern #1: Then put down that you're a U.S. citizen.
Auditioning guy: Does it matter that I moved to Oregon for eight months?
Casting intern #1: Did you really just--
Casting intern #2, cutting him off: --No, it doesn't matter.
MTV dating show auditions
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Liz
12PM Relax -- That's Just Canadian for "Good Morning"
Overworked CSR: Sir, at any point in our conversation today did I provide you with my name?
Customer: No.
Overworked CSR: Good -- fuck you [hangs up].
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM They're Always Taking Supplies and, Like, Using Them for Work
New girl: Why is the door to the file room always locked?
Veteran: Because someone might steal something.
New girl: Who all has a key?
Veteran: Everybody.
Columbia University
New York, New York
10AM Whatever Shall We Do?
Woman #1: Does this copier work?
Woman #2: Yes, but it's not turned on. It will take a while to warm up.
Woman #1: I'm in a hurry, so I guess I'll just go to another office and use theirs.
Woman #2: Why don't you just use our other copier?
Woman #1: It's not working.
Woman #2: Really? I just used it last night.
Woman #1, going to copier: See? It says, 'Paper tray empty. Please load paper.'
425 I Street
Washington, DC
9AM That's Who?
Old hacker: You look like Che Guevara... You don't know who that is, do you?
Young artsie #1, sheepishly: No...
Young artsie #2: Did you see Motorcycle Diaries?
Young artsie #1, excitedly: Yes! [Sadly] But I don't remember it.
Young artsie #2: That's him.
6th and Washington
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Hack Prime
5PM Meet Baltimore's Best Receptionist
Receptionist: I just want to punch you in your eye 'cause you're getting too upset!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
4PM Call Me "Bitch" or Nothing at All
Timid 20-year-old: Excuse me, ma'am...
Sassy 30-year-old: I know you didn't just 'Ma'am' me!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM Good Luck Finding Anybody Else
Coworker packing her stuff as she quits: Jesus will pay my unemployment! I cannot work around you, the wicked!
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
2PM Is That the Code of the West?
Coworker: All the hot guys kill people! Well, at least the black ones.
Pecos and Sunset Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
1PM And Certainly Not to France
Lady peon #1: Chipotle's burritos are, like, so good!
Lady peon #2: Yeah, I know. Carol*, have you ever had one?
Carol: Uh, I've never been out of the country...
5813 South Kenwood Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: wow
12PM Faced with an Employee Like This, Voicemail May Be Your Best Option
Worker bee: I don't have his cell phone, but he's always at his desk... Except when he isn't.
4339 Corporate Center Drive
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM Which Is Part of the Reason I've Been Fired
Worker bee: It's like he's a totally different person. I'm not sure if it's him or if he's been taken over by aliens. I keep checking him for anal probes.
Denver, Colorado
10AM My Feral Cats Care!
Admin: Well, when you feel better we have to talk. We have to make sure everyone knows that my job is so important.
Manager, sighing: Yes, Terri*, we've had this conversation. It's not good to be so needy or crave so much recognition.
Admin: I have so much to offer! So many people are doing double work!
Manager: Cheer down, girlfriend. No one really cares.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
9AM Don't People Usually Get Whiter Staying at the Seattle Ritz?
Suit #1: So, I heard they put you up at the Ritz in Seattle!
Suit #2: They did! I stayed there over the weekend. It was so nice...
Suit #1: Gangsta, son, gangsta.
Suit #2: That's how I roll, homie.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Amused
5PM ... In Kangaroo Court
Lawyer: Does it smell in here?
Secretary: Yeah, it smells like bacon.
Lawyer: It smells like the kind of bacon grasshoppers eat.
Bridgewater, New Jersey
4PM And All Its Dancing Queens
Office grunt: Why the fuck does Stan* have to listen to ABBA all day? God, I hate Sweden.
Hillsboro, Texas
Overheard by: Purchasing Slave
3PM Sometimes You Can Feel All Meaning Evaporating Right Out of Your Head
Secretary: She said she's having trouble with her desktop...
Manager: Her desktop or her laptop?
Secretary: Desktop.
Manager: So the one that sits on the desk, or the one that she can carry around with her?
Secretary: Yes.
Portland, Oregon
2PM Only Their Buffalo, Unfortunately
Shuttle driver: ... So I married a girl from Wyoming.
Customer: Well, at least they shave there.
Hotel
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: confused front desk girl
1PM And Easier Said Than Done, Am I Right?
Boss: So, I decided that when I turn 40 I'm going to not swear as much, and I only have a week left!
Assistant: Yeah, say 'fuck' a lot.
Boss: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... That's my favorite word ever!
Portland, Oregon
12PM I Was Doing a Little Recreational Bleeding into My Brain
Creative director: I'm trying not to push myself today. I kind of had a spinal tap at three A.M.
29th Street
New York, New York
11AM Now Hop on One Foot While I Take Your Wallets
Inspirational speaker: The left side of the brain in charge of your creative process, so when you don't feel inspired, take a deep breath closing your right nostril with your finger so all the air goes only and directly to the left side of your brain...
Audience, while inhaling as told: Wow...
Miami, Florida
10AM Can the Other Driver Sue for Slander? Discuss.
Cabbie yelling out window to guy who cut him off: Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! [Gets out at red light, walks to offender's car, points his butt at and simulates farting on the car, then gets back into cab and yells out window again.] You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee!
Outside White Plains train station
New York
Overheard by: ccampoll
9AM What Passes for Nightlife in Baltimore
Office girl #1: Last night, when I went up on my roof to smoke, I saw the masturbator again.
Office girl #2: I'm coming over!
Eutaw Street
Baltimore, Maryland
5PM I've Already Told You Everything I Know
Man: Is this the Information counter?
Bored worker: Yes.
Man: Can I have some information?
Université de Montréal
Canadia
4PM The Sun? Dude, I Work in a Windowless Prison!
Coworker on phone: You have to go East... How should I know? I don't know East from West!
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
3PM Last Time You Killed a Photo Booth Chick, You Had to Serve Six Whole Months of a Life Sentence
Clerk: I'm sorry, ma'am, but these photos are professional. There's no way I could let you print these without a release form.
Customer, angry: If I didn't just get out of prison, I would through such a fit!
Mother: Just calm down and walk away.
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM Dude, What If He's a Hologram?
Grunt #1: Seriously, dude, what the hell is up with Ahmed's* hair?
Grunt #2: I know what you mean. It's like someone turned up the gamma setting on his head -- like, all the way.
555 West Imperial Highway
Brea, California
Overheard by: Yannibmbr
1PM Fortune Cookies Are Getting More and More Gay-Positive
Queer boss to new female employee: Don't waste your time being a man who has sex with women.
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM The Kind That Doesn't Ignore the Data
Analyst reviewing error report: Working this report requires critical thinking skills.
Department head: What kind of critical thinking skills?
701 Park Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
11AM Much Easier to Swallow Than Madonna
Cashier: Will this be all?
Lady: I also want one Kabbalah. [Cashier looks at her, puzzled.] This dessert [points into case].
Cashier: Baklava, ma'am.
Port of Piraeus Café, 13th Street NW
Washington, DC
10AM Note to Self: Stop Being Creepy
Lady peon: Beautiful day, isn't it?
Male peon: Sure is -- some fine weather here.
Lady peon: I hope it lasts, but I don't know about this weekend -- I've heard it might get cool.
Male peon: Yeah, that must be hard for women.
Lady peon: What?
Male peon: Yeah, it must hard trying to figure out what to wear -- shorts, skorts, capris, pants, skirts. Guys don't have that problem.
Lady peon: Okay. You have a good day.
Geneseo, New York
9AM Superhero Question Man Had Trouble Making Friends
Customer: Hi! Are you a horticulturalist?
Clerk: Yes.
Customer: Were is your washroom?
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Counter Guy
5PM Must... Not... Fire... Best Employee...
Boss: Why does your 'Help' work?
Employee: Because I installed it and set it up correctly.
Boss: Why doesn't Greg's* 'Help' work, then?
Employee: Do you want me to go in there and help him wipe, too?
4500 Research Way
Corvallis, Oregon
4PM And I Was Feeling So Good about the Toilet Training
Production manager: As the wrestler Mr. Perfect used to say, 'It ain't easy being perfect, but somebody's gotta do it!'
Sales guy: Hey, you've got coffee on your shirt.
Production manager, crestfallen: Oh... I guess I'm not perfect, after all...
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
3PM Kind of a Lousy Choice for a Penile Implant, Eh?
Female colleague #1: Isn't it amazing?
Female colleague #2: Oh, come on -- it's made of felt.
Female colleague #1: Exactly...
Munich
Germany
Overheard by: Dapbim
2PM Allow Me to Demonstrate
Manager: What motivates you to do your best job possible?
Interviewee: Well, I don't do anything half-assed... Yeah, I like to put my whole ass into everything I do.
1158 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Kirsten
1PM Did We Get Married and Nobody Told Me?
Customer: And I want Reese's with that. Not a lot, but more than the normal amount, but not too much.
Ice cream artist: Okay...?
Ice cream place, Champlain Drive and Shepherd Avenue
Fresno, California
Overheard by: Just Another Ice Cream Maker
12PM When the Dimmest Screen in the Office Encounters the Brightest
Branch manager: Your monitor is so bright! I love it! It's got to be the brightest screen in this office!
Sales guy: Uhhh...
Branch manager: It's like a hospital computer or something! It's that bright!
Sales guy: ... Well, I was out sick last week...
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM I'd Almost Rather Go with Extensions
Suburban housewife: So, then she explained to me what a Brazilian wax was, and I was like, 'I don't know...'
Salon
Dunwoody, Georgia
Overheard by: Ang
10AM If We Keep Talking in Circles, the Truth Will Throw Up
CR manager: The membership grade is effective for a year from the grad date that they told us, but I don't think they'll remember the grad date they said... But it's not actually a year...
Ad manager: But it's good for a year. Doesn't it update automatically?
CR manager: It is automatic, except when it isn't. It only gets updated once a year, so it may be good for over a year.
Ad manager: So we can't say a year if it isn't a year.
14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: all ears
9AM It's Not Like I Read Anything That Crosses My Desk
Lady peon: I can't believe I wrote 'Happy Birthday' on that card.
Coworker: You did? Did anyone fix it?
Lady peon: They're always passing around cards! How am I supposed to know it's a sympathy card?! Then I go asking when we're going to have cake!
Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM Followed by "Can't Get Off the Couch" and "Help Me, Dr. Phil"
Hospital aide: Yeah, these pants come in 'Large' and 'Holy shit, you're fat'!
Hospital
Monroeville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The other aide
4PM And Kids Are Pretty Slippery to Start With
Worker bee in bathroom stall: I don't mind as long as he doesn't try to lube the kids with it. After all, those burns can be nasty.
10th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
3PM Or That Some of Them Involved Donkeys
Cube rat on cell: So, I'm really annoyed because TJ* keeps ordering movies on the TV, and I told him he's going to have to pay for them... I just don't trust him... I know he's my boyfriend! You can block someone from doing that? Cool! ... I know, and he kept asking me whether I minded because he was ordering lots of movies, or if I minded that some of them were porn...
College admissions office
Wisconsin
2PM How Often Is That Necessary?
Boss: Me and my wife would drive a hundred miles for a jar of good pickles!
10749 West 84th Terrace
Lenexa, Kansas
Overheard by: PeaveyMan
1PM Hey, Teddy Ruxpin's Taken Bullets for Me
Sarge: You're lucky somebody around here likes you.
Office peon: Lots of people like me!
Sarge: Stuffed animals don't count.
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
12PM Maybe Across the Street at Oxy's? Moron.
Tourist to vendor: Do you know where I can buy kosher pork chops?
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropping Jew
11AM It's Possible You Won't Believe What You See
Shipping clerk: I have a package here for you.
Asian scientist: What is in the box?
Shipping clerk: I don't know, but it's probably cells, since it says 'dry ice.'
Asian scientist: But what's in the box?
Shipping clerk: Why don't we take it to the lab and open the box?
Asian scientist: Okay, but what's in the box?
American scientist: I think that's the stuff you ordered.
Asian scientist: Oh, yes, okay. But what can possibly be in the box?
Columbus, Ohio
10AM My Label Says "Keep Away from Children"
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: [Blank stare.]
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: [Slight smirk.]
Coworker #1: What is it?
Coworker #2, smiling: Are you with child?
Coworker #1, growling: No!
Coworker #2: [Turns and quickly walks back to her office.]
600 Peachtree Street Northeast
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: cant believe she said it
9AM It's Only a Paradox If You Intend to Do Any of That
Boss: So, the word from corporate is that we're supposed to hang these on the windows as part of the new plan from Marketing?
Marketing assistant: Yeah.
Boss: But corporate service requirements say we're not ever allowed to hang anything on any windows.
Marketing assistant: Right. Essentially, we have to figure out a way to put them on the windows without actually putting them on the windows.
Boss: Awesome.
West Creek Drive
Richmond, Virginia
5PM Our Feet, for Instance
Office hottie #1: Just think of all the stuff we put in our mouths that we don't think about...
Office hottie #2: Ummm...
8891 Gander Creek
Dayton, Ohio
4PM Everyone Who Looks at You Will Smile
Gate agent: How cute you look in your outfit, Maria*!
Ramp agent in fluorescent jumpsuit, heading out to Tarmac: I look like a gigantic yellow highlighter.
Boarding area, JetBlue flight to JFK
Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
3PM Put a Nice Potted Plant on It?
Fashion designer girl #1: I really want a bookshelf, but I don't have any books.
Fashion designer girl #2: Maybe you could get a short one and paint it white.
8360 Melrose Avenue
West Hollywood, California
2PM I'm Not Crazy
Loud office chick: Oh, I always used to eat paper! But not, like, toilet paper. Like, notebook paper.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
1PM You Make an Excellent Point
Old, constantly inappropriate boss: I'm gonna bust your ass, girl.
Young girl employee: You'll do no such thing.
Old, constantly inappropriate boss: Oh, yeah? Why's that?
Young girl employee: Because I'd karate chop you in the jugular.
14th Street and 3rd Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Still can't believe I work here
12PM Now That We've Bathed and Bedded You
Cashier, handing customer a receipt: And here's a memento of our time together.
Bed, Bath, and Beyond
Jacksonville, Florida
11AM You Can Take Recycling Too Far
Office grunt: His lunch smells like he took a shit on a plate and microwaved it.
265 North Western Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Melissa B.
10AM And What of My Little Dog?
Network admin: Yeah, I saw Aladdin in the theater.
Help desk supervisor: That's because you're a faggot.
Network admin: No, it's because I have kids.
Help desk supervisor: Well, your kids are faggots, too.
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Frank
9AM Now, Would You Stop Bench-Pressing Me?
Supervisor to file clerk: You know, I really don't see you in the corporate workplace at all... I see you somewhere doing something violent like the American Gladiators or something.
101 South 5th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Candice
5PM He Hit the "Escape" Key and Exploded
Programmer: Does anyone want a free, almost clean keyboard?
Tech support peon: Not until you tell us what you just 'almost cleaned' off of it.
Programmer: Jeff*.
Tech support peon: Uhhh, no thanks.
Islington, London
England
4PM Best Boss I've Ever Had
Lady worker: He's the type of person that stands outside when it's raining to see if it's wet enough!
Commerce Street
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: pedestrian
3PM Nice Guys Finish Last, in Every Way
Boss: I'm going to get wrinkles from making the sympathy face.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
2PM But Dr. Van Helsing Was There with a SpongeBob Bandage
Coworker, explaining Band-Aid inside his elbow: Dracula got me.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM By a Tentacle
Cube rat: They need to have some kind of alien baby hanging off the front page...
Golden, Colorado
Overheard by: Peon
12PM Adequate Compension for My Stealing Your Wife
Editor, singing: I'm going to steal your chair when you're dead!
6th and Lavaca Streets
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: not getting up
11AM Might We Suggest a Job at FEMA?
Reporter: Aw, Alex*. Look at you helping people.
Editor, disgusted: I know. It really turns my stomach.
Press building
New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
10AM Those Bastards!
Fund raising exec: We keep hearing about these people who die, and we sit around waiting to hear what they're going to give to us, and it turns out they've left all their money to the crippled children!
Non-profit organization
Washington, DC
9AM Reader Poll: The Gum, the Women, or the Teeth?
Tech supporter #1: There's nothing you can't do in London.
Tech supporter #2: Yeah, it's like Tijuana without the Chiclets.
Wilsonville, Oregon
Overheard by: Neal
5PM Her Office Is Decorated in a SpongeBob Theme
Hiring manager: I think I need to go have some fun.
Training manager: If you want to have a good time, you need to come into my office! ... If you want to have some fun... [Face turns red and she walks into her office.]
2835 Decker Lake Boulevard
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Cubicle spud
4PM And Die?
Office peon, brightly: Well, you're never too old to stop learning!
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Think I'll Do That
3PM The Heartbreak of Ugly Panty Line Can Strike without Warning
Lady peon to another: I'm so sorry! It's just a weird thing, and I usually don't hear that happening to a guy!
2211 North 1st Street
San Jose, California
2PM He Must Be Quite a Guy
Cube girl on phone: Don't call it my 'bosom' -- that makes me feel old. [A minute later] How many redheads with big boobs do you know?! Oh, your fiancée, I see. I didn't know that.
Houston, Texas
1PM Jersey? You Bastards!
Corporate boss on phone: Do you know where I am? Do you know where I am? I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... Roosevelt-fucking-Island! In a fucking trailer! This is my life, okay? I was nauseous this morning 'cause I'm a schmuck. I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... So tell me, does it get any worse?
Roosevelt Island, New York
Overheard by: Officetemp
12PM Since We Belt-Sanded Her
Creepster coworker: That leather is soft, like your mother's skin.
Brush College Road
Decatur, Illinois
Overheard by: My mother's softer than leather
11AM A Cover Charge Keeps Out the Riffraff
Company owner: I don't shove anything up my ass unless it costs at least 50 dollars.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
10AM I Had to Do Something While the Stereo Was Being Installed
Mousy waitress: Did it take you long to put it in?
Timid waiter: Like an hour.
Brassy waitress, walking up: We talkin' 'bout the big stereo in your car or your big wang in a skeezer's ass?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM ... From My Mom
30-ish guy shouting from desk: What's a MILF? [Everyone laughs.] No, really -- what is a MILF? I just got an e-mail about it!
Virginia
5PM Tonight's Movie: Sideways
Colleague #1: Hey, that girl -- does she have those underwear on the wrong way?
Colleague #2: Yeah. Funny, huh?
Terrell, Texas
Overheard by: HR Rep
4PM Without Drugs, the Restaurant Business Would Cease to Exist
Guy training hostess to roll silverware: Do you know how to roll a blunt?
Hostess: No...
Guy: Well, it's pretty much the same way.
Mexican Restaurant
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Hilary
3PM Oh, Shut Up and Put Your Shirt on
Office guy: Have you been working out?
Intern: Uh, yeah, why?
Office guy: I can tell [walks away].
Intern, to another: Was he just hitting on me?
Parkway Drive
Hanover, Maryland
2PM I'm Also a Little Vague on What We Do Here
Boss to assistant: Well, I don't remember what all I had, um, asked you to do before I went on vacation, but did you, like, um, do it?
Non-profit agency
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: steeleskillz
1PM Neither Improves the Turkey's Flavor, Though
Lady peon: You can fit a lot tampons in there, but pads are a completely different story.
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: So What?
12PM They Don't Look Too Good, Either
60-ish suit in Cubs jacket on cell: I'm on the bus right now. I'm going to the Cubs game. Well, I just left Dad, and I gotta say, it doesn't look too good. They're feeding him through a stomach tube and they've got him on a drip. You know, he had that quadruple bypass a couple of years ago and he's got diabetes now... He's been unconscious most of the time when I visit him, and... Yeah, well, don't wish me good luck. The Cubbies are the ones who need it!
Clarke Street bus
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: priorities schmiorities
11AM The Miscarriage Surfaced Three Days Later, Though
Office grunt: So, I had this one night stand with this girl, and the next day I got a phone message that said, 'I had a miscarriage in your toilet.' Then she came back and cleaned my entire apartment and paid my phone bill, and I never heard from her again.
6th and Main Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM Take Part in This Quick Survey and We Can End This Charade
University phone solicitor: So, did you hear that the College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences has a new dean?!
Guy being solicited: I don't really care.
University phone solicitor: Me neither.
Jefferson and McClintock Avenue
Los Angeles, California
9AM Not the Kind of Market Penetration We Want
Communications manager: Conclusion is, don't eat your sex toys!
Sex toy factory
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: TinkMom
5PM Good, Clean Battles to the Death
Male coworker to lady coworkers, about relationship with sister: We never said anything nasty to each other -- it was just physical violence.
Hemel Hempstead
United Kingdom
Overheard by: sticks and stones...
4PM My Secret? Vodka Oreos.
Manager: Did you see the game last night?
Coordinator: I was drunk. [Takes bite of Oreo.]
Manager: Huh?
Coordinator: Yeah, I'm drunk every day. S'matter of fact, I'm drunk right now!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
3PM You Mean Rhode Island Red?
Lady suit: Did you see that chicken?
Male suit: What?
Lady suit: Yeah, the chicken with the keyboard...
Male suit: Um...
120 Fairview Park
Washington, DC
2PM I Feel Bad for Him after the Tar-and-Feather Incident
Peon, after colleague leaves: I thought we agreed you weren't going to talk to him so he wouldn't come over any more!
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM ... For the Smothering
Coworker: I wish I could get to the paper first. She always finds the obituaries before I get a chance and cuts them out... Except for the time my grandma died and my mom placed a huge obit out of guilt.
Yamhill Street
Portland, Oregon
12PM Same Old Story: Boy Meets Girl, Nobody Knows What to Do Next
Mechanic: You smell like sex.
Female coworker: You mean I smell like you want to have sex with me? Or I smell like I just had sex? 'Cause... 'Cause there's a big difference.
Mechanic: Oh, the first one. You smell like I want to have sex with you.
Female coworker: Oh. I want to have sex with you, too.
Mechanic: [Silence.]
Female coworker: ... I mean, you smell. [Walks away with confused look on her face.]
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: He did kind of smell ... like sex.
11AM And Then Offered Us a Bite
Cube dweller #1: Oooh, Friday is in full swing.
Cube dweller #2: What makes you say that?
Cube dweller #1: You just used the phrase 'fetus piece.'
35 Thorpe Avenue
Wallingford, Connecticut
Overheard by: jesse
10AM Wow, That's the Biggest Subpoena I've Ever Seen
Loud female lawyer: I'll show you yours if you show me mine! Wait, the other way around...
Evanston, Illinois
Overheard by: cubicle across the hall
9AM And Whistle While I Work
Worker #1: She is too hot.
Worker #2: Do you want to touch her where she wees?
Worker #3: I want to touch her while she wees.
Norwich
England
5PM But That Gerbil Was the Best Darned Chimney Sweep I'd Ever Seen
Male boss: It was uncomfortable how far up there she was.
Ellicott City, Maryland
4PM Of Course You Do
CSR: What time is it?
Manager: Look at your computer. See those numbers in the lower left-hand corner? That's the time.
CSR: Oh. Well, what I need to know is, what time is it in Guam?
3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: George
3PM And a Half!
Male coworker, as female places personal ad: Did you just say you were five years old?!
21135 Erwin Street
Woodland Hills, California
2PM I'll Shave This Beard, Put on a Nice Dress and Get on the Bus
Coworker to self: I can't perpetuate this freak show.
West Superior Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Zippo Pour L'Homme
Editor: I smell lighter fluid. Is that new cologne someone's wearing?
News building, 57th Street and 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Nik
12PM The Colonies Needed a Big Hancock
Council member: I heard you need my John Doe on something.
Clerk: I need your signature on some documents.
Council member: Yeah, my John Doe.
Clerk, laughing: You mean your John Hancock -- John Doe is an anonymous dead body. [Council member looks puzzled.] John Hancock has the biggest signature on the Declaration of Independence -- that's where the term comes from.
Council member: Oh.
City Hall
San Francisco, California
11AM There Can Be No Obesity without Denial
Office girl #1: I don't like lettuce.
Office girl #2: You don't eat lettuce? Why'd you get a salad?
Office girl #1: Because I need to lose weight! I'm getting fat!
Office girl #2: What else is that in your salad?
Office girl #1: Chicken.
Office girl #2: Grilled or fried?
Office girl #1: Ummm... Fried...
Office girl #2: Uh-huh... Is that cheese I see in there?
Office girl #1: Yes!
Office girl #2: And are those Bacon Bits?
Office girl #1: Shut up! And no, it's real bacon!
Office girl #2: And you aren't gonna eat the lettuce?
Office girl #1: I will stab you with my fork! Go away!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Why Workplaces Should Have Principals' Offices
Short woman whispering to self, as tall man holds door for her: Shit. Unbelievable. [Tall man stares at her.]
Tall man, to another woman: You know, she did this to me once before. I had to ride the elevator with her muttering to herself about me until another elevator opened across the hall and she ran away into it. [Continues staring at short woman until elevator stops.]
Short woman, yelling as exits the elevator: Maybe it's because you smell!
Other woman: Well, aren't you a charming thing. [Doors shut.]
330 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dirty Librarian
9AM A Nice One -- Not Too Expensive
Coworker #1: Congrats on your bush transplant!
Coworker #2: Thanks!
Coworker #3, overhearing: Uh, yeah, congrats on your bush transplant. I didn't know that was a procedure. Was it medically necessary?
Coworker #2 to #1: You should have said 'shrubbery' instead!
Austin, Texas
5PM So It's Not All Bad
Lady peon #1: If we keep working at this rate we are A -- going to get sick, B -- going to be tired, and C -- going to hate each other!
Lady peon #2: ... You forgot D -- divorced.
Tallahassee, Florida
4PM The More Meetings We Have to Improve Things, the Worse Things Get
Tech manager: The sales manager cannot take that complaint call because he is preparing to go to a CRM meeting.
Tech supervisor: What is CRM?
Tech manager: Customer relations management.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that?
Tech manager: Well, they are having this meeting so that this sort of problem doesn't happen.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that, too?
Houston, Texas
3PM Might As Well Shave Your Head While You're at It
Female coworker, as another is delivered flowers: Every time I see the flower delivery guy I hope it's for me. I wish someone would send me something nice like that. Oh, well. I'll just take a piece of chocolate from the candy dish.
Male coworker: That's right, decrease your chances even further.
Route 110
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Drone
2PM I'm Up for Finding Out
Boss to statistician entering the room: We were just wondering if it was even possible to be overlay-ed?
Arnett Avenue
Lambertville, New Jersey
Overheard by: Overjoyed
1PM Instead We'll Have a Class on "Constructive Disagreement"
Male boss, after female employee leaves room after argument: Now I know why men beat their wives.
465 Democrat Road
Memphis, Tennessee
12PM Which Answer Will Get Me Change?
Cube girl #1: Do you have change for a ten?
Cube girl #2: Do I look like a stripper?
Stratford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Deek
11AM Yeah, and Scrambling the Data. Nice Work!
Sales rep #1: Here's that spreadsheet. I hid the columns you didn't need so it would fit on one page.
Sales rep #2: How did you do that? I have been cutting and pasting all this time!
Sales rep #1: Cutting and pasting?
Sales rep #2, pulling out three pieces of paper, cut and taped together to make one big spreadsheet: See? I cut and pasted!
Virginia
Overheard by: What!?
10AM More of a City-State Than a Country
Office girl #1: But I thought he was, like, Mexican or Brazilian or something.
Office girl #2: No, he's Filipino.
Office girl #1: Oh, so, like... Um...
Office girl #2: It's like half-Mexican, half-Chinese.
Office girl #1: But he's gay, right?
Office girl #2: Definitely -- all gay.
Office girl #1: He's from Gay Land!
Ad agency
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Half-Offended-Half-Laughing
9AM After the Dessert, She Said, "Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another?"
Elegant old lady, as waiter comes around: ... I could say the same thing about S&M, but no. There's nothing wrong with S&M! [Waiter looks at her, aghast, and then starts laughing.] Oh... Um, I'll have the hazelnut gelato.
Elegant old male companion: And don't forget the whip!
Cafe Dante, MacDougal Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Me
5PM Yeah, Let Me Add That to Original Sin and Slavery
Psycho parent: Look, you're not in his resource time, so he can't get help from you then.
Teacher: Yes, well, I'm teaching another class, so I can't be there.
Psycho parent: I know it's not your fault, but don't you feel like you should take some responsibility for that?
High school
Sterling, Virginia
4PM I Need It to Take My Mood Elevators
Cube rat #1: Um... Where'd they put the fridge that was here?
Cube rat #2: I don't know, but I had juice in there. With vodka in it.
63rd Street and Broadway
New York, New York
3PM On the Plus Side, Absenteeism Is Way Down
Boss: The body bags take up a lot of room.
West 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: P
2PM Boss Won't Let Me Have a Life-Size Picture
Office lady: Is that one of them giant squids?
PR guy: Yeah.
Office lady: Aren't those huge?
PR guy: Yep.
Washington State University
Pullman, Washington
Overheard by: Pamela
1PM Is This Problem Self-Inflicted? Discuss.
Office mate on speakerphone: I need to send my printer back. It isn't working.
CSR for printer company: Okay, I can set up a return shipment and get you a label and address to send yours back. What is your e-mail address, sir? [He relates e-mail address.] Okay, when you get the link on the e-mail I just sent you, print the FedEx label and put it on the box to ship it.
Office mate: Um, well, my printer is broken, which is why I am sending it back...
CSR: I understand that, sir, so what I have done to speed up the process is send you a shipping label all prepared for you to ship the box out.
Office mate: How am I supposed to do that if my printer is broken?!
CSR: Well, you print it up and put it on the box.
Office mate: Okay, when we are done with this, I would like to order an instructional DVD on how to setup my DVD player.
CSR: I'm not following you, sir. I thought your problem was with your printer. We don't have DVD players.
Office mate: Dude, you're killing me! Can I speak to a supervisor, please?
34th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Zoos
12PM Then We Can Stop Being Brilliant
Analyst: We're brilliant when we have nothing better to do than to be brilliant all day.
870 Market Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Translation: I Would Kill to See You in Shorts
Worker bee: Are you new here?
Temp: Oh, I'm just temping.
Worker bee: Do you like it?
Temp: Yeah, I'm really enjoying it here.
Worker bee: It's so casual.
Temp: Yeah, I'm glad I can just wear jeans.
Worker bee: You could wear shorts if you wanted. I mean, I don't know if you wear shorts, but people here do, so you totally could. If you wanted.
6300 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Nick Lachey Was in the Bee Gees
40-ish supervisor: You're listening to the Bee Gees? Wasn't Leif Garrett in the Bee Gees?
20-ish employee #1: All I know is that someone in the group committed suicide.
20-ish employee #2: No, Leif Garrett was in the Beatles.
1241 Dyer Road
Santa Ana, California
9AM Do You Need an Epipen?
Marketing guy: If 20 characters is the limit for a line, why is it wrapping?
Patient web developer: I used a fake string and we changed the font since then -- some letters are wider than others, so I have some work to do to get it to fit.
Marketing guy: Hmmm... I like it saying 'System Requirements' versus just 'Requirements.'
Patient web developer: ... How many characters is in 'System Requirements'?
Marketing guy: Nineteen characters, including the blank space between the words.
Patient web developer: Right.
Marketing guy: So, how much would that jack with things to be able to fit 19 characters on a line?
Patient web developer: Dude, c'mon. If 20 fits, then 19 will fit.
Marketing guy: That seems like some advanced math to me.
Patient web developer: Yeah, sorry. Didn't mean to get all math-y on you.
2550 SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: Snotted My Water
5PM Doesn't Seem to Help the Itching Much
Worker bee on phone: Isn't your husband anointed? Well, why don't you just have him lay hands on you, then?
171 17th Street
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM High Fructose Corn Syrup Comin' at Ya!
Employee #1: Dude, are those the organic ones?
Employee #2, pelting others with jelly beans: No, that's why I'm throwing them.
Organic health food store
Houston, Texas
3PM We Could Call It the Swoosh Command, Sir
IT manager: You know, every application needs a command like that: 'File, just do it.'
West 3rd Street
New York, New York
2PM Usually That's a Line I Reserve for the Massage Parlor
Ethics professor: So, if Mr. Wiener, some new lawyer, imputed his conflict to the firm, you're going to have a lot of unhappy lawyers. They'll be like, 'You suck, Wiener!' ... Oh, God, did I just say that?
Malibu, California
Overheard by: ktmonster
1PM Say Her Keyboard's Emoticonstipated
E-mail admin: I am not taking a trouble ticket where she says, 'I meant to send a smiley face but instead sent a frowny face.'
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM Except for Michael Jackson
Lady peon with eye patch: Yeah... Once you go black, you never go back.
45th Avenue and Vermont Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: WOW
11AM Still Upset about the Caulking Incident
PC tech: How's your wife?
Printer tech: Pretty good. I tried to give her a massage last night, but she said that I couldn't.
PC tech: Why? My girl loves massages.
Printer tech: She said that I'll just end up filling up a hole, and she wasn't in the mood.
West Palm Beach, Florida
10AM Listening Is the Critical Skill in Sales
Customer: Do you carry mattresses? [Sales woman looks confused.] Mattresses... Beds... Can you tell me where those are?
Sales woman, pointing at elevators: Oh, yes, right over there.
Customer, speaking slowly: No, I said, 'Where are the mattresses?' The beds... What floor?
Sales woman: Oh, I don't think we carry those. I thought you said 'elevator.'
Department store, Paramus Mall
Nyack, New York
Overheard by: RobynPuff79
9AM Sheer Force of Will
Geriatric waitress: Hi, how y'all doin'?
College guy: Great. You?
Geriatric waitress: Ehhh, I'm a little stoned. Gotta do something to put up with these drunk assholes and teenagers.
College guy: Sweet.
Geriatric waitress: You kids like Michael Jackson? Heard he was touring again.
College girl: Oh, yeah! I heard about that. I'm pretty stoked.
Geriatric waitress: Me, too! I loved his music. But geez, how can a gorgeous black man turn into an ugly and scary-lookin' white girl?
Pancake place, Cherry Hill Road
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: High On Life
5PM You Can See the Blue Screen of Death behind Her Eyes
Office wench: I ordered those things you wanted!
Boss: Did you?
Office wench: I think...
Boss: Thanks.
513 Progress Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: cubical dweller
4PM Godless Liberal Pacifists That They Are
Office girl #1 while watching the patriots vs colts game: Who are you rooting for?
Office girl #2: New England.
Office girl #1: Hey, where is New England, anyway?
Office girl #2: Ummm, it's a region up North.
Office girl #1: Oh, I knew it was in Canada somewhere!
Woodbridge, Virginia
Overheard by: Sara
3PM Measuring Out My Life with Coffee Spoons
Peon: No, thank you. I consider scrapbooking to be a gateway activity. The next thing you know, I'll be going to Tupperware or candle parties.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM All the Movie Stars Are Doing That Now
Female coworker: First of all, 6:30 is not after work, and second of all, there is nothing wrong with going to your hair appointment shit-faced!
851 Coho Way
Bellingham, Washington
1PM And the Pants
Voice from conference room: Give me back my shirt!
Large law firm
New York, New York
12PM But the Horrified Looks on My Kids' Faces Always Set Me Straight
Sales guy: My daughter had a book when she was little called Which Witch is Which.
Sales chick: ... Huh?
Sales guy: She had a book called Which Witch is Which.
Sales chick: I thought that was one of your porn movies...
Sales guy: Well, it might be that, too. Porn and children's books... I get them confused.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Then He'd Play with Them in His Crib
Disgruntled boy: ... And they put the birth control education flyer up on my locker! My locker! I'm pretty sure that violates--
Overeager Spanish teacher, popping up from behind desk: --Oh! Oh! My mother used to put condoms under my brother's pillow! We all called her the 'Birth Control Fairy'!
High school
Livingston, Montana
Overheard by: Finally appreciates the tooth fairy
10AM The Correct Answer Is "Not at All"
Excited peon #1: Hey, did you know that Anna Nicole Smith died, like, months ago?!
Excited peon #2: Wow! Really? She's the one that lost all that weight, right?
Excited peon #1: Yeah! How'd you like to be the medical examiner doing that autopsy?
480 Washington Boulevard
New Jersey
9AM Guess We Could Tell Her Who's Dead, but What Fun Is That?
Female coworker #1, sobbing in bathroom: I can't believe he's dead!
Female coworker #2: Neither can I!
Female coworker #3: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Senior female partner, entering bathroom: Having a bad day? [Coworkers #2 and #3 nod.] You know what works for me?
Female coworker #3: Oh... Yes? What would that be?
Senior female partner: I put one hand over my heart, and the other hand over my stomach. I breathe in deeply. I then say to myself, 'I'm here. I'm right here, right now.' It works every time! I feel better straight away! [Long silence, then] Okay, well, [waves goodbye and leaves].
Female coworker #3: Wow. You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Collins Street
Melbourne
Australia
5PM Nobody's Gonna Build There a Second Time
Coworker: What's the deal with these lot loans?
Manager: Your mom's a lot loan.
San Ramon, California
Overheard by: cracking up
4PM Under "Education"
General manager: He had 'Shaving Ryan's Privates' on his résumé.
242 West 36th Street
New York, New York
3PM Makes You Wonder If It's Us or the Customers
General manager: Did Jimmy* clean the wall in the bathroom?
Business manager: Yeah. Who put boogers on the wall, anyway?
Main Street
Saginaw, Michigan
2PM Like a Seizure That Ends in Conversation
Coworker #1: Who's ringing?
Coworker #2: Not me. I vibrate.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM My Hard Drive's Been Zionized
Bored tech guy: Can I help you?
Bimbette: Yeah, um, I need an update on my anti-Semitic virus program.
Bored tech guy: You mean 'Symantec'?
Bimbette: Yeah, that's what I said -- anti-Semitic.
Quinnipiac University
Hamden, Connecticut
12PM They're Considering Sacking Us
Peon: I can't believe they're having us do this even though we're the low men on the scrotum pole!
Times Square
New York, New York
11AM Why People Leave the Midwest
Outraged copywriter: I think it's time for lefties to conform and make check marks like the rest of us.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: righty and proud of it
10AM What Else Is Available in the Nation's Capital?
Customer: ... And it's Miss Jameson*, not 'missus.' Why does everyone always assume you're married to some asshole?
801 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
9AM Since Prison, Martha Stewart Has Become Increasingly Volatile
Cube rat: Hell, we were finding underwear on top of the refrigerator for two weeks.
400 N 5th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
5PM He Used to Say "Sausage," but That Led to Trouble
Conductor: Tickets, please... Or in lieu of tickets, breakfast sandwiches will be accepted.
Chicago-bound commuter train
Overheard by: Pirate Alice
4PM His Death Was Ruled a Justifiable Homicide
Cube rat to neighbor: I think it's worth six million dollars. Wait, I didn't write six million, I wrote six thousand... Or is that your writing? ... Oh, that's the square footage... Duh...
1477 Lansdowne Street
Peterborough, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: slacker
3PM We'll Be Married 10 Years This April
Supervisor: I hate Jane Murray* with such glee, my hate for her actually brings me joy.
Manahawkin, New Jersey
2PM Features the Newest Letters and Numbers
Boss looking at her new laptop: There are too many keys.
Bank
New York
Overheard by: Tjay
1PM And Really, How Many Impalements Are You Gonna Do in a Year?
Loud coworker on phone: Well, there you go! ... Except that they're not metal spikes anymore, that's not a bad idea.
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Wondering what they turned into
12PM But Being a Western State Is So Much Cooler
Secretary: Do you think Texas is a southern state?
Wise woman: I guess.
Secretary: It is the furthest south you can go.
2200 Neal Street
Commerce, Texas
Overheard by: Gibby
11AM A Rip in the Space-Time Continuum? Very Bad.
Suit #1: Hey, Jeff*, has there ever been a Friday-the-13th on a Monday?
Suit #2: Uh...
Suit #1: Man, that would be the worst day ever.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
10AM So, in Summary, I'm Sorry about Your Desk
Male coworker: The first time I shit in school was in eleventh grade. It was during Chemistry, after gym class. It was on that day I became a man. Since then I'll shit anywhere, basically.
1372 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: ILmatic
9AM Questions?
Manager: ... And that's why junkies are attractive.
1st Avenue South
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Django
5PM But My Ability to Double Entendre Is Functioning Quite Well
CSR: Hang on, I'll use my fingers... My head isn't working today.
Clovis, New Mexico
Overheard by: 23 minutes longer & i'm outta here
4PM It's the Human Default Setting
Proofreader: Joe*, I'm confused.
Typesetter: Are you? That's perfectly normal.
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
3PM Then They Threw Up and Passed Out
Cube dweller: Yeah, she was having a lot of trouble with the Russians -- they just seemed to get too aggressive.
Chula Vista, California
Overheard by: Amy F.
2PM How to Get Fired in Albuquerque
Boss: I can't get this damn phone to work.
Coworker: It helps if you're just a little bit smarter than the technology.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
1PM One of the More Confusing Motivational Speakers
Grunt: Why the hell should I care if some stupid Egyptian thinks I look like a ragamuffin?
Sutter Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Front Desk
12PM Right from the Start, It's Been a Hard Job
White shirt: Who is in charge of the build here?
Blue shirt: I am in charge of getting it up.
White shirt: Okay, so you're the erection supervisor.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM And Made a Clean Getaway
College worker chick on cell: ... And nachos, so they poured hot sauce on me. But I was wearing happy pants, so I threw them away.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: huh?
10AM What's the Upside Here?
Chick on cell, going to see her dad at work: Not shaving my legs is my chastity belt -- now I can get drunk and not be a slut.
Main Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by:
9AM ... For Sleeping with My Husband
Attorney: I'm so pregnant... My husband always says, 'Honey, you're a whale!' And then I tell him, 'Shut up! You're an immigrant!'
Admin: You should really stop saying that to him.
Attorney: Well, he is, and it's a term of endearment! Like when I call you a dirty whore!
Hackensack, New Jersey
5PM This Is How She Ends Every Conversation
Jewish boss: By the time we're done, we will convert you.
Catholic assistant: Ummm, Jesus is the Messiah. Goodbye.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: intern
4PM And Neither of Them Knows It
Office chick #1: But why does she do that?
Office chick #2: It doesn't matter -- her boyfriend is so gay!
Melbourne
Australia
3PM And He Brings Death to His Enemies
Student: Voldemort is like Bill Fates. He's good at marketing, but he didn't actually come up with Windows.
33 East Congress
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Stubby Boardman
2PM Customer: Wouldya Look at This Bullshit?
Assistant manager, about e-mail to customer: Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Can't Fault a Guy for Wanting Nice Things
Cube dweller: I know he was yelling at me, but he was wearing the same members-only jacket as Rosario from Will and Grace!
523 North Sam Houston Parkway East
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: bemused
12PM IT, the World's Second-Oldest Profession
Lady coworker: I'm going for a walk. My legs are sore from being under that desk all day.
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Tina
11AM Dude, Those Are Self-Sticking Stamps
Records department guy to another: It's great because it's flavored, so you don't get that nasty taste that you normally get.
1740 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM Now Are You Ready to Order?
Waitress: I don't want any sauce touching me... Unless it's being licked off of me.
1027 West Horsetooth Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
9AM A Better Question Is Why They Smell This Way
Employee: Why do you have rubber gloves?
Photographer: Don't worry about that.
Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Not surprised
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