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October 2007 Archives
5PM If You Show Up Dressed As Barney Again, We Will Light Your Tail on Fire
Coworker on phone: Just wear your own clothes.
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: DC Diva
4PM Dammit, I'm Looking for Reasons to Do This
Worker bee #1: I don't know about dating him. I can't get over the age difference. It would be--
Worker bee #2: --Like raping a child?
Worker bee #1: Well, no...
Worker bee #2: Not your, like, son...
Worker bee #1: [Silence.]
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Cube Eavesdropper
3PM And Devote Your Full Attention to It
Peon #1: Did you devote your full attention to this?
Peon #2: Bite me.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM Well, Good Talking in Your General Direction
Programmer #1: Do you watch Maggie and the Ferocious Beast?
Programmer #2: [Silence.]
Programmer #1: Well, Hamilton is the pig. I don't know his last name, but he's the pig in the show.
Programmer #2: [Silence.]
100 Larrabee Road
Westbrook, Maine
1PM If Anyone Asks, We're 10-Year-Old Orphans Who Live in a Maytag Box
Sorority girl #1: I'm just worried we aren't going to have enough money.
Sorority girl #2: No, we wrote a letter to Oprah.
Auburn, Alabama
Overheard by: frightened grad student
12PM And She Doesn't Ask Any Questions.
Lady peon to another: Yeah, she lives in Yaphank. She shares her llamas.
789 Park Avenue
Huntington, New York
Overheard by: Cara
11AM Despite Anything You May Have Heard
Worker: It's not chaos, it's pandemonium. They should call it pandemonium. It's a conundrum.
Traffic manager: I don't want a conundrum in my mouth!
3311 Oak Lawn
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: erin
10AM ... So I Think I'll Vote for Obama Instead
Engineer: So, apparently she holds out her cell phone to people on the street and says, 'This is my husband. Tell him he's an asshole!'
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: thankfully unmarried
9AM Beats the Hell Out of Watching Dancing with the Stars
Tech #1: So, why did the cops pick you up, again? For dressing like a transvestite?
Tech #2: Nah, for hitting my girlfriend. She clocked me back, though, and by the time the cops pulled up we were already making out.
W 28th Street
New York, New York
5PM And the Makeup Sex Is to Die For
Guest speaker: Domestic violence is hot.
Berkeley, California
4PM Superhero Transparent Man Has Problems in the Workplace
Male coworker on phone with female worker: Did you get your areolas clean yet? No! Sorry! I meant did you get your area clean? I was going to offer you some Lysol!
West Sam Houston Parkway
Houston, Texas
3PM The Privilege of Rank
Boss: The thought of it makes me want to throw up, so I thought I'd give it to you.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gee, Thanks
2PM Yeah, Fascism Does Have Its Charms
Teacher: You should all go back in time to where I would walk in the room and you all stand up and say, 'Hello, Professor M*!'
Student: And women shouldn't have the right to vote!
Newton, Massachusetts
1PM My Mind Actually Projects It onto the World
Boss: You got hypnotized by the screen saver?
IT guy: No, I'm watching porn. This is the only screen no one else can see.
Exeter
United Kingdom
12PM I Knew Letting Dennis Quaid Pilot a Ship inside My Body Was a Poor Idea
Cube dweller: Ow, my pancreas!
30 North La Salle Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM I Notice You Didn't Mention Anything About Sobriety...
Worker #1: So, what time do you usually stroll into the office in the morning? I'm assuming you're not an eight AM guy...
Worker #2: What makes you think that?
Worker #1: I'm older -- I know things.
Worker #2: And because I sprint into the office 'cause I'm always late.
Worker #1: So, what time is safe for a meeting? Meaning you need to be able to one: talk, two: listen, three: understand, and four: ask questions if you have them.
336 Robert Street
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Justin
10AM Hoping to Be Reborn As a Gentile?
Worker bee: Do I smell bacon, or am I just having a really awesome stroke?
175 Remsen Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: cubicle island
9AM Lack of Conscience and Sense of Entitlement. Why?
Staffer #1: In your view, how are sociopaths and psychopaths different?
Staffer #2: Why are you doing this?
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
5PM What Kind of Flowers?
Black suit on cell: Lemme get this straight -- she filed a restraining order against you and you're still calling her and sending her flowers? That ain't love, man. That's... insanity.
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Kim
4PM ... It's Probably Time for a Haircut
Coworker to intern: I mean, not that you're a terrorist, but...
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Seriously?
3PM From My Big Book of Conversation Killers
Peon #1: Mmmm... I love these doughnuts. I could even eat them without the icing, the dough is so soft.
Peon #2: Like your flesh.
Tim Mei Avenue
Hong Kong
China
2PM Another Zipper Accident, Ed?
Cube dweller: Well, I'm in a curious pickle... Can anyone else see?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM It's a Lovely Chenille
Employee: I didn't ask to be employee of the month -- the mantle was thrust upon me!
Housewares store
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
12PM No Wonder the Pages Get Upset with Us
Boss: G-mail chat is like the grown-up, mature version of AIM, even though we still talk about pee-pee and poo-poo.
2 Massachusetts Avenue
Washington, DC
11AM You Know How She Kinda Leaves a Bad Taste in Your Mouth?
Suit: You know, this whole process is like making out with your cousin.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Then I Huff Glue in the Supply Closet and Cheer Right Up
Agent #1: I am really upset today about something I saw on the History Channel...
Agent #2: Was it about Nazis?
Agent #1: No, it was about the universe. There are theories out there that say the universe will end in about five billion years.
Agent #2: And that upsets you? Why?
Agent #1: Well, if it is all just going to up and end one day, then what's the point of me doing all this paperwork bullshit?
Agent #2: Oh, I know, it really gets to me too, sometimes.
Washington, DC
9AM Don't Even Get Them Started on Sippy Cups
Suit #1: What was that?
Suit #2: What?
Suit #1: You just hid something when I came up.
Suit #2: It was my juice box, because it's... You know...
Suit #1: What? There's nothing wrong with drinking juice from a box. I love juice boxes.
Assistant, walking up: What are you guys talking about?
Both suits, in unison: Nothing.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
5PM For Those Who Are Always Getting Sucker-Taught
Coworker #1: You know how there are teachable moments?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: Well, there should also be punchable moments.
Austin, Texas
4PM I'd Like to Push Another Boulder Up a Different Hill
Employee #1: If you want to send me your resume, I'll see if they're looking to hire designers. I think they are.
Employee #2: Does the place resemble Hell?
Employee #1: You mean like here?
Employee #2: Yeah. Like, if it's a few shades lighter red, and about half the amount of writhing souls, I'd be interested.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: cube prisoner
3PM Oh, Sure, Now That You Put It That Way
Coworker #1, carrying on secret relationship with #2: What are you trying to say?
Coworker #2: I'm not saying anything. You know what I'm saying.
Coworker #1: What are you trying to say?
Coworker #2: I'm not saying anything. You know what I'm saying.
Hospital
New York
2PM The Statute of Limitations Has Expired
Truck driver: Back in the old days, Larry* used to take bribes, Larry used to give bribes, Larry ran the company the way it should be run!
Dispatcher: Do you know what you just said?
Truck driver: I know what I just said!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: extracaffeinated
1PM Consumers Resist the Next Generation of IPods
Worker lady: I told him, 'You're not going to get the whole thing in -- I have a small mouth and a gag problem.'
343 State Street
Rochester, New York
12PM As a Condition of His Parole
Suit #1: Well, what about Harry*? We could put him on the local board. He has a lot of connections around the city.
Suit #2: Wait, didn't he just get out of prison?
Suit #3: Eh, he's paid his debt to society. Plus, I'm sure he's looking for a job.
Conference room
New York, New York
11AM And We'll Have the Scars to Prove It
Sales person: Hmmm... Are you doing the billing today since Sherry* is out?
Trainee: I'm going to try.
Sales person: Well, don't mess up my billing or I'll kick your ass.
Trainee: Promise?
Sales person: Oh, yes.
Trainee: My pain is your pleasure.
Sales person: You and I will get along fine.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM We Will Now Commence with the Floggings
Manager: Okay, creatives, since [creative director] is away this week, I've decided to make you comfortable: Motherfucker, cunt, snatch, bitch, motherfucker!
Adelaide Street
West Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: just passing through
9AM Someone's Been Listening to State of the Union Addresses Again
Waitress #1: What's with your couple at table five? It's impossible to tell how old they are. They could be in their 20s or 50s.
Waitress #2: That's 'cause they're foreign. All foreign people look like vampires.
River Street
Savannah, Georgia
5PM Good Thing He Hired That Guy to Express Emotions for Him
Attorney #1: Where's Stew*?
Attorney #2: Getting Botoxed.
Attorney #1: Oh, god, not again.
1202 Kettner Boulevard
San Diego, California
4PM Whoever Answers the Phone Will Be Happy to Abuse You
Office girl on phone: I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Is there something I can do to you? Shit. I mean for you?
Cornwall
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Christina
3PM All While We Were Supposed to Be Paying Attention to the Professor
Preppy student: Hey, do you guys remember that penis enlargement video we watched in business class? Yeah, that was hilarious.
529 Vaughan Road
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: oh-that-new-curriculum
2PM At Least, I Think That's What It Was
Suit #1: I think my memory has improved since I started taking those Ginkgo biloba tablets.
Suit #2: Really? I bought a bottle of those, like, two months ago, but I don't remember where I put it.
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
1PM Our Secret Formula -- It's Working!
Coworker: There are people making out on the lawn! [Everyone rushes to window to look.]
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Thanking God I'm not white trash
12PM Luckily It Was Faulkner, So Neither of Us Understood It Anyway
Lady peon: So, I was going home on the train the other night, and this drunk guy sat next to me, and I was just sitting reading my book, and I could tell that he was looking at me, so I wasn't looking at him. And then he starts talking, and I realize he's been reading over my shoulder the entire time and now he's reading out loud, and I was like, 'Hey! I haven't even gotten to that part yet!'
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Now He's a Christian -- and Not in the Good Way
Boss: Yeah, he was into doing drugs -- and not in the good way.
San Francisco, California
10AM What Do They Expect at a Snail Salon?
Large customer lady: I leave a big puddle... That's how people know I've been here!
Melbourne
Australia
9AM Everybody Says That about the Vatican
Suit: It was kind of like Little Red Riding Hood, except with Mexican hookers.
Irving, Texas
5PM Like All the Terrorists Have Agreed to Do
Older gentleman at counter: So, if my application is approved for the remote entry program, I can enter the U.S. after hours?
Customs officer: Yes, sir.
Older gentleman: But what's with this border passport requirement?
Customs officer, uncomfortable: The remote entry pass is for when the port is closed, sir. You will still need a passport to enter when we are open.
Customs office, Northern Border
4PM We Couldn't Even Give Away the Faux Faux-Leather Ones
Make-up counter girl: ... And can I interest you in our free gift?
Customer: Sure! What is it?
Make-up girl: It's a real faux leather bag!
Department store, 34th Street
New York, New York
3PM Any Normal Kid in Boy's Town
Smoking peon: I was like any normal kid -- give me a Butane Torch, and I'm gonna burn everything I can find.
22nd Street and 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Christina
2PM What? The Man Needs a Branch Manager
Clerk #1: My boss is bad off because he ain't had a BM for weeks.
Clerk #2: Ass-kisser.
Central Park West and 71st Street
New York, New York
1PM The Joke's On You -- Those Are Decoy Pop-Tarts
Worker leaving office to coworker on phone: Hurry up or I'm going to poke your Pop-Tarts.
5th and Jackson
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: D
12PM The Basement Is Visibly Firmer
20-something worker #1: You know, I've never had a bikini wax. Never.
20-something worker #2: What? How do you keep yourself... fresh down there?
20-something worker #1: Neutrogena works like a charm.
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Bored in NJ
11AM Afford Homes
Peon #1: Yeah, I got the printer from this place that sells refurbished computers. Homeless people do it.
Peon #2: Ahhh, homeless people. What can't they do?
12 Desbrosses Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace
10AM Is Anybody Prosecuting the Vatican Over Rosary Beads?
Communications manager to public relations specialist about sex toy ban in Alabama: Well, we really can't control the situation if someone chooses to take one of our novelty items and stimulate their genitals with it.
Sex toy company
Virginia
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
9AM Tonight's Movie: Sideways
Coworker #1: When she [pregnant supervisor] saw what we did here, she almost had her baby.
Coworker #2: In a bad way?
Coworker #3: Nobody has a baby in a good way!
640 5th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM To Hear Me Speak Like an Automated System, Press 1...
Pharmacy tech on phone: Thanks for calling ABC Pharmacy*... Yes, ma'am. Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am! Just speak your refill number to me -- don't punch it in your phone!
Braselton Highway
Dacula, Georgia
Overheard by: PharmDawg
4PM Just Sent Us Hatemail for Calling It "Canadia"
Male peon: So, where are you guys located, anyway?
Customer: We're in Guyana.
Male peon: Oh, over in Africa, eh?
Black coworker, yelling from four cubicles over to male peon: Stan*, you're an idiot!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
3PM Oh, That Customer Again?
Cube rat: How do you say 'ejaculation' in Pig Latin?
11 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
2PM And Where Else Would We Store Our Hash?
Male cop: Just so you know, no matter what she said, I was not trying to play with her boobs. I was just trying to throw something down in there... You can ask Susan* -- she was there.
Augusta, Georgia
Overheard by: uh... didn't need to know that
1PM I Hadn't Thought That Far Ahead
Barista #1: So, what are you going to do with the dead bodies?
Barista #2: Ummm...
Starbucks
California
Overheard by: Aubrey
12PM Like "Chubby" and "Spanky" Were Any Better?
Employee #1, reading newspaper: This guy's name is Poon Tang! I can't believe they printed his name!
Employee #2: Isn't Poon Tang something they said on The Little Rascals?
Knoxville, Tennessee
11AM Can't Get Much Safer Than That
Lady employee to friend: Looks like we're both going solo together tonight.
Club, 815 V Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Matt
10AM Is He Supposed to Keep Coming Back?
Expansion specialist to trainee: So, did you put the dead guy in 'Deceased'?
4833 Rugby Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
9AM The Judge Now Talks through a Hand Puppet
Attorney to secretary: You should be excited! There are no penises this time!
Courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Walking In At The Wrong Time
5PM Sailing in Search of the Rest of Your Simile
Consultant on phone: You need to set corporate goals. Without goals, you're like a boat on the water.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Frumious Bandersnatch
4PM Hey, It's Your Name
CSR on phone: Your name, please?
Client: Patti Thomson*. That's Thompson, without a P.
CSR: No P in Patti?!
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM And I'm Not Going Down Alone
Worker lady: This year is my last birthday.
Post office, 10 Atlantic Street
Newark, New Jersey
2PM Mind If I Watch You Work?
Manager: Hey, you got a sec?
Developer: What's up?
Manager: I'm trying to figure out how much to charge the client for that new feature. How hard would it be for you to add it?
Developer, smirking: I can do it in 10 minutes... with my dick.
Manager: Sooo... about five hundred bucks then.
543 Richmond Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: laughing new guy
1PM Every Office Has Its Own Oral History
Office tech, fiddling with printer: I'm still getting that sensor dustiness error.
Office bimbette: Oh! I know how to fix that! You have to open it up and blow. Just give it a good blow and then it's fine!
922 3rd Street
Sedro-Wolley, Washington
Overheard by: T-Rex
12PM Trying to Turn on the Wheels in Her Brain Is the Hard Part
Blonde peon #1: My husband just texted me to tell me to turn on my all-wheel drive. He must think I'm an idiot.
Blonde peon #2: Well, it is icy.
Blonde peon #1: I mean, I only have four-wheel drive.
18th and Oak Streets
Kansas City, Missouri
11AM Twelve Full Months of Scary Doll Eyes
Worker: Hello! Are you looking for anything in particular?
Eight-year-old boy: Barbie!
Calendar kiosk, Victoria Mall
Victoria, Texas
10AM Sorry, Feminist Theory Is Down the Hall
Professor: So, you see how within Foucault's understanding power always returns, because it is in the very organization of our thoughts?
Student in back row: Those sons of bitches!
2001 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
9AM Great Work, John.
Boss: How long do I still have to wait for those reports?
Worker: Steve* is doing the final results. [Both stare at Steve.]
Steve, coming out of a reverie: A polar bear is as tall as an elephant!
New York, New York
Overheard by: WTF
5PM The Shareholders Are Rolling Over and Falling Asleep
President of the board: Okay, what else do we have to go over? Are we finished here?
Boss: Yes, I think we've shot our wad.
Washington, DC
4PM ... And Then Flinging Them at Michael Richards
Bulgarian coworker: There is nothing like the joy of opening a can of tomatoes.
13251 Roosevelt Boulevard
Clearwater, Florida
Overheard by: her accent makes it sound great
3PM ... And The Little Mermaid
Male peon #1: I watched that movie Roadhouse every day for like five years. Literally.
Male peon #2: I was like that with the first Lethal Weapon.
Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM You Have to Be Able to Engineer As Directed
Engineer: I have a college degree in engineering. I know about these things.
Line lead: Well, I've got a big dick... That doesn't make me a porn star! [Engineer leaves.]
Boat factory
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: i dont want to see that movie
1PM But Don't You Need to Know My Lineage?
Caller: Yes, I would like to confirm my reservation for tonight. My surname is Tango Anglo-Saxon, Newfoundland--
Receptionist: Um, sir, you lost me at 'Tango.' Can I just have the first three letters of your last name?
Kinzie and State Streets
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Only If It's Rubbed with Truffles
Mid-level manager: I didn't know ham could smell fear.
Highland Hills, Ohio
11AM It Really Was All Fun and Games Until He Lost That Eye
Male worker: There's already been a killing over a PlayStation 3.
Female worker who waited in line but didn't get one: Well, at least he got to play it for a while!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: The Temp
10AM Good to Know the Handshaking Rules -- Thanks!
Lawyer: No, no, men can't touch women, but women can touch men.
Paralegal: Oh, okay. Didn't know.
Lawyer: Yeah, but whatever.
Law office
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Pointless Temp
9AM Um, She's Thirty-Five.
CEO: Oh, that's the guy with the gaggle of kids, right? The ugly ones.
Project coordinator: They're not all ugly! The little one, Erica*, is cute!
CEO: She just hasn't grown into her ugly yet.
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
5PM No, Sir -- Just Invite the Media to Join Us
Executive: I once had to tell a supreme court judge to remove his martini from the canoe. The judge was attending an opening reception of a museum exhibition. He said to me, 'What are you going to do, sue me?'
San Francisco, California
4PM Blamestorming Is a Critical Part of the Planning Process
VP, jokingly: ... And this is the part of the project where we'll assign blame when we have to.
Marketing manager: We're expecting blame?
VP: Oh, sure -- blame is like water: it gets through any cracks and always works its way downwards.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM She'll Do Anything to Boost The Simple Life's Ratings
Salesman: Hello, Nicole*.
Receptionist, collapsing on the floor: Oh my god! I'm throwing myself off the building!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Temporary Receptionist
2PM Like a Play within a Play, but with Much More Poop
Volunteer to another, in giraffe house: You should have been here last night -- it was a total zoo.
Denver Zoo
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Randy Peterman
1PM You Always Manage to Live Down to My Expectations
Boss: You know, every day it gets harder and harder to underestimate you.
Innovation Drive
Wauwatosa, Wisconsin
12PM They've Gone beyond Even a Gentleman's "C"
Heavy male coworker: I really need to go on a diet. My tits are getting way too big.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: thesugarmonster
11AM The Girl Scouts Are All Over It
Chubby peon: I'll eat anything as long as it's a cookie. Even if it's frog-flavored.
Austin, Texas
10AM Really Breaks Up the Monotony of Crying and Feeding My Cat
Pretty bisexual waitress: You've got to have something to look forward to -- one way or the other, I'm getting laid tonight.
Ugly asexual waiter: I know what you mean -- I'm going to have breakfast food for dinner.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM That's the Last Time I Let Uncle Walter Take Me on a Cruise
Newly married office girl: Swallowing is not my idea of a vacation.
Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: these walls are thin
5PM Okay, So Part of That Was in My Head
Professor: A few years ago I had a student ask me for an alternative final because he had scheduled a vacation in Barcelona for the week of the final. I told him, 'Die, yuppie scum! And no.'
Engineering building, UC Santa Cruz
California
Overheard by: Jessica P.
4PM Geez, Don't Be Such an Eyeore.
Bank assistant VP #1: It all comes, said Pooh, of not hiring the right people.
Bank assistant VP #2: Exactly... Wait, did you say 'said Pooh'?
9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
3PM Probably Time for Some New Ones, Anyway
Worker bee: I guess he's a she now. Or again, I guess. Gender pronouns don't really apply, apparently.
3215 Corporate Court
Ellicott City, Maryland
2PM They'll Help Us Whip This Project into Shape
Smart guy: I sent a copy of that e-mail out to the S&M guys, too.
Conference call audience: Okay, sounds good.
Progress Boulevard
Alachua, Florida
Overheard by: Cramped office-mate
1PM And Is a Dog's Mouth Really Cleaner Than a Person's?
Big boss, after company-wide sales meeting: Are there any questions?
Employee #1: Yeah -- how come all of a sudden the soda machine only gives back one quarter from a dollar?
Big boss: How much?
Employee #1: Just one quarter.
Big boss: Did it used to give more?
Employee #1: Yes, I used to get two back.
Employee #2: Soda is 75 cents.
Employee #1: I've been here for 13 years and it's been the same -- I always get two quarters back.
Employee #2: I've been here for two years and it's been 75 cents for at least that long. Maybe the machine was broken.
Employee #1: No, it wasn't broken!
Big boss: You have to stop now.
233 Spring Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: get me out of here
12PM Uses Perfect Grammar When Speaking to Himself
Employee, after hanging up with client: That was the most stupidest person I have ever spoke to.
44th Street and Camelback Road
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Grammatically Offended Boss
11AM Reader Poll: Who's Your Office Kevin?
Receptionist answering phone: XYZ Law Firm*. How can I help you?
Assistant, on the phone: Hey, it's Kevin*. While I'm buying supplies, can I get myself some candy?
Receptionist: No, just get what's on the list.
Assistant: But last time I got candy and everyone liked it.
Receptionist: No, no candy.
Assistant: Okay. Um, about the light bulbs... Did you want me to buy frosted or clear ones?
Receptionist: I don't know. It doesn't matter. Just get the clear.
Assistant: Yeah... Um, no. They don't have any clear.
2223 East Speedway Boulevard
Tucson, Arizona
10AM But I'm Thinking There Should Be
Office girl on the phone with boyfriend: So, my therapist says that I'm doing a great job. He said I could be the poster girl for mentally ill people who are successful because I take my meds, go to work, have a healthy relationship and stuff, you know? And I was totally flattered and agreeing with him, but then I thought, 'You know, my parents are proud of me and stuff, but they wouldn't want the world knowing I'm psycho, and it would probably embarrass them a little.' So my doctor looks at me and says, 'Um, you know there's not really a poster girl, right?'
214 Lincoln Street
Allston, Massachusetts
9AM Is It Possible Semen Doesn't Cure Gingivitis, Either?
Lady coworker #1 reading a website: Here it says, 'Sleep is the best cure for a headache.'
Lady coworker #2: My boyfriend always says sex is the best cure for a headache... He's lying to me!
University of Münster
Germany
5PM I May Have Given Him One of the Kids
Cube rat: Dude, I got so drunk last night! I ran into this guy I haven't seen in 20 years -- he owns a tow truck. I got so drunk that he put my car on the truck and drove me home!
2300 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Sober but Empathetic
4PM What Do You Mean by "Try"?
CSR: Would you like to try it in your mouth?
4700 River Road
Riverdale, Maryland
3PM It's Hard to Believe This Joke Is Still Funny at a Pizza Place
Customer: Is my pizza ready?
Cashier, yelling: Hey! Is this guy's 12-inch out yet?
Manager, laughing: Did you just say that?!
Cashier, blushing: Oh! Oh my god!
Fort Hood, Texas
Overheard by: can I get one of those?
2PM Probably Why She Has Problems Landing the Plane
CSR #1: She just has a hard time with things, you know? Being deaf and partially blind and all...
CSR #2: Well, that can be hard.
Austin, Texas
1PM Cheney: I Swear, I Go through This Every Day!
Employee #1: I was just printing that thing you asked for!
Employee #2: This isn't what I asked for.
Employee #1: Yes, it is -- it's hotel information.
Employee #2: It is, but I asked you for information on a meeting.
Employee #1: Okay...
Employee #2: ... And you printed hotel information.
Employee #1: Right.
Employee #2, sighing: Where is the meeting information?
Employee #1: Oh! The meeting! You should have just said that in the first place, silly!
Employee #2: I-- Just forget it.
Employee #1: Okie dokie!
Waltham, Massachusetts
12PM Something Wrong with Your Lap, Buddy?
Old sales associate: Can I help you find something?
Customer: Yeah, where are the TV trays?
Old sales associate: Huh?
Customer: TV trays -- which aisle are they in?
Old sales associate: I don't know what those are.
Customer: The trays you have in front of you while you watch TV. You know, TV trays. People eat on them.
Old sales associate: I don't think we sell those, but you might want to check Electronics.
Customer: Uh, sure.
Omaha, Nebraska
11AM Ma'am This Is the New South
Old white lady: Excuse me, where do you keep your knickers?
White supervisor, nervously: What? I don't have any...
Clothing store
Ocala, Florida
10AM That, and They Mess Up Your Room While You're Sleeping
Woman: I wanted to find out the status of the investigation on my stolen bike. It happened three weeks ago, and I haven't heard back.
Cop: Well, ma'am, we've been busy with the orange alert.
Woman: I'm sorry -- orange alert?
Cop: Ma'am, we're in a war.
Woman: A war?!
Cop: The war with Iraq?
Woman: ... You mean the fucking Iraqis stole my bike?!
Washington, DC
9AM Wherever That Might Be
Dean: I don't think we can be the best in the United States, but I do think we have a shot at being the best in the world.
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
5PM So Other Than That, Things Are Good?
Counter guy on phone: Where are you? What is that sound? ... Oh! I knew it was a tornado!
Connecticut
4PM When It's Kill-or-Cure Time
Coworker to another who's holding McDonald's: God, I love the taste of sausage when I'm hung over.
1500 NW 118th Street
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Trevor
3PM Why -- What Did You Want to Do for Mom's 80th Birthday?
Cube dweller: I think we should force her to get drunk and embarrass her. After all, that's our way!
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McF
2PM Rocky IV Put Her into a Deep Depression for Weeks
Male peon: I'm confused... What ever happened to the dad on Good Times? Did he actually die?
Lady peon: I don't think so, but I'm going to be really sad when Carl Weathers dies.
51st Street and Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Thanks for Sharing
Secretary on phone: No, I haven't been well lately. I've had a bout of shingles all summer. From my breast bone to my hip, all down my right side... Shingles! No, shingles! Do you know what that is? It's herpes! All down my right side!
1 Beacon Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Yeah, the Cardinal's Vestments Totally Rocked
Cube girl: It was like Donald Trump in Hammer pants.
Stratford, Connecticut
11AM I Promise Never to Play My Waterfall CD in the Office Again
HR drone: I apologize for any incontinence this may have caused.
Yonkers, New York
10AM Even the Attorney General Can't Do That Indefinitely
Helper: You're wonderful -- like a pie face.
Receptionist: Like a pie face? Wonderful people are like pie faces?
Helper: Um, obviously you don't understand I have my own language.
Receptionist: ... Well, then what's a pizza foot?
Helper: Look, you can't just be making things up!
4601 Spicewood Springs Road
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
9AM Tell Me How You Know That
Older receptionist: I can't believe they're making such a big fuss over Tom Brady's baby. I mean, you know he's going to be a great dad. He'll pay for everything. That kid is going to be very well-endowed.
Secretary: Uh... Right...
200 Clarendon Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: secretariat
5PM It Delivered a Christmas Warning and Vanished
Lady suit: It was a full moon and I saw a cow standing right in my front yard!
Intern, slightly freaked out: Oh my god.
Lady suit: Yeah, with the moon shining it looked like it was glowing green.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Marie
4PM Socialism Was Fleeting but the Bud Light Dog Is Forever
Teacher: Does anyone know what Sputnik was?
Student: That's, like, a dog, right?
High school
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kong
3PM "Janey's Got a Gun"?
Music industry worker: I want to hear that one pretty song about her dad dying.
150 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM With No Yeast?
Employee: Hi! Can I help you?
Woman: Can I have a six-inch BLT on Italian?
Employee: I'm sorry, we're out of Italian.
Woman: Can I just have white bread?
Employee: That's the same as Italian.
Woman: Do you have plain bread?
13600 Solomons Island Road
Solomons, Maryland
Overheard by: I hate Jared.
1PM It's Really Just Packaging
Cop: Pick me up a diet water.
Secretary: If they don't have diet, is regular okay?
Police department
New Jersey
12PM When Richard Simmons Forgets to Take His Lithium
Male to female worker: I always support you. I empower you... You piece of shit.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: Office Manager
11AM I Hate This Place
Cube dweller: Just don't go around wearing green tights and you're good.
Addison, Texas
10AM Are We Done Yet?
Boss: Do you have five minutes so I can talk to you for a sec?
Orlando, Florida
9AM And You're Positively Glowing with Health!
Employee: I really like the new floor tiles you picked for the office!
Boss: Good thing, too. These old tiles were put in in the 1950s, and I just found out they were made with cobalt.
Employee: Ah.
Boss: Yeah, they're actually radioactive.
Employee: Huh?
Boss: A Geiger counter would totally pick up on the radiation in here!
Employee: Ummm...
Boss: But it's not really a problem -- it would take decades of exposure to effect you, really.
Employee: I've been here 18 years.
Music agency
Vienna
Austria
5PM Don't Get Out Much?
Employee on phone: How's the weather there? Is it sunny?
Speaker: It's raining.
Employee on phone: Oh. So is the sun shining?
Des Moines, Iowa
4PM 9999: "Other"
Grunt #1 on phone: They said that I was down there for one of two reasons -- to buy drugs or find a prostitute.
Grunt #2, after #1 hangs up: I don't want to know. As long as it was billable...
Grunt #1: What's the task code for hiring a prostitute?
180 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: in tears
3PM Dr., Have You Noticed That the Men in This Ward Have Seizures Every Weekday Afternoon?
Old man worker #1, across the room: Is the softball team jumping around again?
Old man worker #2, looking out the window: No, they're running now.
Old man worker #1: That's just as good.
College Boulevard
Overland Park, Kansas
2PM Most Extras in Hollywood Are Golems Now
Foreign producer on phone: I tell him it's okay if you're dead... We'll make from him a midget...
Film studio
Hollywood, California
1PM Large and Cold and Benign?
Worker #1: Did you vote?
Worker #2: I can't vote.
Worker #1: Why not?
Worker #2: I'm not a citizen.
Worker #1: You're from here, no?
Worker #2: No, I'm from Canada.
Worker #1: Oh... You don't look like a Canadian.
45 Rockefeller Center
New York, New York
12PM What Happened to Bacon?
Intern girl #1: What's that smell?
Intern girl #2: What smell?
Intern girl #1: It's like... Grape Popsicles.
Intern girl #2: Ah, yes. That's the smell of the law.
City Hall
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Rachel
11AM Bring a Friend
Male coworker: When are you going to come out of your cave and socialize?
Female coworker: Why don't you just come in my cave?!
810 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hmmm... Maybe I will
10AM And Is That a Giraffe?
Female office worker: I think I like this purse more than my Coach purse. It fits more stuff. I could fit a burrito in here! Actually, I do have a burrito in here.
350 Los Ranchitos Road
San Rafael, California
9AM Pointless Self-Glorification?
Employee emerging from stockroom, singing: Tookie's in the house! Y'all already know what he's about!
Office supply store
New York, New York
Overheard by: NCS
5PM I Place the Blame Squarely on Television
Worker bee to another: Did you hear our children are going to be the first generation to be stupider than their parents?
Pharmaceutical company
New Jersey
Overheard by: Intern
4PM But It Turns Out I Was Wrong
Receptionist on phone in earshot of a client: She said that she told her manager, 'I hate my fucking job.' I told her that it was completely inappropriate to say 'fuck' at work.
Austin, Texas
3PM How about Just the Minor Drug Offenders?
Coworker: Did you hear? Jerry Brown is our new Attorney General!
Boss: That's it! Open up all the prisons! Set the prisoners free! And give them all marijuana on the way out!
708 Fiero Lane
San Luis Obispo, California
2PM Whether You Live There or Not!
Boss: You shouldn't throw glass stones at a house!
155 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
1PM The Locals Always Suffer When There's a Vibrant Tourism-Based Economy
Coworker: I asked HR for two rubbers and she only gave me one! This happens every time.
Rama 1 Road
Bangkok
Thailand
Overheard by: Bangkok Lawyer
12PM Mitt Romney?
Office peon: Well, guess who one of them was? Guess who one of the lesbian gypsies was?!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM To What Extent Are You Her?
Old, crazy worker lady: Hey, what department do you work in?
New girl: I work in XYZ department*.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, what do you do there?
New girl: I'm an assistant.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, you're a lawyer?
New girl: No, I'm an assistant. My name's Erin Murray*.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, Erin Murray! Oh, I know her -- I'm a big fan of her work.
South Carolina
Overheard by: stuck in sc
10AM I Promise Not to Hold Your Hand to the Waffle-Iron Again
Manager to petrified new waitress: Relax, dammit! I said to relax!
8511 Lilley Road
Canton, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
9AM Purring and Headbutting Means She Likes You
Receptionist: I told him, 'It doesn't matter if she's weird or if she meows like a cat, she's still your teacher...'
4 Choke Cherry Road
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: I never had teachers like that
5PM Because I Borrowed It
Secretary to lawyer: Was that your condom they found on the second floor of the parking garage?
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM I-W-I-S-H-I-C-O-U-L-D-F-I-R-E-Y-O-U
Boss: Hey, how do you spell 'Japanese'? [Peon spells it.] Hmmm, do you think she was Japanese? How do you spell 'Chinese'? [Peon spells it.] I don't know if she was Chinese, though... Here's what we'll do -- [begins typing letter] 'The child speaks Asian...' Wait, how do you spell 'Asian'?
1000 West Central Road
Mount Prospect, Illinois
Overheard by: I work here?
3PM Love the Orange Lipstick, Though
Blonde manager: These hooker shoes are killing my feet.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM But You're Certainly Correct about Her Gargantuan Gazongas
Male intern, about passing coworker: Wow... Those were some tremendous titties.
Female manager: Okay, so you know I'm your manager, right? You probably shouldn't say 'titties' to me.
Plymouth, Michigan
1PM Dude, You're on Speakerphone
VP, after phone call: What are these guys, incompetent? [Looks at phone] Is that thing hung up?
Ventura and Balboa Boulevards
Encino, California
Overheard by: Wish I didn't work in the Valley
12PM I Beg Your Pardon
Coworker: So, when a new client comes in we lock them up in the Olive Garden.
Manager, after a moment: You mean 'walled garden'?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I am hungry
11AM Just Let 'em Eat While They Nap
Cube chick: How do you love a hamster?!
11460 Johns Creek Parkway
Duluth, Georgia
10AM Customers Are Starting to Complain
Sales rep answering phone: Sales department... Oh, hi... Really? Thank God, because I have been scratching down there all night!
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM I Wouldn't Wait, If I Were You
Loud lady peon: Hey, Sheryl*, whenever you want to come over here and smell me, go ahead!
Fairchild Court
Plainview, New York
Overheard by: Tina
5PM Fridge: Beginning Ice Dump. Overwrite BIOS?
Lab rat #1: What was the IT guy doing here?
Lab rat #2: Connecting the refrigerator to the Internet... There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
Fordham University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Andrea
4PM Since Most of the People We Deal with Are Essentially Potted Plants
Sales guy, about customer: She's an idiot.
Customer service manager: Awesome!
4755 Walnut Street
Boulder, Colorado
3PM Slightly below That Monkey Who Typed Shakespeare
IT guy: There's a spectrum between those who are completely illiterate and those who are completely literate, and the people who write the news are somewhere in-between.
Tonopah, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
2PM ... He Brings a Different Wife to Every Office Party
Boss: I'm not saying he's a polygamist, but...
29th Street
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: mfk
1PM So You Might Want to Hold Your Nose
Accountant to another: Have I mentioned that I need to depreciate?
Anselmo Lane
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Carlen
12PM She's the Most Dedicated Veterinarian We Know
Office girl #1: I wonder where's Karen's* been.
Office girl #2: The bitch convention.
Office girl #1: She's probably the keynote speaker.
Jackson Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: another karen* hater
11AM Mrs. Clinton Takes Care to Maintain Her Authority
Boss, yelling in gruff voice: Mine's bigger!
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mickey the Intern
10AM The Plot Thickens...
Cube rat on phone: I saw the puppy on my lunch break... Yeah, now I have to go home and scrub the bathroom floor with my teeth.
Irving, Texas
9AM Roughly 200 of Those in Elevators
Repairman in elevator, to another: So, what's wrong with having sex? People been havin' sex for hundreds of years.
Research Drive
Durham, North Carolina
5PM They're Opening for Shroud of Turin
Female analyst: Actually, my parents are in town this weekend. I think we're going to go see the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Male analyst: Oh! The Dead Sea Scrolls! You mean... the band?
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Bored Actuarial Intern
4PM Tonight's Movie: Final Fantasy
Female coworker to male coworker: You need to squeeze as you smell the hole to make air come out.
Richmond, Virginia
3PM Maybe Back When We Had a Functioning Democracy They Were
Government employee #1, explaining the organization: Yeah, we do a lot of work with countries in Africa and South America... Countries without functioning democracies...
Government employee #2: But wait -- we've worked with England and Japan, too. It's not just the B-list countries.
Government employee #3: Wait, aren't all countries B-list in relation to the U.S.?
666 11th Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM As Required by the Lesbian Code
Female coworker: ... And you know what she did? She went to hug me, and when she did they shot her.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM The One That Looks Like a Penis
Phone room worker to respondent: Hi, I'm calling from XYZ Research*, and we're doing a survey on Canadian politics. May I speak with a male who's 18 or older? ... Well, are you a male? A male. A male is a man... Do you have a penis? A penis? It's the male genitalia... Great. First, what province do you live in?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: phone room peon
12PM For the Last Time, This Is a Library
Boss on phone: I am not your proctologist today, sir!
3500 Boulevard de Maisonneuve
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: the receptionist
11AM I've Been Doing Enough Yoga That It's Physically Possible
Office girl in stall: Fuck this! Fuck you, uterus! I'll kick your ass!
16th Street
Tempe, Arizona
10AM But That Has Nothing to Do with Curious George
Boss: Have you ever heard of a book with a swastika on the cover that didn't sell?
555 8th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Or Get Stoned to the Point Where This Question Doesn't Matter?
Summer worker #1: I think I smoke too much weed.
Summer worker #2: Yeah... But at least you won't get glaucoma.
Summer worker #3: What's glaucoma?
Summer worker #1: It's an eye disease. Maybe you should smoke more so you don't get it.
Summer worker #3: But what about lung cancer?
Summer worker #2: Look, would you rather see or breathe?!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
5PM Hint: Last Year's Office Christmas Party
Merchandiser #1: Do you really want to name this catalog spread 'Circle Jerk'? Doesn't that sound a little porn-ish?
Merchandiser #2: Why? What do you think 'circle jerk' means?
Monroe, Louisiana
4PM After Luring and Shooting It
Office lady: I don't understand why he got life in prison. All he did was try to help dispose of the body.
100 West 33rd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: C-Rizzy
3PM The Disneyland Brochure Merely Says, "The Happiest Place on Earth"
Travel agent: The fact that there are a lot of prostitutes there is not my fault.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Is It Legal to Say That in Indiana?
CFO: Fourth floor is going to Hooters. I don't like Hooters. I like Dick's.
1 North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Peon
1PM I Mean, the Dog, the Cane -- What Would You Think?
Boss to client on phone: I walked her home every day for months because I thought she was blind!
1430 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
12PM Denny's?
Office grunt: Now if I say something tastes like shit, I'll have a frame of reference.
Hyde Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: A.D.
11AM That'll Be a Thriller
Old woman: She's been doing the moonwalk.
Young woman: That's great!
Old woman: They're waiting to find out the results of her biopsy.
Young woman: Yeah...
417 3rd Avenue
Albany, Georgia
10AM How You Know You're Spending Too Much Time with Your Coworkers
Young blonde secretary: My boyfriend's in jail. He's got another year to go.
Avuncular man: Why do you need this loser? Is this the best you can do?
Young blonde secretary: I don't know. I guess I should break up with him, but I don't know why I don't.
Avuncular man: How can you not know? If you saw a child smearing chocolate all over the walls and you asked him, 'Why are you doing that?' and he said, 'I don't know,' what would you say to him?
Young blonde secretary: I'd say, 'Stop it!' ... So I guess I should just stop it, huh?
Avuncular man: And if he didn't stop, you'd slap the shit out of him, wouldn't you?
Young blonde secretary: Yeah... But I don't know why I don't stop.
Avuncular man: Well, don't take this the wrong way, but if you were my daughter, I'd slap some sense into you.
Young blonde secretary: Yeah, my father has tried that.
Avuncular man: Apparently he didn't slap you hard enough.
Secretary's boss, walking into room: Are you talking about your boyfriend again?
Lawyer's office
Rockville Center, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
9AM She Went to Prom with the Man in the Yellow Hat
Summer associate to managing partner: ... And then my mom told my date, 'The monkey can play in the trees, but not in the bush.'
Century City, California
5PM Now Eat My Hot Canadian Bacon! Eat It!
Boss to customer: Would you like to try my meat? It tastes just like maple! Ask anyone -- they all tried it!
Lee, New Hampshire
4PM Well, Not Used Successfully
Engineer on phone: I could try to sell you a penis enlarging pump instead, if you'd like... No, of course it's not used!
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
3PM Trent Lott Just Isn't Doing It for Me Anymore
Cube dweller #1: Hey, today's your first paycheck, right? What are you gonna do with it?
Cube dweller #2: I gonna buy a new whip.
Englewood, Colorado
2PM Dude, It's Not for That
Account exec #1: So, are you still taking calcium?
Account exec #2: Yeah, and I'm still fucking crazy.
289 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
1PM It'll Be the Best Thing on C-SPAN This Week
Vet examining dog with anal abscess: All this dog needs is an hour alone with its butt and its tongue.
Washington, DC
12PM At Least There's No Visible Cameltoe
Sales agent, about Arab Muslim client on phone: Jesus Christ, is it those people with the capes again?!
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM And Make Sure the Kids Don't Either
Harried mom coworker on phone: Oh, and stay off the roof, and don't play with the sulfuric acid!
Warwick Boulevard
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: Next desk over
10AM Where's George Washington When You Need Him?
Middle-aged order entry woman: Girls, I tell you, by the time lovin' comes back around to me, that cherry will have done growed back!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: nikki
9AM That's How I Stole My PlayStation in the First Place
Guy eating lunch: Yeah, Grand Theft Auto is kind of violent, but it's fun to run people over!
HR woman: My favorite thing to do is pick up the prostitute, bring her into an alley, you do your business, and then you shoot her in the head and take your money back. [Two minutes later] I also like to beat up old ladies...
111 8th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Damn Zombies Have Eaten the Quarterly Profits
Boss: Is there anyone with a brain out there?
10th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM If It Makes Any Difference, I'm a Man
Receptionist: Girl, you're young, you're skinny, you've got a boyfriend who makes you happy, and you're not cramping. You were doomed to have a shitty week here before you walked through that door.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: They're not bitter or anything, though...
3PM Like Ted Kennedy
Cube rat: Do you realize that it's 2007 and we're still sharing the planet with fucking animals?
210 East 43rd Street
New York, New York
2PM Dear Diary, My Plan Worked! Off to Buy Tequila.
Tech director to stagehand in pink jacket: Okay, new rule -- you can come to work drunk, but you can't dress up.
Washington Park
Albany, New York
1PM Dude, Starving Children in Ethiopia Don't Even Have Meditation Monks
Intern, about weekend: My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
12PM And End Up Teaching in Ohio
Philosophy professor: History is written by the winners. Losers are killed... But in philosophy, losers aren't killed, they're marginalized.
Athens, Ohio
11AM Strawberry Cancer
Staffer: Oh, great! The water bottles are in!
Executive, opening bottle and sniffing it: It smells like cancer.
38th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
10AM Um, Isn't That Why Bob Left in the First Place?
Woman #1: The classified logo scripts aren't working.
Woman #2: Bob* is working on them, but he's going on vacation tomorrow so the scripts won't be done until September.
Woman #1: September?!
Woman #2: Yeah, well, you can have IT work on it, but then who knows how long it'll be before they get around to doing it.
Woman #1: Think they'd do it faster if I showed them my boobs?
1111 West Bonanza Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
9AM Small Wonder We're Losing the War on Terror
Cube rat #1: So I woke up on the train, and my panties were gone! They stole them shits! How ghetto is that?!
Cube rat #2: Fo' real?
Cube rat #1: And they was the Victoria Secret ones!
530 5th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM I Could Be a Politician
Worker bee: As a child -- as an infant -- I was a projectile vomiter. Laying on my back, I could hit the ceiling! It's too bad I can't do that now.
402 Watertower Circle
Colchester, Vermont
Overheard by: Bastian
4PM ... Now It's Just Bubbling a Little. Wanna Listen?
Coworker: Hey, how was your weekend?
Intern: Great! It's stopped itching and-- [Coworker walks away.]
Washington, DC
3PM I Know I Was Just Selling Her a Lamp, but I Can Tell
Telemarketing guy in retirement plan department, slamming down phone: She's in 401(K) heat! Ugh!
1445 120th Avenue
Bellevue, Washington
2PM Urge to Know Fading... Fading...
Library patron: Can you help me? I don't remember how to turn the computers on.
Employee: Well, this one's already on, see? [Wiggles mouse to activate screen.]
Library patron: Oh... What about this one? I don't like that one.
Employee: Well, this one's off, so I'll turn it on [presses power button].
Library patron: Ah, so they each have a little trick. What about this one? [Proudly swishes mouse.]
Employee, frustrated: No, see, if the green light is off, then you press the button.
Library patron: Whatever you say...
130 Wall Street
New Haven, Connecticut
1PM It's Really More about Whether You Bring in Good Snacks
Supervisor: Why do you want to do this?
Mid-level worker: Because no one else is, and it needs to be done.
Supervisor: No one cares how hard you work! This isn't that kind of place!
State government building
Connecticut
12PM Don't Put Me on the Spot
Woman: Hey! How are you?
Small, loud man: Do you really want to know, or should I just smile and nod?
3040 Cornwallis Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: Ben A. Fit
11AM He Would've Just Used Them for Sex... Oh, Wait.
Bimbette employee: I mean, like, if you gave Thomas Jefferson the Internet, he totally wouldn't have freed the slaves.
Department store
New Hartford, New York
Overheard by: Jenn
10AM It Actually Was Adam and Steve in the Garden of Eden
Peon #1: No, that's not what she had. This is the woman with the original penis.
Peon #2, after long pause: What's that?
Peon #1: The original penis. She had the first one.
Peon #2: ... Oh.
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM A Concept As Realistic As Pixie Dust
Sales guy to another: Hey, have you ever tried that green fairy stuff? You know, abstinence?
Atlanta, Georgia
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