Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
September 2007 Archives
5PM Or, As I Affectionately Call Him, "G Love"
Employee on phone: G as in 'Jesus.'
8604 Cliff Cameron Drive
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM I'm Sorry, but Your Priorities Are Way Off
Boss: So, if there is a fire, you go after the hard drives first?
Fireman, dumbfounded: Uhhh... Well... We would go for life preservation first -- of whoever's in the building...
Boss: Oh, and then you go after the computers and stuff?
Fireman: ... After that we try to contain the fire...
Graphic design office
Huntington Beach, California
3PM Why You Should Never Work with Your Wife
Coworker: Hey, Jill*, do we have any in stock?
Jill: Yes.
Coworker: Do you even know what I'm looking for?
Jill: No.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: SK
2PM Yes. No. Shut Up!
Girl: Did signing the Articles of Confederation makes us confederates?
Quinsigamond Community College
Worcester, Massachusetts
1PM Yeah, It Was on Your Resumé
Cube dweller: Did I ever tell you about my paranoia with wind instruments?
Spring Hill Road
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Cubie Cal
12PM Just Put Your Butt Down and Use Your Words
Black employee #1: I been assin' for a raise and assin' for a raise, but I ain't gettin' any.
Black employee #2: See, that's your problem -- the way you talk. You don't say assin' for a raise, you say, 'I been axin' for a raise.'
Men's room
Torrance, California
11AM And Sing Polly Wolly Doodle All the Day
Boss: I need to leave work before I get too drunk!
1819 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM But I Guess It's Not Like Anyone's Listening
Child welfare worker on cell: I won't be over at my client's place long. I just need to go there real quick and see her child naked... Maybe I shouldn't say this in the middle of a mall.
Woodland Hills Mall
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Bob
9AM You're on Your Own, Pal
Visitor making fresh coffee in break room: Does this office make coffee with one packet or two?
Employee: Usually one... But there are factions...
1920 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
5PM Perhaps the World's Fattest
CSR: I always put '25' when it's supposed to be '52.' I must be anorexic.
1500 JFK Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: indigo
4PM Or So They Say on the North Shore
Programmer #1: Can you kill the parent without killing the child nodes?
Programmer #2: I don't think so.
Sales guy: It's always good to get rid of the witnesses.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: sales guy's neighbor
3PM Not Your Grandmother's CPR
Medical dispatcher giving CPR instructions: Now straddle his lips with your hips...
San Jose, California
Overheard by: firechick
2PM There's a Lot to Fear at Blair Witch Manufacturing
Office chick #1: I'm scared of the men's room. I think it's the urinal...
Office chick #2: I'm scared of that little thing in the men's room.
Office chick #1: What little thing?
Office chick #2: You know -- that little wooden thing. It used to be in our bathroom... It looks like a little totem pole.
Newtown Square, Pennsylvania
1PM Can I at Least Steal Office Supplies?
Interviewer: Are you comfortable with the salary for this position?
Interviewee: Well, not really, but since I don't currently have a job, I guess it'll have to be okay.
Salt Lake City, Utah
12PM Just Buy One That Says "I Kill Thieves"
Disgruntled worker: It would be easier if people just walked around with shirts that said, 'I steal shit.'
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
11AM Guess Who Never Has to Go Shopping Again
Coworker: So then he came home with all these bags of groceries, all proud, and after he got them all put away, I was like, 'That's not groceries! That's meat and a pineapple!'
1450 Energy Park Drive
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: JoJo
10AM Um, You Must Be Very Popular
Receptionist: Well, I wouldn't know. I don't go into the men's room.
Cintas lady: That's where I get most of my pleasure at!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
9AM But This Is a Four-Person Office!
Boss: Don't do that. Make Suzanne* do that.
Assistant: Why?
Boss: Because Suzanne is a cunt and we hate her.
Assistant: I like her. Erin* likes her.
Boss: We don't really like you two, either.
Goshen Turnpike
Bloomingburg, New York
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
5PM But Let's Send the Troops in Anyway
Office monkey #1: I'm sure it'll be fine.
Office monkey #2: But what if it isn't?
Office monkey #3: Then it won't be.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Office monkey #4
4PM ... And for Once It Won't Be One of Us
Attorney: Maybe we'll get lucky and there'll be a murder.
County courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
3PM Or Be in Charge of Re-Filling the Milk Pitcher
Female coworker: Do you think you can have your nipples removed? I mean, I would never do it, but for a man? He doesn't need them. They don't breastfeed, so they're totally useless. I would be disturbed if I ever saw a man lactating... Yeah, this is why I shouldn't think.
Doughnut shop
Quincy, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Disturbed Coworker
2PM So We Can Afford to Tell the Truth
Boss: The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
1PM I May Have Failed to Grasp Your Point
Office grunt: Well, you know what they say -- when the lion king roars, the cows go running.
Garey Avenue
Pomona, California
12PM My Money's Still on the Chimpanzee
IT guy: Who do you think would win in a fight, Daffy or Donald Duck?
Sales manager: Hmmm...
IT guy: You know, never mind. You're too biased.
Union Square
New York, New York
11AM Explains a Lot
Worker bee: No, he was there. My sister and I came home from school and found her on the floor covered with ketchup, and you know what? Rosanne Barr's mother did the same thing!
25500 Hawthorne Boulevard
Torrance, California
Overheard by: Robb Banks
10AM Reader Poll: Is She?
Female cube dweller #1: I just got a massage for the first time.
Female cube dweller #2: How was it?
Female cube dweller #1: Girl, it was amazing. He had me get naked and even gave me a complimentary breast massage.
Male cube dweller: Wait... Wait... I don't think he was supposed to do that.
Female cube dweller #1: Really? I don't see why not... Really? Shit, I didn't know that.
Male cube dweller: Yeah, he violated you. You can report him and he can lose his license for doing something like that.
Female cube dweller #1: Well, I don't care -- he was fine anyway. I'll probably call him for another one.
Male cube dweller: You're an idiot!
1455 Chancellor Drive
Orlando, Florida
9AM It Hasn't Updated Its Blog in a While
Copywriter: Have you seen Terri*? I have to ask her about her G-spot.
Sex toy company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
5PM That's the Last Time I Try Barium As a Weight-Loss Drink
Librarian: Your card is locked because there appears to be ketchup or chocolate milk all over this book you returned. You have to pay for a replacement.
Patron: It's vomit. I don't do chocolate milk.
Librarian: You still have to pay.
Public library
Park Ridge, New Jersey
Overheard by: Part Time Librarian
4PM Now Get Me Some Sandy Taupe Coffee
New hire looking at spreadsheet: So, the blue fields are--
Supervisor, interrupting: --Blue? That's not blue, it's cyan. Are you colorblind?
430 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Roy G. Biv
3PM Remember How We Said If You Asked That Again You'd Be Fired?
Sales rep on phone: Um, I don't know, let me check... [Mutes phone and yells to coworkers] Do we carry Big Ben's nut sauce?!
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laughing too hard to answer
2PM But God, I Miss Sales!
Employee #1: It only stays smooth like a baby's bottom for about 12 hours.
Employee #2: Maybe... And you've got to lube it up pretty good.
1200 Woodward Heights
Ferndale, Michigan
1PM They'd Rather Be Called "Interns"
Wailing lady peon: Nooo! I have three boobs!
187 Thomas Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: mellamaphone
12PM As I Explained in My Eulogy
Office girl: He was murdered outside that bar.
Office guy: Oh my god! I remember that. It was on the news. You knew him?
Office girl: Yeah! I got his microwave!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Not Physically Possible? Someone's Never Read the Bible
Office girl #1: Is it raining out?
Office girl #2: No way, it's sunny! Unless it a sun shower.
Office girl #1: A sun shower is not physically possible.
Office girl #2: Ummm, you've never seen it rain while the sun's out?
Office girl #1: Oh, I thought you meant literally, like giant balls of fire falling from the sky...
Michigan
Overheard by:
10AM How America Keeps Its Suits in Line
Receptionist: With girls it's okay to imagine things and dream. Boys, you do that, you're gay.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: True Believer
9AM Have You Considered Beating Him?
Peon #1, about son: Yeah, so he's just at that age where he's throwing things around now. I mean, he'll grow out of it, but it's annoying replacing his dummy every time he throws it away.
Peon #2: How old is he?
Peon #1: Twenty-three.
Clarendon Street
East Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
5PM I Don't Get It
Employee #1: I'm going to this funny movie tomorrow.
Employee #2: Which one?
Employee #1: I don't know what it's called, but it's the one where Sasha Baron Cohen comes as a guy from Kazakhstan named "Borat."
Employee #2: Oh, yeah, Borat!
Employee #1: Right, and I still can't remember the title!
4250 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: end of days is here
4PM People Say Things at Work They'd Never Say Anywhere Else
Office girl on phone: Am I coming into you or are you coming into me?
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: John
3PM Men Seem to Prescribe That for Everything
Male employee: Do you know what you really need right now?
Female employee: I need coffee.
Male employee: No, you really need to get laid. Now.
419 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
2PM Let's Just Say the Experience Is Better in Slow Motion
Female editor: I've never been to Hooters, and I probably never will.
Male reporter: The service is exceptional.
Female editor: It takes the longest time for me to get my food there.
Male reporter: That's the best part!
100 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
1PM I'm Tired of Dating Doughboys
Jersey office girl: Hey, my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: Dumpling?
Jersey office girl: Yeah! You're my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: A dumpling is not so nice. I'd rather be a bread stick.
West 28th Street
New York, New York
12PM A Nuclear Holocaust? No.
Editor: Is there any way this can technically be swept under a virtual rug?
Two Penn Plaza
New York, New York
11AM He's Still Not Welcome at the Picnic
Woman, about her boyfriend: He doesn't just shit on the bathroom floor of any restaurant. He only does it when he's upset about the food or service. And he wouldn't do it anywhere really nice -- just at places like Arby's or whatever.
Highway 55
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM ... Which Peter in Accounting Then Buys from Us. [We Don't Ask.]
New intern taking tour of company warehouse: So, you said that we have a lifetime guarantee on all the clothes that we send out?
Warehouse manager: Oh, yeah, we guarantee all our merchandise. We'll even return underwear that's been soiled.
Plainfield, Indiana
9AM A Golden Shower
Suit on phone: Yeah, you better remember how to take a shower.
59 Camelot Drive
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Sorry, I'm washing my hair tonight
5PM The Red Menace Never Sleeps
20-ish female associate: Yeah, and you should see her hair! She dyed it red.
20-ish male associate: Really? How red? Like, Netflix-red?
20-ish female associate: No! Worse than that. Like Tandoori chicken-red!
Middle-aged male associate: Wait, wait, wait -- what on Earth are you two talking about? What ever happened to fire engine-red and candy apple-red? [Met with silent, blank stares, then waves his hand in disdain] Bah! You kids nowadays are all freaks!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
4PM Burt Bacharach: Dammit!
Worker bee: There's nothing more romantic than porn falling on your head...
Palmer Street
Missoula, Montana
3PM That Goes Double for You, Bob
Manager: Okay, bitches. At this beach party I want y'all to take care of business down South. I don't want no hairy pussy to attack me while I'm tanning. [All female coworkers nod and walk away.]
Fulton Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: coworker
2PM When Lactose Intolerants Dream
Weird coworker: I had a nightmare, too! I was standing in a pool eating taquitos, except they were filled with cream cheese and fruit!
111 Founders Plaza
East Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Bamber
1PM All I Said Was "Hi"
Intern: My uterus is dry-heaving.
Supervisor: Wow.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
12PM Men Learn a Lot about the Women They Work With
Lady peon: What? No! You don't wanna put your boobs on the toilet seat!
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: I don't even want to know, really
11AM Similar to Me
Office weirdo: Most people don't realize that mermaids actually have sharp teeth -- similar to a shark. They also eat fish... So they have really bad breath.
Washington, DC
10AM ... In the Church Easter Pageant
Cube rat: Yeah, I'm going to be a giant hymen!
685 Rue Cathcart
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: Burning Ears
9AM Of Course, the Functional Invisibility Is Good for Robbing Banks
Woman #1: I hate these bloody name tags!
Woman #2: I know! The straps are so long! Everyone keeps peering down at your belly before looking up at your face!
Woman #1: I prefer the name tags you can clip on your lapel...
Woman #2: Yes, at my age I'd actually rather men stared at my tits and not at my stomach.
Old woman exiting stall: Honey, at my age you're chuffed if they look anywhere at all!
Conference, St. Andrews Place
London
England
5PM When Excel Just Isn't Enough
Accountant: Be right back. I have to go buy an ax.
East Lancaster Avenue
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: marianoelle
4PM Isn't Easy Being a Preacher, Is It?
Boss: The more questions you ask, the more explanations I have to give.
Sylvan Avenue
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
3PM With Mashed Potato Pus!
Peon #1: So, how's that burn on your arm?
Peon #2: It kind of looks like prime rib.
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
2PM To Make Up for Their Overwhelming Idiocy
Office assistant #1: Oh, I see you got braces. Congrats. But aren't they awfully expensive?
Office assistant #2: Yeah, but it's worth it... At least my future children will have straight teeth!
Moscow
Russia
1PM Only Less Preachy
Bimbette reading back of Animal Farm: Wait... This is just like Charlotte's Web!
Book store
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Really?
12PM Nothing Was Ever the Same after Howie Got the National Geographic Channel
Suit on cell: So, my division is like an aborigine, and their division is like a rhinoceros.
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: Spittake
11AM ... That You're Going to Be Fired... Oh, You Don't?
Coworker #1 on phone: No, no, I would never say anything to anyone about that.
Coworker #2, as other hangs up: About what?
Coworker #1: Don't worry, you already know.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Doesn't know
10AM Or the One Who Shot Harry Whittington in the Face?
Boss lady: I see a dinosaur.
Minion: Is that the same one that made you break your arm?
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: L.J
9AM So Do I Have the Job or What?
60-year-old coworker: I wanna go in the back door.
Supervisor: Okay...
60-year-old coworker: I really like going in back doors.
801 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Porter
5PM Guess the Word Is Out
Lady peon: Okay, who put these condoms on my desk?
101 West 31st Street
New York, New York
4PM Worst. Porno. Ever.
Female phlebotomist to male patient: I hope this is a size 25 needle. [Sticks him] Oh, no! This is a size 22 needle -- it's too small. Blood is rushing into the vein, see? It's blowing up. I'm blowing you! ... Oh my god, I don't mean that!
Medical center
Medford, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Dr. Fred
3PM Trenton, but Close Enough
Doctor to patient with teardrop tattoo under eye: That's a pretty cool tattoo. Where'd you get it?
Patient, uneasily: Uh... At this place I used to stay.
Doctor: That wouldn't be jail, would it?
Patient: Maybe...
Hospital
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: this guy
2PM Nowhere Near "Jews for Jesus" Level, Though
IT guy to another: Gay Republicans are a little more weird than Gary*.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM That Looks Like... My Wife's Pumpkin!
Grunt, alone in cube: Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater... Fuckin' bitch.
North Las Vegas, Nevada
12PM Another Tip from My Big Book of Rainy-Day Activities
Female peon: I love eating a rare steak and then sopping up all the juice with some bread.
Male peon: You know what I like? To puncture a hole in a small animal that runs by my house and catch the blood like a fountain.
Female peon: Um, yeah, that would work, too.
4653 Cotton Gin Loop
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: RebeccaB
11AM How, Now?
Reporter #1: Did I just hear that someone got bit by a cow on the scanner?
Reporter #2: It's possible. Some of them have really bad attitudes.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
Overheard by: Catherine
10AM Like "You Knocked Up My Daughter"
CEO: Getting shot's not so bad... So long as it's for the right reason.
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: hiding under my desk
9AM While He Was Trying for a Nice Piece of Assonance
Male cube rat: I need a word that rhymes with 'vaginal.'
Female cube rat #1: Why?
Male cube rat: I'm writing a poem.
Female cube rat #1: What kind of poem has the word 'vaginal' in it?
Male cube rat: Don't interrogate me. Just help me out.
Female cube rat #2: This poem isn't about me, is it?
Male cube rat: I'll bet Alfred Lord Tennyson didn't have to put up with a bunch of fucking questions.
Insurance company
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
5PM And Why Are All My Problems Self-Inflicted?
Boss: Who wants to do these reports?
Enthusiastic lady: I'll take them! Will be done in no time.
Boss, 15 minutes later: Are those reports ready, Angie*?
Enthusiastic lady: I'm still on it.
Boss, 15 minutes later: I need those reports now.
Enthusiastic lady: I am working on them as fast as I can. [Boss leaves, then] Why does he give me so much work and keep asking me if it's done?!
4340 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: did not ask for work
4PM In Tribute to What God Did on the Eighth Day
Worship leader: So, we're gonna drop the last verse of 'Awesome God.' I think it sounds better that way.
Pastor: Okay, anything else?
Young worship musician: Well, I gotta blow outta here pretty soon.
Pastor: So, let me get this straight -- he's dropping and you're blowing?
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM I Don't Need a Gel Mousepad -- I've Got Breast Implants
Male paralegal : No one's gonna use it but me. I'll hide it.
Female secretary: What?
Male paralegal: But I'll let you feel it.
8133 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: WTF is he talking about
2PM Come into My Office and I'll Show You Some Photos
Boss lady: I just don't think thong underwear is that attractive. I mean, maybe if you're 12 years old and tight...
Assistant: I don't think a 12-year-old in thong underwear is attractive.
Boss lady: Well, when you're 12, you're tight.
Burbank, California
1PM So They'll Have Lots to Polish
Exec assistant on phone: They're gay boys, so... you know... maybe a little more stainless steel...
47th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Actually, That May Be Just What Eyeore Needs
Sales guy: That guy wouldn't be in a good mood even if you woke him up with porn and ice cream.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
11AM Women.
VP: They're all doable. We're just not able to do most of them.
Norwalk, Connecticut
Overheard by: Cautiously Optimistic
10AM Well, I Still Miss Serious Newscasters
Peon #1: He's into that pooping and farting stuff now.
Peon #2: Who isn't?!
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM And by Nice, I Mean "How Soul-Destroyingly Gauche"
Office girl #1 in skimpy outfit gathering promotional material: You look whipped.
Office girl #2: Yeah... I had a date. I didn't get home until four A.M.
Office girl #1: I didn't get to sleep until four A.M., either, but that's because I was having sex... with my man...
Office girl #2: Yeah, I was at a bar. It was the first date. We got really drunk and I rode him in the booth.
Office girl #1: Nice.
1142 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hellooo... I am sitting right here!
5PM Much Better Than a Cracker Jack Prize
Video store manager: ... And the porn was in the candy.
Movie store
Williamstown, Massachusetts
4PM And Not the Other Way Around
Art director, peeling an orange: I wish homeless people smelled like oranges.
Oak Lawn Avenue
Dallas, Texas
3PM My Stretch Goal Is to Make It to Work on Time
Worker bee: There was an employee fitness challenge here today. Hilarity ensued.
Less productive bee: I imagine it would anytime you throw 'employee' and 'challenge' together in one sentence.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM Especially Since Your Cat Is Already "Meow Tse-Tung"
Worker bee: Seriously, you just should not name your dog after a rapist...
Medical office
Florida
Overheard by: The DM
1PM No.
Customer: Can I have one of these items that is in a box?
Employee: Of course [retrieves item].
Customer: Can you check to make sure it isn't broken?
Employee: No problem! [Cuts tape and opens box.]
Customer: Great! Now, can I have one that hasn't been opened?
670 University Avenue
Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island
Canadia
Overheard by: Shaking Head in Disbelief
12PM Never Worked in an Office Before? You've Got a Lot Coming to You
Cube dweller #1: Oh, and I love it when my husband takes his shirt off at night, because then I can pop his back pimples. He hates it when I do that, but I just love it!
Cube dweller #2 and recent hire: [Horrified silence.]
Cube dweller #1: Yeah, and last night I was real disappointed, because I was working on a blackhead and it turned out to be a mole.
Cube dweller #3: [Flees cube.]
Medical center
Pittsburg, Kansas
11AM That's What I Think of Pleated Khakis on Men
Product manager: So, it's a win-win situation, but without the wins.
70 East 55th Street
New York, New York
10AM Oh! Oh! Stuff My Envelope!
Male to female coworkers: Do you want to have an insertion party? I mean, do you need some help?
1000 West Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
9AM That Clarification Smells Fishy
Coworker: Can I get the first initial of your last name?
Insurance rep: 'C' as in 'pussy.'
Coworker: I'm sorry -- 'C' as in what?!
Insurance rep: 'C' like 'pussy.' You know -- pussycat.
Doctor's office
Dallas, Texas
5PM Tonight's Movie: Debbie Does Droids
Lady peon, imitating a robot: I love you. I love you, too. We should swap transmission fluids.
135 West 50th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lowly Human
4PM And We Can Sit around on Our Assets
Male legal assistant: Sean*, all we need is vaginas.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Confused Coworker
3PM Who Hasn't Been, in This Town?
Woman peon: I think she's okay. She got serviced...
11th Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM I Was Aiming for Your Crotch
Male peon: I didn't want to grab your... area.
Sierra College Boulevard
Rocklin, California
1PM We Work for Smithfield, for God's Sake!
Worker bee, discussing his 75-year-old uncle's brain injuries: I don't want him to be a vegetarian for the rest of his life!
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: worker bea
12PM So There's No One to Stop Me
Boss, about former employee: She smelled like my grandmother's underwear drawer.
Underling: Do you spend a lot of time in your grandmother's underwear drawer?
Boss: Well, she died a while ago...
1100 Hamilton Court
Menlo Park, California
11AM To Withhold Kitchen and Bedroom Services
Female employee, about customer: He's afraid of his wife.
Male employee #1: And may I ask who isn't?!
Male employee #2: I don't fear my wife, I just respect her power.
Eden Prairie, Minnesota
10AM Would You Just Give It a Feel?
Mexican worker: Does my banana look sick to you?
Coworker: I am not looking over there.
306 Oak Court
Beavercreek, Ohio
9AM Um, Should It Be?
Lady worker on phone: So, is this a bring-your-own-rubber-chicken kind of party?
Coffee brewery corporate center
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Gryndyl
5PM At Least I Think They Were My Pants
Employee #1: Why are you so late, man?
Employee #2: I got loaded last night and shit my pants on the way to work.
1300 St. Laurent Boulevard
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
4PM You've Dropped an Ice Cube in Your Stomach?
Worker #1: See this article on how ice makes you gain weight?
Worker #2: That's so true, because if you drop an ice cube in your stomach it has to melt before it can be absorbed.
Staten Island
New York
3PM You Dare Find My Motivational Slogans Laughable?
Boss: There's no 'I' in 'unity'! Wait... There's no 'me' in 'team'!
Employees: [Laughter.]
300 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
2PM People without Boundaries Need Special Handling
Friendly worker guy: Hey, you guys -- I just took one sip of this energy drink and I don't really want it. Does anyone want it? [No one answers. A few minutes later] Hey, you guys -- there is a lot of turkey on this sandwich. Does anyone want some?
Normal worker guy: Hey, you guys -- I've had this peanut M&M in my mouth for four days. Does anyone want it?
12th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: social
1PM Explains a Lot about the Condition of Journalism in This Country
Managing editor: Our system's down until 2:50.
Reporter: To the bars, then!
Other reporters: Yay!
Editor-in-chief: Why the hell not?
400 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM You Know That's Only Allowed on Casual Fridays
IT tech #1: What are you doing over there?
IT tech #2: We're blowing people.
Waterview Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Dont_want_to_know
11AM Or Am I Now Cleared to Take a Pencil from the Supply Cabinet?
Professor: Do I need to sign something saying I signed something?
Langford Architecture Center, Texas A&M University
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
10AM We're Still Paying Off the Judgment in the Dumpty Case
CEO: We don't want to get sued because someone has a ridiculously large head.
Wausau, Wisconsin
9AM ... But No
Ancient lesbian waitress: You ever tried to buy dental dams at three A.M. in the Bible belt?
Wide-eyed teen bus boy: Uh... I have sooo many questions about what you just said...
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Are We Done Sharing Now?
Distracted sexy woman: I'm in room 7439*.
Bellman: I'm happily married.
Hotel and casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Laurence Crews
4PM Does It Mean I Can Stop Wearing Heels?
50-ish lady peon: Oh, honey, you don't have to lift those boxes!
20-ish lady peon: No, it's okay, I really don't mind. They're not very heavy.
50-ish lady peon: But that shows on a woman later in life!
20-ish lady peon: Shows? What do you mean?
50-ish lady peon: Well, you know, makes you big... Like the She-Hulk, or that hermaphrodite wrestler! You don't want people thinking you're not a woman, do you?
University of North Carolina, 208 Raleigh Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
3PM You're Cruisin' for Another Time-Out
Peon, reading: 'The essence of client trust accounting is contained in these three words: Client, trust, accounting.' Really? I would have thought more like, 'Thermometer, Frankenstein, candle.'
Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Jeffner
2PM The Insult-Comic Dog?
Chipper corporate trainer: You put an extra '-umph' at the end of 'tri-', and what do you get? Triumph!
4635 East Elwood Street
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM With the Bloody Daggers and Vests of Human Hair?
Attorney: Can we file this psychopathically?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Legal Cube-Dweller
12PM Just Look at These Blisters!
Director of tech support, in heavy French accent: Busy week, yes. I have had to beat off many clients.
Tech dude: Wait, what?
Director: Oh, yeah. At least 30.
Tech support conference call
California
11AM But I Just Got You a Princess Dress, Raoul
Grunt: Man, this consultant is absurdly high maintenance. I swear, the woman's going to ask for a pony next!
Boss: Just get her what she wants. We need her on-board.
Grunt: Well, if she gets a pony, I want one, too.
Washington, DC
10AM If You Do, They Know
Lady: I don't like catfish. Catfish scare me 'cause I'm afraid they can walk.
Coworker: Do you eat the eyes?
414 East 12th Street
Kansas City, Missouri
9AM That's How We Write These Headlines
Boss: I wonder what I could accomplish if I had 10 more hours in a day and a bucket of speed.
East Street
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
5PM Why Pavarotti Had to Write His Lyrics on His Hand.
Music agent slamming phone down angrily: God, he's so unintelligent! I mean, even for a tenor!
1st District
Vienna
Austria
4PM Is This Gonna Get Me Fired?
Female worker to another: I was gonna show you something. You wanna go to the ladies' room?
Seneca Street
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: MonkeyPantaloons
3PM In and Out of the Side Pockets
Boss: He can work the balls so nicely. In both directions.
Baltimore, Maryland
2PM It's a Logical Syllogism
Lawyer on phone: Well, if you're a girl, I must be the queen's bimbo.
Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
1PM Oh, It's All Connected
Rep on phone: Sir, the character limit for your domain name has nothing to do with your World of Warcraft game.
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM Agnes Realizes She May Have Shared Too Much at Lunch
Peon #1: Stop yelling! You're just like my dad!
Peon #2: Yeah, except I'm not drunk and I'm not beating you.
Braintree, Massachusetts
Overheard by: not there anymore
11AM Sadly, That's the Most Specific Feedback I've Gotten All Year
Failed hipster boss to peon: You're really quiet today. Stop being so fucking inclusive.
Middleton, Wisconsin
Overheard by: The Friendliest Emo of All
10AM Denver Wife or New York Wife?
Assistant: Keith*, Melanie's* on the phone.
Keith: Who is that?
Assistant: Your wife.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Would That Help?
Coworker #1: Yo, I need a shredder for all my junk mails that I get. I get mad junk mail at home.
Coworker #2: You print out all your junk e-mail?!
27th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Michael
5PM Sounds Like It's Gonna Be Some PTA Meeting
Agent on phone: Good afternoon, Mrs. Arrington*. I just wanted to remind you to purchase a very snug belt before July 20th because you will get your pants rocked off.
6000 East Camelback Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM Better Ask Somebody Your Own Age, Kiddo
Six-year-old girl at front desk: Do I look sexy?
1 Main Street
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: Switters
3PM It Won't Get Out of Bed for Less Than 10 Thousand
Employee on phone: You couldn't pay your dick three thousand dollars to work!
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: jen
2PM Well, for One Thing, They Aren't There
Peon calling supervisor about note from employee: Did you check your pants today?
Production supervisor: What kind of question is that?
Madison, Wisconsin
1PM A Reclining One
Female worker: Something about his office seemed very home-like. I think he had a couch in it.
Male worker: It was a lamp.
Hillcroft Street
Houston, Texas
12PM Translation: I Don't Want to Understand Computers
Tech guy: The mouse won't work if it's off.
Coworker: You said reboot! I thought that meant to turn the computer off. I don't understand computers.
Midtown
New York, New York
11AM That Kind of Unpredictability Is Half the Fun
Manager: It starts on the first half, and all of a sudden we're on the next-to-last half.
100 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM Then You're Failing Me All Around
Male hippie #1 standing at printer with no paper: Aren't you supposed to be watching this? What do I pay you for?
Male hippie #2: To shave my legs and wear the skirt.
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: please no more
9AM I'd Rather Have Been Out of the Loop on All of That
Male cube rat: I got all excited because she said she needed blood money!
Female cube rat: Blood money?
Male cube rat: Yeah. But she just wanted quarters for the tampon machine.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM And Wandering in Traffic?
Admin assistant: I hear that Jay-Z and Beyoncé actually have an open relationship.
India-Indian boss: Well, it is no surprise since she does not want to get married.
Admin assistant: I guess you're right.
India-Indian boss: I mean, why buy the milk when that cow is just outside?
685 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
4PM I'd Rather My Wife Didn't Understand Me
Opinionated coworker: My wife's mad at me because I think she's an idiot.
Main Street and Grant Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
3PM ... Don't Ask
Budget director: Do you smell that? It smells like car wax. What is that smell?
Executive director: The interoffice memo...
436 6th Avenue North
Nashville, Tennessee
2PM But Apparently It Was the Best Frat Party of the Year
Worker bee: I was asleep! I don't want to know how they were wiggling things around in my body!
333 South Street
Shrewsbury, Massachusetts
1PM So People Are My Raw Material
Cube dweller #1: Hey, I'm a people person.
Cube dweller #2: What are you talking about? You're a make-fun-of-people person!
1000 East 116th Street
Carmel, Indiana
12PM Thanks to a Good Divorce Lawyer
Female grunt #1 looking around: Ramone* has them.
Female grunt #2, holding plastic jacks in hand: Has what?
Female grunt #1: My balls. Ramone has my balls.
19th Street and Deer Valley Road
Arizona
11AM Many Computer Users Are Like Cargo Cultists
Old female boss, struggling with computer: My-- What's wrong with my-- Does anyone know what's the problem with my--
Worker: --What's the question?!
Old female boss: My mouse doesn't work.
Worker: So how long were you going to sit there moving it around on your desk?
Old female boss: Well, it's not working! [Worker sighs loudly, turns back to his computer.]
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
10AM Always Best to Counter Intolerance with Immaturity
Manager: Your boyfriend looks like a terrorist.
Peon, farting: My butthole is the terrorist in this office.
12th Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM ... I'll Bring Booze and the Necessary Plug-Ins
Female designer: If you show up, you can watch me use your hard drive.
IT guy: Ummm...
44 Canal Center Plaza
Alexandria, Virginia
5PM It's Hard to Push the Feathered Glory from My Loosening Thighs
Slutty coworker: Oh, I just joined the most fantastic group in MySpace, XYZ Friends*. It's incredible. You don't even have to look for men -- you just join and men fly all over you.
Snarky coworker: You flaming parakeet.
São Paulo
Brazil
4PM I Blame Our Support Staff
Grunt #1: Shit, the bombs aren't in the bags.
Grunt #2: Awww, fuck it. Let's go get a hamburger.
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thrax
3PM Since My Husband Was Turned to Stone
Manager on phone to client: Yeah, that's like someone watching me take a shower, and after two kids, no one wants to see that.
1120 NW Couch Street
Portland, Oregon
2PM Please Leave a Message in Ugaritic after the Beep
Coworker: Hello. I don't speak English.
Newton, Massachusetts
1PM A Good Way to Get People to Stop Sending You E-mail
Worker bee: Oh my god! I'm so excited, I'm gonna pee on the carpet! I got the e-mail about that 11-thousand-dollar deal! [Stands up up and lifts leg] Psss... Psss... Look at me! I'm the cat! I'm peeing on the carpet!
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM Anesthetics Are No Substitute for Social Skills
Coworker on phone: Some people are just turned off by her personality. She was on the phone with Cheryl* the other day talking about how they rubbed chloroform all over her body.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
11AM I Think We Can Do Even Better
Lady customer: I need a phone that'll work all year -- all three hundred sixty-two days.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: Stephen
10AM Tell Them Under No Circumstances Will Their Demands Be Met
Crazy woman at front desk: I will not be a slave to my teeth!
1685 Main Street
Santa Monica, California
9AM I Can't Believe We Give Out an Award for That, Anyway
Suit to another: So I am supposed to feel vindicated because my father is a bigger liar than I am?
300 Block of Julia Street
New Orleans, Louisiana
Overheard by: dyslexicMot
5PM Seems No One Is Safe from the Quality-Control Spies
Customer: Do you have a copy machine?
CSR: Um, no... This is a book store.
Customer: Yeah, but I just want to copy this book.
CSR: We sell books.
Customer: But I don't want to buy it, I just want to copy it.
CSR: Then maybe you should try a library. We sell books.
Customer: But I'm here now, and I want to copy this book.
CSR: Look, okay, buy the book take it down to Kinkos and copy it, then return it.
Customer: I think that's illegal. I'd like to report you to your manager.
Book store
Pensacola, Florida
Overheard by: Michelle
4PM Even More Painful Than It Sounds
Cube dweller #1: What is Gerald* doing?
Cube dweller #2: Re-routing the booter.
250 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
3PM But We're Going Out for Dinner Later
Male coworker: You missed it! Devon* and I just had a staring contest in which we tried to figure out the color of each other's eyes.
Female coworker: So, what was the verdict?
Male coworker: That it was too creepy, so we stopped.
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
2PM Get Out the Bear Mace, Sweetie
Passenger: My daughter is burning that DVD for you. I'll drop it by when she's done it.
Station worker: Thanks! You really don't have to.
Another mother, to her toddler: Sound's like someone's breaching copyright!
Turramurra Station
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Andrew
1PM Oh, Hell, Give Me a Buck and We're Good
Clerk trying to price-check produce: Now, how is it you spell cucumber? Is that with a K or a Q?
Supermarket
Biloxi, Mississippi
12PM Only an Atomic Wedgie Can Save Me!
Shocked security guard: You gave it to me?! You gave me the cooties!
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
11AM You Mean Argue for Years about What to Build?
Boss: We'll have to develop this from Ground Zero principles.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
10AM Like Alternate-Side Parking
Account manager: Um, it's called the UK. Sometimes it's a country, and sometimes it's not.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: When is it not?
9AM But the Problem Is, We're Completely Wrong
Lawyer #1: We still have the right to prove we're right, right?
Lawyer #2: Right.
465 California Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: dances with lawyers
5PM If They Provided Lunch, They Wouldn't Have to Pay Us at All
Cube dweller #1, at weekly company breakfast: Oooh, breakfast. I forgot today was breakfast day.
Cube dweller #2: They sure do know how to buy us off. They could take away our chairs and there would only be a minor grumbling, but if they took away our breakfast... Like, 'Yeah, we're gonna be a standing agency now.' 'Yeah, that's cool. Just don't mess with my breakfast.'
233 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
4PM But As a Paralegal? No.
Lawyer: Ben*, if I e-mail you something, can you figure out how to print it on legal-size paper?
Paralegal: Ummm, sure. [Later brings back printed text.]
Lawyer: Oh, great! You know, you have a future as a printer!
575 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
3PM God, You Techies Are No Fun
IT guy: Hey, Kelly* just showed me her slingbox.
Boss: Reeeally?
It guy: Yeah. It works fine and everything, but I wouldn't pay for it.
Boss: If you get her drunk she'll give it to you for free!
It guy: Ohhh... I think we're talking about different things...
Boss: Reeeally?
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: Would get sick of it anyway...
2PM Oh, Yeah, You Gotta Keep Your Pool Clean
Receptionist #1: You know, I need a big, magic tool. One that doesn't take batteries.
Receptionist #2: Hahaha!
Receptionist #1: For my pool! To clean my pool... Get your mind out of the gutter...
Receptionist #2: [Still snickering.]
State Street
Augusta, Maine
Overheard by: broken girl
1PM Creativity? I'm an Engineer
Male coworker: I would take Beyoncé's face, Beyoncé's legs, Beyoncé's arms, Beyoncé's body, and Beyoncé's ass and put them all together to make my dream woman... And I'd name her Beyoncé.
4510 Maplecrest Road
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Overheard by: Bk-Bitch
12PM Let Me Just Set Up the Webcam
Paralegal: So, should I go ahead and do a dump on the computer?
Seneca Meadows Parkway
Germantown, Maryland
11AM The Law Requires You to Accommodate My Missing Tentacle
Manager to clumsy coworker: You're about as graceful as a seven-legged octopus with a muscle spasm!
Fast food joint
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: Dubird
10AM Think I Just PDA'd Myself
Editor to coworker whose loud text alert goes off in meeting: Matt*, when your crotch cries out, we all stop and take notice.
Bay Avenue
Stafford, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
9AM How'd They Get There from the West?
Peon: I think she's Indian.
Boss: American Indian? We don't have a lot of those!
Peon: No, Asian Indian.
Boss: They have Indians in Asia?!
5th and Market Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM According to My Personality Profile
Boss: I would rather be dressed in chaps and a police cap at the Blue Oyster Bar than be subjected to the XYZ Company* auditors.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: K67
4PM Saves Thousands in Severance Pay, Though
Worker bee #1: Was this a fire alarm or a severe weather alert?
Worker bee #2: I don't think they would kick us outside during a tornado.
Opperman Drive
Eagan, Minnesota
3PM Last Time, Frank from Accounting Tore My Favorite Negligee
Secretary: Does it involve undergarments? If so, I'm not there.
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
2PM Which Is Why I Keep This Big Stick under My Desk
Legal aide: But we have an agreement with them.
Secretary: Well, agreement is the starting point of arguments.
Office
Malaysia
1PM Dogs Seem to Prefer the Varsoviana
Customer: If you come across a strange dog, you have to look like you're dancing. Otherwise it'll attack you.
Tyler, Texas
12PM Contempt-Resistant Plastic Coming Right Up
Bagger: What kind of bag would you like?
Dismissive shopper: You pick. I haven't been here in a while, so I don't know what the options are.
7504 Aurora Avenue North
Seattle, Washington
11AM Would You Like to Adopt Me?
Employee: Can I have your first and last name?
Customer: I don't have one.
715 Jefferson Street
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM Wonder If I've Overplayed That Card Yet
Secretary #1: Here, I'll trade you dark chocolate for my chocolate.
Secretary #2: No, I like dark chocolate.
Secretary #1: Why does the white man have to take all the dark chocolate? That's the last piece of dark chocolate, and I'm dark so I should eat it! You ate all the white chocolate last week because you're white, and now you're going to have all the dark chocolate, too, just like the white man does to everything!
Secretary #2, eating dark chocolate: It's all mine now. Look at this! [Opens mouth.]
Secretary #1, muttering to herself and walking away: Just like the white man...
11330 Pierce Street
Riverside, California
Overheard by: Kevin
9AM Thank Goodness for Prosthetic Backbones
Secretary: Did Taryn* come back from the doctor's?
Chart drone: Yeah, she said the doctor put a stiffener in her.
Secretary: Good, that will help her.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: phoenix, best analyst ever
Read the Previous Month's Quotes!
