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August 2007 Archives
5PM I Always Fall for That One
ER nurse #1: No, she wouldn't let us. I've been trying for 20 minutes.
ER doctor: Well, then she needs to understand that we can't establish the assault if we can't get to the evidence.
ER nurse #1: I don't think she cares. I mean, she wanted me to smell her underwear!
ER nurse #2: What? Did you?
ER nurse #1: Yeah. It didn't help.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
4PM Sure, She Meets Lots of New People, but She Doesn't Get Their Names
Development manager: ... So then I told my wife that even if we raised our granddaughter she could still end up like her mother. I mean, she doesn't have tattoos, but she does drugs and she's a tramp.
IT analyst: Don't call your daughter a tramp, that's not nice!
Development manager: Why not? She sleeps with every Tom, Dick and Harry!
IT analyst: At least she has a social life.
1600 South 900 West
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Jealous
3PM Nothing Anti-Werewolf -- I Just Can't Stand Hairy Chicks
Woman: My tooth fell out yesterday. You know, chewing gum and blood taste quite nice together.
Suit: You are a vampire.
Woman: No, actually, I'm a werewolf.
Suit: [Moves away.]
Rozemblum
Tel-Aviv
Israel
2PM Sorry, It Was Damaged in Transit
FedEx man: There are a lot of you women hanging around the front desk today.
Vet tech: We're all just waiting to fight over your package.
99th Street and Leavenworth Road
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Christina
1PM Investment Wanker Hard at Work
Cube rat on phone: Sometimes when you go vertical it's hotter than horizontal... You just have to play with it. Sometimes when I'm shooting and I'm too far away from the men's room...
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
12PM Without Warning, My Metaphor Turned on Me
Peon on phone: No, no, I believe that you sent it. I just didn't receive it. I even told Jen* that you wouldn't drop the ball. You are on the ball. You are on balls I haven't even seen yet.
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: OMG
11AM You Really Tell That Story a Lot
Secretary to assistant: Yeah, I went through my lesbian phase, but I could never go back to women 'cause I like giving blowjobs too much!
4400 Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
10AM Plus, I'm a Cat Owner, If You Follow Me
Receptionist #1: Oh we're sorry.
Male customer, trying to pick up his cat from the vet: What?
Receptionist #1: We were talking about personal stuff.
Receptionist #2: Yeah, aren't we typical women? Talking about guys?
Male customer: Well, to be honest, like a typical guy, I wasn't paying attention.
Magazine Street
New Orleans, Louisiana
9AM If You Know What I'm Saying
Female customer: You know, Walt Disney was afraid of mouses.
Friend: Yeah, he also had one in his house.
501 West Lincoln Trail Boulevard
Radcliff, Kentucky
5PM In Other Words, the Classic Bermuda Shorts
Female peon: Do I like the long and skinny ones or the short and fat ones?
Male peon: You like the short and fat ones.
Female peon: I thought I liked the long and skinny ones also...
Male peon: No, I like the long and skinny ones.
Hamilton
Bermuda
4PM Stairs Go Up?
Large male peon: Oh, I usually take the stairs. Do you mind if we take the stairs?
Large lady peon: Yeah, no-no-no. That's absolutely fine. I take the stairs all the time. Absolutely. So long as it isn't up.
Opperman Drive
Eagan, Minnesota
Overheard by: I'm taking the elevator
3PM And I Just Wanted to Thank You for Thinking of Me
Boss: There's nothing like walking to put the newspapers behind the circulation desk and looking out towards the front and having the first thing you see be the word 'penis.'
Library
Richmond, Virginia
2PM My Tumor's Gestating Nicely, Though
Worker bee to another: ... So she said it was fine that she's smoking a pack a day while she's pregnant. She doesn't mind if the baby comes out a little small.
Another worker, from across the room: I've been smoking since I was 16, and my baby still isn't born!
Chesterfield, Missouri
Overheard by: my mom smoked with me too...
1PM If It Was Bud Light, I've Lost All Respect for Him
Lady peon on cell: ... And then there was a picture of him with a beer can up his butt.
Armar Drive
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Overheard by: b
12PM Or Salmon Mousse with Cucumber Sauce
Coworker, after boss's going-away party: I just feel sick... like I'm going to throw up. Maybe I'm allergic to sentiment.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM But Count Me In!
IT guy #1: It seriously sounded like someone was drowning a midget [makes high-pitched gargling noises].
IT guy #2, just walking in from hall: Whoa, that's not a conversation I'm normally apart of.
Richmond, Virginia
10AM Don't Want Him to Get What I Got
Peon on phone, about his son: ... So I bought him condoms... Yes, Mom, I know he's 15, but I was having sex at 15...
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: amused and disgusted all at once
9AM Time to Prepare for That Eventuality
Teen girl: If I don't get an A on this English test I'm going to be even screwed-er.
High school
Sterling, Virginia
Overheard by: The Mean Teacher
5PM So Not Why I Went to College
Cube girl: Man, being on my knees down here really hurts...
Greenville, Texas
Overheard by: me next?
4PM Aliens: Why Don't They Just Use E-mail?
Stoner coworker training newbie on fax machine: This fax machine, like, never works... But I find it really helpful if you whistle the tune to Close Encounters of the Third Kind while you're faxing... [Newbie stares.] See?! Another fax through!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Sarita
3PM Or at Least Faking a Seizure?
Female paralegal: I was in the bank the other day and I saw this cop -- oh my god, he was so gorgeous. I wanted to hold up the bank just to get his attention.
Male lawyer: Ever think of saying hello?
Cafeteria, Supreme Court
Nassau County, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
2PM And Those Are the First Two Bullet-Points on My CV
Peon: I was normally born, and I have a normal head!
11149 Research Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: across the cube
1PM And by "Worked" I Mean They've Learned to Live with It
Cube dweller: I don't see why people need fertility counseling. They should just buy some cheap liquor and rent a Camaro. It worked for everyone I know on the South Side.
Norman, Oklahoma
12PM Let's Touch Type, People -- Time's A-Wasting!
Boss: Let's get things set up. Let's move the mouse.
Bethesda, Maryland
11AM Right after Our Mandatory Three PM Mani/Pedi
Supervisor: Hey, we're all here today... Let's have a meeting!
Employee #1: About what?
Employee #2: American Idol!
Financial center
New York, New York
Overheard by: working hard
10AM Professor, LionsGate Films on Line #2
Literature professor: I don't mean to turn Baudelaire into a snuff film... I mean, a slasher film! A slasher film! Oh, never mind.
Batelle Building, University, Massachusetts Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: nic
9AM It's My Hangover Cure
Grunt #1: Is that a wine bottle in the front seat of your car?
Grunt #2: Yes. I like to drink on my way to work.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
5PM I'll Connect You with the Delphic Oracle
Manager answering phone: XYZ Company*. Can I help you?
Caller: Accounts Receivable, please.
Manager: Do you have a general billing question or is this regarding a specific invoice?
Caller: Exactly.
Manager: [Silence.]
1306 Dahlgren Avenue
Washington, DC
4PM The Architect Insisted the Museum Have a Rumble Seat
Library supervisor: Can you hand me those staplers? I've gotta take them back to those who dwell in the rear.
Library
Columbia, South Carolina
3PM Printers Practice Malicious Compliance
PhD-level analyst: Oh, the copier is printing the whole five hundred pages of that report! I only want the first page! Stop, stop, stop! Why wont it stop?!
Temp: You have to actually press a button. It doesn't work on voice command...
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
2PM Actually, They're from Albany
Girl #1: What country is Paul* from?
Girl #2: He's Albanian. [Girl #1 is silent.] You know... Albania?
Girl #1: Isn't that where all the albinos come from? I didn't know Paul was albino!
Copperfield College
Melbourne
Australia
1PM Can You Convert That to Gimlets?
Banker: What will 50 pounds get me in London?
Analyst: You want the currency translation?
Banker: No.
Analyst: Okay then, 25 beers!
2215 43rd Avenue
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Olivia
12PM Like Marshmallow Fluff on Your Cocoa!
Office chick: How was your weekend?
Office guy: I got a sunburn! Look, my skin is flaking off! [Rubs his arm.]
Office chick: Stop! You're flaking into my coffee!
San Antonio, Texas
11AM And Mess with My Tried and True Regime of FreeCell and Internet Porn?
Exasperated IT guy #1: Don't you have something better to do?!
IT guy #2: Yeah, but I'm not going to do it.
390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas
10AM Popcorn Kernels (You Pervs)
IT help desk: Mine are nothing like yours. Yours get so fluffy when I put them in my mouth.
500 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
9AM When the Original Stanley Died, I Got His Name Tag
Customer: ... And before I go, can I get your name, Stanley*?
Stanley, the salesman: Um... Well, it's... Stanley.
Canton, Michigan
5PM She Should Think about a Reduction
Employee: Not to be ruder than I already am, but did she have a huge head? I mean, it was, like, ghetto-big.
Theater box office
Everett, Washington
Overheard by: I thought it was more '80s than ghetto
4PM I'm Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Boss: What do you think of blood dye?
3120 Lincoln Park Avenue
Los Angeles, California
3PM Did You Get the Package I Sent?
Girl answering phone: Hi.
Guy on speaker: Hey... What are you doing?
Girl: Nothing.
Guy: Don't e-mail me today.
Girl: Why?
Guy: They are using my computer for a presentation.
Girl: Oh, okay.
Guy: I don't need them seeing 'Eff you!'
Girl: Haha, I never put that in the subject line.
Guy: Right... Or 'I eff-ing hate you... And I'm not joking.'
Girl: Hahaha, I haven't said that in so long!
Guy: You texted that to me last night.
Girl: Oh. Hahaha. No, I said, 'You better be dead... And I'm not even joking!'
Law office, Highway 10 and 403
Ontario
Canadia
2PM I'm Inquiring about Volume, Ass
Customer: How big is the one-pound burrito?
Employee: Um, that'd be one pound, ma'am.
Forrest Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa
1PM No, Just for Endemic Racism
Interviewing manager looking at resume: This is what? Your middle name? What language is this?
Interviewee: It's Hawaiian. I'm part Hawaiian.
Interviewer: Oh... So, did you have to wait for the white man to get there before you had a language?
San Diego, California
12PM I'd Be Like, "Order Up!"
Straight server: The new chef looks like Philip Michael Thomas.
Queer server: Oooh! I'd fuck him with his chef hat on!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
11AM I Just Unplug Their Cable
Coworker on phone to husband: We have to start hiding that camera from her. Yeah, yeah... You want me to beat her? Honey, I'm kidding! I'm just kidding! You know I never beat the kids.
14750 Miller Avenue
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Sara
10AM Through the Middle of the Tub
Office grunt: Well, I asked for the guys to fix the electricity, but they built a wall in my bathroom!
Paris
France
9AM Because I'll Be Coming Directly from Work
Assistant #1: So, what are you wearing to the party? You've been pretty secretive about it.
Assistant #2: Well, I'm wearing an old blue slip and a pair of pumps with mirrors on the heels.
Assistant #2: Nice.
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM He Brings Out the Worst in Me and Enjoys It
20-something in scrubs #1: The one I really like is Jared*.
20-something in scrubs #2: Jared?
20-something in scrubs #1: Yeah. When we're together I can really control him.
Hospital, 399 Bathurst Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM But before Having Sex with My Husband
Receptionist: That goes on my to-do list right below having sex with a midget.
Madison, South Dakota
3PM And Sleepy and Grateful?
Assistant: Wait, it doesn't look like the data was deleted when you opened the program.
Boss: What? I thought it was supposed to suck 'em off!
Assistant: What?
Boss: Suck 'em off! Suck 'em off until they're empty!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Working on my resume
2PM The Valedictorian Was a Cinderblock
Ex-Army: I'm dumb as a rock and I still graduated number two in my class.
Ex-Marine: That's the Army for you.
250 South Country Fair Drive
Champaign, Illinois
Overheard by: zundian
1PM Last Time I Tried Both, I Was Asked to Leave
Old employee to young one: So, it was more important to get laid than go to the company picnic?
666 11th Street
Washington, DC
12PM He's Been Coming in a Lot More Since He Got Fired
Suit: When Barry* is out, who should get this report?
Boss: Give it to Barry -- he's in.
Suit: When I asked Susan* I thought she said he wasn't working today.
Boss: She's absolutely right. But he is here today.
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
11AM And You Have Nothing to Be Ashamed Of
Salesman: We're looking for your shorts!
8531 East Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Lowly Clerk
10AM Fraternizing Is Wrong, but I Just Can't Help Myself
Lieutenant: I can't wait to get my hands on your package and give it a good scrubbing.
Oak Harbor, Washington
9AM Figure Out How to Order Lunch and You're Looking at the Vice Presidency
Manager: Wow! I guess if we don't have a receptionist, we don't get any coffee.
Peon: I could make some if you want...
Manager: Really? You know how to do that?
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: I can cook too
5PM By the Three Year Mark I've Forgotten Everything but Hair Color
Poli-Sci professor: How was I supposed to remember her name? I had only lost my virginity to her five years earlier!
College
Wooster, Ohio
4PM You Play Helen Reddy, That's What You Get
Male coworker: All I hear is, 'Yap, yap, yap, I'm cold, yap, yap, yap, I'm a woman.
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Erin