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August 2007 Archives
5PM I Always Fall for That One
ER nurse #1: No, she wouldn't let us. I've been trying for 20 minutes.
ER doctor: Well, then she needs to understand that we can't establish the assault if we can't get to the evidence.
ER nurse #1: I don't think she cares. I mean, she wanted me to smell her underwear!
ER nurse #2: What? Did you?
ER nurse #1: Yeah. It didn't help.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
4PM Sure, She Meets Lots of New People, but She Doesn't Get Their Names
Development manager: ... So then I told my wife that even if we raised our granddaughter she could still end up like her mother. I mean, she doesn't have tattoos, but she does drugs and she's a tramp.
IT analyst: Don't call your daughter a tramp, that's not nice!
Development manager: Why not? She sleeps with every Tom, Dick and Harry!
IT analyst: At least she has a social life.
1600 South 900 West
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Jealous
3PM Nothing Anti-Werewolf -- I Just Can't Stand Hairy Chicks
Woman: My tooth fell out yesterday. You know, chewing gum and blood taste quite nice together.
Suit: You are a vampire.
Woman: No, actually, I'm a werewolf.
Suit: [Moves away.]
Rozemblum
Tel-Aviv
Israel
2PM Sorry, It Was Damaged in Transit
FedEx man: There are a lot of you women hanging around the front desk today.
Vet tech: We're all just waiting to fight over your package.
99th Street and Leavenworth Road
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Christina
1PM Investment Wanker Hard at Work
Cube rat on phone: Sometimes when you go vertical it's hotter than horizontal... You just have to play with it. Sometimes when I'm shooting and I'm too far away from the men's room...
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
12PM Without Warning, My Metaphor Turned on Me
Peon on phone: No, no, I believe that you sent it. I just didn't receive it. I even told Jen* that you wouldn't drop the ball. You are on the ball. You are on balls I haven't even seen yet.
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: OMG
11AM You Really Tell That Story a Lot
Secretary to assistant: Yeah, I went through my lesbian phase, but I could never go back to women 'cause I like giving blowjobs too much!
4400 Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
10AM Plus, I'm a Cat Owner, If You Follow Me
Receptionist #1: Oh we're sorry.
Male customer, trying to pick up his cat from the vet: What?
Receptionist #1: We were talking about personal stuff.
Receptionist #2: Yeah, aren't we typical women? Talking about guys?
Male customer: Well, to be honest, like a typical guy, I wasn't paying attention.
Magazine Street
New Orleans, Louisiana
9AM If You Know What I'm Saying
Female customer: You know, Walt Disney was afraid of mouses.
Friend: Yeah, he also had one in his house.
501 West Lincoln Trail Boulevard
Radcliff, Kentucky
5PM In Other Words, the Classic Bermuda Shorts
Female peon: Do I like the long and skinny ones or the short and fat ones?
Male peon: You like the short and fat ones.
Female peon: I thought I liked the long and skinny ones also...
Male peon: No, I like the long and skinny ones.
Hamilton
Bermuda
4PM Stairs Go Up?
Large male peon: Oh, I usually take the stairs. Do you mind if we take the stairs?
Large lady peon: Yeah, no-no-no. That's absolutely fine. I take the stairs all the time. Absolutely. So long as it isn't up.
Opperman Drive
Eagan, Minnesota
Overheard by: I'm taking the elevator
3PM And I Just Wanted to Thank You for Thinking of Me
Boss: There's nothing like walking to put the newspapers behind the circulation desk and looking out towards the front and having the first thing you see be the word 'penis.'
Library
Richmond, Virginia
2PM My Tumor's Gestating Nicely, Though
Worker bee to another: ... So she said it was fine that she's smoking a pack a day while she's pregnant. She doesn't mind if the baby comes out a little small.
Another worker, from across the room: I've been smoking since I was 16, and my baby still isn't born!
Chesterfield, Missouri
Overheard by: my mom smoked with me too...
1PM If It Was Bud Light, I've Lost All Respect for Him
Lady peon on cell: ... And then there was a picture of him with a beer can up his butt.
Armar Drive
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Overheard by: b
12PM Or Salmon Mousse with Cucumber Sauce
Coworker, after boss's going-away party: I just feel sick... like I'm going to throw up. Maybe I'm allergic to sentiment.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM But Count Me In!
IT guy #1: It seriously sounded like someone was drowning a midget [makes high-pitched gargling noises].
IT guy #2, just walking in from hall: Whoa, that's not a conversation I'm normally apart of.
Richmond, Virginia
10AM Don't Want Him to Get What I Got
Peon on phone, about his son: ... So I bought him condoms... Yes, Mom, I know he's 15, but I was having sex at 15...
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: amused and disgusted all at once
9AM Time to Prepare for That Eventuality
Teen girl: If I don't get an A on this English test I'm going to be even screwed-er.
High school
Sterling, Virginia
Overheard by: The Mean Teacher
5PM So Not Why I Went to College
Cube girl: Man, being on my knees down here really hurts...
Greenville, Texas
Overheard by: me next?
4PM Aliens: Why Don't They Just Use E-mail?
Stoner coworker training newbie on fax machine: This fax machine, like, never works... But I find it really helpful if you whistle the tune to Close Encounters of the Third Kind while you're faxing... [Newbie stares.] See?! Another fax through!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Sarita
3PM Or at Least Faking a Seizure?
Female paralegal: I was in the bank the other day and I saw this cop -- oh my god, he was so gorgeous. I wanted to hold up the bank just to get his attention.
Male lawyer: Ever think of saying hello?
Cafeteria, Supreme Court
Nassau County, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
2PM And Those Are the First Two Bullet-Points on My CV
Peon: I was normally born, and I have a normal head!
11149 Research Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: across the cube
1PM And by "Worked" I Mean They've Learned to Live with It
Cube dweller: I don't see why people need fertility counseling. They should just buy some cheap liquor and rent a Camaro. It worked for everyone I know on the South Side.
Norman, Oklahoma
12PM Let's Touch Type, People -- Time's A-Wasting!
Boss: Let's get things set up. Let's move the mouse.
Bethesda, Maryland
11AM Right after Our Mandatory Three PM Mani/Pedi
Supervisor: Hey, we're all here today... Let's have a meeting!
Employee #1: About what?
Employee #2: American Idol!
Financial center
New York, New York
Overheard by: working hard
10AM Professor, LionsGate Films on Line #2
Literature professor: I don't mean to turn Baudelaire into a snuff film... I mean, a slasher film! A slasher film! Oh, never mind.
Batelle Building, University, Massachusetts Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: nic
9AM It's My Hangover Cure
Grunt #1: Is that a wine bottle in the front seat of your car?
Grunt #2: Yes. I like to drink on my way to work.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
5PM I'll Connect You with the Delphic Oracle
Manager answering phone: XYZ Company*. Can I help you?
Caller: Accounts Receivable, please.
Manager: Do you have a general billing question or is this regarding a specific invoice?
Caller: Exactly.
Manager: [Silence.]
1306 Dahlgren Avenue
Washington, DC
4PM The Architect Insisted the Museum Have a Rumble Seat
Library supervisor: Can you hand me those staplers? I've gotta take them back to those who dwell in the rear.
Library
Columbia, South Carolina
3PM Printers Practice Malicious Compliance
PhD-level analyst: Oh, the copier is printing the whole five hundred pages of that report! I only want the first page! Stop, stop, stop! Why wont it stop?!
Temp: You have to actually press a button. It doesn't work on voice command...
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
2PM Actually, They're from Albany
Girl #1: What country is Paul* from?
Girl #2: He's Albanian. [Girl #1 is silent.] You know... Albania?
Girl #1: Isn't that where all the albinos come from? I didn't know Paul was albino!
Copperfield College
Melbourne
Australia
1PM Can You Convert That to Gimlets?
Banker: What will 50 pounds get me in London?
Analyst: You want the currency translation?
Banker: No.
Analyst: Okay then, 25 beers!
2215 43rd Avenue
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Olivia
12PM Like Marshmallow Fluff on Your Cocoa!
Office chick: How was your weekend?
Office guy: I got a sunburn! Look, my skin is flaking off! [Rubs his arm.]
Office chick: Stop! You're flaking into my coffee!
San Antonio, Texas
11AM And Mess with My Tried and True Regime of FreeCell and Internet Porn?
Exasperated IT guy #1: Don't you have something better to do?!
IT guy #2: Yeah, but I'm not going to do it.
390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas
10AM Popcorn Kernels (You Pervs)
IT help desk: Mine are nothing like yours. Yours get so fluffy when I put them in my mouth.
500 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
9AM When the Original Stanley Died, I Got His Name Tag
Customer: ... And before I go, can I get your name, Stanley*?
Stanley, the salesman: Um... Well, it's... Stanley.
Canton, Michigan
5PM She Should Think about a Reduction
Employee: Not to be ruder than I already am, but did she have a huge head? I mean, it was, like, ghetto-big.
Theater box office
Everett, Washington
Overheard by: I thought it was more '80s than ghetto
4PM I'm Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Boss: What do you think of blood dye?
3120 Lincoln Park Avenue
Los Angeles, California
3PM Did You Get the Package I Sent?
Girl answering phone: Hi.
Guy on speaker: Hey... What are you doing?
Girl: Nothing.
Guy: Don't e-mail me today.
Girl: Why?
Guy: They are using my computer for a presentation.
Girl: Oh, okay.
Guy: I don't need them seeing 'Eff you!'
Girl: Haha, I never put that in the subject line.
Guy: Right... Or 'I eff-ing hate you... And I'm not joking.'
Girl: Hahaha, I haven't said that in so long!
Guy: You texted that to me last night.
Girl: Oh. Hahaha. No, I said, 'You better be dead... And I'm not even joking!'
Law office, Highway 10 and 403
Ontario
Canadia
2PM I'm Inquiring about Volume, Ass
Customer: How big is the one-pound burrito?
Employee: Um, that'd be one pound, ma'am.
Forrest Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa
1PM No, Just for Endemic Racism
Interviewing manager looking at resume: This is what? Your middle name? What language is this?
Interviewee: It's Hawaiian. I'm part Hawaiian.
Interviewer: Oh... So, did you have to wait for the white man to get there before you had a language?
San Diego, California
12PM I'd Be Like, "Order Up!"
Straight server: The new chef looks like Philip Michael Thomas.
Queer server: Oooh! I'd fuck him with his chef hat on!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
11AM I Just Unplug Their Cable
Coworker on phone to husband: We have to start hiding that camera from her. Yeah, yeah... You want me to beat her? Honey, I'm kidding! I'm just kidding! You know I never beat the kids.
14750 Miller Avenue
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Sara
10AM Through the Middle of the Tub
Office grunt: Well, I asked for the guys to fix the electricity, but they built a wall in my bathroom!
Paris
France
9AM Because I'll Be Coming Directly from Work
Assistant #1: So, what are you wearing to the party? You've been pretty secretive about it.
Assistant #2: Well, I'm wearing an old blue slip and a pair of pumps with mirrors on the heels.
Assistant #2: Nice.
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM He Brings Out the Worst in Me and Enjoys It
20-something in scrubs #1: The one I really like is Jared*.
20-something in scrubs #2: Jared?
20-something in scrubs #1: Yeah. When we're together I can really control him.
Hospital, 399 Bathurst Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM But before Having Sex with My Husband
Receptionist: That goes on my to-do list right below having sex with a midget.
Madison, South Dakota
3PM And Sleepy and Grateful?
Assistant: Wait, it doesn't look like the data was deleted when you opened the program.
Boss: What? I thought it was supposed to suck 'em off!
Assistant: What?
Boss: Suck 'em off! Suck 'em off until they're empty!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Working on my resume
2PM The Valedictorian Was a Cinderblock
Ex-Army: I'm dumb as a rock and I still graduated number two in my class.
Ex-Marine: That's the Army for you.
250 South Country Fair Drive
Champaign, Illinois
Overheard by: zundian
1PM Last Time I Tried Both, I Was Asked to Leave
Old employee to young one: So, it was more important to get laid than go to the company picnic?
666 11th Street
Washington, DC
12PM He's Been Coming in a Lot More Since He Got Fired
Suit: When Barry* is out, who should get this report?
Boss: Give it to Barry -- he's in.
Suit: When I asked Susan* I thought she said he wasn't working today.
Boss: She's absolutely right. But he is here today.
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
11AM And You Have Nothing to Be Ashamed Of
Salesman: We're looking for your shorts!
8531 East Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Lowly Clerk
10AM Fraternizing Is Wrong, but I Just Can't Help Myself
Lieutenant: I can't wait to get my hands on your package and give it a good scrubbing.
Oak Harbor, Washington
9AM Figure Out How to Order Lunch and You're Looking at the Vice Presidency
Manager: Wow! I guess if we don't have a receptionist, we don't get any coffee.
Peon: I could make some if you want...
Manager: Really? You know how to do that?
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: I can cook too
5PM By the Three Year Mark I've Forgotten Everything but Hair Color
Poli-Sci professor: How was I supposed to remember her name? I had only lost my virginity to her five years earlier!
College
Wooster, Ohio
4PM You Play Helen Reddy, That's What You Get
Male coworker: All I hear is, 'Yap, yap, yap, I'm cold, yap, yap, yap, I'm a woman.
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Erin
3PM From Drive Your Staff Crazy with Double-Binds
Worker bee: If you're not willing to come in on your days off, you can't complain about being short-staffed.
UK
2PM See, I Kinda Want to Know What It Is Now...
Boss #1 to new lab worker: Okay, now we add the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What are you doing now?
Boss #1: Adding the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: Oh... What is that?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What is that?
Boss #1, irritated: Virus supernatant!
Boss #2: But what is it?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant!
Lab worker #1 to boss #2: Hey, Lou*, what is that? Is it virus supernatant?
Science research building
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM But I Guess My Underling Will Have to Do
Dispatcher peering into Tupperware container: I am so sick of kielbasa I could kick Jesus in the shins!
Emergency center
Pennsylvania
12PM But It's the Tasseled Loafers You Really Have to Look Out For
Sales manager: Jack* didn't show up to work today. He probably went to an interview at another company.
VP: Is this the guy with the shoes?
Sales manager: Yep.
VP: Any dude wearing white shoes and a white belt is somewhat suspect...
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Smiths
11AM Though It Did Help Me Get into Princeton
Coworker #1: I was a munchkin in high school. My only line was 'Cry-meny!'
Coworker #2: You mean 'crih-miny'?
Coworker #1: Well, there goes my moment in the sunshine.
300 Witherspoon Street
Princeton, New Jersey
10AM Why So Many People Work from Home
Disembodied voice: Yeah, I had him for five months -- a big ol' black boy. He had a toilet paper fetish.
Capital of Texas Highway
Austin, Texas
9AM It's a Series of Limericks, Each Filthier Than the Last
Branch manager: I'm sending you an e-mail.
Cube rat #1: Thanks...
Cube rat #2: You're one of those people, huh?
Branch manager: Ha, no, but he'll like this.
Cube rat #2: Is it a funny one about a cat?
Branch manager: No!
Cube rat #2: Drat.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Society Would Crumble without Hypocrisy
Coworker #1: You don't believe in the five-second rule?
Coworker #2, who dropped a chip and threw it away: I do, just not when people are watching...
Richardson, Texas
4PM ... Oh, Bottles of Scotch. What Did You Think I Was Talking About?
Coworker on phone: If you want to know any good 12-year-olds, I can tell you. Just ask.
Rancho Cordova, California
Overheard by: Over H. Eard
3PM It's Only Partially about the Kids
Hockey dad: If this snow keeps up, there won't be any hot-tubbing with the hockey MILFs tonight.
Bachelor: Hockey MILFs?
Hockey dad: You better believe it.
Highways 24 and 401
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: My kid's on the wrong hockey team
2PM So, No Mayan Pyramids?
Manager: Yes, next week we'll all be in Mexico.
Woman #1: I hope you are going to relax this vacation.
Manager: I feel if I don't run around and see everything, I'm wasting the experience.
Woman #2: Let me explain something clearly to you: vacation is sex, food, sleep, more sex, more sex.
Manager: [Stunned.]
Woman #2: That's why you never come back relaxed. Sex, sex, nap, sex. Repeat that.
Garden State Mall
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Woman #3
1PM You Do Smell a Little Ripe
Cube dweller: I'm at the peak of my fat season!
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
12PM A Ninja Pirate Robot Bunny?
Nerd #1: Done! Like a bunny, I am quick!
Nerd #2: Like a ninja bunny!
Nerd #1: ... A ninja, pirate bunny!
Telephone company
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: Jesus Christ
11AM Got Any Engagement Rings That Squirt Poison?
Worker bee: I won't spend 60 dollars on something I can't shoot my friends with.
11145 Westheimer Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: me either
10AM I'm Thinking of Knitting One
Cute chick holding up ballpoint pen: How does this work?
250 Bloor Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: working on a manual
9AM Keeps Trying to Have the Bakery Slice Her Dog
Assistant manager: Ma'am, you can't bring that puppy in here. We're going to have to ask you to leave.
Lady carrying puppy: What? It's a goddamn puppy! Suck my dick!
Assistant manager: You're going to have to leave.
Lady carrying puppy, leaving: Fuck you, bitches!
Assistant manager, cheerfully: Goodbye! Shop again!
7747 Mall Road
Florence, Kentucky
5PM Just Testing the Waters
Boss: We should become alcoholics. That would make work so much easier.
Employee: That bottle of Bailey's in my filing cabinet only lasted me a week and a half.
Boss: You had Bailey's?
Employee: Ummm, no.
Lake Shore Drive
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Like I Said -- Motherplumber
Salesman #1: So, you put your hand in?
Salesman #2: Yeah, well, I tried. At first I could only get my fingers in there, and there's water and this black shit drippin' out.
Salesman #1: Gross... Totally gross.
Salesman #2: It was... And she's yelling at me that I'm doing it wrong, but I'm just trying to work my whole hand in there and she won't shut up!
Neighboring cube rat: Keep your gross-ass sex stories to yo'self!
Salesman #2: I was working on the clogged plumbing at my mother's house!
Equitable building
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Drue K.
3PM Certainly, Sir -- Are You Considering Suicide or Simply Alcoholic?
Man at music counter: Do you happen to have 'The Wreck of the F. Scott Fitzgerald'?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Bearphan
2PM Earl Takes Issue with the Gregorian Calendar
Clerk: This form is made out for June 31st, but there isn't any June 31st.
Salesman: Why not? Is this a leap year?
Brunswick, Georgia
Overheard by: Julian Calendar
1PM And Then We Invaded Iraq
Worker bee: I love the smell of gasoline. I'd sniff gasoline all day long, if it wouldn't, you know, kill you.
2000 East El Segundo Boulevard
El Segundo, California
12PM Although That Could Just Be the Mescaline Talking
Black girl peon #1: That girl is so annoying. She is so happy all the time.
Black girl peon #2: I know, right? It's like she has butterflies coming out of her mouth or something.
Washington, DC
11AM Because We Could Use Interns Instead
Grunt #1: We need to buy a couple of monkeys and have monkey knife fights.
Grunt #2: Is there anything against the law about that?
2540 Satellite Boulevard
Duluth, Georgia
10AM Stupid Hypnotist
Payroll clerk to another: So, whenever anyone says 'payroll,' I stab someone and piss myself!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Goin' Payroll
9AM Can't Get More Gangsta Than Egyptian Vultures
Office peon #1: Yo, you watch that Animal Planet?
Office peon #2: Oooh, one time I saw this bird -- he use a rock like a hammer! Dropped it on a egg, cracked it open... Gangsta, son! Gangsta!
New York, New York
5PM What Made Her Decide to Have That Surgery?
Chick to coworker: Ohhh, okay. Maybe she should stop getting f-ed in the nose. It's only gonna make her uglier.
Upper West Side
New York, New York
4PM Can I Go Home Sick Now?
Advising office applicant to interviewer: Yeah, advisors are worthless.
6001 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Brandy
3PM Details Available Upon Request
Male colleague: Feeling any better?
Female colleague: Sort of.
Male colleague: Did you go make yourself throw up?
Female colleague: No, I can't do that.
Male colleague: Oh, you're one of those people. I can do it on command. I have a very weak sphincter.
530 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: ap
2PM Dad? Dad!
Old man: An hour I'm waiting here! What's the point in making appointments if they make you wait?
Middle-aged son: What's your hurry, Dad? You have no place else to go.
Old man: That's not the point! When they make an appointment they should take you in at that time!
Middle-aged son: Hey, Dad, that's why they call it a 'waiting room.' See all these people? They all have appointments, too.
Old man: When I see that doctor I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
Middle-aged son: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dad. One little injection and they'll carry you out of here dead, and nobody's gonna ask why a 91-year-old man died suddenly.
Doctor's waiting room
Rockville Centre, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
1PM Lucky I Have You to Look after the Details
Boss: ... So I said, 'Two words: Go fuck yourself.'
Employee: Three words, boss.
Boss: Whatever.
Hadera
Israel
Overheard by: SmR
12PM Stupid Cracker
Executive: Where's the resume I asked for? Where's Bashir's* resume? Goddammit, I can't find that idiot's resume. Stupid Indian.
Assistant: [Silent.]
Executive: So anyways, have you been following this Don Imus thing?
420 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Now That We've Put the Lime in the Coconut
Nurse: Why can't we just put the hair on the pancreas?
Medical office
Jacksonville, Florida
Overheard by: So Glad I Work Here
10AM This Is Kansas -- You're Lucky We're Reading
Librarian: Don't use a potato chip as a bookmark!
Library
Overland Park, Kansas
Overheard by: Manager Guy
9AM Actually, It's Our Co-Worker, Rita
Office peon orienting a temp: And this, well, it may look like a copier, but it's really--
Temp: --A space ship?
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
5PM And, You Know, Agony
Male desk drone, stretching: I'd love one of those medieval torture tables, y'know?
Female coworker: Uh, the rack?
Male desk drone: Yeah! I love stretching.
Hertfordshire
UK
Overheard by: Lorzgrins
4PM No Expectations, No Disappointment
Worker bee #1: I've never had a Hungry Man meal before.
Worker bee #2: It's not bad. Just don't pretend you're eating real food.
Austin, Texas
3PM We Ended Up Hiring the Stoner Ex-Con with Style
Manager: We didn't hire him because he wore Hush Puppies.
5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whitney
2PM Trust Me, They're More Afraid of You Than You Are of Them
Data entry guy #1: Ya know what freaks me out?
Data entry guy #2: Um... What?
Data entry guy #1: Canadians.
Dallas, Texas
1PM Compounded by My Lack of Clothes
Manager: It gets really cold in our office. I haven't figured out the reason yet, because I'm not a physicist. I think it has something to do with the air conditioning coming on.
California
12PM Well, Now You're Just Bragging
Defense attorney at deposition: ... And before the accident, about how many times per month were you intimate with your wife?
Plaintiff: Um, probably upper 20s.
Defense attorney, incredulous: Upper 20s?!
Plaintiff: Yeah. My wife is Latin.
9th Street
Sacramento, California
11AM I'm Having One Now
Office girl: This magazine says that men, on average, have sex 84 times a year.
Older math geek: Hmmm. That's like one and a half times a week.
Office girl: What do you mean, 'half'? There are no half-times when it comes to sex.
Older math geek: Trust me, there are.
Chantilly, Virginia
10AM Requiring a Constant Airflow Across Her Cooling Fins
Lady #1: Yeah, so I saw Evie* over at the courthouse, and she yells at me, 'Yo, girl, you wearin' panties?' And so I say back, 'Yeah, I sho' am!' Her mother gets right up and tells me she ain't wearin' any panties.
Lady #2: Haha. Why she at court?
Lady #1: Some probation thing.
1340 Forest Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Reggie Queen
9AM Collect Them All! Trade with Your Friends!
Secretary: What I'd give for an eight-year-old vagina again...
Orange County, California
5PM Judging by Your Lower Back Tattoo
Bimbette: Yeah, my dad bought me this really great promise ring for my birthday.
Teacher: Isn't it a little too late?
High school
San Diego, California
4PM I Think I Have to Go Home Sick
Cube rat playing with promotional sticky ball: When I hold this ball too long my hand starts to smell.
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
3PM Who Put This in My Mouth, Anyway?
Boss: What the hell is this in my mouth? It's not the butterscotch I expected, that's for sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
2PM You! Write This Down!
Boss in team meeting: I know these conversations are going nowhere, but we're on a deadline so we need to get nowhere faster!
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Followed by a Scourging with Birch Twigs
Female coworker: I do a dry rub followed up with a vinegar wash.
Portland, Oregon
12PM Why the Germans Were Lost When the Berlin Wall Came Down
Boss #1: Most of our people in philanthropy are on coke... They get the work done, but the meetings are like coke conventions.
Boss #2: I had an ex-girlfriend who was always on a lot of coke. I didn't know it, though. I thought she just had a lot of energy. Once, when she was really high, I had to throw her against a wall to snap her out of it.
Boss #1: Well, that's what you have to do sometimes.
Miami, Florida
11AM The Best Boss That Ever Had Me
Team leader: She was like some kind of robot lesbian.
St. John's, Newfoundland
Canadia
10AM Or Throw the File behind the Radiator and Hope No One Notices
New girl: How do you file your customer requests?
Veteran: By subject.
New girl: But what if there are two subjects in one request?
Veteran: You pick one.
116th and Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Aren't You a Little Curious about the Monkey Pushing the Mail Cart?
Boss: I have no idea what goes on, and that's the way I like it!
Balltown Road
Schenectady, New York
5PM Tell My Secretary to Fetch the Official Bucket
Executive assistant: Shit! Oh, wait, no. I take back my shit.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
4PM By American Standards That Makes Him a Good Father
Office guy: He's married with two kids, but all he does is play Xbox.
Office girl: That's not good.
Office guy: Well, he does find time to do other things, like, you know, play with his kids and smoke weed.
Connecticut
3PM On the Plus Side, I've Lost Five Pounds Since We Became Friends
Queer temp on phone: God, I hate Lynn*! I can never spend any long periods of time with her because we can never eat. Why does she have to be anorexic? Why can't she just be bulimic so she can at least eat with me and then puke it all up later? Hell, she can even use my finger or toothbrush!
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas
2PM Bunnies: We're Concentrating on Our Careers
Receptionist: Yeah, the Deals Team all have babies about the same age. They must have just all at once started procrastinating like bunnies!
30 Warwick Street
London
England
Overheard by: Supertemp
1PM I Once Was Lost, but Now Am TBD
24-year-old hotel suit: Excuse me, sir, can I help you find something?
Meeting attendee, wandering around: Yes! Where is room TBD?!
Fancy hotel
Rosemont, Illinois
Overheard by: Jaw dropping in disbelief
12PM Ahoy, Space Station, Prepare to Be Boarded!
NASA intern: Okay, kids, let's put on our pirate costumes and play spaceman!
Research center
California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl
11AM One Cold Day It Got Stuck
20-ish male CNA: Hey, what's a taint?
20-ish female nurse #1: Well, it 'taint your balls, and it 'taint your asshole -- it's in between.
20-ish female nurse #2: I don't think I have a taint...
20-ish male CNA: I had a girlfriend in high school who used to like to put her tongue there!
130 2nd Street
Neenah, Wisconsin
10AM Could and Have
New chef: I gotta take a dump.
Waiter: There's no toilet seat in the employee bathroom.
New chef: Dude, I just got out of jail after five years. I could shit in a pickle bucket in the middle of our dining room and it wouldn't bother me.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM ... Which Are Also a Delicacy in Mexico
Office guy #1: Does anyone know of, like, a Mexican dessert?
Office guy #2: Why?
Office guy #1: Oh, my wife is having a Mexican-themed party and I have to think of a dessert.
Office guy #3: Flan? I think that is Mexican. I don't know what it is, though...
Office gal: Flan is nasty. It has a nasty texture. Flan is like the texture of a rotten cooter.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: I don't like flan either...
5PM I'll Start, and You Take Over When I Get Dizzy
Coworker to another, finding that doughnuts are gone: You wanna just lick the box with me?
Fredericksburg, Virginia
4PM Another Drawback of the Atkins Diet
Coworker to another: Remember the time you spilled your meat juice in the back of my Pathfinder?
6412 Maple Avenue
Westminster, California
3PM Well, It's in the Decontamination Chamber Right Now...
Boss: Did you find mail in the bathroom?
Intern: Yeah, is it yours?
Boss: Yeah, I left it there on purpose.
Intern: Do you want me to put it back?
Boss: No, I'll take it now, please.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
2PM I Try to Put Him Out of My Misery
Lady #1: Is your husband feeling any better?
Lady #2: No, but I am getting better at avoiding him and ignoring him.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
1PM If It Crawls Under the Files, They'll Never See It Again
Peon, about crowd: What's going on over there?
Coworker: One of them's just had a baby and he's brought it in. Look, there it is on the floor!
Hertfordshire
UK
Overheard by: well, there's no daycare
12PM Those Are Real?
Account rep: Is this other elevator still broken?
Receptionist: Correct.
Account rep: But, but, isn't that, like, a fire hazard?
Receptionist: Um, see those signs that say 'In case of fire, do not use elevators'?
Account rep: Oh. Right.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: glad she's not a firefighter
11AM I'm Just Trying to Be Polite
Hardhat #1 yelling to buddy in crane: How'd you get to be so tall?
Hardhat #2: Insanity.
Hardhat #1: Shamu?
Hardhat #2: No -- insanity.
Hardhat #1: I can't hear anything down here.
University of Arkansas
Fayetteville, Arkansas
10AM Help Me, Champollion, You're My Only Hope!
Boss: Dude, your plan should be clearly stated on your bill.
Angry employee: Have you seen an ABC Wireless* bill? It's like the Rosetta Stone fucked a coked-up prostitute and out came my bill.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
9AM He Was Talking Slowly because He Thinks Americans Are Stupid
Assistant to receptionist: Remember that phone call you transferred to me earlier? The guy you thought was drunk? Turned out he was just Canadian.
Reston, Virginia
5PM Just to Bachelorette Parties
New assistant on phone: Hang on, I have to look up our address... Well, I've never had to mail myself to work.
Renaissance Center
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: JuJu
4PM We Figured You Upgraded from Food Crumbs
Male coworker covered in cardboard: Thanks for telling me I've been walking around with box all over my chest.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: K-Slim
3PM Sleepy? Blitzen? Buckwheat?
Sarge: Is Posh gonna be there?
Office peon: Yeah!
Sarge: Sporty?
Office peon: Yeah!
Sarge: Spunky?
Office peon: That's not a Spice Girl!
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
2PM Help Yourself to a Sandwich While You're Down There
Receptionist on phone: Look under my dress. There should be paper and a pen.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Liz
1PM And Nobody Will Talk about Building 231
Intern: You'd expect building 233 to be right next to 230, but 230 is, like, totally inside and 233 is totally, like, right here.
NASA Ames Research Center
California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl
12PM Addictive and Bad for Your Teeth
Editor #1: I've developed a really bad habit.
Editor #2: What?
Editor #1: A can of Mountain Dew in the afternoon.
Editor #2: Be careful -- Mountain Dew is the crystal meth of sodas.
770 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fax Machine
11AM I Can Turn This Single into One If You Have a Paint Pen
Receptionist: No, cash or check only. [Student reveals he only has nine dollars.] Hm. Do you have a 10-dollar bill?
UMW Student Accounts Office
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Guillermo
10AM He's Modeled after That Guy from Chasing Amy
Peon #1: Where's Kevin* today?
Peon #2: What is it, Thursday? Guess it depends on whether he's black or gay today.
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
9AM Free Will in the Delivery Room
Coworker, about a newborn: Then her husband cut the Biblical cord...
171 17th Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM Amphibians Have Always Been the Key to American Wealth
Woman: What would you do with a million dollars?
Man: I would buy all the frogs in the world and start a frog farm!
111 Founders Plaza
East Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Bamber
4PM All Part of the Element of Surprise
Senior officer: They keep changing the uniforms! I can't tell who's in the Navy and who's parking cars!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM But If a Cops Film Crew Shows Up, the Shirt Is History
Seminar coordinator: Between keeping my shoes on and keeping my britches on, there'll be no running from me!
14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Marissa
2PM Some PAC Money and We're on Our Way
Supervisor on phone: Yeah, it usually takes about, I don't know, three or four days to get the good whores, and then...
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
1PM Are You Immune to Postal Death Rays? We're Hiring!
Girl: One stamp please. [Crusty mail lady puts Christmas stamp on envelope.] Oh, ummm, does it need to be that one? [Crusty mail lady shoots death rays with eyes.] But they're Jewish! [More death rays.] But I'm asking them for a job! [Crusty mail lady rips off Christmas stamp and replaces with flower stamp.] Ummm...
Crusty mail lady: Fifty-one cents.
Post office
Michigan
Overheard by: Jen
12PM They Tilt Their Heads Just So to Avoid a Lifting Body Shape
Chubby office girl #1: ... And I'm a big girl, okay? The wind was blowing so hard that I almost fell over. I dunno how other people stay on the ground.
Chubby office girl #2: I've often wondered that.
Chubby office girl #1: Why I'm so fat?
Chubby office girl #2, laughing: No, how skinny people aren't airborne more often.
Chubby office girl #1: They're more aerodynamic, I guess.
State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Liz
11AM I Knew It!
Engineer #1: So, what do you think?
Engineer #2: About what?
Engineer #1: I never knew that they made clip-on ties in such a variety of colors.
Tech lead, wearing bright purple, non-clip-on tie: Haha... Aye. Very funny.
Engineer #2: Yeah, I need to strap one on this weekend.
Cranberry, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Slappy
10AM Dude, If It Doesn't "Die" within Five Hours, You're Supposed to Consult a Physician
Worker guy: Ya know, my wife and I have a parakeet that just will not die!
Mayland Drive
Richmond, Virginia
9AM Like I Was Away on Maternity Leave, or That Our Company Doesn't Exist?
Boss on phone with lawyer: Last year? What? I don't remember last year. Hell, I hardly remember yesterday, let alone last year... Can't we just make something up?
Pearl District
Portland, Oregon
5PM Or Should It Go Under "B" for "Bubble"?
Admin: We received a brochure for a fog and bubble machine in the mail today... This is cool! Why are they sending us this?
Coworker: Oh, Alan* saw that at the trade show and wanted it. If we had a bubble party, would you show up in a bikini?
Admin: Of course! We'll file this under 'Awesome.'
San Luis Obispo, California
Overheard by: blueangelrock
4PM Billable Hours of Sweet Oblivion
Assistant: Are you leaving early?
Attorney: Yep.
Assistant: Why? It's only 3:30.
Attorney: 'Cause I like to drink.
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Staja
3PM That Was the Moment We Could Have Turned Back from the Brink
Student: So, now we have an extra microscope. Could we return it and get credit from the company?
Professor: Let's sell it on the black market and use the money for a really big party!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
2PM Bridget Jones on the Fire Pole?
Valley girl: I could not believe it -- they were showing her vah-jay-jay over and over.
Office bathroom, 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Our Spy Was Mistaken. These Were Actually Congressmen
Maintenance man #1: Oooh, my date last night had some fine titties.
Maintenance man #2: Yes siree, when we hooked up I loved me some of them.
Maintenance man #3: I've seen better than hers. [Gesturing to passerby] Look at those. But I guess I'd have to see them naked to really compare.
Office building, House of Representatives
Washington, DC
12PM So Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No
Art teacher: So, we'll just add some black to this painting...
Girl: Hunter, isn't black your favorite color?
Boy: It's the color of my soul.
High school, 700 Broadway
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM It's the Stooges, on Conference Call
Tech on phone: Hello, sir, I'm calling to-- Yes, hello, this is Aaron* from-- Yes, hello, I'm calling to verify an order you placed wi-- Don't say 'hello' again! I know you can hear me!
216 Mitch Lane
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
10AM The Meter Is Running Even As We Speak
Incompetent project manager, after asking redundant questions: Um... Are you going to charge this time to my project?
Competent cube dweller: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna charge this! I'm gonna charge the fuck outta this project!
940 6th Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Carver Stone
9AM I'm Talking Quantum-Singularity Black
Manager: Could you make this a lighter red?
Designer: You mean pink?
Manager: No, not pink. A lighter red.
Designer: Uh...
Manager: And this part here -- do you have a darker black?
Designer: No, black is pretty much black.
Manager: Well, it needs to be darker than black.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: bobby
5PM Our Role in the Service Industry?
Employee to another: You're down on your hands and knees eating a banana. How do you not know what that symbolizes?
Route 209 and Weir Lake Road
Brodheadsville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: CW
4PM Eh, the Whole State Has a Permanent Case of Colony Collapse Disorder
Grunt #1: Oh, man, I need a bagel. I weighed myself this morning and I'm lighter than I should be.
Grunt #2: One thirty-nine?
Grunt #1: Yeah, that's bad... Even for me.
Grunt #3: Carbo-load.
Grunt #2: Put butter and cream cheese on the bagel.
Grunt #1: Oh my god, did you hear about the bees?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: They're dying.
Grunt #3: Oh, yeah, I think it was Einstein that said if the bees die, you know, culture dies...
Grunt #2: Bee culture?
Grunt #1: No, like us -- California culture.
Grunt #3: Performing arts?
1355 Sansome Street
San Francisco, California
3PM For a Dollar, All You're Getting Is an Estimate
Shipping guy: How much handling can you get for a dollar?
Richmond Road
Bedford Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: Shannon
2PM How'd This Get in Here?
Manager to self, while cleaning store's sign: Scrubbing the N, I'm scrubbing the N... Cleaning a T, I clean the T, that's right... Scrubbing the A, I'm scrubbing the A... [Reaches through the center hole of the A.] Scrubbing the A-hole, cleaning out the A-hole... Wait...
Valley View Mall
Roanoke, Virginia
Overheard by: Amused newbie
1PM So the Third Installment Will Be Terrible?
Boss lady: I think Rick* was talking to people in our aisle for a record 52 minutes. He's finally gone.
Assistant: Don't worry. He'll be back. Like herpes and the Terminator.
Wausau, Wisconsin
12PM And Therefore Diseased
Cube rat on phone: They're cheap and easy.
9744 Forest Lane
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Renee
11AM I'm Excited about Our Constancy of Purpose, I Should've Said
New girl: I'm excited about the new direction of the company!
Boss: Um, we try to avoid saying 'new direction' around here.
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Amused coworker
10AM That's Really at the Heart of All of Our Marital Issues, Doctor
Cake decorator: It's because you hit me with the fish!
1 Kent Road
New Milford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Nik
9AM If We Can Watch
Manager #1: Time for the meeting.
Manager #2: Can I just tie a fucking bag of stray cats over my head instead?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM The Best Managers Don't Even Show Up to Work
Chief technology officer: Can't we find someone else to do it?!
495 Circle 85
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Lizerati
4PM It Means God Leaves Us Alone and We Do Likewise
Former Mormon chick: I'm not really into religion anymore.
Dude: Oh, yeah?
Former Mormon chick: Yeah. I think I'm a Deist.
Dude: That's interesting.
Former Mormon chick: I need to research what that means, though.
Salt Lake City, Utah
3PM God, Will This Freakin' Day Ever End?
Worker bee: So, there are seven categories, and each category has seven sections. Seven times seven is... a lot.
Mercer Street and Fairview Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: passed 3rd grade math
2PM Or Your Christless Superstition
Manager at staff meeting: Let's go around the table, and everyone state your religion.
Pasadena, California
1PM Where Do You Buy the Big Paper?
Algebra TA: Um, did anyone get this answer?
Dude #1: Well, I did, but it was after many beers and a really big piece of paper.
Dude #2: That's the philosophy of math, isn't it?
University of Pittsburgh, 3990 5th Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Didn't get the same answer
12PM And So Began the 2007 Rold Gold Rush
CEO: I need you to call Dan*.
VP: Why?
CEO: I need you to distract him while I steal his pretzels. I need those pretzels.
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Cubeville denizen
11AM Professor Prospero Is Interdisciplinary to a Fault
Grad student presenter: ... So we think that the protein might be diffusing.
Professor: Well, according to the dream I had last night, that couldn't happen.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
10AM Sorry, Just Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Senior biologist: Don't have them call me with any technical questions. Have them call Jack* in Municipal.
Redneck engineer: Ya ever tie two cats together by the tail and throw them over a clothesline?
Senior biologist: What?!
Engineering Firm
New Cumberland, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: intern liberal biologist
9AM The Streets Are Filled with Earnest Strivers, Though
Straight cube girl: Straight people are a dime a dozen! It's hard to find a good lesbian lover. You, of all people, should know that.
Straight cube guy: I know, I know.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM We're Highly Motivated to Accomplish the Mission
Supervisor: You were loud.
Underling: We were just talking.
Supervisor: You were screaming.
Underling: Well, we always scream.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM I'm Sorry, Our Time Is Up for Today
Employee #1: Do you ever have dreams about losing your teeth?
Employee #2: Um, no.
Employee #1: I feel as if they are inadequate.
12012 Sunset Hills Road
Reston, Virginia
Overheard by: Carly
3PM Uncle Walter, for Shame!
Cube rat on phone: Yeah, last year I did about 75 kids, and I'm hoping to do more this year.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
2PM If It's Not Coming, We Need to Know
Suit: We need that information RSVP.
Minion: Uh, ASAP?
Suit: I don't think so.
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Joe
1PM Enlighten Me about the Vietnamese While I Jot Down Notes
Newbie: Are you Chinese or Japanese?
Korean working the register: What?! Japanese are rich, ignorant fools, and Chinese are murderous barbarians. I am Korean!
Newbie: Oh. I never knew that...
Korean deli, 1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
12PM You Really Need to Go with Original Manufacturer's Equipment for Internal Organs
Girl on cell: I totally need to go to a doctor. I think I have that imitation bowel syndrome!
Office
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Jason Carr
11AM Nice Work If You Can Get It
HR girl: Have you looked at that guy's resume?
HR guy: Yeah, but I'm a little concerned about his spermatic work history.
HR girl: ... Sporadic?
HR guy: Yeah. My bad.
Terrell, Texas
Overheard by: HR girl 2
10AM Just Getting You Back for the Infamous Glitter Incident of '05
Coworker entering another's cube with hole-puncher, stack of paper, and beginning to punch holes: If I do this in my office, then there will be little paper circles all over my floor, and that's really annoying.
1632 Da Vinci Court
Davis, California
9AM You Guys from Nantucket Are So Sensitive
Cube rat #1: Dude, I'm going to send you a poem.
Cube rat #2: Okay.
Cube rat #1: Don't get offended, okay?
Cube rat #2: Okay.
Cube rat #1: Dude, promise me you won't get offended.
4949 Westown Parkway
Des Moines, Iowa
5PM What Do You Think "Gay" Means?
Patient: I'm going to see The Lion King tonight.
Nurse #1: Can you imagine doing shows like that every night, traveling all the time?
Nurse #2: Most of them are gay anyhow, so it's no big deal.
Red Cross van
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Taxman
4PM Hey, Listen, I Gotta Go Fly a Plane. Talk to You Later?
Loud guy on cell: No way! Last time they didn't charge me with a felony!
Blue Grass Airport
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: Glad to be leaving the States
3PM Since I'm about to Saddle You with a Ton of Paperwork
Coworker #1: Did you drive or take the train today?
Coworker #2: Train.
Coworker #1: What time are you leaving?
Coworker #2: I don't know...
Coworker #1: Oh, I think I'm leaving before that.
Office building, 47th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM He'd Better Bring His "A" Game or a Friend
Film crew girl #1: So, it was really awful, then?
Film crew girl #2: Oh my god, it was worse. He gave me the worst sex ever. I mean, the least you can do when you've made me pay for dinner and the cinema and drinks and stayed at my house all weekend is give me a right good seeing to.
Film crew girl #1: Seeing him again?
Film crew girl #2: Tomorrow night.
Brick Lane
London
England
Overheard by: Nics
1PM Which Is Why These New Retinal-Scan Pencils Will Really Catch On
Worker bee: The easier pencils are to find, the easier they are to steal.
Plymouth, Michigan
Overheard by: Tim
12PM It's What Dad Would've Wanted
Woman on cell: ... So now instead of going to the funeral we're going to the strawberry festival.
Indiana government center
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Mmm... strawberries
11AM Yep, the Bad Samaritan Is Straight
Garbage man to another: I was driving a truck on the on-ramp and I seen a naked guy runnin' alongside the freeway. I yelled at him, 'Yeah! Way to go! Naked people are cool!' It wasn't like it gave me a chub or anything.
Garbage company
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: the dispatcher whose heard it all
10AM Plus, They're Doing Amazing Things with GPS These Days
Indian woman: I gave my 11-year-old son his introduction to sex last night.
White woman: Uh... What did you do with him?
Indian woman: I explained to him everything he needed to know. It's part of our traditions.
White woman: You explained to him about orgasms, and where the clitoris is?
Indian woman: Oh, yes, and I was quite surprised to find out how much he already knew.
White woman: Such as...?
Indian woman: He told me he knew what the G-spot was, and how to find it.
White woman: Where would an 11-year-old boy learn about things like that?
Indian woman: From his friends. Many of them have sisters and mothers who they have seen in the nude.
White woman: Well, uh, good luck.
DMV office
Westbury, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
9AM Boyfriends Are So Difficult to Maintain
Engineer to room full of coworkers: Well, I figure if he takes a crap every day, he's eating enough, right?
West Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: Maybe Engineers Shouldnt Be Fathers
5PM If That's Not Normal, I Don't Want to Know What Is!
Metrosexual CSR: I don't know -- I just feel like most normal straight men shouldn't know all the lyrics to Rent.
915 Broadway
New York, New York
4PM Freud Discovers Psychoanalysis and Calls His Mom
Manager on phone: Oh, yes, I remember now. Fuck you!
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
3PM You'd Pick It Then Turn It into Sauce?
Boss: I don't produce much chest hair, but if I did, I would tend to it like a gardener tends to a beautiful tomato.
Waltham, Massachusetts
2PM Doctor, We've All Developed These Murderous Impulses
Old coworker: You don't know anything about the Beatles.
Young coworker: Sure I do. They were influenced by the Monkees.
90 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Shaun G
1PM And Cool, Sweet Existential Despair
Peon #1: The French are pretentious, but every once in a while they invent something cool.
Peon #2: Yeah, like wife-swapping.
504 Main Street
Colorado
Overheard by: shaine
12PM Why Is Blackwater Security Even Doing a Children's Project?
Employee digging for appropriate giveaway for children's project: Let's see what we got... Oooh, a grenade! Kids love grenades!
Noho
New York, New York
11AM I've Got Quotas to Meet
Cop: Is there any such thing as too many crackheads? I don't think so. There are just never enough.
Academy Street
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Dude
10AM And Are There Any Leftover Sausages?
Waitress: I ate so many pork sausages yesterday at the picnic, when I fart it sounds like a pig squealing [makes loud squealing sounds over and over].
Waiter: Did you used to be a guy or something?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM Watch Out! She's Packing an Oozy
Secretary: Stop it... Stop it! I will menstruate all over you!
Citic Tower
Hong Kong
China
5PM Don't Try -- Just Say "I'm Sorry" and Shake Hands
Associate: I have a hard time crying over dead children.
910 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: The Man
4PM Prepare to Be Snubbed and Not Recognize It
Company rep: Good morning, monsieurs and madames! I thought we were all friends, but I've heard that someone here thinks I'm pretentious.
Law firm
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Megsie
3PM Cubicle Butt
Sales guy: So, Tim*, you're finished training that guy already?
Support dude: Yeah, it was going to be all day, but his bottom got sore and he had to go home.
Islington
London
2PM I've Got 99
Customer: Can you direct me to the problems office please?
Receptionist: The problems office? I've never heard of them.
Customer: Oh... Maybe they closed down...
Receptionist: What kind of problems did they solve?
Customer: Any kind of problems!
Receptionist: Am I able to help?
Customer: Nah...I'll just come back another time.
Gold Coast
Australia
Overheard by: Cam
1PM Caller: Good News! They Told Me It Was Okay!
Coworker on phone: I believe the court will look unfavorably at you getting arrested, yes... Well, yeah, obviously a misdemeanor would be better than a felony... I am not saying it's okay. I'm saying that the court tends to sort of get pissed off at you when you get arrested at all, but it's even worse when you get arrested for a felony-level offense. What do you mean, you're not planning on getting caught? You're asking me about what your chances would be of getting your kids back if you got arrested... I'm pretty sure that's a felony. And no, I don't think the court will be lenient with you if you say you hold the drugs to make money to get your kids back. Not the criminal court or our court... Um, that's definitely a crime. Okay. Bye [hangs up]... How weird is it that I felt like there was nothing wrong with that conversation until after I got off the phone with her?
425 Shatto Place
Los Angeles, California
12PM Use a Spoon Like Everyone Else
Woman gazing wistfully into yogurt cup: If my tongue was long enough, I'd lick my bottom.
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Mark
11AM I Already Have Your Address
Cashier #1: I don't understand why people act like such assholes to us, you know?
Cashier #2: Because they know we can't say anything back.
Cashier #1: But... for all they know we could be mentally unbalanced and one little comment from them could send us over the edge, and we could get their addresses and hack them into pieces one night.
Cashier #2: I'm telling my mama not to go through your line no more, you crazy bitch.
Grocery store
Farmville, North Carolina
Overheard by: MB
10AM 16 Years Old Is Legally Too Young to Consent to Dill
Woman to boss: You should absolutely take your daughter to see To Kill a Mockingbird. Unless, of course, you're worried about rape.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
9AM I Wouldn't Still Be Here If It Weren't My Company
Admin girl: Are you sure you don't have any meetings scheduled this afternoon or want to leave early to get a start on your weekend?
Boss: Nope, I'm all free this afternoon and thought I'd catch up on paper work.
Admin girl: Oh, okay.
Boss: Why?
Admin girl: Because when you leave early I normally give you 10 minutes' headway and then sneak out myself.
Boss: Ugh, just go already.
Brisbane
Australia
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