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July 2007 Archives
5PM Although Osteoporosis Is a Close Second
Coworker #1: I wonder who'll get the Pfizer account...
Coworker #2: I hope I do! I love reading about erections!
Fort Point
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM I Was Shocked, but Not Surprised
Admin #1: Oooh, there's cheesecake in the fridge!
Admin #2: I don't really like cheesecake.
Admin #1: There's pecan pie, too.
Admin #2: I only like pecan pie if I make it.
Admin #1: What?!
Admin #2: I said, I only like pecan pie if I make it.
Admin #1: Oh! I thought you said 'if I'm naked'!
619 Dolley Madison Road
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Not the receptionist
3PM It's a Free-Range Office
Client: Is it North or South of Route 24?
Manager: Well, that depends on where you're coming from.
Client: Oh, really? How does that work?
Huntington, New York
2PM He Sent Pictures, See?
Assistant checking weather online: Ohhh! Derek* got 12 inches yesterday!
Cube rat: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Assistant: He got 12 inches!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM I'm Way Better at It Than Jack Is
Coworker: Don't close my door. Jack* and I like to communicate.
Jack: What'd you say?
Williamsburg, Virginia
12PM Unlike These Ammunition Rounds, Which Are Totally Still Live
X-ray machine attendant, picking stuffed panda up off belt: This one's dead... He didn't make it through the machine.
Airport
Los Angeles, California
11AM But That's Not Important Right Now
Male peon: Oh, I love this song!
Lady peon: Really, what is it?
Male peon: Uh... Music...
178 Middle Street
Portland, Oregon
10AM You Don't Start Out Hating Them
Angry girl coworker: Goddammit! I fucking hate people!
Friend: But you work in HR...
501 Front Street
Norfolk, Virginia
9AM In Fairness, the Hanger Had One of Those Foam Covers
Social worker: Honestly, what parent in their right mind hands a toddler who is just learning to walk a wire hanger as a chew toy in goodwill and thinks it's a good idea?
Medical Center
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: makin a difference
5PM Avast, Ye Lubber!
Lieutenant: You work for a law enforcement agency, not a pirate ship!
Employee with sideburns: Sir?
Columbus Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM I Thought I Told You Never to Call Here Again
Caller: That's 'A' as in 'elbow'...
400 Main Street
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Bewildered
3PM The Art of the Blue Job
Painting professor: I paint for people who look at art. Like, my mom will look at this and go, 'Oh, I like the blue.' And I don't have to explain to my mother that this is actually about some weird sex thing I did.
Providence, Rhode Island
2PM You Know It Doesn't Involve Real Fire, Right?
Branch manager: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to fire him? I'll fire anyone -- I don't care!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM When Good Deeds Become Career-Limiting
HR clerk: Excuse me, ma'am, but it appears that you have something stuck in your pantyhose on your left leg.
Visiting manager's wife: I'm not wearing pantyhose!
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM You're Not at High Times Anymore, Toto
Managing editor, on drug screening: We even test the interns. I was shocked by that. I thought everyone just assumed they were stoned all the time.
Newspaper office
Ohio
Overheard by: I didn't get the job
11AM And Fourth, If You Ever Incorrectly Cite That Movie Again, You're Fired
Guy in jeans and flip flops walks into office at 11 a.m. and high-fives two employees on the way.
Newbie in suit: Dude, he's totally pulling an Office Space. We better watch him -- he might set the building on fire. Or start gutting fish at his desk.
Cube dweller: Okay, first of all, that was Milton who set the building on fire, not Peter Gibbons. Second, it's Casual Friday, which is probably why he's dressed like that. And third, he doesn't work here.
Insurance office
Long Island, New York
10AM But at Least You've Stopped Throwing Your Cat Up into Trees
Scientist at desk to tech in lab: Just because you want to see hot firemen doesn't mean you have to set off the alarm!
20925 Crossroads Circle
Waukesha, Wisconsin
9AM I'm a Harvard MBA, for Christ's Sake
General manager: I've got a small favor to ask you...
Sales guy: I am not getting in a chicken suit and dancing on the roof again!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Stayin' until 5...
5PM Another Conquest for Gerald
Cute intern reading UPS package label: Hey, Gerald*, you got a big package!
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: fatty
4PM Or Just Kick Him Like Usual?
Phone rep: Yes, Jerry* is here. Would you like me to punch him?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah R
3PM No More Sleeping Under Bridges with Teenagers?
Employee: Everything about my life sucks right now! I need to go home, and I need to have a shower, and I need to get laid by someone who knows what he's doing for once, and then I need to go to bed.
Sackville
New Brunswick
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
2PM But Ranting Is My Chosen Artform!
Disgruntled woman: Did you get my e-mail?
Boss: Yes, but you're so consistently negative I didn't bother to read it. Plus, your e-mails are always too long.
Disgruntled woman: What?
Boss: From now on, you're limited to two paragraphs-- No! Two sentences. And try to be positive for a change.
Chantilly, Virginia
1PM And Still Had Time to Paint My Apartment
Manager: So, how was your weekend?
Intern: Good. I cheated on my boyfriend with two guys.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: The Temp
12PM Been Feeling a Bit Queer All Day
English coworker: I'm just going outside to suck on a fag.
Irvine, California
Overheard by: James
11AM Listen, Lucy, with Your Body Fat, It Was Totally Improper
HR peon in charge of sexual harassment issues: Lucy*, it's so good to see you! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!
Lucy: I just want everyone within earshot to know that she's talking about seeing me at the gym, and not in any improper activity!
4850 Mark Center Drive
Alexandria, Virginia
10AM The Weighing of the Liver Was My Favorite Part!
Coworker to intern: So, how was the autopsy? Did you have a good time?
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
9AM The Texas Supreme Court Docket Has It All!
Office peon on phone: It's got everything -- sex toys, dumb people, oil companies...
Washington, DC
Overheard by: um, yeah
5PM What Gall He Has
Office manager in transplant center, slamming down phone: How dare he call me about heart when I have liver all over my desk?!
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
4PM At Least, We Think It Will Be Them
Boss on phone to wife: Yes, they'll be in this evening. Well, afternoon-ish... Probably in the morning.
Cardiff
Wales
3PM Not the Worst Wedding Toast Ever...
Boss: It's been a great week, except for the rash.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Actually, They All Lived Together...
Employee: The first time it was with my friend-- no, wait, my ex-friend. Then the second time it was with my boyfriend. Then I went over to my other boyfriend's house...
Fast food joint
Durham, North Carolina
1PM I Mean, I Am Your... Line, Please?
Waiter: Señorita, would you like something to drink?
Guest: Si, a mojito, please.
Waiter: Muy bien. And señora -- if you need anything else, do not hesitate to ask me. I am your master. I mean, you are my master. No... Uh... I am here to serve you.
Hotel bar
San Jose
Costa Rica
Overheard by: Pura Vida
12PM In Fact, You Have to Be
Boss: You make too many mistakes! You're not very consistent at your work.
Cube dweller: Well, you can't be consistent all the time!
Liverpool
England
11AM When They Came for My Slim Vibe, I Bloody Well Spoke Up
Coworker #1: Did you read the e-mail from HR about the new Nazi-like, anti-fun internet policy? It says we're not supposed to MySpace or YouTube on company time. How boring!
Coworker #2: Whatever! At least I still have my Slim Vibe -- they can't take that from me!
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM I Still Have Half a Savior Left from Yesterday
Male peon #1: Does anybody want anything from the vending machine?
Female peon: Bring me back some Jesus!
Male peon #2: I'll just take a ginger ale.
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM I, Um, Think I'm Late for a Meeting
Trashy coworker: Don't ya hate when you're on the rag and your husband rolls over in the night with a boner, wantin' to poke ya?
Franklin Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Violet White
5PM Oh, I Try to Keep My Hand In
Photographer: Okay, I took pictures of the reigning Woody the Woodchuck and the two that are aiming to replace her when she retires. Can you tell the current one?
Designer, staring intently: This one?
Photographer: Wow, good job! You know your Woodys!
323 East Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beesley
4PM Without Laughing My Ass Off
Coworker angrily hanging up: Geez! What is wrong with these customers?! I'm trying to watch a colo-rectal comedy on UTUBE!
2600 Van Buren Street
Norman, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Nina
3PM Barry: Can I Get Up Now?
Admin assistant: Don't worry, I'm on top of Barry*.
Sales assistant: ... What was that?
Admin assistant: I'm on top of... Shut up!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Either That or He's Dutch
Cube dweller #1, complaining about printer repair guy: No one can understand what he's saying! He's completely tone deaf!
Cube dweller #2: Well, he's... deaf. He reads lips.
Cube dweller #1: Oh, yeah.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: this isn't american idol
1PM The Rangers Go Recruiting Again
Values trainer, on being equal opportunity employer: ... And, just so you know, the Midwest office gave an offer to a paraplegic last month. He's paralyzed from the neck down -- can't move anything below the neck. So there's a great example of the firm walking the talk.
55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
12PM That's Why It's a Little Lopsided in the Back
Receptionist: In my head I get banged all the time!
Côte-des-Neiges Road
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: better without context
11AM Somebody's Just Asking for a Circular Reference
Office peon #1: Gah, if I could just tell Excel what I want, it'd be so easy. 'Do this!' I'd say, and it would be like, 'Sure!' and life would be simpler.
Office peon #2: Or it wouldn't listen, and you'd put on some leather straps with nipple rings and it'd say, 'Hit me again. Let me see you get reeeal angry.'
University of Utah
Salt Lake City, Utah
10AM If They Happen to Get Motivated, That Can Be Their Christmas Bonus
Service manager: We are not here to motivate employees. We are here to make them do their jobs.
Mavis Road
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
9AM We Prefer "Like a Baby on a Cobra"
Guy on video conference: I'll be on it like a pit bull on a third grader.
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mickey the Intern
5PM Before I Order I Want You Both to Wash Your Hands, Okay?
Cube rat to another: ... Or you could try masturbating five times in one day!
Customer, entering moments before: [Clears her throat.]
Cube rats: ... Shit.
NW 39th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM (Whisper, Whisper) You Mean Those Yellow People Live Here Now?!
Peon, with Asian friend: Boss, I'd like to introduce you to my friend from Charlotte, Amy*. She's stayin' out here with me for a few days, then heading back home.
Boss: Nice to meet you! Where are you from?
Amy: Charlotte, North Carolina.
Boss: How long have you lived there?
Amy: I was born there -- 25 years now.
Boss: Wow! How do you like it?
Amy: Like what?
Boss: America!
Amy: I, uh... I like it?
Boss: Do you think you'll ever go back?
Amy: Yeah, I leave Sunday.
Boss: Wow! Well, I hope you enjoyed your American vacation!
Office party
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Jesse
3PM So at Least She's Being Safe
Colleague, about her cat: Ever since I got those balloons delivered to my house on my birthday, she's really been into rubber.
Yonge Street and St. Clair Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Can They Hear Us from Here?
Intercom: This is an announcement: check your phones to see if they have a dial tone. If they don't, call Administration and let them know.
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: jb
1PM You're Not Doing It Right, Then
Male peon to another: Now I have to go and wash my butt, and that's no fun!
1176 Crooks Road
Troy, Michigan
12PM Just Like Popular Music
Office girl #1: White chocolate is such a sham. They take out the best part.
Office girl #2: The brown?
Southlake, Texas
11AM Told You We Should've Asked for an Energizer Baby
Woman pushing baby carriage: Bob*, I think it's dead.
Bob: Nah, it just needs a charge.
530 West State Street
West Lafayette, Indiana
Overheard by: Schmeckendeugler
10AM You Know How Many Drinks $10,000 Will Buy?
Lady peon: My husband's doctor told him that his liver is so bad that he has to quit drinking, so I'm going to quit with him. [Later] I can't wait to have a couple beers tonight.
Confused coworker: I thought you said you were going to quit drinking with your husband!
Lady peon: Well, a few drinks won't hurt him.
Columbiana, Ohio
Overheard by: ChatsMcGee
9AM Explains How Full House Stayed on the Air for So Long
Coworker #1: Did you watch The Office last night?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I was pretty high, so I don't remember if the parts that I thought were funny actually happened.
3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Bunny
5PM They're Bringing the Hat with a Buckle Back
Old hag customer: Isn't that one of those pilgrims from just South of here? She's ugly as sin.
Bimbette clerk: Oh my god! There are still pilgrims alive? And they live there? That explains so much about the Indian reservation being just down the road.
562 East Main Street
Louisville, Mississippi
Overheard by: Doesn't Work There Anymore
4PM That's Where the Magnifyning Glasses Grow
Bimbette #1: We are so lucky we can't have forest fires here in Georgia.
Teacher: Forest fires can happen anywhere.
Bimbette #2: Nah, you gotta be closer to the equator than Georgia.
123 Broad Street
Dacula, Georgia
Overheard by: smokey the bear
3PM Plus, We'll Get Utilities and Free Parking
Waitress #1: I can't tuck this corner. I suck at folding napkins.
Waitress #2: We should just make a monopoly line with this.
Waitress #1: [Stares blankly.]
Waitress #2: You know, a monopoly line? I'll start it, you finish it. We'll get this done faster.
34 Cooper Square
New York, New York
2PM Okay, Gotta Go --They Just Dipped My Pigtail in an Inkwell
Lady peon to males making farting noises: Please! I am on the phone with my dad! [Into phone] No, they're your age!
Burbank, California
1PM Oh, How Does Anyone Get Anything?
Clinician: Can you call the ER to tell them that this patient cannot be moved due to an infection?
Admin assistant, looking at chart: How did he get it in his butt?!
Varnum Avenue
Lowell, Massachusetts
12PM His Business Model Is Predicated on People Being Stupid
Bimbette: Do you have any, like, advice for the test?
Tutor: Yeah -- if you get a fraction, then you probably got it wrong. Fractions are really bad. Like, if you get 81/3 or some other stupid number...
Bimbette: Right. Fractions are bad. Got it.
Girl passerby: You know that simplifies, right?
Tutor: You are such a nerd.
Middle school
Carmel Valley, California
11AM She's Like Nicole Richie in That Respect
Female TA: When I went upstairs I saw this cake being thrown across the room.
Male TA: A cake?
Female TA: Yeah, Sue* thought they were throwing it at her.
Male TA: If I had a cake, I'd probably throw it at Sue... But then, that's the kind of guy I am.
Female TA: No, it's the type of woman Sue is. It's impossible not to throw cake at her!
Bexhill College
England
Overheard by: I educate your kids...
10AM Its Melody Is Semisweet
Trainer: 'Charismatic.' That's onomatopoeic.
Employee: What?
Trainer: Onomatopoeic. Like, when I say 'chocolate,' you can hear it.
Fenkle Street
Newcastle
England
Overheard by: Kaethe
9AM I Shall Call Them "One" and "Two"
Cube dweller: I'm having two feelings in one day, which is unheard of.
1301 Central Street
Evanston, Illinois
Overheard by: cbn
5PM Dr. Strangelove Left Out That Part
Receptionist #1: Well, it's not like you need the money.
Receptionist #2: I could use it, though...
Receptionist #1: But it's, like, life-threatening surgery.
Receptionist #2: It's life-threatening? [Receptionist #1 answers phone.] It's life-threatening?!
Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: cubiclelove
4PM How to Come Out to Your Parents in One Easy Step
Little boy to mom: You know what I like to suck?
Clothing store, Polaris Mall
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Ohgodmustn'tsayanything
3PM But I'm in My Foxhole!
Engineer to another: Well, if you're out of ammunition, then you must be an atheist.
2400 Congress Street
Portland, Oregon
2PM I Told Them They Needed to Get at Least Four More or They'd Be Fired
Chick on cell: So, I'm clearing room in the back for more stock, and those fuckers have a case of beer back there...
Mall
Burnaby, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Christmas shopper wanted to know what store she works at...
1PM Has Also Locked Herself Inside It
Temp at day's end finding her car's been running since lunch: Oh, my! I must have forgotten again!
Sweeten Creek Road
Asheville, North Carolina
12PM ... The Filly's Skedaddled
Cube rat: Well, yeah, but by the time I get my chaps on... You know...
5700 Thurston Avenue
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: never wanna see that
11AM He Knows the Geography of the Starship Enterprise Perfectly
Tech support guy: So, your city is spelled C-A-M-B-R-I-D-G-E?
Office girl: Yes, that's correct.
Tech support guy: And your state is M-A, for Miami, right?
Office girl: Um, well, yes -- M-A is right...
1033 Mass Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
10AM Isn't That an Adam Sandler Movie?
Coworker #1, shadowboxing and humming: Dom, duh-duh, dom.
Coworker #2: Are you singing Eye of the Tiger?
Coworker #1: No, I am singing Rocky.
Coworker #2: But that is Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: Are you sure? I thought it was Rocky.
Coworker #2: No, it's Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: What movie was that?
Coworker #2: Are you a moron?
1160 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Get Sober, Write a Book, Yada Yada Yada
Office grunt: These days if you don't find your passion as a kid you'll end up a drug addict.
250 West 54th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: jillysays
5PM I'll Refer You to the Hackers' Bible...
IT guy: I don't know about your god, but my god says it's okay.
Stamford, Connecticut
4PM Worth a Lot of Money on the Right Japanese Website
Coworker #1, whose initials don't include 'P': Oh, that personalized stationery set is a really nice gift. I'd take it, except it's got 'P' on it.
Coworker #2: It's got pee on it?!
South Austin, Texas
Overheard by: uncle eddie
3PM Where the Money Was
Cube dweller on phone: Hi, boss, we just got robbed!
Manager: Oh my god! Where?
Parade
Suva
Fiji
Overheard by: Siti
2PM That Thing Filled Up Years Ago!
European boss: Okay, James* -- make reservations for us at the Mayflower.
American lab member #1: What? The Mayflower?
European boss: Yes, isn't that what we decided?
American lab member #1: You mean the Wildflower?
European boss: Yeah, the Mayflower.
American lab member #2: The Wildflower, not the Mayflower.
European boss: Right, right. Wait... What is the Mayflower? Oh, yeah, that boat.
Clinical Sciences research building
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM The Zen Oven Is Generally Low-Maintenance
Manager on phone with refrigeration company: That oven that never comes on but is always on? It didn't come on.
Answering service: Would you please repeat that?
Manager: You know, that oven that never comes on but is always on? Well, it didn't come on.
Answering service: Thank you, sir. I'll let the service rep know.
Restaurant, Slide Road and Loop 289
Lubbock, Texas
12PM We've Already Got the Pooper-Scoopers
Coworker #1: Actually, John* had this idea that all of us who have young kids should bring them into the office one day a week.
Coworker #2: Yeah, that's a good idea. I mean, we have dogs in the office, so I don't see why we can't have children, too!
Hospital
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM We Know a Lot of Places Where It Isn't, So We're Making Progress
Supervisor: Did you find that part?
Coworker: No.
Supervisor: Well, where is it?
Flagstaff, Arizona
Overheard by: Jimmy
10AM The Less I Know about Christmas, the Better
Blonde desk assistant: When is Christmas this year?
Editor: Tuesday, I think.
Blonde desk assistant: No, I mean what day? Like, the 25th?
Editor: Um... Yeah. The 25th.
Blonde desk assistant: But I thought that was Christmas Eve! When is Christmas Eve, then? [Editor stares.] Give me a break -- I'm a Jew.
TV station broadcast center
New York, New York
Overheard by: News Bunny
9AM So We'll Have Her Train You
Underling #1: Am I fired?
Boss: No, 'cause then we'd have to hire her, and she's only part time.
Underling #2: Me?
Underling #1: She wouldn't take the job.
Boss: Yes, because she's smarter than you.
334 East 14th Street
New York, New York
5PM I Mean, I Don't Think So...
Office grunt #1: Hey! So, you're back in the office, eh? Where were you last week?
Office grunt #2: Oh, I was in Guatemala.
Office grunt #1: Really? In Europe?
Office grunt #2: No.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Anonymous
4PM It Says, "If I See You I Will Kill You"
Admin: I am going to heaven!
Boss: What makes you think that?
Admin: I wrote my brother a letter.
Boss: How long has he been in jail?
Admin: Two years, and I have not spoken to him since my friend got killed.
Boss: Sooo, you think because you wrote him a letter you are going to heaven? Do you forgive him?
Admin: Hell no! If I see him, I will kill him. But I wrote him a letter!
Dallas, Texas
3PM The Odds Are Against It
Customer: Do you guys have any rooms available?
Front desk: No, sir. Unfortunately, we are completely sold out. If you like, I can give you the number of a few hotels in the area that have availability.
Customer, leaving and giving the finger: Does it look like I have a goddamn phone on me?
Front desk: I'd be more than happy to call them for you, sir.
Customer: Fuck you.
Front desk: Okay, sir. Have a wonderful night.
Elmira, New York
2PM Unless It's Bait, Sucker!
Student to another, after grabbing cookie from unattended table: What?! They left them out! That's like leaving food out and not expecting the rats to come!
University
Prince George, British Columbia
Canadia
1PM It Comes and Goes
Patient: I'm worried about this birthmark.
Doctor: Birthmark, you say? How long have you had it?
Portland, Oregon
12PM Honestly, Such a Fuss about Comma Faults
Editor to another: You're killing me. Why don't you just cover yourself with tapioca and let the birds eat you?
Beaumont, Texas
11AM I Bet I Can Locate the Dimmest One in the Store
Customer: Could you tell me where the Amaryllis bulbs are?
Clerk #1: Hey, do you know where we keep the bulbs?
Clerk #2: I think they're on Aisle Four -- y'know, with the other electrical stuff.
Clerk #1, to customer: Did you check there? That's where we keep the bulbs.
Customer: No, no, no -- they're flowers! Do you have any?
Clerk #1: Well, I'm pretty sure we've got bulbs. Did you need a three-way one, or a regular one? You should check on Aisle Four, then.
1690 Grande Avenue
Arroyo Grande, California
Overheard by: Blue
10AM Impossible? Cockatoos Taught Mary Hart to Talk
Woman on phone: Raised by dogs?! That's impossible! Isn't it? ... Wait, was it Entertainment Tonight? ... That's impossible!
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Goueznou
9AM Those're the Odds When Your Best Customer's Layla
Employee #1, getting up: Stupid customers...
Employee #2: Yeah, they always come when you're on your knees.
Fast food place
Carlingford
Australia
5PM I Will Cease Moving My Mouth and Release This Button Now
Employee over intercom: Stan*, please come to the office for food consumption.
Drug store
Wood River, Illinois
4PM And Apparently Neither Do You
Teacher: That's an interesting tattoo, Jacob*!
Student #1: Thanks.
Teacher: Are you like the tattooed man from The Great Gatsby?
Student #2, after long pause: Yo, we don't read!
High school
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
3PM They're Not the Brightest Neon Lights in the Casino
Cocktail waitress #1: What's a late-term abortion?
Cocktail waitress #2: I'm not sure, but I think it's when you have an abortion when the baby's being born.
Cocktail waitress #1: Ew! They can do that?! [A few minutes later] Where is Washington state?
Cocktail waitress #2: I think it's near Seattle...
Cocktail waitress #1: You think they meant to say 'Washington, DC'?
Cocktail waitress #2: I don't know, but that's pretty dumb of them if they did mean DC. People can get confused, you know?
Hotel and casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: HannA
2PM I'm Just Here for the Drinking
Student: Can I get a list of people who write theses?
Receptionist: You mean, the list of typists?
Student: No, I want the list of people who'll write my thesis for me.
California
1PM But He Is Dating Both Allen and Julia
Boss: I don't know why he's so moody.
Employee: I know! I think he's bipolar.
Boss: No, I don't think he even likes the cold.
Imperial, Pennsylvania
12PM I Don't Have a Copy of His Résumé, Either
Applicant: I don't have a copy of my résumé. A dog threw up on my laptop.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: alxie
11AM Gotta Unpack the Suitcase or Your Clothes Get Musty
Hot intern #1: You know why I love wearing miniskirts on Mondays?
Hot intern #2: Maybe. Why?
Hot intern #1: Because I can air things out after a weekend of hard work.
Hot intern #2: Oh, hey, I wonder if that would work for me...
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: not getting any
10AM It Only Solves the Back End of the Problem
Engineer #1: Why on Earth do we have to use this?
IT worker: We're committed to using our own solution.
Engineer #1: Yeah, I understand the dog food rationale.
Engineer #2: The problem is that it's not dog food. It's kitty litter.
401 Elliott Avenue West
Seattle, Washington
9AM The Way Hamsters Eat While They Nap
Woman #1: Oh my god! My husband sent me three dozen roses for no reason!
Woman #2: Wow, someone really wants a blowjob.
Boss: Hey, you can't say 'blowjob'! We have young interns working here!
Woman #2: Are you serious? Those intern sluts give blowjobs in their sleep.
New Jersey
5PM Britney Mix-a-Lot Needed a Lot of Therapy
Coworker: My daughter tried on a pair of pants this weekend. She asked me if her butt looked too big, because if it didn't, she needed a smaller size.
56 Haddon Avenue
Haddonfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jane
4PM Why Marijuana Home-Delivery Services So Often Fail
CSR: So, what city in Philadelphia are we doing the pickup?
Everett, Massachusetts
Overheard by: OK, I feel smarter now.
3PM So Anyway, Mom Had a Stroke
Fat black girl: My mom -- she's bein' so damn nosy. Yesterday she says, 'V, tell me something I don't know about you!'
Fat white girl: So, what'd you say?
Fat black girl: I said, 'I like it in the ass! That shit is wonderful.'
Fat white girl: Hahaha, oh my god. Wait, how is that her being nosy?
Fat black girl: Well, it's what she get. She didn't know it; now she does. Serve her right for askin'.
Clothing store, 4500 North Oracle Road
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: i just wanted to shop
2PM Linnaeus Is Rolling Over in His Grave
Working girl #1: So, I've decided I'm going to get a tattoo of dolphins around my belly button.
Working girl #2: But if you get pregnant, won't they look like... whales?
Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
1PM ... When We Started Getting Letter Grades
Consultant: I was a straight-A student until fourth grade.
Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Adam
12PM ... Delicious, but Deadly
Cube dweller: Zebrafish! Liquid nitrogen!
Business affairs office
Oregon
Overheard by: research sounds like fun
11AM More of a Pamphlet, Really
Tester: I'm reading this book that will teach you all the Italian you'll ever need to visit Canada!
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
10AM Make Sure They Put It in a Box
Pizza worker: Hello, XYZ Pizza* -- will this be for pick up or delivery?
Customer: Delivery, but we will come in to pay for it.
Pizza worker: Pardon me? Do you want your order delivered or will you pick it up?
Customer, to someone in background: Do you want to just pick the food up if we are going in there anyways? [Into phone] I guess we will pick the food up.
Lackawanna, New York
9AM You Know the Feeling When You Lean Back Too Far in Your Chair?
Boss: I'm trying to figure out how to explain this in terms that you can understand.
Jane*: I think I get what you're trying to say.
Male peon #1: I think I also understand what you're trying to say.
Male peon #2: Me, too.
Boss: Let me put it this way: let's all imagine that Jane is at the OB/GYN...
Response Road
Sacramento, California
5PM Why Larry Got the Shaft
Branch manager looking for small, hand-held calculator: I need one of those hand jobs in the lobby.
808 South Main Street
Elkton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
4PM Someone Typing with One Hand
Marketing guy: Who printed all of these David Hasselhoff pictures?
29663 Arnold Drive
Sonoma, California
3PM I Wanted to Talk to the Organized Crime Strike Force First
Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to call 4-1-1 for that number.
Customer: Who should I ask for?
Receptionist: What company are you looking for?
Customer: National Association of Pizza Deliverers*.
Receptionist: Um, then that's who you should ask for.
Washington, DC
2PM What about Hawaii?
Teacher-in-training #1: Did you know Alaska isn't an island?
Teacher-in-training #2: Um... Yes...
Teacher-in-training #1: Oh. 'Cause I just found out yesterday.
Lansing, Michigan
1PM Enough to Make a Raft and Sail to New Zealand
Worker bee: I've got a carton of condoms. Do you think that will be enough?
Perth
Australia
Overheard by: Rachelle
12PM Or Until the Ninth Month, in My Case
Preggers peon: You know, people only think you're pregnant for nine months, but it's really ten because you don't know you're pregnant for the first month.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Mic all
11AM And We've Already Been Picked Up by Spike TV
Office grunt: ... So then I said, 'Bill*, just throw a bunch of monkeys in a container and have them eat all the bananas.'
1111 Broadway
Oakland, California
10AM Get Me Two Pirates!
CSR: I need, like, four more arms and three more eyeballs. That way I could do more than one thing at a time.
Tempe, Arizona
9AM Actually, the Chain One Is More Properly Called a Flail
Judge: I'm not here wielding a mace. You know what a mace is, right?
Attorney #1: That's the spiked ball at the end of a chain, right?
Attorney #2: In medieval times it was at the end of a stick.
Attorney #1: Well, popes and kings had one at the end of a stick.
Judge: As a symbol of royal or divine authority.
Attorney #2: But it was also a weapon at the end of a chain.
Judge: So, the mace served as both a symbol and a weapon.
Ghetto teen on trial: Cops sprayed dat in my cousin's face.
District Court
Ronkonkoma, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
5PM You Mean the Planter?
Blonde salesgirl on phone with IT: My computer is not working.
IT guy: Did you plug everything in right?
Blonde salesgirl: Yes! Of course! The light is on, but nothing's happening. [IT guy goes to her office, bends over, presses power button and walks out.] But the light was on!
IT guy: That's your screen. The computer is the big box on the floor.
Office, Meilleur Street
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: ID-10-T
4PM The Sacrifice of the Mascot
Office grunt #1: Isn't there some word for that sort of recursive image? Like the pig who's about to eat a piece of bacon, or the chicken with a bucket of KFC under her arm?
Office grunt #2: Yeah, and what about Kool-Aid Man traipsing around with a jug of Kool-Aid?
Office grunt #1: Oh, yeah!
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
3PM Exactly Why I Asked
Passenger: What time does the five o'clock bus leave?
Bus driver, sarcastically: I don't know.
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Another bus driver
2PM You Harvard Grads Always Ask the Important Questions
Office peon: How many wheels does an 18-wheeler have?
Boss: Let me see your résumé again.
1212 Klockner Road
Gordonsville, Virginia
Overheard by: the office linebacker
1PM Yeah, We Can Feel the Breeze
Nurse: I have unusually large labia.
Other nurses: Ummm...
Hospital
New Hampshire
Overheard by: I Don't
12PM More Than You Get Most Days
Receptionist #1: What's the forecast for next Sunday?
Receptionist #2: Sixty-nine and sunny.
Receptionist #1: Sixty-nine? That's all I get for my birthday?
221 Longwood Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Don't Forget Your Pooping Aspirations
Employee #1: There was a mouse in the hall. Did you kill it?
Employee #2: No, it's just an animal. All it wants to do is find food and propagate the species.
Employee #3: Kind of like me.
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Loki
10AM And How Much for Illumination?
Sales guy on phone with admin: Is the printer still down? Mm-hmmm. Well, if I needed something printed today, could you, like, hand-print it or something? Mm-hmmm. I see. Okay, thanks.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Myra Makes a Counterintelligence Breakthrough
Girl on cell: Don't worry, I Photoshopped my moles off, so the boobs are unidentifiable.
Main Street
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
5PM I Get the Deduction -- That's What Counts
Cashier to customer #1: Awww, how cute! Is he your son?
Customer #2: No, he's my son.
Cashier, pointing to customer #1: Are you sure? He looks like his son!
Government building
Washington, DC
4PM An International Passport Breakfast, Please
Waitress: How are you doing today, sir?
Man: I'm on work release.
Waitress, suddenly nervous: Oh... okay. I'll be right back.
Pancake house
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: Rachel
3PM I'd Like to Pay for It with Monopoly Money
Customer: Do you have The Odyssey in the original Latin?
Haste Street and Telegraph Avenue
Berkeley, California
2PM That's Not What They're Telling Us at Home
Lieutenant: I'm so cooold!
Major: There's a black fleece over there.
Lieutenant: I prefer to tough it out.
Major: Relax! It's not war.
Camp Arifjan
Kuwait
1PM Hey, One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Treasure
Coworker #1: Do you want to see my diamond?
Coworker #2: That's not a diamond -- that's your camel toe!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: i got a million of them....
12PM I Just Put It in Reverse, Right?
Secretary #1: Has anyone used the shredder this morning?
Secretary #2: No, why?
Secretary #1: I need to get something back that I put in there this morning.
278 Morgan Street
Tonawanda, New York
11AM This Is Exactly How Patrick Stewart Got Started, I Swear
Producer on phone with actor she wants to put in taco suit: We're a little ways from Shakespeare in the Park, I know...
110 Leroy Street
New York, New York
10AM The Drugs Help
Receptionist: I'm sorry ma'am, but that offer expired over a month ago -- we can't honor it.
Biotech: Oh, I'm sorry, but when you've got a real job, it's hard to get out sometimes.
Receptionist: Hmmm... Well, when you work two jobs and go to college full-time, sometimes it's hard to put up with idiots.
Rivertown Parkway
Grandville, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
9AM Give Him the Cup When He Hands in His Copy
Department head to HR manager: I don't fucking care who caught Drew* doing who or what in the bathroom! You do not drug test editors two weeks before the deadline!
McKemey Road
Chandler, Arizona
5PM Yeah, but My Head's Not Full Yet
Office girl #1: I want to start reading more books.
Office girl #2: Didn't you just read yesterday?
11940 Jollyville Road
Austin, Texas
4PM And Its Regrettable Attendant Closeness
Graphics supervisor: They talked about touching.
7th and Flower Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Spongegirl
3PM Everyone Else Was Afraid of Heights
Proud boss, hands on hips: I got a call from my wife today. I'm going to be Jesus Christ tomorrow in my church play!
Nashua, New Hampshire
Overheard by: freakazoid
2PM I Myself Am a Pepperoni-American
Professor: America is a melting pot.
Dude: America is not a melting pot... It's more of a Lunchable. We are all in the same place, but we keep to our own little compartments.
1906 College Heights Boulevard
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Overheard by: hyacinth_hunter
1PM What Are You Getting At?
Nurse: How much do you weigh these days?
Patient: A hundred twenty-one pounds.
Nurse: And the scale you are using is accurate?
Doctor's office
Connecticut
12PM Where Peek Freans Come From
Cube monkey: My brain is unlike that of any mortal! It consists of witchcraft, spells, and ideas for pastries that the world has yet to see!
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
11AM Built-in Redundancies
Professor: I remember that wonderful object my mother used to stick in me. [Class is silent for a moment, then hysterical.] The thermometer! One up top and one in [motions to his ass]!
Aurora, Illinois
10AM Okay Fine, It Was Paperwork, Okay?
Delivery guy: When I got out of the Air Force I thought I was done with paperwork, but it looks like I'm destined to do paperwork.
Receptionist, uninterested: Oh, really?
Delivery guy: Yeah, but most of my time in the Air Force I can't talk about.
Receptionist: Uh-huh.
Delivery guy: It's top secret stuff.
Receptionist: Oh, okay.
Delivery guy: Can't talk about it.
Receptionist: So don't.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Waby
9AM Like My Wedding
IT guy: Someone better jump out of a cake later and scream, 'Gender surprise'!
Silverlake, California
5PM Plus, It's Harder to Steal Stuff and Get Away with It
Database admin #1: Well, this is a good place to work. You can really learn a lot here...
Database admin #2: Unlike a shop where everything's automated and running smoothly -- a place like that, something goes down, you just execute a stored procedure and you don't have to know what it does.
Database admin #1: Yeah, you don't want to work in a place where everything's well-managed and actually works.
Database admin #2: Yeah! You won't learn anything that way!
80 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: The Nerd Whisperer
4PM Just Demonstrate While I Take Photos
Woman holding inhaler: So I just cock it and suck on it?
Nurse: You might not want to put it just that way.
2955 Farnam Street
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM Except the Lasagna, Which Gives Her Gas
Office grunt: Yeah, my daughter loves it over there in Japan. She just loves eating the Chinese food.
Main Street
Munhall, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: wait your intern
2PM My Way of Getting to Third Base
Coworker #1: Snogging is heavily kissing... Not getting to third base.
Coworker #2: Oh. I thought snogging was a kind of drink.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Annabelle
1PM She Just Can't Drive for the Hoop Now That She's Pregnant
Sensitive soul: She's gotten heavier, so now I can beat her.
Central Street
Evanston, Illinois
12PM It's a Hot-Button Issue for Elephant-Americans
Cube dweller #1: You like chunky peanut butter, don't you?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, I do.
Cube dweller #1: Pervert.
135 East 57th Street
New York, New York
11AM I Study Marital and Martial Arts
Receptionist: If he does that shit again I'm going to tie his ass hairs together and kick him in the shin.
Addison, Texas
Overheard by: buenisima
10AM There's a Very Long List of Things You Can't Imagine
Girl in breakroom avoiding meeting: Ugh! I can't imagine anything worse than doing conference calls all day.
Girl reading Maus, Part II: [Stares.]
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: I love Frenchie
9AM Do You Really Want to Go There, Madame Days-of-the-Week?
Female manager to frustrated sales rep: Just put your big girl panties on and deal with it!
Business owner, over her shoulder: Oh, oh! Stern words from Miss Kello-Kitty-pants!
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM I Hear Anthrax Gets You High before It Kills You
Mail pusher #1: What do you think is in this little box?
Mail pusher #2: I don't know... Maybe envelopes?
Mail pusher #3: Or maybe it's uncooked crack!
9201 University City Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Datgurl49
4PM How Do You Feel about a Bandolier Cummerbund?
Office grunt: Now, you know they make them tuxedos with the camouflage vests... Them thangs is sharp!
Anniston, Alabama
3PM Because I Have Other Things That Need Doing
Worker bee quoting a customer: I have a file that's labeled 'Read only.' Does that mean I can only read the file?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: quiet1
2PM Honey, I'll Be Late Tonight -- Marketing the Firm Again
Owner: What kinds of social situations can you use to help market our firm?
Peon #1: I meet lots of guys at the bars and give them my cards -- especially those in the construction fields.
Peon #2, as others laugh: He didn't ask how you picked up men.
Peon #3: Is that why we never get any new projects?
Lincolnshire, Illinois
Overheard by: glad it wasn't me
1PM First, They Walk into a Bar
Suit: So, your friend is Puerto Rican and he's donating a kidney to a Jew? How can they do that?
California Street
San Francisco, California
12PM Why Do You Need To Know?
Sales guy: You know how people talk about the world-wide web? The Internet? How would you spell that? W-E-B?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Poor Little Tommy Was Spontaneously Digested on Stage
Worker bee: Well, there were enzymes in the ham costume...
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: busy like a bee
10AM The Only Way He Can Be Watched
Busser: I'm working for Bob* tonight.
Manager #1: You smell like pot, man. You're not working.
Manager #2: It's three in the afternoon. What time did you get high?
Busser: When's Maury on?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM 8 Heads in a Duffel Baguette
Peon #1, talking about proposed ad: Show the guys driving home too quickly and then getting decapitated because they're driving their car too fast. That's entertainment.
Peon #2: That's not good. I'm thinking that's not selling sandwiches.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: one smelly idiot
5PM Now, Does Jesus Say That Every Time We Have Communion?
Crazy ER patient: I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord!
Monotone nurse #1, taking vitals: Blood pressure, 150 over 80... Pulse, 110.
Nurse #2: Yes, yes, but does he believe in the Lord?
Monotone nurse #1: Haha. Hold him. [Jabs crazy patient with a needle.]
Crazy ER patient: I believe in-- Aaauuugh! You bitch!
Nurse #2: What about the Lord?
Crazy ER patient: Auuugh! Stop taking my blood, you bitch!
Colorado
Overheard by: TK
4PM So "Demented Old Crab" Is Your Diagnosis?
Social worker on phone: No! Stay away from that negative force. She is a demented old crab! Okay, I love you, too. Drive safe. And remember -- no crabs. And pick up some Vonnegut now that he's dead.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
3PM "You Are Beautiful in a Way That's Unfamiliar to Me" Would Be Okay
Financial analyst: Guys will say, 'Oh, Asian women are so exotic,' like we're a commodity. I'm not a rug!
Wall Street
New York, New York
2PM As Long As He Stays Dead and All
Guy: I always say, "To each his own."
Girl: But what about Hitler? Would you say that about Hitler?
Guy: Well, if Hitler's happy doing what he's doing...
2375 Main Mall, University of British Columbia
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
1PM I'll Just Put on My Earflap Hat
Worker bee: Will this be in Canadian or English?
100 Centre Drive
Austin, Texas
12PM She's Been Practicing in Front of the Mirror
Sales guy: What are you two up to?
Systems admin: Nothing. We're being facetious.
Sales chick: Wow, that's a big word for Erin*. I'm not sure she used it correctly, though.
Sales guy: We'll give her an A for effort, though.
Systems admin, skipping: I said 'facetious,' I said 'facetious'!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM The Papers Are Still on Us about the Picnic
Boss: I don't want it turning into a mega gangbang.
226 Penarth Road
Cardiff
UK
10AM What God Said, after Creating the Earth
Priest: ... And, as always, during the collection-- Is there anyone to do the collection? Lock the doors -- nobody gets out.
2026 Guadalupe Street
Austin, Texas
9AM Health Care! Get Over Here!
Black server: I named my baby Cartier.
Timid white server: Oh, yeah?
Black server: My sister named her little girl Lexus Tiara.
Timid white server: Oh, yeah?
Ghetto white server: They always name they babies after shit they can't afford!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Collect Them All! Trade with Your Friends!
Lady peon #1: I just got out of de-tox ...
Lady peon #2: Oh, yeah? Which one this time?
500 West Cummings Park
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Chuck
4PM Drool on My Salad and Die
Trendy vegan worker: What's that smell? Is someone cooking bacon?
Coworker: There's some in my salad.
Trendy vegan worker: That's so odd. I never even liked bacon, but it smells so good! It's making me horny!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
3PM Thanks to Compressed-World Technology
Receptionist #1: I can't believe I'll be in England next week. I think we might drive to Australia, too -- they have better beaches.
Receptionist #2: Is that far?
Receptionist #1: No, I think it's a two-hour drive from here.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Not Even Kidding
2PM And All of My Hose Jokes Were Already Exhausted
Older lady on phone: I don't have any gorillas today! (Pause) No, I'm sorry. I was just trying to be funny.
Hose parts corporate office
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Hiding in my cube
1PM Which We Do, Since We Voted for Bush in 2004
Partner to associates at attorney meeting: Billable hours are down for the year. Based on what we've billed so far, we have approximately four attorneys too many... assuming people are fungible.
Indianapolis, Indiana
12PM Abe: Nah, That's a Poser Shirt
Cube rat #1, wearing white dress shirt: Too bad Abe's* out today. He'd compliment me on my gangsta shirt.
Cube rat #2: What's so gangsta about it?
Cube rat #1: I just know Abe. He'd say, 'That's a gangsta shirt!' Too bad I wore it and he isn't here to see.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Diablo
11AM I've Always Wanted to Try the Meat Outside the Bread
Manager: Ben*, do you want a badly made sandwich?
Employee: How badly made?
Manager: Badly.
Employee: Yeah!
Hemel Hempstead
UK
Overheard by: I'm fine thanks
10AM He's Practicing His Lines for His Book Club Discussion
Man in armchair, to no one: You're always fuckin' starting with me. Every morning! [Long pause] And then you start in on the gay thing. I'm not talking to you! You started it, and then you tell me to shut up. You shut up! Always, you start it then tell me to shut up. [Long pause] And you try to tell me I'm sick... Read a goddamn newspaper! There's child porn, and Anna Nicole Smith is dead and they're fighting over her baby, and you tell me I'm sick?!
Book store
Greece, New York
Overheard by: confused reader
9AM Could I Have Some Privacy?
Boss eating old almonds: Oh... God... I feel like I'm eating from a squirrel's ass.
Goderich
Ontario
Canadia
5PM Why Barry Got the Freudian Pink-Slip
Peon: Uh, Jim*, do you have anywhere I can put a floppy dick? ... Uh... Disk?
Jim: Niiice.
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: defragment my hard-drive
4PM If You're Going to Disrespect Authority, Don't Leave Witnesses
Assistant: I don't know if you want to give him a call or not.
Boss #1: What happened?
Assistant: He mouthed off to a cop.
Boss #1: Sounds like Eric*.
Boss #2: Eric didn't mouth off to a cop.
Boss #1: I thought he did.
Boss #2: No, he ran over a cop. There's a big difference between running a cop over and mouthing off to one.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: can't make it up
3PM Thank You, Mr. Snitcherson -- I'll Take It from Here
Male student entering Principal's office: Someone's been gluing pennies to the urinal again!
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: The Know It All
2PM Kirstie Alley? Definitely Drunk Right Now
Lady #1: ... But he's drunk all the time.
Lady #2: Everyone's drunk all the time. I might be drunk right now!
8140 Lehigh Avenue
Morton Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: Amanda
1PM Precious Little of That at My House
Female coworker: So, did you get laid last night?
Male coworker: No, the cleaning crew came in before we could.
Female coworker: Pity. I came in this morning sniffing around for the smell of pussy and latex.
Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: the sugar monster
12PM For Some Reason, I Picture Debra Winger in This Role
Coworker: I'm lucky I wasn't raised by my mother. I'd have turned out a total slut. She'd wear high heels to her job at the sawmill.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Innocent Bystander
11AM But Everybody Calls Him Davy
Coworker: Does any other Daves work here?
Dave: No. Except for Dave.
Book store
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: We also have three Ashleys, three Michaels and two Clints!
10AM I've Seen a Grown Man Unravel Like a Sweater
Male suit: You and your va-jay-jay...
Lady suit: Yeah, so? Guys are obsessed with their dicks. -- I'm just protective of my va-jay-jay.
Male suit: That's 'cause it's just out there hanging around -- anything could just snag it! At least yours is tucked away.
Lady suit: Anything could snag it? Oh my god. Like a hang nail?!
Male suit: Yes.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Which Have Their Own Fan Base
Sales girl: Gérard Depardieu has weird balls.
Abbot Kinney
Venice, New York
5PM The Church Watches Priests Closely These Days
Serious suit on cell: If he does that then he's going to have to give up the hookers and drugs, and I am not kidding.
San Jacinto Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Going Into Politics?
4PM We Look Forward to Serving You, Governor Schwarzenegger
Hotel guest: I started taking that Trimspa about a month ago. I haven't lost any weight, but my chest is huge!
State and Division Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sara G
3PM Only Slightly Worse Than Creamed Chipped Beef
Worker bee #1: My love doesn't spread well.
Worker bee #2: Really?
Worker bee #1: Yeah, I tried it on toast once.
5100 South Mopac Expressway
Austin, Texas
2PM Ask Your Friends Who Watch Grey's Anatomy
Woman on cell: Remember when she saw those two dead bodies? No, Denny is the tall one.
Merced Mall
Merced, California
Overheard by: I work there
1PM And Don't Even Get Me Started on Latex Blends
CSR: Don't you slide out of leather easier than cloth?
Hammarlund Way
Middletown, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Weasal whisperer
12PM When You Get Vestibular Guacamole, Don't Come Crying to Me
Girl on phone: It's like, 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse,' but in your case, 'A burrito, a burrito, the health of my inner ear for a burrito.' It's truly sad.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Have Your Card, Mistress Chaos
Office chick: I'm the coordinator for that program, so just holler if you get all tied up and need me to solicit someone for you.
14750 Miller Avenue
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Don't pick me
10AM ... And Called Out of Work Lucid
Cashier to friend: One morning I woke up sober...
Clothing store
Houston Street
New York, New York
9AM Your Love Is Only a Tragic Illusion. Questions?
CSR: Good morning. ABC Bank* -- how can I help you?
Customer: I'd like to talk to the person who answers the phones after hours -- y'know, the 24-hour line?
CSR: The 24-hour line is automated, but I can put you through to--
Customer: --No, no, no. I want to talk to the lady who answers the phone when you're closed.
CSR: Oh, see, that's not an employee. It's a recording.
Customer: What? No. See, I spoke to her three times last night and she knows my situation, so I need her. Is she there during the day?
CSR: ... Sir, it's not a real person. It's a recording [hangs up].
Decatur, Tennessee
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