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July 2007 Archives
5PM Although Osteoporosis Is a Close Second
Coworker #1: I wonder who'll get the Pfizer account...
Coworker #2: I hope I do! I love reading about erections!
Fort Point
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM I Was Shocked, but Not Surprised
Admin #1: Oooh, there's cheesecake in the fridge!
Admin #2: I don't really like cheesecake.
Admin #1: There's pecan pie, too.
Admin #2: I only like pecan pie if I make it.
Admin #1: What?!
Admin #2: I said, I only like pecan pie if I make it.
Admin #1: Oh! I thought you said 'if I'm naked'!
619 Dolley Madison Road
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Not the receptionist
3PM It's a Free-Range Office
Client: Is it North or South of Route 24?
Manager: Well, that depends on where you're coming from.
Client: Oh, really? How does that work?
Huntington, New York
2PM He Sent Pictures, See?
Assistant checking weather online: Ohhh! Derek* got 12 inches yesterday!
Cube rat: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Assistant: He got 12 inches!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM I'm Way Better at It Than Jack Is
Coworker: Don't close my door. Jack* and I like to communicate.
Jack: What'd you say?
Williamsburg, Virginia
12PM Unlike These Ammunition Rounds, Which Are Totally Still Live
X-ray machine attendant, picking stuffed panda up off belt: This one's dead... He didn't make it through the machine.
Airport
Los Angeles, California
11AM But That's Not Important Right Now
Male peon: Oh, I love this song!
Lady peon: Really, what is it?
Male peon: Uh... Music...
178 Middle Street
Portland, Oregon
10AM You Don't Start Out Hating Them
Angry girl coworker: Goddammit! I fucking hate people!
Friend: But you work in HR...
501 Front Street
Norfolk, Virginia
9AM In Fairness, the Hanger Had One of Those Foam Covers
Social worker: Honestly, what parent in their right mind hands a toddler who is just learning to walk a wire hanger as a chew toy in goodwill and thinks it's a good idea?
Medical Center
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: makin a difference
5PM Avast, Ye Lubber!
Lieutenant: You work for a law enforcement agency, not a pirate ship!
Employee with sideburns: Sir?
Columbus Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM I Thought I Told You Never to Call Here Again
Caller: That's 'A' as in 'elbow'...
400 Main Street
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Bewildered
3PM The Art of the Blue Job
Painting professor: I paint for people who look at art. Like, my mom will look at this and go, 'Oh, I like the blue.' And I don't have to explain to my mother that this is actually about some weird sex thing I did.
Providence, Rhode Island
2PM You Know It Doesn't Involve Real Fire, Right?
Branch manager: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to fire him? I'll fire anyone -- I don't care!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM When Good Deeds Become Career-Limiting
HR clerk: Excuse me, ma'am, but it appears that you have something stuck in your pantyhose on your left leg.
Visiting manager's wife: I'm not wearing pantyhose!
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM You're Not at High Times Anymore, Toto
Managing editor, on drug screening: We even test the interns. I was shocked by that. I thought everyone just assumed they were stoned all the time.
Newspaper office
Ohio
Overheard by: I didn't get the job
11AM And Fourth, If You Ever Incorrectly Cite That Movie Again, You're Fired
Guy in jeans and flip flops walks into office at 11 a.m. and high-fives two employees on the way.
Newbie in suit: Dude, he's totally pulling an Office Space. We better watch him -- he might set the building on fire. Or start gutting fish at his desk.
Cube dweller: Okay, first of all, that was Milton who set the building on fire, not Peter Gibbons. Second, it's Casual Friday, which is probably why he's dressed like that. And third, he doesn't work here.
Insurance office
Long Island, New York
10AM But at Least You've Stopped Throwing Your Cat Up into Trees
Scientist at desk to tech in lab: Just because you want to see hot firemen doesn't mean you have to set off the alarm!
20925 Crossroads Circle
Waukesha, Wisconsin
9AM I'm a Harvard MBA, for Christ's Sake
General manager: I've got a small favor to ask you...
Sales guy: I am not getting in a chicken suit and dancing on the roof again!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Stayin' until 5...
5PM Another Conquest for Gerald
Cute intern reading UPS package label: Hey, Gerald*, you got a big package!
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: fatty
4PM Or Just Kick Him Like Usual?
Phone rep: Yes, Jerry* is here. Would you like me to punch him?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah R
3PM No More Sleeping Under Bridges with Teenagers?
Employee: Everything about my life sucks right now! I need to go home, and I need to have a shower, and I need to get laid by someone who knows what he's doing for once, and then I need to go to bed.
Sackville
New Brunswick
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
2PM But Ranting Is My Chosen Artform!
Disgruntled woman: Did you get my e-mail?
Boss: Yes, but you're so consistently negative I didn't bother to read it. Plus, your e-mails are always too long.
Disgruntled woman: What?
Boss: From now on, you're limited to two paragraphs-- No! Two sentences. And try to be positive for a change.
Chantilly, Virginia
1PM And Still Had Time to Paint My Apartment
Manager: So, how was your weekend?
Intern: Good. I cheated on my boyfriend with two guys.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: The Temp
12PM Been Feeling a Bit Queer All Day
English coworker: I'm just going outside to suck on a fag.
Irvine, California
Overheard by: James
11AM Listen, Lucy, with Your Body Fat, It Was Totally Improper
HR peon in charge of sexual harassment issues: Lucy*, it's so good to see you! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!
Lucy: I just want everyone within earshot to know that she's talking about seeing me at the gym, and not in any improper activity!
4850 Mark Center Drive
Alexandria, Virginia
10AM The Weighing of the Liver Was My Favorite Part!
Coworker to intern: So, how was the autopsy? Did you have a good time?
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
9AM The Texas Supreme Court Docket Has It All!
Office peon on phone: It's got everything -- sex toys, dumb people, oil companies...
Washington, DC
Overheard by: um, yeah
5PM What Gall He Has
Office manager in transplant center, slamming down phone: How dare he call me about heart when I have liver all over my desk?!
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
4PM At Least, We Think It Will Be Them
Boss on phone to wife: Yes, they'll be in this evening. Well, afternoon-ish... Probably in the morning.
Cardiff
Wales
3PM Not the Worst Wedding Toast Ever...
Boss: It's been a great week, except for the rash.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Actually, They All Lived Together...
Employee: The first time it was with my friend-- no, wait, my ex-friend. Then the second time it was with my boyfriend. Then I went over to my other boyfriend's house...
Fast food joint
Durham, North Carolina
1PM I Mean, I Am Your... Line, Please?
Waiter: Señorita, would you like something to drink?
Guest: Si, a mojito, please.
Waiter: Muy bien. And señora -- if you need anything else, do not hesitate to ask me. I am your master. I mean, you are my master. No... Uh... I am here to serve you.
Hotel bar
San Jose
Costa Rica
Overheard by: Pura Vida
12PM In Fact, You Have to Be
Boss: You make too many mistakes! You're not very consistent at your work.
Cube dweller: Well, you can't be consistent all the time!
Liverpool
England
11AM When They Came for My Slim Vibe, I Bloody Well Spoke Up
Coworker #1: Did you read the e-mail from HR about the new Nazi-like, anti-fun internet policy? It says we're not supposed to MySpace or YouTube on company time. How boring!
Coworker #2: Whatever! At least I still have my Slim Vibe -- they can't take that from me!
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM I Still Have Half a Savior Left from Yesterday
Male peon #1: Does anybody want anything from the vending machine?
Female peon: Bring me back some Jesus!
Male peon #2: I'll just take a ginger ale.
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM I, Um, Think I'm Late for a Meeting
Trashy coworker: Don't ya hate when you're on the rag and your husband rolls over in the night with a boner, wantin' to poke ya?
Franklin Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Violet White
5PM Oh, I Try to Keep My Hand In
Photographer: Okay, I took pictures of the reigning Woody the Woodchuck and the two that are aiming to replace her when she retires. Can you tell the current one?
Designer, staring intently: This one?
Photographer: Wow, good job! You know your Woodys!
323 East Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beesley
4PM Without Laughing My Ass Off
Coworker angrily hanging up: Geez! What is wrong with these customers?! I'm trying to watch a colo-rectal comedy on UTUBE!
2600 Van Buren Street
Norman, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Nina
3PM Barry: Can I Get Up Now?
Admin assistant: Don't worry, I'm on top of Barry*.
Sales assistant: ... What was that?
Admin assistant: I'm on top of... Shut up!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Either That or He's Dutch
Cube dweller #1, complaining about printer repair guy: No one can understand what he's saying! He's completely tone deaf!
Cube dweller #2: Well, he's... deaf. He reads lips.
Cube dweller #1: Oh, yeah.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: this isn't american idol
1PM The Rangers Go Recruiting Again
Values trainer, on being equal opportunity employer: ... And, just so you know, the Midwest office gave an offer to a paraplegic last month. He's paralyzed from the neck down -- can't move anything below the neck. So there's a great example of the firm walking the talk.
55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
12PM That's Why It's a Little Lopsided in the Back
Receptionist: In my head I get banged all the time!
Côte-des-Neiges Road
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: better without context
11AM Somebody's Just Asking for a Circular Reference
Office peon #1: Gah, if I could just tell Excel what I want, it'd be so easy. 'Do this!' I'd say, and it would be like, 'Sure!' and life would be simpler.
Office peon #2: Or it wouldn't listen, and you'd put on some leather straps with nipple rings and it'd say, 'Hit me again. Let me see you get reeeal angry.'
University of Utah
Salt Lake City, Utah
10AM If They Happen to Get Motivated, That Can Be Their Christmas Bonus
Service manager: We are not here to motivate employees. We are here to make them do their jobs.
Mavis Road
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
9AM We Prefer "Like a Baby on a Cobra"
Guy on video conference: I'll be on it like a pit bull on a third grader.
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mickey the Intern
5PM Before I Order I Want You Both to Wash Your Hands, Okay?
Cube rat to another: ... Or you could try masturbating five times in one day!
Customer, entering moments before: [Clears her throat.]
Cube rats: ... Shit.
NW 39th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM (Whisper, Whisper) You Mean Those Yellow People Live Here Now?!
Peon, with Asian friend: Boss, I'd like to introduce you to my friend from Charlotte, Amy*. She's stayin' out here with me for a few days, then heading back home.
Boss: Nice to meet you! Where are you from?
Amy: Charlotte, North Carolina.
Boss: How long have you lived there?
Amy: I was born there -- 25 years now.
Boss: Wow! How do you like it?
Amy: Like what?
Boss: America!
Amy: I, uh... I like it?
Boss: Do you think you'll ever go back?
Amy: Yeah, I leave Sunday.
Boss: Wow! Well, I hope you enjoyed your American vacation!
Office party
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Jesse
3PM So at Least She's Being Safe
Colleague, about her cat: Ever since I got those balloons delivered to my house on my birthday, she's really been into rubber.
Yonge Street and St. Clair Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Can They Hear Us from Here?
Intercom: This is an announcement: check your phones to see if they have a dial tone. If they don't, call Administration and let them know.
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: jb
1PM You're Not Doing It Right, Then
Male peon to another: Now I have to go and wash my butt, and that's no fun!
1176 Crooks Road
Troy, Michigan
12PM Just Like Popular Music
Office girl #1: White chocolate is such a sham. They take out the best part.
Office girl #2: The brown?
Southlake, Texas
11AM Told You We Should've Asked for an Energizer Baby
Woman pushing baby carriage: Bob*, I think it's dead.
Bob: Nah, it just needs a charge.
530 West State Street
West Lafayette, Indiana
Overheard by: Schmeckendeugler
10AM You Know How Many Drinks $10,000 Will Buy?
Lady peon: My husband's doctor told him that his liver is so bad that he has to quit drinking, so I'm going to quit with him. [Later] I can't wait to have a couple beers tonight.
Confused coworker: I thought you said you were going to quit drinking with your husband!
Lady peon: Well, a few drinks won't hurt him.
Columbiana, Ohio
Overheard by: ChatsMcGee
9AM Explains How Full House Stayed on the Air for So Long
Coworker #1: Did you watch The Office last night?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I was pretty high, so I don't remember if the parts that I thought were funny actually happened.
3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Bunny
5PM They're Bringing the Hat with a Buckle Back
Old hag customer: Isn't that one of those pilgrims from just South of here? She's ugly as sin.
Bimbette clerk: Oh my god! There are still pilgrims alive? And they live there? That explains so much about the Indian reservation being just down the road.
562 East Main Street
Louisville, Mississippi
Overheard by: Doesn't Work There Anymore
4PM That's Where the Magnifyning Glasses Grow
Bimbette #1: We are so lucky we can't have forest fires here in Georgia.
Teacher: Forest fires can happen anywhere.
Bimbette #2: Nah, you gotta be closer to the equator than Georgia.
123 Broad Street
Dacula, Georgia
Overheard by: smokey the bear