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June 2007 Archives
5PM I Love Denny's
Developer to business analyst: Well, if I get herpes, it tasted really good.
3600 American Boulevard
Bloomington, Minnesota
4PM This Is Actually a Great Segue to Your Firing
Manager: At this point we're only hiring servers who I know will do a really great job.
Waitress #1, with a wink: That's why I was hired, right? 'Cause you knew I'd do an awesome job?
Manager: Yes.
Waitress #2: I think I was hired because the regional manager liked me.
Manager: No, you were hired because the restaurant had just opened and we would have hired anybody.
Peppers Ferry Road
Christiansburg, Virginia
3PM That Mathy Stuff Frightens Me
Professor: Well, then I saw that there were equations involved, so I freaked out.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
2PM How Bleu Cheese Dressing Was Invented
Cube dweller: The ranch is very weird today. Not weird-bad, but weird-tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. [Later] Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as... gone bad.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Stupid Bitch. Lucky Me.
Bitter CSR: She got some flowers delivered... I should take them -- I bet she doesn't even deserve flowers... But I probably don't deserve her abusive boyfriend.
2610 Portland Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: also flower-less and bitter
12PM You Really Don't Need a Monster Truck in the City
Office peon #1: I went to see monster trucks.
Office peon #2: I can't see you watching monster trucks.
Office peon #1: It was so disappointing. You think there's going to be all this destruction, but it's really just a lot of smoke and noise. A flaming man did fall from the ceiling, though. That was pretty cool.
90 5th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Dog Show Judging Is a Thankless Job
Director: I guess he was too busy measuring gonads. That's what he does -- measures gonads.
11 West Jones Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: How big are they?
10AM I'm One Cosmo Quiz Away from Sexual Mastery
Office girl #1: Oh, I love Jane magazine.
Office girl #2: What's that?
Office girl #1: It's a chick magazine, but not so girly. That's why I like it.
Office girl #3: That's why I hate it -- it has, like, articles.
45 West 45th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: RaRa
9AM And, on Special Occasions, Beer
Worker bee: In a perfect world everyone should smell like pizza.
Hemel Hempstead
UK
Overheard by: I'd prefer fresh-cut grass
5PM Thin People Don't Need to Like Their Food As Much As I Do
Heavy lady #1: God, I'm on this new diet, and I'm having a hard time staying on it.
Heavy lady #2: Is it the soup diet?
Heavy lady #1: Yeah... All I've had to eat today was a half bowl of soup.
Heavy lady #2: Did you eat the banana yet?
Heavy lady #1: No, I tried. I don't really like bananas.
504 Lavaca Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: GangerBanger
4PM She Attended the Finest Charm Schools Rikers Has to Offer
Suit on cell: Did you hear that she peed her pants in the bar? Yes, I am talking about the girl who tried to beat my ass.
2220 Colorado Avenue
Santa Monica, California
3PM They'd Look Like Mating Coral Snakes
Grunt #1: Jack* and Cindy* both wore maroon shirts and pinstripe pants to work today.
Grunt #2: Don't you wish they'd just make out already?
Grunt #1: Totally.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM Um, Hmmm -- Mood Elevators? Second Floor
Sales lady: Hello.
Crazy lady: Don't you talk to me! You don't know me! We don't know each other! You have no right to talk to me!
Rochester, Minnesota
Overheard by: Katie
1PM We Really Need a Sneeze Guard
Worker bee: Sorry, I got my lesbian juices all over it.
200 West 7th Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Phone Slave
12PM If You're Typing That, Don't Send It Right Away
Coworker in response to email she just got: Oh my god, Sandy*, you stupid whore.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: other side of the cube
11AM And If We Hit the Wall, Keep Going
Boss: I really want us to go the whole 11 yards on this.
Employees: [Silence.]
Boss: Oh, sorry! Twelve. We need to go the whole 12 yards.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
10AM You See the Shovel under Glass That Says "Break in Case of Emergency"?
Worker on phone: It's covered in poo -- what do I do?!
Fancy chocolate store, Stony Point Fashion Park
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Yum-yum
9AM They Won't Know and I Won't Tell
Coworker #1: I brought these back from vacation. Would you like to try a chocolate-covered ant?
Coworker #2: No, thank you. I'm a vegetarian.
Coworker #1: But they're dead!
Tremont Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Monkey in the Box Office
5PM And I Wrote for SNL During Those Crappy Years
Coworker #1: Hey, can you download this script for me: 'I'm in Hell.'
Coworker #2: Oh my god, what happened? You were fine just a second ago! What's that script you want called?
Coworker #1: 'I'm in Hell,' and I'm fine.
Coworker #2: That's weird, having a script called 'I'm fine' when you're in Hell.
Coworker #1: No, not 'I'm fine' -- 'I'm in Hell.'
Coworker #2: Seriously? What's going on?!
Coworker #1: The script is 'I'm in Hell.' And I'm fine.
Coworker #2: Wait, what?
Coworker #1: [Sighs.]
Boss: This is lamest edition of 'Who's on first?' I've ever heard.
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Office Ears
4PM Ready? Okay!
Boss: Put away those pom-poms, young lady -- this is a place of business!
North Cedar Street
Lititz, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michelle
3PM Back Up -- Baby Pool Filled with Acid?!
Girl reporter: So he said, 'I hope you people fall into acid!' Who wishes that?
Guy reporter: Wow, intense.
Girl reporter: Yeah. But the logistics -- who fills the baby pool with acid?
Guy reporter: The terminator fell into acid in T2.
Girl reporter: The Riddler... No, the Joker fell into acid.
Guy reporter: He lived though.
Girl reporter: And tried to kill Batman. So, see? People falling into acid works out badly for the rest of us.
500 West Jefferson Street
Monroe, North Carolina
2PM Only to Women I Really Cared About
Concerned lady coworker: How is Ellen*? Did she find a new job yet?
Ellen's boyfriend: No, she hasn't even looked. Her self-esteem is really bad right now.
Concerned lady coworker: Awww -- you have to tell her she's beautiful every day.
Ellen's boyfriend: No! I can't do it. I won't do it!
Concerned lady coworker: Come on, lie to her. I'm sure you've lied to women before.
11442 West Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
1PM Didn't You Say That Would Result in Complete Proton Reversal?
Cube rat #1: You have the scissors, right?
Cube rat #2: Yeah...
Cube rat #1: Now cut the yellow wire...
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
12PM The Guilt Trip to Bountiful
Boss: When, in the course of your life, you are traveling to the right you will find that you must take the toll road and pay your dues. There is no free road to the right.
Employee: Uh... Can I have my doughnut now?
Bountiful, Utah
Overheard by: tkt
11AM Ask Any New Yorker
Woman coming in from outside: It's really human out there.
Man: Yeah -- it's not the heat, it's the humanity that will get you every time.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Evan
10AM And Each Evening I Hose Down the Sidewalk
Manager on phone: Yeah, I've got a little apartment on the gay side of the French quarter. Sometimes in the morning I have to beat them off to get out my doorway.
4621 West Napoleon Avenue
Metairie, Louisiana
Overheard by: PeauxBoy
9AM When Nuns Teach Sex Ed
Customer service rep: I don't know what that is, but let me explain it to you.
Wallingford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Cubicle Co-Worker
5PM Army Recruiters Are Born, Not Made
Little kid: Hey, you want to come to my birthday party? It's all about hunting and killing and stuff.
TA: Um, I'll think about it.
Little kid: Listen, your mom isn't your boss anymore.
Sherwood Street
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Casey
4PM By Then It's Too Late
Lady peon: What do you call those cows that you eat?
114 New Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: russ
3PM Almost Everyone's, I Think
Waiter: Is it your birthday today?
Customer: No.
Waiter: Oh, sorry. It's just that there are a lot of birthdays this year.
Minot, North Dakota
Overheard by: Taggart Snyder
2PM So How Old Are You, Loser-Boy?
Drone #1: Hey, where were you Saturday night? The ladies were all up on this.
Drone #2: I went to a birthday party.
Drone #1: Hehehehe... What a dumb waste of time. Whose birthday party was it?
Drone #2: Mine.
Drone #1: Oh... Happy birthday.
377 South Oyster Bay Road
Plainview, New York
Overheard by: tonyg
1PM But I Understand That Hooters Girls Can Be Scary
Senior director to group of scientists: Well, it's not like they're just licking each other's boobies!
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: marblecargirl
12PM But Since You're Standing Right Here, I Can Just Tell You in Person
Boss: Can we talk for a few minutes?
Colleague: In a minute. I need to finish writing nasty emails to staff who don't learn.
Boss: We can't write nasty emails! We have to be encouraging.
Colleague: Dear sir, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that you are a complete idiot...
Australia
11AM And He Said, "I'd Prefer Reparations"
White HR director: I've never touched someone's head like that before! I touched it, and it was all wavy. I told him, you're the first African-American person's head I've ever touched. You should feel honored.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Just an office girl...
10AM Isn't Everyone's?
Photographer: Are you saying my cock is funny?
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
9AM And He's Not a Cop!
Name-dropper: I know a guy who's been on Cops twice!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Quizno
5PM And FEMA Said They'd Take a Couple of Days to Get Here
Cube dweller: Dude, there's like fucking rivers coming out of my uterus.
850 Broadway
Medford, Massachusetts
4PM You'd Think We'd Have Made Peace with Ourselves by Now
Cube rat #1: Damn, you had braces for seven years and your teeth are still that fucked up?
Cube rat #2: Yeah? You've been on a diet for two years and your ass is still that fat?
Trenton, New Jersey
3PM But I Speak a Smattering of Moron
Coworker on phone: No, sir, I am not an idiot.
Chicago, Illinois
2PM ... In a Hypothetical World Where I Play D&D
Coworker #1: We should start a D&D game.
Coworker #2: Yeah. Let's ask Ben* if he wants to play, too!
Coworker #1, yelling to Ben: Hey, want to play D&D later?
Ben, yelling back: No! I don't play D&D!
Coworker #2: We thought you'd be a good Druid.
Ben, yelling back: Fuck that, I'm a thief acrobat!
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Will
1PM In Totally Unrelated News, My Voodoo Doll Works
Office peon on phone: Hey, you know what? I have even more Earth-shattering news for you. Apparently Paula Abdul broke her nose this weekend trying to step over her Chihuahua!
171 Nepean Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: I to the Sac
12PM You Always Take a Weird Exit off the Conversation Highway
Bible-thumping coworker: It's my son's 35th birthday today. I can't believe my oldest is going to be 35.
Normal coworker: Oh? How many children do you have?
Bible-thumping coworker: Let's see... I have three biological and one spiritual. But we're much more than spiritual, really. It's like we have this connection.
Normal coworker, to herself: Riiiiight.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM Time for a Conversation with Jessica Simpson
Hardhat: Don't eat the tuna salad in the cafeteria. It made me throw up.
Suit: Food poisoning takes a while. How long did it take to make you sick?
Hardhat: About 5 seconds. All I can figure is, someone must've put fish in it - I'm allergic to fish.
7th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM The Real Battle Is between Flesh and Synthetic Fibers
Coworker #1: So how did your tennis match go last night?
Brad*: Um, I'd rather not talk about it.
Coworker #2: Nobody wins when Brad wears tennis shorts.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
9AM Internet, Eh?
Client: Who owns the Internet?
Sales guy: Nobody.
Client: Well, somebody's making money!
Web design firm
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: office peon
5PM We Don't Allow Any Outside Food or Textbooks in Our Establishment
Employee: Welcome to ABC Theaters*. What can I do for you today?
Collegiate: Do you have a student discount?
Employee: I'm sorry, sir, ABC does not believe in education.
299 Swannanoa River Road
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Got my GED
4PM Nixed Greens
Coworker #1: I am going across the street to get something to eat. Do you ladies want anything?
Coworker #2: Do you want to bring me back a salad?
Coworker #1: Not really... I was just being courteous.
North University and Fletcher Streets
Michigan
3PM Go to Easy Street and Make a U-Turn
Drone #1: I hate moving. My stuff's everywhere. I'm living in squalor!
Drone #2: I don't know where that is.
Glen Lake Drive
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: sladeripfire
2PM I Refuse to Look and I Refuse to Say
Female coworker to male coworker: Do these pants make me look like I have a penis?
Lisbon Street
Lewiston, Maine
1PM But First I Want Them to Pay
Young woman: Do you want your patients to die?
Older woman: Well, that would be one approach.
Rochester, New York
12PM Next Time, Aim Lower Than a Police Car
Woman on phone: What do you mean, you never thought you would get caught in a stolen car?!
Columbia Business Park
Columbia, South Carolina
11AM There Was Also Some Mention of the Spitting
Former secretary: They fired me! Can you believe that? They fired me because they said I had a shitty fuckin' attitude!
Student government office
New York, New York
Overheard by: Still laughing
10AM In What Capacity, I Will Not Say
IT manager: Sometimes when I'm down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.
West Village
New York, New York
9AM Go Go Gadget Fake-Smile!
Employee, loudly and angrily into walkie: I am implementing customer service now!
620 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
5PM Could You Just Stop Talking about Centimeters?
Exec assistant: Fuckin' pregnant chicks...
Preggers: I didn't even get you wet!
Waterloo
Canadia
4PM Somebody's Gotta Do It If We're Gonna Eat 'Em
Tester #1: Don't mess with me like that. I'm cracked out on Vitamin C.
Tester #2: You know, too much Vitamin C makes you itch. Itch like crazy. Itchy scratchy.
Tester #1: Who told you that?
Tester #2: My grandma.
Tester #1: Didn't your grandma kill chickens?
Tester #2: That's beside the point.
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
3PM "Real" Means Different Things to Different People
Trekkie coworker: Dude, at the convention they had light sabers for sale for two hundred dollars.
Bored coworker: So?
Trekkie coworker: They were just plastic, they weren't even real!
County Road 427
Auburn, Indiana
Overheard by: Doesn't have a real light saber either
2PM ...Which, Thanks to Lawrence V. Texas, I Can Finally Come Out and Say
Female engineer: I need to hear some boy bands.
Male coworker: Like 'N Sync, 98 Degrees, Backdoor Boys.
Female engineer: I love back-door boys.
Airport Rd
Mansfield Texas
1PM Can I Interest You in These Delicious Cough Drops?
Sales guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late...
Director of marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales guy: No.
Director of marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM ...There Is Prune Juice in Dr. Pepper
Boss: In my opinion, which is 100% correct...
Prague
Czech Republic
11AM Chinese Hamster Gynecologists?
Minion: Do you seriously want to go off on a Chinese hamster ovary tangent? I mean, who gives a crap?
1959 NE Pacific Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: snickerpants
10AM Went Right Through a Stop Sign
Clerk #1: Sorry, I'm a little dyslexic.
Clerk #2: My dog died of dyslexia!
1901 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Office Droid
9AM MacGyver: After Hours
Supervisor: Well, if that's the case, all I need is a panda, a gun, and a bottle of wine.
Naperville, Illinois
5PM Except for This Incubus Growing Inside Me
Coworker: Are you okay?
Pregnant woman having contraction: Nothing fell out, so I'm good.
Navy yard
Washington, DC
4PM Can We Rinse Our Minds before Continuing This?
Elevator girl: I rode in the weenie mobile last night!
Elevator guy: Is that a euphemism?
Elevator girl: No! He really came! Oh...
Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
3PM I Think You'll Like the Results
Boss : What is that red thing on top of a rooster's head called? I can't find a description anywhere on the Internet.
Employee: Just Google 'cock' and 'diagram.'
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Sailorette
2PM It Bubbled a Little and Then Burned
Business architect: I felt the difference once it was in my mouth!
120 Fairview Park
Virginia
1PM Or Sticking It Up Your Nose
Sales guy: Oh, crap! I left the cap off my Sharpie last night! [Tries it on paper] Oh, no! What can I do?!
Cube rat #1: Well, you could try running a little water over the tip. Or, um, you could just throw it away and get a new one.
Sales guy: Put some water on it? Would that work?
Cube rat #2: Is it a Sharpie or a marker?
Cube rat #3: If putting water on it doesn't work, try licking it.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM I Was Like, "Cut the Cord Already, Chewbacca"
Girl #1: So I was about to put my tongue in...
Girl #2: Ew, was it hairy?
Girl #1: Yeah, but his mom called, so I didn't have to.
College office
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: uh...
11AM None of Your Trendy Rat Milk for Me
Designer: I just don't trust anything that doesn't come out of a cow!
Newspaper
Melbourne
Australia
10AM But He's Buying All the Missiles We Sell, So Who Cares?
Sales guy: He was from another country. A made-up country, though.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Wait, No - That's Why I'm Afraid of Fire
Woman: You know I'm afraid of birds, don't you? It's because of that movie and the time my mother burned down a gas station.
Cal State Northridge
Northridge, California
Overheard by: Scott
5PM Who Encouraged William Shatner to Make a Children's CD Anyway?
Annoyed peon: None of it rhymes! He rhymes 'lizards' with 'chinchillas' and 'dogs' with 'scorpions.'
101 2nd Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: pinup
4PM Bad Enough We Never Mastered Central Heating
Trainee: Would you mind closing that window? The cold air is making my skin peel off.
London
England
3PM See, Isn't This Better Than the Lincoln Memorial?
Enthusiastic teen boy: This is the Borders where Teddy got his handjob!
Washington, DC
2PM And the Stamina to Keep It Running?
Old boss: I used to do bad things, you know.
Young employee: Really?! Yeah, right.
Old boss: Yeah, like dealing coke. How do you think we got the money to start this place?
Des Moines, Iowa
1PM You're on Thin, Black Ice
White grunt #1: I'm going to the deli. You guys want anything?
Black grunt: I'll wait till lunch.
White grunt #2: Can you spot me a cup of coffee? This time with cream and sugar?
White grunt #1: I thought you were a black man.
White grunt #2: I am a black man.
Black grunt: Shit.
New York, New York
12PM How International Incidents Begin
Maintenance guy #1 on cell: Hello? Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Si. Sure, okay [hangs up].
Maintenance guy #2: Who was that?
Maintenance guy #1: I don't know -- some Mexican dude. He was talking Spanish and I just agreed with him. I think it was a wrong number.
7160 Riverwood Drive
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: Bored Receptionist
11AM Have You Been Suffering from Delusions of Heterosexuality?
Semi-boss: No, I mean, I just misspelled every single word and, like, inverted letters and stuff.
Assistant: Maybe your hands were in the wrong place on the keyboard... Or maybe you have that thing that Tom Cruise has.
Semi-boss: Scientology?
Newark, Delaware
10AM Management Zombies Also Eat the Brains of the Living
Office grunt: I don't know where he gets it from... No, wait, I know where he gets it from -- he sucks the energy of others.
Software office
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Lauren
9AM Neither -- I'm Running Ubuntu Linux
Coworker on phone: Do you have a Mac or a real computer?
Bowling Green, Ohio
5PM Are You Happy About Any of That?
Coworker: In the 30 years I've worked here, I've been married more times than I've called in sick.
Modesto, California
Overheard by: That's not my job.
4PM Blinded by the Lite Beer
Bearded employee: Man, I think I have beer on my glasses.
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Laughing Librarian
3PM When You Get to the Skin, Stop!
Old lady to young guy during naked model drawing class: Stop undressing her with your eyes!
553 Aspicuelta
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: the model
2PM I Could Let Her Hurt Feelings Control Me. But No.
Coworker #1, distraught: I'm leaving now. I probably won't be back till tomorrow.
Clueless manager: Okay, have fun! [Distraught coworker sobs and runs out.]
Coworker #2: Um... You know she's having her dog put to sleep, right?
111 Madisonville Street
Crofton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
1PM And for a Short Time, He Will Like You More
Female peon: Even if a guy doesn't like you it's still nice if you give him a blow job, right?
Male peon: Yeah, that's nice... That's reeeal nice... That's Toys-for-Tots-nice.
1200 Yankee Doodle Road
Eagan, Minnesota
12PM The Argument for Christianity, Judaism and Islam
Peon on phone: She's right that it doesn't make sense, but it's what we should do.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM Ozzy Osbourne: Of All the Things I've Lost, I Miss My Schlong the Most
Front desk girl: What was that thing in the Lost Objects box?
Manager: A penis. Huge one.
Front desk girl: The maid found it in a room?
Manager: In the fridge.
Hotel
Montréal
Canadia
Overheard by: Grossed Out Customer
10AM Can't Talk. Playing Pong.
Old guy, about computer monitor: What do you all stare at on these things?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM I'm Guessing the Party Was Your Idea
Worker bee #1: So, how did your party go this weekend?
Worker bee #2: It went good other than my husband didn't help very much. When I was getting everything ready, guess what he was doing?
Worker bee #1: What?
Worker bee #2: I started looking for him everywhere. Then I decided to look outside, and I caught him in the backyard jacking off.
Burnett Plaza
Ft. Worth, Texas
5PM When Government Leads, the People Will Follow
Manager: What's this? Everyone acts stupid all of a sudden.
2300 Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
4PM Nah, the Wisdom Of the East Side
Chinese coworker: Where did my customer go? She was there a minute ago and now she's disappeared.
White coworker: She probably went to the bathroom.
Chinese coworker: Maybe her baby was drowning in the bathroom and she had to go rescue it.
White coworker, after long pause: What the fuck is that, an old Chinese proverb?
50th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: cp
3PM So Do Not Call Me
Boss pointing to bathroom stall: If you need me, I'll be in my office, haha.
Employee: Um, I'm not gonna ask you anything while you're taking a shit.
Boss: Oh, I'm not taking a shit. I'm just gonna sit in there and play Tetris on my phone.
Dexter Avenue
Seattle, Washington
2PM The Army Thanked Me for My Service and Discharged Me
IT guy: ... And then I took off all my clothes and ran at them screaming. They were shooting at me but couldn't hit me.
Tysons Corner
Virginia
1PM Someday He'll Have His Own Interns to Torment
Scientist #1 to intern, smacking him in the face with a latex glove: I challenge you to a duel! [Intern rolls his eyes and walks away.] Interns these days -- they don't have a sense of humor.
Scientist #2: Does it really matter? He could be a psycho serial killer, but as long as he does my work for me I don't really care.
701 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM Just When I Learned to Tell Time, Too
Bimbette: I hate that I have to memorize a new date everyday.
Monroe and LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM I'm Wearing My Power Tights
Office dweller: Well, if I need to look more professional I'll just take off my pants.
304 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Pandora
10AM The Fate of an Entire Ball's Trajectory Rests in His Young Hands
Outraged peon, about Phil Hughes: This kid is 21 years old! Twenty-one! What were you doing at 21? Going to class? Drinking beer? This kid has the most important job in the world... and he is only 21!
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Feeling bad for others
9AM But What Do You Do Outside of Work?
Manager: So, what are your hobbies? What do you do for fun?
Newbie: I like to breed.
1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
5PM Maybe I Should Go Amend Her Chart?
Grunt #1: What's wrong with Debbie*?
Grunt #2: Uh, something's wrong with the gonads on her vocal cords.
Grunt #1: You mean 'nodules'?
Grunt #2: Oh, yeah.
Colleyville, Texas
Overheard by: quite amused
4PM He's Getting Divorced, but Close Enough
Cop: Where's the chief?
Higher-up: He's out this week. He had surgery on Tuesday.
Cop: Oh, yeah, that's right. I heard he was having a hysterectomy.
Higher-up: Um, yeah.
Newark, Delaware
3PM If It Weren't for IBS, I'd Have No Reason to Get Up in the Morning
Designer: I'm bored and all the bathrooms are full.
605 Lakeview Drive
Springdale, Arizona
Overheard by: so what?
2PM Not to Get Bogged Down in Technical Lingo...
Staff doctor to resident: You did a pelvic and you didn't charge for it? Girl, if you look at the coochie you gotta charge for it!
2955 Farnam Street
Omaha, Nebraska
1PM But Only after Three or Four Kamikazes
Office peon: She acts like Japan!
Carnegie Center
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Did I hear that right?
12PM And Really, How Much Skin, Bone and Fur Do You Want to Eat?
Worker #1: How much fiber do you think is in a bat?
Worker #2: Not a lot.
Worker #1, surprised: Really?
Worker #2: Well... It's not like a bat is a vegetable.
Hospital
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
11AM For Once, the Shittiest Thing in Our House Isn't The L Word
Software developer to web designer: Our toilets don't flush, so we don't need cable television anymore. This is not a metaphor.
5th Avenue
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Logic Impaired
10AM But the First Step Is Not Admitting You Have a Problem
Staffer: I just left Publix and my cashier's name was Kartoon.
HR manager: Oh, yeah! My wife was telling me about her. Do you think her parents meant to name her 'Khartoum,' after the country in Africa?
Staffer: I don't know. Maybe it's just a popular name from her parents' native country.
HR manager: Oh, you mean she's not black?
Staffer: What? No, she's Asian.
HR manager: Oh. Was I stereotyping just now?
Staffer: Ummm, yeah, a little bit... You are so in the right profession.
Office
Hilton Head, South Carolina
9AM Some Mornings I Forget to Attach It at All
Guy descending escalator: Every time I pull down my pants I look down and it's like, 'Oh! I forgot it was there.'
Pier 70
Seattle, Washington
5PM I Have a Delicate Constitution
Office peon: When I was little I Dream of Jeannie always made me tense. I think it was the chaos.
25 South Front Street
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: emf
4PM But Ass Prostheses Are the Wave of the Future
Girl #1: Oh my god! You are such a slut!
Girl #2: I am not a slut!
Girl #3: It's true, she's not a slut. She's just a fake-ass ho.
Girl #1: Yeah, you're such a fake-ass ho.
Girl #2: Yeah, true.
1310 Sycamore Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM Our Slogan: We're Quivering to Help You
Presenter: Right, so not only do you have to help each other, but you also have to service your members.
Hotel
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: really bored
2PM She's Real --Just Not Really Dead
Office girl on phone: I figured I might as well not waste these tears, so I took the opportunity to tell them about my fake dead aunt.
Abington, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: alxie
1PM All We Asked Was, "How Was Your Weekend?"
Female worker: I'm serious, I don't like to put things in my mouth that might squirt out! I mean--
Stunned coworker, interrupting: --No, you've probably said enough.
Female worker: I'm talking about the doughnut.
121 Zeeb Road
Ann Arbor, Michigan
12PM Back Up -- the Direction of the Earth's Axis?
Supervisor: We can't say 'Summer Solutions' on this brochure, because it might confuse people in California because it's summer all the time there. Any ideas of how to reword this?
Staffer: It's not summer all the time in California. It's summer during summer time.
Supervisor: But it's warm all year round, so how do they know it's summer? We need a way to explain that these things are only intended for the summer.
Staffer: But they still know what summer is, even if it's still warm during the other seasons.
Supervisor: I'm not sure about that...
Staffer: Summer isn't about temperature, it's about the direction of Earth's axis. Summer is always in June, July, and August. It always starts with the solstice in June.
Supervisor: I don't know anything about solstices and all that. Let's just reword this.
Staffer: But California still has a summer. I'm telling you, they know what summer is.
Supervisor: I don't know. They might get confused.
Staffer: Confused about what?
Supervisor: Confused about when summer is. Like, it's summer right now, 'cause it's been warm lately.
Staffer: No... April is in the spring.
Delaware
Overheard by: rofl in cube next door
11AM So: Questions?
US sales manager in teleconference: We gotta let the elephant be the hot dog right outta the shoe.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
10AM Unless, of Course, You Don't Own a Dog
English teacher: Nice shirt.
Manager: Tell me about it... It's laundry day.
Italian teacher: Oh god, I hate laundry day. I always run out of underwear and have to wear nothing under my skirt. I'm terrified that the dog will stick his face up my vagina... You know, literally.
Manager: Yeah, I don't think there is a way to mean that in a non-literal sense.
434 Peixoto Gomide
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: English Teacher #2
9AM Plus Clowns
Coworker #1: What is Cirque du Soleil anyway?
Coworker #2: I went to the website -- it looks like it's just a bunch of Asians stretching.
Columbus, Ohio
5PM From My Big Book of Muddled Management Metaphors
Boss: You know, if you're behind the train, then you're probably driving on the tracks again.
200 West Oak Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
4PM Surprisingly Effective
Male supervisor who drives a PT Cruiser: My car's as much of a chick magnet as me walking into a room without a shirt on making farting noises with my armpit.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM What Severe Burnout Looks Like
Grunt #1: If there is a tornado today, are you our emergency person?
Grunt #2: Nope, I really don't care if you die.
Beach Street
Fort Worth, Texas
2PM But the Day Is Young
Female supervisor: Hey, Stan*, you got a stiffy today?
Office worker with pained expression: Uh... I've just got a sore neck.
Hemel Hempstead
UK
1PM It'll Just Make Things Worse
Grandmother to toddler trying to climb out of shopping cart: If you fall on your head and break your leg, don't come running to me.
Santee, California
Overheard by: Snickering Cashier
12PM She Doesn't Need to Work, but She's in It for the SWAG
Supervisor: I have to clean this place up today before one of the company reps shows up!
Worker: Are they bringing us some squishy balls?!
Supervisor: No... Oh, not that kind of rep -- this guy is from one of the companies that pays us.
Worker: What? Are they at least bringing some candy? Candy! Candy! Candy! Yay, candy!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
11AM NewsFlash: Rise in Drive-by Insultings in the Workplace
Coworker: Wow! Those are some shiny shoes! You know, it's a good thing to have shiny shoes because people are more likely to be enthralled by your feet and less likely to notice your incompetence.
Elevator, Office building
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: checking own feet
10AM I Regret Nothing
Worker bee #1: Is that a PlayStation Three?
Worker bee #2: Yeah.
Worker bee #1: Those are hard to come by. I bet you had to beat off a lot of guys in the store to get that one.
Worker bee #2: [Silence.]
150 Granby Street
Norfolk, Virginia
9AM Their Business Model Is Predicated on It
Customer on phone: The plug won't fit!
IA rep: It's okay, sir. I just need to confirm that the first device plugged into our router is either a firewall or a computer.
Customer on phone: They... They just won't connect!
IA rep: We're looking for an Ethernet line. Is there an Ethernet line coming out of the router? Make sure not to plug or unplug anything. It will take down your voice, too.
Customer on phone: It's some telephone thingy... Oh, wait! This cord might work-- [click].
IA rep: We got another one.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
5PM At Least, Not Here
Customer: ... But the sign outside says it's $1.99.
Cashier: That's the meat and potato burrito. You ordered chicken. That's not meat.
301 Water Street
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
4PM Nobody Can Take a Deposition Like You
Attorney: Okay, lay down on your desk.
Paralegal: Okay, but don't look at my butt.
Attorney, after long pause: Wow, you have an amazing pain tolerance!
Burien, Washington
Overheard by: third wheel
3PM He Was Grandma's Last Disappointment
Male coworker: So, did you hear about what Shannon* did for her grandmother's birthday?
Female coworker: Yeah!
Male coworker: How she got her a stripper?
Female coworker: Yeah, haha. I know!
Male coworker: Pretty funny... She was, like, 90... Did you hear that she died like a week later?
Female coworker: Yeah...
Male coworker: Yeah. It kinda sucks.
Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: Audiogirl Hates Elevators
2PM James Gets Empowered by Assertiveness Training
Mid-life crisis coworker: Hi, this is James*. You remember me? Good. Well, I was just calling to tell you that there's lettuce on my bagel, and I ordered no lettuce, no tomato, and this is the third time this has happened. You guys make great food, but this is unacceptable and I thought you should be aware of your error.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
1PM Good Samaritan: Yeah, I Just Kept Walking, Too
Secretary: Oh my god. I walked past this hobo that smelled so bad I could taste it. I mean, I might as well have licked him.
Paralegal: Did he have blood running down his leg onto his foot? I think I've smelled him before, too.
601 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
12PM At the Law Firm of Nasty, Brutish and Short
Maintenance guy: You gotta get your key out real quick or they're gonna swing an ax.
420 Western Avenue
Albany, New York
11AM My Sports Car and Underage Girlfriend Just Weren't Enough
Coworker: I bought some new gi-normous pearls -- they're like testicles!
1st Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Zoltarpanaflex
10AM ... Limiting Our Lunch Breaks, Not Stealing Supplies, Wearing Shoes...
Coworker #1 holding company's new tech use policy: It says we're not supposed to blog on company time.
Coworker #2: Whatever. It's not like we follow any of their other policies, like doing work and shit.
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM That's Too Hard -- I'm Just Gonna Buy My Own
Photo coordinator looking for staples: Why are there paper clips in this box?
Photo editor: What?
Photo coordinator: See -- it says 'staples,' but there are paper clips in here.
Photo editor: Dude, it's from Staples. You need the box that says 'staples' twice.
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
5PM I Don't Get Indoors Much
Man: Is that meeting here on the tenth floor?
Woman: No, it's on the eleventh floor.
Man: Okay. Is that one floor up?
2775 Laurel Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
4PM Don't Trust Anyone in Double Digits
First grader #1: Miss D.*, how old are you?
23-year-old Miss D.: Well...
First grader #2: Shhh! Don't you know you're not supposed to ask an old lady how old she is?!
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Toni
3PM That Means It's Working
Manager: Just put it in your mouth and suck on it.
Associate: But I don't want to get sick... What will happen? [Long, awkward pause] It's burning my tongue.
East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Champagnegurl
2PM No, Lynn Finished It! Weren't You Listening?
Woman: Sam* is a big cookie ho, and I'm the cookie monitor, and Lynn* is the cake finisher--
Sam, from next cubicle: --There's cake?!
Congress Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kitty
1PM You're Just Glad to Have Company
Office drone: It's like... once you see the purple elephant walk into the room, you just don't care.
490 1st Avenue South
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: django
12PM How Hard Is It to Remember My Name Is Also Devon?
IT chick: Hey, where's my homies?
Admin: What homies?
IT chick: Devon* and the little guy.
Admin, incredulous: There's a little guy?!
Little guy in corner, quietly: Thanks.
3559 Belgium Lane
San Antonio, Texas
11AM You Could Still Take a Black Lover
Office peon #1: I met my husband in Ireland, but he's from South Africa originally.
Office peon #2: You're going to have such beautiful babies.
Office peon #1: Well, I think so, but why do you?
Office peon #2: Half-black babies are always beautiful.
Office peon #1: My husband isn't black.
Office peon #2: He's not?
Office peon #3: Sally*, not everyone in South Africa is black. In fact, the majority of South Africans are white. Haven't you heard of apartheid?
Office peon #2: Yeah, I guess.
Town Street
Columbus, Ohio
10AM Time Travel's Probably Your Only Hope Now
Office peon: That John Wilkes Booth -- they just didn't shoot Lincoln soon enough.
Arlington, Texas
9AM And Those Are More Valuable Than a Life
Woman: My sister got out of rehab on Tuesday and died of an overdose on Friday, and I just got the rehab bill in the mail.
Friend: I'd tell thems to stick 'at bill up they asses -- that shit didn't work! It's like gettin' a bad weave! You don't pay fo' no bad weaves, does you?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM It Does Seem That the Planet Has Enough People
Woman on phone: So, the reason he can't cum is because he virtually has no sperm count. No sperm at all. That's such a relief!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rosie
4PM In Court He Refers to the Judge As "Venerable Dickhead"
Intern: Holy shit, it's cold in here!
Sandy*, ancient secretary: Allen*! This a law office -- a professional place of business. We do not use profanity in this office. What if a client had been waiting in reception and heard you use that kind of language? In the future I would ask that you refrain from using that kind of language. I'm sure the partners would not appreciate you speaking that way to your coworkers, especially those who are older than you.
Partner, entering five minutes later: Jesus-fucking-Christ, it's cold in here! Goddamn, Larry* -- cheapskate son of a bitch won't turn the heat on until nine. Sandy, get me Larry's number so I can give that asshole a piece of my mind. Fucking dick. Every goddamn winter he pulls this shit. And Sandy, make some coffee for these interns -- it's like 40 degrees in here!
Law office
New York, New York
3PM Home of the Box Lunch
CSR girl: The Gold Gentleman's Club... That's where girls strip, right?
Sleazy manager: Yeah, they got real pretty girls there, but they don't dance long enough! You give them a 20, and they look at you like, 'What have you done for me lately?'
Quiet guy: They've got really good food there on Fridays.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Office Peon
2PM Reader Challenge: Take Your Office Mary Out to Lunch
Boss: Have you fixed that invoice?
Minion: Yeah! It was totally magical -- Mary* thinks I'm awesome, and she's going to do some stuff in the system and the invoice will be fixed!
Boss: So, we're getting paid?
Minion: Yeah! Magical Mary will fix it, I'll send it out, and we'll get paid! Hooray for everyone!
200 Harry S. Truman Parkway
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Rica
1PM Mr. Ness Monster, How Kind of You to Make It Today
Trainer during computer training class: Now, everyone use their last name and first initial as their user name and password.
Trainee #1: I did that and it says I don't exist.
Trainee #2: Me, too.
Trainee #3: Same here.
Trainer: Raise your hand if you don't exist. [Almost entire class raises their hands.]
Meek voice from the back: I exist.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas
12PM Isn't Your Girlfriend Miss Potato Head?
Man: So, I told my girlfriend that if I fuck a midget it is not considered cheating.
Coworker: What? Yes, it is!
Man: No, it isn't. They aren't real people.
Presque Isle, Maine
Overheard by: wtf kind of place is this?
11AM Show 'em How an American Works Himself to Death
American client: Aren't we supposed to receive last month's results soon?
French staffer: Normally, yes, but Easter was only last Sunday.
American client: So?
French staffer: Well, it means we're only in the first week of a two-week holiday. So everything will be ready in three weeks.
American client: What? Do those fucking socialist dicksippers really have two weeks off for Easter?! You know, when I retire I'm going to work in France.
125 West 55th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jean val Jean
10AM They Always Do, Though
Tech support on phone to customer: You know what you just did? Yeah, never do that again.
Rockville, Maryland
9AM Your Ideas All Have Two Tails and Misshapen Heads
Male coworker: It's like the client is the ovum -- no... No... Yes, the ovum. And my ideas are the sperm and the boss is the scrotum and the creative department is the shaft and my sperm keep on trying to get in the egg -- they try and they try -- and some of them are strong and good swimmers and some are, like, dormant--
Female coworker, interrupting: --Stop.
Ad agency
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dr Phyllis
5PM In Unrelated News, We Were Voted the Most Abusive Company of 2006
Company owner: Okay, so I haven't heard a real definition of 'bad touch' yet...
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
4PM That's What the White House Staff Is For
Tech: Sometimes I think George* has never been on the Internet.
9155 West Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
3PM You're Not Gonna Make That "Fine Wine" Analogy Again, Are You?
Office grunt: There's nothing wrong with grandmas... Like you've never wanted a GILF!
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
2PM Honesty and Parenting Are Mutually Exclusive
Mom to little kid: I told you not to go in the road.
Dad: Yeah, you get hit by a car, you gon' be in there with mama on a bed. [Kid stares.] You get hit by a car, you gon' have to get X-rays. You want X-rays? X-rays hurt.
Doctor's office, 35th Street and Redwood Road
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: JChan
1PM But When We Succeed, the Wankputer's Gonna Be Huge
Coworker #1: Jack*, don't you have a little thing?
Jack: I got a little thing, but it don't do shit.
Coworker #2: So do I, Jack. So do I.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM No Secrets on the Internet
Hobo: You can't make me stay here! Fuck you! I'm leaving!
White nurse: Get out, then! Leave!
Hobo, to black nurse: How you doin', chocolate thunder?
White nurse, laughing: That's totally your porn name.
27th Street and 1st Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Suggest You Glue Your Ass to Your Own Chair
Office drone #1: What's a funnier prank -- if I tape the the receiver to the boss's phone, or if I fix it so she can't open the drawer?
Office drone #2: Um, maybe you should... [looks pointedly at returning boss behind drone #1].
Office drone #1: I know! I'll glue her coffee mug to her desk. Bitch'll be spewing!
Boss, standing right behind drone #1: Bitch is behind you.
Harris Street
Pyrmont, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: get back to work!
10AM They Make Less-Expensive Bad Decisions
Office grunt: ... And that's why you should only have stupid children.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM Okay, I Have to Get Off -- Bye, Now!
Garbageman on phone: I am calling in sick. I took some Cialis and I have had an erection for more than four hours... Has anyone used that excuse before?
Dispatcher: No, not that I recall.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: dispatcher who has heard it all
5PM At the Science Friction Convention
Announcement over PA: If anyone has taken Maureen's* K-Y Jelly, please return it immediately.
W 66th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: wondering why its needed
4PM Then How Come X-Rays Are Black and White, Smart Guy?
Office manager: Have you ever seen the images from an MRI? It's amazing the beautiful colors that are inside of our bodies!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: glorified gopher
3PM Ladies, This Is the Mark 29 Industrial Fan
Woman clerk: You all need to get your hot flashes together so we can get to work!
Springfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Azazel
2PM I Meant the Toaster with the Smiley Face on It
Engineer #1: I'm going to head back to where I've been working. Nobody knows where it is. I call it my happy place.
Engineer #2: Take a muffin!
Engineer #1: Nice! I just want half, though.
Engineer #2: Don't take half! Take the whole thing. [To Engineer #3] Stick the rest of that muffin in your happy place.
Engineer #3: That's disgusting.
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Nic
1PM But Otherwise It's Totally Synthetic Furniture for Me
Suit: I'd do it just to say I had hair on my ass.
385 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM But I Think We've Tapped into a Potential Goldmine
Chick #1: Did you know that they're making Coke kosher for Passover?
Chick #2: [Blank stare.]
Chick #1: They're putting sugar in it.
Chick #2: [Continues to stare.]
Chick #1: Normally, it has corn syrup in it.
Chick #2: ... Oh! The soda!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mardi
11AM Jesus: The Way You People Treat Each Other, I Hate You All!
CSR, sighing at computer: Jesus hates me. [Alarmed when notices customer] I didn't mean that.
Customer: No, it's okay. He probably does.
1400 Apalachee Parkway
Tallahassee, Florida
10AM The Less I Know, the Better, Actually
Overpaid IT guy: Well, I'm here to help, but don't expect me to know what's going on.
San Francisco, California
9AM Tropic of Cancer Has That Effect on a Lot of People
New mother, about boss's new book: I'll pop a boob out while I'm looking at the book. [Coworkers look shocked.] Oh, no! I meant while I'm breastfeeding!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
5PM No Gay People in This House!
Coworker #1: She got to the point where she couldn't leave the house anymore. She had that -- what do you call it -- homophobia.
Coworker #2: Ah, I think you mean 'agoraphobia.'
Coworker #1: No, I'm pretty sure it's homophobia.
Coworker #2: ... If you say so.
187 Thomas Street
Sydney
Australia
4PM This Whole Reproduction Thing Is a Mystery to Me
Male coworker in all-male meeting: I don't know where Jill* is. She is pregnant. Maybe she's palpitating.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Grammatically Stunned
3PM For Some Foster Parents, It's about Quantity, Not Quality
Coworker: You see that door right there? We can fit, like, nine minors in there!
Bloomington, Indiana
2PM Have You Considered Giving Puberty a Try?
Boss to magazine editor on phone: Hello? Sorry, what's your name? Jeff? Jeff? Really? Sorry, it's just... you sound like a woman.
UK
1PM Got My Eye on the Prettiest Little Vireo
Driver piercing long silence on radio, to no one in particular: If I wasn't a human, I'd be one o' them cow birds. [Other drivers agree.]
227 Business Route 96
Buna, Texas
Overheard by: Angel
12PM I Never Should Have Bought It That Wii
Male peon muttering to self: Hey, brain -- work! Please work? At least for the next two hours!
Female peon: Are you talking to your brain?
Male peon: Yeah, I'm trying to get it to work.
Female peon: Oh.
8133 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
11AM Let Me Rephrase That Question
Father: Did you wash your hands?
Five-year-old kid returning from bathroom: Ummm... I'm pretty sure I didn't get poop on them.
Dental office
Tigard, Oregon
Overheard by: Robin
10AM Usually Just My Doorman Tells Me That
Teacher #1: So, I went to my gynecologist yesterday, and he told me I had an exceptionally nice vagina.
Teacher #2: Oh, that was nice of him.
214 Race Street
Middletown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: poor student who wanted to ask a question
9AM I Mean, I've Got Kids and They're Horrible
Worker bee #1: I don't understand what pedophiles are thinking.
Worker bee #2: Man, you're not supposed to understand it!
Austin, Texas
5PM Hobo: I Was Researching Adult Entertainment Law!
Student: This place is nice.
Employee: Yeah, it's really peaceful until the homeless guys look at porn on the Internet and they have to call the cops.
Student: Does that happen a lot?
Employee: Yeah. What else do they have to do?
Law Library, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
4PM We're in a Roaring Metal Tube Full of Idiots -- It Couldn't Hurt
Flight attendant #1: I used to get high before studying for tests. Did you ever try it?
Flight attendant #2: No, no, I never did that.
Flight attendant #1: It really works... Hey, did you study the new rules for flights shorter than two hours? Lots of information.
Flight attendant #2: Are you high right now?
Flight attendant #1: ... Why do you ask?
United flight
Nebraska
Overheard by: Ken
3PM I Didn't Say You'd Contributed Much
Cube rat girl: You've really contributed to my progress as a human being. Like, I've learned all these new terms from you. Like 'owned,' and 'oh, word?' And 'meh'!
Cube rat guy: See? So what would your life be like without me?
Cube rat girl: Well, I think pretty much the same, but with a few less words.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM That's What You Said about Auto Theft
Tech steward: Daniel Radcliffe -- I'd rob that cradle.
Receptionists: Ewww!
Tech steward: Whatever. He's legal in Britain.
22nd and Walnut Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Emily G
1PM Talking Dirty Doesn't Come Easy for Martha Stewart
Lady on phone: Girrrl, you done sound like an apple pie that's been baked!
Evanston, Wyoming
12PM Without Him, I Don't Want a Liver
Cashier #1: So, how are you?
Cashier #2: Oh, you know -- I'm still really upset about--
Cashier #1: --About that whole David* thing?
Cashier #2: Yeah, I'm still really upset about us breaking up.
Cashier #1: Oh... Yeah...
Cashier #2: But he called last night and said he'll think about getting back together.
Cashier #1: Oh, well... that's good, isn't it?
Cashier #2: So then I drank a whole bottle of bourbon by myself in two hours.
Perth
Australia
11AM A Move Known As "The IT Sidestep"
Temp: We found some old mice in the trashcan. I don't really think they belong in there.
Tech guy: I think that's a problem for facilities. Are they dead or alive?
Maryville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Cinderella
10AM Order You to Clean It Up
Employee to boss: So, what do you do when a kid pisses on the sales floor?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I don't know either
9AM Pastriform Encephalopathy
Tech #1: I'm starving. I should live off of my excess fat, like a doughboy.
Tech #2: I've never seen the Pillsbury Doughboy eat. He's always right by food but never takes any.
Tech #1: Exactly... Hey, do you think if he ate a biscuit he would get the doughboy version of mad cow?
109 T.W. Alexander Drive
Durham, North Carolina
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