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June 2007 Archives
5PM I Love Denny's
Developer to business analyst: Well, if I get herpes, it tasted really good.
3600 American Boulevard
Bloomington, Minnesota
4PM This Is Actually a Great Segue to Your Firing
Manager: At this point we're only hiring servers who I know will do a really great job.
Waitress #1, with a wink: That's why I was hired, right? 'Cause you knew I'd do an awesome job?
Manager: Yes.
Waitress #2: I think I was hired because the regional manager liked me.
Manager: No, you were hired because the restaurant had just opened and we would have hired anybody.
Peppers Ferry Road
Christiansburg, Virginia
3PM That Mathy Stuff Frightens Me
Professor: Well, then I saw that there were equations involved, so I freaked out.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
2PM How Bleu Cheese Dressing Was Invented
Cube dweller: The ranch is very weird today. Not weird-bad, but weird-tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. [Later] Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as... gone bad.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Stupid Bitch. Lucky Me.
Bitter CSR: She got some flowers delivered... I should take them -- I bet she doesn't even deserve flowers... But I probably don't deserve her abusive boyfriend.
2610 Portland Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: also flower-less and bitter
12PM You Really Don't Need a Monster Truck in the City
Office peon #1: I went to see monster trucks.
Office peon #2: I can't see you watching monster trucks.
Office peon #1: It was so disappointing. You think there's going to be all this destruction, but it's really just a lot of smoke and noise. A flaming man did fall from the ceiling, though. That was pretty cool.
90 5th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Dog Show Judging Is a Thankless Job
Director: I guess he was too busy measuring gonads. That's what he does -- measures gonads.
11 West Jones Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: How big are they?
10AM I'm One Cosmo Quiz Away from Sexual Mastery
Office girl #1: Oh, I love Jane magazine.
Office girl #2: What's that?
Office girl #1: It's a chick magazine, but not so girly. That's why I like it.
Office girl #3: That's why I hate it -- it has, like, articles.
45 West 45th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: RaRa
9AM And, on Special Occasions, Beer
Worker bee: In a perfect world everyone should smell like pizza.
Hemel Hempstead
UK
Overheard by: I'd prefer fresh-cut grass
5PM Thin People Don't Need to Like Their Food As Much As I Do
Heavy lady #1: God, I'm on this new diet, and I'm having a hard time staying on it.
Heavy lady #2: Is it the soup diet?
Heavy lady #1: Yeah... All I've had to eat today was a half bowl of soup.
Heavy lady #2: Did you eat the banana yet?
Heavy lady #1: No, I tried. I don't really like bananas.
504 Lavaca Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: GangerBanger
4PM She Attended the Finest Charm Schools Rikers Has to Offer
Suit on cell: Did you hear that she peed her pants in the bar? Yes, I am talking about the girl who tried to beat my ass.
2220 Colorado Avenue
Santa Monica, California
3PM They'd Look Like Mating Coral Snakes
Grunt #1: Jack* and Cindy* both wore maroon shirts and pinstripe pants to work today.
Grunt #2: Don't you wish they'd just make out already?
Grunt #1: Totally.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM Um, Hmmm -- Mood Elevators? Second Floor
Sales lady: Hello.
Crazy lady: Don't you talk to me! You don't know me! We don't know each other! You have no right to talk to me!
Rochester, Minnesota
Overheard by: Katie
1PM We Really Need a Sneeze Guard
Worker bee: Sorry, I got my lesbian juices all over it.
200 West 7th Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Phone Slave
12PM If You're Typing That, Don't Send It Right Away
Coworker in response to email she just got: Oh my god, Sandy*, you stupid whore.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: other side of the cube
11AM And If We Hit the Wall, Keep Going
Boss: I really want us to go the whole 11 yards on this.
Employees: [Silence.]
Boss: Oh, sorry! Twelve. We need to go the whole 12 yards.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
10AM You See the Shovel under Glass That Says "Break in Case of Emergency"?
Worker on phone: It's covered in poo -- what do I do?!
Fancy chocolate store, Stony Point Fashion Park
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Yum-yum
9AM They Won't Know and I Won't Tell
Coworker #1: I brought these back from vacation. Would you like to try a chocolate-covered ant?
Coworker #2: No, thank you. I'm a vegetarian.
Coworker #1: But they're dead!
Tremont Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Monkey in the Box Office
5PM And I Wrote for SNL During Those Crappy Years
Coworker #1: Hey, can you download this script for me: 'I'm in Hell.'
Coworker #2: Oh my god, what happened? You were fine just a second ago! What's that script you want called?
Coworker #1: 'I'm in Hell,' and I'm fine.
Coworker #2: That's weird, having a script called 'I'm fine' when you're in Hell.
Coworker #1: No, not 'I'm fine' -- 'I'm in Hell.'
Coworker #2: Seriously? What's going on?!
Coworker #1: The script is 'I'm in Hell.' And I'm fine.
Coworker #2: Wait, what?
Coworker #1: [Sighs.]
Boss: This is lamest edition of 'Who's on first?' I've ever heard.
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Office Ears
4PM Ready? Okay!
Boss: Put away those pom-poms, young lady -- this is a place of business!
North Cedar Street
Lititz, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michelle
3PM Back Up -- Baby Pool Filled with Acid?!
Girl reporter: So he said, 'I hope you people fall into acid!' Who wishes that?
Guy reporter: Wow, intense.
Girl reporter: Yeah. But the logistics -- who fills the baby pool with acid?
Guy reporter: The terminator fell into acid in T2.
Girl reporter: The Riddler... No, the Joker fell into acid.
Guy reporter: He lived though.
Girl reporter: And tried to kill Batman. So, see? People falling into acid works out badly for the rest of us.
500 West Jefferson Street
Monroe, North Carolina
2PM Only to Women I Really Cared About
Concerned lady coworker: How is Ellen*? Did she find a new job yet?
Ellen's boyfriend: No, she hasn't even looked. Her self-esteem is really bad right now.
Concerned lady coworker: Awww -- you have to tell her she's beautiful every day.
Ellen's boyfriend: No! I can't do it. I won't do it!
Concerned lady coworker: Come on, lie to her. I'm sure you've lied to women before.
11442 West Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
1PM Didn't You Say That Would Result in Complete Proton Reversal?
Cube rat #1: You have the scissors, right?
Cube rat #2: Yeah...
Cube rat #1: Now cut the yellow wire...
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
12PM The Guilt Trip to Bountiful
Boss: When, in the course of your life, you are traveling to the right you will find that you must take the toll road and pay your dues. There is no free road to the right.
Employee: Uh... Can I have my doughnut now?
Bountiful, Utah
Overheard by: tkt
11AM Ask Any New Yorker
Woman coming in from outside: It's really human out there.
Man: Yeah -- it's not the heat, it's the humanity that will get you every time.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Evan
10AM And Each Evening I Hose Down the Sidewalk
Manager on phone: Yeah, I've got a little apartment on the gay side of the French quarter. Sometimes in the morning I have to beat them off to get out my doorway.
4621 West Napoleon Avenue
Metairie, Louisiana
Overheard by: PeauxBoy
9AM When Nuns Teach Sex Ed
Customer service rep: I don't know what that is, but let me explain it to you.
Wallingford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Cubicle Co-Worker
5PM Army Recruiters Are Born, Not Made
Little kid: Hey, you want to come to my birthday party? It's all about hunting and killing and stuff.
TA: Um, I'll think about it.
Little kid: Listen, your mom isn't your boss anymore.
Sherwood Street
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Casey
4PM By Then It's Too Late
Lady peon: What do you call those cows that you eat?
114 New Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: russ
3PM Almost Everyone's, I Think
Waiter: Is it your birthday today?
Customer: No.
Waiter: Oh, sorry. It's just that there are a lot of birthdays this year.
Minot, North Dakota
Overheard by: Taggart Snyder
2PM So How Old Are You, Loser-Boy?
Drone #1: Hey, where were you Saturday night? The ladies were all up on this.
Drone #2: I went to a birthday party.
Drone #1: Hehehehe... What a dumb waste of time. Whose birthday party was it?
Drone #2: Mine.
Drone #1: Oh... Happy birthday.
377 South Oyster Bay Road
Plainview, New York
Overheard by: tonyg
1PM But I Understand That Hooters Girls Can Be Scary
Senior director to group of scientists: Well, it's not like they're just licking each other's boobies!
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: marblecargirl
12PM But Since You're Standing Right Here, I Can Just Tell You in Person
Boss: Can we talk for a few minutes?
Colleague: In a minute. I need to finish writing nasty emails to staff who don't learn.
Boss: We can't write nasty emails! We have to be encouraging.
Colleague: Dear sir, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that you are a complete idiot...
Australia
11AM And He Said, "I'd Prefer Reparations"
White HR director: I've never touched someone's head like that before! I touched it, and it was all wavy. I told him, you're the first African-American person's head I've ever touched. You should feel honored.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Just an office girl...
10AM Isn't Everyone's?
Photographer: Are you saying my cock is funny?
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
9AM And He's Not a Cop!
Name-dropper: I know a guy who's been on Cops twice!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Quizno
5PM And FEMA Said They'd Take a Couple of Days to Get Here
Cube dweller: Dude, there's like fucking rivers coming out of my uterus.
850 Broadway
Medford, Massachusetts
4PM You'd Think We'd Have Made Peace with Ourselves by Now
Cube rat #1: Damn, you had braces for seven years and your teeth are still that fucked up?
Cube rat #2: Yeah? You've been on a diet for two years and your ass is still that fat?
Trenton, New Jersey
3PM But I Speak a Smattering of Moron
Coworker on phone: No, sir, I am not an idiot.
Chicago, Illinois
2PM ... In a Hypothetical World Where I Play D&D
Coworker #1: We should start a D&D game.
Coworker #2: Yeah. Let's ask Ben* if he wants to play, too!
Coworker #1, yelling to Ben: Hey, want to play D&D later?
Ben, yelling back: No! I don't play D&D!
Coworker #2: We thought you'd be a good Druid.
Ben, yelling back: Fuck that, I'm a thief acrobat!
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Will
1PM In Totally Unrelated News, My Voodoo Doll Works
Office peon on phone: Hey, you know what? I have even more Earth-shattering news for you. Apparently Paula Abdul broke her nose this weekend trying to step over her Chihuahua!
171 Nepean Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: I to the Sac
12PM You Always Take a Weird Exit off the Conversation Highway
Bible-thumping coworker: It's my son's 35th birthday today. I can't believe my oldest is going to be 35.
Normal coworker: Oh? How many children do you have?
Bible-thumping coworker: Let's see... I have three biological and one spiritual. But we're much more than spiritual, really. It's like we have this connection.
Normal coworker, to herself: Riiiiight.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM Time for a Conversation with Jessica Simpson
Hardhat: Don't eat the tuna salad in the cafeteria. It made me throw up.
Suit: Food poisoning takes a while. How long did it take to make you sick?
Hardhat: About 5 seconds. All I can figure is, someone must've put fish in it - I'm allergic to fish.
7th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM The Real Battle Is between Flesh and Synthetic Fibers
Coworker #1: So how did your tennis match go last night?
Brad*: Um, I'd rather not talk about it.
Coworker #2: Nobody wins when Brad wears tennis shorts.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
9AM Internet, Eh?
Client: Who owns the Internet?
Sales guy: Nobody.
Client: Well, somebody's making money!
Web design firm
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: office peon
5PM We Don't Allow Any Outside Food or Textbooks in Our Establishment
Employee: Welcome to ABC Theaters*. What can I do for you today?
Collegiate: Do you have a student discount?
Employee: I'm sorry, sir, ABC does not believe in education.
299 Swannanoa River Road
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Got my GED
4PM Nixed Greens
Coworker #1: I am going across the street to get something to eat. Do you ladies want anything?
Coworker #2: Do you want to bring me back a salad?
Coworker #1: Not really... I was just being courteous.
North University and Fletcher Streets
Michigan
3PM Go to Easy Street and Make a U-Turn
Drone #1: I hate moving. My stuff's everywhere. I'm living in squalor!
Drone #2: I don't know where that is.
Glen Lake Drive
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: sladeripfire
2PM I Refuse to Look and I Refuse to Say
Female coworker to male coworker: Do these pants make me look like I have a penis?
Lisbon Street
Lewiston, Maine
1PM But First I Want Them to Pay
Young woman: Do you want your patients to die?
Older woman: Well, that would be one approach.
Rochester, New York
12PM Next Time, Aim Lower Than a Police Car
Woman on phone: What do you mean, you never thought you would get caught in a stolen car?!
Columbia Business Park
Columbia, South Carolina
11AM There Was Also Some Mention of the Spitting
Former secretary: They fired me! Can you believe that? They fired me because they said I had a shitty fuckin' attitude!
Student government office
New York, New York
Overheard by: Still laughing
10AM In What Capacity, I Will Not Say
IT manager: Sometimes when I'm down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.
West Village
New York, New York
9AM Go Go Gadget Fake-Smile!
Employee, loudly and angrily into walkie: I am implementing customer service now!
620 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
5PM Could You Just Stop Talking about Centimeters?
Exec assistant: Fuckin' pregnant chicks...
Preggers: I didn't even get you wet!
Waterloo
Canadia
4PM Somebody's Gotta Do It If We're Gonna Eat 'Em
Tester #1: Don't mess with me like that. I'm cracked out on Vitamin C.
Tester #2: You know, too much Vitamin C makes you itch. Itch like crazy. Itchy scratchy.
Tester #1: Who told you that?
Tester #2: My grandma.
Tester #1: Didn't your grandma kill chickens?
Tester #2: That's beside the point.
1555 Wil