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May 2007 Archives
5PM Oh, and Smallpox Victims!
Boss: Oh, you met Beth* from the London office? How old did she look?
Woman on phone: Oh, well, she looked older than me, so she must in her 50s. Then again, sometimes people look older than me, but they turn out to be only 35.
Boss: Cigarette smokers.
Woman on phone: ... And meth addicts.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: 22 and never doing meth
4PM Newton's Last Law
Office peon: No matter how many pairs of underwear you have, if you don't do your laundry, eventually you will run out.
501 Jackson Street
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Laughing at everyone
3PM Because If So, Yes
Office drone #1: Have you ever been to Chinatown for dim sum?
Office drone #2: Is that a drug?
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Until My Bicycle Seat Fell Off
Office grunt: I never realized how hard metal was.
2201 Main Street
Williamsville, New York
1PM Okay, How Real a Meeting Is It?
Boss: I want Joan* helicoptered into this afternoon's meeting.
Peon: But Joan works in this building. She could just walk.
Boss: I wasn't being literal -- it's a metaphysical helicopter.
Aberdeen
Scotland
Overheard by: metaphysical, my arse
12PM Being Filled with Salty Remorse
Chick shoving sandwich at guy: Do you want this?
Guy: No, why? You don't want it?
Chick: No, I'm stuffed. I just had an ass-load of salami.
Guy: So, what does that feel like?
401 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: brooklynhero
11AM I Won't Even Sleep with a Man Who's Had Braces
Grad student: I'm just incapable of mounting anything remotely straight.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
10AM Whatever. Distract Him While I Get the Rope
Exasperated meeting contact: I think the temp I hired is mildly retarded, so I'm going to need your help with this.
Concierge: My mother drank and smoked while pregnant with me.
Penn and Liberty Avenues
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
9AM And I'm Going to Be Completely Rigid about This
Old maid boss: Do you have a boner over there?
Young male worker, confused: I'm sorry, what?
Old maid boss: A boner. For folding paper [holds up knife]. Do you have one?
Young male worker: How can you seriously be calling it that? I know you know what that means.
Old maid boss: No, I know you need one if you don't have one. I'll get another one.
Young male worker: I know you know what that means. I know you know what that means. I don't want anything to do with it.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
5PM That's Not Baggage -- Those Are Wedding Gifts
Suit hanging up phone: I am so done with married chicks -- they have too much baggage.
3250 42nd Street
New York, New York
4PM Dude, People Drink Out of That!
Office engineer #1: Why are you washing your hands in the water cooler?
Office engineer #2: Oh, I was playing with my dirty, failed parts.
Oil pump company
Claremore, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Tony
3PM Plus, You Know How They All Make Sweeping Generalizations
Suit #1: He was an okay analyst and he knew a lot about the markets, but--
Suit #2, interrupting: --So what was the problem?
Suit #1: Well, he was from the South so he couldn't write very well.
110 Wall Street
New York, New York
2PM No, No, Wait -- It's the One with Mr. Toad, Right?
Ad rep #1: The best movie is on TV tonight.
Ad rep #2: What movie is that?
Ad rep #1: Gone with the Wind.
Ad rep #2: Is that the same as...? No, that's A Walk in the Clouds.
Programmers: What?!
Ad rep #2: I got confused -- they're similar. Well, which one is Gone with the Wind?
Ad rep #1: It has Clark Gable.
Ad rep #2: Is that the guy that played Superman?
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
1PM Where's Your Savior Now, Fatty?
Coworker secretly returning another's bag of snacks while clutching stomach: Good God. This must be how those people who are eating that 200-pound, anatomically correct chocolate Jesus feel. Pardon me while I unbutton my pants so I can breathe.
300 North McKemy Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM Very '80s
Worker #1: Wow, that's a large bush, Pat*.
Worker #2: Yeah...
Worker #1: I mean, it's nice! Do you think it's large?
Worker #2: A little, but I like it.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: stephanie
11AM Their Alliance with the Sundae Lobby Was a Stroke of Genius
Coworker: You keep hearing all this stuff about cherries being good for you. They're actually not that good for you. It's just what the people in northern Michigan say to get you to buy their cherries!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
10AM You're Not Supposed to Call Your Kids on Company Time
Woman, before using phone: Don't listen to me -- I have to lie.
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Okay, Now Explain 'Compooter'
Oblivious female boss flipping through magazine: Oooh, pooter! I love pooter.
Startled worker: What?!
Oblivious female boss: Look -- pooter letter openers!
Startled worker: Um, that word is actually pronounced 'pewter.' [Under his breath] Christ.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
5PM So... Yes
Spanish teacher, in Spanish: Margarita, what are you doing today?
Margarita: [Mutters something in Spanish.]
Student: Did you just say, 'I'm planning to attend the party where it is raining babies'?
Margarita: Baby shower. I'm going to a baby shower!
Community college
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
4PM I Want to See the Baby Eat the Cobra
Art director: Does anyone want to see a baby wrestle a cobra?
West Sahara Avenue
Las Vegas, Nevada
3PM Ideas Need to Be Kept Isolated from Each Other
Ad rep running to office for Post-Its: I need my stickies, I need my stickies, I need my stickies! I get nervous without my stickies...
Texas
Overheard by: it's a good thing she's pretty
2PM It Would Also Succinctly Communicate What I Think of Our Mission Statement
Peon to another at two-hour mark in meeting: I'd poop in my chair if I thought it would make this meeting more interesting.
Lakewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Couldn't have hurt -- mighta helped
1PM We Should Talk Like This Less Often
Cube rat #1: I can't explain my parents. They will have a problem with me dating a black guy, but the funny thing is my sister married a Jewish guy and they don't seem to care. And, you know, what's the difference between a black man and a white man? It's just different skin colors. But there are real differences between Christian and Jewish people.
Cube rat #2: You're absolutely right. Jewish people go to church on Saturday.
Cube rat #11: That's right.
Cube rat #12: And they peel their food.
Madison Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: People in the Sun
12PM The "T" Is Silent but Deadly
Receptionist: Farce? Is that like farts?
352 7th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Have a Problem with, Uh, Premature Firing
Customer to help desk support: My gun told me to call you guys.
Airport Road
Roanoke, Virginia
Overheard by: Alan
10AM I Always Say Friendly Fire Is Better Than No Fire
Boss on phone: I'm the entrepreneur type -- I shoot from the hip. I figure I'll fix it when I'm finished messing it up.
Hayward Avenue
Carteret, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jay-B
9AM I Forgot That We Outsource Our Fraud
Employee: I can't process this according to your instructions.
Boss: Why's that?
Employee: It's against federal law.
Boss: I'll have someone else do it.
Seattle, Washington
5PM In the Crisper, behind the Lettuce
Female boss: We need to add more scrotum!
Male designer: ... Are you serious?
Female boss: Yeah, apparently we're missing a few.
Male designer: Got it. Where's the scrotum?
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: The Other Designer
4PM In Fact, That's Our Firm's Three-Prong Test for Fun
Attorney to another: You are always a lot of fun when your dress ends up around your waist. Or your head. Or your feet.
1 Indiana Square
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Amanda
3PM Reminded Me Why I Hate Calling Home
Manager: Earlier today my dad almost got eaten alive by our chickens.
7th Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM Really? That Much, Huh?
Boss on phone with client: So, what's been going on? In a new company? You spreading your legs and taking it all in?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: only female in the office
1PM Thank God for Instant Replay
Coworker: I can't remember if he used two fingers or three...
Metcalf Avenue
Overland Park, Kansas
12PM The Goats Don't Care for It, Though
Lab guy on cell: What did you just say to me? Oh, goat porn! Yeah, I like goat porn, too.
Science center
Long Island, New York
11AM So Let's Just Tell Them There Are WMDs
IT manager: As long as we try to maintain intelligence, a lot of people are going to get confused.
Tonopah, Arizona
10AM Pick Up! I Know You're There!
Coworker on cell when it starts ringing: Oh, crap. I think I just called myself.
Rockville, Maryland
9AM Not Bad Enough to Quit, Not Good Enough to Enjoy
Employee: Hello, and welcome to XYZ Store*. How are you today?
Suit: Um, I'm alright. How are you?
Employee, shrugging half-heartedly: I work at XYZ Store.
Suit: Oh, right. Sorry.
Electronics store
New York, New York
Overheard by: I'll try and be nicer to them from now on
5PM I'm Deeply Ambivalent about the Constitution
Employee, about jury duty: I figure if they're in court, they're guilty of something, or why would they be there?
323 East Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Dunder Mifflin
4PM Should Be Tattooed on Your Inner Thigh
Sales guy to customer: Can I have your date of birth and expiration date?
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
Overheard by: Nikki
3PM On the Plus Side, I Can't See the Band at Rolling Stones Concerts
Short coworker behind tall coworker's chair: I wish I were tall enough to hover more effectively.
Roseville Road
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: BanditCat
2PM Nobody Said a Word about Functionality
Quality manager: Well, why doesn't it work?
Software manager: Because we didn't write it that way.
Redmond, Washington
1PM A Career in Bioethics Is Waiting for You!
Auto salesman: When are you due?
Young woman: Two weeks. I can't wait for this to be over.
Auto salesman: This is just the beginning! The baby is much more work.
Young woman: No, I mean, I can't wait to not be such a fatass. I hate fat people.
Auto salesman: Uh-huh.
Young woman: Can you imagine how many people get abortions because they don't want to be fat?
Auto salesman, after long pause: I can honestly say that no, I cannot imagine that.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Purely horrified
12PM Grandma: These Rocks Ain't Gonna Move Themselves!
Coworker on phone: Granny was outside talkin' with the crack fiend. I was like, 'Granny, get away from that crack fiend!'
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: katie
11AM The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Icebox
Employee: So, there was nothing in the fridge? Just the dog?
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dani
10AM What's Wrong with Your Tact?
Nurse #1: Oh my god, what's wrong with your face?!
Nurse #2: Um... Nothing.
Nurse #1: ... Oh.
Kansas
Overheard by: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock
9AM Miranda, You Get an Exemption 'til Your Eyebrows Grow Back
Boss: Okay, who's not afraid of fire?
McLean, Virginia
5PM A Little Cerebral, Though
Suit: I don't like movies with subtitles. You spend all your time reading instead of watching the movie.
Lady suit: Uh-huh.
Suit: Oh, I saw Wild Hogs this weekend. It was a hoot.
7 Hanover Square
New York, New York
4PM Of Course, That's Just a Projection
Office peon: Dammit, I couldn't get this done... even if I did work.
Arizona
3PM I Also Hope What I Just Swallowed Was Actually a Jelly Bean
Hot lady peon, after spilling candy: I hope he doesn't come by while I'm on the floor eating his jelly beans.
3900 Paramount Parkway
Morrisville, North Carolina
Overheard by: kevin
2PM Massive -- Why?
Purchaser on phone: No, no, the price is fine. I'm just a little concerned about the thickness of the shaft... How exactly is it lubricated? ... Well, yeah, with that kind of thickness you are talking major lubrication...
Manufacturing company offices
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Salty
1PM They Seem to Follow You around the Room
Coworker on phone: But he always says, 'I can't dance, I can't dance...' No, it's because his breasts jiggle around when he swings his hips, and he's so insecure about his breasts. That's why he can't meet any girls -- his breasts move whenever he dances.
Austin, Texas
12PM Or One Person, for Seven and a Half Hours
Client: I just want to touch a hundred and fifty people a day for three minutes.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: 1 or 2 at a time?
11AM Except for Some Reason I Keep Getting Pregnant
Coworker: If I ever have a kid, I'm going to send them to Catholic school. I went to Catholic school and I feel I got a gooder education.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
10AM He's Been Cultivating That Line Since the First Time He Saw Ethan Hawke
Old coworker: What the hell is that on your chin?
Hipster coworker: I'm growing out my goatee.
Old coworker: Why the fuck would you do that?
Hipster coworker: A girl last night at the bar told me it looks sexy.
Old coworker: It looks like a buffer pad for a high speed cocksucker.
43 West 42nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: You'll Get Crumbs In It
9AM If You Want Something Done, Straddle a Busy Person
Boss: She straddles a lot of balls in the air. She has the energy to straddle all of these balls.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Can't You Hear the Quotation Marks, You Little Punk?
Teacher: Can you say, 'Open the door' in Spanish?
Preschooler: Open the door in Spanish.
Learning center
Bloomington, Indiana
4PM Why All Her Kids Are Adopted
Coworker, after boss made big volunteerism speech: I don't want to do anything where there's the possibility of seeing something gross.
Little Rock, Arkansas
Overheard by: that's the spirit
3PM A Struggle for Survival Helps Youngsters Put Things into Perspective
Employee: Sounds like your kid might need to get some professional help.
Boss: You know what I wanna do? Give that kid a fucking Valium and send him off to a wilderness camp!
Employee: Uh...
Florida
2PM Which, by the Way, Don't Knock Unless You've Tried
CSR: Do you know the part number of the item you are looking for?
Customer: It's C-S...
CSR: C-S? As in 'cat sandwich'?
Braintree, Massachusetts
1PM I Just Wouldn't Eat It Afterwards
Boss: I thought you were a vegetarian.
Employee: That doesn't mean I wouldn't kick a possum!
1550 Timothy Road
Athens, Georgia
Overheard by: Travis Roberts
12PM Important Safety Tip, Ian -- Thanks!
Coworker #1: So, I got my girlfriend to give me a wax job on the weekend -- y'know -- down there.
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah? How was that? Nice?
Coworker #1: No... She waxed my piercing off through the skin.
Coworker #2: Shit!
Coworker #1: Yeah...
Government Department
London
England
11AM Exactly How I Get People to Work Weekends
Senior manager: Hi, honey, how was your day?
Kid on speakerphone: If you were here, you'd know.
42nd Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Should Have Just Used Duct Tape
Receptionist: ... And let me just tell you, those at-home wart freezers do not work on your poonani.
Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Glad I wore my space suit
9AM Just People with Bad Hair Making Fun of People with Good Hair
Foreign coworker: What does it mean, 'nappy-headed hos'?
333 Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Been Carrying It Since Last Tango in Paris
Guy: Man, having cigarettes without a lighter is like having peanuts without the jelly!
Lady: Don't you mean butter?
Guy: Oh, no. I got the butter.
1450 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: smoking some distance away
4PM Pay No Attention to My Hooves
Realtor: Want a cookie?
Investor: Nah, I can't -- it's not kosher.
Realtor: Sure it is.
Investor: No, I can't. I'm Jewish. I gotta abide by the law.
Realtor: Come on, it's just one cookie.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Amused assistant
3PM So I Just Tell Them to Go Home
Girl: How many pieces of fish in the six pack?
Manager: Are you serious?
Girl: Well, I don't know what to say to customers.
Brisbane, Queensland
Australia
2PM ... Nor What State We Started In
VP on phone: Yeah, what's wrong?
Niece on speaker phone: We're lost. Can you pull up a map or something?
VP: Where are you and where are you going?
Niece: We're going somewhere in Massachusetts, and we don't know what state we're in.
316 Warren Avenue
Front Royal, Virginia
Overheard by: not the dumbest anymore
1PM Syntax Error
Boss: Your code no longer doesn't not fail.
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Eric
12PM No One Keeps Secrets from Accounts Receivable
A/R girl: Your crotch is all done.
Billing: Okay, thanks. Now I can walk around and not worry about indecency.
A/R girl: Yeah. So if it comes apart again just bring it back in and I'll stitch your crotch back together.
Bedford Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: medieval much?
11AM He's the Go-To Guy for Reproduction Problems
Receptionist on door intercom: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay [hangs up]. Bob*, a guy from RICO is here to service you.
Hangar Place
Allentown, Pennsylvania
10AM Even One's Probably Too Many
Woman: That's why I'm glad I only have one kid -- I can't keep up with all the names.
Sunset Boulevard
Lexington, South Carolina
Overheard by: LL
9AM Inconvenient, but True
Chick: I can't pee when the janitor is in there.
Dude: What, it throws you off? Try peeing while Al Gore is peeing right next to you on his phone. I usually just turn around and walk right back out.
King Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: misnomer
5PM Or the Sharpest Bulb in the Shed, for That Matter
Coworker #1: My son is hanging out with the stupidest kid...
Coworker #2: What do you mean?
Coworker #1: He's not exactly the brightest knife in the drawer.
Airport Drive
Green Bay, Wisconsin
4PM Well Said, Mr. Secretary!
Office grunt: This water is so cold. It's like liquid ice.
1401 Constitution Avenue NE
Washington, DC
3PM Dubya: Can We Get a Constitutional Amendment to That Effect?
Coworker #1: Tell me I'm crazy.
Coworker #2: You're crazy.
Coworker #1: Yeah, Helen* totally caught me checking out Bob* yesterday.
Coworker #2: You're crazy, 'cause he's gay...
Coworker #1: So, what? Gays aren't allowed to look good?
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Gaia
2PM It's Just Confusing Me
Media agency lady: Yeah, I met one of your constituents last week.
Sales rep: Well, that would be Ted*, I'm guessing.
Media agency lady: No, it was some sweet young thing.
Sales rep: Oh, well, then that would be Mindy*.
Media agency lady, laughing: Yeah, it was Mindy. Mindy is a piece of work [laughs harder].
Sales rep, chuckling nervously: Wow, that makes me want to ask you so many questions!
Media agency lady, wiping tears from her eyes: Yeah, I bet it does... None of which I would answer, but the fact that you want to ask them should tell you something.
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM Translation: Whatever You Do Will Have to Be Done Over
Project manager: We need to get the turnover rate for the past 12 months.
Database admin: I have that. I can give you the turnover for the past year.
Project manager: Great! We'll also need it for the previous 12 months.
Database admin: I'm confused -- isn't the past 12 months the previous 12 months?
Project manager: Yes.
1055 Lenox Park Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Iga
12PM What's Sweeter Than Getting Paid Not to Work?
Early bird #1: Our system is down.
Early bird #2: Crap. Well, that's okay. I really didn't feel like doing anything today, anyway.
Early bird #1: I guess maybe around eight someone in corporate will come in and get us rollin'.
Early bird #2: I don't think they get in until 8:45.
Early bird #1: I guess we just hang out, then!
Early bird #2, going to cubicle: Actually, it's Friday, so we probably won't hear anything from corporate until after nine... At least we have the Internet! Wait! Oh my god, do we have the Internet?!
Early bird #1: Yup, already checked. Internet is up!
Early bird #2: We're good, then.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM So Doing It to Jews Is Okay?
Man reading aloud from newspaper: North Carolina law describes malicious castration as cutting off, maiming or disfiguring a person's gentiles...
725 West Golf Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Overheard by: Gentile Intactus
10AM Stop Calling It That! It's Just an Unclaimed Drink
Barista to another after calling out drink orders: So, uh, what are you going to do with the dead body?
Starbucks
Burbank, California
Overheard by: rambunkcious
9AM But I Won't Let It Spoil My Peyote High
Manager: Your breath alcohol came back at point 09. We are going to have to term your contract, and you can get a taxi to go get your stuff out of your truck and find a way home.
Driver: That's a bummer.
7238 Western Select Drive
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: I'm Having a Good Day!
5PM At Least I Can Stop Eating
Salesman: I'm just trying to help you! Every time I see you you're eating.
Purchasing manager, mouth full of cookies: Every time I see you you're ugly.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
4PM Or Possibly a More Competent Lawyer
Programmer #1: I don't think my brother has been out of jail for Christmas or his birthday for the last six years.
Programmer #2: Maybe you should get him a subscription to Playboy?
Programmer #1: I was thinking cigarettes.
Tech center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: so glad I'm not related
3PM Like Its Namesake
Editor: Did he use the word 'genitalia' at all?
Older editor: Or 'goodies'?
20-something female reporter: It's such a Latin-sounding word.
Older editor: I know, 'goodies' really is.
20-something female reporter: Genitalia. It's such a beautiful word. It just rolls right off the tongue.
Newsroom, Main Street
Cortland, New York
Overheard by: Quietly Working at My Desk
2PM Only One of Those Can Be Eliminated
Director of nursing: I mean, you gotta be able to recognize the signs and be able to say, 'That's not a fear of dying, that's constipation!'
Hospice
Denver, Colorado
1PM This Job Never Gets Any Easier, Does It?
CSR: The best way to get through lasers is break dancing!
Columbus, Ohio
12PM A Series of Humiliating Tests Ensued
Customer: I want to return this breast pump. It doesn't work.
Manager: What's wrong with it?
Customer: It doesn't suck!
Store
Fort Worth, Texas
11AM Right Near Where They Have the Running of the Frogs?
New art director: This product line is called Madrid, right?
Creative director: Yes.
New art director: So why do you want me to look for images of the south of France?
Creative director: Isn't Madrid on the coast of France?
325 Model Farm Road
High Point, North Carolina
Overheard by: I could find that on a map
10AM The Interns? I Think a Lot More
Worker bee: How many more times are you going to touch those?
Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
9AM When English's Ambiguities Come Home to Roost
Writer handing director a piece of peppermint bark: Be careful. It's very hard on your teeth.
Designer: It can really do some damage.
Marketing director: You guys are going about it all wrong. You have to learn to eat it like a beaver.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM It's in Our Strategic Plan
Manager in meeting: We'll hit that bridge when we come to it.
London
England
4PM What Kind of Mushroom Omelette Was That?
Accountant: I don't know which color is green, but one color is green, and one color is white.
Office girl: What about red?
Accountant: I'm not so sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
3PM And It Involves Singing Bears?
Account executive: Is child porn wrong if only children see it?
330 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Mr. Hennesey Beat the Chimps at Poo Flinging
English teacher: I didn't actually get kicked out of the zoo, but they did scold me and said I couldn't come back anymore.
West Santa Clara Street
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: What did he do to those animals?
1PM Surgeon General: We're Mandating Filtered Conversations from Now On
Cube rat: So, does he know that you gave him herpes? You know, it's one thing to give him herpes, but his daughters, too?!
Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM They Could, but They Don't Have To
Blonde #1: I think Starbucks made the fire alarm go off in our building so that everyone from our building would go there and get a coffee.
Blonde #2: Oh my god, can they do that?
West 6th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Some Lives May Be Better Unexamined
Canadian arborist: Check it out. I can streamline the camera in the town square back at home in Brandon. I called my dad and told him to drive by and wave. Sometimes, if you watch long enough, you can see someone crash.
Westchester, New York
10AM Now I Might Actually Have to Talk to Him!
Bimbette: I need a shorter stud for my Monroe piercing 'cause I can't go down on my boyfriend. And... I like to do that.
Piercer: That sucks for both of you then, because you can't have a shorter stud in yet.
Bimbette: I can't suck dick! [Her mom leaves the store.]
Lake Forest, California
Overheard by: indigo_dream
9AM If Those Are the Choices
Forklift driver: I need to reload this overweight [truck]. Do I need to unload the ass to put these two in the belly, or should I just throw them on?
Supervisor: Really, I would prefer them in the ass.
Iowa
5PM I'm Too Ashamed
Cashier: Oh, I'm sorry, it says your funds are insignificant. Maybe you should call your bank?
917 East Broadway
Tempe, Arizona
4PM But It Looks Like It's Me, and Not the Room
Associate: What's up, Dave*? Did you get a promotion?
Managing director at secretary's desk: No, I just hate the person I've become when I'm in my office.
452 5th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Six Sigma Is All about Eliminating Defects
Quality manager: If I told you what I know...
Salesman: You'd have to kill Charles*?
Quality manager: No... That's not a bad idea, though.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
2PM Flog Him, Let Him Lick His Wounds, Take Him for Drinks
Partner #1: What's on the agenda for my meeting with Jerry*?
Partner #2: Ask whether his HIV is full-blown AIDS. Find out if he's using client money to pay for his crystal meth habit. Ask if he's ready to face the NASD, SIPC, and SEC.
2999 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM I Got Bored of Throwing Pencils Up There
Wifey on phone: Why didn't you answer your cell phone?
Office peon: I can't answer my cell phone! It's in the ceiling!
Wifey: What do you mean, 'it's in the ceiling'?
Office peon: Exactly what you fucking think I mean! It's in the fucking ceiling!
5900 Howard Street
Skokie, Illinois
Overheard by: Electrical Estimator
11AM Never Trust a Man to Navigate
Waiter: She did not like it in the ass.
Waitress: Really?
Waiter: At first, I mean.
Waitress: But as she got more and more drunk, it felt better?
Waiter: I don't know about better, but she stopped yelling.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM And Spell It for the Court Reporter
Lobbyist: Who's your favorite consultant?! Who?! Say my name!
K Street
Washington, DC
9AM It'd Almost Be Worth the Lawsuits
Owner of company: That, coming out of a midget, would kick ass!
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
5PM So How about Dinner on Friday?
Sales manager: My husband and I used that new KY warming gel last night, and I thought of you.
Female sales assistant: Ummm, could you please not think of me while you're having sex?
Sales manager: No, what I mean is...
Female sales assistant: No. Please, just stop.
Brentwood, Tennessee
Overheard by: sex object
4PM And I'm All Paid Up
Coworker on phone: Well, this dinosaur works better than your new Mercedes!
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
3PM Boss: And Take Some Work with You!
Cube rat #1: Hey, does it smell like poop over here?
Cube rat #2: What?
Cube rat #1: I farted -- it smells bad over here.
Cube rat #2: That's so gross, dude!
Cube rat #1: I have too much work to do! I don't have time to go to the bathroom!
Cube rat #2: Go to the bathroom!
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
2PM It's Cheaper for the Company to Hire New Workers
Office grunt: I wish they would come to see if our workplace is killing us.
11 4th Street
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: cuberat
1PM I'd Give Anything to Be As Miserable As You
Broker #1: I'm getting a divorce.
Broker #2: No way, man. You're lying.
Broker #1, sadly: I wouldn't lie about that.
Broker #2: Oh, now, you're just saying that to make me jealous.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
12PM It's Always in the Last Place You Look
Pregnant teen cashier: Where is my prostate?
Coworker: Uhhh...
South Carolina
11AM Weigh It, and Subtract the Weight of an Empty Bottle
Customer: These new labels are awful. Just awful! Why did you change them? I hate them.
Pharmacist: I'm sorry, sir, but I don't have any control over the labels.
Customer: They don't even tell me when it's time to refill my 'scription. When am I supposed to refill my 'scription?
Pharmacist: ... When you run out of medication, sir.
Customer: Well, how in the hell am I supposed to know that?
CVS/Pharmacy
High Point, North Carolina
10AM Meet the Inventors of Sudokucaine
Coworker #1: I remember trying heroin once. It was the only time I managed to beat my aunt at Scrabble.
Coworker #2: Dude, that's like doing coke and kicking back with a puzzle!
600 Anton Boulevard
Costa Mesa, California
9AM Is That Cheese?
Secretary: I've got a bad rash in between my boobs.
Coworker: Uh...
Secretary: See, it's really bad.
Coworker: Uh... [tries to look away but is too slow].
Secretary, smelling her fingers: It smells real bad, too.
Liberty and Division Street
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Violated
5PM Cheap-Ass Company Won't Buy Us Any Paper
Lady peon: Oh, for fuck's sake! I'm going to have to draw on my breasts now.
Bolton, Lancashire
United Kingdom
4PM ... The Bank, Too? You're Killing Me Here!
Manager: Where is the post office? Who even goes to the post office? That's just stupid!
Canal Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM If You Know What I Mean
Coworker: In five seconds I'm giving up and giving my fish a bath.
1275 Broadway
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Sally
2PM That's When I Remember I Have Super Powers
Guy: This is about the time where I start feeling... not right. Like there's something flowing through my body other than blood.
Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC
1PM See, There's Another Great Thing about Western Values
Abs instructor pointing out muscle groups: That's the great thing about being the instructor -- you get to touch.
Army base
Iraq
Overheard by: The Touched
12PM Lest My Hostile Work Environment Leak Out
Sleazy office manager: She's got it going on! I'd fuck the shit out of her in a heartbeat! Oops, I should probably close the door.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
11AM It's Good to Get the Roles Sorted Out before the Hooker Arrives
Boss on phone: Yeah, I'll bring the bottle of wine tomorrow... No, the plan is you make fun of my gout and then tease me with the bottle... Okay, great, see you then.
2694 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Covert Kitten
10AM They Failed to Change the Filter, Though
Lawyer: So, you can recall that you've had at least one abortion.
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: So, was this an overnight procedure or something like an outpatient procedure?
Witness: Oh, it was in and out -- just like changing oil.
Court reporter: [Gasps.]
Norfolk, Virginia
9AM Groucho Marx: How the Elephant Got Me Out of My Pajamas I'll Never Know
Marketing manager justifying event expenses: It costs a lot for a naked elephant ride these days. Not like it used to be.
980 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
5PM As Long As There Was Enough Glade on Hand
Coworker #1: Oh, that sounded like a queef.
Coworker #2: I had a friend who could roll over and queef on command.
Coworker #1: Wow! That would be a great party trick.
Washington Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Oh! That's Much Worse
Female coworker: Paul*, did you stick your finger in the machine last night?
Macon Avenue
Asheville, North Carolina
3PM Therapeutically and Preventatively
Chick: Nice flowers!
Dude: Yeah, I had a bad day yesterday and treated myself. You ever have one of those?
Chick: Yeah, but I just drink.
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
2PM NewsFlash: Indianapolis Churro Scandal!
Newbie: I need to use the restroom.
Waiter: If you need to shit you'd better get here before the Mexicans get in the employee bathroom. I don't know what the fuck they eat, but their shit smells like it has sugar on it.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM Oooh, Little Cuts!
Husband: They have fajitas.
Wife: I don't like ordering Mexican food from non-Mexican restaurants.
Husband: You don't like anything.
Wife: I like lots of things!
Husband: Liar!
Wife, after repeatedly hitting husband with menu: I liked that!
TGIFriday's
Bowling Green, Kentucky
12PM Like Me, the Audience Would Be Small, but Devoted
Desk jockey #1: Do you ever think you might be the star of your own Truman show?
Desk jockey #2: Man, that would be a show with a lot of wanking!
Munster Road
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Marshall
11AM Attempts to Recycle Them Were Not Well-Received
Sales guy: I went to a funeral once, and everyone there got a packet of the cremated remains.
Sales girl: That's a nice parting gift!
Sales guy: Well, we were all supposed to disperse them somewhere. Mine sat on my mantle for about a month. Then I finally threw it away.
Sales girl: You sent the person to the dump?! So wrong! So wrong!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Incoming or Outgoing?
Cube dweller: So, do you have any policies about bodily functions?
1800 City Circle
Las Vegas, Nevada
9AM Then I Have Some Bad News about Those Envelopes You Just Licked
Paralegal to friendly lawyer: I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand.
Lawyer: What's your problem? We just saved the firm hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Paralegal: It has nothing to do with that... I'd help to bankrupt an orphanage if it came to it.
Lawyer: Then why won't you shake my hand?
Paralegal: Sir, I was in the bathroom when you took a shit after the meeting, and you didn't wash your hands. That's just disgusting.
725 12th Street NW
Washington, DC
5PM So Much Nicer Than the Blocking
Female legislator: I love professional ball players. They, uh... tackle well.
20 Legislative Plaza
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM Or at Least the Part He's Kissing
Girl: Auntie Dee*, how did you know Uncle Frank* was in there.
Auntie Dee: Well, Molly*, he's not in the waiting room, so he has to be in there with the doctor.
Boy peering in window to exam rooms: He's kissing that nurse like he knows her!
Doctor's office
Ridgewood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Patiently Waiting
3PM To Talk about It, on the Other Hand...
Suit #1: So, you feeling better today?
Suit #2: Man, I'm never eating Indian again.
Suit #1: Can't have been that bad.
Suit #2: It's just not manly to pee out your bum.
Hospital
England
2PM And Don't We All Want That?
Lady on cell: ... Yeah, that's why he wants to keep the urine acidic...
3940 Quebec Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Cranberry Juice
1PM What Happens When Word-of-the-Day Calendars Don't Include Definitions
Cube dweller: Well, you don't want to be ambiguous in your genocide.
31355 Oak Crest Drive
Westlake Village, California
12PM Are You Kidding? He's Just a Great Actor
Bummed coworker: Aw, man. That's like when I figured out that Bugs Bunny was gay.
14th and 5th
New York, New York
11AM You Can Buy Those Signs at Home Depot
Boss: All signs point to them being assfucks.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Picture Drawer
10AM The Awful Cost of Gays in the Military
Boss storming through office: Fuck those idiots! They couldn't sell pussy to a troop train!
New girl: What about a train? [Long pause] And did he just say 'pussy'?
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: On the laugh train...
9AM And I've Got a Runny Coke-Sniffer
Intern to friend: My dancing-on-the-bar muscles hurt!
Elevator
New York
5PM I Need a Break from Listening to My Wife Go on about It
Employee on phone: Yeah, you know, my dad died last weekend, which is a good thing... Hey, you wanna go fishin'?
Mesa, Arizona
4PM And This Week I'm Retaining Fluid
Security guard: What's your pant size?
Male shop-lifter: I don't know... I just started wearing girls' pants last week.
101 Clearview Circle
Butler, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Charpie
3PM At the End of a Stalk
Girl #1, after male coworker receives huge bouquet of flowers: You know, I wonder if he's doing something to egg her on.
Girl #2: Nah, some girls are like that, you know? It's called stalking.
Girl #1: You know, I knew a girl like that once. She had a glass eye.
5718 Westheimer Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: the things i hear around here
2PM We'll Cycle between Passive-Aggressive and Malicious-Compliance
Peon, about new manager: We can be flexible and try new things and watch it blow up in her face.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM That, and an iPod Nano
Temp: I, like, can't believe I don't have herpes yet.
1212 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
12PM ... Doctor
Attorney on phone: Yeah, I told my wife I'd be home late. We can get together for an hour or two. Can't wait to feel you inside me.
Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM The Best I Can Offer Is a Latex Glove Full of Frosting
Courtesy clerk: Can I help you find something, sir?
Male customer: Yes. I need condoms and cake right now! If I can't get one tonight, I need the other. Can you hurry?
Grocery store
California
Overheard by: Daphne
10AM The War's Gonna Get Expensive If We Have to Care for the Injured
Female suit on cell: I can't understand why they couldn't just fix him up there in Baghdad... It was only his arm... And it was still attached!
North Charleston, South Carolina
9AM She's Teething
Postal clerk: Is there anything fragile, liquid, perishable, or potentially hazardous in this?
Man: Nope, just condoms. Care package for my daughter.
Post office
Jenison, Michigan
Overheard by: On High Alert
5PM It Does, but Not in the Way You Mean
Graphic designer holding two envelopes with different designs: Are you curious?
Marketing coordinator: I dunno... Are you bi-curious?
Graphic designer, stunned: Do you know what that means?
Marketing coordinator: Ummm... Doesn't it mean doubly curious?
401 South Jackson Street
Seattle, Washington
4PM We Know It's Gonna Be Good for Us
Manager: There is a difference between playing with ourselves and playing with our customers.
8033 Lory Student Center, Colorado State University
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Alli
3PM Its Job Is Done
Rail-thin colleague: Do you know that when you're pregnant your brain actually physically shrinks?
Pregnant colleague: Oh, don't tell me that! Everything else gets bigger, and my freaking brain shrinks?!
415 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fertile Bystander
2PM I'll Be Happy If You Show Up on Monday
Boss: I was going to ask you to come in on Saturday, but then I realized what day it was and who you are, so never mind.
Mineola, New York
1PM The Meditations of Barkus Aurelius
Peon #1: It's written mostly from the perspective of the dog...
Peon #2: So is it fiction?
Publisher's office
New York, New York
12PM Brain Food?
Guy: Do you think it's possible to be allergic to... you know?
Girl: No, I don't know...
Guy: Sure you do.
Girl: No, I don't know what 'you know' is!
Guy: Yes, you know!
Girl: What? You mean, like, condoms?
Guy: No, like you know -- vagina...
Girl: Why on earth would anybody be allergic to vagina?!
Guy: Cause, you know, it's like fish.
Customer service call center
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: MBN
11AM Yes, Always. Why Do You Ask?
Doctor: Women come into my office at least once a month and completely lose it -- blubbering all over the place. I had one in here today.
Wife: Are they married?
Chandler, Arizona
Overheard by: Office Manager
10AM Children Are Malicious Little Tape Recorders
Little boy after a loud crash: You broke it! I'm very upset with you -- very upset! Mommy broke the lamp! She's a bad girl!
9037 Highway 92
Woodstock, Georgia
Overheard by: peddler of rigid tools
9AM Unfortunately, I Predict Six More Weeks of This Conversation
Administrative assistant: You know how they choose the pope with those smoke signals?
Staff member: Yeah...
Administrative assistant: It's kind of like Groundhog's Day, isn't it?
Staff member: Wait, what? The movie or the holiday?
Administrative assistant: Duh, the holiday! What would the movie have to do with the pope?
Staff member: Well, what does the holiday have to do with the pope?
Administrative assistant: What?
Willamette Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Jenny
5PM Or Once That Definition Gets Relaxed
HR admin to uninterested IT guy: I'll be perfectly happy once I'm not morbidly obese.
1037 West 9th Street
Upland, California
Overheard by: Convinced she's correct
4PM Helpful Anywhere in the World
Worker bee #1: Five second rule!
Worker bee #2: I'm from India. I can digest toxic waste!
D'Onofrio Drive
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Minx
3PM You're the Scaliest, Stinkiest Boss I've Ever Had
Executive assistant: I think I touch and smell just about everything.
141 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Another Assistant
2PM It's Just Sort of Good, Like a Dancing Bear
Analyst #1: It's perfect -- it's like a unicorn.
Analyst #2: We'll see some disagreements on perfect.
Empire Avenue
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Statja K
1PM This Cubicle Is Greased and Ready to Kick Ass
Coworker: I've got more Vaseline than a porn star could use in a year.
330 North Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12PM And Remind Ourselves That We Still Have Our Freedom
Reception guy: Are you guys going on a puppy run?
Worker: Nah, just going to XYZ Office*.
Temp: Puppy run?
Reception guy: Yeah, when we're a bit crabby we go across the street to the pet shop and look at the puppies.
Temp: Oh.
Adelaide
South Australia
11AM I Lie at the Third-Grade Level
Four-year-old holing up a toy: Mommy, can I get this?
Mom: It says it's for kids ages eight and up. How old are you?
Four-year-old: Um... eight.
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: SK
10AM Better Known As Rebecca of Baker Street Farm
50-ish coworker: Oh, 'Shelly'... I thought it said her name was Shirley Temple. You know who Shirley Temple is?
20-ish coworker: Wasn't she the detective who went around solving crimes? No, wait, that's Sherlock Holmes.
31 Chambers Street
New York, New York
9AM Malnourished, Spiteful Cats
Engineer #1: Are we really sure this is the best tool for what we're doing?
Manager, shrugging: We're eating our own dog food.
Engineer #2: We are not. It's more like we're feeding dog food to our cats.
411 1st Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: engineer #3
5PM I Keep a Potato on the Box and Everything
XYZ* interviewer: Thanks for your time. Do you have any questions for me about the company?
Interviewee: I do -- I have XYZ cable at home. How come it's so terrible?
1500 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: It's Not That Bad
4PM Why There's a Mother's Day
Woman checking child's diaper: I just stuck my finger in your poop! Now I'll have to bleach my hand.
2401 Utah Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: lastikgirl
3PM Also the Idea behind Internet Porn
Man referring to stuffed beaver's tail with 'Do not touch' sign: Can my daughter touch this?
Worker: No.
Man to daughter: You can't touch it, honey, because Miss Sensory Deprivation over here wants you to touch with your eyes, not with your hands.
Sterling, Virginia
2PM IT: It's Amazing How Often That Works
Worker on phone: Hi, Amy*, this is Emily* in editorial. Are you new back there?
IT chick: Yeah.
Worker: Okay, well, I'm having a problem with my phone. I just got a new phone with a caller ID screen on it, but when I get calls the screen is blank. Is there some button I have to push, or...?
IT chick: Well, why don't you try unplugging the phone and then plugging it back in. I'll stay on the line.
Worker: Um...
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Big Ideas
1PM Which Is How They Get You
Cube rat #1 in response to a mime: Thank you, Marcel Marceau... Hey, is he dead?
Cube rat #2: I hadn't heard anything.
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Silent Observer
12PM The Cow Was Found to Be Negligent
Lawyer #1: I can't wait to get rid of those cows.
Lawyer #2: I thought you liked your cows.
Lawyer #1: Well, I did, but then one of them got a little too close and now I have a large bruise on my right thigh.
Lawyer #2: You were just too proximate.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
11AM Your Cubicle Seems to Have Reached the Saturation Point
Intern on third day of work: This is probably something I should have asked the first day, but... where's the men's room?
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM The Conversation Enters a DO Loop
Principal: Do you know Fortran?
Research analyst: Yes, I think so... Wait, is that a man or a woman?
John Hancock Tower
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: economista
9AM Now I Drive the Truck
Ad lady: Yeah, I was always the one who rolled around on the floor and threw myself under a truck, but not anymore.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
5PM Enough with the N Word
Clerk: What is your license plate number?
Customer: Five, T like 'Tom,' N like 'Knife,' L like 'Lion*,' five, two, seven*.
Clerk: N like 'knife'?
Customer: That's right!
DMV
Virginia
4PM Warning: Attempted Responsibility Transfer in Progress!
Grunt #1: So, this report is wrong.
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: I see what I did wrong.
Grunt #2: Good!
Grunt #1: Do you know why I filled this out incorrectly?
Grunt #2: Uhhh...
North Side
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Diana_C
3PM And He Sees Me As a Kind of Alien Cafeteria Lady
Crazy dog lady: Ajax was running around in the shower this morning and chasing the water. It was so cute!
Coworker: He was in the shower with you?
Crazy dog lady: Yes. He needs to get clean. He has a white coat and he gets so dirty.
Coworker: You took a shower with your dog? Were you naked? Ewww...
Crazy dog lady: What? He was dirty!
Fort Worth, Texas
2PM Everyone I've Ever Slept with Has Been Beautiful
Guy looking across street: Is that girl sexy?
Friend: That's a dude, man. How's your eyesight?
Guy: I can see fine, I just can't see clearly.
Newbury Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: alan
1PM It Was Like Peaking on Acid
Associate: Dude, I just saw my first hot Wal-Mart employee!
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: DRM
12PM Like If You Put Bleach in My Coffee
Line cook #1: Man, I had a friend that just got fired after being at her job for 20 years. That's messed up.
Line cook #2: That's terrible. What happened?
Line cook #1: She put bleach in her coworker's coffee. She said it was just a practical joke, and they fired her for that, after 20 years.
Line cook #2: She did what?!
Line cook #1: She said it was a practical joke.
Line cook #2: Man, if I wanted to kill someone you'd know it. I'd just stab you.
4550 Scott Avenue
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Never eating there again
11AM ... With a Dash of Corky from Life Goes On
Supervisor: [Former supervisor] was so hot -- like a cross between Colin Farrell and Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies.
171 17th Street
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM It's My Lunch. Geez, Can We Just Get Back to Work?
Female coworker: We're really glad you decided to come out!
Male coworker: Me, too!
Female coworker: So, is that your coming out stuff?
West 11th Avenue
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Disappointed I'm just a temp
9AM Otherwise You May Call Back
Employee: Okay, I'm going to hang up now, but I want you to continue talking.
524 West 57th Street
New York, New York
5PM Tonight's Movie: Livestock and Two Smoking Barrels
Suit: You need to get off your ass, take control of your life, and have that stupid cow arrested before she kills me.
1 Indiana Square
Indianapolis, Indiana
4PM And Then Self-Righteously Denying It
Angry man about faulty hard drive: Don't tell me it's empty when there's shit on it! Shit is shit and empty is empty! This thing is lying to me like the White House!
Electronics store, 2721 East 3rd Street
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Tony
3PM In the Sense That It Wouldn't Affect Us
Engineer: If there's a meltdown from us making [a particular mistake], how much damage would it do around the plant?
Sales guy: It's actually for New Brunswick, so it wouldn't be too big a deal.
Highways 24 and 401
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Not moving to New Brunswick anytime soon
2PM Now What the Hell Are We Gonna Do about Our Infection Rate?
Cowboy #1 looking at catered lunch: Well, they sure didn't leave us any knives or anything to use with these cold cuts!
Cowboy #2: You're right!
Cowboy #1: I'd use mine, but I don't know if it's been rinsed this week... Haha!
Cowboy #2: Haha! Mine either!
Cowboy #1: Haha, yeah, and I know where mine's been!
Hospital conference room
Twin Falls, Idaho
1PM ... It's Still Fresh! Unbelievable!
Tech: When you open a Ziploc to find a severed hand...
Owings Mills, Maryland
12PM Trained Boll Weevils
Boss: How do I get a binder for this stuff?
Assistant: There's one in the cabinet.
Boss: Um, how do I get the holes?
Assistant: What?
Boss: How do the holes get in the paper?
3080 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Someday You'll Be the Stupid Boss, So Have Compassion
Supervisor: Did you answer my phone while I was gone?
Worker bee: It didn't ring.
Supervisor: Well, did John call for me?
Worker bee: He didn't call. Your phone didn't ring.
Supervisor: But did you answer a call from John?
Worker bee: No, when your phone didn't ring, I didn't answer it, and when I didn't answer it, John wasn't the one that didn't call.
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
10AM Hello? My Daughter!
Employee #1: It's spelled S as in 'Shoenique...'
Employee #2: Huh?
Denver, Colorado
9AM Not without a Pre-Hook
Lawyer on phone: Homeless strippers?... Dude, you don't want to hook up with a homeless stripper.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: temporary paralegal
5PM Good Point -- You Play It As It Lays
Man describing adoption of Chinese kid: .. And eventually you get a baby's photo and a medical history...
Hick female photographer: But let me ask you, what do you do if she's ugly?
Man: ... What did your parents do?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM How to Get 25 Hours Out of Your Day
Old lady to another: Sometimes when I'm out in the garden and I have to go, instead of walking all the way to the bathroom I just go in my pants and drop them in the washing machine on the way inside.
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Disgusted in Stall #1
3PM He Does Freddies
Bond salesperson to trader: Yeah, Stew's* pretty conservative. He doesn't do Fannies.
1000 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
2PM Human Sacrifice?
Student worker: So, Joe* only got through four buckets today, so can I just do four buckets and go home?
Supervisor: No, you can't, because Joe washed all the buckets that were over there and built that huge pyramid with them.
Student worker: Awww, man! How can I compete with him when he builds pyramids?
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
1PM That's the Last Time I Try eHarmony
Coworker holding severely bent glasses to his face: I utterly despise her! She's terrible, and particularly useless because she's already married!
Marley Building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
12PM Her Neck Rises Up Out of a Clearing
Woman #1: I don't want to show you guys my hairy back!
Woman #2, singing: Hairy baaack, hairy baaack!
Forbes Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM Yet You Can Speak Hebrew
Guy #1, in Hebrew: So, what retarded kid are you working with today?
Guy #2, in Hebrew: Dude. Those kids are around here, you know.
Guy #1: Yeah, but no one here knows Hebrew.
Guy #2: This school's like half Jewish. They might.
Guy #1: Not the retarded ones. They have enough trouble with English. You should know that -- you work here, too.
University of Maryland
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: Knows Hebrew
10AM Buying That Defibrillator Really Paid Off, Huh?
Black lady: So, you dating again?
Chinese lady: No, why would I be dating?
Black lady: I thought your husband was dead!
Chinese lady: No, he's not dead.
Black lady: Well, good for you.
450 N Street
Sacramento, California
9AM There Might Be One behind the Cappucino Machine
Confused boy at info desk: Um, excuse me, do you know where the books are?
Popular book store
Mays Landing, New Jersey
Overheard by: looking at some right now
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