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April 2007 Archives
5PM She Supports Building Half an Immigration Wall
Woman #1: Did you see the Avon book in accounting?
Woman #2: No, I haven't.
Woman #1: Well, it's all in Mexican. Only a little bit on the back was in English... Instead of having the whole thing in Mexican, they should've just done it half and half.
260 West Seeboth Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
4PM She's Not the Sharpest Tool in the Shed
Woman: She made it herself out of paper machete!
Massachusetts
3PM Originally in San Francisco, but Then Rewrite Got a Hold of It
Director: So what city was Beverly Hills Cop set in?
444 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM Why Josie Spoiled in the Heat
Chick #1: Sometimes when I'm not wearing a bra and I don't want my nipples to poke out I put Band-Aids over them.
Chick #2: You put mayonnaise on your nipples?!
Chick #1: Yeah, Band-Aids.
Chick #2: Mayonnaise?!
Chick #1: Yeah, Band-Aids.
9th and Broad Street
Chattanooga, Tennessee
1PM How Wrong Would You Like It to Be?
Production manager: All I'm saying, Betty*, is do something, even if it's wrong!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
12PM What Happens When You Add Silicone to Your Diet
Employee #1: So, I've been taking them for about a month now.
Employee #2: Yeah?
Employee #1: I don't feel bigger. Definitely... rounder... and harder, but not bigger.
Elk Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: Nick Danger
11AM Donald Trump: You're Fired
QA agent: Can you remind the agents to put their comments in apprentices?
Team leader: In what?
QA agent: Apprentices. You know, the bracket things.
Team leader: Uhhh... Yeah, sure.
4 Mangrove Way
Montego Bay
Jamaica
Overheard by: Not an apprentice
10AM Stupid Hillbilly Heroin
Pharmacist #1: We really need to stop doping before work, because this just ain't workin'.
Pharmacist #2: Yeah...
405 Heathrow Court
Burr Ridge, Illinois
Overheard by: The Zar
9AM And the Surgical Interventions
Client: I can't wait to get back to my car!
Hair stylist #1: Why your car?
Client: So I can take my bra off!
Hair stylist #2: Girl, my boobs will never sag, 'cause I'm a hairdresser!
Hair stylist #1: Huh?
Hair stylist #2: It's all the blow drying!
West End
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: wondering if my boobs will sag
5PM As It Is, My Thighs Are Badly Chafed
Coworker #1: I saw you on the train this morning. You should have sat with me.
Coworker #2: Why didn't you say hello when we got off?
Coworker #1: You were, like, speed racer walking towards the building, and I waddle. Waddlers can only move so fast, and I had maxed out.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: A Fellow Waddler
4PM He's Looking for Something with Souvenir Merchandise
Tourist: Do you have any Opera?
Employee: We have The Marriage of Figaro.
Tourist: Hmmm, no. What about Lion King?
TKTS booth, Leicester Square
London
England
3PM Part of My Deal with the DA's Office
Secretary: What are they here for?
Boss: They are here to remove my organ.
Secretary: ... What?
Fort Street
Lincoln Park, Michigan
2PM I Don't Want Too Much Blood Reaching My Brain
Bimbette #1: Oh my gosh, this choker is, like, choking me! Can you loosen it, please?
Bimbette #2: Yeah. Do you want it, like, way looser?
Bimbette #1: Yeah... Oh my gosh, it's so tight it's cutting into my-- Well, I know girls don't have Adam's apples, but it's cutting in right there!
Bimbette #2: Is that better?
Bimbette #1: No. It's too loose. It needs to be tighter.
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM I'm Thinking of Those Little Mints
Guy seeing a purse in a chair: Who left this green bag here for me to go through?
Girl: It's mine, but there's nothing in it but an empty wallet and some tampons.
Guy: I love tampons! Oh, wait...
1280 Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Amazed
12PM Is "Robust" More of a Girl or a Boy?
Yuppie hubby: See anything you like on the wine list?
Wifey: I look for potential baby names whenever I read a wine list. Oooh, 'Spencer' -- that's a good one!
Park Street
Orlando, Florida
11AM When You Fall Over, There's a Lot of Quacking and Pecking
Receptionist: I have great news!
Nurse: What?
Receptionist: I got accepted into grad school! But I'm scared.
Nurse: Why?
Receptionist: I haven't been in school in a long time.
Nurse: You'll be fine -- it's like falling off a duck's back.
1917 20th Street South
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Eavesdropping grad student
10AM Kinda Like Alien Vs. Sexual Predator
Girl on cell: Did I show my tits? Well, I know what that means. If a guy dreams about a girl he knows and she's naked, then it doesn't mean that he, you know, likes her or wants to fuck her. It means that he cherishes her. Yeah, really. [Long pause.] Well, I don't know what that means. That's the weirdest dream I ever heard.
University of Colorado
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Amused Psych Prof
9AM What? The Customer Is Always Right
Customer on cell: Well, I need to go home and put a bra on.
Cashier: Yeah, it looks like it.
Lancaster, Ohio
Overheard by: Wonder Bra
5PM Well, Except for Everybody Else
Kid: You know, if Europe and the US teamed together the entire world could be white.
675 27th Street
Chicago, Illinois
4PM But Then My Kids Go and Put Them in Their Mouths
Hot girl #1: So, I itch.
Hot girl #2: Uh-oh. Time for cranberry tea. Get some at lunch.
Hot girl #1: And there's a big bump on, y'know, the opening.
Hot girl #2: Are you washing your toys after use them?
Hot girl #1: Every time?
100 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: No longer hungry!
3PM Treebeard Calls an Entmoot to Resolve the Issue
Employee #1: So, should I make the hotel arrangements, or should you? Or should I, or what should we do?
Employee #2: Oh, I don't know... Maybe if I do it... Or you could do it, that would be fine.
Michigan
2PM Or a Glitch in the Matrix?
Writer muttering to himself: Do I have the hiccups? Do I actually have the hiccups? Is that actually what's happening to me?
Renton, Washington
1PM What's It Gonna Take to Get Me Out of This Conversation?
Girl: Yeah, he thought you meant that I was gonna make cheese from my breast milk, you know, to save money...
Boss: That's not what I meant.
Girl: I know!
Texas
Overheard by: the lowly receptionist
12PM He's a Fendivore
Woman: Watch out for him -- he eats women's shoes.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Glad I'm wearing men's shoes
11AM You've Got Your Problems, I've Got Mine
Sales rep: Can you tell me why we have been behind on the uploading lately?
Tech girl: Yeah, that's because we don't have enough manhood right now.
El Monte, California
Overheard by: Cooly
10AM And I Am Speaking to You Over the PA
Announcement over PA after lights go out: Attention everyone -- the lights are off.
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
9AM Lesbians: Somebody Is Making Waffles?
Receptionist on phone: Yeah, but at this point I'd really rather have waffles than lesbians.
Office building, Downtown Crossing
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: what?
5PM There Seem to Be Fewer Anne Frank Jokes
Coworker #1: Helen Keller... She's the blind one, right?
Coworker #2: Yeah. Blind and deaf.
Coworker #1: I always get her and Anne Frank confused.
Coworker #2: What? Why? Because they're both girls?
Coworker #1: Yeah, and they both wrote diaries.
Coworker #2: Uh, I don't think Helen Keller kept any diaries.
800 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Though Apparently That's Not a Prerequisite for This Office
Old white coworker about interviewee: Did you talk to her?
Receptionist: Yeah, she seemed good.
Old white coworker: Black woman, right?
Receptionist: Yeah.
Old white coworker: Oooh, they're sharp! Well, when they're sharp, they're sharp!
Receptionist: Um... okay...
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: alxie
3PM Maybe I'll Start Walking to KFC from Now On
Female coworker to male: I wish I could sweat like you. Then I wouldn't be so fat.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
2PM Sure, Just Pop Them an Email
Professor #1: I need some furniture for my new house, but everything here is so weird and expensive.
Professor #2: You should go up to Pennsylvania. The Amish hand-make very nice furniture, and it's not that bad price-wise.
Professor #1: The Amish... okay. Do they deliver?
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
1PM That Means It Likes You
Student handing back professor evaluation: Sorry about the goo -- it's just from when my computer oozes, you know--
TA: --Your computer oozes? That doesn't sound like a good thing...
Student: No, it only oozes when it's hot!
1156 High Street
Santa Cruz, California
12PM Good -- My Therapist Is Always Projectile-Diagnosing Me
Assistant: I don't think you're crazy. I may vomit on you, but I don't think you're crazy.
9050 Washington Boulevard
Culver City, California
11AM It's a Good Thing We Caught That When We Did
Coworker #1: The new fix is now in place.
Coworker #2: Is this the fix that fixes the unknown thing we don't know about or the other thing?
Coworker #1: The unknown thing.
Oxford
United Kingdom
10AM I've Never Felt So Free -- or So Brittle
Girl on cell: Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like liquid nitrogen to the vagina...
Outside clinic, Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Keeping My Legs Closed
9AM Yo Quiero Matarle
Redneck employee: So, what do you call a quesadilla?
Latina employee: Quesadilla.
Redneck employee: Really? Just 'quesadilla'?
Latina employee: [Silence.]
Redneck employee: How do you say 'salt'?
Latina employee: [Walks away.]
1720 Indian Trail Lilburn Road
Norcross, Georgia
5PM Henrietta Learns That a "Body Shaper" Is Just a Girdle in Disguise
Large woman: You just watch out. I'm going to come over there and squeeze you the way they squeeze me.
30th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
4PM Then He Came Down from His Trip, Crawled Inside, and Went to Sleep
Saleswoman: Actually, I'm a vegetarian.
Salesman #1: Oh man, I couldn't do that. That is crazy.
Salesman #2: Yeah, my dream is to eat an entire cow.
Salesman #1: My friend actually bought a second refrigerator so that he could put a cow into it.
Penn Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Herbie
3PM And Flicking Them at Another Toddler
Photo person cleaning out pump nozzle of green hand sanitizer: This is just like picking boogers out of a toddler!
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Why the Office Blowtorch Was Retired
Phone rep: If I were my eyebrows where would I be?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM They Were Both Rash Acts
Employee: That astronaut chick had to be totally nuts to put on a diaper and drive 13 hours to whack that other woman.
Boss: Well, astronauts do have to wear diapers in space. She probably had some around the house.
Employee: Oh? So it's part of her culture.
Boss, laughing: When the cops finally caught her, she calmly said, 'This was a bad idea.'
Employee: The gun or the diapers?
7 West 29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fabio
12PM God, I Miss Elementary School
Woman: I don't know if I remember that movie. When did it come out?
Man: Sometime in the '70s, I think.
Woman: Oh. I definitely wasn't sober then.
Nevada
11AM Do You Dress Right or Left?
Hiring manager to IT guy: We have an applicant who says he has some python under his belt, and I was wondering if there were any questions I should ask him.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: IT guy
10AM Hence the Need for Continuing Education
Nurse exiting patient's room: I can't find my vagina.
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: chippy
9AM The Principle Is Exactly the Same
Coworker: You killed a squid. Don't act like you took down a moose with a pencil sharpener.
16761 Via Del Campo Court
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Hal Aljibury
5PM Either Provide It, or They Go on American Idol
Woman on phone with son: Jason*! Jason! I can't talk to you now. I'm in a meeting... I know I'm always in a meeting... I can't try not to schedule meetings when you get out of school. Yes, you can talk to me for three hours when I get home... I can't listen to what happened to you today, Jason! Don't call me back, do you hear me, Jason?! [Hangs up phone. It rings again.] Oh my god, why do kids need attention?!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle Right Outside
4PM And Someone Stole My Paddle to Prop Up a Table
Manager roaming the halls: I want to hurt somebody.
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Dave
3PM Then Put This Blotter Paper in Your Mouth
Big mama running after child: Get over here!
Child: Nuh-uh [runs away].
Big mama, clenching teeth: I said get over here!
Child, terrified: No!
Big mama: Do you want to see the magical lions and rabbits outside?
Child: Oh! Yes!
Katy Mills Shopping Center
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Omid
2PM So How Many Can I Put You Down For?
Coworker to customer: That's what nipple rings are for.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM Yes Sir, Mr. Gonzales!
Boss: Please stop reading up on our client. I need you to be able to do your job... It's a moral grey area.
1320 South Val Vista Drive
Mesa, Arizona
12PM Snorting Gravy Is Fun, but It's Not Enough
Blonde: Mmm... It smells so good in here. Doesn't it smell good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my nose right now!
Friend: I know!
Arkansas
11AM So I Figure They Can Watch Him
Hospital employee #1: Hey, girl! You going to the club tonight?
Hoochie hospital employee: Yep!
Hospital employee #2: And how are those kids doing?
Hoochie hospital employee: My son has pneumonia, but everyone else is alright.
1600 Harrison Street
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Jefferson Smoyle
10AM Which I Have to Drink to Forget
Female clerk: When I get that drunk I always end up stealing something or get something stolen from me.
Male clerk: Maybe you shouldn't get so drunk.
Female clerk: I wouldn't, but I can't afford good coke with this shit job.
Oslo
Norway
9AM But First Text Me to Let Me Know It's an Important Call
Marketing guy: Why haven't you kept me up to date on this account?
Ops guy: I've CC-ed you on every email I sent to them.
Marketing guy: I don't have time to read my emails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important email give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
5PM Like Bob?
Former military guy: Yeah, back when I was enlisted we used to joke that if we ever won the lottery that we would take off all our military owned equipment and walk out the front gate of the base in nothing but our underwear.
Senior admin: Oh my gosh! Wouldn't that mean you would be considered AOL?
North MacArthur Boulevard
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma