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April 2007 Archives
5PM She Supports Building Half an Immigration Wall
Woman #1: Did you see the Avon book in accounting?
Woman #2: No, I haven't.
Woman #1: Well, it's all in Mexican. Only a little bit on the back was in English... Instead of having the whole thing in Mexican, they should've just done it half and half.
260 West Seeboth Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
4PM She's Not the Sharpest Tool in the Shed
Woman: She made it herself out of paper machete!
Massachusetts
3PM Originally in San Francisco, but Then Rewrite Got a Hold of It
Director: So what city was Beverly Hills Cop set in?
444 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM Why Josie Spoiled in the Heat
Chick #1: Sometimes when I'm not wearing a bra and I don't want my nipples to poke out I put Band-Aids over them.
Chick #2: You put mayonnaise on your nipples?!
Chick #1: Yeah, Band-Aids.
Chick #2: Mayonnaise?!
Chick #1: Yeah, Band-Aids.
9th and Broad Street
Chattanooga, Tennessee
1PM How Wrong Would You Like It to Be?
Production manager: All I'm saying, Betty*, is do something, even if it's wrong!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
12PM What Happens When You Add Silicone to Your Diet
Employee #1: So, I've been taking them for about a month now.
Employee #2: Yeah?
Employee #1: I don't feel bigger. Definitely... rounder... and harder, but not bigger.
Elk Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: Nick Danger
11AM Donald Trump: You're Fired
QA agent: Can you remind the agents to put their comments in apprentices?
Team leader: In what?
QA agent: Apprentices. You know, the bracket things.
Team leader: Uhhh... Yeah, sure.
4 Mangrove Way
Montego Bay
Jamaica
Overheard by: Not an apprentice
10AM Stupid Hillbilly Heroin
Pharmacist #1: We really need to stop doping before work, because this just ain't workin'.
Pharmacist #2: Yeah...
405 Heathrow Court
Burr Ridge, Illinois
Overheard by: The Zar
9AM And the Surgical Interventions
Client: I can't wait to get back to my car!
Hair stylist #1: Why your car?
Client: So I can take my bra off!
Hair stylist #2: Girl, my boobs will never sag, 'cause I'm a hairdresser!
Hair stylist #1: Huh?
Hair stylist #2: It's all the blow drying!
West End
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: wondering if my boobs will sag
5PM As It Is, My Thighs Are Badly Chafed
Coworker #1: I saw you on the train this morning. You should have sat with me.
Coworker #2: Why didn't you say hello when we got off?
Coworker #1: You were, like, speed racer walking towards the building, and I waddle. Waddlers can only move so fast, and I had maxed out.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: A Fellow Waddler
4PM He's Looking for Something with Souvenir Merchandise
Tourist: Do you have any Opera?
Employee: We have The Marriage of Figaro.
Tourist: Hmmm, no. What about Lion King?
TKTS booth, Leicester Square
London
England
3PM Part of My Deal with the DA's Office
Secretary: What are they here for?
Boss: They are here to remove my organ.
Secretary: ... What?
Fort Street
Lincoln Park, Michigan
2PM I Don't Want Too Much Blood Reaching My Brain
Bimbette #1: Oh my gosh, this choker is, like, choking me! Can you loosen it, please?
Bimbette #2: Yeah. Do you want it, like, way looser?
Bimbette #1: Yeah... Oh my gosh, it's so tight it's cutting into my-- Well, I know girls don't have Adam's apples, but it's cutting in right there!
Bimbette #2: Is that better?
Bimbette #1: No. It's too loose. It needs to be tighter.
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM I'm Thinking of Those Little Mints
Guy seeing a purse in a chair: Who left this green bag here for me to go through?
Girl: It's mine, but there's nothing in it but an empty wallet and some tampons.
Guy: I love tampons! Oh, wait...
1280 Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Amazed
12PM Is "Robust" More of a Girl or a Boy?
Yuppie hubby: See anything you like on the wine list?
Wifey: I look for potential baby names whenever I read a wine list. Oooh, 'Spencer' -- that's a good one!
Park Street
Orlando, Florida
11AM When You Fall Over, There's a Lot of Quacking and Pecking
Receptionist: I have great news!
Nurse: What?
Receptionist: I got accepted into grad school! But I'm scared.
Nurse: Why?
Receptionist: I haven't been in school in a long time.
Nurse: You'll be fine -- it's like falling off a duck's back.
1917 20th Street South
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Eavesdropping grad student
10AM Kinda Like Alien Vs. Sexual Predator
Girl on cell: Did I show my tits? Well, I know what that means. If a guy dreams about a girl he knows and she's naked, then it doesn't mean that he, you know, likes her or wants to fuck her. It means that he cherishes her. Yeah, really. [Long pause.] Well, I don't know what that means. That's the weirdest dream I ever heard.
University of Colorado
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Amused Psych Prof
9AM What? The Customer Is Always Right
Customer on cell: Well, I need to go home and put a bra on.
Cashier: Yeah, it looks like it.
Lancaster, Ohio
Overheard by: Wonder Bra
5PM Well, Except for Everybody Else
Kid: You know, if Europe and the US teamed together the entire world could be white.
675 27th Street
Chicago, Illinois
4PM But Then My Kids Go and Put Them in Their Mouths
Hot girl #1: So, I itch.
Hot girl #2: Uh-oh. Time for cranberry tea. Get some at lunch.
Hot girl #1: And there's a big bump on, y'know, the opening.
Hot girl #2: Are you washing your toys after use them?
Hot girl #1: Every time?
100 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: No longer hungry!
3PM Treebeard Calls an Entmoot to Resolve the Issue
Employee #1: So, should I make the hotel arrangements, or should you? Or should I, or what should we do?
Employee #2: Oh, I don't know... Maybe if I do it... Or you could do it, that would be fine.
Michigan
2PM Or a Glitch in the Matrix?
Writer muttering to himself: Do I have the hiccups? Do I actually have the hiccups? Is that actually what's happening to me?
Renton, Washington
1PM What's It Gonna Take to Get Me Out of This Conversation?
Girl: Yeah, he thought you meant that I was gonna make cheese from my breast milk, you know, to save money...
Boss: That's not what I meant.
Girl: I know!
Texas
Overheard by: the lowly receptionist
12PM He's a Fendivore
Woman: Watch out for him -- he eats women's shoes.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Glad I'm wearing men's shoes
11AM You've Got Your Problems, I've Got Mine
Sales rep: Can you tell me why we have been behind on the uploading lately?
Tech girl: Yeah, that's because we don't have enough manhood right now.
El Monte, California
Overheard by: Cooly
10AM And I Am Speaking to You Over the PA
Announcement over PA after lights go out: Attention everyone -- the lights are off.
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
9AM Lesbians: Somebody Is Making Waffles?
Receptionist on phone: Yeah, but at this point I'd really rather have waffles than lesbians.
Office building, Downtown Crossing
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: what?
5PM There Seem to Be Fewer Anne Frank Jokes
Coworker #1: Helen Keller... She's the blind one, right?
Coworker #2: Yeah. Blind and deaf.
Coworker #1: I always get her and Anne Frank confused.
Coworker #2: What? Why? Because they're both girls?
Coworker #1: Yeah, and they both wrote diaries.
Coworker #2: Uh, I don't think Helen Keller kept any diaries.
800 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Though Apparently That's Not a Prerequisite for This Office
Old white coworker about interviewee: Did you talk to her?
Receptionist: Yeah, she seemed good.
Old white coworker: Black woman, right?
Receptionist: Yeah.
Old white coworker: Oooh, they're sharp! Well, when they're sharp, they're sharp!
Receptionist: Um... okay...
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: alxie
3PM Maybe I'll Start Walking to KFC from Now On
Female coworker to male: I wish I could sweat like you. Then I wouldn't be so fat.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
2PM Sure, Just Pop Them an Email
Professor #1: I need some furniture for my new house, but everything here is so weird and expensive.
Professor #2: You should go up to Pennsylvania. The Amish hand-make very nice furniture, and it's not that bad price-wise.
Professor #1: The Amish... okay. Do they deliver?
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
1PM That Means It Likes You
Student handing back professor evaluation: Sorry about the goo -- it's just from when my computer oozes, you know--
TA: --Your computer oozes? That doesn't sound like a good thing...
Student: No, it only oozes when it's hot!
1156 High Street
Santa Cruz, California
12PM Good -- My Therapist Is Always Projectile-Diagnosing Me
Assistant: I don't think you're crazy. I may vomit on you, but I don't think you're crazy.
9050 Washington Boulevard
Culver City, California
11AM It's a Good Thing We Caught That When We Did
Coworker #1: The new fix is now in place.
Coworker #2: Is this the fix that fixes the unknown thing we don't know about or the other thing?
Coworker #1: The unknown thing.
Oxford
United Kingdom
10AM I've Never Felt So Free -- or So Brittle
Girl on cell: Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like liquid nitrogen to the vagina...
Outside clinic, Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Keeping My Legs Closed
9AM Yo Quiero Matarle
Redneck employee: So, what do you call a quesadilla?
Latina employee: Quesadilla.
Redneck employee: Really? Just 'quesadilla'?
Latina employee: [Silence.]
Redneck employee: How do you say 'salt'?
Latina employee: [Walks away.]
1720 Indian Trail Lilburn Road
Norcross, Georgia
5PM Henrietta Learns That a "Body Shaper" Is Just a Girdle in Disguise
Large woman: You just watch out. I'm going to come over there and squeeze you the way they squeeze me.
30th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
4PM Then He Came Down from His Trip, Crawled Inside, and Went to Sleep
Saleswoman: Actually, I'm a vegetarian.
Salesman #1: Oh man, I couldn't do that. That is crazy.
Salesman #2: Yeah, my dream is to eat an entire cow.
Salesman #1: My friend actually bought a second refrigerator so that he could put a cow into it.
Penn Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Herbie
3PM And Flicking Them at Another Toddler
Photo person cleaning out pump nozzle of green hand sanitizer: This is just like picking boogers out of a toddler!
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Why the Office Blowtorch Was Retired
Phone rep: If I were my eyebrows where would I be?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM They Were Both Rash Acts
Employee: That astronaut chick had to be totally nuts to put on a diaper and drive 13 hours to whack that other woman.
Boss: Well, astronauts do have to wear diapers in space. She probably had some around the house.
Employee: Oh? So it's part of her culture.
Boss, laughing: When the cops finally caught her, she calmly said, 'This was a bad idea.'
Employee: The gun or the diapers?
7 West 29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fabio
12PM God, I Miss Elementary School
Woman: I don't know if I remember that movie. When did it come out?
Man: Sometime in the '70s, I think.
Woman: Oh. I definitely wasn't sober then.
Nevada
11AM Do You Dress Right or Left?
Hiring manager to IT guy: We have an applicant who says he has some python under his belt, and I was wondering if there were any questions I should ask him.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: IT guy
10AM Hence the Need for Continuing Education
Nurse exiting patient's room: I can't find my vagina.
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: chippy
9AM The Principle Is Exactly the Same
Coworker: You killed a squid. Don't act like you took down a moose with a pencil sharpener.
16761 Via Del Campo Court
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Hal Aljibury
5PM Either Provide It, or They Go on American Idol
Woman on phone with son: Jason*! Jason! I can't talk to you now. I'm in a meeting... I know I'm always in a meeting... I can't try not to schedule meetings when you get out of school. Yes, you can talk to me for three hours when I get home... I can't listen to what happened to you today, Jason! Don't call me back, do you hear me, Jason?! [Hangs up phone. It rings again.] Oh my god, why do kids need attention?!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle Right Outside
4PM And Someone Stole My Paddle to Prop Up a Table
Manager roaming the halls: I want to hurt somebody.
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Dave
3PM Then Put This Blotter Paper in Your Mouth
Big mama running after child: Get over here!
Child: Nuh-uh [runs away].
Big mama, clenching teeth: I said get over here!
Child, terrified: No!
Big mama: Do you want to see the magical lions and rabbits outside?
Child: Oh! Yes!
Katy Mills Shopping Center
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Omid
2PM So How Many Can I Put You Down For?
Coworker to customer: That's what nipple rings are for.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM Yes Sir, Mr. Gonzales!
Boss: Please stop reading up on our client. I need you to be able to do your job... It's a moral grey area.
1320 South Val Vista Drive
Mesa, Arizona
12PM Snorting Gravy Is Fun, but It's Not Enough
Blonde: Mmm... It smells so good in here. Doesn't it smell good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my nose right now!
Friend: I know!
Arkansas
11AM So I Figure They Can Watch Him
Hospital employee #1: Hey, girl! You going to the club tonight?
Hoochie hospital employee: Yep!
Hospital employee #2: And how are those kids doing?
Hoochie hospital employee: My son has pneumonia, but everyone else is alright.
1600 Harrison Street
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Jefferson Smoyle
10AM Which I Have to Drink to Forget
Female clerk: When I get that drunk I always end up stealing something or get something stolen from me.
Male clerk: Maybe you shouldn't get so drunk.
Female clerk: I wouldn't, but I can't afford good coke with this shit job.
Oslo
Norway
9AM But First Text Me to Let Me Know It's an Important Call
Marketing guy: Why haven't you kept me up to date on this account?
Ops guy: I've CC-ed you on every email I sent to them.
Marketing guy: I don't have time to read my emails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important email give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
5PM Like Bob?
Former military guy: Yeah, back when I was enlisted we used to joke that if we ever won the lottery that we would take off all our military owned equipment and walk out the front gate of the base in nothing but our underwear.
Senior admin: Oh my gosh! Wouldn't that mean you would be considered AOL?
North MacArthur Boulevard
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM I Shave First, of Course
Boss: I hate rubbing my hands on that while I'm banging away, so I cover all of the crevices with tape.
Portland, Oregon
3PM Last Year Was a Bad-Touch Trade Show
Lou*: Who do I call to get a shirt for the trade show?
Jen*: You email Erin*.
Lou: Can I just copy you in so I have a witness that this year I ordered a men's shirt?
Lake Success, New York
2PM She Got Three Fewer Diseases, Though
Overpaid receptionist: I am so freakin' tired. I've been actually having sex since four o'clock Saturday 'til six o'clock this morning.
Coworker: Ummm, that's nice.
Overpaid receptionist: I'm so sore. I am walking like Sally*. It looks like she was fucked all weekend, but all she did was pull weeds.
North O'Connor Boulevard
Las Colinas, Texas
Overheard by: So that's what 'being rode hard and put away wet' looks like
1PM Well, My Body Has Pen Pals
Korean teacher: Do you have a boyfriend?
English teacher: No.
Korean teacher: Don't you get lonely?
English teacher: Not really.
Korean teacher: Doesn't your... body get lonely?
English teacher: Did you really just say that?
Korean teacher: I'm not sexually harassing you! My English just isn't good!
Sacheon
South Korea
12PM Just the Sort of Argument a Hair Lawyer Would Make
Hair stylist: What do you do for a living? You look like a lawyer.
Customer: Actually, I'm a doctor.
Hair stylist: Well, that's a kind of a lawyer.
Cloverdale Plaza
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
11AM Have to Wonder How She Got a Teaching Certificate
Assistant: I just talked to the stupidest woman ever. It was an honor. At first it was frustrating before I was overcome by the joy.
141 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Heather
10AM Hard to Believe
Geek #1 with barrettes in his hair: Do you have any tape?
Geek #2: I don't give tape to guys who wear barrettes.
Geek #1: They're sparkly butterflies.
Geek #2: Whatever. I don't have any.
Geek #1: Do you have anything that works similar to tape?
Geek #2, rummaging in desk: I have some deodorant... and some mouthwash.
Tremont Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM But You'd Only Be Prosecuted for the Former
College student: So, if you stab someone and then stand there and watch them bleed to death, are you killing them or letting them die?
Logic professor: Well, I guess you would accomplish both.
Middle Tennessee State University
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
5PM And Clean Up after Yourselves
Flight attendant: ... And if this love plane becomes a love boat, please use your seat cushion as a flotation device.
Sacramento International Airport
California
Overheard by: Wishing I wasn't sitting next to my grandmother
4PM Yeah, Baby, the Pusher Knows What You Need
Coworker on phone: I'll meet you down at the corner. Bring me anything you have that is SpongeBobby or princessy.
East Marshall Street
Richmond, Virginia
3PM Well within Their Ability to Bleed to Death
Engineer: So, this system should give the operators a maximum of 200 blisters per minute.
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Great, Now I Have to Explain to Her What Football Is
Young man #1: Would you rather take a shit right here in the mall and get arrested and laughed at, or have Mike Ditka sit on your face?
Young man #2: Dude, I'm on the phone... No, Mom, that was just some guy... Mike Ditka is an old football coach, Mom... No, he's not here, he's in Hollywood or somethin'.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM Is There Anything You Guys Could Do about That?
Concerned mother on phone: My son just informed me that the room deposits are due tomorrow.
Secretary: Yes.
Mother: But I'm in Germany, and if I mailed in the money it would take two weeks.
Secretary: Your son could pay with a debit card or cash.
Mother: I gave him a debit card and he lost it.
Secretary: Uh-huh.
Mother: ... My son is a goddamned idiot.
Virginia
12PM This Week I'm Speed-Reading a Case of Châteauneuf-du-Pape
Manager: Instead of wine night, we call it 'book club.'
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
11AM Cut Scenes from Midnight Cowboy
Bus driver: Your bus pass isn't working.
Passenger: Sorry, man, it should. I just got it yesterday... It's new.
Bus driver: It's just not working... Just come on anyway. I love you, man.
Passenger: Thanks, bro. I love you, too.
Downtown bus terminal
New York, New York
10AM Which Is Also Part of the Joke
Mid-level manager #1: I've become a running joke.
Mid-level manager #2: Really? I didn't know you knew that.
Mid-level manager #1: [Long pause] I just caught on.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Cube dweller
9AM I, for One, Welcome the Coming of That Day!
Office grunt #1: You know, it must be kind of easy to be conservative.
Office grunt #2: Yeah, it probably is.
Office grunt #1: Because they always have the fall-back slippery slope type of argument. 'Well, if we allow this, then this could happen, and this could happen, and what about this? Camels may roam the streets in gangs!'
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Shannon
5PM I'm Not Falling for That Again
Male coworker wearing striped shirt: Hey, nice shirt -- we match!
Female coworker: Oh, yeah, we do.
Male coworker: We could do a dance or something. We already have matching costumes.
Female coworker: Or we could strip!
Male coworker: [Laughs nervously and walks away.]
Massachusetts
4PM I Read That in a Fortune Cookie Once
Girl: God, she is such a bitch!
Guy, matter-of-factly: Hos gotta be bitches or they get no respect.
540 Baxter Street
Athens, Georgia
3PM Oh, and You're Working Sunday
Boss watching Sin City: Dibs on Jessica Alba.
Employee #1: I'll fight you for her.
Boss: Okay. [They spar for a second, then the boss kicks the employee in the shin and slaps him in the head, dropping him to the floor.]
Employee #1: Ow.
Employee #2: Just not smart, dude.
Employee #1: It hurts so bad.
Boss: Respect dibs.
Ft. Walton Beach, Florida
Overheard by: He can have her
2PM That's Why I'm Well-Behaved. And Deaf.
Loud old woman #1: Did you hear about that huge fight that took place over the weekend where that teenager got killed?
Loud old woman #2: That's why people should beat their children! Then this wouldn't happen!
3430 Courthouse Drive
Ellicott City, Maryland
1PM I'd Have to See Them Dance
Female potential juror: I can't sit on a jury for religious reasons. I don't believe in judging people.
Lawyer: This is a negligence case. You won't be deciding if somebody is good or evil. There's no question of morality involved.
Female potential juror: Whatever -- it's against my religious convictions to judge people.
Lawyer: You understand that we're not asking you to send someone to Hell -- you just have to decide whether or not they were clumsy.
Supreme Court
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM In Fairness, He Didn't Seem to Know
Man: It's not my fault the guy was a fucking idiot... It may have been my fault that I told him, though.
New Street Station
Birmingham
United Kingdom
Overheard by: I would have told him, too
11AM The Thin Line between Clean and Dirty
Italian musician in broken English: Excuse... Can you... wash... my instrument?
Agent: What?
Italian roadie: He wants to know if you have a cloth to clean his instrument.
Agent: Oh. Oh. Okay. God, I almost just smacked him!
Italian musician: Wash my instrument now?
Vienna
Austria
10AM But She Can Still Be Called As a Witness
Coworker #1: You know how when you're dating a girl and you find out she has morals...
Coworker #2: Yeah, you give it three dates and then you lose her number.
Monterey, California
Overheard by: Horrified
9AM George and Laura Discuss Traveling with the Twins
Coworker: Well, we think we'll put them on leashes at the airport, because what if they get away from us? Nobody will know who we are, and nobody will know who they are.
Beacon Hill
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM Donnie Only Pretends to Take the Ritalin
Giftie #1: 'Quixotic' is so the best word you can make in Scrabble.
Giftie #2: It is not. The best is-- Oooh! Ice cream truck!
Bayview and Eglinton Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM I'm a Secretor
Goatee guy on cell: Make sure you sanitize the keyboard.
Parking garage stairwell
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: iggy
3PM Oh, I Don't Mind...
Secretary #1: Oh! Um...
Secretary #2: Don't mind me -- I'm just fiddling in your drawers.
Solicitor's office
Lincolnshire
United Kingdom
2PM ... If That
X-ray tech getting off phone: My son wants me to come home so bad. My kids always get like that when they are sick.
Coworker: Well, isn't your husband at home with him?
X-ray tech: Yes, but they always want me instead -- they are so attached. It's probably because I used to sing them this really cute song when they were babies.
Coworker: What's that?
X-ray tech: 'Mommy's your best friend, Mommy's your best friend, Daddy's your second best friend!'
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Thugalicious Baller
1PM Because That's Our Target Market
CSR on phone with customer: Well, are you normally a weak-minded person?
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
12PM By Birth, Marriage, or Popular Acclamation?
Blonde: I'm queen of the Gentiles!
Owings Mills, Maryland
11AM No, Wait, What Am I Thinking? That's Not a State.
CSR: Yeah, Alabama is first. I can't think of any other states that start with 'A'... Mhmmm... Oh, right, Arizona. And Iowa.
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Some Adages Just Don't Translate to English Very Well
Peon: It still wouldn't look like soup to me, even if the dog was swirly.
143 South Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM At the Revisionist Bible Thumpers of America Meeting
Maintenance guy: It says you shouldn't sleep with your dog... or your brother.
Route 447
Canadensis, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Mistro
5PM I Just Want Permission, I Don't Care Whose
Blonde on cell: Yeah, well, I didn't think I could either 'cause I was on those antibiotics, but he said I could, so that's cool.
Elevator, large insurance company
Bloomington, Illinois
Overheard by: even that was too much information for me
4PM Everybody's Founding Fathers Drink the Blood of the Living
Vet tech #1: Aren't there a lot of castles in Pennsylvania? I was watching a show on TV about all the castles there.
Vet tech #2: I think you're thinking of Transylvania.
North Lamar Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: pooper scooper
3PM My Name's Trevor and I'm an Engineer. Hi, Trevor!
Woman on phone: He gave me a book of his own poetry that he'd had published and everything! But he's not a total fairy, though... He used to be an engineer.
Westmead
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: every3rdthought
2PM That's the Last Time I Dip It in Beer
Student aide #1: So, what happened next?
Student aide #2: Well, I had my eyes closed, and the next thing I know my fat-ass brother is on top of me, sucking my ear.
1121 Duvall Highway
Pasadena, Maryland
Overheard by: Disturbed English Teacher
1PM And What Is Your Plan for Keeping It from Them?
Analyst: I can give you the numbers in those divisions, but you can't go public with it.
Marketing manager: I'm not going to go public with it, just present it at a meeting.
Analyst: Who's going to be at the meeting?
Marketing manager: It's a stakeholder meeting. So, whoever wants to, you know. It's open to the public.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM See, That's What I Thought
Worker #1: Smell my poncho.
Worker #2: No.
Worker #1: Smell my poncho.
Worker #2: That's not a poncho, that's a dry cleaning bag.
Worker #1: It's a poncho.
Worker #2: It's a dry cleaning bag with a hood. It's not a real poncho.
Worker #1: It is so a real poncho. It's blue.
Worker #2: It's a dry cleaning bag.
Worker #1: It's blue.
Worker #2: It's a--
Worker #1: --It has arm holes.
Worker #2: Jeff*, it's a dry cleaning bag with a hood, and it smells like cat piss.
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Soon I'll Be Able to Afford New Friends
Dude: All my meth addict friends are like, 'That's so cool. You have a job.'
Portland, Oregon
10AM But I Heard Something about Some New Arrestive Hormone Therapy
Woman: My daughter is 16.
Guy: Wow, she's almost grown.
Woman: I know -- in two years she'll be out of the house. I almost wish she had Down Syndrome so she would have to live with me forever.
Davenport, Iowa
9AM We Need to Be Disoriented and Dangerous
Boss: We need to be the blind kids with the M16s playing soccer.
Suit: [Silence.]
Boss: You understand what I'm saying?
64th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
5PM Even If It Does Have a Giant Sunroof
Receptionist on phone: Mom, there are no pictures of them in the paper. I don't want to live in a decapitated house!
Lincoln Highway
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Assistant Girl
4PM No, but It's Bad That You Just Licked It
Ex-sorority girl yelling from her office: Is it bad that I can't tell what's on my sleeve?
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: I don't think she has an inside voice...
3PM Is History the One with the Quadratic Equations?
Chick: My father went to Timbuktu.
Dude: Where is that, again?
Chick: Some county in Africa.
Dude: Some country in Africa?
Chick: Yeah. Africa is like Europe -- made up of lots of countries.
Dude: Oh. I was never good at history.
Chick: I think you mean geography.
Dude: Oh, yeah...
Dulwich Hill
Sydney
Australia
2PM If You Wanted to Know If I Found You Attractive, Bob, All You Had to Do Was Ask.
Receptionist: Thank you for calling ABC Company*. How may I assist you?
Caller: Is Bob*, Tom*, or Larry* available?
Receptionist: Yes, sir, all three are available. Do you have a preference?
Caller: Sexual?
Receptionist: [Long, awkward silence.] No, sir, I meant do you have a preference for who you'd like to speak to?
Caller: Um... Just pick whoever's cutest and makes more money.
Receptionist: Ummm... Okay... It's a pleasure to connect you...
16th Street and L Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here...
1PM And Turn the Egg Timer As Needed
Girl #1: So, they really didn't have sex on Valentine's Day?
Girl #2: Yep.
Girl #1: Here's the thing -- he cooks her dinner, asks advice on wine... The least she can do is lay there for nine minutes.
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: steff
12PM Naked and Sweating, I Find Myself Trapped in a Prison of My Own Making
Coworker: Hey, are you doing Lego naked in there?!
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: The joys of a home office
11AM "The Crow Flies at Midnight"
Boss: Let's be clear about this... Actually, no, let's be unclear.
10900 Martin Luther King Drive
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM Six Years of Marriage Only Earns You So Much Trust
Lady: Hey, Derek*, will you let me paint your toenails?
Man: Will you give me a blowjob?
Lady: ... Sure.
Man: Do the blowjob first.
3301 North Mulford Road
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: what office is this?
9AM Apparently They Go to the Same Waxer
Man: Answer me this -- just what the fuck does Chewbacca know about Tarzan, anyway?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: pleasekillme
5PM Texas Law Is Pretty Clear That's Illegal
Lady #1: So, I've joined a pottery class. It's a group of people working in all different mediums. Everybody gets to make things according to their own artistic vision.
Lady #2, disgusted: Sounds very cultured.
Lady #1: Oh, no, haha -- it's not.
College and Park Street
Grapevine, Texas
4PM Diagnosis: Stupidity, Aggravated by Shame
Caller: I was trying to complete my request with your voice automated system, but it would not accept my diagnosis code.
Phone rep: Okay... what is your diagnosis code?
Caller: Oh... I don't have a diagnosis code.
201 West Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Juice
3PM Oh, Sorry, "3." We'll Fill You in Later
CEO: Everyone was at that meeting! If your name began with a consonant or a vowel, you were in the fuckin' meeting!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
2PM Wait, You Say It's What Would Jesus Do?
Soccer mom #1: The other night I saw a homeless man on the ground. It looked like he had fallen out of his wheelchair.
Soccer mom #2: Oh, no! Did you help him get back in it?
Soccer mom #3: No, you really shouldn't, because he could hurt you.
Soccer mom #2: ... Or bite you.
Scranton, Pennsylvania
1PM Joe Tautology Bares His Soul
Rich drunk guy: It's more fun to inseminate someone than have your wife inseminated.
5200 State Line Road
Kansas City, Missouri
12PM By the Way, Is Our Refrigerator Running?
Customer on phone: How much is two hundred dollars worth of oil?
Worker bee: 75 gallons.
Customer: No, I said how much is two hundred dollars worth of oil?
Worker bee: Ma'am, two hundred dollars will buy you 75 gallons.
Customer, exasperated: No, no, no! How much. Is two hundred dollars. Worth of oil?
Worker bee, confused now: Um... Two hundred dollars?
Customer: That's what I was askin' you! Jesus! [Hangs up.]
Worker bee: Did she just call up to ask me whether two hundred dollars is worth two hundred dollars?
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Gypsy
11AM They're Having Their Annual Gala Next Door
Office liar: The Navy hires very conservative people to captain nuclear submarines.
Male coworker: Really?
Office liar: Yeah, every nuclear submarine captain I've ever met has been very level-headed.
Female coworker: How many nuclear submarine captains have you met?
Office liar: Hundreds!
West Loop
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Quick, Pass Me That Cigar
Boss #1: You going to mass to get your ashes done?
Boss #2: Oh, Jesus, I forgot all about that! Is it Ash Wednesday?
Tennessee
9AM He's an Arkansas Leg Hound -- Best to Let Him Finish
Camera assistant: Your dog's getting drunk off my pants.
Culver City, California
5PM Now Where's That Airplane Glue?
Girl: Oooh, I feel dizzy.
Coworker: Why?
Girl: This marker, I think.
Coworker: What about it?
Girl: Well, it says 'scented,' but when I smelled it it gave me a headache.
Coworker: That says fluorescent, as in it's a highlighter.
Girl: It says scented.
Coworker: Fluorescent means 'brightly colored,' it doesn't mean 'smell me.'
Girl, muttering: Well, I wouldn't smell it again anyway because it didn't smell very good.
38 Exchange Street
New Hampshire
Overheard by: Crystal
4PM They're Good Mostly for Office Supplies
Guy on phone waiting for other end to pick up: If I'm going to get caught embezzling, it's not going to be at a nonprofit-- [other end picks up] --Hi, Deborah*!
San Francisco, California
3PM At the Long John Silver's Exotic Erotic Ball
Lady: They're going to have fish, chicken, whips, whatever.
440 Park Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Shall I Season Your Fracture?
Managing director: What happened to you?
Warehouse employee: A skid fell on my leg. Don* just left to call me an ambulance.
Managing director: A skid of what?
Warehouse employee: ... Ground coriander.
Managing director: That came in today? Great! We've been waiting for that.
Warehouse employee: ... My leg is broken.
Managing director: And we appreciate that.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
1PM But I Went Hellfire Missile and I Never Looked Back
Voluptuous coworker to two male coworkers: ... But this Air Force doctor took it and shoved it up there and, let me tell you, it was large.
Lunch room, Environmental company
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Meg
12PM Either Be Weekly or Not at All, I Say
Warehouse supervisor: Hey, I have to start having these bi-weekly meetings now...
Sales chick: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Warehouse supervisor: Tell me about it. Anyway, is there anything you can think of that I need to address? ... Bi -- that means every other week, right?
Sales chick: Um, yeah.
Warehouse supervisor: I just don't like that word. Bi. It just sounds wrong.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM How about a Compromise? One Could Be a Priest
Young wife sighing: All I pray for is a gay son.
Husband: All our sons will be straight.
Young wife: Just the youngest one can be gay. I need one gay son. You won't even notice.
Husband: No, it won't happen. Costa Ricans don't have gay sons. And I want my name passed on.
Young wife: I'll wait until you go to work, then put makeup and heels on him and let him be himself. I need someone to talk to when you are gone.
Sandwich shop
Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey
10AM They All Went Red on the Same Day
Peon #1: Greenfield Community College has gone communist -- they're doing Vagina Monologues.
Peon #2: Don't get me started on Greenfield's vaginas.
University of Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts
9AM The Game's Decided -- They're Just Running Out the Clock
Election board office manager: I don't know if you're aware, but every election you need to contact all the local funeral homes about absentee voting.
Worker: Ummm, funeral homes? Don't you mean nursing homes?
Election board office manager: Oh, yeah. Whatever.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Xanadu
5PM Going... Through... Withdrawal
Office grunt #1: The Internet is down. Email still works, but there's something wrong with the Internet.
Office grunt #2: So the Internet's running fine, right?
1 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: I'm gonna go with NO...
4PM I Do Eat a Lot of Chicken. Why?
German engineer: Yeah, it's a backdoor thing, and I got him right in the morning.
29663 Arnold Drive
Sonoma, California
Overheard by: E40
3PM No Problem, Then
Coworker #1 on speakerphone: How do I Google something?
Coworker #2: Go to W-W-W dot Google dot com. Then just use it like any other search engine.
Coworker #1: What's a search engine?
Coworker #2: You know, like when you use Yahoo or MSN to look something up.
Coworker #1: I've never Googled before in my life, and I never want to again!
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: it actually got worse
2PM The Photographs Didn't Give Me Much Choice on That First One
Coworker in middle of parking lot, screaming into cell: You can admit to having your dick in my ass, but you can't admit to that bitch you love me?! You bastard!
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM But Why Are Male Women Getting Their Panties in a Bunch Over It?
Coworker in lunchroom: I don't know whether that's insulting to gay men or female women.
Des Moines, Iowa
12PM My Secret? I Keep a Bottle of Everclear in the Supply Room
Suit #1: Dude, that guy is falling over drunk in the middle of the day!
Suit #2: Lucky bastard.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Jealous too
11AM Actually, It Was Just a Dry Run
Lady #1: Where were you yesterday?
Lady #2: I was at my mother's cousin's funeral.
Lady #1: Why, did she die?
Lady #2: Yes.
Raanana
Israel
Overheard by: Shy One
10AM That's Where You Come In -- Nickel Washer
Estimator: We're going to sit on their heads until they shit nickels.
8531 Marginal Way
Seattle, Washington
9AM And I Can Whip It Out As Needed
Consultant #1: Should we print copies so people can take notes?
Consultant #2: I never take notes -- I have a phallic memory. If I see it once, I always remember it.
Bay Area Boulevard
Houston, Texas
5PM Sounds Like Somebody Needs Half a Millipede
Coworker: This is one of the weirdest places I've ever worked. Ally's* rummaging in the bin for half a millipede, Jane* has to pathologically lock everything, and I'm going psycho telling people I don't need hugs.
Mallett Street
Sydney
Australia
4PM And Why Can't They Control Their Tendency to Generalize?
Asian girl hanging up phone: Why can't Asian people speak English?!
133 East 13th Street
New York, New York
3PM Review: Lacks Intuition
Tech #1: Phew! I just spent hours grabbing screenshots to show the manager what I've been doing.
Tech #2: Umm... You know he's blind, right?
Tech #1: So... I should send a note instead?
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Not involved - really!
2PM Okay... Well, Parole Denied, Then
Office grunt: Now, just so you understand -- I'm no stranger to drugs.
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: where's the good stuff
1PM A Fine Distinction Is Still a Distinction
Over the cube wall: That's apples and oranges. But the oranges are red.
2nd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Murray
12PM Omagah, Bethany, Have You Seen The Trees Run Red?
Coworker on phone: Teenagers... Vampires... Trees and rain... I'm sold.
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM Something People Will Get Tired of before They Even Hear It
Coworker #1: You look pensive.
Coworker #2: Well, I'm trying to come up with a new cliché.
Delaware
10AM That Would Fit with All of My Other Answers
Employee #1: What are you doing?
Employee #2: A crossword. What's the capital of Maine? Is it Rhode Island?
Lombard and Buchanan Street
San Francisco, California
9AM But Unfortunately, I Can't Cross the Street on My Own Yet
Bus boy #1: I went to the new hostess's MySpace page.
Bus boy #2: The little mousey girl?
Bus boy #1: Turns out she's bi. Got a picture on there of her getting nailed from behind by another chick with a strap-on.
Bus boy #2: God, if my mom would let me, I would marry her!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Or a Q as in Cuba?
Phone rep: Can I get your name?
Customer: [Mumbles.]
Phone rep: I don't think I got that. Did that start with a 'K'... as in 'cat'?
Austin, Texas
4PM Christ: I'm Married to 'Em and I Have the Same Problem
Cube dweller: I still don't know if that was a man in a costume or a real nun that was grocery shopping!
Buffalo, New York
3PM Now He Has to Spend Four Months a Year There
Editor: It occurs to me that a pomegranate was not the best choice for fruit to eat at my desk.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
2PM To Be Fair, He's Staying Home with Seven of the Laker Girls
Chick: So, what are you doing tonight?
Dude: Going out.
Chick: Where are you going?
Dude: Somewhere.
Chick: Oh. With who?
Dude: People.
Chick: You're staying home tonight, huh?
Dude: Yeah...
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: cupcakee
1PM Please Don't Feel You Have to Share Further Details
Coworker: I used to have a bunch of little beanbag Kermit dolls that got progressively blinder because I used to rub them against my chin and wear down the marble eyes.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Annabelle Nightingale
12PM And I'm Too Important to Go Look
Lady coworker #1: What was the word of the day yesterday?
Lady coworker #2: ... You mean from dictionary dot com?
Lady coworker #1: Yeah.
Lady coworker #2: Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails.
Lady coworker #1: Oh, neither do I. I just wanted to know what it was.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Unless I Find Out He's a Jets Fan
Sales rep on phone: I don't want to go see that doctor. He misdiagnosed and killed my grandfather... But he is my neighbor... Okay, I'll see him.
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: eric
10AM Stigmata Don't Just Come to You, You Have to Work for Them
Associate: You need something?
Woman: Yeah, maybe you know. Which are the nails they used to crucify Christ with?
Associate: ... Uh, maybe these?
Woman: Right. I don't think those are the ones I'm looking for, but you're on the right track.
Home Depot
Virginia
Overheard by: Sara
9AM Or I Could Just Steal One from the Shopping Center
Coworker #1: Artificial insemination?
Coworker #2: That way I could have a kid without whoring myself around as much.
Kansas
5PM Slowly, but Nevertheless
Worker: Bower birds are cool -- they've got it going on. Cassowaries are cool, too. They can eat a dog.
Leederville
Perth
Western Australia
Overheard by: Going on holidays
4PM Danny Here Takes Care of Exasturbating the Boss
Ditzy intern: I know you're busy so I'm not going to exasturbate things...
Suit: Oh, not at all... In fact, better that you exasturbate me than the boss.
1901 Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
3PM And Ringtones
Worker bee: Does Anal Cunt have a MySpace page?
1500 Sansom Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: dmac
2PM I Hate "Bring Your Lion to Work Day"
Peon: Wow! I wouldn't sit on that even if its mouth was taped shut.
9070 Junction Drive
Annapolis Junction, Maryland
1PM ... So Put This Plutonium in That Easy-Bake Oven
Senior project manager to younger engineer: To prove that something doesn't work you must first overload the crap out of it.
23rd Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: skippy
12PM But without the Hassle of a Trial
Supervisor #1: Anyone want any chocolate? I have three pounds.
Supervisor #2: From the boyfriend, huh?
Supervisor #3: I don't think I could eat three pounds of anything. What could I eat three pounds of?
Supervisor #1: Ice cream. I could eat three pounds of ice cream.
Supervisor #3: I could definitely eat three pounds of ice cream. That's kind of a gross thought, though.
Supervisor #1: It's like eating a preemie.
200 New Canton Way
Robbinsville, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon hate v-day
11AM Serves You Right for Faxing to People You Can Talk To
Employee #1 calling from adjacent building: Hey, you guys are using the wrong kind of paper in the fax machine.
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: You're using the wrong paper in the fax machine. Our faxes are coming out all smeary over here.
Employee #2: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Kramer Drive
Gibsonia, Pennsylvania
10AM You're Supposed to Read Them, Not Use Them As a Blanket
Retired lawyer: I'm just buried under these law documents.
Boss: Wait, are you practicing law without a license?
Retired lawyer: No, without knowledge.
2550 Q Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: C Dubz
9AM All New Uses for Those Beams of Light from Their Chests
Boss to another: Do not look up Care Bear porn!
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
5PM Why Women's Thoughts Should Remain Mysterious
Cube dweller #1: So she was talking dirty to me last night and I was all asking her what she was thinking about.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah? What was it, dude?
Cube dweller #1: She was thinking about some role playing shit, so I told her to tell me details, you know? I wanted to know exactly what it was!
Cube dweller #2: Yeah...
Cube dweller #1: So she starts laughing and says, 'I was actually trying to decide what boots I wanted to wear.' I'm like, 'You're talking about boots when I have a fucking hard-on? You've got to be fucking kidding me!'
Cube dweller #2: Did you do it anyway?
Cube dweller #1: Naturally...
Scituate, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Glad my wife doesn't wear boots....
4PM Sadly, Brad Never Graduated from the Simulator
Dude: Are you looking at pictures of naked women again?
Man: What kind of stupid question is that?
Dude: Yeah, sorry.
Man: Why don't you ask me what I'm breathing? 'Breathing some air there, huh? Boy, you sure do like your air.'
Dude: Yeah, I know, sorry. Hey -- that one's pretty.
Man: Tell me about it.
Starbucks
New York, New York
3PM I Prefer My Lies with Charts and Statistics
DBA: You're going to have to be more explicit when you say what you don't mean.
33rd floor, 1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Charliegator
2PM Because We Don't Know What Can't Be Done
Boss: We're trying to fit a round square into a peg hole.
53 West Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Mark
1PM All My Botched-Surgery Cash Goes Straight into My Pocket!
Cube dweller #1: So, you were skinny before?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, I had a botched hernia. They nicked my bowel -- it was like taking a dump on your organs.
Cube dweller #1: Man, that sucks. Didn't you get a big settlement for it?
Cube dweller #2: No, because I survived. Besides, the old lady got most of it in the divorce.
Cube dweller #1: Man, I'm never getting married.
Simi Valley, California
12PM And Sober Now, Thank God
Peon: I've seen her before at bars, but now she's just different... She's more cold now.
Intern: It's just sobriety. It changes people.
Peon: Good point. Wait, aren't you, like, 19?
Intern, offended: I'm 20.
F Street
Washington, DC
11AM Similarly, If He Comes in the Form of a Flood
Woman: I was talking to God the other day, and he told me he's coming soon, you know?
Man: Well, if he doesn't show up in half an hour I'm leaving.
Mexico City International Airport
Overheard by: Trece
10AM Without a Quorum No Meeting Can Break Out
Worker bee #1 walking up to group of coworkers: Hey, here's two of the people I'm looking for.
Worker bee #2: Scatter!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM They're a Tough Audience
Coworker on phone: Well, while you're waiting you should warm up the manatee.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM I'd Fix It Myself, but I'm Heading Out Soon
Young drone: Do you realize that everything you print has the heading 'Dead' on it?
Old drone: I wish they'd change that.
441 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Say 'Cerebellum' at the Deli Section
Teacher: I was sitting there thinking, 'If I only had a brain!' And then I thought, 'Duh! The Wal-Mart's open!'
Brookdale, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: Chris
3PM We'll Be Putting You in the Remedial Section, George
Male worker on way to LGBT conference: I can't believe we have to go learn about butch dykes -- I think I know a lesbo when I see one.
Female worker: You should be careful what you say around here.
Male worker: Don't get mad at me just because you've had a raspberry mustache one too many times.
Female worker: excuse me?
Male worker: Don't lie -- I know you've been down river when the dam broke.
Female worker: Uh...
52 South Main Street
Fall River, Massachusetts
Overheard by: bobby
2PM It's the Only Capital Crime in San Francisco
Employee #1: Is it warm outside?
Employee #2: Eh, it's a little chilly. Grab a sweater.
Employee #3: Or a vest. Or a sweater vest!
Employee #2: Oh, Sally*, no! It's never sweater vest weather.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
1PM Monkey: Take Your Time -- He's on Medi-Cal
Bookkeeper: He has a monkey! It's a medically trained monkey. It can dial 911. What it tells them, I'm not sure...
Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: the sugar monster
12PM Why Harold Got Fired
Woman, about bald Britney: She looks like a little child from Auschwitz!
Man: If only.
1040 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: Limey
11AM No, Nothing Work-Related
Manager #1: Shit! I can't remember what I wanted to ask Al*...
Manager #2: If he's gay? If he's doing coke?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM That Poster of Paris Hilton Over Your Bed, for One Thing
Dude #1: Hey, thanks dude, you really didn't have to.
Dude #2: Oh, that's okay, man -- no problem.
Dude #1: So, how did you know I liked princesses?
Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: lesley
9AM Probably Time to Make a Fresh Pot of Coffee
Drone #1: It's a different texture.
Drone #2: It's hard. I'll suck.
Austin, Texas
5PM I Could Have Stayed Home and Done That
Visiting consultant: I think we saw every public restroom in San Francisco. Just what I wanted -- a urine-filled holiday.
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM I Should Be in the Ladies' Room Getting Ready for My Date with the CEO
Loud lady on cell: [Supervisor] called this morning to see if I was coming in. What does he care? I had a meeting this morning with him and Sam*. What were they going to do, ask me why I haven't been performing well? Did they want me to say I've asked to be transferred more than once because I've been sleeping with my supervisor and he won't stop harassing me? You know, I probably shouldn't be talking about this right in front of my office.
371 Hoes Lane
Piscataway, New Jersey
Overheard by: Justtryingtohaveacigarette
3PM Oh, Stop Pouting, You Big, Wet Baby
Staff member holding disheveled pile of papers: Now I have to go hand this in with the pages all crinkly 'cause someone threw a water balloon into my cubicle.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: culprit
2PM They Were Gangbanging Me That Night
Cute office peon: What's wrong, Tom*?
Tom: I'm just feeling a little depressed today.
Cute office peon: Why?
Tom: I had planned this party over the weekend, and no one showed up.
Cute office peon: Don't feel bad about that, Tom. It's not your fault that your friends can't come!
5500 University Parkway
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: And she knows this how?
1PM As in Blue-Footed, You Pervs
Kid #1: Number five is A, as in 'asshole.'
Teacher: No, number five is B, as in...
Kid #2: Bastard!
Teacher: No, B as in 'booby.'
High school
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
12PM Get Your Tail Out of My Coffee!
Cube rat: You know, every time I eat something tiny like a nut or a seed I feel like a monkey.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: mego
11AM She's Seen Life Goes On, the Director's Cut
Peon #1, after dealing with an idiot tech from another company: Maybe she has an extra chromosome.
Peon #2: Are you saying she has Downs Syndrome?
Peon #3: Maybe it's like in Dune where you have the extra chromosome and you're super-human.
Peon #2: Something tells me Frank Herbert wasn't a geneticist.
Peon #1: I don't know. Some of those retards are really strong. They'll rip your fuckin' arms off.
160 South Old Springs Road
Anaheim Hills, California
Overheard by: ApollyonBoB
10AM They'll Strap Me to a Chair and Force Me to Look at Anne Geddes Photographs
30-something woman: Are you going to the baby shower?
20-something girl: No. Being in a room full of women talking about babies is my worst nightmare.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: athens
9AM I'm Not Much, but I'm All I Think About
Mother: Put those toys away. Think of the other kids who come here.
Little kid #1: Yeah, we've gotta think of the other kids.
Little kid #2: I don't want to think of the other kids. I only want to think about me.
Doctor's waiting room
North Rocks, Sydney
Australia
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