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March 2007 Archives
5PM No, Black Women
Coworker: One of my high school teachers was fired for having inappropriate relationships with students... Apparently he had a thing for sisters.
New girl: Like nuns?
32 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
4PM They Revoked His Geek Credentials That Same Day
Office worker: I can't get into MAS. My codes aren't working.
Tech, after trying to enter codes: What the fuck? Now the numbers aren't even coming up.
Office worker, five minutes later: Uh, dude, you're using my calculator.
Tech: Son of a bitch!
Illinois
Overheard by: G$
3PM Like Mothballs, with a Hint of Vicks
Guy: I can't stand Red Bull. It tastes like old people.
Girl drinking Red Bull: You know what that tastes like?
Lucent Boulevard
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Red Bull Ben
2PM That Was Meant to Be More of a Roar
Coworker #1: I'm like a shark. Rawr. Rawr.
Coworker #2: Sharks don't growl.
15 East 16th Street
New York, New York
1PM The Terrible Twos, Huh?
Lady coworker, after hanging up: So, have you ever been called a 'piece of shit' by your daughter?
West 26th Street
New York, New York
12PM No Peace, but a Sword for You, My Friend
Coworker on phone: Jesus told me if you come over to fuck you up.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Jesus Freak
11AM I'd Be a Lesbian, but I Can't Afford the Union Dues
Middle-aged lady to others in lunchroom: I don't know. For me, whenever there is male full-frontal nudity, the movie instantly becomes a comedy.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
10AM Geez, I'm Getting All Stressed Here
Over-zealous professor talking about tribal genital mutilation: ... So the viewers experienced more stress when they watched the people getting their genitals whacked off! They got whacked off!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
9AM They Don't Tell Me What They're Storing, and I Don't Ask
Deputy: That guy told the judge that the crack they found up his ass wasn't his.
Police station
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: more information than anyone needed
5PM You Want Mine? I'm Suddenly Not Hungry Anymore
Boss: I hate these burritos. The ingredients aren't mixed up at all. It's like a fetus they mangled into a tortilla.
North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Developer
4PM And Type with the Other Hand
Female manager to male manager as screensaver turns on during presentation: You need to jiggle your thing.
New York, New York
Overheard by: i LOVE my job
3PM Also Thinks Everyone from 'Idaho' Is a Slut
Coworker #1: I don't know, he was weird. And plus, I've never dated a guy from Indiana...
Coworker #2: Wait... He was Indian?
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Cubica
2PM Hers and Her Husband's
Waitress #1: My sister is in the hospital because she just had her second liver transplant.
Waitress #2: Oh my god! Both of them?!
Waitress #1: Both of whats?
Waitress #2: Both of her livers?!
Waitress #1, turning to manager guy: Do you want to tell her, or should I?
McHenry, Illinois
Overheard by: Thank God I'm Me
1PM All They're Good for Is Committing Bank Robberies
Woman: Be still, we have to wait for our turn.
Kid: Why are we here?
Woman: We're returning a package.
Kid: Why?
Woman: Because I don't want it.
Kid: What's in it?
Woman: I don't know. I think it's pantyhose.
Kid: You don't want the pantyhose?
Woman: No, I don't want the pantyhose.
Kid: Why?
Woman: Because pantyhose are evil.
Post office
Leander, Texas
Overheard by: Faedorah
12PM And What about the Lady Who Told Me It Would Be 2,880 Minutes?
CSR: Yes, if you do your payment online it can take two business days to post.
Customer: The other person told me 48 hours! Which one is it? I'm always given different information!
411 Smithfield Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: mrswackado
11AM Would You Like Some Candy?
IT guy: Pretty much everyone who works here is either a computer geek or a pedophile.
HR lady walking by: Hey, I'm not a computer geek.
Richmond Hill
Ontario
Canadia
10AM Tissues Would've Been the Logical Commodity
Customer service manager on personal call: You went to somebody's funeral and sold purses?!
Chamblee, Georgia
Overheard by: achooAlison
9AM Tinted Chromosomes
Coworker #1: You've got really pretty eyes.
Coworker #2: Thanks.
Coworker #1: It's like you've got, um... What is it...?
Coworker #3: Downs Syndrome?
Coworker #1: Contact lenses.
Kmart
Adelaide
South Australia
5PM So I Took Some Video to Corroborate My Assertions
Coworker: Sometimes it amazes me just how much poop comes out of my body.
80 Broadway
Somerville, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Orlando Furioso
4PM But It Feels So Right
Girl recording office voicemail: If you know the person you are wishing to enter... Shit, that's not right.
Jubilee Road
Muncy, Pennsylvania
3PM But That Doughnut Looked So Good!
Nurse walks out to designated smoking area as her pager goes off.
Nurse, shaking her head in disgust: 'Emergency!' Of course. Why these people gotta be goin' into diabetic shock when I wanna go outside? [Sits down to smoke cigarette.]
1031 SW Fleming Court
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Jonna
2PM Two Dollars at Hooters Is Like a Hundred Bucks at the Cheetah Club
Creative designer to secretary: I only have two dollars to go to Hooters tonight. Do you know where the petty cash is hidden so that I can borrow some money?
Ardice Avenue
Eustis, Florida
Overheard by: serena
1PM I Liked It Better When We Were Doing the Whole Cat's in the Cradle Thing
Middle-aged dad: Frankie Laine died.
20-ish son: Who the fuck is Frankie Laine?
Middle-aged dad: He was a great singer. He sang the theme from Blazing Saddles.
20-ish son: That was 40 fucking years ago. What did he die of, irrelevancy?
Middle-aged dad: You're too young to appreciate anything.
20-ish son: I fucking hate it when you say that.
Blockbuster
Oceanside, California
12PM Um, Fire-Retardant, Bullet-Proof Paper Bags
Angry old engineer: Goddammit! This company couldn't engineer its way out of a paper bag with a fucking uzi and a blowtorch! What the fuck is it that we do around here?!
5634 University Avenue
Denver, Colorado
11AM What I Can See Is Beige
Man: What color is your interior?
Lady: Excuse me?
Man: Uh, uh... Uh... of your car.
Lady: Ohhh.
Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: it's NOT all pink on the inside, i guess
10AM Just Put It on the Table and Back Away
Englishman: Can I have a tablespoon, please?
Puzzled waitress: Is that a spoon?
University and 30th Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Zombie
9AM I Hear a Lot of Things
Woman: I heard that if a pregnant woman gets a flu shot, the baby has all sorts of birth defects, like 12 heads and two feet.
Municipal Building
New Jersey
5PM Phew! I Haven't Either
Manager going to lunch with friend: Did you leave yet?!
Friend: Um, no.
360 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM ... For Babymaking
Partner: If you're busy making a baby, tell me that. I just want to know who is available.
Tysons Corner
Virginia
3PM It Was the 'Let's All Go to the Lobby' Promo
Lady peon: Oh my god, last night I saw the most confusingest movie ever.
Barnie's Coffee and Tea
Jupiter, Florida
Overheard by: Bored Coffee Girl
2PM Well, Sir, That's Really What the Back Colon Is For
IT guy: So you don't want everyone to have access?
Boss: I just don't want anyone to be able to type slash, back colon, or whatever, and the system goes for a shite.
IT guy: Ya.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Define Back Colon
1PM It Was Riding the Deer
Teacher #1: My dad hit a deer once!
Teacher #2: Oh, really?! Did it die?
Teacher #1: Yeah, and it totally wrecked the car, too.
Teacher #2: My dad hit a cow!
Teacher #1: Oh... Well, my dad hit a whale!
Bexhill College
England
Overheard by: Corinne
12PM When It's Done, the Spine Will Be Tingling
VP: The publishing of the book will take a long time because it requires a hand job.
Bethesda, Maryland
11AM Keith Gets 30 Days in the Hole
Manager to three people working in cubicle: What are you all doing in here?!
Male coworker: There's a dead mouse in my cube.
Lady coworker: This is Keith*. He's a temp, but there's nowhere for him to sit, so they're all in my cube.
Manager: What are you doing about the mouse?!
Male coworker: Some guy came up and removed the filing cabinets and found the mouse. But he had to call a guy in another union to come and pick up the mouse.
Manager: What the fuck? This is unbelievable.
Lady coworker: It's like an overcrowded prison in here.
Manager: Oh, I'll show you prison [leaves].
Keith: Is she mad?
Male coworker: Isn't this fun?
777 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
10AM But They're Starting to Learn to Chew through Their Gags
News editor: I've already passed the high point of my day where I mute Regis and Kelly.
101 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: an amused underling
9AM It's Too Much with Me
Five-year-old: I'm taking a break.
Young librarian: What are you taking a break from?
Five-year-old: ... The world.
2110 Library Lane
Grand Forks, North Dakota
5PM What about That Joe Pesci Movie?
Pledge drive volunteer: Would you like to pledge to fight hunger and homelessness?
College guy: No thanks, man.
Pledge drive volunteer: How about pledging to make higher education more affordable?
College guy: Dude, homeless people don't even go to college...
470 West 7th Street
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: pledging
4PM The English Don't Think So
Suit #1: He's from England, from some place called Portsmouth. I think it's spelled P-O-R-T-S-M-I-T-H, but it's pronounced like Ports Mouth.
Suit #2: Wait. Is it Ports Mouth, or Ports Smith?
Suit #1: I don't know. It's some place in Europe, I think.
Hotel
Kowloon, Hong Kong
China
Overheard by: Embarrassed American
3PM Yeah, I'm Like 1/4 Lizard
Office grunt: My grandfather used to exfoliate with Comet.
Buckhead Loop
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: OMG
2PM Bad Ideas Seem So Harmless in the Beginning
Drone #1: I wonder how many modifications it would take to convert an old Beetle to Darth Vader's helmet?
Drone #2: Probably not too many.
Metro Park
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: I want one.
1PM But That Implies You'd Rather Get the TV Than The...
Grunt #1: I figured out the perfect way to get the TV remote from my wife late at night.
Grunt #2: Yeah?
Grunt #1: I act horny. She'd rather give up the TV than give up the ass.
46 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM The Secret Is in the Expense
Cube dweller: You would not believe what an expensive soy sauce can do!
535 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
11AM Lest the Keepers of the Books Wreak a Terrible Vengeance
Homeless guy #1: Damn! I just got kicked out of the library! Damn!
Homeless guy #2: What did you do, man?
Homeless guy #1: I don't know. I don't know.
Homeless guy #2: Aren't you drunk?
Homeless guy #1: Well, yeah. Also, I might have been looking at dirty pictures on the computer.
Homeless guy #2: Aw, that's not so bad.
Homeless guy #1: And they said that I was being disrespectful to the librarians.
Homeless guy #2, freaking out: No way, man! You can never, never disrespect the librarians! Always respect librarians! What were you thinking? Are you an idiot?
Outside Boulder Public Library
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Librarian on break
10AM And That's How She Won the Intel Science Competition
Student: But she did it with a chimera.
4200 Emile Street
Omaha, Nebraska
9AM I'm Going to Give Him One More Chance...
Chick #1: He didn't even give me flowers today.
Chick #2: I can't believe that.
Chick #1: I know. I mean, if you fuck a girl and knock her up, you give her flowers on Valentine's Day, miscarriage or not.
Chick #2: For real.
McCormick Road
Hunt Valley, Maryland
Overheard by: Jenna
5PM Twice Shy
Veteran employee: Looks like all the seats are taken for the meeting.
Newbie: Well, there are some by me -- looks like I am somewhat of a pariah!
Veteran employee: What? Oh you mean piranha -- the word is 'piranha.' It's a fish from, like, Australia. Oh, wait, does that mean you're gonna bite me?
75 Washington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
4PM But, Sadly, Never in the Same Room As a Map
Manager: Be sure that you take a coat with you if go over there, because when it's warm here, it's cold there.
Employee: In England?
Manager: Yeah, their summer is like our winter.
Employee: I don't think so.
Manager, frustrated: Well, it's true. I went there in May, and it was freezing. I had to wear a jacket all the time. They're in, like, a different hemisphere, or something.
Employee, laughing: No, they aren't. They're just further North than we are, and their climate's a little different. Australia's in a different hemisphere. England is in the same hemisphere that we are -- North... West.
Manager, in a cold fury: Look. I've been there.
Hamilton Drive
Smithfield, North Carolina
Overheard by: westward ho
3PM Taco Blackouts Are the Worst, Man
Peon #1: It smells like someone took a huge shit. What the hell is that?
Peon #2: It's the tacos. I had tacos for lunch. Does it smell like tacos?
69 North 69th Street
New York, New York
2PM The More I Think about It, the More Willing I Become
Worker girl: I have to clean my room when I get home tonight. Clothing is everywhere.
Worker guy: Why? Are you having someone come over?
Worker girl: Not planning on it, but you never know.
Worker guy: Why the hell do you bother picking up clothing? Maybe if it were actually filthy... But if you're going to let a guy look at your vagina, he should be willing to deal with a shirt on your floor.
McLean, Virginia
Overheard by: Well He's Right
1PM This Just In: Jerry Falwell and Jerry Garcia -- Separated at Birth
Cube rat #1 reading email: Is... Jason Smith* kin to Jason Ellis*?
Cube rat #2, in coddling tone: [Sigh] Just because their first names are the same doesn't mean they are related.
Cube rat #1: Oh, okay.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Hey, Artie, Do We Take Money?
Cashier: And what form of payment will you be using today?
Customer: Money.
Robb Drive
Reno, Nevada
11AM But in a Way That Keeps Me Coming Back
Stall #1: ... And so last week I told him the next time he wants a booty call, don't call me!
Stall #2: So, like, did he call you again?
Stall #1: Yeah, and I went over there last night. He's such a jerk!
Office
Rochester, Michigan
Overheard by: pee quiet
10AM That Was a Hint, Brainiac
Coworker: Here you go, sir. Enjoy the show!
Drunk customer, after buying Justin Timberlake tickets: Oh, these aren't for me, but I'll enjoy the head I'm getting for buying these tickets.
Ticket Center, Willowbrook Mall
Wayne, New Jersey
Overheard by: Glad he didn't come to my window
9AM Substantial Evidence of a Rocky Mountain High
20-something chick: Was it Colorado?
20-something dude: Yeah, that sounds right. There were a lot of unicorns.
Auburn, Massachusetts