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March 2007 Archives
5PM No, Black Women
Coworker: One of my high school teachers was fired for having inappropriate relationships with students... Apparently he had a thing for sisters.
New girl: Like nuns?
32 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
4PM They Revoked His Geek Credentials That Same Day
Office worker: I can't get into MAS. My codes aren't working.
Tech, after trying to enter codes: What the fuck? Now the numbers aren't even coming up.
Office worker, five minutes later: Uh, dude, you're using my calculator.
Tech: Son of a bitch!
Illinois
Overheard by: G$
3PM Like Mothballs, with a Hint of Vicks
Guy: I can't stand Red Bull. It tastes like old people.
Girl drinking Red Bull: You know what that tastes like?
Lucent Boulevard
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Red Bull Ben
2PM That Was Meant to Be More of a Roar
Coworker #1: I'm like a shark. Rawr. Rawr.
Coworker #2: Sharks don't growl.
15 East 16th Street
New York, New York
1PM The Terrible Twos, Huh?
Lady coworker, after hanging up: So, have you ever been called a 'piece of shit' by your daughter?
West 26th Street
New York, New York
12PM No Peace, but a Sword for You, My Friend
Coworker on phone: Jesus told me if you come over to fuck you up.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Jesus Freak
11AM I'd Be a Lesbian, but I Can't Afford the Union Dues
Middle-aged lady to others in lunchroom: I don't know. For me, whenever there is male full-frontal nudity, the movie instantly becomes a comedy.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
10AM Geez, I'm Getting All Stressed Here
Over-zealous professor talking about tribal genital mutilation: ... So the viewers experienced more stress when they watched the people getting their genitals whacked off! They got whacked off!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
9AM They Don't Tell Me What They're Storing, and I Don't Ask
Deputy: That guy told the judge that the crack they found up his ass wasn't his.
Police station
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: more information than anyone needed
5PM You Want Mine? I'm Suddenly Not Hungry Anymore
Boss: I hate these burritos. The ingredients aren't mixed up at all. It's like a fetus they mangled into a tortilla.
North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Developer
4PM And Type with the Other Hand
Female manager to male manager as screensaver turns on during presentation: You need to jiggle your thing.
New York, New York
Overheard by: i LOVE my job
3PM Also Thinks Everyone from 'Idaho' Is a Slut
Coworker #1: I don't know, he was weird. And plus, I've never dated a guy from Indiana...
Coworker #2: Wait... He was Indian?
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Cubica
2PM Hers and Her Husband's
Waitress #1: My sister is in the hospital because she just had her second liver transplant.
Waitress #2: Oh my god! Both of them?!
Waitress #1: Both of whats?
Waitress #2: Both of her livers?!
Waitress #1, turning to manager guy: Do you want to tell her, or should I?
McHenry, Illinois
Overheard by: Thank God I'm Me
1PM All They're Good for Is Committing Bank Robberies
Woman: Be still, we have to wait for our turn.
Kid: Why are we here?
Woman: We're returning a package.
Kid: Why?
Woman: Because I don't want it.
Kid: What's in it?
Woman: I don't know. I think it's pantyhose.
Kid: You don't want the pantyhose?
Woman: No, I don't want the pantyhose.
Kid: Why?
Woman: Because pantyhose are evil.
Post office
Leander, Texas
Overheard by: Faedorah
12PM And What about the Lady Who Told Me It Would Be 2,880 Minutes?
CSR: Yes, if you do your payment online it can take two business days to post.
Customer: The other person told me 48 hours! Which one is it? I'm always given different information!
411 Smithfield Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: mrswackado
11AM Would You Like Some Candy?
IT guy: Pretty much everyone who works here is either a computer geek or a pedophile.
HR lady walking by: Hey, I'm not a computer geek.
Richmond Hill
Ontario
Canadia
10AM Tissues Would've Been the Logical Commodity
Customer service manager on personal call: You went to somebody's funeral and sold purses?!
Chamblee, Georgia
Overheard by: achooAlison
9AM Tinted Chromosomes
Coworker #1: You've got really pretty eyes.
Coworker #2: Thanks.
Coworker #1: It's like you've got, um... What is it...?
Coworker #3: Downs Syndrome?
Coworker #1: Contact lenses.
Kmart
Adelaide
South Australia
5PM So I Took Some Video to Corroborate My Assertions
Coworker: Sometimes it amazes me just how much poop comes out of my body.
80 Broadway
Somerville, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Orlando Furioso
4PM But It Feels So Right
Girl recording office voicemail: If you know the person you are wishing to enter... Shit, that's not right.
Jubilee Road
Muncy, Pennsylvania
3PM But That Doughnut Looked So Good!
Nurse walks out to designated smoking area as her pager goes off.
Nurse, shaking her head in disgust: 'Emergency!' Of course. Why these people gotta be goin' into diabetic shock when I wanna go outside? [Sits down to smoke cigarette.]
1031 SW Fleming Court
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Jonna
2PM Two Dollars at Hooters Is Like a Hundred Bucks at the Cheetah Club
Creative designer to secretary: I only have two dollars to go to Hooters tonight. Do you know where the petty cash is hidden so that I can borrow some money?
Ardice Avenue
Eustis, Florida
Overheard by: serena
1PM I Liked It Better When We Were Doing the Whole Cat's in the Cradle Thing
Middle-aged dad: Frankie Laine died.
20-ish son: Who the fuck is Frankie Laine?
Middle-aged dad: He was a great singer. He sang the theme from Blazing Saddles.
20-ish son: That was 40 fucking years ago. What did he die of, irrelevancy?
Middle-aged dad: You're too young to appreciate anything.
20-ish son: I fucking hate it when you say that.
Blockbuster
Oceanside, California
12PM Um, Fire-Retardant, Bullet-Proof Paper Bags
Angry old engineer: Goddammit! This company couldn't engineer its way out of a paper bag with a fucking uzi and a blowtorch! What the fuck is it that we do around here?!
5634 University Avenue
Denver, Colorado
11AM What I Can See Is Beige
Man: What color is your interior?
Lady: Excuse me?
Man: Uh, uh... Uh... of your car.
Lady: Ohhh.
Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: it's NOT all pink on the inside, i guess
10AM Just Put It on the Table and Back Away
Englishman: Can I have a tablespoon, please?
Puzzled waitress: Is that a spoon?
University and 30th Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Zombie
9AM I Hear a Lot of Things
Woman: I heard that if a pregnant woman gets a flu shot, the baby has all sorts of birth defects, like 12 heads and two feet.
Municipal Building
New Jersey
5PM Phew! I Haven't Either
Manager going to lunch with friend: Did you leave yet?!
Friend: Um, no.
360 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM ... For Babymaking
Partner: If you're busy making a baby, tell me that. I just want to know who is available.
Tysons Corner
Virginia
3PM It Was the 'Let's All Go to the Lobby' Promo
Lady peon: Oh my god, last night I saw the most confusingest movie ever.
Barnie's Coffee and Tea
Jupiter, Florida
Overheard by: Bored Coffee Girl
2PM Well, Sir, That's Really What the Back Colon Is For
IT guy: So you don't want everyone to have access?
Boss: I just don't want anyone to be able to type slash, back colon, or whatever, and the system goes for a shite.
IT guy: Ya.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Define Back Colon
1PM It Was Riding the Deer
Teacher #1: My dad hit a deer once!
Teacher #2: Oh, really?! Did it die?
Teacher #1: Yeah, and it totally wrecked the car, too.
Teacher #2: My dad hit a cow!
Teacher #1: Oh... Well, my dad hit a whale!
Bexhill College
England
Overheard by: Corinne
12PM When It's Done, the Spine Will Be Tingling
VP: The publishing of the book will take a long time because it requires a hand job.
Bethesda, Maryland
11AM Keith Gets 30 Days in the Hole
Manager to three people working in cubicle: What are you all doing in here?!
Male coworker: There's a dead mouse in my cube.
Lady coworker: This is Keith*. He's a temp, but there's nowhere for him to sit, so they're all in my cube.
Manager: What are you doing about the mouse?!
Male coworker: Some guy came up and removed the filing cabinets and found the mouse. But he had to call a guy in another union to come and pick up the mouse.
Manager: What the fuck? This is unbelievable.
Lady coworker: It's like an overcrowded prison in here.
Manager: Oh, I'll show you prison [leaves].
Keith: Is she mad?
Male coworker: Isn't this fun?
777 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
10AM But They're Starting to Learn to Chew through Their Gags
News editor: I've already passed the high point of my day where I mute Regis and Kelly.
101 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: an amused underling
9AM It's Too Much with Me
Five-year-old: I'm taking a break.
Young librarian: What are you taking a break from?
Five-year-old: ... The world.
2110 Library Lane
Grand Forks, North Dakota
5PM What about That Joe Pesci Movie?
Pledge drive volunteer: Would you like to pledge to fight hunger and homelessness?
College guy: No thanks, man.
Pledge drive volunteer: How about pledging to make higher education more affordable?
College guy: Dude, homeless people don't even go to college...
470 West 7th Street
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: pledging
4PM The English Don't Think So
Suit #1: He's from England, from some place called Portsmouth. I think it's spelled P-O-R-T-S-M-I-T-H, but it's pronounced like Ports Mouth.
Suit #2: Wait. Is it Ports Mouth, or Ports Smith?
Suit #1: I don't know. It's some place in Europe, I think.
Hotel
Kowloon, Hong Kong
China
Overheard by: Embarrassed American
3PM Yeah, I'm Like 1/4 Lizard
Office grunt: My grandfather used to exfoliate with Comet.
Buckhead Loop
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: OMG
2PM Bad Ideas Seem So Harmless in the Beginning
Drone #1: I wonder how many modifications it would take to convert an old Beetle to Darth Vader's helmet?
Drone #2: Probably not too many.
Metro Park
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: I want one.
1PM But That Implies You'd Rather Get the TV Than The...
Grunt #1: I figured out the perfect way to get the TV remote from my wife late at night.
Grunt #2: Yeah?
Grunt #1: I act horny. She'd rather give up the TV than give up the ass.
46 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM The Secret Is in the Expense
Cube dweller: You would not believe what an expensive soy sauce can do!
535 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
11AM Lest the Keepers of the Books Wreak a Terrible Vengeance
Homeless guy #1: Damn! I just got kicked out of the library! Damn!
Homeless guy #2: What did you do, man?
Homeless guy #1: I don't know. I don't know.
Homeless guy #2: Aren't you drunk?
Homeless guy #1: Well, yeah. Also, I might have been looking at dirty pictures on the computer.
Homeless guy #2: Aw, that's not so bad.
Homeless guy #1: And they said that I was being disrespectful to the librarians.
Homeless guy #2, freaking out: No way, man! You can never, never disrespect the librarians! Always respect librarians! What were you thinking? Are you an idiot?
Outside Boulder Public Library
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Librarian on break
10AM And That's How She Won the Intel Science Competition
Student: But she did it with a chimera.
4200 Emile Street
Omaha, Nebraska
9AM I'm Going to Give Him One More Chance...
Chick #1: He didn't even give me flowers today.
Chick #2: I can't believe that.
Chick #1: I know. I mean, if you fuck a girl and knock her up, you give her flowers on Valentine's Day, miscarriage or not.
Chick #2: For real.
McCormick Road
Hunt Valley, Maryland
Overheard by: Jenna
5PM Twice Shy
Veteran employee: Looks like all the seats are taken for the meeting.
Newbie: Well, there are some by me -- looks like I am somewhat of a pariah!
Veteran employee: What? Oh you mean piranha -- the word is 'piranha.' It's a fish from, like, Australia. Oh, wait, does that mean you're gonna bite me?
75 Washington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
4PM But, Sadly, Never in the Same Room As a Map
Manager: Be sure that you take a coat with you if go over there, because when it's warm here, it's cold there.
Employee: In England?
Manager: Yeah, their summer is like our winter.
Employee: I don't think so.
Manager, frustrated: Well, it's true. I went there in May, and it was freezing. I had to wear a jacket all the time. They're in, like, a different hemisphere, or something.
Employee, laughing: No, they aren't. They're just further North than we are, and their climate's a little different. Australia's in a different hemisphere. England is in the same hemisphere that we are -- North... West.
Manager, in a cold fury: Look. I've been there.
Hamilton Drive
Smithfield, North Carolina
Overheard by: westward ho
3PM Taco Blackouts Are the Worst, Man
Peon #1: It smells like someone took a huge shit. What the hell is that?
Peon #2: It's the tacos. I had tacos for lunch. Does it smell like tacos?
69 North 69th Street
New York, New York
2PM The More I Think about It, the More Willing I Become
Worker girl: I have to clean my room when I get home tonight. Clothing is everywhere.
Worker guy: Why? Are you having someone come over?
Worker girl: Not planning on it, but you never know.
Worker guy: Why the hell do you bother picking up clothing? Maybe if it were actually filthy... But if you're going to let a guy look at your vagina, he should be willing to deal with a shirt on your floor.
McLean, Virginia
Overheard by: Well He's Right
1PM This Just In: Jerry Falwell and Jerry Garcia -- Separated at Birth
Cube rat #1 reading email: Is... Jason Smith* kin to Jason Ellis*?
Cube rat #2, in coddling tone: [Sigh] Just because their first names are the same doesn't mean they are related.
Cube rat #1: Oh, okay.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Hey, Artie, Do We Take Money?
Cashier: And what form of payment will you be using today?
Customer: Money.
Robb Drive
Reno, Nevada
11AM But in a Way That Keeps Me Coming Back
Stall #1: ... And so last week I told him the next time he wants a booty call, don't call me!
Stall #2: So, like, did he call you again?
Stall #1: Yeah, and I went over there last night. He's such a jerk!
Office
Rochester, Michigan
Overheard by: pee quiet
10AM That Was a Hint, Brainiac
Coworker: Here you go, sir. Enjoy the show!
Drunk customer, after buying Justin Timberlake tickets: Oh, these aren't for me, but I'll enjoy the head I'm getting for buying these tickets.
Ticket Center, Willowbrook Mall
Wayne, New Jersey
Overheard by: Glad he didn't come to my window
9AM Substantial Evidence of a Rocky Mountain High
20-something chick: Was it Colorado?
20-something dude: Yeah, that sounds right. There were a lot of unicorns.
Auburn, Massachusetts
5PM It's Clogged! Get the Plunger!
Tech #1: Have you read the email from the project managers?
Tech #2: Yes, I have. Would you like to create the reply?
Tech #1: Are you asking me to flush out the stupid?
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
4PM And Here I Am Giving It Away for Free Like a Sucker
Office grunt #1: So, why are you taking off on Friday?
Office grunt #2: To lay some pipe. 'Cause layin' pipe pays more than this job does.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Giggling Silently
3PM Oh, Triple-H! Take Me Away from All This!
Little girl running to discounted WWE book half her size: Yes! Now I've got it!
Waldenbooks, Victoria Mall
Victoria, Texas
2PM I Have to Go Change My Pants
Intern: Lou* just said he really likes my sense of humor! He said I'm self-defecating! Can you believe it? Lou thinks I'm self-defecating -- he thinks I sit in my own shit! Lou's so cool.
Lou, two cubes away: I said 'self-deprecating,' you idiot.
Intern: Oh.
6707 Democracy Boulevard
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: One cubicle over
1PM Ironically, During the Actual Nuclear War He Handled Himself Fine
ERT member: Sir, you need to exit the building for the evacuation drill.
Employee re-entering building: I'm emotionally distraught. I can't participate.
Midwest
12PM Always Playing the Wushu Card
White coworker: We should go on the walking trail after work sometime.
Asian coworker: Yeah, that sounds like fun!
White coworker: I would feel safer with you because no one would attack us because they would think you know kung-fu.
Asian coworker: [Silence.]
Fayetteville, Arkansas
11AM I Looked Forward to Coming to Work
Supervisor: It's too bad our schedules are getting so full. It used to be that whenever someone needed to get off, someone else could put out for them.
666 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: The happy new guy in the office
10AM I Thought in Detail about Your Public Humiliation
Employee #1: I was watching American Idol, and I thought of you.
Grotesquely singing employee #2: Oh my gosh! That's so special!
Financial center
New York, New York
9AM ... For Less Than $2.99 a Minute
Boss on phone: Hi! I just wanted to call and see if you were all sparkly from all that fairy dust I sprinkled on you. You are? That's so hot!
Underling: I should so not be hearing this.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
5PM Yes... Yes... You'll Understand Why When You Meet Him
CSR on phone: So, we've set you an appointment with the specialist. His name is Allen*... and Allen is a guy.
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM There's No Room for Books at This Water Cooler
Coworker: Did you watch The Office last night?
Temp: No, I was reading.
Coworker: Well, buddy, you're working XYZ* Cable now. You better catch up so you know what we're talking about.
Temp: I'm a temp, I'm done this week anyway.
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Sixtwentysix
3PM 'Cause of Admission'
Patient looking at insurance form: Where this says 'Relation to patient,' what do I put?
Insurance employee: You can put 'Husband,' 'Spouse'... 'Love slave.'
6721 Lake Harbour Drive
Midlothian, Virginia
Overheard by: Pip
2PM In My Defense, I Also Talk about Sex All Day Long
Chick: Dude, you're such a poser. You talk about food all day long and then go home and eat salad. You're not a real fatty like me. Talk to me when you join the club.
500 West 4th Street
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
1PM Luckily Everybody Drinks
Male realtor: Have you ever been to England?
Lady office manager: No, why?
Male realtor: The women there are really ugly no matter how horny you are.
Highway 19
Florida
12PM Oh, Go Ahead -- I Need to Lose Some Weight, Anyway
Black woman: Cecil* has this giant boil on his back and he got this idea about using the vacuum cleaner...
White woman: Stop! I'm eating lunch here. No stories about boils.
Black woman: Would a story about Cecil's idea about constipation and a vacuum cleaner be alright?
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM Or at Least According to My Dramatic Reconstruction of the Evening
Hung-over guy on cell: I'm telling you, I didn't rape her! She said we could have sex, right before she passed out.
On way to class
Virginia
Overheard by: I wanted to follow him and keep listening
10AM Oh, Wait! Was He That Guy in Bill and Ted?
History major associate: That little dude is such a jerk! He's got a major Napoleon complex going on.
Blonde assistant manager: Really? But he doesn't have a big nose or curly hair or glasses...
History major associate: What? Not Napoleon Dynamite! Napoleon Bonaparte!
Blonde assistant manager: Oh. I don't know then, I don't watch the news.
Overpriced soap store
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: she's our assistant manager
9AM Natural Selection Blows It Again
Chick #1: I miss birth control.
Chick #2: Me, too. Condoms are complicated.
South Inwood Road
Dallas, Texas
5PM Oh, Hell, I'm Smoking Right Now
Employee #1: Do you smoke?
Employee #2: I don't. Um, I try not to. Well, I did yesterday.
171 Nepean Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: chain
4PM I'm Having No Trouble Suspending My Disbelief
Cube dweller: I can't believe I haven't taken a shower in a week. You can't tell, can you?
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: GeBuJuJu
3PM I Suppose I Could Have Tested Each One, But...
Newbie walking over to Poland Spring water machine: You know, I've never known which one of these is colder.
Boss: What you mean?
Newbie: I've never been sure if the red tab gives you colder water than the blue tab.
Boss: [Stares.]
Newbie: Do you know?
Boss: Yeah. It's the blue tab.
Newbie: Are you sure?
Boss: [Walks away.]
31 West Grove Street
Middleboro, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Ryan Engley
2PM The Wrong Sort of Angel
Radio: 'So if your life has been touched by alcohol or substance abuse...'
Construction guy: That's me!
125th Street and Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
1PM It's the Enemy of Eye-Hand Coordination
Designer: Hey, I'm photoshopping -- no spanking!
West 5th Avenue
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: designgrl
12PM Why Are You Looking at Me Like That?
Male boss to female employee: The best way to learn is on your knees. That way they don't fall as far if you drop them.
Orlando, Florida
11AM Betty: Yet Another Ingenious Excuse to Get Out of Working
Tech guy: Yeah, Betty* left a Post-it at my desk because her computer was broken -- it wouldn't turn on, but then when I got there it seemed to be fine.
HR rep: Oh, she actually came to me about it so I just left the Post-it for her just in case, but I'm pretty sure the reason it wouldn't turn on was because she was pressing the big round Dell symbol instead of the start button.
5700 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I can turn on my computer
10AM To Prevent Monkey-Deficiency Anemia
Cube dweller: I think you just need to eat more monkey...
731 Fairfield Court
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: it actually made sense at the time
9AM Never Anywhere Near a Diaper
Toddler: What are you doing?
Mom: I'm changing your diaper.
Toddler: Now what are you doing?
Mom: I'm wiping you.
Toddler: Where's my penis?
Mom: It's right there.
Toddler: Where's Daddy?
Stop & Shop
New Paltz, New York
5PM ... And She Lives in Nepal
Student: If I put more stamps on it, will it go faster? My sister's birthday is tomorrow.
Middlebury College Mail Center
Middlebury, Vermont
Overheard by: Disgruntled Mail Worker
4PM So We Can Punish the Innocent
Employee to systems guy: So, first of all, we want the truth.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM It's the Tragedy of the Human Condition
Office grunt: Sometimes you get a hole in your bag and you lose your chicken.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
2PM The Long-Term Effects of Excessive Childhood Prank Calling
New legal secretary: Excuse me, is it Miss D. Meanor or Miss Demeanor?
Solicitor: You cannot be that stupid...
Plymouth
United Kingdom
1PM Could You Be Any Less Supportive?
Blonde in scrubs: When people around me are sick and won't stay home I'm not coming to work.
Redhead in scrub: You are a nurse.
Blonde in scrubs: I hate having sick people around me.
Redhead in scrubs: You are a nurse.
Blonde in scrubs: If a person is sick they should stay at home.
Redhead in scrubs: This is a hospital.
1100 Marshall Street
Little Rock, Arkansas
12PM It Told Me to Ask You for a Raise
Girl: Just so you know, I have a gigantic cyst on my vagina.
9050 Washington Boulevard
Culver City, California
11AM Why the President Has a Press Secretary
CSR interrupting production meeting: Hey, sorry, but Dan* from XYZ company wants to know when he can expect his job.
Tech supervisor, screaming: Tell him when hell fucking freezes over! Jesus! I'm fucking tired of these pushy customers! And their shitty little jobs!
CSR: Okay... That's uh... He's uh... standing right over there...
Tech supervisor: [Stunned silence.]
Boss: Well, you can go take care of that one, buddy... He's all yours.
1st Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Mouth opened, foot inserted
10AM Filed in the Necrophiliac Section? Incompetent Bastards.
Chick: What is this, pedophile music?
Munkegata, Oslo
Norway
9AM Last Month This Big Girl Sat on My Head
Stylist: How do you want your hair?
Customer: Short on the sides and blended with no weight line. I don't want to look like a circumcised penis.
Great Clips
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Yeah - one is enough
5PM Since No High-Profile Plane Crashes Have Happened Recently, Everyone Laughed Good-Naturedly at the Pilot's Joke
Pilot: Folks we'll be flying at 28 thousand feet today, however, the folks at maintenance only gave us enough fuel to fly at 22 thousand feet. So, we'll see what happens. Enjoy your flight!
Delta Airlines flight
4PM Men Have a Gift for Compartmentalizing Information
Janitor #1: Daaamn man, I feel you!
Janitor #2: Yeah, man, but then there was that other thing...
Janitor #1: What you talkin' 'bout, man? She's fucking hot!
Janitor #2: The whole gang-rape thing. Dunno 'bout that.
Janitor #1: ... Oh.
Main Breezeway, Johns Hopkins Hospital
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: just another med student
3PM That Requires Dinner, a Certain Charm, and All the Steps on This Process Map
Managing director handing envelope to secretary: Do you have a wet thing?
17 State Street
New York, New York
2PM What Kind of Focus Group Is This, Anyway?
Copy chief: I'd rather see hooters than toe fungus any day.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
1PM I Didn't Go to MIT to Under-engineer Things
Boss: So, how can we cut our costs?
Engineer #1: We could add cheap filler to the plastic.
Engineer #2: But that would reduce the strength.
Engineer #1: Okay, so it wouldn't work for a space station, but it will work on a bucket.
2100 Adelbert Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Just passing through
12PM The Kids Will Reduce Him to a Skeleton in Minutes
Coworker #1 on phone: Yes, this is Allie*... [Screams.]
Coworker #2: What's wrong?
Coworker #1: They think my prize steer is loose on the playground.
741 Griffin Road
Albany, New York
11AM You'll Have to Find Someplace Else to Store Your Plastic Scuba Divers
Principal over loud speaker: Attention, students, I repeat: the 400-level office is not an aquarium!
Montour High School Administration Building
McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: nemo
10AM The Wind in Willow
Tall lady: This wind is blowing up in my vagina!
Suit: I thought I heard something.
Taylor Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: stan
9AM The Global War on Terror Hits Another Snag
Tech #1: There. Translations are done. All nine languages.
Tech #2: That was fast. I didn't even know you spoke Arabic much less any of the others.
Tech #1: It's easy -- just highlight the text and change the font.
Tech #2: What?!
Tech #1: Yeah. We should hear back from the Army in a day or so. I went ahead and sent the new files off.
Tech #2: [Huge sigh.]
2000 Peachtree Industrial Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM Or Shaped Like Giant Doorways, in Case of Earthquakes
Guy clerk: Hey, this safety pamphlet says to get into the bathtub if a tornado is coming.
Gal clerk: Well, duh, why don't they just build houses shaped like giant bathtubs?
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM It's an Executive Privilege
Boss: I think it's time for a sodey!
Coworker: What, like, mix it yourself?
Boss: Yup! I'm going to jerk it right here at my desk!
Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: talking-to-hr-about-moving-my-desk
3PM No, Just Lilies
Supervisor #1: Did one of you guys grab my obituary off the printer?
Employee: You're dead?
Supervisor #2: Let's go see if she has anything good on her desk.
19th Street and Douglas Street
Iowa
Overheard by: Lloyd
2PM It's an Old Alaskan Prostitute Adage
Coworker #1: Man, it's cold in this room.
Coworker #2, pointing to thermostat: If you're cold, blow on that.
Coworker #1: What's that going to do for me? [Pause.] If it will make me warm, I'll blow anything.
Broad Street
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Coworker #3
1PM Well Played, Gang
Project manger: From now on all of the questions are going to be rhetorical.
Group on speakerphone: [Silence.]
Project manager: You know what rhetorical means, don't you?
Group on speakerphone: [Silence.]
Project manager: Anyway...
Fairfax, Virginia
12PM Reminds Me of My Days As a Teenager in Jersey
Hissing sound comes from reception area.
New graphics intern: Is that compressed air?
Admin: Oh, yeah.
New graphics intern: Sweet.
Washington, DC
11AM Which Is Probably Why All My Blowfish Keep Dying
Disgruntled employee: I like my rage. I hold it close, like a really scratchy blanket. Or a blowfish.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM I Thought That Was 'Revise Facts to Fit Hypothesis'
Five-year-old boy: I have a tooth that's loose! It's gonna come out, and then I'm gonna put it under a pillow, and then I'm gonna get money and buy a tooth, and then I'm gonna put it under my pillow and get money and buy a toy, and then an adult tooth will grow in.
Librarian: Wow! You learn something new every day!
Five-year-old boy: It's the basic law of science.
Library
Bronxville, New York
9AM Or Making Them Spicy
Yuppie mom on cell: I mean, I swear -- America is turning into, like, old-school Russia. You know, with like, the Gazpacho running around killing people.
Whole Foods
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Deadly and Delicious
5PM Zebra X: Sticking It to the Horse
IT guy: The serial number is T as in 'Thomas,' X as in 'zebra...'
Ephrata, Washington
Overheard by: Lost in Space
4PM You Just Need to Decide If You Want Them to Come Rescue You after One Week or Two
Insurance rep: Do you know what flood zone you're in?
Client: What are my choices?
Insurance rep: It's not really a choice, FEMA assigns them.
North Great Neck Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
3PM Why Pot Is Still Illegal
Numbers guy: Wait, where did you get these numbers from?
Boss: Wikipedia.
Numbers guy: We can't use those numbers!
Boss: Why? Only reliable people post things there so it's okay to use the numbers in the report to the FDA.
St. Louis, Missouri
2PM So You'd Have a Reason to Call Me, Hot Stuff
Receptionist: Hi, this is Pat*. I was calling to see if you wanted to set an appointment.
Customer on speakerphone: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: So, it looks like I set you an appointment before. What happened?
Customer on speakerphone: ... You cancelled it.
Receptionist: Hm. I wonder why.
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM And Eating Pimp Scout Cookies
Writer: So, if I get the new position I'll be your boss.
Designer: That's what I hear.
Writer: I could be all... pimp-slapping you if you got out of line. Or, like, assigning you all kinds of work while I'm laying on the beach drinking one percent milk.
Designer: With that raise you could be drinking whole milk!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM The Unauthorized Biography
Bookstore clerk: Hehe, there's a book called The Idiot?
Barnes & Noble
Emeryville, California
11AM Bossie and I Are Just Friends
Male graphic designer: This looks like a uterus, but it's supposed to be a cow. Can we use it?
Female boss: You don't have a girlfriend, do you?
Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: Mary
10AM Or, Like, Smart Enough to Wear a Coat
Sorority girl #1: It is so cold.
Sorority girl #2: I wish I was, like, Asian. You know, like, those masks they wear? Over their faces? That would be so warm.
Ohio University
Athens, Ohio
9AM Sounds Boring and Blasphemous, Either Way
Coworker #1: This weekend I was Wiiing for Jesus.
Coworker #2: What the hell? You took a piss for God?
Coworker #1: No, you moron -- Nintendo Wii. I played at my church's youth group fair... You are one sick bitch.
Binghamton University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Cube Farmer
5PM Two in the Skull
Worker: Didn't the doctor say that you have to lose weight because it was pressing down on your diaphragm and giving you breathing problems?
A/P drone: Men have diaphragms?
Century City, California
Overheard by: Squelch
4PM Full of Empty Pizza Boxes
Manager: Everybody who was smoking pot in here last night is fired! ... Okay, looks like I have a vacant building.
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: fired
3PM Singing Telegram?
Boss: So, your voicemail kicked me off because my message was too short. I can understand it cutting you off if you start in on a monologue, but what if you just want to leave a message saying, 'Fuck you'?
Rockefeller University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
2PM Why She Cuts the Brake-Lines on All of Her Employees' Cars
Bridal manager to front desk receptionist: Yes, I understand it's difficult to be yelled at by 30 consultants, but let's think back to last year after you were almost killed in that car accident -- wouldn't you have been lucky to be yelled at by just two consultants?
Bridal store
New York, New York
1PM Why Was He Playing with His Instrument in the Closet All by Himself?
CSR on phone: Hello? What? Your son popped his G-string on his instrument? ... Was it on his personal instrument?
Duluth, Georgia
Overheard by: Yellow
12PM It's the Next Class after Walking and Chewing Gum
Telephone grunt #1: There was someone pooping in the hallway?
Telephone grunt #2: That's what she said! Hold on, I'm going to call her. [Calls non-telephone-based grunt] She was pooping and walking? In the garage? Okay. I guess I just had to hear it again to believe it.
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Something I Would Advise Against
20-something woman to 50-something man: I am not telling you what a Dirty Sanchez is. If you're so interested just Google it!
Oak Park, Michigan
10AM You Know -- Australian Yoga
Guy: What are you going to do in Melbourne?
Girl: One of the days I'm there I'm going to go from bar to bar -- you know, just explore myself.
Mounts Bay Road
Perth
Australia
9AM Where It's Win or Lose without the Rolling Disasters
GM: So, how are you doing?
Clerk: Well, I was almost fired today, so, you know, I've been crying a lot.
GM: You know what? You should really be having fun out here! Try to have a little fun out here!
Clerk: [Blinks.]
GM: Okay! Now I have to go coach Little League!
Howe Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
5PM I Told You I'd Take Care of It
Office grunt: That lady died? She's the one that stole our air freshener out of our bathroom!
277 Coalinga Plaza
Coalinga, California
Overheard by: I love my co-worker
4PM Robert Regrets Taking Home Economics Instead of Shop
Clumsy guy: Hey, man, I need one of those banger things and some pointy shits.
Employee: Please tell me you don't mean a hammer and nails...
Clumsy guy: That's what it's called... Hammer... Yes.
Home Depot
Brook Park, Ohio
Overheard by: Telka
3PM All My Promises to Myself
Coworker #1: You touched the nipple? You broke it?
Stan*: I didn't break the nipple!
Coworker #2, walking in: What did you break, Stan?
420 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Joe Bfstplk, As I Live and Breathe!
HR lady: I remember your name. What's your name?
School
Fairfield, Ohio
1PM They're All Like, 'Boo Hoo, Who Moved My Cheese?'
Coworker to another about manager: So he said, 'If someone comes into your office crying, just ignore it. It used to freak me out, but now I realize it happens all the time.'
46th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM They Never Did, You Sick Poser
Tech: I wonder if Bert and Ernie still share a bed.
555 International Way
Springfield, Oregon
11AM 'You Suck' -- Now That's Criticism!
Angry manager: ... And you are in no way the Leah* you should be! Do I make myself clear?!
Tearful employee: ... Yes.
Angry manager: Are you always like this?
Tearful employee: No, I usually respond well to criticism, it's just--
Angry manager: --It's not criticism, it's feedback!
Pride Park, Derby
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Glad I work in another department
10AM Sometimes Only Interpretive Dance Will Do
Manager: How do you tell the client that they're an idiot? What's the wording I should use for that?
1 South Road
Harrison, Ohio
9AM Bringing the Grand Total to Three
Young, blonde female: Um, wow, I just cracked my spine and grew, like, an inch.
Male supervisor: Yeah, I just grew, like, an inch watching you.
3rd Street and Colorado Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Miss Informed
8AM Celebrity Wit
After four years of documenting the insights of the Unknown Man in the Street,
we're branching out and documenting the insights of the Celebrity, too. Let
us know what you think of our new site, Celebrity Wit, by e-mailing us at
hatemail@overheardinnewyork.com or lovemail@overheardinnewyork.com
Team Overheard
5PM Taking You to Strip Clubs Doesn't Exactly Constitute 'Feeding'
Coworker #1: Is it wrong that I was breastfed until I was 16?
Coworker #2: By your dad?
Legal Seafood
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Bottle Fed
4PM He Can Be Ready in 60 Seconds
Teacher: Can you tell me what states I might find on the West coast of the United States?
Student: The big one on the bottom. Mexico is part of the United States.
Teacher: No, that is wrong. Mexico is a country, try again.
Student: Look, my parents live here and they said we're American and they came from Mexico. It's part of the United States.
Teacher: I am telling you, you are wrong. Mexico is a country -- it has its own government.
Student: Look, if it was its own country then why is everyone just walking over here? That's what I did and I'm still here.
Another student pulls out cell: Not for long.
School, Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada
3PM US Falls to Last Place in Math Internationally
Guest: I want some popcorn shrimp.
Waitress: Do you want a half pound or three-quarter pound?
Guest: I'll have the half pound. It's bigger, so we can share.
206 West Franklin Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: HazyJay
2PM And the Lightbulb in My Head Burned Out Years Ago!
Customer on speakerphone about SUN Microsystems software: ... And powered by the sun, eh? [Pause] Oh, wait, but I don't have much daylight in my apartment...
7795 West Flagler Street
Miami, Florida
1PM But I've Realized It's Just Not Practical to Maintain a Mule in New York City
Banker lady: You know, Catherine Deneuve said, 'At a certain point you have to decide between your ass and your face...'
9 West 57th Street
New York, New York
12PM They Decided to Go Dutch and Think about Sex with Other People
Male coworker: Hey, Liz*, let's go to the movies tonight.
Female coworker: Are you gonna pay?
Male coworker: Are you gonna put out?
277 Park Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Just a Good One with a Bad Temper
Restaurant manager shooing out two vagrants: Guys, you'll have to leave. Go on.
Vagrant #1: How long you been in the klan?
Restaurant manager, taken aback: Actually, I'm Catholic and the klan is very anti-Catholic.
Vagrant #2: No. No! They were Catholics!
Restaurant manager: You're wrong. Class dismissed. Now get your ass out of here or I'll have the dish washers put you two motherfuckers in the trash compactor, ass-to-mouth.
Vagrant #1: You a bad Catholic!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM But Possibly a Can of Soup
Cashier: Wow, you're pregnant!
Customer: Yep, that's what they tell me.
Cashier: Well, it looks like you're having a boy... or a girl. Definitely a boy or a girl.
Customer: Uh...
Grocery store
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Ryan
9AM Technically You'll Be Wearing All Black and Shimmying Up the Trellis
Investigative journalist on phone: Honey, please, you've got to get me those records. Without them we don't have a story! In order to do this story, I really need you to get me those records, honey. I know you have access to them... Well, no, you won't technically be lying to the police.
TV news show
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lindsay
5PM Tonight's Movie: The Filing Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
Manager: Are you going to keep filing those signatures today?
Intern: Yes, unless you have something more exciting for me to do.
Manager: Oh, here, I have some death certificates you could file.
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Yeah, that's much better
4PM Well, Great, Glad You're Right on Top of This
Blonde receptionist: Do you have any Krazy Glue?
Paralegal: I don't think so. Why?
Blonde receptionist: My tooth fell out.
Paralegal: I think you need to see a dentist.
Blonde receptionist: No, my teeth are always falling out and I just Krazy Glue them back in.
Paralegal: Krazy Glue? Maybe that's why you've been getting all those headaches...
Blonde receptionist: No, that's because I quit smoking back in February.
Law office
Great Neck, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
3PM Joseph K Had a Difficult First Day at Castle College
Student: Hi! I need to get a list of course requirements so I can fill out this form, please.
Receptionist: Okay, we'll just need a copy of the form first.
Student: But I need the requirements to fill out the form...
Receptionist: I'm sorry, we don't work in hypotheticals.
Student: Um... okay... What was it in the past?
Receptionist: We don't file them that way. We'll need a copy of the form.
Student: So you need this form filled out so you can give me the list that I need to fill out the form?
Receptionist: Yes!
Dunster Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
2PM But Here at Mengele Inc. That's Okay
Manager: You know butadiene is a reproductive toxin, right?
Peon: A what?
Manager: Reproductive toxin -- it causes sterility.
Peon: Okay... You know, maybe we should sterilize that town... Wait, was that out loud?
Manager, laughing: Yeah.
Houston, Texas
1PM He Hates It When You Use 'Abomination'
Student #1: I thought Dan* hated it when you used the word 'retarded.'
Student #2: No, Jen* is retarded, Dan is gay.
6450 South Fiddlers Green Circle
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: Toddd
12PM I Suppose Such a Thing Is Possible, but Why?
Customer: I'd like a double hamburger.
McGenius: Is that like a double cheeseburger without cheese?
McDonald's
Bucksport, Maine
Overheard by: Mr. E. Meat
11AM The Problem with Pre-Programmed Social Banalities
Telephone salesperson: May I please speak to Eric Smith*?
Receptionist: He doesn't work here any more, can I take a message?
Telephone salesperson: No, that's okay, I'll call him back.
1270 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian
10AM And Then I Said, 'When in Rome'
Man: And I said, 'I think you've taken me to the wrong place. It's full of naked men...'
Princeton, New Jersey
9AM A Low Blow
Swedish employee: You're responsible for all the wars in the world.
Jewish employee: Well, you're responsible for... Abba.
Diehl Road
Naperville, Illinois
Overheard by: not getting sent to HR
5PM How Instant Messaging Works
Corporate peon: Did you get my message?
Field rep: No, did you leave one?
Corporate peon: Well... No.
909 Lake Carolyn Parkway
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: Bigness
4PM Sometimes a Man Just Can't Help Saluting
Military contractor: Well, on one hand he said I was one of the most efficient people he's ever worked with. On the other hand, I almost got a lieutenant kicked out under 'Don't Ask Don't Tell.'
Eglin Air Force Base
Florida
3PM Unfortunately, the Stage Name 'Mr. T' Was Already Taken
Coworker #1: Is that green tea?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: Is there such a thing as blue tea?
Coworker #2: I don't think so.
Coworker #1: Maybe blueberry flavored would be blue. Is there blueberry tea? Blue tea would be crazy!
Coworker #2, shrugging: I'm not sure. There might be, but I'm not a tea expert.
Coworker #1: I am. I'm a tea connoisseur. I know all about tea. Well, the letter T. I know all about the letter T. I can write it in all kinds of ancient, archaic languages.
Coworker #2 [Blank stare.]
9785 Towne Centre Drive
San Diego, California
2PM Why Did We Even Come in Here?
Gay customer: Excuse me, [points to employee] is that man gay?
Clerk: I'm not sure
Gay customer: He comes off as gay.
Clerk: I guess...
Gay customer, turning to boyfriend: I wouldnt bang him, would you?
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
1PM At Least None We Can Print
Cube dweller #1: Those guys out there in the warehouse are nice and seem to be doing well, but I don't know that any of them are going to go out of their way to be helpful.
Cube dweller #2: You mean 'proactive.'
Cube dweller #1: Well, yeah...
Cube dweller #2: Jack* [warehouse guy] used that term with me once -- 'proactive.'
Cube dweller #1: Uh-oh, maybe the drama out there is his fault.
Cube dweller #2: See, I always thought it was something Jessica Simpson used on her face, but he used it in a totally different way.
Cube dweller #1: ... There's no words to answer you right now...
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Friend: Ummm, You Didn't Hang Up?
Chick on cell: Uh-huh... Yeah. Okay. Call me later. [Snaps phone shut and turns to friend, loudly] So, oh my god, she has chlamydia and--
Horrified retail guy: --Okay, I didn't hear that...
Chick on cell: I did not say it that loudly... right?
Horrified friend: Yeah, you really did...
Shop 13, 1100 Pacific Highway
Canadia
Overheard by: Not that loud...
11AM Although I Did See His Face in My Door Knocker
Suit #1: I called Jim* about that question we had concerning the asset and stock consistency regs' application to foreign target affiliates.
Suit #2: Yeah? What did he say?
Suit #1: Well, apparently he had a heart attack last week and passed away. I haven't heard back from him.
Washington, DC
10AM If You Want to Be Inoffensive, Stick to Using 'Wife-beater'
Female coworker: Anyway, my brother-in-law is standing there wearing pajama pants and a guinea-tee... Oh, maybe I shouldn't say 'guinea...' I don't want to offend anyone.
Male coworker: A minute ago you suggested to our Asian coworker that he name his daughter Lynn because his last name is Lin, then you told him it would be like the giant panda, Lin Lin... And now you're worried about offending someone?
Female coworker: Oh, that's different. He knows me.
New Jersey
Overheard by: Glad she doesn't know that I'm Cuban.
9AM I Guess He Knew One before We Were Together
Trainee: My boyfriend likes this perfume. He says it smells like the inside of a clean woman.
Training class, Cosmetic company
California
5PM 'Meet, Meets, Met, Meeting...'
Client on phone: When can I schedule an appointment to conjugate a meeting?
315 North Great Neck Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
4PM Then Cancel Her?
Female coworker: She's so adorable it makes me want to lick her stamps.
Wausau, Wisconsin
3PM Then My Work Here Is Done
Boss talking about movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: And he sees the body out of the corner of his eye just when you're thinking that, and he turns and pees on it...
Female cube rat: We just had a seminar on our sexual harassment policy, and I am offended by that. I should report you.
Boss: Go ahead, I have pictures and emails.
Male cube rat: Do we have an official blackmail policy?
Black male cube rat: I take offense to that.
1771 N Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: afraid to speak
2PM It's Actually the Frown of a Man in Bifocal Denial
Clerk: Are you worried?
Rehab counselor using laptop: No. Why?
Clerk: People always look worried while they are trying to memorize the Internet.
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
1PM Might As Well Die Thin with a Hoagie in Your Mouth
Office girl #1: So, she's like, definitely got AIDS... That's what I heard.
Office girl #2: Really? No way! She's way too fat to have AIDS. It makes you really skinny.
Office girl #1: I wish I had AIDS -- you could eat whatever you liked.
Office girl #2: Yeah, I suppose... It would mean you might die, though.
Office girl #1: Hmmm, we're all gonna some day, though.
Office girl #2: Yeah.
London
England
Overheard by: Cecilia
12PM Only Under the Table
Customer: Do you sell cheeseburgers?
Jewelry store
Sydney
Australia
11AM You Should Come This Sunday
Boss: Call it 'team environment,' because I don't like the word 'culture.' It reminds me of that other word. You know, what they call my church...?
Office manager: [Stares in silence.]
Boss: Cult! They call it a cult.
Manitoba
Canadia
10AM Do You Really Think I'm Capable of Explaining That?
Boss: I don't get it. Why are these entries all wrong?
Data entry grunt: Look at the user report. Out of 75 users, 67 of them are entering the data incorrectly. We need to get those 67 in a training session so we're all on the same page.
Boss: I'm not sure how -- I've never had to do this before.
Data entry grunt: Right... Can we just take a moment here so you can explain to me why you're the manager but I'm the one that does the managing?
K-V Road
Victoria, Virginia
9AM I Think She's Good for at Least Two or Three Short Marriages
College girl #1: I was talking with my dad about it over break, and he said I really shouldn't worry about it because 90 percent of women get married. But if you think about it, that really isn't a lot. I mean, what if I'm part of that 10 percent?
College girl #2: Well, that probably includes lesbians, though.
College girl #1: Yeah! That's right! And disabled people!
Whitehead Road
Charlottesville, Virginia
Overheard by: Did she really say that?
5PM Bad Judgment, Then?
Sergeant: I need you to call an ambulance for a 32-year-old pregnant woman.
Control room operator: What do I tell them is wrong with her?
Sergeant: Well, she's pregnant!
Clark County Detention Center
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: cro
4PM That Four Corners Place Is Really Going to Freak Her Out
Boss: That lady is from Alabama. I used to visit there when I was a kid. It was only 20 to 30 minutes from my house.
Receptionist: ... But you lived in Georgia.
Orange Park, Florida
Overheard by: Tristan
3PM ... My Ears
Coworker: Huh? Dude, I can't hear you, you have your headphones in.
Cambridge, Maryland
Overheard by: Why oh why...?
2PM Wait Until He Realizes They Aren't Talking about Turkey
Chick: Who was that?
Guy: He works for one of our other brands. Isn't he hot?
Chick: Very handsome. Is he Indian or black?
Guy: Black.
Chick: Dark meat's the best.
Guy: I haven't done that yet.
Chick: Really? You haven't lived!
575 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thompson
1PM Just As Long As I Can Wear My Bandana
Guy: You seriously want to move to Halifax?
Girl: Yeah, why?
Guy: Because it means that you'll have to be a pirate as well as a lesbian.
University of Windsor
Windsor, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: colin
12PM They've Given Up Using the Suggestion Box
Voice on PA: Attention, everyone. I just found mouse droppings in the coffee grounds in the big kitchen.
Virginia
11AM Haven't We Been Through This?
CSR lady: Looks like you two are gonna have to conversate via email from now on.
Intern: Conversate? You mean 'converse'?
CSR lady: I mean 'conversate.' Same damn thing.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
10AM Why Grad Students Smoke So Much Pot
Student: I can't get this essay to say what I want it to say, and you aren't helping me!
Tutor: Well, what do you want to say, exactly?
Student: That you're an idiot who isn't helping me!
Tutor: So write that.
Student: ... Are you serious?
Tutor: Sure. Write your whole essay around it if you think you can support your argument.
Student: ... But you're the TA, so you'll be grading it later, right?
Tutor: Let me put it this way -- if you can write this argumentative essay well enough that I start to take your side, then I will give you an A for the semester.
Student: Can I get that in writing?
Tutor: Sure [writes it and signs it].
Student: Sweet. I'm head of the debate team, you know.
101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland
Overheard by: can't wait to see how this one turns out...
9AM Only If You Let It Annoy You
Cube girl on phone, laughing: That must be really annoying, someone telling you your mom's dead and then they tell you your dad's dead, too!
100 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
5PM The Waterman 'Fountains of Wayne,' for Example, Never Disappoints
Woman: Now feel this one. Don't be afraid to show your lady customers the heftier pen. Some women like to have something with a larger diameter in their hand.
Washington, DC
4PM How the Files Got Covered with Ectoplasm and Vomit
Assistant manager: I wouldn't be able to find anything in these files even with a Ouija board and a fifth of Jack Daniels.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
3PM Salesclerk Bob Guccione Asks Every Girl If She'd Like to Try on a Bathing Suit
Chick: Excuse me, do you know where I could find bedding?
Salesclerk with very heavy accent: Bedding suit?
Chick: No, not bathing suits -- bedding.
Salesclerk: [Blank stare.]
Chick: You know, pillowcases? Sheets?
Salesclerk: [Blank stare.]
Chick: Never mind.
Saks Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
2PM They're Doing a Piece on the Renaissance of the Whoopie Cushion
Editor: Never mind the farting sounds you heard from across the hall. They're nothing to worry about.
353 Sacramento Street
San Francisco, California
1PM How Did You Get Both Feet into One Sock?
Boss: You know those people from Saudi Arabia?
Assistant: Yes.
Boss: Are they Iranians?
Franklin Avenue
New York, New York
12PM I Didn't Know That
Manager: You've already lied to me twice tonight!
Waiter, louder: But I didn't know you knew I was lying!
Haynes Bridge Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
11AM And Why Does Everyone Always Ask Me That?
Boy: I don't like Oprah. She's kind of racist.
Girl: Oprah can't be racist! She's black!
Boy: Were your parents related?
Girl: What's that got to do with anything?
710 West San Augustine, Deer Park High School
Deer Park, Texas
Overheard by: Ian Jacoby
10AM Anyone Else Picturing an Ungodly 'If They Mated'?
Coworker #1: So, I've been reading What to Expect When You're Expecting, and I had no idea about the Toni Braxton-Taylor Hicks thing.
Coworker #2: ... The what?
Coworker #1: You know, the false labor...
Coworker #2: You mean Braxton Hicks?
Coworker #1: Yes, Toni Braxton-Taylor Hicks. I had no idea it was called that.
Coworker #2: It's not called that. Please stop calling it that.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: It's REALLY not called that
9AM Another Good Job Lost to Illegal Aliens
Customer, softly: Uh, someone pooped on the floor in the ladies' room.
Hostess: Ewww!
Manager: I'll get a Mexican.
Restaurant, Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Right There in the Oval Office
Office drone on phone: ... So he fit two fingers up his nose?
Back Bay
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: amused passerby
4PM He Just Ordered a Pizza
Lady cube dweller: Well, didn't you get bigger last time?
Man cube dweller: Yeah, but I was thinking about something else.
Lady cube dweller: What were you thinking about?!
Man cube dweller: Your sister.
Lady cube dweller: You're an asshole.
Man cube dweller: Well, she is my girlfriend.
4015 Shore Drive
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Not her sister
3PM What Is It with These People?
Phone rep #1: What's that?! A cheeseburger without cheese?!
Phone rep #2: Yeah. It's called a hamburger.
500 North Central Expressway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: amused coworker
2PM They're Both Wrong -- He's an IT Guy
Receptionist: This morning I was sitting up here and I looked out the window in the courtyard and there was a guy getting dressed.
Guy: Black guy? Construction boots? [Receptionist nods.] Yeah, he sleeps there.
Receptionist: Hmmm. I wouldn't think you'd wanna sleep in the courtyard of an office.
Guy: Well, I imagine if you're homeless that's one of the better spots.
Receptionist: Oh, I didn't realize he was homeless. I just thought he was resting or whatever...
2931 North Druid Hills Road
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM 'Run for the Hills' / Run for Your Life
Publisher: I like your Iron Maiden t-shirt.
Intern: Thanks! I thought I'd dress it up today!
600 Broad Street
Gadsden, Alabama
Overheard by: ListeningJournalist
12PM She's Just Trying to Avoid Tipping
Waitress: Can I help you, ma'am?
Middle-aged woman: You shouldn't call women 'ma'am.'
Waitress: Oh... Why not?
Middle-aged woman: Because 'ma'am' is short for 'madame,' which is a name for a woman who owns a brothel. Do you know what a brothel is?
Waitress: Ah, yes.
Middle-aged: Good. Besides, for young women you should call them 'miss.'
Waitress: Okay, can I help you, miss?
Middle-aged woman: Don't call me 'miss.'
Candlewood Chinese
Western Australia
11AM If You Need Further Guidance, I'll Be in My Office
Manager: We should prepare drawings for the real building instead of the fake building.
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Drewster
10AM We Don't Know, Either
Dude #1: That's impossible.
Dude #2: No, it isn't. I've seen a chick do it with a blender before.
Dude #1: Holy shit.
Sacramento City College
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Melissa
9AM You Mean Your Dog Jumped Off a Cliff?
CEO at company-wide meeting: You have to understand -- we are a relatively young company, and we are in Helen Keller mode right now.
13500 Heritage Parkway
Fort Worth, Texas
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