Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
February 2007 Archives
5PM Until You Whack the Sides of Their Heads, Engineers May Loop Indefinitely
Engineer #1: The error is not repeatable.
Engineer #2: Not repeatable?
Engineer #1: Not repeatable.
Poughkeepsie, New York
4PM Curiously Deadly
Office drone: If we die it'll be because of those Altoids.
3229 East Spring Street
Los Angeles, California
3PM 'Bobby Brown'
Boss to newbie: Yay! So, tomorrow's Casual Friday, so you don't have to wear a tie. I usually wear shorts. You know, you can get away with a lot of casual clothing, but a certain dress code does still apply. You've got to wear a shirt... Although, so far no one has tried a wife beater. Hey, that'd be a way for you to make a name for yourself!
Glastonbury Boulevard
Glastonbury, Connecticut
2PM She Evaluates Everything on That Scale
Man in plastic surgeon's waiting room: Why are you doing this?
Woman: Well, it costs less than a pool... but more than a Jacuzzi tub.
12 Greenwich Avenue
White Plains, New York
Overheard by: jenny power
1PM That's Stupid. Brontos Don't Use Tools
Female coworker hearing drilling from another part of the building: What is that noise?
Male coworker: A brontosaurus.
Female coworker: What?!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: She's... ah... tenacious
12PM The Rest of Us Will Handle the Undertaking
Action officer: It's just not the most important undertaking we have, so I'm not going to kill myself to get it done.
Admin assistant: I disagree. I always think you should kill yourself.
Pentagon, 1490 Boundary Channel Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Propagandist
11AM Can You Still Get a Refund on That Empathy Class?
Coworker after three-day absence: Oh my god! It's so stressful! My three-year-old has a double ear infection and pneumonia! I haven't slept in days!
Boss: Oh, I know! Tell me about it! My cat has colitis!
West Fayette Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Sure that's almost the same thing...
10AM Explain Penguins, Then, Brainiac
Ghetto girl: I don't give a damn! It's too cold to be cute!
50 Hurt Plaza
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Adamn
9AM Then You Lose Them and We Send You Another Set
Consultant guy: Yeah, we overnight the documents to you. It takes about a week for you to get them.
Garden City, New York
5PM Jeez, I'm Starting to Freak Here
Counter girl: I'm sorry it's taking so long, but we're really busy today, and I'm the only one here.
Sympathetic customer: Yes, it's always busier when you're the only one, isn't it?
Counter girl: Yes, especially when I'm alone.
Ybor Square
Tampa, Florida
4PM I Think I'll Keep Him
Female agent on phone: You gonna have supper ready when I get home? I don't care... Fine, chicken. Fried chicken. Whatever, get your ass in the kitchen and make me some fried chicken. Just shut up and go make me some chicken, I'll be home in an hour [hangs up]. My husband is so whipped.
Evans Building
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Going Gay
3PM And Not All of Our Patrons Can Read
Diner: Why is it that whenever 'sour cream' appears on your menu, it has an asterisk beside it?
Waiter, condescendingly: Because those dishes have sour cream in them.
800 Block, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
2PM My Job Is to Escalate the Confrontation
Angry customer: [Inaudible over phone.]
Employee: I apologize, sir. I understand your frusteration.
Angry customer: Why do you keep calling me 'sir'?
Employee: Oh! Ma'am. I apologize.
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM Unfortunately, Mick Jagger Said He'd Only Sign Breasts
Coworker #1: Good morning!
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls? The signed balls? Because it'll be really bad if you didn't!
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
12PM My God, They Could Breed!
Engineer #1: What's up? Where have you been the last couple of days?
Engineer #2: I threw my back out from wearing armor all day Sunday.
Engineer #1: Bummer. Plate mail is tough on your back. I usually wear a heating pad under it.
Commercial Street
Manchester, New Hampshire
11AM I Wouldn't Put That Off
Cajun: Now I'm thinking about filling the giant jar of babies I have with formaldehyde.
Goodwood Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Booyakish
10AM You Should Write All Important Memos There
Girl holding can of soup: Well, one can makes soup for more than one person.
Guy staring blankly: Uh-huh.
Girl: So, how many do you want to get?
Guy: I can totally see down your shirt, by the way. Now, what?
Girl: Were you listening to a word I was saying?!
Guy: No, I was staring at your breasts.
Red River H-E-B supermarket
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Natalie
9AM You're Just Too Macho to Say 'I Love Her'
Guy #1: She was hurt pretty bad in a car wreck a few years ago. She told me she hurt her knee, her back, and her brain.
Guy #2: Wait... So you have been pursuing a girl that has brain damage?
Guy #1: Hey, her vagina works.
571 South Floyd Street
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM Gimpy Joe's the Only One Who's Got Privileges
System manager: Anyone who touches my calculator limps all day!
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
4PM She Was Proven Wrong As Soon As Her Promotion Came Through
Loan officer: Ugh, I could never be a teller.
CSR, under her breath: Yeah, well, I could never be a condescending, superior bitch.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Not a teller either
3PM At Rehearsals for the New Mary Kay Letourneau Musical
Consultant: Pedophiles? Is that my cue?
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
2PM I'd Have a Camel Eat the Snow, Then Milk the Camel
Bimbette #1: Would you ever eat snow?
Bimbette #2: I dunno. Would you?
Bimbette #1: Well, imagine if you were really thirsty and in the desert and there's a whole bunch of snow...
65 St. Clair Avenue East
Toronto
Canadia
1PM I'll Show You a Graph When We Get Home
Attorney on phone: Hi, sweetie. I'm going to come pick you up after school tomorrow to take you to your appointment... Well, Mommy was going to, but she's too important to leave the office, and I'm not that important, so I can leave.
1 World Financial Center
New York, New York
12PM I Give Them a Year, Tops
Director of sales and marketing baby-talking and hugging his iBook: Some day you're going to be a dinosaur and no one is going to like you! But not me! No, I love you, little iBook.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: reservations monster
11AM The Figure '8'ish 'S' Squiggly Thing
Librarian: Jeans, brain and behavior?
Student: Uh, genes with a G.
Librarian: Like this? Gene's brain and behavior?
Student: There's no apostrophe.
Librarian: I'm not getting any results.
Student: Well, I'm pretty sure it's officially spelled with an ampersand.
Librarian: A what?
Addlestone Library
Charleston, South Carolina
10AM ... In Farsi
Office chick: Is that an Islamic newspaper?
Office guy: It's the Wall Street Journal.
15 East 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Erak
9AM That Was Just a Test Run
Boss to new receptionist: These are some of the noises I make that will annoy you. This is my mouse clicking. This is me kicking the desk in front of me. This is my chair squeaking. Oh, and sometimes I just say 'shit,' like I have Tourette's.
Receptionist: Okay... [They go back to work.]
Boss: Shit.
200 West 16th St
New York, New York
5PM Many Americans Suffer from a Defective Sense of Gravity
Passenger #1: Don't you wanna use the stairs for just one floor?
Passenger #2: Hmmm... I never know which one goes up and which one goes down.
Packed elevator, 1909 K Street
Washington, DC
4PM Well, We're at an Impasse, Then
Controller to president: I'm ready, baby, what do you wanna do? You wanna do it in my office? C'mon baby, what do you wanna do?
President: I want for you not to touch me with your viral infections.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
3PM How She Amuses Herself While Her Patients Are Under Anesthesia
Nurse to aide: You have a picture of a dick on your phone and you don't know who's it is?
Wayne Woodlands Manor, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: queen eileen
2PM Maybe It's Time to Stop Wearing Bibs at Lunch
Young-looking coworker after taking polygraph: They tried to get me to admit I was into kiddie porn.
Coworker yet to take polygraph: Dude, you look like you could still be in kiddie porn.
ASQ2
Linthicum, Maryland
1PM If Our Customers Won't Behave, We Fire Them
VP on phone with angry customer: Well, I'm sorry that nobody has been here to take your calls or return your messages yet. We've been busy in the office lately... Yes, I understand it's frustrating, but we're doing all we can... Okay, look Larry*, look -- the reason nobody's here whenever you call is because we just got caller ID last week, and everybody ignores you because nobody wants to deal with you because you're an asshole... Yeah, I heard you were a real piece of work to our receptionist... You're an asshole! Yeah? Well, I don't care if we have your business anymore. Asshole!
Beltsville, Maryland
Overheard by: The abused receptionist
12PM Many Bosses Communicate Only by Email
Boss interrupting employees: What's going on?
Girl employee in middle of conversation: Are you circumcised? [Boss turns and leaves, shaking his head.]
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Amazed Colleague
11AM Another Graduate of the Chico Marx MBA Program
Manager: ... So let him know that he has 60 cards here, and he'll be charged for all 60. If he doesn't want all 60 -- say he only wants 50 -- then take five away and bring those back.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alexis
10AM I'm Not Paying $4.50 to Rent Old Yeller and Find Out What We Already Know
Mom to daughter: All that matters is that the dog is dead.
Stop & Shop
Richmond, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Scratch
9AM I Guess I Did Mean to Sound Racist
White coworker: Hey, I don't mean to sound racist or anything, but are you Haitian?
Black coworker: Yeah, I am... But why is that racist?
White coworker: Because Haitians are dirty.
Outside Palms restaurant
Okinawa
Japan
5PM Didn't Dick Get the Pink Slip a While Ago?
Worker bee #1: FYI, dude, don't email the CEO on things that don't concern you. I was already handling that with Dick.
Worker bee #2: I'm sorry, did something happen?
Worker bee #1: Yeah, he flipped out! You just missed my ass getting totally reamed out by Dick! [Long pause.] Did I just say what I thi--
Worker bee #2: --Yeah, you did.
Worker bee #1: Fuck! I'm calling him Richard from now on!
Tysons Corner, Virginia
4PM He Wore the Suit at Football Games
Male cube dweller: Hey, have you ever had armadillo meat?
Female cube dweller: Yeah, all the time! It's awesome with onions!
Vancouver, Washington
Overheard by: Armadillo What...
3PM If You Are Caught, the Secretary Will Deny All Knowledge of Your Activities
Boss to employee: So, will you be my secret agent in the ladies' bathroom?
13th Street and F Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: wiretapper
2PM But Are You Sassy?
Pudgy girl #1: No, it's called 'Plus-Sized Models.'
Pudgy girl #1: Shut up! We fat, girl!
10 Perthshire Road
Brighton, Massachusetts
1PM Talk to the Pantone People
Manager: There's no black in here.
Ink delivery man: What?
Manager: I ordered all the colors, but there's no black.
Ink delivery man: Well, yeah... Black's not a color.
700 East North Street
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: colorblind
12PM I Try to Take Revenge at Least Once a Day
Lady: You think wearing the skin of a dead cow is cool or something? You're promoting murder by wearing that.
Leather jacket guy: I don't wear this because I like leather. I wear this because I hate cows. My father was gored to death by a bull. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Burger King.
Blockbuster Video, 14936 North Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Jonathon Flachlinie
11AM More of a Tax Shelter with a Police Force
Physics teacher: How thick do you think a steel pole would have to be that connected the Earth and the moon if there were no more gravity?
Student #1: 10 inches?
Student #2: Five miles?
Student #3: No, way bigger than that.
Physics teacher: It would be about the size of the state of New York.
Student #1: Damn.
Student #2: Ha! I was right!
Student #3: You think that New York is five miles across?!
Student #2: Okay, that's more like Delaware-sized. Is Delaware even a state?
Staples High School
Westport, Connecticut
10AM I Don't Know about You, but I Am Not Working after Death
Pilot over intercom: Sorry, folks. We've just lost power to one of our engines. Looks like our arrival time in Washington will be 40 minutes behind schedule.
Disgruntled woman: Better hope we don't lose that second engine.
Travel partner: Yeah, really.
Disgruntled woman: If we're 80 minutes late we'll miss that meeting!
Travel partner: Wait, what?
Flight from Bradley International
Windsor Locks, Connecticut
9AM Wrong on So Many Levels
Male law student #1: In chambers the judge said that as soon as those guys get to prison somebody is going to make them their bitch.
Male law student #2: So he said they'd pretty much be full-on ass-raped? Just like that?
Male law student #1: Yeah, pretty much.
Male law student #2: God, that'd be horrible.
Female law student #1: Unless you were gay. Then it'd be like heaven!
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Attaboy Finch
5PM Friday: Treat Crabs
Guy #1: How was your meeting?
Guy #2: Short and sweet -- I have absolutely no action items, except for one.
2141 Rosecrans Avenue
El Segundo, California
Overheard by: they think my iPod is on
4PM Long John Silver Gets Easily Flustered During One-on-One Interviews
Interviewer: Do you have a middle initial?
Applicant: Nope. I got a whole middle name. John.
Attleboro, Massachusetts
3PM Sir, You'll Have to Take Your Green Tiger Outside
Customer with CD: Don't make fun of the Transformers.
Bookseller: I'm not making fun. I had that soundtrack. I lost it in the hurricane.
Customer with CD: Well, you can't have mine.
Bookseller: I have The Matrix.
Customer with CD: I have the touch.
Passing customer: And I have the power!
Barnes & Noble, Irving Mall
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: shelving drone
2PM Hey, Why Do You Have All the Dry-Erase Markers?
Frazzled coworker: I need to order some aromatherapy stuff for my desk. Deadline days would go much smoother if I was a huffer.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM I Just Call Random Numbers to Keep People on the Level
Guy on phone: You gotta fuckin' tone it down, dude. I'm a fuckin' salesman, and I'm tellin' you, you gotta fuckin' tone it down. I like you. I'm tellin' you this because I like you.
Guy on speaker: Thanks.
Guy on phone: But you gotta fuckin' tone it down.
Guy on speaker: Could you please tell me what this is in regards to?
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM I Have Good News
Philosophy student: Basically, all I really want is to survive until I die.
Bucknell University
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania
11AM Microsoft's 'Lilliputian Solutions' Software Isn't for Everyone
HR hottie: I can't think right now! Between Excel and porno midgets I'm nuts!
Westchester, New York
10AM Here You Go. I'm Going to Launch Now, Okay?
Assistant: I made the reservations for you. Give me a minute and I'll get you the ballistics.
Boss: Ballistics?
Assistant: Yeah, the ballistics -- your flight arrangements and your hotel confirmation. You know, the ballistics!
39th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I can't believe I hired her
9AM Memories to Carry Me through the Bad Times
Coworker #1: Do you have any happy memories from your childhood?
Coworker #2: Naked babysitters.
Honolulu, Hawaii
5PM Dare to Dream, Buddy
Nurse: After you finish giving your sample, place it in the door in the wall and come to the lab where we'll do your pregnancy test.
Patient to man waiting with her: I'll be out in a minute.
Man to nurse, excited: There's a good chance that I'm the father!
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky