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February 2007 Archives
5PM Until You Whack the Sides of Their Heads, Engineers May Loop Indefinitely
Engineer #1: The error is not repeatable.
Engineer #2: Not repeatable?
Engineer #1: Not repeatable.
Poughkeepsie, New York
4PM Curiously Deadly
Office drone: If we die it'll be because of those Altoids.
3229 East Spring Street
Los Angeles, California
3PM 'Bobby Brown'
Boss to newbie: Yay! So, tomorrow's Casual Friday, so you don't have to wear a tie. I usually wear shorts. You know, you can get away with a lot of casual clothing, but a certain dress code does still apply. You've got to wear a shirt... Although, so far no one has tried a wife beater. Hey, that'd be a way for you to make a name for yourself!
Glastonbury Boulevard
Glastonbury, Connecticut
2PM She Evaluates Everything on That Scale
Man in plastic surgeon's waiting room: Why are you doing this?
Woman: Well, it costs less than a pool... but more than a Jacuzzi tub.
12 Greenwich Avenue
White Plains, New York
Overheard by: jenny power
1PM That's Stupid. Brontos Don't Use Tools
Female coworker hearing drilling from another part of the building: What is that noise?
Male coworker: A brontosaurus.
Female coworker: What?!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: She's... ah... tenacious
12PM The Rest of Us Will Handle the Undertaking
Action officer: It's just not the most important undertaking we have, so I'm not going to kill myself to get it done.
Admin assistant: I disagree. I always think you should kill yourself.
Pentagon, 1490 Boundary Channel Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Propagandist
11AM Can You Still Get a Refund on That Empathy Class?
Coworker after three-day absence: Oh my god! It's so stressful! My three-year-old has a double ear infection and pneumonia! I haven't slept in days!
Boss: Oh, I know! Tell me about it! My cat has colitis!
West Fayette Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Sure that's almost the same thing...
10AM Explain Penguins, Then, Brainiac
Ghetto girl: I don't give a damn! It's too cold to be cute!
50 Hurt Plaza
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Adamn
9AM Then You Lose Them and We Send You Another Set
Consultant guy: Yeah, we overnight the documents to you. It takes about a week for you to get them.
Garden City, New York
5PM Jeez, I'm Starting to Freak Here
Counter girl: I'm sorry it's taking so long, but we're really busy today, and I'm the only one here.
Sympathetic customer: Yes, it's always busier when you're the only one, isn't it?
Counter girl: Yes, especially when I'm alone.
Ybor Square
Tampa, Florida
4PM I Think I'll Keep Him
Female agent on phone: You gonna have supper ready when I get home? I don't care... Fine, chicken. Fried chicken. Whatever, get your ass in the kitchen and make me some fried chicken. Just shut up and go make me some chicken, I'll be home in an hour [hangs up]. My husband is so whipped.
Evans Building
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Going Gay
3PM And Not All of Our Patrons Can Read
Diner: Why is it that whenever 'sour cream' appears on your menu, it has an asterisk beside it?
Waiter, condescendingly: Because those dishes have sour cream in them.
800 Block, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
2PM My Job Is to Escalate the Confrontation
Angry customer: [Inaudible over phone.]
Employee: I apologize, sir. I understand your frusteration.
Angry customer: Why do you keep calling me 'sir'?
Employee: Oh! Ma'am. I apologize.
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM Unfortunately, Mick Jagger Said He'd Only Sign Breasts
Coworker #1: Good morning!
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls? The signed balls? Because it'll be really bad if you didn't!
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
12PM My God, They Could Breed!
Engineer #1: What's up? Where have you been the last couple of days?
Engineer #2: I threw my back out from wearing armor all day Sunday.
Engineer #1: Bummer. Plate mail is tough on your back. I usually wear a heating pad under it.
Commercial Street
Manchester, New Hampshire
11AM I Wouldn't Put That Off
Cajun: Now I'm thinking about filling the giant jar of babies I have with formaldehyde.
Goodwood Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Booyakish
10AM You Should Write All Important Memos There
Girl holding can of soup: Well, one can makes soup for more than one person.
Guy staring blankly: Uh-huh.
Girl: So, how many do you want to get?
Guy: I can totally see down your shirt, by the way. Now, what?
Girl: Were you listening to a word I was saying?!
Guy: No, I was staring at your breasts.
Red River H-E-B supermarket
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Natalie
9AM You're Just Too Macho to Say 'I Love Her'
Guy #1: She was hurt pretty bad in a car wreck a few years ago. She told me she hurt her knee, her back, and her brain.
Guy #2: Wait... So you have been pursuing a girl that has brain damage?
Guy #1: Hey, her vagina works.
571 South Floyd Street
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM Gimpy Joe's the Only One Who's Got Privileges
System manager: Anyone who touches my calculator limps all day!
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
4PM She Was Proven Wrong As Soon As Her Promotion Came Through
Loan officer: Ugh, I could never be a teller.
CSR, under her breath: Yeah, well, I could never be a condescending, superior bitch.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Not a teller either
3PM At Rehearsals for the New Mary Kay Letourneau Musical
Consultant: Pedophiles? Is that my cue?
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
2PM I'd Have a Camel Eat the Snow, Then Milk the Camel
Bimbette #1: Would you ever eat snow?
Bimbette #2: I dunno. Would you?
Bimbette #1: Well, imagine if you were really thirsty and in the desert and there's a whole bunch of snow...
65 St. Clair Avenue East
Toronto
Canadia
1PM I'll Show You a Graph When We Get Home
Attorney on phone: Hi, sweetie. I'm going to come pick you up after school tomorrow to take you to your appointment... Well, Mommy was going to, but she's too important to leave the office, and I'm not that important, so I can leave.
1 World Financial Center
New York, New York
12PM I Give Them a Year, Tops
Director of sales and marketing baby-talking and hugging his iBook: Some day you're going to be a dinosaur and no one is going to like you! But not me! No, I love you, little iBook.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: reservations monster
11AM The Figure '8'ish 'S' Squiggly Thing
Librarian: Jeans, brain and behavior?
Student: Uh, genes with a G.
Librarian: Like this? Gene's brain and behavior?
Student: There's no apostrophe.
Librarian: I'm not getting any results.
Student: Well, I'm pretty sure it's officially spelled with an ampersand.
Librarian: A what?
Addlestone Library
Charleston, South Carolina
10AM ... In Farsi
Office chick: Is that an Islamic newspaper?
Office guy: It's the Wall Street Journal.
15 East 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Erak
9AM That Was Just a Test Run
Boss to new receptionist: These are some of the noises I make that will annoy you. This is my mouse clicking. This is me kicking the desk in front of me. This is my chair squeaking. Oh, and sometimes I just say 'shit,' like I have Tourette's.
Receptionist: Okay... [They go back to work.]
Boss: Shit.
200 West 16th St
New York, New York
5PM Many Americans Suffer from a Defective Sense of Gravity
Passenger #1: Don't you wanna use the stairs for just one floor?
Passenger #2: Hmmm... I never know which one goes up and which one goes down.
Packed elevator, 1909 K Street
Washington, DC
4PM Well, We're at an Impasse, Then
Controller to president: I'm ready, baby, what do you wanna do? You wanna do it in my office? C'mon baby, what do you wanna do?
President: I want for you not to touch me with your viral infections.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
3PM How She Amuses Herself While Her Patients Are Under Anesthesia
Nurse to aide: You have a picture of a dick on your phone and you don't know who's it is?
Wayne Woodlands Manor, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: queen eileen
2PM Maybe It's Time to Stop Wearing Bibs at Lunch
Young-looking coworker after taking polygraph: They tried to get me to admit I was into kiddie porn.
Coworker yet to take polygraph: Dude, you look like you could still be in kiddie porn.
ASQ2
Linthicum, Maryland
1PM If Our Customers Won't Behave, We Fire Them
VP on phone with angry customer: Well, I'm sorry that nobody has been here to take your calls or return your messages yet. We've been busy in the office lately... Yes, I understand it's frustrating, but we're doing all we can... Okay, look Larry*, look -- the reason nobody's here whenever you call is because we just got caller ID last week, and everybody ignores you because nobody wants to deal with you because you're an asshole... Yeah, I heard you were a real piece of work to our receptionist... You're an asshole! Yeah? Well, I don't care if we have your business anymore. Asshole!
Beltsville, Maryland
Overheard by: The abused receptionist
12PM Many Bosses Communicate Only by Email
Boss interrupting employees: What's going on?
Girl employee in middle of conversation: Are you circumcised? [Boss turns and leaves, shaking his head.]
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Amazed Colleague
11AM Another Graduate of the Chico Marx MBA Program
Manager: ... So let him know that he has 60 cards here, and he'll be charged for all 60. If he doesn't want all 60 -- say he only wants 50 -- then take five away and bring those back.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alexis
10AM I'm Not Paying $4.50 to Rent Old Yeller and Find Out What We Already Know
Mom to daughter: All that matters is that the dog is dead.
Stop & Shop
Richmond, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Scratch
9AM I Guess I Did Mean to Sound Racist
White coworker: Hey, I don't mean to sound racist or anything, but are you Haitian?
Black coworker: Yeah, I am... But why is that racist?
White coworker: Because Haitians are dirty.
Outside Palms restaurant
Okinawa
Japan
5PM Didn't Dick Get the Pink Slip a While Ago?
Worker bee #1: FYI, dude, don't email the CEO on things that don't concern you. I was already handling that with Dick.
Worker bee #2: I'm sorry, did something happen?
Worker bee #1: Yeah, he flipped out! You just missed my ass getting totally reamed out by Dick! [Long pause.] Did I just say what I thi--
Worker bee #2: --Yeah, you did.
Worker bee #1: Fuck! I'm calling him Richard from now on!
Tysons Corner, Virginia
4PM He Wore the Suit at Football Games
Male cube dweller: Hey, have you ever had armadillo meat?
Female cube dweller: Yeah, all the time! It's awesome with onions!
Vancouver, Washington
Overheard by: Armadillo What...
3PM If You Are Caught, the Secretary Will Deny All Knowledge of Your Activities
Boss to employee: So, will you be my secret agent in the ladies' bathroom?
13th Street and F Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: wiretapper
2PM But Are You Sassy?
Pudgy girl #1: No, it's called 'Plus-Sized Models.'
Pudgy girl #1: Shut up! We fat, girl!
10 Perthshire Road
Brighton, Massachusetts
1PM Talk to the Pantone People
Manager: There's no black in here.
Ink delivery man: What?
Manager: I ordered all the colors, but there's no black.
Ink delivery man: Well, yeah... Black's not a color.
700 East North Street
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: colorblind
12PM I Try to Take Revenge at Least Once a Day
Lady: You think wearing the skin of a dead cow is cool or something? You're promoting murder by wearing that.
Leather jacket guy: I don't wear this because I like leather. I wear this because I hate cows. My father was gored to death by a bull. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Burger King.
Blockbuster Video, 14936 North Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Jonathon Flachlinie
11AM More of a Tax Shelter with a Police Force
Physics teacher: How thick do you think a steel pole would have to be that connected the Earth and the moon if there were no more gravity?
Student #1: 10 inches?
Student #2: Five miles?
Student #3: No, way bigger than that.
Physics teacher: It would be about the size of the state of New York.
Student #1: Damn.
Student #2: Ha! I was right!
Student #3: You think that New York is five miles across?!
Student #2: Okay, that's more like Delaware-sized. Is Delaware even a state?
Staples High School
Westport, Connecticut
10AM I Don't Know about You, but I Am Not Working after Death
Pilot over intercom: Sorry, folks. We've just lost power to one of our engines. Looks like our arrival time in Washington will be 40 minutes behind schedule.
Disgruntled woman: Better hope we don't lose that second engine.
Travel partner: Yeah, really.
Disgruntled woman: If we're 80 minutes late we'll miss that meeting!
Travel partner: Wait, what?
Flight from Bradley International
Windsor Locks, Connecticut
9AM Wrong on So Many Levels
Male law student #1: In chambers the judge said that as soon as those guys get to prison somebody is going to make them their bitch.
Male law student #2: So he said they'd pretty much be full-on ass-raped? Just like that?
Male law student #1: Yeah, pretty much.
Male law student #2: God, that'd be horrible.
Female law student #1: Unless you were gay. Then it'd be like heaven!
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Attaboy Finch
5PM Friday: Treat Crabs
Guy #1: How was your meeting?
Guy #2: Short and sweet -- I have absolutely no action items, except for one.
2141 Rosecrans Avenue
El Segundo, California
Overheard by: they think my iPod is on
4PM Long John Silver Gets Easily Flustered During One-on-One Interviews
Interviewer: Do you have a middle initial?
Applicant: Nope. I got a whole middle name. John.
Attleboro, Massachusetts
3PM Sir, You'll Have to Take Your Green Tiger Outside
Customer with CD: Don't make fun of the Transformers.
Bookseller: I'm not making fun. I had that soundtrack. I lost it in the hurricane.
Customer with CD: Well, you can't have mine.
Bookseller: I have The Matrix.
Customer with CD: I have the touch.
Passing customer: And I have the power!
Barnes & Noble, Irving Mall
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: shelving drone
2PM Hey, Why Do You Have All the Dry-Erase Markers?
Frazzled coworker: I need to order some aromatherapy stuff for my desk. Deadline days would go much smoother if I was a huffer.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM I Just Call Random Numbers to Keep People on the Level
Guy on phone: You gotta fuckin' tone it down, dude. I'm a fuckin' salesman, and I'm tellin' you, you gotta fuckin' tone it down. I like you. I'm tellin' you this because I like you.
Guy on speaker: Thanks.
Guy on phone: But you gotta fuckin' tone it down.
Guy on speaker: Could you please tell me what this is in regards to?
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM I Have Good News
Philosophy student: Basically, all I really want is to survive until I die.
Bucknell University
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania
11AM Microsoft's 'Lilliputian Solutions' Software Isn't for Everyone
HR hottie: I can't think right now! Between Excel and porno midgets I'm nuts!
Westchester, New York
10AM Here You Go. I'm Going to Launch Now, Okay?
Assistant: I made the reservations for you. Give me a minute and I'll get you the ballistics.
Boss: Ballistics?
Assistant: Yeah, the ballistics -- your flight arrangements and your hotel confirmation. You know, the ballistics!
39th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I can't believe I hired her
9AM Memories to Carry Me through the Bad Times
Coworker #1: Do you have any happy memories from your childhood?
Coworker #2: Naked babysitters.
Honolulu, Hawaii
5PM Dare to Dream, Buddy
Nurse: After you finish giving your sample, place it in the door in the wall and come to the lab where we'll do your pregnancy test.
Patient to man waiting with her: I'll be out in a minute.
Man to nurse, excited: There's a good chance that I'm the father!
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
4PM If It's an Incomplete Bitch You Want, I'd Consider Spaying
Receptionist: Can I help you this morning?
Mom: Yes. I need a shot to keep my daughter from being a complete bitch.
Teen girl: Like they've invented that, Mom.
Chestnut Ridge Pediatrics
Woodcliffe Lake, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mothers Anonymous
3PM Let Me Get Some of That Ginkgo, Too
Middle-aged customer: Give me two packs of them Basic cigarettes.
Sales clerk rings up cigarettes and register beeps: It wants me to check your ID.
Middle-aged customer: I don't have no ID.
Sales clerk: How old are you?
Middle-aged customer: Uh. Um. 40... 50... 50-something.
Sales clerk: Okay, $9.75.
Walgreens, 5650 West Belmont Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
2PM After Eight Days of This, You Get the Miracle of Hanukkah
Lady: Where do skidmarks come from?
Guy: I don't know, but in the evening when I undress, there they are.
5400 West Sample Road
Margate, Florida
1PM Travel Agent: You Would Not Believe What I Am Soaking This Chick For
Fat nurse: I'm real excited! I'm going to the Mexican Riviera next month.
Lanky nurse: Uh, isn't it called the French Riviera?
Fat nurse: No, I think it's Mexican, but you could be right -- that sounds familiar.
Lanky nurse: I've always wanted to see the French Riviera.
Fat nurse: Yeah, me too. I can't wait.
1st Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: dr mike
12PM Has to Be Heavily Carbonated to Face the Faculty
Student teacher: So, what is your school's policy concerning sodas? Am I allowed to bring them as long as they are in an unmarked container?
Teacher: Yes, most definitely. Some of the other schools in the area have taken out their drink machines for teachers, but our principal's a Coke addict.
4858 Lead Mine Road
Snowville, Virginia
11AM Oh, You Worked for the Government?
Male employee: I had an uncomfortable experience with someone putting something in my butt.
Louisville, Kentucky
10AM Hey, Thank the Restraining Order
Pretty woman: Thanks for fixing my computer!
Geeky computer guy: Maria*, you know I'm always thinking about you.
Pretty woman: And thanks for not calling that to my attention too often.
125th Street
New York, New York
9AM Um, Didn't You Attempt Suicide Last Year?
Cashier #1: Hey man, I think I might be gay.
Cashier #2: What's wrong?
Cashier #1: I keep having fantasies about being with a man. What should I do?
Cashier #2: Jerk off. A lot. If you do it enough, it'll get the gay out. It worked for me.
HEB Austin 15, North Lamar
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Jeff
5PM He Wants You to Do for Him What Was Done for Travolta
Drone on phone: Slammed, yeah. This new account is kicking my ass. Why is Burt Reynolds coming? I thought he was dead.
Braselton, Georgia
4PM But I Was Busy Refilling Clarissa
Coworker staring at beeping microwave: I heard you the first time, Fran.
220 West 3rd Street
Denver, Colorado
3PM It'll Be Giving Me Feedback This Afternoon
Cube dweller #1: I just want to make sure we are communicating on this project.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, we're communicating. [Yells over cubicles] Hey, Roy*, are we communicating?
Roy: Uh, I'm communicating with my sandwich.
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: The Communicator
2PM When Let's Go Travel Writers Talk Dirty
Office peon: It's amazing what delicacies you can find hidden within the bush.
5757 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM If You Can Develop This Thesis, You'll Get an A
Poli-Sci professor: John Locke said, 'In the beginning, all the world was America.' What did he mean by this?
Student: Continental drift?
University of British Columbia
Canadia
12PM Stop Making It Out of Intestines
Coworker: What's it gonna take to get you to eat this sausage?
Merchandise Mart
Chicago, Illinois
11AM When Parents Can't Afford Blackberries
Two-year-old girl singing: Get the money, get the beer, get the money, get the beer...
Dressing room, Fashion Q
Granada Hills, California
Overheard by: Saucy
10AM Because I'm Not Doing That Until after We're Married
Girl: Is this gonna be one of those phone conversations where you talk to yourself for 10 minutes and I just kinda listen?
Student Union, East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
9AM Needless to Say, That's the Last Time I'll Try Peyote
Lady to coworker: It talked like a pig, so I could understand it. And there was a one-eyed llama with its ear hanging down, and a buck that'd been shot in the shoulder. Those were all real animals, but it was the cartoon shark that bit me.
1st Avenue
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
5PM When I Went There on Vacation
Coworker #1: New Mexico is a state? Since when?
Coworker #2: Uh, for quite some time now.
Coworker #1: Oh. Well, I didn't know West Virginia was a state until last year.
New York, New York
Overheard by: She has a college degree
4PM Unlikely -- You Always Look Like Shit
Boss to late employee: Where have you been?
Blonde: Hi.
Boss: You look like shit today.
Blonde: Maybe that's because I was up all night fucking!
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jonny Z
3PM No, I Need It for This Spear Wound in My Side
Cube dweller: You know, I thought I had stigmata once... Turns out I just had really dry skin.
Receptionist: Can I have my lotion back?
1 Tampa City Center
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: That little broad
2PM Also Like the Pound
Guy in crowded elevator that smells like disinfectant: Have you ever been to jail? It smells like jail in here.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: No, I never have
1PM Maybe I Should Stop Eating All of the Stale Doughnuts
Waitress: I think I'm gaining weight.
Waiter: What makes you say that?
Waitress: I've put on 18 pounds since I started working here.
Waiter: Maybe you're pregnant.
Waitress: It can't be. You cannot get pregnant by the finger!
210 North 77 Sunshine Strip
Harlingen, Texas
Overheard by: Omar
12PM Retard Sandwiches? So '80s
Frustrated clerk to group of traders: Did you guys have retard sandwiches for lunch or something?
Smart-ass in back: I had a burrito.
Trading Desk
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Walking by...
11AM Oh, I Know
CCA: So, I have to get some KY jelly for my puppy. I've never really lubricated a dog's rectum before, you know?
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
10AM I Excel at That
Guy: Can you do me there?
Woman: What?
Guy, yelling: Do me in the spreadsheet!
Rutgers office of Information Technology
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: in the next room
9AM The Alpha Male Restores Order in the Pack with a Show of Aggression
Sales guy slamming down phone: Fucking bitch.
Boss: Tell me you didn't just slam the phone down on our biggest billing client.
Sales guy: What? She couldn't hear that.
Boss: What the fuck are you talking about?! I get the phone slammed down on me all the time -- I fucking hear it.
Sales guy: Yeah, I guess maybe she could hear it.
Boss, picking up phone: Call me.
Sales guy, getting very nervous: No, it's okay. I'm sorry.
Boss: Fucking call me. I said call me! Fucking do it now! [Sales guy calls. Boss starts slamming his receiver against his desk screaming] Can you fucking hear that?! Huh?! Can you fucking hear it, bitch?!
Sales guy: I hear it, boss, I hear it. Please, please stop.
Cleveland Street
Valley Stream, New York
Overheard by: amused coworker
5PM Paris Latsis Needs to Work on His Game
Customer: So, yeah, the wedding's off. I just couldn't deal with her mother, you know?
Salesgirl: Totally.
Customer: She was just always sticking her nose into our business -- we couldn't get a moment of peace.
Salesgirl: Yeah.
Customer: And then, of course, [my wife] goes and tells her about my impotence, and it all went downhill from there.
Salesgirl: God. Well, you did the right thing. Just hang in there.
Customer: Mmm. Anyway, it was really nice meeting you, Julie*.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
4PM How Leo's Pants Got Pulled over His Eyes Remains Something of a Mystery
Union worker: Listen... Listen to me. You can't fool me. I am my father's son. You can't pull the shirt over my eyes. You do what you gotta do.
309 West 49th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: fredshah
3PM James Madison Drops Traditional Wrestling, Adds Jell-O Variant
Guy #1: I love the Jell-O here.
Guy #2: Yeah... Want to go take a shower?
Guy #3: Hell yeah, let's go take a shower!
Guy #1: Alright, I'll run to my room, drop off my stuff, and we can head over to take a shower.
Kinsolving dining room
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: HornFan
2PM Not Bonobos, At Least
Coworker on phone: What?! Suck on it?! No, never! I would never suck on it... I've used my hands and fingers, but I would never put that in my mouth! We're not animals! [Hangs up and notices coworkers staring. Turns out it was about cleaning a newborn's nose.]
3 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: the quiet one
1PM Sheriff, Any Idea Why This Boy Would Brutally Murder His Mother?
Baby mama to friend: These little boy clothes is so cute! If I have a boy I am going to name him D'jon, 'cause I love mustard!
Baby Gap
Towson, Maryland
12PM It's a Little Sticky
Guy #1: Have you ever been caught masturbating in the bathroom?
Guy #2: What?! No, of course not!
Guy #1: Oh, okay... Good spot, ain't it?
Antwerp
Belgium
Overheard by: meneither
11AM Native Americans: Jeez, Even the Bigots Ignore Us!
CEO to new sales rep: Use your judgment when it comes to payment schedules. If they sound like good people -- you know, like normal Americans on the phone -- we'll bill them. But Ay-rabs and Orientals pay COD. You have to watch those bastards, 'cause they'll all fuck you.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
Overheard by: Really glad I gave notice yesterday
10AM I'm Just Saying
Employee: There's someone parked out back in my parking space.
Manager: I hate when that happens. Years ago this woman used to park in my spot all the time... She's dead now.
Birmingham Street
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
9AM The Things We Underwear-Users Take for Granted
Old lady on cell: Well, I went commando once, but the whole day I was just super paranoid. What if it got flies in it or something?
3501 Quail Springs Parkway
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
5PM And All Pointing in the Right Direction
Woman on phone: Well, it'll be nice to have teeth in your mouth again.
10 Exchange Place
Jersey City, New Jersey
4PM Yeahhh, Definitely Need My Smoothie. Yeahhh
Chick: A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. As long as I have my smoothie, I'm okay. Smoothie -- okay. No smoothie -- not okay.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
3PM Scientists Vow to Get to Bottom of IT / B.O. Link
IT guy: Hey, can I convince one of you to go get me and my friends a coffee?
Production manager: What friends? All I see is you.
IT guy: My friends. Y'know, the people I hang with.
Production manager: No one hangs with you.
Production assistant: Yeah, you smell bad.
Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
2PM I'm Writing Up a Review of the Wii
IT guy yelling across room: How do you spell 'boner'?
Orlando, Florida
1PM God: I Actually Can't Stand Watching People Chew
Dude #1: I have a massive penis.
Dude #2: Dude, you don't even have pubes!
Dude #1: Want me to pull one out?
Dude #3: Do you have no shame?! Do you think God stops watching you at the lunch table?! And, Coco, you know you have an average-size penis.
Gaston Christian School, 1222 North Hope Road
Gastonia, North Carolina
12PM Like, Mopedly So
Mailroom worker: I can't take him to the Christmas party -- he oh beast!
Receptionist: He's a beast? You mean he's ugly?
Mailroom worker: No, he's fat. Like really fat. He's oh beast.
Floor 7, 9460 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
11AM Only the Office Fix-a-Flat Kit Kept Her from Deflating
Woman #1 sneezes, then looks terrified.
Woman #2: Are you alright?
Woman #1: I think I just blew out my tampon.
Ventura, California
10AM I Haven't Been Near a Moon for Years
Old guy unzipping at urinal: The eagle has landed.
Guy at other urinal: What does that mean?
Old guy: I don't know.
7 Hanover Square
New York, New York
Overheard by: guy at urinal #4
9AM So Anyway, I'm Off to Hike Up His Rent and Vandalize His Car
Ugly lady: He only comes over and fucks me when he's really, really angry.
Friend: Oh. Jeez.
Ugly lady: So that's as wrong as I think it is?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Yeah, I Like the Attention, Though
Frustrated employee to dim coworker: If you'd stop being an idiot I wouldn't have to hate you anymore.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Feel The Same Way
4PM If That's Work, Then I Don't Want to Play!
Lady: ... So it's a strap-on, then. You just clamp it on and let it go to work.
Deer Park, Texas
3PM Have You Considered Not Sleeping?
Teacher: Explain that to me again.
Parent: I just don't gets it. I's lay with a man, and he gets me pregnant.
Teacher: Are you serious?
Parent: Look, bitch, I gots me seven kids, and I don't know where they be comin' from. You gots to help me. I goes to sleep, and then I's wake up pregnant.
Teacher: Look, I'm referring you to the counselor. This is out of my hands.
Parent: Bitch, that ain't gonna help!
Teacher: Look, I don't have a direct line with Jesus to help you out, so the counselor is the next best thing. Got that, bitch?
School
Las Vegas, Nevada
2PM Looky Here, Somebody Threw Away a Perfectly Good Employee
Sales guy: If anyone needs Larry* in the warehouse, don't call. He's in the dumpster.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM The Coen Brothers: We're on It!
Coworker: You know, they really need to make more Queen Latifah movies.
4501 East Virginia Avenue
Glendale, Colorado
12PM I Think I Agree, but I Don't Care for Your Tone
50-ish woman #1: I had this fish for lunch, and it was sooo salty!
50-ish woman #2: Was it? Well, it is from the ocean, you know.
50-ish woman #1: No, it was seasoned with too much salt.
50-ish woman #2: It doesn't even have to be seasoned! It's from the ocean!
Elevator, 16th Street and JFK Boulevard
New York, New York
11AM Why You Should Have Sex before Marriage
Newlywed father-to-be on phone to coworker: Yeah, it's great! Although... It's very large and hard... For some reason I thought it would be squishy.
4001 South 700 East
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Really hopes he's talking about his wife's belly...
10AM Rat: Jeez, I'm Flattered, but This Is Not My Size
Woman #1: I dropped a condom back there.
Woman #2: They never clean.
Woman #1: Well, there's a rat back there, that's why I dropped it.
2000 Florida Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: animal lover
9AM Tell Me What You Think a 'Book' Is
Patron: Ummm, I'm looking for a book.
Librarian: Okay, well, do you know what it's called?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Do you know who wrote it?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Are you just hoping that we have some sort of book?
Patron: Yeah.
Librarian: You know you're in a fuckin' library, right?
Austin Public Library
Austin, Texas
5PM When Total Immersion Goes Too Far
Anthropology student: Hey, I got the turds for the ass game!
Locust Lane
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: don't want to know
4PM Boss: Excellent! The Employees Have Become Self-Punishing
Clumsy coworker drops pile of files: Nobody look at me! I want to be alone!
1300 York Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jennifer
3PM Help Him, Obi-Wan Kenobi, You're His Only Hope
Lady coworker: I really need to rent the Star Wars movies and watch them again. I only remember, like, the old guy and the little robot thingy.
4505 Maryland Parkway
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Princess Leia
2PM I Don't Like Being a Round Myself
Blonde: So, have you taken any Lamaze or yoga classes to help with the birth?
Preggers: No, the thought of having to be around all those pregnant women made me sick.
Oakland, California
1PM Also Cleans Up Easier Than Motor Oil
Hairdresser: Oh, by the way, thanks for the tip about the Astroglide -- it's awesome! Client: Oh, you finally got some? And you love it?!
Hairdresser: Love it? I had to tell Paul* I saw an ad in Cosmo, or he'd know I was talking about our sex life at work.
Client: So, it's cool, right? And doesn't dry up, right?
Hairdresser: Listen, it makes him forget he's a New York police officer -- totally awesome!
Hillsdale, New Jersey
Overheard by: Receptionist
12PM The Ballerinas Decide to Go to America
Bimbette: Hey, remember the time we broke the toilet?
Blonde: Yeah, stuff like that happens to us.
Bimbette: I wonder what will happen to us next...
Blonde: Let's have a threesome with someone famous!
Bimbette: With who?
Blonde: A Beatle... John Lennon?
Bimbette: Duh, he's in America!
Blonde: Duh, he's dead!
Bimbette: Yeah, but he's still in America.
St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: Same Cubicle, Different Pair
11AM Personally, I Mastered the Whole Fork-to-Mouth Thing over a Year Ago
Blonde: Oh, you can't make the appointment tomorrow?
Older lady: No, I have a rehearsal dinner tomorrow.
Blonde: Oh, wow! What play are you in?
Older lady: No, a rehearsal dinner is for a wedding.
Blonde: Oh! ... Why do you have to rehearse dinner?
Westport Road
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Glad I'm not blonde
10AM Must've Been Their Upbringing
Little girl holding Bad Santa: Nana, can I get this Santa movie?
Grandmother: No, you can't.
Little girl: But my mommy and daddy watched it.
Grandmother: That's because your parents are bad people.
Wal-Mart
Raynham, Massachusetts
9AM Damn Health Code
Little boy looking at stuffed animal: Look, Mommy, it's the monkey that comes out of your butt!
Mother: Yes, it's the monkey that flies out of your ass. That's why we're not going back to Chuck E. Cheese's.
Learning Express
Exton, Pennsylvania
5PM And Let's Face It, You Don't Have Much Going for You besides Your Looks
Girl #1: He is so shallow!
Girl #2: Not at all, why would you say that?
Girl #1: 'Cause he's attracted to you.
3535 Monroe Drive
South Bay, California
4PM And Feeling Her Up
Training manager: So, how's everything going?
New admin: Fine. Just fine.
Training manager: Are you sure? Do you need anything? Something I can help you with?
New admin: I'm sure. No, really, everything's fine. I'm fine... I'm just going to, uh, run out to my car for a second. To, uh, grab a bottle of water. I'll be right back [gets her things and leaves the office, never returns].
Training manager: Wow. Was it something I said?
Assistant: No, I think it was the fact that you kept staring at her boobs.
Training manager: Oh. Right.
East Gude Drive
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: the fly on the wall
3PM Your Honor, There Are No Files in These Drawers
Employee: These file drawers are really getting overloaded.
Supervisor: Yeah, time for some perjury.
Westlake, Ohio
Overheard by: Giddy-up!
2PM Dude, If You Can Put It in Your Own Box, You Should Charge Admission!
Suit: We need to start putting our meat in someone else's box.
401 Merritt 7
Norwalk, Connecticut
1PM Boot Camp Is Over -- We're Goin' to War
Two-year-old girl: Up, Daddy.
Dad: No.
Two-year-old girl: Up, Daddy... P'ease?
Dad: No. C'mon, we taught you how to walk for a goddamned reason. Let's move it.
Target
Avon, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM If It Feels Good, Don't Say It
Coworker on the phone: No, sir, I am doing everything I can... Sir, you aren't listening... Sir, as I have already said... Sir... I'm gonna kick you in yo' head!
40th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: New to the company
11AM There Are So Few Good Roles for African-American Actresses
Customer: Last week I bought two of these toy bulldozers for my nephews, and I'd like to exchange this one for a backhoe.
CSR: Okay.
Customer: Would you like me to go back to the toy department and get the other one?
CSR: No, I'll page and have someone bring one up here for you. [Over intercom] Attention, Toy Department. Will someone please bring a black ho to the service desk? I repeat, we need a black ho at the service desk.
Value City
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Did that really just happen?
10AM America's Secret Weapon in the Global Marketplace
Tech: Are you planning on pressure washing the entire space?
Boss: Yeah, baby!
Tech: That's gonna take you a week! You coming in this weekend or something?
Boss: Yeah... But I'm gonna be high.
6th Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Tomcat
9AM What an Interesting and Alarming Theory
Boss exiting stall: I have to wipe piss off the floor at least five times a day!
Employee at urinal: Some people must shake it too hard.
Boss: They just plain miss the shot into the urinal. One time I came in here and someone had pissed all over on the floor, under the stall.
Employee: [Silence.]
Boss: You know when someone jacks off and they don't get it all out? It dries up. When you go to take your first piss after jacking off the stream gets split and it goes all over the place.
Employee: [Silence.]
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Horrified Handwasher
5PM After Years of LSD, He Can't Tell Anymore
Coworker #1: Man, my digital camera broke. Now the sky turns pink and clouds appear green.
Coworker #2: Oh, really? That sucks.
Coworker #1: In the pictures, I mean.
Coworker #2: [Silence.]
19111 Pruneridge Avenue
Cupertino, California
4PM It Won't Be Long before We're Best Evil-Whores
Office girl with flower arrangement: Look! Look what I got!
Office manager: Wow! Where did you get those from?
Office girl: The girls that helped me chair the dinner. Oh! Look, [gushing as she reads the card], 'From two bitches to the biggest bitch we know!' Oh! How sweet!
Office manager: That is just so sweet of them!
Girl and manager, together: Awww!
Hanford, California
Overheard by: not one of her bitches
3PM Well, There Was a Black Lab, but I Was Just Experimenting in College
Person #1: Oooh! Chocolate cockers! I want a chocolate cocker!
Person #2: A what?!
Person #1: A chocolate cocker! I've never had a chocolate cocker!
Safety building, 30 North Murray Street
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Allison
2PM Cellhead: Did You Hear What That Guy Said? Ow! Quit It!
Male flight attendant: Okay, folks, one last time -- please turn your cell phones off. If the person next to you is talking on their phone, smack 'em! That should teach them.
Southwest flight 1911 to Oakland, California
Overheard by: Katie
1PM She Had an Entire Human Being inside Her -- What's Your Excuse?
Manager #1: Amy* had her baby last week.
Manager #2: Who's Amy?
Manager #1: She's one of our graphic design artists. She's very beautiful.
VP: Yeah, she is pretty. And she looked really good... Well, up until the end.
2700 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
12PM I'll Pipe Some Random Noises into Your Earpiece
Admin on speaker: Can I please have the Electronics department?
Sears rep: Okay, hold for a while.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
11AM Getting a Government Contract. Didn't I Say That?
Coworker #1 on phone: Seriously, it was like neutering a cat with a butter knife.
Coworker #2 on speaker: What?
DT Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Suddenly glad I don't have pets
10AM Can't Understand How Your Hair Got Stuck in My ID Badge
Girl employee: Ouch.
Guy employee: Oh, sorry. Okay, it's not going to work from the front, let's try it from behind.
14225 Newbrook Drive
Chantilly, Virginia
9AM Calls It 'The Arkansas Traveler'
Lady: Does your massage therapist work through knots well?
Guy: Yeah, and she even has this jackhammer apparatus to do your butt with.
400 West Capitol
Little Rock, Arkansas
Overheard by: Sounds Scary!
5PM See? That's Why You're the Boss
Drone: The client just called to say he only received eight pages of the fax I tried to send.
Boss: Did you check to make sure you are sending to a fax number?
Main and Center
Moab, Utah
4PM Too-Much-Information Technology
Coworker: Thank you for calling ABC Tech Support*. Can I have your name, please? ... While we're waiting for the information to come up in our system, you wouldn't happen to know how they execute their criminals in China...? I just ask because I heard that they sell the organs of condemned criminals over there.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Glad I wasn't on the phone at the time
3PM There's a Big Switch at Al Gore's House
Boss: Wait, is the internet on?
Bethesda, Maryland
2PM The Same Secret Shopper Works for Hallmark
Employee: Thank you for calling Jimmy's Pizza.
Customer: Hi, yes, do you serve pizza there?
Employee: ... Uhhh, yeah... Yes, we do.
4th Street
Albany, Minnesota
Overheard by: Keira
1PM ... Instead of Just the FBI and Major League Baseball
Professor: Someone hacked into the university's website, and now the Russian mafia has all of your information.
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Colleen
12PM Homer Simpson: You Say That Like It's a Bad Thing
Video editor: I don't think we can use any of this stuff with these yellow people at all... Stupid yellow people. [Shocked coworker stares.] No, no, no! The color of the footage is all out-- Everyone looks yellow!
108th Street and Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
11AM We're Going in after It
Lunching woman to another: So, Ellen*, what're you gonna do about your cow's undescended testicle?
Hamilton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Glynda
10AM We'll Gladly Accept Deliveries at the Back Door
Principal over loudspeaker: We're looking for someone to give us wood.
4 Robert Holcomb Way
Plainville, Connecticut
Overheard by: for a good cause
9AM Yes, My Stack's about to Overflow
Engineer: So, we think we got the problem with the RAM failures locked down.
Boss: You've really been engorged this week, haven't you?
Engineer: What?
6540 Lusk Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Im engorged this week...
5PM It's So Expensive, and You Gotta Save Money to Buy Baby Stuff
Female coworker: I hate kids.
Male coworker: That'll change when you get pregnant.
Female coworker: But I never want kids!
Male coworker: Better stop drinking.
405 Hilgard Avenue
Los Angeles, California
4PM Fa Shoah?
20-something scrapbooker: Should I be putting pictures of Auschwitz in here?
Supervisor: I don't think so!
20-something scrapbooker: I should probably put one... I mean, we went there... I'm gonna make light of it.
570 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ethan
3PM Ann Coulter Comes to Her Senses
Blonde seeing Hitler in documentary: Ewww! He's such a dickhead.
University of California Irvine
Irvine, California
Overheard by: orangepenguino
2PM Well, the Quarterback Gave Me Crabs Once...
Girl: Becky*, have you ever had jock itch?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: kmslat
1PM Like That Time We Off-Roaded in the NYC Subway
Dude: The show was great, but the crowd made a noise like 10 thousand rats being run over by a car.
Route 9
Westborough, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Shreklichkeit
12PM Oh My God, You Are Walking It!
Suit on cell: Can I call you back in a minute? I'm about to, uh, walk the lizard. Okay, bye.
Guy in stall: It's 'drain the lizard,' you idiot.
534 Broad Hollow Road
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
11AM Typhoid Larry Has Brought Down the Network Before
Coworker: I'm trying to open an email attachment and the virus software isn't letting me because it says it has a virus. Can you come turn off the virus software so I can open it?
IT chick, shocked: No!
Fredericton, New Brunswick
Canadia
10AM Ahead of Raisins, but Not As Bad As Starbursts
Ditzy babe: Mr. Allen*? In the reading last night it said that semen had a high sugar content. Is that right?
Mr. Allen: That's right.
Ditzy babe: So, does that mean it's bad for your teeth?
AP Biology class
Rochester, New York
9AM I'm Too Old to Change, Baby
Old lady: Where is your nigger food?
Stocker: Uh, excuse me?
Old lady: You know, the nigger food. The black bird food.
Stocker: You mean the Niger seed?
Old lady: That's what I said, the nigger seed.
3803 Venture Drive
Duluth, Georgia
Overheard by: I recommend the chink pellets
5PM Not Something You Want to Interrupt
Guy to coworker sitting on exercise ball at computer: Well, I'll just let you get on with your ball massage.
39 Norwich-Westerly Road
Mashantucket, Connecticut
Overheard by: Calamity Canyon
4PM The Needle and the Damage Done
Assistant #1: The doctor said I can't have any more pain medication.
Assistant #2: She's just trying to keep you from getting hooked.
Assistant #1: Yeah, I guess she's right. I come from a long line of drunkards, addicts, and musicians.
6710 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
3PM We Were Perfectly Dysfunctional before You Butted In. Who Even Asked You?
Recruiter #1: The fax wouldn't go through. I don't understand it.
Recruiter #2: You left a staple in it.
Recruiter #1: So?
Admin: I think you're setting yourself up to fail.
330 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Temp Receptionist Hasn't Been Told It's a New York City Law Firm
Attorney: Okay, I'm leaving to catch my train now -- it's Rosh Hashanah.
Receptionist: Wow! You're a Jew, too? There are so many of you people in this office!
Big law firm
New York, New York
1PM Fun for Us, Hostile Work Environment for Her
Laughing boss: Look, you guys, you can't be talking about anal sex -- we've had some complaints.
Server #1, laughing: I knew it! I knew she would tell on us. I told you Deb* was out to get us!
Server #2: Sooo, just when she's not around, or at all?
Laughing boss: I can't believe I have to say this...
Dining room, upscale retirement center
Bloomington, Illinois
12PM Before I Go in and Ask This Focus Group of Five-Year-Olds
Customer service associate to graphic artist: Yeah, I just wanted to get your uninformed opinion on that file.
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM But That's Public Service, Isn't It?
Legislative aide: I just wouldn't want to be in the middle of a threesome. You have to keep going in and out, in and out...
House of Representatives Seat Selection, Michigan State Capitol
Lansing, Michigan
10AM Why We Can't Wait
Recruit: This friend of mine is having a party Sunday. I can't decide whether or not to go.
Coworker: Why wouldn't you?
Recruit: It's in honor of Martin Luther King, Junior.
Coworker: What's wrong with that?
Recruit: Well, it's a lingerie party.
Coworker: Oh...
13th Street and Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: I have a dream
9AM (Sob!) All Right, I Admit It, He's Columbian!
Hispanic lady: My husband just called to let me know that he's cooking dinner for me tonight -- it'll be ready when I get home.
Black guy: That's bullshit. He's just full of Budweiser, wantin' you to come home and all.
Hispanic lady: My husband don't drink no more!
Black guy: Bullshit!
Hispanic lady: No, really! He stopped drinking and smoking 10 years ago!
Black guy: Well, if he don't drink then he ain't no Mexican. That's all they do!
Houston, Texas
5PM Or Time Management. Whatever.
Office manager: I'm going to Google time travel!
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: The Office Bitch
4PM Jim's Not That Kind of Guy
Coworker #1: Did Jim* tell you that you had to sniff these to make sure the sensors weren't burnt?
Coworker #2: Sniff what?
Coworker #1: These units.
Coworker #2: No, Jim did not ask if I would sniff units.
133 Aviation Boulevard
Santa Rosa, California
3PM Is It Better to Know or Not?
Coworker #1: Ugh, it feels like Monday!
Coworker #2: It is Monday.
Coworker #1: Oh. Still...
7231 Parkway Drive
Hanover, Maryland
2PM Dr. Seuss Successfully Split the Difference
Yuppie girl: I found a turtle over the weekend. I put it in my backyard.
Flakey girl: What did you call it?
Yuppie girl: Myrtle.
Flakey girl: Is it fertile?
Yuppie girl: Is it what?
Flakey girl: Is it fer-tile? I was rhyming...
Yuppie girl: No, it's a turtle.
Flakey girl: Myrtle, the fertile turtle.
Yuppie girl: You're like Phoebe of Friends.
Flakey girl: You're like Ross.
St. Kilda Road
Melbourne
Australia
1PM Why the New York-Ohio Worker Exchange Program Fell Apart
Elderly customer: I'd also like a two-liter of Coke.
20-something cashier, smiling: Certainly.
Elderly customer: You know, I really like your demeanor and attitude.
20-something cashier: Up yours, old man.
Elderly customer: [Stunned silence.]
20-something cashier: Have a nice day!
6780 Goshen Road
Goshen, Ohio
Overheard by: Delivery Expert
12PM Why There Are So Many Therapists
Child in stall: Mommy, where does that hole go?
Mother: It's not a hole, it's a pipe, and it goes to where the child-catcher lives. Now hurry up!
601 West Peace Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
11AM Montana Has All the Extremist Anti-Federalists
Travel agent #1: I can't find the District of Columbia brochures.
Travel agent #2: District of Columbia? Is that in Canada?
Billings, Montana
Overheard by: wow
10AM We May Have Lost Our Laser-like Focus on the Customer, Though
IT guy #1: So, Stan* is trying to bring some cohesiveness to our group...
IT guys #2 and #3: [Laughing.]
IT guy #1: No, I think it's working. Because now we're all like, 'Fuck you, Stan.'
1135 64th Avenue
SE Calgary
Alberta, Canadia
9AM But Now, of Course, There's a Manual
CEO on sales pitch: When businesses first started creating web pages on the internet, it was kind of like having sex with your daughter -- everyone was talking about it, but nobody really knew what they were doing.
Prospective client: Well... My daughter is eight, so I don't think she's having sex with anybody.
8737 Colesville Road
Silver Spring, Maryland
5PM For Bernard, the Processes of Digestion and Elimination Had Become Suboptimal
Greasy suit as his chili is served: ... And that's exactly why I go in to get colonics.
Skyline Chili
Cincinnati, Ohio
4PM 2000 Years Old and Still a Virgin
Holy roller #1: He has a Jesus hat on. He looks really WT today.
Holy roller #2: Praise him.
Holy roller #1: Is that his wife? I think it is.
Holy roller #2: 'Thin-lipped, snake handling Jesus freaks,' I can hear her shrieking already. I wonder if they speak in tongues... Durka durka blah blah burble burble...
Holy roller #1: That's what it sounded like. Here they come...
Holy roller #2: I can feel the holy spirit oozing out of her. I'll bet she smells like Jesus.
Holy roller #1: Totally.
757 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
3PM Really? Baghdad?
Woman: Oh, I love that place!
Man: Wait, which place?
Woman: I don't know, whatever place you were just talking about.
Laurel Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
2PM What with His Mother Spinning in the Coffin
Cashier: Is that the one you were engaged to?
Manager: Yes.
Cashier: Who broke it off?
Manager: He did. But I'm glad he did -- he was a nutcase.
Cashier: Oh. Really crazy or just strange?
Manager: Crazy. Didn't I tell you? He proposed to me again at his mother's funeral after he had broken off the first engagement.
Customer and cashier: What?!
Manager: Yeah. He got down on one knee in front of all his family as they were lowering the freakin' casket with his dead mother into the ground and asked me to marry him again. I said no, of course.
Cashier: Well, that's awkward.
Grocery store
New Jersey
Overheard by: Laura
1PM Dream On!
Suit #1 with backpack: I'll just be a minute -- I gotta go to the men's room to take a squirt.
Suit #2: Want me to hold your bag while you go?
Suit #1: I hope nobody heard that.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
12PM Nothing but the Finest Flowers and Candy for My Girls
Chicken farmer introducing new business partner to bank teller: This is Jose*. I teach him to love my chickens.
808 South Main Street
Elkton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
11AM The Customer Is Always Right
Old guy: Small fish and chips.
Italian vendor: The fish aren't ready -- 10 minutes.
Old guy: What? I'm very deaf.
Italian vendor: The fish aren't ready -- 10 minutes!
Old guy: What? I can't hear you.
Italian vendor: No fish! Have a look here [points to other menu items].
Old guy: I can't see so well. Just get me a fish and chips.
Italian vendor: No fish!
Old guy: Why are you talking to me?! I can't hear well! Just get me a fish.
Italian vendor: No fish!
Old guy: Are you stupid? I'm deaf and nearly blind, just get me a fish and chips! God, you'd think you didn't have any fish!
Edinburgh, Scotland
United Kingdom
10AM In Other Ews, a Riverside Woman Has Given Birth to Twin Cobs
Customer service girl eating from Christmas popcorn tin: Ew! These are sterile!
6141 Riverside Drive
Riverside, California
Overheard by: sylvie
9AM Thumb. Thanks for Asking
Author: I don't know. Some of the edits don't really work for me. What do you think?
Editor: Well, speaking as a completely biased party, I think it's great.
Author: ... You're sure?
Editor: Absolutely, you bonehead. Can we put it to print now, or are you going to keep your thumb up your ass a while longer?
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
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